Hermes Conrad
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Species: Human
Planet of Origin: Earth
Age: 45
Voiced By: Phil LaMarr
First Appearance: "The Series Has Landed" (1ACV02)
Bureaucrat Grade: 37 (formerly 36)
Biography
Hermes Conrad is a Jamacian Bureaucrat, and proud of both. He works at Planet Express, handling stamping, filing, collating, and accounting - all the fiddly little paperwork that only a true bureaucrat can handle properly. While he was born and raised in Jamacia, he moved to New New York with his wife LaBarbara. They now have a teenage son, Dwight.
Bureaucracy is in Hermes' bones, but before becoming a bureaucrat he was an Olympic limboist. In the 2980 Olympic Games, he competed in the 200 meter limbo for the Jamacian team and came in 2nd place to Barbados Slim, LaBarbara's ex-husband. Then, in a tragic accident, a young fan attempting to emulate his hero broke his spine trying to limbo as low as Hermes. Hermes dropped out of professional limbo immediately afterwards, but took it up again when his limboing skills alone could save the entire Planet Express crew from certain death in the destruction of the space cruise ship Titanic. In 3004, when the entire Jamacian limbo team was detained at the airport because of their "other interests," Hermes was called back out of retirement to defend his country's pride (4ACV13). He came in dead last due to a freak accident with his special limboing suit.
Family
- LaBarbara Conrad, his wife
- Dwight Conrad, his son
- Granny (deceased), a zombie.
- Mamma (deceased), fat and ugly
Additional Info
- Age is revealed in "Bender Breaks Out" (US#020).
Catchphrase
Hermes' basic catchphrase is "Sweet [something] of [someplace]!" (the 'something' and the 'someplace' usually rhyme)
Variations include the following:
- Sweet Llamas of the Bahamas!
- Sweet Lion of Zion!
- Sweet Three-toed Sloth of Ice Planet Hoth!
Hermes also loves yelling "My Manwich!" after it is stolen by either Bender or Zoidberg
Hermes sometimes mentions green snakes and sugarcanes including:
- Our electricity bill is climbing faster than a green snake up a sugarcane!
- I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugarcane field.
- That's flatter than a green snake under a sugarcane truck.
Quotes
- Hermes: When push comes to shove, you've got to do what you love, even if it's not a good idea.
- Hermes: Like my granny used used to say back in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay, "If you want a box thrown into the sun, you got to do it yourself."
- Fry: Jamaican? I thought you were some kind of outer-space potato man.
- Hermes: My Speedos!
- Hermes: My manwich!
- Hermes: OK captain, dis is just a standard legal release, protecting Planet Express in de event of de unforeseen.
Leela: (reading) Death by airlock failure.
Hermes: Uh-huh.
Leela: Death by brain parasite.
Hermes: Yah.
Leela: Death by sonic diarrhea.
Hermes: Oh, you don't want dat...
Leela: Look, I don't know about your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
Hermes: (laughing) Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! (dead serious) Sign de paper.