Transcript:That Darn Katz!

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Transcript for
That Darn Katz!
Written byJosh Weinstein
Transcribed byTeyrn of Highever BENDseventy
Announcer: [voice-over] Cash, cash, cash for your bones! To many bones? Not enough cash? Call Cash Bone! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain tiny ear bones. The leg bone's connected to the Cash Bone!
[Opening Credits: (Or similar product).]
[Scene: Planet Express, Lounge. Nibbler is burying Dark Matter in his litter box.]

Leela: Aw! Nibbler made a bobo for Mamma. I'll pick it up with my super-dupey poopy scoopy. [Nibbler grumbles. A truck can be heard backing up and Leela enters the room, driving a fork-lift.]

[Pan to Planet Express, Sub Basement.]

Amy: Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas.

Amy: Temperature? Woah! The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck! [Leela is emptying Nibbler's litter box in the magma. Amy swears in Cantonese.] Leela, I am collecting data. Can't you dump that somewhere else?

Leela: Not really. It's highly volatile Dark Matter, and some corn.

Amy: But I'm presenting my thesis tomorrow and I've barely had time to prepare.

Farnsworth: Nonsense. You've been my grad student for twelve years. You were ready six years ago.

Amy: What?

Farnsworth: I probably should have told you. Anyway, the important thing is to be relaxed tomorrow.

Amy: Are you sure?

Farnsworth: Yes. Do what you young people do to unwind. Take a joyride in your jalopy. Wear a T-shirt and eat a fish stick. Go!

[Scene: The Hip Joint. Fry, Leela, Bender, Nibbler, Amy and Kif are sitting at a table.]

Kif: Okay, amigos, one teensy drink to help Amy relax. [They drink.]

Amy: Hmmm. I guess I'm still kinda nervous.

Leela: One more teensy drink to help Amy relax. [They press buttons on their glasses and they refill by themselves. They drink again.]

Fry: Still a little nervous? [Amy burps.]

Bender: She's a nervous wreck! [They refill and drink again.]

[Time Lapse: Bender, Fry, Kif and Amy are all dancing. They are clearly drunk. Kif is still drinking.]

Leela: [At the table with Nibbler.] Well, I may not have a man, but at least I've got you, poopsie-doodle. [She pinches his cheek.]

Nibbler: [He drinks.] Leela, it's time you and I had a talk.

Leela: A talk? You can't break up with me. You're my pet!

Nibbler: As much as I enjoy being the object of your misplaced affections, I am also a highly sophisticated being who longs for intelligent conversation.

Leela: Aw, is shnookums not feeling schtimuwated?

Nibbler: An understatement, to say the least. It's time you treated me with respect.

Leela: If you want to be treated like a fellow crew member, fine, but no more purse rides, and no more dressing you up in your cute little sailor suit.

Nibbler: I keep telling you, that's my real naval uniform.

[Time Lapse: Kif and Amy are still dancing. They kiss.]

Kif: Your place or mine?

Amy: Both, but first, this place. [She drags him to the floor. Kif laughing nervously the entire time.]

Hedonism Bot: [Seeing the two of them.] Ooh! Room for one more? [He laughs saucily.]

[Scene: Amy's apartment. Her Alarm Clock goes off. It reads 8:50.]

Amy: I thought I set you for 7:15!

Alarm Clock: Sorry, I hooked up with Bender last night. Dude was all over my snooze button.

Amy: But my doctoral exam is in ten minutes! On Mars! [She runs out of bed but steps in something.] Eww! Kif, did you yack on the floor?

Kif: [He is the puddle Amy walked in.] Yes, I did.

[Scene: Mars University. A Giant Pulsating Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste. A man is stroking a white cat.]

Morris Katz: Where's your candidate, Farnsworth. I have a long list of students to humiliate today. [A door opens and Kif, Leela, Bender, Fry and Amy walk in.] You're late, Miss Wong.

Amy: Oh, God, this is like one of those nightmares. [She is in only her bra and underpants. She screams.]

Farnsworth: Here, take my lab coat. [He offers it to her. He only has suspenders and his underpants underneath it.]

Katz: Allow me to introduce your examining committee in descending order of grumpiness. Professor Ogden Wernstrom.

Farsnworth: Wernstrom!

Katz: Downtown Professor of Applied Physics, Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate.

Tate: I see by your curriculum vitæ that you're a Sagittarius.

Shpeekenshpell: The cow says... Moo.

Farnsworth: [Whispering to Bubblegum.] He proved that 50 years ago, and he's been coasting on it ever since.

Katz: I am the esteemed Professor Morris Katz, and you are wasting my time. Proceed.

Amy: Imagine, if you will...

Katz: Oh, God!

Amy: A gigantic spherical generator, one that could provide unlimited energy, because it's essentially in Perpetual Motion.

Wermstrom: [He and Katz scoff, loudly] Young lady, have you been drinking?

Amy: Well, yes, but that's not revelant. I'm talking about Earth. Earth's the generator. [Shpeekenshpell lands on a sheep and makes a bleating noise.] Suppose this basketball is the whole world.

Tate: [He is spinning a basketball on his finger.] To many young men in the inner city, it is.

Amy: As it spins, it's producing an enormous magnetic field. If we could use that field to generate electric current, we could actually harness the Earth's rotational ener... Ener... [She sneezes.]

Farnsworth: Yes, tapping the Earth's ener-kerchoo. Go on.

Amy: Sorry, I'm super-allergic to cats. Professor Katz, would you mind.

Katz: Miss Wong, I mind everything.

Amy: [Holding a model.] You just need to polarize the Earth's core with a huge static charge, [The cat starts toying with the model.] by ratcheting Superconducting wire down into... [She sneezes.] Sorry.

Katz: Enough. The committee members will now vote yea or nay. Nay.

Wernstrom: Nay.

Tate: Hell nay.

Shpeekenshpell: [He spins to a Horse.] The horse says, doctorate denied.

[Scene: Planet Express. Waterfront. The ship flies in for a landing.]
[Everyone gets off the ship. Amy is still in the Professor's coat.]

Fry: It's okay, Amy. I don't have a fancy degree either, but today I'm a prominent boy in the package delivery field. [After they leave the hangar, Katz's cat leaves the ship.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Meeting Room. The entire crew, plus Nibbler, are seated at the table.]

Nibbler: Now that I'm a full and equal member of the crew, I pledge my loyalty, my perspicacity, and, dare I say it, my friendship.

Hermes: Leela, muzzle that skunk! We can't stop a meeting for some cute, fuzzy, little... [He notices Katz's cat.] Hey, look, a kitty cat.

Amy: [The cat rubs against Amy. Static discharges.] You again? [She sneezes.] Get away you mangy ball of Histamines.

Hermes: [He picks the cat up.] You leave kitty cat alone! [The crew, except for Amy and Nibbler gather around, cooing at the cat.]

Farnsworth: People, please, I'm trying to run a business, so I get to hold kitty. [The crew keeps cooing.]

Fry: Over here. I wanna hold him.

Bender: Aw! Its anus looks like an asterisk.

[Scene: Planet Express. Lounge. Everyone except Amy and Nibbler is still playing with the cat. It is in Nibber's naval uniform.]

Leela: Captain Fuzzytoes reporting for duty. I mean, cutie. [They laugh.]

Nibbler: [Smoking a pipe.] My best friend died in that uniform. I hate that cat!

Amy: If I had a spray bottle, I'd give him such a spritzing.

Nibbler: I'll tell you one thing. Nothing acts that cute without some ulterior motive. [He gets up and does a small dance, cooing in discomfort.]

Amy: Aw! You want your diapey changed? [He coos an affirmative.]

Nibbler: [Laying down.] We'll have to watch its every move. [Amy puts on a fresh diaper.] Powder, please.

[A montage plays where Amy and Nibbler watch the cat. They use jet packs to watch it on the 2nd floor window. They lay a trap, putting milk in a cage for it, which Zoidberg quickly moves into. They watch Leela walking the cat in a stroller as the montage ends.]

Amy: Here's my new theory. That is one adorable cat.

Nibbler: I guess I was just jealous. I do miss being Leela's schnookums. I'm going to apologize and hope for a pity pet. [They look over and gasp.]

Leela: [She is kneeling before the cat.] Yes, my lord. Amy and Nibbler are a tewwible thweat. They must be spayed and neutered, wespectivewy. [Nibbler crouches and hisses like a cat.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Nighttime.]
[The cat meows the Meow Mix jingle. A cat shaped flying saucer descends and echos the jingle in a deep tone. The windows shatter.]

Amy: [She runs into the meeting room, carrying Nibbler.] The cat is evil! We have proof!

Nibbler: It was summoning a saucer!

Farnsworth: Of course it wanted a saucer, you idiot. A saucer of dewicious cweam. [He has a gray cat in his lap.]

Nibbler: You fool, this isn't about the cream.

Bender: It's pwonounced "cweam". [He also has a cat, in his chest cabinet.]

Zoidberg: I'm petting mine down to the bone. [He strokes a cat, causing hair to be chopped off.]

Fry: Just stwoke its fwffy fur.

Hermes: Scwatch its fwubby chin.

Bender: Fweeble its fwooby pwow.

[They all have cats. They hold them out chanting, "Pet it!".]

Amy: No, no! [She sneezes and flees with Nibbler.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Morning. A cat shaped saucer lands in the hangar. The hypnotized crew are unloading boxes, chemicals and a massive ball of yarn.]

Nibbler: What do cats need with that much yarn and cobalt?

Amy: They're doing something downstairs. We've got to find out what. [She follows her coworkers.]

Bender: Where do you think you're going, no-cat?

Amy: Uh, the basement. I think I left the air hockey table on.

Bender: Without a cat, you ain't going nowhere. [He points to a sign that says "All employeez must haz cat to enter!!!".]

Nibbler: Can you at least tell us what's going on down there?

Farnsworth: We're certainly not building something sinister, if that's what your implying. Now, come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself. [They walk into the elevator.]

[Scene: NNY.]

Amy: Professor Katz's last name is Katz. Do you think he has something to do with these cats?

Nibbler: The conclusion is an inescapable as it is moronic. [He wheels out his spaceship.] I say we pay him a visit, and if he won't talk to us, he'll talk to Smith & Wesson, [He pulls out a hand gun.] or, perhaps, Consolidated Head Melter. [He takes out a huge blaster. He and Amy get into the ship and it takes off.]

[Scene: Mars University. Physics Dept. The department is two buildings on a lever and fulcrum. Nibbler's ship lands outside the main building of the Physics Department. The weight change causes the Annex to rise into the air.]
[Scene: Mars University. Outside Katz's office. The door reads Prof. Morris Katz. A taped on piece of paper reads, "Please Leave Before Entering".]

Amy: [She knocks on the door then kicks it in.] Professor Katz, we want answers! [Katz just sits in his chair, with his back to them.]

Nibbler: I warn you, if I have to get cute, it's gonna get ugly. [Katz still doesn't respond. Amy turns the chair.]

Amy: He's dead!

Nibbler: Wait. What are these strings on his lap? [He pulls them and Katz reacts.] What the... He isn't dead. He's one of those dog-operated puppets that's been adapted for use by a cat!

Amy: So I had my doctorate denied by that fuzzball? [She shoots a picture of the cat.] Bad kitty!

[Scene: NNY. Nibbler's ship lands.]
[Scene: Planet Express. Hangar. Amy and Nibbler sneak to the basement door. It reads "Basement stairs. Watch for slinkys". She opens in and they run downstairs.]

Amy: They actually built the planetary ratchet from my thesis! [The remaining crew are operating the ratchet, supervised by cats. Amy sneezes.] Uh-oh.

Nibbler: What the... [Leela is standing in front of them. She kicks the weapons out of their hands.]

Thubanian Leader: Well, look what the me dragged in.

Nibbler: You can talk!

Thubanian Leader: You can talk?

Nibbler: How ironic. Two hyper-intelligent beings both pretending to be simple house pets!

Thubanian Leader: Say, do you know Obliteron? He pretends to be a hamster, but...

Amy: Yeah, that's really great. Could you please tell us what's going on?

Thubanian Leader: What? Oh, right! You see, my associates and I are from the ninth planet of the star you call Thuban. Long ago, life there was ideal. [Flashback: A cat is leaping from scratching posts.] Our sun provided plenty of warm, dozy light. The chicken-salmon roamed free. [Cats pounce on the animals.] Yet disaster loomed. Our planet's rotation was gradually slowing. [Cats are sleeping at night and at day.] At first, it seemed beneficial. Long, dark nights for sleeping, long, sunny days for sleeping. But then it got too hot and too cold. [Cats are meowing in pain, surrounded by fires. Then they are freezing under piles of snow.] Our top scientists went to work, [Cats are looking through a telescope.] At last, they located a planet with the necessary orientation and magnetic field to harness the rotational energy. [The telescope focuses on Earth. End Flashback.]

Nibbler: Earth!

Thubanian Leader: Indubitably. Although we call it Blue Blue Shiny Ball. [Flashback to Egypt, 3,500 B.C. A saucer lands and cats get out, meowing. The Egyptians look surprised.] In the area now known as Egypt, my people constructed a giant, semi-octahedral antenna to beam Earth's rotational energy to Thuban. [Egyptians are seen building a pyramid.]

Thubanian Leader: Yes. The Egyptians viewed us as gods, but ironically that was our downfall. [The cats are surrounded by golden statues and are being fed by the Egyptians.] They pampered us with feasts most fancy and vittles most tender. We grew fat and domesticated. [A fat cat is napping on someone's lap. The cat meows a "Duh"] Thousands of years passed, and our home world was nearing total destruction. [From space, cats can be heard meowing on Thuban. A man the next planet over yells at them to shut up.] But the technology to save our planet was lost. Lost, that is, until I heard you speak at Mars University.

Amy: So you called my thesis a fat sack of barf, and then you stole it?

Thubanian Leader: Welcome to Academia.

Nibbler: He intends to siphon off Earth's rotational energy!

Amy: Earth will come to a stop, and...

Thubanian Leader: Half of you will cook, and half of you will freeze. Earth will be one big McDLT. We just got that commercial last year.

Amy: Oh, yeah, smarty paws? You may have built the ratchet but you can't reach the core without 4,000 miles of superconducting wire. [She gasps.] The ball of yarn! [Cats are unraveling the "yarn" and it is being ratcheted down.]

Thubanian Leader: Quite.

Nibbler: Even so, you'd still need a tremendously powerful static charge to trigger the process.

Thubanian Leader: Ever had a cat rub up against you?

Nibbler: If you're propositioning me, I'm not interested.

Thubanian Leader: I'm talking about the charge generated when 50,000 felines rub against a single surface. Professor?

[The Professor stops turning the machine and activates a can opener in the kitchen. The sound is magnified by speaker system. All over the city, cats hear it and run to Planet Express. They rub against the outer walls, creating a static charge. The machine starts and the Earth can be seen slowing.]

Thubanian Leader: Soon the world will come to a stop, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. The stopping of the world, that is. It's unstoppable. [He gives an evil laugh.] Excuse me. [He starts chewing on his paw.]

[Time Lapse.]

Thubanian Leader: The Earth is coming to a stop. Keep your eyes on the kitties and push! [The crew are being entranced by the sight of cats playing.]

Nibbler: [Locked in a pet carrier with Amy.] These space cats seem to be employing some form of hypnotic hyper-cuteness. Well, two can play that game. And one of them is me. [He puts on a face and starts cooing.]

Leela: Nibbler? Poopsie-doodle? [The hypnotized crew stop and looks at Nibbler.]

Thubanian Leader: Mr. Winkles, Smudge-Smudge. Quick, dance with each other.

[Zoidberg and Bender's cats start dancing together. The crew coos and resumes operating the ratchet.]

Nibbler: Aw! [He shakes himself.] Damn, they are good.

[The building starts shaking.]

Thubanian Leader: We're coming to a full stop. All cats, to your posts!

[The cats jump onto scratching posts. The Earth stops.]
[Scene: Space. The Hawaiian Islands crash into each other. The Eiffel Tower gets blown away, replaced by Big Ben. The Statue of Liberty crashes into Big Ben.]
[Scene: Hollywood. Calculon is directing a film.]

Calculon: Catastrophe Beach Party. Scene One. Cue disaster effects, and action! [The entire studio gets through the air. The walls of the building fly off and the letters to the "Hollywood" sign follow. A man screams while shooting away.]

Calculon: Cut! That extra looked at the camera. We'll have to do it again.

[Scene: Planet Express. The crew are thrown against a wall, the cats barely hold onto their posts. The pet carrier breaks.]

Thubanian Leader: And now to transfer your planet's rotational energy to my home world. [He pulls a lever and a large amount of energy blast from the pyramids into space. It hits Thuban 9 and the planet starts spinning.]

[Scene: Thuban 9. The rotational energy hits a pyramid.]

Thubanian: [Seeing their planet start to rotate.] Well, now, this calls for a celebration. [All the Thubanians nearby start to Can-can.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Basement.]

Hermes: What's all this cat hair on my sweater? [He rubs at the "H" on his sweater and it dissipates.]

Bender: And why am I full of sand? And Tootsie Rolls?

Nibbler: You were all under the spell of those obnoxious space cats.

Thubanian Leader: [The Thubanians are leaving.] Enjoy being broiled alive by the Sun and also the dead bird we've left in your slipper. [He laughs then leaves.]

[Scene: Space. The Earth is cooked by the Sun.]

Farnsworth: Quickly! If we turn the ratchet the other way, perhaps we can restart the Earth. [The ratchet won't move.]

Hermes: It won't turn. Push harder, Bender!

Bender: I can't. You should have called my cousin, Turner.

[Scene: Planet Express. Lounge. The crew are all trying to keep cool.]

Amy: It's hopeless. Even in theory the device can only apply force in one direction.

Fry: Can someone open a window? It's getting a little warm in here.

Bender: [He opens a window and gets hit by flames.] Is that better?

[Scene: NNY. The city is burning.]
[On a sidewalk, Gus fries an egg, only to be turned over like an egg by Horrible Gelatinous Blob.]
[Scene: Planet Express. Lounge.]

Amy: Shmezzus, it's hot! Why'd I have to invent that awful device?

Farnsworth: Amy, technology isn't intrinsically good or evil. It's how it's used. Like the death ray.

Amy: Maybe you're right. I guess that science has to keep pushing forward with the hope that... [She gasps.] That's it! Pushing forward! Professor, I know how to restart the Earth.

Farnsworth: [He scoffs.] You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words. [He gasps.] That's it. I'll assemble your committee!

[Scene: Planet Express. Meeting Room. The crew and Amy's doctoral committee are looking at a hologram of the Earth.]

Amy: The ratchet won't turn backwards, but what if we kept pushing it forward? [She demonstrates on the hologram.] Earth would start turning again.

Wernstrom: Yes, the wrong direction! [He laughs.]

Amy: So?

Tate: Gentlemen, [Sexfully.] ladies, [Normally.] let's get this globe trotting.

[Scene: Planet Express. Basement. Everyone is turning the ratchet.]

Amy: [Reading a device.] It's working! Just a little faster!

Zoidberg: But we're plotzing here!

Amy: Then look at Nibbler! [Nibbler is in his naval uniform. He does a little dance. Everyone speeds up.]

[Energy is leaving from the frozen pyramid of Thuban 9.]
[Scene: Thuban 9.]

Thubanian Leader: [Addressing numerous other Thubanians.] On the whole, Earth's society is worthless. But they do these things called antique rugs that are great for peeing on. [Thuban 9 starts shaking as the rotational energy is returned to Earth. The cats go flying.]

[The energy returns to Earth and the planet resumes spinning. People cheer.]
[Scene: Mars University.]

Farnsworth: And though the world is now spinning in the wrong direction, it's good enough. Well done, Amy.

Wernstrom: I'm honored to begrudgingly present you with your Ph.D. in applied physics.

Tate: Also, some kind of sportsmanship award I had in my glove compartment.

Amy: Yay! I'm finally done with school. How's the job market?

Shpeekenshpell: [He spins to a dog.] Ruff!

Farnsworth: Congratulations, Dr. Wong!

[Everyone cheers and applauds.]

Kif: Congratulations.

Nibbler: [Still dressing in his naval uniform.] Permission to come aboard?

Leela: Granted, schnookums. [Nibbler climbs into Leela's lap and settles.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Waterfront.]

Farnsworth: You've got a bright future, Amy. As sure as the Sun sets in the east.

[Closing Credits.]