Transcript:The Mutants Are Revolting
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|The Mutants Are Revolting|
|Written by||Eric Horsted|
|Transcribed by||Teyrn of Highever|
- [Opening Credits: 100.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, meeting room.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We've been hired to make our 100th delivery.
- [The crew cheers.]
Hermes: That's almost 10 per year.
- [Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Today's specials, Fish N' Chimps.]
Bender: Oh my God, it's Elzar! Hi, Elzar! Great soufflé, Elzar!
Elzar: Whatever you do, don't drop it. [He holds up a bottle labeled "Nitroglycerine. Danger! Explosive."] See, Mrs. Astor takes nitroglycerine for her heart, and being a class act, she prefers it in soufflé form. [He lets a drop of nitroglycerine soak into the soufflé.] [Softly.] Bam.
- [The crew gasps.]
Farnsworth: To prevent the soufflé from exploding, Bender will carry it. He's gyroscopically stable.
- [Scene: Space. The ship is swerving through an asteroid belt. It is banking in every direction, with Bender moving with it to avoid damaging the soufflé. The ship gets free of the belt and clips a sign that says "Waldorf Asteroid". The ship to a rough landing, with the crew falling down the stairs, Bender still holding the soufflé upright.]
Farnsworth: Look, Mrs. Astor's mansion, just across that rickety rope bridge. [Part of the bridge falls off.]
Amy: Wow, it's ricketier than it looks. You'd better try to jump it, Bender.
Bender: Okay, let me back up for a running start. [He runs backwards, all the way around the asteroid, across the bridge, back to where he started. He then runs forwards, crossing the bridge and ends up near the crew again. He jumps across the gap. The rest of the crew walk up. Fry rings the doorbell.]
Hobsy: [He opens the door.] I shall inform Mrs. Astor that the circus is in town.
- [Cut to: Mrs. Astor's parlor.]
Hobsy: Your soufflé, Madam.
Mrs. Astor: I shall take it here, under my fork.
- [Bender uses his extensomatic arms to deliver the soufflé. He withdraws into his chest and the rest of the crew hides behind him. Mrs. Astor eats a bite.]
Zoidberg: Where's the exploding?
Hobsy: One does not explode in Mrs. Astor's face.
Mrs. Astor: I couldn't eat another bite. Hobsy?
- [He places the leftovers into a room full of Dalmatians. An explosion is heard. Mrs. Astor walks up to the Professor.]
Mrs. Astor: Well done, sir. Have you a name?
Farnsworth: Hubert Farnsworth, at your service.
Mrs. Astor: A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years.
Farnsworth: Yes, I have.
Fry: And I'm his uncle!
Mrs. Astor: How charmingly unconventional.
Fry: I can eat a hotdog underwater.
Mrs. Astor: Say, would you Farnsworths care to be my guests tomorrow at the Astor Endowment Fundraiser? All the best families will be there.
Fry: We can take 'em.
- [Scene: New New York Historical Society. Annual Astor Endowment Fundraiser. No top hat, no monocle, no service.]
- [Inside, The Professor, Fry and Leela are seated at a table. Mayor Poopenmeyer, Royalty girl, Calculon and Judge Whitey are also there.]
Mrs. Astor: [Narrating for an old black-and-white film.] On April 10, 2912, my late husband and I set off down Fifth Avenue aboard the Land Titanic, the largest street-going vessel ever built. [In the film, the Land Titanic takes off. People are watching it sail.] Just four days into her maiden voyage, as we approached 32 Street, the line-liner struck a mailbox and went down. [In the film, we see one of the Land Titanic's wheels hit a mailbox. The ship starts falling through the street.] 2000 souls were lost that day, including my dear husband. In loving memory, I established the Mr. Astor Endowment, which this year supports the United Mutant Scholarship Fund.
Fry: [to Leela] Mutants? That's the kind of thing you are.
Leela: Shh. You know mutants aren't allowed on the surface. If anyone asks, say I'm an alien, remember?
Fry: Right. You gonna finish that roll?
Mrs. Astor: Now a short film about those pitiable creatures so in need of our charity.
Narrator: Far beneath the everyday rumble of limousines and poodle feet, there toil a downtrodden people even less well off than the upper middle class. [The film goes from a busy street to the sewers, where mutants are working.] The noble sewer mutants. For you see, generations of exposure to toxic sewage mutated them into horrific monsters! [Leela's parents, along with Dwayne, Vyolet, Raoul are shown on screen. Fry and the Professor scream.]
Leela: Shut up!
Narrator: These industrious, uh, people, I guess, maintain the various pipes and poop chutes that keep decent, above-ground society functioning. [More mutants are shown working on pipes and toilets.] And where do these proud toileteers learn their menial skills? At Brown University, the nation's premier institution of lower learning. So please, give generously, knowing some poor helpless mutant will thank you. Not in person, thank God!
Leela: Well, that was disturbing.
Mrs. Astor: Oh, I understand, dear. They are hideous.
Leela: Look, I guess you mean well, but isn't that university just a tax-deductible sewer-cleaning service?
Mrs. Astor: My dear, that school is about much more than sewer pipes.
Mrs. Astor: It's also about keeping those filthy things busy. There are thousands of them down there, breeding like rats.
Royalty girl: [To Calculon.] My great uncle once saw a rat.
Mrs. Astor: If we don't keep them busy, they'll start jabbering on about equal rights in their ill-bred manner.
Leela: Let's go. If I say one more thing, I might say it with my evening boot.
Mrs. Astor: Well! Rarely have I never!
- [Leela walks away.]
Fry: Please, don't blame Leela. She's just a little ill-bred. You know how mutants are.
- [Everyone gasps. Leela stops abruptly.]
Mrs. Astor: You companion is a mutant?
Fry: But if anyone asks, say she's an alien.
Mrs. Astor: Help! Police!
URL: You may have eluded the authorities, but don't nothing get past Mrs. Astor. [He and Smitty take Leela away.]
Leela: [Being led outside.] What's gonna happen to me?
Smitty: Permanent deportation, you mutant.
URL: You going downtown, baby. Way down. [They drop Leela down a man-hole.]
- [Scene: NNY Sewers. Leela is falling and screaming.]
- [A frog-like mutant grabs Leela with his tongue.]
Leela: Thanks, Colonel.
Colonel: Just doing my job, ma'am. [He salutes with his tongue.]
- [Leela walks to her parents' house and rings the doorbell.] [Time Lapse. Leela is sitting on the couch.]
Leela: Oh, Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. [She pauses as her parents look shocked.] I'm sorry.
Turanga Munda: It's okay, sweetie. Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole.
- [Scene: The rest of the crew are in the hangar. The decorations are up but no one is partying.]
Bender: [He bursts out of a cooler.] Well, the bottom's all stocked with cheap stuff. Who's in the mood to party? [He waves Fry's arms around.] Whoo!
Fry: Poor, Leela. I feel like I ruined her life.
Hermes: You did ruin her life.
Fry: You might be right, Hermes.
Hermes: I am right.
Fry: I almost feel like we should do something to help her.
Hermes: We should do something!
Fry: I don't care what you say, Hermes. Let's go.
Fry: Oh, mighty mayor. We're here about Turanga Leela.
Poopenmeyer: You mean Leela?
Fry: Right. I mean sure, she's a mutant, we've known that for years. But we kept it a secret because she's a fine, upstanding...
Poopenmeyer: Wait. You knowingly attempted to harbor a mutant?
Hermes: We did harbor a mutant! Uh-oh.
- [Scene: NNY Sewers.]
Munda: Look, Leela, there's Old Filthful. [She points to a geyser. It shoots up sewage and mutants take pictures before being covered by the sewage.]
Morris: And there's the West Side Pipeway. [He points to some mutants working on a pipeline.] If those guys slack off for even a second, it could explode. [To the workers.] Hey, guys! This is my daughter, Leela.
- [The workers give overlapping greetings seconds before being blasted away by sewage and sent downsteam.]
Morris: Well, they're with the chuds, now.
Leela: These conditions are deplorable. I swear, I hate every single person on the surface for making us live like this.
- [The crew hit the ground near her.]
Leela: What are you doing here?
Amy: We were sentence to two weeks in the sewer for harboring a mutant.
- [Zoidberg floats down while holding an umbrella.]
Zoidberg: Three dollars at the drug store.
Fry: I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people.
Leela: You wanna know what it's like to be a mutant? Jump in and go for a swim.
Fry: I would, but I ate a bunch of potato salad, so...
Leela: Yeah, that's what I thought. You are all surface.
- [Scene: Planet Express, Hangar. Bender is getting ready for the party. He drinks some punch then adds Michael Collins Mix to it.]
Bender: Fry! Hermes! Where my humans are? Ah, who cares? It is on.
- [He goes to the door and lets in the guests.]
Hedonism Bot: I trust the orgy pit has been scraped and buttered?
Bender: You know it, and there's mini-quiches, too.
- [Scene: NNY Sewers. The crew are walking through the sewers.]
Hermes: It's getting cold and smelly. My odor-eaters(?) are going critical. [An attachment on his shoes is glowing brightly.]
Zoidberg: Maybe we can plotz in that giant cockle. [He points to a bus.]
Amy: Shmeepers, it's the Land Titanic, the biggest and onlyest land boat ever constructed...
- [They start investigating inside.]
Hermes: This was one hell of a bus.
- [The crew walks into a room, skeletons are still in their beds.]
Zoidberg: Well, everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye. [He removes the skeleton.]
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, show some respect! This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives.
Amy: [off screen.] Hey, I found a safe!
- [Cut to the Professor attempted to break the lock with a skull. The skull shatters.]
Farnsworth: It's coming loose. Hand me some more of that cruise director. [Amy hands him a leg bone which he uses to pry off the lock. The door opens.] The original passenger manifests. [He hands them to Hermes.]
Hermes: Spreadsheets were so elegant back then.
Farnsworth: Just one other item. [He opens a case, revealing a Quantum Gemerald.]
Amy: It's jewelry. Jewelry! It's jewelry, people!
Farnsworth: It's a priceless quantum-force gemerald. [He uses it to blast the cruise director, turning the skeleton to an ash stain on the wall.]
Zoidberg: What's that enscribbled on it?
Hermes: [He reads the inscription.] "My dear Mrs. Astor. My love for you is as unsinkable as this land ship and as brilliant as this stone. Dictated but not read, Mr. Astor."
Amy: Aw! That's so valuable.
Fry: Yeah, I'll never have love like that. Leela hates me now. [He sniffles.] [Voice breaking.] Did you guys know I have a crush on Leela? [The Professor slaps him with the cruise director's arm.]
- [Scene: Turanga House. The family is eating dinner.]
Munda: What's a matter, Leela? You've hardly touched your toilet clams.
Leela: [She sighs.] Maybe I was too harsh on Fry. He didn't ruin my life on purpose.
Morris: Things will work out, honey. Now here, have some more of what looks like lemonade. [He fills Leela's glass with a yellow liquid.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. More party-goers are arriving. People are dancing inside. In the hangar, Bender is dancing to The Boogie that Be with Lrrr, Hattie and Bubblegum.]
Bubblegum: Bender, I've been to wang dang doodles all up and down the galaxy, but this is the dangest wang I ever doodled.
Bender: Oh, yeah! Come on baby, let's do it. [He backflips to the upper level and dances on the railing.] Shake your booty, baby. Come on, yeah! [He sees the picture of the crew posing for a commemorative photo celebrating the 100th delivery. Bender jumps down and unplugs the stereo. The DJ Robot and Fender both fall over.] Get out! Get out! It's not fun anymore! I wanna be alone!
Hedonism Bot: Alone with me?
Bender: I said scram, grapey! [Everyone leaves.]
[Scene: Land Titanic. Fry is the only one still awake. He gets up and walks out of the bus.]
Leela: Fry? What are you doing.
Fry: [Taking off his clothes.] You were right. I don't know what it's like to be a mutant. But I want to know.
Leela: Wait, I never meant for you to... [Fry jumps into the mutagenic lake.] Oh, no! [Time Lapse. She is rowing a boat to where Fry is.] Fry! Fry! No! No! [She reaches in and pulls something out. Fry has become a blob. He has grown an extra eye and tentacles.]
Fry: Any effect?
Leela: [She starts to scream but stops and vomits into the lake.] Sorry. I tried to scream but I barfed.
- [As Leela rows them to shore, Fry sees his reflection in Leela' eye. He screams]
Fry: I think I'm knowing what it's like to be a mutant.
- [The boat gets to shore and the rest of the crew walks to the dock.]
Zoidberg: So, what's with all the screaming?
Fry: Hey, guys.
- [His coworkers all scream then bend over and vomit.]
Leela: Fry, this is the stupidest, sweetest thing you've ever done. And you know, maybe now, together, we can be an inspiration to other mutants.
Fry: I hope so, Leela.
Leela: Aw. Come here. Let me give you a kiss. [Fry puckers up.] Hug. [Fry opens his arms.] Handshake. [Fry sticks out a hand.] I'll text ya.
- [Scene: Fry is addressing the "Concert for Mutant Rights" at Brown University.]
Fry: My fellow mutants, until recently, I dwelt on the surface where a man can gaze up at the sky in wonder without a wet clump falling in his mouth.
Mutant: [off screen.] We can do that too. [He is hit by a wet clump.]
[The band walks on stage.]
Dwayne: Play "Whip It"!
Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: No. [To a member of the band.] Play the other one.
- [Devo begins playing Beautiful World.]
- [New New York Post headline: "The Mutants are Revolting!" Underneath: "Both Kinds of Revolting".]
- [Montage. Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh starts singing. Mutants can be seen working on pipes. A hose is connected to another pipe. Cut to Petunia doing laundry. She is blasted away by water coming from her dryer. Cut to firemen putting out an apartment fire. The hydrant is replaced by a gas pump. The flames grow. Cut to Royalty Girl and Mayor Poopenmeyer. She walks over a grate and her dress billows up. She is then sent flying by sewage shooting from the grate. In the sewers, the Professor puts the gemerald on a plunger and fires up a pipe. Above ground, Larry, Walt and Igner are sitting on toilet seats. They are forced into the air by sewage. In the streets, signs are being poked through the manholes. Mrs. Astor has Hobsy drop another soufflé down the manhole. Explosion occur as the montage ends.]
Leela: Now that we got their attention, it's time to hit them where they sit, by bending the West Side Pipeway to return all sewage to the surface.
- [The mutants cheer.]
Fry: But who could possibly bend such a huge pipe?
- [Scene: Planet Express, hangar.]
Bender: So lonely. Poor, sad Bender.
- [Fry pushes himself out of the vent nearby.]
Fry: Hey, buddy.
Bender: [He recoils, screaming. He stops.] Ah, what the heck? [He hugs Fry and sinks into Fry's body.]
- [Scene: Sewers. Bender is trying to bend the pipes.]
Mutants: Bend it! Bend it! Bend it!
- [Bender lifts the pipes up and covers the crowd with sewage. He bends the pipes together and the crowd cheers again.]
- [On the surface, sewage starts to flood the streets.]
- [Back in the sewer, Leela addresses the crowd.]
Leela: Prepare to storm the surface for the Million Mutant March.
Colonel: Move out, Fry. We need out most disgusting mutant leading the charge.
Fry: [He is looking at the Land Titanic's manifest.] I'll meet you up there. I need to check out something first.
Colonel: Okay. Vyolet, you're up front.
- [Scene: Citihall]
Mrs. Astor: Mayor, this sewage debacle has gone on long enough. As your largest campaign contributor, I demand action!
Poopenmeyer: Very well. $80 worth of action it is.
- [Cut to a man in a HAZMAT suit sucking up the sewage.]
Poopenmeyer: Voilà! We simply pump the fruits of our excretion into Madison Cube Garden.
- [The building, which was advertising a boat show, is almost full.]
Mrs. Astor: Well, it seems everything is under... [She gasps. The mutants are coming out of the sewers.]
Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: Four!
Colonel: Six eyes!
Mutants: The mutant people will arise.
Leela: The segregation of the mutant people ends today. We demand equal rights, equal access to the surface, and the blood of your first-born children. [Softly. To Raoul.] That so we have something to give up at the negotiations.
Mrs. Astor: I've never been so moved, and I see no reason to begin now. Hobsy, flush those creatures back into the hole they crawled out of.
Hobsy: Madam's sewage seeking missile.[He presents an I See BM and activates it.]
- [The protesters duck and the missile hits Madison Cube Garden. The collected sewage rushes towards Citihall. Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh opens an umbrella.
Fry: [He bursts out of a manhole, holding the gemerald.] Let my people stay! [He shoots a beam of energy at the wave of sewage, parting it.
Bender: Neat! [He takes a picture with his purple camera.]
Fry: Mrs. Astor, deep in the sewers, we discovered the wreck of the Land Titanic, on which your husband land-drowned. Inside was something that might interest you.
Mrs. Astor: The gemerald ring that my husband was to give me in lieu of children. [She holds it up then throws it away.] So what, I have a chandelier in my car made of those.
Fry: Not the gem. This passenger manifest. It turns out there were mutants on that ship, working below deck in the sewage galley.
Leela's grandmother: I was just a young girl. [A flashback starts. She is cleaning a pipe.] Drain angels, they called us. When the ship started going down. [Mutants can be seen fleeing. Leela's great-grandmother picks up her grandmother.] My mother grabbed me and made for the nearest life-car. [Mutants can be seen trying to get onto the cars.] But the places were all taken by surface passengers. As my mother held me tight, I suddenly felt the gentle tap of a cane on my face. I turned to see the kindly smile of Mr. Astor. [In the present, Mrs. Astor looks on in shock. Hobsy covers a second missile.] [In the flashback, Mr. Astor gets up and offers them his seat. They rush into the car as the ship goes down and flashback ends.] Thanks to your husband's humanity, I lived to raise my own daughter, and she, a daughter in turn.
Leela: Mom, why have I never heard this?
Munda: [Whispering.] My mother's nuts.
Fry: I beg you, Mrs. Astor, if you truly want to honor your husband's memory, treat these people with dignity, as he did.
Mrs. Astor: Oh, he was a dear man, Mr. Astor. [To Poopenmeyer.] Randall, let's grant these mutants their freedom.
- [The mutants cheer.]
Dwayne: Are we not men now?
Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: I'm forty percent potato, but close enough.
Leela: Thank you, Fry. I think maybe I can stomach that kiss now.
- [They kiss. Fry's body shakes and the blob peels off of him, leaving a normal human. The blob reforms.]
Fry: What the...?
Mr. Astor: Good afternoon. I am Mr. Astor. I did not perish that fateful day, but rather plummeted into the toxic lake, where I mutated and lived in solitude until this ruddy lad here stepped into my mouth and lodged there.
Mrs. Astor: Mister? Is that really you? [They hug.]
Zoidberg: Horray! A happy ending for the rich people!
- [Scene: Planet Express, hangar.]
Leela: Mom, Dad, Grandma, this is where I work.
Munda: Oh! Was there a fire?
Amy: So, Bender, how was the party?
Bender: Only the greatest party ever! I don't need to have another party in my whole life. I am partied out!
Fry: Dang! Sorry we missed it!
Bender: We could have another one, if it would make you guys feel better.
Fry: Really? No, that's not necessary.
Bender: Hit it, Bender! [He shoves a stereo into Fry's arms and turns it on. Bend It starts playing.]
- [Everyone starts dancing as the music plays.]
- [Closing Credits.]
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