Transcript:Decision 3012


 * [Opening credits. Caption: Made from 100% recycled pixels]
 * [After the standard opening cartoon is aired and the producer credits roll, the screen displays a caption reading "FREE BEER" with an arrow pointing down. The Futurama theme abruptly stops playing. The ship stops in front of the screen.]

Bender: Free beer?!
 * [Scene: Inside the Planet Express ship. Bender seizes control of the ship from Leela. The Futurama theme resumes. He crashes the ship into the screen.]

Bender: Free beer! Free beer! Free beer! Free beer! Free beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beeeer! ''[He jumps out the window. As he falls, he hits a flock of geese and Cowardman. He hits a tube transport system, causing it to break and people to fly out. He lands on the ground, creating an imprint of his body. He gets up and sees iZac pouring out beer for people.]'' Hello. I'm here for the...free beer? iZac: You got it! Right after these eight-hundred people get! [He points to a long line of people.] Bender: [angrily] Beer beer beer beer beer. [The introduction to "The Stars and Stripes Forever" plays.] Beer?
 * [Cut to: A stage. The headless clone of Agnew holds up Nixon's head and places it on a podium. Judge Whitey, Mrs. Astor, the Queen of Yonkers and Mayor Poopenmeyer are sitting on chairs. A sign reading "NIXON: KICK HIM AROUND FOR ANOTHER FOUR YEARS" is held up. The crowd applauds.]

Nixon: Thank you, headless clone of Agnew. My fellow Earthicans! I am proud to announce I'm for reelection as president of Earth. The greatest planet in the world! [The crowd applauds.] Is everyone enjoying their free beer? [The crowd members applaud and hold their cups of beer in the air.] Well, there's plenty more where that came from!
 * [The scene switches back to iZac, who is pouring beer. Beer stops spraying from the beer dispenser's handle.]

iZac: We're all out o' beer!
 * [The camera pans down to the ground, revealing that the tube leading into the beer tank has been cut. Behind the tank, Bender is pouring the beer into his body using the other severed half of the tube. His body starts to bulge.]

Nixon: Alright, listen up, nitwits. Who here is tired of illegal space aliens taking our good Earth jobs? [The crowd cheers.] Me too! So if I'm re-elected, I promise to big a really big Dyson fence across the Southern border of our solar system. [The crowd cheers.] And furthermore, by golly, I promise to cut taxes for the rich and use the poor as a cheap source of teeth for aquarium gravel! Fry: Yeah, that'll show those poor! Leela: Why are you cheering, Fry? You're not rich! Fry: True. But someday I might be rich, and people like me better watch their step! Leela: [groans] Let's just find Bender.
 * [Bender is still filling himself with beer, to the point that his body is now circular. He explodes, causing the crowd to get wet, and leaving his body mangled.]

Bender: Ah...that hit the spot! Fry: I found Bender!
 * [Scene: Exterior of the Planet Express headquarters.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Professor Farnsworth is looking out the window. Hermes, Zoidberg and Fry are sitting on the couch and watching television. Amy and Leela are sitting at a table. The sound of Hypnotoad is heard. Bender enters through the door.]

Bender: Good news, everyone! Farnsworth: Wha? Bender: I've repaired myself with these convenient "Re-Elect Nixon" ass stickers! [The camera zooms out, revealing Bender's posterior is covered in stickers reading "RE-ELECT NIXON".] Go Nixon! Leela: Bender, you can't even vote. You're a convicted felon! Bender: Convicted, sentenced and executed! But Nixon passes a law that says ex-cons can vote again...as long as they vote for Nixon. Leela: But Nixon's the worst president in history. And alternate history! The rest of you aren't voting for him, are you? Fry: Sure, we are! Zoidberg: Why not? Farnsworth: Of course! Amy: Spluh! Zoidberg: He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy? I'll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you. Leela: Well, I think we can do better. This year, I'm going to get involved in the political process and make my voice heard. Farnsworth: What?
 * [Scene: Exterior of a building in New New York. A banner reading "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN VOTERS PRESENTS DEBATE 3012" is hung up.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the building. Seven people are standing on a stage with their own respective podiums. Morbo is seated on a desk. Old Freebie, the Earthican flag, hangs on a wall.]

Morbo: Welcome to debate 3012, the 3,012th debate of the 3012 election year. [He holds up a pair of glasses.] We have a crowded field of candidates, so I will dispense with the informal terrorising and begin the questions.
 * [He puts on the glasses and holds up a card.]
 * [Cut to: An audience. Leela is sitting amongst them. She leans toward the man sitting next to her.]

Leela: Is this the political process? 'Cause I'm here to get involved in it. Morbo: Silence! [He sits down and starts reading from a card.] Question one. Will you pledge today to somehow reduce taxes while simultaneously lowering the deficit. Candidate 1: Hey, that's a good idea! Sure.
 * [The camera pans over to each of the candidates.]

Candidate 2: If it'll win me the election, then yes. Candidate 3: We have a saying up in Alaska. [She pauses.] That's all.
 * [The camera pans over to the fourth candidate, who is silent and thinking.]

Morbo: Senator Travers? Senator Travers: Look, let's be honest here. No one likes taxes. But they pay for our basic needs. Roads, schools, defence. If we hope to realise our aspirations as a great planet, we must each pay our fair share to achieve those noble goals.
 * [Cut to: The audience. They all lean forward and boo, except for Leela, who stands up and claps slowly. They quiet down, leaving Leela left standing and clapping alone. She makes an angry face and sits down, crossing her arms.]

Morbo: Thank you, Senator. A thoughtful and lucid answer. [angrily] You will be destroyed! [calmly] Question two: The environment. Yes or no? Candidate 1: No. It's junk science. Candidate 2: Two words: Condor attack. Don't want that. Got to say no. Senator Travers: Now, just a minute. These are important issues. We can't just reduce them to sound bites! According to reputable scientists– [The crowd boos.] Candidate 5: Enviro-mite! [The crowd appaluds.]
 * [Scene: Exterior of a building which has a giant hot dog on it, at night. A sign reading "TRAVERS FOR PRESIDENT HEADQUARTERS: FORMERLY "ONE HOUR HOT DOG"" is hung up. Two posters reading "VOTE TRAVERS FOR PRESIDENT" are posted on the building's windows. Leela walks in.]
 * [Cut to: Inside Travers' presidential headquarters. It is completely dark. A sign reading "TRAVERS FOR A LESS BAD TOMORROW" is posted up.]

Leela: Hello? I'd like to volunteer. Is anyone lurking?
 * [A man in the building starts striking posters of Senator Travers with a hammer.]

Leela: Hey, stop that. [She turns on the lights, revealing that the man with the hammer is actually Senator Travers.] Senator Travers? That's no way to win an election. Senator Travers: I give up. No one cares about my message. I never should have used the same P.R. guy as One Hour Hot Dog! Travers' P.R. guy: [Talking slowly, while slowly roasting a hot dog over a grill.] People will wait for something good. Leela: No, don't quit. You have great ideas. You just need to get them out there with social media. Look, I posted your debate video on Facebag. [She shows him a video of his debate on her Wristlojackimator.] Senator Travers: 10,000 views? That's more than most water-skiing squirrels get. You really think I have a chance? Leela: Absolutely. We just need to conceal your intelligence and honesty in a hipper, dumber package. Senator Travers: Well, what have I got to lose? I'm making you my new campaign manager. [pointing to his old P.R. guy] You, out! Travers' P.R. guy: You haven't heard the last of m–
 * [Scene: A title card reading "ELECTION 3012: The Choosening" flashes.]

Linda: Election 3012. The choosening!
 * [Cut to: A cornfield. Leela and Travers are standing. Leela is frustratedly pressing a button on her Wristlojackimator.]

Linda: As the Iowa caucus approaches, the state's hippest citizens turned out for an old-fashioned flash mob. [Several rural farm workers are teleported to the scene.]
 * [Cut to: Exterior of Gristly's Diner.]

Morbo: Chris Travers got a bump in the new Hampshire polls today, where he simuldined in 250 diners at once via hologram.
 * [Cut to: Inside Gristly's Diner. A waitress delivers a slice of pie to Travers, who is seen via hologram.]

Senator Travers: This pie at this diner is the best pie. [The customers cheer as Travers eats the pie.]
 * [Cut to: Hypnotoad in a room with a white background.]

Linda: Chris Travers wins the South California primary handily, thanks to a series of well-placed cameo appearances. [Travers' face flashes repeatedly in Hypnotoad's eyes.]
 * [Cut to: A close-up of the front page of New New York Post, with the headline "PRIMARY RACE TOO CLOSE TO CALL". Four faces are on the newspaper, one of them being Travers'.]

Morbo: Super Tuesday is in the books, with Eurasia, Australia and Kentucky turning out in big numbers. ''[The scene zooms out, revealing a robot teenager delivering tablet computers displaying newspapers. He throws one at a doorstep, causing it to crack and its screen to cut to static. The scene pauses at a still of the broken tablet and zooms out to reveal Morbo at his newsdesk.]'' With the race a dead heat, it's all come down to a final tally at the convention. ''[The still of the tablet is replaced with a still of Madison Cube Garden's exterior. The scene zooms into the still.]''
 * [Scene: Exterior of Madison Cube Garden. Several people line up at its doors. A banner reading "THUNDERCRATS GLOBAL CONVENTION" is displayed at its entrance.]
 * [Cut to: Inside Madison Cube Garden. Calculon is standing on the stage with four people, one of them Travers. Several signs displaying the names of nations are held by members of the crowd.]

Calculon: And the first runner-up, who will take over if the nominee is caught with a dead girl, a live boy or any kind of sexy ghost...Mr. Greenland! ''[Mr. Greenland takes a flower bouquet from Calculon and waves at the audience.]'' Which means our nominee is the senator from the nation-state of Hawaii, Chris Travers! [Travers becomes overjoyed and shakes the hands of Mr. Uruguay and Mr. Shreveport.] Leela: He won the nomination! We the people did it! Hermes: It wasn't "we the people". It was you the mutant. Your insightful nagging really won us over. Fry: Yeah. You explained his positions in a way even an idiot could understand. And that appealed to me, for whatever reason. Leela: Thanks, guys, but we have a lot of work ahead of us. If we're going to win the election, we've all got to get involved.
 * [The rest of the Planet Express crew, except Bender, react positively.]

Fry: You said it! Amy: That's right.
 * [Cut to: The background suddenly changes into a darker one. A painting is visible.]

Bender: If you want my opinion, Nixon's only chance to defeat Travers is with filthy lies, dirty tricks and good old Quaker thuggery. [The scene zooms out, revealing that Bender is with Nixon in the Oval Office.] And I'm just the guy for the job. [The two laugh evilly.]
 * [Scene: Exterior of the White House.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the Oval Office.]

Nixon: I'm not sure if it's safe to talk. Are you wearing a wire? Bender: I'm 40% wire. [He pulls out some wires out of his chest cavity.] Nixon: Excellent. Now, listen. We got to get some dirt on this Travers guy. Really McGovern him up. You know who McGovern was, right? Nixon: I don't even know who you are.
 * [Scene: Exterior of Travers' presidential headquarters. The camera pans to the right, revealing an imprint of Bender's body on one of its walls.]
 * [Cut to: Inside Travers' presidential headquarters. Bender is holding a flashlight with his mouth. He discovers a file cabinet. He pulls out the metal from his thumb, revealing a key. He uses the key to unlock the cabinet.]

Bender: Hello, dirt. [He starts to dig through folders.] I'll start at "N" for nude pictures. [He takes out a folder and opens it, revealing a Nobel Prize certificate and medal.] Aw, Nobel prize? That's no good. How about "A" for adultery? [He takes out another folder and opens it, revealing Travers' transcript from Harvard Law School, which displays multiple A scores.] What? Straight-A transcript? ''[He continues to dig through the folders. The sound of a door opening is heard.]'' Senator Travers: Hey, what's that rifling sound? Bender: Uh-oh. ''[He swallows the flashlight, closes the file cabinet and hides. Travers turns on the lights and enters a male restroom. Two urinals display signs reading "OUT OF ORDER". Bender disguises himself as another urinal. Travers walks up to him and unzips his pants.]''
 * [Scene: Exterior of a club named The Evening Nudes. The scene zooms out, revealing Bender at a nearby staircase. He unscrews one of his eyes and positions it facing the club. The camera view shifts to the perspective of Bender's unscrewed eyeball. "· REC" flashes on the upper right corner.]

Bender: All right. I'm going to catch Travers on video at this sleazy strip club.
 * [Scene: Exterior of the White House.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the Oval Office. Bender and Nixon are watching video footage on a television screen.]

Bender: In and out of the club 13 times in one night. That's a record. Nixon: Where's Travers? All I see is you going in and out. Bender: Yeah, me. I set the record. Nixon: This is as useless as those pictures you photoshopped. [Several pictures of Bender with hookerbots with Travers' head poorly overlayed on Bender's head are seen.] Bender: Look, just give me one more chance. I got a source. Nixon: Well, you did manage to get a tremendous urine sample. Bender: [embarassed and distressed] Let's not talk about that!
 * [Work in progress.]

Chris Travers: It's all thanks to you, Leela. You stood by me and exposed my private medical records, even after I begged you not to. Leela: Aw, thanks. Now, get up to that podium and change the world.
 * [Travers walks up to the podium.]

Amy: Too bad your pal Nixon lost, Bender. You must be pretty glorked off. Bender: Nope. I don't give a bag of butts who won the election. Nothing's going to change. Leela: What? How can you say that? Bender: Watch and learn. Chris Travers: My fellow Earthicans, I am honored and humbled to stand before you tonight as your next president. Together, we will– [He starts to blink and his speech starts to distort.] Hey, what's-what's going on? What's happening? Bender: You see, since Nixon wasn't elected, the robot uprising didn't happen and Travers never got sent back from the future. It's Politics 101!
 * ''[Travers screams as he fades away. His face and name disappear from his campaign posters as he disappears. The scene distorts and returns to normal. Morbo appears on the screen.

Morbo: And the votes are in. Richard Nixon, running unopposed, has been reelected by a narrow landslide. Hermes: Say what?
 * [On the screen, live television coverage of Nixon speaking is being broadcasted.]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I am honored and humbled to gloat before you tonight as your next president.
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. The shift in locations has happened subtly.]

Fry: Wow, it really doesn't matter who you vote for. Leela: At least we tried to make a difference by supporting Senator...Senator... What was his name again? Fry: I don't remember! Hermes: We never even left this building.
 * [The scene zooms out to show that the rest of the Planet Express crew are sitting on their chairs at the conference room.]

Farnsworth: What?!
 * [Nixon continues to talk as the Planet Express crew watch his speech.]

Nixon: Nixon always wins! A-woo!
 * [Closing credits.]