Transcript:Bender's Big Score Part 4

[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]

TV Announcer: [voice over] And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.

[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]

Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.

Fry: Are you okay, Leela?

Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.

Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!

[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]

Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.

[Hypnotoad turns toward him]

Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!

[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I've just received some really great news. I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.

Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me.

Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!

Leela: Oh, Lord.

Nixon: And all I had to do was hand over our last remaining land and water as collateral. So assuming all goes ... What's that, Agnew? A telegram? [reads telegram] Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamedonia.

[Scene: South Street Spaceport]

Nudar: [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff.

Leela: All aboard for Neptune!

Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. I'll be cold, and heavy.

[The PE ship takes off]

Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers.

[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]

[Scene: Neptunian cave]

Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.

Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the yetis.

Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, yetis.

Farnsworth: Amy, you speak yeti. What are they saying?

Amy: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... "assaulting the interlopers."

[Seconds later, yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]

Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.

Hermes: Sweet yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.

[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]

[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]

Anarjuwat: Is that normal?

Fufu: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...

Fry: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?

[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange narwhal doing flips and spins]

Fry: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.

Captain: Damn whale keepers.

[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]

Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.

Santa: [Holding a missile launcher] Ho! Ho. Ho... [Drops missile launcher] Oh, my heart's not in it. I'm too depressed for murder and mayhem.

Amy: Try some antidepressants. They're Gummi.

Fry: What happened, Santa?

Santa: The scammers cheated me out of my naughty list to use for telemarketing. Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!

Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. No more running and hiding. It's time to fight back.

Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.

Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.

[Leela slaps Robot Santa]

Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list!

[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]

[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]

Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.

Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled,solid-gold Death Stars.

[Agnews body presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]

Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.

Nixon: We're hopelessly out gunned. The force is with us, but that's about it.

Santa: But we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.

[Scene: Santa's workshop]

Santa: [singing] I brought the elves back from vacation, chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...

Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And the Chanukah zombie.

Santa: [singing] Three mad, wise men bearing murder and frankincense.

Neptunians: [singing] Damn you.

Santa: [singing] Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.

Neptunians: [singing] Says who?

Santa:[singing] Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No one here goes near that door, this toy shop's going to war.

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Talmud says "Be slow to anger”, Low-down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar, jump back, jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.

Neptunians: [singing] Ten hut!

Chanukah Zombie: Dreidl, dreidl I made it out of blasting clay

Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts.

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And when it's dry and ready, For mercy they will pay. I can't wait eight nights or more, this zombie's going to war.

Kwanzabot: [singing] Check, check it out Kwanzabot, in the NeptizzIe-hizzIe. With my inhuman beat box busy building missiles. They're guided by these cute dancing fairy figures, careful, little elf, that's proximity-triggered. I'm fighting back for Kwanza so the children won't miss it. I'm confused about its meaning but I know it when they dis it. So, Santa

Santa: [singing] Yeah, K?

Kwanzabot: [singing] CZ?

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Hey, hey.

Kwanzabot: [singing] Let's slay them pimps Come on, pimp my sleigh.

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Easy with that toy artillery. Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.

Santa: Can they sue for liability?

Nixon: Certainly not!

Santa: [singing] Use as much as you are able.

Neptunians: [singing] This bites.

Santa: [singing] You signed away your rights when you were hired.

Leela: Now, let's fight.

Nixon:Let's fight.

Santa: [singing] Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore, this trinity's going to war.

[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]

Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...

Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!

Leela: What?

Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.

[Kif sighs and crouches down]

Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.

Cubert: Here, sir!

Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!

Zapp: Dwight Slim.

Dwight: Here.

Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!

[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]

Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.

Kif: Forty-six.

Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.

Kif: One.

Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?

Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth?

Lars: Lars Fillmore.

Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.

Leela: Yes, yes, yes.

Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir.

Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velor marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]

Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command?

Nibber: No.

Sal: Nos.

Bubblegum Tate: Nah.

Al Gore: Nope.

Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.

Donbot: No, I do not.

Robot Santa: No.

Kwanzabot: It's cool.

Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!

[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]

[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the death stars]

Flebb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship.

[Scammers laugh]Leela: Unit 10, Target H, 16-K. Niner, niner, go left! I mean right.

Sal: Whoas!

Leela: 55-U. 8-R, 2-V.

Farnsworth: Bingo!

Hattie: Cheating son of a...

[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]

Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!

Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?

Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!

[Farnsworth makes one of those "I'm the professor, boo-yah!" poses]

Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.

[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]

[Al Gore fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]

Al Gore: [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.

[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]

[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]

Clamps: He's champing for a clamping!

[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a death star]

[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]

Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang!

[Everyone cheers]

Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?

Labarbra: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Truth be, I married you for your sexy potato body,but I'm staying with you for your sexy potato head.

Barbados Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.

[Barbados tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]

[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]

Nudar: Nice attack, doo-doo heads. Too bad we have one last trick up our sleeve.

Amy: I doubt that!

Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth?

[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Sphero-Boom]

Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.

Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!

Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?

Leela: Never!

Nudar: Or totaI destruction?

Leela: Also never!

Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!

Leela: [Melodramatically] Nevvveeeeer!

Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. [Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]

[The crew gasp]

Bender: Shut up and keep looking apologized to.

Leela: [Acting nonchalant] Dum de dum.

[Leela presses the "FIRE" button. The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]

Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.

[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nude aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]

Amy: Yay! Bender!

Fry: All right!

[Crew cheers]

Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...

[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]

Bender: ... and as soon as I was out of the scammer's control, I pulled the old switcheroo.

[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]

[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]

Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest.

[Everyone cheers]

Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.

Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.

[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]

Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...

[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]

[Leela tries to hold back tears]

Fry: What is it?

Leela: Nothing.

Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!

Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.

Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.

Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.

Fry: You remember when we first met?

Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.

Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.

[Scene: Fry's boat in the Arctic]

Fry: Why are you so sad, Leelu?

[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]

Fry: Him again? [sudden realization strikes] Wait a second, are you two...

[Leelu nods]

[Fry takes the plunger off his head]

Fry: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.

Atanarjuat: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.

Fry: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.

[Atanarjuat and Fufu open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry looks on sadly]

Fry: Goodbye, Leelu.

[Fry sobs]

[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]

Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?

Leela: Lars?

Lars: I... I really have to go, I...

Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?

Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.

Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.

Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?

Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...

[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]

Nudar: Nobody move!

Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?

Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!

Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.

Nudar: Not you.

[Nudar points his gun at Lars]

Nudar: You!

Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!

Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!

Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?

Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun. Go ahead and shoot.

Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?

Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!

Lars: I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.

[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the explosive Bender. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]

Nudar: What the...

Bender: Four, three, two, one, Boom! [Nothing happens. Bender laughs] Woah!

[Bender explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender.]

Leela: Lars, no!

[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]

[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry is shaking hands with Captain LeRoy. Fry leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]

Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leelu] It's enough just to know you're happy.

Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leela and crying] You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.

[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]

Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! [Bender fires his gun]

[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry's hair catches on fire]

Fry: My hair!

[Coughs]

Fry: My larynx!

[Fry with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]

Fry: I'm Lars?

Fry: I'm Lars!

[Fry bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]

Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.

[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]

[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]

[Scene: Fry enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of Twentieth Century Man. He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]

[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]

Lars: [On a screen] So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.

Leela: [sad] I understand.

Screen: That concludes another silly-willy video will.

Fry: He was a good man, Leela.

Leela: Yeah... you were.

[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]

Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.

Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.

Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!

Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender.

[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]

Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...

[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]

Bender: Mission accomplished!

Fry: You put the time code on my ass?

Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.

[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]

Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!

[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]

Bender: What's the worst that can happen?

[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]

Bender: Well, we're boned.