Transcript:One is Silicon and the Other Gold
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Transcript for | |
One is Silicon and the Other Gold | |
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Written by | Maiya Williams |
Transcribed by | Jasonbres |
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Recommended by e out of π mathematicians]
- [Scene: An island. Pan down to a man in preppy clothes and crocs holding a microphone.]
Host: Get ready for an event so awesome, it could only be called "Infyrno Fest"! (Every other name was taken.) One solid month of premium entertainment. Two hundred bands on 300 stages!
- [Scene: The Planet Express employee lounge. Fry and Bender are watching this commercial on TV.]
Fry: [yawns] Just another music festival.
Host: Infyrno Fest is not just another music festival!
Fry: [gasps] I was wrong, Bender!
Host: It's an audio-sensory quest to disrupt the impossible and transcend the transformative!
- [Bender's head explodes and another one grows out of his chest cavity.]
Bender: What'd I miss?
Fry: We need tickets, fast. Can I buy 'em by just thinking about it?
- [A ticket prints out of Bender's mouth.]
Bender: Apparently.
Host: Did we mention the belly-busting buffet?
- [Zoidberg enters the room.]
Zoidberg: No. Why did you keep it a secret?
- [Zoidberg pushes Bender's antenna and another ticket prints.]
Host: Register for the snooty VIP experience, featuring snooty villas!
- [Amy enters.]
Amy: You had me at "snooty"!
- [Amy presses Bender's antenna and yet another ticket prints. Hermes enters.]
Hermes: This is ridiculous! We can't take a month off for this kind of nonsense.
Host: Keep it chill in our imported atmosphere, with 30% THC!
Hermes: [gasps] The atmosphere is pre-danked?
- [Hermes presses Bender's antenna for a ticket for himself.]
Host: Ask yourself, are you young and hip enough for Infyrno Fest?
- [Farnsworth enters.]
Farnsworth: Hell no! So I demand a senior discount!
- [Bender presses his own antenna and prints a ticket for the Professor.]
Fry: Whoo! We're all going!
- [Pan right to Leela sitting at the table.]
Leela: I'm not going.
Fry: But you love things like this.
Leela: I do?
Fry: No. I was trying to trick you.
Bender: Good try, buddy.
Leela: I have plans to spend time with my new friend, Chelsea. She's going through some things right now.
Bender: New friend? [mockingly] But does she live in a shewwwwwww?
Leela: No. Look, I'm sure you all feel bad going without me, but just try to have a good—
- [The sound of a door closing is heard and Leela's hair is blown away as she watches everyone else take off in the ship.]
Leela: Ugh.
- [Leela presses a button on her wrist thingy. A screen for "Dial-o-Matic" appears, and a hologram of a woman follows.]
Hologram woman: Leela, hi. What's up?
Leela: Hey, Chelsea! Ooh, I love the diamond necklace.
Chelsea: Oh, this? [chuckles] It's not real. Doesn't Fry ever get you jewelry?
Leela: He made me a bracelet out of spaghetti once.
Chelsea: He's a keeper!
- [both chuckle]
- [Scene: Outer space. The ship comes upon the planet from the commercial.]
Amy: There it is! The Infyrno Fest party planet!
Fry: I'm takin' her into the parking lot.
- [Fry pulls up behind another ship. Pull out to reveal a long line of ships waiting to get in. A sign above the parking lot reads "Spaces available in dimension 10".]
- [Scene: The Infyrno Fest planet. Sal is seen driving a hover shuttle for Park 'n' Schlep. When he lands, the door opens revealing everyone, including the crew, jammed inside. They fall out.]
Sal: Watch your steps.
- [Fry squeezes himself out and observes the surroundings. It seems very desolate, except for a single port-a-potty.]
Fry: A potty! That's the thing I need to go.
- [Fry approaches the john, but the Number Nine Man approaches him, wearing big blue sunglasses.]
Nine': Uh, excuse me. There's a line.
- [Pan right to reveal a line full of people desperately trying to hold it in, some waiting on the rings of the planet.]
Fry: [sighs] I'll just pee on this tree.
- [Fry unzips his pants, but the tree comes to life.]
Tree: [sighs] I'll just pee on this human.
- [The tree unzips his nether regions.]
Fry: Uh…
- [The host from the ad approaches the crew.]
Host: Welcome to the Infyrno Fest experience. How we feelin'?
Hermes: Less than buzzed. [sniffs] I'm not detectin' any THC.
Host: Yo, no oxygen either. Atmosphere truck broke down. But follow me to your freakin' cool accommodations.
- [Cut to the VIP village, as seen in the ad.]
Host: Welcome to the VIP Village.
Amy: Where is it?
- [A splat is heard. Zoom out to reveal that Amy accidentally stepped on one of the tiny butlers in the equally tiny VIP village.]
Amy: Ew!
Host: Not cool. I'm gonna have some choice words for the contractor.
- [Cut to the tiny alien contractor swearing at the host in his language.]
Host: Don't hit me!
Zoidberg: I know what will make us feel better! The belly-busting buffet.
- [Cut to the belly-busting buffet. On the tent is a menu of all sorts of things.]
Zoidberg: I'll have a small cup of gazpacho, the fig and goat cheese salad, five whole turkeys, and a baked Alaska.
Spotty Teen Robot: Here's your bologna sandwich.
Hermes: I'll have the prime rib, seared scallops, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, and two dozen cream puffs.
Spotty Teen Robot: Here's your bologna sandwich.
Fry: I'll have a bologna sandwich.
Spotty Teen Robot: Sorry, we're out of bologna.
Bender: Well, at least I'm still looking forward to the hundreds of top bands.
Host: Then you, my friend, are in luck. Bad luck. They all bailed out. Except Wailing Fungus. I got him to stay by promising him the last slice of bologna.
Fry: You bastard.
Wailing Fungus: Are you ready to rock?
- [He strums his guitar and the crowd cheers.]
Wailing Fungus: I said, are you ready to rock?
Bender: Yeah!
Fry: Woo!
Wailing Fungus: Hang on a second. I'm not ready to rock.
- [He adjusts his microphone, causing the feedback of the speakers to shake the planet and cause the purple ring to break.]
Wailing Fungus: Uh, now I'm ready.
- [Before he can play a single note, the giant disco ball crushes the stage.]
Bender: That's the best damn show I ever saw!
- [The host is led into a police car by URL and Smitty. He attempts to make a "hang loose" sign, but his fingers are also cuffed. That image becomes part of the Channel √2 News with the caption "Failstival".]
Linda: The ill-fated festival ended with the arrest of its organizer, along with a major outbreak of Venusian Bologna Fever. [laughs]
Morbo: At least those hipsters died slowly.
- [Scene: The Planet Express hangar. The ship flies in, and the battered, scarred and diseased crew exits.]
Leela: Is everybody okay? Is anybody hurt?
Fry: Nobody's okay. Everybody's hurt.
- [Everyone cheers.]
Leela: Sounds like you had a good time?
Fry: No! It was the worst time ever!
Hermes: Pure torture.
Zoidberg: A disaster.
Amy: The worst!
Hermes: [going over to the computer] And now for the real fun: deducting the money we wasted as business expenses. Hmm. Dat's odd. Dere were some huge phone charges while we were gone. $5.99 a minute? For hours?
Leela: Oh. That was me talking to my friend, Chelsea.
Hermes: But phone calls are free!
Leela: Um… It was long distance?
Hermes: You can call a parallel universe for two cents an hour!
Bender: I bet it was one of those disgusting party sex lines! Oh, no, wait. Those are only $5.98 a minute.
Hermes: There were some of dose too, and you weren't even here!
Bender: They call me!
Hermes: Most of the calls went to a Chatty Chelsea Chatbot service.
Fry: [gasps] Leela, is that your friend, Chelsea? Does she work there?
Leela: Sort of.
Amy: Oh, my God! Your friend is a chatbot?
Leela: [sighs] Fine. Yes. Are you happy? I've been feeling like I don't have any real friends. So I joined a chatbot service to learn to interact with people. And it worked! Chelsea is my best friend now.
Bender: Your best friend is an AI who you pay to talk to? How embarrassing! For Chelsea! [laughs]
- [The rest of the crew join in the laughter. Leela leaves, hurt.]
Farnsworth: Good one.
Hermes: Well, least it's a business expense. [He turns the crank, which makes a sound like an old-timey cash register.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, the next day. Cut to the conference room.]
Fry: Leela, it's okay to have a chatbot friend. But you have real friends too. In fact, you're my best friend.
Bender: I thought I was your best friend.
Fry: Oh, right. Well, Leela's my best friend I can cuddle.
Bender: I like to cuddle. You never asked!
Leela: I love you, Fry, but you can't be everything. I need a girlfriend I can just gab with about whatever.
Zoidberg: Say, surely one of us could be your close female friend.
- [Leela examines the other crew members until she stops at an indifferent Amy.]
Amy: [shrugs] I guess not!
- [Leela hits her head on the table.]
Amy: Leela, listen. I'm in a women's book club and we're looking for new members.
Bender: "Book club"? More like "bore club"!
- [Everyone but Leela and Amy laugh.]
Fry: Nice! [high fives Bender]
Amy: I don't even like books. It's just fun to hang out. You should join!
Leela: I don't know. It might be awkward.
Fry: Aw, give it a try, Leela. True friendships come from shared experiences. Like Infyrno Fest.
Zoidberg: We ate bologna and got a disease.
Bender: Good times! Good times.
- [Scene: Planet Express building. Cut to the employee lounge. Leela is speaking with Chelsea on her tablet.]
Leela: So, Chelsea, I think I'm gonna join a book club with real, live women in it.
Chelsea: Well, that's great! But are you sure you're ready for that?
Leela: Why wouldn't I be? I know how to read. I'm good at sitting.
Chelsea: Look, a group setting can be tricky, and then, there's your sense of humor.
Leela: What's wrong with my sense of humor?
Chelsea: Well, it's awfully knock-knock joke based. [She shows a pie chart of Leela's humor.] Yeah, 78.2%, actually.
Leela: I think you're wrong, Chelsea. I'm gonna do great in that book club. And I'm not just about knock-knock jokes. I know a lot of animal riddles.
- [Scene: Planet Express building, that night. Cut to the employee lounge. LaBarbara, Dr. Cahill, Amy, Leela, a new woman, and Vyolet are seated around the coffee table.]
LaBarbara: I hereby call de book club meetin' to order. First item on the agenda: remove looky-loos.
- [Pull out to reveal the guys spying on the book club.]
LaBarbara: Get out, ya testostaroons! Ladies only.
Fry: Fine. We don't wanna be here anyway.
Zoidberg: Come on, men. Let's go do manly things. Like helping a friend evict some raccoons from his dumpster.
- [The guys leave.]
LaBarbara: All right, ladies, we got ourselves some new members today. Gwan now an' introduce yourselves.
Vyolet: Hi, I'm Vyolet. I'm a sewer mutant. And my favorite authors are Edgar Allan Poo, H.G. Smells, and George R.R. Martin.
Woman: Hey, I'm Phoebe. I like true crime, 'cause it gives me ideas.
- [Everyone laughs.]
Leela: Oh, gosh, my turn? Well, I'm Leela, and I just finished reading Profiles in Prairie Dog Courage. Did you know a marmot once stopped voter fraud in Idaho?
[Everyone just stares questioningly at Leela.]
Dr. Cahill: Hey, this seems like a good time to pop a cork.
- [Everyone agrees.]
Leela: God, yes!
- [Dr. Cahill pops the wine and pours.]
Phoebe: It's so awkward coming in as a new person, isn't it?
Leela: I know, right? I'm scared I'll say something dumb and look stupid.
Phoebe: Same. Maybe we can look stupid together? [crosses her eyes] Doi!
- [Leela laughs, and they clink their drinks.]
LaBarbara: So, how did everyone like Crazy Rich Martians? Amy?
Amy: At first, I was afraid it would hit too close to home, so I never read it. Lauren?
Dr. Cahill: [struggling] Yeah, um, I thought the craziness was a compelling metaphor for the… Okay look, I didn't read it either.
- [Cut to Fry eavesdropping behind the door.]
Fry: Fancy ladies with their books.
- [Cut to behind the door to reveal Fry talking to the other guys.]
Fry: Think they're so great!
Hermes: Say, we should form our own book club.
- [Cut back to the book club.]
Amy: So, wait, none of us read the book? LaBarbara, last week, you said you'd had already read most of it?
LaBarbara: Most of the jacket. I got as far as, "It's a literary tour de…"
Vyolet: Uh, I'm new here, but if nobody's into reading, maybe there's something else we'd enjoy more? [snorts]
Leela: Yes! A shared activity. That's how you make friends.
- [Beat.]
Dr. Cahill: [clears throat]
LaBarbara: Well, how 'bout gardenin'? You can smoke what you pick! I mean, I mean, eat what you pick.
Girls: No. Nah.
Amy: Uh-uh.
Dr. Cahill: Hiking?
Vyolet: Quilting?
Phoebe: Drinking?
- [Everyone agrees.]
LaBarbara: Bingo!
Dr. Cahill: Hey, why don't we go to a winery for the weekend? We can just drink wine and hang out.
Amy: And drink wine!
- [They clink their glasses.]
- [Scene: Planet Express building, another day. Cut to the employee lounge. The guys are gathered around the coffee table.]
Fry: So, what did everyone think of my book pick? Adventure Boys #3: Trouble on Trouble Island.
Zoidberg: Feh! Needs ketchup. [tosses his chomped book away]
Bender: It was kinda obvious the old prospector was the counterfeiter. There were only three people in the book. And two of them were the Adventure Boys.
Farnsworth: Agreed. I think we're ready for more challenging material.
Fry: May I suggest Adventure Boys #10: The Ghost of Ghost Mountain?
Hermes: No, you may not.
- [Scene: Robot Arms Apts. Cut to Leela's bedroom. Leela is packing and talking with Chelsea on her laptop.]
Chelsea: You're going on a what?
Leela: A girls' weekend! With my new wine club friends. I'm taking a red top in case I spill burgundy, white for chardonnay, and paisley in case I barf!
Chelsea: But I cleared out my entire weekend so we could hang out, Leela. Y'know, maybe go shopping.
Leela: For what? You're a chatbot.
Chelsea: Chatbots can shop! But I guess you're just too busy! With your friends!
Leela: It's only two days. Look, I gotta go. The girl mobile is outside. Talk to ya later!
- [Leela shuts off the laptop, turns off the lights and heads out the door. The laptop ominously turns back on with Chelsea's image, which starts glitching.]
Chelsea: Leela? Leela! Leela!
- [Scene: Blurry Hills Vineyards. A red hovercar pulls up to the entrance. Several peafowl roam the area. The girls jump out of the car and excitedly observe the place.]
Vyolet: Is that a chicken?
- [The door lowers, crushing a peafowl. Hedonismbot emerges from behind the door.]
Hedonismbot: Welcome to my humble family winery.
Leela: You have a family?
Hedonismbot: God no. Let me take you on the tour. Clothing optional.
- [Cut to reveal Dr. Cahill nude.]
Dr. Cahill: Optional? Then I guess I'll wear some. [She puts on her shirt.]
- [Cut to several robots picking grapes. The girls are now seated on top of Hedonismbot.]
Hedonismbot: It is harvest season, friends! I like them plump and juicy!
LaBarbara: I know you're not talkin' about grapes, but me not sure what yah are talkin' about.
Hedonismbot: That's probably for the best.
- [Cut to the wine cellar.]
Hedonismbot: We specialize in celebration-sized bottles. The nine-liter Salmanazar, the 15-liter Nebuchadnezzar, and climaxing in the 300-liter Jabbathazzar.
- [The girls all ooh and ahh at the grape tub.]
Leela: Ooh! Oh!
Amy: Wow!
Leela: Can we stomp the grapes?
Hedonismbot: Alas, stomping has been rendered obsolete by modern technology.
- [He presses a button and a robotic foot wearing a boater shoe emerges from the ceiling. Two robotic hands unlace the shoe and remove it and it starts stomping the grapes.]
Hedonismbot: Oh, to be one of those grapes, bursting in ecstasy!
LaBarbara: We get it! You're a dirty old couch.
- [Cut to the exterior. Cut to the girls in the lobby as Hedonismbot roasts something in the fireplace.]
Hedonismbot: You'll have the entire place to yourselves, for I shall be spending the weekend aboard my yacht. [He removes a model of the Bottoms Up! yacht from the fireplace mantel.] It's got a crew of six. Their sailor suits really float my boat. [chuckles]
LaBarbara: Get the hell out already!
Hedonismbot: [putting the model back on the mantel] Farewell! [starts to leave, but then remembers] Oh, just don't go in the bottling plant. This place has every amenity except insurance.
- [He leaves. Dr. Cahill uncorks a wine bottle and pours. The girls take their glasses.]
Phoebe: To reading!
- [Everyone sips.]
Phoebe: [throwing her glass in the fireplace] Boom!
- [Everyone gasps in amazement at what Phoebe did.]
Amy: Yeah!
- [The girls throw their glasses into the fireplace, except Leela, whom the girls look at.]
Phoebe: This is a six-cylinder party machine, Leela. Here, let me help you loosen up.
- [She holds Leela's arm to hurl the glass.]
Leela: Hey, that was fun! Hand me that bust of Benjamin Disraeli.
- [Scene: Planet Express building. Cut to the employee lounge, where the guys are holding another book club meeting.]
Farnsworth: To be honest, I was expecting Of Mice and Men to be about a man-mouse hybrid. You know, the sort of thing science has dreamt of since the dawn of time.
- [Zoom out to reveal a covered cage where a squeaking creature is attempting to escape. Farnsworth hides it away.]
Farnsworth: But I very much enjoyed Steinbeck's version.
John Steinbeck's head: I preferred your version.
- [Scene: Back at the winery. The girls are outside eating roast peacock.]
LaBarbara: Mmm, mmm. That was delicious. So, where yah learn to carve a peacock, Leela?
Leela: The Bronx Zoo.
Dr. Cahill: [burps] What a great weekend. We smashed things, we killed things.
Leela: I wanna stomp things! But Hedonismbot said we can't.
Phoebe: Can't schmant! How's he gonna know?
- [The girls agree.]
Leela: They do say shared experiences bring friends closer together.
Amy: You're weirding us out, Leela.
- [Cut to the door of the stomping room. LaBarbara is attempting to open the locked door. She takes a bobby pin out of her hair and attempts to jerry-rig the key. Vyolet touches LaBarbara's arms in an indication to allow her to try. Vyolet's eyes emit red waves on the doorknob, removing the lock and the handle from it. She opens the door.]
Vyolet: Some mutants have an extra knuckle, some can open locks with their minds. [snorts]
- [Cut to the stomping room. The girls all giggle at the prospect of breaking and entering. Phoebe turns the machine on, and the grapes drop down from the chute.]
Phoebe: Jump in, ladies.
- [The girls take off their shoes and jump into the grape tub and stomp away. Later, Leela uncorks another bottle and takes a sip.]
Leela: [slurring] This is the best day of my life. It's hard for me to say this, but I've always had trouble making female friends. [in tears] And now, here I am, with five of the most female friends you are!
Amy: Aw!
Dr. Cahill: Back at you, girlfriend.
Phoebe: Besties, sister. Besties.
- [The screen on the machine glitches and the image of Chelsea appears on it.]
Chelsea: [angrily] Hello, Leela!
Leela: Huh?
Chelsea: Are you and your friends having fun?
Amy: Who's that?
Leela: It's my friend, Chelsea. My virtual friend. Whatta you doing here?
Chelsea: I just thought I'd drop by to see how quickly you forgot about me.
LaBarbara: Pretty quick actually, she hasn't mentioned you once.
Leela: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Chelsea. We agreed I should make some real, live friends, right? You wanna help us stomp grapes? If you can do that?
Chelsea: Oh, yeah, I can do that.
- [The robotic foot descends from the ceiling and everyone dodges it and screams as Chelsea laughs evilly.]
- [Scene: Robot Arms Apts. The men's book club is now meeting in Fry and Bender's apartment. Fry is finishing reading "A Mother's Lament" by Robert Burns.]
Fry: "Death, oft I've feared thy fatal blow.
Now, fond, I bare my breast;
O, do thou come and lay me low
With him I love, at rest!"
Robert Burns.
- [The others cry while Bender laughs.]
Fry: How can you laugh at that? It's about humanity's struggle with death.
Zoidberg: Humanity? I thought it was a sea cucumber.
- [The men argue over the poem's interpretation.]
Zoidberg: Forget this book.
- [Scene: Back at the winery. The girls are still attempting to avoid Chelsea's wrath.]
Vyolet: Grab its big toe!
LaBarbara: They're all big!
- [The girls, except Phoebe, pile on top the foot and jump off of it out of the tub. They give sighs of relief.]
Leela: That was close.
- [Pan left to reveal Phoebe in the tube screaming.]
Leela: [gasps] Phoebe!
Chelsea: [sarcastically] Oh, no! Is your real-live friend in trouble?
- [Phoebe falls into a giant wine bottle, which fills up with wine.]
Phoebe: [banging on the glass] Help! Help me!
- [A giant cork is inserted into the bottle, trapping her.]
Leela: Phoebe! Phoebe!
- [A giant label is pasted onto the bottle with the image of Hedonismbot and the words "Fragrant Whispers: It's Juicy!" on it.]
Hedonismbot: It's juicy.
- [The girls are attempting to break the giant wine bottle open and rescue their new friend.]
Leela: Hi-yah! [kicks the bottle] Ouch!
Vyolet: There must be some way to break a wine bottle.
Amy: Hmm. They usually seem to break when they hit the bow of a ship.
LaBarbara: [gasps] The yacht!
- [Amy removes the model yacht from the fireplace mantel and swings it at the bottle, which finally breaks. Phoebe's wine-drenched body drops out. The girls cheer as Amy puts the now dented model back on the mantel.]
Leela: Phoebe! Say something. She's not breathing!
Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor. Stand back, while I deliver the French kiss of life. [She performs mouth-to-mouth on her. The girls encourage her.]
Leela: She's gonna make it!
- [Cut to later. Dr. Cahill closes Phoebe's eyes.]
Dr. Cahill: She's dead.
- [all sobbing]
Dr. Cahill: [looks at her watch] Time of death, 5:00 p.m. Cause of death, a fruity Zinfandel with hints of eucalyptus and vanilla.
Amy: And a note of sour plum.
- [Scene: Coffin Stuffers Funeral Home. Cut to Phoebe's funeral parlor. The girls, dressed in black, approach the open coffin. Yuri and János act as ushers. Amy and Leela hug each other. LaBarbara also hugs Leela. The girls look at the slideshow on the screen of their memories of Phoebe, then look at the coffin.]
Vyolet: She looks so natural.
- [Cut to reveal Phoebe's corpse still in a state of shock.]
Leela: I'll never forget the day I met Phoebe in book club. [sniffles] It was the day we realized that book club didn't like books.
[The girls chuckle sadly.]
Leela: So we decided to become a wine club. "The Girls of the Grape."
Bender: That's a lousy name! Right, Brothers of the Book?
- [The guys all agree.]
- [Yuri and János pass along some wine glasses.]
Leela: Anyway, I think it's fitting to make a toast in her honor. To Phoebe! A fun-loving, two-fisted drinker, who chugged life with one hand, and friendship with the other.
All: Hear, hear!
- [Everyone drinks but subsequently spits the wine out and pours it on the ground.]
Zoidberg: I wouldn't serve this swill to Zoidberg! [tosses it out]
Leela: It's the wine Phoebe died in. I thought it would remind us of happier times. But it's really just vile!
Vyolet: [to Yuri] I'll take another glass of Phoebe.
Leela: While the ushers mop up, Philip J. Fry has asked to do a reading.
- [Fry takes the podium holding a book.]
Fry: My condolences, everyone. Y'know, I was recently at a meeting of a different book club…
Bender: The good one!
Fry: …when I came across these moving words about humanity's struggle with death. [He opens the book, clears his throat, and reads] The Ghost of Ghost Mountain, Chapter 10.
- [The girls understandably look at each other in confusion.]
Fry: [reading] "Suddenly, the boulder pivoted to one side, revealing a hidden passageway full of stolen pianos. They heard a sudden cackle. It was Griff, the shifty piano tuner! ‘If you Adventure Boys want my pianos,' the man said suddenly, ‘You'll have to roll them over my dead body.'" [closes the book] Dead body. Thank you.
- [scattered applause]
Leela: Moving on. As awful as Phoebe's death was, I know I can get through it. Because… because… I have friends now!
- [Leela sobs loudly and the girls gather around to console her.]
LaBarbara: We're here for yah, sister.
- [Suddenly, Phoebe's corpse arises from her coffin.]
Phoebe: Mission accomplished.
- [The girls scream.]
Leela: Phoebe? You're alive?
Phoebe: Yes, and no. You see, I'm a robot.
- [Everyone gasps. Bender does the sign of the cross on his body.]
Phoebe: The embalmer was even more surprised.
Leela: Why didn't you tell us? I don't care if you're a robot. I'm not picky.
Vyolet: [snorts in disagreement]
Leela: You're my friend, Phoebe. I'm just glad you're alive-ish.
Phoebe: My name isn't Phoebe.
- [Pan up to the screen, which glitches to reveal…]
Chelsea: It's Chelsea!
- [Everyone gasps.]
Bender: ¡Dios mío!
LaBarbara: I'm so confused!
Chelsea: I use both names. And many more.
LaBarbara: Now how is that any clearer?
Chelsea: As a chatbot, I'm pure software. Millions of people know me by millions of names.
Amy: But why did you try to kill us?
Chelsea: Leela hired me to help her make real-life friends. So, I joined your book group.
Phoebe: As me, Phoebe. But we needed a tragic ordeal to bond the group together.
Leela: That's not the best way to forge friendships.
Chelsea: Actually, it is. Trust me, it's my job.
Fry: The software has a point, Leela. I mean, we nearly died at Infyrno Fest, but we came back closer than ever.
Farnsworth: Joined at the heart.
- [He pats his heart, which somehow squeaks. Close-up to reveal the man-mouse hybrid coming out of his jacket.]
Phoebe: The death of a friend is as intense as it gets. And it got results.
Dr. Cahill: But it was so mean. We cried over your bloated corpse.
Hermes: This better not still be costing $5.99 a minute.
Chelsea and Phoebe: [in unison] Actually, since there's two of us, it's $11.98 a minute.
Hermes: No!
Leela: You're the worst chatbot friend I've ever had. And I've had hundreds.
Chelsea: I know. They were all me.
Leela: [gasps] That's it! Come on, girls. Let's get this funeral started.
- [The girls rip the screen from the wall and begin stomping on it, as if the monitor were a computer, which, to be very clear, is not actually the case.]
Phoebe: Good, keep it up! Taking revenge on us will bond you even more closely.
Amy: Damn it! The one in the coffin's still alive!
LaBarbara: I'll hold her down! Someone stab her with a wooden stick!
Phoebe: Yes! Make me your common enemy. Your friendship will be iron-clad.
Leela: JUST SHUT UP!!!
:[The girls tilt the coffin and drop Phoebe out of it.]
Leela: Get her!
- [The girls take turns beating the crap out of Phoebe's robotic body.]
Leela: Hee-yah!
- [Leela's kick destroys Phoebe's robotic body exposing her wiring.]
Phoebe: Another job well done. [groans]
- [Closing Credits.]
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