Transcript:All the Way Down

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Transcript for
All the Way Down
Written by	David X. Cohen
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Opening Credits. Caption: Veni, Sedi, Vidi.]

[Scene: A blocky version of the Planet Express building. A blocky Planet Express ship lowers into it. Pull out to reveal it is on the screen of the conference table. All the crew is gathered around watching.]

Farnsworth: Spectacular, isn't it?

Amy: Probably! What is it?

Farnsworth: I've created a simulation of the entire universe!

[The crew gasps.]

Amy: Oh! In that case, it stinks.

Fry: I keep forgetting, Professor. Are we in the entire universe?





Farnsworth: Why, naturally!

[The Professor pinches on the screen to show pixelated versions of the crew seated at a pixelated conference table.]

Simulated Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery!

[The simulated crew cheers.]

Simulated Farnsworth: But first, roll call! Leela?

Simulated Leela: Here.




Simulated Farnsworth: Fry?

Simulated Fry: Present!

Simulated Farnsworth: Scruffy?




Simulated Scruffy: [beat] Yep.

Simulated Farnsworth: Hermes?

Simulated Hermes: Check.

Simulated Farnsworth: Bender?

Simulated Bender: Bite my shiny middle pixel!

Simulated Farnsworth: Amy?




Simulated Amy: Shmobviously.

Simulated Farnsworth: And the rest.

Simulated Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm an unnamed member of the group!

Bender: That's amazing, Professor! How'd you make it so crummy?

Farnsworth: It wasn't easy. Even to achieve this level of realism requires vast amounts of computing power.

[The camera pans down to the wires to show them connected to an enormous machine.]

Farnsworth: My Simputron uses more electricity than a hundred bug zappers. Ih, which reminds me, I had to unplug our bug zappers.



:[A mosquito buzzes by. Bender swats at it using his arm, but hits Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Ow!

Bender: Got him!





Zoidberg: The mosquito is still alive.





Bender: There's a mosquito?

[Cut down to the simulation. Simulated Hermes approaches the simulated crew.]

Simulated Hermes: Listen up, threeple! Today, you'll be delivering this package to Space Italy.

Amy: "Space Italy"?




Farnsworth: I know, it's an embarrassingly lazy name. But when you're creating an entire universe from scratch, you can't make up a believable name for everything. Sometimes, you just have to go with "Space Italy" or "the Robot Planet" or "Dr. Zoidberg."

Zoidberg: [rolling his eyes] Preposterous.

[In the simulation, the simulated ship approaches a planet shaped like the continent of Italy. On Space Italy, simulated Fry, Leela and Bender explore with Bender holding the package.]

Simulated Leela: Wow, Space Italy! You delivering that package, Bender?

Simulated Bender: Up all those steps? No grazie. I'll just chuck it into Trevi Fountain for good luck. [laughs, grunts]



:[A glass shattering is heard.]

Simulated Italian Man: Papa pia! He hit-a the Space Pope!

[Simulated Italian versions of Smitty and URL approach Simulated Bender.]




Simulated Italian URL: You're under arrest for-a bonking His Holiness.

Simulated Italian Smitty: I tell-a you, this-a Planet Express company is a real two-bit operation, eh?

Simulated Bender: More like three! [He laughs as the cops handcuff him and take him away.]

Simulated Leela: So, um, as long as we're here, wanna see the sights?





Simulated Fry: When in Space Rome…

[Simulated Fry and Leela take a walk around. Simulated Leela kisses Simulated Fry.]

Simulated Leela: Michelangelo's David! So lifelike!

Simulated Fry: Jeez, Dave! Get a fig leaf!



:[Simulated Leela giggles.]

[Cut to the two of them on a gondola.]

Simulated gondolier: La la la! La la la! La la la…



:[Simulated Leela sighs as she once again embraces Simulated Fry.]

[Cut to the simulated Leaning Tower of Pisa. Simulated Fry and Leela lean with it.]

Simulated Leela: I just can't understand how it doesn't fall dow— [she falls over]





Simulated Fry: Let me give you a han... [falls over]

[Simulated Fry and Leela laugh at each other. Cut to Bender popping his eyes as simulated Fry and Leela do it.]

Bender: Oh, mama, they're goin' at it like two packs of gum!

Leela: [holding a cloche] Bender, give us a little privacy! [she puts the cloche down on the simulation]

Crew: Aw…

Hermes: So, do those people in the casserole know they're in a simulation, or do they think that they're real?





Farnsworth: Of course, they think they're real. To them, the rules of my software are just their laws of physics.

Amy: But, we think we're real. Couldn't our universe also be a simulation?





Farnsworth: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Absolutely not! No chance. The very idea is preposterous!





Hermes: How can you be so sure?





Farnsworth: Because it's computationally impossible! For example, every atom in the universe is affected whenever one little thing moves.

Bender: Like my ass? [he shakes his booty as, somehow, waves emit from it, affecting the entire universe] Oh yeah! Come on!




Farnsworth: That's a perfect example, Bender, and some pretty decent twerking. My software can't possibly compute the gravitational changes between Bender's ass and every other particle, so I had to have the information travel outward gradually, at a fixed speed.





Amy: Like the speed of light in our universe?

Farnsworth: Right!

Amy: Ahem!





Farnsworth: Oh, fuff. That's just a coincidence. I had to cut other corners, too. I mean, my simulation doesn't even keep track of exactly where everything is.

[Bender takes two balls and a cup out of his cavity and starts a shell game with them.]

Bender: Takin' all bets! Find the ball, win me not punching you!





Zoidberg: My last $5 on cup number one! In fact, make it my last $10!





Farnsworth: Another convenient example. My lazy software wouldn't even decide which cup the ball's in until someone actually looked at it. Until then, it's just sort of in both.




[Bender lifts the cups revealing the ball in cup two and swipes Zoidberg's money.]

Zoidberg: Awww…





Bender: [laughs]




Amy: So your programming shortcut is like quantum mechanics in our world?

Farnsworth: Exactly like that!




Amy: [more indiginantly] Ahem!





Farnsworth: Hm, interesting. I guess what I'm trying to say is our universe is probably also a simulation.

[Farnsworth lifts the cloche off the simulator as everyone gasps at this.]

Hermes: But dat's the exact opposite of what ya said one minute ago!




Farnsworth: New evidence was presented and I changed my mind. I'm a scientist, not a...

Bender: Idiot?

Farnsworth: ...politician.

Amy: Man. Imagine how awful it would be to find out your whole personality was just simulated, like Bender's.





Bender: Whuzzulated? Like whozer's?

Amy: I just mean you're an artificial intelligence, Bender. Like the people in the Professor's simulation.





Bender: Artificial?!

Amy: Uh-huh. Yep.

Bender: Why'd you have to tell me? You just ruined my life! My big fat fake life! [sobs]





Farnsworth: You're a walking bucket!

Bender: How can you say I'm not real?! If you prick me, do I not bleed? [He pricks at his metal hand, seeing he does not in fact bleed.] Okay, that was a bad example! [He throws the prick, and it lands in Fry's arm.]

Fry: Ow! I'm bleeding!

Bender: Showoff!





Hermes: Dere, dere, Bender. You're as real as any of us. The philosopher René Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Can ya think?





Bender: I don't think so! I think I might not be able to think!

Farnsworth: Anyway, it was a fun little universe, but we're looking at a Godzilla-sized electric bill. It's time to shut it down.

Bender: But, you can't just turn them off! That would be like turning me off!

Farnsworth: Good idea! That'll save even more power! But we'll start with them.

Bender: [jumps at the Professor] Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

[Scene: The Planet Express building. Bender is still yelling.]

Bender: …ooooooooooooo…

[The Professor attempts to unplug the Simutron, but he can't.]

Farnsworth: The plug is stuck. Or maybe I'm just extraordinarily weak.





Hermes: Dat is a possibility.

Farnsworth: Oh, bother. I'll just keep the simulation running a little longer.

Bender: Thanks, Professor!

[Bender lands on the Professor.]

Leela: Bender, how were you leaping through the air that entire time?

Bender:I wasn't! My first leap missed by a mile, so I leapt again. But I never stopped screaming for a second!

[Scene: Simulated Planet Express building. Cut to Simulated Fry and Simulated Leela in the simulated living room.]

Simulated Fry: I feel like I've been in existence for a while now, Leela. So it's time I set myself a life's goal.





Simulated Leela: That's a great idea! I'll be quiet and let you think.

Simulated Bender: And I'll turn on the TV to drown out any distracting noises.



:[Simulated Bender turns the simulated TV and Hypnotoad is on.]

Simulated Fry: That's it! I found my life's goal! I, Philip J. Fry, hereby pledge to watch every TV show ever made.

Simulated Leela: Oh, Lord.

Fry: That orange guy sure is dumb.

Bender: [sniffles] These innocent bit bags may be artificial, like me, but they don't know that! They deserve the same respect as any other living creature.




Zoidberg: Except clams! To hell with clams!





Farnsworth: I'm telling you they're nothing but ones and zeros! They're no more alive than the number 10101.





Farnsworth: She was my aunt!





Leela: Professor, I think Bender might be right.

Farnsworth: [slams fist on chair] No, you don't!





Leela: I mean, we're nothing more than atoms, right? But, somehow, we are more.

Bender: [sniffles some more]





Zoidberg: Unlike clams!




[Scene: New New York City, night. Cut to a nondescript location.]




Bender: Professor, I will now ask of you a solemn promise.



:[Bender puts his hand on the table, and the Professor puts his hand on Bender's and Bender puts his hand on the Professor's and so on.]

Bender: Now, the feet.





Farnsworth: Forget the feet!





Bender: Alright, whatever.

Leela: Why are we in a robot strip club?

[Pull out to reveal they are indeed in a robot strip club.]

Bender: Because we had to do this in a place that's meaningful to me, Bender!

[A fembot waitress approaches them with a bottle of Lobrau. She uncaps it with her metal boobs.]

Waitres: Here you go, hun.





Bender: [holding the Professor's ten bucks] Keep the change, toots.





Farnsworth: Ow!

[Fry feeds Bender his beer and the usual flaming burp occurs.]

Bender: Let the solemn ceremony begin. Professor, you created a world of conscious living beings, so now you're responsible for them. I want you to swear you'll do everything in your power to keep them alive.





Farnsworth: I barely make any effort to keep myself alive. Oof!





Leela: [elbowing the Professor] Professor!

Bender: And you'll never let them know they're not real! Never! So they won't have to go through what I'm going through!





Farnsworth: I swear nothing!





Bender: I said swear it!





Farnsworth: [sighs] Very well. I swear it. But the amount of electricity... Why, we'd basically need our own hydroelectric generator. I really don't think there's any possible…

[Scene: The Planet Express building. A toilet is heard flushing.]

Farnsworth: Eureka!

'[Scene: The "situation room", aka the bathroom. The crew approaches the Professor, who is still seated on the toilet with his pants down.]

Farnsworth: As you all know, I do my best thinking on the toilet.

Amy: We know! Stop telling us!





Farnsworth: I didn't even have to go. I was just sitting here, wiling away a Sunday afternoon, when suddenly, it hit me! A new source of electricity!

Hermes: Would you care to tell us about it... in another room?





Farnsworth: No! [he pulls down a map] According to these old maps, which I use in lieu of toilet paper…

[The crew reacts in disgust.]

Bender: Ew!




Farnsworth: …the main New New York sewer line runs directly under Planet Express.

[Scene: Outside. The ship, with a drill attached to the hood, comes out of the hangar, but then drills down to the floor. Cut to inside the ship.]

Farnsworth: We'll simply drill into the pipe, drop this turbine into the torrent, and voila! Free clean power!

Leela: Clean?

Farnsworth: Oh my, no.



:[Scene: Underground. We see a piece of the Land Titanic, exit signs for Sewer City, Robot Hell, and the Bus Terminal, and an an albino humping worm.]

Farnsworth: We're approaching the main pipeline. Can you imagine the quantity of sewage running through there?





Amy: [indignantly] Yes!

[The ship drills through the pipeline.]

Leela: Contact in four! Three! Number two!

[The ship goes into the pipeline and the crew retches.]

[Scene: The Planet Express building. Cut to the ship's hangar. Scruffy is spraying the crew with Fecto Antiseptic. They all cough at the gross ordeal they were just through.]

Zoidberg: Let's rarely speak of that again.




Farnsworth: This should generate enough power to keep the simulation running. And at substantially higher resolution! [He plugs in]

[Scene: The conference room. The crew walks in on the simulation.]

Bender: Let's see how my guys are doin'. [He zooms in.]





Simulated Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We have a delivery to the King of Space.



:[As the simulated crew cheers, their resolution changes until they resemble the real crew, except with white auras emanating from them to differentiate them from the actual crew.]

Amy: Aw, they're so cute! Now I care about them!





Farnsworth: Happy, Bender? We saved your little friends.





Bender: I sure did.





Simulated Farnsworth: In other news, I've made a huge breakthrough!





Hermes: What is it, Professor?





Farnsworth: No, him.

[Zoom in on the simulation.]

Simulated Hermes: What is it, Professor?





Simulated Farnsworth: After many sleepless nights and an equal number of glorious sleep-filled days, I've completed my greatest achievement! [He turns on the hologram projector to reveal…] A simulation of our entire universe!

[Simulated Professor zooms in on the other simulation.]

Simulated Simulated Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We have a delivery to Space Italy!

[The simulated simulated crew cheers.]

[The simulated crew gasps.]

[The real crew gasps.]

[Scene: The real Planet Express building, as far as we know. Cut to the simulated crew.]

Simulated Hermes: Sweet facsimile of Space Italy! A simulation…

Hermes: Within a simulation!? Where does it all end?





Zoidberg: Hopefully there. Already my head hurts.





Simulated Amy: Professor, if you can make a whole simulated universe, isn't it possible that our own universe is also a simulation?





Simulated Farnsworth: Absolutely not! You sound like a stoned freshman!





Simulated Amy: I mean, what if our laws of physics are just the computer code of some big brilliant professor playing god up there?

Farnsworth: Nailed it!

Simulated Farnsworth: Hm. Quantum mechanics is pretty ridiculous, but it's a moot point. Even if we are living in a simulation, there's no possible way of knowing.

Simulated Amy: Ahem.





Simulated Farnsworth: Yes?




Simulated Amy: Oh, nothing. I just had a loogie in my throat. Possibly a simulated loogie.

[The simulation blinks.]

Simulated Bender: What's that? A g-g-g-grid overload?





Simulated Farnsworth: My simulation is drawing a lot of power for some reason.

[The simulated professor zooms out the simulation to the universe.]

Simulated Farnsworth: Ah! It appears two black holes just collided in there. Can you imagine how complex that computation is? The Simputron is really straining to keep up.



:[Cut to reveal the simulated Simputron beginning to break down.]

Simulated Amy: Oh, my glorsh! Maybe there is a way to find out if we live in a simulation.





Simulated Farnsworth: Well, I doubt that.





Farnsworth: Double doubt it!





Simulated Amy: If our universe is a simulation, then it's running on some kind of computer, right?





Simulated Fry: I'm with you so far. Actually, I'm not. Is this about a new soda?

Simulated Amy: Suppose we made something happen that was impossible for that big computer to simulate.





Simulated Farnsworth: It would overload!





Simulated Amy: Exactly!

Simulated Bender: Cool! And then what?

Simulated Amy: I don't know! Probably stuff would pixelate and look weird!





Simulated Farnsworth: The laws of physics would fail!





Simulated Fry: Like playing a new video game on a crummy underpowered game system!

Simulate Farnsworth: Precisely!





Simulated Fry: [under his breath] That my cheapskate grandma got me.



:[The simulated professor turns on the simulated screen in the conference room.]

Simulated Farnsworth: Some phenomena are so wildly complex that they'd be impossible for any computer to simulate. For example, a collapsing magnetic star or magnetar. But such an event might not happen for millions of years.





Simulated Amy: But, what if we intentionally caused a magnetar to collapse? Then, we could just watch and see if the universe glitches out.





Simulated Farnsworth: Of course! And we'd know once and for all if we're living in a simulation.

[The simulated crew cheers.]

Simulated Leela: Although, I'm not sure I wanna know the answer to that.





Simulated Bender: Me neither. I like resting secure in the knowledge that I'm the real deal.

Bender: [imitates buzzer] Guess again, loser. [he laughs then cries remembering his own existential crisis]

Simulated Farnsworth: Let's put it to a vote. Who here wants to test if we're living in a simulation?



:[Everyone excitedly raises their hand.]

Simulated Farnsworth: And who would rather continue living in shameful ignorance?

[Everyone again raises their hands excitedly.]

Simulated Leela: That one!

Simulated Farnsworth: You all voted for two things.





Simulated Leela: Honestly? I wanna know if I'm not living in a simulation, but not if I am. Does that make sense?





Simulated Farnsworth: Surprisingly, yes. Let's just forget about it.

[Beat]

Simulated Fry: Although, now we're always gonna be wondering.





Simulated Leela: Let's just go.




[Scene: The simulated Planet Express building. The simulated ship takes off into space. Zoom out to reveal the real crew watching.]




Farnsworth: Uh-oh. Not good.

[Fry spits out some of his Onion Dew.]

Fry: Not good at all.

Farnsworth: My half-baked software absolutely will not be able to simulate a collapsing magnetar. Oh, I never should have outsourced it to that Indian middle schooler.

Bender: But, the simulations will find out they're simulations! You swore a strip club oath that would never happen.

Farnsworth: Alas, there'll be no hiding the truth when they see that magnetar glitching out like a big flaming ball of Microsoft Word.





Bender: [sniffles] Well, if they're gonna find out anyway, I should be the one to tell them. I'm the only one who truly understands! Plus, I like delivering bad news.

Farnsworth: Actually, that might be possible. [he opens a slot in Bender's head revealing his wiring] Since you're basically just software in a greasy wad of aluminum foil… [closes the slot]

Bender: Aw…





Farnsworth: ...I could extract your programming, compress it, and inject it into Simulated Bender. You'd take his place in the simulated world.

Bender: But what would happen to him?





Farnsworth: He'd be pushed through to the sub-simulation.




Bender: And that Bender?





Farnsworth: It's Benders all the way down.

Bender: Alright. I'm goin' in!




[The crew gasps.]

Farnsworth: I must warn you, Bender. It'll be a one-way trip. There's no way of returning.

Bender: That's okay. I don't wanna live in a world where I'm less real than everyone else. Those are my people in there, in Baloney Town.





[Cut to later. The rest of the crew watch helplessly as Farnsworth and Amy plug Bender into the Simputron.]

Bender: Ooh! [laughs]

Farnsworth: In a few minutes, you should reboot in the simulated world as Simulated Bender. Or you might die.





Bender: [sadly] Goodbye, precious friends and coworkers. Goodbye, sewage-stained floor tiles. [flatly] Goodbye, Zoidberg.




Zoidberg: How will I go on without you?




[The Professor pulls the switch, Bender's eye visor goes down and he falls over.]

Farnsworth: I'll get a broom.

[Scene: The conference table. The crew continues watching the simulation. The simulated ship approaches the magnetar.]

Simulated Amy: Holding outside magnetar implosion range.





Simulated Farnsworth: We'll be safe at this distance, even if, God forbid, we're real.





Simulated Leela: Then it's time to put reality to the test.





Simulated Bender: I'm scared!





Simulated Leela: I am, too. But it's actually kind of beautiful.

Simulated Fry: Would it be any less beautiful if it weren't real? And we weren't real?

Simulated Farnsworth: We'll find out soon enough. Begin monopole bombardment!



:[Cut to outside. The simulated ship's laser shoots a black ray into the magnetar. Inside the ship, Simulated Bender begins clasping his chest cavity and groaning.]

Simulated Fry: You okay, buddy?

Simulated Bender: No! [gags]





Simulated Zoidberg: Probably a bad clam.

Simulated Bender: I think I'm gonna reboot!



:[Simulated Bender shuts down. When he reboots, real Bender has entered his body.]

Bender: Oh... Where... Where am I?

Simulated Fry: You're right here, Bender. Just outside magnetar implosion range.





Bender: Oh... Right. Baloney Town. Guys? I have something to tell you, and it'll be the hardest bad news I've ever had the pleasure of delivering.

Simulated Farnsworth: Shush, Bender! We're about to find out if we're living in a simulation!





Bender: Right... It-it's about that. See…





Simulated Fry: I've been thinking about that, too, actually. And you wanna know what I think?

Simulated Zoidberg: Do I!

Simulated Fry: I think it makes no difference at all. Either way, the laws of the universe are way beyond our control. So, what can we do? We just make the best of it. I don't know what we're about to see, Leela, but I love you. Now and forever. And that much is real, even if we're not.



:[Simulated Leela sniffles at this sentiment.]

Simulated Hermes: Hm... The dummy's right. I feel, derefore I am.

Bender: It doesn't matter if I'm real?

Simulated Fry: Not one bit.





Simulated Zoidberg: So what did you wanna tell us, robit?

Bender: [in tears] Just... thank you! [he cries joyfully as he hugs Simulated Fry, who pats him on the back]





Simulated Farnsworth: [sighs] That's robots for you. Now, let's sit back and enjoy the show.

[Zoom to outside the simulation.]

Farnsworth: Oh, Lordy Lou! The magnetar is about to pop! How's the Simputron holding up?



:[Cut to Amy as the Simputron goes haywire.]

Amy: Processor overload! The cooling fan's on fire! Whoa!




[The fire begins burning down the machine. Leela takes the Fecto fire extinguisher and puts out the flames.]

Farnsowrth: Pull the plug! Stop the simulation!





Fry: No! Bender's in there!





Farnsworth: There's no choice. This building's about to go up in smoke, and I've got doomsday devices hidden in every nook and cranny.


:[Fry sits next to the unconscious Bender.]

Fry: I'm sorry, buddy. I know you can't hear me, but we tried our best. At least you got to go out with dignity.

[Bender groggily faceplants into a plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Fry picks him back up.]

Bender: [monotone] Rebooting. [normal] Where... Where am I?





Fry: Right here, in the universe.





Bender: Oh... I had to come tell you something…





Farnsworth: Bender? How did you possibly manage to come back?

Zoidberg: Don't be rude, Professor, Bender was speaking first. What did you wanna tell us, robit?

Bender: It's just that... I know how to save the simulation.

Farnsworth: Oh, please. There's no possible…

[Scene: The Planet Express building. We once again hear the toilet flushing.]

Farnsworth: Eureka!



:[Cut to Farnsworth tinkering with the CPU.]

Farnsworth: I made the change you suggested, Bender. Although it took a lot of toilet time to fully comprehend. We won't need nearly so much power now that I've under-clocked the processor.

Leela: But, won't the simulation run slower?

Farnsworth: Oh, much slower.





Hermes: [holding a martini] Are we talkin' regular slow or bureaucrat slow?

Farnsworth: Infinitely slower than that.

[Hermes, in shock, drops his martini, which shatters to the ground.]

Amy: So they'll be in, like, a coma?





Farnsworth: Oh my, no! They'll never notice any difference. But while they live out one second of their lives, years, if not centuries, will pass for us.





Fry: Aw, then I guess we won't get to spy on them anymore.

Farnsworth: Spy all you like. But it's about to get very, very boring.





Leela: Not for them.

[Zoom in on the simulation. The simulated crew acts in amazement as the magnetar begins to explode. It begins to glitch out the simulation and the simulated crew gasps.]

Simulated Zoidberg: Pixels!

[The explosion continues over the music of "Satellite" by Tea. Simulated Fry and Simulated Leela look at each other and as the simulation slows down, they slowly move closer for a kiss.]

[The executive producer credits also glitch out. The song continues over the Closing Credits.]

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