Transcript:A Clockwork Origin

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Transcript for
A Clockwork Origin
Written by	Dan Vebber
Transcribed by	Teyrn of Highever

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[Opening Credits: This time, it's personal.]

[Scene: Planet Express, Meeting Room. The crew are sitting at the table.]

[Hermes]: Item one... Duck! [Most duck just in time, but Bender is clipped by Cubert on a party board.

Prof. Farnsworth: Cubert, you crapscallion! What aren't you in school?

Cubert: I couldn't get past the protesters. A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these anti-evolution flyers.

[He shows the Professor one. It shows a woman spanking a man wearing a dunce cap that says "Darwin". It reads, "Teach truth, not evolution. Also bring back spanking".]

Farnsworth: [He gasps.] Evolution is under attack at our schools? To the science mobile.

Leela: You mean the ship?

Farnsworth: Yes. The science mobile!

Leela It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay.

[Scene: Wozniak Nerd Academy. The ship passes a sign that says "Go Flinchers!" It lands.]

Woman: I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers!

[The crowd listening cheers]

Farnsworth: [Walking to the podium.] You people are as loud as you are ignorant. Now, get back on your turnip trucks and go home!

[The crowd boos.]

Hydroponic Farmer: [Standing in front of a turnip truck.] That is an insulting accurate stereotype, sir!

Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.

Dr. Banjo: I can't speak for you, sir, but mine ancestors were not monkeys. They were orangutans. Hard-working, patriotic orangutans.

'[An orangutan walks up from the crowd. He is wearing a suit and glasses.]

Farnsworth: Dr. Banjo?

Dr. Banjo: In the fur. And I remind you that evolution is merely a theory. Like gravity, or the shape of the Earth.

[The crowd cheers again.]

Flying Spaghetti Monster: Hey, Professor, I'm a Flying Spaghetti Monster. You seriously saying that I descended from some kind of flightless manicotti?

Farnsworth: Yes!

Banjo: Oh, please. A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of Creatureism. All life was created in its present form seven thousand years ago, by a fantastical creature from outer space!

Farnsworth: Bunk!

Banjo: Oh! [He shows a hologram of a man and a Chimpanzee, with a backwards prohibition sign running through an arrow.] If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes?

Farnsworth: We did find it! [The arrow is replaced by Homo erectus.] It's called Homo erectus!

Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus. [The arrow is put between before Homo erectus.]

Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in again.] It's called Homo habilis!

Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis.

Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in.] It's called Australopithicus africanus!

Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! [Time Lapse. The hologram now shows 19 different species of ape. Only Fry and Leela are still there.] Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor!

Farnsworth: Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

Banjo: [He scoffs.] Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!

[Scene: [[Oldluvial Gorge. A sign reads "Welcome to Olduvial Gorge. Birthplace of Ryan Seacreast (and the rest of humanity). The crew are excavating.]

Farnsworth: I'll show that banana-swilling, poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link.

Leela: I found a missing link. It seems to be half-man, half-toucan. [She shows a skull with a large beak.]

Farnsworth: Not what we're looking for. Throw it in the soup! [She throws it in a pot.]

Hermes: And here's something. [He holds up a fossilized dog] Uh-oh. It's another one of Fry's dogs.

Fry: Did you say something, Hermes?

Hermes: [Hiding the fossil behind his back.] Nothing. [The dog lands in the soup.]

Amy: I hate chiseling right after a manicure. Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers!

Zoidberg: [He and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.] Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! [Cubert looks at him, deadpan.] What, too soon?

Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.

Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.

Bender: Hey, look! I found a robot fossil! [He picks up a spring.]

Farnsworth: That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils!

Bender: What? Who says I didn't evolve?

Farnsworth: Everybody! Robots were invented quite recently. It was in all the papers.

Bender: Then explain this! [He turns around and works on something. He turns around and shows the Professor. He has put eyes on the spring and mounted it on a plaque that says "I hate Mondays".]

[Time Lapse.]

Farnsworth: I've hit a rich vein of missing links. Java Man, Piltdown Man, Manfred Mann. [He throws out the skulls as he names them.] Eureka! [He is holding a skull.] It's the elusive missing missing link! This will show Banjo, once and for all!

[The crew cheers from nearby, where they are eating their soup.]

Fry: [He scoops up some soup. Amy's finger is in the spoon.] What the...

Amy: Oh, that's mine. [She takes it back.]

[Scene: NNY. Museum of Natural History. A banner reads "World Bone Premiere".]

Bender: [He walks up to the Professor, wearing an under-sized Tuxedo.] Hmm, my tux doesn't fit. Probably because I've grown so much since I last wore it, or evolved, one much say.

Farnsworth: One might not say that. Your tux doesn't fit is because you stole it from a boy!

Bender: You mean a man! It was his Bar Mitzvah.

Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. [The crowd chuckles weakly.]

Zoidberg: [To Cubert.] He's good.

Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth. [A curtain rises, revealing the skull and an artist's recreation of the hominid.]

Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end.

Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!

[The Professor does a spit take His dentures land in a painting of a Tarsier].

Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution. [He pulls a cord and a painting of Homo farnsworth riding a dinosaur is revealed.] Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.

Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off.]

[Scene: Deep Space.]

Farnsworth: Faster! faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.

[Scene: Robot Planetoid.]

Leela: Wow, this planetoid is completely lifeless.

Farnsworth: Not lifeless enough! Set up my shack so that I can kick you out of it!

[Hermes sets down a container labeled "Blow Shack" and pulls the cord. The shack pops up and sends Hermes flying.]

Fry: [Looking at a polluted pond.] Professor, is this your only water source? It looks like Diet Dr. Pepper.

Farnsworth: It's not that bad. It's just laden with toxic minerals. But not for long. [He rattles a tube.]

Fry: What's in the tube?

Farnsworth: Microscopic Nanobots. [He empties the tube. The robots quickly start cleaning the water.] They're tiny robots I designed to eat up nasty irritants.

Fry: Speaking of nasty irritants, what's going to become of Cubert?

Farnsworth: Who? Oh, my son. Don't worry, he's been safely abandoned with his godfather.

[Scene: Planet Express. Cubert and Dr. Zoidberg are sitting at a table.]

Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.

Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell!

Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they?

[Scene: Robot Planetoid.]

Hermes: [He walks out of the Professor's shack.] Okay, I finished moving the last grand piano. Now can we have our pizza?

Farnsworth: You'll get your damned pizza, you parasite! First, let me see if my Nanobots have purified the water yet. [He pours some water from an Erlenmeyer flask on to a microscope slide and examines it.] Ah, the water's as sterile as my milkman-trusting father. But what's this? The Nanobots have gotten more complex.

Bender: What's that you say? Those robots have evolved all by themselves, you say?

Farnsworth: It wasn't by themselves! I put them there. I'm a genius. Get over it!

Amy: Hey look, now they gotten bigger. [The robots are coming onshore.]

Farnsworth: Good heavens! Trilobots!

[The Trilobots cannibalize the ship while the crew look on in shock.]

Leela: Oh no! My sunglasses were in there!

[Time lapse. The Trilobots attack the crew.]

Hermes: Let's get the pizza out of here. [Hermes runs off with the pizza. The crew follows. The Trilobots cannibalize everything, including the Professor's shack and the piano inside.]

Amy: Look, there's a cave-like hole in that mountain. It might be a cave. [The crew runs into the cave and blocks the door with a boulder.]

Leela: Does anyone have a lighter?

Bender: Hang on. [He opens a beer and drinks. He burps and adjusts the flame.]

Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.

Hermes: It's pizza time. [He passes boxes to the rest of the crew.]

Amy: Pineapple?

Hermes: So much for that. [They all throw away the pizza.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Cubert's room.]

Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. [He points to a crude drawing of himself and Cubert in costume.] This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working?

Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt!

Zoidberg: [Sadly.] Father-Man away. [Cubert looks ashamed.]

[Scene: Robot Planetoid. The crew is waking up.]

Hermes: Nothing like a cave for a good night's sleep. So what do we have to eat that's not poisoned with pineapple?

Farnsworth: I packed plenty of food, but it's all in dehydrated pill form. [He holds up a bottle that says "Steak Diner 40mg. Fixin's 10mg".]

Leela: Then we need water from that pond. We'll have to fight our way past the Trilobots. [Bender moves the boulder.] Go! Go! Hit anything that moves1

[The crew rushes out, Karate-chopping the non-existent enemies. They all fall into a pile. They get up and take in their surroundings.]

Fry: Whoa.

Bender: Wow.

Amy: An entire forest grew overnight.

Farsworth: [He knocks on a tree. It is metal and hollow.] These trees are robotic. I can't believe how quickly they sprung up.

Bender: I can. Robots do everything faster. Including evolving and believing how quickly things spring up.

Leela: [She gets water from the pond and re-hydrates the pill. It turns into a steak.] One this about Bristol-Myers Squibb, they know how to cook a steak. [She takes a bite.]

Fry: [In the pond, using a robotic leaf as a boat.] Look at me, I'm the Ty-D-Bol man. I own a yacht an everyone poops on me. [He is attacked by a robotic Plesiosaurs.] Help! Police!

Leela: Everybody grab a club. [The rest of the crew starts hitting the robot.]

Fry: [The robot throws opens its mouth and Fry hits the ground, several feet away.] Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and... [A robotic T-Rex grabs him in its jaws.]

Amy: Look out for the next thing!

[A robotic Triceratops rams the T-Rex. The T-Rex robot falls into the water and the Triceratops turns on the crew.]

Farnsworth: Great Scott, Tricycle-tops!

[The two robot dinosaurs in the pond attack each other.]

Fry Woo-hoo! Throw down dinosaurs of the land and sea. [Something crows and Fry screams. A robot Pterosaur carries him off.] This is a cool way to die!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express.]

Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser. [Zoidberg comes out of his dumpster.]

Zoidberg: Go on.

Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism.

Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? [He laughs.]

Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit.

[Brett's insides start boiling and he pushes himself through a fence, coming towards Cubert. Cubert sees this and backs away, whimpering.]

Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? [He bursts into tears.]

Brett: [He laughs.] The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.

Zoidberg: And that's that.

Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi.

Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? [He opens the other lid.] I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it.

[Scene: Robot Planetoid. Fry is being taken to the robot Pterosaur's nest.]

Fry: [Trying to avoid the babies Pterosaurs.] Ah! Don't eat my butt!

[The others are crawling in the brush, trying to get to Fry.]

Leela: If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us.

[The robot T-rex and another dinosaur attack them. Fry is still trying not to be eaten. The sun flares.]

Farnsworth: Look out, a solar flare!

[An energy wave hits the Planetoid, turning Fry's hair into an afro and short-circuiting the robots.

Amy: What the shmell happened?

Farnsworth: A mass extinction. [Fry lands unceremoniously near them.] That solar flare created a huge Electromagnetic pulse that while harmless to organic life, short-circuited the robo-dinosaurs.

Leela: Convenient

Farnsworth: Only puny, mammal-like robots cowering in caves could survive such a catatrophe.

[Bender takes this moment to move the boulder and leave the cave. He is wearing a scarf. Guys, guys! I taught myself to knit.]

Farnsworth: Wait a moment. If we could scavenge the right parts from these robo-dinos, I might be able to construct a rudimentary spaceship to get us off this planet!

[Time Lapse. The crew is standing in front of a spaceship.]

Farnsworth: Oh, well, it took almost two hours, but it's finished. [The crew cheers.] Now let's go... to sleep. It's solar powered, so we can't take off until sunrise.

Bender: Well, let's find something comfy to bed down on. [Time Lapse. Bender is sleeping on top of Fry, Hermes, and the Professor.]

[Nearby, Leela and Amy are kidnapped by unknown robots. The rest take no notice, with Bender fluffing his Fry-pillow and turning over.]

[Closing Credits.]

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