Transcript:The Futurama Holiday Spectacular


 * [Opening credits.]
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express building, dressed in Yuletide cheer with lights that spell out "Merry Xmas".]

Transition Announcer: It's the Futurama Holiday Spectacular! Brought to you by...
 * [Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts logo appears on screen]

Transition Announcer: Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts!
 * [Scene: Interior of smelloscope room. A palm tree is decked in its Xmas best, Leela is putting the finishing touches on the room with Xmas lights, Fry is shaking the presents, and Zoidberg is looking out the window. Amy come in wearing a Santa hat with a plate of obvious product placement.]

Amy: Ah, the Xmas season. Who wants a delicious unshelled nut?
 * [Bender walks in dressed like a nutcracker and marching like a soldier.]

Bender: Ooh, I'll have one!
 * [Amy puts a nut in Bender's open mouth and Hermes lifts Bender's arm, which causes the nut to crack and Amy takes the inside and eats it.]

Amy: Mmm..."It's NUTSO Good!" Fry: Oh. Leela: What's wrong, Fry? Are you regretting another wasted year? Fry: I don't know. Somethin' about Xmas just doesn't feel like Christmas.
 * [An alarm blares as Professor Farnsworth walks in.]

Farnsworth: Santa's coming! Initiate defenses!
 * [The building shields itself and Bender, Hermes and Zoidberg block the chimney.]
 * [Scene: Exterior of building. The building continuously locks itself as Robot Santa flies around it in his sled.]

Robot Santa: God rest ye, merry gentlemen...in peace! [fires his missile]
 * [Scene: Back to the interior]

Fry: Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song?
 * [Robot Santa comes down the chimney and flies into the room.]

Robot Santa: [singing] It's the violentest season of the year.
 * [Two Neptunian elves pour eggnog into a bottle]

Elf: [singing] And Kringle brought his egg-dispensing mugs of Xmas fear.
 * [The bottle blows up]

Robot Santa: [singing] Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head When I cane you from the comfort of my sled.
 * [Santa candy canes Fry, who sees spinning ornaments a la the cartoon bird gag.]

Leela: [singing] On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel, Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel. Farnsworth: [singing] And if Grandma's Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass, It can be regifted straight to Santa's ass.
 * [Farnsworth throws the fruitcake which seemingly destroys Robot Santa and a gingerbread house, but in the next shot, he's still alive]

Robot Santa: [singing] But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial, The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile. The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous Is a pine tree; a pine tree that's coniferous. Planet Express Crew (except Amy): [singing] We have to have a pine tree as coniferous. Robot Santa: You're welcome.
 * [Robot Santa exits the room. Fry kicks Scruffy in an attempt to wake him up.]

Fry: You know, Santa may have killed Scruffy, but he makes a good point. What we need is an old-fashioned pine tree. Farnsworth: Cram it, Virginia! Pine trees have been extinct for over eight hundred years. Leela: Professor, maybe there's some way to bring the pine trees back to life, like we did the barking snakes.
 * [Leela holds up a snake that barks like a dog.]

Farnsworth: Pine trees aren't barking snakes. They won't just turn up in a salad at Olive Garden. But there is one hope, and, as usual, it's Norwegian!
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of Norwegian Alps. The ship flies by them and lands on the ice and spins into the snow making another "successful" landing.  The door opens and the crew exits the ship.]

Farnsworth: Behold! The Svalbard Global Seed Vault! Since 2008, the vault has preserved seeds of every known plant species in case of extinction. Hermes: And I brought a few seeds of my own.
 * [A Norwegian man comes out of the vault doors with two barking snakes.]

Norwegian Seed Man: Halt! Wh-what's your business poky-pokin' about da seed vault, eh, guardian of mankind's precious botanical heritage dere? Farnsworth: We just wanna come in and rummage about a bit. Norwegian Seed Man: Oh. So...okay. [unlocks the vault] Bender: Yo, Abba, what's that next door?
 * [Zoom out to reveal another vault with the sign "Germ Warfare Repository" with a window that opens and shuts with the wind]

Norwegian Seed Man: Oh, dat's da germ warfare repository. Leela: It's so close. Is there any chance of cross-contamination?
 * [pause]

Norwegian Seed Man: No.
 * [Scene: Interior of the vault. The seed man opens up a cooler with the label "Pinus xmas" on it and takes out a pine cone.]

Norwegian Seed Man: Now, your pine trees were all chopped down to make imirgincee toilet paper durin' th' fifty-year squirts. Lucky da seeds have bin preserved here in da vault der. Amy: What's that splork on them? [the camera cuts to a closeup of a tray full of germs] It's not germs, is it?
 * [pause]

Norwegian Seed Man: No.
 * [Scene: Exterior of Planet Express building. Fry is seen outside taking a pine seed and planting it.]
 * [Time passage fade.]
 * [Caption: "One year later"]
 * [The scene changes and the tree is almost fully grown and trimmed and a crowd of people look at it.]

Fry: Now that's a tree worth chopping down.
 * [Pan to Tinny Tim]

Tinny Tim: Indeed. 'Tis a loverly tree. 'Twould truly be my finest Xmas eve—
 * [The robot child gets run over by a Presidential limo. The window rolls down to reveal President Nixon's head admiring the tree.]

Nixon: Araroo!
 * [Scene: Interior of the car, Nixon is seen talking to Vice President Dick Cheney's Head]

Nixon: That's what my poll numbers need: Happy voters enjoying some holiday cheer. Cheney: As your Vice President, I order you to steal that tree.
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of the White House. The tree's branched out and a bigger crowd is applauding Nixon and Cheney on the stage of the White House.]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, welcome to the Annual White House Xmas Tree Lighting, brought to you by Gunderson's Nuts!
 * [Applause, a Secret Service man brings a case with a button in it, which Nixon's head pushes and lights up the tree to more applause and cheers. Suddenly, the tree grows bigger and bigger and everyone gasps.]

Amy: Oh no! Could the seed have been contaminated by a virus from the germ vault? Norwegian Seed Man: Oh, yeh, I suppose. Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. That weaponized virus made the sickly little tree grow big and strong.
 * [The tree is now an adult and it shakes until all the pine cones fire to the ground like grenade bombs, and everyone runs away in fear. Suddenly, the pine cone bombings stop and more pine trees grow from the ground.]

Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. Reforestation has begun.
 * [The ground starts to shake.]

Bender: Aw, jeez with this, hey?(?)
 * [All the trees spontaneously grow and more trees sprout from the ground. The camera cuts to a shot of the Earth, which is still spinning in the wrong direction from the results of That Darn Katz!.  The continents become greener.  The camera cuts back down to where we left the crew.  The world is now teaming with wildlife.]

Leela: Arguably, this could be a good thing. The planet has returned to its primeval state. Fry: Earth is just the way it was before the white man came.
 * [Farnsworth takes out a device that lights up to 10%]

Farnsworth: Good news! All these pine trees are fighting global warming by producing oxygen. Happy now, Gore?
 * [Al Gore's Head appears]

Gore: Yeah, but I'd be happier if I had a set of lungs.
 * [Farnsworth checks the device again.]

Farnsworth: Wait a second! Oxygen levels are rising too rapidly! 10%...20%...60%! Gore: As long as it doesn't hit 70! Farnsworth: 80%! Bender: Y'know, I don't recall having done anything for a while. But I still feel like I deserve a smoke. [takes out a cigar and lights it, which causes Gore, Leela and Farnsworth to turn around and gasp, when Bender sees sparks in the air] Hey, cool, the air's on fire.
 * [Wide shot of the Earth, which burns to a crisp. Robot Santa flies past the unlivable planet.]

Robot Santa: Ho ho ho! Everyone's dead! [cheerfully, to the viewing audience] Stay tuned for another tale of holiday hilarity!
 * [Scene: Exterior of Planet Express building]

Transition Announcer: Now, back to...
 * [Title: Gunderson's Nuts Holiday Spectacular featuring Futurama]

Transition Announcer: ...the Gunderson's Nuts Holiday Spectacular featuring Futurama!
 * [Scene: Interior of Planet Express meeting room. Leela, Bender, Fry, Farnsworth, Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes are gathered around.]

Farnsworth: Okay, crew. Xmas break is over. It's time to destroy these gifts we forgot to deliver. Bender: Woah, woah, woah! How come we get off for every dumb human holiday but not for robot holidays? Leela: Oh, Lord, not Robanukah. Bender: I'm talkin' about Robanukah, the holiest six and a half weeks in the robot calendar! Amy: Pfft! That's just a fake holiday you make up every year to get out of work. Fry: Yeah, if it's real, how come there's no song that explains how you celebrate it? Bender: Because there is! Hit it! Farnsworth: Hit what? Bender: I've placed instruments under your seats. Play 'em or I'll break 'em over your heads!
 * [Fry gets out a holophonor, Farnsworth a fiddle, and Zoidberg an accordion, and start playing klezmer music]

Bender: [singing] Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish, But its ancient sounding customs are exceptionally newish. So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddish cup, Which will give me time to quickly make them up.
 * [Amy burps after taking a sip of Roboschewitz wine, Hermes is seen spinning a dreidel that lands on gimmel]

Hermes: [singing] Do you spin a dreidel made from clay? Bender: [singing] Mine is called a droidel and it's rigged to make you pay.
 * [The droidel flips over to shin and Bender takes all the coins and puts them in his cavity]

Amy: [singing] Do you eat these dummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins? Bender: Better! [singing] We got fembots with illegal five-speed groins! [spoken] Shalom, Ruth and Esther! Ruth: Why with the music so loud? Esther: Would it kill him to turn up the heat a little in here? Bender: [singing] But my farther most important thing is oil. Leela: [singing] To keep the lamp light burning or to help the latkes broil? Bender: [singing] No, we pour the holy lubricant out from the sacred vessel Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle. Planet Express Crew: [singing] The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle. Bender: We shall now begin the traditional oil wrestling. Will the referee bring out the ceremonial crudes of petroleum oil? [a monkey wearing a referee's outfit and carrying an oil can comes in] Thank you, Abraham. [Bender takes the can and is about to squirt the oil but Ruth stops him] Ruth: Not in the hair, please. I just had it did.
 * [Bender squirts the oil on the wrestling fembots, but runs out.]

Bender: Aw, no! These broads are s'posed to wrestle for six and a half weeks! But there's only enough petroleum oil for four and a half weeks!
 * [musical sting]

Esther: We're still gettin' paid, right? Bender: I told you it's an audition! Leela: Bender, four and a half weeks of oil wrestling sounds like plenty. Bender: This isn't a lousy reform Robanukah! We need more petroleum oil!
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of a Mombil gas station. The Planet Express ship lands there.]
 * [Cut to: Shot of service station, where the crew is hoping to get oil.]

Sal's friend: I got me some whale oil, some squirrel oil— Bender: Not kosher! It has to be petroleum oil! Do you not give a damn about the hallowed traditions of Robanukah?! Sal's friend: I reckon I do not. Anyways, Earth done run out of petroleum oil.
 * [The crew gasps as Gore's head makes his way between the throng.]

Gore: I tried to warn you. [to Sal's friend] One unit of free limitless solar power please.
 * [Sal's friend steps out of the sun and Gore's head jar suddenly has a meter where his nameplate would usually be. He smiles when it reaches full power.]

Sal's friend: That'll be...I dunno...ten bucks? Gore: Um, can you make change for a Nobel Prize?
 * [Scene: Interior shot of meeting room.]

Bender: Aw, man! Can't we just make more petroleum oil? Farnsworth: I'm afraid not, son. [turns on the hologram projector which shows a grid sphere] Petroleum only forms when organic matter is subjected to intense pressure for hundreds of millions of years.
 * [Farnsworth's explanation is graphically represented by a giant human hand, possibly the hand of God, squeezing a tree, a human, and a brontosaurus into petroleum]

Fry: I can't wait that long! I've got ADD! Bender: This is so unfair! Ruth: I don't wrestle dry, Bender. I went to Vasser. Bender: Professor, I want you to look these poor floozies in the eye and tell them their oil wrestling days are over.
 * [Farnsworth looks at the two nasty fembots sadly over the sad music from Rebirth. He finally gives in.]

Farnsworth: [sighs] I suppose there could be a minute quantity of petroleum left. But it would be insanely deep within the earth, at pressures so dangerously high that—
 * [a horn is heard honking, the camera cuts to reveal it was Bender honking the horn of the ship]

Bender: Let's go already!
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of PE headquarters]

The ship exits the building with a drill attached to it. It starts drilling right in the middle of a street.
 * [Cut to: Inside the ship]

Leela: Setting Bachman turners to overdive. Hermes: We're getting pretty deep. [gasps] Look! More coffins!
 * [Cut to: An exterior shot of the ship. We see other tunnels around them. The ship tunnels into a tunnel, and suddenly in mid-air, crashes.]

Amy [Off Screen]: Oh, no! We tunneled into a tunnel!
 * [Cut to: Inside the ship.]

Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking? ''[A loud, boring sound is heard. Leela adjusts the mirror so that she can see an huge, albino (red-eyed, white) worm-looking thing.]'' Farnsworth: [Gasps] It's an albino humping worm!
 * [Cut to: An exterior shot of the sip. The worm is behind them. Cut to: Inside the ship.]

Fry: Why do they call it that? [The ship rocks back and forth; parts of the worm are seen outside the window] Farnsworth: Because it doesn't have any pigment.
 * [Cut to: An exterior shot of the ship. The ship drills deeper.]

Farnsworth: What's our depth, captain? Leela: Forty kilometers. Fifty! Bender: There must be petroleum oil down here somewhere. Go deeper! Deeper! Farnsworth: No, Bender! The ship can't withstand this much pressure! Sometimes it falls apart just sitting in the hanger! Bender: Professor, I've never asked for anything before, but seeing those fembots glistening with oil means more to me than life itself. Farnsworth: [Sighs] Oh, call me an old fool, but I believe the lord is speaking through you. [To the rest of the crew] Brace yourselves, everyone! [Everyone braces themselves. The ship goes deeper.] Leela: One hundred kilometers! Two hundred! Amy: I hate to complain about the heat, but the air conditioner is on fire!
 * [Cut to: The air conditioner. It is on fire.]

Hermes: [Is about to bite into a soylent ice-cream snack, but it melts.] My ice cream manwich!
 * [Cut to: Again, an exterior shot of the ship. It is drilling deeper. Cut to: Inside the ship. It is breaking apart; parts of the ship become dented, and bolts fly out of them. Amy and Zoidberg rush to the back; a piece of metal dents and shoots a bolt in front of Fry.]

Leela: What are we doing? We're all gonna die so this "junkyard Golem" can celebrate Robanukah. Bender: You vile racist! Haven't my people suffered enough? Now keep drilling for that petroleum oil, you selfish cowards! Although, then again, I guess any kind of oil would be just as-- Everybody else: Aah! [The side of the ship that everybody except for Bender is on caves in, killing everyone.] Bender: [Looks away] Not my fault.
 * [Caption: 500 million years later. Cut to: Exterior view of the ship; it is badly damaged. Cut to: Inside the ship. Bender does not seem to be suffering from lack of beer, even though he has been on for 500 million years.]

Bender: I am so great! Bender is great! Bender, Bender, Bender-- [Takes out the watch from The Prisoner of Benda.] Man, where'd the time go? [Turns around] Hey, you guys wanna-- Oh. Right. [gasps] They turned into petroleum oil! I thought they were selfish, but in the end it turned out it was I who thought they were selfish!
 * [Scene: Above the surface, which does not look like the ladies' era from The Late Philip J. Fry at all. Bender comes up, using his head as a drill. He is carrying a can full of petroleum oil.]

Bender: Doo, doo-doo-doo, doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-Doo, DOO!
 * [Cut to: Inside the very damaged planet express. There is a skeleton near the surveillance tapes.]

Bender: Hey, ladies, I found some... what the--? [Ruth and Esther are still wrestling in the oil.] There was only enough petroleum for four and a half weeks of oil wrestling. But it lasted for 500 million years! It's a miracle!
 * [Cut to: An exterior shot of the building. Only the planet express building is left, except for a dried up river where the road should be. The camera moves slowly away from the building.]

Bender: Happy Robanukah, everyone! Coming up next, some more thoughtful, interfaith hijinx!