Transcript:Attack of the Killer App


 * [Opening Credits.]
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of Citihall. A banner under the now dated logo reads "e-Waste Not, e-Want Not".  A huge crowd is gathered outside as Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer makes a speech.]

Poopenmeyer: As mayor, it is my deeply tedious pleasure to kick off the 83rd or 84th Annual e-Waste Recycling Festival!
 * [The camera cuts to the crowd, some of whom are carrying old machines like Apple computers from 1984. The camera stops on Bender, Fry, and Leela.]

Bender: Down in front!
 * [Zoidberg is seen with the fin on his head.]

Zoidberg: Sorry, I get aroused in crowds.
 * [The fin disappears.]

Poopenmeyer: I will now throw out the ceremonial first dump: [takes an old machine that says Elect-O-Matic 2000 and is about to put it in the recycling bin] this old inefficient vote rigger! [throws it away as the crowd cheers and the fin grows back on Zoidberg's head]
 * [Cut to: Farnsworth and Hermes carry a box labeled "Old Doomsday Devices" to the bin]

Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.
 * [They throw them away as the camera pans to Amy, Zoidberg, Leela, and Fry carrying an electronic toilet.]

Leela: So long, overly complicated Japanese toilet! Toilet: [in a stereotypical Japanese accent] Please. I not to throw away. I give you, uh, Happy Poopie Time. Fry: Sorry, you know too much.
 * [Fry drops the toilet in the bin as everyone watches it drop.]
 * [Cut to: Bender sneaks to a bin in the back of the place and laughs.]

Bender: Seems like a good place to ditch some evidence. [takes something out of his cavity, opens the bin and finds a familiar robot] Flexo?! What are you doin' in a hazardous wastebin? Flexo: Haven't you heard? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun—
 * [Bender closes the door on his bearded twin before he can finish the common side effects.]

Farnsworth: Who were you talking to? Bender: [slides the evidence with his footcup under the bin] No one? Your mama? Shut up? Take your pick.
 * [Cut to: Mayor Poopenmeyer is having his picture taken as he kisses a little robot and then recycles it.]

Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, New New York Times Online Podcast blog comments editor. Mr. Mayor, isn't this e-waste dangerous? Poopenmeyer: Not at all, Scoop. Not after it's off to the Third World by an expendable team of minimum-wage nobodies.
 * [The camera pans to Farnsworth, Leela, Fry, and Bender.]

Farnsworth: [whispering to the other three] Good news, nobodies!
 * [The crew gets angry at Farnsworth.]
 * [Scene: Space. The Planet Express ship flies past the sun and approaches a brown dirty planet.]
 * [First Caption: Third World]
 * [Second Caption: Of the Antares System]
 * [The ship flies into its ring which is composed of all old devices.]
 * [Scene: Exterior shot. The ship lands past many smokestacks and coal factories.]

Antarian #1: Greetings, my friends. It shan't take long to strip down your clunker. [knocks the staircase twice] Leela: There's nothing wrong with our clunker. Antarian #1: Really? Because we can smelt out the deadly, deadly chromium to make rat poison and artificial sweeteners. Leela: No, thanks. We're delivering e-waste. Antarian #1: Pity. We're halfway done.
 * [The camera cuts to a wide shop of the ship which is now stripped down to its wiring frame. Another Antarian is stripping down Bender's cavity.]

Antarian #2: This thing is 40% chromium.
 * [Cut to: A closeup shot of one of the smokestacks. A bird flies through the smoke and becomes a skeleton.  The camera pans down to show Fry, Leela and the no longer stripped Bender carrying one of the recycling bins being led by the first Antarian.]

Antarian #1: Gentle now. Gentle with the hover dumpster.
 * [They stop and break the hover dumpster revealing all the old e-waste. The Antarian takes out a can of flammable oil.]

Antarian #1: Ready for processing! [squirts the oil, takes out a match, lights it, and spreads it on the oil] Fry: [sniffs as his nose bleeds] What smells like bloody sinuses? Antarian #1: We burn your e-waste down to the usable metals, safely releasing the toxins into our air and drinking water.
 * [He indicates a rather frail looking dog licking from a dirty puddle of water. It pants as its tail becomes dismembered.]

Leela: Uch! That's the worst thing I've ever seen! Antarian #1: Really? Then don't look over there. [points to a bunch of Antarian children playing in a pile of e-Waste, to the kids] Okay, kids, let's play Find the Shiny!
 * [The kids rummage through the e-waste and cough but still manage to find something shiny.]

Leela: That's even more horrific! Is all the work done by children? Antarian #1: No. Not the whipping.
 * [We hear three whip cracks.]
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of the Planet Express building.]
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express living room. Fry and Bender are on the couch, Leela is standing up, while everyone else is sitting at the table.]

Leela: Granted, we later learned some positive things about recycling. But a better solution is to use our electronics as long as possible, instead of throwing them out in the first place. [walks toward the trash can] I'm gonna start by keeping my old cell phone, even if it is outdated.
 * [Leela opens the cell phone to reveal that it is an old rotary cell phone.]

Phone: [like an old 1930's switchboard operator] Hello, Miss Turanga, your call to St. Louis has gone through. Bender: [grabbing the television] Well, let's at least throw this TV out. [rips it from the wall] The batteries in the remote are gettin' low. Leela: No! Put that back and turn it on! Bender: I was just tryin' to help. [puts the television back on the wall as Fry turns it on with the remote]
 * [Morbo is seen on the television next to a graphic of a cat hanging from a tree with the caption "Death Plunge"]

Morbo: More on this breaking puff piece after a word from our sponsor.
 * [An advertisement that is a parody of Apple iPhone commercials comes on]

Announcer: WIth the new eyePhone, you can watch, listen, ignore your friends, stalk your ex, download porno on a crowded bus, even check your E-mail while getting hit by a train. All with the new eyePhone. Mom (v.o.): From Mom. Leela: A new eyePhone? Forget this junk. [throws out her cell phone again] Phone: Well, this is a fine howdoyoudo. Hermes: [throws out his BlackBerry] So long. Fry: [throws out his phone] Sayonara. Amy: [throws out her miniature cell phone] Buh-bye. Zoidberg: [throws out his shell phone] Good riddance. Bender: [throws out his old wireless phone] Yep. Farnsworth: [throws out his even older wireless phone] Toodle-oo! Leela: Come on! Let's buy some eyePhones on line!
 * [Scene: Exterior of Planet Express building. Leela, Fry, Amy, Bender, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Hermes walk out the door and come to a sudden stop.]

Fry: Wait. I thought we were buying our eyePhones online. Leela: We are on line.
 * [It is revealed that they are at the end of what seems to be a pretty long line.]

Fry: But I thought the Mom Store was across town. Amy: It is across town.
 * [Whip pan to reveal that the store is indeed all the way across town by the look of the line. Cut back to the Planet Express crew.]

Fry: But I thought— Bender: Stop thinking, Fry!
 * [Scene: Later that night. Pan down from the moon to reveal practically all of New New York still in line moving very slowly.]

Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting. Beeler: The eyePhone has an app for that! Bender: Is there an app for kissin' my shiny metal ass? Beeler: Several! Bender: Ooooooh!
 * [The line continues to march down the street gradually. Eventually, they reach a bright light, which startles Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: Oh, no! The light! I guess I'm off to Hell. Hermes: That's the store, Professor. Farnsworth: Eh-wha?
 * [Cut to: Overhead shot of the line. Pan up to the Mom Store, which is a glass cube with a white logo in the shape of Mom's head and hair and two moving posters on the side with four dancing silhouettes of Mom in her fat suit, Walt, Larry, and Igner.  A message appears on the store front saying "Introducing the All New eyePhone"]
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the Mom Store. We hear generic alternative music inside the store.  We see more moving posters with the dancing silhouettes.  The Planet Express crew walks inside.]

Amy: Shwow! It's that obscure underground song that's constantly playing everywhere.
 * [On one of the video screens, the silhouette of Mom in her fat suit stops dancing, walks into the light and fills the entire screen.]

Mom: [in her sweet voice] Hello, dearies. Welcome to the Mom Store. The new eyePhones are in short supply, so please form an orderly— Bender: Outta the way!
 * [Ignoring Mom's advice, the crowd turns into a mob as they each try to get to a register. Fry finally reaches one.]

Fry: [panting] Are there any eyePhones left? Cashier: There may be one.
 * [The cashier puts his hand behind a curtain. Behind the curtain we see there are robots dispensing probably thousands of eyePhones.]

Cashier: Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold a charge and the reception isn't very— Fry: [taking out a wad of cash] Shut up and take my money!! Mom: The new eyePhone is wonderful. I use it to check recipes and send threatening e-mails to unauthorized third party app developers.
 * [The cashier opens the eyePhone box.]

Fry: Say, you're from one of those ethnicities that knows about technology. Why's it called an eyePhone? Cashier: I'll explain after I install it.
 * [Takes the eyePhone out and sticks it deep into Fry's right eye. He screams from the pinching pain until he blinks, which activates the eyePhone screen in front of him.]

Fry: Neat. Cashier: [putting an earpiece in Fry's left ear] Now for the earpiece. [lifts a huge mallet, but we don't see him hammer it in, instead, we pan back to the video screen] Mom: But my favorite app is called "Twitcher". [we hear the cashier hammer in the earpiece] Twitcher lets you send and receive short messages called "twits". [we hear a ding] Why, [blinks her eyes and activates a floating screen showing Larry] here's a twit now. Larry: Hi, Mom, I love you more than Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar— eyePhone: Low battery.
 * [Mom blinks her eyes and turns the phone off]

Mom: But don't take my word for it. [a screen showing a web site appears, which Mom reads] Unbiasedreviews.mom says, "Twitcher is the Killer App!"
 * [Scene: Interior shot of Mom's Friendly Robot Company. Mom, out of her fat suit, is watching the video screen in her office.]

Mom: [normal voice] And when I say, "killer app", I mean, "KILLER app!"
 * [Mom laughs evilly, and the video screen shows the dancing silhouettes which are no longer dancing, but laughing along with her. But the silhouette of Mom, as always, slaps her sons' silhouettes.]
 * [Title Screen: The Real Housewives of Sim City]

Announcer: And now, another downloadisode of "The Real Housewives of Sim City"!
 * [Scene: Interior shot of a Sims-style house. Two Sims-looking women are watching a blonde Sims woman keep bumping into the wall.]

Sims Woman: She needs to reset. I'll say it to her face.
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express meeting room. Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, and Hermes are all sitting around the meeting table enjoying their eyePhones.]

Fry: No wonder traditional media is dead! Check out this webisode of Hypnotoad.
 * [Fry blinks his eyes to activate a webisode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad. He clicks play, and the webisode lasts exactly one second.  The play icon appears on screen with the caption "Play again?"]

Bender: Enjoy your outdated format, Grandpa. [blinks his eyes to open an episode of All My Circuits] Nowadays, cool kids like me mash up our own phoneisodes.
 * [Bender clicks play. The episode begins with Calculon holding an envelope and Monique looking in sadness]

Calculon: It's from the kidnappers. My nephew is alive and he's...in this envelope. Calculon's Nephew: [looking flat] They cut off one of my dimensions! Calculon: [as Monique sobs] No. No!
 * [The episode pauses as a hastily inserted video of Bender gets inserted into the episode]

Bender: [on screen] Oh, my God! It's Bender! He'll save us!
 * [Cut back to Fry, who is relaxing, when his head shakes and we hear a bell ringing. A telephone icon is shown on the eyePhone screen.]

Fry: What's happening to me? Is it puberty? Bender: It's a phone call, dingus. Fry: These eyePhones are phones, too? Bender: Duh!
 * [Fry picks up the phone and on the screen is Leela driving the ship.]

Fry: Fry-lo. Leela: [on screen] Hi, Fry. Did you know these eyePhones are phones, too? Fry: Duh. Hey, is it safe to talk while you're flying? Leela: [on screen] Oh, totally. This thing's hands-free. [takes out a taco] That's how I can eat this taco [takes out a fork with spaghetti in another hand] and this spaghetti.
 * [Wide shot of the ship's hangar. Leela accidentally crashes the ship into the building.  She flies out of the ship onto the meeting table, screaming.  She has spaghetti all over her face and hair and is still holding onto the taco.]

Leela: I'm hanging up now. [Fry and Leela touch their noses and hang up] Bender: Hey, check out this Internet video of some idiot crashing her spaceship!
 * [Close up on Bender's eyePhone screen. He clicks play and opens a video of Leela crashing the ship.]

Leela: You recorded that? Bender: The eyePhone records everything. All I did was add a laugh track and twit it to my 10,000 followers.
 * [Bender plays the video again, which now has canned laughter at the end of it.]

Fry: Oh, that reminds me. It's time to twit my hourly twupdate. [Fry records a twit on his eyePhone] 'Sup, followers? Fry here. [belches] Burpin' eggs. [scratches his armpit] Scratchin' my underarm fungus. Lookin' for love. Send.
 * [Scene: Interior shot of Mom's office. Mom, Igner, Larry, and Walt are watching Fry's latest twit.]

Larry: Underarm fungus? [gasps] Too much informatio—[Mom slaps him] OW! Mom: It's exactly the right amount of information! For years, I've collected personal data with old-fashioned methods like spybots and infosquitoes.
 * [Pan left to reveal Bolt Rollands with an infosquito sucking information from him.]

Infosquito: This guy sure loves porno. Mom: But now, thanks to Twitcher, morons voluntarily spew out every fact I need to exploit them.
 * [A red target sign is on screen pointing at Fry.]

Walt: Target acquired, Mother. Mom: Fire direct marketing algorithm!
 * ''[The algorithm is fired.]
 * [Scene: Fry walks into another room, still scratching his armpit when a pop-up advertisement appears on his eyePhone screen.]

Man: Do you suffer from the heartbreak of...? Fry's Voice: "—my underarm fungus." Man: Then, you, Mr. or Mrs. ... [we hear a soundbite of Fry belching], need the soothing relief of Mom's Caustic Anti-Fungal Bleach!
 * [The product appears on the screen.]

Fry: Ooh, can I somehow charge it to my eyePhone for an additional fee? Mom (v.o.): Hell, yes!
 * [Cut to: Hermes is playing Space Invaders on his eyePhone when a pop-up ad with an Italian robot in a chef's outfit holding a pizza comes up with a caption that says, "Stuffa You Face"]

Ad: Hey, fatso, stuffa you face! Hermes: [gasps] This thing always seems to know when I get the munchies! [closes Space Invaders and opens Twitcher] Attention followers: It's Free Topping Day at the pizza place across the street! Send.
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the pizza place across the street. Bender, Hermes, Leela and Fry are seated at a table there.]

Leela: [twitting] Duh. That's why we all came over here for lunch. Send. Bender: [twitting] Greetings, followers: This is Day Five of my solo kayak journey around the world. Send. [laughs to himself, to Hermes] Can you believe 50,000 idiots swallow that crap? Send. Oops. Fry: [twitting to Bender] You have 50,000 followers? I only have three. Send.
 * [Fry sends the twit, which only Bender and Hermes receive. They look at Leela.]

Leela: I unsubscribed yesterday. Bender: I got the most followers cuz I give the people what they want, like this video of you doin' karate in your underpants.
 * [Bender opens a video of Fry in his Robot Arms apartment attempting to do karate in his underpants. He tries to chop the coat hanger but falls on his stomach and the coat hanger falls on him.]

Fry: [on screen] Help! Police! Bender: Send. Fry: That is low, Bender. Even by your standards. Bender: My what, now? Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy? Bender: August 6, 1991. Fry: I'll bet I can get as many followers as you without sinking to your level. What do you say? First one to a million followers wins a buck. Bender: [stands up to shake Fry's hand] You're on! [ends up shocking Fry] Send. Fry: What happens to the loser? Bender: Let's make it interesting.
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of the back of the Planet Express building. We see a goat vomiting into the hot tub.  Fry and Bender watch.  Leela and Amy enter the disgusting scene.]

Amy: Splech! Why is Mr. Chunks doing that? Bender: Because the loser of our bet has to do a double somersault into a tub of alien goat vomit. [giggles] Fry: Wait! Let's make it interestinger! [the camera cuts to reveal that the goat has two heads as Fry turns it around] Vomit and diarrhea!
 * [The back end of Mr. Chunks begins to exude green diarrhea.]

Bender: Good idea! That way, we don't waste an end! Leela: [brushing away the smell] Eg, it's putrid! What do you feed him? Bender: What comes out one end we feed to the other. Also Indian food. Let the contest begin!
 * [Montage: We see a "Twit Meter" with two thermometers and follower counters, one for Bender, who currently has 50,000 followers, and one for Fry, who currently has only 37. We see a video being recorded of Farnsworth doing an experiment with Diet Solarmanite and Mentos.  He drops all the Mentos in the drink, it explodes.  Literally.  He ends up setting himself on fire.  It is revealed that Bender was the one recording that.  As a result, his Twit Meter goes up to 200,000 followers.  Next, we see Fry recording a video in front of a whiteboard with "My Politicle Views: Part 56 Tariffs" on it. We don't hear what he's saying.  As a result, his Twit Meter goes down to 19 followers.  Next we see Amy in front of the same whiteboard wearing a bikini and pumps.  Again, we see that Bender is recording that video.  His Twit Meter goes up to 800,000 followers.]
 * [Scene: Interior shot of Mom's office. Mom is watching the Twit Meters on her computer.]

Mom: Amazing. Some dumb bastard has nearly a million other dumb bastards following his every twit. [to her sons] Are you dumb bastards listening to me, you dumb bastards? Igner: Why are you so angry, Mommy? Mom: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous about my evil plan. YOU DUMB BASTARDS!!! [she triple slaps all three of her sons] You see, the plan is about to enter phase two. As soon as someone reaches a million followers, I'll use them to transmit...the Twitworm!
 * [Mom pushes a button near the video screen, which shows a simulation]

Walt: Oh, Mother, you devious hag, tell us more about this "Twitworm". Mom: It's a very special computer virus, for instead of infecting computers, it infects...the human brain! Infosquito: I like it! Mom: The million followers will become an army of zombies eager to obey my every command! [laughs evilly] Larry: The important thing is we're a family. Mom: NO IT'S NOT!
 * [She slaps Larry and Igner who hit each other and then Walt a few times.]
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of the back of the Planet Express building. Mr. Chunks is still vomiting.  The camera cuts to Fry watching, while Leela and Amy lounge in their swimsuits with clothespins on their noses.  We hear a sneeze.]

Amy: Ew! He sneezed in it! Fry: Oh, God, I'm gonna lose the bet! I'm gonna have to swim in the juice of the puke-me-poop-yu! Amy: Don't give up. You just need more titillating twits. Fry: Trust me, I want twits that tittle. Leela: Then you're gonna have to sink to Bender's level. Stop acting like the Queen of England. Female Voice: [singing] La la la la la la la! Fry: Whose that? The Queen of England? Leela: [gets out of her lounge chair] Uh, e-e-excuse me. I have to...someplace. [takes her towel and exits] Fry: That was odd. Where'd that singing come from? Amy: It wasn't the goat. All of its orifices are in use.
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the Planet Express bathroom. Fry opens the door and walks in with his eyePhone on recording. He sees Leela at a sink washing up.]

Female Voice: [singing in a Scottish accent] I dreamed a dream in time gone by... Leela and Female Voice: [singing] When hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die.
 * [Leela lifts the bottom of her swimsuit to reveal that the singing was coming from a boil on her butt.]

Susan: [still singing] I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
 * [Fry screams]

Fry: What the hell is that? Leela: [hides the boil with a towel] Nothing. Susan: I'm not nothing! All my life, everyone's called me, "nothing"! Fry: You have a boil on your butt that sings showtunes with you? Leela: Don't look at me! I'm a freak! Fry: No, no. [shrugs] Well... Leela: [sighs] I've been ashamed of Susan as long as I can remember. Fry: You named your boil Susan? Susan: A boil cannae have a name. He also said a boil cannae sing. But... [sings] Amazing grace, how— [Leela pops Susan with a knife as she deflates and disappears] Fry: Ew, she's Scottish! Leela: [puts a bandage on the spot where the boil was] I lance her every few months, but she always grows back. [sobs] It's hard enough being a cyclops, but if anyone found out about Susan, I'd be devastated. Susan: [singing on Fry's eyePhone] Amazing grace, how— [she screams when she gets popped] Fry: Woah, gross. [gets inspired] A million follower gross. Leela: Fry, delete that! Delete that right now!
 * [Fry blinks and turns his eyePhone off.]

Fry: What? Oh. Okay.
 * [Fry blinks and turns his eyePhone back on. A still of the video is shown on the screen with two buttons, one that says "Send" and one that says "Delete".  Fry looks through the screen and sees Bender walking to the hot tub humming to himself.]

Bender: [giggling and taking hot sauce out of his cavity and pouring it into the vomit] So much for a pleasant swim in vomit.
 * [Fry, in a fit of jealousy decides to send this titillating twit.]

Fry: [fake coughing and whispering] Send [fake coughing again]
 * [Fry blinks and turns his eyePhone off]

Leela: Did you delete it? Fry: [in horror] Eh. Leela: Thanks, Fry. [sniffles] You're a good friend. Fry: Ih.
 * [We see the video of Susan singing and being popped again.]

Susan: [on screen singing] Amazing grace, how— [screams]
 * [Scene: New New York, a construction site. Sal and his friend are watching the video on their eyePhones on their lunch break.  They laugh.]

Sal's Friend: [pointing to Leela] Hey, there she goes in the jen-you-ine! Let's get ta hootin'! [to Leela] HOOOOOOOOOO! </poem. Sal: Whoa-whoa-whoas! If it ain'ts the world's number ones internet sensation! Leela: Where? Also, what?
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express building. We hear the video again.]

Susan (v.o.): [singing] Ama-
 * [Scene: Interior shot of Planet Express meeting room. Leela goes past the door and hears Susan and takes a look.]

Susan (v.o.): [singing] -zing grace, how [screams]
 * [Leela gasps when she sees all the crew members watching the video on the computer and laughing.]

Hermes: Play it one more time! Farnsworth: No! It's humiliating and degrading to Leela! Play it ten more times!