Transcript:The Mutants Are Revolting


 * [Opening Credits: 100.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express, meeting room.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We've been hired to make our 100th delivery.
 * [The crew cheers.]

Zoidberg: 100! Hermes: That's almost 10 per year. Bender: This calls for a party, baby. I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise!
 * [Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Today's specials, Fish N' Chimps.]

Elzar: [He pushes a on a cart.] Be very gentle, folks. This is the soufflé you'll be delivering to Mrs. Astor. Bender: Oh my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great soufflé, Elzar! Elzar: Whatever you do, don't drop it. [He holds up a bottle labeled ". Danger! Explosive!"] See, Mrs. Astor takes Nitroglycerine for her heart, and being a class act, she prefers it in soufflé form. [He lets a drop of nitroglycerine soak into the soufflé.] [Softly.] Bam.
 * [The crew gasps.]

Farnsworth: To prevent the soufflé from exploding, Bender will carry it. He's gyroscopically stable. '''
 * [Scene: Space. The ship is swerving through an asteroid belt. It is banking in every direction, with Bender moving with it to avoid damaging the soufflé. The ship gets free of the belt and clips a sign that says "Waldorf Asteroid". The ship to a rough landing, with the crew falling down the stairs, Bender still holding the soufflé upright.]

Farnsworth: Look, Mrs. Astor's mansion, just across that rickety rope bridge. [Part of the bridge falls off.] Amy: Wow, it's ricketier than it looks. You'd better try to jump it, Bender. Bender: Okay, let me back up for a running start. ''[He runs backwards, all the way around the asteroid, across the bridge, back to where he started. He then runs forwards, crossing the bridge and ends up near the crew again. He jumps across the gap. The rest of the crew walk up. Fry rings the doorbell.]'' Hobsie: [He opens the door.] I shall inform Mrs. Astor that the circus is in town.
 * [Cut to: Mrs. Astor's parlor.]

Hobsie: Your soufflé, Madam. Mrs. Astor: I shall take it here, under my fork.
 * [Bender uses his extensomatic arms to deliver the soufflé. He withdraws into his chest and the rest of the crew hides behind him. Mrs. Astor eats a bite.]

Zoidberg: Where the exploding? Hobsie: One does not explode Mrs. Astor's face. Mrs. Astor: I couldn't eat another bite. Hobsie?
 * [He places the leftovers into a room full of . An explosion is heard. Mrs. Astor walks up to the Professor.]

Mrs. Astor: Well done, sir. Have you a name? Farnsworth: Hubert Farnsworth, at your service. Mrs. Astor: A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years. Farnsworth: Yes, I have. Fry: And I'm his uncle! Mrs. Astor: How charmingly unconventional. Say, would you Farnsworths care to be my guests tomorrow at the Astor Endowment Fundraiser? All the best families will be there. Fry: We can take 'em.
 * ''[Scene: New New York Historical Society. Annual Astor Endowment Fundraiser. No, no , no service.
 * [Inside, The Professor, Fry and Leela are seated at a table. Mayor Poopenmeyer, Royalty girl, Calculon and Judge Whitey are also there.]

Mrs. Astor: [Narrating for an old black-and-white film.] On April 10, 2912, my late husband and I set off down aboard the Land Titantic, the largest street-going vessel ever built. ''[In the film, the Land Titanic takes off. People are watching it sail.]'' Just four days into her maiden voyage, as we approached, the line-liner struck a mailbox and went down. ''[In the film, we see one of the Land Titanic's wheels hit a mailbox. The ship starts falling through the street.]'' 2000 souls were lost that day, including my dear husband. In loving memory, I established the Mr. Astor Endowment, which this year supports the United Mutant Scholarship Fund. Fry: [to Leela] Mutants? That's the kind of thing you are. Leela: Shh. You know mutants aren't allowed on the surface. If anyone asks, say I'm an alien, remember? Fry: Right. You gonna finish that roll? Leela: Shh. Mrs. Astor: Now a short film about those pitiable creatures so in need of our charity. Narrator: Far beneath the everyday rumble of and {{w|poodle]} feet, there toil a downtrodden people even less well off than the upper middle class. [The film goes from a busy street to the sewers, where mutants are working.] The noble sewer mutants. For you see, generations of exposure to toxic sewage mutated them into horrific monsters! ''[Leela's parents, along with Dwayne, Vyolet, Raoul are shown on screen. Fry and the Professor scream.]'' Leela: Shut up! Narrator: These industrious, uh, people, I guess, maintain the various pipes and poop chutes that keep decent, above-ground society functioning. [More mutants are shown working on pipes and toilets.] And where do these proud toileteers learn their menial skills? At Brown University, the nation's premiere institute for lower learning. So please, give generously, knowing that some poor helpless mutant will thank you. Not in person, thank God! Leela: Well, that was disturbing. Mrs. Astor: Oh, I understand, dear. They are hideous. Leela: Look, I guess you mean well, but isn't that university just a tax-deductible sewer-cleaning service? Mrs. Astor: My dear, that school is about much more than sewer pipes. Leela: Really? Mrs. Astor: Well, it's also about keeping those filthy things busy. There are thousands of them down there, breeding like rats. Royalty girl: [To Calculon.] My great uncle once saw a rat. Mrs. Astor: If we don't keep them busy, they'll start jabbering on about equal rights in their ill-bred manner. Leela: Let's go. If I say one more thing, I might say it with my evening boot. Mrs. Astor: Well! Rarely have I never!
 * [Leela walks away.]

Fry: Please, don't blame Leela. She's just a little ill-bred. You know how mutants are.
 * [Everyone gasps. Leela stops abruptly.]

Mrs. Astor: You companion is a mutant? Fry: But if anyone asks, say she's an alien. Mrs. Astor: Help! Police!
 * [Leela is handcuffed by Smitty and URL.]

URL: You may have eluded the authorities, but don't nothing get by Mrs. Astor. ''[He and Smitty take Leela away. Leela: [Being led outside.] What's gonna happen to me? Smitty: Permanent deportation you mutant. URL: You going downtown, baby. Way down. [They drop Leela down a man-hole.]
 * [Scene: NNY Sewers. Leela is falling and screaming.]

Raoul Incoming!
 * [A frog-like mutant grabs Leela with his tongue.]

Leela: Thanks, Colonel. Colonel: Just doing my job, ma'am. [He salutes with his tongue.]
 * [Leela walks to her parents' house and rings the doorbell.] [Time Lapse. Leela is sitting on the couch.]

Leela: Oh, Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. [She pauses as her parents look shocked.] I'm sorry. Turanga Munda: It's okay, sweetie. Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole. Turanga Morris: What do ya say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake, and ice cream?
 * [Scene: The rest of the crew are in the hanger. The decorations are up but no one is partying.]

Bender: [He bursts out of a cooler.] Well, the bottom's all stocked with cheap stuff. Who's in the mood to party? [He waves Fry's arms around.] Whoo! Fry: Poor, Leela. I feel like I ruined her life. Hermes: You did ruin her life. Fry: You might be right, Hermes. Hermes: I am right. Fry: I almost feel like we should do something to help her. Hermes: We should do something! Fry: I don't care what you say, Hermes. Let's go.
 * ''[Scene: Citihall. The crew, minus Leela and Bender, are in Mayor Poopenmeyer's office.

Fry: Oh, mighty mayor. We're here about Turanga Leela. Poopenmeyer: You mean Leela? Fry: Right. I mean sure, she's a mutant, we've known that for years. But we kept it a secret because she's a fine, upstanding... Poopenmeyer: Wait. You knowingly attempted to harbor a mutant? Hermes: We did harbor a mutant! Uh-oh.
 * [Scene: NNY Sewers.]

Munda: Look, Leela, there's Old Filthful. ''[She points to a geyser. It shoots up sewage and mutants take pictures before being covered by the sewage.]'' Leela: Urgh! Morris: And there's the West Side Pipeway. [He points to some mutants working on a pipeline.] If those guys slack off for even a second, it could explode. [To the workers.] Hey, guys! This is my daughter, Leela.
 * [The workers give overlapping greetings seconds before being blasted away by sewage and sent downsteam.]

Morris: Well, they're with the chuds, now. Leela: These conditions are deplorable. I swear, I hate every single person on the surface for making us live like this.
 * [The crew hit the ground near her.]

Fry: Leela! Leela: What are you doing here? Amy: We were sentence to two weeks in the sewer for harboring a mutant.
 * [Zoidberg .]

Zoidberg: Three dollars at the drug store. Fry: I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people. Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a hump or a Zoidberg face. Zoidberg: Urgh! Leela: You wanna know what it's like to be a mutant? Jump in and go for a swim. Fry: I would, but I ate a bunch of potato salad, so... Leela: Yeah, that's what I thought. You are all surface.
 * [Scene: Planet Express, Hanger. Bender is getting ready for the party. He drinks some punch then adds Michael Collins Mix to it.]

Bender: Fry! Hermes! Where my humans at? Ah, who cares? It is on.
 * [He goes to the door and lets in the guests.]

Horrible Gelatinous Blob: Hedonism Bot: I trust the orgy pit has been scraped and buttered? Bender: You know it, and there's, too.
 * [Scene: NNY Sewers. The crew are walking through the sewers.]

Hermes: It's getting cold and smelly. My odor-eaters are going critical. [An attachment on his shoes is glowing brightly.] Zoidberg: Maybe we can plotz in that giant cockle. [He points to a bus.] Amy: Shmeepers, it's the Land Titanic, the biggest and onlyest land boat ever constructed..
 * [They start investigating inside.]

Hermes: This was one hell of a bus.
 * [The crew walks into a room, skeletons are still in their beds.]

Zoidberg: Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye. [He removes the skeleton.] Farnsworth: Zoidberg, show some respect! This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives. Amy: [off screen.] Hey, I found a safe!
 * [Cut to the Professor attempted to break the lock with a skull. The skull shatters.]

Farnsworth: It's coming loose. Hand me more of that cruise director. ''[Amy hands him a leg bone which he uses to pry off the lock. The door opens.]'' The original passenger manifests. [He hands them to Hermes.] Hermes: Spreadsheets were so elegant back then. Farnsworth: Just one other item. [He opens a case, revealing a priceless Quantum Gemerald.] Amy: It's jewelry. Jewelry! It's jewelry, people! Farnsworth: It's a priceless quantum-force gemerald. [He uses it to blast the cruise director, turning the skeleton to an ash stain on the wall.] Zoidberg: What's that enscibbled on it? Hermes: [He reads the inscription.] "My dear Mrs. Astor. My love for you is as unsinkable as this land ship and as brilliant as this stone. Dictated not read, Mr. Astor." Amy: Aw! That's so valuable. Fry: Yeah, I'll never know love like that. Leela hates me now. [He sniffles.] [Voice breaking.] Did you guys know I have a crush on Leela? [The Professor slaps him with the cruise director's arm.]
 * [Scene: Turanga House. The family is eating dinner.]

Munda: What's a matter, Leela? You've hardly touched your toilet clams. Leela: [She sighs.] Maybe I was too harsh on Fry. He didn't ruin my life on purpose. Morris: Things will work out, honey. Now here, have some more of what looks like. [He fills Leela's glass with a yellow liquid.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express. More party-goers are arriving. People are dancing inside. In the hanger, Bender is dancing with Lrrr, Hattie and Bubblegum.]

Bubblegum: Bender, I've been to wang dang doodles all up and down the galaxy, but this is the dangest wang I ever doodled. Bender: Oh, yeah! Come on baby, let's do it. [He backflips to the upper level and dances on the railing.] Shake your booty, baby. Come on, yeah! ''[He sees the picture of the crew posing for a commemorative photo celebrating the 100th delivery. Bender jumps down and unplugs the stereo. The DJ Robot and Fender both fall over.]'' Get out! Get out! It's not fun anymore! I wanna be alone! Hedonism Bot: Alone with me? Bender: I said scram, grapey! [Everyone leaves.] ''[Scene: Land Titanic. Fry is the only one still awake. He gets up and walks out of the bus.]'' Leela: Fry? What are you doing. Fry: [Taking off his clothes.] You were right. I don't know what it's like to be a mutant. But I want to know. Leela: Wait, I never meant for you to... [Fry jumps into the mutagenic lake.] Oh, no! ''[Time Lapse. She is rowing a boat to where Fry is.]'' Fry! Fry! No! No! ''[She reaches in and pulls something out. Fry has become a blob with three eyes and tentacles.]'' Fry: Any effect? Leela: [She starts to scream but stops and vomits into the lake.] Sorry. I tried to scream but I barfed.