Transcript:The Six Million Dollar Mon

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[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Worth 250 Futurama Points.]

[Scene: Planet Express Building, conference room. Everyone but Hermes is seated at the conference table, looking up as Hermes descends from somewhere above, riding some sort of jet-powered hover disc.]

Hermes: People, as company bureaucrat, I will today be conducting the annual performance review. With a twist.

[Hermes pulls a string in his collar, causing a necktie to unfurl. Everyone gasps.]

Fry: Oh, no. The firing tie.

Hermes: Correct. I will be evaluating each of you, and the lowest-rated employee, possibly Zoidberg, will be fired at sundown. [lowers his voice] Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Classic Hermes.

Hermes: Let the interviews begin. Good luck, everybody but Zoidberg.

[Cut to: Professor Farnsworth's lab. Hermes, holding a pen and clipboard, is standing in front of the lab's bench; Amy is standing behind it.]

Amy: My primary duties? Well, I assist the Professor in whatever important research he happens to be engaged in.

[She turns to indicate the Professor, who is asleep in a recliner, snoring.]

Amy: Uh, yes, sir, [she shuffles some papers nervously] I will be sure to snore that science lamp right away.

[She picks up a small lamp and makes a snoring sound into it. Hermes writes a note on his clipboard.]

[Cut to: Somewhere in space. Fry and Bender are outside the Planet Express ship, holding a crate marked ASHES FOR SPACE BURIAL. Hermes and Leela are standing on the ship's hull.]

Hermes: Now, Leela, couldn't we just fire you and have Fry or Bender fly the ship?

Leela: Not if you stand on their air hose much longer.

[Hermes notices that he is standing on the hose, causing a large air bubble to form.]

Hermes: Noted.

[He lifts his foot; the air bubble rushes down the hose, causing Fry's and Bender's space suits to over-inflate and explode.]

[Cut to: The Planet Express boiler room. Hermes is interviewing Scruffy, who is lying down on his cot.]

Scruffy: My job? Toilets 'n' boilers, boilers 'n' toilets. Plus that one boiling toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.

[He picks up, and starts reading, a magazine titled ASTOUNDING TALES OF DOING IT. Hermes, shaking his head, makes a note on his clipboard.]

[Time Lapse. The team is gathered around the conference table again. Hermes stands facing them.]

Hermes: Now, then, while many of you do half-ass jobs and the rest do jobs whose ass ratio ranges from 42% to a mere 11%, only the most pathetically useless employee will be fired today. And that employee is -

[Dramatic pause. Everyone scoots away from Zoidberg, who is seated in the middle.]

Hermes: - Hermes Conrad.

Amy: What?!

Leela: No way!

Zoidberg: Hermes, no!

Hermes: Yes. My performance review proves the main drag on our profit is the time I waste on performance reviews.

Fry: But you can't fire yourself now. We were just getting to know each other.

Hermes: I've already notified the central bureaucracy. [The doorbell rings.] They'll be here two seconds ago.

[Cut to: The Planet Express lobby. The crew is gathered behind Hermes as he answers the door. Center Square Guy enters.]

Hermes: I suppose you're here to tell me to pack it in?

Center Square Guy: Only if you buy me dinner first.

[All but Hermes laugh.]

Hermes: I'm being fired. I don't think it's appropriate to joke around like that.

Center Square Guy: You're right, Hermes. Meet Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Mark 7-G: [entering the lobby] I'm Mark 7-G, the machine who's replacing you.

Hermes: [sighs] Will you be conducting an exit interview?

Center Square Guy: Well, I wouldn't say no to a little friendly debriefing.

[Again, all but Hermes laugh.]

Mark 7-G: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are ordered to relieve yourself of duty.

Center Square Guy: Sounds like a party.
[Once more, all but Hermes laugh.]

Center Square Guy: Good-bye. [He leaves the building; the crew breaks into applause.]

[Hermes takes his personnel file out of his jacket, stamps it FIRED, and feeds it into a slot in Mark 7-G.]

Hermes: Well, this is it. But I want you to know working here has been the experience of a lifetime.

Farnsworth: [makes a shooing motion with his hands] Off you go.

[Hermes leaves the building, looks back once. The doors close behind him.]

Bender: [to Mark 7-G] So, I hear you're a machine - [Zoidberg slaps Bender.] ow!

Zoidberg: Traitor! My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?

Amy: Um, Zoidberg? I don't think Hermes really liked you. In fact, he hated you more than anyone ever hated anyone.

Zoidberg: What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.

Bender: Oy.

Zoidberg: You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.

Leela: I insult you, you fat sack.

Zoidberg: Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me. And now he's gone, thanks to you, Mr. Bigshot 7-G. [He kicks Mark 7-G, starts sobbing.] I'll never see Hermes again.

[Cut to: The Conrad home. Hermes and Dwight are at the dining room table; LaBarbara brings a pot of food from the kitchen.]

Hermes: On the bright side, I'll never see Zoidberg again.

LaBarbara: Aw, there, there, husband. I made your favorite, curried goat.

Hermes: It better be spicy.

Judge Whitey: Well played.

Sal: Ows.

(Robots screaming)

Robot Devil: Ah, fire. Aah! It burns! It burns!

Hermes: Hmm, not bad. Needs a little hot sauce.

Hermes: I just don't know how we'll get by.

LaBarbara: Then I guess this wouldn't be a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.

Hermes: What?!

LaBarbara: And you're not the father.

Hermes: No!

LaBarbara: I'm just joking, husband. See now? Things don't seem so bad any more, do they?

Hermes: You're right. Thank you, LaBarbara.

LaBarbara: Oh, also, I wrecked the car.

[Roberto jumps out from behind a tree. He is carrying three knives.]

Roberto: This here is a mugging! Hand over your skin.

LaBarbara: My ebony splendor? Me don't think so.

Roberto: I said hand it over. I'm hungry! Ha-haw! Ha-haw!

Hermes: For God's sake, woman, just give him your skin! Can't you see he's crazy?!

Roberto: You calling me cra---zy?! Ain't nothing crazy about me but my brain. Right, brain? Right! No, not you, right brain. Right, left brain? Right! Okay, then. Ha-haw!

LaBarbara: Do something, Hermes.

Hermes: I can't! When I fight machinery, machinery always wins!

URL: Freeze, bagwad!

Smitty: You're under arrest for attempted epidermicide.

Roberto: I'm coming for you, man. Ain't no jail can hold me.

URL: That's why you're going straight to the electromagnetic chair.

Roberto: And then I'm-a stab it. Ha-haw!

(Siren wails) (Magnets hum)

Roberto: S-s-stop! It's driving me sane!

(Screaming)

Fry: Hey, Bender, you should become an executioner. You could kill humans and wear a cool hood.

Bender: Nah, I like my victims to know who did it.

Hermes: Psst!

Bender: Hermes! Boy, am I indifferent to see you.

Hermes: We need to talk alone.

Fry: Okay, Hermes. Sure.

Leela: [in shower] Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil?

Fry: In a second. I'm eavesdropping.

[Amy appears behind Leela in the shower.]

Amy: Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough.

Fry: I said not now!

Bender: Sure, I know a guy.

Bender: Yuri here runs the most sanitary surgical implant parlor in Filthytown.

Hermes: So, I hear you're an expert in the shadowy field of body augmentation.

Yuri: I am expert in shadowy field of many things.

Hermes: I need something that'll make me less inferior to today's modern machinery. Can you help me?

Yuri: No problem. I prepare operating room.

(Cat yowls)

Hermes: Oh, honey, I'm home!

Dwight: Pops?!

LaBarbara: Is that a harpoon in your chest?

Hermes: Yes. And I'm happy to see you. Mmm. And the best part is, the whole package fits neatly in the space where my giblets used to be.

Amy: I'm kind of a harpoon snob, and let me say, that thing is gorgeous. But do you really need chest artillery?

Hermes: It's not just a weapon. It's the bureaucrat's best friend. Observe. Oh, Mark 7-G? Would you mind fetching that carton from the top shelf?

Zoidberg: [grunting] [Laughs.] Pitiful and sickening.

Hermes: Okay, little man, let a professional bureaucrat show you how it's done.

Mark 7-G: My best wasn't good enough.

Hermes: I'll need my personnel file, please.

Zoidberg: Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly.

Hermes: You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.

Zoidberg: [laughs] Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.

Farnsworth: Oh, dear! I was leaning over the sink eating pureed clams when my teeth fell in the disposal. Scruffy, could you retrieve them?

Scruffy: 'Taint a boiler nor a toilet. Pass.

Hermes: [Sighs.] I'll fetch my hand tools.

Bender: Hand tools? Why don't you get an extendo-arm implant, like mine?

Hermes: Oh, no. No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.

Bender: That's sweet, Hermes.

Mark 7-G: Maybe I should get an extendo-arm.

Hermes: How long will it take to install an extendo-arm?

Yuri: I have golf game in half-hour, so half-hour.

Farnsworth: [Grunts.] [garbled] Thank you, Hermes.

Fry: I don't know. It seems like a lot of trouble to cut off your arm just to snake a drain.

Hermes: Ah-ah-ah, it's not just a drain snake. It comes with a set of interchangeable accessories. Jackhammer Vegetable peeler Pipe-bending jig.

Bender: A machine that can bend? No way.

Zoidberg: But, Hermes, old friend, didn't you say you were through with the implants?

Hermes: Oh, don't be such a spoilsport.

Zoidberg: Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes. Speaking of What happened to your cutoff body parts anyhow?

Hermes: Right here. I was going to donate them to the salvation air force, but they're starting to rot.

Zoidberg: Then I'll just take them and, uh, throw them away, shall I why not? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.

Zoidberg: So, friend, welcome to my home. I'm very proud of it. But I want to hear what you think.

Zoidberg: [imitating Hermes] "Oh, mon, I'm Hermes, and I think it stinks in here like a green snake, or something else that's Jamaican."

Zoidberg: [laughs] Good one at my expense, Hermes.

LaBarbara: Mmm, well, I must admit it's not bad. And it will cut two or three hours a day off my cornrowing routine.

Hermes: Yes, our lives will never be the same. Darn it! I'll be right back.

LaBarbara: (Snoring) Ooh! Hermes, oh, you foolish man, what do you need a Cylon eye for?

Hermes: Now, calm down, dear. You know, you look even hotter in infrared.

[Moaning, smooching]

[Whirring]

LaBarbara: Aah! Husband, some things were not meant to be cylonned. Now, you must promise me you won't be getting any more upgrades.

Hermes: I promise.

[Bender, Fry, Farnsworth, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg ooh and aah]

Amy: Wow.

Fry: Nice shiny metal ass, Hermes.

[Bender' grunts and stammers]

Amy: So, with all these implants, what exactly is the difference between you and a robot?

Hermes: I still have one thing no robot shall ever have a good old flesh-and- blood human brain.

Zoidberg: Yes, a big, smart brain. Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right?

Hermes: Mecha-Hermes has no interest in such nonsense.

Zoidberg: Uh, Mr. Conrad, did you remember to save the trimmings for me?

Hermes: Yes, yes, doctor. Right here.

Hermes: Wait. You're not eating my discarded flesh, are you?

Zoidberg: How could you even ask such a thing? Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.

Hermes: Thanks to years of Labarbara's curried goat, no doubt. But my mecha-stomach has no need of goat. Mecha-Hermes has spoken! Mecha-Hermes still wants to know what you're doing with his pieces.

Zoidberg: Something wonderful.

Florp: Give it way up for Dr. Zoidberg and Little Hermes.

[Cheering and applause.]

Zoidberg: Hello! Hello! So, Little Hermes, did you hear I've taken up running?

Little Hermes: "Yeah, from restaurant to restaurant. Ho ho, mon."

[Audience laughing]

Little Hermes: "Seriously, though, have you lost weight?"

Zoidberg: Yes.

Little Hermes: "Looks like you found it again."

[Little Hermes and audience laugh.]

Zoidberg: Oh, boy. That was quite a zinger, old friend.

Little Hermes: "I'm not your friend. I'm out of here the second you let go of my bowels."

[Audience laughing']]

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here all week.

Little Hermes: "You've been warned, people.

[Audience laughing']]

Amy: (laughing) He's good. I can only see one of his four mouth-tendrils moving.

Little Hermes: So, Mr. Conrad, did you enjoy the show?

Hermes: Alas, no. Seeing what I once was filled me with regret.

Zoidberg: You could always undo your implants.

Hermes: Regret that I still have one human part. That meat puppet disgusts me. It's time for the ultimate upgrade.

Fry: But the only thing you haven't upgraded is your brain.

Hermes: Exactly.

[Bender, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg and Amy gasp.]

Zoidberg: Oops.

[Little Hermes gasps.]

Yuri: Robot brain implant? Never. No one in right mind would do that.

Farnsworth: (laughing wildly) Ah, a freshly dug robot grave.

Bender: Let's exhume-a-zoom-zoom.

Hermes: Step aside.

Farnsworth: Bing-reka! The brain circuit. Come, fellows. Let's go home and install it.

Bender: Enjoy eternity without your brain, anonymous dead robot.

[Bender chuckles. Wind howls. Electrical buzzing.]

Zoidberg: So, Little Hermes, are you ready to watch some brain surgery?

Little Hermes: "I'm ready to shoot myself if it'll get me off your lap."

[Amy, Bender, Leela and Fry laugh]

Farnsworth: Open the dome and unleash the power of the heavens! [Clanking. Birds chirping.] Ah, now I can see what I'm doing. Commence the operation!

Labarbara: Terminate the operation!

Hermes: Labarbara? Dwight?

LaBarbara: I just got an urgent text from Little Hermes. You can't do this thing! You don't even know whose brain that is.

Hermes: It doesn't matter. Any robot brain will improve my fitness as a husband and father.

LaBarbara: You can't be a husband and father if you don't have a wife and son.

Hermes: Wait. I care about you too much to lose you. But my new robot brain won't. Commence the operation.

[All gasp.]

LaBarbara: Well you'll have to commence it without me, Hermes. And commence living without me. Because I will commence divorce proceedings. Oh, I hope to God I'm using that word correctly.

Farnsworth: Oh, I can't do this, Hermes. Your wife's moving plea has made me realize you might have litigious survivors.

LaBarbara: Oh, thank you, Professor. Come now. Let's go try that Korean noodle place you were telling me about.

Hermes: There will be no noodles until the operation is complete.

[Whirring]

Farnsworth: You can't force me to operate.

Hermes: Maybe not, but perhaps I can encourage you with my encouragement drill.

Zoidberg: Wait. I'll perform the surgery.

Hermes: You? With those clumsy claws?

Zoidberg: It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work.

Little Hermes: "But mine aren't. You, mon, give me that robot brain."

Zoidberg: And you, metal guy, lie down.

Leela: Zoidberg, this makes no sense. Why are you helping him?

[Drumbeat playing]

Bender: And what's that catchy beat?

Zoidberg: I'll tell you.

Two, three I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago
when a happy thought dispelled my woe
and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull
Little Hermes: if I sliced up his cyborg skull
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) he wants a brain
Zoidberg: he wants a robot brain
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) another brain
Zoidberg: let's see if he feels pain
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) a brand-new brain
Zoidberg: it might drive him insane
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) he wants a brain
Zoidberg: he wants a robot brain
Zoidberg and Little Hermes: (in harmony) wa-ooh wa-wa-ooh

Amy: Does anyone else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?

Fry: Oh, loosen up, Amy.

Farnsworth: My condolences, Labarbara. I hope you find some comfort in staring at this throbbing mass of nerve tissue.

LaBarbara: (sobbing) Oh, he's gone! Oh, Zoidberg, what have you done?

Zoidberg: I'll tell you what I've done. I've brought your husband back.

[All gasping]

Dwight: Pops.

Hermes: Sweet reawakenin' Of me, a Jamaican-in.

LaBarbara: Hermes, you're alive.

Dwight: And practically rhyming.

Hermes: Wife, son, I am so sorry. Once I started upgrading myself, I lost all control. But I see now that if you can't be man enough with your own parts, no amount of machinery will help.

Roberto: (in Mecha-Hermes' body) Not so fast.

[All gasp.]

Roberto: But faster than that!

Hermes: It's that insane robot, Roberto.

[All scream.]

Farnsworth: Quick, Hermes, the keys.

Hermes: I left them in my other body.

Roberto: Oh, yeah. And I'm-a stick 'em in your pancreas till I find one that opens it.

[Roberto yells à la Tarzan.]

[All yell.]

Roberto: I'm gonna peel off your skin and eat it like pencil shavings.

[Hermes gasps.]

Hermes: Ow! Thank God Zoidberg didn't reattach my nerves.

Roberto: Mmm, that's tasty. Too tasty. [Whimpers.] It burns. It it burns! (screaming)

Fry: What's happening?

Zoidberg: The spicy curried goat. Hermes' skin is so saturated with it that it's dissolving the bad robot.

Hermes: In the end, all his implants were no match for my wife's reckless seasoning.

LaBarbara: Now, husband, don't you think you owe Zoidberg a thank-you for saving you from yourself?

Hermes: But I hate him.

LaBarbara: Honey, we all do. But fair is fair.

[Hermes clears his throat.]

Hermes: Zoidberg, I I know we have never been friends, but I appreciate what you did. Thank you.

Zoidberg: Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger. Well, here's one for you, Mr. Not-My-Friend Conrad. [Grunts.] You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me.

[Bender laughs.]

Bender: It's funny because it's mean.

Zoidberg: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever.

[Zoidberg sings in harmony with himself.]

Amy: Ugh. He's doing it again.