Transcript:Lethal Inspection


 * [Opening Credits: Made you look!]


 * [Scene: Sith-il War Memorial. The crew are walking through the trees. They are dressed as Union soldiers.]


 * Farnsworth: [Groans] I fear I may not survive this war reenactment. We’re only twelve feet from the parking lot.


 * Fry: [standing in mud, surrounded by flies] This is every bit as fun as the real Civil War.


 * Leela: Not the Civil War private. We’re reinacting the Sith-il War. [She points to a plaque that says “Sith Invasion of 2865 Historic Site]


 * Fry: Sith? What the Hoth?


 * Bender: Enemy invaders! Up in yonder sky!


 * [A ship that looks like a TIE Bomber is landing infront of the crew. It is really a regular spaceship with cardboard attached to the front. The ship lands and nerds walk in front of the crew. They are all holding toy lightsabers]


 * Darth Stroyer: I am Darth Stroyer.


 * Fry: Darth Stroyer? That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.


 * Leela: Let’s hear the rest.


 * Darth Trocious: Darth Trocious.


 * Darth Sploder: Darth Sploder.


 * Darth Urderer: Darth Urderer.


 * Darth Ithead: Darth Ithead. [His lightsaber malfunctions and he has to turn it back on]


 * Leela: Company! Attack!


 * [The crew and the nerds let out battle cries and attack each other. Hermes comes up with a desk on wheels]


 * Hermes: Don’t fire until you see the greens of their eyes! It saves on bullets.


 * [Everyone is attacking members of the other side. Fry and Darth Trocious are fighting each other but have to stop for Hattie and her dog. Scruffy is fighting Darth Stroyer. He loses his lightsaber.]


 * Darth Stroyer: I shall rip out your heart and show it to you! [touches Scruffy with a lightsaber] It is done.


 * Scruffy: The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. [He lays on the ground and acts dead.] Mhrm.


 * ''[The Professor is walking until he is stopped by Darth Sploder holding him at saber point. The Professor screams.]


 * Darth Sploder: You're dead!


 * Farnsworth: No, I'm just very old. [He makes choking noises and falls down]


 * Darth Sploder: [He taps the Professor with his foot and gets no response.] Woah! That good acting!


 * Fry: It's payback time Sploder! [Fry's gun fires a beam that tags Sploder then falls flat. Fry presses a button on his gun'' and the beam retracts.]]


 * Darth Sploder: Tell my mother... to pick me up outside Quiznos.


 * Hermes: [Wheeling his desk up] That's three dead. Uh-oh. Let's pick up the pace people. At this point in the actual war, the death toll was ninety-eight million. [He gestures towards a large set of graves nearby]


 * Bender: [Chuckles] You humans and your fragile organs. One little stab to the goo and [He blows a raspberry]


 * Darth Trocious: [He lands on Bender and tags with the his lightsaber.] You're dead, Earth man!


 * Bender: [Dramatically] Oh cruel fate, I'm dead. They're putting me in my Sunday suit and shoving me in a wooden box. [He falls to the ground] Now their loading me into cold cold ground. Hello! Here come the worms! [He starts laughing]


 * Fry: If you were really dead, you wouldn't be laughing so hard.


 * Bender: Yeah, yeah. Death's a big deal to you flesh bags. But in case you didn't notice, I'm a robot.


 * Fry: So? What if something heavy fell on you, like a church? You could still die.


 * Bender: Nuh-uh! My wireless back-up unit saves a copy of me every day. So, if my body gets killed, big whoop, I just download into another body. I'm immortal baby!


 * Amy: What? Then how come you always scream so much when you're in danger?


 * Bender: I never said I wasn't a drama queen.


 * [The crew and the nerds are in a clearing, facing each other.]


 * Hermes: And the winner of the war is ... let me just cross check my tabulation here. Factor in the corsages for the widows.


 * Bender: Hurry up you number-crunching crumb-nuncher! Everybody but me is dying of old age!


 * Hermes: Okay. The winners, at a net cost of only $12 per life cut tragically short, our Sith Overlords.


 * Darth Sploder: Hot diggity! I mean... [Breathes like Darth Vader in his best basso profundo voice.] Supreme diggity.


 * [The crew and the nerds line up, high-fiving each other saying "Good War"]


 * [Scene: Planet Express Meeting Room. Everyone is groaning loudly.]


 * Fry: It may have been a fake war, but my scuffed knee is all too real.


 * Farnsworth: I have pain in joints I had removed a century ago. Bender, bring me my soft chair with the wheels on it.


 * Bender: Your wheelchair?


 * Farnsworth: I don't need a wheelchair! The one with the wheels!


 * Bender: Poor flimsy humans. Don't you wish you were flawless like me? A towering inferno of physical perfection?


 * Leela: I hate to pop your blimp-like ego, but you're not perfect.


 * Bender: Am so!


 * Leela: Are not!


 * Bender: Is too!


 * Leela: Says who?


 * Bender: Says the only human whose opinion I even remotely respect. [He takes a scrap of paper out of his chest cabinet and kisses it] Inspector 5, the best inspector a kid could want. The day I was built, he looked me over, probably with tears of pride in his eyes, and proclaimed to the world, by means of this scrap of paper, that I was perfect and infallible in every way!


 * Farnsworth: Hey Mr. Perfect? You wet the chair. [He points to the oil stain on the wheelchair]


 * Bender: Huh? Wasn't me. Must be some of that urine your all so proud of.


 * Fry: [He tastes some of the puddle with his finger] That's not urine, it's oil.


 * Bender: Impossible! I'm triple sealed to prevent any chance of ... [He looks behind him and shrieks. He is leaking oil]


 * Zoidberg: You call that an ink defense? [His coat tears off and he sprays ink everywhere and scuttles off] Goodbye, friends!


 * [Scene: Planet Express Workshop. Bender is on a worktable while the Professor is working on him. The rest of the crew is watching]


 * Bender: What could have caused the leak? Excessive heat, on the count that I'm so hot?


 * Farnsworth: Alas, no. Oh, Bender, I'm afraid it's a symptom of a fatal defect.


 * Bender: Yeah, fatal schmatal. If I die I can just download my backup copy into my new, equally fabulous, body.


 * Farnsworth: That's just it! You can't. You were built without a backup unit.


 * Bender: [He sits up, shocked] There's no backup copy of me?


 * Farnsworth: That's what I just said, you mortal coil.


 * Bender: So, if I die...


 * Farnsworth: You die. Or as you put it [He blows a raspberry]


 * Bender: [Nervous] Um, excuse me for a moment. [He unscrews his head and puts it into his chest cabinet] [muffled] No!


 * [Scene: Planet Express Waterfront. Two people fly past on jetpacks.]'


 * [Scene: Planet Express Meeting Room. Bender is pacing around. The rest of the crew is watching him.]'


 * Bender: I can't believe it! I'm gonna die.


 * Fry: How much time does he have left, Professor?


 * Farnsworth: Between a minute and a billion years.


 * Fry: [He puts his hand on Bender's shoulder] Well, at least you can plan accordingly.


 * Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?


 * Leela: Violent outbursts.


 * Amy: General sluttiness.


 * Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.


 * Bender: Damn it, I'm supposed to be perfect. Inspector 5 gave me his blessing! [He pulls out his scrap of paper and looks at it] How could he bring me into this world knowing I was going to die?


 * Zoidberg: So you wish you were never born, maybe?


 * Bender: Yes, anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!


 * Zoidberg: Then suicide it is. Step into my office. I'll give you a nice Kervorking. Not until I hunt down Inspector 5 and beat an explanation out of him!


 * Leela: I'm all for a good beating, but you'll never find him. Product inspectors are bureaucrats, faceless bean counters who blend into the woodwork.


 * Hernes: [While his shirt blends into the wall] I beg to differ!


 * Bender: Stinking bureaucrats! I hate 'em.


 * [Hermes looks upset]


 * Leela: Then again, you might be able to find Inspector 5 with the help of another seasoned bureaucrat.


 * Bender: Hermes, old pal!


 * Hermes: Old pal? 8.5 seconds ago, you said you hated me.


 * Bender: Time heals all wounds.


 * Hermes: You know what? I will help you, but only to prove to you that I'm not a paper-pushing file-jockey.


 * Amy: Will you be taking your portable filing cabinet?


 * Hermes: None of your beeswax!


 * [Scene: Hermes' office. He is giving Leela a li'l bureaucrat badge.]


 * Hermes: I'll only be gone for an hour, but I'm counting on you to do the all-critical filing in my absence. Shall we review alphabetical order. [He starts singing] A, B, C, D...


 * Leela: [Shoving Hermes outside] Get out of my office!


 * [Scene: Outside the Central Bureaucracy. The Old Man walks up to the booth]


 * Old man: Yes. I'd like to request a death certificate. [He dies.]


 * Woman: Sorry. That's Building C.


 * [Bender and Hermes walk past the line]


 * Hermes: The Central Bureaucracy maintains records on all bureaucrats. We should be able to look up Inspector 5.


 * [They walk up to an entrance that is marked "Bureaucrats only" There is a man in a booth next to the entrance]


 * Man: [He scans Hermes' grade 36 badge then stamps three forms three times each.] Application for ingress approved. [He hands over a form] And the other potential entrant?


 * Hermes: Uh, he's my pencil sharpener.


 * Bender: You betcha! [He takes the man's pencil and sharpens it in his ass then hands it back]]


 * Man: [While staring at the pencil] Proceed. [He picks up the pencil with tongs and drops it in a fire.]


 * [Scene: Central Bureaucracy interior. Hermes and Bender see the Beholder-bureaucrat.]


 * [Time lapse:] Hermes is directing a gondola down a waterway. Bender is relaxing]


 * [They arrive outside cubicle room 729]


 * Hermes: I maintain a cubicle here for weekend getaways.


 * [They enter and see a large cube, made up of 729 cubicles. Bureaucrats are working in some of them]


 * Bender: Wow! Until now, I thought giant cubes were exciting.


 * [A machine scans Hermes' badge and lists his cubicle coordinates: -1, +3, -4. The giant cube expands into cubes of 27. The individual groups resort themselves like a . Bureaucrats are screaming and one man flies off. Then one cube does the same until it has put Hermes' cubicle middle row. It finished sorting and snaps back into one giant cube and resettles.]


 * Bender: I did like the part where they screamed.


 * Hermes: ''[Wheeling an escalator to his cubicle.]' This is mine. Right next to the center square.


 * Caricature of Paul Lynde: Sorry, Hermes. I drank all your white-out. [He laughs]


 * Hermes: Once I log on, I can access Inspector 5's profile


 * Bender: [He sits in front of the computer and has his eye scanned. A buzzer sounds.] Damn it! It won't go on.


 * Hermes: That's because your not me. {He sits in front of the computer and begins working]


 * Bender: Hooray! It won't go on!


 * Hermes: The bureaucra-scan won't let anyone but the assigned bureaucrat log on. [He is scanned and his profile appears onscreen.]


 * Computer: Identity confirmed. Also, you have a rectangular mass in your colon.


 * Hermes: That's a calculator. I ate it to gain its power.


 * Bender: You locate Inspector 5 while I slip into my ass-kicking feet. [He pulls a pair of foot-cups with spikes on them out of his chest cabinet and screws them on.]


 * Hermes: [He gasps] Sweet File-not-found of Puget Sound! His record's been blanked!


 * Bender: Aw, man! How am I going to find some anonymous guy I don't know anything about?


 * Caricature of Paul Lynde: I recommend the men's room of the TWA terminal. [He laughs and a red "X" appears on his desk]


 * [Scene: Planet Express, Hermes' office. Leela is reading World's Bravest Hamsters''. A sealed container comes down the vacuum chute.


 * Leela: Okay. Just filing alphabetically. [She unscrews the container] A. B. C. D... [The message is in AL1. Well, this requires a little extra thought. [She looks around then hides the message behind a potted plant]'' I'm a natural.