Transcript:The Prisoner of Benda
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|The Prisoner of Benda|
|Written by||Ken Keeler|
|Transcribed by||Teyrn of Highever|
Linda: Tonight, at 11:00.
- [Opening Credits: What happens in Cygnus X-1 Stays in Cygnus X-1.]
Leela: Boy, that thing's big. Fry, is my colossal eye too big?
- [The rest of the crew is watching TV.]
Fry: No, it's what makes you you.
Leela: But it's so round, so hideously round.
Fry: Leela, listen. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
Leela: Oh. So you only care about my looks?
Fry: No, I.... What?
Nikolai: [on TV.] I'm just a humble emperor, with a big, big crown!
Bender: [He turns off the TV.] Of course I'm not planning to steal that crown!
Bender: True. I've always dreamt of being an emperor. You know, for Halloween, and then forever. But heisting those jewels would be difficult.
Leela: You'd be stupid to try.
Bender: I'll need accomplices. A sexy vamp to distract and tie up the guard.
Amy: Never! [She walks away.]
Bender: A claw man to slip past the metal detector and cut the alarm wires.
Bender: And finally, a chump, to be caught on video and later arrested.
Fry: As I told you on Sucker-Punch Day, I'm through being a chump.
Bender: Of course, it would all require split-second robotic timing. That's were I come in. You see, I own a watch. [He pulls out a pocket watch.]
Farnsworth: There. This time I'm sure I've fixed the mind-switcher.
Amy: Good, I'm sick of cleaning up those heaps of dead monkeys. But why would you want your mind in a new body?
Farnsworth: Well, as a man enters his 18th decade, he thinks back on the mistakes he's made in life.
Amy: Like the heaps of dead monkeys?
Farnsworth: Science cannot move forward without heaps! No, what I regret is the youth I wasted playing it safe.
Amy: I wasted my youth porking out.
Farnsworth: Yes, I remember. [He points to a picture of a fat Amy, captioned "2997 Employee of the Year".]
Amy: Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry.
Farnsworth: Funny, I could use a little extra meat on my bones. [He moves his coat and shows that he is just skin and bones.] Wait a second, if we switch bodies, I could live life to the extreme, and you could indulge your demonic food lust.
Amy: [She gasps.] We are just the people this mind-switcher was made for by us! [They sit in the chairs.] Wait, can I still change my mind?
Farnsworth: Let's find out. [He pushes a button.]
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] It didn't work you doddering old [She gasps.]
Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Ah! Cartilage! Dude, I bid you a fond cowabunga! I'm off to laugh at the Reaper. [He shuffles off. Cut to a mountain where he is party boarding.] Look out, world, here I... [He hits a rock face and snow falls on him. Cut to Planet Express. Amy is eating Bologna substitute from a squeeze bottle.] I'm sorry, Amy, but your body is not up to the task. Also, I don't care for these boobs flapping every which way. Now quit your bologna-gargling and let's switch back to our original bodies.
Bender: Body switcher, eh? Mayhap the heist is back on. Who needs accomplices, if I can just use their bodies.
- [Amy and the Professor sit in the machine. The Professor presses the button but the machine starts beeping. He presses multiple times.]
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Professor, what's not happening?
Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Bad news, me. [He presses a button and a diagram of their brains comes up.] I failed to take into account the cerebral immune response.
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] You idiot!
Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Once two bodies have switched minds, they can never switch back. [A dramatic cord plays as Amy covers her mouth.] However, perhaps they can. Maybe we can swap back using a third body for temporary storage space.
Bender: I'm 60% storage space. [He bangs his chassis.]
Farnsworth: [in Amy’s body.] Eh, wha? [He and Bender sit in the machine and switch bodies.]
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Well, I'm off to the royal yacht for a quick seduce-and-snatch. [He takes the pocket watch out of the Professor's chest cabinet.]
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] See ya!
Farnsworth [in Bender’s body.]: Now then, Amy, we'll simply switch bodies, and then we'll... we'll... No, I'd be back in my body, but then you and Bender would be switched. And the Amy and Bender bodies can't trade minds again, since they just did.
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Oh no! Is it possible to get everyone back to normal using four or more bodies?
Farnsworth [in Bender’s body.]’’: I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH.
- [Scene: NNY. Harbor. Bender is swimming to Nikolai's yacht.]
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Stupid, air-needing lungs. [He climbs onto the boat. He gasps.] The crown jewels. Now I just have to locate the guard and seduce him in... [He checks the watch.] Four seconds?
Basil: Who goes there?
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] [Counting down.] Three, two, one. Hello, big boy. [He comes out, imitating porn music and dancing.]
Basil: Silence! I am Basil, the emperor's cousin and chief of his royal guard. And I shall not be seduced by a... [He gets punched and falls down.]
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] I said, "Wow chica wow wow".
- [Scene: Planet Express. Amy, in Farnsworth’s body, is eating ribs. She throws the bone away and mutters in Cantonese.]
Leela: Professor, what's the matter.
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] I'm Amy. The Professor and I switched bodies.
Leela: Oh, lord.
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] All I wanted was to gorge myself a little, but I can't digest anything with these false teeth and this hit-or-miss colon.
Amy: [in Farnsworth’s body.] If you want to save $2, we could switch bodies.
Leela: We could always switch back, right? [Amy grins.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, Lounge. Amy, in Leela's body, is deep-frying something.]
Fry: Hey, Leela. Mmm. What smells saturated?
Amy: [in Leela’s body.] Deep-fried ice cream sandwich wrapped in frosting and lightly baconed.
Fry: Woah. That sounds like something Amy would say and eat.
Amy: [in Leela’s body.] I am Amy. Leela and I used the Professor's mind-switching machine. [She puts ketchup on her "creation".
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Not exactly. [Fry makes a revolted sound.] Aha! You do only like me for my body.
Fry: That is entirely not true, sir!
- [Scene: Nikolai's yacht. Bender has Basil tied up.]
Bender: [in Amy's body.] Now to go switch bodies with Zoidberg, sneak past the metal detector and clip the alarm wires, all in less than... [He checks the watch.] Ten minutes ago! Oh! [He throws the watch through the metal detector, setting it off. Alarms sound and lights focus on him. Nikolai walks up behind him and cocks a gun.] Uh, could you come back when my chump gets here?
- [Time Lapse. Basil is free and removing the last of the binding.]
Nikolai: Now then, what is a filthy human doing aboard my royal yacht?
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] With all due respect, Your Majesty, I'm a robot like you. I just switch bodies with some bimbo. Go ahead, ask me something only a robot would know.
Nikolai: Ah, a reverse Turing test, eh? Very good. What is the square root of nine?
Basil: He steps forwards but moves backwards.
Nikolai: By the gods! he is a machine!
- [Scene: Planet Express, the Professor's lab.]
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] No, that won't restore everyone, either. Besides, I don't want my decrepit old body back! I'm running away with this invincible robot body and joining something!
- [Scene: Circus Roboticus. Inside a tent.]
Fishy Joe: I paid for 15 Robot Clowns per cubic meter of car, and you're barely giving me 12. Now crumple up and get in... And fasten your seat belts.
Robot Clown: Oh, come on!
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] Good day. I am Nonchalanto, the robot daredevil. And my dream is to risk my life in strange and original ways.
Fishy Joe: Hmm. You don't look so foolhardy to me.
- [The Professor takes the 5 of spades and puts it in his mouth. He unscrews his head and puts in on a lever. He jumps on to the opposing end, launching his head into the air. He takes an out automatic rifle and shoots at his head. His head lands in his neck and he shows Fishy the card. He shot through each of the spades.]
Fishy Joe: That's the dumbest thing anybody's ever done. Your hired! [A robot trapeze artist falls to the ground.]
- [Scene: Nikolai's yacht. Bender and Nikolai are talking.]
Nikolai: So you’re a common bending robot with a human peasant roommate?
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Oh, crap, that is what I am!
Nikolai: No, Bender, I envy you. I'm so bored with all of these pretentious trappings. The jewels, the parties, the beautiful robo women.
Princess Flavia: Hello.
- [Bender's jaw drops.]
Flavia: How tedious. [She walks off.]
Nikolai: Oh, to escape this gilded cage for a day.
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] You know, we could trade bodies. I could take over the humdrum royal stuff and you could be an regular Joe for a day. [He stares at the crown.] Or more. Much more.
Nikolai: In that horrible non-robot body. Sir, I have my standards.
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Ah, but what if I could put you in my fabulous bending-robot body?
Nikolai: [He giggles.] Me, posing as a lowly bending unit? How wicked! But wait, I'm supposed to give a speech at the UN tomorrow. Can I trust you to do it?
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] You can trust anything.
- [Scene: Planet Express, hangar.]
Fry: So now Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I'm not attracted to her in the Professor's body.
Hermes: You aren't, are you?
Fry: Of course not! But I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?
Hermes: A man can give her a toke of her own medicine.
Fry: Yes! I can put my mind in a hideous body and show Leela she's not attracted to me. But it would have to be a really, really disgusting body.
Zoidberg: Friends! Friends! I've got barnacles on my tuchus! [He shows them.]
Hermes: The long search is over.
- [Scene: Outside Planet Express.]
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Wait here and earn interest while I find my robot body.
- [Scene: Planet Express, lounge. Leela, in Farnsworth’s body, is reading Great American Gerbils. Scruffy and the wash bucket are mopping the floor.]
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Professor?
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Leela. Amy?
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] Bender. Have you seen my body? I think the Professor's in it.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Yeah, he said something about running away. Then he ran away.
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] What? Wither?
- [Scene: Circus Roboticus. Farnsworth in Bender’s body is attempting to land on a target carried by the Robot Clowns. They attempt to get under him but he lands in the audience. The audience cheers.]
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] What am I gonna do? I got an emperor all patsied up to switch bodies, but only with another robot!
Wash bucket: Wash bucket full.
Scruffy: Scruffy's work here is done. [He props up the mop and goes to the couch. He lies down and starts reading Extra-Long Honkers.]
Bender: [in Amy’s body.] [He looks at the wash bucket calculatingly. Cut to the Professor's lab where he and the wash bucket switch bodies.]
Bender: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Now to find Emperor Von Richendoof.
Wash bucket: [in Amy’s body.] Now to find Scruffy. [She walks past Fry and Zoidberg.]
Zoidberg: Switch bodies? I don't see why not. I also don't see why. [He and Fry switch bodies.]
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] In your face, Leela. [He walks out, past Nikolai and Bender wash bucket’s body.]
Nikolai: If you're a bender, why is your body full of fetid water?
Bender: [in the wash bucket’s body.] If you're an emperor, why don't you shut up? Move it, Fry. [He pushes Zoidberg out of his seat and switches with Nikolai.]
Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Well, so long.
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Wait! Point me to my normal human roommate!
Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] That's him there, maybe. [He points to Zoidberg.] Got to go!
Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Robot?
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Yes, 'tis I, Bender. Do you not recognize your own best friend?
Zoidberg: [in Fry’s body.] Aha! The guy in this body has a friend! Bender, old pal! It's me, the Fry! [He hugs Nikolai.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, meeting room. Leela, in the Professor's body, is talking on the phone.]
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] But then Nicolas Cage discovered that the real treasure was his family. Yes, I'll hold.
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Hey, Leela, look! I'm in Zoidberg.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] [She put a hand over her right eye.] Fry?
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Oh, you're not so shallow that you find me repulsive because of my body, are you? [He makes tentacles come out his armpits.]
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] [She gags.] Not at all. [The door opens. Amy has made Leela's body overweight. She unwraps some butter and eats it.] Amy, stop it! Fry, help! She's turning me into a parade float!
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Eww! look at her! [Amy leave the room.]
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Oh. So you're so shallow that my body disgusts you if it puts on a little extra weight?
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] That wasn't a little extra weight.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Admit it! You don't care about the inner me at all!
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] No, you admit it! You'd be ashamed to be seen in public with someone as hideous as me!
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Would not!
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Oh, yeah? Then I challenge you to a romantic dinner at Elzar's tonight.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] It's on.
- [Scene: Planet Express, lounge. Amy is still eating butter.]
Amy: [in Leela’s body.] I don't know what to do. Do you think I should eat more butter?
Hermes: I am putting a stop to this, right now! Come on! We're switching bodies.
Amy: [in Leela’s body.] Hermes, no! I'll ruin your body, too!
Hermes: Three decades of the munchies beat you to it.
- [Scene: Circus Roboticus. A poster is advertising Nonchalanto. A robot turns on a chainsaw and eats it. The Professor eats a lit bomb.]
Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Big Bertha is the circus's grande dame. She shoots robots through the air.
Bertha: [She belches and shoots a robot into the air.] Excuse me. Too much goulash.
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] I've always wanted to be shot out of something. How about a quick blast after lunch.
Bertha: Alas, a fine big one like you would shatter my barrel. But, ah, to amaze the crowd once more.
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] I understand the problem of age, but suppose I could put you into a new body?
Bertha: Never! My body may be old, but it is mine, and every crack a memory of heavy things shot a long way. Good day.[She rolls away.]
- [Scene: Nikolai's yacht. Bender, in Nikolai's body pours a glass of jewels and drinks.]
Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Ah! I have everything I every wanted. Money, wealth, riches. Yet something's missing. A hot princess with which to get(?) grizzly.
Flavia: [She walks in front of Bender.] Hello.
Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Hello, baby! [She pulls out a gun.] Huh? Hey, what's going on here? And why are you kissing my dashing cousin instead of me?
Flavia: Nikolai, you imperial fool! We've been having an affair for 700 years.
Basil: At long last, I shall kill you, blame the burglar and inherit the throne. [He pulls out a sword. Bender spits the jewels out.]
Flavia: Farewell, Nikolai.
Bender: [in Nikolai’s body.] Wait! I'm not Nikolai! I'm Bender, the fabulous body-switching burglar. [He moonwalks.]
Basil: So you are. However, you do have Nikolai's body, and that's the part we want to kill. [He turns on the sword. It works like a chain saw. Basil forces Bender to back up and fall overboard.]
- [Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Leela, in the Professor's body, and Fry, in Zoidberg's body, are having their date.]
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Great food, huh? [He burps out of his gills. The rest of the restaurant groans in disgust.]
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Ew!
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] I'm sorry, Leela. I hope that didn't make you ashamed to be seen with me.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] No, it only makes you more attractive. [She spits her dentures into her wine glass. Everyone watching groans again.]
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Ew!
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] You mean, like my penis? [Fry gags and a worm comes out of his mouth.] Eh!
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Admit it! You're disgusted by me!
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] No, you're disgusted by me!
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] I'm as attracted to you as I've ever been!
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Prove it! [They start making out while the other restaurant goers scream. Pan over to Amy, in Hermes' body, watching them. The ice cream she is about to eat falls onto the table.]
- [Scene: Robot Arms Apartments.]
Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] Well, Bender, here's our apartment that we live in everyday. [He opens the door and looks inside.] A floor? We live like kings?
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] Kings? Silence! Like you, I'm a common lout. Now fetch me some working-class cognac from our brandy storeroom that you know how to find.
Zoidberg: [in Fry's body.] [He starts looking in the dishwasher, which he breaks and rips off the wall. Nikolai screams as the kitchen starts to flood.] Relax, Bender. I'll dry up that leak with this heating box. [He rips the oven off the wall and places it where the dishwasher was. Gas starts leaking.]
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] [Finding cigars in a cabinet.] Ah, cigars. Light me up, old friend. [Zoidberg pulls out a lighter. Cut to outside where a fireball shoots out of the building. Bender, in Nikolai's body, runs past. Basil and Flavia are chasing him. Two robots walk in front of Bender.]
Robot: There you are, Emperor Nikolai. It's time for your speech to the UN.
Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] The what now? [Laser blasts hit the robots. Bender screams and runs away.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. Scruffy is reading Janitor's Quarterly. Someone walks into to his room.]
Scruffy: Miss Wong?
Wash bucket: [in Amy’s body.] No, Scruffy, I am wash bucket. I love you. Wash bucket has always loved you. [They kiss but Scruffy pulls away.]
Scruffy: It's wrong, wash bucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while, but in the back of our minds, we'd know that I'm a man and you're janitorial equipment.
Wash bucket: [in Amy’s body.] In another city, we could be anyone we want!
Scruffy: Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay.
- [She leaves. Scruffy lays down on his bed, sobbing for a second.]
- [Scene: UN building. Nixon is addressing the delegates.]
Nixon: Please welcome an insane dictator, and one heck of a bowler, Emperor Nikolai!
Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] [He runs on stage.] Thanks, Nixon. How we doing?
Woman: I love you, Your Majesty.
Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Shut up, madam ambassador, I know it. Anyhow, [He clears his throat.] I'd now like to digress from my prepared remarks to say, "I'm done". [The ambassadors cheer.]
Basil: [He jumps onto the stage and holds Bender at sword-point.] Ladies and gentlemen, this robot is an impostor! [The ambassadors all gasp. The Chinese ambassador puts his hand to his translator and listens. After a moment, he gasps. Basil turns on his sword.] I shall enjoy this.
Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Not me.
- [Scene: Circus Roboticus. Everyone is watching what is happening in the UN building on a TV Robot]
Chainsaw-Eating Robot: That devil, Basil, will kill our emperor.
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] You're Robo-Hungarian?
Robot Carny: Yes. Our nation's chief export is carnies.
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] If only there was some way I could get to the UN to help.
Bertha: There is. Get in, Nonchalanto.
Chainsaw-Eating Robot: Bertha, no! It would kill you!
Bertha: I have not so much time left anyhow.
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] But you could get a new body! You could have a rich, full life!
Bertha: I am trying to have a rich, full life. [The Chainsaw-Eating Robot lights the fuse.] Long live Robo-Hungary! [The impact breaks Bertha's barrel. She groans and is caught by the Chainsaw-Eating Robot.]
- [The Professor is shot through the air, across the city, and lands in the UN building.]
Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Me! Thank God you've come!
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] [He pulls out his own sword.] This is for Big Bertha. [He missed and gets the sword stuck in a podium.] That is not what I meant to give you for Big Bertha.
- [Scene: Leela's Apartment. Leela and Fry are in bed.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] That was nice.
Fry: [in Zoidberg’s body.] Oh, yeah. [Leela turns on the TV and sees what is happening in the UN. They both gasp. Fry's crest pops up.]
- [Scene: UN building. The Professor and Basil are still dueling. The Professor gets his foot caught in Nixon's jar.]
Nixon: Ow. Ow. Arrooo! [He gets thrown off-stage and his jar shatters.]
- [Basil disarms the Professor. The Professor's sword flies off and cleaves the Chinese ambassador's arm off. The ambassador puts his hand to his translator and listens. After a moment, he gasps.]
Basil: Whoever you are, you're the bravest robot I've ever seen. [He trips the Professor.] I like killing brave things.
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] Good, because I've got 20 of them per cubic meter. [He opens his chest cabinet and the carnies fly out and mow down Basil.]
Boy: When I grow up, I wanna be a diplomat!
- [Scene: Planet Express. Leela's body is back to normal.]
Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Well, if they're is one thing I learned, it's a lesson. I believe this belongs to you. [He reaches into his chest cabinet and takes out a phony crown. He puts it on Nikolai's head.]
Nikolai: [in the wash bucket’s body.] I shall sell it to help the common folk, now that I understand their misery.
Bender: [in Nikolai's body.] Yeah, good luck with that.
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] I must say, Hermes, you've got a smoking-hot body.
Hermes: [in Leela’s body.] I was inspired by Amy. [Hermes' body has lost most of its fat.]
Leela: [in Farnsworth’s body.] Wow! How did you do it.
Amy: [in Hermes’s body.] Well, there I was at Elzar's, eating a nice pork sundae and suddenly, I just lost my appetite. [Leela strokes Fry's mouth flaps.] Forever.
Sweet Clyde: [He is working on an equation.] Q to the E to the D!
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] So it is possible us all to get back to our original bodies?
Bubblegum: Stone-cold munching, Prof. Sweet Clyde, characterize your inversion theorem.
Sweet Clyde: Basically, no matter how permuted-up your minds are, they can be restored using, at most, two extra players. [He and Bubblegum high-five.]
Farnsworth: [in Bender’s body.] And they say pure math has no real-world applications!
- [A montage occurs where everyone is restored back to their original bodies.]
Sweet Clyde: Everybody back in their zones? [The crew gives various affirmations.]
Farnsworth: Ah! My body may be old, but it is mine. Brilliant work, Clyde. You'll win the NBA’s highest academic honor for this.
Nikolai: Also, I'm making you a duke. [He pins a medal to Clyde jersey.] So long filthy commoners.
Bender: ¡Adiós! And I'm left with the real jewels safely inside... [He checks his chest cabinet.] ...his compartment!
- [Closing Credits.]
Bender: [Over credits.] All right. I'll need accomplices.
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