Transcript:The Temp

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Transcript for
The Temp
Written by	David A. Goodman
Transcribed by	Jasonbres

[Scene: Space. The Planet Express ship flies toward Omicron Persei 8. During the narration, we cut to a wedding cake with figures of Lrrr and Ndnd on top.]

Leela: Captain's diary. Stardate: Lrrr and Ndnd's 63rd anniversary. Planet Express has been hired to cater a vow renewal ceremony on Omicron Persei 8.

[Scene: On board the ship.]

Leela: Not what I thought I'd be doing at this age. Mr. Professor, fuel status.

Farnsworth: If I'm reading this correctly, we're underwater.

Leela: You're not reading it correctly. Mr. Bender, wedding cake read out?

Bender: Frosting at maximum cream-cheesiness. All systems tasty.

Leela: Medical Officer Zoidberg, are you reaching for the cake?

Zoidberg: Affirmative, Captain. [Hermes takes his fork and bangs him on the head with it.] Ow!

Hermes: Stick to fish flakes, ya overgrown sea monkey!

Leela: All parameters nominal, but stay sharp, crew. I don't know why, but I have a feeling something's not quite right.

[A hand that doesn't resemble Fry but wearing Fry's jacket puts its hand on Leela's shoulder. pull out to reveal that it is definitely not Fry.]

The Temp: Everything's fine, Leela. We're the best delivery/catering service in the galaxy. Right, team?

Bender: You got that right.

Zoidberg: Hurray!

Hermes: Booyah!

Amy: All right!

Farnsworth: Damn straight.

Leela: Aw, thanks. You always know how to make me feel better… Fry.

The Temp: That's what I'm here for, honey.

[Opening Credits. Caption: *Product sold by weight, not quality.]

[Scene: Lrrr's castle. The Planet Express ship pulls in. Cut to the reception. The crew are working as caterers. Several Omicronians are mingling. About is a banner reading "'Til Death Do We Impart: Lrrr & Ndnd". Cut to Bender at the cake. He puts the bride and groom figurines closer together, but then sticks a figurine of himself between them.]

Omicronian Female 1: Is that crab Rangoon?

Hermes: No, he's Dr. Zoidberg.

The Temp: [to Lrrr] Congratulations, sir. May I offer you some sparkling victim juice?

[Lrrr takes all of the glasses on the tray and downs them.]

Lrrr: [taking off his cape, revealing a black tie cape] Here, place my lead-lined overcape in the Closet of Heavy Things.

[He drops the cape on top of the Temp.]

The Temp: [groans] I love my job.

[Cut to the vow renewal ceremony. Two drummers play the Bridal March on timpani.]

Priest: Belligerent reptiles, we are gathered here under the watchful eye of Jvvv, God of the Omicronians…

Jvvv: Hey there.

Priest: …to bear witness as Lrrr and Ndnd renew their wedding vows, expressing their most personal feelings.

Lrrr: Wrong! Ndnd got them from an inspirational placemat.

Ndnd: It was a quality placemat!

Lrrr: [clears throat, reading cards] "Ndnd, you look just as you did the night I met you on the hairy hills of B'dnkdnk. Your dress covered in the blood of three B'dnkian warriors."

Ndnd: [reading cards] "You took me in your arms and ate the morsel of B'dnkian entrail lodged in my cleavage."

Lrrr: It was delicious. [to Amy] Hey, you got any B'dnkian entrail on that tray?

Amy: No, but we have lettuce-wrapped cucumbers, which are even grosser.

Ndnd: [slaps Lrrr] Can you stop eating for one second?

Lrrr: If you want me to not eat, then you shoulda done the cooking!

Bender: Oh, snap.

Priest: Having completed the sacred vows, the groom will now crush the skull of his father-in-law, if it please the Lord?

Jvvv: Yeah, I love that kind of stuff.

["Hava Nagila" plays as the priest wraps the skull in a towel and Lrrr smashes it.]

Older Omicronian: [holding a molotov cocktail] Molotov!

[He throws the cocktail at the wreath on the altar, burning it. The wedding guests cheer.]

Priest: Now, kiss the bride and come out fighting.

[Lrrr and Ndnd kiss.]

[Scene: Later. A wrestling bell dings and the renewed married couple go at it with weapons while the Planet Express crew holds them on chairs.]

Lrrr: Why do I have to use the hook? I hate the hook.

Ndnd: You managed to capture me with it at our first wedding.

Lrrr: You weren't the intended target

Omicronian Female 2: Oh, I just love it when they dance the horta. [to horta] Care to join me?

[The horta merely slinks away, leaving behind a message in the floor: "No dance I".]

[Scene: A little later at the reception. Lrrr now has bandages on his head, and Ndnd has her arm in a sling. The best man taps the microphone, which gives feedback]

Best man: As best man, I'd like to say a few words about my dear friend, Lrrr.

Ndnd: Keep it clean. My father's crushed skull is here.

Best man: Intelligent, loyal, brave. A great leader. But enough about me.

[The wedding guests laugh]

Lrrr: Stick to the script. [He vaporizes the best man with his disintegration ray.]

Priest: And now, for the tossing of the bouquet.

[Leela walks up to the front of the crowd.]

Omicronian Female 2: Uh, nobody invited the help.

Leela: Nobody invited me to kick your ass either. Yet here we are. Hi-yah!

[She kicks the guest to the ground.]

Ndnd: Flowers in the hole!

[Ndnd loads the bouquet into a cannon fired by the priest. The bouquet explodes and ends up in the skull of the guest Leela kicked earlier.]

Omicronian Female 2: The glory is mine! [faints]

[Bender takes out a slice of cake and gives it to the renewed couple. They take a bit of the cake and smoosh it on each other lovingly and lick each other.]

Farnsworth: Now, this part, I don't like.

[Scene: Earth. The Planet Express ship goes back into its hangar.]

[Scene: The Planet Express hangar. The crew unloads the dirty dishes.]

Bender: I wonder what I should bake next. Hey, Fry, you ever wanted to be in a pie?

The Temp: Anything for you, buddy! Point me to the crust and I'll be there!

[The Temp puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, between the Petri dishwasher and the satellite dishwasher.]

The Temp: Ah. That takes care of the dishes. You want me to get started on the floors, Hermes? Or should I scrub down Dr. Zoidberg?

Zoidberg: Scrub-a-dub-dub!

Hermes: How are you so energetic?

The Temp: Oh, I'll never get tired of this job. [washes Zoidberg with the mop] I have the best life ever.

Zoidberg: That's our Fry.

Farnsworth: It sure is. It most definitely is.

[Ominous close-up on the Temp.]

[Flashback: 23 years ago, as indicated by the caption.]

Don Cunningham: 23 years earlier, the crew was recuperating from a grueling mission to planet Amazonia, where Fry had sustained extensive snu-snu-related injuries.




[Scene: Dr. Zoidberg's office. Fry's pelvis is still bandaged and he is seated on the table. Zoidberg takes care of him as Farnsworth and Hermes watch.]

Fry: [sighs] What a relief to be back on Earth where nobody wants to have snu-snu with me. My pelvis and I could really use a vacation. Any chance I can get some time off, Professor?

Farnsworth: I'm not sure. How will we stay in business without our ace delivery boy?

Hermes: Extremely easily.

[Cut to Fry wearing his vacation outfit packing his stuff into a hover-taxi.]

Fry: See you in two weeks.

Farnsworth: Enjoy Amazonia.

[Fry gets into the hover-taxi, which floats away.]

Farnsworth: Come on, let's get a temp dimwit to replace our permanent one.

[Scene: B-Minus Temp Agency. Cut to inside. Hermes and Farnsworth are waiting at a desk for a few seconds. Hermes rings the bell.]

H.G. Blob: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I don't know what happened to our office manager, Evans.

Hermes: Is that him?

[Pan down to reveal a skeleton of a business man in his innards.]

H.G. Blob: Maybe. How can I help you?

Hermes: One of our workers is on vacation. So, we'll need to hire a temp.

[Blob turns on the machine behind him, which resembles a dry-cleaning rack filled with several humans in bags.]

H.G. Blob: We've got whatever you need. Secretary, jockey, lion tamer, bowling shoe spray technician. What exactly are you looking for?

Hermes: Well, let's see. It's a thankless job. He'll never be thanked.

H.G. Blob: Any skills?

Farnsworth: Absolutely not. I'll need to berate him for being incompetent.

H.G. Blob: Then I've got just the schlep for you.

[Blob turns the machine on until it stops at a man resembling the Temp from earlier with the label "Frank" affixed to him. He takes him out of his packaging.]

H.G. Blob: Frank, you're going to be working at Planet Express for two weeks.

The Temp: Lucky me. Let's just get it over with.

Farnsworth: Perfect. He sounds very berateable.

[Scene: Planet Express building. Cut to the conference room. Hermes enters holding a tablet, leading the Temp inside.]

Hermes: I'll introduce you to the group. Uh, what was your name again?

The Temp: Frank.

Hermes: Everyone, please welcome our new temp. This is…

The Temp: Frank.

Amy: Hi, Frank. Tell us about yourself.

The Temp: I have no characteristics, and people forget me as soon as I leave the room. And, sometimes, before that.

Amy: Pfft. That's ridiculous. Um…

The Temp: Frank. [walking off] Is this my cubicle?

Leela: No, that's an empty space between three stacks of boxes.

The Temp: Well, I guess I'll stand in there.

Leela: Come out, please. You're gonna be traveling around, delivering things.

The Temp: Yeah, right.

Leela: Right.

The Temp: Wait, seriously? Traveling? I've never been anywhere before.

Leela: Why not? There's a tube station that'll take you to Paris for five cents.

The Temp: I don't have time for that. Temping is a full-time job.

[Montage: The Planet Express ship makes various deliveries with the Temp. They deliver a baby to a stork planet. Bender delivers an award to Calculon. The Temp delivers a countertop counterfeit printer to the Robot Mafia. Later, the Temp is vacuuming the living room, then microwaves the vacuum bag like popcorn and joins Zoidberg in watching an old Harold Zoid film.]

[Scene: The Planet Express building. The Temp is happily whistling carrying a bouquet of flowers. He walks into the conference room and sets the vase on the table.]




Amy: Those are beautiful. Thanks a lot, uh, I want to say, Dave.

The Temp: Frank. I'm the temp. I've been here two weeks, the best two weeks of my life.

[The microwave dings.]

The Temp: That's the frittata. I hope you're all hungry.

Leela: Ugh, he's so enthusiastic. I can't stand his toxic positivity.

Zoidberg: He likes everyone, even me. It's pathetic.

Leela: Well, he's no Fry. But at least Fry will be back tomorrow.

The Temp: [serving frittatas] Wow. Fry's not even here, and you remember his name? He must be quite a guy.

Leela: Sorry. That was rude. You've done a good job, uh… you. And since it's your last day, let's make it a good one. Right, gang?

Farnsworth: Sure.

Hermes: Why not?

Bender: Who the hell is he?

[Scene: New New York Public Liberry. (Not a spelling error.} A banner on the building reads "Come for the bathrooms, stay for the AC". The Planet Express ship pulls up. Cut to inside. The crew walks through the rather desolate looking liberry. An owl hoots. They approach Dr. Beeler, the libarian, playing solitaire on his computer.]

Beeler: Hello. Welcome to the liberry.

Leela: You called for a dump job?

Beeler: Oh, yes. We had a water main break, and it damaged some of the books. And by some, I mean all 2.6 million.

Farnsworth: You're throwing out all the liberry books?

Beeler: Look, nobody's checked a book out since 2029. [holds up book] It was this one.

Amy: [reading title] "A Novelization of the TikTok Video, ‘Peanut Butter-Eating Dog Lip Syncs to Olivia Rodrigo". Ooh, I'd watch that.

Beeler: It's a book. You'd read it.

Amy: [scoffs] No, I wouldn't. [drops the book on the desk]

[Scene: Space. The Planet Express ship flies. Cut to inside the ship, which is filled with very soggy books.]

Amy: Where are we gonna dump these disgusting books? The ocean?

Farnsworth: Certainly not. It's been illegal to dump hazardous waste in the ocean for over a year now.

Hermes: We'll head for that book containment facility on Dalton-B. It's a small planet in the Barnzan Nobula.

[Scene: Dalton B. The ship lands on the planet, which is filled with discarded books. The crew exits the ship.]

Farnsworth: [grunting] Watch out for flying purple paper eaters.

[One of the bugs goes into Hermes' jacket and steals something.]

Hermes: [whimpers] My travel-sized filin' cabinet!

[Amy dumps a crate of books and some of them splat on her.]

Amy: Ew, I got book on me!

Leela: It's so weird that reading used to be a thing.

Bender: Well, that's the last of 'em. Let's get out of here before some dork says trashing books is a travesty.

[The crew exits, unaware they are leaving the Temp behind.]

The Temp: Welp, that's the last of them. Hey, guys? Guys, the ship is abandoning us! Guys? Oh.

[Scene: The hangar. The ship lands and everyone exits.]

Amy: Ugh. I'm gonna go wash the book smell out of my hair.

[Zoidberg enters licking a purple paper eater on a fly swatter like a lollipop. Fry enters.]

Fry: I'm home from my vacation. Did I miss anything?

Amy: Only a delivery to book hell. We're just lucky we made it back without reading anything.

Leela: We did all make it back, right?

Bender: Well, let's see. Here's me, Bender, and some other people. We're good.

Hermes: Five, six, seven, eight. All eight crew members present and accounted for.

Scruffy: Yep. Mmmhmm.

[Scene: Back on Dalton B.]

The Temp: I can get through this. I'm a temp, damn it. I'm sure they'll be back soon.

[Scene: 23 years later, as indicated by the caption.]

Don Cunningham: Twenty-three years later, the crew was about to depart for the wedding ceremony on Omicron Persei 8. The one you saw earlier. That one.

[Bender puts the finishing touches on his cake.]

Bender: Will you quit slacking off, Fry? I need more whipped frosting.

Fry: Sorry. I'm just kind of worn out. [he steps into the giant mixer bowl and turns on the electric beaters on his shoes and trods through the frosting] I guess work's been catchin' up to me. Sometimes, I wonder if I was cut out to be a whatever-I-am.

Hermes: You have been burning a blunt at bot' ends, mon.

Leela: After this wedding cake delivery, you should take a vacation. When's the last time you took one?

Fry: Twenty-three years ago, after that horrific snu-snu incident.

Hermes: If Fry takes a vacation, we'll have to get someone to fill in.

Leela: Why? We didn't get anyone last time.

Amy: Or did we?

Leela: Oh, right. The Temp! What's-his-name!

Bender: He had a name?

Zoidberg: Even I looked down on him.

[Everyone laughs]

Leela: He went with us on that trip to dump those old liberry books, and then… And then…

[Dramatic sting.]

Fry: What?

Farnsworth: I'm sure he's fine. We'll just swing by on the way to the wedding and pick up his corpse.

[Scene: Dalton-B. The ship lands on the surface. The crew walks around the planet.]

Amy: Yuck! This place is even grosser than I remember.

Farnsworth: I don't see him. Let's just go.

The Temp: You… You came back.

[The crew gasps as they see the Temp, now with his clothes torn, his hair grown out and having a beard.]

The Temp: I… I thought you'd forgotten about me.

Amy: Oh, no. We could never forget… Uh…

The Temp: Frank!

Amy: Oh, Frank!

Leela: Of course!

Hermes: Sounds right.

Zoidberg: It was on the tip of my tendrils.

Farnsworth: My heavens, it's been 23 years. What did you eat?

The Temp: Books. Book sandwiches, book soup, scrambled books with fly larvae.

Amy: Ew, books!

[The crew boards the ship with the temp.]

Farnsworth: The shower's through there.

Hermes: There's plenty of soap and toothpaste in Fry's cubby. He never uses them.

[The Temp looks in the mirror and holds out a red pen to shave himself like a Wooly Willy toy. He then looks in Fry's cubby at his clothes. He tries them on.]

The Temp: It's just as itchy as I dreamed it would be. [laughing evilly]

[The Temp approaches the crew.]

The Temp: Hey, coworkers. Shouldn't we be heading off to deliver that wedding cake?

Leela: Yeah. We just need to wait for Fry. He's not back yet.

The Temp: Yes, I am. I'm right here.

[The Temp's eyes begin to roll hypnotically at the crew. The crew just look at him.]

Leela: Oh, Fry. There you are.

Bender: [singing] Let's go alreadyyyyyy!

[The ship departs the planet. The real Fry crumples up a page and discards it like toilet paper.]

Fry: Finally, a use for the Bible. [sees the ship leaving] Hey, wait. Why hast thou forsaken me?

[Scene: Planet Express building. Some time after the renewal ceremony. Cut to the living room. Leela is playing solitaire on her wrist thingy. The Temp approaches her.]

The Temp: Hey, Leela. After work, you want to binge some Hungry Man streamin' dinners? There's a fresh episode of Mandarin Orange is the New Chicken.

Leela: Oh, thanks, Fry, but, uh, I'm goin' over to my parents tonight.

The Temp: Again?

Leela: Well, my grandma needs a lot of help these days. She fell and broke a few of her elbows.

The Temp: Okay, well, see you tomorrow.

[Leela leaves.]

Zoidberg: I could go for a little Fulu and chill.

The Temp: You're on!

[Scene: The Turanga household. Leela is seen eating dinner with her family. Her grandmother has her back tentacle in a cast.]

Leela: Mmm. This twice-flushed pork is delicious.

Morris: Leela, what's goin' on? You've been livin' with us for six weeks now.

Leela: I'm fine. I'm fine. There's just something that's off. I can't quite… It's not my relationship with Fry, if that's what you mean.

Morris: I didn't say… Maybe it's Bender. It could be Amy.

Munda: Is Fry upset that you've been away?

Leela: No. He's fine with it. He's fine with everything. He's so great. I sure love him. I think I'll stay another week, though. Mmm.

[Leela's grandmother attempts to eat her soup but ends up breaking another tentacle.]

Leela's grandmother: Oh! I broke another one.

[Scene: Planet Express building. Cut to the conference room.]

Hermes: First order of business. Has anybody noticed anything weird around here lately?

Leela: Yes! I was just saying to my parents that something seems off. I'm glad it's not just me.

[The Temp walks in.]

The Temp: Hey, I just picked up some four-dimensional pretzels. Have some.

[He drops some pretzels onto the table. The crew takes some, thanking "Fry".]

Farnsworth: Mmmm. Tell me, Fry. Have you noticed anything strange lately?

The Temp: No. Like what?

Hermes: For one t'ing, [pulls up a chart on the projector] these last few weeks, we've had an unexplained uptick in worker productivity.

[The Temp spritzes the table and cleans it, whistling happily.]

Hermes: While during this same period, we're using twice as much soap in the men's room.

Amy: I have noticed less body odor.

Bender: Way less.

Leela: Oh, definitely.

Farnsworth: It appears the changes started six weeks ago, right after we delivered that wedding cake.

[Leela looks on her wrist thingy.]

Leela: This is weird. According to the ship's log, we made a detour to some awful planet called Dalton-B.

Farnsworth: I don't remember that.

The Temp: Then it must not have happened. Good pretzels, right?

Hermes: Wait. Dalton-B? Isn't that where we dumped those liberry books 23 years ago?

Zoidberg: Yeah. And we had that temp with us. He didn't have a name, poor guy.

The Temp: Frank! His name was Frank!

Bender: Right. Whatever happened to him, like I care, I don't?

Leela: Something very strange took place on Dalton-B. We've got to get back there and find out what. Right, Fry?

The Temp: Uh… Um… [exclaims]

[Scene: Space. Once again, the ship flies toward Dalton-B. Cut to the planet. The crew descend onto the planet.]

Amy: Yuck! This place is even grosser than I remembered.

The Temp: And no sign of Frank. Let's just go bowling.

[The real Fry emerges, with his clothes disheveled and having grown a beard.]

Fry: Oh, thank God you're here. You're just in time to see my beard.

Farnsworth: Keep away from us, you dirty hippie! There are no “grooves” here.

The Temp: We should leave this stranger alone. He looks delusional.

Fry: But I'm Fry. Don't you recognize me?

[The Temp spins his eyeballs once again.]

Zoidberg: You're not Fry. That's Fry.

The Temp: Yes. Fryyyyyyyyyyyy….

Fry: Leela. You know who I am, right?

Leela: I do sense a familiar dopiness.

The Temp: No. No!

Leela: He… is… Fry.

Fry: No, I is Fry, and I can prove it. [takes out his wallet] Here's a photo of me and Bender.

[He shows a photo of himself doing a peace sign and Bender wearing an "I'm with stupid" shirt.]

Bender: That could be me with anyone stupid.

Fry: I have a picture with everybody. I could never forget this one. [He shows a picture of himself and Leela kissing in front of a giant monster.]

[After a while, Leela's memory begins to return.]

Leela: You… You. I remember! You are Fry. [she hugs him] Oh, Fry!

Amy: If he's Fry, then who's the guy with the spinny eyeballs?

'[The Temp's eyes stop spinning.]

The Temp: All right! All right! I'm not Fry! I'm Frank!

Hermes: Who?

Amy: Huh?

Bender: Say what?

The Temp: The temp who you stranded here for 23 long years!

Zoidberg: Time flies.

The Temp: Not here. My only companions were the two books that weren't too moldy to read. I even built them a little house. [walks up to the house and picks up one of the books] The Art of Klang Foo. I must have read this 1,000 times.

Hermes: And The Return of the King?

The Temp: That one, I didn't read. It's the third book of the trilogy, and I've never read the first two. I didn't want to spoil it, you know.

Leela: What's Klang Foo?

The Temp: An ancient mind control technique. And, oh, did I master it. [his eyeballs spin again]

Zoidberg: Cut it out.

The Temp: It was especially easy to pass myself off as Fry because nobody can remember who I really am anyway.

Fry: But why did you want to take my place?

The Temp: Because you have such a great life! I've had so, so many temp jobs. But working at Planet Express was the one time in my life I was truly happy.

Bender: Whoa. Bleak.

The Temp: I loved it there, but my plan failed. So, it's time for my backup plan.

Zoidberg: It better not involve the eye thing.

The Temp: [pulling out a gun] I'm going to abandon you all here the way you abandoned me! [he runs off]

Farnsworth: We've got to stop him. And by "we", I mean "you". [the crew runs after the Temp] I'm already in my pajamas. [takes off his lab coat] Oh, no, I'm not.

[The Temp runs onto the ship and flies it.]

Fry: No!

Bender: Don't leave us!

Amy: Stop!

[The Temp flies the ship over the crew and they duck. It becomes clear he doesn't actually know how to fly it.]

The Temp: Uh… I should have paid more attention that week I was a temp astronaut! [He screams as the ship crashes.]

[The Temp falls out of the ship and faceplants into some books. The crew approach him.]

The Temp: Time for Plan C. Kill everybody! [he shoots his laser gun at the crew]

Zoidberg: That's not a plan. You're just improvising. [exclaims]

[The crew run into the cave for cover.]

Leela: Now what?

Bender: I have an idea, but I have to warn you, it's completely brilliant.

[During this, we see a fantasy sequence play out.]

Bender: As you all know, my spice rack is located in the ship's galley, and on that rack is a jar of flaming hot, million-Scoville chili powder.

Hermes: Ooh, dat's de good stuff.

Bender: Using a light pastry shell, I'll bake the powder into a grenade to blind and disorient the enemy. Then we'll launch it usin' my party-sized soup ladle.

[The Temp screams as Bender shoots it. Cut back to the cave.]

Bender: Questions?

Leela: How are we supposed to get into the ship? What's-his-name is guarding the door.

Farnsworth: It might be possible to sneak in through the rear thrusters. Of course, we'd be exposed to some radiation.

Hermes: How much radiation?

Farnsworth: Oh, not much. Like having an affair with Marie Curie. Oh, my, yes.

[As the Temp fends off a purple paper-eater, the crew head in to the thrusters.]

Amy: We made it!




Bender: Aha! My million-Scoville chili powder!

Leela: What's that for?

Bender: I think I was gonna throw it at somebody.

Hermes: Who?

Bender: I can't remember.

Fry: Hey, why is the ship sideways?

Farnsworth: Who knows? It just falls over sometimes.

[The ship takes off, leaving What's-his-name behind again.]

What's-his-name: What? No! Oh… [sighs]

[Scene: Planet Express. The ship goes back into the hangar.]

Hermes: Say, Fry, weren't you about to go on vacation?

Fry: I don't need a vacation. I just had six weeks off.

Farnsworth: You did? I could have sworn you were here, but I'm happy to dock your pay.

Fry: That sounds fair. Y'know, I was kind of worn out before, but now, everything feels just right.

Leela: Yes, it does.

Fry: You want to go home and have dinner?

[A purple paper-eater flies out of his beard.]

Leela: Uh, I think I'll eat at my parents' tonight.

[Closing Credits]

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