Transcript:A Clockwork Origin

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Transcript for
A Clockwork Origin
Written byDan Vebber
Transcribed byTeyrn of Highever
[Opening Credits: This time, it's personal.]
[Scene: Planet Express, Meeting Room. The crew are sitting at the table.]

Hermes: Item one... Duck! [Most duck just in time, but Bender is clipped by Cubert on a party board.]

Prof. Farnsworth: Cubert, you crapscallion! What aren't you in school?

Cubert: I couldn't get past the protesters. A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these anti-evolution flyers.

[He shows the Professor one. It shows a woman spanking a man wearing a dunce cap that says "Darwin". It reads "Teach truth, not evolution. Also bring back spanking".]

Farnsworth: [He gasps.] Evolution is under attack in our schools? To the science mobile.

Leela: You mean the ship?

Farnsworth: Yes. The science mobile!

Leela: It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay.

[Scene: Wozniak Nerd Academy. The ship passes a sign that says "Go Flinchers!". It lands.]

Woman: I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers!

[The crowd listening cheers]

Farnsworth: [Walking to the podium.] You people are as loud as you are ignorant. Now, get back on your turnip trucks and go home!

[The crowd boos.]

Hydroponic farmer: [Standing in front of a turnip truck.] That is an insultingly accurate stereotype, sir!

Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.

Dr. Banjo: I cannot speak for you, sir, but my ancestors were not monkeys. They were orangutans. Hard-working, patriotic orangutans.

[An orangutan walks up from the crowd. He is wearing a suit and glasses.]

Farnsworth: Dr. Banjo?

Dr. Banjo: In the fur. And I remind you that evolution is merely a theory. Like gravity, or the shape of the Earth.

[The crowd cheers again.]

Flying Spaghetti Monster: Hey, Professor, I'm a Flying Spaghetti Monster. You seriously believe I've descended from some kind of flightless manicotti?

Farnsworth: Yes!

Banjo: Oh, please. A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of Creatureism. All life was created in its present form seven thousand years ago, by a fantastical creature from outer space!

Farnsworth: Bunk!

Banjo: Oh! [He shows a hologram of a man and a chimpanzee, with a backwards prohibition sign running through an arrow.] If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient apes?

Farnsworth: We did find it! [The arrow is replaced by Homo erectus.] It's called Homo erectus!

Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus. [The arrow is put between before Homo erectus.]

Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in again.] It's called Homo habilis!

Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis.

Farnsworth: Yes, they have! [The hologram fills in.] It's called Australopithecus africanus!

Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! [Time Lapse. The hologram now shows 19 different species of ape. Only Fry and Leela are still there.] Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this Darwinius masillae? Answer me that, Professor!

Farnsworth: Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

Banjo: [He scoffs.] Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!

[Scene: Olduvai Gorge. A sign reads "Welcome to Olduvai Gorge. Birthplace of Ryan Seacrest (and the rest of mankind). The crew are excavating.]

Farnsworth: I'll show that banana-swilling, poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link.

Leela: I found a missing link. It seems to be half-man, half-toucan. [She shows a human shaped skull with a large beak.]

Farnsworth: Not what we're looking for. Throw it in the soup! [She throws it in a pot.]

Hermes: And here's something. [He holds up a fossilized dog] Uh-oh. It's another one of Fry's dogs.

Fry: Did you find something, Hermes?

Hermes: [Hiding the fossil behind his back.] No. [The dog lands in the soup.]

Amy: I hate chiseling right after a manicure. Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers!

Zoidberg: [He and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.] Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! [Cubert looks at him, deadpan.] What, too soon?

Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.

Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.

Bender: Hey, look! I found a robot fossil! [He picks up a spring.]

Farnsworth: That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils!

Bender: What? Who says I didn't evolve?

Farnsworth: Everybody! Robots were created quite recently. It was in all the papers.

Bender: Then explain this! [He turns around and works on something. He turns around and shows the Professor. He has put eyes on the spring and mounted it on a plaque that says "I hate Mondays".]

[Time Lapse.]

Farnsworth: I've hit a rich vein of missing links. Java Man, Piltdown Man, Manfred Mann. [He throws out the skulls as he names them.] Eureka! [He is holding a skull.] It's the elusive missing missing link! This will show Banjo, once and for all!

[The crew cheers from nearby, where they are eating their soup.]

Fry: [He scoops up some soup. Amy's finger is in the spoon.] What the...

Amy: Oh, that's mine. [She takes it back.]

[Scene: NNY. Museum of Natural History. A banner reads "World Bone Premiere".]

Bender: [He walks up to the Professor, wearing an under-sized Tuxedo.] Hmm, my tux doesn't fit. Probably because I've grown so much since I last wore it, or evolved, one might say.

Farnsworth: One might not say that! Your tux doesn't fit because you stole it from a boy!

Bender: You mean a man! It was his Bar Mitzvah.

Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. [The crowd chuckles weakly.]

Zoidberg: [To Cubert.] He's good.

Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth. [A curtain rises, revealing the skull and an artist's recreation of the hominid.]

Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end.

Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!

[The Professor does a spit take His dentures land in a painting of a Tarsier].

Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution. [He pulls a cord and a painting of Homo farnsworth riding a dinosaur is revealed.] Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.

Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off.]
[Scene: Deep Space.]

Farnsworth: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that asteroid over there.

[Scene: Robo-Planetoid.]

Leela: Wow, this planetoid is completely lifeless.

Farnsworth: Not lifeless enough! Set up my shack so that I can kick you out of it!

[Hermes sets down a container labeled "Blow Shack" and pulls the cord. The shack pops up and sends Hermes flying.]

Fry: [Looking at a polluted pond.] Professor, is this your only water source? It looks like Diet Dr. Pepper.

Farnsworth: It's not that bad. It's just laden with toxic minerals. But not for long. [He rattles a tube.]

Fry: What's in the tube?

Farnsworth: Microscopic Nanobots. [He empties the tube. The robots quickly start cleaning the water.] They're tiny robots I designed to eat up nasty irritants.

Fry: Speaking of nasty irritants, what's going to become of Cubert?

Farnsworth: Who? Oh, my son. Don't worry, he's been safely abandoned with his godfather.

[Scene: Planet Express. Cubert and Dr. Zoidberg are sitting at a table.]

Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.

Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell!

Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they?

[Scene: Robo-Planetoid.]

Hermes: [He walks out of the Professor's shack.] Okay, I finished moving the last grand piano. Now can we have our pizza?

Farnsworth: You'll get your damned pizza, you parasite! First, let see if my Nanobots have purified the water yet. [He pours some water from an Erlenmeyer flask on to a microscope slide and examines it.] Ah, the water's as sterile as my milkman-trusting father. But what's this? The Nanobots have gotten more complex.

Bender: What's that you say? Those robots have evolved all by themselves, you say?

Farnsworth: It wasn't by themselves! I put them there. I'm a genius. Get over it!

Amy: Hey look, now they gotten bigger. [The robots are coming onshore.]

Farnsworth: Good heavens! Trilobots!

[The Trilobots cannibalize the ship while the crew look on in shock.]

Leela: Oh, no! My sunglasses were in there!

[Time lapse. The Trilobots attack the crew.]

Hermes: Let's get the pizza out of here. [Hermes runs off with the pizza. The crew follows. The Trilobots cannibalize everything, including the Professor's shack and the pianos inside.]

Amy: Look, there's a cave-like hole in that mountain. It might be a cave. [The crew runs into the cave and blocks the door with a boulder.]

Leela: Does anyone have a lighter?

Bender: Hang on. [He opens a beer and drinks. He burps and adjusts the flame.]

Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.

Hermes: It's pizza time. [He passes boxes to the rest of the crew.]

Amy: Pineapple?

Hermes: So much for that. [They all throw away the pizza.]

[Scene: Planet Express. Cubert's room.]

Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. [He points to a crude drawing of himself and Cubert in costume.] This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working?

Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt!

Zoidberg: [Sadly.] Father-Man away. [He scuttles off. Cubert looks ashamed.]

[Scene: Robo-Planetoid. The crew is waking up.]

Hermes: Nothing like a cave for a good night's sleep. So what do we have to eat that's not poisoned with pineapple?

Farnsworth: I packed plenty of food, but it's all in dehydrated pill form. [He holds up a bottle that says "Steak Dinner 40 mg. Fixin's 10 mg".]

Leela: Then we need water from that pond. We'll have to fight our way past the Trilobots. [Bender moves the boulder.] Go! Go! Hit anything that moves!

[The crew rushes out, Karate-chopping the non-existent enemies. They all fall into a pile. They get up and take in their surroundings.]

Fry: Whoa.

Bender: Wow.

Amy: A whole forest grew overnight.

Farnsworth: [He knocks on a tree. It is metal and hollow.] All these trees are robotic. I can't believe how quickly they sprung up.

Bender: I can. Robots do everything faster. Including evolving and believing how quickly things spring up.

Leela: [She gets water from the pond and re-hydrates the pill. It turns into a steak.] One thing about Bristol-Myers Squibb, they know how to cook a steak. [She takes a bite.]

Fry: [In the pond, using a robotic leaf as a boat.] Look at me, I'm the Ty-D-Bol man. I own a yacht an everyone poops on me. [He is attacked by a robotic Plesiosaurs.] Help! Police!

Leela: Everybody grab a club. [The rest of the crew starts hitting the robot.]

Fry: [The robot throws opens its mouth and Fry hits the ground, several feet away.] Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and... [A robotic T-Rex grabs him in its jaws.]

Amy: Look out for the next thing!

[A robotic Triceratops rams the T-Rex. The T-Rex robot falls into the water and the Triceratops turns on the crew.]

Farnsworth: Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops!

[The two robot dinosaurs in the pond attack each other.]

Fry: Woo-hoo! Throw down dinosaurs of the land and sea. [Something crows and Fry screams. A robot Pterosaur carries him off.] This is a cool way to die!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express.]

Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser. [Zoidberg comes out of his dumpster.]

Zoidberg: Go on.

Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism.

Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? [He laughs.]

Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit.

[Brett's insides start boiling and he pushes himself through a fence, coming towards Cubert. Cubert sees this and backs away, whimpering.]

Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? [He bursts into tears.]

Brett: [He laughs.] The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.

Zoidberg: And that's that.

Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster Jedi.

Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? [He opens the other lid.] I've got a nice pound cake with a footprint on it.

[Scene: Robo-Planetoid. Fry is being taken to the robot Pterosaur's nest.]

Fry: [Trying to avoid the babies Pterosaurs.] Ah! Don't eat my butt!

[The others are crawling in the brush, trying to get to Fry.]

Leela: If this is anything like killing that pigeon on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us.

[The robot T-rex and another dinosaur attack them. Fry is still trying not to be eaten. The sun flares.]

Farnsworth: Look out, a solar flare!

[An energy wave hits the Planetoid, turning Fry's hair into an afro and short-circuiting the robots.

Amy: What the shmell happened?

Farnsworth: A mass extinction. [Fry lands unceremoniously near them.] That solar flare created a huge electromagnetic pulse that while harmless to organic life, short-circuited the robo-dinosaurs.

Leela: Convenient.

Farnsworth: Only puny, mammal-like robots cowering in caves could survive such a catastrophe.

[Bender waits until this moment to move the boulder and leave the cave. He is wearing a scarf.]

Bender: Guys, guys! I taught myself to knit.

Farnsworth: Wait a moment. If we could scavenge the right parts from these robo-dinos, I might be able to construct a rudimentary spaceship to get us off this planet!

[Time Lapse. The crew is standing in front of a spaceship.]

Farnsworth: Oh, well, it took almost two hours, but it's finished. [The crew cheers.] Now let's go... to sleep. It's solar powered, so we can't take off until sunrise.

Bender: Well, let's find something comfy to bed down on. [Time Lapse. Bender is sleeping on top of Fry, Hermes, and the Professor.]

[Nearby, Leela and Amy are kidnapped by unknown robots. The rest take no notice, with Bender fluffing his Fry-pillow and turning over.]
[Time Lapse. The next morning, a mechanical rooster crows and the crew leaves their cave.]

Fry: Hey, looky here. [Mechanical flowers have sprung up, there are animals everywhere.]

Hermes: Sweet robot swan of Botswana!

Bender: Looks like the fittest did a little surviving last night, huh?

Farnsworth: Whatever.

Fry: Hey, looky there. [Amy and Leela are still being abducted.]

Hermes: Those robo-cavemen have kidnapped our human regular-women!

Fry: We gotta save them! But the only weapon we have is my fan dance. [He shows off a fan.]

Farnsworth: Hmm, I believe I can fashion a slingshot using this robot wishbone and this elastic from my pants. [His pants fall down.]

[Scene: Cavemen's cave. The cavemen drops their captives on the ground. They grunt at them and drop a broom nearby.]

Amy: I think they want wives, so just play along. If it doesn't work out, we'll still get half their rocks.

Leela: I can earn my own rocks! Also, I don't want any rocks!

[Scene: Outside the Crew's cave.]

Farnsworth: Well, it took almost twelve hours, but it's finished.

Hermes: It's too dark now, but first thing tomorrow we'll slingshot them like they've never been slangshat. [They go into their cave.]

[Time Lapse. The next morning. The remaining crew run out of the cave, screaming war cries. They run right past Amy and Leela. They stop and run back.]

Fry: What's going on? How did we save you?

Amy: It was the weirdest thing. We went to sleep, and when we woke up, our cave husbands were gone.

Leela: I'm gonna miss Spencer.

[Something rustles in the bushes nearby. The robot woman comes out. Fry snorts and scratches his head in confusion.]

Dr. Widnar: Don't be afraid, little guys. I'm not gonna hurt you. [She throws a net on Fry.]

Fry: [He whistles.] Nice net.

Widnar: You... you can speak?

Hermes: Dread my locks! A fully-evolved robot human.

Widnar: I'm Dr. Widnar, a naturalist.

Bender: And I'm Bender, baby. My human slaves and I come from a planet where organic life and robotic life evolved side by side.

Farnsworth: Oh, shut up!

Widnar: Amazing. [She pokes Hermes.] I've theorized that carbon-based, fat-filled life could exist, but until today, I never had any proof.

Leela: Good for you. Can we go home now? [Widnar throws a net on Leela.]

[Scene: Museum of Natural Robo-History. The crew looks at the "Ascent of Bot". Widnar steps up to a podium.]

Widnar: Welcome, museum members, or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. [A robot coughs.] I now present my latest discovery, the amazing non-mechanical man, Homo farnsworth.

Farnsworth: Thank you. I must say, I'm so proud to see what you've blossomed into since I first created your ancestors.

[The crowd gasps.]

Widnar: What?

Farnsworth: I thought you knew. You all evolved from some filth-gobbling Nanobots I designed. I dumped them in one of your ponds a few days ago.

Widnar: But this is Creationist talk!

Robot Farnsworth: He speaks lies! The Earth was created in eons not days.

Farnsworth: Yes, relative to you, it was eons, but, well, look at this hologram I took the day before yesterday of a robot frolicking with a robo-dinosaur. [He shows a hologram of Bender riding one of the dinosaurs. The crowd gasps again.]

Widnar: I don't want to live on this planet anymore! [She blasts off.]

Robo-Police: You're under arrest for crimes against science.

Farnsworth [He is dragged off.] No! Could you drag me by the restroom?

[USB Today Headline: "Trial of the Century. Carbon-based life-form accused of Creationism." Underneath, "Carbon-based life-form discovered.]
[Scene: Superior Gort. Exterior. Protestors are hassling the Professor.]

Robot: Go back to Roboklahoma!

[Scene: Superior Gort.]

Superior Gort Judge: Order! In the matter of Everyone v. Farnsworth, the alleged creationist faces a sentence of death by melting. Who is representing the accused?

Leela: I am...

Bender: I am, your Honor. [Everyone else gasps.]

Farnsworth: Bender, what the Hell are you doing?

Bender: Shut up, I'm billing you by the hour! Besides, I'm a robot, they'll listen to me. [He clears his throat.] Ladytrons and gentlebots...

Superior Gort Prosecutor: Objection. In the absence of pants, defense's suspenders serve no purpose.

Superior Gort Judge: I'm going to allow them, for now.

Bender: Thank you. Your Honor, this meat-man does not deny that we robots are the glorious products of evolution. He claim only to have played a small role in supplying the initial machinery. I ask you, is that so crazy? Yes, it's completely crazy, and that is why you must find him not guilty by reason of insanity! [Everyone gasps again.]

Farnsworth: Objection, I'm not crazy! I created you all and I came here in a homemade spaceship and lived in a cave. If you don't believe me, ask my uncle.

[Fry gives a thumbs-up.]

Superior Gort Judge: Prosecutor, your opening statement?

Superior Gort Prosecutor: [on cell-phone.] Yeah, honey. I'll be home by dinner. [To the Judge.] The prosecution rests, your Honor.

Superior Gort Judge: Very well, we will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict.

[A fork-lift carries the jury box out of the room.]

Bender: [To Farnsworth.] Son, you in a whole mess of trouble.

[Time lapse. The next morning. A gavel bangs.]

Superior Gort Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict?

Robotic gas forms: No, we have not, for we have evolved to a high state of consciousness. [They are all energy beings.] In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels. Now, settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out. [A blinding flash occurs and the energy beings are gone.]

Bender: [To Farnsworth.] That'll be $10,000.

[Scene: Planet Express. The ship lands. The Professor is showing Banjo pictures of his experience.]

Banjo: Well, digital photographs don't lie. I admit that what you witnessed may have been some form of evolution.

Farnsworth: I'm glad you agree, Dr. Banjo.

Banjo: Evolution set into motion by a wise and all-knowing Creator. You.

Farnsworth: [He chuckles.] Well I don't know about all-knowing. And I admit it's possible, however unlikely, that some wise and all-knowing alien monster set evolution in motion here on Earth.

Bender: And the Creator could also be a robot.

Farnsworth: Then who built this so-called Creator-robot?

Banjo: Some magical bearded robot in the sky? [He and Farnsworth laugh.]

Bender: I guess that would be stupid. Never mind.

Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son!

Zoidberg: Good, cause I'm sick of him!

[Closing Credits.]

Zoidberg: [Over credits.] I'm serious. He's a terrible person.