Transcript:Yo Leela Leela


 * [Note: UNKNOWN represents a word or set of words not identified by the transcriber.]
 * [Opening Credits. Caption: PENETRATES EVEN THE THICKEST FOIL HAT]
 * [Scene: Outside Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium, day. The ground is perforated from the inside by a large drill with a hovercab attached to it. The door of the hovercab is opened by Leela. Leela comes out and closes the door. The hovercab perforates the ground again, leaving. Leela walks up to the door of the Orphanarium.]
 * [Cut to: Inside a room. We see a glass, three windows, an empty shelf, three pipes, a lamp, a painting surface, and eight orphans, including Nina, Sam, and Albert, who are playing. The camera pans over to the door, revealing an empty shelf that is smaller than the first one.]

Albert: I got one!
 * [The door is opened by Warden Vogel. Warden Vogel enters with a sign reading PUBLIC DOMAIN STORY TIME in his right hand.]

Warden Vogel: Okay, kids. Put away the dust motes 'til tomorrow. [Warden Vogel puts the sign on the painting surface.] It's story time! [Twelve orphans, including Sally, gather and sit on the floor, sounding excited.] Today's storyteller is a space captain who grew up right here at the Orphanarium. Welcome back the bedwetter of building D, Turanga Leela!
 * [Warden Vogel points at the door with his left hand. The door is opened by Leela. Leela enters. The orphans applaud.]

Leela: Hi, kids! [Leela waves.] What book would you like me to read first? Albert: We don't got books no more.
 * [Albert stands up and points at the first empty shelf.]

Leela: [confused] What? Warden Vogel: He means any more. Look, sometimes you gotta choose between eatin' and reading. [angry] So they ate the books. Just... Make somethin' up! Leela: Make something up? Um... Okay. [Leela sits on a small chair.] Once upon a time, there was a... A...
 * [Sally raises her hand.]

Sally: Princess?
 * [Leela points at Sally.]

Leela: Yes! That! [The orphans sound excited.] A... One-eyed princess in a long, flowing... Tank top. And she lived in a magical, one-room...
 * [Sally raises her hand.]

Sally: Castle? Leela: Yeah. If you believe the listing agent. Anyhow, one day, the princess went off to... Uh... Tell a story! And, then, that's exactly what she did do that. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
 * [Albert raises his hand.]

Albert: Miss Leela? I have a question! Leela: Yes, Albert? Albert: That story was bad.
 * [Leela turns her head from side to side.]

Leela: That's not really a question.
 * [Albert turns his head from side to side.]

Albert: That wasn't really a story.
 * [Leela stands up, lifting up the small chair.]

Leela: [sad] I'm sorry, kids. I'm not a natural storyteller. [The small chair falls off.] [with conviction] But I promise: I'll make up a better story and come back again.
 * [Sally turns her head from side to side.]

Sally: [sad] Please don't... Leela: See you soon!
 * [Leela waves and leaves.]
 * [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. A green hoverlorry and a pink hovercar pass by.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the Planet Express conference room. Leela is sitting at the conference table. A writing pad and a can of Diet Slurm are in front of her.]

Leela: I'm sure I've got a great kids' story in me. I just need to think of three of some kind of animal. Concentrate, Leela! Concentrate! [Leela is annoyed by the trombone that Fry is playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" with.] [over the noise, screaming] Fry, I'm writing here! Do you have to play that?
 * [Fry stops playing.]

Fry: [innocently] Yes. [sad] It's the only song I know.
 * [Fry shrugs. Zoidberg enters with each foot in an open can.]

Zoidberg: Look, friends! I accidentally learned to tap-dance!
 * [Zoidberg begins tap-dancing. Fry resumes playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" with his trombone.]

Leela: [over the noise, screaming] Zoidberg, I'm trying to&mdash;
 * [Leela is interrupted by a beeping sound. A clock on the wall reads 04:21. The camera zooms out, revealing Hermes.]

Hermes: Time for my four-twenty-one daiquiri!
 * [Hermes pours liquid from a bottle labelled RUM into a grinder that he has opened, closes the grinder, presses a button on the grinder, and the grinder starts. The camera pans over to Bender. Bender has just entered.]

Bender: Guys! Guys! Guess who just got commissioned as a tugboat!
 * [Bender blows a whistle twice as his head pops open, letting a puff of steam out. The camera pans over to Amy. Amy has just entered and is holding a hovering pachinko machine.]

Amy: Oh, yeah! Pachinko break!
 * [Amy begins playing.]

Pachinko machine: [in a Japanese accent] Tokyo crazy balls! Yes!
 * [Leela rests her head. Professor Farnsworth walks up to her.]

Professor Farnsworth: Ooh, good, Leela. You're here. [Leela looks at Professor Farnsworth.] I'd like to describe my foot pain. [Professor Farnsworth sits down and puts his left foot on the table.] My left has a sharp jabbing throb near the bunion, while the other's got a searing pain like gout. [Leela looks repulsed and covers her ears.] Maybe it's too much albumin because of gravity...
 * [Leela uncovers her ears, grunts, looks up, and raises her arms.]

Leela: Even if I had a pen, I couldn't write under these conditions. [Leela grabs her writing pad and stands up.] I'm going to some other planet, where I can concentrate.
 * [Leela leaves.]

Professor Farnsworth: [continued] Searing, searing pain that feels as if it were in a vice.
 * [Amy, Fry, Hermes, Zoidberg, Bender, and Professor Farnsworth continue their activities, but are attacked by wind. The wind is caused by the leaving Planet Express ship.]

Bender: [offended] Well, that was rude.
 * [Bender blows the whistle once as his head pops open, letting a puff of steam out.]
 * [Scene: Outside Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium.]
 * [Cut to: Inside an office. The walls display a bulletin board and a frame above which there seems to be a note. A potted plant and a clock are on top of a filing cabinet with four drawers. Warden Vogel is sitting at a desk, on which there is a computer and a lamp, looking at the computer. A trash bin is between the filing cabinet and the desk. Leela enters with a folded piece of cardboard in her hands.]

Leela: Warden Vogel, I have a new story for the children. [Warden Vogel looks up at Leela.] I'm sure they'll like it more than my last one. Warden Vogel: They liked hunger cramps more than your last one. Anyhow, you'll have to wait. The kids are busy right now. Leela: Oh. Is the organ-harvesting clown here? Warden Vogel: Nah. Rusty comes on Tuesdays now. Today, it's the owner of the Tickelodeon Kids Network.
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. A device with rabbit ears and eyes is wired to a television set, which is on top of a third shelf with four wheels sustaining a mask and a suit. Behind it is the second shelf. Abner Doubledeal is standing up, resting his left hand on the television set, which is to his left. Seven children, including Albert and Nina, can be seen in front of him, sitting on the floor.]

Abner Doubledeal: Okay, kids. [Abner Doubledeal points at the children with his right hand.] Get ready to be subjected to our new Fall shows! Mr. Funny Bunny here will gauge your reaction by bombarding your brains with harmless snuggle rays.
 * [Abner Doubledeal puts on the mask and the suit and turns a dial on the device's back, producing noise and light. The children stare.]

Albert: He gives me a nice, warm feeling in my eyeballs!
 * [The television is turned on and zooms in and out on a building with a bell and a sign reading ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.]
 * [Cut to: The elementary school. Shots of a little boy and a little girl swing-riding, the bell, a little girl floor-sliding, and a turning hopscotch court are shown. The title card POPULAR SLUT CLUB appears on the screen.]

Male voice #1: Popular Slut Club.
 * [A hovercar resembling both a limousine and a cab with SCHOOL LIMO painted on its door arrives at the elementary school. A STOP sign is turned to the road. The door is opened and two little girls come out.]

Little girl #1: Oh, my God! ''[The second little girl takes off her glasses. The first little girl points to something in front of them.]'' There's Jake Thinkleburg! [The first little girl folds her hands.] He's so hot! [sad] I wish he wasn't my brother.
 * [The title card POPULAR SLUT CLUB appears on the screen again.]

Male voice #1: Popular Slut Club.
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. Eleven children can be seen now. They look hypnotised. Abner Doubledeal is holding a pad labelled FUN-O-GRAPH with a changing graph on it and presses the remote.]
 * [Cut to: Street. A car is parked in front of a drive-through menu. A flaming hamburger is flying around the menu.]

Male voice #2: Look! Up on the drive-through menu! It's Captain Mega Meat and his young ward Bottomless Boy!
 * [The hamburger, which has a face, limbs, and a cape, lands on the menu. A soda cup, which, too, has a face, limbs, and a cape, lands to its left. The title card CAPTAIN MEGA MEAT AND BOTTOMLESS BOY appears on the screen.]

Bottomless Boy: Hurry, Captain! [Bottomless Boy points at something in front of them.] A skinny kid needs our help! Captain Mega Meat: Supersize me!
 * [Captain Mega Meat is hit by lightning and is enlarged. The same happens to Bottomless Boy. Bottomless Boy burps.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. Abner Doubledeal presses the remote again.]
 * [Cut to: Inside an arena. The crowd is cheering. A brown-haired toddler and a blond toddler approach a crib serving as a ring. The shirt of one of the men in the crowd reads MOON.]

Male voice #3: From the "Rowdy" Roddy Piper day-care centre in Glasgow, Scotland, it's Extreme Toddler Wrestling!
 * [The title card EXTREME TODDLER WRESTLING appears on the screen. Each toddler is put in the crib by an adult. The brown-haired toddler punches the blond toddler in the nose, picks up a folding high-chair, and uses it to repeatedly slam him, making him fall, and hit him on the buttocks. The television is turned off.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. The painting surface and a stool are there. Twelve children, including Sally and Sam, can be seen this time. Warden Vogel is now present as well. Abner Doubledeal takes off the mask and the suit and puts them back on the shelf as the orphans applaud.]

Abner Doubledeal: Thanks for the brain scans, kids. [Abner Doubledeal steers the shelf as he leaves.] Don't have any children for the next couple of days.
 * [Warden Vogel walks up to the orphans.]

Warden Vogel: Alright, boys and girls. Enough fun! Your old friend Leela is back with a brand-new story!
 * [Warden Vogel points to the door with his left hand. The camera pans over to the door as it is opened by Leela. Leela enters with the folded piece of cardboard, three small creatures in cardboard, and a mini-piano in her hands. The first creature is red, the second is blue, and the third is purple.]

Leela: Hi! It's great to be back. [Leela proceeds to her right.] I think you'll enjoy this one.
 * [The orphans sound sad.]

Sally: Please! [Sally raises her right hand.] Can't we just get our organs harvested? Leela: It's about some cute, little creatures from a land called Rumbledy-Hump. [Leela puts the mini-piano and the creatures in cardboard on the small shelf, unfolds the piece of cardboard, puts the piece of cardboard on the painting surface, revealing it to depict a landscape with two trees, and sits on the stool.] Kids, let's meet the Humplings! ''[Leela presses a button on the mini-piano and grabs the creatures in cardboard. The piano starts playing. Two other creatures can be seen. The first creature is orange and the second is both pink and yellow. Leela holds up the red creature.]'' [in a different tone, singing] My name is Lady Buggle and I huggle all my friends. [Leela sticks the red creature to the piece of cardboard and holds up the blue creature.] [in a different tone] I'm a silly spring named Doingg and my bouncing never ends. [Leela makes the blue creature jump three times.] Doingg. Doingg. Doingg. [Leela sticks the blue creature to the piece of cardboard and makes the pink and yellow creature jump three times.] [in a different tone] They call me Princess Num Num. I'm as sweet as sticky buns. [Leela sticks the pink and yellow creature to the piece of cardboard, holds up the purple creature, and makes it jump three times.] [in a different tone] I'm Feffernoose. [Leela removes the red creature from the piece of cardboard and holds it up.] [in her own tone] Hello. [Leela makes the purple creature jump five times.] [in a different tone] I'm scared of everyones. [in her own tone] Oh, Feffernoose. [Leela sticks the purple creature and the red creature to the piece of cardboard and puts her right hand in front of her mouth, holding the orange creature with her left hand.] [in a different tone, indistinctively] What about me? [Leela removes the red creature from the piece of cardboard and holds it up.] [in her own tone, distinctively] Hey, it's Garbly. Everyone loves him 'cause they can't understand him. [in a different tone, indistinctively] It's nice to meet you. [in her own tone, distinctively] We're here to make you laugh and think and smile and learn and sing. And laugh and learn and smile and think and other happy things.
 * [The piano stops playing. The orphans look at Leela in doubt. Leela looks at them in the same way. The orphans start cheering. Leela is surprised. Albert stands up and walks up to Leela.]

Albert: Say more things like that!
 * [The other orphans stand up and walk up to Leela.]

Leela: Okey-doke. One sunny, funny day, there was an unfamiliar visitor in Rumbledy-Hump.
 * [Time lapse. The orphans are sitting on the floor.]

Leela: [in a different tone, off camera] Today we learned that folks are not as different as they seem. [Leela is holding up the pink and yellow creature and holds up a gorilla wearing a backpack that is connected to his mouth by a pipe and holding a flower with his left hand.] [in her own tone] The space gorilla's just like us. [in a different tone] Although I breathe chlorine.
 * [The piano stops playing. The orphans start cheering. Leela crosses her arms and starts smiling.]

Sally: Wow! I can't believe you imaginated all that stuff!
 * [Sally raises her right hand.]

Nina: Will you come back again and tell us more stories and also adopt us all? Leela: Of course I'll tell you more stories. [Leela stands up.] I'll go think some up right now.
 * [The orphans and Warden Vogel look at Leela in contentment as she leaves. Behind the glass are Abner Doubledeal and Mr. Funny Bunny. Abner Doubledeal lifts up his mask and looks at his pad. The pad is beeping and showing a graph.]

Abner Doubledeal: Holy moly! ''[Abner Doubledeal throws his mask away. Leela enters.]'' Lady, you don't know me, but my name is Abner Doubledeal.
 * [Abner Doubledeal points at himself.]

Leela: Wait! I know you! You're Abner Doubledeal!
 * [Leela points at Abner Doubledeal.]

Abner Doubledeal: I brain-scanned those little nose-pickers during your story. And, sister, their enjoyment glands were squirtin' like Broadway roadkill!
 * [Abner Doubledeal holds up his pad and points at it.]

Leela: [touched] Aw. [Leela folds her hands.] They were?! Abner Doubledeal: Say, you seem like a smart mark. [Abner Doubledeal points at Leela.] How'd you like to make it into a TV show? Sign here, 'round this... Uh... [Abner Doubledeal grabs a piece of paper from his jacket.] Supercuts coupon.
 * [Abner Doubledeal hands Leela the piece of paper.]

Leela: [sad] I dunno. [Leela shrugs.] Don't I need a degree to write gibberish for toddlers?
 * [Sally, Nina, and Albert walk up to Leela.]

Nina: Come on, Miss Leela! ''[Leela looks at Nina. Nina points at Leela with her left hand.]'' Don't be a fraidy cat like Feffernoose!
 * [Leela shrugs.]

Leela: Okay. I'll do it! [Leela raises her right hand.] To show you kids you can succeed at anything. [Abner Doubledeal is holding a pen.] If you just luck out hard enough.
 * [Leela grabs the pen and writes a Z on the piece of paper. Abner Doubledeal puts the piece of paper back in his jacket.]

Abner Doubledeal: [excited] Welcome to the glamourous, big-money world of basic cable TV! [Abner Doubledeal shakes Leela's hand.] [sad] I'm gonna need that pen back.
 * [Leela looks poorly impressed.]
 * [Scene.]
 * [Cut to.]

Hermes: Working on a real TV show is so exciting! I'm on a mostly natural high! Amy: These costumes are gonna make it hard to go to the bathroom. Fry: I'm not havin' any problem. Abner Doubledeal: We're shooting in five minutes and this Leela broad hasn't even delivered a script yet! Sweet Zombie Jesus! Like it's not hard enough to make a freakin' TV show for under fifty bucks! Damn it, I'll call you back, grandma. Nice of you to show up, toots. I mean that sincerely. It's just that I'm in show biz. Leela: Sorry. I went to my quiet place to write. Here's the script. Abner Doubledeal: Argh! You writers make me sick. Nice job on the script, though. Places, everyone. Okay. Cheap lights. Off-brand camera. And non-union action! Fry: [dressed as Doh-ing] I like ice cream. And I like lollipops. And I like you, Princess Num Num. Amy: [dressed as Princess Num Num] Ew! I'm all licky-sticky! Fry: [dressed as Doingg] I don't understand. When I like something, I lick it. Like this raccoon. Leela: [dressed as Lady Buggle] Doingg! Don't lick things that don't wanna be licked. Fry: [dressed as Doing] But how do I know what to lick and what not to lick? Leela: [dressed as Lady Buggle] It's very simple. [singing] If it's alive, don't lick it. Zoidberg: [dressed as Feffernoose, singing] Like a horse, a turtle, or a cricket. Bender: [dressed as Garbly, indistinctively] I like turtles. Leela: [dressed as Lady Buggle, singing] So, if you're not sure if it's alive or dead, poke it with a stick and lick the stick instead. Fry: [dressed as Doingg] Now I get it! Zoidberg: [dressed as Feffernoose] Ow! Leela: [dressed as Lady Buggle] Well, that's all for today. But, before we go, let's do everything we just did two more times.
 * [Cut to.]

Bender: Leela, that was great! Even I have to admire the performance of me, Bender! Amy: The show looks so cute. Kids'll love it! And it looks so cruddy, their ironic hipster parents will love it. Leela: Thanks, guys. But let's be realistic. We all know any TV show that's even slightly good gets cancelled. Sometimes, two or three times. Abner Doubledeal: Leela! Tomorrow's ratings just came in from the future. We're a hit! Leela: What?! My show is a hit?! Abner Doubledeal: What are you, deaf? It's gonna be bigger than SpongeBot SquareBolts! SpongeBot SquareBolts: I interfere with pacemakers! Abner Doubledeal: Baby, I hope you like drowning in caviar. 'Cause that is how you're gonna die!
 * [Montage.]
 * [Scene.]

Calculon: Welcome back to the Young People's Choice Awards. In a moment, the award for Outstanding Sext Message. Bur, first, the nominees for Best New Kids' Show are... Yo Gimme Gimme!, The Adventures of Pit-Bull and Scaredy Squirrel, Dora the Destroyer, and Rumbledy-Hump. Fry: I hope you win, Leela. Leela: Thanks, Fry. It's nice to have the support of viewers like you. Fry: I'm the star of the show. Leela: Shh! Calculon: And the Slurmie for Best New Kids' Show goes to... Turanga Leela for Rumbledy-Hump! Female voice: This is Turanga Leela's first nomination and second time in high heels. Leela: Wow. I feel so lucky just to have been nominated alongside so many inferior shows. And, to all my young friends at the Orphanarium, thank you for inspiring me to be your hero. Calculon: Slurm her!
 * [Scene.]

Bender: So wait. You play a high-school student who's also secretly a rock star who's also secretly a massage chair? Fembot: No. I play a high-school student who's also secretly a rock star, but, in real life, I'm a massage chair. Bender: Hmmm. You ever made out with a tugboat? Leela: Guys, I didn't have time to mention it up there, but I want each of you to know what an honour it is to work with me. Hermes: Sweet ego of Montego! Someone build a wind farm in front of her mouth. Abner Doubledeal: Leela, I mean this. You're the greatest creative mind since blah, blah, blah-bity, blah. But it's two AM and you still haven't written tomorrow's episode. Leela: Well, you can't expect me to write it here, with everyone talking so loudly about how great I am. Abner Doubledeal: Sorry. Leela: I'm taking the ship to my quiet place so I can be alone. You non-creatives can catch a bus home. Fry: Non-creative? Ha! I'll have you know I bedazzle my own underpants.
 * [Scene.]
 * [Cut to.]

Bender: That was a helluva massage. Maybe the best there ever was. Say, where are we? Rumbledy-Hump?! It's real!  Doingg: I love eating vegetables. Don't you? They're like crunchy, green water. Garbly: [indistinctively] I don't like 'em. They're icky-yucky! Lady Buggle: Now, now, Garbly. If we don't eat our vegetables, we won't grow big and strong... Like Feffernoose. Feffernoose: I have to be big and strong to fight off the monsters. Garbly: Did somebody say monsters?! Leela: This will make a great episode. But talk slower. I can't type that fast. Bender: Well, well, well. You didn't make up that TV show! You just wrote down what these space twerps said! Leela: Oh, hell. Princess Num Num: Leela said a Rumbledy-Hump no-no! Humplings: [singing] Sometimes, when we're mad, we say words that are bad.
 * [Scene.]
 * [Cut to.]

Humplings: [singing] And poo-poo and pee-pee and penis and gay. Those are the ninety-eight words we don't say. Bender: My God. You stole all your ideas from those poor, innocent creatures and hogged all the credit?! I underestimated you. Leela: Wait! I can explain. Bender: Nah, don't ruin it. I'm lovin' the hypocrisy. It's like catchin' an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever. Leela: You know I hate lying. But those orphans were so proud of me, I couldn't bare to let them down. Bender: Pfff! At least Reverend Pickens had the dignity to jump out the whorehouse window with his pants around his ankles. Princess Num Num: Who's your friend, Leela? He sure has a shiny metal bumbledy-boop. Bender: Aw, they're so cute and harmless. No wonder you feel safe rippin' off their act. Leela: Bender! I feel bad enough already. Bender: I'm just messin' with ya. I love that you're gettin' rich off of them. 'Cause, now, I can get rich off of you! Leela: Oh, Lord. Bender: From now on, you give me half the gross or I'll blow your cover. Leela: Fine. You'll get your cut. I don't really care about the money, anyway. I just wanna show those poor, disadvantaged orphans that they can succeed in life. Bender: Ugh. You are the worst kind of rich person.
 * [Scene.]
 * [Cut to.]

Leela: [dressed as Lady Buggle, singing] Be it parsnips or peppers or kale or zucchini. Fry: [dressed as Doingg, singing] I like to relax with a spinach martini. Bender: [dressed as Garbly, singing] UNKNOWN Houdini. All: [dressed as Humplings, singing] 'Cause we love our vegetables. Abner Doubledeal: And... Cut! That's a wrap, everybody. Ten-minute break, then we shoot season three. Fry: Leela, you may have become a Lady Gaga-esque fame hag, but you sure cheered up those orphans. Nice job. Warden Vogel: Thanks so much for inviting us to the taping. The kids haven't been this excited since food day! Leela: Aw, thanks. They're my inspiration. Bender: But not your only inspiration. Am I right, Leels? Albert: Is somebody standing on me? Bender: I do love inconveniencing the underclass. Warden Vogel: Well, we'll be on our way. After we dig through your trash for aluminum. Okay, kids. Delta pattern. Go! Go! Go! Sally: Miss Leela? Leela: Yes, Sally? Sally: I wanna show you the story I made up. That's Gum Drop, Sticky, Candy Corn, Sour Ball, and Jujube. They're brothers and sisters and they live in Butterscotch Hollow. Leela: Sally, that's wonderful. You came up with that yourself? Out of thin air? How? Sally: You were an orphan and now you're the best writer ever, so I knew I could write too. Thank you for being my hero. Leela: I can't do this any more. Professor Farnsworth: I don't blame you. Having to wear a costume made from a hollowed-out walrus... Leela: Everyone, I have a confession. I, Turanga Leela, winner of a Young People's Choice Award, a Peabody Jr, and two Training Emmys, am not what I appear to be. There's something I need to show you. Bender: Uh-oh.
 * [Scene.]
 * [Cut to.]

Leela: Continuing my confession, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Sally: Harder than creating the bestest show in the world? Leela: I didn't create anything. I stole it. Bender: Stealin' is a form of creativity! Leela: No, it isn't. Guys! Come on out! Abner Doubledeal: Holy moly again. Lady Buggle: Oh, hello, Leela. I was just telling my friends how they shouldn't eat food off the floor. Should we sing a song about it? Fry: Yes, please! Leela: No need, Lady Buggle. Abner Doubledeal: Say, what's goin' on here? Leela: This planet is the real Rumbledy-Hump. And these creatures are the real Humplings. All I did was write down their adorably repetitious hijinks. Sally: You lied? Like Doingg did when he stole Garbly's pet pinecone?  Doingg: You told them about that? Leela: I should've told the truth right away. These simply prairie folk have a simple prairie-ish life here. And I was wrong to exploit it for profit. Lady Buggle: I'm as sad as an upside-down smile. Leela: You mean a frown? Lady Buggle: We didn't have a word for it... Until now. Amy: To think I put on an unflattering cupcake costume for you! Fry: To think I borrowed money from you! Albert: I was gonna ask you to marry me. Sally: I guess, if you can't make up stories, I can't neither. Leela: I deserve this. And more. Keep it coming! Abner Doubledeal: Wait a second. As a big Hollywood TV producer, I think I know how to remedy this ethical lapse. Lady Buggle: [singing] So if you don't want a tapeworm or intestinal bug... Humplings: [singing] Don't eat pastrami that fell on the rug. Abner Doubledeal: And... Cut! Tata! We got us a reality show! No writers. No actors. No problem. Leela: Doubledeal, this is disgraceful! You can't just rip off their real lives and put it on TV! Abner Doubledeal: Wha? Who said anything about rippin' them off? Leela: I did! Abner Doubledeal: I'm payin' 'em. Gather 'round, gang. Here're your pay checks. Garbly: [indistinctively] I can finally afford my speech therapy! Feffernoose: And the health plan covers my generic Prozac! Lady Buggle: Electricity, plumbing... Our lives are a jillion times better. And it's all thanks to you, Leela. Leela: Don't thank me! I should be punished! I've corrupted you and taught the orphans a terrible lesson. Warden Vogel: What orphans?! The kids were all adopted! Leela: They were?! By who?! Abner Doubledeal: Come on, kids. Let's get this place cleaned up for the next episode. Albert, pick up that pastrami and put it back on the craft services table. Albert: You're the boss, Daddy. Leela: Oh, God! What have I done?! Nina: You've given us a new father and a full-time job! Which is more than most kids have! Leela: But&mdash; Sally: We love it here, Miss Leela. This is the funnest planet in the whole world! Leela: Don't hug me! I've done a horrible thing! For God's sakes, somebody teach me a lesson! Orphans and Humplings: [repeatedly] We love Leela! Leela: [extendedly] No!
 * [Closing Credits.]