Transcript:Insane in the Mainframe

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Transcript for
Insane in the Mainframe
Written byBill Odenkirk
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela are in an oval.]

Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval retreats the right side of the screen and is replaced by a man with enormous teeth.] ... Thompson's Teeth: The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

[The man eats a spoonful of teeth from a bowl.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Bender's Humor by Microsoft Joke.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table and Zoidberg wears a suit.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today marks our dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in order.

Fry: [unenthusiastic] Huzzah!

Leela: [unenthusiastic] Huzzah!

Amy: [unenthusiastic] Huzzah!

Zoidberg: Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!

Hermes: I will now read the mandatory speech. [He opens a book called "Minimum Obligations Manual".] [reading] Dear employee. Has it really been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.

[He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and takes out two coupons.]

Zoidberg: Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one ... and the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies--

Hermes: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. [He hands Zoidberg a piece of paper. Zoidberg reads it. He has accumulated a grand total of $0.00.] It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!

[Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]

Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years!

[He hugs Hermes. Fry smacks his head.]

Fry: Oh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into the pension either. What'll I do when I retire?

Bender: I thought you were retired.

Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.

Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to "off".

Fry: Well I'm gonna take action. It's time to check on my retirement fund. [He takes a $100 bill out of his sock.] Damn! Still only $100.

Franklin: [on bill] A penny saved is a penny earned. Also, could you get some athlete's foot cream for my face?

Fry: He's right! I've gotta start investing wisely.

[Scene: Outside 7^11. Fry and Bender sit on the kerb. Bender drinks beer.]

Fry: Well, I'm down to my last lottery ticket. [He scratches a panel on the "Whiff-n-Win" ticket.] Cherry. [Another panel.] Cherry! [The last one.] Mule. Crud!

Bender: So, you got six bucks left to retire on. I recommend Tender Vittles.

[Scene: Big Apple Bank.]

Teller: You're opening a retirement account for $6? I'm sure a wealthy ... [She sniffs.] ... mule farmer like yourself is aware that we charge a $10 monthly fee.

Fry: [shrugging] You gotta spend money to make money.

[The teller presses some buttons.]

Teller: Here you are, sir. Your account is now overdrawn by $4.

[An orange robot in the queue behind Bender becomes impatient and nudges Bender.]

Robot: Gee, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.

Bender: That's for sure-- [He turns around.] Roberto! Is that you?

Roberto: Bender! Hey, man!

[He punches Bender's body a few times and then in the head which makes it spin. Bender stops it from spinning and laughs.]

Bender: You old lunatic! How you been?

Roberto: Not bad, not bad. [He pulls out a knife.] Everybody on the floor! This is a stick-up!

[The customers scream and do as he says. Fry screams and hides behind a plant. Bender seems oblivious.]

Bender: Yeah, I'm doing OK too. [The teller hands Roberto several bags of money.] I'm taking a Chinese cooking class at the Learning Annex.

Roberto: Cool. Ca-Can you give me a hand here?

Bender: Sure thing, pal.

[He picks up the bag. Fry moves behind the plant.]

Roberto: Hey, you! Red! [He cuts the top off the plant.] Quit watering that plant and get the door!

[Fry runs for the door and kicks a woman on the way.]

Bender: Well, nice talking to you.

Roberto: Same here. [He takes the money from Bender and puts his arms around their shoulders.] You guys are alright! Here's something for your trouble.

[He gives then a bag each and leaves.]
[Cut to: Outside Big Apple Bank. Roberto runs off down the street.]

Bender: Hey, thanks, buddy!

[Police cars pull up around the door and Smitty and URL jump on Fry and Bender.]
[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]

Smitty: Freeze, punks! You're under arrest!

Nixon: [on $1000 bill] Shoot them in the back! Quick! While they're not looking!

[Scene: Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. Fry and Bender are represented by the Hyper-Chicken lawyer. Bender wears a tie and jacket.]

Bailiff: Court is in session. The Honourable Judge Whitey presiding.

Whitey: The charge is bank robbery. Now, my caddie chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested. Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes, theft of money.

[He bangs his gavel.]
[Time Lapse. A surveillance camera is in the witness box.]

Hyper-Chicken: As the surveillance camera for the bank what all the judge was a-jawing about, could y'all tell us what you done seen the day of the crime?

Camera: Well, let's see. My memory's a little fuzzy, but it went exactly like this:

[It projects a black and white picture of Fry and Bender taking the money from Roberto. The court gasps.]

Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred for introducing this evidence against my own clients.

[Time Lapse. Fry is in the witness box.]

Hyper-Chicken: Mr. Fry, do you recognise the robot a-huggin' on you in this here hologram?

Fry: I sure do! That's the real robber and I'll never forget his name as long as I live. And that name is--

[The projection goes off and Fry gasps. He sees a badly-disguised Roberto at the back of the court. He waves his knife at Fry. Fry chokes.]

Leela: [shouting] Fry! Just give a name. You don't wanna look stupid on Court TV!

Fry: You're right. You're right. It was--

[A mobile phone playing Mozart's Eine Kleine Nacht Musik as a ringtone goes off. It is Judge Whitey's.]

Whitey: Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh. It's for you.

[He holds it out to Fry. Fry takes it.]

Roberto: [on phone] ...and the other hamburger will...

[Roberto sits among other people who don't seem to notice he is talking on a phone.]

Roberto: ...also be made of your lungs. So long, pal.

[He hangs up. Fry gulps and leans into the mic.]

Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patté.

Whitey: Ah, the 67th Amendment.

[The Hyper-Chicken leans in to Bender.]

Hyper-Chicken: I may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken but I know when we're finger-licked. Whattya say we plead insanity?

Bender: A few months in an insane asylum? I could do that standing on my head.

Hyper-Chicken: If you start now, it might help our case.

[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken pecks and scratches at the floor.]

Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?

Hyper-Chicken: Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them.

[Whitey bangs his gavel.]

Whitey: Insanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender, I hereby commit you to the asylum for criminally insane robots until such time as you are deemed cured.

Bender: Yahoo! The system fails again!

Whitey: And, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the home for criminally insane humans.

Bailiff: Your Honour, that facility has been full ever since you ruled that being poor is a mental illness.

Whitey: [banging gavel] Order! Order! The only poor people I want to hear about are the people who tend to my pores at the spa. Just send them both to the robot loony bin and let's go.

[Two men wrap Fry and Bender in bubblewrap and one stamps "Defective Electronics" on Fry's forehead. They are put into a cardboard box and it is taped up. The men then "roll" the box out of the room by tipping it onto each side.]

Fry: [from box] Ow! My head! Ow! My feet! Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!

Farnsworth: Keep your chin up!

Fry: [from box] Ow! My chin!

[Scene: Hal Institute For Criminally Insane Robots. Fry, Bender and other robots move through a room along a conveyor belt. Fry taps Bender on the shoulder.]

Fry: I don't belong here, Bender. This is an asylum for insane robots!

Bender: Well, you meet half the qualifications.

[He laughs. The robots move through a door with a sign saying "Physical Exam" over the doorway.]

Fry: Oh, good, a physical! Once they examine my fragile, naked, pink body, they'll see I'm not a--

[A chute sucks his clothes clean off his body leaving him with nothing but his naked, pink skin. He moves along the belt, through the door and screams.]
[Montage: In another room, Bender is picked up by a magnet and taken through the ceiling somewhere. The magnet tries to pick up Fry but just prods him. Fry screams. Later, a drill bit drills through Bender's head as he hums. Fry is next and screams when he sees the drill. The drill goes into his mouth and rotates inside. Next is a gamma ray scan. Bender passes through and we see a bat flying around in his chest cabinet. Fry gets one next. His stomach acid boils.]

Fry: What the--

[He burps.]

Bender: [shouting] I find that offensive!

[Scene: Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. Dr. Perceptron, a doctor of Freudian Circuit Analysis has what looks like a cheap plasma ball for a head and a casing that looks like a white coat. He speaks in a robotic voice. Fry falls through a hatch in the ceiling and lands in the floor. He hauls himself up.]

Dr. Perceptron: Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let me give you something to help you relax.

[He presses a button and Fry gets an electric shock.]

Fry: Look! There's been a terrible mistake. I'm a human being. See? [He lifts up his gown and grabs his belly.] I'm all squishy and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.

Dr. Perceptron: Yes, you do. You need to relax more. [He gives Fry another shock.] Terrific. Now, consider the following: You were admitted to this robot asylum. Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis complete.

[The plasma in his head goes off. Fry grabs his arms.]

Fry: I do other human stuff! I age! See?

[He indicates his face. The door opens and a robot nurse comes in.]

Nurse Ratchet: I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you?

[A panel in her chest opens and a straight jacket on an arm comes out and wraps itself around Fry. She retracts it by using her arm as a winch.]
[Scene: Hal Institute Corridor. Nurse Ratchet holds Fry against her in his straight jacket. They move past other cells.]

Nurse Ratchet: We'll meet your roommate next, shall we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.

Fry: The car dealer? Wow! I guess his prices really were insane.

Nurse Ratchet: He's very excitable. [She takes the straight jacket off him and presses the open button on the door.] So don't say anything to surprise him.

[Fry steps in.]
[Cut to: Hal Institute: Cell. The door closes. The cell is a tiny space, the right size for a robot. Malfunctioning Eddie stand holding a cigarette, shaking a little. He holds out his hand.]

Malfunctioning Eddie: Pleased to meet you.

Fry: [shaking his hand] Actually, we've met once before.

Malfunctioning Eddie: What?

[He explodes.]
[Scene: Hal Institute Day Room. Bender passes a group of robots playing cards, a sign that says "You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Mutter to Yourself Here But it Helps", a robot caressing a column and various others.]

Hairbot: I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.

[Bender sits with Fry.]

Bender: Whoa! Someone had a busy day.

Fry: My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?

Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.

Fry: I don't wanna!

Unit 2013: Hey, man. I believe you're a human.

Fry: You do?

Unit 2013: Sure. They don't believe I'm a human either. Name's Unit 2013. C'mon. Lemme introduce you around. [He takes Fry to a robot.] Fry, meet Norm. How's it going, pal? Still picking up transmissions from the CIA on your teeth?

Norm: They just won't stop!

[He opens his mouth and his teeth have little revolving satellite dishes on them.]

Woman: [on radio] The CIA cafeteria menu for the week of May 15th is as follows: Monday, shepherd's pie. Tu--

Unit 2013: [making "cuckoo" gesture] Cuckoo!

[They look at an Abraham Lincoln robot in the corner.]

Fry: Let me guess, he thinks he's Lincoln?

Unit 2013: Well, he's supposed to. Problem is he's got multiple personalities -- all of them Lincoln.

[The robot stands up.]

Lincolnbot: I was born in 200 log cabins.

[Scene: Hal Institute Cafeteria. Fry and Unit 2013 queue for dinner.]

Unit 2013: And this here is Frankie. He's convinced he's a lunchroom worker, so they put him to work in the lunchroom. [patronising] How is work in the lunchroom, Frankie?

Frankie: [shrugging] It's alright.

Unit 2013: Poor Frankie!

[Frankie ladles some oil onto Fry's tray. Fry then sits at a table with a Pay 'n' Chew vending machine, the Lincolnbot, Bender, Unit 2013 and some other robots.]

Mad Hatterbot: Change places!

[The robots move around the table. They knock into Fry and he spills his oil on his gown.]

Fry: Bender, I can't take much more of this! I want outta here!

Bender: Are you crazy? This place is great! Electroshock whenever you want it, two Lincolns for every Napoleon. [He sips some oil.] Ah! Sweet light crude!

[He takes some money sticking out from the vending machine pay slot and wipes his mouth with it.]

Fry: But I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having discs crammed into me. Unless they're Oreos -- and then only in the mouth! Don't you understand? I'm gonna die here!

Bender: Ah, quit your bellyaching and take it like a robot.

[Fry growls.]

Mad Hatterbot: Change places!

[The robots move again and Fry spills more oil.]
[Scene: Hal Institute Visitors' Room. A banner advertises "Gibberish Translators Available". Victor sits with Malfunctioning Eddie.]

Victor: The doctor says you are making great strides with your exploding problem.

Malfunctioning Eddie: Well, the way I see it--

[He explodes and Victor falls back on his chair. At another table, Leela, Farnsworth, Amy and Hermes sit with Fry and Bender. Fry has his arms wrapped around his legs and has very pale skin. Bender wears a Napoleon hat and has one of his arms inside his door. One of Malfunctioning Eddie's arms lands in the middle of the table.]

Fry: You gotta get me out of here. I would have starved to death if not for that sick vending machine robot. [The Pay 'n' Chew robot coughs and a Bachelor Bar falls onto the floor.] Gimme! Gimme!

[He dives for it and eats it, wrapper and all.]

Hermes: Poor Fry! He's got the munchies for freedom!

Leela: We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned.

Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.

Bender: Je suis Napoleon! [He laughs.] No, seriously, I'm not.

Amy: Bender! You should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.

Bender: Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying to get through a difficult time using humour.

[Nurse Ratchet wheels past.]

Nurse Ratchet: Visiting hours are over. Time for our medication disks.

[The Planet Express staff get up to leave. Fry grabs Farnsworth.]

Fry: [shouting] Help me! For God's sake, help me!

Farnsworth: Oh, don't worry, Fry. I too once spent a nightmare-ish time in a robot asylum. But now it's nearly over. So long.

[He leaves.]
[Scene: Hal Institute: Cell. It is night and Fry and Malfunctioning Eddie are sleeping. Fry mutters in his sleep.]

Fry: [sleep-talking] Thirty days hath September, April, June and ... wonder ... is that peanut butter ... what am I gonna do? [He hears a whirring outside and wakes up.] [talking] Oh, God! What? What? What is it now?

[The door opens. Nurse Ratchet and Dr. Perceptron are outside.]

Dr. Perceptron: You are being released.

Fry: Finally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy justice!

Dr. Perceptron: Not you. Him.

[He points at Malfunctioning Eddie.]

Malfunctioning Eddie: Me? What a surprise. [Fry flinches. There is a tiny explosion on Eddie's shoulder.] Look!

[Cut to: Hal Institute Corridor. Eddie rolls out of the cell.]

Malfunctioning Eddie: I barely exploded at all.

[He and Perceptron roll away.]

Dr. Perceptron: We can control that with medication.

Nurse Ratchet: Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?

[A porter pushes a metal box to the cell doorway.]
[Cut to: Hal Institute: Cell. The door of the box opens revealing Roberto. Fry gasps.]

Roberto: Hi, Red!

Fry: Roberto! W-W-W-What are you doing here?

[Roberto steps out and holds up his knife.]

Roberto: I got busted robbing that bank again.

Fry: [shaking] Why would you hold up the same bank twice?

Roberto: Ah, that first time was just to case the joint and rob it a little. [He sees Fry shaking.] What's the matter? You scared?

Fry: N-- N-- N--

Roberto: Noticeably? I'll say! Now stand back, I gotta practise my stabbing.

[He stabs at the air and makes nutcase noises. Fry ducks and dodges the knife.]

Fry: No! Please! Help! Stop it! Please!

[Bender bangs from the next cell.]

Bender: [shouting; from cell] Hey! Keep it down in there! I'm tuning my banjo!

[He tunes it and Fry keeps dodging the knife.]

Roberto: Jeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself a robot?

[He stabs some more.]

Fry: I'm not a robot! [shouting] I'm not a robot!

[He screams.]
[Scene: Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. The other Planet Express staff are there.]

Dr. Perceptron: In answer to your question, Hermes, yes, your friend is cured.

Hermes: Oh!

Farnsworth: What a relief!

Leela: Thank God!

[The door opens and Fry walks in with an emotionless look on his face.]

Dr. Perceptron: You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity.

Fry: [mechanical voice] Affirmative. I feel nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep ...

[The staff gasp.]

Leela: You've made a terrible mistake. He's a human being, not a machine. Oh, Fry!

[She holds Fry to her chest and he "beeps" faster. Nurse Ratchet pushes Bender in a wheelchair past the door. He sings and plays the banjo.]

Bender: [singing] Gonna sing a little tale about a battle called Waterloo. [talking] Bonjour, y'all!

[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry sits on the examination table and the other staff stand around.]

Zoidberg: Listen to me, Fry. Just because you think you're a robot, doesn't make you a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor but that doesn't make me a doctor. These fancy clothes do!

Fry: [mechanical voice] Negative. I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me?

[Leela strokes his hair.]

Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.

Fry: [mechanical voice] Bio-units, terminate noise exchange. It is time for you to ingest sandwiches from my compartment.

[He unzips his trousers, takes out two sandwiches and offers them to the others. They back away.]
[Scene: Hal Institute Day Room. Bender tunes Norm's teeth with a screwdriver.]

Bender: Here we go. Just a minute. Aha!

Commentator: [on radio] And down the stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial Loser, and bringing up the rear, it's Lasty!

Bender: Come on, Lasty!

Roberto: Hey, Bender.

[He is pushing a hover-bed. Bender turns around and fakes surprise.]

Bender: Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't squeal on you, remember? Remember all that squealing I didn't do? Remember? Do you?

Roberto: Yeah, yeah. Now lie down and play dead. And don't ham it up!

Bender: Uh, sure. [He jumps on. Roberto covers his body with a sheet.] Anything for you, buddy.

[Enter Dr. Perceptron.]

Roberto: Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.

[From offscreen come the sounds of Roberto beating up Perceptron and making the nutcase noise. He comes back to the hover-bed wearing Perceptron's body casing and head ball. He starts pushing the bed through walls. Bender opens one side of his visor.]

Bender: Uh, what's with the get-up?

Roberto: I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking of escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill you so you don't squeal?

Bender: I'm in! I'm in! [He laughs nervously.] So when were you planning the breakout?

Roberto: I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago.

[Bender looks up and sees they are a few hundred yards from the Institute in amongst several trees. A siren goes off and Bender jumps off the bed.]

Bender: Quick! Let's keep escaping!

[They run off into the woods.]
[Cut to: Outside Hal Institute. Tracker dogs sniff some nuts and bolts and run off after Bender and Roberto with two men following.]
[Cut to: Woods. Bender and Roberto come to a ravine. There is a small boat tied to the side. They jump and go straight through it and into the river.]
[Time Lapse. Clear of the woods, they run into a barn. Seconds later they crash through the back and take off in a biplane. The biplane does an inside loop and crashes through the barn doors. Roberto and Bender carry on on foot.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]

Hermes: Times two, carry the one...

[He presses a "carry the one" button on his calculator and looks up to see Fry standing beside him.]

Fry: Oh, you sad, worthless human.

[He picks up the calculator and throws it into a conveniently-located incinerator.]

Hermes: What are ya-- Sacred hog of Prague! That was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara!

Fry: Fear not! For I shall assist ye!

Hermes: Robots don't say "ye"!

Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. [He looks at the paperwork.] What is the meaning of this symbol?

Hermes: That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!

[Fry narrows his eyes.]

Fry: I'll show ye!

[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth, Amy and Leela work on the ship. Leela tries to unscrew a nut on the side of the steps. She grunts and squirts some pi-in-1 oil onto it. Fry takes the spanner from her and throws it into another incinerator.]

Fry: Stand back. I'm a tool-bot.

[He tries to unscrew the nut with his hands. He takes the oil from Leela, squirts some onto his arms and puts it in his inside pocket. He tries the nut again.]

Leela: You're not a tool-bot. You're not a food-motron. You're not a robot of any kind.

Fry: Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered my primary function yet.

Leela: OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.

Farnsworth: You're going to do his laundry?

[Amy slaps him.]

Leela: [sexfully] Fry, this is for you.

[She kisses him. Fry smiles and Leela smiles back, thinking she's cured him.]

Fry: Beep.

Leela: Oh, for God's sake!

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and finishes another bottle of beer. He throws it down on the floor at Zoidberg's feet.]

Zoidberg: By a scallop's forelocks! What's with all the beer, Fry?

Fry: [drunk] Alcohol fuels my power cells. [He stands up.] And as a mighty robot, I-- [He burps and falls back onto the couch, tipping it over backwards.] Beep.

[He snores.]
[Scene: New New York City Street.]

Roberto: Thanks for helping me escape, Bender.

Bender: Oh, it was nothing.

Roberto: [shouting] It was not nothing! [talking] I wanna repay you. Let me get you something in here.

[He drags Bender into the Big Apple Bank.]
[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]

Roberto: [shouting] Hands up! This is a stick-up again!

Bender: Wow! Hitting the same place three times? I admire your style, Roberto.

[Roberto walks to the teller.]

Roberto: Gimme the remaining dough. And the calendars ... and that pen. Try to tear it so most of the beads are on my end!

[The teller ducks and URL and Smitty stand up behind her with their lasers armed.]

URL: Police! You're busted!

Smitty: And don't try anything. This glass here is laser-proof. [Roberto puts his arm through the glass and waves his knife around.] Fire lasers! [They do and the laser bolts bounce off the glass.] Duck! Lasers!

[Roberto pulls the glass away and with his arm still poking through he grabs the money.]

Bender: Come on! I got a place where I like to hide after crimes.

[They run out. URL and Smitty fire at them again and Roberto uses the glass as a shield until they are out of the door.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch Fry sleep on the overturned couch.]

Amy: Aw! He looks like a little insane drunken angel.

[Enter Bender and Roberto.]

Bender: [panting] Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto.

Hermes: Hey, mon.

Roberto: Nice to meet you.

Smitty: [on megaphone; from outside] Come out with your hands up.

Roberto: [shouting] Hostages!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto stands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]

Roberto: Back off! I got hostages!

Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!

Smitty: [on megaphone] Do you have any better hostages?

[The megaphone is built into URL.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Roberto turns around.]

Roberto: To show them who's crazy, I'm gonna execute some of you. How 'bout you?

[He nicks Farnsworth's neck.]

Farnsworth: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.

Leela: Wait! Take me first!

Bender: Yes! Take her first.

Roberto: Shut up! Stop telling me how to do this!

[Time Lapse. More police cars arrive outside. Roberto has everyone except Fry tied up in the middle of the room. They mutter.]

Zoidberg: Oh, the fear!

[Roberto kneels next to Bender.]

Roberto: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Guess it and you die first. Go!

Bender: Um ... OK. Fifty ... six ... ish?

Roberto: 56? 56? Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about! I'm gonna kill you, you ... no good ... 56-ing--

[Bender squeals. Roberto jabs at him with the knife and Bender extends his head on a cable, dodging the knife.]

Bender: Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome ... handsome!

Fry: Halt, fellow robot!

[He stands up from behind the couch.]

Roberto: Hey, Red. You're just in time to join the hostage situation. Which side you wanna be on?

Fry: The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass!

Leela: Fry! Stay back. He's too powerful.

Fry: Negative, bossy meat creature. I know now what my primary function is: I am a battle-droid. Sworn to protect the weak from crazy robots.

Roberto: I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy! I'm just not user-friendly!

Hermes: Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan!

Roberto: Let's see how much of a robot you really are!

[He runs at Fry and stabs him in the chest. Everyone gasps. Fry doesn't react. Roberto pulls the knife out and doesn't see the tin of oil that is still in Fry's pocket. The oil starts to leak through his jacket.]

Fry: No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armour.

[He walks towards Roberto, spinning his arms and making a mechanical noise. Roberto backs away.]

Roberto: Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody help me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled the transmission fluid, Mommy! No! No! Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy!

[He throws the knife at Fry and it slices his arm. Fry doesn't notice and keeps walking towards him. He screams and jumps through the window.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Roberto falls and lands in the road. His left eye and right arm are broken. He whimpers and collapses.]

Smitty: [on megaphone] We're willing to listen to your demands.

[He starts to put the receiver back into URL's body.]

URL: Hey, baby. Wash that off before you put it back.

[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]

Hermes: Who's brave now?

Amy: Hooray!

Zoidberg: Bravo!

[Fry starts to untie them.]

Leela: You did it, Fry.

Bender: Congratulations, buddy. You're a credit to my race.

Fry: [mechanical voice] It was nothing. I-- [He sees his bleeding arm and screams. His wipes some onto his finger and looks at it.] [normal] Blood? Robots don't have blood. I must be a, a--

Zoidberg: A squid?

Fry: A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!

Zoidberg: Also good.

[Time Lapse. The police cars clear away. Zoidberg cuts a bandage that he has wrapped around Fry's wound.]

Leela: Thanks for saving us, Fry.

[She kisses him on the cheek.]

Fry: I'm gonna continue never washing this cheek again.

Bender: Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin, but inside, you've got the heart of a robot.

Fry: Aw. Thanks, Bender.

Bender: Just like inside me, I've got the heart of a human. [He takes one out and everyone gasps and cringes.] What?

[Closing Credits.]

Bender: [over credits] What?