Transcript:Attack of the Killer App

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Transcript for
Attack of the Killer App
Written by	Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Opening Credits.]

[Scene: Exterior shot of Citihall. A banner under the now dated logo reads "e-Waste Not, e-Want Not". A huge crowd is gathered outside as Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer makes a speech.]

Poopenmeyer: As mayor, it is my deeply tedious pleasure to kick off the 83rd or 84th Annual e-Waste Recycling Festival!

[The camera cuts to the crowd, some of whom are carrying old machines like Apple computers from 1984. The camera stops on Bender, Fry, and Leela.]

Bender: Down in front!

[Zoidberg is seen with the fin on his head.]

Zoidberg: Sorry, I get aroused in crowds.

[The fin disappears.]

Poopenmeyer: I will now throw out the ceremonial first dump: [takes an old machine that says Elect-O-Matic 2000 and is about to put it in the recycling bin] this old inefficient vote rigger! [throws it away as the crowd cheers and the fin grows back on Zoidberg's head]
[Cut to: Farnsworth and Hermes carry a box labeled "Old Doomsday Devices" to the bin]
<poem>Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.

[They throw them away as the camera pans to Amy, Zoidberg, Leela, and Fry carrying an electronic toilet.]

Leela: So long, overly complicated Japanese toilet!

Toilet: [in a stereotypical Japanese accent] Please. I not to throw away. I give you, uh, Happy Poopie Time.

Fry: Sorry, you know too much.

[Fry drops the toilet in the bin as everyone watches it drop.]

[Cut to: Bender sneaks to a bin in the back of the place and laughs.]

Bender: Seems like a good place to ditch some evidence. [takes something out of his cavity, opens the bin and finds a familiar robot] Flexo?! What are you doin' in a hazardous wastebin?

Flexo: Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun—

[Bender closes the door on his bearded twin before he can finish the common side effects.]

Farnsworth: Who were you talking to?

Bender: [slides the evidence with his footcup under the bin] No one? Your mama? Shut up? Take your pick.

[Cut to: Mayor Poopenmeyer is having his picture taken as he kisses a little robot and then recycles it.]

Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, New New York Times Online Podcast blog comments editor. Mr. Mayor, isn't this e-waste dangerous?

Poopenmeyer: Not at all, Scoop. Not after it's off to the Third World by an expendable team of minimum-wage nobodies.

[The camera pans to Farnsworth, Leela, Fry, and Bender.]

Farnsworth: [whispering to the other three] Good news, nobodies!

[The crew gets angry at Farnsworth.]

[Scene: Space. The Planet Express ship flies past the sun and approaches a brown dirty planet.]

[First Caption: Third World]

[Second Caption: Of the Antares System]

[The ship flies into its ring which is composed of all old devices.]

[Scene: Exterior shot. The ship lands past many smokestacks and coal factories.]

Antarian #1: Greetings, my friends. It shan't take long to strip down your clunker. [knocks the staircase twice]

Leela: There's nothing wrong with our clunker.

Antarian #1: Really? Because we can smelt out the deadly, deadly chromium to make rat poison and artificial sweeteners.

Leela: No, thanks. We're delivering e-waste.

Antarian #1: Pity. We're halfway done.

[The camera cuts to a wide shop of the ship which is now stripped down to its wiring frame. Another Antarian is stripping down Bender's cavity.]

Antarian #2: This thing is 40% chromium.

[Cut to: A closeup shot of one of the smokestacks. A bird flies through the smoke and becomes a skeleton. The camera pans down to show Fry, Leela and the no longer stripped Bender carrying one of the recycling bins being led by the first Antarian.]

Antarian #1: Gentle now. Gentle with the hover dumpster.

[They stop and break the hover dumpster revealing all the old e-waste. The Antarian takes out a can of flammable oil.]

Antarian #1: Ready for processing! [squirts the oil, takes out a match, lights it, and spreads it on the oil]

Fry: [sniffs as his nose bleeds] What smells like bloody sinuses?

Antarian #1: We burn your e-waste down to the usable metals, safely releasing the toxins into our air and drinking water.

[He indicates a rather frail looking dog licking from a dirty puddle of water. It pants as its tail becomes dismembered.]

Leela: Uch! That's the worst thing I've ever seen!

Antarian #1: Really? Then don't look over there. [points to a bunch of Antarian children playing in a pile of e-Waste, to the kids] Okay, kids, let's play Find the Shiny!

[The kids rummage through the e-waste and cough but still manage to find something shiny.]

Leela: That's even more horrific! Is all the work done by children?

Antarian #1: No. Not the whipping.
[We hear three whip cracks.]
[Scene: Exterior shot of the Planet Express building.]
[Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express living room. Fry and Bender are on the couch, Leela is standing up, while everyone else is sitting at the table.]
<poem>Leela: Granted, we later learned some positive things about recycling. But a better solution is to use our electronics as long as possible, instead of throwing them out in the first place. [walks toward the trash can] I'm gonna start by keeping my old cell phone, even if it is outdated.

[Leela opens the cell phone to reveal that it is an old rotary cell phone.]

Phone: [like an old 1930's switchboard operator] Hello, Miss Turanga, your call to St. Louis has gone through.

Bender: [grabbing the television] Well, let's at least throw this TV out. [rips it from the wall] The batteries in the remote are gettin' low.

Leela: No! Put that back and turn it on!

Bender: I was just tryin' to help. [puts the television back on the wall as Fry turns it on with the remote]

[Morbo is seen on the television next to a graphic of a cat hanging from a tree with the caption "Death Plunge"]

Morbo: More on this breaking puff piece after a word from our sponsor.

[An advertisement that is a parody of Apple iPhone commercials comes on]

Announcer: WIth the new eyePhone, you can watch, listen, ignore your friends, stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus, even check your E-mail while getting hit by a train. All with the new eyePhone.

Mom (v.o.): From Mom.

Leela: A new eyePhone? Forget this junk. [throws out her cell phone again]

Phone: Well, this is a fine howdoyoudo.

Hermes: [throws out his BlackBerry] So long.

Fry: [throws out his phone] Sayonara.

Amy: [throws out her miniature cell phone] Buh-bye.

Zoidberg: [throws out his shell phone] Good riddance.

Bender: [throws out his old wireless phone] Yep.

Farnsworth: [throws out his even older wireless phone] Toodle-oo!

Leela: Come on! Let's buy some eyePhones on line!

[Scene: Exterior of Planet Express building. Leela, Fry, Amy, Bender, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Hermes walk out the door and come to a sudden stop.]

Fry: Wait. I thought we were buying our eyePhones online.

Leela: We are on line.

[It is revealed that they are at the end of what seems to be a pretty long line.]

Fry: But I thought the Mom Store was across town.

Amy: It is across town.
[Whip pan to reveal that the store is indeed all the way across town by the look of the line. Cut back to the Planet Express crew.]
<poem>Fry: But I thought—

Bender: Stop thinking, Fry!

[Scene: Later that night. Pan down from the moon to reveal practically all of New New York still in line moving very slowly.]

Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.

Beeler: The eyePhone has an app for that!

Bender: Is there an app for kissin' my shiny metal ass?

Beeler: Several!

Bender: Ooooooh!

[The line continues to march down the street gradually. Eventually, they reach a bright light, which startles Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: Oh, no! The light! I guess I'm off to Hell.

Hermes: That's the store, Professor.

Farnsworth: Eh-wha?

[Cut to: Overhead shot of the line. Pan up to the Mom Store, which is a glass cube with a white logo in the shape of Mom's head and hair and two moving posters on the side with four dancing silhouettes of Mom in her fat suit, Walt, Larry, and Igner. A message appears on the store front saying "Introducing the All New eyePhone"]

[Scene: Interior shot of the Mom Store. We hear generic alternative music inside the store. We see more moving posters with the dancing silhouettes. The Planet Express crew walks inside.]

Amy: Shwow! It's that obscure underground song that's constantly playing everywhere.

[On one of the video screens, the silhouette of Mom in her fat suit stops dancing, walks into the light and fills the entire screen.]

Mom: [in her sweet voice] Hello, dearies. Welcome to the Mom Store. The new eyePhones are in short supply, so please form an orderly—

Bender: Outta the way!

[Ignoring Mom's advice, the crowd turns into a mob as they each try to get to a register. Fry finally reaches one.]

Fry: [panting] Are there any eyePhones left?

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