Transcript:Bender's Big Score

[An owl flies over the planet express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]

Hermes (VO): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!

[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]

Leela: Here!

Hermes (VO): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!

[Nibbler spits out Fry]

Fry: Here!

Hermes (VO): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!

Bender: Here! [Falls on Fry and Leela from above] Cerveza, por favor.

[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]

Hermes (VO): Long-term intern, Amy Wong.

Amy [While combing her long hair]: Here!

[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]

Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.

[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]

Zoidberg: What? I thought it was mine!

Hermes (VO): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad

Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!

[Hermes steps out of the way]

Farnsworth: You're all fired.

Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!

Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.

[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]

Farnsworth (VO): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our License.

[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]

Fry: We were canceled?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.

[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]

Farnsworth: Yes? I see.

[Farnsworth hangs up]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.

Staff: Woohoo!

Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.

Staff: Woo!

Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.

Staff: Woo? [Bender laughs]

Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.

Fry: Why?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.

[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder” in his trousers]

Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.

[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]

Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?

Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!

[The staff look at him blankly]

Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!

Staff: Woooohoooo!

Bender: We're back, baby!

[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]

All: Party! Go, go, go!

Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!

Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?

Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.

All: Hooray.

Fry: Way to bend it!

Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!

Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.

Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.

Staff: Ooooohh...

[Hermes rips off his shirt]

Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabers.

[Fry and Leela fetch down one of them sabers hanging above a fireplace]

Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.

[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican style tune as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]

Hermes: Lower.

[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly]

Bender: The fat guy wins!

Fry: Go, Hermes!

Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.

[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck.]

Scruffy: Oh, no.

[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.][An ambulance goes down the street, followed by the opening credits]

[Main title: It just won't stay dead!]

Featuring:

Phillip J. Fry [Fry looks at the screen and smiles, one of his teeth fall out]

Turanga Leela [Leela blows smoke off a laser]

Bender Rodriguez [Bender rides up a cliff on a horse]

Amy Wong [Amy dances to the Futurama theme]

Dr. John Zoidberg [Zoidberg clicks his claws to the Futurama theme]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth [Farnsworth looks around, then walks offscreen]

Hermes Conrad [Hermes stamps a big "File under: RENEWED" stamp onto the screen]

And introducing Zylex [A yellow monster with big yellow teeth is shown]

[Scene: Head museum]

Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?

Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.

[Hermes head is sitting on a pedestal]

Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blond bimbo's on duty.

Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blond and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.

Zoidberg: Tell me about it.

Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!

Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!

[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]

Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.

Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?

Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.

Leela: Oh. Do I know you?

Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.

Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.

Lars: Nice to be met.

Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!

Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!

[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]

Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.

Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.

Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?

Leela: No. Stop being so immature.

Fry: I'll show her who's immature.

Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.

De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and...

[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]

Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.

Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!

[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]

LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!

Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all--

LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.

Hermes: He has a daddy!

LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?

Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.

LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.

Hermes: LaBarbara, no!

Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.

Staff: Woohoo!

Bender: So long, jerk.[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.

Fry: That's not the wheel.

[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]

Leela: It's nice out.

[The crew starts stripping down]

Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?

Zoidberg: Watch and learn.

[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]

[Fry gags][Scene: Nude beach crowded with all maner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]

Bender: You know, it's funny.

Fry: What?

Bender: Your wiener!

Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?

Amy: I'm in!

Leela: I'm in.

Bender: Yeah, I'll go.

Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]Fry: Here's your package, sir.

Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?

Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.

Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?

Fry: Well, that's not a...

[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]

Fry: And initial here. [screams again OC]

Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.

Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.

Fry: Me neither.

Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.

Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.

[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]

[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]

Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.

Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?

Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.

Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.

Bender: Really? Down with those guys!

Flebb: And we'll need your e-mail address.

Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.

Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.

Bender: Them again?

[Bender signs "bender@ilovebender.com" under "awong76@marslink.com" and "zoidberg@freemail.net"]

[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]

Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.

Schlump: Animals?

[Leela signs the petition]

Schlump: And your e-mail address.

Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?

Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.

[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]

Leela's wrist thing: You've got spam.

Leela: Spam, spam, junk. The very last pygmy rhino is going extinct? Unless it gets my credit card number?

Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.

Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.

Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.

Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number.

[Amy takes out a wad of cash]

Amy: Is cash okay?

[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash]

[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]

Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. [reading] Scientists at West Johnson Pornoversity need test subjects to rate top quality roborotica. Ooh, top-quality.

[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]

Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.

[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]

Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.

[An obedience virus downloads itself into bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]

[Zoidberg scuttles in]

Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.

Amy: That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?

Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.

[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]

Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?

Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.

[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]

Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.Hermes: I am here!Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!

[Scene: conference table.]

Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phony Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phony. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phony. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?

Leela: No, it's a scam!

Farnsworth: Yes, yes, a scam. My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.

Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!

Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.

Amy: No, don't!

Leela: It's a scam!

Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?

Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!

[Door bell rings]

Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?

Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.

[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]

Farnsworth: Hwhaa?

Bender: I'll deal with these guys. Welcome, boss.

Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.

Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. [Bender imitates trumpet sounds] Presenting our new masters!

[Scene: Planet express hangar, it looks like an office now]

Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?

Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!

Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.

Amy: Yeah!

Fry: Yeah!

Leela: Hi-yah!

[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]

[Bender chuckles]

Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads ofquote-unquote merchandise to deliver.

[Flebb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]

Flebb: Ship them out, Your Highness.

Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.

[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]

Amy: I feel a little better.

[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]

Bender: Those marvelous scammers sure scammed us, huh?

Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?

Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.

[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]

Lars: Greetings, earthlings.

Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.

Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.

Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?

Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: It's a fake place.

Hermes: Cut to the chase, baldy. When do I get my me back?

Lars: Well, it could be months, or even years.

Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?

Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.

Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.

Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.

[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]

Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.

Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.

Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.

Amy: No, Leela will show him out.

Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.

[Scene: Planet Express door]

Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?

Leela: Nope.

Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.

Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"

Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.

[Both chuckle]

Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00?

Leela: Okay.

[Back at the lounge...]

Fry: It's no fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?

Amy: Yes.

Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.

Leela: Lars asked me out!

[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]

[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]

Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?

Schlump: Sprunjing for information.

[Nudar sprunjes a wall]

Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!

Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!

[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]

Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?

Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?

Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?

Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.

Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.

[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]

[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]

Bender: Hey, look, a safe!

Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.

Nudar: No callsies! Open it!

[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]

Flebb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!

[The nudists start moaning]

[Fry and Leela enter]

Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?

Leela: Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn't have the Hulk on it.

[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]

Nudar: Who are you?

Fry: Philip J. Fry.

Flebb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?

Fry: That's right.

Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.

[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]

Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.

Nudar: It's in his pants!

Fry: What the hell are you talking about?

[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tatoo of Bender smoking a cigar]

[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]

Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]: Faster, faster!

Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.

[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]

Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?

Nudar: I'm not seeing any information. Do more things!

[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]

Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.

Bender: Who the hell is he?

Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.

[Pullback to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]

"God": Huh?

[A green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender]

Flebb: A time sphere.

Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!

Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?

Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.

Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.

Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!

[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]

Nibbler: Stop, you fools!

[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]

Amy: What's going on?

Farnsworth: What is happening?

Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?

Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.

Amy: Oh, he's so adorable.

Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.

Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.

Nibber: But even a single use could shatter the universe!

Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.

Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!

[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]

???: Hey! That tickles.

Nudar: And the pitch!

[Nudar grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]

Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!

Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Nibblonian: Scamper!

[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown with it", then hits a wall and explodes]

Zoidberg: Aawww...

Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!

Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?

Nibbler: Dooooooomed!

[Scene: Exterior PE]

[Scene: Interior PE, Farnsworth's lab]

Nudar: Stand back you wing wangs. I'm gonna try out this timesphere with a quick test drive to yesterday.

Farnsworth: Bushwah. You can't go mucking about in the past without creating paradoxes.

Nibbler: I'm afraid he can. It's a paradox correcting time code. It all works perfectly. Except when it rips open the universe. Don't do it, I beg you ...

[Nudar steps into the time sphere, Nibbler's voice fades out and everything outside is in slow motion]

Nudar: Yesterday please, and make it snappy.

Crew: wha???

[Door whooshes open off screen]

Nudar: Hello.

Nudar': Howdy.

Bender: Hey! What the ...?

[Crew gasps]

Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two.

Nudar: Nothing gets past you eagle eye. I went back to last night and met the me of that time for a drink. One thing led to another and we ended up at my place, or should I say our place.

[Nudar and Nudar' "kiss"]

Leela: Blech.

Nudar: Oh come on ya bunch of prudes.

Farnsworth: This isn't merely revolting, it's impossible to boot. I know a paradox when I see one.

[Farnsworth leans back on the smelloscope. A screw pops out and the scope crushes Nudar'.]

Farnsworth: Whaaa?

[Crew Gasps]

Farnsworth: Ahh, paradox resolved. Someone get a mop.

[scene: a stack of domed houses. Dwight rings a door bell marked "Conrad". ]

Dwight: You're looking well pops.

Hermes: How can you look me in the eye 'n eye and say that? I'm nothin' but a brain. A useless, filthy brain.

Barbados Slim (OS): You forgot lice infested.

Hermes: I didn't forget it, I just chose not to .... [gasps] Barbados Slim! What are you doin' here? IS there somethin' goin' on between you two?

LeBarbara: Oh no no no no, we jus' ah happened to run into each other shortly after your accident.

Slim: And every night since then.

[Slim and LeBarbara laugh.]

LeBarbara: you're so crazy.

Hermes: Woman! No! Ohh, who am I kiddin'? Without my body, I'm a nobody.

LeBarbara: I'm sorry Hermes. But look at Barbados. You can't argue with those luscious pecks.

Hermes: No I can't. But I can ask him to stop wiggling them in my face.

Slim: I'm not wiggling them. They do that by themselves.

[scene: PE building interior]

Nudar: I think I'll go back in time and steal the Liberty Bell before it cracked. Or is the crack the valuable part?

Farnsworth: I don't know you naked crook.

Fleb: [reading from "A Brief History of Time Travel"] We have a problem Nudar. It's a one way time code. It can take us to the past, but it can't bring us back to the present.

Bender: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Masters, if I might, let me do the stealing. I'll go to the past and snatch everything I can get my greasy mitts on. Then, as a robot, I could just wait it out for a few centuries in the limestone cavern beneath this building. Oh, it'll be ever so much fun.

Nudar: Hey, that's perfect. We sit back and let dum dum here do the stealing.

Bender: Dum dum away. Zero zero one one ....

[Nibbler gasps as Bender finishes reciting the time code. The time sphere appears and Bender jumps into it. A moment later, a trap door in the floor open and Bender emerges carrying a painting.]

Leela: The Mona Lisa!

Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished.

Schlump: Davinci give you any trouble?

Bender: Let's just say he may not make it to the last supper. Hahahahahaha.

Farnsworth: Preposterous twaddlecock. Time travel is impossible.

Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself, remember, when we went back to Roswell?

Farnsworth: That proves nothing. And furthermore, you'd think I'd remember a thing like that. Plus, who are you anyway?

Bender: Man, this is fun on a bun. Here I go again.

Nibbler: Oh no you don't.

[Bender recites the time code]

[Scene: Egypt, 1351 BC - pan from Ramses' tomb, pyramids in the background, to 4 Egyptians carrying a sarcophagus. The time sphere appears and Bender steps out]

Bender: Scarab, four arm, bird, bird, bird.

[Subtitle: drop the sarcophagus]

[Scene: PE building, Bender emerges from the trap door holding a artifact over his face]

Bender: Boo! Hahahaha. Naw, it's just me, Bender.

[Scene: Exterior, of PE building. Cut to Professor's lab.]

Farnsworth: I must tell you Hedonismbot, I hate to sell my doomsday devices to a private collector. But with my business stolen I have to make ends meet. You will be careful?

Hedonismbot: I shan't touch them until I've had Jumbie lock the absinthe and ether away. Ohhhh, what does this one do?

[Hedonismbot picks up one that looks like a lava lamp]

Farnsworth: Uh, that one kills everything everywhere.

[Hedonismbot drops the device which rolls off the shelf. Sound of glass braking]

Hedonismbot: How delightful. And this one?

[Hedonismbot holds up the spheroboom]

Farnsworth: Sir! The sphereoboom is not for sale.

[Farnsworth places the sphereoboom into a satchel and handcuffs it to his wrist.

Farnsworth: It's my sentimental favorite.

Hedonismbot: No need to explain. I too have known unconventional love. Perhaps you and I, and Jumbie, could get together and compare notes sometime, eh?

[Farnsworth blushes and chuckles.]

[Scene: Sweden, 2308, Sweedledome - cut to interior of an Auditorium with a banner "Nobel Prizes 2308]

MC: ... resulting in peace between east and west coat rappers ...

[The roof caves in]

MC: Good god!

[Bender in a flying saucer crashes down. Bender grabs the Nobel prize and check]

Bender: I accept this Nobel peace prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skål!

[Bender takes off, audience claps. Cut to exterior of Sweedledome, Bender crashes out through roof in a different place. Cut to city scene - three fighter air craft pursue Bender, guns firing. Bender's flying saucer takes a hit, rocking it.]

Bender: Not so neutral now, are you Sweden?

[Bender presses a button marked "Activate Decoys". Six duplicate saucers fan out behind his. Cut to interior of Applied Cryogenics, Fry frozen in his tube, old New York outside of window. Flying saucers fly over blasting everything in sight. Bender laughs maniacally.]

[Scene: Leela's eye. Pull back, Leela is applying Torgos Executive Power eyeliner, She, Fry, and Hermes' head are on the couch in the PE lounge.]

Leela: Be honest with me. Does my eye look monstery? I don't want to look monstery for my date with Lars.

Hermes: At least a monster has a body. What I wouldn't give for Wolfman's torso, or any of the groovy ghoulies.

Leela [looking at Lars' business card]: Ohh, I think I'll wear that slutty dress I've been saving for easter.

Fry [taking the card from Leela]: I'd like to punch Lars right in his ruggedly good looking face.

[Scene: Farnsworth is sleeping on a couch, clutching the satchel containing the spheroboom. The aliens look in the door.]

Nudar: Like all rich people, we're gonna need weapons to shoot poor people.

Schlump: In self defense?

Nudar: Yes, that too. Bender, go steal the doomsday device chained to the professors wrist.

Bender: Never! Ha ha, I'm kidding. You guys know I have to do whatever you say.

Nudar: Here, swap this for the real one.

Bender: Ahhh! The old switcheroo.

Nudar: Yes, but don't wake him. You'll need jeweler's tools and foot cup silencers.

Bender: Hey, I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do. Bender knows when to use finesse.

[scene: Nudar, door opens to reveal Bender with the satchel, a severed hand still attached to the handcuff, and a bloody hacksaw.]

Bender: Here ya go.

Nudar: Put it in the safe, clanky.

[Scene: Bender at the safe. Take hand and discards it. Sounds of breaking glass and slap.]

Zoidberg [OC]: Owww!

Bender: Wheeeeeeee.

[Scene: exterior Dr. Zoidberg's office door]

Zoidberg [voice over]: It's the damdest thing ...

[Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office where he's sewing Farnsworth's hand back on.]

Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgecicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tuckus.

Farnsworth: Yes, well, these things happen. Fortunately the sphereoboom is still safe.

[Opens satchel which contains a rose with a tag that reads "you've been scammed sweetheart"]

Farnsworth: Scammed? Me!? Sweetheart?!? Ohh!

[Throws satchel. Cut to hallway outside of office, Bender catches the satchel in his compartment and laughs.]

Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?

Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.

Herems: Hmmm.

[Scene: PE lounge]

Hermes: All I'm askin' is for you to go back in time to when I still had my body and bring it back for me.

Bender: What do I do with your old head?

Hermes: I don't care in the slightest.

Bender: [brandishing bloody hack saw] Can do!

[Scene: Zoidberg's office, Hermes' decapitated body is sitting on the gurney. Zoidberg shakes Torgo's Executive Powder into a bowl]

Hermes: Come on, mon!

Zoidberg: [pouring some liquid from Hermes' jar into the bowl] Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.

Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. [looking down] What are those?

[Pull back to reveal Hermes' head is on backwards]

Hermes: You incompetent crab!

Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.

Herems: Grrrrrr....

[Scene: exterior of Zoidberg's office. Door opens and Zoidberg rushes out whooping, followed by an angry Hermes.]

[Scene: Farnsworth's lab, Farnsworth is using the finglonger to point to the equation E=9.87sin(2B)-7.53cos(B)-1.5sin(B) (which is really the Equation of Time for correcting sundials) on a black board.]

Farnsworth: I believe this paradoicality equation to be unsolvable, ergo time travel is impossible. But I can't quite prove it, Bubblegum. Perhaps you and your razzle dazzle Globetrotter calculus could ...

Bubblegum: [interrupting] Looks pretty damn solvable to me, Farnsy. Sweet Clyde, use variation of parameter and expand the Wronskain.

[Passes chalk to Sweet Clyde who dribbles the chalk up to the board while the other Globetrotters whistle. Clyde writes an equation under the original then passes the chalk to the other trotters.]

Farnsworth: Shizz, baby. So paradox free time travel is possible after all.

Bubblegum: Right on. But dig this multiplicand here.

Farnsworth: The doom field? That must be what corrects the paradoxes.

Sweet Clyde: But that momma rises exponentially. It could rupture the very fabric of causality.

Nibbler: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

[Nibbler gets kicked by Zoidberg who runs in, followed by Hermes. Hermes makes a wrong turn and collides with the black board and falls to the floor, gasping for breath.]

Farnsworth: Hermes, you got your body back. Hurrah!

Hermes: Yes, but not the original. Bender went back in time and picked up a copy.

Bubblegum: A copy! Funky cold medina. According to this equation, a time travel duplicate results in a complex denominator in the causality ratio.

Sweet Clyde: Oh Snap! You know what that means.

Hermes: I can guess. Actually, I can't guess.

Bubblegum: Prof, you got a doom meter in this lab.

[Fansworth picks up a device and scans Hermes. The device buzzes and chirps like a Geiger counter].

Farnsworth: [looking at doom meter showing nearly 1000 millidooms] Good Lord Bubblegum. The duplicate body is emitting doom at ten times the back ground level.

Bubblegum: I thought as much. A duplicate body is always doomed. It's just a matter of time.

Hermes: I don't care. I just need it long enough to bird dog in an win LeBarbara back.

Bubblegum: Best bird dog fast my brother.

Hermes: That the way I bird dog best.

[Scene: Elzars. Leela and Lars are at a table. Lars is holding a glass to Leela's mouth on a spoon as Leela laughs.]

Lars: Drink, quick. I can't balance it much longer.

Leela: Wait .. I .. [Leela drinks]

Lars: Yes!

Leela: This is so much fun Lars. Most men are intimidated by the fact that I could kill them with the flick of my wrist.

Lars: Well not me. 'Cause if you do, you'll be stuck with the check.

Elzar: [with a spice weasel] Folks, care for a little fresh ground executive?

Leela: Please.

Elzer: Bam!

[Elzar yanks the spice weasel which emits a puff from it's nose onto Leela's dinner. A pink cloud forming a pair of interlocking hearts float up in front of Leela, framing their faces as they smile at each other.]

Elzar: Don't get excited kids, this thing's got heart shaped nostrils. Want to see it make a star?

[Elzar turns the spice weasel around and lifts it's tail.]

Leela and Lars: No!

[Montage of Lars and Leela playing outer space mini-golf, sitting in a hover car at the Cylon War Memorial at Makeout Point, and taking a soap bubble ride. In the latter, Fry, in another soap bubble with a bouquet of roses, sees Leela and Lars in an embrace. He thrown the roses away in disgust. The bubble pops and he drops screaming.]

[Scene: PE building hanger, Bender come up through the trap door with a book].

Bender: Here's your Gutenberg Bible master. Plus the Colonel's secret recipe; Chicken, Grease, Salt.

Fleb: Well, that does it. We've got every valuable object in history.

[He tosses the bible over his shoulder, hitting Fry in the head]

Fry: Owww!

Nudar: Hmm. Now that I'm rich I suddenly care if the universe gets destroyed. We can't use that dangerous time code again. Blank it from the robot's memory.

[Fleb holds up a head cleaner cassette. Bender opens his mouth]

Bender: Ahhhhh.

Nudar: [looking at Fry] I'll vaporize this guy so his ass doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

Fry: Why don't you just remove my tattoo?

Nudar: Nice try. But you might have memorized it.

Fry: No I mighn't. I can't even remember my mother's maiden name.

Nudar: It's Gliesner.

[Nudar shoots at Fry who jumps out of the way, blowing up a statue behind him]

Fry: [running] Stupid naked aliens. Stupid Lars. I hate the future.

[Fry runs through the lounge where Amy is sleeping on the couch, laser blasts are flying over head. He backs up and picks up a hand mirror that is laying next to the TV.]

Fry: Hmmmm!

[More laser shots. Fry whines and runs. Cut to locker room]

Bubblegum: Man, that cube root was a real buzzer beater Clyde.

[Fry bursts in, pants down, reading his butt with the mirror]

Fry: Zero. One. One. One. Zero. Zero. One. One!

[The time sphere appears. The aliens burst in]

Schlump: Blast him.

[Fry squeaks in fright and dives into the time sphere. The laser blast explodes a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.]

Bender: Ah Hah! You missed. Oh great master.

[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:30 AM. Fry appears, pants down]

Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.

Voice: (OC) Happy New Year naked weirdo.

Fry: Happy new year.

[Fry pulls up his pants.]

[Scene: PE building, hanger]

Nudar: Well, we'll never know where the ass guy went, and since we can't kill him, I say live and let live.

Bender: Aww, that's sweet boss. Fry'll be nice and cozy back in the year 2000.

Nudar: What?! How do you know he went to the year 2000?

Bender: That's where he always goes.

Nudar: Hmm. Better play it safe. Go there a little earlier and wait for him. You know what to do.

Bender: You want me to concludify him, like some sort of dispatcherator?

Nudar: Yes. And don't forget to terminate him.

Bender: Got it. Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.

Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?

Bender: It's really bright in the past.

[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:28 AM. Bender appears a la Terminator]

Bender: Ok, Fry. Come ta poppa. ... Man I'm bored. [spots beer] Ohhh!

[Bender drinks the 5 cans left in the 6 pack from SP3000]

Bender: Hey, there you are! ... Oh, wait, that's Fry before he goes to the future. I'm waiting for the one who comes back from the future. Geesh this is confusing, and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Offf. That cheap beer really goes right through you. For the first time ever, I gotta use the bathroom, but if I leave, I might miss Fry. Ohhhh unless ....

[19 second earlier]

past Bender: ... and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Huh! Ah! Wha?

future Bender: Hi, I'm you from 19 seconds in the future. Stay here and wait for Fry while I go to the bathroom.

past Bender: Ok Boss. After I kill Fry you're next.

future Bender: What?

past Bender: Nothing.

[A Bender in a tux appears from the timesphere]

past Bender: What the? Who are you?

tux Bender: I'm Bender from way at the end. I came back to put this rub-on time code on Fry's ass.

past Bender: So what are you now, a butler? Spot of tea please, jerkwad.

tux Bender: It's called class, you yokel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buttocks to tattoo.

[tux Bender places the tattoo on Fry in the cryotube. Fry appears from the timesphere.]

Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.

Voice: (OC) Happy New Year naked weirdo.

Fry: Happy new year.

[Fry pulls up his pants. Bender steps out, pointing the gun at Fry. Fry gasps]

Bender: Hasta la vista, meatbag.

Fry: Bender? What are you doing? It's me, your best friend.

Bender: Must obey orders. Ohhhhh. Mustn't kill friend. Ohhhhhh! Badly want to urinate.

Fry: What's happening? Are you urinating?

Bender: Entering auto destruct sequence. Awww crap, I hate auto destruct sequence. Explosion in seven, six, ...

[Fry kicks Bender who stumbles back into a cryotube. Fry turns the control to 1,000,000 years]

Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.

Bender: five .. hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cold day in ...

[Bender freezes in the tube]

[Scene: Fry waiting for elevator, Bender exits the restroom in time to see Fry get on the elevator.]

Bender: Hey ... so the game of cat and mouse begins, huh? Let us match wits. .... Ohhhh, how am I supposed to find him? All those times he blabbed on and on about his life in the twentieth century. If only I'd paid the slightest bit of attention. Oh well, guess I'd better go kill myself.

[Scene: exterior New York City, sounds of crowds partying. Pan to telephone booth, a fan man sitting on the curb in front of it. In side the booth, a drunk is on the phone.]

Drunk: Hello, bartender? I have thought it over, and far from being a fat pig, you are very nice and I would like another drink ...

[Bender throws the drunk out of the phone booth]

Bender: Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. [taps foot] Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down.

[Bender scans the Fry page in the telephone book]

Bender: One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you.

Fat Man: My name is Philip Fry. Where's my present.

Bender: Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly.

Fat man: Oh no, I've always been this ugly.

Bender: Huh. Let me see your ass. ... No tattoo, Ok, you can go.

Fat man: Farewell sir.

[Scene: Michelle and the blond guy from SP3000 are in bed. Bender bursts in. Michelle screams.]

Bender: Say your prayers, Fry.

Michelle: This isn't Fry. I kicked Fry out two hours ago. This is my new boyfriend ... uhhh ...

Constantine: Constantine.

Michelle: Really? That's a dumb name. Ewwww.

Bender: Hmmm, could be a trick. Let me see your ass, Constantine. ... Ohh, nice, now I see why she left Fry.

[Scene: row of houses. Bender rings the door bell. The same fat man answers, screams, and drops his pants.]

Bender: Ok, you're still clean. I mean metaphorically.

[Scene: Bender is walking down the street checking off names on page from the telephone book. He wads it up and tosses it in a dumpster.]

Bender: He must have left the city. Man, this could take all day.

[Scene: 11 Months later, Florida, 2008. Election workers are counting ballots behind two bins labeled "Gore" and "Bush".]

Phil: The returns are looking good Mr. Gore.

Al Gore: Thanks Phil. Here's to four years of clean air, clean government, and amazing new technologies such as ...

[Bender bursts through the door, gun in hand]

Al Gore: ... ROBOT!

Bender: [racking pump on gun] Philip Fry?

[Al Gore points to Phil. Bender chases Phil out of the room, destroying the bin labeled "Gore" in the process.]

[Scene: USA Today with headlines Bush "Wins" and obnoxious robot still on loose.]

Narrator: Twelve years past. Then ...

[Scene: Long island shoreline, 2012]

Narrator: ... this.

[Scene: Beach with people. Bender emerges from the water]

[Scene: Bender ascending the front steps of a house and knocking on the door. Yancy Fry opens the door.]

Bender: Philip J. Fry?

Yancy: Phil, some kind of trash can here to see you. He's coming.

Philip J. Fry II: Are you made of tinker toy?

Bender: Hmmm. It's been twelve years. Maybe I'm getting taller.

Philip J. Fry II: You're not getting smarter.

Bender: Listen pipsqueak, are you Philip J. Fry or not? 'Cause if you are, I'm here to kill you.

Philip J. Fry II: I'd like to see you try.

[Bender pulls out the gun]

Philip J. Fry II: [screams] You want uncle Phil. He went the to north pole on a fishing boat.

Bender: Ahhhh! The north pole? I was just there.

[Scene: Riverfront, Brooklyn Bridge in the background. Bender approaches the "Royal Circus luxury seal clubbing cruises" booth]

Bender: One ticket to the north pole please, broom closet class. [Gasps as a bearded figure descends a boarding ramp from a ship] Fry? If only I could be sure. [The figure's pans sag, revealing the Bender tattoo] It is him, I'd recognize me, and hence him, anywhere.

[Scene: Fry flags a Chinese Checker Cab Co. cab. Bender runs after him and flags a Hybraxi.]

Bender: Follow that guy. There's an extra hundred in it for you if you follow him so close that you run him over.

Al Gore: (cab driver) Yes sir.

[Taxi peels out, hits a garage truck, and looses control - careening through traffic and crashing through a sign reading "Warning - severely warped dock" as Bender and Gore scream. The taxi launches off the upturned end of the dock, drops back down, and rolls backwards into the garbage truck, launching Bender into the sky.]

Al Gore: Dang. That hundred dollars could have bought me one gallon of gas.

[Scene: Fry's cab pulls up in front of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza. Fry pets Seymour, then enters. Bender crashes in the street a second later]

Bender: Ohhh! I lost him. People will call me a failure. [Sees Fry in a second floor window] Others however will call me the world's sexiest killing machine who's fun at parties. Fry old buddy, it's me, Bender.

[Bender fires a blast into the window. The building explodes and collapses, the fire ball quick toasting Seymour.]

Bender: Wooo! I totally killed him. [Laughs then cries]. Oh god, what have I done?

[Scene: Exterior PE Building, 3007. Cut to interior shot of Bender with gun putting on sunglasses.]

Bender: Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.

Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?

Bender: It's really bright in the past.

[Bender recites time code and disappears into the time sphere. A second later he emerges from a trap door in the floor]

Bender: [crying] Mission accomplished.

Schlump: Fry is dead?

Bender: No other robot could have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted down and killed my best friend. [cries] I'm the greatest.

[Fleb inserts the head cleaning cassette into Bender's mouth. His eyes revert to their normal appearance]

Head cleaner: Time code and obedience virus erased.

Bender: Huh?

Head cleaner: Also, fifty terabytes of porn.

Bender: Hey!

Nudar: You've got no porn, no code, and you're ugly. Let's dance.

[The aliens dance and sing. Bender spits out the head cleaner which embeds itself in Nudar's flab]

[Scene: Central Park. A picnic table with a framed photo of Fry on it]

Leela: Now it's true we'll all miss Fry.

Zoidberg: He was the only one of you who never struck me.

Leela: And we'll never see if boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age.

Bender: He wasn't and he didn't!

[Crew gasps]

Bender: Struggling alone again incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. [crys] I blew him to mush like a midget in a microwave. [crys]

Crew: gasps.

Amy: Awww, don't blame yourself Bender.

Bender: I don't blame myself, I blame all of you.

Amy: Us?! How can you possibly blame us?

Bender: It ain't easy. It just proves how great I am. [breaks down and crys] Ohhh, Fry, I'd give anything to un-murder you.

Fry: Did someone call me?

Bender: No. [gasps] Fry? [runs to Fry] But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ...

[Bender punches Fry in the stomach]

Fry: ooph!

Bender: Nope, he not a zombie.

[Crew cheers]

Lars: Welcome back Fry.

Fry: [sarcastic] Thank you Lars.

Lars: [to Leela] I .. ah ... I .. I'll see you later honey.

Farnsworth: So tell us Fry, If Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you return?

Fry: Ohh, it's an astonishing tale of incredibleness. It all began when I went back in time.

Farnsworth: Duhhh.

[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:00 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]

Fry: Hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.

Panucci: Great. I'll put you on the cover of Big Whoop magazine.

Fry: Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I have a slice?

[Panucci take a slice of pizza from the garbage and puts it on the counter]

Panucci: Help yourself. Cash up front.

[Fry pull out his wallet that only had future money in it]

Blob on bill: This note is legal tender.

Fry: (VO) Unfortunately, I had no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to find free pizza.

[scene: Cryogenics lab. Fry takes a slice of Pizza]

Fry: [groans] Ohh, ice cold.

Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me again ...

Fry: But an hour ago this pizza's still luke warm. [unzips pants and reads time code off his ass] zero zero one one zero ...

[Scene: Cryogenics lab, one hour earlier. Fry appears from the timesphere and takes a slice of pizza.]

Bender: (OC) Explosion in seven, six ...

[In background past Fry kicks Bender into the cryotube]

past Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.

Bender: Five ... hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cold day in ...

Fry: Nice kick me.

Past Fry: Thanks. What are you doing here?

Fry: One hour from now, I travel back in time for free pizza.

Past Fry: But Nibbler said not to use the time code.

Fry: Fine, Mr. responsible, don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good.

Past Fry: You pig.

Fry: Whatever.

Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me yet a third time ...

Fry: [slaps himself on the forehead] You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey money.

[Fry goes to tube #40, opens the door, and reaches around frozen Fry, touching his ass on the tattoo.]

Fry: Yuck, I touched my own butt.

[Fry slips on the overturned chair and falls into the cryotube]

[Scene: transition to Fry unthawing as in 1ACV01. Fuy pull up frozen Fry's pants just before he thaws out. Frozen Fry steps out of the tube and stretches. Fry resets the tubes for 7.95 years and pulls the door shut. transition to Fry in Central Park.]

Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know what happened.

Bender: Well, I'm glad you're alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better kill you again. Hold still.

Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See?

[Fansworth switches on a holo projector in his belt buckle which shows the equations from his lab backboard.]

Bender: What'd ya got there? Numbers?

Farnsworth: When the time code duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that includes flabby Jamaican potbellies.

Hermes: Kiss my front butt.

Fry: So my copy lives twelve years before Bender murdered him?

Bender: Brutally murdered.

Fry: I wonder what his life was like?

Scruffy: I guess we'll never know.

Zoidberg: Or will we?

Scruffy: Nope.

Narrator: They won't know, but you will. Lucky you.

[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza, January 1, 2000, 1:01 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the building]

Fry: Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.

Panucci: I know. I read about it in Big Whoop magazine.

Fry: So ... uh ... my girlfriend kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room?

Panucci: The upstairs storage? [Laughs] I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat ball hamper.

[Fade to a room outfitted as an apartment with odds and ends. Fry hangs a Family Guy 2000 calendar on the wall. Montage of Fry and Seymour biking through traffic, Fry eating lunch at his parents house, playing basketball with Yancy, and finally Fry in his apartment looking at a picture of Leela and Lars and crying. Pull back to exterior of Panucci's.]

[Scene: Central Park, New New York. Hermes is shaking Fry's hand]

Hermes: Happy Day mon. It's good to have you back.

Nibbler: Indeed, but the scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible.

[Scene: Close up of Fry screaming. Pull back to reveal Fry's apartment, he's being held down on the couch by Farnsworth, Bender, and Bubblegum Tate while Nibbler uses a laser beam like ray from his eye stalk to burn the tattoo off Fry's behind. Leela and Lars are watching the hallway through a crack in the door. The scammers are seen approaching in the hallway.]

Lars: Hurry, they're coming.

Nibbler: There, the code is gone. I save the space-time continuum and forty percent of your rectum.

Bubblegum: That's all you need.

[The scammers burst through the door, shoving Lars and Leela aside]

Nudar: I sprunje code.

Nibbler: Too late Nudar. I've wiped Fry's butt clean.

Nudar: [sniffing] We'll see about that.

[Scene: PE hanger. Fry has his pants down while Nudar hold him at gunpoint. Schlump and Fleb crawl around him sprunging.]

Fleb: Nothing boss. We sprunged his ass inside and out.

Schlump: The only information we found was a hair shaped like the number six.

Nudar: [taking hair] Give me that. [eats hair] mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time code really is gone.

Fry: Thank god. The present may stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday.

[Scene: Panucci's, 2003]

Fry: I'm sorry Leela, I can't keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose.

TV: ... and that how Bundles the monkey finally found a friend.

Fry: I miss Morbo.

TV: And finally tonight on the late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal.

Fry: Awww.

Dr. Shlivinowitz: (on TV) Leelu is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a mother, she's lost the will to eat. [offering bottle to Leelu] come on, take a sip.

Fry: I know how to make things eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life.

[Scene: New York Aquarium]

Fry: Hi, I'd like to apply for a job working with Leelu.

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Question number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals?

Fry: No, but I think they're pretty neat.

Dr. Shlivinowitz: That answers question number two. Question number three, do you know where the door is or would you prefer to be kicked out?

Fry: I don't know. I guess kicked out.

[Leelu appears over the edge of the tank next to Fry]

Fry: Hiya girl. My name's Fry, and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one thing instead of two things.

[Fry picks a fish out of a bucked and feed it to Leelu]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Holy mackerel, she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow.

Fry: If I work of less than minimum, can I start today?

Dr. Shlivinowitz: I don't see why not.

[Scene: PE building]

Morbo: (on TV) In business news, the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item of value, including ownership of this station.

Linda: (on TV) [laughs]

[A trap door opens and Morbo and Linda drop out of sight. The TV shuts off.]

Nudar: Tough times earth chumps. We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that you're unemployed.

Zoidberg: We're not unemployed ...

[Scene: Exterior of PE, the crew hold boxes of personal items as the door slams closed behind them.]

[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum. Sign reads "Going out of business sale. Wayans heads, 3 for a dollar". Cut to interior, door opens, Lars looks around and then motions to Leela.]

Lars: I love the hard museum at night. It's where I come to be alone.

Heads: Hi Lars.

Charles de Gaulle's head: Ah, Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for an old Frenchman.

Lars: You're favorite General, Torgo's Executive Powder.

de Gaulle: Mmmm. Magnifique.

Lars: Come on Leela, let me show you the hall of screaming skulls.

[Scene: an exhibit of screaming skulls.]

Leela: It's so romantic. [turns away from Lars and cries]

Lars: What's wrong? Is the screaming depressing you?

Leela: It's just ... my life is changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore.

Lars: I know who you are. You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life.

[Lars and Leela kiss.]

Leela: Let's go to my place.

[Scene: exterior Leela's apartment building. The buildings on each side of it are gone, replaced with piles of rubble. A wrecking ball swings in and demolishes Leela's building. Pull back through a chain link fence to reveal Leela and Lars.]

Lars: I ... like what you've done with it.

Leela: [reading from a sign on the fence] "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"?

Nudar: That would be us, dump cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private panda hunting reserve.

Leela: There aren't any Pandas in New New York.

Schlump: Back it up, Sal.

[A dump truck backs in and dumps a load of Pandas. Leela scowls]

[Scene: NNY skyline, snow is falling. Pan down to an alley where the crew stands around a barrel with rubbish burning in it.]

Amy: Look at us, living like trash eating bums in an alley now.

Zoidberg: Yes. Now.

Tiny Tim: And on Xmas eve, the most wonderful night of the [Bender trips him] ooofff.

Bender: Oops.

Farnsworth: Well, at least we have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever.

[A strong wind suddenly blows, distorting Farnsworth's face. Santabot flies overhead]

Hermes: [pointing] Santa!

Santa: Ah, the Planet Express crew. According to my list [Bender mimicking] you've all been very naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies from starving orphans.

[Santa flies away]

Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse.

Bender: We could sing.

Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.

Amy: Why not do both?

Farnsworth: Oh, very well.

[Farnsworth climbs onto a door step with effort.

Farnsworth: [Singing] I may as well jump. Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump.

Nudar: [off camera] Eh.

Farnsworth: [singing] They robbed me of my dignity and most of my stuff.

Leela: [singing] Lars brought me candy.

Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tiny Tim, and Nibbler: [singing] Cram it down and shut the hell up!

Hermes: [singing] I can't compete with that.

[View through a telescope at a boarded up building with LeBarabra and Barbados Slim visible in a window]

Hermes: [singing] He's Barbados Slim and I'm Jamaican fat. Who would choose a backwards corpse with lice in his hair.

Leela: [singing] Lars says I'm dreamy.

Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tiny Tim, Bender, Farnsworth: [singing] Who the hell cares?

Bender: [singing] Oh, won't somebody shoot her please and put her out of our misery?

Santa: [at head of alley holding weapons] That's my cue.

[Santa opens fire, crew runs screaming. Santa dances and shoots]

Tiny Tim: Oh my word!

Fry: [watching Lars and Leela hugging across the alley, singing] Lars makes me puke. I bet she'd love me too if I was a blad headed kook.

Leela: Hey, guess what guys!

Zoidberg: What?

Leela: [singing] While we were huddled in fear, Lars popped the question. [Leela displays a diamond ring]

Fanrsworth: [singing] Congradulations.

Zoidberg: [singing] Mazel tov.

Amy: [singing] May stars in heaven bless your love.

Bender: [singing] I think I'm gonna cry 'cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year.

Fry: Now could things get any worse.

[Santa appears over head]

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho.

[Santa drops a small metal xmas tree with a ticking clock on it. The crew screams.]

Lars: Stop screaming. That's just what the bomb wants us to do.

Zoidberg: I say do what it tells us. [screams and clacks claws]

Lars: Don't worry, a bomb in a case is just like a head in a jar.

[Lars opened the bomb and sprinkles in some Torgo's executive powder. The bomb stops ticking. The crew except Fry cheers]

Leela: [hugging Lars] Oh Lars! No blowing us up make me love you even more.

Fry: [grumbling] Life saving goody goody ...

Farnsworth: Well now that death has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say congratulations Leela and Lars.

[Crew except Fry cheers]

Amy: [raising hand] Maid of honor!

Zoidberg: [raising claw an instant later] Maid of honor! Ohhh.

Fry: [quietly] I could make you happy too, if only you'd give me a chance.

[Scene: New York Aquarium, 2006, cut to Leelu's tank: Fry with a plunger on his head sword fights with Leelu.]

[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2008: Fry is in an inflatable raft holding a fish. Leelu comes up through the bottom of the raft. Fry hugs Leelu and laughs as the raft sinks.]

[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank, 2010: Leelu flies out of the water and does a back flip. A moment later Fry does the same thing, landing at a desk with a sign that says "Philip J. Fry, Ass't Director.]

[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's tank: Fry is sitting on the edge petting Leelu]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: You've done a wonderful job Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead within a narweek, which is six days I believe.

Fry: Nah. Leelu's a champ. She just needed someone to show her how to eat. [Fry tosses a fish into his mouth, and another into Leelu's mouth]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Now that the kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale behavioral science class.

Fry: So what's up Dr. Shlivinowitz?

Dr. Shlivinowitz: [sighs] This is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we released Leelu back into the wild.

[Fry coughs up a fish skeleton]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: I'm sorry. The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness monster.

[Scene: in the back ground a crane is lowering something vaguely monstery]

Fry: But that turned out to be a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.

[Scene: a log with a Halloween mask stapled to it slung from the crane.]

Dr. Shlivinowitz: Yes, well, it still draws a crowd.

Fry: [crying] I can't let this happen, she'll never be happy without me.

[Scene: fade to picture of Lars and Leela in formal clothes. Pull back to reveal it's a wedding invitation that reads "You are cordially asked to attend the wedding of Turanga Leela & Lars Fillmore Sunday, December 27th, 3007 @ 4 O'Clock"]

[Scene: Exterior of Elzars. Sign reads "Today's specials cream of nothing". Cut to interior. A line of down and out looking people get bowls filled at a window with a sign in AL1 that reads "human broth". Pad to Elzar, Leela, and Lars]

Elzar: I know you're broke and homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped you up some real nice budge appetizers.

Lars: [tasting one] Mmmm. I can keep these down.

Elzar: Ok! That's a bid yes on the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail.

[Elzar wiggles a dead crustacean in a martini glass. Pan to Fry and Bender at another table]

Fry: There must be some way I can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring.

Bender: Already taken care of. [Bender displays a diamond ring on his finger]

Fry: You think that'll be enough to stop the ceremony.

Bender: Nope. I pulled the old switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I think the copy I made cost more than this.

Fry: Cheap lousy Lars.

Bender: [examining the ring through a jeweler's loupe] Actually this is extremely nice, but I really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them.

Fry: I can't let this happen. She'll never be happy without me.

[Scene: fade to New York City Docks, 2010. Fry, accompanied by Panucci in a wheel chair watch a crane hoisting Leelu onto a ship]

Fry: It's not fair, we need each other.

Panucci: Fry you dumb sack, I don't care about your problems at all. [coughs]

Fry: You need your blanket Mr. Panucci.

Panucci: I don't even want to be here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that Narwal means so much to you, you gotta do something.

Fry: I know. But I can't just go chasing after her. That'd be nuts.

Panucci: Ah, Sometimes you gotta be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a small freighter. That's him, right behind us.

Fry: [to Panucci] Maybe you're right. [to Panucci's cousin] Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my room.

Panucci: The mans is nuts, Leroy.

Leroy: Professional whale keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along. Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but somehow we just never click on a personal level.

Fry: I'm not a professional anymore. Just a Narwal loving private citizen.

LeRoy: Then I'm you man. We'll take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.

[Scene: fade to exterior of the First Amalgamated Church, December 27, 3007. Cut to interior, Dr. Cahill wheels in a cart several heads on it, including George Bush Sr. Leonard Nemoy, Jacques Cousteau, Mat Groening, and Charles de Gaulle]

Terry: [theatrically] Welcome to the wedding.

Fry: [to Bender] It's a fool proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen with no ink. [laughs and exchanges pens]

Bender: Yeah, once they try to sign that license, all hell will break look. [rolls eyes up, muttering] Oy vey.

LeBarbara: Go on now, mon, don' cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock?

Slim: [struggling with the zipper on LeBarbar's dress] It's more my thing to zip 'em down. [laughs]

Hermes: Get your clumsy, muscular hands off my woman, Barbados.

LeBarbara: Hermes! Your body!

Slim: I always said you were a little backward.

Hermes: Well, I always said you were a little forward ... with my wife.

Bystanders: ohhh!

Herems: [zips up LeBarbara frock] Consider yourself bird dogged.

LeBarbara: That's my man. Take a boat, Barbados.

[Slim leaves grumbling]

Bubblegum: Brother, you gots to tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed.

Hermes: Tomorrow morning. After the 'festivities'.

Bubblegum: [Nudging Hermes and spinning a basketball on his finger] Yow, baby!

[The Robot Devil band plays the wedding march, Leela enters escorted by the Professor with Nibbler scattering flower petals in front of them]

Munda: [from a grating beneath the asile] Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a normal two eyed human.

Morris: He's not good enough for her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.

Munda: Quit trying to fix her up with Fly Mutant. [A humanoid with large fly eyes behind them buzzes and licks fluid off one eye]

Minister: Dearly liked, we are gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else.

[Fry chuckles and taps the empty pen]

[Scene: North Pole, 2012: Fry, with beard and mustache, looks through binoculars. Cut to a ship amongst ice floes.]

Leroy: It's been two years, Fry. We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free again.

Fry: None of them were Leelu.

Fufu: But all of them were edible.

Atanarjuat: [pointing] Can we at least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage.

Fry: [looking through binoculars, gasps] I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere. To the boats!

[Scene: Leelu swimming on the surface. Pan to Fry in a small boat] Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry. [Leelu grunts and swims to the boat]

Fry: [hugging Leelu] Oh, I've missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we care too much for each other. Fire!

[Scene: Wedding]

Minister: Now, if the couple will sign the wedding license.

[Fry nudges Bender, who rolls his eyes. Leela attempts to sign, but the pen won't work. Lars gives her another one and she attempts to throw the dead one over her shoulder, poking Hermes in the eye. Hermes stumbles, trips over a rope bringing a chandelier down upon him, severing his head, impaling, and electrocuting his body.]

Farnsworth: I warned him. I warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed.

Lars: [surprised] What?

LeBarbara: Oh, no, my man! He's essentially dead again.

Dr. Cahill: Relax ma'am. Your husband's original body will be repaired within one week.

LeBarbara: Nah uh uh. Not soon enough. Boy needs a daddy.

Slim: Cruel runnings mon. [laughs]

[Dr. Cahill dumps Hermes head in the jar with Charles De Gaulle]

Dr. Cahill: Woopsy-doopsy, poopsy.

Hermes: Well, let's get on with it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way of your happiness.

Lars: No, it's not right. We don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?

Leela: I'm OK with it.

Lars: No, it's not right. The wedding is off.

[Lars leaves, crowd gasps]

Bender: Oh my goodness! [starts stealing the wedding gifts]

Fry: [snickering] Finally, a happy ending.

[Leela cries]

[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]

TV Announcer: [voice over] And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.

[Hypnotoad makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]

Zoidberg: Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.

Fry: Are you okay, Leela?

Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I live in a dumpster.

Zoidberg: [angry] You stay out of my dumpster!

[Zoidberg hisses and his head fin pops up]

Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring you a special address from Earth President Nixon.

[Hypnotoad turns toward him]

Announcer: Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill myseIf!

[The announcer makes gagging noises off screen]

Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, I've just received some really great news. I'm about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from the scammers.

Bender: That'll teach those scammers and me.

Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received an e-mail from the Andromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!

Leela: Oh, Lord.

Nixon: And all I had to do was hand over our last remaining land and water as collateral. So assuming all goes ... What's that, Agnew? A telegram? [reads telegram] Baroo! There ... seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamedonia.

[Scene: South Street Spaceport]

Nudar: [Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your stuff.

Leela: All aboard for Neptune!

Farnsworth: Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. I'll be cold, and heavy.

[The PE ship takes off]

Nudar: Thanks for the planet, suckers.

[Scene: Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of it.]

[Scene: Neptunian cave]

Bender: It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.

Leela: What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about something, worry about the yetis.

Zoidberg: Yetis? [Yetis growl from outside] Oh, yetis.

Farnsworth: Amy, you speak yeti. What are they saying?

Amy: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... "assaulting the interlopers."

[Seconds later, yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a spear]

Leela: Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got dumped.

Hermes: Sweet yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone crazy eddie in the head-y.

[Leela starts stabbing with the spear.]

[Fade in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]

Anarjuwat: Is that normal?

Fufu: No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...

Fry: Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword fight, girl?

[Leelu moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange narwhal doing flips and spins]

Fry: That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here, Captain. Full fast ahead.

Captain: Damn whale keepers.

[Scene: Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]

Leela: Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.

Santa: [Holding a missile launcher] Ho! Ho. Ho... [Drops missile launcher] Oh, my heart's not in it. I'm too depressed for murder and mayhem.

Amy: Try some antidepressants. They're Gummi.

Fry: What happened, Santa?

Santa: The scammers cheated me out of my naughty list to use for telemarketing. Can you imagine the harm they could do with that information? I wanted to do that harm!

Leela: That's it. They've gone too far. No more running and hiding. It's time to fight back.

Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence, Leela.

Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping us, you fat holiday idiot.

[Leela slaps Robot Santa]

Santa: That hurt. You're on the naughty list!

[Leela slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]

[Scene: President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and shatters]

Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr. President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag attack.

Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled,solid-gold Death Stars.

[Agnews body presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star appears]

Bender: Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.

Nixon: We're hopelessly out gunned. The force is with us, but that's about it.

Santa: But we have access to a huge manufacturing complex.

[Scene: Santa's workshop]

Santa: [singing] I brought the elves back from vacation, chained them up, and called my holiday friends ...

Kwanzabot: Kwanzabot

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And the Chanukah zombie.

Santa: [singing] Three mad, wise men bearing murder and frankincense.

Neptunians: [singing] Damn you.

Santa: [singing] Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the armful.

Neptunians: [singing] Says who?

Santa:[singing] Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No one here goes near that door, this toy shop's going to war.

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Talmud says "Be slow to anger”, Low-down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar, jump back, jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm undead.

Neptunians: [singing] Ten hut!

Chanukah Zombie: Dreidl, dreidl I made it out of blasting clay

Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts.

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And when it's dry and ready, For mercy they will pay. I can't wait eight nights or more, this zombie's going to war.

Kwanzabot: [singing] Check, check it out Kwanzabot, in the NeptizzIe-hizzIe. With my inhuman beat box busy building missiles. They're guided by these cute dancing fairy figures, careful, little elf, that's proximity-triggered. I'm fighting back for Kwanza so the children won't miss it. I'm confused about its meaning but I know it when they dis it. So, Santa

Santa: [singing] Yeah, K?

Kwanzabot: [singing] CZ?

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Hey, hey.

Kwanzabot: [singing] Let's slay them pimps Come on, pimp my sleigh.

Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Easy with that toy artillery. Torgo's powder's deadly but unstable.

Santa: Can they sue for liability?

Nixon: Certainly not!

Santa: [singing] Use as much as you are able.

Neptunians: [singing] This bites.

Santa: [singing] You signed away your rights when you were hired.

Leela: Now, let's fight.

Nixon:Let's fight.

Santa: [singing] Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore, this trinity's going to war.

[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]

Leela: Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves can build. As for the battle plan...

Nixon: And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp Brannigan!

Leela: What?

Zapp: At ease, people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs from the cold, for God's sake.

[Kif sighs and crouches down]

Zapp: We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade. Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert Farnsworth.

Cubert: Here, sir!

Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!

Zapp: Dwight Slim.

Dwight: Here.

Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In several ways!

[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view screen while the fleet approaches Earth]

Zapp: Assuming the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.

Kif: Forty-six.

Zapp: Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver two.

Kif: One.

Lars: Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney, feel-good wars like the war on drugs?

Zapp: What's your name, smart mouth?

Lars: Lars Fillmore.

Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again, off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe insubordination out of you.

Leela: Yes, yes, yes.

Kif: We're approaching Earth, sir.

Zapp: Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velor marble. All commanders stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---[A Solid Gold Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]

Leela: Does anybody mind if I take command?

Nibber: No.

Sal: Nos.

Bubblegum Tate: Nah.

Al Gore: Nope.

Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.

Donbot: No, I do not.

Robot Santa: No.

Kwanzabot: It's cool.

Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A and fire!

[The ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death stars]

[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant TV, obviously controlling the death stars]

Flebb: Yes! Nailed the children's ship.

[Scammers laugh]Leela: Unit 10, Target H, 16-K. Niner, niner, go left! I mean right.

Sal: Whoas!

Leela: 55-U. 8-R, 2-V.

Farnsworth: Bingo!

Hattie: Cheating son of a...

[Al Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]

Al Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Leela: It's hopeless! I can't coordinate this many ships!

Hermes: Perhaps I can help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle grid?

Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the professor!

[Farnsworth makes one of those "I'm the professor, boo-yah!" poses]

Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.

[Scene: Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid. Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge into a V line and shoot one target]

[Al Gore fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]

Al Gore: [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.

[Scene: Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the building]

[Scene: Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]

Clamps: He's champing for a clamping!

[The Globetrotters shoot basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter ship on fire, destroying a death star]

[A musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star, exploding it]

Kwanzabot: Kwa-zang!

[Everyone cheers]

Hermes: I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?

Labarbra: Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Truth be, I married you for your sexy potato body,but I'm staying with you for your sexy potato head.

Barbados Slim: You haven't seen the last of Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.

[Barbados tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]

[A viewscreen comes down from the ship]

Nudar: Nice attack, doo-doo heads. Too bad we have one last trick up our sleeve.

Amy: I doubt that!

Nudar: Remember this, Farnsworth?

[Nudar pulls out the satchel containing the Sphero-Boom]

Farnsworth: Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers! They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.

Bender: lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!

Nudar: So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?

Leela: Never!

Nudar: Or totaI destruction?

Leela: Also never!

Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your minds!

Leela: [Melodramatically] Nevvveeeeer!

Bender: People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. [Bender pulls out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the Axillary Torpedo slot]

[The crew gasp]

Bender: Shut up and keep looking apologized to.

Leela: [Acting nonchalant] Dum de dum.

[Leela presses the "FIRE" button. The Spheroboom launches from a torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]

Nudar: Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.

[Nudar opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nude aliens scream as the Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]

Amy: Yay! Bender!

Fry: All right!

[Crew cheers]

Fry: Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more? The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing, I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...

[Cut to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]

Bender: ... and as soon as I was out of the scammer's control, I pulled the old switcheroo.

[Flashback of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real one]

[Scene: Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a giant viewscreen]

Bender: And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest.

[Everyone cheers]

Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty Double-Cross.

Bender: I'll aways treasure it and immediately hock it.

[Cut to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]

Lars: There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository every few...

[Lars sees Leela nearby and walks off]

[Leela tries to hold back tears]

Fry: What is it?

Leela: Nothing.

Fry: It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on. Whimmy-wham-wham-whazle!

Leela: I can't help it. I was gonna be married. I was so happy.

Fry: Well, maybe you'll meet someone else someday.

Leela: No, you don't understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my heart.

Fry: You remember when we first met?

Leela: Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago today.

Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's important.

[Scene: Fry's boat in the Arctic]

Fry: Why are you so sad, Leelu?

[The orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]

Fry: Him again? [sudden realization strikes] Wait a second, are you two...

[Leelu nods]

[Fry takes the plunger off his head]

Fry: Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.

Atanarjuat: Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.

Fry: Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make me happy.

[Atanarjuat and Fufu open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as Fry looks on sadly]

Fry: Goodbye, Leelu.

[Fry sobs]

[Fade in to Leela looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]

Lars: I don't much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi, I'll... Leela?

Leela: Lars?

Lars: I... I really have to go, I...

Leela: Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back together?

Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.

Lars: I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.

Fry: Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?

Lars: Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...

[Nudar walks in the doorway, holding a laser]

Nudar: Nobody move!

Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom blast?

Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!

Fry: I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.

Nudar: Not you.

[Nudar points his gun at Lars]

Nudar: You!

Leela: Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!

Fry: But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that part!

Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now where is it?

Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your expensive gun. Go ahead and shoot.

Nudar: Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?

Leela: Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!

Lars: I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.

[Lars walks over to the cryogenic tube with the explosive Bender. Lars opens the tube and tackles Bender and Nudar to the ground. Leela and Fry run and hide behind a desk]

Nudar: What the...

Bender: Four, three, two, one, Boom! [Nothing happens. Bender laughs] Woah!

[Bender explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and parts of Bender.]

Leela: Lars, no!

[The smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]

[Scene: Fade to 2012, Fry is shaking hands with Captain LeRoy. Fry leaves the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]

Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leelu] It's enough just to know you're happy.

Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leela and crying] You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.

[Scene: Exterior Panucci's]

Bender: Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! [Bender fires his gun]

[Scene: Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry's hair catches on fire]

Fry: My hair!

[Coughs]

Fry: My larynx!

[Fry with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela. He is Lars]

Fry: I'm Lars?

Fry: I'm Lars!

[Fry bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]

Fry: Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.

[Scene: The building explodes behind him.]

[Scene: Exterior Applied Cryogenics]

[Scene: Fry enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of Twentieth Century Man. He opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990 years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]

[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says “Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell Lars”.]

Lars: [On a screen] So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.

Leela: [sad] I understand.

Screen: That concludes another silly-willy video will.

Fry: He was a good man, Leela.

Leela: Yeah... you were.

[Leela kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]

Farnsworth: Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free bow.

Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.

Nibbler: Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in the first place!

Bender: Sounds like a job for me, Bender.

[Benders tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]

Bender: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...

[Scene: PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]

Bender: Mission accomplished!

Fry: You put the time code on my ass?

Bender: Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed to.

[Benders start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures, eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of Benders.]

Nibbler: No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!

[Nibbler eats himself and disappears.]

Bender: What's the worst that can happen?

[There is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the universe.]

Bender: Well, we're boned.

(Credits roll)