Difference between revisions of "Transcript:Bender's Big Score"

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{{transcript infobox
{{transcript infobox
|for=Bender's Big Score
|for=Bender's Big Score
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]] & [[David X. Cohen]]
|thanks to=''Red_Line'' and ''Neosmith92''
|thanks to=''Red_Line'' and ''Neosmith92''
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
Line 7: Line 7:
|next film=The Beast with a Billion Backs
|next film=The Beast with a Billion Backs
}}
}}
[An owl flies over the planet express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]  
:''[An owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]''


Hermes (VO): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!  
'''[[Hermes]]''': ''[Voice over]'' Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!  


[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]  
:''[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]''


Leela: Here!  
'''[[Leela]]''': Here!


Hermes (VO): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!  
'''Hermes''': ''[Voice over]'' Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!


[Nibbler spits out Fry]  
:''[Nibbler spits out Fry]''


Fry: Here!  
'''[[Fry]]''': Here!


Hermes (VO): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!  
'''Hermes''': ''[Voice over]'' Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!


Bender: Here! [Falls on Fry and Leela from above] Cerveza, por favor.  
'''[[Bender]]''': Here! ''[Falls on Fry and Leela from above]'' Cerveza, por favor.


[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]  
:''[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]''


Hermes (VO): Long-term intern, Amy Wong.  
'''Hermes''': ''[Voice over]'' Long-term intern, Amy Wong.


Amy [While combing her long hair]: Here!  
'''[[Amy]]''': ''[While combing her long hair]'' Here!


[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]  
:''[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp and looks exactly like her normal hair]''


Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.  
'''Hermes''': ''[Voice over]'' Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.


[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]  
:''[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]''


Zoidberg: What? I thought it was mine!  
'''[[Zoidberg]]''': Huh? I thought it was mine!


Hermes (VO): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad  
'''Hermes''': ''[Voice over]'' Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad.


Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!  
'''Hermes''': Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!


[Hermes steps out of the way]  
:''[Hermes steps out of the way]''


Farnsworth: You're all fired.  
'''[[Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Farnsworth]]''': You're all fired.


Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!
:''[The other Planet Express members gasp in surprise]''


Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.
'''Hermes''': Sweet bongo of the Congo!


[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]
'''Farnsworth''': In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.


Farnsworth (VO): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our License.
:''[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]''


[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]
'''Farnsworth''': ''[[Voice over]'' Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license.


Fry: We were canceled?
:''[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]''


Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.
'''Fry''': We were canceled?


[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.


Farnsworth: Yes? I see.
:''[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]''


[Farnsworth hangs up]
'''Farnsworth''': Yes? I see.


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.
:''[Farnsworth hangs up]''


Staff: Woohoo!  
'''Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.


Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.
'''Staff''': Woohoo!


Staff: Woo!  
'''Zoidberg''': Yahoo!  


Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.  
'''Farnsworth''': And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.  


Staff: Woo? [Bender laughs]
'''Staff''': Woo!


Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.  
'''Farnsworth''': In fact, most of them died from their injuries.


Fry: Why?  
'''Staff''': Woo? ''[Bender laughs]''


Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.  
'''Farnsworth''': And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.  


[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder” in his trousers]
'''Fry''': Why?


Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.  
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, it's got a million and one uses.  


[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]  
:''[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder” in his trousers]''


Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?
'''Farnsworth''': Ahhh, that soothes the fire.


Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!
:''[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]''


[The staff look at him blankly]
'''Leela''': So what does this mean for us and our many fans?


Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!  
'''Farnsworth''': It means we're back on the air!  


Staff: Woooohoooo!
:''[The staff look at him blankly]''


Bender: We're back, baby!  
'''Farnsworth''': Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!  


[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]
'''Staff''': Woooohoooo!


All: Party! Go, go, go!  
'''Zoidberg''': Yayyy!  


Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!  
'''Bender''': We're back, baby!  


Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?
:''[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]''


Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.
'''All''': Party! Go, go, go!


All: Hooray.
'''[[Cubert]]''': Lower, lawn mower!


Fry: Way to bend it!
'''Hermes''': What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?


Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!
'''Bender''': Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.


Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.  
'''All''': Hooray.  


Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.
'''Fry''': Way to bend it!


Staff: Ooooohh...
'''Bender''': You're the greatest, Bender!


[Hermes rips off his shirt]
'''Hermes''': In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.


Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabers.  
'''Leela''': Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.  


[Fry and Leela fetch down one of them sabers hanging above a fireplace]
'''Staff''': Ooooohh...


Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.
:''[Hermes rips off his shirt]''


[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican style tune as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]
'''Hermes''': Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabers.


Hermes: Lower.
:''[Fry and Leela fetch down one of the sabers hanging above a fireplace]''


[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly]
'''Bender''': Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.


Bender: The fat guy wins!
:''[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican version of the "Sabre Dance" as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]''


Fry: Go, Hermes!
'''Hermes''': Lower.


Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.
:''[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly with blood]''


[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck.]
'''Bender''': The fat guy wins!


Scruffy: Oh, no.
'''Fry''': Go, Hermes!


[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.][An ambulance goes down the street, followed by the opening credits]
'''Hermes''': That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.  


[Main title: It just won't stay dead!]  
:''[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck. Hermes screams.]''


Featuring:  
'''[[Scruffy]]''': Oh, no.


Phillip J. Fry [Fry looks at the screen and smiles, one of his teeth fall out]  
:''[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.]''


Turanga Leela [Leela blows smoke off a laser]  
:''[An ambulance goes down the street, followed by the opening credits]''


Bender Rodriguez [Bender rides up a cliff on a horse]  
:''[Opening credits]''
:''[Title caption: It just won't stay dead!]''
:''[The opening credits include the primary characters appearing in the middle of the screen, each one after the other]''
''Featuring:''
'''Phillip J. Fry''' ''[Fry looks at the screen and smiles, one of his teeth fall out]'';
'''Turanga Leela''' ''[Leela blows smoke off a laser]'';
'''Bender Bending Rodríguez''' ''[Bender rides up a cliff on a horse]'';
'''Amy Wong''' ''[Amy dances to the Futurama theme]'';
'''Dr. John A. Zoidberg''' ''[Zoidberg clicks his claws to the Futurama theme]'';
'''Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth''' ''[Farnsworth looks around, then walks offscreen]'';
'''Hermes Conrad''' ''[Hermes stamps a big "File under: RENEWED" stamp onto the screen]'';
'''And introducing [[Zylex]]''' ''[A yellow monster with big yellow teeth is shown]''


Amy Wong [Amy dances to the Futurama theme]  
:''[Scene: Head museum]''


Dr. John Zoidberg [Zoidberg clicks his claws to the Futurama theme]
'''Fry''': Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?


Professor Hubert Farnsworth [Farnsworth looks around, then walks offscreen]
'''[[Dr. Cahill]]''': I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.


Hermes Conrad [Hermes stamps a big "File under: RENEWED" stamp onto the screen]  
:''[Hermes' head is sitting on a pedestal]''


And introducing Zylex [A yellow monster with big yellow teeth is shown]
'''Hermes''': Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty.


[Scene: Head museum]
'''Dr. Cahill''': I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.


Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?
'''Zoidberg''': Tell me about it.  


Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.
'''Hermes''': I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!


[Hermes head is sitting on a pedestal]
'''Dr. Cahill''': Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!


Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blond bimbo's on duty.
:''[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]''


Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blond and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.  
'''[[Lars]]''': Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.  


Zoidberg: Tell me about it.
'''Leela''': What are you looking at? Is it the eye?


Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!
'''Lars''': Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.


Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!
'''Leela''': Oh. Do I know you?


[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]
'''Lars''': Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.


Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.  
'''Leela''': Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.  


Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?
'''Lars''': Nice to be met.


Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.
'''Hermes''': Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!


Leela: Oh. Do I know you?
'''Lars''': Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!


Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.
:''[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]''


Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.  
'''Amy''': Lars is so flirting with you.  


Lars: Nice to be met.  
'''Leela''': He is so not. He's just being polite.  


Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!
'''Fry''': Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?


Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!
'''Leela''': No. Stop being so immature.


[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]
'''Fry''': I'll show her who's immature.


Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.  
'''Fry''': "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.


Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.  
'''[[Charles de Gualle's Head]]''': I freed France from the Nazis and...


Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?
:''[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]''


Leela: No. Stop being so immature.  
'''Fry''': Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.


Fry: I'll show her who's immature.
'''Bender''': Rock that Frenchman, baby!


Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.
:''[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]''


De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and...
'''[[LaBarbara Conrad|LaBarbara]]''': Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!


[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]
'''Hermes''': There, there, wife. Everything will be all--


Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.  
'''LaBarbara''': Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.


Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!  
'''Hermes''': He has a daddy!


[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]
'''LaBarbara''': No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?


LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!
'''Dr. Cahill''': Yes, but it may take a few days.


Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all--
'''LaBarbara''': No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.


LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.
'''Hermes''': LaBarbara, no!


Hermes: He has a daddy!
'''Bender''': It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.


LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?
'''Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the [[Planet XXX|nude beach planet]].


Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.
'''Staff''': Woohoo!


LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.  
'''Bender''': So long, jerk.


Hermes: LaBarbara, no!
:''[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]''


Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.  
'''Leela''': It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.  


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.  
'''Fry''': That's not the wheel.  


Staff: Woohoo!
:''[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]''


Bender: So long, jerk.[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.  
'''Leela''': It's nice out.  


Fry: That's not the wheel.
:''[The crew starts stripping down]''


[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]  
'''Fry''': "You must be at least this naked"? How much [[Coinage|nakeder]] could you be?


Leela: It's nice out.  
'''Zoidberg''': Watch and learn.  


[The crew starts stripping down]  
:''[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]''


Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?
:''[Fry gags]''


Zoidberg: Watch and learn.  
:''[Scene: Nude beach crowded with all maner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]''


[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
'''Bender''': You know, it's funny.


[Fry gags][Scene: Nude beach crowded with all maner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]
'''Fry''': What?


Bender: You know, it's funny.
'''Bender''': Your wiener!


Fry: What?  
'''Farnsworth''': Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?  


Bender: Your wiener!  
'''Amy''': I'm in!  


Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?
'''Leela''': I'm in.  


Amy: I'm in!
'''Bender''': Yeah, I'll go.


Leela: I'm in.  
'''Fry''': You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.:''[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]'''Fry''': Here's your package, sir.  


Bender: Yeah, I'll go.
'''Bartender''': Why are you talking to my penis?


Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]Fry: Here's your package, sir.  
'''Fry''': Oh, sorry. Sign here.  


Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?  
'''Bartender''': Mind if I use your pen?  


Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.  
'''Fry''': Well, that's not a...  


Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?
:''[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]''


Fry: Well, that's not a...
'''Fry''': And initial here. ''[screams again OC]''


[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]
'''Fry''': Thank you for using Planet Express.


Fry: And initial here. [screams again OC]
'''Leela''': Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.  


Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.  
'''Fry''': Me neither.  


Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.  
'''Bender''': You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.  


Fry: Me neither.  
'''Farnsworth''': So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.  


Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.
:''[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]''


Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.  
:''[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]''


[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]
'''Bender''': Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.


[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]
'''[[Nudar]]''': Sir, would you care to sign our petition?


Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.  
'''Bender''': I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.  


Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?
'''Nudar''': That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.


Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.
'''Bender''': Really? Down with those guys!


Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.  
'''[[Fleb]]''': And we'll need your e-mail address.  


Bender: Really? Down with those guys!
'''Bender''': Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.


Flebb: And we'll need your e-mail address.  
'''Nudar''': Right. That's just what those same guys say.  


Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.
'''Bender''': Them again?


Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.
:''[Bender signs "[email protected]" under "[email protected]" and "zoidberg@freemail.net"]''


Bender: Them again?
:''[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]''


[Bender signs "bender@ilovebender.com" under "[email protected]" and "[email protected]"]
'''Leela''': I don't quite understand what this petition's about.  


[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]  
'''[[Schlump]]''': Um,... animals?


Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.  
'''Leela''': Aw.  


Schlump: Animals?
:''[Leela signs the petition]''


[Leela signs the petition]
'''Schlump''': And your e-mail address.


Schlump: And your e-mail address.
'''Leela''': You won't send me any spam, will you?


Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?
'''Nudar''': Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.


Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.  
:''[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]''


[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]
'''[[Leela's Wrist Thingy]]''': You've got spam.  


Leela's wrist thing: You've got spam.  
'''Leela''': Spam, spam, junk. The very last pygmy rhino is going extinct? Unless it gets my credit card number?


Leela: Spam, spam, junk. The very last pygmy rhino is going extinct? Unless it gets my credit card number?
'''Amy''': Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.  


Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.  
'''Amy's computer''': Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.


Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.  
:''[Amy is angry and speaking Chinese.]''


Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.  
'''Amy''': Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.  


Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number.  
'''Amy's computer''': Please enter credit card number.  


[Amy takes out a wad of cash]  
:''[Amy takes out a wad of cash]''


Amy: Is cash okay?  
'''Amy''': Is cash okay?  


[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash]  
:''[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash & burps]''


[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]  
:''[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]''


Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. [reading] Scientists at West Johnson Pornoversity need test subjects to rate top quality roborotica. Ooh, top-quality.  
'''Bender''': Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. ''[reading]'' Hmmm, scientists at West Johnson Pornoversity need test subjects to rate top quality roborotica. Ooh, top-quality.  


[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]  
:''[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]''


Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.  
'''Bender''': Warning, perform virus scan? Pffft, I'm waiting for porn over here.  


[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]  
:''[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]''


Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.  
'''Bender''': Oh, yeah, come on, baby.  


[An obedience virus downloads itself into bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]  
:''[A virus downloads itself into Bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]''


[Zoidberg scuttles in]
'''Bender''': Roborotic....


Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.
:''[Zoidberg scuttles in]''


Amy: That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?
'''Zoidberg''': Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.  


Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.  
'''Amy''': That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?


[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]
'''Zoidberg''': Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.


Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?
:''[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]''


Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.
'''Hermes''': You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?


[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]
'''Zoidberg''': That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.


Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.Hermes: I am here!Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!
:''[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]''


[Scene: conference table.]
'''Farnsworth''': What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.


Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phony Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phony. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phony. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?
'''Hermes''': I am here!'''


Leela: No, it's a scam!  
Farnsworth''': Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!  


Farnsworth: Yes, yes, a scam. My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.
:''[Scene: conference table.]''


Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!
'''Farnsworth''': Now, it's not hard to spot a phony Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phony. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phony. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?


Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.
'''Leela''': No, it's a scam!


Amy: No, don't!
'''Farnsworth''': Yes, yes, a scam. My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.


Leela: It's a scam!  
'''Hermes''': Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!  


Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?
'''Farnsworth''': I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.


Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!  
'''Amy''': No, don't!  


[Door bell rings]
'''Leela''': It's a scam!


Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?  
'''Hermes''': Why won't anybody listen to me?!?  


Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.  
'''Farnsworth''': And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!


[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]  
:''[Door bell rings]''


Farnsworth: Hwhaa?  
'''Farnsworth''': That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?  


Bender: I'll deal with these guys. Welcome, boss.  
'''Nudar''': Hi. We own your company now.  


Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.
:''[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]''


Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. [Bender imitates trumpet sounds] Presenting our new masters!
'''Farnsworth''': Hwhaa?


[Scene: Planet express hangar, it looks like an office now]
'''Bender''': I'll deal with these guys. Welcome, boss.


Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?  
'''Amy''': Hey, what the hell?  


Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!
'''Nudar''': Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the [[iObey|obedience virus]].  


Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.
'''Bender''': I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. ''[Bender gets a red carpet out of his cavity and imitates a trumpet fanfare]'' Presenting our new masters!


Amy: Yeah!
:''[Scene: Planet Express hangar, it looks like an office now]''


Fry: Yeah!
'''Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]''': Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?


Leela: Hi-yah!  
'''Nudar''': Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!  


[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]
'''Leela''': We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.  


[Bender chuckles]
'''Amy''': Yeah!


Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads ofquote-unquote merchandise to deliver.
'''Fry''': Yeah!


[Flebb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]
'''Zoidberg''': Yeah!


Flebb: Ship them out, Your Highness.
'''Leela''': Hi-yah!


Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.  
:''[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]''


[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]  
:''[Bender chuckles]''


Amy: I feel a little better.  
'''Nudar''': Now get back to work, you turkeys! Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver.  


[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]  
:''[Fleb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]''


Bender: Those marvelous scammers sure scammed us, huh?
'''Fleb''': Ship them out, Your Highness.


Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?
'''Zoidberg''': Finally, some respect.


Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.  
:''[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]''


[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]
'''Amy''': I feel a little better.


Lars: Greetings, earthlings.
:''[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]''


Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.
'''Bender''': Those marvelous scammers sure scammed us, huh?


Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.
'''Leela''': How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?


Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?  
'''Bender''': Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Hee hee hee hee. Boy, were we suckers.


Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.
:''[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]''  


[Bender chuckles]
'''Lars''': Greetings, earthlings.


Bender: It's a fake place.  
'''Fry''': Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.  


Hermes: Cut to the chase, baldy. When do I get my me back?
'''Lars''': Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.  


Lars: Well, it could be months, or even years.  
'''Hermes''': Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?


Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?
'''Lars''': Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.  


Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.
:''[Bender chuckles]''


Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.  
'''Bender''': It's a fake place.  


Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.  
'''Hermes''': Cut to the chase, baldy. When do I get my me back?


[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]
'''Lars''': Well, it could be months, or even years.


Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.
'''Hermes''': No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?


Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.  
'''Amy''': Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.  


Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.  
'''Zoidberg''': Barbados Slim? I love that guy.  


Amy: No, Leela will show him out.
:''[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]''


Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.  
'''Hermes''': Everybody loves Slim.  


[Scene: Planet Express door]
'''Hermes''': He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.


Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?
'''Lars''': Well, maybe I should get going.  


Leela: Nope.  
'''Fry''': Yes, I'll show you out.  


Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.  
'''Amy''': No, Leela will show him out.  


Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"
'''Leela''': No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.  


Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.
:''[Scene: Planet Express door]


[Both chuckle]
'''Lars''': So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?


Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00?
'''Leela''': Nope.


Leela: Okay.  
'''Lars''': Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.  


[Back at the lounge...]
'''Leela''': Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"


Fry: It's no fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?
'''Lars''': Let me maybe give it some thought.  


Amy: Yes.
:''[Both chuckle]''


Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.
'''Lars''': Tomorrow at 8:00?


Leela: Lars asked me out!
'''Leela''': Okay.


[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]  
:''[Back at the lounge...]''


[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]
'''Fry''': It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?


Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?
'''Amy''': Yes.


Schlump: Sprunjing for information.  
'''Fry''': Look at it again.  


[Nudar sprunjes a wall]  
''[There is a heart-shaped piece of red construction paper with Fry and Leela on either side]''


Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!
'''Fry''': I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.  


Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!  
'''Leela''': Lars asked me out!  


[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]  
:''[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]''


Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?
:''[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]''


Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?  
'''Bender''': What are you doing, wonderful masters?  


Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?
'''Fleb''': Sprunjing for information.  


Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.
:''[Nudar sprunjes a wall]''


Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.  
'''Nudar''': Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!


[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
'''Bender''': Goody, goody, goody, goody!


[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]  
:''[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]''


Bender: Hey, look, a safe!
'''Zoidberg''': What's that thing on your neck?


Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.
'''Nudar''': Checking out my sprunjer, huh?


Nudar: No callsies! Open it!
'''Zoidberg''': I guess. What does it do?


[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]
'''Nudar''': It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... ''[moans]'' Information.  


Flebb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!
'''Zoidberg''': Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.  


[The nudists start moaning]  
:''[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]''


[Fry and Leela enter]  
:''[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]''


Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?
'''Bender''': Hey, look, a safe!


Leela: Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn't have the Hulk on it.  
'''Farnsworth''': That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.  


[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]
'''Nudar''': No callsies! Open it!


Nudar: Who are you?
:''[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]''


Fry: Philip J. Fry.  
'''Schlump''': It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!


Flebb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?
:''[The nudists start moaning]''


Fry: That's right.
:''[Fry and Leela enter]''  


Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.  
'''Fry''': I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?


[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]
'''Leela''': Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn't have the Hulk on it.


Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.
:''[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]''


Nudar: It's in his pants!
'''Nudar''': Who are you?


Fry: What the hell are you talking about?
'''Fry''': Philip J. Fry.


[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tatoo of Bender smoking a cigar]
'''Schlump''': Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?


[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]
'''Fry''': That's right.  


Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]: Faster, faster!
'''Nudar''': I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.


Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.
:''[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]''


[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]
'''Fleb''': Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.


Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?
'''Nudar''': It's in his pants!


Nudar: I'm not seeing any information. Do more things!
'''Fry''': What the hell are you talking about?


[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]  
:''[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tatoo of Bender smoking a cigar]''


Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.  
:''[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]


Bender: Who the hell is he?
'''Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]''': Faster, faster!


Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.  
'''Farnsworth''': I'm sciencing as fast as I can.  


Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.
:''[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]''


[Pullback to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]
'''Bender''': What do you say, folks? Hot or not?


"God": Huh?
'''Nudar''': I'm not seeing any information. Do more things!


[A green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender]  
:''[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]''


Flebb: A time sphere.  
'''Nudar''': You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.  


Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!
'''Bender''': Who the hell is he?


Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?
'''Scruffy''': I'm Scruffy, the janitor.


Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.  
'''Bender''': Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.  


Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.
:''[Pull back to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]''


Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!
"[[God]]": Huh?


[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]  
:''[He shoots a tiny green ball towards Earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender and appears to be much larger than before]''


Nibbler: Stop, you fools!
'''Fleb''': A time sphere.


[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]
'''Nudar''': Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!


Amy: What's going on?  
'''Leela''': What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?  


Farnsworth: What is happening?
'''Fry''': It was bound to be somewhere.


Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?
'''Fleb''':: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.  


Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.
'''Nudar''': And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!


Amy: Oh, he's so adorable.  
:''[The scammers and Bender laugh evilly.]''


Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.
:''[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]''


Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.
'''[[Nibbler]]''': Stop, you fools!


Nibber: But even a single use could shatter the universe!
:''[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]''


Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.
'''Amy''': What's going on?


Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!
'''Farnsworth''': What is happening?


[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]
'''Leela''': Nibbler, you... You can talk?


???: Hey! That tickles.  
'''Nibbler''': I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.  


Nudar: And the pitch!
'''Amy''': Oh, he's so adorable.


[Nudar grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]
'''Fleb''': The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.


Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!
'''Nudar''': My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.


Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!  
'''Nibbler''': But even a single use could shatter the universe!  


Nibblonian: Scamper!
'''Nudar''': Got it. Two or three times.


[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown with it", then hits a wall and explodes]
'''Nibbler''': I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!


Zoidberg: Aawww...
:''[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]''


Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!
???: Hey! That tickles.  
 
Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?


Nibbler: Dooooooomed!  
'''Schlump''': And the pitch!  


[Scene: Exterior PE]  
:''[Schlump grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]''


[Scene: Interior PE, Farnsworth's lab]
'''Nibblonian''': Mayday, mayday!


Nudar: Stand back you wing wangs. I'm gonna try out this timesphere with a quick test drive to yesterday.
'''Aliens''': Hey! Hey! Hey!


Farnsworth: Bushwah. You can't go mucking about in the past without creating paradoxes.
'''Nibblonian''': Scamper!


Nibbler: I'm afraid he can. It's a paradox correcting time code. It all works perfectly. Except when it rips open the universe. Don't do it, I beg you ...
:''[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown" with it, then hits a wall and explodes]''


[Nudar steps into the time sphere, Nibbler's voice fades out and everything outside is in slow motion]
'''Zoidberg''': Aawww...


Nudar: Yesterday please, and make it snappy.  
'''Nibbler''': Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!


Crew: wha???  
'''Fry''': Can I pull up my pants now?  


[Door whooshes open off screen]
'''Nibbler''': Dooooooomed!


Nudar: Hello.
:''[Scene: Exterior PE]''


Nudar': Howdy.
:''[Scene: Interior PE, Farnsworth's lab]''


Bender: Hey! What the ...?
'''Nudar''': Stand back you wing wangs. I'm gonna try out this timesphere with a quick test drive to yesterday.  


[Crew gasps]
'''Farnsworth''': Bushwah. You can't go mucking about in the past without creating paradoxes.


Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two.  
'''Nibbler''': I'm afraid he can. It's a paradox correcting time code. It all works perfectly. Except when it rips open the universe. Don't do it, I beg you ...  


Nudar: Nothing gets past you eagle eye. I went back to last night and met the me of that time for a drink. One thing led to another and we ended up at my place, or should I say our place.
:''[Nudar steps into the time sphere, Nibbler's voice fades out and everything outside is in slow motion]''


[Nudar and Nudar' "kiss"]
'''Nudar''': Yesterday please, and make it snappy.


Leela: Blech.
'''Crew''': wha???


Nudar: Oh come on ya bunch of prudes.
:''[Door whooshes open off screen]''


Farnsworth: This isn't merely revolting, it's impossible to boot. I know a paradox when I see one.  
'''Nudar''': Hello.  


[Farnsworth leans back on the smelloscope. A screw pops out and the scope crushes Nudar'.]
'''Nudar-2''': Howdy.  


Farnsworth: Whaaa?  
'''Bender''': Hey! What the ...?  


[Crew Gasps]  
:''[Crew gasps]''


Farnsworth: Ahh, paradox resolved. Someone get a mop.  
'''Zoidberg''': There was one, but now there's two.  


[scene: a stack of domed houses. Dwight rings a door bell marked "Conrad". ]
'''Nudar''': Nothing gets past you eagle eye. I went back to last night and met the me of that time for a drink. One thing led to another and we ended up at my place, or should I say our place.  


Dwight: You're looking well pops.
:''[Nudar and Nudar-2 "kiss"]''


Hermes: How can you look me in the eye 'n eye and say that? I'm nothin' but a brain. A useless, filthy brain.  
'''Leela''': Blech.  


Barbados Slim (OS): You forgot lice infested.
'''Nudar''': Oh come on, ya bunch of prudes!


Hermes: I didn't forget it, I just chose not to .... [gasps] Barbados Slim! What are you doin' here? IS there somethin' goin' on between you two?
'''Farnsworth''': This isn't merely revolting, it's impossible to boot. I know a paradox when I see one.  


LeBarbara: Oh no no no no, we jus' ah happened to run into each other shortly after your accident.  
:''[Farnsworth leans back on the smelloscope. A screw pops out and the scope crushes Nudar-2.]''


Slim: And every night since then.
'''Farnsworth''': Whaaa?


[Slim and LeBarbara laugh.]  
:''[Crew Gasps]''


LeBarbara: you're so crazy.  
'''Farnsworth''': Ahh, paradox resolved. Someone get a mop.  


Hermes: Woman! No! Ohh, who am I kiddin'? Without my body, I'm a nobody.  
:''[Scene: a stack of domed houses. Dwight rings a door bell marked "Conrad".]


LeBarbara: I'm sorry Hermes. But look at Barbados. You can't argue with those luscious pecks.  
'''[[Dwight]]''': You're looking well, pops.  


Hermes: No I can't. But I can ask him to stop wiggling them in my face.  
'''Hermes''': How can you look me in the eye 'n eye and say that? I'm nothin' but a brain. A useless, filthy brain.  


Slim: I'm not wiggling them. They do that by themselves.  
'''[[Barbados Slim]] (OS)''': You forgot lice infested.  


[scene: PE building interior]  
'''Hermes''': I didn't forget it, I just chose not to .... [gasps] Barbados Slim! What are you doin' here? IS there somethin' goin' on between you two?


Nudar: I think I'll go back in time and steal the Liberty Bell before it cracked. Or is the crack the valuable part?
'''LaBarbara''': Oh no no no no, we jus' ah happened to run into each other shortly after your accident.  


Farnsworth: I don't know you naked crook.  
'''Slim''': And every night since then.  


Fleb: [reading from "A Brief History of Time Travel"] We have a problem Nudar. It's a one way time code. It can take us to the past, but it can't bring us back to the present.
:''[Slim and LaBarbara laugh.]''  


Bender: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Masters, if I might, let me do the stealing. I'll go to the past and snatch everything I can get my greasy mitts on. Then, as a robot, I could just wait it out for a few centuries in the limestone cavern beneath this building. Oh, it'll be ever so much fun.  
'''LaBarbara''': You're so crazy.  


Nudar: Hey, that's perfect. We sit back and let dum dum here do the stealing.  
'''Hermes''': Woman! No! Ohh, who am I kiddin'? Without my body, I'm a nobody.  


Bender: Dum dum away. Zero zero one one ....  
'''LaBarbara''': I'm sorry Hermes. But look at Barbados. You can't argue with those luscious pecks.  


[Nibbler gasps as Bender finishes reciting the time code. The time sphere appears and Bender jumps into it. A moment later, a trap door in the floor open and Bender emerges carrying a painting.]
'''Hermes''': No I can't. But I can ask him to stop wiggling them in my face.  


Leela: The Mona Lisa!
'''Slim''': I'm not wiggling them. They do that by themselves.


Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished.
:''[Scene: PE building interior]


Schlump: Davinci give you any trouble?  
'''Nudar''': I think I'll go back in time and steal the Liberty Bell before it cracked. Or is the crack the valuable part?  


Bender: Let's just say he may not make it to the last supper. Hahahahahaha.
'''Farnsworth''': I don't know, you naked crook!


Farnsworth: Preposterous twaddlecock. Time travel is impossible.  
'''Fleb''': ''[reading from "A Brief History of Time Travel"]'' We have a problem Nudar. It's a one way time code. It can take us to the past, but it can't bring us back to the present.  


Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself, remember, when we went back to Roswell?
'''Bender''': Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Masters, if I might, let me do the stealing. I'll go to the past and snatch everything I can get my greasy mitts on. Then, as a robot, I could just wait it out for a few centuries in the limestone cavern beneath this building. Oh, it'll be ever so much fun.


Farnsworth: That proves nothing. And furthermore, you'd think I'd remember a thing like that. Plus, who are you anyway?
'''Nudar''': Hey, that's perfect. We sit back and let dum dum here do the stealing.  


Bender: Man, this is fun on a bun. Here I go again.  
'''Bender''': Dum dum away. Zero zero one one ....  


Nibbler: Oh no you don't.  
:''[Nibbler gasps as Bender finishes reciting the time code. The time sphere appears and Bender jumps into it. A moment later, a trap door in the floor open and Bender emerges carrying a painting.]''


[Bender recites the time code]
'''Leela''': The Mona Lisa!


[Scene: Egypt, 1351 BC - pan from Ramses' tomb, pyramids in the background, to 4 Egyptians carrying a sarcophagus. The time sphere appears and Bender steps out]
'''Bender''': Sorry, it's not quite finished.  


Bender: Scarab, four arm, bird, bird, bird.
'''Schlump''':: Da Vinci give you any trouble?


[Subtitle: drop the sarcophagus]
'''Bender''': Let's just say he may not make it to ''The Last Supper''. Hahahahahaha.


[Scene: PE building, Bender emerges from the trap door holding a artifact over his face]
'''Farnsworth''': Preposterous twaddlecock! Time travel is impossible.


Bender: Boo! Hahahaha. Naw, it's just me, Bender.
'''Fry''': But Professor, you time traveled yourself, remember, when we went back to Roswell?


[Scene: Exterior, of PE building. Cut to Professor's lab.]
'''Farnsworth''': That proves nothing. And furthermore, you'd think I'd remember a thing like that. Plus, who are you anyway?


Farnsworth: I must tell you Hedonismbot, I hate to sell my doomsday devices to a private collector. But with my business stolen I have to make ends meet. You will be careful?
'''Bender''': Man, this is fun on a bun. Here I go again.  


Hedonismbot: I shan't touch them until I've had Jumbie lock the absinthe and ether away. Ohhhh, what does this one do?
'''Nibbler''': Oh no you don't.  


[Hedonismbot picks up one that looks like a lava lamp]  
:''[Bender recites the time code]''


Farnsworth: Uh, that one kills everything everywhere.  
:''[Scene: Egypt, 1351 BC - pan from Ramses' tomb, pyramids in the background, to 4 Egyptians carrying a sarcophagus. The time sphere appears and Bender steps out]


[Hedonismbot drops the device which rolls off the shelf. Sound of glass braking]
'''Bender''': Scarab, four arm, bird, bird, bird!


Hedonismbot: How delightful. And this one?
:''[Subtitle: "Drop the sarcophagus!"]''


[Hedonismbot holds up the spheroboom]  
:''[Scene: PE building, Bender emerges from the trap door holding a artifact over his face]''


Farnsworth: Sir! The sphereoboom is not for sale.  
'''Bender''': Boo! Hahahaha. Naw, it's just me, Bender.  


[Farnsworth places the sphereoboom into a satchel and handcuffs it to his wrist.  
:''[Scene: Exterior, of PE building. Cut to Professor's lab.]


Farnsworth: It's my sentimental favorite.  
'''Farnsworth''': I must tell you Hedonismbot, I hate to sell my doomsday devices to a private collector. But with my business stolen I have to make ends meet. You will be careful?


Hedonismbot: No need to explain. I too have known unconventional love. Perhaps you and I, and Jumbie, could get together and compare notes sometime, eh?  
'''[[Hedonismbot]]''': I shan't touch them till I've had Jambi lock the absinthe and ether away. Ohhhh, what does this one do?  


[Farnsworth blushes and chuckles.]  
:''[Hedonismbot picks up one that looks like a lava lamp]''


[Scene: Sweden, 2308, Sweedledome - cut to interior of an Auditorium with a banner "Nobel Prizes 2308]
'''Farnsworth''': Uh, that one kills everything everywhere.


MC: ... resulting in peace between east and west coat rappers ...
:''[Hedonismbot drops the device which rolls off the shelf. Sound of glass braking]''


[The roof caves in]
'''Hedonismbot''': How delightful. And this one?


MC: Good god!
:''[Hedonismbot holds up the spheroboom]''


[Bender in a flying saucer crashes down. Bender grabs the Nobel prize and check]
'''Farnsworth''': Sir! The sphereoboom is not for sale.  


Bender: I accept this Nobel peace prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skål!
:''[Farnsworth places the sphereoboom into a satchel and handcuffs it to his wrist.''


[Bender takes off, audience claps. Cut to exterior of Sweedledome, Bender crashes out through roof in a different place. Cut to city scene - three fighter air craft pursue Bender, guns firing. Bender's flying saucer takes a hit, rocking it.]
'''Farnsworth''': It's my sentimental favorite.  


Bender: Not so neutral now, are you Sweden?  
'''Hedonismbot''': No need to explain. I too have known unconventional love. Perhaps you and I, and Jambi, could get together and compare notes sometime, eh?  


[Bender presses a button marked "Activate Decoys". Six duplicate saucers fan out behind his. Cut to interior of Applied Cryogenics, Fry frozen in his tube, old New York outside of window. Flying saucers fly over blasting everything in sight. Bender laughs maniacally.]  
:''[Farnsworth blushes and chuckles.]''


[Scene: Leela's eye. Pull back, Leela is applying Torgos Executive Power eyeliner, She, Fry, and Hermes' head are on the couch in the PE lounge.]
:''[Scene: Sweden, 2308, Sweedledome - cut to interior of an Auditorium with a banner "Nobel Prizes 2308]''


Leela: Be honest with me. Does my eye look monstery? I don't want to look monstery for my date with Lars.  
'''MC''': ... resulting in peace between east and west coat rappers ...  


Hermes: At least a monster has a body. What I wouldn't give for Wolfman's torso, or any of the groovy ghoulies.
:''[The roof caves in]''


Leela [looking at Lars' business card]: Ohh, I think I'll wear that slutty dress I've been saving for easter.
'''MC''': Good god!


Fry [taking the card from Leela]: I'd like to punch Lars right in his ruggedly good looking face.
:''[Bender in a flying saucer crashes down. Bender grabs the Nobel prize and check]''


[Scene: Farnsworth is sleeping on a couch, clutching the satchel containing the spheroboom. The aliens look in the door.]
'''Bender''': I accept this Nobel peace prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skål!


Nudar: Like all rich people, we're gonna need weapons to shoot poor people.  
:''[Bender takes off, audience claps. Cut to exterior of Sweedledome, Bender crashes out through roof in a different place. Cut to city scene - three fighter air craft pursue Bender, guns firing. Bender's flying saucer takes a hit, rocking it.]''


Schlump: In self defense?  
'''Bender''': Not so neutral now, are you Sweden?  


Nudar: Yes, that too. Bender, go steal the doomsday device chained to the professors wrist.  
:''[Bender presses a button marked "Activate Decoys". Six duplicate saucers fan out behind his. Cut to interior of Applied Cryogenics, Fry frozen in his tube, old New York outside of window. Flying saucers fly over blasting everything in sight. Bender laughs maniacally.]''


Bender: Never! Ha ha, I'm kidding. You guys know I have to do whatever you say.  
:''[Scene: Leela's eye. Pull back, Leela is applying Torgos Executive Power eyeliner, She, Fry, and Hermes' head are on the couch in the PE lounge.]''


Nudar: Here, swap this for the real one.  
'''Leela''': Be honest with me. Does my eye look monstery? I don't want to look monstery for my date with Lars.  


Bender: Ahhh! The old switcheroo.  
'''Hermes''': At least a monster has a body. What I wouldn't give for Wolfman's torso, or any of the groovy ghoulies.  


Nudar: Yes, but don't wake him. You'll need jeweler's tools and foot cup silencers.  
'''Leela [looking at Lars' business card]''': Ohh, I think I'll wear that slutty dress I've been saving for Easter.  


Bender: Hey, I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do. Bender knows when to use finesse.
'''Fry [taking the card from Leela]''': I'd like to punch Lars right in his ruggedly good looking face!


[scene: Nudar, door opens to reveal Bender with the satchel, a severed hand still attached to the handcuff, and a bloody hacksaw.]  
:''[Scene: Farnsworth is sleeping on a couch, clutching the satchel containing the spheroboom. The aliens look in the door.]''


Bender: Here ya go.  
'''Nudar''': Like all rich people, we're gonna need weapons to shoot poor people.  


Nudar: Put it in the safe, clanky.
'''Schlump''': In self defense?


[Scene: Bender at the safe. Take hand and discards it. Sounds of breaking glass and slap.]
'''Nudar''': Yes, that too. Bender, go steal the doomsday device chained to the professor's wrist.  


Zoidberg [OC]: Owww!  
'''Bender''': Never! Ha ha, I'm kidding. You guys know I have to do whatever you say.


Bender: Wheeeeeeee.  
'''Nudar''': Here, swap this for the real one.  


[Scene: exterior Dr. Zoidberg's office door]
'''Bender''': Ahhh! The old switcheroo.  


Zoidberg [voice over]: It's the damdest thing ...  
'''Nudar''': Yes, but don't wake him. You'll need jeweler's tools and foot cup silencers.  


[Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office where he's sewing Farnsworth's hand back on.]
'''Bender''': Hey! I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do. Bender knows when to use finesse.  


Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgecicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tuckus.  
:''[Scene: Nudar, door opens to reveal Bender with the satchel, a severed hand still attached to the handcuff, and a bloody hacksaw.]''


Farnsworth: Yes, well, these things happen. Fortunately the sphereoboom is still safe.  
'''Bender''': Here ya go.  


[Opens satchel which contains a rose with a tag that reads "you've been scammed sweetheart"]
'''Nudar''': Put it in the safe, clanky.


Farnsworth: Scammed? Me!? Sweetheart?!? Ohh!
:''[Scene: Bender at the safe. Take hand and discards it. Sounds of breaking glass and slap.]''


[Throws satchel. Cut to hallway outside of office, Bender catches the satchel in his compartment and laughs.]  
'''Zoidberg [OC]''': Owww!


Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?
'''Bender''': Wheeeeeeee.  


Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.  
:''[Scene: exterior Dr. Zoidberg's office door]''


Herems: Hmmm.  
'''Zoidberg [voice over]''': It's the damdest thing ...  


[Scene: PE lounge]  
:''[Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office where he's sewing Farnsworth's hand back on.]''


Hermes: All I'm askin' is for you to go back in time to when I still had my body and bring it back for me.  
'''Zoidberg''': ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgesicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tokhes.  


Bender: What do I do with your old head?
'''Farnsworth''': Yes, well, these things happen. Fortunately the sphereoboom is still safe.


Hermes: I don't care in the slightest.
:''[Opens satchel which contains a rose with a tag that reads "You've been scammed sweetheart"]''


Bender: [brandishing bloody hack saw] Can do!  
'''Farnsworth''': Scammed? Me!? Sweetheart?!? Ohh!  


[Scene: Zoidberg's office, Hermes' decapitated body is sitting on the gurney. Zoidberg shakes Torgo's Executive Powder into a bowl]
:''[Throws satchel. Cut to hallway outside of office, Bender catches the satchel in his compartment and laughs.]''


Hermes: Come on, mon!
'''Hermes''': You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?


Zoidberg: [pouring some liquid from Hermes' jar into the bowl] Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.  
'''Zoidberg''': Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.  


Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. [looking down] What are those?
'''Hermes''': Hmmm.  


[Pull back to reveal Hermes' head is on backwards]
:''[Scene: PE lounge]''


Hermes: You incompetent crab!
'''Hermes''': All I'm askin' is for you to go back in time to when I still had my body and bring it back for me.


Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.
'''Bender''': What do I do with your old head?


Herems: Grrrrrr....  
'''Hermes''': I don't care in the slightest.  


[Scene: exterior of Zoidberg's office. Door opens and Zoidberg rushes out whooping, followed by an angry Hermes.]  
'''Bender''': ''[brandishing bloody hack saw]'' Can do!


[Scene: Farnsworth's lab, Farnsworth is using the finglonger to point to the equation E=9.87sin(2B)-7.53cos(B)-1.5sin(B) (which is really the Equation of Time for correcting sundials) on a black board.]  
:''[Scene: Zoidberg's office, Hermes' decapitated body is sitting on the gurney. Zoidberg shakes Torgo's Executive Powder into a bowl]''


Farnsworth: I believe this paradoicality equation to be unsolvable, ergo time travel is impossible. But I can't quite prove it, Bubblegum. Perhaps you and your razzle dazzle Globetrotter calculus could ...
'''Hermes''': Come on, mon!


Bubblegum: [interrupting] Looks pretty damn solvable to me, Farnsy. Sweet Clyde, use variation of parameter and expand the Wronskain.  
'''Zoidberg''': ''[pouring some liquid from Hermes' jar into the bowl]'' Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.  


[Passes chalk to Sweet Clyde who dribbles the chalk up to the board while the other Globetrotters whistle. Clyde writes an equation under the original then passes the chalk to the other trotters.]  
'''Hermes''': Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. ''[looking down]'' What are those?


Farnsworth: Shizz, baby. So paradox free time travel is possible after all.
:''[Pull back to reveal Hermes' head is on backwards]''


Bubblegum: Right on. But dig this multiplicand here.
'''Hermes''': You incompetent crab!


Farnsworth: The doom field? That must be what corrects the paradoxes.  
'''Zoidberg''': I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.  


Sweet Clyde: But that momma rises exponentially. It could rupture the very fabric of causality.  
'''Hermes''': Grrrrrr....  


Nibbler: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
:''[Scene: exterior of Zoidberg's office. Door opens and Zoidberg rushes out whooping, followed by an angry Hermes.]''


[Nibbler gets kicked by Zoidberg who runs in, followed by Hermes. Hermes makes a wrong turn and collides with the black board and falls to the floor, gasping for breath.]  
:''[Scene: Farnsworth's lab, Farnsworth is using the finglonger to point to the equation E=9.87sin(2B)-7.53cos(B)-1.5sin(B) (which is really the Equation of Time for correcting sundials) on a black board.]  


Farnsworth: Hermes, you got your body back. Hurrah!
'''Farnsworth''': I believe this paradoicality equation to be unsolvable, ergo time travel is impossible. But I can't quite prove it, Bubblegum. Perhaps you and your razzle dazzle Globetrotter calculus could ...  


Hermes: Yes, but not the original. Bender went back in time and picked up a copy.  
'''[[Bubblegum]]''': ''[interrupting]'' Looks pretty damn solvable to me, Farnsy. Sweet Clyde, use variation of parameter and expand the Wronskian.  


Bubblegum: A copy! Funky cold medina. According to this equation, a time travel duplicate results in a complex denominator in the causality ratio.  
:''[Passes chalk to Sweet Clyde who dribbles the chalk up to the board while the other Globetrotters whistle. Clyde writes an equation under the original then passes the chalk to the other trotters.]''


Sweet Clyde: Oh Snap! You know what that means.  
'''Farnsworth''': Shizz, baby. So paradox free time travel is possible after all.  


Hermes: I can guess. Actually, I can't guess.  
'''Bubblegum''': Right on. But dig this multiplicand here.  


Bubblegum: Prof, you got a doom meter in this lab.  
'''Farnsworth''': The doom field? That must be what corrects the paradoxes.  


[Fansworth picks up a device and scans Hermes. The device buzzes and chirps like a Geiger counter].  
'''[[Curly Joe]]''': When that momma rises exponentially, it could rupture the very fabric of causality.  


Farnsworth: [looking at doom meter showing nearly 1000 millidooms] Good Lord Bubblegum. The duplicate body is emitting doom at ten times the back ground level.  
'''Nibbler''': That's what I've been trying to tell you.  


Bubblegum: I thought as much. A duplicate body is always doomed. It's just a matter of time.
:''[Nibbler gets kicked by Zoidberg who runs in, followed by Hermes. Hermes makes a wrong turn and collides with the black board and falls to the floor, gasping for breath.]''


Hermes: I don't care. I just need it long enough to bird dog in an win LeBarbara back.  
'''Farnsworth''': Hermes, you got your body back. Hurrah!


Bubblegum: Best bird dog fast my brother.  
'''Hermes''': Yes, but not the original. Bender went back in time and picked up a copy.  


Hermes: That the way I bird dog best.  
'''Bubblegum''': A copy! Funky cold medina. According to this equation, a time travel duplicate results in a complex denominator in the causality ratio.  


[Scene: Elzars. Leela and Lars are at a table. Lars is holding a glass to Leela's mouth on a spoon as Leela laughs.]
'''[[Sweet Clyde]]''': Oh Snap! Bet you know what that means.  


Lars: Drink, quick. I can't balance it much longer.  
'''Hermes''': I can guess. Actually, I can't guess.  


Leela: Wait .. I .. [Leela drinks]
'''Bubblegum''': Prof, you got a doom meter in this lab.  


Lars: Yes!
:''[Fansworth picks up a device and scans Hermes. The device buzzes and chirps like a Geiger counter.]''


Leela: This is so much fun Lars. Most men are intimidated by the fact that I could kill them with the flick of my wrist.  
'''Farnsworth''': ''[looking at doom meter showing nearly 1000 millidooms]'' Good Lord, Bubblegum. The duplicate body is emitting doom at ten times the back ground level.  


Lars: Well not me. 'Cause if you do, you'll be stuck with the check.  
'''Bubblegum''': I thought as much. A duplicate body is always doomed. It's just a matter of time.  


Elzar: [with a spice weasel] Folks, care for a little fresh ground executive?
'''Hermes''': I don't care. I just need it long enough to bird dog in an win LaBarbara back.


Leela: Please.  
'''Bubblegum''': Best bird dog fast my brother.  


Elzer: Bam!
'''Hermes''': That the way I bird dog best.


[Elzar yanks the spice weasel which emits a puff from it's nose onto Leela's dinner. A pink cloud forming a pair of interlocking hearts float up in front of Leela, framing their faces as they smile at each other.]  
:''[Scene: Elzar's. Leela and Lars are at a table. Lars is holding a glass to Leela's mouth on a spoon as Leela laughs.]''


Elzar: Don't get excited kids, this thing's got heart shaped nostrils. Want to see it make a star?
'''Lars''': Drink, quick. I can't balance it much longer.  


[Elzar turns the spice weasel around and lifts it's tail.]  
'''Leela''': Wait .. I .. ''[Leela drinks]''


Leela and Lars: No!  
'''Lars''': Yes!  


[Montage of Lars and Leela playing outer space mini-golf, sitting in a hover car at the Cylon War Memorial at Makeout Point, and taking a soap bubble ride. In the latter, Fry, in another soap bubble with a bouquet of roses, sees Leela and Lars in an embrace. He thrown the roses away in disgust. The bubble pops and he drops screaming.]
'''Leela''': This is so much fun Lars. Most men are intimidated by the fact that I could kill them with the flick of my wrist.  


[Scene: PE building hanger, Bender come up through the trap door with a book].  
'''Lars''': Well not me. 'Cause if you do, you'll be stuck with the check.  


Bender: Here's your Gutenberg Bible master. Plus the Colonel's secret recipe; Chicken, Grease, Salt.
'''[[Elzar]]''': ''[with a spice weasel]'' Folks, care for a little fresh ground executive?


Fleb: Well, that does it. We've got every valuable object in history.  
'''Leela''': Please.  


[He tosses the bible over his shoulder, hitting Fry in the head]
'''Elzar''': Bam!


Fry: Owww!
:''[Elzar yanks the spice weasel which emits a puff from it's nose onto Leela's dinner. A pink cloud forming a pair of interlocking hearts float up in front of Leela, framing their faces as they smile at each other.]''


Nudar: Hmm. Now that I'm rich I suddenly care if the universe gets destroyed. We can't use that dangerous time code again. Blank it from the robot's memory.  
'''Elzar''': Don't get excited kids, this thing's got heart shaped nostrils. Want to see it make a star?


[Fleb holds up a head cleaner cassette. Bender opens his mouth]  
:''[Elzar turns the spice weasel around and lifts it's tail.]''


Bender: Ahhhhh.
'''Leela and Lars''': No!


Nudar: [looking at Fry] I'll vaporize this guy so his ass doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
:''[Montage of Lars and Leela playing outer space mini-golf, sitting in a hover car at the Cylon War Memorial at Makeout Point, and taking a soap bubble ride. In the latter, Fry, in another soap bubble with a bouquet of roses, sees Leela and Lars in an embrace. He thrown the roses away in disgust. The bubble pops and he drops screaming.]''


Fry: Why don't you just remove my tattoo?
:''[Scene: PE building hanger, Bender come up through the trap door with a book.]''


Nudar: Nice try. But you might have memorized it.  
'''Bender''': Here's your Gutenberg Bible master. Plus the Colonel's secret recipe: Chicken, Grease, Salt.  


Fry: No I mighn't. I can't even remember my mother's maiden name.  
'''Fleb''': Well, that does it. We've got every valuable object in history.  


Nudar: It's Gliesner.
:''[He tosses the bible over his shoulder, hitting Fry in the head]''


[Nudar shoots at Fry who jumps out of the way, blowing up a statue behind him]
'''Fry''': Owww!


Fry: [running] Stupid naked aliens. Stupid Lars. I hate the future.  
'''Nudar''': Hmm. Now that I'm rich I suddenly care if the universe gets destroyed. We can't use that dangerous time code again. Blank it from the robot's memory.  


[Fry runs through the lounge where Amy is sleeping on the couch, laser blasts are flying over head. He backs up and picks up a hand mirror that is laying next to the TV.]  
:''[Fleb holds up a head cleaner cassette. Bender opens his mouth]''


Fry: Hmmmm!
'''Bender''': Ahhhhh.


[More laser shots. Fry whines and runs. Cut to locker room]
'''Nudar''': [looking at Fry] I'll vaporize this guy so his ass doesn't fall into the wrong hands.  


Bubblegum: Man, that cube root was a real buzzer beater Clyde.
'''Fry''': Why don't you just remove my tattoo?


[Fry bursts in, pants down, reading his butt with the mirror]
'''Nudar''': Nice try. But you might have memorized it.


Fry: Zero. One. One. One. Zero. Zero. One. One!
'''Fry''': No I mighn't. I can't even remember my mother's maiden name.  


[The time sphere appears. The aliens burst in]
'''Nudar''': It's Gleisner.  


Schlump: Blast him.
:''[Nudar shoots at Fry who jumps out of the way, blowing up a statue behind him]''


[Fry squeaks in fright and dives into the time sphere. The laser blast explodes a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.]
'''Fry''': ''[running]'' Stupid naked aliens. Stupid Lars. I hate the future.  


Bender: Ah Hah! You missed. Oh great master.  
:''[Fry runs through the lounge where Amy is sleeping on the couch, laser blasts are flying over head. He backs up and picks up a hand mirror that is laying next to the TV.]''


[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:30 AM. Fry appears, pants down]
'''Fry''': Hmmmm!


Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.
:''[More laser shots. Fry whines and runs. Cut to locker room]''


Voice: (OC) Happy New Year naked weirdo.  
'''Bubblegum''': Man, that cube root was a real buzzer beater, Clyde.  


Fry: Happy new year.
:''[Fry bursts in, pants down, reading his butt with the mirror]''


[Fry pulls up his pants.]
'''Fry''': Zero. One. One. One. Zero. Zero. One. One!


[Scene: PE building, hanger]  
:''[The time sphere appears. The aliens burst in]''


Nudar: Well, we'll never know where the ass guy went, and since we can't kill him, I say live and let live.  
'''Schlump''': Blast him.  


Bender: Aww, that's sweet boss. Fry'll be nice and cozy back in the year 2000.  
:''[Fry squeaks in fright and dives into the time sphere. The laser blast explodes a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.]''


Nudar: What?! How do you know he went to the year 2000?
'''Bender''': Ha ha! You missed! ''[adding on]'' Oh great master.


Bender: That's where he always goes.  
:''[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:30 AM. Fry appears, pants down]''


Nudar: Hmm. Better play it safe. Go there a little earlier and wait for him. You know what to do.  
'''Fry''': Hello 2000. I'm home.  


Bender: You want me to concludify him, like some sort of dispatcherator?
'''Voice''': (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo!


Nudar: Yes. And don't forget to terminate him.  
'''Fry''': Happy new year.  


Bender: Got it. Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.  
:''[Fry pulls up his pants.]''


Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?
:''[Scene: PE building, hanger]''


Bender: It's really bright in the past.  
'''Nudar''': Well, we'll never know where the ass guy went, and since we can't kill him, I say live and let live.  


[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:28 AM. Bender appears a la Terminator]
'''Bender''': Aww, that's sweet boss. Fry'll be nice and cozy back in the year 2000.  


Bender: Ok, Fry. Come ta poppa. ... Man I'm bored. [spots beer] Ohhh!  
'''Nudar''': What?! How do you know he went to the year 2000?


[Bender drinks the 5 cans left in the 6 pack from SP3000]
'''Bender''': That's where he always goes.


Bender: Hey, there you are! ... Oh, wait, that's Fry before he goes to the future. I'm waiting for the one who comes back from the future. Geesh this is confusing, and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Offf. That cheap beer really goes right through you. For the first time ever, I gotta use the bathroom, but if I leave, I might miss Fry. Ohhhh unless ....  
'''Nudar''': Hmm. Better play it safe. Go there a little earlier and wait for him. You know what to do.  


[19 second earlier]
'''Bender''': You want me to concludify him, like some sort of dispatcherator?


past Bender: ... and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Huh! Ah! Wha?
'''Nudar''': Yes. And don't forget to terminate him.  


future Bender: Hi, I'm you from 19 seconds in the future. Stay here and wait for Fry while I go to the bathroom.
'''Bender''': Got it. Preparing to terminate Philip Fry!


past Bender: Ok Boss. After I kill Fry you're next.
'''Schlump''': What's with the doofy sunglasses?


future Bender: What?
'''Bender''': It's really bright in the past. ''[Recites the time code]''


past Bender: Nothing.  
:''[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:28 AM. Bender appears a la Terminator]''


[A Bender in a tux appears from the timesphere]  
'''Bender''': Ok, Fry. Come ta poppa. ... Man I'm bored. ''[spots beer]'' Ohhh!


past Bender: What the? Who are you?
''[Bender drinks the 5 cans left in the 6 pack from SP3000]''


tux Bender: I'm Bender from way at the end. I came back to put this rub-on time code on Fry's ass.  
'''Bender''': Hey, there you are! ... Oh, wait, that's Fry before he goes to the future. I'm waiting for the one who comes back from the future. Geesh this is confusing, and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Offf. That cheap beer really goes right through you. For the first time ever, I gotta use the bathroom, but if I leave, I might miss Fry. Ohhhh unless ....  


past Bender: So what are you now, a butler? Spot of tea please, jerkwad.
''[19 second earlier]''


tux Bender: It's called class, you yokel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buttocks to tattoo.  
'''Bender-2''': ... and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Huh! Ah! Wha?


[tux Bender places the tattoo on Fry in the cryotube. Fry appears from the timesphere.]
'''Bender''': Hi, I'm you from 19 seconds in the future. Stay here and wait for Fry while I go to the bathroom.  


Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.  
'''Bender-2''': Ok Boss. After I kill Fry you're next.  


Voice: (OC) Happy New Year naked weirdo.
'''Bender''': What?


Fry: Happy new year.  
'''Bender-2''': Nothing.  


[Fry pulls up his pants. Bender steps out, pointing the gun at Fry. Fry gasps]  
:''[A Bender in a tux appears from the timesphere]''


Bender: Hasta la vista, meatbag.
'''Bender-2''': What the? Who are you?


Fry: Bender? What are you doing? It's me, your best friend.  
'''Bender-3''': I'm Bender from way at the end. I came back to put this rub-on time code on Fry's ass.  


Bender: Must obey orders. Ohhhhh. Mustn't kill friend. Ohhhhhh! Badly want to urinate.
'''Bender-2''': So what are you now, a butler? Spot of tea please, jerkwad!


Fry: What's happening? Are you urinating?
'''Bender-3''': It's called class, you yokel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buttocks to tattoo.


Bender: Entering auto destruct sequence. Awww crap, I hate auto destruct sequence. Explosion in seven, six, ...  
:''[Bender-3 places the tattoo on Fry in the cryotube. Fry appears from the timesphere.]''


[Fry kicks Bender who stumbles back into a cryotube. Fry turns the control to 1,000,000 years]
'''Fry''': Hello 2000. I'm home.  


Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.
'''Voice''': (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo!


Bender: five .. hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cold day in ...  
'''Fry''': Happy new year.  


[Bender freezes in the tube]  
:''[Fry pulls up his pants. Bender-2 steps out, pointing the gun at Fry. Fry gasps]''


[Scene: Fry waiting for elevator, Bender exits the restroom in time to see Fry get on the elevator.]
'''Bender-2''': Hasta la vista, meatbag!


Bender: Hey ... so the game of cat and mouse begins, huh? Let us match wits. .... Ohhhh, how am I supposed to find him? All those times he blabbed on and on about his life in the twentieth century. If only I'd paid the slightest bit of attention. Oh well, guess I'd better go kill myself.  
'''Fry''': Bender? What are you doing? It's me, your best friend.  


[Scene: exterior New York City, sounds of crowds partying. Pan to telephone booth, a fan man sitting on the curb in front of it. In side the booth, a drunk is on the phone.]
'''Bender-2''': Must obey orders. Ohhhhh. Mustn't kill friend!! Ohhhhhh!!! Badly want to urinate!!!!!


Drunk: Hello, bartender? I have thought it over, and far from being a fat pig, you are very nice and I would like another drink ...
'''Fry''': What's happening? Are you urinating?


[Bender throws the drunk out of the phone booth]  
'''Bender-2''': ''[monotone]'' Entering auto destruct sequence. ''[normal]'' Awww crap, I hate auto destruct sequence! ''[monotone]'' Explosion in seven, six, ...


Bender: Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. [taps foot] Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down.
:''[Fry kicks Bender-2 who stumbles back into a cryotube. Fry turns the control to 1,000,000 years]''


[Bender scans the Fry page in the telephone book]
'''Fry''': It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.


Bender: One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you.
'''Bender-2''': ''[monotone]'' five .. ''[normal]'' Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things!


Fat Man: My name is Philip Fry. Where's my present.
:''[Bender-2 freezes in the tube]''


Bender: Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly.
:''[Scene: Fry waiting for elevator, the original Bender exits the restroom in time to see Fry get on the elevator.]''


Fat man: Oh no, I've always been this ugly.  
'''Bender''': Hey ... so the game of cat and mouse begins, huh? Let us match wits. .... Ohhhh, how am I supposed to find him? All those times he blabbed on and on about his life in the twentieth century. If only I'd paid the slightest bit of attention. Oh well, guess I'd better go kill myself.  


Bender: Huh. Let me see your ass. ... No tattoo, Ok, you can go.  
:''[Scene: exterior New York City, sounds of crowds partying. Pan to telephone booth, a fan man sitting on the curb in front of it. In side the booth, a drunk is on the phone.]''


Fat man: Farewell sir.  
'''Cryogenicist (from Jurassic Bark)''': Hello, bartender? I have thought it over, and far from being a fat pig, you are very nice and I would like another drink ...  


[Scene: Michelle and the blond guy from SP3000 are in bed. Bender bursts in. Michelle screams.]  
:''[Bender throws the cryogenicist out of the phone booth]''


Bender: Say your prayers, Fry.  
'''Bender''': Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. ''[taps foot]'' Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down.  


Michelle: This isn't Fry. I kicked Fry out two hours ago. This is my new boyfriend ... uhhh ...
:''[Bender scans the Fry page in the telephone book]''


Constantine: Constantine.  
'''Bender''': One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you.  


Michelle: Really? That's a dumb name. Ewwww.  
'''[[Phillip Fry|Fat Man]]''': ''My'' name is Phillip Fry. Where's my present.  


Bender: Hmmm, could be a trick. Let me see your ass, Constantine. ... Ohh, nice, now I see why she left Fry.  
'''Bender''': Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly.  


[Scene: row of houses. Bender rings the door bell. The same fat man answers, screams, and drops his pants.]
'''Fat Man''': Oh no, I've always been this ugly.  


Bender: Ok, you're still clean. I mean metaphorically.  
'''Bender''': Huh. Let me see your ass. ''[He looks at the fat man's buttocks.]'' No tattoo. Okay, you can go.  


[Scene: Bender is walking down the street checking off names on page from the telephone book. He wads it up and tosses it in a dumpster.]
'''Fat Man''': Farewell sir.  


Bender: He must have left the city. Man, this could take all day.  
:''[Scene: Michelle and the blond guy from SP3000 are in bed. Bender bursts in. Michelle screams.]''


[Scene: 11 Months later, Florida, 2008. Election workers are counting ballots behind two bins labeled "Gore" and "Bush".]
'''Bender''': Say your prayers, Fry.  


Phil: The returns are looking good Mr. Gore.  
'''[[Michelle]]''': This isn't Fry. I kicked Fry out two hours ago. This is my new boyfriend ... uhhh ...  


Al Gore: Thanks Phil. Here's to four years of clean air, clean government, and amazing new technologies such as ...  
'''[[Constantine]]''': Constantine.  


[Bender bursts through the door, gun in hand]
'''Michelle''': Really? That's a dumb name. Ewwww.


Al Gore: ... ROBOT!
'''Bender''': Hmmm, could be a trick. Let me see your ass, Constantine. ''[He looks at Constantine's buttocks.]'' Ohh, nice, now I see why she left Fry.  


Bender: [racking pump on gun] Philip Fry?
:''[Scene: row of houses. Bender rings the door bell of Phillip Fry. The same fat man answers, screams, and drops his pants.]''


[Al Gore points to Phil. Bender chases Phil out of the room, destroying the bin labeled "Gore" in the process.]
'''Bender''': Okay, you're still clean. I mean metaphorically.  


[Scene: USA Today with headlines Bush "Wins" and obnoxious robot still on loose.]  
:''[Scene: Bender is walking down the street checking off names on page from the telephone book. He wads it up and tosses it in a dumpster.]''


Narrator: Twelve years past. Then ...  
'''Bender''': He must have left the city. Man, this could take all day.  


[Scene: Long island shoreline, 2012]  
:''[Scene: 11 Months later, Florida, 2000. Election workers are counting ballots behind two bins labeled "Gore" and "Bush".]''


Narrator: ... this.  
'''[[Philip Joshua Fry|Phil]]''': The returns are looking good, Mr. Gore.  


[Scene: Beach with people. Bender emerges from the water]
'''[[Al Gore's head|Al Gore]]''': Thanks, Phil. Here's to four years of clean air, clean government, and amazing new technologies such as ...  


[Scene: Bender ascending the front steps of a house and knocking on the door. Yancy Fry opens the door.]  
:''[Bender bursts through the door, gun in hand]''


Bender: Philip J. Fry?
'''Al Gore''': ... ROBOT!


Yancy: Phil, some kind of trash can here to see you. He's coming.
'''Bender''': [racking pump on gun] Philip Fry?  
 
Philip J. Fry II: Are you made of tinker toy?
 
Bender: Hmmm. It's been twelve years. Maybe I'm getting taller.
 
Philip J. Fry II: You're not getting smarter.
 
Bender: Listen pipsqueak, are you Philip J. Fry or not? 'Cause if you are, I'm here to kill you.
 
Philip J. Fry II: I'd like to see you try.
 
[Bender pulls out the gun]
 
Philip J. Fry II: [screams] You want uncle Phil. He went the to north pole on a fishing boat.
 
Bender: Ahhhh! The north pole? I was just there.
 
[Scene: Riverfront, Brooklyn Bridge in the background. Bender approaches the "Royal Circus luxury seal clubbing cruises" booth]
 
Bender: One ticket to the north pole please, broom closet class. [Gasps as a bearded figure descends a boarding ramp from a ship] Fry? If only I could be sure. [The figure's pans sag, revealing the Bender tattoo] It is him, I'd recognize me, and hence him, anywhere.
 
[Scene: Fry flags a Chinese Checker Cab Co. cab. Bender runs after him and flags a Hybraxi.]
 
Bender: Follow that guy. There's an extra hundred in it for you if you follow him so close that you run him over.
 
Al Gore: (cab driver) Yes sir.
 
[Taxi peels out, hits a garage truck, and looses control - careening through traffic and crashing through a sign reading "Warning - severely warped dock" as Bender and Gore scream. The taxi launches off the upturned end of the dock, drops back down, and rolls backwards into the garbage truck, launching Bender into the sky.]
 
Al Gore: Dang. That hundred dollars could have bought me one gallon of gas.
 
[Scene: Fry's cab pulls up in front of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza. Fry pets Seymour, then enters. Bender crashes in the street a second later]
 
Bender: Ohhh! I lost him. People will call me a failure. [Sees Fry in a second floor window] Others however will call me the world's sexiest killing machine who's fun at parties. Fry old buddy, it's me, Bender.
 
[Bender fires a blast into the window. The building explodes and collapses, the fire ball quick toasting Seymour.]
 
Bender: Wooo! I totally killed him. [Laughs then cries]. Oh god, what have I done?
 
[Scene: Exterior PE Building, 3007. Cut to interior shot of Bender with gun putting on sunglasses.]  
 
 
Bender: Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.
 
 
Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?
 
 
Bender: It's really bright in the past.
 
 
[Bender recites time code and disappears into the time sphere. A second later he emerges from a trap door in the floor]
 
 
Bender: [crying] Mission accomplished.
 
 
Schlump: Fry is dead?  
 
 
Bender: No other robot could have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted down and killed my best friend. [cries] I'm the greatest.
 
 
[Fleb inserts the head cleaning cassette into Bender's mouth. His eyes revert to their normal appearance]


[Al Gore points to Phil. Bender chases Phil out of the room, destroying the bin labeled "Gore" in the process.]


Head cleaner: Time code and obedience virus erased.  
:''[Scene: USA Toady with headlines Bush "Wins" and obnoxious robot still on loose.]''


'''[[Transition Announcer]]''': Twelve years passed. Then ...


Bender: Huh?
:''[Scene: Long island shoreline, 2012]''


'''Transition Announcer''': ... this.


Head cleaner: Also, fifty terabytes of porn.  
:''[Scene: Beach with people. Bender emerges from the water]''


:''[Scene: Bender ascending the front steps of a house and knocking on the door. Yancy Fry opens the door.]


Bender: Hey!
'''Bender''': Philip J. Fry?


'''[[Yancy Fry, Jr.]]''': Phil, some kind of trash can here to see you. He's coming.


Nudar: You've got no porn, no code, and you're ugly. Let's dance.
'''[[Philip J. Fry II]]''': Are you made of Tinkertoy?


'''Bender''': Hmmm. It's been twelve years. Maybe I'm getting taller.


[The aliens dance and sing. Bender spits out the head cleaner which embeds itself in Nudar's flab]
'''Philip J. Fry II''': You're not getting smarter.


'''Bender''': Listen, pipsqueak, are you Philip J. Fry or not? 'Cause if you are, I'm here to kill you.


[Scene: Central Park. A picnic table with a framed photo of Fry on it]
'''Philip J. Fry II''': I'd like to see you try.  


:''[Bender pulls out the gun]''


Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.  
'''Philip J. Fry II''': ''[screams]'' You---you--you want Uncle Phil. He went to the North Pole on a fishyboat.  


'''Bender''': Ahhhh! The North Pole? I was just there.


Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me.  
:''[Scene: Riverfront, Brooklyn Bridge in the background. Bender approaches the "Royal Circus luxury seal clubbing cruises" booth]''


'''Bender''': One ticket to the North Pole, please, broom closet class. ''[Gasps as a bearded figure descends a boarding ramp from a ship]'' Fry? If only I could be sure. ''[The figure's pants sag, revealing the Bender tattoo]'' It is him, I'd recognize me, and hence him, anywhere.


Leela: And we'll never see if boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age.  
:''[Scene: Fry flags a Chinese Checker Cab Co. cab. Bender runs after him and flags a Hybraxi.]''


'''Bender''': Follow that guy. There's an extra hundred in it for you if you follow him so close that you run him over.


Bender: He wasn't and he didn't!
'''Al Gore''': (cab driver) Yes sir.


:''[Taxi peels out, hits a garage truck, and looses control - careening through traffic and crashing through a sign reading "Warning - severely warped dock" as Bender and Gore scream. The taxi launches off the upturned end of the dock, drops back down, and rolls backwards into the garbage truck, launching Bender into the sky.]''


[Crew gasps]
'''Al Gore''': Dang. That hundred dollars could have bought me one. Gallon. Of gas.


:''[Scene: Fry's cab pulls up in front of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza. Fry pets Seymour, then enters. Bender crashes in the street a second later]''


Bender: Struggling alone again incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. [crys] I blew him to mush like a midget in a microwave. [crys]
'''Bender''': Ohhh! I lost him. People will call me a failure. ''[sees Fry in a second floor window]'' Others however will call me the world's sexiest killing machine who's fun at parties. Fry, old buddy, it's me, Bender.  


:''[Bender fires a blast into the window. The building explodes and collapses, the fire ball quick toasting Seymour, which explains how he was fossilized.]''


Crew: gasps.  
'''Bender''': Wooo! I totally killed him. ''[laughs then cries]'' Oh god, what have I done?


:''[Scene: Exterior PE Building, 3007. Cut to interior shot of Bender with gun putting on sunglasses.]''


Amy: Awww, don't blame yourself Bender.  
'''Bender''': Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.  


'''Schlump''': What's with the doofy sun glasses?


Bender: I don't blame myself, I blame all of you.  
'''Bender''': It's really bright in the past.


:''[Bender recites time code and disappears into the time sphere. A second later he emerges from a trap door in the floor]''


Amy: Us?! How can you possibly blame us?
'''Bender''': ''[crying]'' Mission accomplished.


'''Schlump''': Fry is dead?


Bender: It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am. [breaks down and crys] Ohhh, Fry, I'd give anything to un-murder you.  
'''Bender''': No other robot could have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted down and killed my best friend. ''[cries]'' I'm the greatest.  


:''[Fleb inserts the head cleaning cassette into Bender's mouth. His eyes revert to their normal appearance]''


Fry: Did someone call me?
'''Head cleaner''': Time code and obedience virus erased.


'''Bender''': Huh?


Bender: No. [gasps] Fry? [runs to Fry] But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ...  
'''Head cleaner''': Also, fifty terabytes of porn.  


'''Bender''': Hey!


[Bender punches Fry in the stomach]
'''Nudar''': You've got no porn, no code, and you're ugly! Let's dance!


:''[The aliens dance and sing. Bender spits out the head cleaner which embeds itself in Nudar's flab]''


Fry: ooph!
:''[Scene: Central Park. A picnic table with a framed photo of Fry on it]'''


'''Leela''': Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.


Bender: Nope, he not a zombie.  
'''Zoidberg''': He was the only one of you who never struck me.  


'''Leela''': And we'll never see if boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age.


[Crew cheers]
'''Bender''': He wasn't and he didn't!


:''[Crew gasps]''


Lars: Welcome back Fry.  
'''Bender''': Struggling alone again incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. ''[cries]'' I blew him to mush like a midget in a microwave. ''[cries]''


:''[Crew gasps]''


Fry: [sarcastic] Thank you Lars.  
'''Amy''': Awww, don't blame yourself, Bender.  


'''Bender''': I don't blame myself, I blame all of you.


Lars: [to Leela] I .. ah ... I .. I'll see you later honey.
'''Amy''': Us?! How can you possibly blame us?


'''Bender''': It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am. ''[breaks down and cries]'' Ohhh, Fry, I'd give anything to unmurder you!


Farnsworth: So tell us Fry, If Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you return?  
'''Fry''': Did someone call me?  


'''Bender''': No. ''[gasps]'' Fry? ''[runs to Fry]'' But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ...


Fry: Ohh, it's an astonishing tale of incredibleness. It all began when I went back in time.
:''[Bender punches Fry in the stomach]''


'''Fry''': Ooph!


Farnsworth: Duhhh.  
'''Bender''': Nope, he's not a zombie.  


:''[Crew cheers]''


[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:00 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]
'''Lars''': Welcome back Fry.  


'''Fry''': ''[sarcastic]'' Thank you, Lars.


Fry: Hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.  
'''Lars''': ''[to Leela]'' I .. ah ... I .. I'll see you later, honey.  


'''Farnsworth''': So tell us Fry. If Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you return?


Panucci: Great. I'll put you on the cover of Big Whoop magazine.  
'''Fry''': Ohh, it's an astonishing tale of [[Coinage|incredibleness[[. It all began when I went back in time.  


'''Farnsworth''': Duhhh.


Fry: Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I have a slice?
:''[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:00 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]''


'''Fry''': Hey, Mr. Panucci, I'm back from that delivery to the cryogenic lab.


[Panucci take a slice of pizza from the garbage and puts it on the counter]
'''[[Panucci]]''': Great. I'll put you on the cover of Big Whoop magazine!


'''Fry''': Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I have a slice?


Panucci: Help yourself. Cash up front.
''[Panucci take a slice of pizza from the garbage and puts it on the counter]''


'''Panucci''': Help yourself. Cash up front.


[Fry pull out his wallet that only had future money in it]  
[Fry pull out his wallet that only had future money in it]  


'''[[H.G. Blob]] (on bill)''': This note is legal tender.


Blob on bill: This note is legal tender.
'''Fry''': (VO) Unfortunately, I had no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to find free pizza.  
 
 
Fry: (VO) Unfortunately, I had no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to find free pizza.  
 
 
[scene: Cryogenics lab. Fry takes a slice of Pizza]


:''[Scene: Cryogenics lab. Fry takes a slice of pizza]''


Fry: [groans] Ohh, ice cold.  
'''Fry''': ''[groans]'' Ohh, ice cold.  


'''Fry''': (VO) That's when it hit me again ...


Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me again ...  
'''Fry''': But an hour ago this pizza's still lukewarm. ''[unzips pants and reads time code off his ass]'' Zero zero one one zero ...  


:''[Scene: Cryogenics lab, one hour earlier. Fry appears from the timesphere and takes a slice of pizza.]''


Fry: But an hour ago this pizza's still luke warm. [unzips pants and reads time code off his ass] zero zero one one zero ...  
'''Bender-2''': (OC) ''[monotone]'' Explosion in seven, six ...  


[In background Fry-2 kicks Bender into the cryotube]


[Scene: Cryogenics lab, one hour earlier. Fry appears from the timesphere and takes a slice of pizza.]
'''Fry-2''': It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.  


'''Bender-2''': ''[monotone]'' five .. ''[normal]'' Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things!


Bender: (OC) Explosion in seven, six ...  
'''Fry''': Nice kick, me.  


'''Fry-2''': Thanks. What are you doing here?


[In background past Fry kicks Bender into the cryotube]
'''Fry''': One hour from now, I travel back in time for free pizza.


'''Fry-2''': But Nibbler said not to use the time code.


past Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.  
'''Fry''': Fine, Mr. Responsible, don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good.  


'''Fry-2''': You pig.


Bender: Five ... hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cold day in ...  
'''Fry''': Whatever.  


'''Fry''': (VO) That's when it hit me yet a third time ...


Fry: Nice kick me.
'''Fry''': [slaps himself on the forehead] You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey money.  
 
 
Past Fry: Thanks. What are you doing here?
 
 
Fry: One hour from now, I travel back in time for free pizza.
 
 
Past Fry: But Nibbler said not to use the time code.
 
 
Fry: Fine, Mr. responsible, don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good.
 
 
Past Fry: You pig.
 
 
Fry: Whatever.
 
 
Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me yet a third time ...
 
 
Fry: [slaps himself on the forehead] You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey money.  
 


[Fry goes to tube #40, opens the door, and reaches around frozen Fry, touching his ass on the tattoo.]  
[Fry goes to tube #40, opens the door, and reaches around frozen Fry, touching his ass on the tattoo.]  


 
'''Fry''': Yuck, I touched my own butt.  
Fry: Yuck, I touched my own butt.  
 


[Fry slips on the overturned chair and falls into the cryotube]  
[Fry slips on the overturned chair and falls into the cryotube]  


:''[Scene: transition to Fry unthawing as in 1ACV01. Fuy pull up frozen Fry's pants just before he thaws out. Frozen Fry steps out of the tube and stretches. Fry resets the tubes for 7.95 years and pulls the door shut. transition to Fry in Central Park.]''


[Scene: transition to Fry unthawing as in 1ACV01. Fuy pull up frozen Fry's pants just before he thaws out. Frozen Fry steps out of the tube and stretches. Fry resets the tubes for 7.95 years and pulls the door shut. transition to Fry in Central Park.]
'''Fry''': So I unfroze ten minutes ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know what happened.  
 
 
Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know what happened.
 
 
Bender: Well, I'm glad you're alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better kill you again. Hold still.  


'''Bender''': Well, I'm glad you're alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better kill you again. Hold still.


Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See?  
'''Farnsworth''': Bender! Stop killing for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See?  
 


[Fansworth switches on a holo projector in his belt buckle which shows the equations from his lab backboard.]  
[Fansworth switches on a holo projector in his belt buckle which shows the equations from his lab backboard.]  


'''Bender''': What'd ya got there? Numbers?


Bender: What'd ya got there? Numbers?
'''Farnsworth''': When the time code duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that includes flabby Jamaican potbellies.


'''Hermes''': Kiss my front butt.


Farnsworth: When the time code duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that includes flabby Jamaican potbellies.
'''Fry''': So my copy lives twelve years before Bender murdered him?


'''Bender''': Brutally murdered.


Hermes: Kiss my front butt.
'''Fry''': I wonder what his life was like?


'''Scruffy''': I guess we'll never know.


Fry: So my copy lives twelve years before Bender murdered him?  
'''Zoidberg''': Or will we?  


'''Scruffy''': Nope.


Bender: Brutally murdered.  
'''Transition Announcer''': They won't know, but you will. Lucky you.  


:''[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:01 A.M. Fry-2 pets Seymour, then enters the building]


Fry: I wonder what his life was like?


'''Fry-2''': Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.


Scruffy: I guess we'll never know.  
'''Panucci''': I know. I read about it in Big Whoop magazine.  


'''Fry-2''': So ... uh ... my girlfriend kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room?


Zoidberg: Or will we?  
'''Panucci''': The upstairs storage? [Laughs] I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat ball hamper.


:''[Fade to a room outfitted as an apartment with odds and ends. Fry-2 hangs a Family Guy 2000 calendar on the wall. Montage of Fry-2 and Seymour biking through traffic, Fry-2 eating lunch at his parents house, playing basketball with Yancy, and finally Fry-2 in his apartment looking at a picture of Leela and Lars and crying. Pull back to exterior of Panucci's.]''


Scruffy: Nope.  
:''[Scene: Central Park, New New York. Hermes is shaking Fry's hand]''


'''Hermes''': Happy day, mon! It's good to have you back.


Narrator: They won't know, but you will. Lucky you.  
'''Nibbler''': Indeed, but the scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible.  


:''[Scene: Close up of Fry screaming. Pull back to reveal Fry's apartment, he's being held down on the couch by Farnsworth, Bender, and Bubblegum Tate while Nibbler uses a laser beam like ray from his eye stalk to burn the tattoo off Fry's behind. Leela and Lars are watching the hallway through a crack in the door. The scammers are seen approaching in the hallway.] ''


[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:01 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]
'''Lars''': Hurry, they're coming.  


'''Nibbler''': There, the code is gone. I saved the space-time continuum and forty percent of your rectum.


Fry: Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.  
'''Bubblegum''': That's all you need.  


:''[The scammers burst through the door, shoving Lars and Leela aside]''


Panucci: I know. I read about it in Big Whoop magazine.  
'''Nudar''': I sprunje code.  


'''Nibbler''': Too late, Nudar. I've wiped Fry's butt clean.


Fry: So ... uh ... my girlfriend kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room?
'''Nudar''': [sniffing] We'll see about that.  


:''[Scene: PE hanger. Fry has his pants down while Nudar hold him at gunpoint. '''Schlump''': and Fleb crawl around him sprunjing.]''


Panucci: The upstairs storage? [Laughs] I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat ball hamper.  
'''Fleb''': Nothing boss. We sprunjed his ass inside and out.  


'''Schlump''': The only information we found was a hair shaped like the number six.


[Fade to a room outfitted as an apartment with odds and ends. Fry hangs a Family Guy 2000 calendar on the wall. Montage of Fry and Seymour biking through traffic, Fry eating lunch at his parents house, playing basketball with Yancy, and finally Fry in his apartment looking at a picture of Leela and Lars and crying. Pull back to exterior of Panucci's.]
'''Nudar''': ''[taking hair]'' Give me that. ''[eats hair]'' mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time code really is gone.  


[Scene: Central Park, New New York. Hermes is shaking Fry's hand]
'''Fry''': Thank god. The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday.  


Hermes: Happy Day mon. It's good to have you back.
:''[Scene: Panucci's, 2003]'''


Nibbler: Indeed, but the scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible.  
'''Fry-2''': I'm sorry Leela, I can't keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose.  


[Scene: Close up of Fry screaming. Pull back to reveal Fry's apartment, he's being held down on the couch by Farnsworth, Bender, and Bubblegum Tate while Nibbler uses a laser beam like ray from his eye stalk to burn the tattoo off Fry's behind. Leela and Lars are watching the hallway through a crack in the door. The scammers are seen approaching in the hallway.]
'''TV Anchorman''': ... and that how Bundles the monkey finally found a friend.  


Lars: Hurry, they're coming.  
'''Fry-2''': I miss Morbo.  


Nibbler: There, the code is gone. I save the space-time continuum and forty percent of your rectum.  
'''TV Anchorman''': And finally tonight on the late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal.  


Bubblegum: That's all you need.  
'''Fry-2''': Awww.  


[The scammers burst through the door, shoving Lars and Leela aside]  
'''[[Dr. Schlovinowitz]]''': (on TV) Leelu is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a mother, she's lost the will to eat. [offering bottle to Leelu] Come on, take a sip.


Nudar: I sprunje code.  
'''Fry-2''': I know how to make things eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life.  


Nibbler: Too late Nudar. I've wiped Fry's butt clean.
:''[Scene: New York Aquarium]


Nudar: [sniffing] We'll see about that.  
'''Fry''': Hi, I'd like to apply for a job working with Leelu.  


[Scene: PE hanger. Fry has his pants down while Nudar hold him at gunpoint. Schlump and Fleb crawl around him sprunging.]
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': Question number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals?


Fleb: Nothing boss. We sprunged his ass inside and out.  
'''Fry-2''': No, but I think they're pretty neat.  


Schlump: The only information we found was a hair shaped like the number six.  
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': That answers question number two. Question number three, do you know where the door is or would you prefer to be kicked out?


Nudar: [taking hair] Give me that. [eats hair] mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time code really is gone.  
'''Fry-2''': I don't know. I guess kicked out.  


Fry: Thank god. The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday.
:''[Leelu appears over the edge of the tank next to Fry-2]''


[Scene: Panucci's, 2003]
'''Fry-2''': Hiya girl. My name's Fry, and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things.


Fry: I'm sorry Leela, I can't keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose.
:''[Fry-2 picks a fish out of a bucked and feeds it to Leelu]''


TV: ... and that how Bundles the monkey finally found a friend.  
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': Holy mackerel, she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow.  


Fry: I miss Morbo.
'''Fry-2''': If I work of less than minimum, can I start today?


TV: And finally tonight on the late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal.  
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': I don't see why not.  


Fry: Awww.
:''[Scene: PE building]''


Dr. Shlivinowitz: (on TV) Leelu is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a mother, she's lost the will to eat. [offering bottle to Leelu] come on, take a sip.  
'''[[Morbo]]''': (on TV) In business news, the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item of value, including ownership of this station.  


Fry: I know how to make things eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life.
'''[[Linda]]''': (on TV) ''[laughs]''


[Scene: New York Aquarium]  
:''[A trap door opens and Morbo and Linda drop out of sight. The TV shuts off.]''


Fry: Hi, I'd like to apply for a job working with Leelu.  
'''Nudar''': Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.


Dr. Shlivinowitz: Question number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals?
'''Zoidberg''': We're not unemplo --


Fry: No, but I think they're pretty neat.
:''[Scene: Exterior of PE, the crew hold boxes of personal items as the door slams closed behind them.]''


Dr. Shlivinowitz: That answers question number two. Question number three, do you know where the door is or would you prefer to be kicked out?
:''[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum. Sign reads "Going out of business sale. Wayans heads, 3 for a dollar". Cut to interior, door opens, Lars looks around and then motions to Leela.]''


Fry: I don't know. I guess kicked out.  
'''Lars''': I love the hard museum at night. It's where I come to be alone.  


[Leelu appears over the edge of the tank next to Fry]
'''Heads''': Hi Lars.


Fry: Hiya girl. My name's Fry, and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things.  
'''De Gaulle''': Ah, Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for an old Frenchman.  


[Fry picks a fish out of a bucked and feed it to Leelu]
'''Lars''': You're favorite General, Torgo's Executive Powder.


Dr. Shlivinowitz: Holy mackerel, she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow.  
'''De Gaulle''': Mmmm. Magnifique.  


Fry: If I work of less than minimum, can I start today?
'''Lars''': Come on Leela, let me show you the hall of screaming skulls.


Dr. Shlivinowitz: I don't see why not.  
:''[Scene: an exhibit of screaming skulls.]''


[Scene: PE building]  
'''Leela''': It's so romantic. ''[turns away from Lars and cries]''


Morbo: (on TV) In business news, the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item of value, including ownership of this station.
'''Lars''': What's wrong? Is the screaming depressing you?


Linda: (on TV) [laughs]
'''Leela''': It's just ... my life is changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore.


[A trap door opens and Morbo and Linda drop out of sight. The TV shuts off.]
'''Lars''': I know who you are. You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life.  


Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.  
[Lars and Leela kiss.]


Zoidberg: We're not unemployed ...  
'''Leela''': Let's go to my place.  


[Scene: Exterior of PE, the crew hold boxes of personal items as the door slams closed behind them.]  
:''[Scene: exterior Leela's apartment building. The buildings on each side of it are gone, replaced with piles of rubble. A wrecking ball swings in and demolishes Leela's building. Pull back through a chain link fence to reveal Leela and Lars.]''


[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum. Sign reads "Going out of business sale. Wayans heads, 3 for a dollar". Cut to interior, door opens, Lars looks around and then motions to Leela.]
'''Lars''': I ... like what you've done with it.  


Lars: I love the hard museum at night. It's where I come to be alone.
'''Leela''': [reading from a sign on the fence] "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"?


Heads: Hi Lars.  
'''Nudar''': That would be us, dump cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private panda hunting reserve.  Na-na-na!!


Charles de Gaulle's head: Ah, Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for an old Frenchman.  
'''Leela''': There aren't any Pandas in New New York.  


Lars: You're favorite General, Torgo's Executive Powder.
'''Schlump''': Back it up, Sal!


de Gaulle: Mmmm. Magnifique.  
:''[A dump truck backs in and dumps a load of Pandas. Leela scowls]''


Lars: Come on Leela, let me show you the hall of screaming skulls.  
:''[Scene: NNY skyline, snow is falling. Pan down to an alley where the crew stands around a barrel with rubbish burning in it.]


[Scene: an exhibit of screaming skulls.]
'''Amy''': Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.  


Leela: It's so romantic. [turns away from Lars and cries]
'''Zoidberg''': Yes. Now.  


Lars: What's wrong? Is the screaming depressing you?
'''[[Tinny Tim]]''': And on Xmas eve, the most wonderful night of the ''[Bender trips him]'' ooofff.


Leela: It's just ... my life is changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore.  
'''Bender''': Oops.  


Lars: I know who you are. You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life.  
'''Farnsworth''': Well, at least we have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever.  


[Lars and Leela kiss.]  
:''[A strong wind suddenly blows, distorting Farnsworth's face. Santabot flies overhead]''


Leela: Let's go to my place.
'''Hermes''': [pointing] Santa!


[Scene: exterior Leela's apartment building. The buildings on each side of it are gone, replaced with piles of rubble. A wrecking ball swings in and demolishes Leela's building. Pull back through a chain link fence to reveal Leela and Lars.]
"'[[Santa]]''': Ah, the Planet Express crew. According to my list ''[Bender mimicking]'' you've all been very naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies from starving orphans.  


Lars: I ... like what you've done with it.
:''[Santa flies away]''


Leela: [reading from a sign on the fence] "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"?
'''Fry''': That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse.


Nudar: That would be us, dump cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private panda hunting reserve.  
'''Bender''': We could sing.  


Leela: There aren't any Pandas in New New York.  
'''Farnsworth''': I'd rather kill myself.  


Schlump: Back it up, Sal.
'''Amy''': Why not do both?


[A dump truck backs in and dumps a load of Pandas. Leela scowls]
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, very well.  


[Scene: NNY skyline, snow is falling. Pan down to an alley where the crew stands around a barrel with rubbish burning in it.]
[Farnsworth climbs onto a door step with effort.  
 
Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.
 
Zoidberg: Yes. Now.
 
Tiny Tim: And on Xmas eve, the most wonderful night of the [Bender trips him] ooofff.
 
Bender: Oops.
 
Farnsworth: Well, at least we have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever.
 
[A strong wind suddenly blows, distorting Farnsworth's face. Santabot flies overhead]


Hermes: [pointing] Santa!
'''Farnsworth''': [Singing] <poem>I may as well jump.
Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump.</poem>


Santa: Ah, the Planet Express crew. According to my list [Bender mimicking] you've all been very naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies from starving orphans.
'''Nudar''': [off camera] Neh!


[Santa flies away]  
'''Farnsworth''': [singing] <poem>They robbed me of my dignity
And most of my stuff.</poem>


Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse.  
'''Leela''': [singing] Lars brought me candy.  


Bender: We could sing.
'''Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tinny Tim, and Nibbler''': [singing] Cram it down and shut the hell up!


Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.  
'''Hermes''': [singing] I can't compete with that.  


Amy: Why not do both?
:''[View through a telescope at a boarded up building with LaBarbara and Barbados Slim visible in a window]''


Farnsworth: Oh, very well.  
'''Hermes''': [singing] <poem>He's Barbados Slim
And I'm Jamaican fat.
Who would choose a backwards corpse
With lice in his hair?</poem>


[Farnsworth climbs onto a door step with effort.  
'''Leela''': [singing] Lars says I'm dreamy.  


Farnsworth: [Singing] I may as well jump. Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump.
'''Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tinny Tim, Bender, Farnsworth''': [singing] Who the hell cares?


Nudar: [off camera] Eh.
'''Bender''': [singing] <poem>Oh, won't somebody shoot her please
And put her out of our misery?</poem>


Farnsworth: [singing] They robbed me of my dignity and most of my stuff.  
'''Santa''': ''[at head of alley holding weapons]'' That's my cue.  


Leela: [singing] Lars brought me candy.
:''[Santa opens fire, crew runs screaming. Santa dances and shoots]''


Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tiny Tim, and Nibbler: [singing] Cram it down and shut the hell up!  
'''Tinny Tim''': Oh my word!  


Hermes: [singing] I can't compete with that.  
'''Fry''': [watching Lars and Leela hugging across the alley, singing] <poem>Lars makes me puke.
I bet she'd love me too
If I was a blad headed kook.</poem>


[View through a telescope at a boarded up building with LeBarabra and Barbados Slim visible in a window]
'''Leela''': Hey, guess what guys!


Hermes: [singing] He's Barbados Slim and I'm Jamaican fat. Who would choose a backwards corpse with lice in his hair.
'''Zoidberg''': What?


Leela: [singing] Lars says I'm dreamy.
'''Leela''': [singing] <poem>While we were huddled in fear,
Lars popped the question!</poem>


Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tiny Tim, Bender, Farnsworth: [singing] Who the hell cares?
:''[Leela displays a diamond ring]''


Bender: [singing] Oh, won't somebody shoot her please and put her out of our misery?
Fanrsworth: [singing] Congratulations!


Santa: [at head of alley holding weapons] That's my cue.
'''Zoidberg''': [singing] Mazel tov!


[Santa opens fire, crew runs screaming. Santa dances and shoots]  
'''Amy''': [singing] May stars in heaven bless your love!


Tiny Tim: Oh my word!  
'''Bender''': [singing] <poem>I think I'm gonna cry
'Cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year!</poem>


Fry: [watching Lars and Leela hugging across the alley, singing] Lars makes me puke. I bet she'd love me too if I was a blad headed kook.  
'''Fry''': Now could things get any worse.  


Leela: Hey, guess what guys!
:''[Santa appears over head]''


Zoidberg: What?
'''Santa''': Ho! Ho! Ho.


Leela: [singing] While we were huddled in fear, Lars popped the question. [Leela displays a diamond ring]  
:''[Santa drops a small metal Xmas tree with a ticking clock on it. The crew screams.]''


Fanrsworth: [singing] Congradulations.  
'''Lars''': Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.  


Zoidberg: [singing] Mazel tov.
'''Zoidberg''': I say do what it tells us. ''[screams and clacks claws]''


Amy: [singing] May stars in heaven bless your love.  
'''Lars''': Don't worry, a bomb in a case is just like a head in a jar.  


Bender: [singing] I think I'm gonna cry 'cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year.  
:''[Lars opened the bomb and sprinkles in some Torgo's Executive Powder. The bomb stops ticking. The crew except Fry cheers]''


Fry: Now could things get any worse.  
'''Leela''': ''[hugging Lars]'' Oh Lars! No blowing us up make me love you even more.  


[Santa appears over head]  
'''Fry''': [grumbling] Life saving goody goody ...


Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho.  
'''Farnsworth''': Well now that death has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say congratulations Leela and Lars.  


[Santa drops a small metal xmas tree with a ticking clock on it. The crew screams.]  
:''[Crew except Fry cheers]''


Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.
'''Amy''': [raising hand] Maid of honor!


Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us. [screams and clacks claws]  
'''Zoidberg''': ''[raising claw an instant later]'' Maid of honor! Ohhh.


Lars: Don't worry, a bomb in a case is just like a head in a jar.  
'''Fry''': ''[quietly]'' I could make you happy too, if only you'd give me a chance.  


[Lars opened the bomb and sprinkles in some Torgo's executive powder. The bomb stops ticking. The crew except Fry cheers]  
:''[Scene: New York Aquarium, 2006, cut to Leelu's tank: Fry-2 with a plunger on his head sword fights with Leelu.]  


Leela: [hugging Lars] Oh Lars! No blowing us up make me love you even more.  
:''[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2008: Fry-2 is in an inflatable raft holding a fish. Leelu comes up through the bottom of the raft. Fry-2 hugs Leelu and laughs as the raft sinks.]''


Fry: [grumbling] Life saving goody goody ...  
:''[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2010: Leelu flies out of the water and does a back flip. A moment later Fry-2 does the same thing, landing at a desk with a sign that says "Philip J. Fry, Ass't Director".]''


Farnsworth: Well now that death has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say congratulations Leela and Lars.
:''[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank: Fry-2 is sitting on the edge petting Leelu]


[Crew except Fry cheers]
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': You've done a wonderful job, Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead within a narweek, which is six days I believe.


Amy: [raising hand] Maid of honor!
'''Fry-2''': Nah. Leelu's a champ. She just needed someone to show her how to eat. ''[Fry-2 tosses a fish into his mouth, and another into Leelu's mouth]''


Zoidberg: [raising claw an instant later] Maid of honor! Ohhh.  
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': Now that the kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale behavioral science class.  


Fry: [quietly] I could make you happy too, if only you'd give me a chance.  
'''Fry''': So what's up, Dr. Schlovinowitz?


[Scene: New York Aquarium, 2006, cut to Leelu's tank: Fry with a plunger on his head sword fights with Leelu.]
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': ''[sighs]'' This is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we released Leelu back into the wild.  


[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2008: Fry is in an inflatable raft holding a fish. Leelu comes up through the bottom of the raft. Fry hugs Leelu and laughs as the raft sinks.]  
''[Fry-2 coughs up a fish skeleton]''


[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2010: Leelu flies out of the water and does a back flip. A moment later Fry does the same thing, landing at a desk with a sign that says "Philip J. Fry, Ass't Director.]
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': I'm sorry. The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness monster.  


[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank: Fry is sitting on the edge petting Leelu]  
:''[Scene: in the back ground a crane is lowering something vaguely monstery]''


Dr. Shlivinowitz: You've done a wonderful job Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead within a narweek, which is six days I believe.  
'''Fry-2''': But that turned out to be a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.  


Fry: Nah. Leelu's a champ. She just needed someone to show her how to eat. [Fry tosses a fish into his mouth, and another into Leelu's mouth]
:''[Scene: a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it slung from the crane.]''


Dr. Shlivinowitz: Now that the kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale behavioral science class.  
'''Dr. Schlovinowitz''': Yes, well, it still draws a crowd.  


Fry: So what's up Dr. Shlivinowitz?
'''Fry-2''': [crying] I can't let this happen, she'll never be happy without me.  


Dr. Shlivinowitz: [sighs] This is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we released Leelu back into the wild.
:''[Scene: fade to picture of Lars and Leela in formal clothes. Pull back to reveal it's a wedding invitation that reads "You are cordially asked to attend the wedding of Turanga Leela & Lars Fillmore Sunday, December 27th, 3007 @ 4 O'Clock"]''


[Fry coughs up a fish skeleton]  
:''[Scene: Exterior of Elzar's. Sign reads "Today's specials cream of nothing". Cut to interior. A line of down and out looking people get bowls filled at a window with a sign in AL1 that reads "human broth". Pad to Elzar, Leela, and Lars]  


Dr. Shlivinowitz: I'm sorry. The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness monster.  
'''Elzar''': I know you're broke and homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped you up some real nice budge appetizers.  


[Scene: in the back ground a crane is lowering something vaguely monstery]  
'''Lars''': ''[tasting one]'' Mmmm. I can keep these down.


Fry: But that turned out to be a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.  
'''Elzar''': Okay! That's a big "yes" on the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail.  


[Scene: a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it slung from the crane.]  
:''[Elzar wiggles a dead crustacean in a martini glass. Pan to Fry and Bender at another table]''


Dr. Shlivinowitz: Yes, well, it still draws a crowd.  
'''Fry''': There must be some way I can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring?


Fry: [crying] I can't let this happen, she'll never be happy without me.
'''Bender''': Already taken care of. ''[Bender displays a diamond ring on his finger]''  


[Scene: fade to picture of Lars and Leela in formal clothes. Pull back to reveal it's a wedding invitation that reads "You are cordially asked to attend the wedding of Turanga Leela & Lars Fillmore Sunday, December 27th, 3007 @ 4 O'Clock"]
'''Fry''': You think that'll be enough to stop the ceremony.


[Scene: Exterior of Elzars. Sign reads "Today's specials cream of nothing". Cut to interior. A line of down and out looking people get bowls filled at a window with a sign in AL1 that reads "human broth". Pad to Elzar, Leela, and Lars]
'''Bender''': Nope. I pulled the old switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I think the copy I made cost more than this.  


Elzar: I know you're broke and homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped you up some real nice budge appetizers.  
'''Fry''': Cheap lousy Lars.  


Lars: [tasting one] Mmmm. I can keep these down.  
'''Bender''': ''[examining the ring through a jeweler's loupe]'' Actually this is extremely nice, but I really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them.  


Elzar: Ok! That's a bid yes on the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail.  
'''Fry''': I can't let this happen. She'll never be happy without me.  


[Elzar wiggles a dead crustacean in a martini glass. Pan to Fry and Bender at another table]  
:''[Scene: fade to New York City Docks, 2010. Fry-2, accompanied by Panucci in a wheel chair watch a crane hoisting Leelu onto a ship]''


Fry: There must be some way I can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring.  
'''Fry-2''': It's not fair, we need each other.  


Bender: Already taken care of. [Bender displays a diamond ring on his finger]  
'''Panucci''': Fry, you dumb sack, I don't care about your problems at all! ''[coughs]''


Fry: You think that'll be enough to stop the ceremony.  
'''Fry-2''': You need your blanket Mr. Panucci.  


Bender: Nope. I pulled the old switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I think the copy I made cost more than this.  
'''Panucci''': I don't even want to be here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that narwal means so much to you, you gotta do something.  


Fry: Cheap lousy Lars.  
'''Fry-2''': I know. But I can't just go chasing after her. That'd be nuts.  


Bender: [examining the ring through a jeweler's loupe] Actually this is extremely nice, but I really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them.  
'''Panucci''': Ah, Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a small freighter. That's him, right behind us.  


Fry: I can't let this happen. She'll never be happy without me.  
'''Fry-2''': ''[to Panucci]'' Maybe you're right. ''[to Panucci's cousin]'' Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my room.  


[Scene: fade to New York City Docks, 2010. Fry, accompanied by Panucci in a wheel chair watch a crane hoisting Leelu onto a ship]
'''Panucci''': The mans is nuts, Leroy.


Fry: It's not fair, we need each other.  
'''[[Leroy]]''': Professional whale keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along. Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but somehow we just never click on a personal level.  


Panucci: Fry you dumb sack, I don't care about your problems at all. [coughs]
'''Fry-2''': I'm not a professional anymore. Just a narwal loving private citizen.  


Fry: You need your blanket Mr. Panucci.  
'''Leroy''': Then I'm you man. We'll take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.  


Panucci: I don't even want to be here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that Narwal means so much to you, you gotta do something.  
:''[Scene: fade to exterior of the First Amalgamated Church, December 27, 3007. Cut to interior, Dr. Cahill wheels in a cart several heads on it, including George Bush Sr., Leonard Nimoy, Jacques Cousteau, Matt Groening, and Charles de Gaulle]''


Fry: I know. But I can't just go chasing after her. That'd be nuts.  
'''[[Terry]]''': ''[dramatically]'' Welcome to the wedding.  


Panucci: Ah, Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a small freighter. That's him, right behind us.
'''Fry''': [to Bender] It's a fool proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen with no ink. ''[laughs and exchanges pens]''


Fry: [to Panucci] Maybe you're right. [to Panucci's cousin] Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my room.  
'''Bender''': Yeah, once they try to sign that license, all hell will break look. ''[rolls eyes up, muttering]'' Oy vey.  


Panucci: The mans is nuts, Leroy.
'''LaBarbara''': Go on now, mon, don' cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock?


Leroy: Professional whale keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along. Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but somehow we just never click on a personal level.  
'''Slim''': ''[struggling with the zipper on LaBarbara's dress]'' It's more my thing to zip 'em down. ''[laughs]''


Fry: I'm not a professional anymore. Just a Narwal loving private citizen.  
'''Hermes''': Get your clumsy, muscular hands off my woman, Barbados.  


LeRoy: Then I'm you man. We'll take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.
'''LaBarbara''': Hermes! Your body!


[Scene: fade to exterior of the First Amalgamated Church, December 27, 3007. Cut to interior, Dr. Cahill wheels in a cart several heads on it, including George Bush Sr. Leonard Nemoy, Jacques Cousteau, Mat Groening, and Charles de Gaulle]
'''Slim''': I always said you were a little backward.  


Terry: [theatrically] Welcome to the wedding.  
'''Hermes''': Well, I always said you were a little forward ... with my wife.  


Fry: [to Bender] It's a fool proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen with no ink. [laughs and exchanges pens]
'''Bystanders''': ohhh!


Bender: Yeah, once they try to sign that license, all hell will break look. [rolls eyes up, muttering] Oy vey.  
'''Hermes''': [zips up LaBarbara frock] Consider yourself bird dogged.  


LeBarbara: Go on now, mon, don' cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock?
'''LaBarbara''': That's my man. Take a boat, Barbados.


Slim: [struggling with the zipper on LeBarbar's dress] It's more my thing to zip 'em down. [laughs]
:''[Slim leaves grumbling]''


Hermes: Get your clumsy, muscular hands off my woman, Barbados.  
'''Bubblegum''': Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed.  


LeBarbara: Hermes! Your body!
'''Hermes''': Tomorrow morning. After the "festivities".


Slim: I always said you were a little backward.
'''Bubblegum''': ''[nudging Hermes and spinning a basketball on his finger]'' Yow, baby!


Hermes: Well, I always said you were a little forward ... with my wife.
''[The Robot Devil band plays the wedding march, Leela enters escorted by the Professor with Nibbler scattering flower petals in front of them]''


Bystanders: ohhh!
'''[[Munda]]''': ''[from a grating beneath the asile]'' Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a normal two eyed human.


Herems: [zips up LeBarbara frock] Consider yourself bird dogged.  
'''[[Morris]]''': Eh, he's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.  


LeBarbara: That's my man. Take a boat, Barbados.
'''Munda''': Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant. ''[A humanoid with large fly eyes behind them buzzes and licks fluid off one eye]''


[Slim leaves grumbling]  
'''[[Father Changstein-el-Gamahl]]''': Dearly liked, we are gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else.


Bubblegum: Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed.
:''[Fry chuckles and taps the empty pen]''


Hermes: Tomorrow morning. After the 'festivities'.  
:''[Scene: North Pole, 2012: Fry-2, with beard and mustache, looks through binoculars. Cut to a ship amongst ice floes.]


Bubblegum: [Nudging Hermes and spinning a basketball on his finger] Yow, baby!
'''Leroy''': It's been two years, Fry. We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free again.


[The Robot Devil band plays the wedding march, Leela enters escorted by the Professor with Nibbler scattering flower petals in front of them]
'''Fry-2''': None of them were Leelu.


Munda: [from a grating beneath the asile] Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a normal two eyed human.  
'''Inuit #1''': But all of them were edible.  


Morris: He's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.  
'''Inuit #2''': ''[pointing]'' Can we at least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage.  


Munda: Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant. [A humanoid with large fly eyes behind them buzzes and licks fluid off one eye]  
'''Fry-2''': ''[looking through binoculars, gasps]'' I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere. To the boats!


Minister: Dearly liked, we are gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else.
:''[Scene: Leelu swimming on the surface. Pan to Fry-2 in a small boat]''


[Fry chuckles and taps the empty pen]
'''Fry-2''': Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry.


[Scene: North Pole, 2012: Fry, with beard and mustache, looks through binoculars. Cut to a ship amongst ice floes.]  
:''[Leelu grunts and swims to the boat]''


Leroy: It's been two years, Fry. We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free again.  
'''Fry-2''': ''[hugging Leelu]'' Oh, I've missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we care too much for each other. Fire!


Fry: None of them were Leelu.
:''[Leroy pulls the trigger of a gun and a net is released]''


Fufu: But all of them were edible.
:''[Scene: Wedding]''


Atanarjuat: [pointing] Can we at least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage.  
'''Father Changstein-el-Gamahl''': Now, if the couple will sign the wedding license.  


Fry: [looking through binoculars, gasps] I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere. To the boats!
:''[Fry nudges Bender, who rolls his eyes. Leela attempts to sign, but the pen won't work. Lars gives her another one and she attempts to throw the dead one over her shoulder, poking Hermes in the eye. Hermes stumbles, trips over a rope bringing a chandelier down upon him, severing his head, impaling, and electrocuting his body.]''


[Scene: Leelu swimming on the surface. Pan to Fry in a small boat] Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry.  
'''Farnsworth''': I warned him. I warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed.
[Leelu grunts and swims to the boat]


Fry: [hugging Leelu] Oh, I've missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we care too much for each other. Fire!
'''Lars''': ''[surprised]'' What?


[Scene: Wedding]
'''LaBarbara''': Oh, no, my man! He's essentially dead again.


Minister: Now, if the couple will sign the wedding license.  
'''Dr. Cahill''': Relax ma'am. Your husband's original body will be repaired within one week.  


[Fry nudges Bender, who rolls his eyes. Leela attempts to sign, but the pen won't work. Lars gives her another one and she attempts to throw the dead one over her shoulder, poking Hermes in the eye. Hermes stumbles, trips over a rope bringing a chandelier down upon him, severing his head, impaling, and electrocuting his body.]
'''LaBarbara''': Nah uh uh. Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy.  


Farnsworth: I warned him. I warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed.
'''Slim''': Cruel runnings, mon. [laughs]


Lars: [surprised] What?
:''[Dr. Cahill dumps Hermes head in the jar with Charles De Gaulle]''


LeBarbara: Oh, no, my man! He's essentially dead again.  
'''Dr. Cahill''': Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy.  


Dr. Cahill: Relax ma'am. Your husband's original body will be repaired within one week.  
'''Hermes''': Well, let's get on with it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way of your happiness.  


LeBarbara: Nah uh uh. Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy.  
'''Lars''': No, it's not right. We don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?


Slim: Cruel runnings mon. [laughs]
'''Leela''': I'm OK with it.  


[Dr. Cahill dumps Hermes head in the jar with Charles De Gaulle]
'''Lars''': No, it's not right. The wedding is off.  


Dr. Cahill: Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy.
:''[Lars leaves, crowd gasps]''


Hermes: Well, let's get on with it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way of your happiness.
'''Bender''': Oh my goodness! ''[starts stealing the wedding gifts]''


Lars: No, it's not right. We don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?
'''Fry''': [snickering] Finally, a happy ending.  


Leela: I'm OK with it.
:''[Leela cries]''


Lars: No, it's not right. The wedding is off.  
:''[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]


[Lars leaves, crowd gasps]  
'''TV Announcer''': ''[voice over]'' And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.


Bender: Oh my goodness! [starts stealing the wedding gifts]  
:''[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]''


Fry: [snickering] Finally, a happy ending.  
'''Zoidberg''': Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.  


[Leela cries]
'''Fry''': Are you okay, Leela?


[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]
'''Leela''': Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.  


TV Announcer: [voice over] And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.
'''Zoidberg''': ''[angry]'' You stay out of my dumpster!


[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]  
:''[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]''


Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.  
'''Announcer''': We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.  


Fry: Are you okay, Leela?
:''[Hypnotoad turns toward him]''


Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.
'''Announcer''': Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!


Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!
:''[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]''


[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]  
'''[[Nixon]]''': My fellow Earthicans, I've just received some really great news. I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.


Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.  
'''Bender''': That'll teach those scammers and me.  


[Hypnotoad turns toward him]
'''Nixon''': Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andrrrrrrromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!


Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!
'''Leela''': Oh, Lord.  


[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]  
'''Nixon''': And all I had to do was hand over our last remaining land and water as collateral. So assuming all goes ... ''[Headless Body of Agnew grunts]'' What's that, Agnew? A telegram? ''[reads telegram]'' Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamadonia.


Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I've just received some really great news. I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.
:''[Scene: South Street Spaceport]''


Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me.  
'''Nudar, Fleb and Schlump''': [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff!, etc.


Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!  
'''Leela''': All aboard for Neptune!  


Leela: Oh, Lord.  
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. I'll be cold, and heavy.  


Nixon: And all I had to do was hand over our last remaining land and water as collateral. So assuming all goes ... What's that, Agnew? A telegram? [reads telegram] Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamedonia.
:''[The PE ship takes off]''


[Scene: South Street Spaceport]
'''Nudar''': Thanks for the planet, suckers.


Nudar: [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff.  
:''[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]''


Leela: All aboard for Neptune!
:''[Scene: Neptunian cave]''


Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. I'll be cold, and heavy.  
'''Bender''': It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.  


[The PE ship takes off]  
'''Leela''': What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the [[Yetis]].


Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers.  
'''Zoidberg''': Yetis? ''[Yetis growl from outside]'' Oh, Yetis.  


[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]
'''Farnsworth''': Amy, you speak Yeti. What are they saying?


[Scene: Neptunian cave]
'''Amy''': I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... "assaulting the interlopers."


Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.  
:''[Seconds later, Yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]''


Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the yetis.  
'''Leela''': Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.  


Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, yetis.  
'''Hermes''': Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.  


Farnsworth: Amy, you speak yeti. What are they saying?
:''[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]''


Amy: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... "assaulting the interlopers."
:''[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]''


[Seconds later, yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]
'''Inuit #2''': Is that normal?


Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.  
'''Inuit #1''': No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...  


Hermes: Sweet yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.  
'''Fry-2''': Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?


[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]  
:''[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange male narwhal doing flips and spins]''


[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]
'''Fry-2''': That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.


Anarjuwat: Is that normal?
'''Leroy''': Damn whale keepers.


Fufu: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...  
:''[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]''


Fry: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?
'''Leela''': Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.  


[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange narwhal doing flips and spins]
'''Santa''': ''[Holding a missile launcher]'' Ho. Ho. Ho... ''[Drops missile launcher]'' Oh, my heart's not in it. I'm too depressed for murder and mayhem.


Fry: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.  
'''Amy''': Aw, try some antidepressants. They're gummy.


Captain: Damn whale keepers.
'''Fry''': What happened, Santa?


[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]
'''Santa''': The scammers cheated me out of my naughty list to use for telemarketing. Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!


Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.  
'''Leela''': That's it. They've gone too far. No more running and hiding. It's time to fight back.  


Santa: [Holding a missile launcher] Ho! Ho. Ho... [Drops missile launcher] Oh, my heart's not in it. I'm too depressed for murder and mayhem.  
'''Santa''': Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.  


Amy: Try some antidepressants. They're Gummi.  
'''Leela''': We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.  


Fry: What happened, Santa?
:''[Leela slaps Robot Santa]''


Santa: The scammers cheated me out of my naughty list to use for telemarketing. Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!  
'''Santa''': That hurt. You're on the naughty list!  


Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. No more running and hiding. It's time to fight back.
:''[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]''  


Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.  
:''[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]''


Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.  
'''Leela''': So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.  


[Leela slaps Robot Santa]
'''Nixon''': You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled, solid-gold Death Stars.


Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list!
:''[Headless Body of Agnew presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]''


[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]
'''Bender''': Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.


[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]
'''Nixon''': We're hopelessly outgunned. The Force is with us, but that's about it.  


Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.  
'''Santa''': Ah, but we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.  


Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled,solid-gold Death Stars.
:''[Scene: Santa's workshop, hip-hop music starts to play]''


[Agnews body presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>I brought the elves back from vacation,
Chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...</poem>


Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.
'''[[Kwanzabot]]''': Kwanzabot


Nixon: We're hopelessly out gunned. The force is with us, but that's about it.  
'''[[Chanukah Zombie]]''': ''[singing] And the Chanukah zombie.  


Santa: But we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.  
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>Three mad, wise men
Baring murder and frankincense.</poem>


[Scene: Santa's workshop]  
'''[[Santa Claus' aides|Neptunians]]''': [singing] Damn you!  Doo, doo, doodoo!


Santa: [singing] I brought the elves back from vacation, chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...  
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>Shut up!
Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.</poem>


Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot
'''Neptunians''': [singing] Says who? Doo, doo, doodoo!


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And the Chanukah zombie.  
'''Santa''':[singing] <poem>Says me!
Napalm makes them slightly more harmful.
No one here goes near that door,
This toyshop's going to war!</poem>


Santa: [singing] Three mad, wise men bearing murder and frankincense.  
'''Chanukah Zombie''': [singing] <poem>Talmud says "Be slow to anger”,
Low-down scammers got me seeing red.
Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar,
Jump back, Jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.  


Neptunians: [singing] Damn you.
'''Neptunians''': [singing] Ten hut! Doo, doo, doodoo!


Santa: [singing] Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.
'''Chanukah Zombie''': [singing] <poem>Dreidl, dreidl
I made it out of blasting clay</poem>


Neptunians: [singing] Says who?
Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts. Doo, doo, doodoo!


Santa:[singing] Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No one here goes near that door, this toy shop's going to war.
'''Chanukah Zombie'': [singing] <poem>And when it's dry and ready,
For mercy they will pay.
I can't wait eight nights or more,
This zombie's going to war!


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Talmud says "Be slow to anger”, Low-down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar, jump back, jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.  
'''Kwanzabot''': [rapping, while Robot Santa beatboxes]
<poem>Check, check it out, Kwanzabot,
In the NeptizzIe-hizzIe.
With my inhuman beatbox
Busy building missiles.
They're guided by these cute
Dancing fairy figures,
Careful, little elf,
That's proximity-triggered.
I'm fighting back for Kwanza
So the children won't miss it.
I'm confused about its meaning
But I know it when they diss it.
So, Santa?</poem>


Neptunians: [singing] Ten hut!
'''Santa''': [singing] Yeah, K?


Chanukah Zombie: Dreidl, dreidl I made it out of blasting clay
'''Kwanzabot''': [singing] CZ?


Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts.  
'''Chanukah Zombie'': [singing] Hey, hey.  


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And when it's dry and ready, For mercy they will pay. I can't wait eight nights or more, this zombie's going to war.
'''Kwanzabot''': [rapping] <poem>Let's slay them pimps!
C'mon, pimp my sleigh!</poem>


Kwanzabot: [singing] Check, check it out Kwanzabot, in the NeptizzIe-hizzIe. With my inhuman beat box busy building missiles. They're guided by these cute dancing fairy figures, careful, little elf, that's proximity-triggered. I'm fighting back for Kwanza so the children won't miss it. I'm confused about its meaning but I know it when they dis it. So, Santa
'''Chanukah Zombie''': [singing] <poem>Easy with that toy artillery.
Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.</poem>


Santa: [singing] Yeah, K?  
'''Santa''': Can they sue for liability?  


Kwanzabot: [singing] CZ?
'''Nixon''': Certainly not!


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Hey, hey.  
'''Santa''': [singing] Use as much as you are able.  


Kwanzabot: [singing] Let's slay them pimps Come on, pimp my sleigh.
'''Neptunians''': [singing] This bites. Doo, doo, doodoo!


Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Easy with that toy artillery. Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.  
'''Santa''': [singing] <poem>You signed away your rights
When you were hired.</poem>


Santa: Can they sue for liability?
'''Leela''': ''[singing]'' Now, let's fight.


Nixon: Certainly not!
'''Nixon''': ''[singing, simultaneously]'' Let's fight.


Santa: [singing] Use as much as you are able.
'''Neptunians''': Doo, doo, doodoo!


Neptunians: [singing] This bites.  
'''Santa''': [singing] Okay!
Chestnuts roasting,
I'm gonna open fire.
Prepare for gore galore!


Santa: [singing] You signed away your rights when you were hired.
'''Santa, Chanukah Zombie and Kwanzabot''': [singing] This trinity's going to war!


Leela: Now, let's fight.
:''[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]''


Nixon:Let's fight.  
'''Leela''': Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...  


Santa: [singing] Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore, this trinity's going to war.
'''Nixon''': And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!


[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]
'''Leela''': What?


Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...  
'''[[Zapp]]''': At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.  


Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!
:''[Kif sighs and crouches down]''


Leela: What?  
'''Zapp''': We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.


Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.
'''Cubert''': Here, sir!


[Kif sighs and crouches down]
'''Farnsworth''': My boy. Oh, God, no!


Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.  
'''Zapp''': Dwight Slim.  


Cubert: Here, sir!
'''Dwight''': Here.


Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!  
'''Hermes''': You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!  


Zapp: Dwight Slim.
:''[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]''


Dwight: Here.  
'''Zapp''': Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.  


Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!
'''[[Kif]]''': Forty-six.


[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]
'''Zapp''': Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.


Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.  
'''Kif''': One.  


Kif: Forty-six.
'''Lars''': Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?


Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.
'''Zapp''': What's your name, smart mouth?


Kif: One.  
'''Lars''': Lars Fillmore.  


Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?
'''Zapp''': Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.


Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth?
'''Leela''': Yes, yes, yes.


Lars: Lars Fillmore.  
'''Kif''': We're approaching Earth, sir.  


Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.
'''Zapp''': Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velour marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---''[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]''


Leela: Yes, yes, yes.
'''Leela''': Does anybody mind if I take command?


Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir.  
'''Nibbler''': No.  


Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velor marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]
'''[[Sal]]''': Nos.  


Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command?
'''Bubblegum''': Nah.


Nibber: No.  
'''Al Gore''': Nope.  


Sal: Nos.  
'''Cubert''': No, Miss Turanga.  


Bubblegum Tate: Nah.  
'''[[Donbot]]''': No, I do not.  


Al Gore: Nope.  
'''Santa''': No.  


Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.  
'''Kwanzabot''': It's cool.


Donbot: No, I do not.
'''Chanukah Zombie''': Argh!


Robot Santa: No.  
'''Leela''': All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!


Kwanzabot: It's cool.
:''[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]''


Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!
:''[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the Death Stars]''


[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]
'''Fleb''': Yes! Nailed the children's ship.


[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the death stars]  
:''[Scammers laugh]''


Flebb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship.  
'''Leela''': Unit 10, Target H, 16-K. Niner, niner, go left! I mean right.  


[Scammers laugh]Leela: Unit 10, Target H, 16-K. Niner, niner, go left! I mean right.
'''Sal''': Whoas!  


Sal: Whoas!
'''Leela''': 55-U. 8-R, 2-V.


Leela: 55-U. 8-R, 2-V.
'''Farnsworth''': Bingo!


Farnsworth: Bingo!
'''[[Hattie]]''': Cheating son of a...


Hattie: Cheating son of a...
:''[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]''


[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]
'''Al Gore''': Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!


Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!  
'''Leela''': It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!  


Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!  
'''Hermes''': Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?


Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?
'''Farnsworth''': I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!


Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!
'''Hermes''': Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.  


[Farnsworth makes one of those "I'm the professor, boo-yah!" poses]  
:''[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]''


Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.
:''[Al Gore's head fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]''


[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]
'''Al Gore''': [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.  


[Al Gore fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]  
:''[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]  


Al Gore: [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.
:''[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]''


[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]
'''[[Clamps]]''': He's champing for a clamping!


[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]  
:''[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a Death Star]''


Clamps: He's champing for a clamping!
:''[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]''


[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a death star]
'''Kwanzabot''': Kwa-zang!


[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]
:''[Everyone cheers]''


Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang!  
'''Hermes''': I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?


[Everyone cheers]
'''LaBarbara''': Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Truth be, I married you for your sexy potato body,but I'm staying with you for your sexy potato head.


Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?
'''Slim''': You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.  


Labarbra: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Truth be, I married you for your sexy potato body,but I'm staying with you for your sexy potato head.
:''[Slim tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]''


Barbados Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.
:''[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]''


[Barbados tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]
'''Nudar''': Nice attack, doo-doo heads! Too bad we have one last trick up our sleeve!


[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]
'''Amy''': I doubt that!


Nudar: Nice attack, doo-doo heads. Too bad we have one last trick up our sleeve.
'''Nudar''': Remember this, Farnsworth?


Amy: I doubt that!
:''[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Spheroboom]''


Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth?  
'''Farnsworth''': Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.


[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Sphero-Boom]
'''Bender''': lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!


Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.
'''Nudar''': So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?


Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!  
'''Leela''': Never!  


Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?  
'''Nudar''': Or totaI destruction?  


Leela: Never!  
'''Leela''': Also never!  


Nudar: Or totaI destruction?
'''Nudar''': You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!


Leela: Also never!  
'''Leela''': ''[Melodramatically]'' Nevvveeeeer!  


Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!
'''Bender''': People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. ''[Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]''


Leela: [Melodramatically] Nevvveeeeer!
:''[The crew gasp]''


Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. [Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]
'''Bender''': Shut up and keep looking apologized to.  


[The crew gasp]  
'''Leela''': [Acting nonchalant] Dum de dum.


Bender: Shut up and keep looking apologized to.  
:''[Leela presses the "FIRE" button. The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]'


Leela: [Acting nonchalant] Dum de dum.  
'''Nudar''': Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.  


[Leela presses the "FIRE" button. The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]  
:''[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nudist aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]''


Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.
'''Amy''': Yay! Bender!


[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nude aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]
'''Fry''': All right!  


Amy: Yay! Bender!
:''[Crew cheers]''


Fry: All right!
'''Fry''': Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?


[Crew cheers]  
:''[Bender chuckles]''


Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?  
'''Bender''': I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...


[Bender chuckles]  
:''[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]''


Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...  
'''Bender''': (VO) ... and as soon as I was out of the scammers' control, I pulled the old switcheroo.  


[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]  
:''[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]''


Bender: ... and as soon as I was out of the scammer's control, I pulled the old switcheroo.
:''[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]''


[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]
'''Bender''': And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest!


[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]  
:''[Everyone cheers]''


Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest.  
'''Nixon''': Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.  


[Everyone cheers]
'''Bender''': I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.


Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.
:''[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]''


Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.  
'''Lars''': There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...  


[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]  
:''[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]''


Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...
:''[Leela tries to hold back tears]''


[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]
'''Fry''': What is it?


[Leela tries to hold back tears]
'''Leela''': Nothing.


Fry: What is it?
'''Fry''': It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!


Leela: Nothing.  
'''Leela''': I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.  


Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!
'''Fry''': Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.  


Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.  
'''Leela''': No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.  


Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.
'''Fry''': You remember when we first met?


Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.  
'''Leela''': Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.  


Fry: You remember when we first met?
'''Fry''': Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.


Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.
:''[Scene: Fry-2's boat in the Arctic]


Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.
'''Fry-2''': Why are you so sad, Leelu?


[Scene: Fry's boat in the Arctic]  
:''[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]''


Fry: Why are you so sad, Leelu?
'''Fry-2''': Him again? ''[sudden realization strikes]'' Wait a second, are you two...


[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]  
:''[Leelu nods]''


Fry: Him again? [sudden realization strikes] Wait a second, are you two...
:''[Fry-2 takes the plunger off his head]''


[Leelu nods]
'''Fry-2''': Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.


[Fry takes the plunger off his head]
'''Inuit #2''': Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.


Fry: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.  
'''Fry-2''': Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.  


Atanarjuat: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.
:''[The Inuits open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry-2 looks on sadly]''


Fry: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.  
'''Fry-2''': Goodbye, Leelu.  


[Atanarjuat and Fufu open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry looks on sadly]  
:''[Fry-2 sobs]''


Fry: Goodbye, Leelu.  
:''[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]''


[Fry sobs]
'''Lars''': I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?


[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]
'''Leela''': Lars?


Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?
'''Lars''': I... I really have to go, I...  


Leela: Lars?  
'''Leela''': Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?  


Lars: I... I really have to go, I...  
'''Fry''': Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.  


Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?
'''Lars''': I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.


Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.
'''Fry''': Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?


Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.  
'''Lars''': Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...  


Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?
:''[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]''


Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...
'''Nudar''': Nobody move!


[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]
'''Leela''': Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?


Nudar: Nobody move!  
'''Nudar''': My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!  


Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?
'''Fry''': I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.


Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!
'''Nudar''': Not you.  


Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.
:''[Nudar points his gun at Lars]''


Nudar: Not you.
'''Nudar''': You!


[Nudar points his gun at Lars]
'''Leela''': Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!


Nudar: You!  
'''Fry''': But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!  


Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!
'''Nudar''': My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?


Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!  
'''Lars''': I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun! Go ahead and shoot!  


Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?  
'''Nudar''': Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?  


Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun. Go ahead and shoot.
'''Leela''': Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!


Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?
'''Lars''': ''[crying]'' I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.


Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!
:''[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the Bender-2. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender-2 and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]''


Lars: I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.  
'''Nudar''': What the...  


[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the explosive Bender. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]  
'''Bender-2''': ''[monotone]'' Four, three, two, ''[normal voice]'' one, Boom! ''[Nothing happens. Bender-2 laughs]'' Woah!


Nudar: What the...  
:''[Bender-2 explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender-2.]''


Bender: Four, three, two, one, Boom! [Nothing happens. Bender laughs] Woah!  
'''Leela''': Lars, no!  


[Bender explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender.]  
:''[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]''


Leela: Lars, no!
:''[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry-2 is shaking hands with Captain Leroy. Fry-2 leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]''


[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]
'''Fry-2''': ''[Looking at a picture of Leelu]'' It's enough just to know you're happy.  


[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry is shaking hands with Captain LeRoy. Fry leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]
'''Fry-2''': ''[Looking at a picture of Leela and crying]'' You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.  


Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leelu] It's enough just to know you're happy.
:''[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]


Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leela and crying] You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.
'''Bender''': Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! ''[Bender fires his gun]''


[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]  
:''[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry-2's hair catches on fire]  


Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! [Bender fires his gun]
'''Fry-2''': My hair!  
 
[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry's hair catches on fire]
 
Fry: My hair!  


[Coughs]  
[Coughs]  


Fry: My larynx!  
'''Fry-2''': My larynx!  
 
[Fry with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]


Fry: I'm Lars?
:''[Fry-2 with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]''


Fry: I'm Lars!  
'''Lars''': I'm Lars?  I'm Lars!  


[Fry bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]  
:''[Lars bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]''


Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.  
'''Fry''': Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.  


[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]  
:''[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]  


[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]  
:''[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]  


[Scene: Fry enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of Twentieth Century Man. He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]  
:''[Scene: Lars enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of "30 Century Man". He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]''


[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]  
:''[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]''


Lars: [On a screen] So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.  
'''Lars''': ''[On a screen]'' So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.  


Leela: [sad] I understand.  
'''Leela''': ''[sad]'' I understand.  


Screen: That concludes another silly-willy video will.
'''Crazy Guy''': That concludes another Silly Willy Wideo Will!


Fry: He was a good man, Leela.  
'''Fry''': He was a good man, Leela.  


Leela: Yeah... you were.  
'''Leela''': Yeah... you were.  


[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]  
:''[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]''


Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.  
'''Farnsworth''': Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.  


Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.  
'''Bubblegum''': Not quite, my wrinkly brother.  


Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!  
'''Nibbler''': Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!  


Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender.  
'''Bender''': Sounds like a job for me, Bender.  


[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]  
:''[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]''


Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...  
'''Bender''': Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...  


[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]  
:''[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]''


Bender: Mission accomplished!  
'''Bender''': Mission accomplished!  


Fry: You put the time code on my ass?  
'''Fry''': You put the time code on my ass?  


Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.  
'''Bender''': Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.  


[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]  
:''[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]''


Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!  
'''Nibbler''': No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!  


[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]  
:''[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]''


Bender: What's the worst that can happen?  
'''Bender''': What's the worst that can happen?  


[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]  
:''[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]''


Bender: Well, we're boned.  
'''Bender''': Well, [[we're boned]].  


(Credits roll)
:''[Closing Credits.]''


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Transcript for
Bender's Big Score
Written byKen Keeler & David X. Cohen
Transcribed byRed_Line and Neosmith92
[An owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]

Hermes: [Voice over] Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!

[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]

Leela: Here!

Hermes: [Voice over] Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!

[Nibbler spits out Fry]

Fry: Here!

Hermes: [Voice over] Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!

Bender: Here! [Falls on Fry and Leela from above] Cerveza, por favor.

[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]

Hermes: [Voice over] Long-term intern, Amy Wong.

Amy: [While combing her long hair] Here!

[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp and looks exactly like her normal hair]

Hermes: [Voice over] Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.

[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]

Zoidberg: Huh? I thought it was mine!

Hermes: [Voice over] Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad.

Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!

[Hermes steps out of the way]

Farnsworth: You're all fired.

[The other Planet Express members gasp in surprise]

Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!

Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.

[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]

Farnsworth: [[Voice over] Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license.

[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]

Fry: We were canceled?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.

[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]

Farnsworth: Yes? I see.

[Farnsworth hangs up]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.

Staff: Woohoo!

Zoidberg: Yahoo!

Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.

Staff: Woo!

Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.

Staff: Woo? [Bender laughs]

Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.

Fry: Why?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.

[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder” in his trousers]

Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.

[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]

Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?

Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!

[The staff look at him blankly]

Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!

Staff: Woooohoooo!

Zoidberg: Yayyy!

Bender: We're back, baby!

[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]

All: Party! Go, go, go!

Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!

Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?

Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.

All: Hooray.

Fry: Way to bend it!

Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!

Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.

Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.

Staff: Ooooohh...

[Hermes rips off his shirt]

Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabers.

[Fry and Leela fetch down one of the sabers hanging above a fireplace]

Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.

[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican version of the "Sabre Dance" as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]

Hermes: Lower.

[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly with blood]

Bender: The fat guy wins!

Fry: Go, Hermes!

Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.

[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck. Hermes screams.]

Scruffy: Oh, no.

[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.]
[An ambulance goes down the street, followed by the opening credits]
[Opening credits]
[Title caption: It just won't stay dead!]
[The opening credits include the primary characters appearing in the middle of the screen, each one after the other]

Featuring: Phillip J. Fry [Fry looks at the screen and smiles, one of his teeth fall out]; Turanga Leela [Leela blows smoke off a laser]; Bender Bending Rodríguez [Bender rides up a cliff on a horse]; Amy Wong [Amy dances to the Futurama theme]; Dr. John A. Zoidberg [Zoidberg clicks his claws to the Futurama theme]; Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth [Farnsworth looks around, then walks offscreen]; Hermes Conrad [Hermes stamps a big "File under: RENEWED" stamp onto the screen]; And introducing Zylex [A yellow monster with big yellow teeth is shown]

[Scene: Head museum]

Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?

Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.

[Hermes' head is sitting on a pedestal]

Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty.

Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.

Zoidberg: Tell me about it.

Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!

Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!

[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]

Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.

Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?

Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.

Leela: Oh. Do I know you?

Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.

Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.

Lars: Nice to be met.

Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!

Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!

[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]

Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.

Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.

Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?

Leela: No. Stop being so immature.

Fry: I'll show her who's immature.

Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.

Charles de Gualle's Head: I freed France from the Nazis and...

[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]

Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.

Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!

[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]

LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!

Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all--

LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.

Hermes: He has a daddy!

LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?

Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.

LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.

Hermes: LaBarbara, no!

Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.

Staff: Woohoo!

Bender: So long, jerk.

[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]

Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.

Fry: That's not the wheel.

[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]

Leela: It's nice out.

[The crew starts stripping down]

Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?

Zoidberg: Watch and learn.

[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
[Fry gags]
[Scene: Nude beach crowded with all maner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]

Bender: You know, it's funny.

Fry: What?

Bender: Your wiener!

Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?

Amy: I'm in!

Leela: I'm in.

Bender: Yeah, I'll go.

Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.:[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]Fry: Here's your package, sir.

Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?

Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.

Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?

Fry: Well, that's not a...

[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]

Fry: And initial here. [screams again OC]

Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.

Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.

Fry: Me neither.

Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.

Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.

[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]
[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]

Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.

Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?

Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.

Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.

Bender: Really? Down with those guys!

Fleb: And we'll need your e-mail address.

Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.

Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.

Bender: Them again?

[Bender signs "[email protected]" under "[email protected]" and "[email protected]"]
[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]

Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.

Schlump: Um,... animals?

Leela: Aw.

[Leela signs the petition]

Schlump: And your e-mail address.

Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?

Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.

[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]

Leela's Wrist Thingy: You've got spam.

Leela: Spam, spam, junk. The very last pygmy rhino is going extinct? Unless it gets my credit card number?

Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.

Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.

[Amy is angry and speaking Chinese.]

Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.

Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number.

[Amy takes out a wad of cash]

Amy: Is cash okay?

[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash & burps]
[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]

Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. [reading] Hmmm, scientists at West Johnson Pornoversity need test subjects to rate top quality roborotica. Ooh, top-quality.

[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]

Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? Pffft, I'm waiting for porn over here.

[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]

Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.

[A virus downloads itself into Bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]

Bender: Roborotic....

[Zoidberg scuttles in]

Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.

Amy: That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?

Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.

[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]

Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?

Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.

[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]

Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.

Hermes: I am here!

Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!

[Scene: conference table.]

Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phony Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phony. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phony. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?

Leela: No, it's a scam!

Farnsworth: Yes, yes, a scam. My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.

Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!

Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.

Amy: No, don't!

Leela: It's a scam!

Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?

Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!

[Door bell rings]

Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?

Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.

[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]

Farnsworth: Hwhaa?

Bender: I'll deal with these guys. Welcome, boss.

Amy: Hey, what the hell?

Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.

Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. [Bender gets a red carpet out of his cavity and imitates a trumpet fanfare] Presenting our new masters!

[Scene: Planet Express hangar, it looks like an office now]

Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?

Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!

Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.

Amy: Yeah!

Fry: Yeah!

Zoidberg: Yeah!

Leela: Hi-yah!

[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]
[Bender chuckles]

Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys! Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver.

[Fleb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]

Fleb: Ship them out, Your Highness.

Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.

[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]

Amy: I feel a little better.

[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]

Bender: Those marvelous scammers sure scammed us, huh?

Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?

Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Hee hee hee hee. Boy, were we suckers.

[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]

Lars: Greetings, earthlings.

Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.

Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.

Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?

Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: It's a fake place.

Hermes: Cut to the chase, baldy. When do I get my me back?

Lars: Well, it could be months, or even years.

Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?

Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.

Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.

[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]

Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.

Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.

Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.

Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.

Amy: No, Leela will show him out.

Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.

[Scene: Planet Express door]

Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?

Leela: Nope.

Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.

Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"

Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.

[Both chuckle]

Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00?

Leela: Okay.

[Back at the lounge...]

Fry: It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?

Amy: Yes.

Fry: Look at it again.

[There is a heart-shaped piece of red construction paper with Fry and Leela on either side]

Fry: I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.

Leela: Lars asked me out!

[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]
[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]

Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?

Fleb: Sprunjing for information.

[Nudar sprunjes a wall]

Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!

Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!

[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]

Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?

Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?

Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?

Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.

Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.

[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]

Bender: Hey, look, a safe!

Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.

Nudar: No callsies! Open it!

[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]

Schlump: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!

[The nudists start moaning]
[Fry and Leela enter]

Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?

Leela: Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn't have the Hulk on it.

[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]

Nudar: Who are you?

Fry: Philip J. Fry.

Schlump: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?

Fry: That's right.

Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.

[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]

Fleb: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.

Nudar: It's in his pants!

Fry: What the hell are you talking about?

[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tatoo of Bender smoking a cigar]
[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]

Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]: Faster, faster!

Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.

[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]

Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?

Nudar: I'm not seeing any information. Do more things!

[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]

Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.

Bender: Who the hell is he?

Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.

[Pull back to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]

"God": Huh?

[He shoots a tiny green ball towards Earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender and appears to be much larger than before]

Fleb: A time sphere.

Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!

Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?

Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.

Fleb:: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.

Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!

[The scammers and Bender laugh evilly.]
[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]

Nibbler: Stop, you fools!

[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]

Amy: What's going on?

Farnsworth: What is happening?

Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?

Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.

Amy: Oh, he's so adorable.

Fleb: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.

Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.

Nibbler: But even a single use could shatter the universe!

Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.

Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!

[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]

???: Hey! That tickles.

Schlump: And the pitch!

[Schlump grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]

Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!

Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Nibblonian: Scamper!

[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown" with it, then hits a wall and explodes]

Zoidberg: Aawww...

Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!

Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?

Nibbler: Dooooooomed!

[Scene: Exterior PE]
[Scene: Interior PE, Farnsworth's lab]

Nudar: Stand back you wing wangs. I'm gonna try out this timesphere with a quick test drive to yesterday.

Farnsworth: Bushwah. You can't go mucking about in the past without creating paradoxes.

Nibbler: I'm afraid he can. It's a paradox correcting time code. It all works perfectly. Except when it rips open the universe. Don't do it, I beg you ...

[Nudar steps into the time sphere, Nibbler's voice fades out and everything outside is in slow motion]

Nudar: Yesterday please, and make it snappy.

Crew: wha???

[Door whooshes open off screen]

Nudar: Hello.

Nudar-2: Howdy.

Bender: Hey! What the ...?

[Crew gasps]

Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two.

Nudar: Nothing gets past you eagle eye. I went back to last night and met the me of that time for a drink. One thing led to another and we ended up at my place, or should I say our place.

[Nudar and Nudar-2 "kiss"]

Leela: Blech.

Nudar: Oh come on, ya bunch of prudes!

Farnsworth: This isn't merely revolting, it's impossible to boot. I know a paradox when I see one.

[Farnsworth leans back on the smelloscope. A screw pops out and the scope crushes Nudar-2.]

Farnsworth: Whaaa?

[Crew Gasps]

Farnsworth: Ahh, paradox resolved. Someone get a mop.

[Scene: a stack of domed houses. Dwight rings a door bell marked "Conrad".]

Dwight: You're looking well, pops.

Hermes: How can you look me in the eye 'n eye and say that? I'm nothin' but a brain. A useless, filthy brain.

Barbados Slim (OS): You forgot lice infested.

Hermes: I didn't forget it, I just chose not to .... [gasps] Barbados Slim! What are you doin' here? IS there somethin' goin' on between you two?

LaBarbara: Oh no no no no, we jus' ah happened to run into each other shortly after your accident.

Slim: And every night since then.

[Slim and LaBarbara laugh.]

LaBarbara: You're so crazy.

Hermes: Woman! No! Ohh, who am I kiddin'? Without my body, I'm a nobody.

LaBarbara: I'm sorry Hermes. But look at Barbados. You can't argue with those luscious pecks.

Hermes: No I can't. But I can ask him to stop wiggling them in my face.

Slim: I'm not wiggling them. They do that by themselves.

[Scene: PE building interior]

Nudar: I think I'll go back in time and steal the Liberty Bell before it cracked. Or is the crack the valuable part?

Farnsworth: I don't know, you naked crook!

Fleb: [reading from "A Brief History of Time Travel"] We have a problem Nudar. It's a one way time code. It can take us to the past, but it can't bring us back to the present.

Bender: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Masters, if I might, let me do the stealing. I'll go to the past and snatch everything I can get my greasy mitts on. Then, as a robot, I could just wait it out for a few centuries in the limestone cavern beneath this building. Oh, it'll be ever so much fun.

Nudar: Hey, that's perfect. We sit back and let dum dum here do the stealing.

Bender: Dum dum away. Zero zero one one ....

[Nibbler gasps as Bender finishes reciting the time code. The time sphere appears and Bender jumps into it. A moment later, a trap door in the floor open and Bender emerges carrying a painting.]

Leela: The Mona Lisa!

Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished.

Schlump:: Da Vinci give you any trouble?

Bender: Let's just say he may not make it to The Last Supper. Hahahahahaha.

Farnsworth: Preposterous twaddlecock! Time travel is impossible.

Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself, remember, when we went back to Roswell?

Farnsworth: That proves nothing. And furthermore, you'd think I'd remember a thing like that. Plus, who are you anyway?

Bender: Man, this is fun on a bun. Here I go again.

Nibbler: Oh no you don't.

[Bender recites the time code]
[Scene: Egypt, 1351 BC - pan from Ramses' tomb, pyramids in the background, to 4 Egyptians carrying a sarcophagus. The time sphere appears and Bender steps out]

Bender: Scarab, four arm, bird, bird, bird!

[Subtitle: "Drop the sarcophagus!"]
[Scene: PE building, Bender emerges from the trap door holding a artifact over his face]

Bender: Boo! Hahahaha. Naw, it's just me, Bender.

[Scene: Exterior, of PE building. Cut to Professor's lab.]

Farnsworth: I must tell you Hedonismbot, I hate to sell my doomsday devices to a private collector. But with my business stolen I have to make ends meet. You will be careful?

Hedonismbot: I shan't touch them till I've had Jambi lock the absinthe and ether away. Ohhhh, what does this one do?

[Hedonismbot picks up one that looks like a lava lamp]

Farnsworth: Uh, that one kills everything everywhere.

[Hedonismbot drops the device which rolls off the shelf. Sound of glass braking]

Hedonismbot: How delightful. And this one?

[Hedonismbot holds up the spheroboom]

Farnsworth: Sir! The sphereoboom is not for sale.

[Farnsworth places the sphereoboom into a satchel and handcuffs it to his wrist.

Farnsworth: It's my sentimental favorite.

Hedonismbot: No need to explain. I too have known unconventional love. Perhaps you and I, and Jambi, could get together and compare notes sometime, eh?

[Farnsworth blushes and chuckles.]
[Scene: Sweden, 2308, Sweedledome - cut to interior of an Auditorium with a banner "Nobel Prizes 2308]

MC: ... resulting in peace between east and west coat rappers ...

[The roof caves in]

MC: Good god!

[Bender in a flying saucer crashes down. Bender grabs the Nobel prize and check]

Bender: I accept this Nobel peace prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skål!

[Bender takes off, audience claps. Cut to exterior of Sweedledome, Bender crashes out through roof in a different place. Cut to city scene - three fighter air craft pursue Bender, guns firing. Bender's flying saucer takes a hit, rocking it.]

Bender: Not so neutral now, are you Sweden?

[Bender presses a button marked "Activate Decoys". Six duplicate saucers fan out behind his. Cut to interior of Applied Cryogenics, Fry frozen in his tube, old New York outside of window. Flying saucers fly over blasting everything in sight. Bender laughs maniacally.]
[Scene: Leela's eye. Pull back, Leela is applying Torgos Executive Power eyeliner, She, Fry, and Hermes' head are on the couch in the PE lounge.]

Leela: Be honest with me. Does my eye look monstery? I don't want to look monstery for my date with Lars.

Hermes: At least a monster has a body. What I wouldn't give for Wolfman's torso, or any of the groovy ghoulies.

Leela [looking at Lars' business card]: Ohh, I think I'll wear that slutty dress I've been saving for Easter.

Fry [taking the card from Leela]: I'd like to punch Lars right in his ruggedly good looking face!

[Scene: Farnsworth is sleeping on a couch, clutching the satchel containing the spheroboom. The aliens look in the door.]

Nudar: Like all rich people, we're gonna need weapons to shoot poor people.

Schlump: In self defense?

Nudar: Yes, that too. Bender, go steal the doomsday device chained to the professor's wrist.

Bender: Never! Ha ha, I'm kidding. You guys know I have to do whatever you say.

Nudar: Here, swap this for the real one.

Bender: Ahhh! The old switcheroo.

Nudar: Yes, but don't wake him. You'll need jeweler's tools and foot cup silencers.

Bender: Hey! I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do. Bender knows when to use finesse.

[Scene: Nudar, door opens to reveal Bender with the satchel, a severed hand still attached to the handcuff, and a bloody hacksaw.]

Bender: Here ya go.

Nudar: Put it in the safe, clanky.

[Scene: Bender at the safe. Take hand and discards it. Sounds of breaking glass and slap.]

Zoidberg [OC]: Owww!

Bender: Wheeeeeeee.

[Scene: exterior Dr. Zoidberg's office door]

Zoidberg [voice over]: It's the damdest thing ...

[Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office where he's sewing Farnsworth's hand back on.]

Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgesicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tokhes.

Farnsworth: Yes, well, these things happen. Fortunately the sphereoboom is still safe.

[Opens satchel which contains a rose with a tag that reads "You've been scammed sweetheart"]

Farnsworth: Scammed? Me!? Sweetheart?!? Ohh!

[Throws satchel. Cut to hallway outside of office, Bender catches the satchel in his compartment and laughs.]

Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?

Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.

Hermes: Hmmm.

[Scene: PE lounge]

Hermes: All I'm askin' is for you to go back in time to when I still had my body and bring it back for me.

Bender: What do I do with your old head?

Hermes: I don't care in the slightest.

Bender: [brandishing bloody hack saw] Can do!

[Scene: Zoidberg's office, Hermes' decapitated body is sitting on the gurney. Zoidberg shakes Torgo's Executive Powder into a bowl]

Hermes: Come on, mon!

Zoidberg: [pouring some liquid from Hermes' jar into the bowl] Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.

Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. [looking down] What are those?

[Pull back to reveal Hermes' head is on backwards]

Hermes: You incompetent crab!

Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.

Hermes: Grrrrrr....

[Scene: exterior of Zoidberg's office. Door opens and Zoidberg rushes out whooping, followed by an angry Hermes.]
[Scene: Farnsworth's lab, Farnsworth is using the finglonger to point to the equation E=9.87sin(2B)-7.53cos(B)-1.5sin(B) (which is really the Equation of Time for correcting sundials) on a black board.]

Farnsworth: I believe this paradoicality equation to be unsolvable, ergo time travel is impossible. But I can't quite prove it, Bubblegum. Perhaps you and your razzle dazzle Globetrotter calculus could ...

Bubblegum: [interrupting] Looks pretty damn solvable to me, Farnsy. Sweet Clyde, use variation of parameter and expand the Wronskian.

[Passes chalk to Sweet Clyde who dribbles the chalk up to the board while the other Globetrotters whistle. Clyde writes an equation under the original then passes the chalk to the other trotters.]

Farnsworth: Shizz, baby. So paradox free time travel is possible after all.

Bubblegum: Right on. But dig this multiplicand here.

Farnsworth: The doom field? That must be what corrects the paradoxes.

Curly Joe: When that momma rises exponentially, it could rupture the very fabric of causality.

Nibbler: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

[Nibbler gets kicked by Zoidberg who runs in, followed by Hermes. Hermes makes a wrong turn and collides with the black board and falls to the floor, gasping for breath.]

Farnsworth: Hermes, you got your body back. Hurrah!

Hermes: Yes, but not the original. Bender went back in time and picked up a copy.

Bubblegum: A copy! Funky cold medina. According to this equation, a time travel duplicate results in a complex denominator in the causality ratio.

Sweet Clyde: Oh Snap! Bet you know what that means.

Hermes: I can guess. Actually, I can't guess.

Bubblegum: Prof, you got a doom meter in this lab.

[Fansworth picks up a device and scans Hermes. The device buzzes and chirps like a Geiger counter.]

Farnsworth: [looking at doom meter showing nearly 1000 millidooms] Good Lord, Bubblegum. The duplicate body is emitting doom at ten times the back ground level.

Bubblegum: I thought as much. A duplicate body is always doomed. It's just a matter of time.

Hermes: I don't care. I just need it long enough to bird dog in an win LaBarbara back.

Bubblegum: Best bird dog fast my brother.

Hermes: That the way I bird dog best.

[Scene: Elzar's. Leela and Lars are at a table. Lars is holding a glass to Leela's mouth on a spoon as Leela laughs.]

Lars: Drink, quick. I can't balance it much longer.

Leela: Wait .. I .. [Leela drinks]

Lars: Yes!

Leela: This is so much fun Lars. Most men are intimidated by the fact that I could kill them with the flick of my wrist.

Lars: Well not me. 'Cause if you do, you'll be stuck with the check.

Elzar: [with a spice weasel] Folks, care for a little fresh ground executive?

Leela: Please.

Elzar: Bam!

[Elzar yanks the spice weasel which emits a puff from it's nose onto Leela's dinner. A pink cloud forming a pair of interlocking hearts float up in front of Leela, framing their faces as they smile at each other.]

Elzar: Don't get excited kids, this thing's got heart shaped nostrils. Want to see it make a star?

[Elzar turns the spice weasel around and lifts it's tail.]

Leela and Lars: No!

[Montage of Lars and Leela playing outer space mini-golf, sitting in a hover car at the Cylon War Memorial at Makeout Point, and taking a soap bubble ride. In the latter, Fry, in another soap bubble with a bouquet of roses, sees Leela and Lars in an embrace. He thrown the roses away in disgust. The bubble pops and he drops screaming.]
[Scene: PE building hanger, Bender come up through the trap door with a book.]

Bender: Here's your Gutenberg Bible master. Plus the Colonel's secret recipe: Chicken, Grease, Salt.

Fleb: Well, that does it. We've got every valuable object in history.

[He tosses the bible over his shoulder, hitting Fry in the head]

Fry: Owww!

Nudar: Hmm. Now that I'm rich I suddenly care if the universe gets destroyed. We can't use that dangerous time code again. Blank it from the robot's memory.

[Fleb holds up a head cleaner cassette. Bender opens his mouth]

Bender: Ahhhhh.

Nudar: [looking at Fry] I'll vaporize this guy so his ass doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Fry: Why don't you just remove my tattoo?

Nudar: Nice try. But you might have memorized it.

Fry: No I mighn't. I can't even remember my mother's maiden name.

Nudar: It's Gleisner.

[Nudar shoots at Fry who jumps out of the way, blowing up a statue behind him]

Fry: [running] Stupid naked aliens. Stupid Lars. I hate the future.

[Fry runs through the lounge where Amy is sleeping on the couch, laser blasts are flying over head. He backs up and picks up a hand mirror that is laying next to the TV.]

Fry: Hmmmm!

[More laser shots. Fry whines and runs. Cut to locker room]

Bubblegum: Man, that cube root was a real buzzer beater, Clyde.

[Fry bursts in, pants down, reading his butt with the mirror]

Fry: Zero. One. One. One. Zero. Zero. One. One!

[The time sphere appears. The aliens burst in]

Schlump: Blast him.

[Fry squeaks in fright and dives into the time sphere. The laser blast explodes a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.]

Bender: Ha ha! You missed! [adding on] Oh great master.

[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:30 AM. Fry appears, pants down]

Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.

Voice: (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo!

Fry: Happy new year.

[Fry pulls up his pants.]
[Scene: PE building, hanger]

Nudar: Well, we'll never know where the ass guy went, and since we can't kill him, I say live and let live.

Bender: Aww, that's sweet boss. Fry'll be nice and cozy back in the year 2000.

Nudar: What?! How do you know he went to the year 2000?

Bender: That's where he always goes.

Nudar: Hmm. Better play it safe. Go there a little earlier and wait for him. You know what to do.

Bender: You want me to concludify him, like some sort of dispatcherator?

Nudar: Yes. And don't forget to terminate him.

Bender: Got it. Preparing to terminate Philip Fry!

Schlump: What's with the doofy sunglasses?

Bender: It's really bright in the past. [Recites the time code]

[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:28 AM. Bender appears a la Terminator]

Bender: Ok, Fry. Come ta poppa. ... Man I'm bored. [spots beer] Ohhh!

[Bender drinks the 5 cans left in the 6 pack from SP3000]

Bender: Hey, there you are! ... Oh, wait, that's Fry before he goes to the future. I'm waiting for the one who comes back from the future. Geesh this is confusing, and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Offf. That cheap beer really goes right through you. For the first time ever, I gotta use the bathroom, but if I leave, I might miss Fry. Ohhhh unless ....

[19 second earlier]

Bender-2: ... and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Huh! Ah! Wha?

Bender: Hi, I'm you from 19 seconds in the future. Stay here and wait for Fry while I go to the bathroom.

Bender-2: Ok Boss. After I kill Fry you're next.

Bender: What?

Bender-2: Nothing.

[A Bender in a tux appears from the timesphere]

Bender-2: What the? Who are you?

Bender-3: I'm Bender from way at the end. I came back to put this rub-on time code on Fry's ass.

Bender-2: So what are you now, a butler? Spot of tea please, jerkwad!

Bender-3: It's called class, you yokel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buttocks to tattoo.

[Bender-3 places the tattoo on Fry in the cryotube. Fry appears from the timesphere.]

Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.

Voice: (OC) Happy New Year, naked weirdo!

Fry: Happy new year.

[Fry pulls up his pants. Bender-2 steps out, pointing the gun at Fry. Fry gasps]

Bender-2: Hasta la vista, meatbag!

Fry: Bender? What are you doing? It's me, your best friend.

Bender-2: Must obey orders. Ohhhhh. Mustn't kill friend!! Ohhhhhh!!! Badly want to urinate!!!!!

Fry: What's happening? Are you urinating?

Bender-2: [monotone] Entering auto destruct sequence. [normal] Awww crap, I hate auto destruct sequence! [monotone] Explosion in seven, six, ...

[Fry kicks Bender-2 who stumbles back into a cryotube. Fry turns the control to 1,000,000 years]

Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.

Bender-2: [monotone] five .. [normal] Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things!

[Bender-2 freezes in the tube]
[Scene: Fry waiting for elevator, the original Bender exits the restroom in time to see Fry get on the elevator.]

Bender: Hey ... so the game of cat and mouse begins, huh? Let us match wits. .... Ohhhh, how am I supposed to find him? All those times he blabbed on and on about his life in the twentieth century. If only I'd paid the slightest bit of attention. Oh well, guess I'd better go kill myself.

[Scene: exterior New York City, sounds of crowds partying. Pan to telephone booth, a fan man sitting on the curb in front of it. In side the booth, a drunk is on the phone.]

Cryogenicist (from Jurassic Bark): Hello, bartender? I have thought it over, and far from being a fat pig, you are very nice and I would like another drink ...

[Bender throws the cryogenicist out of the phone booth]

Bender: Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. [taps foot] Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down.

[Bender scans the Fry page in the telephone book]

Bender: One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you.

Fat Man: My name is Phillip Fry. Where's my present.

Bender: Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly.

Fat Man: Oh no, I've always been this ugly.

Bender: Huh. Let me see your ass. [He looks at the fat man's buttocks.] No tattoo. Okay, you can go.

Fat Man: Farewell sir.

[Scene: Michelle and the blond guy from SP3000 are in bed. Bender bursts in. Michelle screams.]

Bender: Say your prayers, Fry.

Michelle: This isn't Fry. I kicked Fry out two hours ago. This is my new boyfriend ... uhhh ...

Constantine: Constantine.

Michelle: Really? That's a dumb name. Ewwww.

Bender: Hmmm, could be a trick. Let me see your ass, Constantine. [He looks at Constantine's buttocks.] Ohh, nice, now I see why she left Fry.

[Scene: row of houses. Bender rings the door bell of Phillip Fry. The same fat man answers, screams, and drops his pants.]

Bender: Okay, you're still clean. I mean metaphorically.

[Scene: Bender is walking down the street checking off names on page from the telephone book. He wads it up and tosses it in a dumpster.]

Bender: He must have left the city. Man, this could take all day.

[Scene: 11 Months later, Florida, 2000. Election workers are counting ballots behind two bins labeled "Gore" and "Bush".]

Phil: The returns are looking good, Mr. Gore.

Al Gore: Thanks, Phil. Here's to four years of clean air, clean government, and amazing new technologies such as ...

[Bender bursts through the door, gun in hand]

Al Gore: ... ROBOT!

Bender: [racking pump on gun] Philip Fry?

[Al Gore points to Phil. Bender chases Phil out of the room, destroying the bin labeled "Gore" in the process.]

[Scene: USA Toady with headlines Bush "Wins" and obnoxious robot still on loose.]

Transition Announcer: Twelve years passed. Then ...

[Scene: Long island shoreline, 2012]

Transition Announcer: ... this.

[Scene: Beach with people. Bender emerges from the water]
[Scene: Bender ascending the front steps of a house and knocking on the door. Yancy Fry opens the door.]

Bender: Philip J. Fry?

Yancy Fry, Jr.: Phil, some kind of trash can here to see you. He's coming.

Philip J. Fry II: Are you made of Tinkertoy?

Bender: Hmmm. It's been twelve years. Maybe I'm getting taller.

Philip J. Fry II: You're not getting smarter.

Bender: Listen, pipsqueak, are you Philip J. Fry or not? 'Cause if you are, I'm here to kill you.

Philip J. Fry II: I'd like to see you try.

[Bender pulls out the gun]

Philip J. Fry II: [screams] You---you--you want Uncle Phil. He went to the North Pole on a fishyboat.

Bender: Ahhhh! The North Pole? I was just there.

[Scene: Riverfront, Brooklyn Bridge in the background. Bender approaches the "Royal Circus luxury seal clubbing cruises" booth]

Bender: One ticket to the North Pole, please, broom closet class. [Gasps as a bearded figure descends a boarding ramp from a ship] Fry? If only I could be sure. [The figure's pants sag, revealing the Bender tattoo] It is him, I'd recognize me, and hence him, anywhere.

[Scene: Fry flags a Chinese Checker Cab Co. cab. Bender runs after him and flags a Hybraxi.]

Bender: Follow that guy. There's an extra hundred in it for you if you follow him so close that you run him over.

Al Gore: (cab driver) Yes sir.

[Taxi peels out, hits a garage truck, and looses control - careening through traffic and crashing through a sign reading "Warning - severely warped dock" as Bender and Gore scream. The taxi launches off the upturned end of the dock, drops back down, and rolls backwards into the garbage truck, launching Bender into the sky.]

Al Gore: Dang. That hundred dollars could have bought me one. Gallon. Of gas.

[Scene: Fry's cab pulls up in front of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza. Fry pets Seymour, then enters. Bender crashes in the street a second later]

Bender: Ohhh! I lost him. People will call me a failure. [sees Fry in a second floor window] Others however will call me the world's sexiest killing machine who's fun at parties. Fry, old buddy, it's me, Bender.

[Bender fires a blast into the window. The building explodes and collapses, the fire ball quick toasting Seymour, which explains how he was fossilized.]

Bender: Wooo! I totally killed him. [laughs then cries] Oh god, what have I done?

[Scene: Exterior PE Building, 3007. Cut to interior shot of Bender with gun putting on sunglasses.]

Bender: Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.

Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?

Bender: It's really bright in the past.

[Bender recites time code and disappears into the time sphere. A second later he emerges from a trap door in the floor]

Bender: [crying] Mission accomplished.

Schlump: Fry is dead?

Bender: No other robot could have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted down and killed my best friend. [cries] I'm the greatest.

[Fleb inserts the head cleaning cassette into Bender's mouth. His eyes revert to their normal appearance]

Head cleaner: Time code and obedience virus erased.

Bender: Huh?

Head cleaner: Also, fifty terabytes of porn.

Bender: Hey!

Nudar: You've got no porn, no code, and you're ugly! Let's dance!

[The aliens dance and sing. Bender spits out the head cleaner which embeds itself in Nudar's flab]
[Scene: Central Park. A picnic table with a framed photo of Fry on it]'

Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.

Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me.

Leela: And we'll never see if boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age.

Bender: He wasn't and he didn't!

[Crew gasps]

Bender: Struggling alone again incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. [cries] I blew him to mush like a midget in a microwave. [cries]

[Crew gasps]

Amy: Awww, don't blame yourself, Bender.

Bender: I don't blame myself, I blame all of you.

Amy: Us?! How can you possibly blame us?

Bender: It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am. [breaks down and cries] Ohhh, Fry, I'd give anything to unmurder you!

Fry: Did someone call me?

Bender: No. [gasps] Fry? [runs to Fry] But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ...

[Bender punches Fry in the stomach]

Fry: Ooph!

Bender: Nope, he's not a zombie.

[Crew cheers]

Lars: Welcome back Fry.

Fry: [sarcastic] Thank you, Lars.

Lars: [to Leela] I .. ah ... I .. I'll see you later, honey.

Farnsworth: So tell us Fry. If Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you return?

Fry: Ohh, it's an astonishing tale of [[Coinage|incredibleness[[. It all began when I went back in time.

Farnsworth: Duhhh.

[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:00 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]

Fry: Hey, Mr. Panucci, I'm back from that delivery to the cryogenic lab.

Panucci: Great. I'll put you on the cover of Big Whoop magazine!

Fry: Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I have a slice?

[Panucci take a slice of pizza from the garbage and puts it on the counter]

Panucci: Help yourself. Cash up front.

[Fry pull out his wallet that only had future money in it]

H.G. Blob (on bill): This note is legal tender.

Fry: (VO) Unfortunately, I had no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to find free pizza.

[Scene: Cryogenics lab. Fry takes a slice of pizza]

Fry: [groans] Ohh, ice cold.

Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me again ...

Fry: But an hour ago this pizza's still lukewarm. [unzips pants and reads time code off his ass] Zero zero one one zero ...

[Scene: Cryogenics lab, one hour earlier. Fry appears from the timesphere and takes a slice of pizza.]

Bender-2: (OC) [monotone] Explosion in seven, six ...

[In background Fry-2 kicks Bender into the cryotube]

Fry-2: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.

Bender-2: [monotone] five .. [normal] Hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cool things!

Fry: Nice kick, me.

Fry-2: Thanks. What are you doing here?

Fry: One hour from now, I travel back in time for free pizza.

Fry-2: But Nibbler said not to use the time code.

Fry: Fine, Mr. Responsible, don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good.

Fry-2: You pig.

Fry: Whatever.

Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me yet a third time ...

Fry: [slaps himself on the forehead] You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey money.

[Fry goes to tube #40, opens the door, and reaches around frozen Fry, touching his ass on the tattoo.]

Fry: Yuck, I touched my own butt.

[Fry slips on the overturned chair and falls into the cryotube]

[Scene: transition to Fry unthawing as in 1ACV01. Fuy pull up frozen Fry's pants just before he thaws out. Frozen Fry steps out of the tube and stretches. Fry resets the tubes for 7.95 years and pulls the door shut. transition to Fry in Central Park.]

Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know what happened.

Bender: Well, I'm glad you're alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better kill you again. Hold still.

Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See?

[Fansworth switches on a holo projector in his belt buckle which shows the equations from his lab backboard.]

Bender: What'd ya got there? Numbers?

Farnsworth: When the time code duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that includes flabby Jamaican potbellies.

Hermes: Kiss my front butt.

Fry: So my copy lives twelve years before Bender murdered him?

Bender: Brutally murdered.

Fry: I wonder what his life was like?

Scruffy: I guess we'll never know.

Zoidberg: Or will we?

Scruffy: Nope.

Transition Announcer: They won't know, but you will. Lucky you.

[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:01 A.M. Fry-2 pets Seymour, then enters the building]


Fry-2: Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.

Panucci: I know. I read about it in Big Whoop magazine.

Fry-2: So ... uh ... my girlfriend kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room?

Panucci: The upstairs storage? [Laughs] I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat ball hamper.

[Fade to a room outfitted as an apartment with odds and ends. Fry-2 hangs a Family Guy 2000 calendar on the wall. Montage of Fry-2 and Seymour biking through traffic, Fry-2 eating lunch at his parents house, playing basketball with Yancy, and finally Fry-2 in his apartment looking at a picture of Leela and Lars and crying. Pull back to exterior of Panucci's.]
[Scene: Central Park, New New York. Hermes is shaking Fry's hand]

Hermes: Happy day, mon! It's good to have you back.

Nibbler: Indeed, but the scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible.

[Scene: Close up of Fry screaming. Pull back to reveal Fry's apartment, he's being held down on the couch by Farnsworth, Bender, and Bubblegum Tate while Nibbler uses a laser beam like ray from his eye stalk to burn the tattoo off Fry's behind. Leela and Lars are watching the hallway through a crack in the door. The scammers are seen approaching in the hallway.]

Lars: Hurry, they're coming.

Nibbler: There, the code is gone. I saved the space-time continuum and forty percent of your rectum.

Bubblegum: That's all you need.

[The scammers burst through the door, shoving Lars and Leela aside]

Nudar: I sprunje code.

Nibbler: Too late, Nudar. I've wiped Fry's butt clean.

Nudar: [sniffing] We'll see about that.

[Scene: PE hanger. Fry has his pants down while Nudar hold him at gunpoint. Schlump: and Fleb crawl around him sprunjing.]

Fleb: Nothing boss. We sprunjed his ass inside and out.

Schlump: The only information we found was a hair shaped like the number six.

Nudar: [taking hair] Give me that. [eats hair] mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time code really is gone.

Fry: Thank god. The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday.

[Scene: Panucci's, 2003]'

Fry-2: I'm sorry Leela, I can't keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose.

TV Anchorman: ... and that how Bundles the monkey finally found a friend.

Fry-2: I miss Morbo.

TV Anchorman: And finally tonight on the late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal.

Fry-2: Awww.

Dr. Schlovinowitz: (on TV) Leelu is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a mother, she's lost the will to eat. [offering bottle to Leelu] Come on, take a sip.

Fry-2: I know how to make things eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life.

[Scene: New York Aquarium]

Fry: Hi, I'd like to apply for a job working with Leelu.

Dr. Schlovinowitz: Question number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals?

Fry-2: No, but I think they're pretty neat.

Dr. Schlovinowitz: That answers question number two. Question number three, do you know where the door is or would you prefer to be kicked out?

Fry-2: I don't know. I guess kicked out.

[Leelu appears over the edge of the tank next to Fry-2]

Fry-2: Hiya girl. My name's Fry, and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things.

[Fry-2 picks a fish out of a bucked and feeds it to Leelu]

Dr. Schlovinowitz: Holy mackerel, she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow.

Fry-2: If I work of less than minimum, can I start today?

Dr. Schlovinowitz: I don't see why not.

[Scene: PE building]

Morbo: (on TV) In business news, the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item of value, including ownership of this station.

Linda: (on TV) [laughs]

[A trap door opens and Morbo and Linda drop out of sight. The TV shuts off.]

Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.

Zoidberg: We're not unemplo --

[Scene: Exterior of PE, the crew hold boxes of personal items as the door slams closed behind them.]
[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum. Sign reads "Going out of business sale. Wayans heads, 3 for a dollar". Cut to interior, door opens, Lars looks around and then motions to Leela.]

Lars: I love the hard museum at night. It's where I come to be alone.

Heads: Hi Lars.

De Gaulle: Ah, Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for an old Frenchman.

Lars: You're favorite General, Torgo's Executive Powder.

De Gaulle: Mmmm. Magnifique.

Lars: Come on Leela, let me show you the hall of screaming skulls.

[Scene: an exhibit of screaming skulls.]

Leela: It's so romantic. [turns away from Lars and cries]

Lars: What's wrong? Is the screaming depressing you?

Leela: It's just ... my life is changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore.

Lars: I know who you are. You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life.

[Lars and Leela kiss.]

Leela: Let's go to my place.

[Scene: exterior Leela's apartment building. The buildings on each side of it are gone, replaced with piles of rubble. A wrecking ball swings in and demolishes Leela's building. Pull back through a chain link fence to reveal Leela and Lars.]

Lars: I ... like what you've done with it.

Leela: [reading from a sign on the fence] "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"?

Nudar: That would be us, dump cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private panda hunting reserve. Na-na-na!!

Leela: There aren't any Pandas in New New York.

Schlump: Back it up, Sal!

[A dump truck backs in and dumps a load of Pandas. Leela scowls]
[Scene: NNY skyline, snow is falling. Pan down to an alley where the crew stands around a barrel with rubbish burning in it.]

Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.

Zoidberg: Yes. Now.

Tinny Tim: And on Xmas eve, the most wonderful night of the [Bender trips him] ooofff.

Bender: Oops.

Farnsworth: Well, at least we have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever.

[A strong wind suddenly blows, distorting Farnsworth's face. Santabot flies overhead]

Hermes: [pointing] Santa!

"'Santa: Ah, the Planet Express crew. According to my list [Bender mimicking] you've all been very naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies from starving orphans.

[Santa flies away]

Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse.

Bender: We could sing.

Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.

Amy: Why not do both?

Farnsworth: Oh, very well.

[Farnsworth climbs onto a door step with effort.

Farnsworth: [Singing]

I may as well jump.
Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump.

Nudar: [off camera] Neh!

Farnsworth: [singing]

They robbed me of my dignity
And most of my stuff.

Leela: [singing] Lars brought me candy.

Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tinny Tim, and Nibbler: [singing] Cram it down and shut the hell up!

Hermes: [singing] I can't compete with that.

[View through a telescope at a boarded up building with LaBarbara and Barbados Slim visible in a window]

Hermes: [singing]

He's Barbados Slim
And I'm Jamaican fat.
Who would choose a backwards corpse
With lice in his hair?

Leela: [singing] Lars says I'm dreamy.

Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tinny Tim, Bender, Farnsworth: [singing] Who the hell cares?

Bender: [singing]

Oh, won't somebody shoot her please
And put her out of our misery?

Santa: [at head of alley holding weapons] That's my cue.

[Santa opens fire, crew runs screaming. Santa dances and shoots]

Tinny Tim: Oh my word!

Fry: [watching Lars and Leela hugging across the alley, singing]

Lars makes me puke.
I bet she'd love me too
If I was a blad headed kook.

Leela: Hey, guess what guys!

Zoidberg: What?

Leela: [singing]

While we were huddled in fear,
Lars popped the question!

[Leela displays a diamond ring]

Fanrsworth: [singing] Congratulations!

Zoidberg: [singing] Mazel tov!

Amy: [singing] May stars in heaven bless your love!

Bender: [singing]

I think I'm gonna cry
'Cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year!

Fry: Now could things get any worse.

[Santa appears over head]

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho.

[Santa drops a small metal Xmas tree with a ticking clock on it. The crew screams.]

Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.

Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us. [screams and clacks claws]

Lars: Don't worry, a bomb in a case is just like a head in a jar.

[Lars opened the bomb and sprinkles in some Torgo's Executive Powder. The bomb stops ticking. The crew except Fry cheers]

Leela: [hugging Lars] Oh Lars! No blowing us up make me love you even more.

Fry: [grumbling] Life saving goody goody ...

Farnsworth: Well now that death has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say congratulations Leela and Lars.

[Crew except Fry cheers]

Amy: [raising hand] Maid of honor!

Zoidberg: [raising claw an instant later] Maid of honor! Ohhh.

Fry: [quietly] I could make you happy too, if only you'd give me a chance.

[Scene: New York Aquarium, 2006, cut to Leelu's tank: Fry-2 with a plunger on his head sword fights with Leelu.]
[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2008: Fry-2 is in an inflatable raft holding a fish. Leelu comes up through the bottom of the raft. Fry-2 hugs Leelu and laughs as the raft sinks.]
[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2010: Leelu flies out of the water and does a back flip. A moment later Fry-2 does the same thing, landing at a desk with a sign that says "Philip J. Fry, Ass't Director".]
[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank: Fry-2 is sitting on the edge petting Leelu]

Dr. Schlovinowitz: You've done a wonderful job, Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead within a narweek, which is six days I believe.

Fry-2: Nah. Leelu's a champ. She just needed someone to show her how to eat. [Fry-2 tosses a fish into his mouth, and another into Leelu's mouth]

Dr. Schlovinowitz: Now that the kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale behavioral science class.

Fry: So what's up, Dr. Schlovinowitz?

Dr. Schlovinowitz: [sighs] This is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we released Leelu back into the wild.

[Fry-2 coughs up a fish skeleton]

Dr. Schlovinowitz: I'm sorry. The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness monster.

[Scene: in the back ground a crane is lowering something vaguely monstery]

Fry-2: But that turned out to be a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.

[Scene: a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it slung from the crane.]

Dr. Schlovinowitz: Yes, well, it still draws a crowd.

Fry-2: [crying] I can't let this happen, she'll never be happy without me.

[Scene: fade to picture of Lars and Leela in formal clothes. Pull back to reveal it's a wedding invitation that reads "You are cordially asked to attend the wedding of Turanga Leela & Lars Fillmore Sunday, December 27th, 3007 @ 4 O'Clock"]
[Scene: Exterior of Elzar's. Sign reads "Today's specials cream of nothing". Cut to interior. A line of down and out looking people get bowls filled at a window with a sign in AL1 that reads "human broth". Pad to Elzar, Leela, and Lars]

Elzar: I know you're broke and homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped you up some real nice budge appetizers.

Lars: [tasting one] Mmmm. I can keep these down.

Elzar: Okay! That's a big "yes" on the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail.

[Elzar wiggles a dead crustacean in a martini glass. Pan to Fry and Bender at another table]

Fry: There must be some way I can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring?

Bender: Already taken care of. [Bender displays a diamond ring on his finger]

Fry: You think that'll be enough to stop the ceremony.

Bender: Nope. I pulled the old switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I think the copy I made cost more than this.

Fry: Cheap lousy Lars.

Bender: [examining the ring through a jeweler's loupe] Actually this is extremely nice, but I really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them.

Fry: I can't let this happen. She'll never be happy without me.

[Scene: fade to New York City Docks, 2010. Fry-2, accompanied by Panucci in a wheel chair watch a crane hoisting Leelu onto a ship]

Fry-2: It's not fair, we need each other.

Panucci: Fry, you dumb sack, I don't care about your problems at all! [coughs]

Fry-2: You need your blanket Mr. Panucci.

Panucci: I don't even want to be here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that narwal means so much to you, you gotta do something.

Fry-2: I know. But I can't just go chasing after her. That'd be nuts.

Panucci: Ah, Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a small freighter. That's him, right behind us.

Fry-2: [to Panucci] Maybe you're right. [to Panucci's cousin] Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my room.

Panucci: The mans is nuts, Leroy.

Leroy: Professional whale keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along. Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but somehow we just never click on a personal level.

Fry-2: I'm not a professional anymore. Just a narwal loving private citizen.

Leroy: Then I'm you man. We'll take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.

[Scene: fade to exterior of the First Amalgamated Church, December 27, 3007. Cut to interior, Dr. Cahill wheels in a cart several heads on it, including George Bush Sr., Leonard Nimoy, Jacques Cousteau, Matt Groening, and Charles de Gaulle]

Terry: [dramatically] Welcome to the wedding.

Fry: [to Bender] It's a fool proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen with no ink. [laughs and exchanges pens]

Bender: Yeah, once they try to sign that license, all hell will break look. [rolls eyes up, muttering] Oy vey.

LaBarbara: Go on now, mon, don' cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock?

Slim: [struggling with the zipper on LaBarbara's dress] It's more my thing to zip 'em down. [laughs]

Hermes: Get your clumsy, muscular hands off my woman, Barbados.

LaBarbara: Hermes! Your body!

Slim: I always said you were a little backward.

Hermes: Well, I always said you were a little forward ... with my wife.

Bystanders: ohhh!

Hermes: [zips up LaBarbara frock] Consider yourself bird dogged.

LaBarbara: That's my man. Take a boat, Barbados.

[Slim leaves grumbling]

Bubblegum: Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed.

Hermes: Tomorrow morning. After the "festivities".

Bubblegum: [nudging Hermes and spinning a basketball on his finger] Yow, baby!

[The Robot Devil band plays the wedding march, Leela enters escorted by the Professor with Nibbler scattering flower petals in front of them]

Munda: [from a grating beneath the asile] Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a normal two eyed human.

Morris: Eh, he's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.

Munda: Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant. [A humanoid with large fly eyes behind them buzzes and licks fluid off one eye]

Father Changstein-el-Gamahl: Dearly liked, we are gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else.

[Fry chuckles and taps the empty pen]
[Scene: North Pole, 2012: Fry-2, with beard and mustache, looks through binoculars. Cut to a ship amongst ice floes.]

Leroy: It's been two years, Fry. We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free again.

Fry-2: None of them were Leelu.

Inuit #1: But all of them were edible.

Inuit #2: [pointing] Can we at least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage.

Fry-2: [looking through binoculars, gasps] I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere. To the boats!

[Scene: Leelu swimming on the surface. Pan to Fry-2 in a small boat]

Fry-2: Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry.

[Leelu grunts and swims to the boat]

Fry-2: [hugging Leelu] Oh, I've missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we care too much for each other. Fire!

[Leroy pulls the trigger of a gun and a net is released]
[Scene: Wedding]

Father Changstein-el-Gamahl: Now, if the couple will sign the wedding license.

[Fry nudges Bender, who rolls his eyes. Leela attempts to sign, but the pen won't work. Lars gives her another one and she attempts to throw the dead one over her shoulder, poking Hermes in the eye. Hermes stumbles, trips over a rope bringing a chandelier down upon him, severing his head, impaling, and electrocuting his body.]

Farnsworth: I warned him. I warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed.

Lars: [surprised] What?

LaBarbara: Oh, no, my man! He's essentially dead again.

Dr. Cahill: Relax ma'am. Your husband's original body will be repaired within one week.

LaBarbara: Nah uh uh. Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy.

Slim: Cruel runnings, mon. [laughs]

[Dr. Cahill dumps Hermes head in the jar with Charles De Gaulle]

Dr. Cahill: Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy.

Hermes: Well, let's get on with it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way of your happiness.

Lars: No, it's not right. We don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?

Leela: I'm OK with it.

Lars: No, it's not right. The wedding is off.

[Lars leaves, crowd gasps]

Bender: Oh my goodness! [starts stealing the wedding gifts]

Fry: [snickering] Finally, a happy ending.

[Leela cries]
[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]

TV Announcer: [voice over] And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.

[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]

Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.

Fry: Are you okay, Leela?

Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.

Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!

[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]

Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.

[Hypnotoad turns toward him]

Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!

[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I've just received some really great news. I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.

Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me.

Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andrrrrrrromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!

Leela: Oh, Lord.

Nixon: And all I had to do was hand over our last remaining land and water as collateral. So assuming all goes ... [Headless Body of Agnew grunts] What's that, Agnew? A telegram? [reads telegram] Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamadonia.

[Scene: South Street Spaceport]

Nudar, Fleb and Schlump: [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff!, etc.

Leela: All aboard for Neptune!

Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. I'll be cold, and heavy.

[The PE ship takes off]

Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers.

[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]
[Scene: Neptunian cave]

Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.

Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.

Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, Yetis.

Farnsworth: Amy, you speak Yeti. What are they saying?

Amy: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... "assaulting the interlopers."

[Seconds later, Yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]

Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.

Hermes: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.

[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]
[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]

Inuit #2: Is that normal?

Inuit #1: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...

Fry-2: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?

[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange male narwhal doing flips and spins]

Fry-2: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.

Leroy: Damn whale keepers.

[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]

Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.

Santa: [Holding a missile launcher] Ho. Ho. Ho... [Drops missile launcher] Oh, my heart's not in it. I'm too depressed for murder and mayhem.

Amy: Aw, try some antidepressants. They're gummy.

Fry: What happened, Santa?

Santa: The scammers cheated me out of my naughty list to use for telemarketing. Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!

Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. No more running and hiding. It's time to fight back.

Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.

Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.

[Leela slaps Robot Santa]

Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list!

[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]
[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]

Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.

Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled, solid-gold Death Stars.

[Headless Body of Agnew presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]

Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.

Nixon: We're hopelessly outgunned. The Force is with us, but that's about it.

Santa: Ah, but we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.

[Scene: Santa's workshop, hip-hop music starts to play]

Santa: [singing]

I brought the elves back from vacation,
Chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...

Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And the Chanukah zombie.

Santa: [singing]

Three mad, wise men
Baring murder and frankincense.

Neptunians: [singing] Damn you! Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa: [singing]

Shut up!
Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.

Neptunians: [singing] Says who? Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa:[singing]

Says me!
Napalm makes them slightly more harmful.
No one here goes near that door,
This toyshop's going to war!

Chanukah Zombie: [singing]

Talmud says "Be slow to anger”,
Low-down scammers got me seeing red.
Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar,
Jump back, Jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.

Neptunians: [singing] Ten hut! Doo, doo, doodoo!

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] <poem>Dreidl, dreidl
I made it out of blasting clay

Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts. Doo, doo, doodoo!

'Chanukah Zombie: [singing]

And when it's dry and ready,
For mercy they will pay.
I can't wait eight nights or more,
This zombie's going to war!

Kwanzabot: [rapping, while Robot Santa beatboxes]
<poem>Check, check it out, Kwanzabot,
In the NeptizzIe-hizzIe.
With my inhuman beatbox
Busy building missiles.
They're guided by these cute
Dancing fairy figures,
Careful, little elf,
That's proximity-triggered.
I'm fighting back for Kwanza
So the children won't miss it.
I'm confused about its meaning
But I know it when they diss it.
So, Santa?

Santa: [singing] Yeah, K?

Kwanzabot: [singing] CZ?

'Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Hey, hey.

Kwanzabot: [rapping]

Let's slay them pimps!
C'mon, pimp my sleigh!

Chanukah Zombie: [singing]

Easy with that toy artillery.
Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.

Santa: Can they sue for liability?

Nixon: Certainly not!

Santa: [singing] Use as much as you are able.

Neptunians: [singing] This bites. Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa: [singing]

You signed away your rights
When you were hired.

Leela: [singing] Now, let's fight.

Nixon: [singing, simultaneously] Let's fight.

Neptunians: Doo, doo, doodoo!

Santa: [singing] Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore!

Santa, Chanukah Zombie and Kwanzabot: [singing] This trinity's going to war!

[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]

Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...

Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!

Leela: What?

Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.

[Kif sighs and crouches down]

Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.

Cubert: Here, sir!

Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!

Zapp: Dwight Slim.

Dwight: Here.

Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!

[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]

Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.

Kif: Forty-six.

Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.

Kif: One.

Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?

Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth?

Lars: Lars Fillmore.

Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.

Leela: Yes, yes, yes.

Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir.

Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velour marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]

Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command?

Nibbler: No.

Sal: Nos.

Bubblegum: Nah.

Al Gore: Nope.

Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.

Donbot: No, I do not.

Santa: No.

Kwanzabot: It's cool.

Chanukah Zombie: Argh!

Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!

[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]
[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the Death Stars]

Fleb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship.

[Scammers laugh]

Leela: Unit 10, Target H, 16-K. Niner, niner, go left! I mean right.

Sal: Whoas!

Leela: 55-U. 8-R, 2-V.

Farnsworth: Bingo!

Hattie: Cheating son of a...

[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]

Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!

Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?

Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!

Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.

[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]
[Al Gore's head fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]

Al Gore: [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.

[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]
[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]

Clamps: He's champing for a clamping!

[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a Death Star]
[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]

Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang!

[Everyone cheers]

Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?

LaBarbara: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Truth be, I married you for your sexy potato body,but I'm staying with you for your sexy potato head.

Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.

[Slim tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]
[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]

Nudar: Nice attack, doo-doo heads! Too bad we have one last trick up our sleeve!

Amy: I doubt that!

Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth?

[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Spheroboom]

Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.

Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!

Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?

Leela: Never!

Nudar: Or totaI destruction?

Leela: Also never!

Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!

Leela: [Melodramatically] Nevvveeeeer!

Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. [Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]

[The crew gasp]

Bender: Shut up and keep looking apologized to.

Leela: [Acting nonchalant] Dum de dum.

[Leela presses the "FIRE" button. The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]'

Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.

[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nudist aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]

Amy: Yay! Bender!

Fry: All right!

[Crew cheers]

Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...

[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]

Bender: (VO) ... and as soon as I was out of the scammers' control, I pulled the old switcheroo.

[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]
[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]

Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest!

[Everyone cheers]

Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.

Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.

[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]

Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...

[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]
[Leela tries to hold back tears]

Fry: What is it?

Leela: Nothing.

Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!

Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.

Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.

Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.

Fry: You remember when we first met?

Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.

Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.

[Scene: Fry-2's boat in the Arctic]

Fry-2: Why are you so sad, Leelu?

[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]

Fry-2: Him again? [sudden realization strikes] Wait a second, are you two...

[Leelu nods]
[Fry-2 takes the plunger off his head]

Fry-2: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.

Inuit #2: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.

Fry-2: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.

[The Inuits open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry-2 looks on sadly]

Fry-2: Goodbye, Leelu.

[Fry-2 sobs]
[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]

Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?

Leela: Lars?

Lars: I... I really have to go, I...

Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?

Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.

Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.

Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?

Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...

[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]

Nudar: Nobody move!

Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?

Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!

Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.

Nudar: Not you.

[Nudar points his gun at Lars]

Nudar: You!

Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!

Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!

Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?

Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun! Go ahead and shoot!

Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?

Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!

Lars: [crying] I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.

[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the Bender-2. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender-2 and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]

Nudar: What the...

Bender-2: [monotone] Four, three, two, [normal voice] one, Boom! [Nothing happens. Bender-2 laughs] Woah!

[Bender-2 explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender-2.]

Leela: Lars, no!

[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]
[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry-2 is shaking hands with Captain Leroy. Fry-2 leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]

Fry-2: [Looking at a picture of Leelu] It's enough just to know you're happy.

Fry-2: [Looking at a picture of Leela and crying] You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.

[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]

Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! [Bender fires his gun]

[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry-2's hair catches on fire]

Fry-2: My hair!

[Coughs]

Fry-2: My larynx!

[Fry-2 with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]

Lars: I'm Lars? I'm Lars!

[Lars bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]

Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.

[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]
[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]
[Scene: Lars enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of "30 Century Man". He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]
[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]

Lars: [On a screen] So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.

Leela: [sad] I understand.

Crazy Guy: That concludes another Silly Willy Wideo Will!

Fry: He was a good man, Leela.

Leela: Yeah... you were.

[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]

Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.

Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.

Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!

Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender.

[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]

Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...

[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]

Bender: Mission accomplished!

Fry: You put the time code on my ass?

Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.

[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]

Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!

[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]

Bender: What's the worst that can happen?

[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]

Bender: Well, we're boned.

[Closing Credits.]
Futurama transcripts
1ACV
(Season 1)		 "Space Pilot 3000" • "The Series Has Landed" • "I, Roommate" • "Love's Labours Lost in Space" • "Fear of a Bot Planet" • "A Fishful of Dollars" • "My Three Suns" • "A Big Piece of Garbage" • "Hell Is Other Robots" • "A Flight to Remember" • "Mars University" • "When Aliens Attack" • "Fry and the Slurm Factory"
2ACV
(Season 2)		 "I Second that Emotion" • "Brannigan, Begin Again" • "A Head in the Polls" • "Xmas Story" • "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?" • "The Lesser of Two Evils" • "Put Your Head on My Shoulders" • "Raging Bender" • "A Bicyclops Built for Two" • "A Clone of My Own" • "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back" • "The Deep South" • "Bender Gets Made" • "Mother's Day" • "The Problem with Popplers" • "Anthology of Interest I" • "War Is the H-Word" • "The Honking" • "The Cryonic Woman"
3ACV
(Season 3)		 "Amazon Women in the Mood" • "Parasites Lost" • "A Tale of Two Santas" • "The Luck of the Fryrish" • "The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz" • "Bendless Love" • "The Day the Earth Stood Stupid" • "That's Lobstertainment!" • "The Cyber House Rules" • "Where the Buggalo Roam" • "Insane in the Mainframe" • "The Route of All Evil" • "Bendin' in the Wind" • "Time Keeps on Slippin'" • "I Dated a Robot" • "A Leela of Her Own" • "A Pharaoh to Remember" • "Anthology of Interest II" • "Roswell that Ends Well" • "Godfellas" • "Future Stock" • "The 30% Iron Chef"
4ACV
(Season 4)		 "Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch" • "Leela's Homeworld" • "Love and Rocket" • "Less than Hero" • "A Taste of Freedom" • "Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television" • "Jurassic Bark" • "Crimes of the Hot" • "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles" • "The Why of Fry" • "Where No Fan Has Gone Before" • "The Sting" • "Bend Her" • "Obsoletely Fabulous" • "The Farnsworth Parabox" • "Three Hundred Big Boys" • "Spanish Fry" • "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings"
5ACV
(Season 5)
Bender's Big Score The Beast with a Billion Backs Bender's Game Into the Wild Green Yonder
Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4 Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4 Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4 Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4
6ACV
(Season 6)		 "Rebirth" • "In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela" • "Attack of the Killer App" • "Proposition Infinity" • "The Duh-Vinci Code" • "Lethal Inspection" • "The Late Philip J. Fry" • "That Darn Katz!" • "A Clockwork Origin" • "The Prisoner of Benda" • "Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences" • "The Mutants Are Revolting" • "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular" • "The Silence of the Clamps" • "Möbius Dick" • "Law and Oracle" • "Benderama" • "The Tip of the Zoidberg" • "Ghost in the Machines" • "Neutopia" • "Yo Leela Leela" • "Fry Am the Egg Man" • "All the Presidents' Heads" • "Cold Warriors" • "Overclockwise" • "Reincarnation"
7ACV
(Season 7)		 "The Bots and the Bees" • "A Farewell to Arms" • "Decision 3012" • "The Thief of Baghead" • "Zapp Dingbat" • "The Butterjunk Effect" • "The Six Million Dollar Mon" • "Fun on a Bun" • "Free Will Hunting" • "Near-Death Wish" • "31st Century Fox" • "Viva Mars Vegas" • "Naturama" • "Forty Percent Leadbelly" • "2-D Blacktop" • "T.: The Terrestrial" • "Fry and Leela's Big Fling" • "The Inhuman Torch" • "Saturday Morning Fun Pit" • "Calculon 2.0" • "Assie Come Home" • "Leela and the Genestalk" • "Game of Tones" • "Murder on the Planet Express" • "Stench and Stenchibility" • "Meanwhile"
8ACV
(Season 8)		 "The Impossible Stream" • "Children of a Lesser Bog" • "How the West Was 1010001" • "Parasites Regained" • "Related to Items You've Viewed" • "I Know What You Did Next Xmas" • "Rage Against the Vaccine" • "Zapp Gets Cancelled" • "The Prince and the Product" • "All the Way Down"
S01E
(Broadcast season 1)		 "Space Pilot 3000" • "The Series Has Landed" • "I, Roommate" • "Love's Labours Lost in Space" • "Fear of a Bot Planet" • "A Fishful of Dollars" • "My Three Suns" • "A Big Piece of Garbage" • "Hell Is Other Robots"
S02E
(Broadcast season 2)		 "A Flight to Remember" • "Mars University" • "When Aliens Attack" • "Fry and the Slurm Factory" • "I Second that Emotion" • "Brannigan, Begin Again" • "A Head in the Polls" • "Xmas Story" • "Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?" • "Put Your Head on My Shoulders" • "The Lesser of Two Evils" • "Raging Bender" • "A Bicyclops Built for Two" • "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back" • "A Clone of My Own" • "The Deep South" • "Bender Gets Made" • "The Problem with Popplers" • "Mother's Day" • "Anthology of Interest I"
S03E
(Broadcast season 3)		 "The Honking" • "War Is the H-Word" • "The Cryonic Woman" • "Parasites Lost" • "Amazon Women in the Mood" • "Bendless Love" • "The Day the Earth Stood Stupid" • "That's Lobstertainment!" • "The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz" • "The Luck of the Fryrish" • "The Cyber House Rules" • "Insane in the Mainframe" • "Bendin' in the Wind" • "Time Keeps on Slippin'" • "I Dated a Robot"
S04E
(Broadcast season 4)		 "Roswell that Ends Well" • "A Tale of Two Santas" • "Anthology of Interest II" • "Love and Rocket" • "Leela's Homeworld" • "Where the Buggalo Roam" • "A Pharaoh to Remember" • "Godfellas" • "Future Stock" • "A Leela of Her Own" • "The 30% Iron Chef" • "Where No Fan Has Gone Before"
S05E
(Broadcast season 5)		 "Crimes of the Hot" • "Jurassic Bark" • "The Route of All Evil" • "A Taste of Freedom" • "Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch" • "Less than Hero" • "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles" • "The Why of Fry" • "The Sting" • "The Farnsworth Parabox" • "Three Hundred Big Boys" • "Spanish Fry" • "Bend Her" • "Obsoletely Fabulous" • "Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television" • "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings"
S06E
(Broadcast season 6)		 "Bender's Big Score Part 1" • "Bender's Big Score Part 2" • "Bender's Big Score Part 3" • "Bender's Big Score Part 4" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 1" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 2" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 3" • "The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 4" • "Bender's Game Part 1" • "Bender's Game Part 2" • "Bender's Game Part 3" • "Bender's Game Part 4" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 1" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 2" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 3" • "Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 4"
S07E
(Broadcast season 7)		 "Rebirth" • "In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela" • "Attack of the Killer App" • "Proposition Infinity" • "The Duh-Vinci Code" • "Lethal Inspection" • "The Late Philip J. Fry" • "That Darn Katz!" • "A Clockwork Origin" • "The Prisoner of Benda" • "Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences" • "The Mutants Are Revolting" • "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular"
S08E
(Broadcast season 8)		 "Neutopia" • "Benderama" • "Ghost in the Machines" • "Law and Oracle" • "The Silence of the Clamps" • "Yo Leela Leela" • "All the Presidents' Heads" • "Möbius Dick" • "Fry Am the Egg Man" • "The Tip of the Zoidberg" • "Cold Warriors" • "Overclockwise" • "Reincarnation"
S09E
(Broadcast season 9)		 "The Bots and the Bees" • "A Farewell to Arms" • "Decision 3012" • "The Thief of Baghead" • "Zapp Dingbat" • "The Butterjunk Effect" • "The Six Million Dollar Mon" • "Fun on a Bun" • "Free Will Hunting" • "Near-Death Wish" • "31st Century Fox" • "Viva Mars Vegas" • "Naturama"
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