Transcript:A Clockwork Origin
Revision as of 03:20, 12 March 2011 by Teyrn of Highever (talk | contribs)
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| Transcript for | |
| A Clockwork Origin | |
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| Written by | Dan Vebber |
| Transcribed by | Teyrn of Highever |
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- [Opening Credits: This time, it's personal.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, Meeting Room. The crew are sitting at the table.]
- [Hermes]: Item one... Duck! [Most duck just in time, but Bender is clipped by Cubert on a party board.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Cubert, you crapscallion! What aren't you in school?
- Cubert: I couldn't get past the protesters. A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these anti-evolution flyers.
- [He shows the Professor one. It shows a woman spanking a man wearing a dunce cap that says "Darwin". It reads, "Teach truth, not evolution. Also bring back spanking".]
- Farnsworth: [He gasps.] Evolution is under attack at our schools? To the science mobile.
- Leela: You mean the ship?
- Farnsworth: Yes. The science mobile!
- Leela It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay.
- [Scene: Wozniak Nerd Academy. The ship passes a sign that says "Go Flinchers!" It lands.]
- Woman: I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers!
- [The crowd listening cheers]
- Farnsworth: [Walking to the podium.] You people are as loud as you are ignorant. Now, get back on your turnip trucks and go home!
- [The crowd boos.]
- Turnip Farmer: [Standing in front of a turnip truck.] That is an insulting accurate stereotype, sir!
- Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.
- 'Dr. Banjo: I can't speak for you, sir, but mine ancestors were not monkeys. They were orangutans. Hard-working, patriotic orangutans.
- '[An orangutan walks up from the crowd. He is wearing a suit and glasses.]
- Farnsworth: Dr. Banjo?
- Dr. Banjo: In the fur. And I remind you that evolution is merely a theory. Like gravity, or the shape of the Earth.
- [The crowd cheers again.]
- Flying Spaghetti Monster: Hey, Professor, I'm a [[flying spaghetti monster {species)|flying spaghetti monster]]. You seriously saying that I descended from some kind of flightless manicotti?
- Farnsworth: Yes!
- Banjo: Oh, please. A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of Creatureism. All life was created in its present form seven thousand years ago, by a fantastical creature from outer space!
- Farnsworth: Bunk!
- Banjo: Oh! [He shows a hologram of a man and a Chimpanzee, with a backwards prohibition sign running through an arrow.] If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes?
- Farnsworth: We did find it! [The arrow is replaced by Homo erectus.] It's called Homo erectus!
- Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus. [The arrow is put between before Homo erectus.]
- Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in again.] It's called Homo habilis!
- Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis.
- Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in.] It's called Australopithicus africanus!
- Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! [Time Lapse. The hologram now shows 19 different species of ape. Only Fry and Leela are still there.] Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor!
- Farnsworth: Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist!
- Banjo: [He scoffs.] Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!
- [Scene: [[Oldluvial Gorge. A sign reads "Welcome to Olduvial Gorge. Birthplace of {{w|Ryan Seacreast} (and the rest of humanity). The crew are excavating.]
- Farnsworth: I'll show that {{w|banana))-swilling, poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link.
- Leela: I found a missing link. It seems to be half-man, half-toucan. [She shows a skull with a large beak.]
- Farnsworth: Not what we're looking for. Throw it in the soup! [She throws it in a pot.]
- Hermes: And here's something. [He holds up a fossilized dog] Uh-oh. It's another one of Fry's dogs.
- Fry: Did you say something, Hermes?
- Hermes: [Hiding the fossil behind his back.] Nothing. [The dog lands in the soup.]
- Amy: I hate chiseling right after a manicure. Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers!
- Zoidberg: [He and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.] Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! [Cubert looks at him, deadpan.] What, too soon?
- Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.
- Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.
- Bender: Hey, look! I found a robot fossil! [He picks up a spring.]
- Farnsworth: That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils!
- Bender: What? Who says I didn't evolve?
- Farnsworth: Everybody! Robots were invented quite recently. It was in all the papers.
- Bender: Then explain this! [He turns around and works on something. He turns around and shows the Professor. He has put eyes on the spring and mounted it on a plaque that says "I hate Mondays".]
- [Time Lapse.]
- Farnsworth: I've hit a rich vein of missing links. Java Man, Piltdown Man, Manfred Mann. [He throws out the skulls as he names them.] Eureka! [He is holding a skull.] It's the elusive missing missing link! This will show Banjo, once and for all!
- [The crew cheers from nearby, where they are eating their soup.]
- Fry: [He scoops up some soup. Amy's finger is in the spoon.] What the...
- Amy: Oh, that's mine. [She takes it back.]
- [Scene:
- [Closing Credits.]
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