Transcript:The Duh-Vinci Code

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Transcript for
The Duh-Vinci Code
Written by	Maiya Williams
Transcribed by	Teyrn of Highever

[Opening Credits: Put on 3-D monocle now.]

[Scene: Set of Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Morbo is seated in the center, surrounded by an audience.]

Morbo: [Angrily] Silence, puny audience. And welcome to Who Dares to be a Millionaire? Tremble before Morbo's mighty likability, [Calmly] while I chitchat with out first contestant, Philip J. Fry.

[The audience applauds while Fry descends from the ceiling in a rocket powered chair. He waves. A sign reads: "applaud or be destroyed".]

Bender: [In audience.] Give him hell, Morbo!

Morbo: [Angrily] Prepare for pleasantries. [Calmly] So Fry, what do you do for a living?

Fry: Me? Um, can I phone a friend?

Morbo: [Angrily] Chitchat achieved! [Dramatic music plays, lights turn on and the game begins.] Are you ready to play?

Fry: I didn't come to play. I came to win. Not let's play.

Morbo: For $1, what tool is used to hammer a nail? Is it, A, a hammer? B, A nail? C...

Fry: B, nail! final answer! [A buzzer sounds and Fry's chair blasts off.]

[Scene: Planet Express meeting room.]

Hermes: Sweet dodo of Lesotho! Don't you ever stop to think before you speak?

Fry: I never stop to think about it.

Leela: Aw, leave Fry alone. His intelligence is just a little differenty.

[Hermes, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg all nod.]

Bender: [Pointing at Fry] You a big dummy!

Fry: Hey, I'm starting to think you all don't think I'm very smart.

Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name, Einstein.

Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember. [The Professor pokes him with the Fing-Longer. Ow!

Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative.

Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew!

Fry: [He sniffles] But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?

Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.

[Scene: Planet Express, The Professor's study]

Farnsworth: All my life I've been inspired by great minds. Euclid, Copernicus, Braino. And my personal role model, Leonardo Da Vinci. [He gestures to a bust of each.]

Fry: What turned them to stone?

Farnsworth: [He slaps his forehead and sighs] Da Vinci was history's greatest artist and inventor. [He pulls up the head of Da Vinci, revealing a button. He presses it. A shelf rises into the ceiling, revealing a lit cabinet with various sketches and models on shelves.] Voila! He invented flying machines, war engines, submarines.

Fry: [He takes a beard from the cabinet] Uh-oh! Nibbler died in the wall.

Farnsworth: That's not Nibbler. That's my most precious possession. Leonardo's beard! I paid a fortune for it at an auction of historic body parts. I suppose if I have an Achilles Heel, it's because I bought it at that same auction. [He shows Fry a glass foot with a heel bone in it.]

Fry: [Wearing the beard] Indeed so. Most indeededly.

Farnsworth: Careful with that, you fool! [Fry sneezes, causing the beard to separate into individual hairs] No! No! But possibly yes. [A scroll is inside Fry's mouth]

Fry: What is it, Professor?

Farnsworth: [He unravels and unfolds the scroll] Oh, my! It's da Vinci's fabled lost invention. Even the scholars who wrote of this device had no idea what it was for. And now, at least, neither do I!

Fry: Maybe we can figure it out?

Farnsworth: We? [He cackles insanely]

[Scene: Outside Planet Express.]

Fry: Well, I may not have brain smarts, but at least I have street smarts. [He is run over by a hoverbus.

[Scene: Planet Express Meeting Room. Fry walks in, he is on crutches, has a broken leg and bandages wrapped around his head.]

Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.

Farnsworth: Quiet, you! I'm trying to deduce the function of da Vinci's lost invention.

Fry: Not even a card.

Farnsowrth: He might have hidden a clue in one of his other works. Ergo, I sent Bender out for a copy of the Last Supper.

Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I just brought the original. [He drags in a stone slab with the Last Supper on it.]

Zoidberg: Jesus Christ and his Twelve Apostles.

Amy: [She points to something on the painting.] That's odd. This hand here doesn't belong to anybody. And it's pointing a knife at James the Lesser!

Bender: That's the great thing about that hand.

Hermes: [He points to a different part of the painting.] And what about these funky table legs? It's like their part of some other, funkier painting.

Zoidberg: Maybe da Vinci painted over something else. It's called a pentimento.

Farnsworth: That's true, Dr. Zoidberg. How did you know that?

Zoidberg: My doctorate is in Art History.

Farnsworth: Let's see what hidden under the Last Supper. [He pressed a remote and a laser-like device descends from the ceiling. It fires at Hermes, allowing us to see through him.]

Hermes: Wait, I'm not big-boned, I'm just fat.

Farnsworth: [He nudges the machine.] My God! Look! [The crew gasps.]

Amy: My God! I'm looking!

[The table legs are revealed to be a wooden robot.]

Leela: My God! Saint James was a robot!

Zoidberg: My God! Da Vinci left his legs unpainted as a clue.

Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery of all time. We must fly to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.

Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?

Farnsworth: To the ship!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off into space, only to turn and land in Italy.]

[Scene: Rome. The ship flies past a sign that says "Future Roma" and go to the Vatican. The Space Pope signals them down. The ship lands on a monument.]

[Scene: Rome, Catacombs.]

Fry: Psst. Leela, wanna join the Mile-Deep Club?

Leela: Sure, why not?

Farnswoth: No time! I've found a clue that could unlock all the secrets of history. [Fry groans. They walk to a tomb.] Look at these Roman numerals.

Fry: Roman numerals? I've got it! We're in Rome.

Farnsworth: [He hits Fry with a torch.] Don't be stupid. It's a long lost mathematical code. I'll need to consult these ancient writings. [He pulls out a book and blows the dust off it. It is The Da Vinci Code.] Some preposterous hog-wash about the Fibonacci Sequence. Aha! The markings indicate how many paces we need to take. One ... Okay, we're there. [In front of them is a tomb that reads "JAMES". ]

Bender: Brothers and sisters, let us pry. [He pulls a crowbar out of his chest cabinet and opens the tomb. A robot is in there]

Farnsworth: It's true, Saint James really was a robot.

Bender: I bet he's up in Robot Heaven right now. So he won't miss his eyes. [He attempts to remove them with a screwdriver.

[A mouse squeaks and runs into the wheel on Saint James' chest and begins running. Saint James stands up.

Fry: My God! Robot Saint James is a zombie.

Animatronio: Nay, I am not Saint James.

Bender: Enough of your lies, Saint James. We saw you in the Last Supper.

Animatronio: The great man Leonardo built me as an artist's model. When I took repose in this coffin, I carefully tossed the real Saint James in yonder heap. [A skeleton is nearby.] I'm sure you have many questions. Come, there is a chamber where I used to speak with Pope John the Patient.

[Scene: Underground Chamber.]

Animatronio: [He sighs. The Pope's skeleton is still seated in a chair, wearing his hat.] I told him I'd be back in five minutes. Ah well, he'll make a nice heap. [He dumps the body and sits in the chair himself.] I am Animatronio, guardian of da Vinci's great secret. He left my legs visible in the painting as a clue, then dispatched me hither to wait for his shadow society of intellectuals.

Fry: Hi, Animatronio.

Farnsworth: You personally knew da Vinci? [He gives a fan-girlish squeal.] Was he nice? How did his hair smell? And on a personal note, what is the function of this device? [He shows the plans.]

Animatronio: Halt! You do not know the function of the Machina Magnifica?

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