Transcript:The Duh-Vinci Code


 * [Opening Credits: Put on 3-D monocle now.]
 * [Scene: Set of Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Morbo is seated in the center, surrounded by an audience.]
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Silence, puny audience. And welcome to Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, [Calmly] while I chitchat with out first contestant, Philip J. Fry.
 * [The audience applauds while Fry descends from the ceiling in a rocket powered chair. He waves. A sign reads: "applaud or be destroyed".]
 * Bender: [In audience.] Give him hell, Morbo!
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Prepare for pleasantries. [Calmly] So Fry, what do you do for a living?
 * Fry: Me? Um, can I phone a friend?
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Chitchat achieved! [Dramatic music plays, lights turn on and the game begins.] Are you ready to play?
 * Fry: I didn't come to play. I came to win. Not let's play.
 * Morbo: For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, A nail? C...
 * Fry: B, nail! final answer! [A buzzer sounds and Fry's chair blasts off.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express meeting room.]
 * Hermes: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak?
 * Fry: I never stop to think about it.
 * Leela: Aw, leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty.
 * [Hermes, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg all nod.]
 * Bender: [Pointing at Fry] You a big dummy!
 * Fry: Hey, I'm starting to think you all don't think I'm very smart.
 * Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name,.
 * Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember. ''[The Professor pokes him with the Fing-Longer. Ow!
 * Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative.
 * Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew!
 * Fry: [He sniffles] But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something.
 * Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.
 * [Scene: Planet Express, The Professor's study]
 * Farnsworth: All my life I've been inspired by great minds., , Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo Da Vinci. [He gestures to a bust of each.]
 * Fry: What turned them to stone?
 * Farnsworth: [He slaps his head and sighs] Da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor. [He pulls up the head of Da Vinci, revealing a button. He presses it. A shelf rises into the ceiling, revealing a lit cabinet with various sketches and models on shelves.] Voila! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines.
 * Fry: [He takes a beard from the cabinet] Uh-oh! Nibbler died in the wall.
 * Farnsworth: That's not Nibbler. That's my most precious possession. Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts. I suppose if I have an, it's because I bought it at that same auction. [He shows Fry a glass foot with a heel bone in it.]
 * Fry: [Wearing the beard] Indeed so. Most indeededly.
 * Farnsworth: Careful with that, you fool! [Fry sneezes, causing the beard to separate into individual hairs] No! No! But possibly yes. [A scroll is inside Fry's mouth]
 * Fry: What is it, Professor?
 * Farnsworth: [He unravels and unfolds the scroll] Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention. Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at least, neither do I!
 * Fry: Maybe we can figure it out?
 * Farnsworth: We? [He cackles insanely]
 * [Scene: Outside Planet Express.]
 * Fry: Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts. ''[He is run over by a hoverbus.