Transcript:The Futurama Mystery Liberry

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Transcript for
The Futurama Mystery Liberry
Written by	David X. Cohen, Jeanette Lim and Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Opening Credits. Caption: You Streamed It, You Can't Unstream It!]

[Scene: Somewhere in the universe. We see a Public Liberry floating. Zoom in on what appears to be beloved celebrity and former kids' TV show host LeVar Burton sitting in a rocking chair and wearing his visor from Star Trek: The Next Generation.]

LeVar Burton's unlicensed hologram: Oh! Hi, kids. I'm an unlicensed hologram of LeVar Burton. I didn't see you beam in because I had my sleep mask on. [takes it off] Today, we're going to learn about the wonders of books, and all the fun adventures you can have watching TV shows based on them. So throw another book on the fire and settle in for The Mystery of the Missing Mass.

[Zoom in on the house on the book cover, which crossfades into a resemblance of a watercolor painting of the same house in a nondescript suburban neighborhood.]

[Scene: Inside the house. We see a grandfather clock in between two large Ming vases. The clock strikes three. Pan left. Granny Trew, who happens to resemble Amy's mother, Inez, is at her chair making a needlepoint cat. Her thimble drops off her thumb.]

Granny Trew: [curses in Cantonese] I lost my thimble!

[A little girl approaches her, who also happens to resemble a younger version of Turanga Leela.]

Lancy Trew: This sounds like a job for Lancy Trew, girl detective! I'll look for clues.

Granny: Don't look for clues! Look for the damn thimble!

Lancy: No clue can hide from my trusty flashlight! [She turns on her flashlight.]

Granny: It's daytime, you big stupid.

[Lancy closes the curtains and switches off the light and turns on her flashlight. She points it at Granny. Suddenly, her father, who looks a bit like Hermes Conrad, switches the lights back on.]

Father Trew: Lancy, leave Granny alone! You know she's got severe dementia!

Granny: [sitting on nothing] Now my chair's gone! [lands on the floor]

Father: Yah never had a chair.

Lancy: What's up, Dad? Trouble with one of your legal cases?

Father: I'm afraid so. De bank is going to foreclose on poor Farmer Pete's luxury office tower if he can't produce de property deed by 5:00 p.m.

Lancy: And you lost the deed because you were drunk?

Father: I didn't lose it. I carefully hid it, along wit' my emergency vodka, in the old grandfather clock.

[Pan right to where the clock should be.]

Father: [gasps] The clock's gone! Someone stole it!

Lancy: This sounds like a job for Lancy Trew, girl detective!

Father: I'm countin' on ya, Lancy. You've got to find dat clock by 5:00 p.m.

Lancy: What time is it now?

Father: I don't know! The clock was stolen!

[Scene: Somewhere in the neighborhood. We see a sign reading "Welcome to Outskirt Village, Population: 8.2 million", which seems very high for a rather small-looking neighborhood. Pan right to some picnic tables. Lancy is with two very handsome boys who are definitely not a black-haired Fry and a blonde-haired Bender.]

Lancy: It's my most difficult case ever. How can I look for clues before 5:00 p.m.?

[A girl looking like Amy Wong with a pixie cut and a little league uniform approaches them.]

Andi: What's up, Lancy? Wanna play catch?

Lancy: Hi, Andi. Guys, have you met my tomboyish friend Andi?

Andi: Why can't ya just call me your friend Andi?

Lancy: Andi's on the boys' baseball team.

Andi: It's just called "the baseball team."

Lancy: Because you're on it. Before that, it was called "the boys' baseball team."

Phil Smardy: So she's the boy who took my spot.

[Scene: Some time later. Lancy, the Smardy Boys, and Andi are practicing their pitches. In slow-motion, the ball approaches Biff, but curves away.]

Biff Smardy: Jeepers.

Phil Smardy: Whoa, you've got a great curveball, Andi. I mean for a girl… I mean tomboy.

Andi: Why don't you just say I've got a great curveball? Why do you have to qualify it like that?

Phil Smardy: I dunno. ‘Cause I'm insecure?

Biff Smardy: Yo, where'd the ball go?

Andi: [gasps] It's gone! Someone stole it!

Lancy: This sounds like a job for Lancy Trew. [turns on her flashlight again] And her tomboyish sidekick.

[Andi hits Lancy in the head with her flashlight.]

Lancy: We better split up. I'll go search the old abandoned cave.

[They all go their separate ways, except Andi, who stays behind.]

Andi: I'll just… I'll handle this immediate area right around here.

[She takes Biff's Loxie Cream Cheese Soda, pops it open and drinks it.]

[Scene: The old abandoned cave. Lancy uses her flashlight to search for clues. She finds a treasure chest, an Easter Island head, and a skull with a sword lodged in it.]

Lancy: Nothing but clues from my last three cases, and no sign of the clock.

[Suddenly, the light from Lancy's flashlight curves. Zoom in on Lancy as she screams at her discovery.]

[Scene: Back at the picnic table. Biff, Ben, and Andi are drinking bottles of soda.]

Andi: Man, Lancy's been gone a long… [burps] …time.

[Biff chugs a bottle and emits a flaming burp.]

Phil Smardy: This sounds like a job for… [burps]

The Smardy Boys: The Smardy Boys!

[Scene: Another book is thrown into the fireplace. The Case of theMissing Detective: A Smardy Boys Adventure. The cover cross-dissolves into the Smardy Boys lurking behind a wall.]

Phil Smardy: [belches] We'll start by searching everywhere, in every imaginable place.

Biff Smardy: Right. But we'll need an automo-car.

[A car pulls up and a chauffeur resembling Zoidberg is driving it.]

Chud: Howdy, friends! Need a lift in my jalopy?

Phil Smardy: Hey, it's our portly pal, Chud.

Chud: Why can't you just call me your pal Chud? You somehow feel obligated to comment on my weight?

Biff Smardy: [chuckles] I call him Chubbo.

Phil Smardy: Chud, this is Lancy's tomboyish friend, Andi.

Andi: [under her breath] Why?!

[Scene: Near the lighthouse. The Smardy Boys and Andi are driving along the road. We hear 1920s jazz playing on the car radio.]

Biff Smardy: Mind if I change the station?

Chud: Yes.

Biff Smardy: I wasn't talkin' to you.

[He changes the station to the news.]

Morbo: [on radio] This just in. A wave of robberies has struck Outskirt Village. Police are advising local teenagers to solve the crime as quickly as possible.

Biff Smardy: [gasps] Step on it, Chubbo! I mean, if your jalopy can even go uphill with you in it. [chuckles]

[Phil laughs and they high five.]

Chud: Ugh! That's it. I can't go on living. I'm driving off the cliff!

[Chud drives the car off the cliff and into the ocean. Andi and Philscream, but Biff just laughs.]

[Scene: Lancy's house. Chud's car, which somehow did not land in the river, pulls into the driveway.]

Chud: And here we are at Lancy's house. I must have made a wrong turn at the cliff.

[Scene: Inside Lancy's living room.]

Biff Smardy: This whole crime wave started with that missing clock. That's the key to solving this mystery book.

Chud: It is? Why would you think that?

Biff Smardy: It's called a "hunch," Chud. Eh, you sidekicks wouldn't understand.

Andi: Ugh!

Father: De clock was over here, between these Ming vases. [gasps] The vases are gone!

Phil Smardy: And my gun is missing!

Andi: My baseball mitt's gone, too!

Biff Smardy: Chud, did you eat Andi's mitt?

Chud: [with the mitt in his mouth] Yes, but not the other stuff. [slurps]

Andi: Shploikees, the whole house is gone!

[Zoom out to reveal the entire house has indeed disappeared, along with the entire neighborhood.]

Phil Smardy: The entire town of Outskirt Village has been stolen.

[The sound of the grandfather clock chiming is heard.]

Chud: Wait, I found the clock!

[Cut to reveal the clock on the grass.]

Phil Smardy: Then the criminal has only one place left to hide: inside that clock. Let's see who the real culprit is.

[Phil turns the handle and opens the clock's door. They all gasp at the sight, a strange blue vortex.]

Biff Smardy: What the hell is that?

[A wrinkled young boy that is definitely not a brown-haired version of Professor Farnsworth approaches them.]

Tom Snift: Allow me to explain.

Phil Smardy: It's Tom Snift, the boy inventor.

Tom Snift: Why can't you just call me the inventor?

[Scene: Yet another book is thrown into the fireplace: Tom Snift and His Atomic Smell-o-scope. Cut back to where we left everybody.]

Tom Snift: This object is known as a gravitational black hole. Anything that falls in can never escape, not even light itself.

[Cut to inside the black hole. Lancy, the light from her flashlight, Granny's rocking chair and thimble, one of the Ming vases, Andi's baseball, and the property deed are all seen floating in the black hole.]

Lancy: [screams] Help! Help!

[Zoom out back to outside the black hole.]

Andi: I hear Lancy!

Tom Snift: A little sound can get out, but that's it.

Father: Hurry, we can still save my emergency vodka! And my daughter.

[The Smardy Boys tie themselves to the bumper of Chud's jalopy.]

Phil Smardy: As the heroes, Biff and I will jump in and rescue those things.

Tom Snift: Well, you don't understand, the gravitational forces will shred you like…

[He screams as the hole removes his skin from his skeleton, and the bones get sucked in as well.]

Biff Smardy: There goes young Tom Snift. Off on another adventure.

Phil Smardy: Chud, Andi, you pull us out with the jalopy, so we can get all the credit.

Andi: You got it, Smardy Boys.

Chud: You can count on your bitter, degraded sidekicks.

[Phil salutes them and the Smardy Boys jump into the hole, screaming.]

Andi: Enjoy the hole!

[Chud snips the ropes off trapping everyone in the hole.]

Chud: [laughs]

[Father gets sucked into the hole, followed by the trees, and the ocean, and the mountains, and the entire planet. But somehow, Chud and Andi escape it in their jalopy, which flies past the window of the Public Liberry.]

Burton: Well, kids, I hope you enjoyed watching that book as much as I did. Here's another one I've been looking forward to because it's so short.

[Close-up on the cover of the book. The title in French reads "Fryfry: Le Mystère de la Maivelle D'or", which the subtitle, in AL1, translates as "The Mystery of the Golden Crank".]

[Scene: The art now resembles that of Hergé. The scene is changed to Brussels, Belgium. Fryry, and his lobster-dog, Zoidy, in his bicycle, approach a brick building that resembles Planet Express. Close-up on the sign resembling the Planet Express logo, but a bicycle in place of the ship and the words "L'Express de la Planète".]

Zoidy: [barks]

[Scene: Fryfry enters the building.]

Fryfry: Bonjour, mes amis. I convey the morning deliveries.

Professor Algebra: Bonjour, young Fryfry. Oh, I hope today is the day.





[Fryfry reaches into his bag and pulls out a grocery bag filled with bottles.]

Fryfry: Ah, something for Captain de L'eela.

Captain de L'eela: It's my, uh, medicine for my ailment.

Fryfry: Ah, oui, alcoholism.

[de L'eela uncorks a bottle and starts drinking.]

Algebra: Is there nothing for me? I've been waiting so many years.

Fryfry: Alas, perhaps tomorrow. No wait! [Pulls out a giant envelope] I overlooked this letter for Professor Algebra, from Argentina.

Algebra: L'Argentine? [He takes out a mini smelloscope and sniffs.] Oh, and it's perfumed. [chuckles]

de L'eela: [slurring] Who is sended it?

Algebra: The most beautiful songbird I ever laid eyes on.

[An image of a woman resembling Mom appears in his spectacles.]

[Flashback: A younger Algebra is rowing the woman in a rowboat.]

Algebra: [voiceover] Love was in the air, but so was war and bridges.

[The rowboat Algebra is rowing hits a very low bridge.]

[Scene: An ocean liner.]

Algebra: [voiceover] She fled to South America, he victim of unspeakable war crimes. Or perhaps perpetrator, I could never get a straight answer.

[Scene: An opera house. The woman is singing the Queen of the Night's aria from Mozart's The Magic Flute on stage.]

Algebra: [voiceover] She became the most famous opera singer in Argentina. "The Warbler of Buenos Aires," they called her.

[Scene: Algebra writing a letter to the Warbler.]

Algebra: [voiceover] We carried on a transatlantic romance for decades…

[Scene: Back in the present.]

Algebra: …or at least I did. And finally, I asked for her hand in matrimony.

de L'eela: [slurring] What she saided?

[Algebra rips open the envelope and takes out the letter and reads it.]

Algebra: Good news, tout le monde!

[Everyone cheers, and Zoidy barks.]

Algebra: Captain de L'eela, prepare the aeroship!

[Scene: The runway. An aeroplane resembling the Planet Express ship takes off, but its drunk captain cannot keep it in a straight line.]

[Crossfade to a map with a red dotted line path.]

Algebra: We'll refuel in Zurich, Zaragoza, and Zanzibar. Then take on provisions in Zaire.

Fryfry: Monsieur, must you deface my finest globe?

[Scene: Zaire. Bed Bath & Bazaar. Algebra approaches a fruit vendor.]

Algebra: One baobab fruit, please. Do you accept Belgian waffles?

[The vendor takes the waffles in exchange for the baobab, which he adds to the fruit basket on his head. de L'eela meanwhile has a basket of wine bottles on her head. Cut to Fryfry and Zoidy looking at vendor selling unusual masks and weapons. Ndulu is fanning himself. He opens the window with a golden crank, which falls off.]

Zoidy: Ruff? [whoops]

Fryfry: Qu'est-ce que c'est, Zoidy?

Ndulu: That is, um, the golden crank of Khartoum. Yes, most powerful it is. They say it can crank anything.

Fryfry: [gasps] I'll take it! Is all my money enough, or do you want zis thing too?

Zoidy: [barking, through subtitles] Please take me, for he is abusive.

[Scene: Back on the aeroplane. The crew is enjoying their wares. The plane crosses the Atlantic Ocean. Crossfade to Algebra drawing a path on Fryfry's globe.]

Algebra: There's nowhere to land during the long ocean crossing. I just pray my magic marker holds out. Also, how's our fuel supply?

de L'eela: [drinking the gas can] Delicious. [burps fire]

[The plane begins to plummet and spiral. Everyone screams as Algebra's magic marker makes a spiral on Fryfry's globe near Argentina.]

[Scene: The Argentinian Andes. Pan left to the burning wreckage of the aeroplane. The door opens, and Algebra, de L'eela, Fryfry and Zoidy walk out somehow unscathed.]

Algebra: Great work, Captain de L'eela, you stuck the landing.

[Scene: Cliffington Manor. The crew walk in, greeted by the butler, who looks like a bald Scruffy.]

Butler: Presenting the Gray Warbler of Buenos Aires.

[The Warbler descends the stairways singing the Queen of the Night's aria.]

Algebra: My love, you're even more gray and warbly than I remember.

Warbler: Who the hell are you?

Algebra: Your fiancé, Professor Algebra.

Warbler: Algebra? Oh, for the sake of Pete, I addressed it to the wrong professor. I'm engaged to Dr. Geology now.

[Professor Geology, who looks like Farnsworth's old enemy, Dr. Wernstorm!, enters.]

Geology: Tough break, old man.

Algebra: Geology!

Warbler: Sorry for the confusion. You may stay for my concert and a light meat supper. Then, scramolio!

Geology: I love it when you speak European.

[They kiss passionately, as Fryfry covers Zoidy's eyes.]

Algebra: He will feel the wrath of Algebra!

[Scene: An opera house. The Warbler concludes her rendition of the Queen of the Night's aria to a standing ovation. Pan to seats reserved for Geology and Algebra, empty.]

[Scene: Outside Cliffington Manor. Fryfry and Zoidy go for a walk.]

Fryfry: Strange. Both professors missed the opera.

Zoidy: [whoops]

Fryfry: Zoidy, no! You stupid lemming!

Zoidy: [with a bone in his mouth] Woof! Woof! Ruff ruff ruff!

Fryfry: You found a bone? But where?

[They find a skeleton wearing Geology's hat in the cliff.]

Fryfry: Professor Geology! Are you okay?

[Cut to inside the manor. de L'eela, the Warbler, and Algebra are having afternoon tea. de L'eela pours some wine into her tea.]

Warbler: Where in butt's ass is my fiancé?

Fryfry: [pants] I'm afraid 'e is dead.

Warbler: [gasps]

[Geology walks in, very much alive.]

Geology: I find that rather hard to believe.

Fryfry: I can prove it, smarty pants.

[Scene: Outside. Everyone is on a lift looking at the skeleton. Fryfry places the bone back into place and pats Zoidy. Geology dusts the skeleton.]

Geology: My heavens! It's a priceless fossil dating to geologic antiquity.

Algebra: You're a priceless fossil dating to geologic antiquity!

Geology: Uh, my hat must have blown onto it by chance, making me its official discoverer.

Algebra: [to the Warbler] He doesn't love you like me. He's just here because some valuable specimen happens to be on your property.

[Fryfry finishes dusting off the skeleton.]

Fryfry: And 'e's already sold off half of it.

[Cut to reveal half of the skeleton missing.]

Algebra: You fiancée-stealing bone thief! I'm calling the authorities!

[A police car siren wails. Three "identical" police officers that are not Bender, Hermes and Amy with bowler hats, canes, and mustaches emerge.]

Gemelos Twin 1: Hola, carnitasbags. We are the Gemelos twins, chief detectives of the Argentinian National Police!

de L'eela: I'm seeing double! [She throws her bottle away.]

Algebra: This man is a thief, Officers.

Gemelos Twin 2: That's enough evidence for the Argentinian National Police! Lock 'im up, boys!

Geology: Now, hold on! I may have stolen the warbler's heart, but not the missing bones.

Gemelos Twin 3: Either way, you'll die in prison.

Fryfry: Wait, I 'ave an idea.

[He pulls the crank from earlier out of his pocket and attaches it to his globe.]

Warbler: Mon Dieu, la golden crank of Khartoum.

Fryfry: Mais oui. I shall rewind ze Earth backwards in time. Then we shall see who came here to steal ze bones.

[He starts cranking the globe.]

Algebra: That'll never work. [gasps as he looks at his pocketwatch] It's working! One hour ago, two hours ago, 12, 36…

Fryfry: How strange. No one's been ';ere for days, weeks, millennia.

Algebra: Ten million years, a hundred million…

Zoidy: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof woof!

[Cut to reveal another land mass coming toward them.]

Warbler: What the fromage is that?

Geology: Africa, of course!

[Everyone gasps in confusion.]

Geology: Must I explain everything? Give me that globe! [He turns the crank.] You see, hundreds of millions of years ago, there was only a single land mass known as Pangaea. But when the continents drifted apart, Africa separated from South America. I shall call it the Theory of Plate Tectonics! Wind the continents a smidge closer, Fryfry.

[Fryfry does so. Geology goes into the lift. Africa keeps moving until it stops.]

Geology: Behold, the missing half skeleton!

Algebra: My word, you're right. The fossil and the fiancée are yours.

Geology: You may rewind now, Fryfry.

[Fryfry turns the crank, but in the wrong direction as the continents start to collide on Geology.]

Geology: Ahhh! Other way! Other way!

[Crunch!]

Fryfry: D'oops, hang on!

[Fryfry turns the crank as the body of Geology splits in half, turning him into the skeleton as it turns back to the present day.]

Gemelos Twin 1: Well, that solves the mystery of the missing bones!

Algebra: What do you say, my petite warbler? Shall we give it another go?

Warbler: Uh, Which one are you again?

Algebra: I don't remember.

Warbler: Eh, whatever. Who cares?

[They kiss.]

Fryfry: Let's go 'ome!

[Fryfry turns the crank until Belgium is in close proximity. Mendelssohn's Wedding March plays as Algebra carries the Warbler over the threshold.]

Zoidy: Ruff ruff ruff ruff! Ruff ruff ruff! Awooooooooo!

[Scene: The Public Liberry. Burton closes the book.]

Burton: And they all lived happily ever after, except that guy who died. All right, kids, I saved the best for last. Wait, I read them out of order. Anyway…

[Close-up on the book Burton is holding, Wikipedia Brown Steps in a Clue.]

[Scene: Wikipedia Brown's house. Wikipedia Brown, who for some reason once again looks like Bender, is in his garage. A sign hangs over him saying "Mysteries Solved: 25¢ up front". He looks through his magnifying glass.]

Wikipedia Brown: Hmm. I do believe someone stole my bike.

[Lolly, who once again looks like Leela, pulls up with Wikipedia's bike.]

Lolly: Here's your bike back.

[She hurls it at Wikipedia.]

Wikipedia: That solves the mystery of the missing bike.

[Hattie approaches him.]

Hattie: Well, I've got another mystery that needs solving. Which one'a you is Wikipedia Brown, the boy detective?

Wikipedia: That's me, lady. Gimme 25 cents!

Lolly: And I'm his bodyguard, Lolly. I like to punch people.

[Lolly punches Hattie as she puts a quarter in the jar.]

[Flashback.]

Hattie: I had just cooked up a fresh batch of salt water taffy, so I put it on the whatchacallit sill to cool.

[End flashback.]

Hattie: Next thing I knew, half of it was gone!

Wikipedia: Hmm. This is a serious crime.

Hattie: It is?

[Lolly punches Hattie again.]

Hattie: I've got a pretty good idea who did it.

[She takes out a book illustration with the last line she said underneath it on it.]

Hattie: Claws Pinchy and his gang of mischief-makers have been hangin' around my window sill lookin' whatchacallit, hungry. And now they're at your house. Look!

Wikipedia: Don't tell me how to do my job.

Tough guy 1: Hey.

Claws Pinchy: Yo.

Tough guy 2: Ya, mon.

Tough guy 3: Yup.

Wikipedia: [gasps] I have solved the mystery of the missing taffy, [to the camera] and it's not who you think!

[Scene: Later, in Wikipedia's garage, Wikipedia has gathered Lolly, Hattie, and Claws Pinchy and his gang.]

Wikipedia: At first, I suspected Claws Pinchy 'cause of his leather jacket and poor academic performance. But then, I found this clue!

[He takes a claw out of the taffy.]

Wikipedia: And that's when my prejudices were confirmed.

Claws: That could be anyone's claw.

Wikipedia: Show me your claw.

Claws: You mean this claw?

Wikipedia: No, the other claw.

Claws: Drat!

Tough guy 1: But, boss, ain't you got an alibi?

Claws: Uh, yeah, I was, I-I-I-I-I-I was building a snowman on the, on the surface of the Sun… w-with my girlfriend.

Wikipedia: The girlfriend part doesn't ring true! Arrest him, Lolly!

Lolly: I can't arrest him. I'm just a kid. The best I can do is punch him.

[The door opens, and Wikipedia's father, who looks like URL, enters.]

Mr. Brown: Now hold on, little lady. Let me arrest him. I'm Wikipedia's father, and also the Chief of Police.

[Mr. Brown cuffs Claws' clawless wrist, and it falls off.]

Lolly: Can I still punch him?

Mr. Brown: If you don't, I will.

[Lolly punches him.]

[Scene: The Browns' kitchen. Wikipedia's mother, who looks like Petunia, is cooking something.]

Wikipedia: What's for dinner, Mom?

Mrs. Brown: Boiled TV dinner.

Wikipedia: Yum.

Mrs. Brown: How was work today, Copper? I mean, dear?

Mr. Brown: Smooth, baby. I sent three perps to the electric chair. Two murderers and one unlicensed hotdog vendor.

Wikipedia: Neat!

Mr. Brown: But there was one crime I just couldn't solve.

Wikipedia: Why not?

Mr. Brown: ‘Cause I just didn't give a damn.

Wikipedia: Maybe I could solve it and save the day. Tell me about the clues.

Mr. Brown: Here's what we know.

[Flashback.]

Mr. Brown: [voiceover] We've had a series of complaints from unsuspecting townspeople.

Professor McDumface: I'll be complaining about this.




Mr. Brown: [voiceover] They open their doors, only to observe the most shocking sight imaginable.

Mrs. Astor: [gasps, faints]

Mr. Brown: A flaming bag of dog doo.

Malfunctioning Eddie: [screams, explodes]

Mr. Brown: It's like these bags are appearin' out of nowhere, ya dig?

Wikipedia: I'm gonna figure out where the flaming poo came from. Anything can be solved if ya find the clues.

[The doorbell rings.]

Wikipedia: I'll get it!

[While Mr. and Mrs. Brown continue eating, we hear Wikipedia offscreen answering the door. He then kicks something.]

Wikipedia: Found one!

[Scene: Hattie's house. Wikipedia is interrogating her.]

Wikipedia: Where were you Friday at 2:00 p.m.?

Hattie: In your garage talkin' to you, you idjit!

Wikipedia: That checks out.

[Scene: Tough Guy 1's house.]

Tough guy 1: Alls I know is, I was loiterin' in an alley with the other local toughs, smokin' a lollipop.

[He takes the lollipop out of his mouth and pretends to blow smoke.]

[Scene: The Professor's house.]

Wikipedia: I'm a kid with a magnifying glass. Got any clues I can magnify?

Professor: Indeed. I saved the slipper I used to stomp the doo. [He lifts his slipper up.]

Wikipedia: Ugh! What else you got?

[Scene: Wikipedia's house. Once again, Wikipedia has gathered all the suspects.]

Wikipedia: Case closed, folks! I pretended to look for clues, but we all know it was Claws Pinchy!

[Whip pan to an empty chair.]

Mr. Brown: I'm afraid he's got the ultimate alibi, son. He went to the chair for that taffy caper.

[Mr. Brown pins a photo of Claws on the chair to the board.]

Mrs. Brown: That's the way to go, sittin' down.

Wikipedia: What a strange case. I've never found so many clues before.

[Dramatic pan on the evidence board as Wikipedia examines it.]

Mr. Brown: Ah, yeah. That's some mass-murderer level stuff.

Lolly: So, did you solve the mystery?

Wikipedia: I… I… [in tears] No! It all adds up to nothing! I thought I could solve anything, but we will never, ever know where the flaming doo-doo came from!

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I know where it came from.

Lolly: Neil deGrasse Tyson?

Tyson: May I borrow your magnifying glass?

Wikipedia: Hell no! I don't know you! I'm not lendin' you my magnifyin' glass!

Tyson: That's okay. I brought an electron microscope.

[He puts one of the poop bags into a giant microscope and turns on the projection.]

Tyson: Take a closer look at this soiled bag from your wall of clues.

Wikipedia: No, thanks.

Tyson: I said, "look." What's it made of?

Wikipedia: Paper?

Lolly: Poop?

Mr. Brown: A combination thereof?

Tyson: t's made entirely of matter, and that's the clue I needed to solve the mystery.

Professor: But how did it end up on my doorstep?

Lolly: Yeah, where'd it come from?

Tyson: You see, approximately 13.8 billion years ago, all matter was created in the Big Bang. So that's where it came from. The Big Bang.

Wikipedia: Of course! It was so obvious!

All: Oh!

Wikipedia: But wait a minute. Where were you when the Big Bang happened?

Tyson: Me? I… [stammers]

Wikipedia: It was the Big Bang guy! Get him!

Tyson: Gotta go!

[He flees the scene.]

[Scene: Burton closes the book and the doorbell rings.]

Burton: Hang on, let me get the door.

[He throws the book in the fireplace and answers the door.]

Burton: Neil deGrasse Tyson?

Tyson: Yeah, yeah. Listen, you got a place I can hide where no one ever goes?

Burton: Sure, right over here.

[He points Tyson to the Science section of the liberry.]

Burton: Well, that's all for today, kids. And remember, in space, no one can hear you read.

[He closes the door of the liberry, which folds into a giant book.]

[Closing Credits.]

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