Transcript:A Farewell to Arms


 * [Scene: The streets of New New York. Pedestrians walk and vehicles move; a man is operating a stand selling sunglasses for $8. A storm begins to brew, and all pedestrians take off except for the owner of the sunglasses store, who simply changes the sign on his stand from "SUNGLASSES: $8" to "LASERBRELLAS: $8", then opens up a laserbrella. He is then swept away by a moving tornado. Immediately afterwards, the storm clears up and the reading on the sign changes back to "SUNGLASSES: $8". "$8" then moves up to "$9". Fry and Leela walk into the scene.]

Leela: A lot of weather we're having.
 * [Fry and Leela come across a puddle.]

Fry: Allow me, my lady. ''[Fry takes off his pants and places them over the puddle.] Shall we go a'trouserin'? Leela: Fry, I appreciate the gallantry, but isn't this a bit much? Fry: [dejectedly] You're right. I'm sorry for showing my love. Leela: [sighs] Okay. Fine. Fry: Here, take my hand!
 * [Fry lifts his hand up to Leela. Leela takes his hand and walks on Fry's pants over the puddle. She immediately falls through the puddle and screams. She resurfaces a few seconds later, entangled by a set of green tentacles. She is sucked back down.]
 * [Scene: The kitchen in the conference room of Planet Express headquarters. Leela, who is covered in tentacle marks, is frying the tentacles over a stove. She salts the tentacles. In the background, Zoidberg, Bender and Amy sit at the conference table. Fry, who is only wearing his underwear, walks in and clips his pants to a white rope. Professor Farnsworth then walks into the room.]

Farnsworth: News and weather, everyone. I'm sure you've all noticed the bizarre atmospheric conditions of late.
 * [Hermes walks into the room, covered in snow. He has no shirt on and is wearing boots with snowshoes, a snorkel and sunglasses and is holding a glass of iced tea.]

Hermes: Come to mention it, yes. Farnsworth: It seems something ain't right in the magnetosphere, so I'm launching this high-altitude weather balloon to gather more data. ''[The Professor pushes a button on a remote control, and the roof opens up. The weather balloon rises up in the air. Its string releases from a pipe, with Fry's pants still attached to it.]'' Fry: My pants! My lucky pants!
 * [Fry chases after the balloon, but it is too late.]

Hermes: They don't look so lucky to me. Fry: They are too! I was wearing them that time I found a dime in my ear! It was wearing them when I won a subscription to Redbook! And I was wearing them when I first met Leela, so, yeah, they're lucky! Leela: Aw...also, oh, Lord. Fry: Plus, they're my only pants. Bender: You've worn the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it! ''[Bender laughs and gives himself a high-five.] Woo!
 * [Scene: The sky. The weather balloon flies away, with Fry's pants attached to it. The scene zooms out, revealing that the Planet Express ship is chasing after the balloon.]
 * [Cut to: Space. The balloon has just exited Earth's atmosphere, and the ship chases after it.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the ship. Bender and Fry watch as Leela pilots the ship and Professor Farnsworth navigates.]

Farnsworth: Soon your trousers will slip the surly bonds of Earth, and ascend to the heavens! Fry: I'm gonna blast that balloon! [Fry pushes a button labelled "TO GUN TURRET".] No way will I let God get my pants! [Fry sits himself down on a seat, which then lifts him up to the gun turret.] Nobody messes with my pants. Not even the Holy One. Blessed be He. ''[Fry presses the buttons of the gun turret and shoots the balloon, causing it to explode. Fry's pants fall back down to Earth.]''
 * [Scene: Earth. The pants fall back down to Earth in the New New York skies, and the ship follows them. The ship lands in a tree-covered area. Fry's pants have landed on the branch of a tree. Fry runs out of the ship to get them back. As he is about to get them, a hissing sound is heard, and Fry stops in his tracks. A badger is blocking his path.]

Hermes: Look out! A Central Park badger!
 * [Fry jumps up and attempts to grab his pants, but the badger jumps up as well and grabs the pants with its mouth. It falls on Fry's back and burrows down in a hole.]

Fry: I'll save you, pants! Scruffy, do you have any varmint grease? Scruffy: What viscosity you need?
 * [Fry, covered in yellow grease, jumps in the hole. He falls into the hole underground, which is pitch-black. He lights a match, and discovers that the wall is covered in mysterious symbols.]

Fry: Woah, there's writing in here! [The flame from his match starts to ignite his body.] Also, this grease is flammable!
 * [Outside, the crew are waiting for Fry. Fire bursts from the hole. The scene cuts back to the underground, and a hand is seen spraying a white liquid. The camera zooms out, revealing that Scruffy is spraying Fry with a fire-extinguisher. Amy, who is holding a flashlight, and Zoidberg are looking at the symbols. Fry tries to get up, but Hermes falls on him.]

Farnsworth: Incredible! Who could have done this? The sewer mutants? Leela: No, this isn't mutant language. We use a lot more profanity. [The sound of falling soil is heard, and Leela falls down.] Son of a bi–[bleep]!
 * [Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Amy and Bender walk over to Leela. She is hanging on a branch, about to fall into a hole.]

Fry: Leela! Take my hand!
 * [Leela takes Fry's hand, but is unable to catch a firm grip because the hand is covered in grease.]

Leela: I'm slipping! The one time your hands aren't sticky, they're greasy! Fry: I'm sorry. Normally, I would have wiped them on my pants, but–
 * [Leela slips and falls into the hole. A loud thud is heard, and the scene cuts to black. An eye begins to open.]

Fry: Are you okay? Leela: I–ow! My leg! It's broken! How'd you get down here? Fry: We made a rope from my shirt and jacket. [Fry points to a rope made of red and white cloth.] And an expedition from my underpants! [Fry lifts up a pole with a pair of underpants attached to it, labelled "OPERATION CYCLOPS DOWN" and bearing the symbol of a hawk with a single eye.] I'll help you up. Here, take my hand. Leela: Stop telling me to take your hand! Look, Fry, your noble things keep making things worse. Can't you just be a rude, unhelpful jerk like Bender? Bender: When I use up the toilet paper I don't put up a new roll!
 * [Fry has a disappointed look on his face.]

Zoidberg: Fry, my friend, I found your pants! [Fry happily takes the pants and puts them on.] And no sign of that crafty badger! Fry: All right! Lucky pants! ''[The badger, which is still in Fry's pants, moves around. Fry panics and screams, and the badger runs off.]''
 * [Amy shines her flashlight in the direction the badger is running.]

Amy: Oh my God! Look what my flashlight found!
 * [The flashlight reveals a giant pyramid, which has a giant circular object. Amy, Bender, Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, Scruffy, Zoidberg and Fry, who is not wearing a shirt and covered in an unknown substance.]

Zoidberg: A giant pyramid under New New York? What badger could have built this? Farnsworth: And look at this intricately carved disk! It merits years of study. But how can we move such a fragile, precious–
 * [Cut to: The streets of New New York. People run away as Bender rolls the disk, destroying several cars in the process.]

Bender: Ancient history coming through! ''[Bender rolls the disk over the Falafel cart man and his cart, crushing him.]
 * [Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Amy, Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Scruffy, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender and Leela, who is wearing crutches, are around the disk, which has been placed on the conference table. Amy and Professor Farnsworth are inspecting the disk with scanners. Behind the two is a computer.]

Farnsworth: Amazing! It appears to be some kind of extremely ancient calendar! Predating even the girls of Sumeria! Of course! It's a Mayan calendar! [The device's screen shows the disk with what appears to be the label "MAYAN CALENDAR".] No...wait! There's some dried-up old stew on the screen. Scruffy: Sorry. I was eating a can of breakfast and looking at porn. [Amy rubs off the stew, revealing that what appeared to be the word "MAYAN" is actually the word "MARTIAN".] Amy: [gasps] It's not Mayan, it's Martian! Leela: Amy, you grew up on Mars, right? Can you read Martian? Amy: A little. I only learned enough to yell at my nanny. Let's see... [Amy reads some incomprehensible Martian words.] I think it means..."The sun will erupt...all shall perish. Blah, blah, blah." Bender: Get to the point! What does it say about me, Bender? Amy: [gasps] Nothing! But it does say a great cataclysm will destroy the world in the year 3012! [Amy points to some symbols, and a drawing of a circle bursting to pieces.] Bender: The world? That's where I live! Told you it'd say something about me! Fry: So the world will end in 3012. Why does that year sound so familiar?
 * [In the background, the sky turns from blue to red.]

Farnsworth: Because that's the year that's this year! See?
 * [Farnsworth points toward the window, and the camera zooms into it.]
 * [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The sky is a reddish-orange, and multiple lightning storms are taking place.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. The crew gasp.]

Scruffy: [holding a spoon and a can labelled "PANCAKE STEW"] So, uh...are you all done with the computer?
 * [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. An infernal storm is taking place. A dramatic piece of music stops playing.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Leela, Fry, Scruffy, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender are standing around the calendar - which, like the conference table, is round.  Leela is on crutches.]

Hermes: Is it just me - or is the world endin' more often these days? Amy: The calendar predicts fires, earthquakes, sharksplosions... [Amy points at three different spots on the table.] Then, it just ends!
 * [Amy shrugs and puts her hands on her face. Farnsworth inserts a plug coming from the screen into the popped weather balloon's base.]

Farnsworth: Exactly as the weather balloon foretold! Before Fry blew his pants outta the sky, it detected the onset of a catastrophic sunspot cycle. ''[Farnsworth turns on the screen - which begins showing the sun. The camera zooms in on it. An alien-themed piece of music begins playing and a solar flare appears. The windows are broken by the solar flare and the crew scream.]'' It's starting! This is the end of the world!
 * [Farnsworth points up with his right hand.]
 * [Cut to: The streets of New New York. People are running and screaming. Hovercars are crashing. The camera pans up. A building and a billboard are displaying the words "WORLD ENDING". A man is on a rooftop and a woman and another man are looking out their windows. A man in an apron screams as he falls down. The rooftop man jumps and also screams and the woman jumps out her window and holds on to the edge. The superhero from The Beast with a Billion Backs flies by and the music stops playing.]

Superhero from The Beast with the Billion Backs: Cowardman, away!
 * [The superhero flies away and the woman falls off. A man in a suit holding a suitcase runs around a corner while speaking gibberish, throws the suitcase away, runs into Nine - who is holding a sign reading "THE END IS NEAR" - and shakes Nine. Nine looks angry as the man resumes running.]

Nine: Some of us were crazy before it was cool.
 * [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express building. The roof opens up.]
 * [Cut to: The hangar of the Planet Express building. The ship is rising up.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the ship. Fry, Hermes, Amy and Leela are seated down, strapped with seatbelts. Several suitcases encased in netting are around them. Leela is holding a key.]

Leela: Evacuating the planet in 3...2... Farnsworth: So long, Earth! Thanks for nothing!
 * [Farnsworth and Bender, who is smoking a cigar and reading Space Mall, are also seated. Leela puts the key in the ignition and turns. Several muffles are heard, but the ship fails to start up.]

Leela: It's not starting!
 * [Cut to: The streets of New New York. Sal is trying to start up the truck.]

Sal: Come on...comes on!
 * [Cut to: The White House. The roof is opened up, and the presidential spaceship is aimed towards the sky.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the presidential spaceship. Richard Nixon's head and a clone of the headless body of Agnew are seated. Agnew is pushing a button, attempting to start up the ship. Agnew grunts in frustration.]

Nixon: Oh, let me try, headless clone of Agnew! [Nixon's robotic arm presses the button, but fails to start the ship.] Damn thing just won't turn over. It's like Pat on a Sunday morning!
 * [Cut to: Inside the Planet Express ship. Farnsworth is turning a red button, testing out some frequencies.]

Farnsworth: Oh, the Marconi is on the fritz too! The electromagnetic storm is disabling all electronics on Earth!
 * [A sound is heard. Bender, whose hand is reaching into Farnsworth's pocket and holding his wallet, is frozen in place. A shutdown noise is heard.]

Bender: [embarassed] Hi, there. [Bender drops down on the floor.]
 * [Scene: The balcony of the Planet Express building. The lightning storms continue to rage on in the orange sky. Leela is standing, and Fry walks in and joins her.]

Leela: Well, it wasn't a bad life. If only I could get back that time I spent watching Tron Legacy. Fry: Leela, I've made up my mind. Before we die, I'm gonna find and destroy every remaining copy of Tron Legacy! It may take a couple of hours, but– Leela: Fry, stop trying to do things for me! [She puts her hands onto Fry's.] Whatever time we have left, just live it with me. So...you wanna join the balcony club?
 * [Fry starts smiling. Zoidberg walks in on the two of them.]

Zoidberg: The balcony club? I have an individual membership! Fry: Zoidberg, get lost! Zoidberg: I am lost! So long.
 * [Fry and Leela start kissing and slowly go down off-camera. Amy barges through the doors.]

Amy: Stop the end-of-the-world sex! We might survive after all!
 * [Fry and Leela get back up and groan.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express laboratory. Farnsworth is in a coffin, and his head is rested on a pillow. Something is in his nose.]

Farnsworth: Alright, Amy! What's so important that you interrupted my embalming?
 * [The scene zooms out, revealing that he is in the process of embalming himself. Hermes is holding a jar containing a green liquid as well an organ.]

Amy: I translated more Martian symbols! There's a way off this planet! That underground pyramid isn't a pyramid– [Cut to: The background turns grey.] It's a rocketship!
 * [The camera zooms out, revealing that they are underground outside the pyramid-like rocketship. Several bulldozers circle around it.]

Zoidberg: It was worth waiting five hours to hear you finish that sentence.
 * [Scruffy stops the bulldozer he is driving.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the Martian rocketship.]

Fry: A spaceship made of stone? With no electronics, it just might work! Bender: I'll stick with wind-up power, thank you very much! ''[Bender has a wind-up handle on his back, which is spinning. He sits himself down.]''
 * [Amy, Hermes, Leela, Fry and Scruffy are inspecting the cockpit.]

Leela: Hmmm...I've never flown a pyramid before. But I used to drive around town in a mausoleum! Hermes: How many people can this thing carry? Leela: Well, the mausoleum held ten horny teenagers, so...maybe thirty-thousand. Farnsworth: It's our moral duty to save as many lives as possible! [The ground starts to shake, and debris starts falling.] They had a chance! Let's go! [He seats himself next to Bender and fastens his seatbelt.] Zapp: Mind if I appear! [Zapp appears, pointing a raygun at the crew.]
 * [Scene: Outside the White House. The camera pans down to a tube with an elevator underground that leads to an identical White House.]
 * [Scene: Inside the underground White House. The Planet Express crew walk in with their hands up as Zapp continues to point the gun at them.]

Nixon: Welcome to the hearty house. Brannigan! Tell me about this freaky-deaky escape pyramid! Zapp: I can fly it, sir! I just need to know where. And how. Nixon: The obvious destination is Mars. ''[The screen behind him turns on, showing a view of the Solar System. Nixon's robotic arm picks up a stick and points at Mars.] It's close, with lots of open space and no Woodward or'' Bernstein! That's a plus. [Behind him, the camera zooms into Mars and a path leading from Earth to Mars is traced.] Amy: But we can only save thirty-thousand people! How do we choose who goes? Nixon: Well, let's see now. We'll need leaders... [The headless clone of Agnew gives an approving and happy grunt.] scientists... [Farnsworth and Amy smile.] doctors... [The camera pans over to Zoidberg.] bureaucrats... [The camera pans over to Hermes.] pilots... [The camera pans over to Leela.] valuable appliances... ''[The camera pans over to Bender. Nixon makes an ad-lib.]'' even janitors! [The camera pans over to Scruffy.] But that's it! [The camera pans over to a happy Fry.] No one else! [Fry becomes disappointed.] Fry: I'll miss you, Leela. [sniffles] But it's okay. Because then I'll die. Nixon: Cut the waterworks, hippie! The final decision will be made not by me, but by a cold, logical machine!
 * [Scene: Madison Cube Garden. A larger banner reading "SELECTION DAY" is hung up. Long lines of people stand outside.]

Announcer: Who shall live and who shall die? Step right up to the Contrabulous Choosematron!
 * [Elzar takes a card from a machine as Smitty and URL watch. Hattie, Petunia, Zoidberg, Bender, Fry and Leela are lined up.]

Fry: I hate waiting in line to die.
 * [Hattie takes her turn.]

Announcer: Move it along, grandma! Stick your hand in and take your chances!
 * [Hattie sticks her hand into a slot in the Contrabulous Choosematron.]

Contrabulous Choosematron: Female. Crotchety. Needed to keep others in their place. Accepted! [The Contrabulous Choosematron dispenses a card labelled "TICKET TO MARS"'' with Hattie's picture on it. It is marked "NON-TRANSFERABLE".]'' Hattie: [She takes her ticket.] Damn straight, kajigger!
 * [A screen in the background reads "ACCEPTED" in bold, green text. Hattie walks away and Petunia takes her turn.]

Petunia: Ooh, me next!
 * [Petunia sticks her hand into the slot.]

Contrabulous Choosematron: We just got one of these. Rejected! [It makes a buzzing sound.]
 * [Petunia walks away and Farnsworth takes his turn, sticking his hand into the slot.]

Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Scientist. Fond of crazy contraptions. Accepted! [It makes a bell sound of approval and dispenses Farnsworth's ticket.]
 * [Farnsworth takes his ticket and walks away. Amy takes her turn, sticking her hand into the slot.]

Contrabulous Choosematron: Female. Scientist. We were in the same sorority! Accepted! [It makes the bell sound of approval and dispenses Amy's ticket.]
 * [The screen in the background once again reads "ACCEPTED" in bold, green text. Amy takes her ticket and slowly walks away.]

Amy and the Contrabulous Choosematron: [In unison.] Sigma beta, see ya later!
 * [Zoidberg takes his turn, and places his claw in the slot. The size of his claw forces him to squeeze it into the splot.]

Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Medical doctor. Delicious with butter and lemon. Accepted! [It makes the bell sound of approval and dispenses Zoidberg's ticket.]
 * [Zoidberg walks over to Hermes, LaBarbara, Dwight, Farnsworth, Amy and Scruffy, who are all standing together with their tickets.]

Hermes: I wish they'd hurry. I want to get out of here before the mayhem starts! Bender: Mayhem? There's gonna be mayhem? I'm staying! [He takes out a molotov from his chest compartment and runs off.] Woo-eee! Fry: Well, might as well get it over with. [Fry takes his turn and puts his hand in the slot.] Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Delivery boy. No discernible skills. Accepted! [It makes the bell sound of approval and dispenses Fry's ticket.] 'Cause I like his pants. Fry: Yes! My lucky pants! Leela! We can go together after all! Come on, get your badge! Take my hand! Contrabulous Choosematron: Top gun pilot. Natural leader. Extreme combat training. Rejected! [It makes a buzzing sound.] Leela: What?! Contrabulous Choosematron: With all spaceships inoperable, we only need one spaceship pilot!
 * [Cut to: Inside the Martian stone spaceship. Zapp is on the pilot's seat, pressing buttons. Kif is sitting down in front of him, jotting down notes on a clipboard.]

Zapp: Wonder what this doo-cracky does. [He presses a button, causing snakes to fall from a compartment onto Kif.] Snake door. Roger!
 * [Kif sighs.]
 * [Cut to: Madison Square Garden.]

Fry: You can't reject Leela! Give her a badge, you stupid box! [He punches the Contrabulous Choosematron, and ends up getting his hand back in the slot.] Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Filthy hand. Violent temper. Accepted again! [It makes the bell sound of approval.] Fry: Nooo!
 * [Fry picks up the Contrabulous Choosematron and shakes him. Smitty and URL aim their guns at Fry.]

Leela: Fry. The box has spoken. Go to Mars. Fry: [sadly] Okay. [He and Leela begin to walk away.] Will you at least keep this photo? ''[He pulls out a picture of him and Leela together at the Planet Express prom and gives it to Leela. He sniffles.]'' Remember how Bender dumped all that pig's blood on me? Leela: [She gives back the picture to Fry.] You keep it. I'll remember you in here. [She puts her hand on her chest.] Fry: [sniffles] I wish I could remember with my boobs.
 * [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]