Transcript:A Clone of My Own
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|A Clone of My Own|
|Written by||Patric M. Verrone|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Coming Soon To An Illegal DVD.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table. Farnsworth walks in with a sheet of paper.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all.
Leela: Whatever you did, Professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
Farnsworth: Yes, but they won't listen. Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far.
- [Scene: The ship flies towards Mars and cruises over the Mars University sign.]
- [Cut to: Mars University Car Park. The ship lands in the car park.]
- [Scene: Mars University: Hallowed Hall. Farnsworth stands before several Mars University staff members under a spotlight. He wears a top hat and they are dressed in maroon gowns and hats.]
Vernon: Professor Farnsworth, do you know why we've called you here today?
Farnsworth: Listen to me, you pompous frauds. If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth: It was you driving your hover-car that night, not your horse. Dean Epsilon, I know all about your "Department of Pool Boy Studies". And Dr. Wernstrom ... Wernstrom!
Vernon: Actually, Professor, we merely called you here to say... [The lights come on.] Surprise!
- [The room is filled with formally-dressed people. To one side a band is ready to play and Farnsworth is in the middle of the room. Behind the university staff "Happy Birthday" is displayed on a big, round screen.]
Man #1: Surprise!
Man #2: Happy birthday!
- [Behind Farnsworth the Planet Express staff hold a banner reading "Happy Sesquicentennial Professor Farnsworth!"]
- [Farnsworth ignores them.]
Farnsworth: And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say "Coach hairpiece"?
Leela: No, Professor! It's a surprise party for your 150th birthday.
Farnsworth: [muttering] Hundred and ... what? [He smiles.] Ooh!
- [Time Lapse. The Planet Express staff sit where the university staff were sat. Bender takes Dean Vernon's place. The screen displays a picture of Farnsworth. Bender plugs a mic into himself.]
Bender: Good evening, I'm-- [Feedback. He turns the knob on the side of his casing.] Whoa, sorry. I'm Bender and I'll be emceeing this roast. Y'know, they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here's the Professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster.
- [Zoidberg takes Bender's place and appears on the screen.]
Zoidberg: Good evening, ladies and germs. [The band plays a rimshot.] That wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean Streptococcus. [In the audience a big green germ waves.] Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon. [He grins. There is no rimshot and the audience don't laugh. A man drums his fingers on the table.] Hey, Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.
- [He sits down. Bender gets back up.]
Bender: Where would the Professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there! [He points at Farnsworth and chuckles.] But seriously, of all the former crew members of the Professor's delivery ship, our next speaker is by far the most alive. Captain Musky?
- [A man who is a dead ringer for the wheelchair-bound Captain Pike from Star Trek takes the mic. His wheelchair beeps once and the audience howls with laughter. Zoidberg turns to Dean Vernon.]
Zoidberg: I wouldn't wanna follow that guy!
- [Bender laughs.]
Bender: And now, a man who needs no introduction. [He sits down and everyone looks around in confusion, Leela to her right and Zoidberg to the ceiling. Bender leans over to Fry.] [whispering] Fry, get up there!
Fry: Oh. [He takes the mic and the audience applauds.] Thank you. Y'know, when I was first asked to make a film about my nephew, Professor Farnsworth, I thought "Why should I?" Then later Leela made the film. But if I had made the film, you could bet there would have been a lot more topless women on motorcycles! [Farnsworth smiles.] Roll film!
- [He sits down, the lights dim and behind him the film counts down in AL1. The title Hubert Farnsworth: A Living Obituary appears on the screen and it changes to a view of New New York City in the 29th century.]
Leela: [voice-over; in movie] Hubert J. Farnsworth was born April 9th 2851 in New New York's nerdiest slum, Hell's Laboratory. A precocious child, young Hubert learned to read while he was still in diapers -- at age 8. [A photo of young Farnsworth sitting reading a book on some steps in diapers appears on the screen.] And before long he blossomed into a greasy teenager.
- [A picture of Farnsworth dressed in a Dungeon Master T-shirt appears. Fry points at the screen.]
Fry: [whispering] Dork alert!
Leela: [voice-over; in movie] After 14 years of graduate school, Farnsworth settled into the glamorous life of a scientist: Fast cars, trendy nightspots, beautiful women -- the Professor designed them all working out of his tiny, one-room apartment. [The pictures appear on a blackboard in his apartment.] For 50 years he worked at Mom's Friendly Robot Company, where he created the first robot capable of qualifying for a boat loan. [There is a short video clip of the robot buying its boat. The picture changes to Farnsworth tinkering with Bender's head.] And even as he nears his 150th birthday, the Professor retains the fiery passion of youth.
- [The picture changes to Farnsworth a few minutes before.]
Farnsworth: [in movie] Listen, you pompous frauds. If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.
- [The picture freezes and is followed by the caption "Hubert J. Farnsworth. To Be Continued...?" The picture ends and everyone applauds. Farnsworth looks away from the screen sadly.]
Bender: How 'bout a few words, Professor?
Farnsworth: Eh, wha?
Bender: I said "words".
- [Farnsworth stands up and the audience applauds.]
Farnsworth: Uh, what a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a 3-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time.
- [He sits down and hangs his head. Bender applauds.]
Bender: Funny, funny stuff.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth sits glumly on the couch with the rest of the staff surrounding him.]
Farnsworth: My life is over.
Leela: No, it isn't. You have another 10 years left.
Fry: Leela! He could live another 100 years!
- [He winks theatrically.]
Leela: No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet and you never return.
Fry: Wow, a whole planet of old people. Where is it?
Bender: [spookily] Nobody knows!
Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
- [He points to a cobweb-covered contraption in the corner.]
Zoidberg: If only it'd worked, you could go back and not waste your time on it.
Farnsworth: There's no one to carry on after I'm gone. No one to take care of my work and my research and my fabulous fortune. [He gasps.] By God, that's it! I've got to name a successor.
Fry: A successor?
Zoidberg: A successor to the Professor?
Farnsworth: There's no time to lose. I'm off to my lab to build a successor-naming machine!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Everyone except Farnsworth is at the table.]
Fry: Man, the Professor's been in his lab for days.
Bender: I hope he didn't die. Unless he left a note naming me his successor. Then I hope he did die.
Zoidberg: You? The successor? Over my empty shell! The Professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.
- [He clacks his claws.]
Hermes: Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams things. The only sensible way to choose a successor is with a limbo contest.
Hermes: Kingston rules. Two men go down, one come up.
- [He gets up off his chair and limbos towards the kitchen.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. He limbos underneath the oven. Leela puts a bin in front of it and leans against it.]
Leela: Look, the Professor trusts me with a giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust the rest of you with his dentures.
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy has Farnsworth's dentures in her mouth.]
Amy: Yesh, he would.
Fry: Sorry, everyone, but need I remind you? Blood is thicker than water.
Zoidberg: [writing] Blood ... thicker ... water.
- [Scene: Planet Express Corridor. On the lab door is a sign reading "Mice Please Enter Through Maze". Farnsworth's monogrammed towel hangs on a rail to the side.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff are all assembled.]
Farnsworth: Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement. So anyone with a weak heart should leave now. Goodbye.
- [He turns to leave.]
Leela: Uh, Professor?
Farnsworth: Oh, oh, yes, the announcement! As you all know, I am not long for this world.
Leela: Yes, we know.
Hermes: True, mon.
Fry: One foot in the grave.
Farnsworth: So I've picked my successor. It's someone in whom I have great faith -- even though his mind is undeveloped and he's accomplished nothing. [Fry flexes his fingers and chuckles.] My closest living relative.
Fry: Oh, yeah!
Farnsworth: My clone, Cubert Farnsworth.
- [Fry gasps and Farnsworth throws a huge switch. Electrical gadgets fizzle and a huge glass tank slides up along the wall. The lights go on and the staff gaze at a chubby orange-haired boy suspended in the tank. They gasp.]
Zoidberg: He's horrible!
Fry: Crud. Can I at least be in charge of your dentures?
Amy: You wish!
Fry: Where did Cubert come from?
Farnsworth: 12 years ago I began the cloning process by removing some skin cells from one of the shapelier growths on my back.
Leela: Wait. If he's your clone, why doesn't his nose look like yours?
Farnsworth: I left him in his first tube too long and he got squished up against the side.
Bender: Is he dumb or just ugly?
Farnsworth: Let's find out.
- [He presses a button and the water drains out of the tank. Cubert coughs and splutters. The crew stare at him.]
Cubert: What? You've never seen a genius's wiener before?
Fry: Well, once in the park.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar roof is open and Leela works on the ship in a hover-cradle. Fry and Bender roll pennies against the wall. Fry grumbles. Zoidberg takes a ketchup sachet out of a box, opens it and sucks the ketchup out.]
- [Cubert walks into the hangar from the lab.]
Cubert: As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called "crew", if it can so be called. First of all, Dr. Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?
Zoidberg: I lost it ... in a volcano.
Cubert: And why do we need a bending robot around here anyway? What possible use do we have for you?
Bender: Uh ... me no speaka the English.
Cubert: And why does our space pilot have only one eye? There's someone I'd like you to meet. His name is depth perception!
- [He laughs.]
Leela: Why, you little--
- [She takes a swipe at him but misses.]
Cubert: Wow, that hurt -- the air!
Bender: Im pending para un bending!
- [Farnsworth leans over the railings.]
Farnsworth: Oh, Cubert, come in here. I have something amazing to show you.
Cubert: What is it? A competent employee? I doubt that very much!
- [He laughs and leaves. The crew mutter and grumble.]
Fry: Little twerp.
Bender: Aye, Chihuahua!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Farnsworth and Cubert stand among Farnsworth's countless inventions.]
Farnsworth: As my successor, I'm trusting you to carry on my work. These are just some of the half-finished inventions you'll spend your life finishing.
- [Cubert looks at the Smellescope.]
Cubert: I didn't realise you were the inventor of the junk heap.
Farnsworth: That's my prize-winning Smellescope. If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be out of the loop. [He points at a green machine with an oscilloscope built into it.] And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
Universal Translator: Bonjour!
Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!
Cubert: Don't you have any worthwhile inventions?
Farnsworth: Why, certainly. Step over here.
- [Scene: Outside Ship. The ship flies away from Earth. Cubert and Farnsworth stand on the hull near the engines.]
Farnsworth: These are the dark matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours.
Cubert: That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light.
Farnsworth: Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.
Cubert: Also impossible.
- [Scene: Ships Engine Room. Farnsworth admires the dark matter engines.]
Farnsworth: And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner which delivers 200% fuel efficiency.
Cubert: That's especially impossible.
Farnsworth: Not at all. It's very simple.
Cubert: Then explain it.
Farnsworth: Now that's impossible. It came to me in a dream and I forgot it in another dream.
Cubert: Your explanations are pure weapons-grade bolog-nium. It's all impossible.
Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
Cubert: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.
- [Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The Planet Express staff and Cubert are in the middle of their meal. Bender looks around and sees Elzar talking to some other diners.]
Bender: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's Elzar, the TV chef! Oh, kill me now, people!
- [Elzar joins them.]
Elzar: How we doing here?
Bender: Oh, Elzar, everything's so good!
Elzar: What are you, an ass-kissing machine?
Bender: Yes, sir! Good one, sir!
- [Elzar leaves.]
Farnsworth: Oh, it's a gem of an evening. I feel so wonderful having someone to take over my life's work. And it's all thanks to Cubert.
Cubert: Look, Professor, I may be identical to you in every possible way but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you.
Farnsworth: You ... wha?
Cubert: I don't wanna be an inventor. I wanna be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science-fiction cartoon writer.
Farnsworth: But-But what about my hopes and my dreams and my wonderful inventions?
Cubert: In your entire life your only half-decent invention was me and I didn't turn out like you wanted either.
- [Farnsworth looks away from Cubert and a tear trickles down his face. The others look on sadly. Elzar appears in the doorway.]
Elzar: You folks still doing alright?
Bender: Oh, yes, Elzar.
Elzar: Good, 'cause it turns out I forgot to cook that chicken.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. A storm rages outside the building. Farnsworth puts a tape in a camera and steps in front of it.]
Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone. By the time you watch this tape, I'll be gone, leaving behind me nothing but a history of failure and my original hip-bones. You see, I've been lying about my age; I'm not actually 150, I'm 160. Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth. And now that I have nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away.
- [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. A Sunset Squad ship flies through a gap in the storm clouds and stops next to the attic balcony. The door opens and something climbs out, holding a scythe.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Room. Farnsworth takes the tape out of the camera and puts it in an envelope. There is a flash of lightning and the windows fly open. Farnsworth gasps, turns around and sees the cloaked Reaperbot. It beckons him. Farnsworth puts the envelope, labelled "To My Crew", on a table and starts to follow the Reaperbot outside.]
Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. [He stops walking.] Goodbye, cruel lamp. [He stops again by the window.] Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin ... [The Reaperbot growls.] ... and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords, cruel though they may be a--
- [The Reaperbot lifts him over his shoulder and knocks him out on the window.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The remaining staff and Cubert watch Farnsworth's message on a hologram communicator similar to the one in Star Wars.]
Farnsworth: [on holo-recorder] And now that I've nothing to live for, I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away.
- [The crew gasp.]
Hermes: Oh, no!
Farnsworth: [on holo-recorder] I know you're all very upset, especially Bender.
Bender: Well, life goes on. Except for you!
- [He laughs.]
Farnsworth: [on holo-recorder] I'm sure that Bender has just made a cutting remark, but he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.
Bender: You bastard!
Fry: We've gotta get him back.
Cubert: Impossible! No one knows where they take those old geezers.
Fry: Nothing is impossible. You'd know that if you really took after the Professor, like I do.
Cubert: You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you.
Fry: Uh ... what?
Cubert: Wait a second. That means I also take after you!
- [He screams.]
Leela: Quiet. I think I know how to find the Professor.
Bender: Lay it on us, big boots.
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express. The Smellescope points around the sky and Leela sniffs.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Room. The rest of the crew are with her.]
Leela: If the Smellescope can pick up the Professor's odour, we may have a chance to save him.
- [Cubert scoffs and snorts.]
Cubert: I think not. As you probably already don't know, odours are made up of particles that can't travel through the vacuum of space.
- [Bender electrocutes him and he screams.]
Leela: I'm zeroing in on him. [She sniffs.] BENGAY ... mothballs ... [She sniffs again.] ... letters to the editor. It's the Professor!
Bender: To the flying machine!
- [Scene: The Smellescope has been mounted to the laser turret and the ship flies through space.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry operates the Smellescope from behind Leela's seat like a periscope. He sniffs.]
Fry: To the left! [He sniffs again and moves slightly.] No, to the up! [And some more.] U-turn! U-turn!
Cubert: We'll never find this place. Robots are very good at keeping secrets.
Bender: No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops! I'm sorry.
- [Leela points through the windscreen.]
Leela: There it is! The Near-Death Star!
- [Scene: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The massive structure looks like the Death Star from Star Wars with enormous spikes along the circumference. The ship circles a sizable dome and lands on a landing pad outside.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Bender and Leela put on Reaperbot cloaks.]
Leela: OK, we'll tell them the Professor escaped and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old man.
Fry: I'm on it!
- [He pulls his trousers up around his chest and starts acting frail and decrepit.]
Cubert: [sarcastic] My God, the illusion is so perfect I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot!
Leela: Now, they may ask for a DNA sample.
- [Fry pulls his trousers higher.]
Fry: I'd like to see them find it!
Cubert: This plan is impossible. We don't even have a sample of the Professor's DNA.
Bender: I think I know where to get some.
- [He pulls out a big syringe and points it at Cubert.]
- [Scene: Cubert's screams echo around the Near-Death Star.]
- [Scene: Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Bender, Fry and Leela walk towards the opening door and past a sign reading "After 11pm Use Slot". Fry wears a lab coat, thick glasses and is hunched over. There is a big hump in his back.]
- [Cut to: Near-Death Star Drop Off. They walk in through the door. Cubert starts talking from under the lab coat.]
Cubert: Why do I have to be the hump?
Fry: 'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.
- [He laughs and Bender and Leela join in. They carry on walking across a large platform towards the centre of the dome. They hear whirring noises and look over the side. Machines scoop up old people, strip them, bathe them, dress them in night gowns and finally place them in rocking chairs. The chairs move along a conveyor belt towards a large tube in the middle of the dome. There are conveyor belts going deep into the dome.]
Leela: Your Medicare dollars at work.
- [They reach some barrierbots and guardbots. A barrierbot lowers a barrier in front of them.]
Barrierbot #1: Halt! Identify this guest.
Leela: Uh, this is Professor Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped.
Barrierbot #1: Escaped? No one escapes.
Barrierbot #2: This guest does not look 160.
Fry: What? I'm old. Listen: [old man voice] Hey, you kids, get off the lawn!
Barrierbot #1: Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned that there are children on their lawns.
Barrierbot #2: There's no denying that. But we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample.
- [Bender holds up a jar labelled "Tissue Sample". The jar is filled with a liquid.]
Bender: Got a hot, steaming batch right here!
- [He puts it near Barrierbot #2.]
Barrierbot #2: We only needed one cell!
Bender: Eh, keep the change, buddy.
Cubert: Stupid robot.
- [A guardbot turns around with it's gun.]
Barrierbot #1: Did your hump just say something?
Fry: Uh ... I-I've got talking hump syndrome.
Barrierbot #1: Ah, T.H.S.
- [Bender drops some of Cubert's blood into a machine and it dings and displays "Hubert J. Farnsworth" on a screen.]
Barrierbot #2: Identity confirmed. Return this shambling shuffle-boarder to his room.
- [Barrierbot #1 raises it's barrier.]
Barrierbot #1: 7152 Maple Drive.
Leela: Sounds nice.
Barrierbot #1: Prepare to be surprised.
- [Scene: Near-Death Star: Maple Drive. Maple Drive is filled with thousands of immense grave-like structures, each containing thousands of small drawers, exactly like the rest of the Near-Death Star. Fry takes his glasses off and he Bender and Leela look around in awe.]
Fry: So this is where they stick old people. It's horrific!
Leela: At least it keeps them from driving.
- [Time Lapse. They climb into a hover-vehicle and Leela flies it up the side of a gravestone. She reverses it past drawer number 7150, Ava Porter b.2790 d.Soon; 7151, Eloise Porter b.2856 d.Soon. She stops it next to drawer number 7152, Hubert J. Farnsworth b.2841 d.Soon. She puts her hands on the handle and turns to the others.]
Leela: Brace yourself for the worst.
- [She pulls the drawer out. Farnsworth is lying in it with at least 24 tubes connected to him in various places. They scream.]
Bender: And yet he looks so natural.
Cubert: What's happening?
Leela: He's hooked up to a life-support system. [She pulls a tube off.] We have to disconnect him very, very carefully, or the shock could kill him.
- [A guardbot appears behind them in a flying machine.]
Guardbot #1: Freeze! [Leela pulls Farnsworth away from the tubes in one go and accelerates the hover-ship away from the guardbot. He chases them around the side of the gravestone and five other guardbots give chase.] Seize them!
Guardbot #2: Seize them!
Guardbot #3: Seize them!
Guardbot #4: Seize them!
Guardbot #1: Get them-- I mean seize them!
- [They fly around another corner and a guardbot hits a gravestone.]
Guardbot #2: Aww, I'm so bad at this!
- [His hover-ship explodes. Leela looks behind at the other guardbots and steers the hover-ship past some huge machines loading old people into the drawers. She ducks and dives over and under them and another guardbot crashes.]
Guardbot #3: Uh-oh!
- [His ship hits a machine and explodes. Leela turns the ship upwards.]
- [Cut to: Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. She smashes the hover-ship through barrierbot #1's barrier and he screams and feebly lifts what remains of it up and down. The hover-ship speeds towards the door, which starts to close.]
Leela: We're probably gonna make it, but we might not.
- [Cubert looks out the top of the lab coat.]
Cubert: It's impossible! We'll never fit.
Fry: Will too!
- [He and Bender duck and Cubert smashes his head on the closing door, screams and flies back.]
- [Cut to: Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Cubert is lying on the Professor, dazed.]
Cubert: Told you.
- [He blacks out. The hover-ship flies towards the landing pad.]
- [Scene: Ships Cockpit. Leela runs into the cockpit followed by Bender carrying Farnsworth, followed by Fry dragging Cubert. He drops Cubert and his heads hits the floor with a thunk.]
Fry: Come on, Leela! Step your big boot down on the gas pedal.
- [She does.]
- [Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ship takes off and the landing gear goes up. The guest drop off door opens and three guardbots fly out. Guardbot #1 shoots at the ship and two laser bolts hit the engine, causing it to shut down. The ship falls onto the landing pad and the guardbots' hover-ships buzz around it.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. An alarm beeps and a red light flashes.]
Leela: They've blown out one of our engines!
Fry: [fast] Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!
Leela: Only the Professor knows how to fix it. We have to wake him up.
- [She grabs Farnsworth's night shirt and shakes him around. Fry blasts him with an airhorn and Bender empties a chest cabinet full of water over him.]
Fry: Try shocking him.
Bender: [shouting] Your social security cheque is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!
Fry: Damnit, we'll have to fix the engine ourself.
Leela: We can't, you bastard! No one knows how it works. It's impossible!
- [Cubert comes around and puts his hand in the air.]
Cubert: Nothing is impossible. I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. [He lifts an access hatch and starts fiddling with some wires under the floor.] The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is and the engines move the universe around it.
Bender: That's a complete load.
Cubert: Nothing's a complete load. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about. Right, Professor? [Farnsworth mumbles. Cubert closes the access panel.] Let's ride!
- [Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ships engines power up and they begin to move the universe in a flow-mo sequence lifted from The Matrix. The ship flies away, blasting the guardbots away. Near-Death Star defences fire on the ship and repeatedly miss as they makes their getaway.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Cubert and Farnsworth walk in from the lounge.]
Cubert: Good news, everyone! He's made a complete recovery.
Leela: All right!
Farnsworth: I'm as spry as a 140-year-old. [He jumps and something cracks.] See? I only broke one ankle.
Fry: So what were they doing to you in that awful drawer?
Farnsworth: Oh, they had me hooked up to a bizarre virtual world that seemed absolutely real.
Amy: What was it like?
Farnsworth: It was as though I were living in a facility in Florida with hundreds of other old people. All day long we'd play bingo, eat oatmeal and wait for our children to call.
- [Everyone gasps in horror.]
Leela: It's a hundred times more horrible than anything I could imagine.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Thank you all for saving me. Especially you, my little clone. No matter what you decide to do with your life, I'm still proud of you.
- [Cubert hugs Farnsworth.]
Cubert: I've already decided. Dad, when I grow up I wanna be just like you.
Farnsworth: Don't worry, son, you will. Incidentally, you might want to read up on a condition known as "wandering bladder".
Farnsworth: No reason. No reason at all.
- [Closing Credits.]
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