Transcript:How the West Was 1010001

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Transcript for
How the West Was 1010001
Written by	Nona di Spargement
Transcribed by	b176094

[Opening Credits: Based on an actual UFO sighting]

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]

Professor: News! Bad! We're bankrupt. Oh, I borrowed money to invest in Bitcoin. Then the price crashed, and I sold at a huge loss. We're ruined! Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were watching TV.

[Channel √2 News showing on TV.]

Morbo: The tragic impact destroyed the planet Klarg, along with its 50 billion inhabitants.

Linda: [Laughs] In other news, Morbo, guess what's back?

Morbo: The planet Klarg?

Linda: Nope! The price of Bitcoin!

Professor: Uh, wha?!

Linda: The virtual "money" is soaring once again, leading to a high-tech gold rush.

Morbo: Prospectors are heading west, where cheap, filthy electricity beckons the desperate.

Professor: This gives me a desperate idea!

Leela: Haven't you learned that Bitcoin is just a pyramid scheme for rubes?

Professor: Yes, and my plan is to exploit those rubes!

[Professor powers up a hologram version of the periodic table.]

Professor: You see, the new mining chips are made from element 81, thallium, a rare element found out west. I plan to actually mine it, then sell it to the Bitcoin "miners". [Doing air quotes.] It's a sure way to repay my loan brokers.

[Door opening, revealing the Robot Mafia. All gasp.]

Joey Mousepad: Yo. We're also leg brokers.

Fry: Goodbye, Robot Mafia!

[Scene: Wild west scenery with a huge energy sphere on the horizon. People travelling through tubes.]

[Scene: Inside the cockpit of the Planet Express ship.]

Professor: The Bitcoin mines are using such colossal amounts of power that it's ionizing the atmosphere. We'll need to land and drive the rest of the way.

Leela: I'll set her down on the Donner trail.

[Scene: Wild west scenery. Planet Express ship converted to a wagon and being pulled by two oxen.]

Leela: It's a good thing we brought the oxen. Usually, we don't.

Fry: I've never been out west before, but I'm learning a lot from these Borax Kid action books.

[Showing a moving picture inside the action book Fry is reading.]

Maxwell's Demon: [Stealing gold molecules] I'm robbing this vault and ain't no ionic compound gonna stop me!

Borax Kid: [Cocks gun] Freeze, Maxwell's Demon. I'd advise you to drop those gold molecules.

Maxwell's Demon: The Borax Kid! I'm gonna pump you full of lead. [He shoots lead atoms out of a revolver.]

Fry: You know, 'round these parts, folks don't think things. They reckon them. And instead of an idiot, I'll be known as a galoot!

[At the back of the wagon.]

Hermes: Isn't this scenery spectacular, Dwight?

Dwight: Uh-huh.

Hermes: Your mother thought you'd enjoy some fresh air for once.

Dwight: [Playing video game] She sure was wrong.

Hermes: Well, anyway, I'm really looking forward to some quality father-son time.

Dwight: With who?

[Scene: Mountainous scenery by a river.]

Professor: Ah, crypto country. There's thallium in them thar hills! Priceless, toxic thallium.

Bender: [Extends his arm and picks up an ore on the road.] Um, is this thallium?

Professor: [Bites the ore then smacks his lips.] Oh my, yes! High-grade ore!

Amy: Um, Professor? Toxic.

Professor: Relax. They're my prospecting teeth.

[Professor takes his teeth out of his mouth.]

Professor: Oh, quit your chattering. We're almost there.

[Scene: The crew arrives at the outskirt of a town.]

[A prospector waves by a sign that reads "Doge City pop. 99".]

Prospector: Welcome to Doge City! Looks like you got seven hornswogglers and a galoot! [Changes the sign to read "pop. 107".]

Amy: Woo-hoo! We made it!

Leela: It's pretty lawless out here in crypto country, so put on your protective headgear.

[The crew putting on western style cowboy hats and bowler hats.]

[Leela switches the gear of the wagon to "Hyah!"]

Leela: Hyah!

[The prospector suffers a heart attack and dies, before briefly opening his eyes to change the sign again, so it reads "pop. 106".]

[Scene: The wagon goes through the main street of the town.]

Amy: Kind of old-fashioned for a town built on high-speed computation.

Professor: Well, every watt of electricity goes to the Bitcoin mining computers. For everyone else, it's practically like living in the Old West.

Amy: Old West. Got it. [Winks]

Professor: Until we stake our claim and strike it rich, keep in mind, we're bankrupt. So we'll all need to do Old West stuff to get by.

Leela: Old West. Got it.

[Scene: Interior of a saloon. Pianola Bot is playing the piano. The crew enters.]

Delilah: [Standing behind the bar] Welcome, friends. What'll you have?

Zoidberg: Your freest beverage. We're very poor.

Delilah: Gotcha. I'll just mix all the unfinished drinks together and start a tab. [Starts to mix the drinks.]

Amy: She seems nice.

Pianola Bot: At times, yes. Though her mood fluctuates like the price of Bitcoin.

[Delilah throws a man out of the saloon's main door.]

Delilah: [In an angry voice] And don't come back till you settle your tab! [In a sympathique voice] Though, I do regret hurting you. I tell you what. Go see the girls in the back room. It's on me.

Fry: Girls?

Pianola Bot: Yep. Delilah runs a house of ill repute in back.

Fry: "Ill"? You mean a hospital?

Pianola Bot: I mean a cathouse.

Fry: A pet store?

Pianola Bot: A brothel.

Fry: A soup kitchen?!

Pianola Bot: Yeah... A soup kitchen.

[Gunshots, man yelling. Roberto enters with a gun in hand.]

Dwight: Whoa! Who's that?

Hermes: A psychotic killer, that's who! Get down!

Bender: Hey, Roberto! What's with the piece? I thought you were more of a knife guy.

Roberto: Out here in the West, I need something shootier. Like this gun-knife I invented-stole! Where's that beer I ordered-didn't order?!

Waitress Bot: You didn't order a-- [Yelps after being shot]

Delilah: Say, you're new in town and low on cash. You interested in a job as a barmaid and/or a prostitute?

Amy: Um, I'm not sure Leela has the skills to be a barmaid.

Leela: Gimme the tray!

[Scene: The crew exits the saloon. There's a livestock auction.]

Auctioneer: Alright, up next, our final item. This burro is in near-mint condition. Perfect for hauling Bitcoin, light housework, or just abusing. Bidders? Bidders? Do I have any bidders?

Someone in the crowd: Twelve-millionths of a Bitcoin!

Auctioneer: Twelve micro-Bitcoin. Do I hear 13? Thirteen, 13?

Someone in the crowd: Not from me, you don't!

Bender: Fifteen! I always wanted to own a racehorse.

Amy: That's a donkey, Bender.

Bender: Donkeys are just ugly horses, Amy.

Auctioneer: [Rings a bell] Sold to the zoologist over there!

Bender: [Hugs the donkey] Oh! I'm gonna call him Rusty.

Auctioneer: Good 'cause that's his name!

[Scene: Mountainous scenery. Hermes and Dwight are hiking.]

Hermes: Ah! This looks like a good place to make camp. Doesn't it look like a good place to make camp?

Dwight: It looks stupid. This whole trip is stupid. You're stupid, Pops!

Hermes: I appreciate your constructive criticism, son.

Dwight: I wish Roberto were my dad. He's cooler than a green snake smoking a sugar cane vape. [Mimics Roberto's stabbing and laugh.]

Hermes: No self-respecting green snake would do that!

[Scene: Professor and Bender enter a Bitcoin trade shop.]

Professor: Kind sir, could you assay this nugget? By my tooth test, I estimate it's 0.3% thallium.

Bitcoin trader: Tooth test? [Cackles] Balderweeds. Let's see what my metallurgical analyzer says.

[The trader analyzes the ore with a pair of teeth.]

Analyzer: 0.3% thallium.

Bitcoin trader: Hoo-hoo, boy! I'll give you 100 micro-Bitcoin for it.

Bender: But we need a million times that amount or we're gonna get clamped!

Bitcoin trader: [Cackles] Robot Mafia, huh? Eh. Well, maybe there's some thallium in that there chassis of yours.

[Bender takes off his ass.]

Bender: Assay my shiny metal ass!

Analyzer: 0.0000...

Bitcoin trader: Tain't even worth melting down.

Bender: Well then, perhaps my ass might be of value to you in some other way?

Bitcoin trader: Eh, it might make a good frying pan, but fried food makes me cackle. [Cackles]

Professor: We'll just sell you the nugget.

[The trader swipes a device. Bender makes a cash register ding.]

Professor: May I ask who turns the thallium into microchips?

Bitcoin trader: I'm an all-in-one operation. My motto is, "He who smelts it, dealts it!"

[He puts the nugget in a machine, which then produces some microchips on an assembly line.]

Bitcoin trader: Pop one of those in a high-end server, and blam! You're mining crypto.

[The server makes a ding.]

Bitcoin trader: Ooh, lookie there! Found another Bitcoin! [Checks the server] Aw, dog dumplings. It's just a danged Ethereum.

[Scene: Zoidberg enters Doc Fiesta's cabinet.]

Zoidberg: Hello, I'm Zoidberg. Like you, I'm a doctor. So, uh, what's your survival rate?

Doc Fiesta: Pretty high. I'm a psychiatrist. Got a patient coming 'round for anger management about now.

[Door opens. Roberto enters.]

Roberto: Hiya, Doc. Boy, it's been a stressful week. [Noticing Zoidberg] What's with the jumbo prawn?

Doc Fiesta: A colleague. Mind if he sits in?

Roberto: Yes, I do mind! I value doctor-patient confidentiality!

[He shouts and fires the gun-knife.]

Doc Fiesta: Ah!

[Roberto leaves the cabinet. Zoidberg strikes out "Fiesta" on the door and writes "Zoidberg" underneath.]

[Scene: Saloon interior.]

Fry: So, how's business?

Leela: Disappointing. I only got 30 cents in tips and one request to visit the back room. I mean, I wouldn't go, but it's nice to be asked. Can you think of anything I can do to look sluttier?

Fry: Nope. [Gasps] Look! The Borax Kid! And his sidekick Mumbles!

Leela: You know he's not actually a hero like in his books, right? He's a poker cheat and a low-down base mineral.

Fry: Wow. The Borax Kid.

[Fry walks up to Borax Kid.]

Fry: Excuse me, Mr. Kid. My name is Fry, and I'm a big fan of your young adult adventures.

Borax Kid: Oh, really? Uh, do you play poker?

Fry: Yeah, but I was warned not to play poker with you.

Borax Kid: Well, then how about a hand of Colorado Chump?

Fry: As long as it's not poker. So what are you doing here? Fighting evil or just helping townspeople?

Borax Kid: Not much money in helping folks. Double chump. You lose.

Roberto: [Shouting from outside] I heard the Borax Kid's in town. Come on out here, Kid!

Borax Kid: Mumbles, go see what all that fuss is about. And wear my signature hat.

Mumbles: [Mumbling.]

[Gunshots. Mumbles falls down in the street.]

Zoidberg: Mumbles is dead!

Mumbles: [Mumbling.]

Zoidberg: Don't argue with me, Mumbles. I'm the town doctor.

Borax Kid: Well, shucks. My sidekicks seem to be dying right regular. And in gruesome fashion. Care to be my new sidekick?

Fry: Really? Do I get to die in your next book?

Borax Kid: Page three.

Fry: Then you got yourself a galoot.

[Scene: Outside town. Fry and the Borax Kid enter a tent.]

Fry: Nice camp. Is this my tent?

Borax Kid: No. You only come in to tidy up. There's just enough room for me and my private library there.

Fry: Can I sleep in the library?

Borax Kid: I'd like to say yes, but then it wouldn't be private.

[Scene: Riverside camp of the Planet Express crew.]

Dwight: This place has too much outdoors! It's all bugs and no Wi-Fi.

Hermes: Don't get your dreads in a knot, son. Any more than they're supposed to be. How about a father-son limbo break?

Dwight: I hate limbo, Dad! Limbo is stupid. [Runs away.]

Hermes: Limbo stupid? Where did I go wrong?

Professor: Probably when you took up limbo. From what I'm hearing, it's stupid.

Amy: Bender! Where are the shovels I asked you to pack?

Bender: Oh, you said shovels? I thought you said take a break and do nothing.

Professor: Hm. Then we'll just have to find thallium the old-fashioned way. By panning.

Bender: Panning? With what?

[Amy panning with Bender's Ass.]

Bender: [Sighs] Sometimes, I think a detachable ass is more a curse than a blessing. Come on, Rusty.

[Bender rides Rusty in the sunset, takes out his guitar, Salmonella, and starts to sing.]

Bender: [Singing] We're just a guy with no ass
And his ass
Assin' it up under an asinine sky
Assin' to the tumbleweeds as we ass by
Yodeling a cowboy tune
But, not yet!
People sass me on my ass as we pass
They say, wouldn't it be better if my ass rode me?
They tell me I outweigh my ass
By a factor of three
So, I punch 'em and I kick their
Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo
[Rusty brays in harmony.]
Ass, butt, rear-end, ass
Yodel-ay hee hoo--

[Bender falls down. Rusty yelps.]

Bender: What the? Rusty! No!

[Bender and Rusty fall off a treadmill. Rusty cracks his bones and brays painfully.]

Bender: Oh, why didn't I listen to my own song?!

[Scene: Saloon interior. Pianola Bot is playing.]

Bitcoin trader: Get yourself tuned or get outta town, you overgrowed teletype machine. [Cackles.]

Pianola Bot: Eh, shut your cackling trap!

[Leela hits both with a tray.]

Leela: Cram that racket! This is a nice, quiet saloon with attached bordello.

Delilah: You handle the menfolk pretty well. [In a menacing voice] But mess with my customers again, and I'll kill you in your sleep! [In a sympathique voice] Lovin' the boots.

Leela: Um, have you considered seeing someone about your mood swings?

Delilah: No! But it is a good idea.

[Roberto playing with the gun-knife. Dwight enters.]

Dwight: Mr. Roberto? Folks call me Amarillo Dwight. On account of I wrote a geography report on it. Done got me a "A". How's about you and me team up and rob stuff?

Roberto: What are you, like, 11?

Dwight: Twelve.

Roberto: Close enough. I need a kid for a job I'm planning. [Pointing outside the window.] See that stagecoach?

[A red stagecoach parks outside.]

Roberto: It's taking a USB stick with a company's weekly haul of Bitcoin credentials to a bank in San Francisc-y. Only, they ain't never gonna reach San Francisc-y.

Dwight: Why not? They using Apple Maps?

[Scene: Zoidberg's cabinet.]

Zoidberg: [Groans] Not one patient. Not even a case of splinters to treat with my bone saw.

[Bender enters holding Rusty.]

Zoidberg: Thanks, robot, but I couldn't eat a thing right now.

[Rusty brays weakly.]

Bender: [Sniffles] Can you save him, Doc?

Zoidberg: [Cheerfully] If it's something that can be cured by a bone saw! I'll need anesthetic! Get me a bottle of animal whiskey!

[Scene: In a valley.]

Roberto: Ha-ha! They see a cute kid lying in the road, stagecoach gotta stop. Then I jump out and stab 'em! Bang!

Dwight: But, won't that be, like, murder? 'Cause colleges look at stuff like that.

Roberto: Here they come! Shut up and look cute.

[The stagecoach approaches and runs over Dwight. Dwight screams.]

Roberto: Guess you ain't as cute as I thought.

[Dwight stands up but his spine falls back into a limbo position.]

[Scene: Dusk. Outside Borax Kid's camp.]

Fry: The West can be dangerous at night, Leela, so thanks for walking me home.

[A mountain lion appears.]

Fry: Don't worry. The Kid will save us, right?

Borax Kid: Right. [Retreats into his tent.]

Fry: Better back off, puma.

Leela: I think it's actually a cougar.

Fry: Puma, cougar, whatever! Get him, Kid!

Leela: Or a mountain lion. You know, they're really all the same animal.

[Fry fires his gun. The mountain lion flees. Borax exits the tent.]

Borax Kid: It seems I bravely shot that catamount just in time after Fry missed.

Leela: Thanks, Kid. Maybe I was wrong about you.

Borax Kid: Beautiful ladies are wrong about lots of things. [clicks tongue.]

[Leela giggles.]

Fry: Ah, it's nice to see you two getting along so intimately.

[Scene: At the riverside camp.]

Amy: It's hopeless! There's barely any thallium! Just worthless gold. [Reveals a big pile of gold nuggets.]

Bender: Well, Rusty's good as new!

Zoidberg: I performed surgery on Bender's ass! Zoidberg is the hero!

Amy: No! Bender's ass is! I mean his butt ass.

[Amy shows a large thallium nugget. All gasp.]

Bender: It's so beautiful. Hey, what's that big rock on it?

Professor: It's enough thallium to pay off all our debts! Eh, well, mine, anyway.

Hermes: Only the assay shop's closed for the night, and it's getting dark.

Professor: We'll have to take turns guarding the nugget with our lives until morning. I'd take a shift myself, but I am already in my pajamas. [Goes into his tent and starts snoring.]

Bender: [Picking pedals off a daisy] I steal it. I steal it not. I steal it...

Roberto: Gimme the nugget! And the daisy, too. I gotta know how it comes out!

[The next day morning.]

Professor: Ah, nature. I hate it. Let's sell that thallium nugget and hit the trail.

Hermes: Oh, no. The nugget is gone! And so is Bender.

[Muffled braying.]

Professor: Eh, wha?

Amy: Oh, my gosh! Rusty! Bray us what happened!

[Rusty runs away.]

Amy: Come on! He's picked up Bender's scent!

Hermes: His what now?

[Scene: The crew and Rusty enter the saloon.]

[Pianola Bot is playing. He stops, swaps piano rolls, and starts to play a tense music.]

[The crew stands before the door to the backroom.]

Pianola Bot: Back room don't open till church lets out.

[Rusty kicks down the door.]

All: [Gasp] It's empty!

Amy: This is the worst brothel I've ever seen.

[The crew enters the server room. All gasp.]

Professor: It's an immense Bitcoin mine! Or an even worse brothel.

Amy: These aren't servers. They're robot heads! Someone's using them to mine Bitcoin!

Hermes: That's actually a pretty reasonable use case for robot heads. But--

Zoidberg: [Pointing at Bender's head] Hey! It's a guy I know.

[All gasp.]

Zoidberg: Are you okay, Bender?

Bender: No, I'm not okay! That's a stupid question!

Roberto: I was peacefully stealing your thallium, when, suddenly-- Ha-ha! I was kidnapped by our friend from the saloon.

[Door opens. Delilah enters.]

Delilah: I'm not your friend.

[Dramatic sting.]

Delilah: [Laughs] Though, I do like you a lot.

[Dramatic music.]

Delilah: Didn't you ever wonder who was gettin' rich off all this Bitcoin nonsense?

Zoidberg: [Angrily] Never!

Delilah: Computer servers are expensive, but robot heads are cheap. Heck, free.

Professor: Mining Bitcoin with kidnapped robot heads? It's pure evil!

Delilah: Hardly. I donate all the proceeds to a local orphanage.

All: Aw...

Delilah: But I can't let you tell anyone about my generous scheme, so I'll have to seal you in this comfortably air-conditioned warehouse. Forever!

[All gasp.]

Delilah: But I'll drop by every day with snacks.

Hermes: Aw...

Zoidberg: Snacks are good.

[Door slams.]

[Scene: Borax Kid's tent.]

[Fry is cleaning bed while humming.]

[Fry lifts the curtain to the library and reveals the blue books on the shelf. Dramatic sting.]

Fry: Huh.

[Scene: Backroom.]

Bender: Crypto mining was total hell. Any number you can think of, there's a number bigger than that!

Amy: [Banging on the door] So how do we get out of here?

Bender: Easy. We'll burrow out!

[Rusty is digging and braying.]

Bender: Burro! Burrow!

[Rusty kicks Bender.]

Bender: [Weakly] I deserved that.

[Scene: Main street.]

Borax Kid: This tie pin? Why, it was a gift from my good friend Diamond Jim Diamond.

Leela: That guy who's just a big diamond? You know him?

Fry: Step away from Leela, Kid. The jig is up! I found your collection of Buffalo Bill Cobalt novels. You just copied those and replaced his name with yours!

Leela: What?!

Borax Kid: Well, now, there's nothing illegal about that. Those old stories are public domain. I change up a few words and claim the copyright for myself. Ya ever heard of Cinderella?

Leela: That is so evil!

Fry: I'm calling you out, Kid.

[Dramatic music. Pianola Bot exits the saloon.]

Bitcoin trader: I told you, stop that racket! [Cackling.]

Pianola Bot: Not till you stop that damn cackling!

Bitcoin trader: Then I'm callin' you out. [Cackling.]

[Delilah walks on the skyway. The ground sinks. The crew comes out.]

Bender: Delilah, you head-napper! I'm calling you out!

Delilah: You're on.

Zoidberg: Look out, Fry! He's got the ace of spades!

Borax Kid: That, sir, was my cheatin' hand.

[Gunshots. Bitcoin trader cackling. Piano playing. Hermes screaming.]

Dwight: Pops! Get outta there!

Hermes: I'm too scared! There's bullets in every dimension!

Dwight: Hang on! I'm limboing in! You. Play something Jamaican. [Flips a coin to Pianola Bot]

[Jamaican music playing.]

Hermes: Your spine! It's magnificent!

Dwight: I take after my dad. Also, I got run over. Now, follow me!

[Gunfire continues. Bullet ricochets. Piano stops.]

Roberto: This gun violence has to end! Can't we all just agree to use knives? Ha-ha!

[Gunfire stops.]

Borax Kid: Well, shucks.

Leela: Ow!

Fry: Oops. Sorry, Leela.

Borax Kid: Ma'am, I'd be right honored to disinfect your wound with the kiss of borax. May I escort you to the brothel, so as you can lie down?

Leela: I've never been so offended yet slightly flattered!

Borax Kid: Then, I reckon I'll be moseying off to plagiarize another adventure. Ma'am. [Runs away.]

Fry: Perhaps I could disinfect your wound.

Leela: I'd like that. Care to escort me to the brothel?

Professor: It seems, Miss Delilah, you've taken a shot to the bustle.

Delilah: Fortunately, it bounced off your damned thallium nugget. Here. It's rightfully yours.

Professor: Oh! Well, I'd better go exchange this for Bitcoin, so I can--

[Robot Mafia appears.]

Clamps: Pay back the Robot Mafia?! [Clamps.]

Professor: Exactly. I'll be back in a moment.

Delilah: And in the meantime, how would you gents fancy a visit to the backroom?

Donbot: That sounds like something we would enjoy.

Dwight: I love you, Pops. And limbo is not entirely stupid.

Hermes: Oh, son. Neither are you. [Hugs Dwight.]

[Scene: Backroom interior. Dramatic crescendo.]

Donbot: If we ever get outta here, I'm gonna give this brothel a really bad Yelp review.

[Closing Credits.]

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