Transcript:The Prisoner of Benda


 * [Opening Credits: Two scoops of in every scene.]
 * [Opening credits for The Scary Door.]

The Scary Announcer: You're taking a vacation from normalcy, the setting: a weird motel where the bed is stained with mystery, and there's also some mystery floating in the pool. Your key card may not open the exercise room because someone smeared mystery on the lock. But it will open the Scary Door.
 * ''[Scene: Outside Capitol Hill where a press conference is taking place.]

Announcer: Submitted for your consideration, a popular Senator with unpopular ideas. Senator: There's no such thing as space aliens! Man: Oh? How can you be so sure them aliens ain't already among us? Senator: I'll tell you how! [takes off the man's face revealing an alien lifeform] Because you ARE ONE!!!
 * [musical sting]
 * [Scene: Omicron Persei 8, Lrrr's castle. Lrrr is sleeping on the couch. Ndnd turns off the TV.]

Lrrr Hey I was watching that! The just needed a field goal to tie! Ndnd: Lrrr, you lazy ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! You said you would conquer a planet today, but you have not even shed your skin yet! Lrrr: Yes, Ndnd. I heard you the first hundred times. I'll conquer something tomorrow after I fuel up on your disgusting egg-white omelets. Ndnd: You want yolks? Fine! Enjoy your stoke. ''[She throws the remote at him and walks out.]'
 * [Scene: Fry's comic.]

Fry: Erth. [He mimics laser fire as a spaceship blows up the planet.] Invader X: Ha ha ha! I am conquering Erth. Leelis Lane: Not so fast, Invader X! Here comes Delivery-Boy Man! Delivery-Boy Man: Special delivery for Invader X! Laser eye power! ''[He shoots Invader X's ship with his laser eyes. The ship explodes. Cut to: Delivery-Boy Man in the ship, with Invader X threatening him in a gun.]'' Hand magnet power! [The gun flies into Delivery-Boy Man's hand.] Leelis Lane: [She comes free.] Yay! I'm unbuckled! ''[Delivery-Boy Man uses his "hand magnet power" to bring Lane to him. Invader X: Stop it, you hero! Delivery-Boy Man: Reverse-time power!
 * [Time outside the ship rewinds and Erth is restored. The ship's lasers return to their batteries and the ship explodes.]

Delivery-Boy Man: It's earlier now. [He and Lane kiss.]
 * [The comic ends with "Written and Inked by Fry!!!]
 * [Scene: Planet Express, lounge.]

Fry: So? What do you think of my comic? Bender: Let me put it like this. After I leave here, I'm getting a memory. Leela: If I can offer some constructive criticism, there was never any real peril. I mean, the delivery guy has, like, 30 superpowers. Fry: Well, that's because he was bitten by a radioactive ! Zoidberg: This is wonderful! Fry: It is, isn't it? Wait, those are the ads. Zoidberg: These X-ray specs will really take the guesswork out of surgery. No more chopping blindly in the goop. Prof. Farnsworth: Don't waste your allowance, Zoidberg. This stuff is butt-grade crap. Ads: Amuse your friends with real vomit! Throw your voice! Sea monkeys! Throw your sea monkeys! My disintegrator ray really works! Amy: But that's you. Farnsworth: That's how I know it's bunkum. The Farnsworth Novelty Disintegrator Ray is nothing more than a common teleporter ray. [He shoots a trashcan, it reappears next to him and he throws the toy away.] Worthless toy. Fry: I'm sick of being critiqued by nitpicking nerds. I'm taking this to a comic book convention!
 * ''[Scene: Comic-con 3010. Free admission with an pelt.

Amy: Smeesh, it's crowded! Bender: Good thing everyone is freshly bathed and groomed.
 * [Zoidberg cuts open a box and begins eating what's inside.]

Nerd: What are you doing? [He pulls the toy out of Zoidberg's mouth.] That's the rare Zapp Brannigan with recording session blooper! [He presses a button on the figure.] Action Figure: Don't tell me how to do the line. It sickens me. Zoidberg: But the sign said there was a mint in the box.
 * [The rest of the crew walks into Ballroom 20, Matt Groening's other panel.]
 * ''[Matt Groening's head is on stage. Crystal Chesney-Thompson's head and David X. Cohen's head are next to him.]

Groening: Thank you so... Okay, thanks... Thanks so... Settle down!
 * [They are on stage with Peter Avanzino's head, Claudia Katz's head, Patric M. Verrone's head and Ken Keeler's head. The Bill Morrison Robot is moderating.

Groening: So, anyway, we're really excited to show you guys the for our new TV series. Cohen: It's set it the year 4000, and we call it Futurella!
 * [The audience turns on the video-phones as the pilot starts. The credits start but before the name can even get off the screens, a buzzer sounds. The screens go black and the word "cancelled" appears.]

Groening: Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process. Bill Morrison Robot: Matt will now take questions. But please, only about Futurella, not the Simpsons. Yes? The robot standing on the small child over there? Bender: Yeah, when are you going to make a second ? ''[A panel slides open from underneath Groening's nameplate. A gun slides out and shoots Bender.]'' D'oh!
 * [Scene: Fry walks to "The Last Actual Comic Booth". Sergio Aragonés is the only one at the booth.]

Fry: Mr. Aragonés, I'm a big fan of your cartoons and your mustache. Aragonés: You want it? Take it. It's brought me nothing but misery. Fry: Wow. Thanks! ''[He rips the mustache off Aragonés' face and puts it on. Aragonés screams.]'' If you could just quiet down, I wanted to get your opinion of my comic book. Aragonés: Señor, anyone who still writes comics is a hero to me. ''[He smiles. Fry shows him the comic and he stops smiling.]'' Mmm. It stinks. But, um, I do like the little doodles in the margins. Fry: Oh, that's just some relish from a hot dog I found. Man: Attention, ladies and gentleboys, the costume contest is about to begin. Bender: [Running up to Fry.] The costume contest! The costume contest! [He runs off.]
 * ''[Scene: People are on stage, waiting to show off their costumes. There are people dressed as Mom and her sons, the Robot Devil and Yivo. Leela is dressed as.

Leela: What the hell are you supposed to be? Bender: [In a crude Leela costume.] Every nerd's fantasy, baby. Randy: [Dressed as .] Next up, contestant number 36! ''[A fat man dressed as drives up in a scooter. He shoots out at the crowd then some into his mouth.]'' He drives off. Contestant 36, everyone. Next up, contestant 37...
 * ''[The building shakes and an Omicronian Saucer lands. The Omicronians disembark.

Lrrr: [softly.] I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet... Randy: Hold on a second, let me just get this. [He adjusts the microphone.] Lrrr: I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. You are hereby conquered! Please line up in order of how much it takes to kill you. [The crowd cheers.] Grrrl: [She takes off her Decapodian costume.] Damn, that's a good costume. Randy: [As the Omicronians are being pushed off-stage.] Next up contestant 38! Lrrr: I don't understand. Why are the human still eating their soft pretzels instead of surrendering? Leela: [While eating a soft pretzel.] They're probably waiting for Joss Whedon. Lrrr:: Joss Whedon's here? Wait a minute, you look familiar. Leela: Yeah, you almost ate me once. I was in your mouth for five minutes. Lrrr: Leela? Randy: And the winner is, Nerdgasma! Bender walks up.] Bender: Wooh, I've got fruit boobs! Lrrr: What's the use?
 * [Scene: Omicron Persei 8. Lrrr's castle. Lrrr is waiting of Ndnd to finish cooking. She drops a steak in front of him.]

Lrrr: Now what? Ndnd: I send you out to conquer a planet and all you bring back is face? [A face is lying in a box, nearby.] Lrrr: I thought you'd like it. You haven't even tried it on. Ndnd: I might dress up in a face if you ever took me anywhere nice! Lrrr: Oh, boy, here we go. I built this castle with my own two slaves. What are you gonna to do, kick me out?
 * [Ndnd holds up a frying pan threateningly.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express. Lrrr rings the doorbell and Leela answers.]

Lrrr: I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. May I crash on your couch?
 * [Time Lapse. The crew is gathering in the meeting room. Lrrr is sleeping on the couch.]

Farnsworth: So he just showed up unannounced, raided the liquor cabinet, sprayed urine on the ceiling and passed out? Amy: And the walls.
 * ''[The Professor pokes Lrrr with the Fing-Longer.

Lrrr Leave me alone. My wife hates me and planetary conquest has become a chore. Farnsworth: There, there. You're just having a. Lrrr: Mid-life crisis, eh? [He pulls out a ray-gun.] Lrrr demands the comfort of pop-psychological platitudes. Bender: Look, hoss, your wife threw you out. That's your license to be a jerk. Do whatever the hell you want then walk away and light a cigar. ''[He pulls a cigar out of his chest cabinet, lights it, and walks away. Leela: Don't listen to him. Bender may seem happy. [Bender can be heard laughing.] But in the long-tern, you need to reinvest in your relationship with Ndnd. Lrrr: Yes, it's clear what I must do.
 * ''[Scene: Malfunctioning Eddie's Rocket Car Emporium. Lrrr is trying out a hovercar, while Bender and Victor watch.
 * [Montage. Rock music starts to play. Lrrr and Bender fly out in the new car. They land at The Elegant Elephant and go inside. Lrrr tries on some new clothes. The montage ends as he disintegrates the robot salesman.]

Lrrr: I like it.
 * [Scene: Discreet plastic surgery.]

Surgeon: I'm thinking we downplay those hideous growths on your head. [A hologram shows Lrrr and it is changed to make him seem human with full hair.] Lrrr: Horns are a sign of virility. Also, they house my testes. Surgeon: I'm thinking horn extension.
 * [Scene: The Hip Joint.]

Bender: You'll need some arm candy. It's the perfect accessory for out-of-shape, middle-aged creeps like you. Yeah, I said it! What's your time, Borgnine? Lrrr: Big and angry. ''[He unzips his jacket and pulls out a magazine. He unfolds several pages to reveal a picture of a naked Omicronian woman. Bender's eyes zoom in then suddenly wilt. Bender: Look, brah, you just not gonna find a whole lot of hot, gigantic Omicronian babes in this solar system. Lrrr: There's one! [He stuffs his magazine into his jacket as the woman walks over.] Grrrl: Hey, cool cape. Were'd you get it? Lrrr: What, this old thing? I murdered my father. My name's Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Grrrl: I am called Grrrl. Lrrr: Of the planet Omicron Persei 8? That is a pretty name.
 * [Scene: Planet Express, lounge. Leela is watching Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, while Fry is working on his comic. Lrrr and Bender walk in.]

Lrrr: What's on the TV tonight? Oh, wait! I don't care, because I've got a date! Leela: I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think this is a mistake. Fry: Leela's right. That isn't what you want to hear. What you want to hear is that I fixed my comic book. Now the hero is more repeatable because he has no more ridiculous powers. Lrrr: Let's watch, shall we.
 * [Scene: Fry's comic. Invader X is holding Leelis Lane hostage.]

Invader X: One more step and little Miss Constructive Criticism here gets it! Delivery-Boy Man: Oh, yeah? I may be just a simple delivery boy with no superpowers, so there's nothing I can do. Invader X: Okay. ''[He disintegrates Lane. Delivery-Boy Man burst into tears.]''
 * ''[Scene: Planet Express, lounge.]'

Fry: So? Give me your honest praise. Leela: Fry, I've now seen two comic books, so listen to me. Why should I care about the hero when all he does is cry?
 * [Fry starts crying.]
 * [Scene: Grrrl's apartment.]

Lrrr: Hmm. That dinner was a worthy foe. Grrrl: Yes, we shall not see its like again. So, um... [She begins kissing Lrrr.] Lrrr: Um, I'm sorry. I haven't done this in a while. I just got partway out of a bad relationship. Grrrl: Maybe I should take this off. ''[She begins taking off her dress and Lrrr's laser fires. Grrrl reaches back and unzips her costume, revealing her to be a human.]'' Lrrr: [He screams.] You're a human? Grrrl: Only physically. I'm a cross-species dresser. [She hangs up the costume.] Wait, you're an actual Omicronian? Lrrr: Oh, God. Oh God, what have I done? Grrrl: This is so hot! Conquer me, Lrrr! Sharpen your horns on my scaly thorax! [She jumps him.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express, meeting room. Bender and Fry are sitting while Leela comforts Lrrr.]

Lrrr: [Sobbing.] I want to go home! But Ndnd would never take me back now. Leela: Ndnd just wants what every she-beast wants, to feel like you're listening to her nagging. Is there anything she has been riding your ass about? Lrrr: Conquering things, I guess. I could conquer Earth, kill all humans. Bender: There's a thought. Leela: No! We don't need a war of the worlds. Fry: That's it! We need a ! I'll call Orson Welles [He begins dialing his cell phone.] Bender: Dork calling Orson! Dork calling Orson!
 * [Scene: The Head Museum.]

Welles: You're asking me, the renowned spokesperson for, to recreate my brilliant merely to decieve and impress the wife of this skinny reptile? Fry: Sorry. Never mind. Welles: I do it for free.