Transcript:The Futurama Holiday Spectacular


 * [Opening credits.]
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express building, dressed in Yuletide cheer with lights that spell out "Merry Xmas".]

Transition Announcer: It's the Futurama Holiday Spectacular! Brought to you by...
 * [Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts logo appears on screen]

Transition Announcer: Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts!
 * [Scene: Interior of smelloscope room. A palm tree is decked in its Xmas best, Leela is putting the finishing touches on the room with Xmas lights, Fry is shaking the presents, and Zoidberg is looking out the window. Amy come in wearing a Santa hat with a plate of obvious product placement.]

Amy: Aw, the Xmas season. Who wants a delicious unshelled nut?
 * [Bender walks in dressed like a nutcracker and marching like a soldier.]

Bender: Ooh, I'll have one!
 * [Amy puts a nut in Bender's open mouth and Hermes lifts Bender's arm, which causes the nut to crack and Amy takes the inside and eats it.]

Amy: Mmm..."It's NUTSO Good!" Fry: Oh. Leela: What's wrong, Fry? Are you regretting another wasted year? Fry: I don't know. Somethin' about Xmas just doesn't feel like Christmas.
 * [An alarm blares as Professor Farnsworth walks in.]

Farnsworth: Santa's coming! Initiate defenses!
 * [The building shields itself and Bender, Hermes and Zoidberg block the chimney.]
 * [Scene: Exterior of building. The building continuously locks itself as Robot Santa flies around it in his sled.]

Robot Santa: God rest ye, merry gentlemen...in peace! [fires his missile]
 * [Scene: Back to the interior]

Fry: Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song?
 * [Robot Santa comes down the chimney and flies into the room.]

Robot Santa: [singing] It's the violentest season of the year.
 * [Two Neptunian elves pour eggnog into a bottle]

Elf: [singing] And Kringle brought his egg-dispensing mugs of Xmas fear.
 * [The bottle blows up]

Robot Santa: [singing] Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head When I cane you from the comfort of my sled.
 * [Santa candy canes Fry, who sees spinning ornaments a la the cartoon bird gag.]

Leela: [singing] On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel, Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel. Farnsworth: [singing] And if Grandma's Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass, It can be regifted straight to Santa's ass.
 * [Farnsworth throws the fruitcake which seemingly destroys Robot Santa and a gingerbread house, but in the next shot, he's still alive]

Robot Santa: [singing] But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial, The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile. The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous Is a pine tree; a pine tree that's coniferous. Planet Express Crew (except Amy): [singing] We have to have a pine tree as coniferous. Robot Santa: You're welcome.
 * [Robot Santa exits the room. Fry kicks Scruffy in an attempt to wake him up.]

Fry: You know, Santa may have killed Scruffy, but he makes a good point. What we need is an old-fashioned pine tree. Farnsworth: Cram it, Virginia! Pine trees have been extinct for over eight hundred years. Leela: Professor, maybe there's some way to bring the pine trees back to life, like we did the barking snakes.
 * [Leela holds up a snake that barks like a dog.]

Farnsworth: Pine trees aren't barking snakes. They won't just turn up in a salad at Olive Garden. But there is one hope, and, as usual, it's Norwegian!
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of Norwegian Alps. The ship flies by them and lands on the ice and spins into the snow making another "successful" landing.  The door opens and the crew exits the ship.]

Farnsworth: Behold! The Svalbard Global Seed Vault! Since 2008, the vault has preserved seeds of every known plant species in case of extinction. Hermes: And I brought a few seeds of my own.
 * [A Norwegian man comes out of the vault doors with two barking snakes.]

Norwegian Seed Man: Halt! Wh-what's your business poky-pokin' about da seed vault, eh, guardian of mankind's precious botanical heritage dere? Farnsworth: We just wanna come in and rummage about a bit. Norwegian Seed Man: Oh. So...okay. [unlocks the vault] Bender: Yo, Abba, what's that next door?
 * [Zoom out to reveal another vault with the sign "Germ Warfare Repository" with a window that opens and shuts with the wind]

Norwegian Seed Man: Oh, dat's da germ warfare repository. Leela: It's so close. Is there any chance of cross-contamination?
 * [pause]

Norwegian Seed Man: No.
 * [Scene: Interior of the vault. The seed man opens up a cooler with the label "Pinus xmas" on it and takes out a pine cone.]

Norwegian Seed Man: Now, your pine trees were all chopped down to make imirgincee toilet paper durin' th' fifty-year squirts. Lucky da seeds have bin preserved here in da vault der. Amy: What's that splork on them? [the camera cuts to a closeup of a tray full of germs] It's not germs, is it?
 * [pause]

Norwegian Seed Man: No.
 * [Scene: Exterior of Planet Express building. Fry is seen outside taking a pine seed and planting it.]
 * [Time passage fade.]
 * [Caption: "One year later"]
 * [The scene changes and the tree is almost fully grown and trimmed and a crowd of people look at it.]

Fry: Now that's a tree worth chopping down.
 * [Pan to Tinny Tim]

Tinny Tim: Indeed. 'Tis a loverly tree. 'Twould truly be my finest Xmas eve—
 * [The robot child gets run over by a Presidential limo. The window rolls down to reveal President Nixon's head admiring the tree.]

Nixon''': Araroo!
 * [Scene: Interior of the car, Nixon is seen talking to Vice President Dick Cheney's Head]

Nixon: That's what my poll numbers need: Happy voters enjoying some holiday cheer. Cheney: As your Vice President, I order you to steal that tree.
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of the White House. The tree's branched out and a bigger crowd is applauding Nixon and Cheney on the stage of the White House.]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, welcome to the Annual White House Xmas Tree Lighting, brought to you by Gunderson's Nuts!
 * [Applause, a Secret Service man brings a case with a button in it, which Nixon's head pushes and lights up the tree to more applause and cheers. Suddenly, the tree grows bigger and bigger and everyone gasps.]

Amy: Oh no! Could the seed have been contaminated by a virus from the germ vault? Norwegian Seed Man: Oh, yeh, I suppose. Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. That weaponized virus made the sickly little tree grow big and strong.
 * [The tree is now an adult and it shakes until all the pine cones fire to the ground like grenade bombs, and everyone runs away in fear. Suddenly, the pine cone bombings stop and more pine trees grow from the ground.]

Leela: Wait, this could be a good thing. Reforestation has begun.
 * [The ground starts to shake.]

Bender: Aw, jeez with this, hey?(?)
 * [All the trees spontaneously grow and more trees sprout from the ground. The camera cuts to a shot of the Earth, which is still spinning in the wrong direction from the results of That Darn Katz!.  The continents become greener.  The camera cuts back down to where we left the crew.  The world is now teaming with wildlife.]

Leela: Arguably, this could be a good thing. The planet has returned to its primeval state. Fry: Earth is just the way it was before the white man came.
 * [Farnsworth takes out a device that lights up to 10%]

Farnsworth: Good news! All these pine trees are fighting global warming by producing oxygen. Happy now, Gore?
 * [Al Gore's Head appears]

Gore: Yeah, but I'd be happier if I had a set of lungs.
 * [Farnsworth checks the device again.]

Farnsworth: Wait a second! Oxygen levels are rising too rapidly! 10%...20%...60%! Gore: As long as it doesn't hit 70! Farnsworth: 80%! Bender: Y'know, I don't recall having done anything for a while. But I still feel like I deserve a smoke. [takes out a cigar and lights it, which causes Gore, Leela and Farnsworth to turn around and gasp, when Bender sees sparks in the air] Hey, cool, the air's on fire.
 * [Wide shot of the Earth, which burns to a crisp. Robot Santa flies past the unlivable planet.]

Robot Santa: Ho ho ho! Everyone's dead! [cheerfully, to the viewing audience] Stay tuned for another tale of holiday hilarity!