Transcript:Rebirth

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Transcript for
Rebirth
Written byDavid X. Cohen
Transcribed byFuturama_Freak1, Jasonbres, TheFry, and KifKroker


[The Hypnotoad is shown on screen.]

Bender: [voice over] On the count of three, you will awaken feeling refreshed, as if Futurama had never been cancelled by idiots, then brought back by bigger idiots. 1... 2... [snaps fingers].

[or in some reruns]

Bender: [voice over] This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System. Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes on next. Comin' up next: Futurama! [snaps fingers]

[Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express]
[Scene: Interior shot of Professor Farnsworth's laboratory. The Professor looks as if he's working on some sort of experiment. He catches a fly with some tweezers and drops it in a test tube to burn it. Fry comes in with his hair looking like an afro just like in "Hell is Other Robots".]

Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy.

Farnsworth: OK.

Fry: That's all. [slicks his hair back to normal]
 [pause] Oh, also; I'm covered with severe burns.

Farnsworth: So!? What of it?

Fry: Well, why is– those things?

[Farnsworth gasps.]

Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember?

Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead.

[Farnsworth sighs.]

Farnsworth: Well, I suppose it's for the best, considering the unbearable horrors you've endured. Let's never speak of it again.
 [time lapse] It all began a few days ago. We were interstellar fugitives on the run from the law.

[Flashback: On the Nimbus.]

Zapp: Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel.

[Cut to Planet Express ship. Laser shots. The crew shouts and screams. Zapp begins yodelling. Kif sighs in the same manner as Zapp.]

Farnsworth: [voice over; flashback] And so, as you and Leela kissed goodbye in a tender display of toungesmanship, we plunged into a massive wormhole. Never to be seen again.

[The ship flies through the wormhole, arriving near Earth.]

Bender: Yeah, we're back.

[The crew cheers.]

Hermes: Sweet coincidence of Port-au-Prince, we're back at Earth!

Farnsworth: Of course, that was the Panama Wormhole, Earth's central channel for shipping!

[Zoidberg laughs.]

Zoidberg: How humorous.

Farnsworth: Yes! It's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now!

Amy: I get it!

[Scene: Exterior shot of the Planet Express ship, the Nimbus crawls up upon them and shoots and hits them.]
[Cut to interior Planet Express ship.]

Fry: We've lost power to the forward Game Boy, Mario not responding!

Leela: Brace for emergency landing!

Farnsworth: Rodger that, activate Safety Spheres! [The crew activates their safety spheres, which only covers their heads. Except for Farnsworth's, which covers his entire being.] Also mine has air conditioning.

[Scene: Planet Express Headquarters exterior shot. The hangar door opens. The Planet Express ship crashes into the road next to it. Zapp is still yodelling. The Nimbus crashes into the Planet Express ship.]
[Flashback ends.]

Farnsworth: Yet, thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I surblibed with only tribial bray dablage.

Fry: And the others?

Farnsworth: Right here behind this horror cloth.

Fry: Are they dead?

Farnsworth: Oh, no no no, much worse.

[Farnsworth draws the horror cloth away revealing the heads of the crew, Kif, LaBarbara and Zapp attached to their skeletons hanging by wires. Fry screams.]
[Opening credits.]
[Scene: Fry looks at the birthing machine while the crew's dead bodies hang on the wires over the machine]

Farnsworth: Move over God! Prepare for rebirth! [He pulls a lever and a ray electrocutes him] Wrong switch. [He switches on a normal light switch]

Farnsworth: Come on, stem cells. Work your astounding scientific nonsense!

[The dead bodies drop themselves in the machine stem cells]

Fry: Fetal steam cells? Aren't those controversial?

Farnsworth: In your time yes, but nowadays, shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells harvested from perfectly healthy adults, whom I killed for their stem cells.

[A head gets out from a hole. Farnsworth takes the full body out with some tweezers. The body is revealed to be Hermes]

Fry: Hermes Conrad!

Hermes: [He cries like a baby until Farnsworth slaps his butt] Oh, mon! I'm dripping with placenta! Good thing it's Casual Friday.

[Amy gets out]

Fry: Amy Wong!

Amy: Oh, baby soft!

Farnsworth: [He slaps her butt] Indeed.

[Dr. Zoidberg gets out]

Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg!

Zoidberg: Hermes, my friend! Let me cut off your umbilical cord. [He cuts off something of Hermes] Oops.

[Scruffy, LaBarbara and Kif get out]

Fry: And the rest!

Amy: Hooray, we're back in business!

Zapp: Over my dead body. [The camera zooms out, revealing his body didn't fall, thus it still being a skeleton] Uh, never mind.

[The hole of the machine is moving]

Fry: [Looking inside] Bender! Are the steam cells working? [Bender's antennae gets out and pokes Fry's eye]

Bender: [He gets out and speaks with a weak voice] I'm dying. I need mouth to ass resuscitation.

Fry: I'm on it! [Fry leans down and blows air in Bender's ass offscreen] It's not working!

Bender: [laughs] I die happy knowing you fell for that.

Farnsworth: His power supply is shot! He is flatlining! [He goes to a shelf full of doomsday devices] Only one thing can keep him alive. [He breaks the glass and takes a doomsday device. He goes back to Bender] Possibly this thing. [He turns the device on and puts in inside Bender's chest cabinet. The liquid covering Bender melts and he gets up]

Bender: Woo! I've never felt so energetic! [He dances]

Farnsworth: That's because the doomsday device I shoved all up in you puts out 50 gigawatts. That's ten times your recommended--

Bender: Who are you? My warranty? [He laughs and sits down. An orange light appears in his body]

Farnsworth: For God's sake, Bender! Keep dancing, keep whooping it up! [Bender dances and the light turns off] You must burn off the doomsday energy as fast as it produces, or it will build to critical levels.

Bender: You don't mean...

Farnsworth: Oh, but I do. If you stop partying for a single second, you'll explode and kill everyone here in a fireball of melting gears and splattered bowels.

Bender: Sounds like a party, baby! [He dances]

Fry: Hey! Speaking of splattered bowels, can I cook you a romantic dinner tonight, Leela?... Where's Leela? [Leela gets out of the machine] Is she okay? Why hasn't she acknowledged my dinner offer?

Farnsworth: Something's wrong! She's not responding to my poking stick. [He pokes her with a stick]

Fry: Poke harder, damn it!

Farnsworth: I'm poking as hard as I can! I'm sorry, Fry, [He takes out a device] but I'm afraid Leela is in an irreversible coma.

[Fry is worried]

Bender: [Dancing and singing] Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma, chameleon!

[Scene: Robot Arms Apts]
[Cut to: Fry is with two Lego figures of himself and Leela]

Fry: My soul mate is gone. Why should I go on living?

Bender: Because the pain slowly fades but the love is forever. [He is still dancing]

Fry: But, what if I forget the sweet sound of her voice or the moist touch of her eyeball on my lips?

Bender: Aw! Are you still hung up on Whatshername? Move on already!

Fry: Maybe you're right.

Bender: Maybe I'm always right.

[Montage: Fry walks sadly on the street and sees a café called "Starbabe's Cocoffee", with a cyclops as logo. Then he sees a movie theatre which is now showing a movie called "That Darn Cyclops".]
[End montage: Fry now sees a shop called "Build-A-Bot Workshop" ("for ages 8 to 9").]

Fry: Build-A-Bot Workshop? It's time to start living again!

[Cut to: Inside the shop. Two kids and their mothers are seeing the robot pieces. Some signs say "Build me" and "Add a soul: $5.99". Fry is filling a robot body with wires at the "wiring station", which is a big ball with spinning wires. When he finishes, he inserts the head, which has some purple wires on the top as a horsetail.]

Fry: At least it's something to distract me from Leela. [He adds two eyes] Nah. [One of the eyes falls] Now that I like for some reason.

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The rest of the Nimbus is left there in the giant explosion hole while Scruffy cleans up with a broomstick.]
[Cut to: Planet Express conference room. Fry is hugging Robot Leela.]

Robot Leela: [girl voice] I like jellybeans. Do you?

Fry: I sure do, honey.

Farnsworth: Come now, Fry! You can't live out this sick fantasy! Not without our help.

Hermes: These security tapes record everything at Planet Express. Including the ship, shower, and urinals.

Amy: And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar.

Zoidberg: [with toilet paper in his mouth] Maybe he's just trying to feed his family. [ate the toilet paper]

Hermes: Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela.

[the computer screen shows four screens fast forwarding through many different security tapes featuring Leela]

Computer: Analyzing...analyzing...Checking my eBay bid. [the upper left screen flashes a message saying "Sorry, you've been outbid!"] Dammit. Analysis complete.

[a plug comes out of the computer and Hermes attaches it to the robot]

Fry: Hey, I was nuzzling that!

[the robot slowly morphs into an almost exact duplicate of Leela only without her wristlojackimator]

Computer: Attributes transferred...Shoe size 12...etc.

[Hermes takes the plug out of the impostor, who suddenly gets her arms outstretched in front of her as if she's holding onto a steering wheel]

Robot Leela: Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry! [kisses him]

Bender: Party people in the house say, [gasps dramatically]

Robot Leela: This is wonderful! The last thing I remember I was dying in an explosion. Yet here I am in the flesh more alive than ever!

Fry: Alive? [clears throat]

Hermes: You better tell her, Fry.

Robot Leela: Tell me what?

Hermes: Anyway, my work is done. I'm gonna hit the showers.

[Nibbler goes over to the faux Leela and smells something suspicious]

Robot Leela: Nibbler, come give mama a hug! [he bites her] Ow! What the—?! Bad Nibbler! Bad Nibbler! [she shakes him off and he takes a piece of flesh from her body] What are you doing, pooperdoodle? It's me, Leela.

[She looks at the arm that Nibbler chewed off which reveals her wiring. She screams.]
[Montage: Robot Leela continues screaming and looking at her chewed off arm in front of her locker, while walking down the streets of New New York, while brushing her teeth, and while riding the tube transport system.]
[End montage: Robot Leela finally stops screaming in the Professor's laboratory, which now has the real Leela, still in a coma, in a glass coffin.]

Robot Leela: Am I really just a robot? I mean, I have Leela's memories! Her opinion of gazelles! (Majestic.) Her emotions! (Confused and hurt.)

Fry: I swear. I didn't know this would happen. The only thing I truly know is I love you. [holds her hand, but then looks at the real Leela] I mean her—Wait, help me out here.

[Robot Leela just gives Fry a punch in the face.]
[Scene: Exterior shot of nightclub Studio 122133]
[Scene: Interior shot of same club. People are dancing to generic instrumental disco music. But on the dance floor, people suddenly stop dancing as Bender, dressed up in a white disco suit, pushes through all of them, still partying his excess energy off.]

Bender: Do the Bender! Do the Bender!

Randy: No thank you.

Bender: [threateningly] I said, "Do it!"

[Cut to: Fry and Robot Leela are sitting at a table in the club. Robot Leela now has white bandages on to hide where the wirings are.]

Robot Leela: The truth is, Fry, I still have feelings for you. But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness?

Fry: I agree.

Robot Leela: I need some time to figure this out. Until then, [puts her hand out in friendship] friends?

Fry: [shaking her hand] Okay.

Bender: Listen up, disco dummies, you just flunked outta Bender's College for Party Knowledge!

[Bender keeps dancing and scatting, but this begins to annoy the bouncer and his robot associate who throw him out of the building, leaving Bender helpless on his back.]

Bender: Do the back dance! Do the back dance! Ooh....

[Scene: Exterior of Planet Express]

Farnsworth (v.o.): Good news, everyone...

[Scene: Farnsworth's laboratory]

Farnsworth (cont'd): I'm going to make one final attempt to awaken Leela. [everyone cheers] After all, there's always hope.

Fry: Really?

Farnsworth: [activating some sort of device] No, don't get your hopes up. Frankly, she's just a brainless mound of scabs and pus.

Fry: [disgusted] Oh! I didn't need to hear that.

Farnsworth: No, and you don't need to see this.

[Farnsworth pushes the green button on the remote and mechanical arms drop down from the ceiling and pick the lifeless body of Leela out of her coffin and shakes her all around the room while everyone gasps at the horrific scene.]

Machine: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

[Farnsworth turns the green button and two large air horns drop down next to Leela's airs while explosives go off.]

Machine: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!

[Leela doesn't respond]

Farnsworth: Well, that's it. I'm afraid traditional medicine has failed.

Fry: No! [runs over to Leela's body with a blernsball bat] I refuse to give up! Wake up, Leela! [hits her with the bat on each word] I! Love! You!

Robot Leela: Fry, stop. She's gone.

Farnsworth: Dr. Zoidberg, can you note the time and declare the patient legally dead?

Zoidberg: Can I? That's my specialty.

[Scene: Shot of a planet that looks somewhat similar to Earth. The Planet Express Ship, now completely restored, flies to it.]
[Scene: Exterior shot from the ground of the ship landing on the planet and flying past a sign that reads: "Department of Parks and Monsters Cyclophage Preserve"]
[Cut to: Shot of the crew, including Bender, still partying, gathered around, with bouquets of flowers, the still lifeless body of Leela in her coffin on a pedestal]

Hermes: As you all know, Leela's living will states that in the event of coma, her body is to be fed to the wild Cyclophage, a highly endangered creature that eats only cyclopses.

Bender: [while still partying, holding Leela's wallet and taking her donor card out] Yep, that's what her donor card says. [puts the card back and, as is his nature, steals all the money from the wallet]

Fry: [kisses Leela] Goodbye, my love. [he sobs heavily]

[Birds are heard squawking and giant footsteps rattle the planet.]

Farnsworth: The beast aproacheth.

[Fry and Robot Leela take cover away from the mourners.]

Bender: To the beat y'all! To the beat y'all! I'm dancin' a jig wid ma feets y'all!

Amy (whispering): Bender, cut it out! People are trying to have emotions!

Bender (angry): You think I wanna party? [stops partying] I'm sick of partying! [resumes] Woohoo! More partying! [beatboxes]

[Everyone tries to tell Bender to keep quiet, but he keeps beatboxing until he suddenly emits a flaming belch. The fire from the belch reaches Leela's nose and her eye suddenly opens.]

Leela: Bender, shut the hell up!

[Bender opens his mouth and stares in surprise, as does everyone else, until Bender once again starts rumbling and glowing.]

Farnsworth: Bender, stop shutting the hell up!

Bender: Oh, right. [resumes partying but in a sarcastic way] Leela's back. As if I care. Woo.

[Everyone clamors around Leela.]

Leela: Thanks. It's so nice to wake up and see— [gasps]

[Everyone looks at Fry kissing Robot Leela.]

Fry: Leela?!

Robot Leela: Leela?

Leela: [getting out of her coffin] Leela?

Hermes: Leela.

Leela: [walking towards her duplicate] How is this possible? And can you believe she wore a tank top to my funeral?

Robot Leela: Shut up! [grabbing Leela's arm] We gotta get outta here!

[The trees rustle as the Cyclophage approaches the crew with a mighty roar]

Leela: [grabbing her twin's tank top straps] No, you "Shut up! We gotta get outta here!"

[Everyone runs away as the Cyclophage chases them down and stomps on the coffin that previously held the coma-induced Leela.]
[Everyone is still running away from the Cyclophage except for Bender who cartwheels away]

Bender: Ooh, yeah, baby, come on!

[Everyone runs up the stairs of the ship except Bender who somersaults up]

Bender: All aboard the party ship!

[The ship attempts to get off the ground but it rocks back and forth]
[Cut to: Both Leelas are fighting over the steering wheel]

Leela: There's no room for two captains' butts in this chair!

Robot Leela: There would be if you'd taken a spin class instead of lounging around in a coma!

[The Cyclophage hits the windshield of the ship. The ship finally takes off. The creature attempts to hang onto it but slips. It sticks its tongue onto the bottom of the ship carrying it away with it.]
[Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express ship building]

Leela (v.o.): This is crazy.

[Scene: Interior of Planet Express living room. Leela looks at her robot self up and down.]

Leela: It's like I'm looking at an exact robot duplicate of myself.

Farnsworth: That is what you're looking at.

Leela: Oh. How could you do this, Fry?

Fry: Uh, coma. Sad.

Robot Leela: I have to go! This is just too freaky! [she exits the room out the door]

Fry: Don't get upset, Leela. She's nothing like you.

Leela: I have to go! This is just too freaky! [she exits the room out the door]

[Scene: Exterior shot of the window of the smelloscope room. Fry looks out sadly.]
[Scene: Interior shot of same room.]

Fry: I need cheering up, Bender. I dunno. You wanna go out and party tonight?

Bender: [even though he's still partying] I hate partying! If only I didn't have so much crunk in my badunkadunk! Ooh, yeah! Come on, babe!

Fry (sighing): Why does everything I date run away? I love Leela, always and forever. And if I loved Robot Leela, too...

[cut to reveal Leela eavesdropping on Fry's confession behind the rebirth machine]

Fry (cont'd): ...well, that's only 'cause she had so much of real Leela in her. I thought she loved me, too, but, obviously, I was wrong as usual.

Leela: Wrong again. You were right.

Fry: Leela? Leela Leela?

Leela: Leela Leela. I've been thinking, Fry, if I lost you, I don't think I could stand it, either. I'd probably build a copy of you, too. [kisses him] As long as Robo-Leela's not a jealous type like me, thing will wor—

Robot Leela: I'll kill you, you slut-clops! Hee-ya! [karate kicks her duplicate in the face] He's mine!

Leela: Oh, back off, missy!

[As the two Leelas fight, the door opens and Farnsworth, Amy, Zoidberg and Hermes enter the room.]

Amy: Somebody do something! [gives Fry a gun] Here, take this.

Fry: A gun?! D-Do I really need to—?

Leela: Shoot her! She's the robot!

Robot Leela: No, shoot her! She's the human!

Fry: But-But how do I know who's the human and who's the robot?

Leela: We just told you!

Robot Leela: Yeah, you idiot!

Fry: Okay. Fine. If you're gonna be like that, I'm not shooting anyone. [accidentally drops the gun which shoots at his chest area] Whoa! Right between the lungs. Man, that was close. [screams]

[The camera zooms out to reveal a huge hole in Fry's chest full of wires and gears. Bender keeps partying past him. Both Leelas stop fighting in shock.]

Fry (gasps): I'm a robot, too!

Zoidberg: [picking up an x-ray of Robot Fry] Aha! That explains this growth on your drive shaft.

Robot Fry: But how is this possible?

Farnsworth: Who knows? Oh, I do. Allow me to explain what really happened the day the ship crashed.

[Flashback: The damaged ship flies away from the Nimbus and comes crashing down to Earth.]
[Cut to the interior of the ship where everyone has their head safety spheres on. Fry approaches Leela.]

Fry: I'll protect you, Leela! My love is stronger than the vast majority of explosions!

[He hugs her as the ship crashes]
[Cut to a closeup of the rebirth machine as the camera pans down revealing Farnsworth holding the remains of Fry.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): Fry did in fact save Leela, though at a terrible cost to himself. I tossed him into the stem cells but he just bubbled away like phlegm on a hot sidewalk.

[As the remains of Fry bubble away, the camera pans up to reveal Leela running out crying all the way to Build-a-Bot Workshop.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): Leela was so upset, she went all Blade Runner and built a duplicate...

[Cut to the meeting room with Leela with the Build-a-Bot robot duplicate of Fry, plugging it into the computer]

Farnsworth (v.o): ...then uploaded his personality from the urinal surveillance tapes.

Fry: [from the tape of him at the urinal] I sure love Leela.

[the robot morphs into a duplicate of Fry, who walks closer to Leela]

Farnsworth (v.o.): Alas, in recreating Fry's adorable jelly belly, she had overstuffed him with copper wadding.

[The camera pans down to reveal Robot Fry's belly with sparks on it. Leela and Robot Fry kiss causing Robot Fry to electrocute. Leela becomes a head and a skeleton with Robot Fry covered in severe burns and his hair in an afro like in the beginning of the episode.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): The inevitable static discharged electrocuted Leela and destroyed both of their short-term memories.

[Flashback briefly ends.]

Robot Fry: So that's why I'm so amazed by these things I already knew.

[Flashback resumes.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): What could I do? I hung up Leela with the other bone bags and went to procure the final ingredient for my stem cell brew.

[The Professor looks as if he's working on some sort of experiment. He catches a fly with some tweezers and drops it in a test tube to burn it. Robot Fry comes in with his hair looking like an afro just like in "Hell is Other Robots".]

Robot Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy.

[Flashback ends.]

Leela: My god, I can't believe I'll never see that particular Fry again.

[Suddenly, a body is about to come out of the rebirth machine. Placenta drips out and then the body, which is revealed to be the real Philip J. Fry.]

Fry: Hey, where's my shoes?

[Everyone gasps.]

Robot Fry: Fry!

Fry: [putting on his clothes] Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was already here. Wait, what's with all the Leelas?

Robot Fry: Trust me, don't ask.

Fry: Okay, dork. Listen, I'm gonna hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit, then—

Robot Leela: Hang on! It's time to sort things out. The truth is I love Fry. [points to Robot Fry] That Fry.

Robot Fry: And I love Leela. Any Leela.

Robot Leela: We're robots and we're in love. Let's ditch these meat jackets.

[She tears off her skin revealing a much different looking robot than the Build-a-Bot robot Robot Fry built.]

Robot Fry: Whoa, cool!

[Robot Fry does the same also revealing a different looking robot.]

Robot Fry: [in a voice like a terminator] Hasta la vista, wiener!

Robot Leela: [also in a voice like a terminator] We'll be back...for our stuff.

[They exit the room.]

Amy: Why did their voices change?

Farnsworth: That's the one thing we'll never truly understand.

Fry: Uh, this is a bit awkward. Or is it?

Leela: I'm not sure. I lost track around the second robot.

Fry: Well, you know how I feel. I waited for you for a thousand years. I can wait a little longer.

Bender: Pffft! What a load of mush! I've had it!

[Bender stops partying altogether and once again rumbles and glows.]

Amy (gasps): He's gonna blow!

Farnsworth: Party, Bender! Party for your life!

Bender: No chance, hot pants! I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond!

[The Cyclophage suddenly bursts into the room scaring everyone except Bender.]

Leela: The cyclops eater!

[The creature snarls and sees Leela's one eye and walks toward her. Bender watches on terrified. As he does, his left eye unscrews and his right eye rolls into the center giving him the appearance of a cyclops. The Cyclophage then looks toward Bender.]

Bender: Hold on, mac! It ain't like that!

[The creature grabs Bender and swallows him, but as Bender reaches its throat, he explodes, thus killing the endangered creature. The deceased Cyclophage tumbles over. Bender lifts its mouth and walks right out unharmed.]

Bender: Geez, what's it take to kill me?

[Bender picks up his eye and screws it back in. Farnsworth opens his cavity and looks inside.]

Farnsworth: Bender, you blew out your excess capacity! You're cured!

Bender: [relieved] Oh, sweet mercy. My hellish nightmare is over. I never have to party again.

Fry: Well, that's that, then. We're back, everyone!

Bender: Party!!

[Everyone cheers as Fry and Farnsworth carry Bender and exit the room. About ten seconds after they exit, the body of Zapp Brannigan comes out of the rebirth machine.]

Zapp: Wheeee!

[Closing Credits.]