Transcript:Benderama


 * [Note #1: This transcript is based on the table reading from of 24 July, 2010 (Section #1), on the video from the Countdown to Futurama post Infinite Benders of 15 June, 2011 (Section #2), and on the video from the  post 'Futurama': A giant Patton Oswalt unleashes his wrath on New New York of 21 June, 2011 (Section #3).]
 * [Note #2: UNKNOWN represents a word or set of words not identified by the transcriber.]
 * [Note #3: Section #1 does not necessarily reflect what will be seen on television. Some lines may be changed or deleted.]

Section #1

 * [Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Hermes is addressing the crew members, who are seated around the table looking shocked and upset.]

Hermes: So there it is, people. We're playing out of money. I'd be happy to write letters of recommendation for most of you.
 * [Zoidberg bursts out sobbing. The Professor hustles in.]

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo, everyone! Look at my latest invention.
 * [The Professor puts down a machine resembling an overhead projector.]

Amy: Ooh! I like how it's not killing us so far! Professor Farnsworth: It takes any object and makes two smaller copies.
 * [The crew sounds excited.]

Leela: Why? Professor Farnsworth: For, you see, as I age, I've been shrinking and feeling cold. So now I need twice as many sweaters. In a smaller size. First, I scan the old sweater. ''[He puts a sweater on the replicator screen and presses a button. It scans the sweater like a Xerox machine.]'' Then we add some matter. Oh, any old, useless matter will do. [He dumps a photo album labeled Zoidberg's wedding'' into it. We hear a grinding sound. Zoidberg sobs.]'' Now, the matter prism reorganises the raw material into two smaller copies.
 * [The machine starts up. Moving prismatic lights emanate from its seeds. Then, when it stops, a door on the side of the machine opens and two somewhat smaller, identical sweaters are deposited onto the table. The Professor holds them up next to the original.]

Fry: So that's where babies' sweaters come from!
 * [Scene: The Planet Express employee lounge. A little later, Bender is slumped on the couch watching TV. Fry enters. On TV, we hear The Scary Door theme. Against the backdrop of stars, objects drift toward camera. A jockey on all fours with a horse sitting on his back. A dolphin playing the trombone with his blowhole. A slinky climbing up the stairs. A kid blowing a gum bubble that enlarges to become the Earth, then pops and covers his face.]

The Scary Door narrator: Enclosed as a pity of attachment,. It's a river that flows in two directions. Make that three. It's a magic river. That's how. It is flowing down the eerie canal to... The Scary Door. That's eerie with two Es. ''[C.U.: On TV, a scientist's laboratory. The scientist finishes wielding a Robot.]'' Consider, if you have the energy, Dr. Daniel Zenus, an inventor with a terminal case of alazis. Dr. Daniel Zenus: This Robot will do everything for me! Robot, activate yourself and do my research.
 * [The Robot flips its own on switch and powers up. It begins tinkering with test tubes as the scientist leans back in a chair with a pillow.]

Dr. Daniel Zenus: Ah!
 * [Cut to: Later.]

Dr. Daniel Zenus: Next, assume my social obligations.
 * [The scientist kicks back in an armchair as the Robot, wearing a black tie, offers his arm to the scientist's wife. She takes it and they exit. We see a clock. The hands spin. Years later, the scientist, now older, is still kicking back as an official enters.]

Official: Dr. Zenus, for a lifetime of scientific achievement, we present this award to... Your Robot!
 * [The official gives the Robot the trophy. A boy enters.]

Boy: Daddy, I love you!
 * [The boy turns away from the scientist and hugs the Robot.]

Dr. Daniel Zenus: If only I'd programmed the Robot to be more careful than I wished for! Robot, experience this tragic irony for me!
 * [The Robot buries his face in his hands.]

Robot: [extendedly] No!
 * [The scientist pops open a beer and takes a sip.]

Dr. Daniel Zenus: Ah!
 * [Back to scene. Bender is still relaxing. He pops open his own beer and takes a sip.]

Bender: Ah! Fry: Man, I wish we had a Robot to do stuff. Bender: I know, right?
 * [The Professor enters.]

Professor Farnsworth: Bender, thank God I found you in time! I need someone in the lab immediately to fold my new sweaters. Bender: I'm sorry. Do you see a Robot in this room named Folder?
 * [Bender laughs.]

Professor Farnsworth: Aw. Fortunately, I came prepared with a backup phrase. Bender, would you mind bending my new sweaters? Bender: Man, I'd call my lawyer if dialing on the phone wasn't such a hassle. ''[Moments later, Bender enters the lab and sees the two unfolded sweaters. He mutters.]'' Razzle, frazzle, stupid sweater! [Bender sees the replicator.] Ooh. Razzle, frazzle, duplicator! ''[Bender strokes his chin, conniving. He gets it up, puts it in his chest, presses the start button, and closes his chest door.]'' Now for some tasty matter! ''[He eats some and quickly gobbles a chair, a microscope, and a glass tank filled with white rats. UNKNOWN orifices glow UNKNOWN seen earlier. We hear a ding, he opens his chest door, and two 60%-scaled mini-Benders pop out.]'' Hi, fellas! I'm Bender. Mini-Bender: Go to hell, old man! Bender: I like your attitude. Let's party. But, first, fold these two sweaters. Mini-Bender: I'm sorry. Do you see a Robot in this room named Folder?
 * [The mini-Bender chuckles.]

Bender: Damn, you're cute.
 * [Scene: The Planet Express hangar. The next day, Hermes holds a clipboard supervising the crew as they load packages onto the ship. The three Benders enter.]

Bender: Hi. I'm Bender, this is my Robot, Bender, and this is my other Robot, Bender. Leela: Oh, Lord. Bender: They're 60%-scaled replicas of me, Bender. Leela: Does that mean they only do 60% of the work you do or that they actually do more work because they're only 60% as lazy?
 * [Bender pauses and counts in his fingers, humming.]

Bender: Shut up!
 * [A mini-Bender laughs.]

Mini-Bender: Good one.
 * [The Professor enters, wielding a hover cart of huge toiletries.]

Professor Farnsworth: Enough good ones, everyone. We have a delivery to an Alien space giant. Hermes: You'll have to be respectful. This customer is fifty-feel tall and sensitive about his appearance.
 * [Amy looks at items on the cart.]

Amy: Colossal tooth whitener, mega-deodorant, humongous acne cream, and... Aw, and one regular-sized condom. Bender: All that and a small wiener?! This guy's got it goin' on!
 * [The mini-Benders laugh.]

Section #2

 * [Scene: The Planet Express conference room. The crew is seated around the table, on which a mini-Bender finishes eating a golden crayon. Two golden, smaller Benders burst out of his chest cabinet, joining several others, who leap across the room. Leela, Fry, Zoidberg, Hermes, and Amy look at Bender discriminatingly.]

Bender: What? Hermes: This place is crawling with yous! Bender: So there's more Benders around. As far as I'm concerned, that's good news!
 * [The Professor enters.]

Professor Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone! Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.
 * [The holographic projector displays a formula. Amy and Hermes gasp.]

Fry: Don't wait for me. Professor Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent! Fry: Oh, dip! Professor Farnsworth: Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad infinitum and consume all the matter on Earth. [Everyone gasps as the projector illustrates the situation.] According to my calculations, there are 11 generations at the moment. [The Professor holds a mini-Bender with a pair of tweezers.] That's 2046 total Benders we need to destroy. Bender: Wait. Does that include me?
 * [The Professor shoots Bender and Bender screams.]

Section #3

 * [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The unattractive giant monster is facing the crew, gathered in the tower balcony, and is shot from behind.]

Unattractive giant monster: Hey! Ow!
 * [The shot is revealed to have come from a tank driven by Zapp and Kif, who look drunk.]

Zapp: Yo, freakshow! Your face has been declared a weapon of mass disgusting!
 * [Kif laughs.]

Kif: Timeless. Unattractive giant monster: Okay, deep breath, deep breath. ''[The monster takes two deep breaths and is shot again. He grabs a giant phone from his left pocket and makes a speed dial.]'' Dr. Lesterman? I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm close to a temper-control incident. Female voice: [on the phone] You have reached the office of Dr. Judy Lesterman and Dr. Ira Rodkiss. The office is now closed. If this is a pharmacy call&mdash;
 * [The monster shrieks and throws his phone at the tank, partially destroying it.]

Unattractive giant monster: That's it! I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but I... [The monster kicks a building, throws another to the sea, and turns to Zapp and Kif.] I will destroy you all. [The monster turns to the crew.] I won't stop until your whole planet is as ugly as you perceived me to be! Zapp: That will take a very long time.
 * [Kif laughs.]

Kif: Oh, God! Stop. Stop.
 * [Zapp and Kif jump out of the tank just before the monster smashes it. The monster continues destroying buildings. Seated on the couch in the employee lounge, Bender drinks from his pineapple glass as he watches the event live on TV. The monster can be seen from the window.]

Bender: Ah!