Transcript:The Six Million Dollar Mon


 * [Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Worth 250 Futurama Points.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express Building, conference room. Everyone but Hermes is seated at the conference table, looking up as Hermes descends from somewhere above, riding some sort of jet-powered hover disc.]

With a twist.
 * [Hermes pulls a string in his collar, causing a necktie to unfurl. Everyone gasps.]

Hermes: Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. [lowers his voice] Zoidberg. : [laughs] Classic Hermes. Hermes: Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.
 * [Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's lab. Hermes, holding a pen and clipboard, is standing in front of the lab's bench; Amy is standing behind it.]

Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.
 * [She turns to indicate the Professor, who is asleep in a recliner, snoring.]

Amy: Uh, yes, sir, [she shuffles some papers nervously] I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away.
 * [She picks up a small lamp and makes a snoring sound into it. Hermes writes a note on his clipboard.]
 * [Cut to: Somewhere in space. Fry and Bender are outside the Planet Express ship, holding a crate marked ASHES FOR SPACE BURIAL. Hermes and Leela are standing on the ship's hull.]

Hermes: Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship? : Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.
 * [Hermes notices that he is standing on the hose, causing a large air bubble to form.]

Hermes: Noted.
 * [He lifts his foot; the air bubble rushes down the hose, causing Fry's and Bender's space suits to over-inflate and explode.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express boiler room. Hermes is interviewing Scruffy, who is lying down on his cot.]

Scruffy: My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.
 * [He picks up, and starts reading, a magazine titled ASTOUNDING TALES OF DOING IT. Hermes, shaking his head, makes a note on his clipboard.]
 * [Time Lapse. The team is gathered around the conference table again. Hermes stands facing them.]

Hermes: Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is -
 * [Dramatic pause. Everyone scoots away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]

Hermes: - Hermes Conrad. Amy: What?! Leela: No way! Zoidberg: Hermes, no! Hermes: Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews. Fry: But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other. Hermes: I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [The doorbell rings.] They'll be here two seconds ago.
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express lobby. The crew is gathered behind Hermes as he answers the door. Center Square Guy enters.]

Hermes: I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in? Center Square Guy: Only if you buy me dinner first.
 * [All but Hermes laugh.]

Hermes: I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that. Center Square Guy: You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you. Mark 7-G: [entering the lobby] I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you. Hermes: [sighs] Will you be conducting an exit interview? Center Square Guy: Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.
 * [Again, all but Hermes laugh.]

Mark 7-G: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty. Center Square Guy: Sounds like a party.
 * [Once more, all but Hermes laugh.]

Center Square Guy: Good-bye. [He leaves the building; the crew breaks into applause.]
 * [Hermes takes his personnel file out of his jacket, stamps it FIRED, and feeds it into a slot in Mark 7-G.]

Hermes: Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime. : [makes a shooing motion with his hands] Off you go.
 * [Hermes leaves the building, looks back once. The doors close behind him.]

Zoidberg: Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement? Amy: Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone. Zoidberg: What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing. Bender: Oy. Zoidberg: You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me. Leela: I insult you, you fat sack. Zoidberg: Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [He kicks Mark 7-G, starts sobbing.] I'll never see Hermes again.
 * [Cut to: The Conrad home. Hermes and Dwight are at the dining room table; LaBarbara brings a pot of food from the kitchen.]

Hermes: On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again. : Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat. Hermes: It better be spicy. Judge Whitey: Well played. Sal: Ows. (Robots screaming) Robot Devil: Ah, fire. Aah! It burns! It burns! Hermes: Hmm, not bad. Needs a little hot sauce. Hermes: I just don't know how we'll get by. LaBarbara: Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant. Hermes: What?! LaBarbara: And you're not the father. Hermes: No! LaBarbara: I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they? Hermes: You're right. Thank you, LaBarbara. LaBarbara: Oh, also, I wrecked the car.
 * [Roberto jumps out from behind a tree. He is carrying three knives.]

Roberto: This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin. LaBarbara: My ebony splendor? Me don't think so. Roberto: I said hand it over. I'm hungry! Ha-haw! Ha-haw! Hermes: For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy?! Roberto: You calling me cra---zy?! Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain. Right, brain? Right! No, not you, right brain. Right, left brain? Right! Okay, then. Ha-haw! LaBarbara: Do something, Hermes. Hermes: I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins! URL: Freeze, bagwad! Smitty: You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide. Roberto: I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me. URL: That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair. Roberto: And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw! (Siren wails) (Magnets hum) Roberto: S-s-stop! It's driving me sane! (Screaming) Fry: Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood. Bender: Nah, I like my victims to know who did it. Hermes: Psst! Bender: Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you. Hermes: We need to talk alone. Fry: Okay, Hermes. Sure. Leela: [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil? Fry: In a second. I'm eavesdropping.
 * [Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]

Amy: Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough. Fry: I said not now! Bender: Sure, I know a guy. Bender: Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown. Hermes: So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation. Yuri: I am expert in shadowy field of many things. Hermes: I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me? Yuri: No problem. I prepare operating room. (Cat yowls) Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home! Dwight: Pops?! LaBarbara: Is that a harpoon in your chest? Hermes: Yes. And I'm happy to see you. Mmm. And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be. Amy: I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous. But do you really need chest artillery? Hermes: It's not just a weapon. It's the bureaucrat's best friend. Observe. Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf? Zoidberg: [grunting] [Laughs.] Pitiful and sickening. Hermes: Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done. Mark 7-G: My best wasn't good enough. Hermes: I'll need my personnel file, please. Zoidberg: Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly. Hermes: You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend. Zoidberg: [laughs] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry. Farnsworth: Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them? Scruffy: 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass. Hermes: [Sighs.] I'll fetch my hand tools. Bender: Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine? Hermes: Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you. Bender: That's sweet, Hermes. Mark 7-G: Maybe I should get an extendo-arm. Hermes: How long will it take to install an extendo-arm? Yuri: I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour. Farnsworth: [Grunts.] [garbled] Thank you, Hermes. Fry: I don't know. It seems like a lot of trouble to cut off your arm just to snake a drain. Hermes: Ah-ah-ah, it's not just a drain snake. It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories. Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig. Bender: A machine that can bend? No way. Zoidberg: But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants? Hermes: Oh, don't be such a spoilsport. Zoidberg: Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes. Speaking of What happened to your cutoff body parts anyhow? Hermes: Right here. I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot. Zoidberg: Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah. Zoidberg: So, friend, welcome to my home. I'm very proud of it. But I want to hear what you think. Zoidberg: [imitating Hermes] "Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican." Zoidberg: [laughs] Good one at my expense, Hermes. LaBarbara: Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad. And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine. Hermes: Yes, our lives will never be the same. Darn it! I'll be right back. LaBarbara: (Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for? Hermes: Now, calm down, dear. You know, you look even hotter in infrared.
 * [Moaning, smooching]
 * [Whirring]

LaBarbara: Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned. Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades. Hermes: I promise.
 * ''[Bender, Fry, Farnsworth, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg ooh and aah]

Amy: Wow. Fry: Nice shiny metal ass, Hermes.
 * [Bender' grunts and stammers]

Amy: So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot? Hermes: I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain. Zoidberg: Yes, a big, smart brain. Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right? Hermes: Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense. Zoidberg: Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me? Hermes: Yes, yes, doctor. Right here. Hermes: Wait. You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you? Zoidberg: How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy. Hermes: Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt. But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat. Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces. Zoidberg: Something wonderful. Florp: Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.
 * [Cheering and applause.]

Zoidberg: Hello! Hello! So, Little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running? Little Hermes: "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant. Ho ho, mon."
 * [Audience laughing]

Little Hermes: "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?" Zoidberg: Yes. Little Hermes: "Looks like you found it again."
 * [Little Hermes and audience laugh.]

Zoidberg: Oh, boy. That was quite a zinger, old friend. Little Hermes: "I'm not your friend. I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels."
 * ''[Audience laughing']]

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week. Little Hermes: "You've been warned, people.
 * ''[Audience laughing']]

Amy: (laughing) He's good. I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving. Little Hermes: So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show? Hermes: Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret. Zoidberg: You could always undo your implants. Hermes: Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade. Fry: But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain. Hermes: Exactly.
 * ''[Bender, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg and Amy gasp.]

Zoidberg: Oops.
 * [Little Hermes gasps.]

Yuri: Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that. Farnsworth: (laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave. Bender: Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom. Hermes: Step aside. Farnsworth: Bing-reka! The brain circuit. Come, fellows. Let's go home and install it. Bender: Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot.
 * [Bender chuckles. Wind howls. Electrical buzzing.]

Zoidberg: So, Little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery? Little Hermes: "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap."
 * [Amy, Bender, Leela and Fry laugh]

Farnsworth: Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! ''[Clanking. Birds chirping.]'' Ah, now I can see what I'm doing. Commence the operation! Labarbara: Terminate the operation! Hermes: Labarbara? Dwight? LaBarbara: I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is. Hermes: It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father. LaBarbara: You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son. Hermes: Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.
 * [All gasp.]

LaBarbara: Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly. Farnsworth: Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors. LaBarbara: Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about. Hermes: There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.
 * [Whirring]

Farnsworth: You can't force me to operate. Hermes: Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill. Zoidberg: Wait. I'll perform the surgery. Hermes: You? With those clumsy claws? Zoidberg: It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work. Little Hermes: "But mine aren't. You, mon, give me that robot brain." Zoidberg: And you, metal guy, lie down. Leela: Zoidberg, this makes no sense. Why are you helping him?
 * [Drumbeat playing]

Bender: And what's that catchy beat? Zoidberg: I'll tell you. Two, three I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago when a happy thought dispelled my woe and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull Little Hermes: if I sliced up his cyborg skull Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) he wants a brain Zoidberg: he wants a robot brain Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) another brain Zoidberg: let's see if he feels pain Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) a brand-new brain Zoidberg: it might drive him insane Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) he wants a brain Zoidberg: he wants a robot brain Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh Amy: Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself? Fry: Oh, loosen up, Amy. Farnsworth: My condolences, Labarbara. I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue. LaBarbara: (sobbing) Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done? Zoidberg: I'll tell you what I've done. I've brought your husband back.
 * [All gasping]

Dwight: Pops. Hermes: Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in. LaBarbara: Hermes, you're alive. Dwight: And practically rhyming. Hermes: Wife, son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control. But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help. Roberto: (in Mecha-Hermes' body) Not so fast.
 * [All gasp.]

Roberto: But faster than that! Hermes: It's that insane robot, Roberto.
 * [All scream.]

Farnsworth: Quick, Hermes, the keys. Hermes: I left them in my other body. Roberto: Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick 'em in your pancreas till I find one that opens it.
 * [Roberto yells à la Tarzan.]
 * [All yell.]

Roberto: I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings.
 * [Hermes gasps.]

Hermes: Ow! Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves. Roberto: Mmm, that's tasty. Too tasty. [Whimpers.] It burns. It it burns! (screaming) Fry: What's happening? Zoidberg: The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot. Hermes: In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning. LaBarbara: Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself? Hermes: But I hate him. LaBarbara: Honey, we all do. But fair is fair.
 * [Hermes clears his throat.]

Hermes: Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did. Thank you. Zoidberg: Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger. Well, here's one for you, Mr. Not-My-Friend Conrad. [Grunts.] You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me.
 * [Bender laughs.]

Bender: It's funny because it's mean. Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever.
 * [Zoidberg sings in harmony with himself.]

Amy: Ugh. He's doing it again.