Transcript:Reincarnation


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Galactic Entity: A wise man once said that nothing really dies. It just comes back in a new form. Then he died. So, next time you see a lowly salamander, think twice before you step on it. It might be you. Stand by for "Reincarnation".
 * [Opening Credits. Caption: REINCARNATION]
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Planet Express headquarters: 'Owdy, folks! Come on in!
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Leela: [singing] Jumpin' Joe an' golly jeeper, I got one gigantic peeper. Sassafras an' banana oil, I'm a bee-youtiful purple-haired goyl.
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Bender: Watch it! Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space-age dame like her would ever marry a two-bit, low-life delivery boy like me an' also I 'ave bad posture and severe financial problems? Bender: Have you tried gettin' 'er pregnant? Fry: Gosh, yes. I've tried an' tried, but, so far, I only got Amy pregnant. Bender: You know what your problem is? Too much smoke in your face. Fry: I wanna ask Leela to marry me, but I can't afford a diamond ring big enough to express my love. Bender: That's for sure. Not on the measly salary I steal from you each month. Horn loudspeaker: All crew, report to the laboratorium. Get a wiggle on. Fry: Thanks for the heads-up, Sparky. Horn loudspeaker: Mhm. Fish on Friday. An' Human flesh the rest of the week.
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Professor Farnsworth: Movietone News, everyone. I've discovered a new comet! Leela: One side, boys. Let a lady take a gander. Professor Farnsworth: Hang on. Let me just adjust it to your eye level. Leela: [off camera] Holy matrimony! [on camera] That's one flashy rock! Professor Farnsworth: Indeed. It's pure diamondium! Fry: Um... Would it be possible to break off a piece an' put it in an engagement ring for reasons that are private? Professor Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Nothing in the universe can fracture diamondium. Not even God 1 an' God 2 put together. But behold! The tail is composed of abrasive comet powder. And that's just what I need to put a washday shine on my new Doomsday device. Now hop in the flivver and score me some o' that sweet, sweet powder.
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Hermes: Comet ahoy! [off camera] Why, it's lit up like a smooth, refreshing Chesterfield. Professor Farnsworth: Get plenty of that powder. I want this bomb to sparkle like the floor at Grand Central Station. Over and out.
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Amy: Watch it, ya stumblebums! You're boopin' my betty! Fry: Um... I'll be back in a jiff. I gotta go check this comet for anarchists.
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Fry: Would ya look at that gem! Slap that shiner on a ring an' me an' Leela will be doing the married, horizontal Charleston in no time.
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Fry: Alright, diamond. You won those rounds. But I've got an ace up my hole.
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Leela: I love this time of day. There's such a beautiful stillness. Fry: Leela, I don't know if words can describe how I feel about you&mdash; Leela: Good? Fry: Huh. I guess they can. Anyhow, when a guy feels good about 'is sweetheart, 'e wants to prove it by giving 'er somethin' really... Good! Leela: I'm still listenin', you big lug. Fry: What I'm tryin' to say is... In all the world, I couldn't find a diamond good enough for you. But then I found one out there... Among the stars. The beautiful, affordable stars. Leela: You mean... When you disappeared up on the comet... Fry: Exactly. Leela: I thought you snuck off to take a dump. Fry: A man can sneak off to do two things. Leela: Oh, Fry! Fry: In exactly ten seconds, the Doomsday device will blow the stone loose. An', if my calculations are correct, it will land here on your finger. Leela's finger: You've made me the happiest finger in the whole wide hand! Fry: Comet kaboomination in three, two&mdash; Bird: Uh... Hello?! Cuckoo! Fry: The diamonds still didn't break! [sad] Now, you'll never know 'ow much I love you. [off camera] It went kersplitters! Leela: Fry, I don't need a diamond. You've given me the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen! All the colours of the spectrum! Fry: [angry] Not beautiful enough! A swell gal like you deserves better! Leela: [off camera] What's that?! [on camera] Is my eye playing trick on me?! It's so beautiful! Fry, you've created a new colour! Totally different from any other colour or combination of colours. Fry: Shucks. It's still only half as beautiful as you. Whoa! Leela: Whoa! I wish this moment could last forever. Fry: Leela, my love, will you marry&mdash;
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Alien: [off camera] Bernilla, my love, [on camera] will you marry me? Bernilla: Blorg! Blorg! A thousand times blorg!
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Professor Farnsworth: Good news, multiplayers! After a lifetime of toil, I'm on the verge of solving all the mysteries of science!
 * [Professor Farnsworth turns to his right and then to his left and lifts up his left index finger. Amy, Bender, and Hermes are also sitting at the conference table and are looking to their right.]

Bender: So we can leave early?
 * [Professor Farnsworth has put down his left index finger.]

Professor Farnsworth: Certainly not! ''[Bender, who has turned red, complains. #+%$! flashes in front of Bender's mouth.]'' Not until I demonstrate this new microscope lens, [off camera] made from the debris of that diamondium comet.
 * [Professor Farnsworth lifts up a lens with his left hand. The lens shines four times.]

Bender: Eh, Professor. Professor Farnsworth: [fed up, on camera] Yes, Bender?
 * [Bender approaches Professor Farnsworth.]

Bender: Boo! ''[Professor Farnsworth screams and drops the lens on the floor. The floor turns black. The lens turns white and is shattered in seven pieces. A skull appears above it and disappears as it ascends. Bender laughs.]'' [quickly] Okay. Too bad. Goodbye.
 * [Bender stands up, turns to his left, and leaves.]

Professor Farnsworth: You're not through with this level! I have another lens.
 * [Professor Farnsworth lifts up his left hand and another lens appears on it. The lens shines one time. Bender appears on his chair.]

Bender: [back to normal] Bite my 8-bit metal ass. [Bender turns to Hermes.] That's "Bite" with a Y.
 * [Bender laughs.]

Hermes: Whatever you say, mon. Professor Farnsworth: Due to the lens' remarkable quark-lattice structure, [off camera] it should be capable of unthinkable magnification! ''[The lens rotates. Scruffy, Zoidberg, Fry, and Leela are also sitting at the conference table and are looking forward.]'' Come. [Professor Farnsworth stands up.] Follow me to the lab.
 * [Amy, Bender, Hermes, Scruffy, Zoidberg, Fry, and Leela stand up. The background changes, transferring Professor Farnsworth, Amy, Bender, Hermes, Scruffy, Zoidberg, Fry, and Leela to the Planet Express laboratory.]

Bender: Hey, I'm gonna try that! So long, meatbags! Son of a&mdash; Professor Farnsworth: Eh, let me just insert [off camera] lens in microscope. [on camera] There! Now, for the first time, we may be able to see the infinitesimal fabric of matter itself. [off camera] Laying bare the most fundamental laws of the universe! Leela: [sexfully] Hey, Fry. I know something you could lay bare. Fry: [angry] Leela! Shhh! I'm tryin' to listen to a physics lecture! Professor Farnsworth: [on camera] Now, to examine some matter. Any old matter will do. Hermes: [off camera] Mon, that's some cheap-ass matter! [on camera] What the hell is it? Professor Farnsworth: [off camera] Oh, [on camera] it's just a log I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea. Now, to penetrate its deepest mysteries. Leela: [sexfully] Hey, Fry. Fry: [angry] Leela! No means no! Professor Farnsworth: Oh, my! There's a frog on a bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea! Leela: An' that's the ultimate secret of the universe?! Professor Farnsworth: Apparently so. Wait! There's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea! Hermes: Dear Eliza! Professor Farnsworth: [off camera] The snail itself is composed of cells, molecules, atoms... Fry: Pfff! Those things don't rhyme! Professor Farnsworth: [on camera] Things only rhyme below ten to the minus five angstroms, you dope! [off camera] Now, ions an' pions, muons an' gluons, neutrinos, gravitinos... [on camera] We're closing in on the very smallest particles of matter! For the first time, we're about to observe the fundamental structure of the universe. [off camera] Such detail. [on camera] Such finely wrought intricate beauty! Leela: It's like staring into the face of God! Scruffy: It's a mirror into Scruffy's soul. Professor Farnsworth: This explains everything! Even the Big Bang that created the universe! All that's left is the mathematics! Put down h-bar, uh, carry the infinity, and&mdash; My-reka! There it is! The Grand Unified Theory! Reducing all the laws of nature to a single equation! Amy: Professor, you did it! You solved the problem that baffled Einstein an' drove Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice actor! Stephen Hawking's head: I like physics, but I love cartoons. Professor Farnsworth: This is the greatest moment in scientific history! At last, there are no more questions left to answer! Stephen Hawking's head: Yay! Amy: Yay! Hermes: Woohoo! Alright! Well done, Professor. Okay. Back to work, everyone.
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Professor Farnsworth: Wait. There are no more questions left to answer.
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Professor Farnsworth: Oh.
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Morbo: And those are today's high scores. Linda? Linda: Thanks, Morbo. Coming up next, Galaxians. What you need to know to protect your family.
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Professor Farnsworth: How do you people do it? How do you go on knowing there's nothing more to know?! Fry: I watch TV. It's the next best thing to bein' alive. Professor Farnsworth: What's the use? I'm just not capable of the happiness of the dumb. If only I'd made some mistake! Stephen Hawking's head: You didn't. I checked the invariance of your Lagrangian. Hubba-hubba. Professor Farnsworth: Then there's nothing left to do! Nothing! Bender: Would it cheer you up if I punched Fry in the groin? 'Cause I'll do it. Regardless. Body blow! Body blow! Professor Farnsworth: I devoted every waking minute to answering the fundamental questions of science.
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Professor Farnsworth: [off camera] I never married.
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Professor Farnsworth: [off camera] Rarely went outside!
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Professor Farnsworth: [on camera] And, now that I've found all the answers, I realise that what I was living for were the questions! Fry: That stinks, Professor. Too bad the universe made it turn out that way and not some other way. I wonder why it did that. Stephen Hawking's head: Probably magnets. Professor Farnsworth: Shut up, Hawking. Fry, you idiot! [happy] You're a genius! Why are the laws of physics what they are? Instead of some other laws? To find out, we'd have to recreate the conditions before the Big Bang. It would take decades of work by thousands of scientists in a particle accelerator powered by dump trucks of flaming grant money. [back to normal] Of course, there'd be no guarantee of success. [sad] And, in any case, I'd never live to see it. Leela: I'm surprised you lived through that sentence. Hermes: Sorry you wasted your life, Professor. I guess you never know everything after all. Professor Farnsworth: Indeed. The pursuit of knowledge is hopeless and eternal. [happy, screaming] Hooray! Amy: [happy, screaming] Yay! Hermes: [happy, screaming] Yeah-heah! Bender: [happy, screaming] Woohoo! Alright! Yay!
 * [Scene: Space. ACTION DELIVERY FORCE and 蟹先生のすごい ダンス appear on the screen. 蟹先生のすごい ダンス is superimposed by Today's Episode: Medical Dance Crab With Lesson.]
 * [Cut to: Cliff. The Planet Express headquarters is surrounded by owls.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Professor Farnsworth is sitting at the conference table and begins speaking into a microphone.]

Professor Farnsworth: [back to normal, voiced by David Herman] Action Delivery Force, assemble!
 * [Montage: The rest of the crew appears over coloured backgrounds, shouting. Leela has a purple background. Hermes has a green background. He slices off a set of paper sheets labelled EMPLOYEE BENEFITS. Fry has a yellow background. He is lying on the couch, his eyes closed. Zoidberg has a pink background. Amy has a blue background with bubbles. She is pulled away from the camera. Bender has a regular blue background.]

Bender: [back to normal] And me, Mighty Merchandise Robot!
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express tower room. Every crew member is present. All look ready to an eventual fight, except for Fry, who is still lying on the couch.]
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Transition Announcer: [off camera] Meanwhile, on Space Planet 4, the Aliens who communicate by dancing...
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Transition Announcer: [continued, off camera] Were worshipping a giant comet. Subtitle: All hail great comet! Beloved mascot of popular shrimp crunch snack! Also God. Foreigners killed our God! Many words of disapproval!
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 * [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, Hermes, Bender, Amy, and Fry are sitting at the conference table and Leela is standing up. In front of Professor Farnsworth is a machine consisting of a box, a sphere, and a parabolic antenna. The box has various buttons and a screen. The sphere contains a beating heart. Outside the sphere, three pipes connect the heart and the box. Inside the sphere, two pipes connect the heart and the box and one pipe connects the heart and the parabolic antenna.]

Leela: [back to normal] Team assembled! [Leela points at Professor Farnsworth.] What is that box, you old witch? Professor Farnsworth: Ha ha ha! I'll never tell you. [Professor Farnsworth has stood up.] It's a deep space-emotion detector. ''[Strips showing the faces of Leela, Fry, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, and Bender appear on the screen as they gasp. In the machine, the heart stops beating.]'' The detector can tell you're impressed. You should be! ''[In the machine, the parabolic antenna whirls around and points up, the heart begins beating very fast, and the screen shows a green graph. An alarm goes off as the graph turns red.]'' Wha? The marvellous device. It's detecting a massive burst of anger. From deep space!
 * [All look up.]
 * [Cut to: Space. Earth and the Moon can be seen. Nine spaceships, each shaped like an open banana, appear.]
 * [Cut to: Inside one of the spaceships. Six pink, four-armed Aliens and a metallic banana are there. Five of them, of whom two are on the banana and three are at ground level, are sitting down, typing. The other one is standing up at the top of the banana, wearing a purple cape and a red mitre. It points forward nervously.]

Subtitle: There is Earth! Attack it as previously discussed!
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. All are looking at the screen on the wall. The screen shows the spaceships.]

Fry: Flying bananas? Ha ha ha! I will slice them on my morning fish porridge.
 * [Fry hits the table with his left hand.]

Professor Farnsworth: This is no time for one of your jokes, Fry.
 * [Fry looks at Professor Farnsworth.]

Fry: I will tell you something that's no joke. [Fry stands up and puts on a helmet.] I will lead the defence fight. Professor Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh. If we fight, we'll surely be destroyed. Hermes: Then what is our only hope?! Amy: We must summon Zagtar, defender of space! Hermes: You forget!
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Hermes: [off camera] Zagtar was destroyed by the crystal space devil!
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Leela: [off camera] The crystal space devil was once my brother, Prince Hiroshi.
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Leela: [on camera] I mourn his loss. But what matters now is protecting Earth from that fruit armada. Professor Farnsworth: I see your mother, the water Mutant, didn't raise any fools, Turanga Leela. Our only hope is to communicate with the Aliens. And show them our peaceful intentions. Bender: Perhaps they speak perfect English... As do we. Professor Farnsworth: We can't take that chance! We'll need my universal auto-translator!
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Professor Farnsworth: [off camera] This [on camera] is my universal auto-translator! Fry: That will show them our peaceful intentions. Professor Farnsworth: The only question is, "Who should [off camera] be our spokesman?!" Zoidberg: Me! Me! Choose Zoidberg. Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything. Zoidberg: Hear my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard! Cubert: [happy] Custard time?! [screaming] Hooray! Zoidberg: Please! I am certain I will succeed with my delicate manner. Oops. Leela: Instead, I will send the peace transmission. Most honoured visitors, we greet you in peace.
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Subtitle: Why does it flap its face hole? I am puzzled, for we don't know what mouths are. It's a threat! Destruct them!
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Hattie: Kajigeru desu!
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Professor Farnsworth: All attempts to communicate with the Aliens have failed. I fear our only option is thrilling space battle. Bender and Fry: Power friends, go!
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Male voice: Launch all missiles! Launch all missiles!
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Professor Farnsworth: We were defeated in battle. Bender: [off camera] Oh, no! They're forming Gigatron!
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Professor Farnsworth: Defeat is ours. If we can't communicate with these bone-jelly ghosts, we're doomed! Amy: Professor, I 'ave analysed the Aliens' movements with this movement analyser. Professor Farnsworth: That device was a gift from my ancestors. Go on. Amy: It seems their movements are a form of language. Rather than speaking Ja&mdash; Transition Announcer: English! Amy: [continued] Like us, they speak by dancing. Professor Farnsworth: Of course! Having no mouths our ears, they could only communicate through motions! Fry: Or perhaps by odours! Bender: That is 'ow you communicate! Planet Express crew: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Leela: Then our only hope to talk to them is by doing a peace dance. But it will have to be smoother an' more fluid than any movement mankind is capable of. Fry: What if we hire a buttered geisha? Professor Farnsworth: Another one of your ill-timed jokes, Fry?! Fry: You an' I are enemies now! Zoidberg: Hear my words. I believe I, the most humble member of Action Delivery Team, could do such a dance! Hermes: Surely, your heart shell is too rigid! I call on anyone but you to do the peace dance! Zoidberg: [sad] Aw. Bender: Of course, I will do the peace dance. But I will need help. Bender and Fry: Super Dance Squad, initiate!
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Amy: We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message!
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Subtitle: Hey aliens, we will kill you! And dishonor your widows by making them gather wood! Fire a the weapon!
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Professor Farnsworth: Wha, wha?! We thought we were so smart with our science and dancing, but look at us now: At Gigatron's mercy! Zoidberg: The shame is too great. It's time to end this! Huh-yah! Feh! Leela: [off camera] Zoidberg, [on camera] stop! We are too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death! Zoidberg: No hara-kiri today, but heiwa no dansu! The gelatinous dance of peace! Hermes: You may be gelatinous, but not even the Mochi Phanton could perform such intricate motions! Zoidberg: Says you, salaryman!
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Subtitle: What is the medical crab doing?
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Zoidberg: Behold! The dance of peace! Bender: The dance is so complex! The eye can barely follow it! Zoidberg: I may be the humblest Team member, but I have given it my all. Amy: I underestimated you, medical crab. But will the Aliens understand?!
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Subtitle: We have understand peace.
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Subtitle: Farewell, Action Team. Professor Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all. Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise next week at the same time! Leela: Until then... Bender and Fry: Action Delivery Force star-hero rocket engage!
 * [Closing Credits.]