Transcript:The Duh-Vinci Code

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Transcript for
The Duh-Vinci Code
Written byMaiya Williams
Transcribed byTeyrn of Highever


[Opening Credits: Put on 3-D monocle now.]
[Scene: Set of Who Dares to Be a Millionaire? Morbo is seated in the center, surrounded by an audience.]

Morbo: [Angrily] Silence, puny audience. And welcome to Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, [Calmly] as I chitchat with out first contestant, Philip J. Fry.

[The audience applauds while Fry descends from the ceiling in a rocket powered chair. He waves. A sign reads: "Applaud or be destroyed".]

Bender: [In audience.] Give him hell, Morbo!

Morbo: [Angrily] Prepare for pleasantries. [Calmly] So Fry, what do you do for a living?

Fry: Me? Um, can I phone a friend?

Morbo: [Angrily] Chitchat achieved! [Dramatic music plays, lights turn on and the game begins.] Are you ready to play?

Fry: I didn't come to play. I came to win. Now let's play.

Morbo: For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, A nail? C...

Fry: B, nail, final answer! [A buzzer sounds and Fry's chair blasts off.]

[Scene: Planet Express, meeting room.]

Hermes: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak?

Fry: I never stop to think about it.

Leela: Aw, leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty.

[Hermes, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg all nod.]

Bender: [Pointing at Fry] You big dummy!

Fry: Hey, I'm begining to think you guys don't think I'm very smart.

Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name, Einstein.

Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember. [The Professor pokes him in the eye with the Fing-Longer]. Ow!

Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative.

Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew!

Fry: [He sniffles] But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?

Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come, lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.

[Scene: Planet Express, the Professor's study.]

Farnsworth: All my life I've been inspired by great minds. Euclid, Copernicus, Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo da Vinci. [He gestures to a bust of each.]

Fry: What turned them to stone?

Farnsworth: [He slaps his forehead and sighs] da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor. [He pulls up the head of da Vinci, revealing a button. He presses it. A shelf rises into the ceiling, revealing a lit cabinet with various sketches and models on shelves.] Voilà! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines.

Fry: [He takes a beard from the cabinet] Uh-oh! Nibbler died in the wall.

Farnsworth: That's not Nibbler. That's my most precious possession. Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts. I suppose if I have an Achilles' heel, it's because I bought it at that same auction. [He shows Fry a glass foot with a heel bone in it.]

Fry: [Wearing the beard] Indeed so. Most indeededly.

Farnsworth: Careful with that, you fool! [Fry sneezes, causing the beard to separate into individual hairs] No! No! But possibly yes. [A scroll is behind Fry's mouth]

Fry: What is it, Professor?

Farnsworth: [He unravels and unfolds the scroll] Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention. Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at least, neither do I!

Fry: Maybe we can figure it out.

Farnsworth: We? [He cackles insanely]

[Scene: Outside Planet Express.]

Fry: Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts. [He is run over by a hoverbus.]

[Scene: Planet Express, Meeting Room. Fry walks in, he is on crutches, has a broken leg and bandages wrapped around his head.]

Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.

Farnsworth: Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention.

Fry: Not even a card.

Farnsowrth: He might have hidden a clue in one of his other works. Ergo, I sent Bender out for a copy of the Last Supper.

Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I just brought the original. [He drags in a stone slab with the Last Supper on it.]

Amy: [She points to something on the painting.] That's odd. This hand here doesn't belong to anybody. And it's pointing a knife at James the Lesser!

Bender: That's the great thing about that hand.

Hermes: [He points to a different part of the painting.] And what about these funky table legs? It's like their part of some other, funkier painting.

Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a pentimento.

Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that?

Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History.

Farnsworth: Let's see what's under the Last Supper. [He pressed a remote and a laser-like device descends from the ceiling. It fires at Hermes, allowing us to see through him.]

Hermes: Wait a second, I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat.

Farnsworth: [He nudges the machine.] My God! Look! [The crew gasps.]

Amy: My God! I'm looking!

[The table legs are revealed to be part of a wooden robot.]

Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot!

Zoidberg: My God! da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.

Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery of all time. We must fly to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.

Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?

Farnsworth: To the ship!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off into space, only to turn and land in Italy.]
[Scene: Rome. The ship flies past a sign that says "Future-Roma" and go to the Vatican. The Space Pope signals them down. The ship lands on the Vatican obelisk, which perforates the ship.]
[Scene: Rome, catacombs.]

Fry: Psst. Leela, wanna join the Mile-Deep Club?

Leela: Sure, why not?

Farnswoth: No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history. [Fry groans. They walk to a tomb.] Look at these Roman numerals.

Fry: Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome.

Farnsworth: [He hits Fry with a torch.] Don't be stupid. It's a long lost mathematical code. I'll need to consult these ancient writings. [He pulls out a book and blows the dust off it. It is The da Vinci Code.] Some preposterous hog-wash about the Fibonacci Sequence. Aha! The markings indicate how many paces we need to take. One ... Okay, we're there. [In front of them is a tomb that reads "JAMES". ]

Bender: Brothers and sisters, let us pry. [He pulls a crowbar out of his chest cabinet and opens the tomb. A robot is in there]

Farnsworth: It's true, Saint James really was a robot.

Bender: I bet he's up in Robot Heaven right now. So he won't miss his eyes. [He attempts to remove them with a screwdriver.]

[A mouse squeaks and runs into the wheel on Saint James' chest and begins running. Saint James stands up.

Fry: My God! Robot Saint James is a zombie.

Animatronio: Nay, I am not Saint James.

Bender: Enough of your lies, Saint James. We saw you in the Last Supper.

Animatronio: The great man Leonardo built me as an artist's model. When I took repose in this coffin, I carefully tossed the real Saint James in yonder heap. [A skeleton is nearby.] I'm sure you have many questions. Come, there is a chamber where I used to speak with Pope John the Patient.

[Scene: Underground Chamber.]

Animatronio: [He sighs. The Pope's skeleton is still seated in a chair, wearing his hat.] I told him I'd be back in five minutes. Ah well, he'll make a nice heap. [He dumps the body and sits in the chair himself.] I am Animatronio, guardian of da Vinci's great secret. He left my legs visible in the painting as a clue, then dispatched me hither to wait for his shadow society of intellectuals.

Fry: Hi, Animatronio.

Farnsworth: You personally knew da Vinci? [He gives a fan-girlish squeal.] Was he nice? How did his hair smell? And on a personal note, what is the function of this device? [He shows the plans.]

Animatronio: Halt! You do not know the function of the Macchina Magnifica? Then thou art not members of the Shadow Society. [He takes the plans.]

Bender: The what now?

Animatronio: Not one more word shall I breathe. Not even about the great fountain where thou mayest find the... Wait. Thou didst not know about the fountain, didst thou? Curses, I must be punished. [He begins flaying himself.]

Farnswoth: Quick, we must find out what he knows before he flays himself to death!

Leela: Where is the great fountain?

Fry: What makes it so great?

Bender: Why does a robot need a codpiece?

Animatronio: Fie, thou fen-suckled bum-bailey! Thou wilst never pry information from these mechanical lips!

Leela: Just tell us, already!

Animatronio: Okay, the fountain thou seekest is... [He groans and falls over.]

Farnsworth: And so dies our hope of solving this mystery. Come on gang, let's go home. Wait! Let's not give up so easily. Animatronio mentioned a fountain. [He looks at a statue.] That's a statue of Neptune, god of water. The number of points on him trident is three, or trey. The "u" in his name is written like "v". Trey, "v". Trevi! It's the Trevi Fountain. There can be no question!

Leela: But, Professor...

Farnsworth: There can be no question!

[Scene: Trevi Fountain]

Fry: Wow, it hasn't changed in a thousand years. [Tentacles reach out of the water and grab a man posing for a picture.]

Farnsworth: Okay, everyone, into the fountain.

Bender: What are you, senile? I'm not jumping in there.

Fry: Hey, look. Coins.

Bender: [He jumps into the fountain. Before he can grab the change, a Giant Squid comes out of a cave. The squid and Bender struggle then both pull out pistols. Gunshots can be heard from the surface. The dead Squid floats up.] I got 48 cents. There's one more nickel, and it's a big one! [He floats down and pulls at the nickel. It is actually a plug keeping water in the fountain. The water starts to drain, taking Bender with it.]

Farnsworth: Quickly, into the sewer hole. [He and Fry jump in.]

Leela: Why? [She is pulled under by the Professor. A hooded figure selling Gelato notices and follows them.]

[Scene: Sewer. The four of them are shooting through the pipes then land in a small room. The squid comes next and stops the water flow.]

Fry: [Looking through a window.] What's this dump? [They are surrounded by Roman Architecture.]

[Scene: The Pantheon.]

Farnsworth: My god! It's the Pantheon!

Leela: This place is 3,000 years old. What could possibly be left to discover?

Farnsworth: Maybe something about ourselves, Leela. Wait! What's under that blanket? [Fry removes it to reveal a statue of the Vitruvian Man.] My God! da Vinci's Vitruvian Man!

Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

Farnsworth: [The hooded figure appears and shoots a dart at the Professor.] Say, what's this? [He moves in time for the dart to miss him and hit Bender's eye.]

Bender: Anyone hear something?

Farnsworth: It's a coin slot. Bender, insert that giant nickel.

Bender: Sure. [He has the nickel on a piece of string. He inserts it and it takes his entire arm with it.] Ow!

Farnswoth: Hush, Bender. [The statue realigns itself.] What's your game, Vitruvian Man? [The statue turns on it side and rolls along the floor. The floor divides behind the statue. Leela scrambles to get to the Professor. A workshop is revealed under the floor.] I withdraw the question, Vitruvian Man.

[Scene: Leonardo's Workshop]

Farnsworth: Da Vinci's lost workshop!

Fry: At the risk of sounding stupid, do these things actually work?

Farnsworth: Of course not, stupid! [He gestures to a flying machine] I mean, that flying machine is as aerodynamic as a sofa. How could it possibly get off the ground?

Animatronio: In a way that shalt never discover. [Everyone but Fry gasps].

Fry: Hi, Animatronio.

Animatronio: I feign death and stalk thee, that I might preserve the greatest of Leonardo's secrets! [He throws a mace and it lands on Bender's empty arm socket. Bender hits him with the handle of the mace.]

Bender: All right, buddy, we want secrets! And they better be ancient!

Animatronio: Porco metallico! Never shall I reveal how these wonderous machines fit together!

Farnsworth: They fit together?

Animatronio: I said no such thing. And then I died! [He groans and collapses. He opens his eye then shuts it again.]

Fry: [Sitting in the chair of the flying machine] You're right, Professor. This thing doesn't fly.

Farnsworth: Don't sit in there, you idiot! That's dangerous! [He sits on a catapult and gets shot into a series of tubes that directs him into the co-pilot's seat.] Wha? [The machine is lifted up and glass is placed on top of their heads, creating a sealed cockpit. Several more machines go off and the ship is loaded into a cannon.] No wonder this contraction isn't aerodynamic! It's not an aircraft, it's a spacecraft! [The cannon is pointed to a gap in the ceiling.]

Animatronio: Basta! As I live, thou shan't discover the great secret! [He works a ballista until it is pointed at the spacecraft. Bender and Leela tackle him. The ballista falls and fires at a lever. The spacecraft is shot into the air.]

Fry: Bye, Animatronio!

[Scene: Space. Pieces of the spacecraft fall off and the wings start beating.]
[Time Lapse: One Month Later] [The spacecraft nears a planet.]
[Time Lapse. The spacecraft lands in a forest.]

Farnsworth: My God! Why would Leonardo's machine's brought us here?

Fry: I don't know. Let's ask this guy. [A man is standing in front of them.]

Leonardo da Vinci: I am Leonardo. [They gasp.] Welcome to Planet Vinci.

Farnsworth: My God!

Fry: That's what I was gonna say!

[Scene: Vincian City. A woman flies by on a horse-operated flying machine.]

Farnsworth: Leonardo! You're alive? Here?

Leonardo: [He sighs.] You have learned my great secret. I was but a visitor to Earth. In truth, I am what you call a space alien.

Farnsworth: Oh!

Fry: It's an honor to meet you, Leonardo. And may I say you were great in Titanic. The Beach? Neh.

Farnsworth: That's Leonardo DiCaprio, you blockhead! [He tries to punch Fry in the stomach. Bones are heard cracking.]

Fry: Looks like eating rocks wasn't as dumb as you said.

[Scene: Vincian Street.]

Fry: So what do people do for fun here?

Leonardo: Do you enjoy partying all night with plenty of ale and lusty women?

Fry: I sure do!

Leonardo: Not us. We spend our leisure time in the mathematics museum. Planet Vinci is basically a single colossal university.

Fry: How your football team?

Leonardo: Learned.

Farnsworth: Ooh! I'm going to check out that math lecture. [A professor is teaching students nearby.] All this knowledge is giving me a raging brainer! [He runs off.]

Leonardo: Would you like to hear the lecture, too, Fry?

Fry: No. It would just go in one ear and out some other hole.

[They are now in a park.]

Leonardo: Come, sit down.

Fry: Now that I can do. [He tries to sit in mid-air but fails.] I have a terrible secret to confess, Mr. DiCaprio. I'm not very smart.

Leonardo: I appreciate your candor.

Fry: I don't even know what language you're speaking.

Leonardo: I, too, have a confession. You see, here on Planet Vinci, I am the stupidest person.

Fry: What? Who possibly think you're stupid? [Two people come near the bench.]

Biff: Duh, I'm Leonardo. I don't know the mass of the Higgs boson.

Woman: Duh, I have to draw in pencil, because I don't know how to use Rendering software.

[The man raises his fist at Leonardo, who flinches away. Both the man and woman laugh before leaving.]

Leonardo: Stupid Biff. Thinks he's so smart.

Fry: He looks stronger than you, too.

Leonardo: I went to Earth because I could no longer stand the ridicule. But being surrounded by even stupider people was equally infuriating.

Fry: I can see myself in your shiny button.

Leonardo: Inventing is what makes me happy. Or did, until I misplaced the plans for my masterpiece.

Fry: You mean these? [He holds out the plans.]

Leonardo: The Macchina Magnifica? Infinity joy! Fry, my friend, you have given my life a meaning again!

Farnsworth: That calculus lecture was harder than I expected. We had to answer every question in the form of an opera. I have a lot of homework for tomorrow, if I don't want to be [He puts on a Viking opera helmet.] Embarrassed!

[Montage. Fry and Leonardo are looking at the plans. They keep rolling up so Fry tapes them down. The entire work table rolls up in response. The Professor is overwhelmed and twists his head around. Fry begins turning a crank and the gears start working. da Vinci and Fry high-five. The calculus class is working on Conic Sections. The Professor submits a wrong answer and the cone flies onto his head and sits there like a Dunce cap. The students laugh and the Professor runs away.]
[Scene: Planet Vinci. Concert Hall. Fry nails a banner to wall with another nail. It reads "Today: Leonardo unveils his greatest invention. Plus Fry's armpit concerto.]
[Time Lapse]

Fry: [Fry finishes his "musical piece" and the crowd starts booing.] Thank you. Thank you. And if you like that, you'll love our main event. Ladies and gentlemen, Leonardo DiCaprio! [The crowd cheers.] I mean da Vinci! [The crowd starts booing again.]

Leonardo: For centuries, you've all ridiculed me. Especially you, Biff.

Biff: Nice hat! [The crowd hoots.]

Leonardo: But, at long last, this invention will show you. It will show you all. Behold, my unstoppable doomsday machine!

Fry: And I helped! Wait. You told me it was an unstoppable ice cream machine.

Leonardo: Ice cream is just a by-product of the machine. It's primary purpose is to exterminate everyone who ever made me feel inferior!

Biff: Oh, I'm so scared!

Girl: Bring it on, dum-dum. [The crowd laughs.]

Leonardo: Oh yeah? Let's see how hard you are laughing when my doomsday machine chops off your face! [He powers up the machine.]

Farnsworth: Leonardo, stop! [The crowd gasps.] I want in on this!

Fry: Are you crazy, Professor?

Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them, they think they're smarter than me. Kill them all, starting with the math teacher!

[Leonardo starts the machine and the audience flees.]

Farnsworth: [Taking the plans from Fry.] I knew this final invention would be a humdinger!

Leonardo: Yes, we three idiots will finally have our revenge.

Fry: I don't think so! You two make me ashamed to call myself an idiot. [He jumps on the machine.] There's always going to someone smarter than you, so the only way to be happy is to make the most of what you've got.

Leonardo: But you've got nothing.

Fry:Oh no? I've got one single nail and another nail to nail it in with. And I'm gonna stop this infernal ice cream machine once and for all! [He tries to nail in a nail but it hits him in the eye. He stumbles and gets caught in the gears. Fry is being sent through the gears of the machine, finally jamming it. The machine stops and falls over. Leonardo and the Professor run out of the way. The audience laughs.]

Biff: Some doomsday machine! It barely killed anyone!

Leonardo: Oh, yeah? Well, take this! [He kicks the machine, causing a lever to pop out. He pulls it and a giant gear crushes him.]

Farnsworth: Oh, my.

Girl: Poor Leonardo da Vinci. He sure was stupid.

[Scene: Space. The Professor and Fry are heading back home in da Vinci's spacecraft. Fry has broken limbs, a neck brace and bandages around his head.]

Farnsworth: Fry, I admire what you did today, and I'm deeply sorry for insulting your intellect. Your tiny, tiny intellect. Oops, there I go again, you dope. I mean, dummy.

Fry: It's okay. I may not be clever, but I have a good heart. That's what my mom used to say.

Farnsworth: She was a wise woman.

Fry: Also, that I'm not much to look at.

Farnsworth: A wise woman, indeed.

[Closing Credits.]