Transcript:Proposition Infinity

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Transcript for
Proposition Infinity
Written by	Michael Rowe
Transcribed by	Teyrn of Highever Kifcroaker

[Opening Credits: Dictated But Not Read.]

[Scene: Amy's apartment. Kif and Amy are watching Channel √2 News.]

Linda [on TV] We now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. Jim?

Jim [on TV] [Still in the burning hovercopter.] The scene is not good, Linda. I've just learned that my last words were: back to you, Linda.

Linda [on TV] [She laughs] One for the blooper reel.

Kif The news is so violent. Let's watch Rachael Ray instead. No, wait. There might be chopping.

Amy God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish.

Kif You know full well that I am more closely related to the sea cucumber.

Amy Not where it counts.

Morbo [on TV] I hated Jim! In other news, our city's urine-soaked walls have been desicrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist.

Linda [on TV] Police have not idea who is behind this innovative scourge of public art.

[On the TV, an example of the graffiti is shown. It looks like Bender]

[Scene: New New York street. Bender is lowering himself using cables.

Bender [He chuckles maliciously and spreads grout onto a wall. He then makes a tile version of his head] That is one sexy bridge abutment.

[Time lapse. Bender is putting tile graffiti in various places. A hoverbus stop, a Richard Nixon "Despair" poster (parodying the Barack Obama "Hope" poster) and a tube transport station. At a freeway, Bender graffitis part of a sign so that it now reads "Free Corn" instead of "Freeway Ends At Corner"]

Hyper-Chicken Free corn? That'll suit me just fine. [He crashes his hovercar and crows loudly]

[Bender is still putting graffiti on various buildings.]

Bender The key is knowing precisely where to strike. [The last building turns out to be URL's back] Oops!

URL Well, well. Time to beat him his rights. [He and Smitty take out their lightsabers and being hitting Bender.]

Smitty You know, that don't look half bad on your buttocks.

URL It does kinda class-up the place.

[Pan over the streets of New New York. A clock nearby changes from 3:59 to 4:00]

Clock The time is 4 am.

[Scene: Amy's apartment]

Amy We've been arguing all night, Kif. Can't we go to bed?

Kif Is that all you ever think about? I'm not just some piece of tofu, Amy. I need to know where we stand in our relationship.

Amy We're just going through a rough patch.

Kif It is not a patch. It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate "Hunk of the Month" calender.

[He points to a calender with a male model wearing only a pair of briefs and holding a saxophone]

Todd Thanks, babe. Also, today is Canadian Independence Day. [He plays a tune]

[Burping is heard. The phone displays an incoming call sign]

Amy Oh, that's Bender's ringtone. I recognize the smell. Hello? [Bender's picture is displayed over the phone]

Bender Yo, Amy, I'm in the slammer.

Amy Oh, no!

Bender That's enough lip from you, moneybags. Just get 5 grand an bail me out.

Amy I don't have that kind of money laying around.

Bender Yeah, you do. You know that floor safe where you keep 10 grand? There's 5 grand in there. Don't make me wait!

[Scene: Will Riker's Island, prison interior. Bender, Roberto, Joey Mousepad and other criminals are in a cell.]

<poem>Roberto [He walks up to Bender. He is holding a sock] Hey, Bender. Ever kill a man with a sock? It ain't so hard. Ha-HAA. [He stabs at Bender]

Bender I better carve a shiv for protection. [He pulls out a stick and a switchblade. He starts whittling down the stick into a crude knife]

URL [He opens the cell door. Kif and Amy are with him.] Rodríguez! These two brothers bailed your ass out.

Bender Oh! Thank God. [He hugs Kif, causing his head to inflate] Tell me, have things changed on the outside. Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form?

Larry the Murder Burglar [To Amy] Hey, hot stuff. I'm Larry the Murder Burglar.

Amy Hi, Larry. I like your tattoos.

Kif Amy, that man's a criminal!

Amy I was just checking out his tats. [She looks at a tattoo of Larry jumping out of a house window then lighting it with a molotov cocktail. The house explodes.] Sneato! I have one of my mom. Wanna see?

Larry the Murder Burglar Sure.

[Amy shows him the tattoo on her butt. Kif stutters incoherently.]

[A clerk is handing Bender back everything that was confiscated from him: a hat, a full roast chicken and an accordion]

Kif [To Amy] I just don't understand why you have to flirt with every bad boy in sight.

Amy Quit exaggerating.

[A criminal that Smitty and URL are escorting gets loose. He steals a lightsaber and holds it to Amy's throat.]

Criminal Nobody move, or sweet cheeks here gets it!

Amy [Giggling] Oh! You're bad!

URL [He performs the Vulcan Neck Pinch on the criminal] Momma said, Spock you out!

Kif That's it, Amy. Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats. You and I are through. [He walks off. Amy looks heartbroken.]

Bender [He is holding the accordion.] Aw! Here's a little song I wrote to cheer you up. It's called, [singing] Let's go already!

[Scene:Forbidden Planet Hollywood. Where tourists come to mingle with tourists] Pan over the various exhibits, from Chewbacca's feet to Iron Man's underpants, Elvis' pelvis and Calculon's agent. Bender, Fry, Leela and Amy are seated at a table]

Leela Here's to Amy, single, lonely, and fabulous.

Amy Thanks everybody. Looks like I'm back in the game.

Bender Yeah, the game of Old Maid. [He laughs]

Security woman Excuse me, sir, are those yours? [Bender is wearing Chewbacca's feet]

Bender You're damn right. And, before you ask, this is mine too. [He opens his chest cabinet revealing Lassie. She barks]

Fry Tough break, Amy. Are you and Kif getting divorced?

Amy No. Technically we were Fonfon rus, so we weren't really married.

Bender Wow! The interesting thing about that is [He starts snoring]

Leela So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a sack of yesterday's turds?

Amy He says I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid.

Bender The truth is often stupid. [He blows smoke in her face and sprinkles her with ash]

Amy Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me?

Bender Shut up, baby, you love it.

Amy Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?

Bender What?

[Scene: Amy's apartment]

Amy [In bed with Bender] That was great.

Bender Shut up. [Amy climbs on top of him and they start kissing] Come over here.

[Scene: Tube Transport System. Bender and Amy are talking]

Amy Remember, love between a human and a robot is taboo. [She takes a brush from Bender's cabinet and fixes her hair.] We can't tell anyone, not even our co-workers.

Bender Got it. I'll show the utmost discretion as we get nasty in this glass tube. [They begin kissing]

[Scene: Planet Express Meeting room. The crew is sitting around the table. Hermes looks sick]

Hermes I think I'm coming down with circusitis. [He sneezes and his face gets traditional clown fare: make-up, rainbow wig, and rubber nose.]

Leela I thought circusitis only affected children.

Hermes Children of all ages.

Zoidberg Bender, old friend. What's on your face?

Bender [He has a lipstick mark on his face. He covers it up.] Uh. Blood. You know, from shaving of the face-beard.

Fry Amy, are those gear imprints on your sweatpants?

Amy Uh, maybe. So what?

Fry I only brought it up because Bender is wearing them.

Bender [He clears his throat] Uh, I stole them from her. Yeah, that's it, call the cops.

Hermes Oh, my swollen feet. He takes his feet out of the tub of water. They have turned into clown shoes] I better take my pills. [He opens the container and rubber springs fly out]

[Scene: NNY street]

Bender Amy, I reckon sweet talk don't come natural to me, but of everyone I've ever dated, you are probably in the top ten.

Amy Aw, you always say just the wrong thing in just the right way. [They kiss]

Preacherbot Sinners! Robosexuality is an abomination!

Bender Oy, this guy.

Preacherbot The good book sayeth a robot shall not lie down with a human, nor do it standing up, nor any angle in between.

[A crowd has formed. They agree with the Preacherbot]

Bender Look! A single mother! Let's get her! [The crowd runs off]

[Bender and Amy walk off]

[Scene: Planet Express ship basement.]

Farnsworth Quickly, into the ship's basement! [Dr. Zoidberg scrambles into the basement and closes the door behind him. Everyone else is already there.] Now, then, as you all know, the county fair is approaching once again, so I'm preparing my entry of pickled winds and weathers. [Pan over the individual jars of weather] I've got sunny, snow flurry, hail with onions, even my grandmother's cranberry-raisin typhoon, but no tornado. I'll be damned if I let Mrs. Girdleson take the blue ribbon again. [He opens some blinds revealing a farmhouse being blown away in a typhoon, it has Bender's graffiti on it.] That's why I need you folks to get out there and harvest a nice ripe one. This cattle prod should help.

Leela How is that? [She gets zapped by the prod and screams.]

Farnsworth Get out there!

[Scene: Planet Tornadus. The crew are situated around a tornado. They are using jet packs and a device to extract the tornado.]

Leela Is everybody in position?

Amy What?

Zoidberg Is someone talking?

Leela Okay, good. On three. One.

Hermes What did she say?

Leela Two.

Bender Wait, I'm not in position. [He is being blown around by the winds]

Leela Three.

Zoidberg I'm ready for the countdown.

Leela I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!

Fry She said, "Go!"

[Everyone begins shooting wildly at the tornado.]</poem>

[Scene: Planet Express Ship basement]

Farnsworth Good work, everyone. [A tornado has someone been shoved into a large tube. It is attached to a pickle jar by a hose.]

Leela Honestly, that went better than I expected.

Farnsworth I just need to reduce it down into this pickle jar, toss in a bay leaf to impress those stupid judges. [He puts the leaf into the pickle jar.]

Fry Hey, where's Amy and Bender.

Zoidberg They're missing out on some hot pickle action. [He licks his mouth flaps.]

[The Professor presses a button and turns a switch on his machine. The tornado is being decanted into the pickle jar. Bender and Amy can be heard giggling.]

Hermes Sounds like a muskrat's caught in there.

[Amy's sweatshirt whips around in the tornado.]

Leela That's Amy's sweatshirt!

[Bender's hat appears]

Fry And that's Bender's hat from the Player's ball!

Hermes Sweet tornadoes of Barbados! Bender and Amy have been torn to shreds!

Farnsworth [He presses a few more buttons and more of Bender's and Amy's things appear in the whirlwind.] Oh, the humanity! Also Bender!

Amy [The whirlwind whips faster revealing Bender and Amy. The tornado stops and they fall to the floor, still kissing.] Uh-oh!

Farnsworth What's going on here?

Bender Uh. [He antenna recedes.] Nothing.

[Scene: Planet Express Meeting room. Everyone except the Professor is sitting. The Professor is pacing back and forth.

Farnsworth A pair of deviant robosexuals. Not under my roof!

Bender What about on the roof?

Farnsworth Get your mind out of the gutter!

Bender What about in the gutter?

Leela Professor, there is nothing wrong with robosexuality.

Hermes Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what happens between two consenting adults.

Zoidberg Or one!

Amy Thanks, guys. Everything will be okay just as long as my parents don't find out.

Farnsworth Zai jian. [He begins whistling innocently and walks to the door. A doorbell rings. He opens it. Leo and Inez are there.]

Amy Mom? Dad?

Leo Come home, Amy. It your decision. We can't make you. [He pulls out a lasso and lassos Amy] Atta girl!

[The Professor closes his cellphone again and begins whistling]

Bender Uh-oh! not the innocent whistling!

Preacherbot [The doorbell rings and the Preacherbot is there] Repent!

Bender Oy, this guy. [A magnet attaches to his chest cabinet and he is dragged off.]

[Scene: Wong Ranch. No Brokebacking]

Inez Look, we're your family. And if you can't talk about your problems with us, that would be great.

Amy I don't have a problem! I'm in a happy relationship that just happens to be robosex-

Leo [Cutting across her.] You finish that word, you kill your parents.

Wine Bucket Low wine level detected. [He fills Amy's glass]

Amy Thank you.

Leo Stop seducing him, you hussy!

Amy Dad, gleesh! I'm attracted to Bender, not his emotionless wine bucket!

Wine Bucket [A tear rolls down its face] Hopes deleted.

[Scene: Camp Rectifier. Praying on the weak since 2976.]

Preacherbot Robotic brothers, the path to [[Robot Hell] is paved with human flesh.

[In addition to Bender, there is the Hermaphrobot, Fatbot, and an unknown robot]

Bender Neat!

Preacherbot Over the course of this escape-proof workshop, your software will be reprogrammed through prayer. And by some tech support guys in India.

Unknown Robot But I read in Esqwired that some robots are hardwired to be robosexual.

Preacherbot Don't believe those lies, son! The one ones worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get an "Amen"?

Hermaphrobot I'll take a-three-men, holla!

[Scene: Wong Ranch. Amy is rocking on a porch swing.]

Inez Come on, Amy! Pick a male human already! [There is a line of men standing near the porch.] I want to be a grandmother nine months from five minutes from now.

Amy Cut it out, Mom! I'm not interesting in any of these gross, ugly losers.

Fry [Walking up] What about this gross, ugly, smelly loser?

Leo Fry! What you doing here?

Fry I'm here to rescue Amy, uh... from here robosexual desires. [He winks.]

Amy If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways? [She winks back.]

Leo Look at that awkward winking.

Inez It must be love. [Fry and Amy walk off]

[Scene: Planet Express ship]

Amy My parents may be evil, but at least their stupid.

[Scene: Camp Rectifier]

Preacherbot [The campers and the Preacherbot are standing near some dummies of humans.] In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons. Your shapely, buxom, human demons.

Fatbot Look at the rack on that one! I mean, that one on the rack!

Preacherbot [He blows a whistle and the campers each jump on a dummy and start fondling them.] Good! That's real good! [He wipes away some sweat.] Okay, everybody switch demons. No point sticking with just one demon. [The campers all switch dummies.] Now, work it hard! Harder! Till the sin explodes out of you! Mmmm. Mercy. Okay, Lord's work is done. Now, now, cuddle. Cuddle with your demons.

Bender Oh, Amy. I wonder where you are right now!

Amy I'm inside the dummy to rescue you.

Bender That answers that. Wait... Amy? [He begins kissing the demon]

Leela [Fry and Leela can be heard groaning] Bender, be careful!

Bender Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? Blech.

Zoidberg I guess we should have waited in the ship.

[Scene: Planet Express meeting room. Bender and Amy are kissing.]

Bender Listen up, everybody, I love Amy and I'm tired of pussyfootcupping around! I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of her life with. Amy, [He lowers his body and pulls a ring out of his chest cabinet. It has a tag that says exhibit A.] will you marry me?

Amy Yes! Yes!

[Everyone else beside the Professor begins cheering]

Farnsworth Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day! Wait a second, [He checks his pulse and hears only one beat] No!

Zoidberg [He is admiring Amy's ring] Such a stone. Is it real? [Amy pulls up Zoidberg's coat and uses the diamond to cut through Zoidberg's skin, revealing his internal organs.] Horray!

Farnsworth Horray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal!

Leela Not in Space Massachusetts.

Bender You mean Space-tax-achusetts. No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!

Hermes Yeah, man! You got to legalize it!

Amy We're talking about robosexual marriage.

Hermes We're talking about lots of stuff.

[Scene: Gearwhich Village Pride Parade. Fry is eating a hot dog.]

[The Hot Dog Stand grows limbs and a head.]

Fry Cool! Can you turn into a race car?

Hot Dog Stand

Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer.

Amy [on stage] Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here.

Hedonism Bot [In a bondage outfit] Squeaky, squishy clean! [The Hot Dog Stand vomits hot dogs on Hedonism Bot.]

Amy But it's time to discuss a pressing issue, the right to marry who, or what, we want! [The crowd cheers]

Bender Every other couple has the right to marry, robot and fembot, [Cut to the Donbot and Fanny, man and woman, [Pan to Pauly Shore and Michelle, man and man [Pan to Randy Munchnik, his partner, and their poodle.]

Randy Our poodle has two daddies.

Bender Interracial, [Pan to two aliens who are half-black and half-white], Interplanetary, [Pan to a blob and a woman], even ghost and horse, [a ghost is floating nearby with a horse inside its body] but not robot and human.

[The crowd boos]

Amy That's why we're introducing this ballot initiative to legalize robosexual marriage.

[The crowd cheers]

Bender If you hate intolerance and begin punched in the face by me, please support Proposition Infinity!

[A montage of campaign efforts. Amy pins a button to an alien. He is popped by the button and floats away. Bender puts tile graffiti on URL's back and get hit. The crew holds a sign that reads "Stand up for equality" while nearby the Professor, Hattie and two others have a sign that reads, "Fall down and be unable to get up for traditional marriage".]

[Scene: √2 News broadcast.]

Linda [on TV] As election day nears, prop infinity seems doomed to certain defeat.

Morbo [on TV] Doomed!

Linda [on TV] More fair and balanced coverage after a word from our sponsor, No on Infinity.

[A Parody of the National Organization for Marriage's ad begins. Storm clouds roll in.]

Actor 1 A storm is gathering.

Actor 2 A storm of robosexual marriage that will rain down on us like fire.

Actor 1 It's probably a firestorm.

Actress If robosexual marriage becomes legal, imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any. As a mother, those things worry me.

Man [Voice over] Vote No on Infinity. Paid for by the Farnsworth Foundation.

[Scene: Planet Express Lounge.]

Amy We can't compete against that much stock footage of clouds! We're boned!

Bender But we still have one hope, my big televised debate! I'm our A in the hole!

Fry Professor, who's debating for your side?

Farnsworth Oh, that guy, you know, I forget his name.

[Scene: Debate Hall]

Farnsworth [Pointing to a live image of himself on a television screen.] That's him!

George Takei's head Good evening, I'm George Takei's head and neck, your host for tonight's debate. You may applaud. [The crowd does.] We flipped a coin before the debate and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him.

Bender Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I... Oops. Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I love a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So, please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.

[The crowd cheers and applauds]

Takei I haven't heard such an eloquent speech since Bill Shatner explained why he couldn't pay me back. Rebuttal, Professor?

Farnsworth This $4 coffee pot talks about love, but what he describes is perversion.

Bender You wouldn't know perversion if it put clamps on your testicles! You're just jealous, 'cause you've never known true love.

Farnsworth Oh, no? Back when I was full of piss and vinegar, and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl to ever skip through a field of posies. [Flashback to a younger Professor and Eunice skipping through posies.] Her name was Eunice, and we spent our blissful days working in a lab, developing a poison to wipe out that dreadful posy infestation. [Farnsworth handes Eunice some posies and she drips poison on them. They wilt. The Professor and Eunice kiss.] I thought our love would last forever. But then, 43 years later, she left me [Eunice is in bed with a robot.] for a robot! [End flashback] How could she do that to me, her Farnypoo?

Amy That's it? You hate robosexual 'cause your girlfriend left you for a robot?

Farnsworth She didn't just leave me for a robot. She was a robot! [The crowd gasps.] Oh, God! Her name wasn't Eunice, it was Unit! Unit 47. [The same flower scene plays but Eunice is replaced with Unit 47.] My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took my anger out on robosexuals everywhere. I'm so ashamed! At the risk of losing this debate, I beg you, support Proposition Infinity. [The crowd cheers]

Bender Give me a hug. [He jumps the Professor]

George Takei's head I, too, am hugging them in spirit. And now, they're hugging me back. Oh, my!

[Scene: Planet Express Lounge. The crew is watching TV.]

Linda [on TV] In a stunning turnout, voters have approved Proposition Infinity. Robosexual marriage is now legal.

Morbo [on TV] What's next, gay robosexual marriage?

[The crew cheers]

Amy We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else!

Bender Woo-hoo! Yeah! ... Monogamous? [Cut to Bender on a beach with two hookerbots]

[Cut back to Planet Express]

Radio Announcer And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling. [A motercycle revs outside. Kif is driving and wearing a leather jacket, sunglasses and boots.] At number 12, it's Wailing Fungus with "Shut Up and Love Me"

[As the song plays, Kif and Amy ride off into the sunset.]

[Closing Credits.]

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