Transcript:Into the Wild Green Yonder


 * [Pan over space, planets and meteors.]
 * [Caption: BLACK DWARF SYSTEM - DEEPEST SPACE]
 * [A green light claps in them middle of the screen and a pulsing, green ripple expands outward. Cut to a violet star.]
 * [Caption: VIOLET DWARF SYSTEM - SLIGHTLY DEEP SPACE]
 * [One of the green waves passes over the system and the planets all glow a light green. Zoom into the largest celestial body in the system and into a bubbling pool of liquid in a crater where a strand of DNA is formed.  The strand fades into a roller coaster track in Mars Vegas.  Some of the Planet Express crew and other characters fly across the screen in a roller coaster car.  A parody of the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign says "Welcome to Fabulous Mars Vegas."]


 * [The opening credits start, with a theme song that is almost exclusively tubular bells.]

Seth MacFarlane (singing): You and I will be reborn, In a future place and time, If everything our Hindu brethren say is true. In an age of things that hover, You and I will still be lovers, And we'll say to ourselves That was then and this is, too. 'Cause we'll still find the happening hot spots, We'll still cruise the cool casinos. You'll still fly me to the moon, Although the moon to which you fly me, Could be Phobos or Deimos. The psychic worms from Rigel Nine, Who control everything we do, Will make us think that was then, And 3010 is exactly the same as 1962. Don't expect any changes, my friend, That was then and this is, too.

[Scene: A hover grand stand is filled with a crowd of people who overlook Mar Vegas from far away.]

Bender: Wow, Mars Vegas. Long live the eternal city. Mr. Wong: Two, one, zero!
 * [He pushes down a plunger and Mars Vegas is levelled by a large explosion.]

Bender: Rest in hell, Crapville!

[Scene: A large worm moves through the desert of Mars.]

Mrs. Wong: Out here in the desert, we’re gonna build bigger, better Vegas. Mr. Wong: Bathtubs size of oceans, hookers size of bouncers. Bender: [He blubbers.] Hamburger!
 * [The worm has stopped at a station.]

Worm Announcer: Stand clear of the closing jaws.

[Scene: The group stands in a construction site of a new hotel.]

Bender: Yo, you need any girders bent, I know a guy. Amy Wong: So what's gonna be over there, Dad? Mr. Wong: That? That the oasis. ''[A bulldozer destroys a small area of trees and grass. A tree was missed, so a man sets it on fire with a flame thrower.]'' Future site of Oasis Hotel. [He laughs.] Take that, you stupid Mother Nature.
 * [A car door closes. Pan over to the Feministas standing behind the caution perimeter with protest signs.]

Frida Waterfall: Okay. Let's hit him hard. Feministas: This land is your land. This land is my land Fry: Who are you noisy women? Frida: I'm Frida Waterfall, leader of the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you man-doze this beautiful gyno-desert. Mr. Wong: Well, I'm Leo Wong, and I say, "Boom!"
 * [He pushes down a plunger and the Feministas are send flying into the air from an explosion. Everybody else laughs as they fall back to the surface.  Frida lands on Fry and it is revealed that her Femi-necklace has lodged in his brain.  Everybody gasps.]

Frida: Hey, what happened to my femi-necklace? And where's my mega-fem?
 * [The megaphone hits her in the head and she is knocked out. Zoidberg rushes to Fry with a stethoscope.]

Professor Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg? Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing:) Fry is dead!
 * [Everybody starts sobbing, but then Fry groans and wakes up.]

Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing. Mr. Wong: Damn eco-broads! You can't even spray for eagles without upsetting these kooks. [He sprays a tree and two eagles fall out, then a cave man falls out.] Leela: Now, hang on. Before you do construction, don't you have to make sure you're not harming any native species? Mr. Wong: You mean, cursory environmental survey? Already done! By top scientist.
 * [He interrupts Farnsworth counting a wad of cash.]

Farnsworth: Err, what? Oh, my, yes. You've got the go-ahead, Mr. Wong. This place is deader than last year's cat. Leela: No, it's not! There's precious life right here in this scum puddle. [He holds up a desert muck leech.] Farnsworth: Ah! Cyprinodon martius. The desert muck leech. Amazingly, the entire species lives in this one tiny stink hole. (To Mr. Wong:) Killing these will be so much easier than exterminating those ponies.
 * [He imitates a pony, then imitates a machine gun, then imitates a dying pony.]

Leela: Wait a second. Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... [She pets the leech, it makes a noise and then it bites and clamps onto her neck.] Get off me! [She throws it to the ground.] Bender: I'll get it with my trusty foot cups: Stompy and Smashy.
 * [Bender tries repeatedly to squish the creature, but Leela bends over to stop him from trying.]

Leela: No, don't kill it! We have to...
 * [When she bends over, the leech bites onto her neck again. She runs off-screen screaming.  Mr. Wong is seen pouring a bag of Poison Cement into the hole the leech came from.  He then directs a large parking lot paving machine to roll over the area.]

Mr. Wong: There. They're not endangered anymore. They're extinct. [He chuckles.] Leela: No, they're not. I saved this one. And I'm gonna raise it and care for it, so the world will forever know what it's lost. [The leech then bites her eye and she screams.] You freaking slime wad! [She pulls is off her eye and stomps on it, then stops.] No. I killed it. It was the last of its kind. [The creature comes back to life and bites onto her knee.] Mother-(bleep). Let go of me, you... [She holds her leg up and fries the leech with a laser from her Wristlomojacker.]  Poor thing.
 * [It flies back at her neck and clamps on again. She screams as the camera pans over the Mr. Wong and Fry.   Mr. Wong kicks Fry's leg twice to wake him up.]

Mr. Wong: Tell you what, Fry. You all promise not to sue me, I give you token for free entry in poker tournament. [He slips a poker chip into Fry's pocket on his shirt while Fry is still somewhat unconscious.] He took it, you all saw it! Bender: Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. [Leela runs across the screen behind them, battling the leech still.] What's in it for me, Bender? Mr. Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner and free tickets to Celine Dion. Bender: Lose the Celine Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal. Mr. Wong: All right, damn it, done!
 * [The crew cheers.]

Bender: All right, I scored.


 * [Scene: The Wong Hotel & Casino is completed. The crew is playing a row of slot machines.]

Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. ''[He inserts a quarter and pulls the lever while laughing. The rolls of the machine land on "OUT OF ORDER," "OUT OF ORDER" and "NO REFUNDS."]'' Oh. I'm bankrupt. Fry: [He chuckles.] You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable. Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, man. Fry: I am not acting weird, Leela. Why is everyone talking at once? Leela: Fry, calm down and stop braining. Amy: Yeah, Fry, maybe you need to- Fry: You're right, Amy! Maybe I do need some fresh air. Bender: Man, I'm worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second.
 * [He uses his quarter on a string to scam the slot machine and pulls on the lever. He gets three Leo Wong heads.]

Three Leos on the Machine: You win, damn it!
 * [Quarters are dispensed from the machine as bells are going off.]

Bender: [He laughs.] It's all in the wrist. ''[He unscrews his hand from his wrist and sucks up the quarters like a vacuum. He sucks quarters out of Farnsworth's pocket as well.]''

''[Scene: A street in Mars Vegas. Traffic has filled the streets. Cut to Fry's eyes as he walks down the sidewalk of pedestrians.]''


 * [There is overlapping chatter.]

Fry: Voices always yelling. Who - who said that? I'm not insane. Stop it. Stop talking in me!
 * [Fry runs into a close alley.]

Hutch Waterfall: Voices bothering you, man? I've been there. You need one of these doodangs. [He taps on his foil hat.] Fry (Over the chatter): A foil hat? Of course, he likes pastrami. What about the dog's testicles? [Hutch puts his foil hat on Fry's head and the voices quiet.] Hey, it worked. The voices stopped. Hutch: They've got a huge selection of carburetors... Hang on. Hang on. [He searches through a dumpster for a new hat and finds one with some pizza stuck to it.] That's better. My name's Hutch. Fry: Hi, Hutch. So what's with the obnoxious, shrieking voices? Are my fillings picking up The View? Hutch: No, man. Truth is, it's other people's thoughts. You're a mind reader. Fry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Although, actually, it was sort of obvious. Hutch: You don't believe me? Take off the helmet. Fry: I believe you. Hutch: Seriously, do it. [Fry sighs and takes his hat off.] (Telepathically:) Testing, testing. Do you read me? Fry (Telepathically): Loud and clear. Hutch: What? Fry: I said, "Loud and clear." Only I said it with my thinker, not my talker. Hutch: Whoa! Freaky. Why can't I read your thoughts? Fry: I don't know. Wait. What's that about a secret society? Hutch: Never mind that. Just keep the foil on and you'll be okay. Also, it'll keep the Dark Ones from incinerating your brain. Fry: That's a plus. Hutch: And don't ever, ever, ever tell anyone you can read minds, or the Dark Ones will get you like that. [He poorly snaps his fingers.] Hang on, pizza grease. Like that. [He snaps his fingers and Fry let's out a concerned wail.]

[Scene: Many robots are walking into a theatre that is presenting Gearotica.]


 * ''[Robot performers are lowered from the ceiling and dance with the music.

Clamps: Jeez, get a load of the batteries on her. I'd like to get my clamps on those. Give her a jump, you know what I mean? [He laughs alone.] Donbot: Whoa, whoa. Show some decorum there, Clamps. This ain't no strip show. This is a beguiling display of the pornographic arts. Johnny Mousepad: Yo, Skip, I can see a guy's butt. Michael's Wife: Oh, Michael, this is the perfect end to a perfect honeymoon. Michael: I love you so much.
 * [They move in to kiss, but Bender lands between them.]

Bender: Is this seat taken? Michael: Actually, we... Bender: Slide me those chicken wings. So what part of Podunk you rubes from? Michael: The north-eastern.
 * [Bender belches fire after drinking a bottle of red wine.]
 * [Two robots on stage move their hips on a gear until they are close enough to exchange a compact disc from one slot to another. The crowd applauds.]

Announcer: Monsieurs et mademoiselles, our circus of the senses now arrives by steamboat in New Orleans, circa 2873. The muted lament of a trombone resonates through the fog, which lingers even now, months after the attack of the fog monster. With but one hope of restoring Gearoticus to his throne, our sensual fate rests in the gyrations of... Fanny.
 * [Fog covers the stage, but is blown away by the air movement from Fanny's fan, which is fixed to her rear end.]

Bender: Oh. ''[He stops eating and watches Fanny move her fan around on stage. He stammers and his eyes extend out of his head to zoom in. They extend out farther, then his antenna extends and the woman next to him gasps.]''

''[Scene: Bender is scatting as he walks toward Fanny's dressing room door with flowers hidden behind him. He knocks on the door and Fanny answers.]''

Fanny: Yes? Bender: I'm Bender. Let's do it. [He holds out the flowers.]
 * [The two stare at each other for a few seconds until the Donbot comes out of the dressing room with his gun cocked and pointed at Bender.]

Donbot: Who is it, the Feds? Bender: [He gasps.]Aren't you the Donbot, head of the Robot Mafia? Donbot: Allegedly. And this is my beloved wife, Fanny, whose honor I would proudly defend with a power drill. Well, I gotta go drown a stoolie.
 * [As soon as the bathroom door closes Bender and Fanny start kissing, Fanny's fan is spinning. Suddenly the Donbot opens the door and Bender and Fanny quickly separate]

Donbot: I'm gonna be in here a while, so do me a favor and drive my wife home. It's one of them self-driving cars, so just sit in the back and do whatever.
 * [They start kissing again. Fanny twangs Bender's antenna.]

Fanny: Oh, Bender, your lips are intoxicating. It's like kissing an ashtray full of hot wings.
 * [They resume kissing and fall to the floor.]

Bender (As if he were speaking through a fan): Aww yeahh!

''[Scene: Fry is peacefully walking down a street. He stops and lift his hat off. The voices grow louder and louder until he puts his hat back on.]''

Fry (Telepathically): My God, I really can read minds. I have a superpower! There must be something great I can do with this.
 * [He gasps. Cut to Fry standing in front of a Women's locker room door. He removes his hat and quickly walks in.]

Fry: Hello, ladies, I can read your thoughts. [Punches are heard and Fry is thrown out of the room.] Oh, wait, that's invisibility.
 * [Fry walks by a banner for Leo's Poker Tournament, back tracks to it and gasps.]

Fry (Telepathically): Poker. With my mind-reading abilities and my invisibility... Wait, no, just the mind reading. I can't lose! Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please. Administrator: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee's 50,000 smackers. Fry: 50,000? Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament. Administrator: Close enough. [He puts the wad of cash in his breast pocket.]