Transcript:Children of a Lesser Bog

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Transcript for
Children of a Lesser Bog
Written by	Eric Horsted
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Opening Credits. Caption: Anything happen while we were out?]

[Scene: The Planet Express building. Fry is looking sadly outside the living room window.]

Fry: [sighs]

[Fry takes the collar of his jacket and sucks on it.]

[Cut to: Inside. Leela and Amy are observing this.]

Amy: Awww, he's using his jacket as some kind of security blanket.

Leela: That's so cute and pathetic.

Bender: It really is. You do you, weirdo!

Fry: Oh, hey, guys. I'm just sucking on my jacket. A Clump-o-Honey candy got stuck right there over a thousand years ago, and I can still taste it.

Zoidberg: You know who I bet would like some of that? Me, Zoidberg!

[Zoidberg approaches Fry's jacket and slurps all over it.]

Fry: Oh, no! [sucks on his collar again] Zoidberg, you residue hog! Now all I taste is crab juice!

Zoidberg: So buy another jacket candy.

Fry: I can't. They stopped making it after it got reclassified as industrial glue.

Bender: Ah, then I, Bender, will recreate the recipe. Don't forget, I came in third on MasterChef Junior. [Bender takes a tiny chef's hat out of his cavity to prove his point and puts it on his antenna.]

[Scene: The kitchen. Bender and Fry are mixing the ingredients for the Clump-o-Honey.]

Farnsworth: May I have a taste?

Bender: Sure. You seem like the kind of guy who has a mouth.

[Bender pulls the spoon out of the cauldron and feeds the Professor.]

Farnsworth: Whoa! Diabetic coma! [falls over]

Fry: Hmm, I better add some sugar to make it less sweet.

[Fry pours in practically an entire bag of sugar into the cauldron.]

Bender: And just a touch of treacle, to remind me of my dear departed Aunt Juanita. [sniffles] She drowned in treacle.

Farnsworth: You know I'm dying on the floor.

[Cut to: Later on. Bender is humming and making labels for the Clump-o-Honey balls. Later, the crew is eyeing the bowl of clumps of honey and take handfuls.]

Bender: So what do you think?

Fry: Mmm, it's perfect, Bender! Totally jacket worthy! [he sticks the honey onto his collar.]

Leela: It's a little sticky.

Amy: [with mouth full] It's a lot sticky!

[The Professor groans as his mouth is totally stuck with honey.]

Amy: And there's something hard in it. [She takes out a piece of honey and sees that two of her teeth are stuck to it. She gasps as Bender yelps.]

Zoidberg: Luckily, I'm an expert at fixing human beak bones. Are you free Friday for an expensive appointment?

Amy: Let me check. Open calendar! [she blinks to turn her eyePhone on and looks at her calendar, then she notices a red event labeled "Event Reminder! (Created 01.12.3003)"] Shmeird. There's some old alert I set up 20 years ago. [She taps the date and reveals a picture of her and Kif embracing with the label "Due date." She gasps] Our babies?!

[Amy turns off her phone just in time for Kif to enter.]

Kif: It's time, my love.

Amy: Oh, Kif!

Bender: The hell you talkin' about? Somethin' to do with the meatbag life cycle?

Kif: That's right, Bender. Many years ago, I gave birth to a clutch of tadpoles with Amy by my side.

Amy: I have video of the birth. Wanna see it?

All: NO!

Hermes: That is the wrong kind of delivery!

[Amy blinks activating her eyePhone and plays the birth video featuring footage from "Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch".]

Kif: [on video] Whoa, Nellie!

[He pushes some more and eventually some spawn comes from between his legs and makes a splash. The rest of the crew react in disgust]

Bender: Life is disgusting.

Amy: No, it was beautiful. But I was so not prepared to be a mother.

Kif: [on video] In 20 years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.

Amy: [on video] I'll be ready then.

[Amy blinks turning the video off.]

Kif: Well, Amy, are you ready now?

Amy: Having a family with you is the only thing I want in the whole world.

Bender: Then can I have your car?

Amy: No!

Bender: Too late! I already crashed it!

[Scene: Amphibios 9. The Planet Express ship approaches the planet.]

Caption: Amphibios 9

[Scene: On the planet, the Planet Express crew, with Kif, and now joined by Zapp are at the pond.]

Kif: Oh, this is so exciting! The birth ceremony will begin any minute!




Bender: Thanks for the warning.

[Bender unscrews his eyeballs and drops them in the pond.]

Bender: And don't describe it to me!

[A car door is heard opening.]

Inez: We're here!

Amy: Mom! Dad! [Amy runs over to hug her mother] Oh, I'm so glad you made it!

Inez: Oh, we wouldn't miss the birth of our grandbabies for a million dollars!




Leo: 'Cause we're so rich, that's like a penny!

[The water begins bubbling as the Grand Midwife emerges.]

Kif: [sputtering] Oh, my. It's the Grand Midwife!

The Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Midwife!

Zoidberg: Big fan!

[The party approaches the Midwife.]

Kif: I am Kif of the clan Kroker.

The Grand Midwife: I know. I recognize your head.

Kif: And this is my smizmar, Amy. We've come to receive our offspring.

The Grand Midwife: As you transition to parenthood, I shall be your counsel and guide. I do so out of solemn respect for our traditions and not for any optional cash donation people sometimes place in that basket.

Amy: Thank you.

The Grand Midwife: It's green and there's a little sign on it.

Leo: Found it!

[Leo takes out some bill and squeezes some coins from it into the basket.]

The Grand Midwife: Then the emergence shall now commence!

[The crowd excitedly walks closer to the water, but nothing happens.]

The Grand Midwife: Or not. It's unpredictable. Guess I'll have to wing it. Anybody here from out of town? [a splash is heard] O-oh! Here they come.

[Bubbles emerge from the water and approach the party.]

Kif: Oh my. I'm so anxious my camouflage reflex is kicking in.

Amy: [checks her reflection in Kif's head] No, it's helpful. I wanna look cute for our hundreds of kids.

[Several pairs of little eyes come out of the water.]

The Grand Midwife: We shall now stand by, without interfering, as we observe the sacred process known as... the Winnowing.

Amy: What's that mean?

Kif: It means don't start naming them yet.

[Several large dragonflies fly down and begin feasting on the offspring, along with crocodiles, snakes, large fish, poisonous froads and even Zoidberg. The gang look on in horror. Finally, four grown children step out of the water.]

Fry: Four of them made it! [a chomp is heard offscreen] Well, three and a half.

The Grand Midwife: Young creatures of the Black Lagoon, go now to your parents.

[The children walk and approach Leela.]

Leela: Uh, can I help you?

Amy: Over here!

[The children walk towards Amy and Kif, who kneel down and hug them.]

Amy: [gasps] They're perfect!

Inez: Ew, she's touching them.

The Grand Midwife: Cherish these children, Kif and Amy, for they are beautiful.

[Bender takes out an extra pair of eyes from his cavity and looks at the kids.]

Bender: Eh...

The Grand Midwife: Well, in-in the sense that all children are beautiful.

[The rest of the party appear to agree with this sentiment.]

[Amy holds up and kisses her smallest child as the Grand Midwife snips off its tail like a circumcision.]

The Grand Midwife: The transformation is complete! We welcome these new beings of the land!

[The crowd cheers.]

Zapp: They can call me "Captain Uncle".

Zoidberg: [holding up the bucket with the kids' tails] Uh, I'll go dispose of this medical waste. With a little butter and lemon.

[Amy approaches her parents with her children.]

Amy: Want a picture with the kids?

Leo: No need. The way they look is burned into my mind.

Inez: They're nice, you know? Just a kinda little—

Leo: Super gross!

Amy: But... you're finally grandparents.

Inez: That'll be our little secret.

[The Wongs go back to their car and cover up their "Ask me about my lack of a grandbaby" bumper sticker with one that says "Don't ask me about my grandkids", and drive away.]

[Scene: The Planet Express building exterior.]

[Scene: The living room. Farnsworth is opening a can of Fiber Log in Sauce onto the plate in front of him.]

Farnsworth: Oh, my.

[Pull out to reveal Zoidberg feasting on a fish bone, and Leela on a whole chicken shish kabob.]

Amy: Thanks for bringing the kids by for my lunch break.

Kif: They're the sweetest thing on the menu.

Bender: Not even close! [takes another Clump-o-Honey]

Hermes: Uh, question. These three babies are totally different sizes. [beat] Question mark.

Kif: Oh, well, they grew up at varying rates depending on the temperature of the water they were in. [referring to the smallest child] Little Newt here was in a cold, deep area.

[Newt walks up to Leela.]

Newt: Mama!

Leela: Wrong again.

[The little girl walks up to the dining table.]

Kif: Mandy is from the temperate middle depths.

Mandy: [pointing to the Professor] He's shrively!

Farnsworth: Whoa-ho-ho! You haven't seen the half of it.

Kif: [referring to the oldest male child sitting on the couch] And Axl is from the warm shallows, just like his old man.

Axl: [sighs much like Kif] Do you always have to talk about me?

Leela: [referring to Newt] So why does this one keep calling me "Mama"? And what's with the big weird eye?

Amy: I't's not weird. It looks like yours.

Fry: [leaning in, whispering] It's pretty weird.

Leela: Why would he look like me?

Amy: Don't you remember? Twenty years ago, you impregnated Kif.

Leela: Seriously? Oh, my God. I must've been super drunk.

Farnsworth: Leela, you bone brain, you didn't hav sex!

Axl: Ha ha… "Bone".

Farnsworth: Luckily, there's an educational movie that explains how Kif's species reproduces. And it's filthy.

[Scene: The conference room. On an old 1950s style television, the film plays.]

Narrator: YowzaVision Educational Films presents Sex Across the Universe.

Bender: Oh, yeah! Educate me, baby.

Narrator: This week, the Amphibiosans. For every organism across the universe, reproduction is a steamy, erotic process. Except the Amphibiosans. They just barely touch hands while the rest of us are gettin' it on. Yowza.

[The Professor turns the hologram off.]

Bender: Eh, that was pretty hot.

Kif: So you see, Amy was my smizmar, the one whose mere presence made me receptive to pregancy.

Amy: Which makes me their "smizmama". [kisses Newt]

Farnsworth: But it was Leela who contributed the DNA when she accidentally touched Kif's hand.

Leela: [holding a bottle and slurring her speech] Are you sure I wasn't drunk? I-I mean I'm drunk now. [takes a swig]

[Amy kisses Kif.]

Axl: Ew! Mom, Dad!

Leela: [belches]

Axl: Leela!

[Montage: Over the music of "Kooks" by David Bowie, Kif and Amy take their children out in a stroller. The stroller gets a flat, so Kif inflates his arm and twists it off, frightening the kids, but they are relieved when his arm grows back. He uses the inflated arm to replace the tire. Axl and Mandy attempt to catch some butterflies while Kif tries to stop Newt from crying. Amy takes out a bottle and uses the butterflies Mandy and Axl caught to make into a smoothie for Newt to drink. In the lake, the Grand Midwife is secretly monitoring their parenting. Axl sprays the word "Poop" onto a brick wall to Mandy's amusement. Kif and Amy look at them disappointingly. Axl switches the spray paint from blue to brick as he covers the graffiti up. Newt attempts to grab the box of donuts on the picnic table, but falls over. Kif attempts to catch him, but Newt bounces on him, and Amy catches him.]

Kif: Let's reinflate my head and go home.

Amy: Yeah. Maybe they'll conk out and we'll get a little us time.

[In the background, Mandy chases Axl as they are both covered in brick spray paint.]

[Scene: Amy's apartment at night. The kids are making a mess of the whole apartment as Kif and Amy are exhausted. Axl and Mandy are having a wiener fight.]

Kif: [sighs] Those little kids are the best, but they're a lot.

[A hot dot splats onto Kif, which Amy cleans off.]

Amy: Well, luckily, there's two of us to split the work.

[Kif and Amy are about to kiss once more, but Kif's eyePhone rings.]

Zapp: [imitating a bugle fanfare] Doop, doo-doo doop, doop, doop, doop, doooooooop!

Kif: [salutes] Captain Brannigan! At your service, sir!

Zapp: With ease, Lieutenant. I have a bit of news to say at you.

Kif: Is it about the baby gifts you claim you sent? Because we still haven't—

Zapp: I'm afraid there's no time to discuss the many presents I bought, some of which are large. Solider, you are ordered to report for duty.

Amy: [gasps]

Kif: Is it war?

Zapp: I hope so, but we're not sure. All we know is that DOOP has lost radio contact with a remote outpost in Ursa Major. Over and under.

[The eyePhone shuts off.]

Kif: [sighs] I'm sorry you'll have to handle the kids alone.

Amy: [scoffs] I'm not worried.

[Newt falls from the ceiling.]

[Scene: The Nimbus airfield. The Nimbus departs as Kif sadly looks away at the window, and Amy and the kids look on and wave goodbye.]

Kif: I love you!

[Axl begins crying, followed by Mandy, then Newt, and finally Amy.]

[Scene: The Planet Express building. A rather shrill sounding shofar is heard.]

[Scene: The conference room. The shofar is being blown by the Professor.]

Farnsworth: Roll call! [to Hermes] Four-eyes. [to Leela] One-eye. [to Zoidberg] Crab-man. [to Bender] Can man. [to Fry] Who cares. Dammit, where's Amy? What do I need? A bigger antler?

[The door opens and Amy comes in with her children.]

Amy: Oh, I'm so, so sorry. The babysitter didn't show up.

[Amy's eyePhone rings and she picks up. Petunia is on the other end.]

Amy: Ah! Finally, where are you?

Petunia: Sorry, toots.

[Scene: The phone booth where Petunia is calling from.]

Petunia: I must have the address wrong. 784 West 28th Street? [smokes] Uh-huh. Weird, th-that's what I got. Oh, Earth! Ah! Coulda sworn you said Kepler-10b.

[Pull out to reveal the phone booth is in the middle of nowhere.]

Petunia: Guess I'll catch the next generation ship back to Nutley.

[Scene: Back at Planet Express. Amy hangs up.]

Amy: Oh.

Axl: Mom, Mom, Mom! Can you judge our whispering contest? [motions for her to come closer, whisper] Okay. You ready? [shouts] I LOSE! [laughs]

[Mandy angrily chases Axl around while Newt cries.]

[Scene: The Nimbus.]

[Scene: Kif's bedroom. His room is now covered in photographs of him, Amy and the kids. Kif is lounging on the bed drinking and eating a bowl of Clump-o-Honey.]

Kif: [burps, laughs] Look at me, chugging mineral water on a weeknight! So wild and free! [sobs as he looks at a drawing by Mandy] I miss them so.

Zapp: I feel you, soldier. And not in a handsy way this time. [takes some clumps] Mmmm. Sticky. Bring a bowl of these candies to my quarters when you're done crying. [attempts to salute, but some hair gets stuck to his glove]

[Scene: Planet Express living room. Leela enters carrying two cups of coffee as she notices the kids running around.]

Amy: Thanks for offering to watch the kids, Leela. [takes the cup of coffee] I need a break so bad. You have no idea.

Leela: No, it's clear you're a wreck and I get it. They're a nightmare. A-A sweet, adorable nightmare.

Amy: That's fair. Kids, Mommy's gonna go nap-nap. Don't be scared of Leela. She's very—

[The kids cheer and run to Leela]

Mandy: Yay! Mommy Leela!

Axl: Cowabunga, dude!

[Amy looks at the kids bonding with Leela in sadness.]

[Scene: The Lovenasium of the Nimbus. Kif walks in carrying the candy bowl.]

Kif: The Clump-o-Honeys you requested, Capt—Oh, jeez.

[Zapp is in the bathtub cleaning himself and humming, and Kif sighs walking toward him.]

Kif: If there's nothing further, I will—

Zapp: Oh, no, you willn't. These delicious Clumps aren't for eating. [takes some Clumps and chews them in his mouth and spits them out onto a stick] They're for manscaping. Manscape me, Kif. That's an order.

[Kif rips the honey off Zapp's chest hair.]

Zapp: Owooga!

[Scene: The Planet Express ship hangar. Leela walks the kids over to a conveyor belt attached to the ship.]

Newt: Ooh!

Mandy: Whoa! What's that?

Axl: I never saw one of those before, and I was born, like, four days ago!

Leela: It's a ship loader. Any hyperactive kids here up for a nice, exhausting treadmill race?

[Leela turns the loader on as the kids run on it.]

Axl: Oh, wow! Cool! [indifferently] I mean, cool.

Leela: God, I hope this works.

[The Grand Midwife peers out of the window behind Leela.]

[Scene: The archive room. Amy is asleep on the couch while Leela playing with the kids is on the screen. Amy wakes up, yawns and stretches and sees the footage in surprise.]

[Scene: A distant planet. Pull out to Kif at his station on the Nimbus.]

Kif: Approaching the outpost, sir. Still no response on any frequency.

Zapp: My God, what the hell happened down there? It looks like the whole planet has psoriasis.

Kif: You're looking at the back of my head, sir.

Zapp: [shudders]

[Scene: The outpost. An army ship lands, as Kif and Zapp emerge from it. Zapp cautiously aims his laser rifle wildly.]

Bear Biologist: Welcome to Exobiology Station 38.

[Zapp tries to fire his gun at the biologist, but no ammo comes out.]

Zapp: Dammit! I'm outta laser!

Kif: Um, hello, sir. Is this outpost secure? The DOOP hasn't receive any response from you in months.

Bear Biologist: Oh, yeah. Transmitter got ripped by bears. That's what we study here. Bears. I'm a bear biologist.

Zapp: Sounds like fun job that pays bad.

Bear Biologist: I used to be a whale biologist, but I hate whales. Hate them.

Kif: Well, then it's a good thing you found an animal you like.

Bear Biologist: Nope. Still looking. This bear species is known as tardigrades. It's a fancy word for "ugly".

[One of the tardigrades roar.]

Bear Biologist: Oh, shut up, you stupid bear! [to Zapp and Kif] They're also stupid, by the way. I discovered that. Bear biologist.

[Kif finishes repairing the transmitter, almost getting electrocuted in the process.]

Kif: I fixed the transmitter. Now, may I please head home to my family?

Zapp: Without delay, but first, candy break. [unwraps a Clump and sticks one in his mouth and throws the wrapper pin the ground attracting some tardigrades]

Bear Biologist: Are you bat crackers? If they smell human food, they go bat crackers!

[He disposes the wrapper in the incinerator. The tardigrades surround Zapp.]

Zapp: It seems they recognize a fellow apex predator. Well, four can play at that game. [strikes a karate pose]

[The tardigrades look at each other. We suddenly cut to Zapp being dragged away by the tardigrades.]

Zapp: [screaming] Kif, help!

Kif: [sighs]

[Scene: Central Park. The kids are riding Leela like a horsey.]

Axl: Let's go! Faster! Faster!

Mandy: Go, horseface, go!

Leela: (panting) Neigh! (saunters away tiredly)

Mandy: Now buy us ice cream!

Leela: [sighs]

[Scene: Planet Express building.]

[Scene: The living room. An exhausted Leela walks in carrying the kids eating their ice cream.]

Mandy: Rum raisin tastes just like caterpillars!

Newt: We love you, Leela!

Amy: Aw, hell no! You're not the mom of them!

Leela: What?

Amy: Are you done spoiling my kids rotten so they'll love you more?

Leela: I'm just a beaten-down horse.

Amy: Well, you can trot back to the barn now! Kif's coming home soon and you are not their mom!

Leela: Uh, actually, I sort of am.

Amy: G'wan! Git! Hyah! [mimes cracking a whip at Leela]

[Leela just walks away.]

[Scene: The bear outpost. Zapp is offscreen still screaming as Kif and the Biologist look in his direction.]

Zapp: Oh, God, they're nuzzling me!

[Kif's eyePhone rings and he answers.]

Kif: Hello?

Amy: [on phone, crying] Please come home, Kiffy! The kids like Leela more than me, and it really hurts! [sobs] I'm the worst mom ever! Except for my own mom!

Zapp: Stop licking my velour! It's dry clean only!

Kif: Amy, darling, the children love you. And I love you.

Zapp: And stay away from my scrotums!

[Scene: Planet Express.]

Kif: [on phone] You're their mother and you always will be. Nothing can change that.

[The Grand Midwife enters the room.]

The Grand Midwife: Amy Wong, a challenge has been filed for the motherhood of these children.

Amy: No…

[The call begins breaking up.]

Kif: Amy? Amy, I'm coming home, I swear!

[Scene: The outpost.]

Kif: [to Zapp] I have to leave right now, sir!

Zapp: No, Kif! The DOOP never leaves a man behind! Not when I'm the man!

Kif: Ugh.

[Kif picks up Zapp's gun and switches it on. He takes some dirt and smears it onto his face.]

Kif: All right, bears. Daddy's coming to tuck you in… [cocks gun] …to your graves!

[Kif charges into the cave. The biologist approaches the opening of the cave.]

Bear Biologist: I'll be out here!

[Scene: Planet Express building exterior.]

[Scene: Conference room.]

Amy: Nobody's taking my babies! They're everything to me!

The Grand Midwife: I appreciate your emotional shouting in my earhole, but I must intervene whenever parenthood is called into question.

[Leela enters carrying a jelly donut with a straw stuck into it.]

Leela: Grand Midwife?

Amy: Oh, drop the surprised act, Leela! How could you do this?

Leela: Do what? Suck the jelly out of the jelly donuts with a straw?

The Grand Midwife: This jelly hound did not summon me. The challenge is automatic when tests show the smizmar contributed no DNA. [takes out her clipboard and shows a pie chart of the children's DNA] The children inherited genes only from Kif and Leela… plus trace DNA form a certain "Scruffy".

[Everyone looks at Scruffy, who is lying down reading porn as usual.]

Scruffy: Scruffy's stuff gets around. [sniffs] Mmhmm.

The Grand Midwife: Should the challenge indicate someone else is the mother, then that person… eh, or whatever… shall raise the children.

Amy: But… But…

The Grand Midwife: You and Kif must be present for the challenge tomorrow. Good day. [starts to leave, but turns to Leela] Yeah, FYI, y-you've got a little jelly right there.

[Leela turns to the Midwife revealing she has a little jelly schmutz on her cheek.]

[Scene: The tardigrades' cave.]

Kif: Did somebody call an exterminator?

[Kif raises his rifle and shoots one of the tardigrades, which disintegrates into a drawing on the cave wall. He then shoots at three more and they also become drawings on the wall.]

Kif: It's been a blast!

Zapp: Help me, Kif! They found the secret candy in my girdle!

[Kif does a barrel roll near an opening in the cave and sees Zapp surrounded by seven tardigrades. Kif activates his camouflage, then strips out of his uniform.]

Kif: I'm a camouflaged killing machine.

[Scene: Planet Express living room. Amy is crying.]

Amy: I'm… I'm sorry I got so jealous, Leela. I just kinda lost it.

Leela: It's okay. The bond parents feel with their kids is intense… so I hear. I'm just proud I helped you become a mom.

[Amy continues to cry while holding Newt.]

Leela: I hope it works out for you tomorrow.

Amy: And if it doesn't, [sniffles] I'm sure you'll take good care of them. [She wails while embracing Leela.]

[Mandy sucks some jelly out of a donut while reading Go, Ladybuggle, Go!.]

[Scene: The tardigrade cave. Zapp is still surrounded.]

Zapp: I refuse to die groveling. But I'm open to sniveling. [drops to his knees and snivels]

[Pan overhead. Kif, still camouflaged, sneaks around the stalactites, and shoots at a few, hitting the tardigrades. Kif drops to the ground and un-camouflages.]

Zapp: Naked Kif, you saved my life! You have my undying loyalty.

[A few more tardigrades approach them. Zapp uses Kif as a shield.]

Zapp: Eat Kif! He's boneless! [he crawls away sniveling]

Kif: This one's for Axl, Mandy, and little what's-his-name!

[Kif cocks his gun, but hesitates when he sees three baby tardigrades approaching the two adult ones, reminding him of his own family. The tardigrades shield the babies. Kif aims at them and cocks his gun once more, ready to fire. Zapp crawls forward panting, and we hear laser shots offscreen.]

[Scene: Amphibios 9. The Planet Express crew, the Wongs, the Grand Midwife and Amy and her children are gathered at the pond.]

The Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Midwife from the other day, inquisitor for the challenge of Amy Wong. Amy, where is your smizmale?

Amy: He isn't with me.

The Grand Midwife: Oh, the sorrow! Oh, the shame!

Zoidberg: [pointing skyward] There he is!

[The DOOP helicopter begins its descent.]

The Grand Midwife: Okay, but it doesn't lessen the shame.

Amy: Kif!

Kif: Amy!

Mandy and Axl: Daddy!

Newt: I don't remember him.

Axl: So, like, did you do war stuff?

Kif: I did what a daddy had to do.

[Flashback: Kif with the tardigrade family. He cocks his gun.]

Bear Biologist: [speaking into his tricorder] Bear number 23 was also stupid, fighting for scraps while I dined on salmon tartare. [mock chewing, holds up a salmon] None for you, losers! [laughs]

[Kif shoots his gun in the direction of the biologist, it hits his salmon, the plate, and the ropes holding the bridge he is standing on, which falls with him to the ground. The tardigrades approach him as Kif flees.]

[Scene: Back to Amphibios 9.]

The Grand Midwife: The challenge may play out over days or weeks within the brutal confines of the Inquisidome. Some call it a tiki hut.

Amy: [in tears] Leela's gonna watch you guys while we're in there. [sniffles] And maybe a little longer. But whatever happens, you're going to be okay.

Axl: [embracing Amy] You are, too.

[Cut to: The inside of the Inquisidome. Amy and Kif pull back the curtain and approach the desk the Midwife is seated behind, and eye the book in front of her, which she opens.]

The Grand Midwife: The challenge is a challenging challenge, dating from when our language had few words. It will incorporate a battery of genetic tests and a full neuropsychological obstacle course. But it begins with a simple question. Amy Wong, do you or do you not love those children?

[Beat as tears well up once again in Amy's eyes.]

Amy: More than I knew I could love anything.

The Grand Midwife: Which is all that truly matters. [closes the book] The challenge is over. You are their mother and always will be.

[Amy smiles and hugs Kif. The Midwife pulls a rope, which causes the entire wall to fall over.]

The Grand Midwife: Oops! That wasn't supposed to happen. Cheap, lousy wall. Children, you may now come hug your mother and father. For only a small additional fee.

[The kids cheer and run up to their parents for a hug.]

Newt: You're my favorite mommy.

[The Planet Express crew watch on in tears as Bender reaches into his cavity for some champagne glasses and a jug of treacle. He uncorks it and pours while crying.]

Bender: Who wants treacle?

[Mandy plays with the spiny iguana on the Midwife's desk. Cut back to the crew now holding glasses of treacle.]

Fry: [to Leela] Strong stuff, huh?

[Leela sniffles. Fry and Leela clink their glasses together as the family embraces once more.]

[Closing Credits.]

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