Transcript:Decision 3012


 * [Opening credits. Caption: Made from 100% recycled pixels]
 * [After the standard opening cartoon is aired and the producer credits roll, the screen displays a caption reading "FREE BEER" with an arrow pointing down. The Futurama theme abruptly stops playing. The ship stops in front of the screen.]

Bender: Free beer?!
 * [Scene: Inside the Planet Express ship. Bender seizes control of the ship from Leela. The Futurama theme resumes. He crashes the ship into the screen.]

Bender: Free beer! Free beer! Free beer! Free beer! Free beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beeeer! ''[He jumps out the window. As he falls, he hits a flock of geese and Cowardman. He hits a tube transport system, causing it to break and people to fly out. He lands on the ground, creating an imprint of his body. He gets up and sees iZac pouring out beer for people.]'' Hello. I'm here for the...free beer? iZac: You got it! Right after these eight-hundred people get! [He points to a long line of people.] Bender: [angrily] Beer beer beer beer beer. [The introduction to "The Stars and Stripes Forever" plays.] Beer?
 * [Cut to: A stage. The headless clone of Agnew holds up Nixon's head and places it on a podium. Judge Whitey, Mrs. Astor, the Queen of Yonkers and Mayor Poopenmeyer are sitting on chairs. A sign reading "NIXON: KICK HIM AROUND FOR ANOTHER FOUR YEARS" is held up. The crowd applauds.]

Nixon: Thank you, headless clone of Agnew. My fellow Earthicans! I am proud to announce I'm for reelection as president of Earth. The greatest planet in the world! [The crowd applauds.] Is everyone enjoying their free beer? [The crowd members applaud and hold their cups of beer in the air.] Well, there's plenty more where that came from!
 * [The scene switches back to iZac, who is pouring beer. Beer stops spraying from the beer dispenser's handle.]

iZac: We're all out o' beer!
 * [The camera pans down to the ground, revealing that the tube leading into the beer tank has been cut. Behind the tank, Bender is pouring the beer into his body using the other severed half of the tube. His body starts to bulge.]

Nixon: Alright, listen up, nitwits. Who here is tired of illegal space aliens taking our good Earth jobs? [The crowd cheers.] Me too! So if I'm re-elected, I promise to big a really big Dyson fence across the Southern border of our solar system. [The crowd cheers.] And furthermore, by golly, I promise to cut taxes for the rich and use the poor as a cheap source of teeth for aquarium gravel! Fry: Yeah, that'll show those poor! Leela: Why are you cheering, Fry? You're not rich! Fry: True. But someday I might be rich, and people like me better watch their step! Leela: [groans] Let's just find Bender.
 * [Bender is still filling himself with beer, to the point that his body is now circular. He explodes, causing the crowd to get wet, and leaving his body mangled.]

Bender: Ah...that hit the spot! Fry: I found Bender!
 * [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Professor Farnsworth is looking out the window. Hermes, Zoidberg and Fry are sitting on the couch and watching television. Amy and Leela are sitting at a table. The sound of Hypnotoad is heard. Bender enters through the door.]

Bender: Good news, everyone! Farnsworth: Wha? Bender: I've repaired myself with these convenient "Re-Elect Nixon" ass stickers! [The camera zooms out, revealing Bender's posterior is covered in stickers reading "RE-ELECT NIXON".] Go Nixon! Leela: Bender, you can't even vote. You're a convicted felon! Bender: Convicted, sentenced and executed! But Nixon passes a law that says ex-cons can vote again...as long as they vote for Nixon. Leela: But Nixon's the worst president in history. And alternate history! The rest of you aren't voting for him, are you? Fry: Sure, we are! Zoidberg: Why not? Farnsworth: Of course! Amy: Spluh! Zoidberg: He may not be perfect, but do we really want some unknown new guy? I'll stick with the evil maniac I know, thank you. Leela: Well, I think we can do better. This year, I'm going to get involved in the political process and make my voice heard. Farnsworth: What?
 * [Scene: Outside a building in New New York. A banner reading "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN VOTERS PRESENTS DEBATE 3012" is hung up.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the building. Seven people are standing on a stage with their own respective podiums. Morbo is seated on a desk. Old Freebie, the Earthican flag, hangs on a wall.]

Morbo: Welcome to debate 3012, the 3,012th debate of the 3012 election year. [He holds up a pair of glasses.] We have a crowded field of candidates, so I will dispense with the informal terrorising and begin the questions.
 * [He puts on the glasses and holds up a card.]
 * [Cut to: An audience. Leela is sitting amongst them. She leans toward the man sitting next to her.]

Leela: Is this the political process? 'Cause I'm here to get involved in it. Morbo: Silence! [He sits down and starts reading from a card.] Question one. Will you pledge today to somehow reduce taxes while simultaneously lowering the deficit. Candidate 1: Hey, that's a good idea! Sure.
 * [The camera pans over to each of the candidates.]

Candidate 2: If it'll win me the election, then yes. Candidate 3: We have a saying up in Alaska. [She pauses.] That's all.
 * [The camera pans over to the fourth candidate, who is silent and thinking.]

Morbo: Senator Travers? Senator Travers: Look, let's be honest here. No one likes taxes. But they pay for our basic needs. Roads, schools, defence. If we hope to realise our aspirations as a great planet, we must each pay our fair share to achieve those noble goals.
 * [Cut to: The audience. They all lean forward and boo, except for Leela, who stands up and claps slowly. They quiet down, leaving Leela left standing and clapping alone. She makes an angry face and sits down, crossing her arms.]

Morbo: Thank you, Senator. A thoughtful and lucid answer. [angrily] You will be destroyed! [calmly] Question two: The environment. Yes or no? Candidate 1: No. It's junk science. Candidate 2: Two words: Condor attack. Don't want that. Got to say no. Senator Travers: Now, just a minute. These are important issues. We can't just reduce them to sound bites! According to reputable scientists– [The crowd boos.] Candidate 5: Enviro-mite! [The crowd appaluds.]
 * [Scene: Outside a building which has a giant hot dog on it, at night. A sign reading "TRAVERS FOR PRESIDENT HEADQUARTERS: FORMERLY "ONE HOUR HOT DOG"" is hung up. Two posters reading "VOTE TRAVERS FOR PRESIDENT" are posted on the building's windows. Leela walks in.]
 * [Cut to: Inside Travers' presidential headquarters. It is completely dark. A sign reading "TRAVERS FOR A LESS BAD TOMORROW" is posted up.]

Leela: Hello? I'd like to volunteer. Is anyone lurking?
 * [A man in the building starts striking posters of Senator Travers with a hammer.]

Leela: Hey, stop that. [She turns on the lights, revealing that the man with the hammer is actually Senator Travers.] Senator Travers? That's no way to win an election. Senator Travers: I give up. No one cares about my message. I never should have used the same P.R. guy as One Hour Hot Dog! Travers' P.R. guy: [Talking slowly, while slowly roasting a hot dog over a grill.] People will wait for something good. Leela: No, don't quit. You have great ideas. You just need to get them out there with social media. Look, I posted your debate video on Facebag. [She shows him a video of his debate on her Wristlojackimator.] Senator Travers: 10,000 views? That's more than most water-skiing squirrels get. You really think I have a chance?