Transcript:The Bots and the Bees

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Transcript for
The Bots and the Bees
Written by	Eric Horsted
Transcribed by	Sanfazer, Roboto63, and Jasonbres

[Scene: Exterior of Planet Express building, night. Everything is quiet, until green lights and alarms start going off from inside. Shot of startled passersby walking their alien pets. Shot of the antenna of the building going down and being replaced by a giant searchlight.]

Farnsworth: [voiceover] Planet Express crew, report to headquarters immediately! Repeat: what I just said, immediately!!

[While Farnsworth says this, the searchlight flashes a giant Planet Express logo a la the Batsignal.]

[Scene: Exterior Amy's house. Amy runs out the door zipping up her sweatsuit and sees the signal. She notices Randy parking his hovercar.]

Amy: [throwing Randy out] Sorry, Randy. [Randy screams as she goes into the car] Step away from the car and no one gets hurt!

[Randy does not listen to her warning as she bumps into him and rides off into the sky.]

[Scene: Trashcan. Zoidberg pops out and sees the signal.]

Zoidberg: To the employment cave!

[Zoidberg struggles to get out of the can, but ends up rolling away. The camera pans up to Hermes' house.]

[Scene: Interior of Hermes' house. Hermes looks out the window and sees the signal. He turns to LaBarbara who gives him his lunch.]

Hermes: Thanks, dear. Off to work.

[Hermes kisses his wife goodbye and crashes out the window. As soon as he leaves, Barbados Slim peers from behind the stairs.]

[Scene: Outside New New York. Hermes is still falling. He takes out his parachute, which has the Jamaican flag on it.]

[Scene: Another part of New New York. Scruffy is seen riding something as evidenced by the sound of hoofbeats.]

Scruffy: [whipping] Hyah! Hyah!

[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. It is revealed that what Scruffy was riding was a llama.]

Scruffy: Ho! Hold it, girl! [He gets off the llama.] G'on now. Gid on back ta Paraguay.

[Scruffy slaps the llama with his cap, who bleats and runs away. The camera pans up to the sky]

[Scene: Exterior, space. The camera zooms in on a giant spider web along with a giant space spider that has the Planet Express Ship in its clutches.]

[Cut to: Interior, ship. Once again, the ship is in peril and in massive disrepair with Bender, Leela, and Fry afraid for their lives.]

Fry: We're bein' eaten by a giant spider!

[The Planet Express logo flashes all over the ship.]

Leela: There's no time for that! The Professor needs us!

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express building, later that morning. The ship goes into the building suddenly having no evidence of any damage done by the spider.]

[Scene: Interior of the building. Leela, Bender, and Fry climb up the ladder to the conference room. Fry, being the dumb klutz that he is, trips and falls but gets back up. Cut to one of the doors where Amy runs in followed by a very dirty Zoidberg scuttling and whooping in.]

[Cut to: The conference room. Amy and Zoidberg join Hermes, still hanging from his parachute, Scruffy, Leela, Bender and Fry where they see a chair hanging upside down. The chair turns over revealing Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: Ih, crew, [lowering the chair to the ground] as you know, I've delivered a lot of good news in the past. But what I'm about to lay down is, by far, the greatest announcement in the history of Planet Express!

[The crew mutters in excitement.]

Fry: What is it? I'm on the edge of my butt!

Farnsworth: Ladies and gentlemen, [standing up and walking toward something covered in a dust cloth] feast your eyes on our amazing new... [takes off the cloth and revealing a purple beverage machine] soda machine!

[At first, the crew is confused by this announcement, but they suddenly cheer and run toward the machine. Zoidberg kneels down before it.]

Zoidberg: You undersold it, Professor!

Fry: [pointing to one of the buttons] Look, it has Slurm Loco! It's the extremeiest!

[The spot where two beverage cups once stood is replaced by an electronic feminine face.]

Soda Machine: Hey, what can I get y'all?

Fry: Wow! You can talk! [angry and taking out a quarter] Shut up and give me a Slurm Loco!

[Fry puts a quarter in the machine, and it dispenses a cup and pours some Slurm Loco. Fry takes the cup and starts gulping.]

Bender: Ooh ooh! Hey, drink machine, what kind of alcoholic sodas you got?

Soda Machine: Y'all can't drink at work! This ain't a saw mill!

Bender: No alcohol?! Pfft, an' you got the nerve to call yourself a beverage machine?!

Soda machine: I call myself "Bev". An' if you're lookin' for a smelly ol' can o' booze, go look in the mirror!

Fry: Oh, snap!

Bender: Wooooh—

Hermes: No, now, everybody, calm down.

Fry: [walking towards Bev with a quarter] Yeah, I need one more Slurm. [Fry puts the quarter in and Bev gives Fry another Slurm Loco. While he drinks it, he puts another quarter in and gets another.] And one more to wash that Slurm taste outta my mouth. [While he drinks, he puts in yet another quarter and gets another drink.]

[Scene: Outside Planet Express building, sometime later.]

[Scene: Interior, Planet Express living room. Leela, Hermes and Bender on the couch and Amy and Zoidberg on the floor are watching All My Circuits on the TV. Fry enters the room.]

Fry: So I went to the bathroom an' my pee was green. [putting another quarter in Bev] Pretty neat, huh?

Hermes: I was wondering who shrek'd in the toilet.

[When Fry gets another cup, Bender approaches Bev.]

Bender: I hope you're proud o' yourself, Bev! [putting his shoulder on the drinking Fry] You've turned this perfectly worthless loser into an addict!

Bev: Cut me some slack, preacher! [moving in closer to Bender] I'm just a cold grinder's daughter tryin' ta stay off the pole.

Bender: With that big ol' caboose, it'd hafta be a telephone pole! [a la Ed McMahon] Hey-Yo! [Bender laughs and flips the bird to Bev with both of his hands]

Bev: Well, I guess a fella's gotta talk big when he's sportin' a little shriveled-up antenna like that.

Bender: What?! You—ih—For your information, "madam", it's a grower, not a show-er!

[Bender leaves the room angrily.]

[Scene: Exterior of the Hip Joint, night.]

[Cut to: Interior of the Hip Joint. Bender is at the bar with a beer in his hand very angry.]

Bender: My antenna's fine! It's just fine! Ladies can't get enough Bender!

[Ruth and Esther approach the bar and sit next to Bender.]

Esther: [to the offscreen bartender] I need to loosen up. Gimme a screwdriver.

[A robot arm gives Esther her order.]

Bender: Helloooooo! Who's your half-dumb friend?

Ruth and Esther: Me.

Bender: Sure, why not?

[The fembots scream and giggle.]

[Scene: Exterior of Planet Express building, late night. Pan to one of the windows where a bright green light is.]

[Scene: Interior, the Planet Express employee lounge. Bender is snogging Ruth in the dark and then switches to Esther.]

Esther: Hang on. It's too bright in here. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a little romance in an orgy.

Ruth: Let's switch off this weird light.

[Zoom out to reveal that the weird light is actually Fry with drink in hand, whose skin is now a bright neon green.]

Fry: [As Ruth tries to switch him off] Yow!

Bender: [turning on a lamp] Fry, it's two a.m.! What're ya doin' here glowin' on my skanks?

Fry: [putting another quarter in Bev] Just sittin' here turnin' quarters into urine. [slurps his Slurm]

Ruth: [getting off the couch with her friend] We don't gotta put up with this! We got polyside degrees.

Bender: Woah woah woah! Hang on! [getting up] I'll just politely escort him in the gutter!

[Bender drags the glowing Fry out of the room.]

Bender: Scram, shiny!

[He kicks Fry out with his footcup.]

Bender: All right! How we feelin'?

Ruth: Hot. I could bake a potato in my cleavage.

Esther: Yeah, I need a seltzer.

Bender: [sighs] I'd be honored to purchase you a refreshment. [to Bev] Uh, hey, drink machine, ya got anything classy for these delicate flowers?

Bev: I ain't makin' drinks for no trashy robosluts!

Esther: Trashy? At least I don't put out for quarters!

[Bev becomes angry, and sprays soda water on the two of them.]

Esther: Hey!

[Bender starts taking photos of the two with his camera.]

Bender: [sarcastically] Hey! Stop that...drink machine! Stop it, I say!

[Bev stops spraying soda water on the two of them.]

Esther: That's it! We're outta here!

[She and Ruth start to walk away.]

Ruth: C'mon. We'll split a blintz.

Bender: Wait! Gimme a chance to defend your honor. And then sell it to you on the couch!

[Ruth and Esther walk out the door, which closes behind them. Bender turns back, facing Bev.]

Bender: All right. I've been waitin' all day for an excuse to hit a lady![He rolls up his sleeves.]

Bev: You try it and I'll bash yo' face in!

Bender: Ooh! I'm so scared...no-arms!

[Bev falls down on Bender, and gets back up. Bender lunges at her, and they land on the couch. They continue to fight, knocking down several items.]

Bev: Want some of this? [She repeatedly bashes her body against the wall onto Bender. Bender continues attempting to punch Bev. With each punch, Bev bashes him against the wall again. Their grunts of pain slowly turn into grunts of pleasure. She pushes her body on him slower.]

<poem>Bender: Interesting!

[Scene: Exterior Planet Express building, the next day.]

[Scene: Interior, Planet Express conference room. Fry, even more green than earlier that night, is drinking his umpeenth cup of Slurm.]

Leela: Uh, Fry, you're glowing like the Human Torch on prom night.

Amy: Shouldn't you be standing on a rocky coast somewhere preventing shipwrecks?

[Amy, Bender, Zoidberg, Hermes and Leela all laugh.]

Fry: [putting another quarter in] Nice! Hate me because of the brightness of my skin!

[Before Fry takes the cup, Bev groans and squirts some Slurm out into the cup.]

Fry: You okay, ma'am? I think your soda water broke.

[Bev squirts something else out of her spout into Fry's cup. Fry takes the cup and looks inside and hears something cry.]

Fry: My God! Bev just had a baby in my cup!

[The crew cowers in fear and disgust.]

Fry: I know, right?

[Fry is about to drink out of the cup, but Leela snatches it away from him.]

Leela: I better take that. [Leela takes the baby out of the cup and holds it in her hand and smiles as the crew looks at it.] Aw, he's so cute. [Looks again.] Wait, no he isn't.

[Close up on the baby who looks like a tiny version of Bender with an input cable for an umbillical cord.]

Leela (cont'd): He looks like Bender!

[musical sting as the crew gasps and looks at Bender, who is lazing around and smoking a stogy.]

Bender: Oh, no no no! No way am I that kid's dad!

Baby: Wipe my tiny metal ass!

Bender: Ah, crap.

[Scene: The employee lounge. Hermes, Amy, Leela, Farnsworth, Zoidberg and the still bright green Fry and gathered around Bev with her son in a blanket wrapped around her. Bender meanwhile paces the floor.]

Baby: Mama, thirsty!

Bev: Hang on, dumplin'. My milk's comin' in.

[Close-up on Bev's buttons and suddenly a milk button appears between the Slurm Loco and Slurm buttons. The baby pushes the milk button and a hose appears from Bev and into the baby's mouth, who is satisfied.]

Zoidberg: Uch! In public?!

Bender: Ah, biscuits! I'm a father?! How did this happen?!!

Bev: [eyeing toward Bender's formation in the wall] Does this ring a bell?

Bender: Are you tellin' me the stuff we did in private and also twice on the sidewalk made a baby robot? How?!

Amy: Aw, Bender, didn't your mom ever tell you where robot babies come from?

Bender: No. She was a religious fundamentalist. Plus she didn't have a mouth. It's an unusual combination.

Farnsworth: Come on, everyone. Let's take Bender to the teen center to learn about the bots and the bees.

[Scene: Exterior of the teen center. There is a sign outside that says "THE ROSIE D. AND ROBBIE T. ROBOT TEEN CENTER.]

[Scene: Interior of the teen center. The spotty teen robot, Tinny Tim, and Fat-bot are inside playing ping-pong. There are also bulletin boards, two arcade games, a cabinet, and a television on a stand with chairs around it. The Planet Express crew enter the room.]

Leela: It's okay, Bender. No one here will laugh at you for not knowing where robot babies come from.

[The other teen robots in the room, contrary to what Leela said, actually do laugh but then hang their heads and sigh.]

Tinny Tim: We don't know, either.

Farsworth: [holding a videocasette labelled "ROBOT SEX ED: DIRECTOR'S CUT"] Then prepare to be embarrassed.

[Farnsworth puts the tape in the VCR. The TV turns on.]

Narrator: [reading title screen] SEX ED. VOLUME ONE or PANTS FULL of SHAME!

[Cut to: A teen robot walking on a sidewalk]

Narrator: Meet Gerald, a maturing young robot.

Spotty Teen Robot: Hey, he looks like me!

Narrator: His hideous appearance is a byproduct of his hardware gearing up for an important mission: reproduction.

Fat-bot: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Narrator: Since factories can't manufacture enough robots to meet demand, robots can also reproduce by mating.

Bender: Aw, now you tell me!

Narrator: First, Gerald must find a female robot. The best he can do is Francine.

[Cut to a fembot, who buzzes.]

Narrator: After beer and hot wings at a local gas station, the two enjoy intimate time behind a dumpster. It's all perfectly natural. Let's watch, aroused, as Gerald's antenna uploads a binary file to Francine's internal drive.

[A series of ones and zeros become sperm and go into a hard drive.]

Narrator: Manufacturing specs from each parent are then merged by a randomized algorithm and the resulting code guides assembly of a new robot. [Gerald and Francine's baby blows a raspberry.] Yes, everything your body does is perfectly natural.

[The spotty teen robot and Fat-bot high five each other.]

Narrator: Except masturbation! That's...just...wrong!!!

[The teen robots hang their heads in shame.]

[Title Screen: THE END]

[The TV turns off.]

Bender: Daaaw, I can't believe I made a kid! I'm not ready! There's so much in the world I haven't stolen yet!

Leela: Relax, Bender. No one would let you near a child. Bev will get custody and you'll be a deadbeat dad who never even bothers to know his own son.

Bender: [wiping a tear away] You really think so?

Leela: I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way.

Bender: [still sobbing] You're sweet, Leela.

[Scene: Overhead exterior shot of Planet Express building.]

[Scene: Interior of Planet Express employee lounge. The baby is on the floor giggling and playing with building blocks that have ones and zeros on them. Bender enters the room.]

Bender: Sorry, Bev, but I ain't cut out for fatherhood. [pulls out a document that says "CERTIFICATE of ABANDONMENT" on it] So here's my certificate of abandonment drawn up by our notary.

[Scruffy enters with a stamp in his hand and reading glasses on.]

Scruffy: That'll be ten bucks.

[The camera cuts to Bender taping the document onto Bev with Fry in the background drinking.]

Bender: Now take your kid an' hit the soup line! [laughs]

[Bev turns around with electronic tears in her electronic eyes.]

Bev: Oh, no, you don't, mister! Damn baby's drivin' me crazy! [The baby continues giggling.] He won't stop giggling no matter how much I scream at 'im! [sobs]

Fry: [approaching Bev] There, there. [puts another quarter in and drinks]

Bev: I still got womanly needs! Who's gonna look twice at me with this dirty leash hangin' off my dairy nozzle?

Bender: [crossing his arms] Well, not me, that's for sure!

Bev: [off-screen] Then it's settled! [leaving the room] He's all yours, pappy!

Bender: Hey, wait! You can't le— Wha?

[Too late, as Bev leaves and Bender almost goes after her. He then looks behind him at his abandoned son who begins to wail. Bender picks him up and wails with him.]

[Scene: Exterior of the Robot Arms Apartment.]

[Scene: Interior of Bender and Fry's room. Close-up on Bender with bloodshot eyes. He rocks his still-crying son to sleep in a cradle. After a while, his son finally falls asleep and drools. Bender sighs and walks over to a chair with an anvil tied to a rope over it. He sits down and takes a saw out of his chest cabinet and proceeds to saw the rope, lowering the anvil a little. This wakes up his son who resumes crying.]

Bender: What th—?! Ah, can't I have one moment to myself?!! [picks his son and cradles him in his arms]

[The jolly green doofus known as Fry walks out of his bedroom rubbing one of his eyes.]

Bender: Why can't you sleep?

[Close-up on Fry now surrounded by moths]

Fry: I left my window open and moths got in.

[Bender puts his son in a high chair as Fry climbs onto the sofa.]

Bender: I swear if I wasn't such a great dad, I'd grab his ugly little neck and— [He grabs the coat hanger and bends it.]

[Bender's son suddenly stops crying and starts giggling.]

Bender: Hey, he stopped screamin' for a second.

Fry: Bend some other stuff!

[Bender picks up a fork and bends it to is son's delight, then bends a blernsball bat and Fry's bright green left leg. Fry screams in pain.]

Bender's Son: Bend! Bend!

Bender: He loves bending! Just like me! [He picks up his son and holds him in his arms.] Aw! I'm gonna call 'im Ben. After the first half o' me, Bender! [Ben burps, and fire comes out.] That's my bastard!

[Montage: A park. Bender and Ben are walking together, holding fishing equipment.]

[Cut to: A bridge. Bender and Ben are fishing. They use their rods to steal Sal's wallet and the Queen of Yonkers' crown. They give each other high-fives.]

[Cut to: A road. Ben and Bender are biking. The camera zooms out, revealing that Ben is using Bender's body is a bike. They crash through the doors of BoozMart. They run out, panting and carrying bags of alcohol.]

[Cut to: A playground. Ben is seated at a swing set. Bender pushes the swing three times. The third push sends Ben crashing through a window. An alarm rings. The camera zooms out, revealing the building to be the Bank of NNY. Ben reappears, carrying a bag of money. He jumps out of the window and lands in Bender's arms. The two laugh. Gunshots are then fired at them.]

Bender: Uh-oh.

[The two flee, still laughing.]

[Scene: The Planet Express laboratory. Bender is bending a girder.]

Ben: Bend it, daddy! Bend it like it called you poo-poo face!

Bender: It called me what?!? Ooooh! God damn!

[Bender bends the girder harder, twisting it into the shape of a pretzel.]

Ben: Yay! You bended it like a p'etzel!

[Bender drops the girder. Wires, machinery and pipes now hang from the ceiling.]

Bender: Okay. Now, you.

[Bender takes out a box labeled "TRAiNiNG GiRDERS" and hands Ben a miniature girder. Ben takes the girder and attempts to bend it.]

Ben: I can't do it!

[Ben throws the girder to the ground.]

Bender: Eh, buddy. You're learnin'. You'll get there.

Leela: Bender, I was wrong. You're a fine parent and I want to apologi—

Bender and Ben: Leela was wrong! Leela was wrong! [they laugh]

Ben: Daddy, how'd you get so good at bending?

Bender: I inherited my arm-control software from my mom. That's how it's passed down. Mother to son.

Ben: But...my mommy had no arms. Does that mean I can never be a bender?

Bender: Well, sure you can. You just need to get a bending card installed.

Farnsworth: [opening a compartment in Ben's head] I hate to crush a boy's dreams, but... [happy] What the heck! [back to normal] He has only one expansion slot and it holds his memory card. This Robot will never bend!

Bender: Don't tell my son what he can an' can't do! You may know what's in his head, [screaming] but you don't know what's in his heart!

Farnsworth: There's no slot in there either.

Bender: I said "shut up"!

[Scene: Exterior of the Temple of Robotology]

[Scene: Interior of the temple, there is a sign that says: "BOT-MITZVAH FOR BEN "VENDING" RODRIGUEZ — HAPPY In(bΩer)"]

[Scene: On the stage, Reverend Preacherbot is at the podium with a now adolescent Ben next to him]

Reverend Preacherbot: Today marks young Ben's thirteenth day of bein' left on contin-yussly! So, b'fo the lawd at this congregation, we upgrade him to manhoodbot! Can I get a "mazl tov"?

[Cut to green Fry, drinking, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Farnsworth, Amy and Zoidberg in their Sunday best.]

Leela, Bender, Hermes, Farnsworth, Amy and Zoidberg: Mazl tov!

Fry: [gargled] Mazl tov!

[Ben takes the podium]

Ben: I'd like to thank the Preacherbot for the introduction and also for not circumcising me again. Am I right? [the Planet Express crew laughs at this bad joke] Twice was enough. But seriously, today, I'm not just a manbot, I'm the luckiest manbot alive. My mom may have abandoned me, but I have the greatest dad in the whole universe. He's patient, he's not afraid to show his emotions....

Bender: [very emoitonal] Don't look at me!

Ben: ...and someday, if my dreams come true, I'll be a bender, just like him.

Hermes: You must be so proud of your boy.

Bender: [sniffles] I can take 'im or leave 'im.

[The celebration is interrupted by Bev, who crashes through one of the stained-glass windows into the temple.]

Bev: I'm back for my son! I've come to take him and leave with him!

[The crew gasps]

Hermes: [to Bender] She beat you to both things!

References

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