Transcript:The Silence of the Clamps


 * [Note: This transcript is based on an Easter egg from Volume 5 (Section #1) and on the video from the Countdown to Futurama post Magnificent Squeezers of 17 June, 2011 (Section #2).]

Section #1

 * [Scene: Wedding party. Bender walks by guests' tables wearing a jogging suit and gold chains with his antenna slicked back. He points at random guests.]

Bender: Ay! Oh! [Bender takes a beer bottle from a waiter.] Piscopo! [Bender points to Mayor Poopenmeyer, who is with the Queen of Yonkers.] This guy! ''[Bender stops walking and drinks from the bottle. He then sees a seductive-looking fembot wearing a wedding veil and gown and gasps.]'' Babba-boing! ''[Bender's antenna slicks straight. Bender walks over to the fembot, who is already dancing with a manbot.]'' Hey, sexy. I'm Bender. What brings you to this tacky soirée? Fembot: I'm the bride! Bender: Oops. [Bender slinks away and sees Fanny.] How 'bout you, baby? Wanna do it?
 * [Fanny turns around as the camera zooms out to reveal that she is dancing with the Donbot.]

Fanny: Bender, it's me, Fanny! Bender: You who? Fanny: The Donbot's wife? We had an affair? Bender: An affair, huh? [Bender shrugs.] Sounds like me. [to himself] Geez, I'd better be a little more careful. I don't wanna hit on anybody I already had sex with.
 * [A ringing sound gets Bender's attention. It is caused by the collision between a fembot's bell-shaped dress and her legs. The camera zooms out as the fembot passes by Fanny and the Donbot.]

Fanny: Hiya, Bella.
 * [Bella waves.]

Bella: Hi, Mom. Bender: What about you? You're my third choice.
 * [Bella giggles and, as she nudges towards Bender, makes a deeper ringing sound.]
 * [Scene: Outside the wedding party. The camera pans over to a barn labelled STABLES. A lot of ringing is heard coming from the barn.]
 * [Cut to: Inside a closet in the Stables barn. Bender is now stripped of his jogging suit and chains. He and Bella are making love.]

Bella: Oh, Bender! This is all happening too slowly. Let's get married! Bender: Quiet! I'm makin' out with a floozy! [Bender resumes making love, but hears a noise and stops suddenly.] Hold your clapper. Someone's comin'!
 * [Cut to: Outside the closet. There is a sign that says SEA OATS. Bender peers from the door and sees Calculon being carried off by Clamps and Joey Mousepad. The Donbot follows them holding a package. They stop under a sign that says DO NOT PUT SEAHORSES AWAY DRY.]

Calculon: Donbot, please. I'll pay you back as soon as you lend me some more money. Donbot: Sorry, Calculon. It gives me no joy to do this... Because Clamps will be doin' it. [The Donbot opens the package and pulls out a pair of clamps.] Clamps, here are your new clamps.
 * [Clamps lifts up his clamps to reveal that they are old and rusty.]

Clamps: Clamps!
 * [Clamps accepts his new clamps, replaces his old ones with them off camera, and takes them for a spin.]

Calculon: No. [Calculon cowers away.] No! [Calculon looks to his right.] Line?
 * [Bender is still peering from the door in shock as Clamps does his clamping silhouetted.]

Calculon: [continued, extendedly, screaming] No!
 * [Bella leans in.]

Bella: Yeah, Daddy hates welchers. The only thing he hates worse is witnesses... [Bender looks horrified.] [musical sting] And guys who mess around with his daughter...
 * [Cut to: Inside the closet. Bender looks even more horrified and trembles.] [musical sting]

Bella: [continued] And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe.
 * [Bender opens his chest cabinet and takes out a pan of steaming hot meatballs. He looks yet even more horrified.] [musical sting]

Section #2

 * [Scene: The Planet Express locker room. Clamps mutters while using his locker.]

Clamps: Four stinkin' years of clampin' school for this?
 * [Clamps shuts his locker's door and continues muttering. Zoidberg approaches him.]

Zoidberg: Greetings, Francis. Sorry if I was a little hostile before, but snipping is the only reason I'm even tolerated around here. Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers! Clamps: Squeezers? Squeezers?! They're clamps, you [beep sound]. [Clamps grabs Zoidberg by the neck and pushes him up against the lockers.] And if I wanna [beep sound] snip with these clamps, I will snip with these [beep sound] clamps. [Zoidberg begins suffocating.] Why do you think they call me&mdash; [Professor Farnsworth enters.] Francis?
 * [Clamps lets go of Zoidberg.]