Transcript:The Problem with Popplers
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|The Problem with Popplers|
|Written by||Patric M. Verrone &|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear in an oval.]
Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval retreats to the upper right corner and a woman wearing goggles and holding a barrel of lava-like stuff fills the screen.] ... Molten Boron!
Jingle Singer: [singing] Nobody doesn't like Molten Boron!
- [Opening Credits. Caption: For External Use Only.]
- [Scene: Ships Cockpit. The Planet Express ship flies away from a dark brown world surrounded by green clouds.]
Fry: I hate the Planet of the Moochers. They take you out for a drink but when the check comes, their wallet's always in their other pants -- which they borrowed from me!
- [He is indeed only wearing his underwear on his lower half. Bender climbs up the ladder from the galley wearing his chef's hat and an apron which says "Heil To The Chef".]
Leela: Dinner ready?
Bender: Nah, those lousy Moochers cleaned out our pantry. All they left was baking soda and capers. And here it is!
- [He holds up a plate piled high with the stuff.]
Leela: Ugh! Great. We're two days from Earth with no food.
Bender: Problem solved: You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser. [whispering to Leela] Work his gut; I like it tender.
Fry: [pointing] Maybe that planet over there has a drive-thru. A Burger Jerk or a Fishy Joe's or a Chizzler or something.
Bender: Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a billion miles from nowhere.
Leela: Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard Johnson's.
- [Scene: Planet Surface. The ship flies over the lush forests which are covered by an orange-brown haze. It lands in a clearing.]
- [Time Lapse. Leela scans the area. Fry walks off into the woods.]
Leela: Well, it's a type-M planet, so it should at least have Roddenberries.
Fry: I'm experienced at foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat.
- [Bender arrives with a sack over his shoulder.]
Bender: I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks, right?
Bender: [tempting] Not even if they're sautéed in a little mud?
- [He shakes a bucket of mud up and down. Fry pushes some leaves apart.]
Fry: Here's something! It looks like a ditch full of fried shrimp.
Bender: What are you, blind? It looks more like a hole full of fried prawns.
- [Leela picks it up and scans it with her wrist machine. It makes a noise like a truck.]
Leela: Hm. This thing I wear on my wrist says they're not poisonous.
- [She puts it in her mouth and starts chewing.]
Fry: Well? How are they? [Leela swallows, her eye widens, and she falls to the ground and starts cramming her mouth with the things. Fry eats one and gasps.] Oh, they're great! They're like sex, except I'm having them!
- [Bender sniffs one.]
Bender: You know what these would go great with? Rocks.
Fry: [pointing] Look! Here's more!
Bender: The planet's covered with 'em.
Fry: Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls.
Bender: No, a whole Bender-ful!
- [He opens his chest door and starts filling his cabinet.]
Leela: No. Only what we need. Stuff the ship!
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship comes in ready to land. There is a crate strapped to the roof. The hangar roof opens.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Hermes stands at a control panel wearing a headset.]
Hermes: Planet Express ship, you are cleared to land.
Leela: [chewing; on radio] Roger!
- [The ship lands.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff are gathered around the table eating the things.]
Hermes: Oh, man, I'm inhaling these things! You guys scored some primo stuff here.
- [Zoidberg eats some.]
Zoidberg: They're tastier than an unguarded penguin nest. What do you call them?
Leela: We haven't thought of a name yet.
Bender: They're tasty, right? Let's call 'em "Tasty-cles".
- [Hermes gasps.]
Leela: We can't call them that.
Bender: Why not?
Leela: It sounds too much like those frozen rocky mountain oysters on a stick. You know, Test-cicles?
- [Hermes types something on a computer.]
Hermes: According to government records, the only names not yet trademarked are "Popplers" and "Zittzers".
Fry: I know, we'll call them Popplers!
Bender: Good idea.
Zoidberg: Oh, yeah, why not?
Amy: You sure picked it.
- [Zoidberg crams some more into his mouth.]
Zoidberg: Call them what you want. I call them a free meal.
- [Bender grabs his claw.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, Sigmund. I can't stand idly by while poor people get free food. We gotta sell these things!
Fry: Hey, yeah.
Leela: Good idea.
Bender: Bender's a genius.
- [Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Bender have set up a hover-cart selling fresh Popplers. They sell a bag to a guy and Fry holds some cash.]
Fry: Hey, business is great.
Bender: Ah, great is OK, but amazing would be great.
- [They look across the street and see a queue forming at a hot dog stand.]
Vendor: Please, don't push, there's hot dogs for everyone.
- [Bender grumbles and crosses the road. The vendor hands a man a hot dog.]
Bender: Hey, Mac, where do you want those rat droppings you ordered?
- [The man throws his hot dog down and the people in the queue cross the road to the Popplers stand.]
Woman #1: That's disgusting!
Vendor: Wait a minute. You're not the guy who delivers the rat droppings!
- [Bender chuckles and walks back across the road. A short man with stubble talks to Fry.]
Man #1: What are you selling? Popplers? Never heard of 'em.
Bender: Eat it or beat it.
- [Fry hands the man a bag and he eats some.]
Man #1: Mmm, these are great. Boys, this is your lucky day. I'm Joe Gilman.
- [He points at a Fishy Joe's sign where he is dressed as a pirate and eating a sandwich with an entire fish in it.]
Fry: Wow! You're some guy who eats at Fishy Joe's?
Gilman: Hell, no! I am Fishy Joe! I've got a fast-food franchise on every planet in the known universe. Uh, except McPluto.
Bender: Hey, Fishy. I've been meaning to write you about your in-store kiddie parks. The slides won't support an adult robot.
Gilman: Good point, not interested. But these Popplers, these are great. How much you sell 'em for?
Fry: A dollar a dozen.
Gilman: You'll never make money that way. You supply 'em to me and I'll sell 'em for two bucks a dozen at my restaurants. I'll even pay you a dollar a dozen.
Bender: Yes! I'm gonna be rich. [He cheers and looks at Fry.] You too but it's hard to get excited about that.
Fry: How do we sign?
- [Montage: The popularity of the Popplers soars. An "Over 'X' Popplers Served" sign is placed outside Fishy Joe's. It turns over to '1'. Fry and Bender record an advertisement jingle.]
Fry: and [singing] Pop a Poppler in your mouth,
When you come to Fishy Joe's,
What they're made of is a mystery,
Where they come from, no one knows,
You can pick 'em,
You can lick 'em,
You can chew 'em,
You can stick 'em,
If you promise not to sue us,
You can shove one up your nose.
- [In space, Bender paints "Poppler" on the tail of the ship and scrubs out "Planet", making it Poppler Express. The ship speeds through space carrying a crate of live Popplers. The sign outside Fishy Joe's turns over to over one million sold. People buy Popplers from a tube-thru window. Zoidberg arrives and turns his pockets inside out.]
Zoidberg: I can't pay.
- [Behind him, people shake their fists at him.]
Woman #2: Move it, man. Come on!
- [The ship flies out into space and comes back to Earth with a U-Yank trailer. It flies over the city and crashes into a billboard which says "Fishy Joe's. Over 3.8 x 10^10 Popplers Served".]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Fry: Leela! That's the second billboard you've crashed into this week!
Leela: Sorry. I was distracted by those protesters outside our building.
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship and U-Yank trailer land inside while a crowd of hippies congregate outside with placards saying "Stopp Before You Popp", "Eating Is Murder" and "Popplers Are Peoplers Too!"]
Hippie #1: [shouting] Disgusting!
Hippie #2: [shouting] You should be ashamed!
- [Farnsworth leans out of the lounge window.]
Farnsworth: [shouting] Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!
- [The leader, Free Waterfall Jr., laughs.]
Waterfall Jr.: You can't own property, man!
Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie.
- [Leela, Fry and Bender arrive at the window.]
Leela: [shouting] What do you people want?
Waterfall Jr.: [shouting] We're with Mankind for Ethical Animal Treatment. [He holds up a M.E.A.T. pamphlet with a picture of a man pushing a pig on a swing on the cover.] Popplers are living creatures. You gotta stop harvesting them for food!
Bender: [shouting] Or what?
Waterfall Jr.: [shouting] Or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's.
Leela: You're vegetarians, who cares what you do?
Waterfall Jr.: Shut up.
Leela: Animals eat other animals. It's nature.
Waterfall Jr.: No, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat tofu. [He points at a skinny lion on a leash. It coughs.] The point is you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.
- [Bender throws a brick at him and he clutches his head.]
Bender: [shouting] OK, we won't eat you.
Leela: I'll go get some more bricks.
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks over to the table and picks up some Fishy Joe's buckets.]
Leela: Fry, I wish you'd throw out these week-old Popplers. They're getting big and scaly. Ooh, there's one left.
- [She picks it up and it uncurls itself. It has eyes and a mouth.]
- [Leela gasps and lets go of it. It lands in some honey mustard sauce, laughs, and swims around in it. She clasps her hands to her mouth and licks her fingers.]
- [Time Lapse. Leela runs into the lounge later where the rest of the staff eat Popplers.]
Leela: Stop! Stop eating Popplers!
- [She throws Fry's, Zoidberg's and Farnsworth's buckets off the table and smacks them out of Hermes' and Amy's hands.]
- [Leela smashes Bender's beer.]
Bender: My booze!
Leela: Popplers are intelligent. This one called me mama.
- [She has the Poppler wrapped in a Tender 'n' Juicy napkin.]
Zoidberg: Congratulations. I assume Amy is the father.
Bender: Popplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating from not eating enough Popplers. Here, eat some now.
- [He picks up a bucket. Leela turns away.]
- [Bender squeezes her mouth open and tips some Popplers into it.]
Bender: I said "eat"! Come on, mange!
- [Leela throws the bucket into a bin, gasps and runs over to it.]
Leela: Sorry, babies.
- [She puts it on the table.]
Amy: Leela, maybe you should lie down.
Zoidberg: Yes, listen to the father.
Leela: I'm telling you, it spoke to me. Come on, little Poppler, say "mama".
- [She tickles it. Fry tuts and leans back in his chair.]
Fry: Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk, that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk and we eat them, right?
Bender: Yeah. Maybe it just learned to talk as a parlour trick, like Fry.
Fry: [nodding] Like Fry! Like Fry!
Farnsworth: There's one way, and only one way, to determine if an animal is intelligent. [He stands up and rubs his hands together.] Dissect its brain!
- [The Poppler reaches out to Leela.]
Poppler: No, mama. Stop grandpa!
- [Everyone but Farnsworth, who is sharpening a knife, gasps.]
Farnsworth: Enough chit-chat. Restrain the specimen!
- [Scene: Fishy Joe's. Diners fill up on Popplers.]
Man #3: Mmm, good.
Woman #3: Give me some of that special sauce.
- [A Horrible Gelatinous Blob eats some Popplers and the fat man from the Titanic reaches inside him and takes a Poppler. The Horrible Gelatinous Blob growls, grabs the man and eats him.]
- [Cut to: Outside Fishy Joe's. Leela wears a "Free The Popplers!" sign.]
Leela: [shouting] Stop eating Popplers! They can talk!
- [A man dressed as a Poppler and holding a tray of free samples walks up behind her.]
Man #4: [shouting] Don't stop to talk! Eat Popplers!
- [Another man takes a Poppler and eats it.]
Leela: Hey, cut it out!
Man #4: [shouting] Take a coupon, cut it out! [Leela hits him with her sign.] Ow! Ow!
- [He falls over and some dogs eat the Popplers on the floor.]
- [Time Lapse. Fry handcuffs himself to the Fishy Joe's door.]
Fry: People, I won't let you enter. Popplers are as intelligent as you or me.
- [A smartly-dressed man pushes him aside.]
Man #5: You, maybe!
- [The door Fry cuffed himself to is a revolving door. The door drags him around and around.]
- [Time Lapse. Bender rings his head like a town crier's bell.]
Bender: Hear me, hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating them with honey mustard sauce. [The crowd murmurs and walks past him and into the restaurant.] Stop eating them with tangy sweet-and-sour sauce. Stop eating the new fiesta Poppler salad. Stop taking advantage of the money-saving 12-pack. [The Planet Express ship flies overhead. The bomb-bay winch doors open and a bomb flies out.] Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, in the car, or on the boat. Wherever good times are had! [The bomb bounces off the restaurant roof, onto Bender's head and onto the floor.] Ow!
- [The bomb opens and a little flag that says "Please Don't Eat Popplers" comes out.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Everyone except Leela sits around the TV to watch Datenight, presented by Linda.]
Linda: [on TV] Tonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. [Gilman appears in a screen above Linda.] Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. [Waterfall Jr. appears next to Gilman and makes the peace sign.] And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela.
- [Leela appears on the screen.]
Amy: That's her name, Philip.
Linda: [on TV] Fishy Joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent animals?
Gilman: [on TV] Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think anyone's here to make that claim.
Leela: [on TV] I am.
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] Me too.
Gilman: [on TV] Listen...
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] Shut up...
Gilman: [on TV] ...we're talking about a snack...
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] ...shut up...
Gilman: [on TV] ...that's low in fat...
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] ...shut up.
Gilman: [on TV] ...and high in profit.
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] You're crazy, man. He is crazy.
Gilman: [on TV] There's not even any strong evidence that these Popplers are intelligent.
Waterfall Jr.: [speaking fast; on TV] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up...
Leela: [on TV] That's not true. I have one right here that can talk.
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] ...shut up...
Leela: [on TV] Come on, say "mama".
Poppler: [on TV] Ca-ca!
Linda: [on TV] OK, we'll have to bleep that.
Leela: [on TV] Look, I'm not saying eating meat is wrong...
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] Shut up.
Leela: [on TV] I don't think anyone's here to make that claim.
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] I am.
Leela: [on TV] But eating an intelligent animal is different.
Waterfall Jr.: [speaking fast; on TV] Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up...
Gilman: [on TV] Oh, don't force your tired philosophy on us. I mean, the only reason we don't eat people is because it tastes lousy.
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] You're all nuts. Shut up, let me talk.
Linda: [on TV] You shut up, please.
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] No, you shut up, please.
Gilman: [on TV] Popplers are no smarter than any other animal I've served. And that includes cats.
- [Another rectangle appears behind Linda with the Poppler in it.]
Poppler: [on TV] Ca-ca head. Mean, old ca-ca head.
Gilman: [on TV] Sir, I'm making a point. If these gutter-mouthed creatures are so smart, why don't they defend themselves, huh?
- [He grabs a bucket of Popplers and eats.]
Leela: [on TV] Stop it!
Waterfall Jr.: [on TV] I call murder on that.
Gilman: [on TV] Look, I'm willing to grant that it's murder. The real issue is: Who's gonna stop me?
- [He laughs. There is a crash and the studio shakes.]
- [Cut to: New New York City Street. Shadows creep over buildings and nine Omicronian saucers descend from the sky.]
- [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]
Linda: [on TV] We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties. [A girder falls down behind her.] And, crap like I've never seen!
- [The screen cuts to static and then to Lrrr, standing behind his old-fashioned microphone.]
Lrrr: [on TV] People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. [He hears feedback behind him.] Turn down that TV, Nd-Nd.
Farnsworth: Dear Lord, they're back!
Amy: We're doomed!
- [Bender takes a breath.]
Lrrr: [on TV] Now then, the creatures you call "Popplers" come from a nursery planet in our sector.
- [Nd-Nd grabs the mic.]
Nd-Nd: [on TV] You monsters have been eating our babies!
- [Cut to: Datenight Studio. Leela, Waterfall and Gilman watch the Omicronians on a TV.]
- [Gilman spits out half a Poppler and puts the mush on the other half he is holding.]
Nd-Nd: [on TV] We demand justice. As you ate our children, so shall you be eaten by us!
Lrrr: [on TV] We will begin with the firemen, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion until everyone is eaten. [He laughs and the others join in.] Transmission over! [The picture stays on but Lrrr doesn't notice. He turns to Nd-Nd.] Well, that went OK. I tell you, when-when you know you can't scratch, that's when you really have to, huh? [He scratches himself.] Oh! Oh, yeah, that feels a lot better. What? It's still on?
- [He growls and the TV cuts to static.]
- [Scene: DOOP Headquarters: Secret Conference Room. Outside the building, a sign has been changed from "Democratic Order Of Planets United Against The Omicronian Menace" to "Democratic Order Of Planets Welcomes The Omicronian Menace". In the small room, Zapp Brannigan sits across a table from Lrrr and Nd-Nd. Omicronians and Kif stand behind them.]
Zapp: As chief negotiator, I speak for all of Earth when I mourn the regrettable loss of the Omicronian young. We share your pain. [He reaches into a box and eats a Poppler. Kif sighs.] Mmm. [chewing] If we could undo the damage-- [He eats some more and turns to Kif.] These would be great with quack-a-mole.
Lrrr: [shouting] Stop eating our young! And it's pronounced guacamole!
Zapp: Alright, I'm putting them away. [He puts the box under the table and eats some more. Kif sighs again. Zapp wipes his mouth.] Now, uh, what is it you want?
Lrrr: We demand-- [Zapp burps.] We demand to eat one human for each Omicronian that was eaten.
- [Zapp cleans his teeth with a toothpick.]
Zapp: Fair enough. How many is that?
- [Kif taps him on the shoulder.]
Kif: 198 billion, sir.
Lrrr: Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.
Lrrr: Oh, alright, cottage cheese!
Kif: Sir? [whispering] There aren't that many human beings.
Zapp: A thought occurs: There aren't that many humans.
Lrrr: We're willing to wait a few weeks while you shore up the numbers.
Zapp: Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks. We'll need an army of super-virile men scoring round the clock! I'll do my part. Kif, clear my schedule.
- [Kif takes out an Etch-A-Sketch and shakes it.]
- [Scene: DOOP Headquarters: Main Room. Hundreds of people sit waiting for the negotiations to end. Fry is slumped in a chair.]
Fry: I wish they'd just wipe out humanity and get it over with. It's the waiting I can't stand.
Leela: That's stupid!
- [The door to the secret conference room opens. Zapp, Kif, Lrrr and Nd-Nd walk out. Everyone cheers and Zapp waves.]
Zapp: My fellow Earthlings, we have reached an agreement. Using the twin guns of grace and tact, I blasted our worthless enemies with a fair compromise. [The crowd cheers.] They will not eat everyone on Earth.
Lrrr: I filled up on nuts at the negotiation.
- [Nd-Nd shakes her head.]
Zapp: Instead, they will eat only a single human of their choice.
Lrrr: We choose to eat the first Earthling who ate our offspring. [He takes out a remote control.] Here is the culprit, as photographed by our nanny-cam satellite. [He turns on a big TV overhead. It shows Leela eating the Popplers on the planet.] She must be sacrificed, but the rest of you shall be spared.
- [Everyone cheers, except Leela, who "boos".]
- [Scene: Madison Cube Garden. The sign outside reads "Slurm Concert Series Present: An Evening With A Human-Eating Monster". Inside, the crowds murmur. There a is a stage in the middle of the room with a table and chairs on it. Linda presents the TV coverage from a commentary box.]
Linda: Tonight, the world watches in horror as an earthling is eaten alive on network television. This grim scene of unimaginable carnage is brought to you by Fishy Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice! [An ad comes up on the screen of a surfer riding on the back of a walrus.] 100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the walrus!
- [A spotlight shines onto a door on the stage.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Ladies and gentlemen. The Omicronians!
- [The door opens. Lrrr, Nd-Nd and some other Omicronians walk out, waving. Nd-Nd sits at the table and the other Omicronians sit down behind her. Lrrr stands at a mic.]
Lrrr: Greetings, Earth morsels.
- [The crowd boos.]
Man #6: [shouting] You suck!
Lrrr: Get a job!
- [Backstage, Bender peeps through the curtain and then turns around.]
Bender: I'll miss you, Leela. [Leela is in a circus animal cage.] I know you're just a carbon-based life form but I'll always think of you as a big pile of titanium.
- [He sobs. Fry puts his arm around him.]
Fry: What Bender means is, you're really brave, and smart, and beautiful, and a great friend.
Bender: [crying] Just like titanium!
- [He cries into Fry's lap.]
Leela: This is all a big load. I was the one trying to save the Popplers. [She points at Fry.] You were sucking them down like the fat hog you are and you were stepping on them for fun. [She points at Bender who stares blankly back at her.] You both should be in here instead of me.
Bender: [whispering to Fry] Someone's acting awfully aluminum.
- [Enter Zapp.]
Zapp: Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you. I have a devious plan!
Leela: Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan. Why don't you tell it to Wingus and Dingus here?
- [Zapp turns to Fry and Bender.]
Zapp: Wingus, Dingus, listen up. We're gonna give the aliens the old switcheroo!
Fry: You mean--
Zapp: Correct. I found a giant hideous ape that looks exactly like Leela.
- [Kif wheels in a cage holding an orang-utan that wears a white tank top, black trousers and boots like Leela's.]
Leela: It doesn't look anything like me. The hair is all wrong.
Zapp: Don't worry. Kif is an expert stylist, as you can plainly see. [He strokes his own hair.] Mmm!
- [Kif groans and walks into the cage. He puts a sheet around the orang-utan, squirts some shampoo onto it's head and rubs it in.]
Leela: You know, this might actually work. The Omicronians seem to have trouble telling one person from another.
Zapp: True. At the negotiations, they thought Kif here was the statesman and I was a jabbering mental patient. Isn't that right, Kif?
Kif: Please, I'm creating. [He takes the sheet off the orang-utan and puts an eye patch over one of it's eyes. It now has a purple ponytail like Leela.] Voila!
- [The orang-utan grabs a banana, eats it and scratches itself.]
Fry: That's Leela!
Zapp: I'm seeing double!
- [On the other side of the curtain, Lrrr sits at a table.]
Lrrr: I grow hungry! Bring on the one called "Leela".
- [A waiter fills his wine glass.]
Waiter: That comes with salad or soup.
Lrrr: Uh, salad.
Waiter: Ranch or vinaigrette?
Waiter: Balsamic or raspberry?
- [Lrrr picks up a laser from under the table and vaporises the waiter. Zapp pulls on the cage with the orag-utan inside. Nd-Nd takes it out and puts it on the table. The crowd sees and murmurs.]
Woman #4: [murmuring] What's going on here? It's very strange.
- [Zapp whispers into the microphone.]
Zapp: [whispering] People of Earth: Shh!
Woman #4: [murmuring] Oh, I get it.
Woman #5: [murmuring] I understand.
- [Lrrr looks back and forth between a photo of Leela and the orang-utan. They both sit in the same pose.]
Lrrr: Hmm. Yes, this is one. Definitely. I recognise her slumping posture and hairy knuckles.
- [Leela is taken aback and looks at her own knuckles. Lrrr puts a lot of salt on the orang-utan.]
Nd-Nd: [sarcastic] Would you like some human with your salt?
- [Lrrr picks up the orang-utan and opens his mouth.]
Linda: This is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's ploy, the Earth will be saved. Brought to you by Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus.
- [Lrrr is about to eat the orang-utan.]
Waterfall Jr.: [shouting] Wait! Stop! It's a trick! That's not Leela.
- [The crowd "boos" and Lrrr puts the orang-utan back on the table. Waterfall Jr. runs onto the stage.]
Lrrr: W-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd.
Waterfall Jr.: It's an orang-utan. One of Mother Earth's most precious creatures.
- [He hugs the orang-utan and it scratches his hair and eats his fleas. Lrrr puts on a pair of glasses. Zapp grabs Waterfall Jr. by the hair and drags him away.]
Zapp: Why'd you open your bong hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately-attractive monkey? You must've smoked some bad granola.
Lrrr: The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right. This is a monkey!
- [Nd-Nd eats it whole.]
Nd-Nd: Yes. Definitely.
Lrrr: Where is the real female?
Zapp: I'll never tell.
- [He crosses his arms and Lrrr points a laser to his head.]
Lrrr: Where is the real female?
Zapp: I'll get her for you.
- [He runs off. Backstage, he pushes Leela's cage out onto the stage.]
Zapp: I realise this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.
Leela: Go consummate yourself.
Lrrr: Stop talking, you're getting cold.
- [He reaches into the cage and grabs Leela around the waist.]
Leela: Please! I just paid off my car!
Bender: I can't look!
- [He takes his eyes out, puts them in his chest cabinet and looks back towards Leela. Lrrr puts Leela in his mouth.]
Poppler: Stop! [The Poppler runs onto the stage and leaps into Leela's mouth. It leans forward to the microphone.] People of Earth. I am Jrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Could someone lower this thing for me? [Leela does.] Now then, if Leela gets eaten, I get eaten.
- [The Omicronians gasp.]
Nd-Nd: Little one, get out of there. I'm going to count to blorx!
Jrrr: But, elder one--
- [Nd-Nd starts counting off her fingers.]
Nd-Nd: Flingle ... glorg ... glorg and a gloob.
Jrrr: Hear me out. There are many good reasons to eat: Hunger, boredom, wanting to be the world's fattest man. But not revenge. Are we no better than they? Besides, Leela's my friend.
Lrrr: [mumbling] Is this true, Earthling?
Leela: [mumbling] Yeah, it is.
- [He takes her out of his mouth.]
Lrrr: Leela's garbled words have opened my eyes.
- [The crowd cheers and Leela spits out and pokes Jrrr, who giggles. Waterfall Jr. holds the mic and strokes his hair.]
Waterfall Jr.: OK, that's a start, that's very Earth-friendly. Now everyone join hands. Join hands, please. I'd like to lead you all in some swaying. Come on, pay attention. [The audience is not impressed.] I said do it! Yeah...
Lrrr: Is he your friend too?
- [Lrrr eats Waterfall Jr. He pokes his head out of Lrrr's mouth.]
Waterfall Jr.: This is not happening.
- [Lrrr swallows him and everyone cheers and applauds. Lrrr clutches his stomach.]
Lrrr: I think there was something funny in that hippie.
Leela: Thank you, Jrrr. [She kisses him.] I hope you'll always think of me as your mom.
Jrrr: When my species grows up, we eat our moms!
- [She tosses Jrrr to Nd-Nd.]
Lrrr: People of Earth-- Oh, that hippie's starting to kick in. we've all learned a valuable lesson today. I realise now that-- [high] Dude! My hand are huge! [The audience whispers. Leela looks at Fry who shrugs.] They can touch anything but themselves. [He puts his hands together.] Oh, wait.
Nd-Nd: Let's go.
- [She melodramatically pulls her cape across her and she and the other Omicronians walk off. Lrrr stares at his cape and feels it.]
Lrrr: [high] Whoa!
- [Nd-Nd pushes him off the stage.]
- [Scene: Outside Madison Cube Garden. Four Omicronian ships head off into space and another follows, weaving around the sky.]
Lrrr: [high; from ship] Whoa, I feel like I'm flying!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table and Bender puts a plate with a cover on it.]
Farnsworth: A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain things.
Fry: Hear, hear!
Bender: Let's get drunk!
Leela: Aww, thanks, guys. Pass the veal, please.
Bender: Here you go.
- [He passes a plate over.]
Fry: Mmm, let me get some of that suckling pig.
- [Amy passes it to him. Bender holds up a plate.]
Bender: Who wants dolphin?
- [Everyone gasps.]
Leela: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent.
Bender: Not this one. He blew all his money on instant lottery tickets.
Leela: Oh, OK.
Amy: That's different.
Farnsworth: Good, good.
Leela: Pass the blowhole.
Amy: Can I have a fluke?
Hermes: Hey, quit hogging the bottle-nose.
Farnsworth: Toss me the speech centre of the brain!
- [Closing Credits.]
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