Difference between revisions of "Transcript:Bender's Big Score Part 1"

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|for=Bender's Big Score Part 1
|for=Bender's Big Score Part 1
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|thanks to=''Red_Line'' and ''Neosmith92''
|thanks to=''Red_Line'', ''Neosmith92'' and ''Quolnok''
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
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}}
}}


[An owl flies over the planet express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]  
:''[Opening Credits. Caption: It just won't stay dead!]''


Hermes (VO): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!
:''[An owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]''


[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]
'''[[Hermes]] (VO)''': Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!


Leela: Here!
:''[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]''


Hermes (VO): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!
'''[[Leela]]''': Here!  


[Nibbler spits out Fry]
'''Hermes (VO)''': Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!


Fry: Here!
:''[Nibbler spits out Fry]''


Hermes (VO): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!
'''[[Fry]]''': Here!  


Bender: Here! [Falls on Fry and Leela from above] Cerveza, por favor.
'''Hermes (VO)''': Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!  


[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]
'''[[Bender]]''': Here! ''[Falls on Fry and Leela from above]'' Cerveza, por favor.


Hermes (VO): Long-term intern, Amy Wong.
:''[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]''


Amy [While combing her long hair]: Here!
'''Hermes (VO)''': Long-term intern, Amy Wong.


[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]
'''[[Amy]] [While combing her long hair]''': Here!


Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.
:''[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]''


[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]
'''Hermes (VO)''': Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.


Zoidberg: What? I thought it was mine!
:''[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]''


Hermes (VO): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad
'''[[Zoidberg]]''': Huh? I thought it was mine!


Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!
'''Hermes (VO)''': Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad


[Hermes steps out of the way]
'''Hermes''': Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!


Farnsworth: You're all fired.
:''[Hermes steps out of the way]''


Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!
'''[[Professor Hubert Farnsworth|Farnsworth]]''': You're all fired.


Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.
'''Hermes''': Sweet bongo of the Congo!  


[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]
'''Farnsworth''': In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.


Farnsworth (VO): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our License.
:''[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]''


[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]
'''Farnsworth (VO)''': Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license.


Fry: We were canceled?
:''[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]''


Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.
'''Fry''': We were canceled?


[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.


Farnsworth: Yes? I see.
:''[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]''


[Farnsworth hangs up]
'''Farnsworth''': Yes? I see.


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.
:''[Farnsworth hangs up]''


Staff: Woohoo!
'''Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who cancelled us were themselves fired for incompetence.


Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.
'''Staff''': Woohoo!


Staff: Woo!
'''Farnsworth''': And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.


Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.
'''Staff''': Woo!


Staff: Woo? [Bender laughs]
'''Farnsworth''': In fact, most of them died from their injuries.


Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.
'''Staff''': Woo? ''[Bender laughs]''


Fry: Why?
'''Farnsworth''': And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.


Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.
'''Fry''': Why?


[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder” in his trousers]
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, it's got a million and one uses.


Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.
:''[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder" in his trousers]''


[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]
'''Farnsworth''': Ahhh, that soothes the fire.


Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?
:''[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]''


Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!
'''Leela''': So what does this mean for us and our many fans?


[The staff look at him blankly]
'''Farnsworth''': It means we're back on the air!


Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!
:''[The staff look at him blankly]''


Staff: Woooohoooo!
'''Farnsworth''': Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!  


Bender: We're back, baby!
'''Staff''': Woooohoooo!  


[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]
'''Bender''': We're back, baby!


All: Party! Go, go, go!
:''[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]''


Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!
'''All''': Party! Go, go, go!  


Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?
'''[[Cubert]]''': Lower, lawn mower!


Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.
'''Hermes''': What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?


All: Hooray.
'''Bender''': Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.  


Fry: Way to bend it!
'''All''': Hooray.


Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!
'''Fry''': Way to bend it!  


Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.
'''Bender''': You're the greatest, Bender!


Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.
'''Hermes''': In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.  


Staff: Ooooohh...
'''Leela''': Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.  


[Hermes rips off his shirt]
'''Staff''': Ooooohh...


Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabers.
:''[Hermes rips off his shirt]''


[Fry and Leela fetch down one of them sabers hanging above a fireplace]
'''Hermes''': Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabres.


Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.
:''[Fry and Leela fetch down one of the sabres hanging above a fireplace]''


[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican style tune as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]
'''Bender''': Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.


Hermes: Lower.
:''[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican version of the "Sabre Dance" as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]''


[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly]
'''Hermes''': Lower.


Bender: The fat guy wins!
:''[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly]''


Fry: Go, Hermes!
'''Bender''': The fat guy wins!  


Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.
'''Fry''': Go, Hermes!


[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck.]
'''Hermes''': That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.  


Scruffy: Oh, no.
:''[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck.]''


[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.][An ambulance goes down the street, followed by the opening credits]
'''[[Scruffy]]''': Oh, no.  


[Main title: It just won't stay dead!]
:''[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.]''


Featuring:
:''[Scene: Head museum]''


Phillip J. Fry [Fry looks at the screen and smiles, one of his teeth fall out]
'''Fry''': Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?


Turanga Leela [Leela blows smoke off a laser]
'''[[Dr. Cahill]]''': I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.


Bender Rodriguez [Bender rides up a cliff on a horse]
:''[Hermes' head is sitting on a pedestal]''


Amy Wong [Amy dances to the Futurama theme]
'''Hermes''': Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty.


Dr. John Zoidberg [Zoidberg clicks his claws to the Futurama theme]
'''Dr. Cahill''': I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.


Professor Hubert Farnsworth [Farnsworth looks around, then walks offscreen]
'''Zoidberg''': Tell me about it.


Hermes Conrad [Hermes stamps a big "File under: RENEWED" stamp onto the screen]
'''Hermes''': I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!


And introducing Zylex [A yellow monster with big yellow teeth is shown]
'''Dr. Cahill''': Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!


[Scene: Head museum]
:''[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]''


Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?
'''[[Lars]]''': Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.  


Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.
'''Leela''': What are you looking at? Is it the eye?


[Hermes head is sitting on a pedestal]
'''Lars''': Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.


Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blond bimbo's on duty.
'''Leela''': Oh. Do I know you?


Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blond and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.
'''Lars''': Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.  


Zoidberg: Tell me about it.
'''Leela''': Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.  


Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!
'''Lars''': Nice to be met.


Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!
'''Hermes''': Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!  


[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]
'''Lars''': Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!


Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.
:''[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]''


Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?
'''Amy''': Lars is so flirting with you.


Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.
'''Leela''': He is so not. He's just being polite.  


Leela: Oh. Do I know you?
'''Fry''': Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?  


Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.
'''Leela''': No. Stop being so immature.  


Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.
'''Fry''': I'll show her who's immature.  


Lars: Nice to be met.
'''Fry''': "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.  


Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!
'''[[Charles de Gualle's Head|De Gaulle]]''': I freed France from the Nazis and...


Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!
:''[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]''


[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]
'''Fry''': Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.


Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.
'''Bender''': Rock that Frenchman, baby!


Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.
:''[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]''


Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?
'''[[LaBarbara Conrad|LaBarbara]]''': Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!


Leela: No. Stop being so immature.
'''Hermes''': There, there, wife. Everything will be all--


Fry: I'll show her who's immature.
'''LaBarbara''': Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.  


Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.
'''Hermes''': He has a daddy!


De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and...  
'''LaBarbara''': No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?


[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]
'''Dr. Cahill''': Yes, but it may take a few days.


Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.
'''LaBarbara''': No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.  


Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!  
'''Hermes''': LaBarbara, no!  


[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]
'''Bender''': It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.


LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!
'''Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.


Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all--
'''Staff''': Woohoo!


LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.
'''Bender''': So long, jerk.


Hermes: He has a daddy!
:''['''Advertisement''': Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an oval.]''


LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?
<poem>'''Announcer''': [voice-over] ''Futurama'' is brought to you by ... ''[The oval zooms back into a corner and is replaced by a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.]'' ... Torgo's Executive Powder. ''[cut to cutouts of human heads and shoulders going into a grinder, producing pink powder]'' Only Torgo's packs the power of five highly paid television executives into every can for maxim odour absorption.</poem>


Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.
:''[Scene: a woman shakes some Torgo's Executive Powder into a toilet, then flushes]''


LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.
<poem>'''[[Torgo's Jingle Singer]]''': [singing] When your toilet smells like faeces,
from some disgusting species;
make it take a powder,
with Torgo's!</poem>


Hermes: LaBarbara, no!
:''[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]''


Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.
'''Leela''': It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.  


Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.
'''Fry''': That's not the wheel.  


Staff: Woohoo!
:''[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]''


Bender: So long, jerk.[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.
'''Leela''': It's nice out.  


Fry: That's not the wheel.
:''[The crew starts stripping down]''


[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]
'''Fry''': "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?


Leela: It's nice out.
'''Zoidberg''': Watch and learn.  


[The crew starts stripping down]
:''[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]''


Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?
:''[Fry gags]''


Zoidberg: Watch and learn.
:'':''[Scene: Nude beach crowded with all manner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]''


[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
'''Bender''': You know, it's funny.


[Fry gags][Scene: Nude beach crowded with all maner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]
'''Fry''': What?


Bender: You know, it's funny.
'''Bender''': Your weiner!


Fry: What?
'''Farnsworth''': Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?  


Bender: Your wiener!
'''Amy''': I'm in!  


Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?
'''Leela''': I'm in.  


Amy: I'm in!
'''Bender''': Yeah, I'll go.


Leela: I'm in.
'''Fry''': You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.


Bender: Yeah, I'll go.
:''[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]


Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]Fry: Here's your package, sir.
'''Fry''': Here's your package, sir.  


Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?
'''Bartender''': Why are you talking to my penis?  


Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.
'''Fry''': Oh, sorry. Sign here.  


Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?
'''Bartender''': Mind if I use your pen?  


Fry: Well, that's not a...
'''Fry''': Well, that's not a...  


[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]
:''[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]''


Fry: And initial here. [screams again OC]
'''Fry''': And initial here. ''[screams again OC]''


Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.
'''Fry''': Thank you for using Planet Express.  


Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.
'''Leela''': Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.  


Fry: Me neither.
'''Fry''': Me neither.  


Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.
'''Bender''': You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.  


Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.
'''Farnsworth''': So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.  


[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]  
:''[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]''


[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]  
:'':''[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]''


Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.  
'''Bender''': Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.  


Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?  
'''[[Nudar]]''': Sir, would you care to sign our petition?  


Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.  
'''Bender''': I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.  


Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.  
'''Nudar''': That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.  


Bender: Really? Down with those guys!  
'''Bender''': Really? Down with those guys!  


Flebb: And we'll need your e-mail address.  
'''[[Fleb]]''': And we'll need your e-mail address.  


Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.  
'''Bender''': Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.  


Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.  
'''Nudar''': Right. That's just what those same guys say.  


Bender: Them again?  
'''Bender''': Them again?  


[Bender signs "bender@ilovebender.com" under "[email protected]" and "[email protected]"]
:''[Bender signs "Bender@iloveBender.com" under "[email protected]" and "[email protected]"]''


[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]  
:''[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]''


Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.  
'''Leela''': I don't quite understand what this petition's about.  


Schlump: Animals?  
'''[[Schlump]]''':: Animals?  


[Leela signs the petition]  
:''[Leela signs the petition]''


Schlump: And your e-mail address.
'''Schlump''':: And your e-mail address.  


Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?
'''Leela''': You won't send me any spam, will you?  


Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.  
'''Nudar''': Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.  


[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]  
:'':''[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]''


Leela's wrist thing: You've got spam.  
'''[[Leela's Wrist Thingy]]''': You've got spam.  


Leela: Spam, spam, junk. The very last pygmy rhino is going extinct? Unless it gets my credit card number?
'''Leela''': Spam, spam, junk.


Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.
'''Amy''': Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.  


Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.
'''Amy's computer''': Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.  


Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.  
'''Amy''': Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.  


Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number.
'''Amy's computer''': Please enter credit card number.  


[Amy takes out a wad of cash]
:''[Amy takes out a wad of cash]''


Amy: Is cash okay?
'''Amy''': Is cash okay?  


[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash]  
:''[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash]''


[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]
:''[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]''


Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. [reading] Scientists at West Johnson Pornoversity need test subjects to rate top quality roborotica. Ooh, top-quality.
'''Bender''': Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe.  


[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]
:''[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]''


Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.
'''Bender''': Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.  


[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]
:''[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]''


Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.
'''Bender''': Oh, yeah, come on, baby.  


[An obedience virus downloads itself into bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]
:''[A virus downloads itself into Bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]''


[Zoidberg scuttles in]  
:''[Zoidberg scuttles in]''


Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.
'''Zoidberg''': Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.  


Amy: That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?  
'''Amy''': When will those antidepressants get here?  


Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.
'''Zoidberg''': Wait, there's more. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.  


[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]
:''[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]''


Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?  
'''Hermes''': You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?  


Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.
'''Zoidberg''': That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.  


[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]
:''[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]''


Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.Hermes: I am here!Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!
'''Farnsworth''': What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.
'''Hermes''': I am here!'''


[Scene: conference table.]
Farnsworth''': Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!


Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phony Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phony. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phony. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?
:'':''[Scene: conference table.]''


Leela: No, it's a scam!
'''Farnsworth''': Now, it's not hard to spot a phoney Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phoney. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phoney. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?


Farnsworth: Yes, yes, a scam. My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.
'''Leela''': No, it's a scam!  


Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!
'''Farnsworth''': My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.


Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.
'''Hermes''': Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!


Amy: No, don't!
'''Farnsworth''': I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.


Leela: It's a scam!
'''Amy''': No, don't!  


Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?
'''Leela''': It's a scam!  


Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!
'''Hermes''': Why won't anybody listen to me?!?


[Door bell rings]
'''Farnsworth''': And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!


Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?
:''[Door bell rings]''


Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.  
'''Farnsworth''': That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?


[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]
'''Nudar''': Hi. We own your company now.


Farnsworth: Hwhaa?
:''[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]''


Bender: I'll deal with these guys. Welcome, boss.
'''Farnsworth''': Hwhaa?


Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.  
'''Bender''': Welcome, boss.  


Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. [Bender imitates trumpet sounds] Presenting our new masters!
'''Nudar''': Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.  


[Scene: Planet express hangar, it looks like an office now]  
'''Bender''': I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. ''[Bender gets a red carpet out of his cavity and imitates a trumpet fanfare]'' Presenting our new masters!


Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?
:'':''[Scene: Planet Express hangar, it looks like an office now]''


Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!
'''Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]''': Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?


Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.
'''Nudar''': Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!


Amy: Yeah!
'''Leela''': We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.


Fry: Yeah!
'''Amy''': Yeah!  


Leela: Hi-yah!  
'''Fry''': Yeah!  


[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]
'''Leela''': Hi-yah!


[Bender chuckles]
:''[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]''


Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads ofquote-unquote merchandise to deliver.
:''[Bender chuckles]''


[Flebb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]
'''Nudar''': Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver.


Flebb: Ship them out, Your Highness.
:''[Fleb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]''


Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.
'''Fleb''': Ship them out, Your Highness.  


[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]
'''Zoidberg''': Finally, some respect.  


Amy: I feel a little better.
:''[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]''


[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]
'''Amy''': I feel a little better.


Bender: Those marvelous scammers sure scammed us, huh?
:''[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]''


Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?
'''Bender''': Those marvellous scammers sure scammed us, huh?  


Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.
'''Leela''': How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?  


[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]
'''Bender''': Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.


Lars: Greetings, earthlings.
:''[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]''


Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.
'''Lars''': Greetings, earthlings.  


Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.
'''Fry''': Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.  


Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?
'''Lars''': Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.  


Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.
'''Hermes''': Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?


[Bender chuckles]
'''Lars''': Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.


Bender: It's a fake place.
:''[Bender chuckles]''


Hermes: Cut to the chase, baldy. When do I get my me back?
'''Bender''': It's a fake place.  


Lars: Well, it could be months, or even years.
'''Hermes''': No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?


Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?
'''Amy''': Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.


Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.
'''Zoidberg''': Barbados Slim? I love that guy.  


Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.
'''Hermes''': Everybody loves Slim.  


Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.
:''[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]''


[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]
'''Hermes''': He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.


Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.
'''Lars''': Well, maybe I should get going.  


Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.
'''Fry''': Yes, I'll show you out.  


Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.
'''Amy''': No, Leela will show him out.  


Amy: No, Leela will show him out.
'''Leela''': No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.  


Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.
:''[Scene: Planet Express door]


[Scene: Planet Express door]
'''Lars''': So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?


Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?
'''Leela''': Nope.  


Leela: Nope.
'''Lars''': Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.  


Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.
'''Leela''': Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"


Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"
'''Lars''': Let me maybe give it some thought.  


Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.
:''[Both chuckle]''


[Both chuckle]
'''Lars''': Tomorrow at 8:00?


Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00?
'''Leela''': Okay.


Leela: Okay.
:''[Back at the lounge...]''


[Back at the lounge...]
'''Fry''': It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?


Fry: It's no fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?
'''Amy''': Yes.  


Amy: Yes.
'''Fry''': Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.  


Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.
'''Leela''': Lars asked me out!


Leela: Lars asked me out!
:''[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]''


[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]  
:''[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]''


[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]
'''Bender''': What are you doing, wonderful masters?


Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?
'''Fleb''': Sprunjing for information.


Schlump: Sprunjing for information.
:''[Nudar sprunjes a wall]''


[Nudar sprunjes a wall]
'''Nudar''': Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!


Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!
'''Bender''': Goody, goody, goody, goody!  


Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!
:''[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]''


[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]
'''Zoidberg''': What's that thing on your neck?


Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?
'''Nudar''': Checking out my sprunjer, huh?  


Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?
'''Zoidberg''': I guess. What does it do?  


Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?
'''Nudar''': It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... ''[moans]'' Information.  


Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.
'''Zoidberg''': Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.  


Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.
:''[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]''


[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
:''[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]''


[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]
'''Bender''': Hey, look, a safe!


Bender: Hey, look, a safe!
'''Farnsworth''': That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.


Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.
'''Nudar''': No callsies! Open it!


Nudar: No callsies! Open it!
:''[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]''


[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]
'''Fleb''': It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!


Flebb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!
:''[The nudists start moaning]''


[The nudists start moaning]
:''[Fry and Leela enter]''


[Fry and Leela enter]
'''Fry''': I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?


Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?
'''Leela''': Well, for one thing, his chequebook doesn't have the Hulk on it.  


Leela: Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn't have the Hulk on it.
:''[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]''


[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]
'''Nudar''': Who are you?


Nudar: Who are you?
'''Fry''': Philip J. Fry.


Fry: Philip J. Fry.
'''Fleb''': Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?


Flebb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?
'''Fry''': That's right.


Fry: That's right.
'''Nudar''': I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.  


Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.
:''[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]''


[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]
'''Schumlp''': Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.


Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.
'''Nudar''': It's in his pants!


Nudar: It's in his pants!
'''Fry''': What the hell are you talking about?


Fry: What the hell are you talking about?
:''[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tattoo of Bender smoking a cigar]''


[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tatoo of Bender smoking a cigar]  
:''[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]  


[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]
'''Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]''': Faster, faster!


Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]: Faster, faster!
'''Farnsworth''': I'm sciencing as fast as I can.


Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.
:''[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]''


[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]
'''Bender''': What do you say, folks? Hot or not?


Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?
:''[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]''


Nudar: I'm not seeing any information. Do more things!
'''Nudar''': You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.  


[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]
'''Bender''': Who the hell is he?


Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.
'''Scruffy''': I'm Scruffy, the janitor.  


Bender: Who the hell is he?
'''Bender''': Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.


Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
:''[Pull back to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]''


Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.
"[[God]]": Huh?


[Pullback to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]  
:''[A green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender]''


"God": Huh?
'''Fleb''': A time sphere.


[A green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender]
'''Nudar''': Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!


Flebb: A time sphere.
'''Leela''': What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?


Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!
'''Fry''': It was bound to be somewhere.  


Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?
'''Schlump''': Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.


Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.
'''Nudar''': And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!


Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.
:''[The scammers and Bender laugh evilly.]''


Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!
:''[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]''


[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]
'''[[Nibbler]]''': Stop, you fools!


Nibbler: Stop, you fools!
:''[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]''


[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]
'''Amy''': What's going on?


Amy: What's going on?
'''Farnsworth''': What is happening?  


Farnsworth: What is happening?
'''Leela''': Nibbler, you... You can talk?  


Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?
'''Nibbler''': I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.  


Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.
'''Schlump''': The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.  


Amy: Oh, he's so adorable.
'''Nudar''': My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.  


Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.
'''Nibbler''': But even a single use could shatter the universe!


Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.
'''Nudar''': Got it. Two or three times.  


Nibber: But even a single use could shatter the universe!
'''Nibbler''': I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!  


Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.
:''[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]''


Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!
???: Hey! That tickles.  


[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]
'''Nudar''': And the pitch!


???: Hey! That tickles.
:''[Nudar grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]''


Nudar: And the pitch!  
'''Nibblonian''': Mayday, mayday!  


[Nudar grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]
'''Aliens''': Hey! Hey! Hey!


Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!
'''Nibblonian''': Scamper!  


Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!
:''[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown" with it, then hits a wall and explodes]''


Nibblonian: Scamper!
'''Zoidberg''': Aawww...


[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown with it", then hits a wall and explodes]
'''Nibbler''': Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!


Zoidberg: Aawww...
'''Fry''': Can I pull up my pants now?


Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!
'''Nibbler''': Dooooooomed!


Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?
:''TO BE CONTINUED...''


Nibbler: Dooooooomed!
:''[Closing Credits.]''


{{navigation bottom/transcript
{{navigation bottom/transcript
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
|next film=The Beast with a Billion Backs
|next film =The Beast with a Billion Backs
}}
}}

Latest revision as of 18:30, 8 March 2012

Transcript for
Bender's Big Score Part 1
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed byRed_Line, Neosmith92 and Quolnok


[Opening Credits. Caption: It just won't stay dead!]
[An owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]

Hermes (VO): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!

[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]

Leela: Here!

Hermes (VO): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!

[Nibbler spits out Fry]

Fry: Here!

Hermes (VO): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!

Bender: Here! [Falls on Fry and Leela from above] Cerveza, por favor.

[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]

Hermes (VO): Long-term intern, Amy Wong.

Amy [While combing her long hair]: Here!

[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]

Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.

[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]

Zoidberg: Huh? I thought it was mine!

Hermes (VO): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad

Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!

[Hermes steps out of the way]

Farnsworth: You're all fired.

Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!

Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.

[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]

Farnsworth (VO): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license.

[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]

Fry: We were canceled?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.

[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]

Farnsworth: Yes? I see.

[Farnsworth hangs up]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who cancelled us were themselves fired for incompetence.

Staff: Woohoo!

Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.

Staff: Woo!

Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.

Staff: Woo? [Bender laughs]

Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.

Fry: Why?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.

[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder" in his trousers]

Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.

[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]

Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?

Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!

[The staff look at him blankly]

Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!

Staff: Woooohoooo!

Bender: We're back, baby!

[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]

All: Party! Go, go, go!

Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!

Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?

Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.

All: Hooray.

Fry: Way to bend it!

Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!

Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.

Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.

Staff: Ooooohh...

[Hermes rips off his shirt]

Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabres.

[Fry and Leela fetch down one of the sabres hanging above a fireplace]

Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.

[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican version of the "Sabre Dance" as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]

Hermes: Lower.

[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly]

Bender: The fat guy wins!

Fry: Go, Hermes!

Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.

[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck.]

Scruffy: Oh, no.

[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.]
[Scene: Head museum]

Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?

Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.

[Hermes' head is sitting on a pedestal]

Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty.

Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.

Zoidberg: Tell me about it.

Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!

Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!

[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]

Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.

Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?

Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.

Leela: Oh. Do I know you?

Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.

Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.

Lars: Nice to be met.

Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!

Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!

[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]

Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.

Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.

Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?

Leela: No. Stop being so immature.

Fry: I'll show her who's immature.

Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.

De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and...

[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]

Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.

Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!

[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]

LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!

Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all--

LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.

Hermes: He has a daddy!

LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?

Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.

LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.

Hermes: LaBarbara, no!

Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.

Staff: Woohoo!

Bender: So long, jerk.

[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an oval.]

Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval zooms back into a corner and is replaced by a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.] ... Torgo's Executive Powder. [cut to cutouts of human heads and shoulders going into a grinder, producing pink powder] Only Torgo's packs the power of five highly paid television executives into every can for maxim odour absorption.

[Scene: a woman shakes some Torgo's Executive Powder into a toilet, then flushes]

Torgo's Jingle Singer: [singing] When your toilet smells like faeces,
from some disgusting species;
make it take a powder,
with Torgo's!

[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]

Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.

Fry: That's not the wheel.

[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]

Leela: It's nice out.

[The crew starts stripping down]

Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?

Zoidberg: Watch and learn.

[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
[Fry gags]
:[Scene: Nude beach crowded with all manner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]

Bender: You know, it's funny.

Fry: What?

Bender: Your weiner!

Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?

Amy: I'm in!

Leela: I'm in.

Bender: Yeah, I'll go.

Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.

[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]

Fry: Here's your package, sir.

Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?

Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.

Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?

Fry: Well, that's not a...

[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]

Fry: And initial here. [screams again OC]

Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.

Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.

Fry: Me neither.

Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.

Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.

[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]
:[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]

Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.

Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?

Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.

Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.

Bender: Really? Down with those guys!

Fleb: And we'll need your e-mail address.

Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.

Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.

Bender: Them again?

[Bender signs "[email protected]" under "[email protected]" and "[email protected]"]
[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]

Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.

Schlump:: Animals?

[Leela signs the petition]

Schlump:: And your e-mail address.

Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?

Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.

:[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]

Leela's Wrist Thingy: You've got spam.

Leela: Spam, spam, junk.

Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.

Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.

Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.

Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number.

[Amy takes out a wad of cash]

Amy: Is cash okay?

[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash]
[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]

Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe.

[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]

Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.

[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]

Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.

[A virus downloads itself into Bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]
[Zoidberg scuttles in]

Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.

Amy: When will those antidepressants get here?

Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.

[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]

Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?

Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.

[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]

Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all. Hermes: I am here!

Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!

:[Scene: conference table.]

Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phoney Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phoney. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phoney. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?

Leela: No, it's a scam!

Farnsworth: My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.

Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!

Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.

Amy: No, don't!

Leela: It's a scam!

Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?

Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!

[Door bell rings]

Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?

Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.

[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]

Farnsworth: Hwhaa?

Bender: Welcome, boss.

Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.

Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. [Bender gets a red carpet out of his cavity and imitates a trumpet fanfare] Presenting our new masters!

:[Scene: Planet Express hangar, it looks like an office now]

Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?

Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!

Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.

Amy: Yeah!

Fry: Yeah!

Leela: Hi-yah!

[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]
[Bender chuckles]

Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver.

[Fleb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]

Fleb: Ship them out, Your Highness.

Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.

[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]

Amy: I feel a little better.

[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]

Bender: Those marvellous scammers sure scammed us, huh?

Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?

Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.

[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]

Lars: Greetings, earthlings.

Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.

Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.

Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?

Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: It's a fake place.

Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?

Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.

Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.

Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.

[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]

Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.

Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.

Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.

Amy: No, Leela will show him out.

Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.

[Scene: Planet Express door]

Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?

Leela: Nope.

Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.

Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"

Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.

[Both chuckle]

Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00?

Leela: Okay.

[Back at the lounge...]

Fry: It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?

Amy: Yes.

Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.

Leela: Lars asked me out!

[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]
[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]

Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?

Fleb: Sprunjing for information.

[Nudar sprunjes a wall]

Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!

Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!

[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]

Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?

Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?

Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?

Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.

Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.

[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]

Bender: Hey, look, a safe!

Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.

Nudar: No callsies! Open it!

[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]

Fleb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!

[The nudists start moaning]
[Fry and Leela enter]

Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?

Leela: Well, for one thing, his chequebook doesn't have the Hulk on it.

[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]

Nudar: Who are you?

Fry: Philip J. Fry.

Fleb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?

Fry: That's right.

Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.

[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]

Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.

Nudar: It's in his pants!

Fry: What the hell are you talking about?

[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tattoo of Bender smoking a cigar]
[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]

Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]: Faster, faster!

Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.

[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]

Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?

[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]

Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.

Bender: Who the hell is he?

Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.

[Pull back to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]

"God": Huh?

[A green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender]

Fleb: A time sphere.

Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!

Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?

Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.

Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.

Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!

[The scammers and Bender laugh evilly.]
[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]

Nibbler: Stop, you fools!

[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]

Amy: What's going on?

Farnsworth: What is happening?

Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?

Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.

Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.

Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.

Nibbler: But even a single use could shatter the universe!

Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.

Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!

[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]

???: Hey! That tickles.

Nudar: And the pitch!

[Nudar grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]

Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!

Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Nibblonian: Scamper!

[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown" with it, then hits a wall and explodes]

Zoidberg: Aawww...

Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!

Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?

Nibbler: Dooooooomed!

TO BE CONTINUED...
[Closing Credits.]