Transcript:Bender's Game Part 1

[Opening credits.] [A twelve sided dice is rolled and turns 10. Scene: Dwight, Cubert, an Indian boy and a Chinese boy are playing Dungeons & Dragons.] Cubert: Yes, 10!

Dwight: Well done, Cubonius. You decapitated the unicorn.

ALL: All right.

Chinese Boy: Oh, oh! We search his tail pouch for treasure.

Dwight: Deep in the unicorn's rump sack, you find... [The boys gasp as he rolls the dice.] 60 gold pieces and a mysterious scrap of cloth bearing the unmistakable stench of dwarf urine.

Indian Boy: The same stench that was on the bed linens at the inn?

Dwight: The very same.

Chinese Boy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Cubert: I cast a spell of detect magic.

Bender: [Walking over to the table.] What you doing, mini-meatbags? Underage gambling? Shame on you. Count me in. [He places a wad of cash on the table.]

Dwight: We're not gambling. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Cubert: Right now, we're fighting for our lives in the lair of the Dragon Queen.

Bender: Ah, wrong. Right now you're ass-deep in a folding chair.

Cubert: Yes, but in my imagination I'm riding a golden Pegasus. Giddy up, Sparky! [He rides the chair like a horse.]

Bender: [Sitting down.] Am I the only one seeing him sitting here with peanut butter on his face?

Dwight: Bender, were you built without an imagination?

Bender: What? Don't be stupid, of course not. It just hasn't descended yet.

[Cut to the ship flying through space.] [Scene: In the bridge Leela pilots the ship with Nibbler on her lap. Fry is playing with some buttons and Bender stares at a console with a sad look on his face.] Bender: Fry, do I have an imagination?

Fry: I don't know, Bender. Why do you ask? Were the other boys making fun of you?

Bender: Mhmm. They said I couldn't imagine things.

Fry: Well, you never know unless you try. Like, I didn't know if I could swallow a softball, so I gave it my best shot and voilà! [He lifts his shirt to reveal a large lump in the middle of his abdomen.] Wait, that's not it. [He twists to the left a bit to reveal a second hump.] Ah, thar she blows!

Ship's Computer (while beeping): Warning, out of dark matter fuel.

Leela: That's not a warning. A warning is supposed to come before something bad happens.

Ship's Computer (with a more stern alarm): Warning, engines will shut down in one second.

Leela: That's more like it.

[The ship's engines die and it abruptly comes to a stop, throwing the three crew members out of their chairs. The ship drifts into a shady looking area of space.] Fry: Uh-oh. This space neighborhood looks kind of sketchy.

Punk: [He flies onto the front of the ship and yanks off the hood ornament.] Rock 'n' roll.

Bender: Hey, that punk stole our hood ornament. Now no one will know we have the LX package.

Leela: We need dark matter and we need it fast. Fry, check Nibbler's litter box. Maybe he dropped a steamer.

Fry: Aye, aye, Captain. Yes! I've never been so excited to see poop. Well, maybe once.

[He heaves the chunk into a Dark Matter receptacle.] ALL: [Cheering]

Bender: There's gas in our ass.

[Scene: The ship flies through an air lock and lands next to a fuel station.] Leela: Can you believe the price of dark matter? It'd be cheaper to fill the tank with Nobel Prize winners' sperm.

MOM COMPUTER: Total dark matter purchased, $632.14. Your Speedpass will now be charged.

[A bolt of electricity shoots out to Leela's Wristlomojacker and she yells.] Leela: You lousy...

Sal: Hey, gets a loads of that ugly ship. What shades of green is that? Puke?

Leela: For your information it's called Electric Mucus.

Sal's Fellow: More like puke.

Sal: Whoa!

Leela: Yeah, why don't you come a little closer so my boot can hear you?

Bender: [Restraining her.] Calm down, Leela. You can vent tonight on your blog.

Sal: What's the matters, you couldn't affords the LX package?

Sal's Fellow: Puke-a-doodle-do.

Leela: You're making fun of our ship? Your ship is the most beat-up thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Mickey Rourke's head.

Sal: Yeah, she's a little Rourky, but you got to gets big time ugly to be five-time winners at a demolition derby.

Fry: That's five more times than we've won or even entered.

Bender: We do suck.

Sal: Yup, and it's gonna be six winses after tonights.

Leela: We'll sees abouts that.

[Scene: The crew sits around the Conference Table. Scruffy leans on the fridge while looking at a magazine.] Hermes: Dark matter costs have tripled, so we must reduce expenses. Therefore, we will no longer provide complimentary porno magazines in the lounge.

Scruffy: Dern it.

Farnsworth: And no more wasting fuel. From now on I'll be keeping a tight hold on the keys to the ship, swallowing them before I go to bed and recovering them the next morning.

Amy: Splech!

Hermes: Professor, it's 4:00.

Farnsworth: 4:00 in the evening? Then, good night. [He swallows the keys.]

[Scene: Locker Room. The crew is showing.]

Leela: I don't care what the Professor says. We're entering that demolition derby to prove our ship isn't a piece of junk.

Zoidberg: But won't that turn our ship into a piece of junk?

Bender: Shut up, Zoidberg. He's right, Leela.

Leela: But we have no choice. Rednecks insulted us.

Fry: So? Let it go. Don't let your temper get the better of...

Leela: [Grabbing Fry and shaking him senseless.] Rednecks!

[Scene: Professor's Bedroom. Zoidberg and Leela sneak in.] Zoidberg: Using this magneto, I will now guide the keys up the thorax and out via the frontal face hole. That's the storage locker, the boat, the other boat, pay dirt!

[Exterior shot of Planet Express. The hangar doors open and the ship blasts out. It speeds through space and smashes through a billboard that says "SPACE DEMOLITION DERBY - DRIVE SAFELY!" Scene: The ship lands in an arena where twenty vehicles are facing each other in a square formation.] Rich Little (VO): Greetings, sports fans. Though whether this outpouring of inbreds can in fact be classified as a sport is a subject of no small scholarly debate.

[The Planet Express Ship lands next to Sal's.] Sal: Well, wells, well, if it ain'ts Princess Pukerella and her pukey puke-mobile.

Leela: Oh, yeah? Well... Shut up.

Bender: -Good comeback, Leela.

Leela: You shut up, too.

[Bender screams.] Rich Little: Rich Little, here, as Howard Cosell. And now to grace us with its rendition of the national anthem, please welcome what is left of the Dixie Chicks after their tragic matter transporter accident.

[A blob of three humans walks to the centre of the arena. There are legs and arms coming out of the centre of the blob.] The Dixie Chicks: We're in horrible pain.

[The crowd cheers.] 'Rich Little: And we are underway.

[Vehicles begin smashing into each other. A red truck with a deer strapped to the roof smashes head on into a blue station wagon ship. The deer flies off the hood and smacks onto the glass dome protecting the fans. The Lunar Lander is seen smashing itself onto an Omicronian ship. The blue ship smashes into the disabled red truck. The Planet Express ship flies by them and collides with Sal's ship. Both are sent spinning out of control.] Sal: Whoas!

Leela: Yes! Now we're inflicting.

Rich Little (VO): Outstanding! Tonight we are witnessing a veritable clinic and that ludicrous hullabaloo known as demolition derby.

[A Lego Man is driving his ship and collides with a Wrecktor ship. Both break into many pieces.] George Takei: [While smacking into a ship piloted by Scott Bakula.] Way to kill the franchise, Bakula. [He hits him one more time and then sees it explode. Not long after, Takei's ship explodes as well.]

[Sal and Leela are the only two ships left. They struggle to travel towards each other.]

Rich Little (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, we are down to our final two ships. In the storied annals of demolition derby, today will surely be remembered, if only as the day upon which I was absorbed (Shows Rich Little.) into that hideous conglomeration once known as the Dixie Chicks.

Leela: Buckle your sphincters.

[Everybody else on the ship is screaming in terror.] Sal: That broad's insanes.

Sal's Fellow: But you're insansier, right?

Sal: Nah, I guess nots. I've decideds to relax and enjoy life from now ons.

[They both scream as they steer away from the collision. They crash and when the dust settles the hood pops open and one windshield wiper is working. The crowd cheers. Interior shot of the Planet Express ship shows everybody stunned in horror.] Leela: Yes! We did it! [Her pony tail is on fire and falls off.]

Rich Little: And Planet Express takes the trophy.

[The ship hobbles back to the Planet Express building and falls into the hangar. Inside, Fry and Amy move a curtain with a drawing of the ship around the smashed one. In Farnsworth's bedroom Leela and Zoidberg attempt to put the keys back in his stomach.] Leela: Now, I'll use the magnet to get the keys back in there.

Zoidberg: What? You mean I cut a big hole in him for nothing? [He begins placing organs back in Farnsworth's body.]

Leela: Don't worry, the Professor won't even remember that he has a spaceship. [She gasps as Farnsworth enters with Hermes.]

Farnsworth: Ah, my precious spaceship! My lone source of joy in the cold December of my days. Come, friends. Let's take her for a spin to the malt shop like old times.

Leela (Into her Wristlojakimater): Leela to Zoidberg. Execute Distraction Protocol Alpha.

Zoidberg (From Wristlojakimater): Roger that.

[Zoidberg enters the room. He's balancing on a purple yoga ball while juggling four flaming torches.] Zoidberg: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Ooh! [He falls and lands against the curtain. A torch sits next to him.] Don't look at me.

[The torch sets the whole curtain a blaze and it is quickly consumed. Hermes gasps.] Farnsworth: Yes, she's a wonderful ship, all right. As beautiful now as the day I got botched laser eye surgery. [He looks at the floor.] Now, that's odd. What's the fuel gauge doing on the fl... [He gasps as he sees the gauge points at the notch just below the "Full" mark.] Great Godzilla's gonads! Who wasted precious fuel? Answer now or be punished.

Leela: All right, fine. I admit it.

Farnsworth: You will be punished.

[Cut to the boys playing Dungeons & Dragons.] Chinese Boy: Oh, my gosh, 20!

Cubert: Yeah.

Dwight: Your pole arm does double damage, and the gelatinous cube dies in horrible poverty. [He makes dying noises.]

[The boys all cheer.]

Cubert: I proceed to cast a spell of darkness.

Indian Boy: Most ingenious.

Chinese Boy: Ah, Bender?

Bender: Me? I, uh cast a spell of darkness. [He makes ghostly noises.] Pretty imaginative, huh?

Cubert: No, you just did the same thing as me, but with a dumb noise.

Bender: Oh... You're right. I'm great in every way except I have no imagination. All I ever wanted is to play this magical game and I can't.

Dwight: Yes, you can. You just have to lose yourself in the fantasy. You have to believe the impossible is merely preposterous.

Bender: Okay. Here goes. Visor down. I believe, I believe. [He makes ghostly noises again.] I did it! I imagined something. For 1.3 milliseconds, I truly believed I was a noble robot in days of yonder.

Chinese Boy: Way to go, Bender.

Cubert: What is thy character's name, good sir?

Bender: Uh, um... I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.

[The boys cheer as the doors open.] Farnsworth (Angrily): Everybody out of the conference room. I am calling a conference. (To the crew:) Everybody get in here. [Cut to Leela standing with the crew and Farnsworth.] You wasted precious fuel just because you were insulted by some redneck yokel from beyond the stars?

Leela: It was only half a ball.

Farnsworth: That's not the point. Your temper is out of control. And to think I'd have never even known if it weren't for the lengthy and unsolicited tattling of Dr. Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: She also took home two rolls of Scotch tape.

Farnsworth: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg. Hermes, incentivize that employee.[Hermes throws a fish into Zoidberg's mouth.] As for you, Leela, I'm letting you off with a warning.

Leela: Oh, thank you.

Farnsworth: A warning that will be administered by this 50,000-volt shock collar.

Leela: Zoidberg, I'm gonna put my boot so far up your cloaca, you'll be... [She is shocked.] Ow!

Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. [She is shocked.]

Leela: Ouch!

Farnsworth: Profanity.

Leela: Son of a... [She is shocked.] Ow!

Farnsworth: Or perversions of a sexual nature.

Leela: [She is silent for a moment, then is shocked.] Ow!

Hermes: Sorry, it's the only collar they had in stock at Office Depot.

Zoidberg :I hope you picked up some Scotch tape while you were there.

Bender: That's a good one.

[He puts his arms around Zoidberg and laughs as Leela struggles to her feet. She grabs Bender's arm and activates the shock collar sending the charge through Bender and to Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams in pain as he is shocked.] [Scene: An episode of The Scary Door.] Narrator: Imagine, if you will, an announcer you can barely understand. He refers to a... *incoherent mumbling* But you're not quite sure what he said. He seems to be eating something, or perhaps he's a little drunk. It's remotely possible that he just said something about... The Scary Door.

[Pan down to a normal farm day. Pan over to a barn with chickens and a tractor around it. Suddenly two UFO's enter and start destroying everything. Soldiers fire artillery and bullets at the hordes of ships.] Soldier: Firing, sir!

Soldier: It's all over. Our guns and bombs are useless against the aliens.

Farmer: The saucers! Theys'a crashin'!

[The saucers are crashing into the ground and barn. A view of a field shows many saucers slamming into the ground and the farmer pulls himself up to watch.] Narrator: In the end, it was not guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of all God's creatures, the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

[A Tyrannosaurus Rex smacks a UFO to the ground and eats the alien inside. Leela turns off the TV. She is sitting in the lounge with Hermes.] Leela: I can't believe TiVo suggested that piece of... [She is shocked.] Ow! Come on, Hermes. Surely you have the authority to remove this damn [The collar shocks her, but it goes unnoticed.] collar.

Hermes: Alas, no. I got the key but not the authority.

Leela: [She reaches for the key and gets shocked.] Yeow! Well, who does have the authority?

Hermes: Only the staff doctor. You'll have to convince him that you have resolved your anger issues.

Leela: I don't have any god da- [Shock.] mother f- [Shock.] anger issues. [Smoke is coming from the collar.]

[Scene: Bender and the boys are playing Dungeons & Dragons.]

Dwight: As your dwarf-skin canoe rounds a bend you suddenly see... [He rolls the dice.] A terrifying red dragon.

[Bender screams.] Indian Boy: What do we do? What do we do?

Bender: Wait, I know. I make use of my round of fireballs. [He makes explosion noises.]

Cubert: [He scoffs.] Everyone knows red dragons are immune to fireballs as well as all other forms of incendiary attack.

Bender: Yes, but I aim not at the dragon but at the river itself to create a shroud of steam through which we can escape.

ALL: Whoa!

Dwight: [He rolls the dice.] Sweet pony of Sierra Leone, it worked!

[Bender laughs victoriously.] Chinese Boy: We did it!

Cubert: Success!

[Fry enters the Conference Room sniffing a carton of milk.] Fry: Bender, smell this milk.

Bender: I go not by the name of Bender, you fleshy fool. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.

[Fry backs out of the room. Cut to the Lab where a monkey and Farnsworth stare at each other. They're both wearing headgear connected to tubes. Fry enters.] Fry: Professor, something's bothering me.

Monkey (In Farnsworth's Voice): Well, you can always talk to me about anything, Fry. What's on your mind?

Fry: Well, it's... it's about my friend Bender.

Farnsworth Monkey: Mmm. I see. Show me on this anatomically correct doll exactly where he touched you.

Fry: No, it's nothing like that. It's just that I am worried about him. He's being playing an awful lot of Dungeons & Dragons.

Farnsworth Monkey: Dungeons &... Good God! Hasn't he seen the Afterschool Special? You've got to talk to him, Fry. Make him quit now before he completely loses his mind.

Fry: Okay, I will.

Farnsworth Monkey: Good boy. Just don't let him touch you down there.

[Fry nods. Pan to Farnsworth who is acting like a monkey.] [Scene: Zoidberg's Office. Leela lays on a bed while Zoidberg examines an X-Ray.] Zoidberg: Well, here's your problem, right here. You've got a skull embedded in your head.

Leela: [Annoyed sigh.] You're absolutely right, Doctor. Can the collar come off now?

Zoidberg: Let me just peel your head a little and see if I can get that skull out. [He pulls a large potato peeler. He prepares to "fix" Leela's problem, but she gets angry and activates the shock collar while kicking the utensil out of his grip. It flies into the groin of an upside down poster of the human body.]

Zoidberg: So, you tell me, little miss expert, why always with the temper? Calm down for once and think. Here, enjoy a relaxing spritz from my empathy bladder. [She is squirted with a light green liquid and the collar emits a shock. Leela isn't phased by it.]

Zoidberg: What is it, already? What's the cause of your anger?

Leela: I guess I would have to say, I hate you. [The collar emits a shock.]

Zoidberg: I'm beginning to understand. It all goes back to your parents.

Leela: What? [The collar is intermittently shocking her now.]

Zoidberg: You harbour resentment because they pushed you to study medicine when all you ever wanted was to be a song-and-dance man. [He dances around and sings a tune then falls to his knees and sobs.] Why? Whyyy?

Leela: I was raised in an orphanarium. My parents are sewer mutants who I never even met until a few years ago.

Zoidberg: Then you've got to go to them and work this song-and-dance stuff out. Maybe have them cook me nice dinner. No scallions. I hate them. (To an intercom:) Amy, cancel my appointments.

Amy (From intercom): Stop calling me.

[Scene: Bender's apartment. Bender is washing a pot and Fry enters the kitchen.] Fry: Bender, please don't get mad, but I think you might be playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.

Bender: You're absolutely right, Fry. I almost went insane, but after this heart-to-heart talk, I've decided to quit.

Fry: Really? Whew! That's a load off my toad.

Bender: Now, if you'll excuse me. [He places the pot on his head.] I'm off to slay the werewolf of Goblin Mountain. [He waves his arms around, makes gibbery noises and dives head first out the window. Cut to Hermaphrobot screwing her left breast in place under a street light. Bender falls in front of her, gets up and pulls a sword out from his chest.]

Bender: On guard, man-wench! Prepare to cross blades.

Hermaphrobot: You couldn't afford it, honey. [She snaps her fingers.]

[Cut to Nibbler moving litter to cover of a fresh ball of Dark Matter. Bender jumps next to litter box and startles him.]

Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men. [He scoops Nibbler's poop and dumps it in his chest.]

Hermes (from off screen): He also left a small pile of treasure on the living room rug.

[Cut to a Hoverbus Hoverstop. Pan to Bender running toward it, sword drawn, at full speed.] Bender: Foul dragon, meet thy doom.

[The Hoverbus runs Bender over. He is left crushed in the middle of the street. Pan down the sewer cover to Sewer City.] [Pan across the sewers to the Turanga residence. Scene: Inside, Zoidberg, Leela and her parents are eating.] Turanga Munda: Would you like a napkin, Doctor?

Zoidberg: Thank you.

Leela: Satisfied, Zoidberg? My relationship with my parents is fine.

Turanga Munda: Now, hold on, Leela. Maybe this torture collar is good for you.

Leela: What? [ she is shocked.] Ow!

Turanga Munda: It'll control your temper. Men like a woman who's not always slamming their head in the car door.

Turanga Morris: She's right. That's what first attracted me to your mother. [He laughs and Leela's collar emits a shock.]

Turanga Munda: So, Leela, I understand your friend here is a physician, and I'm not seeing a ring on his claw.

Leela: Mom, he's a cockroach from outer space. [A large shock is dispensed and Leela screams.]

Zoidberg: Good, Leela, work that anger out. Excuse me a moment, I'm swarming with parasites. [He sticks his fork under a flap on his chest and many bugs crawl around it. There is a knock on the window, Turanga Morris answers it.]

Turanga Morris: Hey, it's what's-his-name from the surface. The bi-clops.

Fry: Ha-have you seen Bender? He's gone nuts. Also, smell this milk.

[Bender comes shooting out of a grate in the wall. He has his sword and a garbage can lid as a shield.] Bender: Prepare for a surprise attack.

[Everybody screams.] Zoidberg: Someone do something.

Leela: I would, but... [She is shocked.] Ow! Take my collar off.

Zoidberg: I can't, I'm still eating. [He shovels food into his mouth and Bender attacks him by smashing his head with the shield.] Help me, Leela.

[Leela prepares to attack Bender, but is brought to the floor by a shock from the collar. She chokes to get it off.] Bender: I cast upon thee a spell of fireball! [He burps behind a lit candle in Leela's direction. The fireball sets the couch, then house on fire. Bender has them cornered and uses his arm as a bow to fire utensils at the group. The all struggle to dodge the shots, but a spoon strike Zoidberg in the forehead. Bender readies to fire a spork.]

Zoidberg: No. Not the spork.

Fry: [Standing in front of the group with a ladle in his hand.] Beholdeth, Titanius, I cast a freeze ray upon you.

Bender: [He scoffs.] That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as a "freeze ray." What, you mean a cone of coldness?

Fry: Yeah, that.

Bender: No! No! Fancy men are defenseless against cone of coldness. [He acts like he's about to freeze.] I'm freezing... what? Ah! [His body goes ridged and falls over.]

Fry: Bender, no. When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool?

Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'm a doctor. I'm sure the robut will be just fine with a little help.

[Cut to Bender opening his eyes.] Bender: Help, help. [Cut to reveal he's in a padded cell in a straight jacket.] (Echoing:) Help! [Cut to show the exterior of his cell. Cut to exterior shot of the HAL Institute - For Criminally Insane Robots.]