Transcript:All the Presidents' Heads

Section #1

 * [Opening Credits. Caption: APPLY VIEWING OIL NOW]
 * [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters, afternoon.]
 * [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Professor Farnsworth enters and walks up to the conference table.]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
 * [Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, and Fry are sitting at the conference table. Leela is reading a book and Hermes and Amy are playing cards.]

Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, and Fry: No. Professor Farnsworth: Ta-da! ''[Professor Farnsworth activates the holographic projector. The holographic projector shows a tree filled with spheres. Professor Farnsworth touches one of the spheres.]'' This is my ancestor Philo Farnsworth, inventor of television and, as a bonus, childhood obesity. ''[The sphere enlarges and shows a television screen depicting a man who resembles Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth touches another sphere.] And here's Dean'' Farnsworth, developer of the Farnsworth test for colour blindness. ''[The sphere enlarges and shows a set of coloured balls depicting another man who resembles Professor Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth adjusts his glasses.]'' Where is he, blast it?! [Professor Farnsworth touches a third sphere.] And, just recently, I learned of a modern-day Farnsworth, who invented the anti-senility truss.
 * [The sphere enlarges and shows Professor Farnsworth.]

Leela: That's you, Professor.
 * [Leela points at Professor Farnsworth.]

Professor Farnsworth: Wha?! ''[Professor Farnsworth's belly enlarges until his sweater and his pants are separated. Professor Farnsworth is wearing a metallic truss. The metallic truss unleashes several sparks. Professor Farnsworth adjusts his clothes.]'' Ah, yes. The Farnsworths boast a proud and distinguished lineage. No wormy fruit on this tree. Amy: What about Fry? [Fry is snoring.] Isn't he your distant uncle? Professor Farnsworth: Very distant. Not a true Farnsworth, mind you. ''[A fourth sphere shows Fry. The sphere's branch is filled with fungus and dung beetles.] He's way'' over here on this filthy branch riddled with fungus and dung beetles.
 * [Professor Farnsworth walks up to the branch. The branch falls off and on top of Fry. Fry stops snoring.]

Fry: What's with the seventeen dung beetles?
 * [The dung beetles run across the conference table. Amy raises her arms in disgust. Bender squashes one of the dung beetles. On the other side of the conference table are a hanger with a hat on it and Hermes. Hermes is looking at a watch on his right arm and holding a suitcase with his left hand. The hologram disappears.]

Hermes: Well, it's six o'clock. [Hermes removes the hat from the hangar and puts it on.] I guess we'll have to deliver that Human heart tomorrow. Good work, people!
 * [Hermes waves and leaves. Bender raises his arms in excitement.]

Bender: Woohoo! Time to go clubbin'. ''[With his right hand, Bender opens his chest cabinet and grabs a baseball bat. Bender's chest cabinet closes itself.]'' Baby seals, here I come.
 * [Bender hits his left hand with the baseball bat three times and leaves. Fry stretches, stands up, and adjusts his back.]

Fry: Guess I better head over to my night job. Leela: You have a night job? Fry: Yup. It's exhausting, but I need the extra money to buy coffee so I can stay awake for my night job. Leela: But&mdash; Fry: Gotta go!
 * [Fry waves and leaves.]
 * [Scene: Outside the Head Museum, night. Fry is wearing a suit and flies through the Tube Transport System.]

Fry: [extendedly] Woo!
 * [Fry falls on his head and grunts, then falls on his back and screams.]
 * [Cut to: Dr. Cahill's office. There is a table. Abraham Lincoln's head is standing on it and Dr. Cahill is leaning against it. Abraham Lincoln's beard is filled with something green.]

Dr. Cahill: You've got a surprising amount of algae in your beard, Mr. President. Just sit still and let the algae eater do its work.
 * [Dr. Cahill lifts up a fishing net and uses it to drop an algae eater in Abraham Lincoln's jar. The algae eater bites Abraham Lincoln's head repeatedly.]

Abraham Lincoln's head: Ooh! Ow! [The algae eater bites Abraham Lincoln's mole.] Ooh! Lay off my trademark mole.
 * [Fry enters. A purse is between Abraham Lincoln's head and Dr. Cahill.]

Dr. Cahill: Hi, Lars. Fry: Fry.
 * [Fry shrugs.]

Dr. Cahill: Whatever. ''[Dr. Cahill opens and closes the purse.]'' I'm heading out to my night job. ''[Dr. Cahill walks up to the door.] Remember: No loud noise, no head bowling, and no'' parties. Or it'll be your ass in a jar!
 * [Dr. Cahill points at Fry.]

Fry: I wanna go to that museum!
 * [Fry points at something in front of him.]
 * [Cut to: The Hall of Presidents. Twenty-eight Presidential heads can be seen. Fry has entered and is steering a cart with a bag labelled PRESIDENT CHOW on it. Inside the bag is a spoon. Fry feeds Grover Cleveland's head.]

Bill Clinton's head: Man, this place is a snooze. Hey, Fry, I challenge President Taft 'ere to a pie-eatin' contest. William Taft's head: You're on, skinny! Fry: Sorry, guys. You know the rules. "No fun allowed." Andrew Jackson's head: Come on, you pansy! I'm thirsty. I want me some Tennessee loopy juice! Warren Harding's head: And I want loose women. The kind that aren't afraid to show a little ankle. James Madison's head: [creepily] Or elbow.
 * [James Madison's head smiles.]

Fry: No visitors! I'll lose my job. Rutherford B. Hayes' head: Oh, boo-hoo! I'll lose my minimum-wage job.
 * [All the Presidents' heads begin laughing.]

Fry: You're mean, Rutherford B. Hayes!
 * [Fry points at Rutherford B. Hayes' head. All the Presidents' heads stop laughing.]

Franklin D. Roosevelt's head: Listen here, young man! We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.
 * [Fry sighs.]

Fry: Alright. One small get-together. But let's keep it quiet and dignified.
 * [Time lapse. There is music. Zoidberg is holding a bottle of beer with his left hand, dancing, and waving around his coat with his right hand.]

Zoidberg: [quickly] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
 * [The camera zooms out, revealing that Zoidberg is standing on top of the heads of Ashlee Douglas and Tyler Barnette, who are standing on top of the heads of Zoe Washburne, David Torres, and Bob Glass; Scruffy and Amy are dancing; Amy is holding a bottle of beer with her right hand; and Fry is holding Dwight D. Eisenhower's head with both his hands and walking. The camera pans over to Professor Farnsworth, Hermes, Leela, and Bender. Professor Farnsworth is holding a bottle of beer with his left hand, Hermes is dancing, Leela is holding a bottle of beer with her left hand and dancing, and Bender is holding a bottle of beer with his right hand.]

Bender: Woohoo! Yeah, alright!
 * [Bender laughs, throws his bottle at a shelf, shattering it, grabs one of the six bottles in Calvin Coolidge's jar, and pops it open. Scruffy, Leela, and Hermes have already popped open theirs.]

Scruffy, Leela, Hermes, and Bender: Four more beers! Four more beers!
 * [Scruffy, Leela, Hermes, and Bender drink. Amy throws a coin into Dwight D. Eisenhower's jar.]

Amy: Yes! Right in the ike! James Madison's head: [creepily] Nice elbow action.
 * [James Madison's head laughs nervously. The camera pans over to Hermes and Thomas Jefferson's head.]

Hermes: So... You grow hemp? Thomas Jefferson's head: Yes. Hermes: And... You do what with it? Thomas Jefferson's head: All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope... Hermes: Oh. Well, nice talking to you.
 * [Hermes goes away.]

Thomas Jefferson's head: Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.
 * [Hermes comes back, running.]

Hermes: Let me give you my pager number.
 * [Hermes lifts up a piece of paper with his right hand. The music stops. Professor Farnsworth walks up to Ronald Reagan's head.]

Professor Farnsworth: Hey, Reagan. Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
 * [Professor Farnsworth lifts up a spherical device with both his hands.]

Ronald Reagan's head: I asked you to leave me alone.
 * [Professor Farnsworth presses a button on the spherical device with his right hand. The spherical device shows a tree filled with spheres that is smaller than the one seen earlier.]

Professor Farnsworth: The Farnsworths are a remarkable&mdash; George Washington's head: [off camera] Farnsworth?! ''[The camera pans over to George Washington's head. George Washington's head spits in his jar's glass.]'' That name is a stain on American history! One of the worst traitors of the Revolution was a Farnsworth!
 * [Professor Farnsworth has walked up to George Washington's head.]

Professor Farnsworth: You're lying!
 * [Professor Farnsworth points at George Washington's head. The camera zooms out, revealing Leela.]

Leela: [whispering] He's George Washington! He tends not to do that!
 * [Leela points at George Washington's head.]

George Washington's head: David Farnsworth was a notorious British agent and counterfeiter. [The camera zooms in on George Washington's head.] He conspired to bring down our nation with his fraudulent currency.
 * [George Washington's head lifts up a piece of paper with his Robotic right hand. The camera zooms in on the piece of paper. The piece of paper reads  Colony of Ma??achu?etts - TWO THIRDS OF A DOLLAR, According to a Re?olution of CONGRESS, pa??ed at PHILADELPHIA - c. 1775 Philad . - No. 178669 and has an indistinctive signature and a logo with MIND YOUR BUSINESS on it. Professor Farnsworth grabs it with his left hand and looks at it.]

Professor Farnsworth: A Farnsworth did this?! [Professor Farnsworth holds the piece of paper with his right hand and puts his left hand on his head.] Oh, dear! My good name is ruined!
 * [Professor Farnsworth sits on Gerald Ford's head.]

Gerald Ford's head: Hi! I'm Gerry. I like movies.
 * [Time lapse. There is music. Amy is holding a bottle of beer with her left hand, Professor Farnsworth is sitting on Gerald Ford's head, Zoidberg is dancing with his coat on, Leela is dancing with Martin Van Buren's head against her breasts, Hermes is holding a bottle of beer with his right hand and dancing, and Fry is holding a bottle of beer with his right hand, dancing, and drinking. The eyes of Leela and Fry are closed. Amy kisses a jar. Martin Van Buren's head stares at Leela's breasts with a smile on his face. The camera zooms out, revealing Bender.]

Bender: Anyone seen Ulysses Grant? [Leela opens her eyes, looking at Bender.] He owes me a cheroot.
 * [Leela turns to her right.]

Leela: He's over there, pukin' in the Bushes.
 * [Bender looks at Leela and turns to the same direction. Ulysses Grant, who is on a shelf, prepares to vomit in the jars of George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush, who are on the floor.]

George H. W. Bush's head and George W. Bush's head: [extendedly] No!
 * [Dr. Cahill enters, perusing a set of paper sheets, and looks surprised. The music stops playing. Zoidberg, Fry, Leela, and Professor Farnsworth gasp. Leela drops Martin Van Buren's head on the floor. Martin Van Buren's jar shatters.]

Fry: Oh, boy.
 * [Dr. Cahill has crossed her arms.]

Dr. Cahill: [angry] Mr. Fry! ''[Dr. Cahill uncrosses her arms and walks up to Fry as she looks around.]'' Why are all these people standing around? ''[Dr. Cahill grabs a bottle of beer with her right hand and throws the set of paper sheets away with her left hand.]'' [happy] When they should be partying!
 * [Amy is holding her bottle of beer with her right hand.]

Amy, Bender, and Hermes: Alright!
 * [James Polk's head presses a button on a stereo with his Robotic left hand. The music resumes playing. Zoidberg lifts up Lyndon Johnson's head.]

Zoidberg: Hey, hey, LBJ. You wanna get drunk? Lyndon Johnson's head: Oh, hell, yeah. [Zoidberg begins drinking the water in Lyndon Johnson's jar.] Whoa! Professor Farnsworth: Zoidberg, no! [Professor Farnsworth and Amy run towards Zoidberg.] The effects of jar juice aren't fully understood!
 * [Professor Farnsworth and Amy separate Zoidberg and Lyndon Johnson's head. Amy puts Lyndon Johnson's jar on top of another jar.]

Zoidberg: Uh... Not bad. A hint of vitalis and&mdash;
 * [Zoidberg screams. Zoidberg's eyes turns to plasma, but go back to normal in a moment. However, a plasma sphere has appeared in his chest. The plasma sphere becomes larger, consuming him, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy whole, becomes brighter, dazzling Leela and Bender, and disappears.]
 * [Cut to: Wall. Three Campbell's Soup paintings can be seen. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Professor Farnsworth, Zoidberg, and Amy, and disappears. Professor Farnsworth has a flower on his head, hair, beard, different glasses, and a necklace; Zoidberg has hair, a suit, and different shoes; and Amy has different hair, an earring, a dress, a bracelet, and different boots.]

Amy: I recognise this! [The camera zooms out, revealing Professor Farnsworth to be barefoot.] It's the 1960s! ''[Zoidberg touches Professor Farnsworth's beard. Professor Farnsworth looks angry and moves away from Zoidberg.]'' I did a report on it from my drug-taking class.
 * [A blond man walks up to Zoidberg.]

Blond man: Hi. I'm Andy Warhol and you're some kind of... Marvellous lobster man. Zoidberg: Right on! Say, you got any real soup or just this schlock?
 * [The plasma sphere appears in Zoidberg's chest, becomes larger, consuming Zoidberg whole, and disappears.]

Andy Warhol: What a horrid bore.
 * [Cut to: The Hall of Presidents. The music has stopped playing. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy, and disappears. Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy are back to normal.]

Professor Farnsworth: Ooh. Amy: Wha? Zoidberg: Far out! That head gave me a total head trip!
 * [Zoidberg puts his left claw on his head.]

Fry: Really?! [The camera pans over to a shelf.] I'm gonna lick Herbert Hoover's head!
 * [Fry points at Herbert Hoover's head.]

Zoidberg, Leela, Amy, Hermes, and several heads: Lick the head! [Bender has picked up Herbert Hoover's head and is holding it in front of Fry.] Lick the head!
 * [Fry licks Herbert Hoover's head and Bender puts it back on the shelf. The plasma sphere appears, becomes larger, consuming Leela, Hermes, Fry, and Bender whole, and disappears.]
 * [Cut to: Bar. A bartender and two customers are there. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Leela, Hermes, Fry, and Bender, and disappears. Leela has different hair, a scarf, evening gloves, a dress, and high heels; Hermes and Fry have a hat, a tie, a different suit, and different shoes; and Bender has a hat and a bow tie.]

Bender: Whoa! A speakeasy. [Bender raises his right hand, then raises his left hand, and puts both his hands on the counter.] One prohibited beverage, please.
 * [The bartender turns to his right.]

Bartender: Hey, Dutch. The new still is here.
 * [The bartender puts a jug of draught beer on the counter.]

Bender: I'm not a still! ''[The bartender turns to Bender. Bender points at himself with his right hand and puts his right hand back on the table.]'' I just smell like one!
 * [A siren goes off. The camera pans over to the window, behind which a light is flashing. A car-drifting sound and a door-opening sound can be heard.]

Male voice: Dutch Schultz, come out with your bootleg whisky. We're thirsty!
 * [Several shots are fired against the wall from the outside. Hermes, Fry, Bender, and Leela duck. Bender tries to reach for the jug on the counter, but it is shattered by another shot. Bender grunts. The plasma sphere appears, becomes larger, consuming Hermes, Fry, Bender, and Leela whole, and disappears.]
 * [Cut to: The Hall of Presidents. Amy, Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Dr. Cahill can be seen. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Hermes, Bender, Fry, and Leela, and disappears. Zoidberg, Professor Farnsworth, and Amy are back to normal.]

Hermes: What the heck is goin' on?! Jefferson, did you sell me some bad rope?! Professor Farnsworth: It must have something to do with the jar fluid. [Professor Farnsworth puts his left hand in Thomas Jefferson's jar, takes it out, and smells it.] Aha! [Professor Farnsworth turns to Dr. Cahill.] Dr. Cahill, do I detect a trace of opal essence? Dr. Cahill: Very observant, Professor. To preserve the heads, we use a rare form of powdered crystalline opal. ''[Dr. Cahill opens a safe and grabs a test tube filled with powdered crystalline opal with her right hand.]'' This is the world's entire supply. ''[Dr. Cahill holds the test tube with her left hand.]'' Yet it's so powerful, it should last a thousand years. It keeps the heads alive, but... We don't know how. Amy: Why did it give us those hallucinations?
 * [Professor Farnsworth turns to Amy and raises his left hand.]

Professor Farnsworth: Because it didn't!
 * [Professor Farnsworth moves away from Amy.]

Amy: Uh... Yuh-uh!
 * [Dr. Cahill is still holding the test tube. Professor Farnsworth is pointing at it.]

Professor Farnsworth: Opal has unusual temporal properties. [Professor Farnsworth turns to the others and illustrates the situation with both his hands.] It preserves each head in a time-stasis bubble. Ergo, licking those heads actually sent us back in time to their original eras. [Professor Farnsworth points at a painting on the wall resembling Shot Marilyns that bears Zoidberg's face instead of Marilyn Monroe's. To its left, there is a sign reading UNWELCOME GUEST - 1968.] Look! Zoidberg: Fuh! Schlock and more schlock!
 * [The camera pans over to Bender. Bender's chest cabinet is opened by Dutch Schultz.]

Dutch Schultz: Pssst! Is the coast clear? Bender: Button your yap, you mug!
 * [Bender closes his chest cabinet.]

Professor Farnsworth: I've discovered a new means of time travel! I'll call it the Farnsworth effect!
 * [George Washington's head spits in his jar's glass.]

George Washington's head: Nice try. [Professor Farnsworth looks at George Washington's head.] But even this discovery won't undo the treachery wrought by your nefarious ancestor David Farnsworth. Professor Farnsworth: It will if we go back in time and stop him!
 * [Professor Farnsworth takes the test tube from Dr. Cahill's left hand and pours the entire supply of powdered crystalline opal in George Washington's jar. Leela, Fry, Hermes, and Bender gasp. Professor Farnsworth removes George Washington's head from the shelf and licks it three times.]

Leela: Professor, no! ''[Leela and Fry run towards Professor Farnsworth and hold him. Bender runs towards George Washington's head and removes his jar from Professor Farnsworth's hands.]'' You can't tongue the father of our country!
 * [The plasma sphere appears, becomes larger, consuming Bender, Professor Farnsworth, Leela, and Fry whole, and disappears. George Washington's head falls on the floor.]
 * [Cut to: Meadow. The plasma sphere appears, forms the figures of Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Leela, and Bender, and disappears. Fry, Professor Farnsworth, and Leela have hats, different hair, different clothes, and different shoes; and Bender has a hat and his antenna slicked back.]

Fry: Where are we? Also, when are we? Professor Farnsworth: 68th and Broadway, colonial era. ''[A cowbell-ringing sound is heard and a cow is seen. The cow moos.]'' Rush hour.

Section #2

 * [Scene: Brick building. The crew is wearing 18th-century clothes. A man approaches Paul Revere through a broken wall.]

Man: An urgent message for Mr. Revere!
 * [The man hands Revere a letter with his name on it. Revere opens it and begins reading it out loud. Bender, Professor Farnsworth, Fry, and Benjamin Franklin are listening.]

Paul Revere: Mr. Revere, pay do not 'ƒhit' your pants. The British attack has begun. Cross the river and watch for my signal. [Revere finishes reading the letter.] I must ride.
 * [Revere leaves the building, panting, and a horse is heard neighing from outside.]

Leela: He has so much stuff. [Leela puts a set of tableware into a seemingly bottomless purse.] He won't miss this.
 * [Scene: Backyard. Bender and Franklin are putting together a pile of counterfeits. Bender takes some from his chest cabinet and Franklin takes others from a box on the floor. Leela is steering a cart with more conterfeits.]

Professor Farnsworth: Let's burn these counterfeits and paddle the next swan boat the hell out of Boston.
 * [Leela and the Professor throw their counterfeits into the pile.]

Fry: Here you go.
 * [Fry hands the Professor a lantern.]

Professor Farnsworth: Thanks. ''[The Professor throws the lantern onto the pile, causing it to shatter. The counterfeits start burning.]'' Say, where did you get that lantern? Fry: From that old church to the north. [Fry points to a church.] They had two burning, so I figured they wouldn't miss one.
 * [Cut to: Revere riding a horse.]

Paul Revere: One if by land. Two if by sea. [Revere stops by a river and sees one lantern hanging on the wall of the church.] [shouting] The British are coming! The British are coming! [Revere goes back to riding the horse.] [shouting] By land! By land! [whispering] Gotta treat this OCD. Gotta treat this OCD.