Transcript:The Tip of the Zoidberg


 * [Note: This transcript is based on the Comedy Central video Dr. John Zoidberg, "M"D of 12 August, 2011.]
 * [Scene: The Planet Express hangar. Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth are sitting on a bench. Zoidberg is holding a lunch bag with his left hand. Professor Farnsworth is holding a lunch bag with his right hand. Zoidberg is looking at his lunch bag. Professor Farnsworth is looking at Zoidberg. Seen on the floor are five owls and two mice.]

Professor Farnsworth: Ah, Zoidberg. [Professor Farnsworth pulls a mouse out of his bag and throws it on the floor.] We've known each other so long that... Sometimes, I don't think we even need words to understand each other.
 * [An owl eats the mouse. Zoidberg pulls another mouse out of his bag and throws it on the floor. Professor Farnsworth does the same. Zoidberg turns to Professor Farnsworth.]

Zoidberg: What?
 * [The Planet Express ship lands, scaring away six owls. Bender and Leela come out. Bender, who is holding a cigar with his left hand and an open lighter with his right hand, puts the cigar in his mouth, lights it up, closes the lighter, and begins smoking the cigar.]

Leela: Once and for all, Fry, even though it's the future, most objects are still just objects. Not Aliens who look like objects.
 * [Fry comes out as well.]

Fry: So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations with the cactus people were doomed from the start.
 * [Fry lifts up his right hand, revealing it to have been pierced with fourteen pikes, and looks at it.]
 * [Cut to: Outside a room. The glass on the door reads Dr. John Zoidberg - "M"D. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. Fry is sitting on a bed. Zoidberg is standing in front of a shelf with ten books on it.]

Zoidberg: So you're in pain and 'ave a bunch o' needles. I prescribe acupuncture. [Zoidberg lifts up a book labelled  PRINCIPLES OF ACUPUNCTURE with his right claw.] Let's begin. ''[Zoidberg hits Fry's right hand with the book. Fry screams.]'' [scared] Blood?! [casual] I mean, "Blood."
 * [Zoidberg puts his right claw behind his back.]

Fry: Put it back in me!
 * [Cut to: Outside the room. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. Leela is sitting on the bed. Zoidberg is standing next to it and looking at a pad, which he is holding with both his claws.]

Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lotta juice. ''[Zoidberg points forward with his right claw. Leela turns to that direction.] He's developed Simpsons'' jaundice.
 * [The camera pans over to Fry. Fry, whose skin has turned yellow, is sitting on the bed.]

Fry: ¡Ay, caramba! Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.
 * [Leela turns to Zoidberg. Zoidberg points at Leela with his left claw.]

Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry&mdash;
 * [The camera pans over to Fry.]

Fry: Careful, Leela! [Leela turns to Fry.] He knows less about Human anatomy than I do. And I can't even find my own uterus!
 * [Leela turns to Zoidberg. Zoidberg is operating a chainsaw.]

Zoidberg: [over the noise, screaming] You may feel a slight sawing!
 * [Cut to: Outside the room. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. Hermes is sitting on the bed. Zoidberg is standing next to it and looking at the pad, which he is holding with both his claws.]

Zoidberg: And all we need is a little spine supplement to replace what Leela lost in that unavoidable saw mix-up.
 * [Zoidberg puts down the pad. The camera pans over to Leela. Leela, whose upper body and lower body have been separated, is sitting on the bed with crossed arms.]

Leela: It wasn't unavoidable! [Leela jumps forward.] You just had to stop cutting my spine when I yelled, "Stop! You're cutting my spine!" Fry: [off camera] Quit complaining! ''[The camera pans over to Fry. Fry, whose skin resembles that of Garfield, is sitting on the bed.] My body rejected your liver and now I've got Garfield'' syndrome. [Fry sighs.] I hate Mondays.
 * [Fry crosses his arms.]

Zoidberg: Anyhow, Hermes, all Leela needs is one of your vertebrae. Hermes: But, Doctor, will I be able to limbo afterwards? Zoidberg: Could you limbo before? [Zoidberg laughs.] Wait. I say, "Yes." And you say, "I couldn't limbo before." You ruined the joke, Hermes!
 * [Zoidberg points at Hermes with his left claw.]
 * [Cut to: Outside the room. The camera zooms in on the glass.]
 * [Cut to: Inside the room. Zoidberg helps Leela, whose upper body and lower body have been reconnected, get up.]

Zoidberg: There you go, Leela. Good as new!
 * [Fry, whose skin resembles that of Kermit the Frog, is standing behind a desk. Leela, whose spine clicks as it whirls around, walks towards the desk.]

Leela: Whoa! Whoa! Fry: Oh, sure. Leela: [continued] Whoa! Fry: [continued] Leela's fine. [Fry points at Leela with his left hand and at himself with both his hands.] But my jaundice has progressed a Muppet gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.
 * [Fry crosses his arms. Hermes, who has gotten shorter, enters.]

Hermes: I thought you were only gonna take out one vertebra! Zoidberg: Yeah, but did you ever play Jenga? Sometimes, you pull one and&mdash;
 * [Zoidberg makes a strange sound. Hermes, Fry, and Leela complain.]

Fry: [over the noise] Oh, yeah? Well, I've got news for ya. I'm not stayin' like this. You're the Doctor! Zoidberg: Hmmm. What started out as a pleasant afternoon of drugs and surgery has not gone as planned. But don't worry. We still 'ave three or four coworkers with plenty of spare parts.
 * [Zoidberg claws with both his claws.]