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|Written by||Eric Horsted|
|Transcribed by||Teyrn of Highever|
- [Opening Credits: Made you look!]
- [Scene: Sith-il War Memorial. The crew are walking through the trees. They are dressed as Union soldiers.]
Farnsworth: [Groans] I fear I may not survive this war reenactment. I can't believe we’re only twelve feet from the parking lot.
Leela: Not the Civil War private. We’re reinacting the Sith-il War. [She points to a plaque that says “Sith Invasion of 2865 Historic Site]
Bender: Enemy invaders! Up in yonder sky!
- [A ship that looks like a TIE Bomber is landing in front of the crew. It is really a regular spaceship with cardboard attached to the front. The ship lands and nerds walk in front of the crew. They are all holding toy lightsabers]
Darth Stroyer: I am Darth Stroyer.
Fry: Darth Stroyer? That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.
Leela: Let’s hear the rest.
Darth Trocious: Darth Trocious.
Darth Sploder: Darth Sploder.
Darth Urderer: Darth Urderer.
Darth Ithead: Darth Ithead. [His lightsaber malfunctions and he has to turn it back on]
Leela: Company! Attack!
- [The crew and the nerds let out battle cries and attack each other. Hermes comes up with a desk on wheels]
Hermes: Don’t fire until you see the greens of their eyes! It saves on bullets.
- [Everyone is attacking members of the other side. Fry and Darth Trocious are fighting each other but have to stop for Hattie and her dog. Scruffy is fighting Darth Stroyer. He loses his lightsaber.]
Darth Stroyer: I shall rip out your heart and show it to you! [touches Scruffy with a lightsaber] It is done.
Scruffy: The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. [He lays on the ground and acts dead.] Mhrm.
- [The Professor is walking until he is stopped by Darth Sploder holding him at saber point. The Professor screams.]
Darth Sploder: You're dead!
Farnsworth: No, I'm just very old. [He makes choking noises and falls down]
Darth Sploder: [He taps the Professor with his foot and gets no response.] Woah! That's good acting!
Fry: It's payback time, Sploder! [Fry's gun fires a beam that tags Sploder then falls flat. Fry presses a button on his gun and the beam retracts.]
Darth Sploder: Tell my mother... to pick me up outside Quiznos.
Hermes: [Wheeling his desk up] That's three dead. Uh-oh. Let's pick up the pace, people. At this point in the actual war, the death toll was ninety-eight million. [He gestures towards a large set of graves nearby]
Bender: [Chuckles] You humans and your fragile organs. One little stab to the goo and [He blows a raspberry]
Darth Trocious: [He lands on Bender and tags with his lightsaber.] You're dead, Earth man!
Bender: [Dramatically] Oh, cruel fate, I'm dead. They're putting me in my Sunday suit and shoving me in a wooden box. [He falls to the ground] Now they're loading me into cold, cold ground. Hello! Here come the worms! [He starts laughing]
Fry: If you were really dead, you wouldn't be laughing so hard.
Bender: Yeah, yeah. Death's a big deal to you flesh bags. But in case you didn't notice, I'm a robot.
Fry: So? What if something heavy fell on you, like a church? You could still die.
Bender: Nuh-uh! My wireless back-up unit saves a copy of me every day. So, if my body gets killed, big whoop, I just download into another body. I'm immortal, baby!
Amy: What? Then how come you always scream so much when you're in danger?
Bender: I never said I wasn't a drama queen.
- [The crew and the nerds are in a clearing, facing each other.]
Hermes: And the winner of the war is... let me just cross check my tabulation here. Factor in the corsages for the widows.
Bender: Hurry up, you number-crunching crumb-nuncher! Everybody but me is dying of old age!
Hermes: Okay. The winners, at a net cost of only $12 per life cut tragically short, our Sith Overlords.
Darth Sploder: Hot diggity! I mean... [Breathes like Darth Vader in his best basso profundo voice.] Supreme diggity.
- [The crew and the nerds line up, high-fiving each other saying "Good War"]
- [Scene: Planet Express Meeting Room. Everyone is groaning loudly.]
Fry: It may have been a fake war, but my scuffed knee is all too real.
Farnsworth: I have pain in joints I had removed a century ago. Bender, bring me my soft chair with the wheels on it.
Bender: Your wheelchair?
Farnsworth: I don't need a wheelchair! The one with the wheels!
Bender: Poor flimsy humans. Don't you wish you were flawless like me? A towering inferno of physical perfection?
Leela: I hate to pop your blimp-like ego, but you're not perfect.
Bender: Am so!
Leela: Are not!
Bender: Is too!
Leela: Says who?
Bender: Says the only human whose opinion I even remotely respect. [He takes a scrap of paper out of his chest cabinet and kisses it] Inspector 5, the best inspector a kid could want. The day I was built, he looked me over, probably with tears of pride in his eyes, and proclaimed to all the world, by means of this scrap of paper, that I was perfect and infallible in every way!
Farnsworth: Hey, Mr. Perfect? You wet the chair. [He points to the oil stain on the wheelchair]
Bender: Huh? Wasn't me. Must be some of that urine your all so proud of.
Fry: [He tastes some of the puddle with his finger] That's not urine, it's oil.
Bender: Impossible! I'm triple sealed to prevent any chance of ... [He looks behind him and shrieks. He is leaking oil.]
Zoidberg: You call that an ink defense? [His coat tears off and he sprays ink everywhere and scuttles off] Goodbye, friends!
- [Scene: Planet Express Workshop. Bender is on a worktable while the Professor is operating on him. The rest of the crew is watching]
Bender: What could have caused the leak? Excessive heat, on the count that I'm so hot?
Farnsworth: Alas, no. Oh, Bender, I'm afraid it's a symptom of a fatal defect.
Bender: Yeah, fatal schmatal. If I die I can just download my backup copy into a new, equally fabulous, body.
Farnsworth: That's just it! You can't. You were built without a backup unit.
Bender: [He sits up, shocked] There's no backup copy of me?
Farnsworth: That's what I just said, you mortal coil.
Bender: So, if I die...
Farnsworth: You die. Or as you put it [He blows a raspberry]
Bender: [Nervous] Um, excuse me for a moment. [He unscrews his head and puts it into his chest cabinet] [muffled] No!
- [Scene: Planet Express Waterfront. Two people fly past on jetpacks.]
- [Scene: Planet Express Meeting Room. Bender is pacing around. The rest of the crew is watching him.]
Bender: I can't believe it! I'm gonna die.
Fry: How much time does he have left, Professor?
Farnsworth: Between a minute and a billion years.
Fry: [He puts his hand on Bender's shoulder] Well, at least you can plan accordingly.
Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy: General sluttiness.
Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.
Bender: Damn it, I'm supposed to be perfect. Inspector 5 gave me his blessing! [He pulls out his scrap of paper and looks at it] How could he bring me into this world knowing I gonna die?
Zoidberg: So you wish you were never born, maybe?
Bender: Yes, anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!
Zoidberg: Then suicide it is. Step into my office. I'll give you a nice Kervorking.
Bender: Not until I hunt down Inspector 5 and beat an explanation out of him!
Leela: I'm all for a good beating, but you'll never find him. Product inspectors are bureaucrats, faceless bean counters who blend into the woodwork.
Hermes: [While his shirt blends into the wall] I beg to differ!
Bender: Stinking bureaucrats! I hate 'em.
- [Hermes looks upset]
Leela: Then again, you might be able to find Inspector 5 with the help of another seasoned bureaucrat.
Bender: Hermes, old pal!
Hermes: Old pal? 8.5 seconds ago, you said you hated me.
Bender: Time heals all wounds.
Hermes: You know what? I will help you, but only to prove I'm not just a paper-pushing file-jockey.
Amy: Will you be taking your portable filing cabinet?
Hermes: None of your beeswax!
- [Scene: Hermes' office's door. "H. Conrad. Certified Public Bureaucrat. Caution: Door opens upwards."]
- [Scene: Hermes' office. He is giving Leela a li'l bureaucrat badge.]
Hermes: I'll only be away an hour, but I'm counting on you to do the all-critical filing in my absence. Shall we review alphabetical order. [He starts singing] A, B, C, D...
Leela: [Shoving Hermes outside] Get out of my office!
- [Scene: Outside the Central Bureaucracy: "Over 2 billion waiting to be served". The old man walks up to the booth]
Old man: Yes. I'd like to request a death certificate. [He dies.]
Woman: Sorry. That's Building C.
- [Bender and Hermes walk past the line]
Hermes: The Central Bureaucracy maintains records on all bureaucrats. We should be able to look up Inspector 5.
- [They walk up to an entrance that is marked "Bureaucrats only". There is a man in a booth next to the entrance]
Man: [He scans Hermes' grade 36 badge then stamps three forms three times each.] Application for ingress approved. [He hands over a form] And the other potential entrant?
Hermes: Uh, he's my pencil sharpener.
Bender: You betcha! [He takes the man's pencil and sharpens it in his ass then hands it back]
Man: [While staring at the pencil] Proceed. [He picks up the pencil with tongs and drops it in a fire.]
- [Scene: Central Bureaucracy interior. Hermes and Bender see the Beholder.]
- [Time lapse:] Hermes is directing a gondola down a waterway. Bender is relaxing]
- [They arrive outside Cubicle room 729.]
Hermes: I maintain a cubicle here for weekend getaways.
- [They enter and see a large cube, made up of 729 cubicles. Bureaucrats are working in some of them]
Bender: Wow! Until now, I thought giant cubes were exciting.
- [A machine scans Hermes' badge and lists his cubicle coordinates: -1, +3, -4. The giant cube expands into cubes of 27. The individual groups resort themselves like a Rubik's cube. Bureaucrats are screaming and one man flies off. Then one cube does the same until it has put Hermes' cubicle middle row. It finished sorting and snaps back into one giant cube and resettles.]
Bender: I did like the part where they screamed.
Hermes: [Wheeling an escalator to his cubicle.] This is mine. Right next to the center square.
Center Square Guy: Sorry, Hermes. I drank all your white-out. [He laughs]
Hermes: Once I log in, I can access Inspector 5's profile.
Bender: [He sits in front of the computer and has his eye scanned. A buzzer sounds.] Damn it! It won't go on.
Hermes: That's because you're not me. [He sits in front of the computer and begins working]
Bender: Hooray! It won't go on!
Hermes: The bureaucra-scan won't let anyone but the assigned bureaucrat log in. [He is scanned and his profile appears onscreen.]
Computer: Identity confirmed. Also, you have a rectangular mass in your colon.
Hermes: That's a calculator. I ate it to gain its power.
Bender: You locate Inspector 5 while I slip into my ass-kicking feet. [He pulls a pair of foot-cups with spikes on them out of his chest cabinet and screws them on.]
Hermes: [He gasps] Sweet File-not-found of Puget Sound! His record's been blanked!
Bender: Aw, man! How am I going to find some anonymous guy I don't know anything about?
Center Square Guy: I recommend the men's room of the TWA terminal. [He laughs and a red "X" appears on his desk]
- [Scene: Planet Express, Hermes' office. Leela is reading World's Bravest Hamsters. A sealed container comes down the vacuum chute.
Leela: Okay. Just filing alphabetically. [She unscrews the container] A, B, C, D... [The message is in AL1.] Oh, this requires a little extra thought. [She looks around then hides the message behind a potted plant] I'm a natural.
- [Scene: Central Bureaucracy. Hermes and Bender are walking to the Physical File Archive office.]
Hermes: The information we need will be here, in the physical files.
Bender: [Rolling up his "sleeves"] Those bastards won't know what leafed through them. [Hermes opens the door and they run inside, looking around. There is only one filing cabinet with three drawers] It's on!
Hermes: [He opens the drawer and it knocks Bender down. Hermes looks through the files.] No! This is impossible! Quit blacking out and look at this. Inspectors 1, 2, 3, 4... 6. There's no trace of Inspector 5!
Bender: But 5's the one we want. Maybe if I kicked the asses of Inspector 2 plus Inspector 3...
Hermes: Addition never solve anything, man. Let's cut our losses and go home.
- [Scene: NNY street. Hermes and Bender are walking back to Planet Express.]
Bender: So I'm doomed to die? And I'll never even get to punch whoever's responsible? Oh, what's the point. [He walks into a suicide booth]
Hermes: Bender, no! Suicide isn't necessarily the answer!
Bender: It's not a suicide booth, you lard-ass. It's a phone booth. [He closes the door]
Hermes: They have phones in booths now? Finally, I don't have to lug this cellphone around. [He throws his cellphone into a trash bin]
[Bender puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again. He dials a number.]
Mom: Who the hell is this? How did you get this number?
Bender: Is this the robot company? Cause I have a complaint about a defective robot. His name is me!
Mom: A defective robot, you say? [A monitor shows Bender in the phone booth with Hermes nearby.] Stay right there, dearie. [Cross-hairs appear over the phone booth] I'll have tech support take care of you. [She presses a button]
Bender: [He exits the phone booth.] Well, things are starting to look up.
Hermes: Look up! [They dive out of the way of a missile that explodes nearby.] Who did you call? Dial-a-bomb?
Bender: No, I just told the robot company I was defective.
Hermes: You dumb cocktail shaker! Mom won't allow a defective product to tarnish her good name! She'll kill you.
Bender: Big whoop. I'll just download into a new... Oh, right. If I die, I die. Speaking of which– [Machine guns start shooting at them] You're right. You're right. You're right. [They run away]
Mom: [Watching the Killbots on a monitor] That's what you get for calling tech support.
- [Scene: NNY Street. Hermes and Bender are running from three Killbots. They run behind a corner]
Bender: I can't run anymore. I'll have to skip. [They skip off]
- [Scene: Clearing.]
Hermes: Just a few more feet. We have to get to that pile of dead bears by 7:38.
Bender: A pile of dead bears can only mean one thing. But what?
- [A bear tries to cross the railroad track but is hit by a hovertrain]
Hermes: It's the 7:38! Jump! [They both jump into a train car. The Killbots come up on the track next to it.
Bender: Aw, shoot!
Killbot: Someone said "shoot!" [They shoot and destroy the Killbot in the middle.
- [Hermes and Bender climb to the roof of the train and run towards the front. A tunnel is growing closer. It has the sign "Low Clearance. NO rooftop passengers.]
Bender: Well, we're boned!
Hermes: No, we're not! We just go to limbo!
Bender: But I'm not design to bend that low, not without limbo music. [Bullet hit him creating a rhythm.] That'll do it. Ow! Ow! Ow!
Killbot 1: We're gonna get fired.
Killbot 2: Someone said "fire!" [He shoots Killbot 1, then is killed by the tunnel.]
- [Scene: Desert. The Transcontinental Underground Railroad leaves the tunnel.]
Bender: [His legs have been broken] We did it!
Hermes: Twelve straight hours of limbo. I haven't done that since my honeymoon.
- [Bender discards his broken legs and replaces them with new ones from his chest cabinet.]
Bender: Hermes! Hermes! Remember that flock of bats?
Hermes: I sure do.
Bender: That was fun.
- [The railroad keeps going through the desert.]
Bender: Where are we?
Hermes: I have no idea.
- [The train reaches the end of the line. Hermes and Bender go flying and hit a sign that says, "Welcome to Mexico. Silver medal winner, Mexican-American War". Bender and Hermes slide down and hit the ground.]
Bender: Hey. We're just a stone's throw from Tijuana. [He picks up a stone and throws it over the border fence.] See?
Mexican Man: ¡Dios mío! A rock has fallen here in the outskirts of Tijuana.
Bender: Is it within city limits?
Mexican Man: I think, yes.
Bender: Told you!
Hermes: Hey, you wanna celebrate our escape? Maybe grab a shot of tequila and take in a big-league cockfight?
Bender: Sure. No, wait. I was built in Tijuana. Maybe Inspector 5 still works there. He better do some splaining. Before I mash up some face guacamole.
Bender: [Bender and Hermes walk up to a border checkpoint.] He's Mexican, I'm Mexican. Let me handle this.
Mexican border patrolman: Sus papeles, por favor.
Bender: ¡Sí! [Bender gets hit on the head with a ukulele.] Ouch-o!
Hermes: [He pulls a miniature filing cabinet out of his pocket.] Here are our passports, visas, and Homeland Security permission slips, notarized and starched.
Mexican border patrolman: [He looks them over.] Okay. I also would ¡ave accepted a bribe.
- [Scene: Tijuana street. Bender and Hermes pass a store called "¡Ay! Cantina Turner"]
Bender: Nice work, butterball. You know, I was in Italy last week. [He gasps]
- [Bender and Hermes walk up to Fábrica Robotica de la Madre.]
Bender: My birthplace. It's closed! There's not even a shrine to me. With a gift shop, selling piñatas of me!
Hermes: End of the line, man! Come on, we can still catch a twi-night double cockfight.
Bender: No wait! What's that in the Mexican garbage?
Hermes: Looks like a half-eaten cheese diaper.
Bender: No, next to that. [He pulls out a book and shakes two owls off it] A half-eaten employee directory. [He opens it and gasps] Inspector 5's home address. [387 Avenida Con Pollo] His ass-ias is gracias!
- [A camera extends out of the picture of Mom and focuses on them]
- [Scene: Outside Inspector 5's home. Two tumbleweeds hit each other.]
Bender: [He bursts through the door] Where are you hiding, you coward? Get out here and get murdered like a man!
Hermes: [He closes the door] Bender, I'm afraid our search is at an end. He's obviously long gone.
Bender: Oh yeah? Well, maybe this is him in a costume. [He picks up an iguana and begins squeezing it] I'm gonna squeeze you out of there like Tijuana toothpaste.
- [The iguana bits Bender's eye then climbs inside. Bender falls down. The iguana scuttles around and then climbs out Bender's chest cabinet.]
Hermes: [He helps Bender up] Okay, Bender, you're mortal. And okay, Inspector 5 screwed up. But that just makes the time you have left all the more precious. Do you really want to waste the rest of your life in a bitter, homicidal rage?
Bender: [While punching the wall] No! Yes! I don't know! [He punches the wall a few more times] Why? Why did he do this to me? All I wanted was a little quality control. But he didn't care enough. And now I gonna die. I deserve better! I'm Bender, damn it! I'm Bender! [He starts crying]
Hermes: There, there, mon. It's gonna be okay. You are Bender, which is something Inspector 5 will never be.
Bender: You know what? You're right. He was just a stupid bureaucrat. A stupid paper-pushing bureaucrat. A stupid I-dotting, chair squashing, [Hermes clears his throat] Oh. No offense, Hermes. You're not like that. I mean, you're exactly like that, but you're okay! In fact, I'm putting you on the do-no-kill list. [Hermes smiles] Come on, fellow mortal. We're in Tijuana. I wanna live a little. [An explosion happens outside, blowing a window in.] Help, I'm gonna die! That's the opposite of what I want!
- [Outside Inspector 5's house. Killbots are shooting into the building.]
Hermes: [He goes to the computer] Quick, run out the back! I'll hack into Inspector 5's terminal and fake your death, so they'll call off the Killbots.
Bender: You know that terminal's unhackable! I'm not leaving you, and that's final! [An explosion rips the roof of the house] Good luck, buddy!
- [Outside, Bender is watching the Killbots destroy the house. Inside, Hermes is frantically working.]
Computer: Bender, terminated.
Hermes: Bender saved.
Killbot 2: Cease fire. Mom called off the attack, although I don't see how it's her–
Killbot 3: Someone said "howitzer!" [Killbots 1 and 3 start firing on the middle Killbot, eventually blowing themselves up.]
Bender: Yeah! All right! Yeah! [The house collapses. Bender groans and wipes away a tear. Hermes limbos out from under the wreckage.] He did it! And he's not even looking back at that cool explosion! He's a hero!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. The building looks like an explosion went off. An alarm is blaring]
Amy: What's happening? The phone's been disconnected, the ship's been repossessed, and Zoidberg's getting overcooked! [Scruffy is cooking Zoidberg on a spit.]
Bender: [He and Hermes walk in wearing sombreros.] Ah. This place never changes.
Hermes: Leela! What in the name of Jah happened?
Leela: Too much papers! Not enough hiding plants!
Hermes: It's alright. This place just needs a one-hour bureaucratizing.
- [Time Lapse: The building looks good-as-new.]
Leela: [As Hermes shovels the last of the paperwork into a furnace.] You make it look so easy.
Hermes: I've smoked a lot of paperwork in my day.
Fry: Hey, Bender. Did you ever find that inspector guy you were looking for?
Bender: [Putting his arm around Hermes] Nah, but thanks to this knucklehead, I did find a new outlook on life. It's precious and sacred, and you only get so many millions of years on this Earth. So let's get brick-faced! [Everyone cheers. Everyone but Hermes runs off]
Hermes: [He looks around then throws a folder into the fire. The front burns away, revealing Inspector 5 to be Hermes.]
- [Montage. "Little Bird" is playing over the montage. Baby Bender comes off an assembly line, drinking from a baby bottle of alcohol. Hermes scans him and finds that he has no backup unit. Hermes considers destroying him but instead marks him as "approved". Cut to Hermes handing his resignation to Mom. Cut to him leaving the house in Tijuana. Cut to when Bender and Hermes were in the Central Bureaucracy. Hermes steals his file from the archives. Cut to Tijuana, with Killbots firing on the house. The computer scans Hermes and confirms his identity. Cut to present, Hermes nods in satisfaction and the scene fades to black.]
- [Closing Credits.]
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