Transcript:T.: The Terrestrial

Coming this fall. Some cops can read minds. Did you do it or not? I'm not a mind reader. Some cops can see the past. I could solve this crime if only I had personally watched it happen. And some cops get help from angels. Come on, Gabriel, you must have seen something! Nah, man, I ain't seen nothing for no cop. But there's still one cop with no special abilities whatsoever. Ah, there's only one way to know who committed this crime. I'll just have to find out. Detective Klaus Mandela is _ This truly is the golden age of television. Hey, Papa, want to help me earn a merit badge? Hmm? Sorry, son. Right now, NBC needs my love more than you do. Lrrr! Either help the boy, or go outside and degauss the lawn! Oh, very well. Merit badges. Ah, this brings me back. Oh, Bone Whittling. I used to love that. Patricide. Well, let's work up to that one. How about Skull Arranging? That is for Grrrl Scouts! Men bring the skulls home, women arrange them. I'm gonna help you earn a manly badge. Planetary Invasion! Ah. But that's really hard. Hard shmard. I'll let you invade the easiest planet in the whole galaxy. Good news, everyone! I'm in terrible pain. - How is that good news? - It's not. I've run out of Good News brand herbal supplement. If you don't get me more Good News, everyone, my arthritis will make me seize up like a dried monkey carcass. I've seen those. In the Great Monkey Desert. We interrupt your TV being off for this special bulletin. An alien saucer has been detected en route to Earth. We now go live to the White House lawn, where such things usually land. Go on. Ring the bell and invade them. Yes? Um, hi? I-I'm Jrrr, of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Uh, what's that? Speak up, son. Don't look at me. You're invading him. I just wanted to know-- well, I'm here to invade your planet? Oh, what a cute little Uh-oh. Brannigan! Get out here and surrender before I get my expletives deleted! And Earth is yours. So, sire, how may I please you? Go ahead. His bowels aren't gonna disem themselves. Can't we just go? Mm-mm. Not until you blow something up. Aw, man. Uh uh Just pick something and blow it up so I can get home in time for The Finder-Outer. Oh What the? All right, good enough. Let's go. He killed my second-to-last Agnew. Rosemary! Sweep the booze bottles off my desk! I'm addressing the planet. First, brush your teeth! Yeah, yeah. My fellow Earthicans, a great American monster has been silenced. Clone of Agnew is gone, killed in his clomping shoes by ruthless Omicronians. But we're gonna get even, by golly. Aw, crap, he's on every channel! Effective immediately, I'm calling for a planetary embargo against Omicron Persei 8. Where's my Hot in Cleveland? All trade with the Omicronians stops today. And that includes cultural exports. Cultural? I'm talking about TV! Nixon out! Arroooo! No! oooo! Well, I never liked going to Omicron Persei 8 anyway. If we want to breathe sulfuric acid and get our heads torn off by giant lizards, we can always go to Gary, Indiana. Even I would never send you to Gary, Indiana. But I am sending you to Omicron Persei 8. Oh, my gosh, are you kidding?! You see, the active ingredient in my Good News herbal supplement grows only on Omicron Persei 8. And due to the embargo, the only place to get it is straight from the source. The deadly, deadly source. I will not endanger this crew for some quack remedy. Ha! The Sacred Weed of Omicron is a serious herb. Sacred Weed you say? Sweet toke of Ocracoke, this stuff's the Omichronic! To the ship! We can't get through. The planet's blockaded. That won't stop us. Activate cloaking device. There's no such thing. Then engage deflector shields. That's from TV, Geordi. Well, what sort of stealth technology do we have? A can of paint. Sir, there's an Omicronian ship requesting safe passage home. Home, eh? That's where I live. Let them through the blockade. Okay, buddy up and look out for Omicronians. It's up to everyone to get their partner back alive. Fry, you go with Bender. Amy, with Leela. And I'll go with Screwed again, my friend. Hey, Bender, you better check your ass. I think it's leaking enchantment. That's not enchantment, it's the herbs! Bender's electric field is activating their bioluminescence. Whoa! We'll need scientific samples. Everyone, start filling these dime bags. Whoa, a palace! Parapets, battlements, everything my Big Book of Castles promised. I'm gonna sneak a closer look. Bender, you'll let me know if we have to cheese it, right? First Law of Robotics, baby. Five-O, five-O! Five what? Five Omicronians! Everyone, grab your buddy and get back to the ship! Coming through! Is everyone on board? I got my buddy. Hermes is my buddy. Bender, where's Fry? I saw him in the, uh, kitchen. With Dinah. You know, the dyno-matic food-service robot. Let's go already! I smell the stink of Earth humans. Fan out! They got away, Your Scaliness. We must have just missed them. The ground is still warm. I want my Earth shows! These local programs are completely unwatchable. Hey, Pops, want to play skull ball? I'm watching something here. Hello? Ow! Uh, y-you can come out. Don't be s-scared. Mmm. You're an alien? Do you speak English? English? You must be a terrestrial from that Earth ship they were hunting. Don't worry, I won't hurt you. Hey, thanks. You want some candy? Ew. You were eating my turds? Feces pieces? Blech! You must be hungry. Really hungry. Come inside, I'll feed you. Okay, but I'm kind of picky. I'm gonna call you "T. " For terrestrial? No, "turd-eater. " But I have to hide you from my dad. He's really mad at humans 'cause he can't watch television. Your dad must be Lrrr! "Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. " He's a terrible father. Bender, do you know where Fry is? I haven't seen him since we got back from Omicron Persei 8. Fry? Uh, you just missed him. He went out to buy you flowers. Whatever kind you like best. 'Cause he loves you and crap. Aw, that's so sweet. Thanks, Bender. Dude! That herb you scored cleared up my arthritis and my glaucoma. Have you seen Fry? Fry? Uh, he, uh, went to get you a burrito at the gas station. Awesome. You got to love a dude that brings the munchie. Fry is one guy I'd definitely never abandon. This is my fleam. You use it to peel the skin off your enemies layer by layer till they die or whatever. Neat! Hey, you know who would love fleaming stuff? My friend Bender, who I'll never see again. Aw, you're homesick, aren't you, T. ? Mmm-hm. I miss Earth, and I'm still hungry. Do you have any more of that candy? No, but I have a toy Earth. Home. I didn't abandon you! You wandered off! Stop judging me, Fry-bed! Oh, it's just not the same without the muffled screams. If only I could hear your voice again. Hello, it's me, Fry! I'm not here right now, 'cause we're out getting drunk at the Olive Garden. So just leave a message for myself or Bender after the tone. See you! Fry? Are you home? We're supposed to have a date at the adults-only pancake house. Of course he's here and not on another planet! Ooh. In fact, he's about to talk to you right now. Oh, good. Hello, it's me, Fry. I'm drunk right now. So just leave. Okay I love you. Olive you. And finally, our new employee of the month is Fry. He's really been putting his nose to the grindstone, according to Bender's constant updates. He's been working so hard, we barely even see him. It's strange, that. There's nothing strange about it. He's just out of sight around this corner, exterminating mice. Mice Mice Myself Elf - Elf. - Oops. Elves are back. T. text home? Sorry, boy. 'Cause of the embargo, our planets aren't allowed to communicate. Update Facebook status home? Look, my scout manual has a section on emergency communication. Maybe we can rig something up. Would you like that, boy? Huh? Would you, boy? Watch out! Whoa! Sorry. This planet has a moon problem. So what makes this thing fly? It's powered by love. Aww. Okay, stop loving me so much so we can land. No problem. Okay, this tech dump has every kind of high-tech communications device. Using all of them, I'm sure I can get a message home. There. Finished. Oh, God, I can't believe I abandoned Fry. I'll never forget the feel of his soft skin against my flailing fists. Oh, wait, there's still some beer left. Huh? "S. O. S. "? Those are the letters that Fry knows! He's alive! Yeah? Jrrr, how do I watch a funny on the YouTube? It's my dad. Quick, hide! What's going on in here? Uh, nothing. I was just playing foosball. By myself. I thought I told you to kill those foos. Hmm, let's just have a look in the toy closet, shall we? Skull, skull, skull, skull, skull wait. Why haven't you fleamed this skull? Hi, Mr. Lrrr. Hey, you're one of those Earth spies from that Earth ship, aren't you? Are you going to kill me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jrrr is. Three two one. Hang on Fry, I'm a-comin' to save you! You are my here o. Shut up, Fry, I know it. It's a nice day. We'll take him out to the yard, and after you shoot him, we'll play catch with his bladder. But I can't. He's my pet. You shot your hamster. I told you, that was suicide. He looks kind of sick. What have you been feeding him? Uh, some stuff I made. Whatever. It's time I made a man out of you. Right here, today, while I'm not missing anything good on TV. Now get in there and shoot your beloved pet! I guess this is good-bye. It's okay, Jrrr. The week I spent hiding in your closet, eating your turds, was the best week of my life. Aah! Run, boy! Run! He's escaping on a bicycle powered by love. Which is an ordinary thing on this planet. They're getting away. Love harder! We can't, sir. The men have been hurt too often. We did it! We're home free! Yes, but I'm dying. Not 'cause of the turds. Can I have a turd? Just rest. I'm gonna get you to a vet. _ I am Drrr, doctor of the planet Omicron Persei 8. It appears you may have ingested something toxic. Open your mouth and say "ahhhh!" - Ahhhh. - Good God! Here, take some of this herb to ease the pain. Can you save him? I could, but he'd only live another 80 years at most. The humane thing is to put him to sleep. Oh! Stop! I won't let you do it! Dad? Because you have to do it. Be a man for once and fleam this wretched creature. I won't. I'm not exactly like you, okay? I don't want to conquer planets or kill things, or wear a lame cape. It's not lame, it's lamé. And this thing lying on the bed? He may be a weird skin ball full of love and some kind of red juice-- which is delicious, by the way; I've been drinking it every day-- but we're friends. And I will not kill him. You know, standing up to me is pretty manly. I'll tell you what, sport. I'll kill him for you. Good news! Nobody has to kill him after all. Because he already died! T. ! Son I didn't mean it about the cape. Capes are cool! He's alive. At least his butt is. Fry? Bender. I knew you wouldn't abandon me for much more than a week. What's happening? Why is his butt glowing? The electromagnetic intensity of the robot's friendship is causing the herbs in his bowels to bioluminesce with love. Probably. That's right, ugly. I'm here to take my friend home. Whoa, is that a fleam? But, T., can't you stay with me? We could grow up together. No. I need to grow up on my own planet. I must bid you farewell, my special friend. What the hell's been going on around here? Ah, Fry! You've been working so hard, we haven't seen you in days. Wait, what? No, I was stuck on Ow! Stuck on another delivery that he undertook on his own. We're all very lucky and not suspicious to have him. Hey, Fry, things sure have been going great between us. Remember that make out session in that dark closet? You were like a machine. But I Olive you. It's me, Fry! It sure is.