Transcript:The Duh-Vinci Code


 * [Opening Credits: Put on 3-D monocle now.]
 * [Scene: Set of Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Morbo is seated in the center, surrounded by an audience.]
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Silence, puny audience. And welcome to Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, [Calmly] while I chitchat with out first contestant, Philip J. Fry.
 * [The audience applauds while Fry descends from the ceiling in a rocket powered chair. He waves. A sign reads: "applaud or be destroyed".]
 * Bender: [In audience.] Give him hell, Morbo!
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Prepare for pleasantries. [Calmly] So Fry, what do you do for a living?
 * Fry: Me? Um, can I phone a friend?
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Chitchat achieved! [Dramatic music plays, lights turn on and the game begins.] Are you ready to play?
 * Fry: I didn't come to play. I came to win. Not let's play.
 * Morbo: For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, A nail? C...
 * Fry: B, nail! final answer! [A buzzer sounds and Fry's chair blasts off.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express meeting room.]
 * Hermes: Sweet dodo of ! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak?
 * Fry: I never stop to think about it.
 * Leela: Aw, leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty.
 * [Hermes, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg all nod.]
 * Bender: [Pointing at Fry] You a big dummy!
 * Fry: Hey, I'm starting to think you all don't think I'm very smart.
 * Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name,.
 * Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember. ''[The Professor pokes him with the Fing-Longer. Ow!
 * Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative.
 * Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew!
 * Fry: [He sniffles] But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?
 * Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.
 * [Scene: Planet Express, The Professor's study]
 * Farnsworth: All my life I've been inspired by great minds., , Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo Da Vinci. [He gestures to a bust of each.]
 * Fry: What turned them to stone?
 * Farnsworth: [He slaps his forehead and sighs] Da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor. [He pulls up the head of Da Vinci, revealing a button. He presses it. A shelf rises into the ceiling, revealing a lit cabinet with various sketches and models on shelves.] Voila! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines.
 * Fry: [He takes a beard from the cabinet] Uh-oh! Nibbler died in the wall.
 * Farnsworth: That's not Nibbler. That's my most precious possession. Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts. I suppose if I have an, it's because I bought it at that same auction. [He shows Fry a glass foot with a heel bone in it.]
 * Fry: [Wearing the beard] Indeed so. Most indeededly.
 * Farnsworth: Careful with that, you fool! [Fry sneezes, causing the beard to separate into individual hairs] No! No! But possibly yes. [A scroll is inside Fry's mouth]
 * Fry: What is it, Professor?
 * Farnsworth: [He unravels and unfolds the scroll] Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention. Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at least, neither do I!
 * Fry: Maybe we can figure it out?
 * Farnsworth: We? [He cackles insanely]
 * [Scene: Outside Planet Express.]
 * Fry: Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts. ''[He is run over by a hoverbus.
 * [Scene: Planet Express Meeting Room. Fry walks in, he is on crutches, has a broken leg and bandages wrapped around his head.]
 * Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.
 * Farnsworth: Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention.
 * Fry: Not even a card.
 * Farnsowrth: He might have hidden a clue in one of his other works. Ergo, I sent Bender out for a copy of the .
 * Bender: I'm back! Everyone at was an idiot, so I just brought the original. [He drags in a stone slab with the Last Supper on it.]
 * Zoidberg: and his.
 * Amy: [She points to something on the painting.] That's odd. This hand here doesn't belong to anybody. And it's pointing a knife at !
 * Bender: That's the great thing about that hand.
 * Hermes: [He points to a different part of the painting.] And what about these funky table legs? It's like their part of some other, funkier painting.
 * Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a.
 * Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that?
 * Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History.
 * Farnsworth: Let's see what hidden under the Last Supper. [He pressed a remote and a laser-like device descends from the ceiling. It fires at Hermes, allowing us to see through him.]
 * Hermes: Wait, I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat.
 * Farnsworth: [He nudges the machine.] My God! Look! [The crew gasps.]
 * Amy: My God! I'm looking!
 * [The table legs are revealed to be a wooden robot.]
 * Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot!
 * Zoidberg: My God! Da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.
 * Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery of all time. We must fly to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
 * Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
 * Farnsworth: To the ship!
 * [Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off into space, only to turn and land in Italy.]
 * [Scene: Rome. The ship flies past a sign that says "Future Roma" and go to the . The Space Pope signals them down. The ship lands on a monument.]
 * [Scene: Rome, Catacombs.]
 * Fry: Psst. Leela, wanna join the ?
 * Leela: Sure, why not?
 * Farnswoth: No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history. [Fry groans. They walk to a tomb.] Look at these.
 * Fry: Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome.
 * Farnsworth: [He hits Fry with a torch.] Don't be stupid. It's a long lost mathematical code. I'll need to consult these ancient writings. [He pulls out a book and blows the dust off it. It is .] Some preposterous hog-wash about the . Aha! The markings indicate how many paces we need to take. One ... Okay, we're there. [In front of them is a tomb that reads "JAMES". ]
 * Bender: Brothers and sisters, let us pry. [He pulls a out of his chest cabinet and opens the tomb. A robot is in there]
 * Farnsworth: It's true, Saint James really was a robot.
 * Bender: I bet he's up in Robot Heaven right now. So he won't miss his eyes. ''[He attempts to remove them with a.
 * ''[A mouse squeaks and runs into the wheel on Saint James' chest and begins running. Saint James stands up.
 * Fry: My God! Robot Saint James is a zombie.
 * Animatronio: Nay, I am not Saint James.
 * Bender: Enough of your lies, Saint James. We saw you in the Last Supper.
 * Animatronio: The great man Leonardo built me as an artist's model. When I took repose in this coffin, I carefully tossed the real Saint James in yonder heap. [A skeleton is nearby.] I'm sure you have many questions. Come, there is a chamber where I used to speak with Pope John the Patient.
 * [Scene: Underground Chamber.]
 * Animatronio: [He sighs. The Pope's skeleton is still seated in a chair, wearing his hat.] I told him I'd be back in five minutes. Ah well, he'll make a nice heap. [He dumps the body and sits in the chair himself.] I am Animatronio, guardian of da Vinci's great secret. He left my legs visible in the painting as a clue, then dispatched me hither to wait for his shadow society of intellectuals.
 * Fry: Hi, Animatronio.
 * Farnsworth: You personally knew da Vinci? [He gives a fan-girlish squeal.] Was he nice? How did his hair smell? And on a personal note, what is the function of this device? [He shows the plans.]
 * Animatronio: Halt! You do not know the function of the Machina Magnifica?