Transcript:Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 3


 * [Opening credits.]

Nixon: These eco-feminists are ruthless criminals who'll stop at nothing to save the environment. I don't see how a bending unit can catch them. Bender: Not just any bending unit, Presidente. I happen to be brilliant, fearless and short on cash. [He coughs and motions for money with his fingers.] Nixon: Slush him, Kroker.
 * [Kiff opens a wall safe and pulls out a briefcase, which he pulls money out of and counts money as he gives it to Bender.]

Zapp: Bender here has identified the femdito commander as my ex-lover, Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
 * [By the end of this line, Bender has taken all of the money from the briefcase and has started emptying the wall safe.]

Nixon: And he's willing to fink her out for a few simoleons? Bender: It's not about the money, Nixon, though I'd like much more. It's 'cause Leela's a threat. A threat to my reputation. She's committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she'll break my record for longest rap sheet. Nixon: That's a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it. Bender: Gracias. Now, I could find Leela, but you'll need to authorize a wiretap. Nixon: As many as you like. Bender: I only need one. Nixon: Let's call it six. Kif: Question. If you don't know where Leela is, how can you wiretap her? Bender: I'm not wiretapping her, Greensleeves. You see, like all women, Leela has one weakness.
 * [Scene: Bender is descending upon Fry by parachute. Fry is working as a security guard.]

Bender: Hello, weakness! Fry: Hey, Bender, check it out. I'm Leo Wong's new security guard. I got an ID badge and a flashlight, and I ordered this mustache. Bender: Neat. Say, speaking of whatever the hell you just said, I need to make a cell phone telephone call. Can borrow your cell phone telephone? Fry: Okay, but don't restart my Tetris. I was finally about to get one of those pieces that looks like a backwards "L." Bender: Okay, superstud.
 * [Bender walks off screen as Mr. Wong and Amy approach Fry.]

Mr. Wong: Looking good, security. No feministas getting past you. Fry: No, sir. Not on my mustache's watch.
 * [Bender is in the background struggling with Fry's phone.]

Amy: Fry, I can't believe you're working with my dad against Leela. How can you claim to be her friend and still want her in jail? Fry: [He clears his throat.] It's a tightrope walk, I won't deny it. It takes the kind of multi-sided thinking your dad's so brilliant at. Amy: You mean being two-faced? Mr. Wong: Don't mind cranky-pants here. She been cranky ever since she was a fat little girl. Amy: Dad! Mr. Wong: Can I be brutally honest, Fry? I always wanted a son. Fry: That hurt, but I can take it. Amy: [She says something in Mandarin.] I knew you wanted a son! Why do you think I became a miniature golf champion? Why do you think I wear these stupid boys' sweat suits? Mr. Wong: To hide your big, fat butt, that's why. [He giggles.] Fry: Now, sir, in fairness, Amy's butt is actually pretty hot. Amy: What is it with you men? Why does everything revolve around my butt? Mr. Wong: 'Cause it's so big and massive. He and Fry share a laugh.]'' Fry: Sorry. Amy: That's it! Why don't you just adopt Fry and make him the son you never had? That'll replace the daughter you don't have anymore!
 * [She grunts as she shoves her way past Bender.]

Bender: Whoa! What's with Big Butt? Mr. Wong: She just hungry. Bender: Here you go, Fry. Fry: Thanks.
 * [Bender gives Fry his phone back. There is a large antenna device sticking out of the top of it.]

Bender: Oh! FYI, I dropped that Tetris piece in the wrong place and ended the game. Fry: ''[He looks at the screen on the phone. It reads "GAME OVER."]'' No!


 * [Scene: Fry is locking up Wongminister Miniature Golf Club.]

Fry: Great! Now Amy's gonna tell Leela I'm a jerk. If only I could explain I'm on a secret mission against evil. Wait. Evil? Yeah, yeah, evil. ''[There is a tapping in the darkness. Fry shines his flashlight around.]'' What's going on in there? A scary noise? [He spots Frida hammering a protest sign into the grass.] Hey, you're one of Leela's feministas. "Save the environment! Wo-mandate Leo's retirement!" That's terrible writing! Stop making your point so ineffectively! [He tries to pull the hammer from Frida's grip.] Frida: Take your mands off of me! Fry: [He shushes her.] I'm on your side. Frida: [She shushes back.] Don't shush me. Fry: Please, can you take a message to Leela? Frida: [She quickly shushes him.] What is it? Fry: Just say her sweet goofbag is working to save the violet dwarf star, just like she is. Frida: Very well, I'll fem-municate your man-formation. Fry: [He rolls his eyes.] Just tell her.
 * [She shushes him again.]


 * [Scene: Planet Express. There is a banner on the balcony which reads "Going out of business forever! Again!"]

Farnsworth: Well, this is it, old friends. Planet Express is done for, what with our delivery crew missing and the abysmal sales of Tickle Me Bender. Bender Doll: [He doll giggles.] Quit touching my junk, pervert! Farnsworth: Hold out your hands and I'll remove your career chips. Zoidberg: I hate to see it come to an end. [His chip is removed and he screams in agony.] When will it end?
 * [Farnsworth moves on to Hermes when the phone starts to ring.]

Hermes: Shouldn't you get that, Professor? Farnsworth: I suppose. [He walks off screen, but then rushes back to remove the career chip from Hermes' hand.] Hello? Mr. Wong: Professor, old buddy, I'm gonna blow up the violet dwarf star. So I need you deliver billion-mile security fence to keep out protesters. Dirty business. Lot of money. You corrupt enough? Farnsworth: Damn skippy! [Money is dispensed from the telephone console.] Good news, crybabies! We're back in business.
 * [They both cheer and Farnsworth quickly implants their chips back. They both wail in pain. Cut to an exterior shot of Planet Express. The hangar doors open, but the ship blasts through the front entrance instead. A shot of the Violet Dwarf Star System shows the Planet Express ship approaching while making abrupt jolts left and right with Farnsworth at the helm.]

Hermes: Sweet kookaburra of Edinburgh, Professor. You sure you know how to fly this thing? Farnsworth: I invented it, didn't I? You wouldn't ask Thomas Edison whether he knew how to use a sexmatron.
 * [They all gasps as they see the Feministas' van approaching head on.]

Zoidberg: The feministas, probably.
 * ''[As they meet, the Planet Express ship skids to a stop. The van circles around and around the ship while spray painting it pink.

Leela: Halt! What are you doing in this parallelogram of space? Farnsworth: We're delivering a fence to keep you ladies in your place. [He chuckles.]
 * ''[A hole is cut through the roof of the ship and the Feministas drop through.

Zoidberg: Amy? Hermes: Labarbara? LaBarbara: That's right, husband. From now on, you make your own Manwiches. Leela: Under the articles of the confemiracy, we hereby wo-mandeer this ship. Zoidberg: Oh, no, you don't. It's three against three.
 * ''[Many other Feministas drop through a second hole and land on the the manly trio.


 * [Scene: Wong Ranch.]

Mrs. Wong: That was the greatest play I ever saw. It must have had 20 acts.
 * [Mr. Wong exits the carriage, cracks his back and gasps at what he sees in the sky. It's the Feministas approaching in their pink Planet Express ship with the fence. They drop the fence on them, trapping them in a semi-sphere.]

Leela (over Megaphone): We installed your fence, Leo Wong.
 * [Inside the ship the Feministas cheer.]

Linda: Should we shout a clever slogan? Leela: You mean something like, "The best defense is a good fence?" Linda: Yeah, something like that, only funny. Leela: I wish we could, but our chief slogan writer is back at the Honeybun Hideout.
 * [Cut to the hideout where Frida is working on protest signs.]

Frida: Does "violet dwarf" rhyme with "men are dorks"? It does through a megaphone. (Telepathically): That reminds me, I've got to tell Leela about that weirdo who wants to save the violet dwarf. Mysterious Voice: So, the Legion of Madfellows has a new pawn, eh? Frida: Is somebody here? If you're the DSL guy, you're two days late. Mysterious Voice: Who gave you that message for Leela? Frida: I don't know his name. Mysterious Voice: Then you are of no use to the Dark Ones!
 * [She is choked by seemingly nothing.]

Frida: Long lost brother, avenge my death.
 * [She chokes more and falls to the floor.]

Mysterious Voice: Where are your crappy rhymes now, Frida Waterfall? Frida: I'm dead. I'm dead. (Through megaphone): Eat only natural whole-grain brea- [She is choked more.]

''[Scene: Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Fry is locking up.]'' Fry: Six, seven, eight. Lock the gate. One, two, three. Turn the key. 30, 50, 10. [He sees Hutch.] My dirty, shifty friend? Hutch: Hey, Fry, long time.
 * [They stare at each other for a moment, then Fry is bottled by Hutch, who then opens the bottle and takes a drink. Cut to Fry waking up.]

Hutch: Welcome back to the Legion of Madfellows, man. Fry: Why'd you bonk me, you idiot? You could have just asked me to come with you. And where are we? This doesn't look like your regular dumpster. Nine: All in good time! I guess now is a good time. We are on Mars, in a forgotten cavern abandoned by the native Martians a million years ago. Fry: Actually, it was five years ago. I remember 'cause they washed my socks. Nine: You have done well, Fry. You have ingratiated yourself with Leo Wong. Fry: Yup, I kissed his ass from cheek to shining cheek. So, what do I do next? Nine: As Wong security chief, you will be on hand when he attempts to destroy the violet dwarf. You must not let that happen. Fry: [He is taking notes.] "Must let happen." Nine: Not happen! Fry: "Must let occur." Nine: Let me tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that compared to them the human race is a mere college senior! On a distant planetoid they evolved to cooperate in their quest to survive.
 * [A hologram shows a snake and a frog like creature. The frog pushes the snake up to knock a bug free from a leaf. They both eat half of the bug.]

Fry: Cooperation, because life is a team sport. '''Nine: But, over time, one species evolved a better strategy, and an evolutionary arms race began.
 * [The hologram shows the frog pushing the snake up again, but letting it drop into his mouth instead. The next hologram shows the snake countering this by inflating himself so it won't hit in the frog's mouth and crushes it. The next shows the frog countering this by using a sharp tail to pop the inflated snake. The next shows the snake countering this by growing a natural armour to defend itself from the piercing tail and then inversing its body to ingest the frog.]

Nine: That concludes the audio-visual portion of our head-clonk and lecture. Fry: Wait, what happened to the snakes and the frogs? I need to know! Nine: ''[He sighs and turns the hologram back on. He uses the light to cast shadows on the wall his his hands.]'' The frogs, or possibly the snakes, evolved into vicious killing machines, honed by the merciless forces of natural selection and intelligent design. We call these the Dark Ones!
 * [Pan over to Fry's shadow who shudders and picks his nose.]

Nine: These evil creatures preyed on all life, driving species after species to extinction. Meanwhile, however, the second species evolved to fend off the Dark Ones, befriending and protecting all other living things. Fry: Even Celine Dion? Nine: Probably. We call these noble beings the Encyclopods, because their DNA incorporates the DNA of every endangered species they encountered, so they can recreate them if they go extinct. Fry: Just as a pillow, a wig and a corncob pipe can be used to recreate my old girlfriend! Nine: Bingo.


 * [Scene: At the Feministas' hideout.]

Transition Announcer 2: Meanwhile, at the Honeybun Hideout.
 * [Hermes, Zoidberg and Farnsworth and locked up.]

Labarbara: There! Now you know how it feels to be locked up in a go-go cage. Hermes: What the hell are you talking about? Labarbara: Shut your man-hole.
 * [She presses a button. Music starts playing and coloured lights spin around the room. The three men eerily groan as they force themselves to dance.]

Hermes: I feel dirty.
 * [Cut to the other room of the cave.]

Leela: Are you sure Fry is working for your father? It just doesn't seem like him to be so evil, or to hold down a job. Amy: It's true, Leela. Cross My Heart bra and swear to Goddess. Leela: But the Fry I know wouldn't do that. I'm gonna call his cell phone telephone and prove you wrong. ''[She walks over to a phone booth and tries to open the door. The camera pans down and reveals Frida's body is blocking the door.]'' Oh, no! Frida's been murdered!
 * [The Feministas all gasp.]

Labarbara: Sweet she-cattle of Seattle. Hermes (from off screen): Not your strong suit, woman. Amy: Who could have done this? Leela: Your dad? Nixon? Amy: Fry? Leela: No, never. I don't think. Anyhow, there's a crazed murderer on the loose, possibly in the shadows or hanging from the ceiling. [They all scream.] So just stay calm while I call Fry.
 * [Leela forces the door open and stands on Frida's body while making the call. Cut to Fry talking with Nine.]

Fry: So where are the Encyclopods and the Dark Ones now? Nine: Wh-... [Hutch is cooking a can of food with the light of the hologram.] When the life-giving Chee receded, only the toughest organisms could adapt and survive, like the Dark Ones. [The Madfellows boo.] Many more died out, like the Encyclopods. But, and this is the great secret of our age, we believe they left an egg behind. Fry: Is it edible? Nine: We're not gonna eat it! Not unless we find a second one. No, Fry, we intend to hatch it! Hutch: And that's where you come in. Fry: And here I am. Nine: At long last the tide of Chee has returned, and its nourishing flow has awakened the dormant egg. Fry: That's good. Hutch: It's better than good. It's better. With its massive stash of DNA, the Encyclopod can reconstruct every species that ever went extinct. Nine: Imagine, all the animals that failed evolution's test, alive again! The dodo bird, the brittle-klutz, the striped biologist-taunter. Fry: So, where is this egg? Nine: In the violet dwarf star system. Fry: And what does it look like? Nine: A violet dwarf star! Fry: You mean, the whole star is a single... Whoa! Sci-fi. Nine: Alas! Even now, a Dark One is headed to the star to ensure its destruction. Fry: Dang! So what does this Dark One look like? Nine: [He sighs.] We don't know. I admit it's a horrifically grave situation. Hutch: Don't sugarcoat it, Nine. The Dark Ones have been evolving so long, it could be anything or anyone. Or anybody. Fry: You mean, like, people? Hutch: Any people. It will kill the egg, and every dude, woman and child who knows about it. Nine: Even our crazy caps will be useless at close range. That's why only you, with your defective unreadable brainwave, may be able to thwart them and usher in a new green age of wonder and...
 * [Fry's cell phone starts ringing.]

Fry: You're on Fry-time. Leela! Did you get my message? Leela: What message? Fry: Didn't you see Frida Waterfall? Leela: [She gasps.]So you did kill Frida Waterfall? Fry: What? No. I told her to tell you that I'm... Oh, Jeep! The Dark Ones got her. It's all true. We need to talk, Leela. Then I can explain... [Nine motions "No!"] Well, I can't explain anything, but we should talk anyway. Where are you? Leela: Oh, no. I'm not gonna expose the Honeybun Hideout. Where are you? Fry: Near the Keeler Crater on Mars. Do you know it? Leela: I, I, uh... I think I read about it.
 * [Cut to Bender, Zapp and Kif listening in on the call.]

Leela: [She is heard through a speaker on the Nimbus.] I'll meet you at the south rim in one hour. No moustaches.
 * [Leela hangs up and Bender turns off the speaker and does an evil laugh.]

Zapp: Kif, set coordinates, 36-24-36. AKA, Leela.


 * [Scene: Mars, the southern rim of the Keeler Crater.]

Fry: Ten minutes late. Ain't that just like a womanista? Leela: Psst. Are you alone? Fry: Of course, don't you trust me?
 * [The Nimbus emerges on the horizon.]

Zapp (over PA): There's no escape, Leela. If you surrender, wave your shirt in the air. Leela: Fry, you traitor! Amy (over PA): Hop onto the magnet, Leela! Leela: Okay. One, two... ''[Her boots are pulled to the magnet. She screams and Fry laughs, but he is grabbed by the ears and pulled along with her. The Planet Express ship takes off with the Nimbus chasing after it.]'' Leela: [She throws him in the go-go cage.] I can't believe you ratted me out, Fry. Fry: I'm not a rat, I swear. If I'm any rodent, it's the loyal capybara, king of the rats! No, wait.
 * [The ship is hit by a shot from the Nimbus.]

Linda: This just in, we are about to get our asses blown off. Labarbara? Labarbara: That's right, Linda. [She screams.] Amy: Stay strong, ladies. We can lose them in the giant miniature golf course. Fry: But the course isn't finished. And there's no girls allowed. Amy: Fore! [She pulls the steering wheel to the right with her club.] Zapp: So, they want to play mini golf, eh? Two can play at that game. Or even four, depending on the number of ball colors available.
 * [Bender and Kif sigh at the same time.]

Zapp: I choose pink. Kif: That's their color, sir. Zapp: The hell it is. Leela: They're gaining on us. We need a birdie on the windmill hole. Amy: Wait. Wait. Drop the boot!
 * [They make it through and everybody cheers.]

Kif: Sir, at our present speed, the computer predicts a 100% chance we'll be sliced in half. We'll never make it. Zapp: Not with that attitude, we won't. Same speed ahead!
 * [The Nimbus is sliced in half by a blade of the windmill. The trail of smoke is polluted by bodies of suffocating soldiers.]

Zapp: We made it through, Kif. How many men did we lose? Kif: All of them. Zapp: Well, at least they won't have to mourn each other. Seal the airlocks, and draw the shades. Resume shooting. Fry: Oh, no! The gorilla! That's a par-four!
 * [Everybody screams.]

Leela: The mouth's too dangerous. I'm going for the nose. Amy: Don't be a sucker. You won't come out anywhere near the hole. You need to aim for the jaws just when they start to close. Leela: Start to close? Are you out of your...
 * [Amy holds up her magazine cover of herself on Mini-Golf Digest. Leela aims for the mouth and makes it through.]

Leela: We made it! Zapp: Captaining 101. Go for the nose.
 * [The ship enters the right nostril and exits the left then rams into the banana. Everybody is thrown to the floor and a fire starts.]

Bender: My arms are broken, I'll never paint again. [He starts crying.] Kif: You can't sue the military. Bender: I'm okay then. Zapp: Damage report. Kif: We lost all remaining food and oxygen, Captain. As well as our XM Radio antenna. Zapp: Then this chase is over. Kif, set course for the nearest XM repair facility. Meanwhile, we shall sing top hits from the '80s. Kif: Which '80s, sir? Zapp: For me, there are only one '80s. [The ships slowly heads away from the chase.] (VO): Smell like I sound, [Kif groans.] I'm lost and I'm found. [Kif groans.]And I'm hungry like the wolf.
 * [Cut back to the Planet Express ship traversing the mini-golf pipe. Everybody screams while in the yellow tube.]

Hermes: The shot was too good! We're jamming straight for the hole. Zoidberg: We're gonna crash, even. Amy: Shmeesh, shmill out, shmeverybody. It's a wormhole hole. Farnsworth: Of course, a wormhole! We'll simply disappear and reappear in a... [They enter the wormhole.] ...nother part of the universe. Amy: We made it! Farnsworth: Uh, whaa...
 * [The occupants of the ship cheer, but are silenced after they realize they are right back with the Nimbus.]

Leela: Crud nuggets! We de-spaced right next to the Nimbus. Zoidberg: Just when you think the chase is over, it gets twice as exciting!
 * [The three comrades are sitting in the bridge, Bender still humming "Hungry Like a Wolf" by Duran Duran, when he spots the opposing ship.]

Bender: Hey, look at that. Zapp: Well, well, well. My bloodhound-like instincts must have hunted them down while my other parts were throbbing to Duran Duran. Kif: Shall I initiate a pointless and potentially fatal pursuit? Zapp: Make it so. Bender: It's gonna be fun on a bun, in space.
 * [The Nimbus starts up and takes off from the XM repair station, severely damaging it. The Planet Express ship flies by the Violet Dwarf Star System and observes the life on it.]

Leela: Look! The asteroid. Now it's crawling with life. Like Zoidberg's sandals! Fry: Wow! It's incredible. Leela: But it'll be destroyed when Leo Wong blows up the violet dwarf. So why are you helping him? Fry: I can't tell you, Leela. You just have to trust me. Leela: You keep saying that, but you have to give me something to go on or I...
 * [An alarm goes off.]

Planet Express Ship Alarm: Out of whale oil. Out of whale oil. Leela: [She gasps.] The out-of-fuel indicator. It's indicating. Zoidberg: Say, what's that violet-colored dwarf-like star thing we're drifting into? Leela: The violet dwarf star! Fry: Of course. The gorilla was the 18th hole, so we're headed into the ball return. Zoidberg: Aye, what else now can go wrong?
 * [The ship shakes and there is a loud crash.]

Zapp: [on the monitor] Ladies, you're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again. Petunia: He'll never take me alive. [She starts hacking up smoke.] Leela: Don't give up yet. I've got one more trick up my sleeve. Amy: That's exactly the number we need.
 * [Cut to Kif and Zapp. They leap from the Nimbus and float down to the Planet Express ship. They settle at the window of the ship.]

Zapp: Ah, the fairer sex.
 * [Fry, Zoidberg, Hermes and Farnsworth are dancing in the go-go cage.]

Zapp: Something's very wrong here, and yet a little bit right.
 * [Guns are cocked.]

Leela (off-screen): Not so fast, Brannigan. [All nine of them have guns.] Bender (off-screen): Even less fast, feministas! [He has a gun that controls nine other guns.]
 * [They all gasps.]

Leela: Bender? Bender: All two tons of me.


 * TO BE CONTINUED...


 * [Closing Credits.]