Transcript:Radiorama

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Transcript for
Radiorama
Written byDavid X. Cohen, Ken Keeler and Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed byJasonbres
[The Futurama theme song is heard.]

Transition Announcer: Coming to you direct from the 31st century, it's Futurama, the show that never dies, but is so sick, it lost its video! Brought to you by Kloch the Avenger's Borax Flakes! When you want flakes, why not try Borax?

[The theme song ends.]

Transition Announcer: One morning, the Planet Express crew was meeting in the conference room, when suddenly, the Professor entered with good news. Let's listen, shall we?

[Door opens.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Your favorite cancelled TV show is coming back in the form of a low-budget podcast!

[Everyone cheers.]

Fry: Wait, what show are we talking about?

Farnsworth: All My Circuits, of course. The robot soap opera starring legendary acting unit, Calculon.

Fry: Oh, right. We used to watch that every day after work, and during work! Why'd we stop?

Leela: Because Calculon died. Twice!

Farnsworth: Yes, in agony. But luckily, his voice box survived. And, like all actors, his mouth works independtly of his brain.

Amy: Hey, Bender, you're here, too! Weren't you on All My Circuits once?

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!

[Inexplicable cheers and applause.]

Bender: And, yes, Amy, I was. I played Calculon's swarthy Latino son, Antonio Calculon, Jr.

Hermes: I remember dat, mon. You were voted Worst Actor of All Time.

Bender: That's fake news! There were millions of illegal voters! A lot of people are sayin' I was the best ever!

Zoidberg: Guess who's also here? It's Zoidberg, why not! [woops]

Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg, I'm still talkin'! Okay, now I'm done,

Fry: Psst, Leela!

Leela (loudly): Yeah?!

Fry: Shhh! I made you a present, and I'd like to give it to you! In private.

Leela: Oh, Fry, that's so thoughtful depending on what it is.

Fry: It's in the basement, just down this long greasy staircase.

[Door creaks open. Footsteps. Fry and Leela trip and slip.]

Scruffy: Welcome to the basement.

Fry: Scruffy? What are you doing down here?

Scruffy: Just finished greasin' the sta'rs. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go loosen the chandelier.Mm-hm.

[Scruffy walks away.]

Leela: So where's that present I've been hearing not enough about?

Fry: Right over here. Just let me turn it on... and...

[Electrical humming. Zap.]

Fry: Tada! It took me weeks get every detail just right. Do ya like it?

Leela: I'm not sure. What the hell is it?

Fry: What does it look like?

Leela: Uh, a jumble of flashing blobs that give me a headache?

Fry: What?! How can you say that?! It's a a realistic self-portrait of me! I've been learning the art of 3-D laser sculpture.

Leela: And you thought I'd like that?! I can't see in stereo, Fry! I only have one eye!

Fry: Oops. I forgot.

Leela: You forgot the main thing about me?! The thing that defines my existence?!

Fry: [stammers] You also have purple hair.

Leela: That's it! Our on again-off again relationship is officially off!

Fry: Again?

Leela: Permanently! I've told you fifty times I can't see in 3-D! But it's like you can't hear my voice!

Transition Announcer: Picking up the 3-D sculpture, Leela carefully scaled the greasy stairs and stormed back into the conference room.

[Door opens.]

Leela: Can you believe this piece of junk Fry gave me?

[Crash! The crew gives awed reactions.]

Zoidberg: What a magnificent nude sculpture of Fry!

Leela: Nude?

Amy: You can see every tiny detail, even his penis!

Hermes: It can only be described as a quasi-erotic masterpiece of three-dimensional meta-representationalism. I'm just glad I have two eyes to appreciate it!

Leela: Now I feel even worse! Apparently, I'm the only one who can't savor the subtleties of Fry's digital ding-dong!

Fry: Okay, fine! The gift was a mistake! I'll throw it out!

[Crash!]

Farnsworth: Oh, you clod-noramus! You can't throw digital garbage in the analog trash! Digital trash needs to be dragged and dropped onto Junkleon 7, the deleted file planet!

Fry: Does there really have to be a whole planet for everything?

Farnsworth: Bon voyage!

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: And so, the crew boarded the Planet Express Ship and began the dramatic countdown.

Fry: Nine hundred and ninety nine, nine hundred and ninety eight, nine hundred and ninety seven, nine hundred and ninety si—

Bender: LET'S GO ALREADYYYYYY!!!

[The ship blasts off.]

Transition Announcer: As the ship flew through deepest space, Bender the robot grew pensive.

Bender: Y'know, I only have one regret in life.

Leela: I have five.

Bender: That's too many. I just wish... [breaks down into tears] I just wish my mother had seen how great I was on All My Circuits. But she didn't watch!

Fry: Why not?

Bender: TV offends her religious sensibilities. Plus she's got no eyes.

Leela: I thought your mother was just a robot arm.

Bender: Not just a robot arm! She's also a grieving widow and mother of three! And I haven't seen her in fifteen years! I've been a bad son! [sobs] Wha? We're here! [scats happily]

Transition Announcer: Donning their protective space leggings, the crew members descended onto the planet's filthy surface.

Leela: C'mon, let's dump Fry's one-man porno.

Fry: It's not porno! It's folk art! For folk who like to see me doing a naked headstand!

Leela: Blecch! Drop it like it's hot and let's go!

[Crash!]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, w-whoa! I need to steal somethin' first! What's the most valuable digital file?</poem>

Fry: I dunno. Whichever has the most 1's.

Bender: Right. Maybe this thing.

[Discordant noise.]

Leela: Aah! What was that?!

Bender: Who cares? I'm just gonna put it in my chest cavity, and not worry whether it might or might not resurface in dramatic fashion!

[Dramatic sting. Ship zooming.]

Transition Announcer: And so the ship returned to Earth, Bender's chest bulging with the mysterious digital file. The whole crew was happily beating Dr. Zoidberg with a banjo, when suddenly, the phone rang.

Zoidberg: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Hurray! I'm being beaten by friends! Ow!

[Rrrrrrrrring!]

Bender: I'll get it. Hello, Planet Express, home of Bender, Bender speakin', how may I Bender your call?

Operator: A long distance call for Mr. Bender.

Bender: He's not here.

Operator: Please hold for Calculon.

Bender: Omigod, Calculon?! I'm here! I'm here! Don't hang up!

Operator: Go ahead, Mr. Calculon. You're on speakerphone with Bender.

Calculon: Hello, Bender? You're probably wondering why I'm calling to tell you my show's coming back as a podcast. And I'd like you to reprise your role as Antonio Calculon, Jr.

Bender: [gasps] Thank you! G'bye!

Hermes: Whoa w-whoa, hold on, Calculon! Bender gave da worst performance in history! Why are you bringing' him back?

Calculon: Because once you've established a character, the audience won't stand for any recasting. NO MATTER HOW EXCRUCIATING INCOMPETENT THE ACTOR!

Zoidberg: Oh, so you're getting the original writers back, too?

Calculon: No, we fire them all the time. It saves money and it's fun. Are you in, Bender?

Bender: Yeah, but I want 1.2% of net!

Calculon: Absolutely not!

Bender: Deal! I'll see ya 7:00 a.m. tomorrow!

Calculon: We start 10:00 a.m. next Tuesday.

Bender: I'll be waiting!

[Hangs up.]

Bender: It was Calculon! I got the part!

[Everyone cheers.]

Zoidberg: We already heard! But it beats getting hit with a banjo.

Bender: Man, I can't wait to go tell my mother!

Fry: Aw, Bender, that's sweet. I'm sure she'll have a lot to say.

Bender: Fry, you idiot! Leela, gimme that banjo.

Fry: Ow! Oof! Ooh! What'd I do?

Bender: My mother can't talk, okay? She has no mouth! She uses sign language, which is a form of talking!

Fry; Eh, but—

Bender: Ah-ah-ah, don't make me get the bagpipes!

Fry: D'ouch!

Transition Announcer: After another severe beating, Bender set off to visit his mother at the Assisted Computing Facility. Fry went along, as did Amy, a renowned sign language interpreter whose skills had never before been of the slightest use.

Bender: Well, here we are outside her door.

[Knocks.]

Bender: Mom? It's me, Bender, your middle son! Can I come in? Are you decent?

Fry: How she gonna hear you knocking? I thought she was a robot arm.

Bender: She's not deaf, you idiot! Amy, hand me that piano!

[Smash!]

Fry: Sorry. I deserve that.

[Door creaks open.]

Bender: [quietly] Oh, God, she looks horrible. [out loud] Hi, Mom, you look great! These are my friends, Fry and Amy.

Amy: Nice to meet you.

Fry: Hi, Mrs. Rodriguez.
[Slam!]
<poem>Fry: Aah! Ooh! She's hitting me, too!

Amy: That's sign language, dumdum. You're just standing too close.

Bender: What's she saying?

Amy: She says, "Bender, why haven't you visited or called a single time in fifteen years? You bent your mother's heart."

Bender: I'm sorry, Ma! I only wanted to make you proud and stuff. Speakina which, get this! I'm gonna be on the new All My Circuits podcast! Woohoo! Go, Bender! Go, Bender!

[Whirring.]

Amy: She says, "That's nice."

Bender: Nice? Mom, it's a podcast! You love podcasts! Are you feelin ' all right?

[Whirring.]

Amy: She says, "It's nothing. Don't worry. It's just a slight cough. [cough cough]"

Fry: Wow, you are a good translator.

Bender: What's wrong, Mom? Give it to me straight! Are they kickin' you out because I don't bother to pay the bills?

[Whirring.]

Amy: "No, Bender. [cough cough] I'm dying."

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: After a brief confusion where Fry stupidly thought Amy was dying, the horrible truth came out.

Bender: Aw, Mom, ya can't die, ya can't! Not without first hearing me on a podcast! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!

Transition Announcer: The drama only gets worse when Futurama returns! After this word from the Borax Kid.

[Country music.]

Borax Kid: Howdy, folks. If yer like me, and yer probably not, yer made of solid borax. But when it comes to keepin' yer Sunday suit clean and white, solid borax just won't cut it. Ya need flakes. Kloch the Avenger's Borax Flakes, the only flakes made from me, the Borax Kid. Ask for it by chemical formula: Na2-B4-O7-10H2O. This is the Borax Kid sayin' goodnight and always keep one eye on your genitals.

Jingle Singer: N-A-two-B-four-O-seven
Ten-H-two-O!

[Bing!]

Transition Announcer: That was the Borax Kid, ladies and gentlemen! Now before we return to Futurama, we have a special guest. And also Dr. Zoidberg. Here's Hermes Conrad and Dr. Zoidberg!

[Applause.]

Hermes: Thanks, Don. Say, have you heard about the new Futurama game?

Transition Announcer: Yes, I have. And now, back to our show.

Zoidberg: Wait wait! Nobody told me about that! A Futurama game? Why aren't I in it?

Hermes: You are, ya stupid crab! We just didn't pay you!

Zoidberg: Hurray, I'm in it! I just wish I weren't too poor to pay the millions of dolls such fine entertainment must cost.

Hermes: It's free.

Zoidberg: Free? FREE?! I'll take two!

Transition Announcer: Say, Hermes, what's this free top quality game called?

Hermes: Uh, I'm not actually sure.

Transition Announcer: It's called Futurama: Worlds of Tomorrow! Download it now on your mobile device. Available on the App Store and Google Play!

Zoidberg: I don't have a phone.

Transition Announcer: Too bad.

[Dramatic music.]

Transition Announcer: And now, back to our program. Bender has just received the devastating news that his mother is unwell. And remember, when you hear the strange noise...

[Discordant noise.]

Transition Announcer: ...that's your reminder that Bender has a mysterious digital file from space in his chest cavity. Let's listen as he silently stands by his mother's side at the hospital.

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: Ooh, 'scusd me. You feelin' okay, Ma? Still dying?

[Door opens.]

Amy: [gasps] Here comes the doctor with the test results.

[Dramatic music and footsteps.]

Doctor: Mrs. Rodriguez, I don't quite know how to say this.

Bender: Is it good news? What's the diagnosis?>/poem>
<poemDoctor: I'm afraid your mother is suffering from... planned obsolescence!

[Dramatic sting.]

Bender: [gasps]

Amy: No!

Doctor: She'll be dead within a matter of... days!

Bender: Days? But she's gotta hear my podcast! Is she gonna make it 'til Tuesday at 10?

Doctor: A.m. or p.m.?

Bender: A.m.

Doctor: Yes.

Bender: Hurray! Woo woo!

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: 'Scuse me.

Transition Announcer: The days flew by and before you knew it, it was Tuesday at 10:00 a.m., and the cast of All My Circuits was gathering at the recording studio.

Engineer: Okay, people, mic check! We're live in two minutes! Who's on mic one?

Calculon: It is I, Calculon, man of a thousand voices, all magnificently similar.

Engineer: Mic two?

Monique: Monique, fembot of mystery... or am I?

Engineer: Mic three! Is that you, Boxy Robot?

Boxy: [beep beep beep]

Engineer: No, you don't have time for a bathroom break! Mic four?!

Human Friend: Hi, I play the part of "Human Friend", but in real life, my name is—

Engineer: No one cares! Shut up! And finally mic five, who's on mic five? HELLO?!? ANYONE ON MIC FIVE?!?!

Bender: [from behind the door] I'll be there in a minute! I'm just lettin' my guests into the control booth!

[Door opens.]

Bender: Hey, Bubblegum Tate!

Bubblegum: Hey, cats! What's goin' on?

Bender: Hattie, Randy, Roberto...

Roberto: Ha-HAAAAA!!!

Bender: ...even Fatbot!

Fatbot: Hello.

Bender: The gang's all here!

Randy: Hey, Calculon's back!

Bubblegum: Mmm. This control booth's got some fine, deep pile carpetin'. A man could get busy in here.

Bender: Make yourselves at home. There's a sandwich in the director's lunchbox.

Fatbot: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Bender: Fatbot, you could sit here on the engineer's lap.

[Thud!]

Engineer: Ooooh!

Fry: Hey, where's your mother, Bender?

Bender: Who?

Leela: Your estranged mother? The one you want to be proud of you before she dies?

Bender: Ooooh. Oh, boy, I gave her ticket to Fatbot. Eh, whatever. The important thing is she'll get to hear the podcast from the comfort of her own deathbed.

Engineer: Get over here, Bender! We're on the air in five and a half seconds!

Bender: Coming!

Engineer: And three, two, cue music!

[Soap opera organ.]

Fry: [quietly] Can ya see the actors, Leela?

Leela: Yeah, just not in three dimensions, in case you forgot again.

Fry: Okay, jeez! I apologize, Leela! I threw out the sculpture. Anyway, it's an audio podcast, so just use however many ears you have.

Leela: [getting more angry] You honestly don't know how many ears I have, do you?

Fry: I don't even know how many ears I have.

Engineer: What is wrong with you people?! This is a recording studio! Everybody shut up and action!

Transition Announcer: As the podcast began, the audience was treated to the dulcet tones of the All My Circuits announcer, who happened to be yours truly, Don Cunningham. Let's hear what I sounded like. [on podcast] Hi, this is your announcer, Don Cunningham, welcoming all our listeners here on Earth, as well as our brave robots in uniform fighting mostly against each other. And remember, friends, All My Circuits is brought to you by Chairman Grao's Second Class Borax Flakes, because not everyone needs the good kind.

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: Ooh, 'scuse me again.

Transition Announcer: As our story begins, Calculon is alone in his spacious wood shop making a birdhouse.

[Woodcraft noises.]

Calculon: As a business tycoon and Professor of East Asian Literature, I relish the opportunity to craft something with my own hands and let my mind wander.

[Chaotic noises.]

Calculon: [screams] I mutilated myself! Oh, the pain is penetrating into every nuance of my performance!

[Siren.]

Transition Announcer: When what was left of Calculon awoke, he was in the hospital, surrounded by friends and loved ones.

Monique: How are you, Calculon? You are Calculon, right? With your head and body gone, it's... it's hard to tell.

Calculon: Yes. Tis I.

Monique: I mean, it's basically a hospital bed with some wires on the pillow. Speaking of which, I wonder how they keep the hospital sheets so white.

Calculon: [weakly] Probably... [cough cough] Chairman Grao's Borax Flakes.

[Door opens.]

Human Friend: Yes, Chairman Grao's. Ask for them wherever flakes are sold. Hi. I'm Dr. Human Friend.

Monique: Tell us, doctor, will Calculon make a full recovery and fulfill his dream of sailing the Atlantic Ocean solo?

Human Friend: I don't know. Lemme check his pulse.

Boxy: [beep, beep, beep]

Human Friend: Quiet, Boxy Robot, I'm trying to check his pulse.

[Beeping and electronic sounds.]

Human Friend: Uh-oh. That's not good. Do you have any next of kin, Calculon?

Calculon: Only my estranged son, Antonio Calculon, Jr. But we haven't spoken since that... foolish quarrel over the length of his sideburns. Alas, I shall never see my son again.

[Door opens.]

Bender: Father!

Calculon: [gasps] Antonio, beloved fruit of my loins! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns.

Bender: I'm so sorry I haven't been around much, Dad, but before you go into that long powerdown, there's something I need to tell you.

[Chest cavity opens.]

Bender: Oops, hang on, my door fell open.

[Discordant noises. Everyone screams.]

Leela: My ears!

Fry: Aha! So you do have ears!

Engineer: Where's that horrible sound coming from?!

Bender: Sorry, it's this thing in my chest. Lemme just... [strains] I can't close the door! The force of the sound waves is too strong!

Demonic voice: I am not a sound wave!

[Everyone gasps.]

Fry: Look! The sound wave is speaking!

Demonic voice: I am Klaxxon! Hear me!!!

Leela: Indoor voice, Klaxxon, indoor voice.

Bender: Eh, the noise just keeps comin' outta me! It's like a Greek food burp!

[Discordant noise.]

Bender: 'Scuse me.

Hattie: Oh, for the love of Whatchacallit! The sound wave is destroying the ceiling tiles!

Bender: WAIT FOR ME TO GET OUT FIRST AND THEN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

[Everyone screams.]

Transition Announcer: People tried to flee, but it was no use for the noise was coming from everywhere, erupting from every device that had been tuned to the ill-fated podcast. And as Bender's dying mother listened to the unpleasant racket, she grew morose.

[High-pitched frequency.]

Amy: I'm sorry you didn't get to hear Bender, Mrs. Rodriguez. Now you'll have to die sad.

[Whirring.]

Amy: [tearfully] Oh, stop crying or you'll make me cry, too. [sobs]

[Whirring.]

Transition Announcer: The frightened crew members hurried back to Planet Express and huddled in the Professor's laboratory.

[High-pitched frequency.]

Zoidberg: Oy, what a hullabaloo! I'm just glad I don't have ears.

Fry: Aha! I knew somebody didn't have ears!

Farnsworth: Hmm, the sound seems to originate from this mysterious object in Bender's chest.

Bender: No one knows how it got there!

Farnsworth: Well, let's have a look at it.

[Opens chest cavity.]

Farnsworth: Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Scruffy: What is it?

Farnsworth: Incisive question, Scruffy. It's a PCD or Podcast Containment Device. You see, in the 21st century, there were so many podcasts produced that humanity couldn't keep up and the majority went unheard. Before long, there were billions and billions of them! (Most featuring Chris Hardwick.) Something had to give. It was humanity or the podcasts.

Scruffy: Less'n I miss my guess, that's where the PCD come in.

Farnsworth: Exactly so. I've misunderestimated your intellect, Scruffy. All of the podcasts were loaded onto a high-capacity PCD launched into space and abandoned for all eternity on the deleted file planet.

Scruffy: Junkleon 6?

Farnsworth: 7, you imbecile!

Hermes: But, Professor, I've thrown out loads of files, incriminatin' spreadsheets, Fry's opera, Zoidberg's harassment claims, and none of 'em ever came back and started screamin' at me. How is this possible?

Farnsworth: Easily! It's a simple case of complexo genesis, the process by which anything of sufficient complexity comes to life and starts causing a fuss.

[Thunder.]

Klaxxon: Kudos, Professor Farnsworth! You have explained my existence in a way that gets the big picture right, while still mangling all the details!

Leela: Enough gabbing, Klaxxon! Tell us what you want so we can give it to you and go to sleep!

Klaxxon: I told you what I want!

Fry: Well, we weren't listening!

Klaxxon: What I want... is to be heard.

Fry: Ih, sorry, what?

Klaxxon: I WANT TO BE HEARD!!! I'm bursting with facts and stories that no one ever listened to! The Five Interesting Things About Sauerkraut, a Serial investigation of corrupt monkey trainers, The True Story of Zoidberg's Harrassment Complaints!

Hermes: I think we've heard about enough! I'm gonna smash this PCD with my bureaucrat hammer! [grunts] And that's that. Back to work, people.

Leela: I thought it was bedtime.

[High-pitched frequency.]

Zoidberg: Wait a second. I still hear something.

Klaxxon: That's because I'm no longer in the PCD! I know exist as a creature of pure sound! A standing wave of immense amplitude, spanning the entire planetary atmosphere! [maniacal laughter]

[Everyone gasps.]

Klaxxon: Prepare to listen to FIFTY-EIGHT BILLION PODCASTS AT THE SAME TIME!!!

[Radio static.]

Chris Hardwick: Welcome to Nerdist Podcast! This is episode number... one thousand eight hundred and seventy three...

[Various podcasts playing. Everyone screams.]

Farnsworth: Noooo, it's unbearable! We'll go mad, like this! [demented laugh]

Bender: [almost forgetting his line] Oh, also, my mom never heard me on the podcast!

[Dramatic sting.]

Transition Announcer: Wow. There's a lot happening. And on top of everything else, let's not forget Leela's still furious at Fry over that inconsiderate nude 3D sculpture. We just haven't mentioned it in a while. And now, a word from Kloch the Avenger's Borax Flakes: The flake that sterilized Lake Erie.