Transcript:A Farewell to Arms
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|A Farewell to Arms|
|Written by||Josh Weinstein|
|Transcribed by||Sanfazer and Roboto63|
- [Opening credits. Caption: Ask your doctor if Futurama is right for you]
- [Scene: The streets of New New York. Pedestrians walk and vehicles move; a man is operating a stand selling sunglasses for $8. A storm begins to brew, and all pedestrians take off except for the owner of the sunglasses store, who simply changes the sign on his stand from "SUNGLASSES: $8" to "LASERBRELLAS: $8", then opens up a laserbrella. He is then swept away by a moving tornado. Immediately afterwards, the storm clears up and the reading on the sign changes back to "SUNGLASSES: $8". "$8" then moves up to "$9". Fry and Leela walk into the scene.]
Leela: A lot of weather we're having.
- [Fry and Leela come across a puddle.]
Fry: Allow me, m'lady. [Fry takes off his pants and places them over the puddle.] Shall we go a-trousering?
Leela: Fry, I appreciate the gallantry, but isn't this a bit much?
Fry: [dejectedly] You're right. I'm sorry for showing my love.
Leela: [sighs] Okay. Fine.
Fry: Here, take my hand!
- [Fry lifts his hand up to Leela. Leela takes his hand and walks on Fry's pants over the puddle. She immediately falls through the puddle and screams. She resurfaces a few seconds later, entangled by a set of green tentacles. She is sucked back down.]
- [Scene: The kitchen in the conference room of Planet Express headquarters. Leela, who is covered in tentacle marks, is frying the tentacles over a stove. She salts the tentacles. In the background, Zoidberg, Bender and Amy sit at the conference table. Fry, who is only wearing his underwear, walks in and clips his pants to a white rope. Professor Farnsworth then walks into the room.]
Farnsworth: News and weather, everyone. I'm sure you've all noticed the bizarre atmospheric conditions of late.
- [Hermes walks into the room, covered in snow. He has no shirt on and is wearing boots with snowshoes, a snorkel and sunglasses and is holding a glass of iced tea.]
Hermes: Come to mention it, yes.
Farnsworth: It seems something ain't right in the magnetosphere, so I'm launching this high-altitude weather balloon to gather more data.
- [Farnsworth pushes a button on a remote control, and the roof opens up. The weather balloon rises up in the air. Its string releases from a pipe, with Fry's pants still attached to it.]
Fry: My pants! My lucky pants!
- [Fry chases after the balloon, but it is too late.]
Hermes: They don't look so lucky to me.
Fry: They are too! I was wearing them that time I found a dime in my ear! It was wearing them when I won a subscription to Redbook! And I was wearing them when I first met Leela, so, yeah, they're lucky!
Leela: Aw...also, oh, Lord.
Fry: Plus, they're my only pants.
Bender: You've worn the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it! [Bender laughs and gives himself a high-five.] Woo!
- [Scene: The sky. The weather balloon flies away, with Fry's pants attached to it. The scene zooms out, revealing that the Planet Express ship is chasing after the balloon.]
- [Cut to: Space. The balloon has just exited Earth's atmosphere, and the ship chases after it.]
- [Cut to: Inside the ship. Bender and Fry watch as Leela pilots the ship and Professor Farnsworth navigates.]
Farnsworth: Soon your trousers will slip the surly bonds of Earth, and ascend to the heavens!
Fry: I'm gonna blast that balloon! [Fry pushes a button labelled "TO GUN TURRET".] No way will I let God get my pants! [Fry sits himself down on a seat, which then lifts him up to the gun turret.] Nobody messes with my pants. Not even the Holy One. Blessed be He. [Fry presses the buttons of the gun turret and shoots the balloon, causing it to explode. Fry's pants fall back down to Earth.]
- [Scene: Earth. The pants fall back down to Earth in the New New York skies, and the ship follows them. The ship lands in a tree-covered area. Fry's pants have landed on the branch of a tree. Fry runs out of the ship to get them back. As he is about to get them, a hissing sound is heard, and Fry stops in his tracks. A badger is blocking his path.]
Hermes: Look out! A Central Park badger!
- [Fry jumps up and attempts to grab his pants, but the badger jumps up as well and grabs the pants with its mouth. It falls on Fry's back and burrows down in a hole.]
Fry: I'll save you, pants! Scruffy, do you have any varmint grease?
Scruffy: What viscosity you need?
- [Fry, covered in yellow grease, jumps in the hole. He falls into the hole underground, which is pitch-black. He lights a match, and discovers that the wall is covered in mysterious symbols.]
Fry: Woah, there's writing in here! [The flame from his match starts to ignite his body.] Also, this grease is flammable!
- [Outside, the crew are waiting for Fry. Fire bursts from the hole. The scene cuts back to the underground, and a hand is seen spraying a white liquid. The camera zooms out, revealing that Scruffy is spraying Fry with a fire-extinguisher. Amy, who is holding a flashlight, and Zoidberg are looking at the symbols. Fry tries to get up, but Hermes falls on him.]
Farnsworth: Incredible! Who could have done this? The sewer mutants?
Leela: No, this isn't mutant language. We use a lot more profanity. [The sound of falling soil is heard, and Leela falls down.] Son of a bi–[bleep]!
- [Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Amy and Bender walk over to Leela. She is hanging on a branch, about to fall into a hole.]
Fry: Leela! Take my hand!
- [Leela takes Fry's hand, but is unable to catch a firm grip because the hand is covered in grease.]
Leela: I'm slipping! The one time your hands aren't sticky, they're greasy!
Fry: I'm sorry. Normally, I would have wiped them on my pants, but–
- [Leela slips and falls into the hole. A loud thud is heard, and the scene cuts to black. An eye begins to open.]
Fry: Are you okay?
Leela: I–ow! My leg! It's broken! How'd you get down here?
Fry: We made a rope from my shirt and jacket. [Fry points to a rope made of red and white cloth.] And an expedition flag from my underpants! [Fry lifts up a pole with a pair of underpants attached to it, labelled "OPERATION CYCLOPS DOWN" and bearing the symbol of a hawk with a single eye.] I'll help you up. Here, take my hand.
Leela: Stop telling me to take your hand! Look, Fry, your noble things keep making things worse. Can't you just be a rude, unhelpful jerk like Bender?
Bender: When I use up the toilet paper I don't put up a new roll!
- [Fry has a disappointed look on his face.]
Zoidberg: Fry, my friend, I found your pants! [Fry happily takes the pants and puts them on.] And no sign of that crafty badger!
Fry: All right! Lucky pants! [The badger, which is still in Fry's pants, moves around. Fry panics and screams, and the badger runs off.]
- [Amy shines her flashlight in the direction the badger is running.]
Amy: Oh my God! Look what my flashlight found!
- [The flashlight reveals a giant pyramid, which has a giant circular object.]
Zoidberg: A giant pyramid under New New York? What badger could have built this?
Farnsworth: And look at this intricately carved disk! It merits years of study. But how can we move such a fragile, precious–
- [Cut to: The streets of New New York. People run away as Bender rolls the disk, destroying several cars in the process.]
Bender: Ancient history coming through! [Bender rolls the disk over the Falafel cart man and his cart, crushing him.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Amy, Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Scruffy, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender and Leela, who is wearing crutches, are around the disk, which has been placed on the conference table. Amy and Professor Farnsworth are inspecting the disk with scanners. Behind the two is a computer.]
Farnsworth: Amazing! It appears to be some kind of extremely ancient calendar! Predating even the girls of Sumeria! Of course! It's a Mayan calendar! [The device's screen shows the disk with what appears to be the label "MAYAN CALENDAR".] No...wait! There's some dried-up old stew on the screen.
Scruffy: Sorry. I was eating a can of breakfast and looking at porn.
[Amy rubs off the stew, revealing that what appeared to be the word "MAYAN" is actually the word "MARTIAN".]
Amy: [gasps] It's not Mayan, it's Martian!
Leela: Amy, you grew up on Mars, right? Can you read Martian?
Amy: A little. I only learned enough to yell at my nanny. Let's see... [Amy reads some incomprehensible Martian words.] I think it means..."The sun will erupt...all shall perish. Blah, blah, blah."
Bender: Get to the point! What does it say about me, Bender?
Amy: [gasps] Nothing! But it does say a great cataclysm will destroy the world in the year thirty twelve! [Amy points to some symbols, and a drawing of a circle bursting to pieces.]
Bender: The world? That's where I live! Told you it'd say something about me!
Fry: So the world will end in three thousand twelve. Why does that year sound so familiar?
- [In the background, the sky turns from blue to red.]
Farnsworth: Because that's the year that's this year! See?
- [Farnsworth points toward the window, and the camera zooms into it.]
- [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The sky is a reddish-orange, and multiple lightning storms are taking place.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. The crew gasp.]
Scruffy: [holding a spoon and a can labelled "PANCAKE STEW"] So, uh...are you all done with the computer?
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. An infernal storm is taking place. A dramatic piece of music stops playing.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Leela, Fry, Scruffy, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender are standing around the calendar - which, like the conference table, is round.]
Hermes: Is it just me - or is the world endin' more often these days?
Amy: The calendar predicts fires, earthquakes, sharksplosions... [Amy points at three different spots on the table.] Then, it just ends!
- [Amy shrugs and puts her hands on her face. Farnsworth inserts a plug coming from the screen into the popped weather balloon's base.]
Farnsworth: Exactly as the weather balloon foretold! Before Fry blew his pants outta the sky, it detected the onset of a catastrophic sunspot cycle. [Farnsworth turns on the screen - which begins showing the sun. The camera zooms in on it. An alien-themed piece of music begins playing and a solar flare appears. The windows are broken by the solar flare and the crew scream.] It's starting! This is the end of the world!
- [Farnsworth points up with his right hand.]
- [Cut to: The streets of New New York. People are running and screaming. Hovercars are crashing. The camera pans up. A building and a billboard are displaying the words "WORLD ENDING". A man is on a rooftop and a woman and another man are looking out their windows. A man in an apron screams as he falls down. The rooftop man jumps and also screams and the woman jumps out her window and holds on to the edge. The superhero from The Beast with a Billion Backs flies by and the music stops playing.]
Superhero from The Beast with the Billion Backs: Cowardman, away!
- [The superhero flies away and the woman falls off. A man in a suit holding a suitcase runs around a corner while speaking gibberish, throws the suitcase away, runs into Nine - who is holding a sign reading "THE END IS NEAR" - and shakes Nine. Nine looks angry as the man resumes running.]
Nine: Some of us were crazy before it was cool.
- [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express building. The roof opens up.]
- [Cut to: The hangar of the Planet Express building. The ship is rising up.]
- [Cut to: Inside the ship. Fry, Hermes, Amy and Leela are seated down, strapped with seatbelts. Several suitcases encased in netting are around them. Leela is holding a key.]
Leela: Evacuating the planet in 3...2...
Farnsworth: So long, Earth! Thanks for nothing!
- [Farnsworth and Bender, who is smoking a cigar and reading Space Mall, are also seated. Leela puts the key in the ignition and turns. Several muffles are heard, but the ship fails to start up.]
Leela: It's not starting!
- [Cut to: The streets of New New York. Sal is trying to start up the truck.]
Sal: Come on...comes on!
- [Cut to: The White House. The roof is opened up, and the presidential spaceship is aimed towards the sky.]
- [Cut to: Inside the presidential spaceship. Richard Nixon's head and a clone of the headless body of Agnew are seated. Agnew is pushing a button, attempting to start up the ship. Agnew grunts in frustration.]
Nixon: Oh, let me try, headless clone of Agnew! [Nixon's robotic arm presses the button, but fails to start the ship.] Damn thing just won't turn over. It's like Pat on a Sunday morning!
- [Cut to: Inside the Planet Express ship. Farnsworth is turning a red button, testing out some frequencies.]
Farnsworth: Oh, the Marconi is on the fritz too! The electromagnetic storm is disabling all electronics on Earth!
- [A sound is heard. Bender, whose hand is reaching into Farnsworth's pocket and holding his wallet, is frozen in place. A shutdown noise is heard.]
Bender: [embarassed] Hi, there. [Bender drops down on the floor.]
- [Scene: The balcony of the Planet Express building. The lightning storms continue to rage on in the orange sky. Leela is standing, and Fry walks in and joins her.]
Leela: Well, it wasn't a bad life. If only I could get back that time I spent watching Tron Legacy.
Fry: Leela, I've made up my mind. Before we die, I'm gonna find and destroy every remaining copy of Tron Legacy! It may take a couple of hours, but–
Leela: Fry, stop trying to do things for me! [She puts her hands onto Fry's.] Whatever time we have left, just live it with me. So...you wanna join the balcony club?
- [Fry starts smiling. Zoidberg walks in on the two of them.]
Zoidberg: The balcony club? I have an individual membership!
Fry: Zoidberg, get lost!
Zoidberg: I am lost! So long.
- [Fry and Leela start kissing and slowly go down off-camera. Amy barges through the doors.]
Amy: Stop the end-of-the-world sex! We might survive after all!
- [Fry and Leela get back up and groan.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express laboratory. Farnsworth is in a coffin, and his head is rested on a pillow. Something is in his nose.]
Farnsworth: Alright, Amy! What's so important that you interrupted my embalming?
- [The scene zooms out, revealing that he is in the process of embalming himself. Hermes is holding a jar containing a green liquid as well an organ.]
Amy: I translated more Martian symbols! There's a way off this planet! That underground pyramid isn't a pyramid– [Cut to: Another area. The background turns grey.] It's a rocketship!
- [The camera zooms out, revealing that they are underground outside the pyramid-like rocketship. Several bulldozers circle around it.]
Zoidberg: It was worth waiting five hours to hear you finish that sentence.
- [Scruffy stops the bulldozer he is driving.]
- [Cut to: Inside the Martian rocketship.]
Fry: A spaceship made of stone? With no electronics, it just might work!
Bender: I'll stick with wind-up power, thank you very much! [Bender has a wind-up handle on his back, which is spinning. He sits himself down.]
- [Amy, Hermes, Leela, Fry and Scruffy are inspecting the cockpit.]
Leela: Hmmm...I've never flown a pyramid before. But I used to drive around town in a mausoleum!
Hermes: How many people can this thing carry?
Leela: Well, the mausoleum held ten horny teenagers, so...maybe thirty-thousand.
Farnsworth: It's our moral duty to save as many lives as possible! [The ground starts to shake, and debris starts falling.] They had a chance! Let's go! [He seats himself next to Bender and fastens his seatbelt.]
Zapp: Mind if I appear? [Zapp appears, pointing a raygun at the crew.]
- [Scene: Outside the White House. The camera pans down to a tube with an elevator underground that leads to an identical White House.]
- [Scene: Inside the underground White House. The Planet Express crew walk in with their hands up as Zapp continues to point the gun at them.]
Nixon: Welcome to the hidey house. Brannigan! Tell me about this freaky-deaky escape pyramid!
Zapp: I can fly it, sir! I just need to know where. And how.
Nixon: The obvious destination is Mars. [The screen behind him turns on, showing a view of the Solar System. Nixon's robotic arm picks up a stick and points at Mars.] It's close, with lots of open space and no Woodward or Bernstein! That's a plus. [Behind him, the camera zooms into Mars and a path leading from Earth to Mars is traced.]
Amy: But we can only save thirty-thousand people! How do we choose who goes?
Nixon: Well, let's see now. We'll need leaders... [The headless clone of Agnew gives an approving and happy grunt.] scientists... [Farnsworth and Amy smile.] doctors... [The camera pans over to Zoidberg.] bureaucrats... [The camera pans over to Hermes.] pilots... [The camera pans over to Leela.] valuable appliances... [The camera pans over to Bender. Nixon makes an ad-lib.] even janitors! [The camera pans over to Scruffy.] But that's it! [The camera pans over to a happy Fry.] No one else! [Fry becomes disappointed.]
Fry: I'll miss you, Leela. [sniffles] But it's okay. Because then I'll die.
Nixon: Cut the waterworks, hippie! The final decision will be made not by me, but by a cold, logical machine!
- [Scene: Madison Cube Garden. A larger banner reading "SELECTION DAY" is hung up. Long lines of people stand outside.]
Announcer: Who shall live and who shall die? Step right up to the Contrabulous Choosematron!
- [Elzar takes a card from a machine as Smitty and URL watch. Hattie, Petunia, Zoidberg, Bender, Fry and Leela are lined up.]
Fry: I hate waiting in line to die.
- [Hattie takes her turn.]
Announcer: Move it along, grandma! Stick your hand in and take your chances!
- [Hattie sticks her hand into a slot in the Contrabulous Choosematron.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: Female. Crotchety. Needed to keep others in their place. Accepted! [The Contrabulous Choosematron dispenses a card labelled "TICKET TO MARS" with Hattie's picture on it. It is marked "NON-TRANSFERABLE".]
Hattie: [She takes her ticket.] Damn straight, kajigger!
- [A screen in the background reads "ACCEPTED" in bold, green text. Hattie walks away and Petunia takes her turn.]
Petunia: Ooh, me next!
- [Petunia sticks her hand into the slot.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: We just got one of these. Rejected! [It makes a buzzing sound.]
- [Petunia walks away and Farnsworth takes his turn, sticking his hand into the slot.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Scientist. Fond of crazy contraptions. Accepted! [It makes a bell sound of approval and dispenses Farnsworth's ticket.]
- [Farnsworth takes his ticket and walks away. Amy takes her turn, sticking her hand into the slot.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: Female. Scientist. We were in the same sorority! Accepted! [It makes the bell sound of approval and dispenses Amy's ticket.]
- [The screen in the background once again reads "ACCEPTED" in bold, green text. Amy takes her ticket and slowly walks away.]
Amy and the Contrabulous Choosematron: [In unison.] Sigma beta, see ya later!
- [Zoidberg takes his turn, and places his claw in the slot. The size of his claw forces him to squeeze it into the slot.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Medical doctor. Delicious with butter and lemon. Accepted! [It makes the bell sound of approval and dispenses Zoidberg's ticket.]
- [Zoidberg walks over to Hermes, LaBarbara, Dwight, Farnsworth, Amy and Scruffy, who are all standing together with their tickets.]
Hermes: I wish they'd hurry. I want to get out of here before the mayhem starts!
Bender: Mayhem? There's gonna be mayhem? I'm staying! [He takes out a molotov from his chest compartment and runs off.] Woo-eee!
Fry: Well, might as well get it over with. [Fry takes his turn and puts his hand in the slot.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Delivery boy. No discernible skills. Accepted! [It makes the bell sound of approval and dispenses Fry's ticket.] 'Cause I like his pants.
Fry: Yes! My lucky pants! Leela! We can go together after all! Come on, get your badge! Take my hand!
Contrabulous Choosematron: Top gun pilot. Natural leader. Extreme combat training. Rejected! [It makes a buzzing sound.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: With all spaceships inoperable, we only need one spaceship pilot!
- [Cut to: Inside the Martian stone spaceship. Zapp is on the pilot's seat, pressing buttons. Kif is sitting down in front of him, jotting down notes on a clipboard.]
Zapp: Wonder what this doo-cracky does. [He presses a button, causing snakes to fall from a compartment onto Kif.] Snake door. Roger!
- [Kif sighs.]
- [Cut to: Madison Square Garden.]
Fry: You can't reject Leela! Give her a badge, you stupid box! [He punches the Contrabulous Choosematron, and ends up getting his hand back in the slot.]
Contrabulous Choosematron: Male. Filthy hand. Violent temper. Accepted again! [It makes the bell sound of approval.]
- [Fry picks up the Contrabulous Choosematron and shakes him. Smitty and URL aim their guns at Fry.]
Leela: Fry. The box has spoken. Go to Mars.
Fry: [sadly] Okay. [He and Leela begin to walk away.] Will you at least keep this photo? [He pulls out a picture of him and Leela together at the Planet Express prom and gives it to Leela. He sniffles.] Remember how Bender dumped all that pig's blood on me?
Leela: [She gives back the picture to Fry.] You keep it. I'll remember you in here. [She puts her hand on her chest.]
Fry: [sniffles] I wish I could remember with my boobs.
- [Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Leela, who has a sad look on her face, is sitting on the couch. Farnsworth faces her, holding a suitcase. Amy, Hermes and Scruffy hold baggage and walk out the door. Zoidberg is packing his clothes into a suitcase.]
Farnsworth: Leela! We're off to Mars! [Leela's face gives an angry look and she turns her head away.] We'll see ourselves out.
- [Farnsworth turns to walk out the door. Suddenly, Fry bursts in.]
Fry: Wait! I did it. I got a Leela a ticket! [He gives her an envelope.]
Leela: [gasps] How did you that?! [She opens the envelope, which contains a ticket to mars with Leela's picture on it.]
Fry: A-ah-uh-uh! A magician never reveals his secrets. Except the Great Reveal-o!
Zoidberg: That guy stinks.
- [Cut to: A compound. A sign reading "TICKET HOLDERS ONLY" is hung up. URL and Smitty are inspecting tickets using scanners. Two ticket-holders are approved and allowed to walk into the compound. A line of people holding suitcases walk to the compound as police officers restrain an angry crowd of people. The camera zooms out, revealing that the compound holds the Martian stone spaceship. Several lines of people walk around the ship and board it using stairwells.]
- [Cut to: Inside the Martian stone spaceship. A light piece of easy listening music is playing in the background. Passengers sit down and stow their baggage away as the camera pans over to Nixon and the headless clone of Agnew.]
Nixon: I still don't see why you get the window seat.
- [Cut to: The cockpit of the ship. Kif is pushing some buttons. Zapp is seated in the pilot's chair, holding a microphone.]
Zapp: Folks, this is your captain. Our snake tanks are fully loaded. [The scene switches to the aisles of the spaceship. Two passengers are walking and several others are seated.] So once I figure out which button launches this– [The spaceship begins to rumble and passengers become frightened.] I figured it out!
- [Cut to: The compound. The spaceship begins to ascend, causing stairwells to collapse and several people to fall. The spaceship emits a bright beam penetrates a series of rotating wheels. The spaceship takes off, and several people jeer, including Bender.]
Bender: Boo! Don't come back! Well, let's get lootin'! [He holds up a cloth and a brick.]
- [Cut to: Inside the Martian stone spaceship. The camera focuses on Leela's ticket.]
Leela: Fry, this is the most noble thing anyone has ever done for me. [She holds somebody's arm.] Wait! Fry?
- [The camera zooms out, revealing Leela is holding Nine's hand.]
Nine: I'm a lot of people, but I'm not Fry! [Nine laughs maniacally.]
- [The camera zooms in on Leela's ticket. She peels off her photo, revealing that her ticket is actually Fry's ticket.]
Leela: Oh, no!
- [The camera zooms out of the spaceship, which continues to fly away.]
- [Cut to: Earth. The camera zooms in on Fry's picture of him and Leela at the Planet Express prom. Leela's head is missing from the photo. The camera zooms out, revealing that Fry is holding the picture and standing on the balcony of the Planet Express building. He sniffles and wipes away a tear. The camera zooms out, showing the Martian spaceship flying in the orange skies of Earth. The scene fades to black.]
- [Cut to: Space. The Martian spaceship flies towards Mars.]
- [Cut to: Mars. The Martian spaceship lands on the Martian surface. The stairwell of the ship opens. Leo and Inez Wong are standing in front of the ship.]
Leo: Welcome to Mars! It is with heavy heart and open arms that we receive Earth's only survivors! Admission: twenty dollar.
Amy: Dad! Gleesh!
Zapp: Greetings, Marsmen! [He descends the stairwell, and the other passengers follow him.] We come to your planet to construct a gleaming city! A second Earth on which to begin anew!
Inez: Okay! Admission: twenty dollar!
- [Amy and Kif hold hands. Leela walks into the scene.]
Leela: I can't believe it. Fry sacrificed his spot for me and I never even had a chance to thank him.
Zoidberg: [He approaches Leela.] Don't worry, Leela! Earth is still there. Peaceful and serene as ever.
- [The camera pans up to show Earth in the sky.]
- [Cut to: The streets of New New York. Several buildings are on fire. The sound of alarms and breaking glass is heard. Several people run away. Fat-bot dances in the street. A white car with a license plate labelled "POUPON" pulls up and crashes into the building for Herschel's Non-Discount Diamonds.]
- [Cut to: Inside Herschel's Non-Discount Diamonds. Bender exits the crashed car, holding a bag with a green dollar sign on it. He uses his hands and pushes several gems and jewelry into the bag. He uses his arm to lift up a display case, causing several pieces of jewelry to fall through a crack in the case and into the bag. He drops a brick on his palm and throws it at the window of his car, which then breaks. He reaches through the window and opens the car.]
- [Cut to: Bender drives the car and bumps into a fire hydrant. He drives off, leaving Fat-bot knocked out in the street.]
- [Cut to: Apartment 00100100. Fry is seated on the couch. A giant moneybag crashes through the window. Bender enters through the broken window. He snatches a TV antenna, a lamp and a newspaper.]
Fry: Bender! You're stealing your own stuff!
Bender: I am? [He drops the items he is holding.] Jeez, I better slow down! I'm stealing stuff I don't even need! [He reaches into his moneybag and pulls out a scripture.] You want a Torah?
Fry: Nah, I'm not hungry.
Bender: Aw, what's the matter? Scared of dying? [Bender sits on the couch.]
Fry: No. 'Cause as long as Leela lives, I'll be alive too. In her heart. But really I'll be dead!
- [Cut to: A view of Mars from space.]
- [Cut to: A platform. Nixon's head is on a podium with two diamond spikes next to it, facing towards an audience. The headless clone of Agnew, Zapp and Kif stand next to him.]
Nixon: Ladies and gentlemen. Our new Martian city is complete! I give you... [The camera zooms out, revealing a large city made entirely of diamonds.] Dick Francisco!
- [The audience applauds. A magician releases some doves, causing the audience to gasp in awe.]
Great Reveal-o: The doves didn't magically spring from my hand, but rather were crammed into this netting sewn into my sleeve!
- [The audience claps.]
Zapp: Thank you, Great Reveal-o! And now, as a solemn testicle to those left behind on Earth, I present this monument, titled simply, "Heroes".
- [Zapp pushes a button. A green clothes falls from a hidden structure, revealing a statue of a man, a woman and a little girl screaming. Leela sniffles and wipes a tear.]
Leela: That frightened little girl in the statue reminds me of Fry! [She starts to cry.]
Unknown person: Stop the ceremony!
- [Singing Wind appears, holding a box.]
Nixon: Who is this non-Washington redskin?
Singing Wind: I am Singing Wind. Chief of the native Martian tribe.
Leela: But I thought your people abandoned this planet.
Singing Wind: We did! I just came back for my stuff. What are you guys doing here?
Farnsworth: Fleeing Earth, of course! We flew here in your great stone pyramid!
Singing Wind: Seriously? That thing flies?
Amy: Of course! Your people left it so we could escape! I translated your warning that the world was doomed. [She points to the Martian calendar.]
Singing Wind: Not your world. Our world! We put calendar there to warn you not to visit Mars. It Mars that gonna be destroyed! [The crowd gasp. Singing Wind walks into a buggalo-shaped spacecraft.] Why you think we so eager to abandon this dump? You guys got ten, fifteen minutes max! Well, so long!
- [The spacecraft's roof closes and the spacecraft flies away. The crowd all face Amy with angry looks.]
Amy: Hey! Ancient Martian's a very hard language! [She points to a symbol on the Martian calendar.] [incomprehensible Martian word] looks just like [another incomprehensible Martian word]! [She points to another symbol on the calendar.]
- [The sound of lightning is heard. The crowd, with the exception of Amy and Farnsworth, all run in fear.]
Zapp: To the spaceship!
Kif: There is no spaceship. You had it dismantled to build that statue!
Zapp: To the statue! [Zapp jumps onto a foot on the statue, which then moves down. A compartment above opens, and snakes fall on Zapp.] Ah! Ah!
Farnsworth: Oh, what an idiot I was! And by "I", I mean "you"! [He looks disapprovingly at Amy.] The final solar flare is going to bypass Earth and strike Mars!
- [Cut to: A view of the Sun from space. A solar flare just misses Earth and moves towards Mars.]
- [Cut to: Mars. People continue to run in horror. The solar flare hits Mars, sending a cloud of dust towards them. They cover their faces and scream. Lightning strikes, and one bolt hits the Heroes statue. Debris from the statue falls on the ground. Dwight, LaBarbara, Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela, Amy and Farnsworth stand together frozen in fear.]
Hermes: My God! One of the hundreds of contradictory prophecies is coming true!
Leela: I should have known better than to trust one of Fry's romantic gestures. Every time he says he loves me, I get killed!
- [The surface of Mars cracks, and violet flames burst out.]
Farnsworth: It's just as I only now began to fear! The solar flares are igniting subsurface gas pockets!
- [Cut to: A view of Mars from space. Violet flames burst out from Mars. A large crack on the surface forms and an even bigger flare bursts out. Mars begins to move.]
- [Cut to: Mars. Scruffy and Farnsworth hug each other.]
Amy: Ah! Mars is being blasted out of its orbit!
Leela: Fry! You noble idiot!
- [The camera zooms out of Mars and pans over the burning Martian surface.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express balcony. Fry and Bender, who is under an umbrella, are sitting on deck chairs and drinking out of skulls. Two shovels rest on the wall. The weather on Earth has returned to normal.]
Fry: You're right, Bender! Grave robbing is fun! And these piñas coladas are fantastic!
Bender: The crazy weather cleared up too, for whatever reason!
Fry: All in all, it's a fine day for an apocalypse.
Bender: So...you don't miss whatshername?
Fry: Of course I do. [Bender's eyes extend. In the sky and unbeknownst to Fry, Mars is seen moving dangerously close to Earth's surface.] But even though we're millions of miles apart, somehow, I feel she's near me.
Bender: Very near!
- [Scene: A view of Earth and Mars from space. Mars moves even closer to Earth.]
- [Cut to: Mars. Earth is seen extremely close in the sky. People continue to run away. The Earth rotates.]
Hattie: Oh, no! The kajigger of Gibraltar!
- [Gibraltar hits Dick Francisco, destroying it.]
- [Cut to: Earth. Mars continues to approach Earth. New New York is in chaos. People watch, screaming and frozen in fear. The surface of Mars rubs against several buildings, wearing them down. People start to run away.]
Dandy Jim: I have got to quit drinking. [He throws a bottle of alcohol in the air. On Mars, Gus catches the bottle.]
Gus: Thanks, friend!
- [Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. Mars casts a shadow on the building.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express balcony.]
Fry: Another great thing was, she always had room for dessert! [Fry notices Mars in the sky and screams.]
- [Cut to: Mars. Zoidberg, Hermes, Farnsworth, Scruffy, who is holding Washbucket, the headless clone of Agnew, who is holding Nixon's head, Amy, LaBarbara and Linda are running.]
Farnsworth: We're passing surprisingly close to Earth! When we reach 72nd Street, jump!
- [They all jump off the Martian surface. Kif jumps as well, and lands perfectly on his feet. Zapp lands on him.]
- [Dwight, Scruffy, LaBarbara, Hermes, Farnsworth, Amy, Zoidberg and Hattie are outside the Planet Express headquarters. They cheer.]
Amy: We made it! We're back home!
Hermes: Okay. Today is still a work day, so–
Leela: Wait! Help! [The camera reveals that Leela is on a staircase in the ruins of Dick Francisco. Fry sees her.] I'm still on Mars and I can't jump!
Fry: Hang on, Leela! I'll save you again!
- [Fry runs into the building.]
Leela: Or somebody else could do it!
- [Fry barges through the doors of the balcony. He climbs a set of stairs and onto the control tower.]
Fry: Quick! Take my hand! [He holds out his hand.]
Leela: I don't know. Bad things happen when you say that. [She releases one of her crutches and holds out her hand. Fry is able to grab hold of Leela's hand]
Fry: I got her.
- [The sound of a bone cracking is heard.]
- [The camera zooms out, revealing that Leela's arm has severed.]
Fry: Oops! Try again!
Leela: We're too far apart!
Fry: No, we're not! Grab your severed arm with your other arm! [He holds out Leela's severed arm.]
Leela: Ew...kay... [She grabs her severed arm.]
Fry: Huraa... [Fry's arm is severed.] ...aaah!
- [Leela and Fry continue to scream. Leela releases her severed arm, which is still holding on to Fry's arm. The arms float away.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express headquarters at night. Mars has stopped moving, but is still close to Earth. The Moon is casting a light on Mars, which is casting a shadow on Earth.]
- [Cut to: The Planet Express attic. Zoidberg is applying bandages to the Leela. Fry, who has bandages on his shoulder area, and Scruffy watch.]
Zoidberg: Good thing Scruffy rescued Leela.
Scruffy: Don't thank me. Thank the ladder.
- [The camera zooms out, revealing that Scruffy is holding a ladder. Farnsworth is near the birthing machine, watching two miniature arms.]
Farnsworth: Your cloned arms should be fully grown in a month or so. [Farnsworth catches the arms with a wire basket and takes them.] But for right now, enjoy the sounds of the world's smallest violin. [He takes out a miniature violin and uses the two arms to play it.]
Fry: I hope you're not too mad at me, Leela. For tearing your arm off and all.
Leela: I can't be mad. I'm on way too many painkillers. Plus, you were willing to sacrifice yourself so I could live! I mean, you failed...miserably...but you're the only person who loves me enough to try.
Fry: One last...foolish gesture? [He holds his arm out.]
- [Leela tries to hold on to Fry, but her crutch gets in the way. She adjusts the crutch and puts it under her shoulder. They reach for each other's hands, but abruptly stop. They then hug each other. The camera pans up and the scene fades into a view of Fry and Leela's severed arms floating in space.]
- [Closing credits.]
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