Transcript:Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 2
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|Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 2|
|Written by||Ken Keeler|
- [Start of opening credits. Caption: If you can read this, thank us!]
- [Scene: Planet Express hangar]
- [Scene: Alley, near a dumpster]
Hutch: You need one of these doodangs. [He taps on his foil hat.]
Fry (Over chatter): A foil hat? [Hutch puts his foil hat on Fry's head and the voices quiet.]
Hutch: Truth is, you're a mind reader.
Fry: Oh, my God!
- [Scene: A close up of Amy at a restaurant table]
Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife? [Bender and Fanny are seen making out]
- [Scene: A desert on Mars at night. Bender and Fanny are standing in holes. They are illuminated by the Donbot's car headlights.]
Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave.
- [The mafia trio then shoot Fanny and Bender for a while with machine guns.]
- [End of opening credits. Billboard lists creators and is crashed into]
- [Scene: The Planet Express ship lands in the desert.]
Fry (Sobbing): Poor Bender left me one last voicemail before the Robot Mafia buried him in the desert.
Bender (On cell phone): Fry, old friend, before I die, I just wanted to say... [Beep.] Hang on, I'm getting another call. Hello? [The gun fire commences and Bender screams.]
Hermes: Line up, people! Everyone take a shovel and one sixth of the planet. We'll meet back here in 50 years, our bodies broken and our lives wasted.
Zoidberg: And you say these are free shovels?
- [There is a rumbling and a hole begins to form in the sand near them. As the dust settles Bender walks out of the hole with Fanny.]
Bender: I'm back, baby.
Fry: Bender! I thought the Robot Mafia killed you.
Bender: Nah, they just shot us and buried us a few times as a warning.
Fanny: Bender was so brave. He never stopped making out with me the whole time they were shooting us.
Bender: I sure didn't.
- [Joey Mousepad pulls up with his car in the background.]
Fanny: I gotta get back to my husband, baby. Will I see you tonight?
Bender: Probably not.
- [Scene: Mr. Wong is playing mini golf at his country club.]
Mr. Wong: It's a 14-footer with a clown hazard. What club you recommend, Baggy?
Baggy: As on every hole, I suggest the putter.
Fry: Your golf club sure is classy, Mr. Wong. Naked statue classy.
- [Mr. Wong putts and ends up far from the hole and curses in Mandarin.]
Leela: It is very nice. I just wish Amy and I didn't have to wear these sexist badges on our melons. [They stand up and show their badges that say "WOMAN."]
Amy: We're lucky even to play as guests, Leela. Dad's club has a very strict "No girls allowed" policy.
- [Mr. Wong putts again and misses, then curses wildly again.]
Leela: That doesn't seem fair.
Amy: It really is. Everybody knows women don't have the focus to play miniature golf at a professional level.
- [Amy makes her putt right through the clown's legs and lands it right next to the hole.]
Leela: But that's the best shot of the day!
Mr. Wong: Is that my ball? I think that my ball.
- [He claims Amy's ball as his own, but still misses his small putt and curses in Mandarin again.]
Amy: Pfft, great putt, Dad.
Mr. Wong: Okay, we're done.
- [The sprinklers turn on.]
Leela: Mr. Wong, how do you keep this place so green in the middle of the desert? Doesn't that waste a lot of water?
Mr. Wong: Nah, we got plenty water, pumped directly from flamingo lake. [The flamingos sitting in the lake are sucked into the drain with all of the water.] They'll be fine. [Pink feathers are expelled from the sprinklers.]
- [Scene: The four are travelling in a golf cart.]
Mr. Wong: Oh, yeah, I love miniature golf. Love everything about it, except how damn miniature it is. That's why I'm building the universe's biggest miniature golf course.
- [A crane picks up a ball the size of the golf car and drops it into a large cannon.]
Mr. Wong: This the first tee.
Fry: Where's the hole?
Mr. Wong: On Pluto's moon, Hydra. It's a six-billion-mile par-two. Tough shot, even for a man. [Leela groans. Mr. Wong adjusts the cannon with a dial near the tee. He strikes the button that fires the ball and everybody rushes over to a row of binoculars.] (Leo VO): Around the sun. Bank off Jupiter. And right into the... [The ball lands short of the hole and Mr. Wong curses in Mandarin.] I'll be right back. [He gets in a golf cart that has a dome over it and flies to Hydra. Fry, Leela and Amy watch from the binoculars. Mr. Wong smacks the giant ball his his putter, but it stops on the edge of the hole. He growls and curses in Mandarin. He bounces over to the ball and smacks his with his putter again, then kicks it.] It dropped in! Put me down for a two.
Amy: Two. [She writes down 8.]
Mr. Wong: Keep in mind, that just the first hole. For full course, we gonna bulldoze this entire arm of the Milky Way.
Leela: What? You're gonna wipe out 10% of the galaxy for a stupid golf course?
Mr. Wong: First of all, it 12% . Second, yes, you betcha.
Leela: But you have no idea what life forms might be evolving out there.
Mr. Wong: That's exactly why I'm hiring an impartial scientist to perform an environmental survey. That's him in the money shower.
- [Farnsworth is in the money shower, giggling.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express Ship is flying through a field of asteroids. A light from the turret on the ship scans the space boulders for life.]
Fry (VO): Delivery boy's log. Having fallen asleep on what I thought was the toilet, I awoke to find the environmental survey in progress.
Farnsworth: Status reports, Science Officer.
Bender: Zilcho. No sign of life or intelligence. [He laughs.] (Telepathically): Just like Fry on a date.
Fry: [He laughs.] Hey!
Leela: Okay, so we haven't found any life yet. I still don't see why you men can't be happy with regular-sized miniature golf.
Farnsworth: Leela, evolution has programmed our fabulous male brains to take anything anybody else thinks is important and make it bigger. [He takes a slurp of a "128oz. Big Burp."] Have you seen my new 301-inch TV?
- [He presses a button on a remote and a large TV descends at the front of the ship.]
Announcer: Hypnotoad is brought to you by the MagnaPhallix 302-inch TV. It's bigger!
Farnsworth: Oh, hell! [He throws his beverage at the TV and it falls apart.]
Bender: [An alarm sounds.] Captain, I'm detecting life on the Spock-o-scope!
- [Leela gasps. The ship hovers over the planet. Cut to a fish-like creature waddles onto land. It uses its fins as feet and walks around. Pan up to flowers blooming and flying insects pollinating them.]
Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution.
Fry: Except in Kansas.
Bender: But isn't Mr. Wong building the 18th hole here? And the golf pants museum?
Farnsworth: Indeed so. This whole area will be incinerated when he implodes that sun there into a black hole.
Leela: That beautiful violet star?
Farnsworth: It's so you can't keep your ball at the end of the game.
Fry: Yo, that's messed up.
Leela: There won't be any imploding once they read our environmental review. Right, Professor?
Farnsworth: Ohh, twaddle-squat. There's no scientific consensus that life is important.
Bender: Yeah. Life, schmife.
Clip Board: [Farnsworth checks an option.] Approved for demolition.
Leela: It's you and me, ponytail. [He cracks her pony tail like a whip.]
- [Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Nixon's head pulls up in a limo.]
Guard: We're here, Mr. President.
Richard Nixon's head: Arroo! Let's play some mini-golf.
- [The headless body of Agnew, Nixon and Mr. Wong are playing mini-golf. Agnew is putting.]
Nixon: Just give it a light tap, Agnew. [Agnew pulls his club up high.] No, no, no, just a light...
- [Agnew grunts and sends the ball hurtling away from the tee. Cut to Zoidberg on a diving board high above a pool.]
Zoidberg: Now for a triple clam dip, with a double - [The ball smashes into his head and knocks him on his back.] OW! [He falls off the diving board and lands on the concrete surrounding the pool.] OW!
Nixon: Tough luck, Agnew. Looks like you and Wong owe me a Charleston Chew. [He laughs.]
- [The Feministas blast through a hedge and
Feministas: Shut up and hear our wisdom. Save the ecosystem. Shut up and hear our wisdom!
Nixon: What gives, Wong? You said no chicks allowed.
- [Agnew growls.]
Frida: We are the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you...What was it again?
Leela: We will not let you implode the violet dwarf star at galactic coordinates 167.84, -58.03, mark 948.
Mr. Wong: Already approved, you cackling hens. So get out, or I'll have vice-president Agnew's headless body throw you out.
Leela: I'd like to see him try.
Nixon: Me, too. Should look funny. Sic 'em, Agnew.
- [Agnew breaks his club in half and wanders toward the women. Leela bumps into a parked golf cart and causes it to roll down a hill, toward Agnew.]
Nixon: Runaway golf cart!
Leela: Look out, Agnew!
- [Agnew tries to dodge the cart, but it follows his movements and runs him over.]
Mr. Wong: Aah!
Leela: Is... is he okay?
Mr. Wong: No pulse.
Nixon: They killed the headless remains of Agnew. Arrest them!
Frida: All Feministas she-vacuate the premises. I mean "femises."
- [The Feministas run away and the presidential guards chase after them. One drives the limo over Agnew's body.]
- [Scene: Planet Express Lounge. Nixon is on TV.]
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, these eco-crooks will face the maximum sentence. For killing a headless torso, that's six weeks.
Bender: Well, this is embarrassing. Here I've been blabbing on for years about killing all humans, and who actually does something about it? Some chick.
Fry: Leela's not a killer, and she's not some chick. She's the chick I love. And don't tell her I called her a chick, or she'll kill me.
- [Scene: A hover-copter flows over the city with search lights. The Feministas are hiding in a building with the sign "Eco-Feminist Reading Room" in the window. When the spotlight passes over it, a Feminista switches it to "Something even less popular."]
Frida (through her megaphone): Everyone stay absolutely quiet!
Feminista: That thing's on. Shh!
Feminista: Turn it off!
Frida (through megaphone): Oh, sorry.
Frida: How do you turn it off?
Frida (through megaphone): There. Did that do it?
OTHERS: No. Stop it. Shut up.
Frida: Here's the button here. [An alarm starts wailing from the megaphone.] (Through megaphone): And I think I... Now I got it.
- [The megaphone squeals with feedback.]
Leela: Let me give you a hand.
- [She pushes a button and it turns off. Frida "shushes" her.]
Frida: This is awful. I never meant for our protest to have any effect.
Trixie: Maybe we should just surrender and serve our six weeks in jail.
Dixie: Hey, yeah! We could do each other's toenails and make shivs.
Leela: That's crazy. We've done nothing wrong, other than killing and dismembering the vice-president. We need to make a choice, sisters. We can either keep pestering criminals like Leo Wong with silly slogans...
ALL: Yeah. Let's do that.
Leela: Actually, I meant that to be the less preferable alternative. We can either chant slogans or we can take action.
Dixie: What was the first choice again?
Leela: I choose to save the environment by sabotaging Leo Wong's golf course. Who's with me?
Frida: Could we still use our bullhorns?
Leela: Absolutely. Bullhorns are a core principle of eco-feminism.
Frida: Then I'm in.
- [They all cheer, then Frida shushes them through her megaphone.]
- [Scene: The Feminista's vehicle (A VW Camper) is travelling through space.]
Leela: Who's ready to kick some sweaty man-butt?
- [They cheer.]
Dixie: I've got my pointy man-kicking shoes on.
Trixie: Those are cute.
Dixie: Aren't they? I got them at Nine West.
Leela: Simmer down, warriors. Full power to the vagyroscope!
- [Cut to a street sweeper-like vehicle cleaning up the rings around a planet.]
Mr. Wong: Those dirty rings. I tried soaking them out, even blasting them out.
- [The Camper stops near the cleaning vehicle. Leela and Frida emerge and pour sugar in the fuel filler.]
Frida: Are you sure about this? It would be better for propaganda if we weren't using refined sugar.
Leela: It's okay. The potato we're shoving in the tailpipe is organic.
- [She clogs the tail pipe and fly away. The cleaner breaks down.]
Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage. [He sniffs.] Ooh, and potatoes.
- [The girls cheer as they fly away from the planet.]
Leela: Now, unfortunately, the media is going to put a negative spin on this, like when we killed that guy, so to win public support, we'll need a lovable mascot.
- [Scene: Zoidberg is in a room alone with the muck leech. It is in a glass terrarium in the lounge at Planet Express.]
Zoidberg: :[He picks it up and laughs.] Squirm all you want, you nasty dumpling. One less species for the universe, one more breakfast for...
Zoidberg: Leela. Me saving things the leech. Not the eating of it.
Leela: Zoidberg, I'm very surprised at you, slightly.
- [Leela lets the leech clamp onto her arm and Zoidberg stares, then slurps at it. Cut to Leela leaving Planet Express.]
Fry: Psst! Leela.
Leela: Shh! I'm a fugitive.
Fry: I know. I miss you so much, Leela, even more than when you were here.
Leela: I miss you, too, Fry. And you probably think what I'm doing is wrong. But it's something I really care about...
Fry: You don't have to explain, Leela. You're you. That's all I need to know.
Leela: Goodbye, sweet goofbag.
- [She walks over to the Camper, knocks twice and gets pulled in. They fly away. Zoom out of just Fry standing on the sidewalk to show Zoidberg and Bender are there as well.]
Bender: :[He sighs.] I'll miss her, too, buddy. Dibs on her iPod.
Zoidberg: Dibs on her- ohh...
- [Scene: Fry is walking through the streets of New New York. He comes upon Hutch drinking a bottle of wine in an alley.]
Hutch: Hey, Fry! Long time, man.
Fry: Hey, Hutch! What have you been up to?
Hutch: Same old, same old. Searching the dumpsters, protecting my thoughts with tin foil, peeing myself.
Fry: So, what brings you to Earth?
Hutch: It's top secret. Hey, take off your helmet and I'll think it to you.
Fry: Okay. Here goes.
- [Fry removes his hat and is bottled by Hutch. Hutch walks over to a dumpster, knocks twice and it mechanically opens. There is a bright light emitted from it. He throws Fry's limp body in and follows. The lid closes as he gets in. Cut to Fry waking up on a mattress.]
Fry: Where are you? And me?
Hutch: The Great Hall of the Ancient Legion of Madfellows. Welcome, bro.
ALL: Welcome, bro.
Hutch: Sorry I bashed your head in, buddy, but I had to. You see, the fate of the universe depends on you.
Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hutch: The Grand Curator will tell you more.
Fry: Take me to him.
- [He is the man behind Hutch.]
Nine: Hey, man.
Nine: So dig this, Fry. Our commune has been monitoring the universe's life energy for, like, a really long time, and we're grokking some super weird junk.
Fry: Um, I don't mean to be rude, but it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you say junk like "grok" and "junk."
Nine : What about "commune"?
Fry: Especially "commune." Come on, it's the fate of the universe, puff it up a little. Like you could say your ancient order is sensing deep upheaval in the cosmic life energy field.
- [Everybody murmurs.]
Nine: Okay. I'll try. So, like, a really, really long time ago... [Fry motions "longer" with his hands.] Eons ago! [Fry gives a thumbs up and he giggles.] Cool. Eons ago, the life force we call Chee permeated the universe. [He presses a button and a hologram is shown in the room.] The Green Chee generated a great upwelling of life across the cosmos. But then, for reasons unknown...
Fry: Ooh. "Reasons unknown." Now that's the sort of hook that grabs the attention of me, the viewer.
Nine: For reasons unknown...
Nine: ...the Chee began to recede, and the diversity of life began to wither. The life forms we know today are but a fraction of a fraction of the magnificence that once existed.
Hutch: But a bunch of dudes, right, they totally passed this far-out knowledge down through the ages.
- [The holograms shows previous Madfellows proclaiming the word with their tin foil hats on.]
Nine (VO): Some with this knowledge were called prophets, some, fruitcakes. We, the Legion of Madfellows, are their heirs.
- [The current Legion of Madfellows is shown in the hologram.]
Fry: Hey, I'm on TV. [He waves.]
Nine: Well, that's the show. [He turns off the hologram.]
Fry: Neat. What's it got to do with me?
Nine: Ahh, pooperdoodle! I mean, pardon the omission. You see, after untold eternities, we have sensed a resurgence in the Chee.
Fry: Hey, that's the violet dwarf star that Leela wants to save.
Hutch: Freaking nailed it, corndog.
Nine: We believe this star heralds a new green age, and it's your destiny to be its shepherd and protector.
Fry: Me? Why?
Hutch: 'Cause you got, like, no delta brainwave, man. The Dark Ones can't groove off your thoughts.
Nine: Silence, Hutch! For now, let's just say we have enemies, enemies who can read minds, except yours. [He points with his foot.]
Fry: Cool. I can't wait to tell Leela.
Nine: No! If you tell anyone, then their thoughts could be read. For the sake of those you love, you must keep this secret. Do you foot-swear?
Fry: Oh, okay. I foot-swear.
- [They perform a "foot shake" agreeing to the terms.]
Nine: Good. Now, to save the coming of the green age, you must stop this man.
- [Mr. Wong is shown on the hologram.]
Fry: I know him. Leo Wong. I work with his daughter.
Nine: Oh, good, that will cut about 15 minutes of explanation. You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf.
- [Fry salutes Nine with his foot. The act is reciprocated.]
- [Scene: Fry is in Mr. Wong's office at the Wongminister Miniature Golf Club.]
Mr. Wong: Looking for a job, eh?
Fry: Yes, sir. Nothing fancy. I'm willing to start at the bottom and infiltrate my way up.
'Mr. Wong: Sorry, no openings right now. (Telepathically): What I need is security guard to keep nutcases out of my office.
Fry: I'm good at keeping nutcases.
Mr. Wong: I said no way. (Telepathically): This idiot don't look like he could handle those feministas.
Fry: I look like an idiot who can handle those feministas.
Mr Wong (Telepathically): He'll have to do better than that.
Fry: I'll have to do better than that.
Mr. Wong: Hmm. You and I think a lot alike. You really think you can stand up to those eco-freakos?
Fry: Sir, with me around, they'll be the least of your worries.
- [Scene: The 18th hole of Mr. Wong's course. It's a mess of tubes leading to the green from a giant plastic gorilla head.]
Tester: Stand by, men. And manly aliens. Prepare to test fire King Kong hole.
- [The manly alien launches the ball at the gorilla. It goes into his mouth and comes out on the green, rolling into the hole for an ace.]
Sal: It workses.
Tester: Good job, men. And manly aliens. Construction of King Kong hole complete.
- [The Feministas' camper is approaching in the background.]
Frida: Typical. Always King Kong, never Queen... Quong.
- [A few Feministas leap from the Camper onto the green and plant hooks in the turf and the bumper of their vehicle.]
Sal: What are those, hooks? Get out of heres, you hookers.
- [The Camper blats off from the green, pulling the turf with it and sending the asteroid, which the green was placed on, spinning out of control and smashing into the tubes.]
Sal: [He's flying through space.] Helpses!
- [The Feministas cheer as they spray the gorilla head with make-up.]
Leela: You go, gorilla !
- [Scene: A news broadcast. The vandalized gorilla is used as an image on the story.]
Morbo: Our top story. The string of eco-vandalism that began with a harmless vice-presidential killing has spread across the galaxy.
Linda: Why do you always get to read the top story, Morbo?
Morbo: Because viewers trust a deep male voice and huge, throbbing forehead veins. [They pulse in unison a few times.]
Linda: Not all reaction to the crime spree has been negative. We spoke with several people who viewed these courageous eco-feminists as heroes.
Petunia: I just wish there was some way to... Excuse me. [She coughs roughly.] Some way to show I support 'em. Send them some smokes or something.
Linda: This just in: Root 2 News has received a video communique from the eco-feminists' unknown hideout.
Leela: This is sub-commander L., with a message for Leo Wong. Leo, you're a parasite on the universe, and parasites must be destroyed. That's why we've adopted this parasite as our mascot. [The leech snarls against the glass of its case.] I know it's a little confusing. The point is, even this vicious leech has a right to exist. And that's why a vicious leech like Leo Wong must be exterminated. [The Feministas in the background cheer.] Again, confusing. Feministas unite! [They pound their breasts twice and throw their fists into the air while reciting that last bit.]
Morbo: In other news- [Linda throws her high heel at his head and it becomes lodged in his head.]
Linda: Feministas unite!
- [Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Mr. Wong is in his office with Nixon.]
Linda (on the TV): Feministas unite! [The image is paused.]
Nixon: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. You're telling me this TiVo machine can pause and rewind live TV?
Mr. Wong: These crazy broads gonna ruin me, Nixon. You gotta help me. Send the army or something. Something big that shoots.
Nixon: Sir, I don't care if you are my biggest contributor. Our armed forces do not serve your private business interests.
Mr. Wong: Sorry, I...
Nixon: [He laughs hysterically.] I'm just yanking your chain, Leo. I'm on it like boring on Gerry Ford.
- [Scene: The White House Oval Office. Nixon and Mr. Wong are present.]
Zapp Brannigan: Zapp Brannigan purporting for duty. For the love of God, Kif, less piccolo, more fife.
- [Kiff is playing many instruments as a one-man band. He sighs at Zapp's demand.]
Nixon: Report, Brannigan.
Zapp: Mr. President, I failed to identify these curvaceous banditas despite hours of staring at their dossiers. [There is a picture of Leela from behind on the cover of the file folder.] Yet, I seemed to have stroked myself upon good luck, for a patriot of the highest order has volunteered to lead us to them.
- [Kif performs a drum roll and Bender walks into the room.]
- [Kif blows into the trumpet, producing a flag that reads TO BE CONTINUED...]
- [Closing Credits.]
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