Transcript:In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela


 * [Opening Credits.]
 * [Title Screen: "The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan - Brought to You by Bartley's Rocket Wax"]

Transition Announcer: And now, The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan! Brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax. Zapp: [coming out of the Bartley's Rocket Wax logo] I wax my rocket every day.
 * [Scene: A crummy looking black and white old sci-fi scene of a cardboard version of the Planet Express Ship being chased by an even crummier looking cardboard version of the Nimbus.]
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the fake Planet Express ship, where an actress playing Leela, an actor playing Fry, and an actor playing Bender, are held captive by an Asian villain.]

Emperor Chop Chop: No one can save you now, Leela. Leela Actress: Well, what about Zapp Brannigan? Emperor Chop Chop: Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan can save you, but— [the door opens and Zapp, portraying himself, walks in] Zapp Brannigan! Zapp: So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again we meet at last! Drop that space gun or I'll shoot! Like so! [shoots the villain and unties the actress portraying Leela] Leela Actress: Oh, Zapp! Tie me back up and ravish me! Zapp: I'd like to, Leela. So I will.
 * [Zapp kisses the actress passionately.]
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the Lovenasium. Zapp is seen in his bed caressing his pillow until Kif approaches him.]

Zapp: Ooh, yeah, shake it, baby. Shake it like— [Kif taps him and he wakes up] I surrender and volunteer for treason! Kif: [saluting] Emergency summons from the President, captain. Zapp: Oh, it's you. Just let me freshen up. [gets out of bed] Computer, captain's musk.
 * [A mechanical arm carrying perfume drops the ceiling. Nothing happens.  Kif moans and sprays the musk onto Zapp.]
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of the White House at night. The camera pans down to a tube with an elevator underground that leads to an identical White House.]
 * [Scene: Interior shot of the elevator. Zapp and Kif exit and walk down a long hallway.]

Zapp: The long dramatic corridor. That's never a good sign.
 * [Zapp puts his glove onto a scanner.]

Scanner: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower.
 * [The doors open to reveal President Richard Nixon's Head with a secret service agent in a meeting room with a huge monitor. Zapp and Kif enter saluting.]

Zapp: Mr. President, what the hell? Nixon: At ease, Brannigan.
 * [Zapp stops pushing in his big gut.]

Nixon: What you're about to see is highly classified. Reptillicus, hit the thingy.
 * [Kif goes to a chair with a machine and activates it, which powers on the monitor showing an orange planet being attacked.]

Nixon: [with a laser pointer in his mechanical hand] At 0000 hours, Planet XXX was attacked by a mysterious death sphere. [points to the death sphere] Zapp: [pointing to the death sphere with another laser pointer] Magnify that death sphere. [the image is magnified] Why's it still blurry? Kif: That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer. Zapp: It does on CSI: Miami.
 * [Kif moans]

Nixon: They fought back with advance military hardware, but it was like shooting BB's at Bebe Rebozo. Zapp: That poor brave hardware. Nixon: The sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray. Erased that planet like eighteen minutes of incriminating tape. Zapp: Oh, I just wish I understood why. Why I should care. Nixon: Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth! Rowrowooooooo!!
 * [The monitor shows the Solar System and the death sphere's destination.]

Zapp: My god, we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel. Nixon: Options? Zapp: My instinct is to hide in this barrel. [camera cuts to reveal Zapp doing so] Like the wily fish. Nixon: [sighs] Then we're down to our last hope. A radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist I once dismissed as crazy.
 * [Scene: Exterior shot of Planet Express building. We can hear Farnsworth laughing like a madman.]
 * [Scene: Interior shot of laboratory and closeup of Farnsworth doing so.]

Farnsworth: Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon! [camera zooms out to reveal he is actually speaking to Nixon and the entire Planet Express crew] The correct answer is: very. Nixon: Alright, Professor. Sock it to me! Farnsworth: Top secret news, everyone! I've developed a tiny one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable. Zapp: [coming out of a barrel] How undetectable? Farnsworth: It's right in front of you. Zapp: [walking toward a semmingly empty space] I find that—OW! [bumps into something]—to believe.
 * [Farnsworth hits a button revealing the now visible ship as everyone looks in amazement.]

Bender: But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy gonna destroy a giant death sphere? Farnsworth: From within. This ship should be able to sneak undetected through the sphere's one vulnerable opening. Hermes: What vulnerable opening? Farnsworth: All death spheres have one vulnerable opening. Zoidberg: Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a "death sphere"? NIxon: I say Brannigan. Zapp: [saluting] I say no. Leela: I say me. Nixon: I say Leela. Leela: I say yes. Fry: I say no. Zapp: I say Leela, too. Leela: I say yes again. Zapp: I say I shall join her. Leela: But it's only a one-man craft...I say. Zapp: There'll only be one man. Me. How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner? Leela: Creeped out. Zapp: Then it's decided'''.
 * [Scene: The next day. Close up on a sign that reads "Cape Knievel Flight Test Center.  The camera pans down to reveal a plane resembling the old toy wooden airplanes and a Da Vinci style flying machine flying by.  On the ground is the entire Planet Express ship crew with Zapp, Kif and Nixon's head around the ship.]

Leela: [stepping into the ship] Are you sure I have to sit in your lap? Zapp: It'll help us achieve maximum thrust.
 * [Leela and Kif moan.]

Fry: [giving Leela a bag of trail mix] I made you some trail mix for the flight. [Leela takes it as Fry picks up a huge painting of himself in a robe smoking a pipe] Also this picture to remember me by. Leela: You hold on to it. [kisses him] I'll be back soon. Farnsworth: [scoffs] Activate stealth shielding.
 * [Farnsworth hits a button and the ship becomes invisible while Leela and Zapp remain visible.]

Leela: Liftoff! Zapp: I'll rodger that. Fry: Did anyone else feel aroused and jealous and worried? Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.
 * [They take off as everyone watches.]
 * [Scene: Outer space. The ship takes off with Leela and Zapp. Leela presses a few buttons.]

Leela: Death sphere in range. Engaging holographic targeting. [presses a button and a hologram of the sphere comes up] Activating the Force.
 * [presses a button that shows the where the vulnerable opening is]

The Force: [a la Obi-Wan Kenobi] Feel the entrance, Leela. Destination on your left in... [monotone] zero point three [regular voice] miles.
 * [the ship flies down and across the death sphere, which is equipped with many satellite dishes, cameras, and cell towers]

Zapp: Zapp to Leela: look at all that surveillance equipment. Leela: [whispering] We better whisper. Zapp: Switching to pillow talk mode.
 * [They fly over giant letters.]

Leela: Look. What are those huge letters?
 * [The camera cuts to reveal that the letters spell out the word "V-GINY".]

Zapp: "V-Giny?" Doesn't ring a bell.
 * [Cut to: Telescope view of the death sphere.]

Farnsworth (v.o.): Hmmm....
 * [Scene: Planet Express meeting room. Farnsworth is looking through the giant telescope.]

Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this "V-Giny." Does anyone recognize those call letters?
 * [Hermes searches through different ship designs on the holographic projector.]

Hermes: Nope. It's not in the Janeway's Guide either. Farnsworth: Deciphering that ID code is critical. I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding.
 * [A glass dome is lowered over Farnsworth. A small disco ball is lowered from that.  We hear muffled disco music coming from the chamber as the Professor taps his foot to the boogie beat.]
 * [Scene: The death sphere. Zapp and Leela approach the entrance.]

Leela: This is it! The moment we should've trained for!
 * [Leela pushes the control stick forward. When they get into the vulnerable opening, they are surrounded by black goo as well as many televisions showing such programs as √2 News, Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, a Slurm commercial, a Torgo's Executive Powder commercial, and All My Circuits.  In the center of the sphere, a machine is firing black goop at some television screens including one showing "All My Circuits" and one showing a Slurm commercial.]

Leela: Holy cr—
 * [Before Leela can finish the phrase, the death sphere detects their presence and shoots.]

Zapp: Incoming yucky! Leela: Firing pocket rocket!
 * [Leela pushes a button on the invisible control stick, which launches a rocket from the bottom. The rocket gets into the black goop, bubbles and disappears.]

Zapp: Don't panic, Leela! Go go go go go!
 * [They fly away as fast as they can from the second black goop attack.]

Leela: I hope this is the control stick!
 * [They escape from the goo, but the ship somehow goes out of control.]

Zapp: Captain's Log: We've lost control. Addendum: Whoooaa-oooooaa-ooaaaah!!!