Transcript:The Duh-Vinci Code


 * [Opening Credits: Put on 3-D monocle now.]
 * [Scene: Set of Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Morbo is seated in the center, surrounded by an audience.]
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Silence, puny audience. And welcome to Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, [Calmly] while I chitchat with out first contestant, Philip J. Fry.
 * [The audience applauds while Fry descends from the ceiling in a rocket powered chair. He waves. A sign reads: "applaud or be destroyed".]
 * Bender: [In audience.] Give him hell, Morbo!
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Prepare for pleasantries. [Calmly] So Fry, what do you do for a living?
 * Fry: Me? Um, can I phone a friend?
 * Morbo: [Angrily] Chitchat achieved! [Dramatic music plays, lights turn on and the game begins.] Are you ready to play?
 * Fry: I didn't come to play. I came to win. Not let's play.
 * Morbo: For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, A nail? C...
 * Fry: B, nail! final answer! [A buzzer sounds and Fry's chair blasts off.]
 * [Scene: Planet Express meeting room.]
 * Hermes: Sweet dodo of ! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak?
 * Fry: I never stop to think about it.
 * Leela: Aw, leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty.
 * [Hermes, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg all nod.]
 * Bender: [Pointing at Fry] You a big dummy!
 * Fry: Hey, I'm starting to think you all don't think I'm very smart.
 * Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name,.
 * Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember. ''[The Professor pokes him with the Fing-Longer. Ow!
 * Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative.
 * Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew!
 * Fry: [He sniffles] But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?
 * Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.
 * [Scene: Planet Express, The Professor's study.]
 * Farnsworth: All my life I've been inspired by great minds., , Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo Da Vinci. [He gestures to a bust of each.]
 * Fry: What turned them to stone?
 * Farnsworth: [He slaps his forehead and sighs] Da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor. [He pulls up the head of Da Vinci, revealing a button. He presses it. A shelf rises into the ceiling, revealing a lit cabinet with various sketches and models on shelves.] Voila! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines.
 * Fry: [He takes a beard from the cabinet] Uh-oh! Nibbler died in the wall.
 * Farnsworth: That's not Nibbler. That's my most precious possession. Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts. I suppose if I have an, it's because I bought it at that same auction. [He shows Fry a glass foot with a heel bone in it.]
 * Fry: [Wearing the beard] Indeed so. Most indeededly.
 * Farnsworth: Careful with that, you fool! [Fry sneezes, causing the beard to separate into individual hairs] No! No! But possibly yes. [A scroll is inside Fry's mouth]
 * Fry: What is it, Professor?
 * Farnsworth: [He unravels and unfolds the scroll] Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention. Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at least, neither do I!
 * Fry: Maybe we can figure it out?
 * Farnsworth: We? [He cackles insanely]
 * [Scene: Outside Planet Express.]
 * Fry: Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts. ''[He is run over by a hoverbus.
 * [Scene: Planet Express Meeting Room. Fry walks in, he is on crutches, has a broken leg and bandages wrapped around his head.]
 * Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.
 * Farnsworth: Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention.
 * Fry: Not even a card.
 * Farnsowrth: He might have hidden a clue in one of his other works. Ergo, I sent Bender out for a copy of the .
 * Bender: I'm back! Everyone at was an idiot, so I just brought the original. [He drags in a stone slab with the Last Supper on it.]
 * Zoidberg: and his.
 * Amy: [She points to something on the painting.] That's odd. This hand here doesn't belong to anybody. And it's pointing a knife at !
 * Bender: That's the great thing about that hand.
 * Hermes: [He points to a different part of the painting.] And what about these funky table legs? It's like their part of some other, funkier painting.
 * Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a.
 * Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that?
 * Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History.
 * Farnsworth: Let's see what hidden under the Last Supper. [He pressed a remote and a laser-like device descends from the ceiling. It fires at Hermes, allowing us to see through him.]
 * Hermes: Wait, I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat.
 * Farnsworth: [He nudges the machine.] My God! Look! [The crew gasps.]
 * Amy: My God! I'm looking!
 * [The table legs are revealed to be a wooden robot.]
 * Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot!
 * Zoidberg: My God! Da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.
 * Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery of all time. We must fly to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
 * Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
 * Farnsworth: To the ship!
 * [Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off into space, only to turn and land in Italy.]
 * [Scene: Rome. The ship flies past a sign that says "Future Roma" and go to the . The Space Pope signals them down. The ship lands on a monument.]
 * [Scene: Rome, Catacombs.]
 * Fry: Psst. Leela, wanna join the ?
 * Leela: Sure, why not?
 * Farnswoth: No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history. [Fry groans. They walk to a tomb.] Look at these.
 * Fry: Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome.
 * Farnsworth: [He hits Fry with a torch.] Don't be stupid. It's a long lost mathematical code. I'll need to consult these ancient writings. [He pulls out a book and blows the dust off it. It is .] Some preposterous hog-wash about the . Aha! The markings indicate how many paces we need to take. One ... Okay, we're there. [In front of them is a tomb that reads "JAMES". ]
 * Bender: Brothers and sisters, let us pry. [He pulls a out of his chest cabinet and opens the tomb. A robot is in there]
 * Farnsworth: It's true, Saint James really was a robot.
 * Bender: I bet he's up in Robot Heaven right now. So he won't miss his eyes. ''[He attempts to remove them with a.
 * ''[A mouse squeaks and runs into the wheel on Saint James' chest and begins running. Saint James stands up.
 * Fry: My God! Robot Saint James is a zombie.
 * Animatronio: Nay, I am not Saint James.
 * Bender: Enough of your lies, Saint James. We saw you in the Last Supper.
 * Animatronio: The great man Leonardo built me as an artist's model. When I took repose in this coffin, I carefully tossed the real Saint James in yonder heap. [A skeleton is nearby.] I'm sure you have many questions. Come, there is a chamber where I used to speak with Pope John the Patient.
 * [Scene: Underground Chamber.]
 * Animatronio: [He sighs. The Pope's skeleton is still seated in a chair, wearing his hat.] I told him I'd be back in five minutes. Ah well, he'll make a nice heap. [He dumps the body and sits in the chair himself.] I am Animatronio, guardian of da Vinci's great secret. He left my legs visible in the painting as a clue, then dispatched me hither to wait for his shadow society of intellectuals.
 * Fry: Hi, Animatronio.
 * Farnsworth: You personally knew da Vinci? [He gives a fan-girlish squeal.] Was he nice? How did his hair smell? And on a personal note, what is the function of this device? [He shows the plans.]
 * Animatronio: Halt! You do not know the function of the Machina Magnifica? Then thou art not members of the Shadow Society. [He takes the plans.]
 * Bender: The what now?
 * Animatronio: Not one more word shall I breathe. Not even about the great fountain where thou mayest find the... Wait. Thou didst not know about the fountain, didst thou? Curses, I must be punished. [He begins flaying himself.]
 * Farnswoth: Quick, we must find out what he knows before he flays himself to death!
 * Leela: Where is the great fountain?
 * Fry: What makes it so great?
 * Bender: Why does a robot need a ?
 * Animatronio: Fie, thou fen-suckled bum-bailey! Thou wilst never pry information from these mechanical lips!
 * Leela: Just tell us, already!
 * Animatronio: Okay, the fountain thou seekest is... [He groans and falls over.]
 * Farnsworth: And so dies our hope of solving this mystery. Come on gang, let's go home. Wait! Let's not give up so easily. Animatronio mentioned a fountain. [He looks at a statue.] That's a statue of, god of water. The number of points on him trident is three, or trey. The "u" in his name is written like "v". Trey, "v". Trevi! It's the . There can be no question!
 * Leela: But, Professor...
 * Farnsworth: There can be no question!
 * [Scene: Trevi Fountain]
 * Fry: Wow, it hasn't changed in a thousand years. [Tentacles reach out of the water and grab a man posing for a picture.]
 * Farnsworth: Okay, everyone, into the fountain.
 * Bender: What are you, ? I'm not jumping in there.
 * Fry: Hey, look. Coins.
 * Bender: [He jumps into the fountain. Before he can grab the change, a comes out of a cave. The squid and Bender struggle then both pull out pistols. Gunshots can be heard from the surface. The dead Squid floats up.] I got 48 cents. There's one more nickel, and it's a big one! [He floats down and pulls at the nickel. It is actually a plug keeping water in the fountain. The water starts to drain, taking Bender with it.]''
 * Farnsworth: Quickly, into the sewer hole. [He and Fry jump in.]
 * Leela: Why? [She is pulled under by the Professor. A hooded figure selling notices and follows them.]
 * ''[Scene: Sewer. The four of them are shooting through the pipes then land in a small room. The squid comes next and stops the water flow.]]
 * Fry: [Looking through a window.] What's this dump? [They are surrounded by .]
 * ''[Scene:
 * Farnsworth: My god! It's the Pantheon!
 * Leela: This place is 3,000 years old. What could possibly be left to discover?
 * Farnsworth: Maybe something about ourselves, Leela. Wait! What's under that blanket? [Fry removes it to reveal a statue of the .] My God! Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man!
 * Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye straight to his dong.
 * Farnsworth: [The hooded figure appears and shoots a dart at the Professor.] Say, what's this? [He moves in time for the dart to miss him and hit Bender's eye.]
 * Bender: Anyone hear something?
 * Farnsworth: It's a coin slot. Bender, insert that giant nickel.
 * Bender: Sure. [He has the nickel on a piece of string. He inserts it and takes his entire arm with it.] Ow!
 * Farnswoth: Hush, Bender. [The statue realigns itself.] What's your game Vitruvian Man? [The statue turns on it side and rolls along the floor. The floor divides behind the statue. Leela scrambles to get to the Professor. A workshop is revealed.]] I withdraw the question, Vitruvian Man.
 * [Scene: Da Vinci's Workshop]
 * Farnsworth: Da Vinci's lost workshop!
 * Fry: At the risk of sounding stupid, do these things actually work?
 * Farnsworth: Of course not, stupid! [He gestures to a flying machine] I mean that flying machine is as aerodynamic as a sofa. How could it possibly get off the ground?
 * Animatronio: In a way that shalt never discover. ''[Everyone but Fry gasps].
 * Fry: Hi, Animatronio.
 * Animatronio: I feign death and stalk thee, that I might preserve the greatest of Leonardo's secrets! [He throws a and it lands on Bender's empty arm socket. Bender hits him with the handle of the mace.]
 * Bender: All right, buddy, we want secrets! And they better be ancient!
 * Animatronio: Never shall I reveal how these wonderous machines fit together!
 * Farnsworth: They fit together?
 * Animatronio: I said no such thing. And then I died! [He groans and collapses. He opens his eye then shuts it again.]
 * Fry: [Sitting in the chair of the flying machine] You're right, Professor. This thing doesn't fly.
 * Farnsworth: Don't sit in there, you idiot! That's dangerous! [He sits on a catapult and gets shot into a series of tubes that directs him into the co-pilot's seat.] Wha? [The machine is lifted up and glass is placed on top of their heads, creating a sealed cockpit. Several more machines go off and the ship is loaded into a cannon.] No wonder this contraction isn't aerodynamic! It's not an aircraft, it's a spacecraft! [The cannon is pointed to a gap in the ceiling.]
 * Animatronio: As I live, thou shan't discover the great secret! [He works a until it is pointed at the spacecraft. Bender and Leela tackle him. The ballista falls and fires at a lever. The spacecraft is shot into the air.]
 * Fry: Bye, Animatronio!
 * [Scene: Space. Pieces of the spacecraft fall off and the wings start beating.]
 * [Time Lapse: One Month Later] [The spacecraft nears a planet.]
 * [Time Lapse] [The spacecraft lands in a forest.]
 * Farnsworth: My God! Why would Leonardo's invention have brought us here?
 * Fry: I don't know. Let's ask this guy. [A man is standing in front of them.]
 * Leonardo da Vinci: I am Leonardo. [They gasp.] Welcome to Planet Vinci.
 * Farnsworth: My God!