Difference between revisions of "Transcript:The Prisoner of Benda"

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{{transcript infobox
{{transcript infobox
|isanimatic=no
|isanimatic=no
|for=Proposition Infinity
|for=The Prisoner of Benda
|written by=[[Michael Rowe]]
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|credit=[[User:Teyrn of Highever|Teyrn of Highever]]<br>[[User:Kifcroaker|Kifcroaker]]
|credit=[[User:Teyrn of Highever|Teyrn of Highever]]
|prev ep=Attack of the Killer App
|prev ep=A Clockwork Origin
|next ep=The Duh-Vinci Code
|next ep=Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences
}}
}}


''[Opening Credits: Dictated But Not Read.]''
<poem>'''[[Linda]]''': Tonight, at 11:00.</poem>


''['''Scene''': [[Amy's apartment]]. [[Kif]] and [[Amy]] are watching [[Channel √2 News]].]''  
<poem>'''[[Morbo]]''': Doom!</poem>


<poem>'''[[Linda]]''': ''[on TV]'' We now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. Jim?
:''[Opening Credits: What happens in {{w|Cygnus X-1}} Stays in Cygnus X-1.]''


</poem><poem>'''[[Jim]]''' ''[on TV]''  ''[Still in the burning hovercopter.]'' The scene is not good, Linda. I've just learned that my last words were: back to you, Linda.
:''['''Scene''': [[Planet Express headquarters#Employee lounge|Planet Express, Lounge.]] [[Leela]] is looking at herself in a hand-held mirror.]''  


</poem><poem>'''Linda''': ''[on TV]'' ''[She laughs]'' One for the blooper reel.
<poem>'''Leela''': Boy, that thing's big. [[Fry]], is my colossal eye too big?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Kif''': The news is so violent. Let's watch ''Rachael Ray'' instead. No, wait. There might be chopping.
:''[The rest of the [[Planet Express crew|crew]] is watching TV.]''


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish.
<poem>'''Fry''': No, it's what makes you you.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Kif''': You know full well that I am more closely related to the {{w|sea cucumber}}.
<poem>'''Leela''': But it's so round, so hideously round.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Not where it counts.  
<poem>'''Fry''': Leela, listen. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Morbo]]''': ''[on TV]'' I hated Jim! In other news, [[Proposition Infinity#Goofs|our city]]'s urine-soaked walls have been desicrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist.
<poem>'''Leela''': Oh. So you only care about my looks?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Linda''': ''[on TV]'' [[New New York Police Department|Police]] have not idea who is behind this innovative scourge of public art.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': No, I.... What?</poem>


:''[On the TV, an example of the graffiti is shown. It looks like Bender]''
<poem>'''Linda''': ''[on TV.]'' Finally, New New York got a blast of class today as [[Emperor Nikolai|Nikolai]], playboy ruler of the [[Robo-Hungarian Empire]], arrived aboard his extravagant, {{w|Caviar|caviar}}-powered {{w|yacht}}.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': New New York street. Bender is lowering himself using cables.
<poem>'''Nikolai''': ''[on TV.]'' I'm just a humble emperor, with a big, big crown!</poem>


<poem>'''[[Bender]]''' ''[He chuckles maliciously and spreads grout onto a wall. He then makes a tile version of his head]'' That is one sexy bridge abutment. </poem>
<poem>'''[[Bender]]''': ''[He turns off the TV.]'' Of course I'm not planning to steal that crown!</poem>


:''[Time lapse. Bender is putting tile graffiti in various places. A hoverbus stop, a [[Richard Nixon's head|Richard Nixon]] "Despair" poster (parodying the {{w|Barack Obama "Hope" poster}}) and a [[Tube Transport System|tube transport station]]. At a freeway, Bender graffitis part of a sign so that it now reads "Free Corn" instead of "Freeway Ends At Corner"]''
<poem>'''Leela''': What?</poem>


<poem>'''[[Hyper-Chicken]]''': Free corn? That'll suit me just fine. ''[He crashes his [[hovercar]] and crows loudly]''</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': True. I've always dreamt of being an emperor. You know, for {{w|Halloween}}, and then forever. But heisting those jewels would be difficult.</poem>


:''[Bender is still putting graffiti on various buildings.]''
<poem>'''Leela''': You'd be stupid to try.</poem>


<poem>'''Bender''': The key is knowing precisely where to strike. ''[The last building turns out to be URL's back]'' Oops!
<poem>'''Bender''': I'll need accomplices. A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[URL]]''': Well, well. Time to beat him his rights. ''[He and Smitty take out their lightsabers and being hitting Bender.]''
<poem>'''[[Amy]]''': Never! ''[She walks away.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Smitty]]''': You know, that don't look half bad on your buttocks.
<poem>'''Bender''': A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''URL''': It does kinda class-up the place.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Zoidberg]]''': Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job. ''[He takes an {{w|eel}} out of a bucket label "Aquarium Garbage" and wraps it around himself like a cravat.]''</poem>


:''[Pan over the streets of New New York. A clock nearby changes from 3:59 to 4:00]''
<poem>'''Bender''': And finally, a chump, to be caught on video and later arrested.</poem>


<poem>'''Clock''': The time is 4 am.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': As I told you on Sucker-Punch Day, I'm through being a chump.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Amy's apartment]''
<poem>'''Bender''': Of course, it would all require split-second robotic timing. That's were I come in. You see, I own a watch. ''[He pulls out a {{w|pocket watch}}.]''</poem>


<poem>'''Amy''': We've been arguing all night, Kif. Can't we go to bed?
:''['''Scene''': [[Planet Express headquarters#Farnsworth's laboratory|Planet Express, The Professor's lab.]] Amy and [[Prof. Farnsworth]] are cleaning a machine.]''


</poem><poem>'''Kif''': Is that all you ever think about? I'm not just some piece of tofu, Amy. I need to know where we stand in [[Kif-Amy relationship|our relationship]].
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': There. This time I'm sure I've fixed the [[mind-switcher]].</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': We're just going through a rough patch.
<poem>'''Amy''': Good, I'm sick of cleaning up those heaps of dead monkeys. But why would you want your mind in a new body?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Kif''': It is not a patch. It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate "Hunk of the Month" calender.</poem>
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Well, as a man enters his 18th decade, he thinks back on the mistakes he's made in life.</poem>


:''[He points to a calender with a male model wearing only a pair of briefs and holding a saxophone]
<poem>'''Amy''': Like the heaps of dead monkeys?</poem>


<poem>'''[[Todd]]''': Thanks, babe. Also, today is Canadian Independence Day. ''[He plays a tune]''</poem>
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Science cannot move forward without heaps! No, what I regret is the youth I wasted playing it safe.</poem>


:''[Burping is heard. The phone displays an incoming call sign'']
<poem>'''Amy''': I wasted my youth porking out.</poem>


<poem>'''Amy''': Oh, that's Bender's ringtone. I recognize the smell. Hello? ''[Bender's picture is displayed over the phone]''
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Yes, I remember. ''[He points to a picture of a fat Amy, captioned "2997 Employee of the Year".]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': ''Yo, Amy, I'm in the slammer.''
<poem>'''Amy''': Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Oh, no!
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Funny, I could use a little extra meat on my bones. ''[He moves his coat and shows that he is just skin and bones.]'' Wait a second, if we switch bodies, I could live life to the extreme, and you could indulge your demonic food lust.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': ''That's enough lip from you, moneybags. Just get 5 grand an bail me out.''
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[She gasps.]'' We are just the people this mind-switcher was made for by us! ''[They sit in the chairs.]'' Wait, can I still change my mind?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': I don't have that kind of money laying around.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Let's find out. ''[He pushes a button.]'' </poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': ''Yeah, you do. You know that floor safe where you keep 10 grand? There's 5 grand in there. Don't make me wait!''</poem>
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' It didn't work you doddering old ''[She gasps.]''</poem>


''['''Scene''': [[Will Riker's Island]], prison interior. Bender, Roberto, [[Joey Mousepad]] and other criminals are in a cell.]''
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Ah! {{w|Cartilage}}! Dude, I bid you a fond cowabunga! I'm off to laugh at the Reaper. ''[He shuffles off. Cut to a mountain where he is party boarding.]'' Look out, world, here I... ''[He hits a rock face and snow falls on him. Cut to Planet Express. Amy is eating {{w|Bologna}} substitute from a squeeze bottle.]'' I'm sorry, Amy, but your body is not up to the task. Also, I don't care for these boobs flapping every which way. Now quit your bologna-gargling and let's switch back to our original bodies.</poem>


<poem>'''[[Roberto]]''': ''[He walks up to Bender. He is holding a sock]'' Hey, Bender. Ever kill a man with a sock? It ain't so hard. Ha-HAA. ''[He stabs at Bender]''
<poem>'''Bender''': Body switcher, eh? Mayhap the heist is back on. Who needs accomplices, if I can just use their bodies. </poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': I better carve a shiv for protection. ''[He pulls out a stick and a switchblade. He starts whittling down the stick into a crude knife]''
:''[Amy and the Professor sit in the machine. The Professor presses the button but the machine starts beeping. He presses multiple times.]''


</poem><poem>'''URL''': ''[He opens the cell door. Kif and Amy are with him.]'' Rodríguez! These two brothers bailed your ass out.
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Professor, what's not happening?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Oh! Thank God. ''[He hugs Kif, causing his head to inflate]'' Tell me, have things changed on the outside. Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form?
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Bad news, me. ''[He presses a button and a diagram of their brains comes up.]'' I failed to take into account the cerebral immune response.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Larry the Murder Burglar]]''': ''[To Amy]'' Hey, hot stuff. I'm Larry the Murder Burglar.
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' You idiot!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Hi, Larry. I like your tattoos.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Once two bodies have switched minds, they can never switch back. ''[A dramatic cord plays as Amy covers her mouth.]'' However, perhaps they can. Maybe we can swap back using a third body for temporary storage space.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Kif''': Amy, that man's a criminal!
<poem>'''Bender''': I'm [[Bender Bending Rodriguez#Composition|60% storage space]]. ''[He bangs his chassis.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': I was just checking out his tats. ''[She looks at a tattoo of Larry jumping out of a house window then lighting it with a {{w|molotov cocktail}}. The house explodes.]'' {{w|Coinage#S|Sneato]]! I have one of my mom. Wanna see?
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Eh, wha? ''[He and Bender sit in the machine and switch bodies.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Larry the Murder Burglar''': Sure.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Well, I'm off to the royal yacht for a quick seduce-and-snatch. ''[He takes the pocket watch out of the Professor's chest cabinet.]''</poem>


:''[Amy shows him the tattoo on her butt. Kif stutters incoherently.]''
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' See ya!</poem>


''[A clerk is handing Bender back everything that was confiscated from him: a hat, a full roast chicken and an accordion]''
<poem>'''Farnsworth''' ''[in Bender’s body.]'': Now then, Amy, we'll simply switch bodies, and then we'll... we'll... No, I'd be back in my body, but then you and Bender would be switched. And the Amy and Bender bodies can't trade minds again, since they just did.</poem>


<poem>'''Kif''': ''[To Amy]'' I just don't understand why you have to flirt with every bad boy in sight.
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Oh no! Is it possible to get everyone back to normal using four or more bodies?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Quit exaggerating.</poem>
<poem>'''Farnsworth''' ''[in Bender’s body.]’’: I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH. </poem>


:''[A criminal that Smitty and URL are escorting gets loose. He steals a lightsaber and holds it to Amy's throat.]''
:''['''Scene''': NNY. Harbor. Bender is swimming to [[RMS Overkill|Nikolai's yacht]].]''


<poem>'''Criminal''': Nobody move, or sweet cheeks here gets it!
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Stupid, air-needing lungs. ''[He climbs onto the boat. He gasps.]'' The crown jewels. Now I just have to locate the guard and seduce him in... ''[He checks the watch.]'' Four seconds?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': ''[Giggling]'' Oh! You're bad!
<poem>'''[[Basil]]''': Who goes there?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''URL''': ''[He performs the Vulcan Neck Pinch on the criminal]'' Momma said, Spock you out!
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' ''[Counting down.]'' Three, two, one. Hello, big boy. ''[He comes out, imitating porn music and dancing.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Kif''': That's it, Amy. Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats. You and I are through. ''[He walks off. Amy looks heartbroken.]''
<poem>'''Basil''': Silence! I am Basil, the emperor's cousin and chief of his royal guard. And I shall not be seduced by a... ''[He gets punched and falls down.]</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': ''[He is holding the accordion.]'' Aw! Here's a little song I wrote to cheer you up. It's called, ''[singing]'' Let's go already!</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' I said, "Wow chica wow wow".</poem>


:''['''Scene''': [[Forbidden Planet Hollywood]]. Where tourists come to mingle with tourists]''
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express. Amy, in Farnsworth’s body, is eating ribs. She throws the bone away and mutters in {{w|Cantonese}}.]''


:''[Pan over the various exhibits, from {{sw|Chewbacca|Chewbacca's}} feet to {{w|Iron Man|Iron Man's}} underpants, {{w|Elvis|Elvis'}} pelvis and [[Calculon|Calculon's]] agent.]''
<poem>'''Leela''': Professor, what's the matter.</poem>


:''[Bender, [[Fry]], [[Leela]] and Amy are seated at a table]''
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' I'm Amy. The Professor and I switched bodies.</poem>


<poem>'''Leela''': Here's to Amy, single, lonely, and fabulous.
<poem>'''Leela''': Oh, lord.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Thanks everybody. Looks like I'm back in the game.
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' All I wanted was to gorge myself a little, but I can't digest anything with these false teeth and this hit-or-miss colon.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Yeah, the game of {{w|Old Maid}}. ''[He laughs]''
<poem>'''Leela''': At least, you get the senior discount at the movies. I hate paying $14 to see {{w|Nicolas Cage}} {{w|National Treasure (franchise)|solve things}}.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Security woman''': Excuse me, sir, are those yours? ''[Bender is wearing Chewbacca's feet]''
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' If you want to save $2, we could switch bodies.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': You're damn right. And, before you ask, this is mine too. ''[He opens his chest cabinet revealing {{w|Lassie}}. She barks]''
<poem>'''Leela''': We could always switch back, right? ''[Amy grins.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': Tough break, Amy. Are you and Kif getting divorced?
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express, Lounge. Amy, in Leela's body, is {{w|deep-frying}} something.]''


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': No. Technically we were [[Coinage#F|Fonfon rus]], so we weren't really married.
<poem>'''Fry''': Hey, Leela. Mmm. What smells saturated?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Wow! The interesting thing about that is ''[He starts snoring]''
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Leela’s body.]'' Deep-fried ice cream sandwich wrapped in frosting and lightly {{w|Bacon|baconed}}.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a sack of yesterday's turds?
<poem>'''Fry''': Woah. That sounds like something Amy would say and eat.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': He says I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid.
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Leela’s body.]'' I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. ''[She puts {{w|ketchup}} on her "creation".</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': The truth is often stupid. ''[He blows smoke in her face and sprinkles her with ash]''
<poem>'''Fry''': [[Fry-Amy relationship|So Leela's in your body?]]</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me?
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Not exactly. ''[Fry makes a revolted sound.]'' Aha! You do only like me for my body.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Shut up, baby, you love it.
<poem>'''Fry''': That is entirely not true, sir!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?
:''['''Scene''': Nikolai's yacht. Bender has Basil tied up.]''


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': What?</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy's body.]'' Now to go switch bodies with Zoidberg, sneak past the metal detector and clip the alarm wires, all in less than... ''[He checks the watch.]'' Ten minutes ago! Oh! ''[He throws the watch through the metal detector, setting it off. Alarms sound and lights focus on him. Nikolai walks up behind him and cocks a gun.]'' Uh, could you come back when my chump gets here?</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Amy's apartment]''  
:''[Time Lapse. Basil is free and removing the last of the binding.]''


<poem>'''Amy''': ''[In bed with Bender]'' That was great.
<poem>'''Nikolai''': Now then, what is a filthy human doing aboard my royal yacht?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Shut up. ''[Amy climbs on top of him and they start kissing]'' Come over here.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' With all due respect, Your Majesty, I'm a robot like you. I just switch bodies with some bimbo. Go ahead, ask me something only a robot would know.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Tube Transport System. Bender and Amy are talking]''
<poem>'''Nikolai''': Ah, a reverse {{w|Turing test}}, eh? Very good. What is the square root of nine?</poem>


<poem>'''Amy''' Remember, love between a [[human]] and a [[robot]] is taboo. ''[She takes a brush from Bender's cabinet and fixes her hair.]'' We can't tell anyone, not even our co-workers.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Hold on, let me just get out a pencil. ''[He sighs.]'' Okay, look, I'm not that kind of robot. I'm more this kind. ''[He starts {{w|beat boxing}} and {{w|moon walk (dance)|Moonwalking}}.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Got it. I'll show the utmost discretion as we get nasty in this glass tube. ''[They begin kissing]''</poem>
<poem>'''Basil''': He steps forwards but moves backwards.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Planet Express Meeting room. The [[Planet Express Crew|crew]] is sitting around the table. Hermes looks sick]''
<poem>'''Nikolai''': By the gods! he is a machine!</poem>


<poem>'''[[Hermes]]''': I think I'm coming down with [[circusitis]]. ''[He sneezes and his face gets traditional clown fare: make-up, rainbow wig, and rubber nose.]''
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express, the Professor's lab.]''


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': I thought circusitis only affected children.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' No, that won't restore everyone, either. Besides, I don't want my decrepit old body back! I'm running away with this invincible robot body and joining something!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Hermes''': Children of all ages.
:''['''Scene''': Circus Roboticus. Inside a tent.]''


</poem><poem>'''[[Zoidberg]]''': Bender, old friend. What's on your face?
<poem>'''[["Fishy" Joseph Gilman|Fishy Joe]]''': I paid for 15 Robot Clowns per cubic meter of car, and you're barely giving me 12. Now crumple up and get in... And fasten your seat belts.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': ''[He has a lipstick mark on his face. He covers it up.]'' Uh. Blood. You know, from shaving of the face-beard.
<poem>'''[[Robot Clowns|Robot Clown]]''': Oh, come on!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': Amy, are those gear imprints on your sweatpants?
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' Good day. I am Nonchalanto, the robot daredevil. And my dream is to risk my life in strange and original ways.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Uh, maybe. So what?
<poem>'''Fishy Joe''': Hmm. You don't look so foolhardy to me.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': I only brought it up because Bender is wearing them.
:''[The Professor takes the 5 of spades and puts it in his mouth. He unscrews his head and puts in on a lever. He jumps on to the opposing end, launching his head into the air. He takes an out {{w|automatic rifle}} and shoots at his head. His head lands in his neck and he shows Fishy the card. He shot through each of the spades.]''


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': ''[He clears his throat]'' Uh, I stole them from her. Yeah, that's it, call the cops.
<poem>'''Fishy Joe''': That's the dumbest thing anybody's ever done. Your hired! ''[A [[Robot Acrobat|robot trapeze artist]] falls to the ground.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Hermes''': Oh, my swollen feet. ''He takes his feet out of the tub of water. They have turned into clown shoes]'' I better take my pills. ''[He opens the container and rubber springs fly out]''</poem>
:''['''Scene''': Nikolai's yacht. Bender and Nikolai are talking.]''


:''['''Scene''': NNY street]''
<poem>'''Nikolai''': So you’re a common [[Bending Units|bending robot]] with a human peasant roommate?</poem>


<poem>'''Bender''': Amy, I reckon sweet talk don't come natural to me, but of everyone I've ever dated, you are probably in the top ten.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Oh, crap, that is what I am!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Aw, you always say just the wrong thing in just the right way. ''[They kiss]''
<poem>'''Nikolai''': No, Bender, I envy you. I'm so bored with all of these pretentious trappings. The jewels, the parties, the beautiful [[Fembot|robo women]].</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Preacherbot]]''': Sinners! [[Robosexuality]] is an abomination!
<poem>'''[[Princess Flavia]]''': Hello.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Oy, this guy.
:''[Bender's jaw drops.]''


</poem><poem>'''Preacherbot''': The good book sayeth a robot shall not lie down with a human, nor do it standing up, nor any angle in between.</poem>
<poem>'''Nikolai''': My fiancée, Princess Flavia. Dearest, meet Bender. He's a robot in the body of a {{w|Chinese people|Chinese}} [[Mars|Martian]] physicist.</poem>


''[A crowd has formed. They agree with the Preacherbot]''
<poem>'''Flavia''': How tedious. ''[She walks off.]''</poem>


<poem>'''Bender''': Look! A single mother! Let's get her! ''[The crowd runs off]''</poem>
<poem>'''Nikolai''': Oh, to escape this gilded cage for a day.</poem>


:''[Bender and Amy walk off]''
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' You know, we could trade bodies. I could take over the humdrum royal stuff and you could be an regular Joe for a day. ''[He stares at the crown.]'' Or more. Much more.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': [[Planet Express ship]] basement.]''
<poem>'''Nikolai''': In that horrible non-robot body. Sir, I have my standards.</poem>


<poem>'''[[Farnsworth]]''': Quickly, into the ship's basement! ''[Dr. Zoidberg scrambles into the basement and closes the door behind him. Everyone else is already there.]'' Now, then, as you all know, the county fair is approaching once again, so I'm preparing my entry of pickled winds and weathers. ''[Pan over the individual jars of weather]'' I've got sunny, snow flurry, hail with onions, even my grandmother's cranberry-raisin typhoon, but no tornado. I'll be damned if I let Mrs. Girdleson take the blue ribbon again. ''[He opens some blinds revealing a farmhouse being blown away in a typhoon, it has Bender's graffiti on it.]'' That's why I need you folks to get out there and harvest a nice ripe one. This cattle prod should help.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Ah, but what if I could put you in my fabulous bending-robot body?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': How is that? ''[She gets zapped by the prod and screams.]''
<poem>'''Nikolai''': ''[He giggles.]'' Me, posing as a lowly bending unit? How wicked! But wait, I'm supposed to give a speech at the [[UN]] tomorrow. Can I trust you to do it?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': Get out there!</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' You can trust anything.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': [[Planet Tornadus]]. The crew are situated around a tornado. They are using jet packs and a device to extract the tornado.]''
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express, hangar.]''


<poem>'''Leela''': Is everybody in position?
<poem>'''Fry''': So now Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': What?
<poem>'''[[Hermes]]''': You aren't, are you?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Zoidberg''': Is someone talking?
<poem>'''Fry''': Of course not! But I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': Okay, good. On three. One.
<poem>'''Hermes''': A man can give her a toke of her own medicine.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Hermes''': What did she say?
<poem>'''Fry''': Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': Two.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Friends! Friends! I've got {{w|barnacles}} on my tuchus! ''[He shows them.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Wait, I'm not in position. ''[He is being blown around by the winds]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': The long search is over.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': Three.
:''['''Scene''': Outside Planet Express.]''


</poem><poem>'''Zoidberg''': I'm ready for the countdown.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Wait here and earn interest while I find my robot body.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express, lounge. Leela, in Farnsworth’s body, is reading ''Great American {{w|gerbil|Gerbils}}''. [[Scruffy]] and the [[wash bucket]] are mopping the floor.]''


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': She said, "Go!"</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Professor?</poem>


:''[Everyone begins shooting wildly at the tornado.]''
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Leela. Amy?</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Planet Express Ship basement]''
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Bender. Have you seen my body? I think the Professor's in it.</poem>


<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Good work, everyone. ''[A tornado has someone been shoved into a large tube. It is attached to a pickle jar by a hose.]''
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Yeah, he said something about running away. Then he ran away.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': Honestly, that went better than I expected.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' What? Wither?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': I just need to reduce it down into this pickle jar, toss in a bay leaf to impress those stupid judges. ''[He puts the leaf into the pickle jar.]''  
:''['''Scene''': Circus Roboticus. Farnsworth in Bender’s body is attempting to land on a target carried by the Robot Clowns. They attempt to get under him but he lands in the audience. The audience cheers.]''


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': Hey, where's Amy and Bender.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' What am I gonna do? I got an emperor all patsied up to switch bodies, but only with another robot!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Zoidberg''': They're missing out on some hot pickle action. ''[He licks his mouth flaps.]''</poem>
<poem>'''[[Wash bucket]]''': Wash bucket full.</poem>


:''[The Professor presses a button and turns a switch on his machine. The tornado is being decanted into the pickle jar. Bender and Amy can be heard giggling.]''
<poem>'''Scruffy''': Scruffy's work here is done. ''[He props up the mop and goes to the couch. He lies down and starts reading ''Extra-Long Honkers''.]''</poem>


<poem>'''Hermes''': Sounds like a muskrat's caught in there.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' ''[He looks at the wash bucket calculatingly. Cut to the Professor's lab where he and the wash bucket switch bodies.]''</poem>


:''[Amy's sweatshirt whips around in the tornado.]''
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in the wash bucket’s body.]'' Now to find Emperor Von Richendoof.</poem>


<poem>'''Leela''': That's Amy's sweatshirt!</poem>
<poem>'''Wash bucket''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' Now to find Scruffy. ''[She walks past Fry and Zoidberg.]''</poem>


:''[Bender's hat appears]''
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. ''[He and Fry switch bodies.]''</poem>


<poem>'''Fry''': And that's Bender's hat from the Player's ball!
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' In your face, Leela. ''[He walks out, past Nikolai and Bender wash bucket’s body.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Hermes''': Sweet tornadoes of Barbados! Bender and Amy have been torn to shreds!
<poem>'''Nikolai''': If you're a bender, why is your body full of fetid water?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': [He presses a few more buttons and more of Bender's and Amy's things appear in the whirlwind.]'' Oh, the humanity! Also Bender!
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in the wash bucket’s body.]'' If you're an emperor, why don't you shut up? Move it, Fry. ''[He pushes Zoidberg out of his seat and switches with Nikolai.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': ''[The whirlwind whips faster revealing Bender and Amy. The tornado stops and they fall to the floor, still kissing.]'' Uh-oh!
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai’s body.]'' Well, so long.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': What's going on here?
<poem>'''Nikolai''': ''[in the wash bucket’s body.]'' Wait! Point me to my normal human roommate!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Uh. ''[He antenna recedes.]'' Nothing.</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai’s body.]'' That's him there, maybe. ''[He points to Zoidberg.]'' Got to go!</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Planet Express Meeting room. Everyone except the Professor is sitting. The Professor is pacing back and forth.
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': ''[in Fry’s body.]'' Robot?</poem>


<poem>'''Farnsworth''': A pair of deviant robosexuals. Not under my roof!
<poem>'''Nikolai''': ''[in the wash bucket’s body.]'' Yes, 'tis I, Bender. Do you not recognize your own best friend?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': What about ''on'' the roof?
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': ''[in Fry’s body.]'' Aha! The guy in this body has a friend! Bender, old pal! It's me, the Fry! ''[He hugs Nikolai.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth</poem><poem>''' Get your mind out of the gutter!
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express, meeting room. Leela, in the Professor's body, is talking on the phone.]''


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': What about in the gutter?
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' But then Nicolas Cage discovered that the real treasure was his family. Yes, I'll hold.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': Professor, there is nothing wrong with robosexuality.
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Hey, Leela, look! I'm in Zoidberg.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Hermes''': Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what happens between two consenting adults.
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' ''[She put a hand over her right eye.]'' Fry?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Zoidberg''': Or one!
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Oh, you're not so shallow that you find me repulsive because of my body, are you? ''[He makes tentacles come out his armpits.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Thanks, guys. Everything will be okay just as long as [[Amy's parents|my parents]] don't find out.
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' ''[She gags.]'' Not at all. ''[The door opens. Amy has made Leela's body overweight. She unwraps some butter and eats it.]'' Amy, stop it! Fry, help! She's turning me into a parade float!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''Zai jian.'' ''[He begins whistling innocently and walks to the door. A doorbell rings. He opens it. Leo and Inez are there.]''
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Eww! look at her! ''[Amy leave the room.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Mom? Dad?
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Oh. So you're so shallow that my body disgusts you if it puts on a little extra weight?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Leo Wong|Leo]]''': Come home, Amy. It your decision. We can't make you. ''[He pulls out a lasso and lassos Amy]'' Atta girl!</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' That wasn't a little extra weight.</poem>


''[The Professor closes his cellphone again and begins whistling]''
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Admit it! You don't care about the inner me at all!</poem>


<poem>'''Bender''': Uh-oh! not the innocent whistling!
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' No, you admit it! You'd be ashamed to be seen in public with someone as hideous as me!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Preacherbot''': ''[The doorbell rings and the Preacherbot is there]'' Repent!
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Would not!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Oy, this guy. ''[A magnet attaches to his chest cabinet and he is dragged off.]''</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Oh, yeah? Then I challenge you to a romantic dinner at [[Elzar's]] tonight.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Wong Ranch. No {{w|Brokeback Mountain|Brokebacking}}]''
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' It's on.</poem>


<poem>'''[[Inez Wong|Inez]]''': Look, we're your family. And if you can't talk about your problems with us, that would be great.
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express, lounge. Amy is still eating butter.]''


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': I don't have a problem! I'm in a happy relationship that just happens to be robosex-
<poem>'''Hermes''': Sweet {{w|orca}} of {{w|Majorca}}! You make {{w|Fat Albert}} look like Normal Albert!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leo''': ''[Cutting across her.]'' You finish that word, you kill your parents.
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Leela’s body.]'' I don't know what to do. Do you think I should eat more butter?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Wine Bucket]]''': Low wine level detected. ''[He fills Amy's glass]''
<poem>'''Hermes''': I am putting a stop to this, right now! Come on! We're switching bodies.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Thank you.
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Leela’s body.]'' Hermes, no! I'll ruin your body, too!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leo''': Stop seducing him, you hussy!
<poem>'''Hermes''': Three decades of the munchies beat you to it.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Dad, gleesh! I'm attracted to Bender, not his emotionless wine bucket!
:''['''Scene''': Circus Roboticus. A poster is advertising Nonchalanto. A robot turns on a {{w|chainsaw}} and eats it. The Professor eats a lit bomb.]''


</poem><poem>'''Wine Bucket''': ''[A tear rolls down its face]'' Hopes deleted.</poem>
<poem>'''[[Big Bertha]]''': You make quite a show, young man. ''[A robot {{w|Howitzer}} rolls in.]'' You remind me of myself as a young cannon.</poem>


''['''Scene''': [[Camp Rectifier]]. Praying on the weak since [[2976]].]''
<poem>'''[[Chainsaw-Eating Robot]]''': Big Bertha is the circus's ''grande dame''. She shoots robots through the air.</poem>


<poem>'''Preacherbot''': Robotic brothers, the path to [[Robot Hell] is paved with human flesh.  
<poem>'''Bertha''': ''[She belches and shoots a robot into the air.]'' Excuse me. Too much {{w|goulash}}.</poem>


</poem>''[In addition to Bender, there is the Hermaphrobot, [[Fatbot]], and an unknown robot]''
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' I've always wanted to be shot out of something. How about a quick blast after lunch.</poem>


<poem>'''Bender''': Neat!
<poem>'''Bertha''': Alas, a fine big one like you would shatter my barrel. But, ah, to amaze the crowd once more.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Preacherbot''': Over the course of this escape-proof workshop, your software will be reprogrammed through prayer. And by some tech support guys in India.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' I understand the problem of age, but suppose I could put you into a new body?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Unknown Robot''': But I read in ''Esqwired'' that some robots are hardwired to be robosexual.
<poem>'''Bertha''': Never! My body may be old, but it is mine, and every crack a memory of heavy things shot a long way. Good day.''[She rolls away.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Preacherbot''': Don't believe those lies, son! The one ones worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get an "Amen"?
:''['''Scene''': Nikolai's yacht. Bender, in Nikolai's body pours a glass of jewels and drinks.]''


</poem><poem>'''[[Hermaphrobot]]''': I'll take a-three-men, holla!</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai’s body.]'' Ah! I have everything I every wanted. Money, wealth, riches. Yet something's missing. A hot princess with which to get(?) grizzly.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Wong Ranch. Amy is rocking on a porch swing.]''
<poem>'''Flavia''': ''[She walks in front of Bender.]'' Hello.</poem>


<poem>'''Inez''': Come on, Amy! Pick a male human already! ''[There is a line of men standing near the porch.]'' I want to be a grandmother nine months from five minutes from now.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai’s body.]'' Hello, baby! ''[She pulls out a gun.]'' Huh? Hey, what's going on here? And why are you kissing my dashing cousin instead of me?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Cut it out, Mom! I'm not interesting in any of these gross, ugly losers.
<poem>'''Flavia''': Nikolai, you imperial fool! We've been having an affair for 700 years.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': ''[Walking up]'' What about this gross, ugly, smelly loser?
<poem>'''Basil''': At long last, I shall kill you, blame the burglar and inherit the throne. ''[He pulls out a sword. Bender spits the jewels out.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leo''': Fry! What you doing here?
<poem>'''Flavia''': Farewell, Nikolai.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': I'm here to rescue Amy, uh... from here robosexual desires. ''[He winks.]''
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai’s body.]'' Wait! I'm not Nikolai! I'm Bender, the fabulous body-switching burglar. ''[He moonwalks.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways? ''[She winks back.]''
<poem>'''Basil''': So you are. However, you do have Nikolai's body, and that's the part we want to kill. ''[He turns on the sword. It works like a chain saw. Basil forces Bender to back up and fall overboard.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leo''': Look at that awkward winking.  
:''['''Scene''': Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Leela, in the Professor's body, and Fry, in Zoidberg's body, are having their date.]''


</poem><poem>'''Inez''': It must be love. ''[Fry and Amy walk off]''</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Great food, huh? ''[He burps out of his {{w|gills}}. The rest of the restaurant groans in disgust.]''</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Planet Express ship]''
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Ew!</poem>


<poem>'''Amy''': My parents may be evil, but at least their stupid.</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Camp Rectifier]''
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' No, it only makes you more attractive. ''[She spits her {{w|dentures}} into her wine glass. Everyone watching groans again.]''</poem>


<poem>'''Preacherbot''': ''[The campers and the Preacherbot are standing near some dummies of humans.]'' In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons. Your shapely, buxom, human demons.
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Ew!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Fatbot]]''': Look at the rack on that one! I mean, that one on the rack!
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Preacherbot''': ''[He blows a whistle and the campers each jump on a dummy and start fondling them.] Good! That's real good! ''[He wipes away some sweat.]'' Okay, everybody switch demons. No point sticking with just one demon. ''[The campers all switch dummies.]'' Now, work it hard! Harder! Till the sin explodes out of you! Mmmm. Mercy. Okay, Lord's work is done. Now, now, cuddle. Cuddle with your demons. 
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Oh, Amy. I wonder where you are right now!
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' You mean, like my penis? ''[Fry gags and a worm comes out of his mouth.]'' Eh!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': I'm inside the dummy to rescue you.
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Admit it! You're disgusted by me!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': That answers that. Wait... Amy? ''[He begins kissing the demon]''
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' No, you're disgusted by me!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': ''[Fry and Leela can be heard groaning]'' Bender, be careful!
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? Blech.
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Prove it! ''[They start making out while the other restaurant goers scream. Pan over to Amy, in Hermes' body, watching them. The {{w|ice cream}} she is about to eat falls onto the table.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Zoidberg''': I guess we should have waited in the ship.</poem>
:''['''Scene''': [[Robot Arms Apartments]].]''


:''['''Scene''': Planet Express meeting room. Bender and Amy are kissing.]''
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': ''[in Fry's body.]'' Well, Bender, here's our apartment that we live in everyday. ''[He opens the door and looks inside.]'' A floor? We live like kings?</poem>


<poem>'''Bender''': Listen up, everybody, I love Amy and I'm tired of pussyfootcupping around! I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of her life with. Amy, ''[He lowers his body and pulls a ring out of his chest cabinet. It has a tag that says exhibit A.]'' will you marry me?
<poem>'''Nikolai''': ''[in the wash bucket’s body.]'' Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class {{w|cognac}} from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': Yes! Yes!</poem>
<poem>'''Zoidberg''': ''[in Fry's body.]'' ''[He starts looking in the dishwasher, which he breaks and rips off the wall. Nikolai screams as the kitchen starts to flood.]'' Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box. ''[He rips the oven off the wall and places it where the dishwasher was. Gas starts leaking.]''</poem>


:''[Everyone else beside the Professor begins cheering]''
<poem>'''Nikolai''': ''[in the wash bucket’s body.]'' ''[Finding cigars in a cabinet.]''  Ah, cigars. Light me up, old friend. ''[Zoidberg pulls out a lighter. Cut to outside where a fireball shoots out of the building. Bender, in Nikolai's body, runs past. Basil and Flavia are chasing him. Two robots walk in front of Bender.]''</poem>


<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day! Wait a second, ''[He checks his pulse and hears only one beat]'' No!
<poem>'''Robot''': There you are, Emperor Nikolai. It's time for your speech to the UN.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Zoidberg''': ''[He is admiring Amy's ring]'' Such a stone. Is it real? ''[Amy pulls up Zoidberg's coat and uses the diamond to cut through Zoidberg's skin, revealing his internal organs.]'' Horray!
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai's body.]'' The what now? ''[Laser blasts hit the robots. Bender screams and runs away.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': Horray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal!
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express. Scruffy is reading ''Janitor's Quarterly. Someone walks into to his room.]''


</poem><poem>'''Leela''': Not in [[Space Massachusetts]].
<poem>'''Scruffy''': Miss Wong?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': You mean Space-tax-achusetts. No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
<poem>'''Wash bucket''': ''[in Amy’s body.]'' No, Scruffy, I am wash bucket. I love you. Wash bucket has always loved you. ''[They kiss but Scruffy pulls away.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Hermes''': Yeah, man! You got to legalize it!
<poem>'''Scruffy''': It's wrong, wash bucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': We're talking about robosexual marriage.
<poem>'''Wash bucket''': ''[in Amy’s body.]''  In another city, we could be anyone we want!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Hermes''': We're talking about lots of stuff.</poem>
<poem>'''Scruffy''': Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay.</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Gearwhich Village Pride Parade. Fry is eating a hot dog.]''
:''[She leaves. Scruffy lays down on his bed, sobbing for a second.]''


:''[The Hot Dog Stand grows limbs and a head.]''
<poem>'''Scruffy''': Yep.</poem>


<poem>'''Fry''': Cool! Can you turn into a race car?
:''['''Scene''': UN building. [[Nixon]] is addressing the delegates.]''


</poem><poem>'''Hot Dog Stand''': Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer.
<poem>'''Nixon''': Please welcome an insane dictator, and one heck of a bowler, Emperor Nikolai!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''' ''[on stage]'' Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai's body.]'' ''[He runs on stage.]'' Thanks, Nixon. How we doing?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''[[Hedonism Bot]]''' ''[In a bondage outfit]'' Squeaky, squishy clean! ''[The Hot Dog Stand vomits hot dogs on Hedonism Bot.]''
<poem>'''Woman''': I love you, Your Majesty.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': But it's time to discuss a pressing issue, the right to marry who, or what, we want! ''[The crowd cheers]''
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai's body.]'' Shut up, madam ambassador, I know it. Anyhow, ''[He clears his throat.]'' I'd now like to digress from my prepared remarks to say, "I'm done". ''[The ambassadors cheer.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Every other couple has the right to marry, robot and fembot, ''[Cut to the [[Donbot]] and [[Fanny]],'' man and woman, ''[Pan to [[Pauly Shore]] and [[Michelle]],'' man and man ''[Pan to [[Randy Munchnik]], [[Soupy|his partner]], and their poodle.]''
<poem>'''Basil''': ''[He jumps onto the stage and holds Bender at sword-point.]'' Ladies and gentlemen, this robot is an impostor! ''[The ambassadors all gasp. The Chinese ambassador puts his hand to his translator and listens. After a moment, he gasps. Basil turns on his sword.]'' I shall enjoy this.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Randy''': Our poodle has ''two'' daddies.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai's body.]'' Not me.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Interracial, ''[Pan to two aliens who are half-black and half-white]'', Interplanetary, ''[Pan to a blob and a woman]'', even ghost and horse, ''[a ghost is floating nearby with a horse inside its body]'' but not robot and human.</poem>
:''['''Scene''': Circus Roboticus. Everyone is watching what is happening in the UN building on a [[TV Robot]]]''


:''[The crowd boos]''
<poem>'''Chainsaw-Eating Robot''': That devil, Basil, will kill our emperor.</poem>


<poem>'''Amy''': That's why we're introducing this ballot initiative to legalize robosexual marriage. </poem>
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' You're Robo-Hungarian?</poem>


''[The crowd cheers]''
<poem>'''Robot Carny''': Yes. Our nation's chief export is carnies.</poem>


<poem>'''Bender''': If you hate intolerance and begin punched in the face by me, please support [[Proposition ∞|Proposition Infinity]]!</poem>
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' If only there was some way I could get to the UN to help.</poem>


:''[A montage of campaign efforts. Amy pins a button to an alien. He is popped by the button and floats away. Bender puts tile graffiti on URL's back and get hit. The crew holds a sign that reads "Stand up for equality" while nearby the Professor, [[Hattie]] and two others have a sign that reads, "Fall down and be unable to get up for traditional marriage".]''
<poem>'''Bertha''': There is. Get in, Nonchalanto.</poem>


''['''Scene''': √2 News broadcast.]''
<poem>'''Chainsaw-Eating Robot''': Bertha, no! It would kill you!</poem>


<poem>'''Linda''': ''[on TV]'' As election day nears, prop infinity seems doomed to certain defeat.
<poem>'''Bertha''': I have not so much time left anyhow.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Morbo''': ''[on TV]'' Doomed!
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' But you could get a new body! You could have a rich, full life!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Linda''': ''[on TV]'' More fair and balanced coverage after a word from our sponsor, No on Infinity.</poem>
<poem>'''Bertha''': I am ''trying'' to have a rich, full life. ''[The Chainsaw-Eating Robot lights the fuse.]'' Long live Robo-Hungary! ''[The impact breaks Bertha's barrel. She groans and is caught by the Chainsaw-Eating Robot.]''</poem>


:''[A Parody of the National Organization for Marriage's ad begins. Storm clouds roll in.]''
:''[The Professor is shot through the air, across the city, and lands in the UN building.]''


<poem>'''Actor 1''': A storm is gathering.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai's body.]'' Me! Thank God you've come!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Actor 2''': A storm of robosexual marriage that will rain down on us like fire.
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' ''[He pulls out his own sword.]'' This is for Big Bertha. ''[He missed and gets the sword stuck in a podium.]'' That is not what I meant to give you for Big Bertha.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Actor 1''': It's probably a firestorm.
:''['''Scene''': [[Leela's Apartment]]. Leela and Fry are in bed.''


</poem><poem>'''Actress''': If robosexual marriage becomes legal, imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any. As a mother, those things worry me.
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' That was nice.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Man''' ''[Voice over]'' Vote No on Infinity. Paid for by the [[Farnsworth Foundation]].</poem>
<poem>'''Fry''': ''[in Zoidberg’s body.]'' Oh, yeah. ''[Leela turns on the TV and sees what is happening in the UN. They both gasp. Fry's crest pops up.]''</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Planet Express Lounge.]''
:''['''Scene''': UN building. The Professor and Basil are still dueling. The Professor gets his foot caught in Nixon's jar.]''


<poem>'''Amy''': We can't compete against that much stock footage of clouds! We're boned!
<poem>'''Nixon''': Ow. Ow. Arrooo! ''[He gets thrown off-stage and his jar shatters.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': But we still have one hope, my big televised debate! I'm our A in the hole!
:''[Basil disarms the Professor. The Professor's sword flies off and cleaves the Chinese ambassador's arm off. The ambassador puts his hand to his translator and listens. After a moment, he gasps.]''  


</poem><poem>'''Fry''': Professor, who's debating for your side?
<poem>'''Basil''': Whoever you are, you're the bravest robot I've ever seen. ''[He trips the Professor.]'' I like killing brave things.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, that guy, you know, I forget his name.</poem>
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' Good, because I've got 20 of them per cubic meter. ''[He opens his chest cabinet and the carnies fly out and mow down Basil.]''</poem>


:''['''Scene''': Debate Hall]''
<poem>'''Boy''': When I grow up, I wanna be a diplomat!</poem>


<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[Pointing to a live image of himself on a television screen.]'' That's him!
:''['''Scene''': Planet Express. Leela's body is back to normal.]''


</poem><poem>'''[[George Takei's head]]''': Good evening, I'm George Takei's head and neck, your host for tonight's debate. You may applaud. ''[The crowd does.]'' We flipped a coin before the debate and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him.
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai's body.]'' Well, if they're is one thing I learned, it's a lesson. I believe this belongs to you. ''[He reaches into his chest cabinet and takes out a phony crown. He puts it on Nikolai's head.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I... Oops. Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I love a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So, please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.</poem>
<poem>'''Nikolai''': ''[in the wash bucket’s body.]'' I shall sell it to help the common folk, now that I understand their misery.</poem>


:''[The crowd cheers and applauds''
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[in Nikolai's body.]'' Yeah, good luck with that.</poem>


<poem>'''Takei''': I haven't heard such an eloquent speech since [[William Shatner|Bill Shatner]] explained why he couldn't pay me back. Rebuttal, Professor?
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' I must say, Hermes, you've got a smoking-hot body.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': This $4 coffee pot talks about love, but what he describes is perversion.
<poem>'''Hermes''': ''[in Leela’s body.]'' I was inspired by Amy. ''[Hermes' body has lost most of its fat.]''</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': You wouldn't know perversion if it put clamps on your testicles! You're just jealous, 'cause you've never known true love.
<poem>'''Leela''': ''[in Farnsworth’s body.]'' Wow! How did you do it.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': Oh, no? Back when I was full of piss and vinegar, and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl to ever skip through a field of posies. ''[Flashback to a younger Professor and Eunice skipping through posies.]'' Her name was Eunice, and we spent our blissful days working in a lab, developing a poison to wipe out that dreadful posy infestation. ''[Farnsworth handes Eunice some posies and she drips poison on them. They wilt. The Professor and Eunice kiss.]'' I thought our love would last forever. But then, 43 years later, she left me ''[Eunice is in bed with a robot.]'' for a robot! ''[End flashback]'' How could she do that to me, her Farnypoo?
<poem>'''Amy''': ''[in Hermes’s body.]'' Well, there I was at Elzar's, eating a nice pork sundae and suddenly, I just lost my appetite. ''[Leela strokes Fry's mouth flaps.]'' Forever.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Amy''': That's it? You hate robosexual 'cause your girlfriend left you for a robot?
<poem>'''[["Sweet" Clyde Dixon|Sweet Clyde]]''': ''[He is working on an equation.]'' Q to the E to the D!</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Farnsworth''': She didn't just leave me for a robot. She ''was'' a robot! ''[The crowd gasps.]'' Oh, God! Her name wasn't Eunice, it was Unit! [[Unit 47]]. ''[The same flower scene plays but Eunice is replaced with Unit 47.]'' My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took my anger out on robosexuals everywhere. I'm so ashamed! At the risk of losing this debate, I beg you, support Proposition Infinity. ''[The crowd cheers]''
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' So it is possible us all to get back to our original bodies?</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Give me a hug. ''[He jumps the Professor]''
<poem>'''[[Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate|Bubblegum]]''': Stone-cold munching, Prof. Sweet Clyde, characterize your inversion theorem.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''George Takei's head''': I, too, am hugging them in spirit. And now, they're hugging me back. ''Oh, my!''</poem>
<poem>'''Sweet Clyde''': Basically, no matter how permuted-up your minds are, they can be restored using, at most, two extra players. ''[He and Bubblegum high-five.]''</poem>


''['''Scene''': Planet Express Lounge. The crew is watching TV.]
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': ''[in Bender’s body.]'' And they say pure math has no real-world applications!</poem>


<poem>'''Linda''': ''[on TV]'' In a stunning turnout, voters have approved Proposition Infinity. Robosexual marriage is now legal.
:''[A montage occurs where everyone is restored back to their original bodies.]''


</poem><poem>'''Morbo''': ''[on TV]'' What's next, gay robosexual marriage?</poem>
<poem>'''Sweet Clyde''': Everybody back in their zones? ''[The crew gives various affirmations.]''</poem>


:''[The crew cheers]''
<poem>'''Farnsworth''': Ah! My body may be old, but it is mine. Brilliant work, Clyde. You'll win the {{w|NBA}}’s highest academic honor for this.</poem>


<poem>'''Amy''': We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else!
<poem>'''Nikolai''': Also, I'm making you a {{w|duke}}. ''[He pins a medal to Clyde jersey.]'' So long filthy commoners.</poem>


</poem><poem>'''Bender''': Woo-hoo! Yeah! ... Monogamous? ''[Cut to Bender on a beach with two hookerbots]''</poem>
<poem>'''Bender''': ¡Adiós! And I'm left with the real jewels safely inside... ''[He checks his chest cabinet.]'' ...his compartment!</poem>


:''[Cut back to Planet Express]''
:''[Closing Credits.]''
 
<poem>'''[Radio Announcer]''' And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling. ''[A motercycle revs outside. Kif is driving and wearing a leather jacket, sunglasses and boots.]'' At number 12, it's [[Wailing Fungus]] with "Shut Up and Love Me"</poem>
 
:''[As the song plays, Kif and Amy ride off into the sunset.]''


:''[Closing Credits.]''
<poem>'''Bender''': ''[Over credits.]'' All right. I'll need accomplices.</poem>


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Latest revision as of 05:54, 8 February 2020

Transcript for
The Prisoner of Benda
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed byTeyrn of Highever


Linda: Tonight, at 11:00.

Morbo: Doom!

[Opening Credits: What happens in Cygnus X-1 Stays in Cygnus X-1.]
[Scene: Planet Express, Lounge. Leela is looking at herself in a hand-held mirror.]

Leela: Boy, that thing's big. Fry, is my colossal eye too big?

[The rest of the crew is watching TV.]

Fry: No, it's what makes you you.

Leela: But it's so round, so hideously round.

Fry: Leela, listen. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

Leela: Oh. So you only care about my looks?

Fry: No, I.... What?

Linda: [on TV.] Finally, New New York got a blast of class today as Nikolai, playboy ruler of the Robo-Hungarian Empire, arrived aboard his extravagant, caviar-powered yacht.

Nikolai: [on TV.] I'm just a humble emperor, with a big, big crown!

Bender: [He turns off the TV.] Of course I'm not planning to steal that crown!

Leela: What?

Bender: True. I've always dreamt of being an emperor. You know, for Halloween, and then forever. But heisting those jewels would be difficult.

Leela: You'd be stupid to try.

Bender: I'll need accomplices. A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard.

Amy: Never! [She walks away.]

Bender: A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires.

Zoidberg: Sorry, I'm set for life after that last job. [He takes an eel out of a bucket label "Aquarium Garbage" and wraps it around himself like a cravat.]

Bender: And finally, a chump, to be caught on video and later arrested.

Fry: As I told you on Sucker-Punch Day, I'm through being a chump.

Bender: Of course, it would all require split-second robotic timing. That's were I come in. You see, I own a watch. [He pulls out a pocket watch.]

[Scene: Planet Express, The Professor's lab. Amy and Prof. Farnsworth are cleaning a machine.]

Farnsworth: There. This time I'm sure I've fixed the mind-switcher.

Amy: Good, I'm sick of cleaning up those heaps of dead monkeys. But why would you want your mind in a new body?

Farnsworth: Well, as a man enters his 18th decade, he thinks back on the mistakes he's made in life.

Amy: Like the heaps of dead monkeys?

Farnsworth: Science cannot move forward without heaps! No, what I regret is the youth I wasted playing it safe.

Amy: I wasted my youth porking out.

Farnsworth: Yes, I remember. [He points to a picture of a fat Amy, captioned "2997 Employee of the Year".]

Amy: Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry.

Farnsworth: Funny, I could use a little extra meat on my bones. [He moves his coat and shows that he is just skin and bones.] Wait a second, if we switch bodies, I could live life to the extreme, and you could indulge your demonic food lust.

Amy: [She gasps.] We are just the people this mind-switcher was made for by us! [They sit in the chairs.] Wait, can I still change my mind?

Farnsworth: Let's find out. [He pushes a button.]

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] It didn't work you doddering old [She gasps.]

Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Ah! Cartilage! Dude, I bid you a fond cowabunga! I'm off to laugh at the Reaper. [He shuffles off. Cut to a mountain where he is party boarding.] Look out, world, here I... [He hits a rock face and snow falls on him. Cut to Planet Express. Amy is eating Bologna substitute from a squeeze bottle.] I'm sorry, Amy, but your body is not up to the task. Also, I don't care for these boobs flapping every which way. Now quit your bologna-gargling and let's switch back to our original bodies.

Bender: Body switcher, eh? Mayhap the heist is back on. Who needs accomplices, if I can just use their bodies.

[Amy and the Professor sit in the machine. The Professor presses the button but the machine starts beeping. He presses multiple times.]

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Professor, what's not happening?

Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Bad news, me. [He presses a button and a diagram of their brains comes up.] I failed to take into account the cerebral immune response.

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] You idiot!

Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Once two bodies have switched minds, they can never switch back. [A dramatic cord plays as Amy covers her mouth.] However, perhaps they can. Maybe we can swap back using a third body for temporary storage space.

Bender: I'm 60% storage space. [He bangs his chassis.]

Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Eh, wha? [He and Bender sit in the machine and switch bodies.]

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Well, I'm off to the royal yacht for a quick seduce-and-snatch. [He takes the pocket watch out of the Professor's chest cabinet.]

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] See ya!

Farnsworth [in Bender’s body.]: Now then, Amy, we'll simply switch bodies, and then we'll... we'll... No, I'd be back in my body, but then you and Bender would be switched. And the Amy and Bender bodies can't trade minds again, since they just did.

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Oh no! Is it possible to get everyone back to normal using four or more bodies?

Farnsworth [in Bender’s body.]’’: I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH.

[Scene: NNY. Harbor. Bender is swimming to Nikolai's yacht.]

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Stupid, air-needing lungs. [He climbs onto the boat. He gasps.] The crown jewels. Now I just have to locate the guard and seduce him in... [He checks the watch.] Four seconds?

Basil: Who goes there?

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] [Counting down.] Three, two, one. Hello, big boy. [He comes out, imitating porn music and dancing.]

Basil: Silence! I am Basil, the emperor's cousin and chief of his royal guard. And I shall not be seduced by a... [He gets punched and falls down.]

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] I said, "Wow chica wow wow".

[Scene: Planet Express. Amy, in Farnsworth’s body, is eating ribs. She throws the bone away and mutters in Cantonese.]

Leela: Professor, what's the matter.

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] I'm Amy. The Professor and I switched bodies.

Leela: Oh, lord.

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] All I wanted was to gorge myself a little, but I can't digest anything with these false teeth and this hit-or-miss colon.

Leela: At least, you get the senior discount at the movies. I hate paying $14 to see Nicolas Cage solve things.

Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] If you want to save $2, we could switch bodies.

Leela: We could always switch back, right? [Amy grins.]

[Scene: Planet Express, Lounge. Amy, in Leela's body, is deep-frying something.]

Fry: Hey, Leela. Mmm. What smells saturated?

Amy: [in Leela’s body.] Deep-fried ice cream sandwich wrapped in frosting and lightly baconed.

Fry: Woah. That sounds like something Amy would say and eat.

Amy: [in Leela’s body.] I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. [She puts ketchup on her "creation".

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Not exactly. [Fry makes a revolted sound.] Aha! You do only like me for my body.

Fry: That is entirely not true, sir!

[Scene: Nikolai's yacht. Bender has Basil tied up.]

Bender: [in Amy's body.] Now to go switch bodies with Zoidberg, sneak past the metal detector and clip the alarm wires, all in less than... [He checks the watch.] Ten minutes ago! Oh! [He throws the watch through the metal detector, setting it off. Alarms sound and lights focus on him. Nikolai walks up behind him and cocks a gun.] Uh, could you come back when my chump gets here?

[Time Lapse. Basil is free and removing the last of the binding.]

Nikolai: Now then, what is a filthy human doing aboard my royal yacht?

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] With all due respect, Your Majesty, I'm a robot like you. I just switch bodies with some bimbo. Go ahead, ask me something only a robot would know.

Nikolai: Ah, a reverse Turing test, eh? Very good. What is the square root of nine?

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Hold on, let me just get out a pencil. [He sighs.] Okay, look, I'm not that kind of robot. I'm more this kind. [He starts beat boxing and Moonwalking.

Basil: He steps forwards but moves backwards.

Nikolai: By the gods! he is a machine!

[Scene: Planet Express, the Professor's lab.]

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] No, that won't restore everyone, either. Besides, I don't want my decrepit old body back! I'm running away with this invincible robot body and joining something!

[Scene: Circus Roboticus. Inside a tent.]

Fishy Joe: I paid for 15 Robot Clowns per cubic meter of car, and you're barely giving me 12. Now crumple up and get in... And fasten your seat belts.

Robot Clown: Oh, come on!

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] Good day. I am Nonchalanto, the robot daredevil. And my dream is to risk my life in strange and original ways.

Fishy Joe: Hmm. You don't look so foolhardy to me.

[The Professor takes the 5 of spades and puts it in his mouth. He unscrews his head and puts in on a lever. He jumps on to the opposing end, launching his head into the air. He takes an out automatic rifle and shoots at his head. His head lands in his neck and he shows Fishy the card. He shot through each of the spades.]

Fishy Joe: That's the dumbest thing anybody's ever done. Your hired! [A robot trapeze artist falls to the ground.]

[Scene: Nikolai's yacht. Bender and Nikolai are talking.]

Nikolai: So you’re a common bending robot with a human peasant roommate?

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Oh, crap, that is what I am!

Nikolai: No, Bender, I envy you. I'm so bored with all of these pretentious trappings. The jewels, the parties, the beautiful robo women.

Princess Flavia: Hello.

[Bender's jaw drops.]

Nikolai: My fiancée, Princess Flavia. Dearest, meet Bender. He's a robot in the body of a Chinese Martian physicist.

Flavia: How tedious. [She walks off.]

Nikolai: Oh, to escape this gilded cage for a day.

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] You know, we could trade bodies. I could take over the humdrum royal stuff and you could be an regular Joe for a day. [He stares at the crown.] Or more. Much more.

Nikolai: In that horrible non-robot body. Sir, I have my standards.

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Ah, but what if I could put you in my fabulous bending-robot body?

Nikolai: [He giggles.] Me, posing as a lowly bending unit? How wicked! But wait, I'm supposed to give a speech at the UN tomorrow. Can I trust you to do it?

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] You can trust anything.

[Scene: Planet Express, hangar.]

Fry: So now Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body.

Hermes: You aren't, are you?

Fry: Of course not! But I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?

Hermes: A man can give her a toke of her own medicine.

Fry: Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.

Zoidberg: Friends! Friends! I've got barnacles on my tuchus! [He shows them.]

Hermes: The long search is over.

[Scene: Outside Planet Express.]

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Wait here and earn interest while I find my robot body.

[Scene: Planet Express, lounge. Leela, in Farnsworth’s body, is reading Great American Gerbils. Scruffy and the wash bucket are mopping the floor.]

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Professor?

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Leela. Amy?

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Bender. Have you seen my body? I think the Professor's in it.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Yeah, he said something about running away. Then he ran away.

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] What? Wither?

[Scene: Circus Roboticus. Farnsworth in Bender’s body is attempting to land on a target carried by the Robot Clowns. They attempt to get under him but he lands in the audience. The audience cheers.]

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] What am I gonna do? I got an emperor all patsied up to switch bodies, but only with another robot!

Wash bucket: Wash bucket full.

Scruffy: Scruffy's work here is done. [He props up the mop and goes to the couch. He lies down and starts reading Extra-Long Honkers.]

Bender: [in Amy’s body.] [He looks at the wash bucket calculatingly. Cut to the Professor's lab where he and the wash bucket switch bodies.]

Bender: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Now to find Emperor Von Richendoof.

Wash bucket: [in Amy’s body.] Now to find Scruffy. [She walks past Fry and Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. [He and Fry switch bodies.]

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] In your face, Leela. [He walks out, past Nikolai and Bender wash bucket’s body.]

Nikolai: If you're a bender, why is your body full of fetid water?

Bender: [in the wash bucket’s body.] If you're an emperor, why don't you shut up? Move it, Fry. [He pushes Zoidberg out of his seat and switches with Nikolai.]

Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Well, so long.

Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Wait! Point me to my normal human roommate!

Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] That's him there, maybe. [He points to Zoidberg.] Got to go!

Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Robot?

Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Yes, 'tis I, Bender. Do you not recognize your own best friend?

Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Aha! The guy in this body has a friend! Bender, old pal! It's me, the Fry! [He hugs Nikolai.]

[Scene: Planet Express, meeting room. Leela, in the Professor's body, is talking on the phone.]

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] But then Nicolas Cage discovered that the real treasure was his family. Yes, I'll hold.

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Hey, Leela, look! I'm in Zoidberg.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] [She put a hand over her right eye.] Fry?

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Oh, you're not so shallow that you find me repulsive because of my body, are you? [He makes tentacles come out his armpits.]

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] [She gags.] Not at all. [The door opens. Amy has made Leela's body overweight. She unwraps some butter and eats it.] Amy, stop it! Fry, help! She's turning me into a parade float!

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Eww! look at her! [Amy leave the room.]

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Oh. So you're so shallow that my body disgusts you if it puts on a little extra weight?

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] That wasn't a little extra weight.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Admit it! You don't care about the inner me at all!

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] No, you admit it! You'd be ashamed to be seen in public with someone as hideous as me!

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Would not!

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Oh, yeah? Then I challenge you to a romantic dinner at Elzar's tonight.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] It's on.

[Scene: Planet Express, lounge. Amy is still eating butter.]

Hermes: Sweet orca of Majorca! You make Fat Albert look like Normal Albert!

Amy: [in Leela’s body.] I don't know what to do. Do you think I should eat more butter?

Hermes: I am putting a stop to this, right now! Come on! We're switching bodies.

Amy: [in Leela’s body.] Hermes, no! I'll ruin your body, too!

Hermes: Three decades of the munchies beat you to it.

[Scene: Circus Roboticus. A poster is advertising Nonchalanto. A robot turns on a chainsaw and eats it. The Professor eats a lit bomb.]

Big Bertha: You make quite a show, young man. [A robot Howitzer rolls in.] You remind me of myself as a young cannon.

Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Big Bertha is the circus's grande dame. She shoots robots through the air.

Bertha: [She belches and shoots a robot into the air.] Excuse me. Too much goulash.

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] I've always wanted to be shot out of something. How about a quick blast after lunch.

Bertha: Alas, a fine big one like you would shatter my barrel. But, ah, to amaze the crowd once more.

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] I understand the problem of age, but suppose I could put you into a new body?

Bertha: Never! My body may be old, but it is mine, and every crack a memory of heavy things shot a long way. Good day.[She rolls away.]

[Scene: Nikolai's yacht. Bender, in Nikolai's body pours a glass of jewels and drinks.]

Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Ah! I have everything I every wanted. Money, wealth, riches. Yet something's missing. A hot princess with which to get(?) grizzly.

Flavia: [She walks in front of Bender.] Hello.

Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Hello, baby! [She pulls out a gun.] Huh? Hey, what's going on here? And why are you kissing my dashing cousin instead of me?

Flavia: Nikolai, you imperial fool! We've been having an affair for 700 years.

Basil: At long last, I shall kill you, blame the burglar and inherit the throne. [He pulls out a sword. Bender spits the jewels out.]

Flavia: Farewell, Nikolai.

Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Wait! I'm not Nikolai! I'm Bender, the fabulous body-switching burglar. [He moonwalks.]

Basil: So you are. However, you do have Nikolai's body, and that's the part we want to kill. [He turns on the sword. It works like a chain saw. Basil forces Bender to back up and fall overboard.]

[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Leela, in the Professor's body, and Fry, in Zoidberg's body, are having their date.]

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Great food, huh? [He burps out of his gills. The rest of the restaurant groans in disgust.]

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Ew!

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] No, it only makes you more attractive. [She spits her dentures into her wine glass. Everyone watching groans again.]

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Ew!

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] You mean, like my penis? [Fry gags and a worm comes out of his mouth.] Eh!

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Admit it! You're disgusted by me!

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] No, you're disgusted by me!

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been!

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Prove it! [They start making out while the other restaurant goers scream. Pan over to Amy, in Hermes' body, watching them. The ice cream she is about to eat falls onto the table.]

[Scene: Robot Arms Apartments.]

Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] Well, Bender, here's our apartment that we live in everyday. [He opens the door and looks inside.] A floor? We live like kings?

Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class cognac from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find.

Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] [He starts looking in the dishwasher, which he breaks and rips off the wall. Nikolai screams as the kitchen starts to flood.] Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box. [He rips the oven off the wall and places it where the dishwasher was. Gas starts leaking.]

Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] [Finding cigars in a cabinet.] Ah, cigars. Light me up, old friend. [Zoidberg pulls out a lighter. Cut to outside where a fireball shoots out of the building. Bender, in Nikolai's body, runs past. Basil and Flavia are chasing him. Two robots walk in front of Bender.]

Robot: There you are, Emperor Nikolai. It's time for your speech to the UN.

Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] The what now? [Laser blasts hit the robots. Bender screams and runs away.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Scruffy is reading Janitor's Quarterly. Someone walks into to his room.]

Scruffy: Miss Wong?

Wash bucket: [in Amy’s body.] No, Scruffy, I am wash bucket. I love you. Wash bucket has always loved you. [They kiss but Scruffy pulls away.]

Scruffy: It's wrong, wash bucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment.

Wash bucket: [in Amy’s body.] In another city, we could be anyone we want!

Scruffy: Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay.

[She leaves. Scruffy lays down on his bed, sobbing for a second.]

Scruffy: Yep.

[Scene: UN building. Nixon is addressing the delegates.]

Nixon: Please welcome an insane dictator, and one heck of a bowler, Emperor Nikolai!

Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] [He runs on stage.] Thanks, Nixon. How we doing?

Woman: I love you, Your Majesty.

Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Shut up, madam ambassador, I know it. Anyhow, [He clears his throat.] I'd now like to digress from my prepared remarks to say, "I'm done". [The ambassadors cheer.]

Basil: [He jumps onto the stage and holds Bender at sword-point.] Ladies and gentlemen, this robot is an impostor! [The ambassadors all gasp. The Chinese ambassador puts his hand to his translator and listens. After a moment, he gasps. Basil turns on his sword.] I shall enjoy this.

Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Not me.

[Scene: Circus Roboticus. Everyone is watching what is happening in the UN building on a TV Robot]

Chainsaw-Eating Robot: That devil, Basil, will kill our emperor.

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] You're Robo-Hungarian?

Robot Carny: Yes. Our nation's chief export is carnies.

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] If only there was some way I could get to the UN to help.

Bertha: There is. Get in, Nonchalanto.

Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Bertha, no! It would kill you!

Bertha: I have not so much time left anyhow.

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] But you could get a new body! You could have a rich, full life!

Bertha: I am trying to have a rich, full life. [The Chainsaw-Eating Robot lights the fuse.] Long live Robo-Hungary! [The impact breaks Bertha's barrel. She groans and is caught by the Chainsaw-Eating Robot.]

[The Professor is shot through the air, across the city, and lands in the UN building.]

Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Me! Thank God you've come!

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] [He pulls out his own sword.] This is for Big Bertha. [He missed and gets the sword stuck in a podium.] That is not what I meant to give you for Big Bertha.

[Scene: Leela's Apartment. Leela and Fry are in bed.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] That was nice.

Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Oh, yeah. [Leela turns on the TV and sees what is happening in the UN. They both gasp. Fry's crest pops up.]

[Scene: UN building. The Professor and Basil are still dueling. The Professor gets his foot caught in Nixon's jar.]

Nixon: Ow. Ow. Arrooo! [He gets thrown off-stage and his jar shatters.]

[Basil disarms the Professor. The Professor's sword flies off and cleaves the Chinese ambassador's arm off. The ambassador puts his hand to his translator and listens. After a moment, he gasps.]

Basil: Whoever you are, you're the bravest robot I've ever seen. [He trips the Professor.] I like killing brave things.

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] Good, because I've got 20 of them per cubic meter. [He opens his chest cabinet and the carnies fly out and mow down Basil.]

Boy: When I grow up, I wanna be a diplomat!

[Scene: Planet Express. Leela's body is back to normal.]

Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Well, if they're is one thing I learned, it's a lesson. I believe this belongs to you. [He reaches into his chest cabinet and takes out a phony crown. He puts it on Nikolai's head.]

Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] I shall sell it to help the common folk, now that I understand their misery.

Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Yeah, good luck with that.

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] I must say, Hermes, you've got a smoking-hot body.

Hermes: [in Leela’s body.] I was inspired by Amy. [Hermes' body has lost most of its fat.]

Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Wow! How did you do it.

Amy: [in Hermes’s body.] Well, there I was at Elzar's, eating a nice pork sundae and suddenly, I just lost my appetite. [Leela strokes Fry's mouth flaps.] Forever.

Sweet Clyde: [He is working on an equation.] Q to the E to the D!

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] So it is possible us all to get back to our original bodies?

Bubblegum: Stone-cold munching, Prof. Sweet Clyde, characterize your inversion theorem.

Sweet Clyde: Basically, no matter how permuted-up your minds are, they can be restored using, at most, two extra players. [He and Bubblegum high-five.]

Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] And they say pure math has no real-world applications!

[A montage occurs where everyone is restored back to their original bodies.]

Sweet Clyde: Everybody back in their zones? [The crew gives various affirmations.]

Farnsworth: Ah! My body may be old, but it is mine. Brilliant work, Clyde. You'll win the NBA’s highest academic honor for this.

Nikolai: Also, I'm making you a duke. [He pins a medal to Clyde jersey.] So long filthy commoners.

Bender: ¡Adiós! And I'm left with the real jewels safely inside... [He checks his chest cabinet.] ...his compartment!

[Closing Credits.]

Bender: [Over credits.] All right. I'll need accomplices.