Transcript:Stench and Stenchibility

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Transcript for
Stench and Stenchibility
Written byEric Horsted
Transcribed bySanfazer
[Opening Credits. Caption: Not The Episode With The Dead Dog]
[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room.]

Zoidberg: Zindy, my darling. I can't believe we're finally going to meet in person!

Zindy: It won't be long, Johnny cakes. My space bus gets in at four thirty.

Zoidberg: Just in time for the "all you can stand" buffet at Chizzler!

Zindy: See you soon.

[Zindy blows a kiss.]

Fry: Zoidberg. What is that?

Zoidberg: That is the delightful creature I've been video-dating for the past four years.

Bender: Hit it with a stick!

Zoidberg: Tonight is a dream come true! A real, live date, in a physical place that exists! I just have to go straighten up in case we end up at my place.

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]

Zoidberg: There! My home's all clean except for one part... the inside.

Leela: Aw... I'm sure it's fine by the standards of a gross alien monster. Blech!

Zoidberg: Nope.

Bender: Step aside, people! I got bug bombs.

Fry: Bender. Wait. Won't the bugs just run out and infest some place else? Like our building?

Bender: Not my problem. Fire in the hole!

[Bender laughs.]

Randy: A-mazing! You move... like a young, roach-infested Gene Kelly.

Leela: Oh, my God. It's Randy!

Randy: Damn right! And I'm organisin' a tap-dance contest for the parks and rec department. If you don't enter, I'll just kill myself okay?!

Fry: Okay.

Bender: No. Wait! Me? El-o Bender? In a dance contest?

Randy: It's a way for the community to—

Bender: At last, a chance to realise my brand-new dream of bein' the greatest tap dancer... in all the world!

Randy: Well... in a three-block radius.

Bender: Of all time!

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: Zoidberg's dumpster.]

Zoidberg: You-do-do-do. Boy-boy-boy-boy. Greetings, merchant! I need something beautiful and cheap for a lady who is one of those things.

Merchant: The cheapest thing I have is a bouquet of daisies, for six dollars.

Zoidberg: Perfect! I'll take half a bouquet of daisies, for three dollars!

Merchant: These flower sheers are so dull... and I'm already in debt to every knife sharpener in town.

Zoidberg: Allow... me.

Merchant: Aw! Thank you! That girlfriend of yours is one lucky lady.

Zoidberg: I'm gonna snip her off her feet!

[Scene: Outside an NNY Bus Terminal.]

Zoidberg: Zindy! You're even more beautiful from a distance!

Zindy: Johnny cakes! Good God! What's that horrible stench?!

Zoidberg: Stench... Er er er... That's probably this stinky bus station, maybe!
Come. Let's go some place well ventilated and grow old together.

[Cut to: Another road.]

Zoidberg: Ah! Much better.

Zindy: It's even worse! It's like Comic-Con in a submarine! Oh... Oh, my God! The smell's coming from you!

Zoidberg: What? That? That's just my personal musk. You'll learn to love it! I know I did.

Zindy: I'm sorry, Zoidberg. I can't see you anymore. Something's come up.
It's vomit!

[Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]

Zoidberg: I'd like to return these for a refund. Don't worry. They're... unused.

Merchant: Oh. I'm sorry. I get so little business I can't afford refunds. I don't know what's wrong with this location.

Zoidberg: I understand.

Merchant: Please don't cry. I can't stand to see a living thing feel pain. You are a... living thing. Right?

Zoidberg: Mhm. Can I have a refund now?

Roberto: Ha ha! This here's a bayonet. It's some kinda kooky... half gun... half knife. Now empty out the register! And no bag, please. I care... about the environment.

Merchant: I... I have three dollars in mouldy pennies. It's all yours.

Roberto: That's generous of you.

Zoidberg: Oh no you don't, Mister Big Jerk! I have nothing to live for, so I don't mind telling you... Those pennies are mine.

Roberto: Don't you get it? I'm craaaaaaazyyyyy! Ha ha!

Zoidberg: Go ahead! I don't care what happens anymore. Do it! Bash my head in.

Roberto: What is that? Mustard gas? That ain't legal. Ain't you hurtin' no Geneva convention?!

[The merchant gasps.]

Merchant: That was amazing. Aw. You were so brave and frugal...

Zoidberg: I'm sorry. Don't hit me. Ooh... I like the way you hit! But I don't get it. Most women I've met can't even stand next to me without collapsing.

Merchant: What's wrong with those women?

Zoidberg: Well... some of them didn't have legs. But it's not them. It's me. How do I put this delicately? I'm smellier than a whorehouse's outhouse!

Merchant: That's... terribly vivid. Doesn't matter to me, though. I was born with no sense of smell.

Zoidberg: Really?

Merchant: My name's Marianne.

Zoidberg: Hello, you!

[Montage: Outside Burger King. The camera zooms out, revealing that it is actually Limburger King.]
[Cut to: Sign reading "DISCOUNT PETTING ZOO".]
[Cut to: Sign reading "Scenic NEW JERSEY".]
[Scene: Outside Zoidberg's dumpster.]
[Cut to: Inside Zoidberg's dumpster.]

Marianne: I like your dumpster.

Zoidberg: Thank you. The previous tenant was a very prominent raccoon!

Marianne: I remember. Too bad he got partially run over by that steamroller. Can I kiss you?

Zoidberg: First, let me pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming! Ouch! I forgot I was a giant crab!

[Scene: Outside an NNY Recreation Center. A sign reads "PLEASE GIVE BACK OUR BASKETBALL".]
[Cut to: Inside the NNY Recreation Center.]

Randy: Welcome, fans! I'm Randy, coordinator of this tap-dance-a-palooza.

Fry: Woohoo! Ran-dy!

Randy: After weeks of searching, I'm proud to introduce the five people willing to participate — Tonya... Bender... Greg... some kinda blob monster... and Petunia!

Petunia: The extra clickin' you'll hear is gonna be my hip.

Randy: F.Y.I.... this little lady has a heart condition. She's always stealing them! Also... she has a serious heart condition.

Tonya: I'm six years old, and tap dancing is my favourest thing! Even if it's not good for my pacemaker...

Audience: Aw...

[Tonya starts crying. Bender whistles.]

Bender: That is one quality pacemaker. The rest of you might as well give up now, 'cuz I'm gonna take home da— Hey. What's my grand prize gonna be?

Randy: Oh. There is no prize, Dorothy. Unless you count the satisfaction of winning.

Bender: It... will... be... mine!

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room.]

Hermes: In conclusion, bullying in the workplace in unacceptable... and will not be tolerated.

Bender: Outta my way, fattie! I'm practisin'. Ta-da!

Zoidberg: Friends! I'd like you to meet my new lady — Marianne!

Fry: What's the catch? She looks normal.

Amy: She's not a hologram.

Professor Farnsworth: Not a robo-slave.

Bender: We give up.

[Marianne laughs.]

Marianne: You guys are weird. I have to go open my flower stand, before the falafel guy takes my spot, but it was great to meet you. See ya later... crab cakes!

Amy: Dr Zoidberg... She's great!

Zoidberg: She's the best thing that ever happened to me. We had a wonderful night of love-making in my dumpster.

Others: Ewwwwwww!

Leela: I hope she used protection.

Fry: Uh... No offense, Zoidberg, but... how is she not driven to madness by your mind-altering stench?

Zoidberg: Because, my friends... she has no sense of smell!

Others: Ohhhhhhh.

Bender: That explained this.

Amy: I get it.

Zoidberg: For the first time in my life, I'm truly happy.

Hermes: It's just too bad for her there's no cure, I assume.

Professor Farnsworth: Ooh... but there is! A skilled surgeon could perform a nose transplant.

Zoidberg: You're right! And I, as a renowned ear, nose, and blowhole doctor, could do the operation!

Fry: Are you nuts?! If she could smell, she'd smell you! Your relationship would be over faster than you can say—

Professor Farnsworth: Listen to Orange Joe. You must never let the girl know of this wonderful surgery!

Zoidberg: I dunno. It doesn't seem fair to Marianne. But on the other claw... maybe I can't live without her! So you're right. I can never tell her.

Leela: You're doing the right thing.

[Scene: Outside the NNY Recreation Center. The sign now reads "TAPQUEST - DISTRICT / TAP-DANCE COMPETITION".]
[Cut to: Inside the NNY Recreation Center.]

Randy: Today the competition begins. Over the course of the summer, we'll be eliminating one contestant each week, and by "we" I mean "me". Deal with it, you babies! Let the battle begin!

[Montage: Time lapse. The caption "WEEK 1" appears on screen.]
[Cut to: Restaurant.]
[Cut to: Inside the NNY Recreation Center. The caption "WEEK 2" appears on screen.]
[Cut to: Bottle labelled "Fleur de Liz Parfum". Marianne and Zoidberg are in the Planet Express employee lounge.]
[Cut to: Inside the NNY Recreation Center. The caption "WEEK 3" appears on screen.]
[Scene: Outside the NNY Recreation Center.]
[Cut to: Inside the NNY Recreation Center. A banner reads "TAP-DANCE-A-PALOOZA".]

Randy: Okay! Before those pilates Nazis come goose-stepping in and take the room, here are the finalists for next week's championship! Bender... and Tonya!

Tonya: I just wanna have fun, because dancing is fun, and I like dancing!

Fry and Leela: Aw...

Bender: I'm gonna kick your ass, little girl!

[Cut to: Garden.]

Zoidberg: For you, my lovely rugelach.

Marianne: Thank you! It's Gardenia imperialis. You can brew it into a tea, if you like severe stomach cramps.

Zoidberg: Such a smart one! You know everything about flowers!

[Marianne sighs.]

Marianne: Everything but how they smell... Please. Describe it to me.

Zoidberg: Uh... It's like summer... with a dab of vanilla and honey... or maybe winter with some gravy on it.

[Marianne sighs again.]

Marianne: I'd give anything to be able to smell a flower like that.

Zoidberg: Marianne, my love. I've never known anyone who wanted to smell so badly... and there's a way maybe you can.

Marianne: Really?! How?

Zoidberg: We have in the doctor world something called a nose transplant. I can give you a surgery, and when it's done... you'll be able to smell. Everything.

Marianne: Oh, Zoidberg! I want the biggest nose you can find!

[Marianne hugs Zoidberg. Zoidberg hugs her too.]
[Scene: Outside the NNY Recreation Center.]
[Cut to: Locker room.]

Fry: Dude! You made the finals! Congrats!

Leela: You've accomplished so much more than most of us would bother to.

Bender: Yeah, but I'm not done yet. I got a full-proof plan to make sure I go home the champ!

Fry: You're gonna put sequins on your hat?

Bender: Pfffffff!
See that locker? Tonya keeps her tap shoes in there, so right before she dances... I'll sneak in and put rusty tacks in them. [Bender laughs evilly. Leela gasps.] The harder she dances, the more she bleeds!

Fry: Seems like a sold plan.

Leela: What?! It's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard!

Fry: That's true.

Bender: Well, it gets worse. Once Tonya drops out due to blood loss, I kidnap her parents and make them watch... while I cut off her hair with these head's clippers!

Leela: Don't you lay a hand on that angel!

Bender: Angel?! I've looked into her eyes and seen her soul! She's a monster.

Leela: You're insane! Come on, Fry. Let's go.

Fry: Okay.
See ya, Bender.

Tonya: The championship's mine, robot.

Bender: Why? Whyyyyy?! What did I not do yet to deserve this?!

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: Zoidberg's office. Zoidberg sighs.]

Amy: Aw... I think it's noble of you to give Marianne a new nose.

Hermes: Yeah. She'll be forever grateful... from somewhere upwind.

Zoidberg: True. Our relationship will end once she smells my odour. But you know what would really stink? If Marianne spent her whole life never knowing the beautiful scent of her own flowers.

Bender: Dr Zoidberg! Help!

Fry: Bender?! What happened to your leg tube?

Bender: I got beat up by a little girl. Please. Fix my knee, so I can get revenge at the tap-dance championship!

Zoidberg: I don't have time for this, robut. Here. Patch yourself up with this medicinal wacky pack. [The box is labelled "BAND-APE BANDAGES FOR MONKEYS".] It's time!

[Cut to: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: Zoidberg's office.]

Leela: I got a donor nose! There was an accident at the fencing academy.

Fry: Touché!

[Scene: Outside Zoidberg's office. A piece of paper on the door reads "NOSE TRANSPLANT IN PROGRESS / DON'T BLOW IT!".]
[Cut to: Zoidberg's office.]

Zoidberg: It'll all be over soon, my love. May I have... [He sobs.] one last kiss?

Marianne: Aw. There'll be lots more.

[They kiss.]

Zoidberg: Yes. Lots. [Zoidberg starts crying.] Nurse Amy. The anesthesia.

Marianne: Smell you later.

Amy: She's out.

Zoidberg: Then let's begin this delicate procedure.

[Scene: Outside the NNY Recreation Center. The sign now reads "TAPQUEST CHAMPIONSHIP: TONYA VS. BENDER! GO TONYA!!!".]

Randy: Okay, dance maniacs. Let's have a big hand for our finalists — cute, little Tonya... and mean, old what's-his-name!

Tonya: [whispering] Break a leg, Bender. [back to normal] Oops! Looks like you already did!

Bender: You are an evil, heartless trough... so actually... we have a lot in common. In another life, we could've been friends.

Tonya: No chance, garbage-can face!

Bender: Aw!

Randy: Brace yourselves, 'cuz we're gonna try somethin' you would never see in mainstream tap — a simultaneous, head-to-head tap-off!

Professor Farnsworth: Wha?!

Mrs Astor: Scandalous!

Randy: It's time for some fancy, shmancy dancy. Hit it, me!

[Cut to: Zoidberg's office.]
[Cut to: Inside the NNY Recreation Center.]

Bender: Ooooh!

Fry: Ow! Bender!

[Tonya laughs evilly, then gasps. Bender laughs evilly too.]

Randy: Ew! Look at him dance! He don't care.

Tonya: Try this, pegleg.

Bender: No sweat!

Randy: Time's up, kittens. The judge has conferred and the vote is in. I pick her.

Tonya: Thanks, Mister Nice Man. You know... the doctors say my heart doesn't work very good, but it feels good today, 'cuz I got to dance, and make people happy.

Bender: I never knew I could hate this much!

Leela: Bender! She's a sweet little girl!

Bender: She's a pig! I'm gonna tap-dance on her grave some day!

Leela: Ohhhhh!

Tonya: This... is the bestestest day of my whole— Gah!

Randy: Oh, my God, people! She's having a heart attack! A cute little heart attack!

Dr Cahill: I'm a doctor, and yes. They're real. Clear!

[Bender laughs.]
[Cut to: Zoidberg's office.]

Marianne: How did it go?

Zoidberg: Just perfect. This time, you can describe their beautiful aroma to me.

Marianne: What is that horrible stench?

Zoidberg: I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Marianne: It's these flowers! Bluh-ah!

Zoidberg: It's not the flowers. It's—

[Marianne sighs.]

Marianne: Much better. You smell just like I dreamed you would.

Zoidberg: But but... But but... most people think I smell like a burning zoo!

Marianne: I never learned a good smell from a bad smell, but I like the way you smell... because I like you.

[They kiss.]

Amy: It's so beautiful!

[Cut to: Inside the NNY Recreation Center.]

Dr Cahill: I'm sorry. She's gone.

[Leela sobs.]

Bender: Woohoo! In your dead face, little girl! I'm not even gonna wait to dance on your grave. I'm gonna dance on your corpse, right now.

Randy: Oh, my God!

Fry: No, Bender! What're you doin'?! No!

Leela: Bender! Stop!

Randy: The robot has to go!

Bender: Huh?! What's that?

Tonya: I took a nappie!

Dr Cahill: I don't believe it. She's alive! Bender's rhythmic chest compressions restarted her heart.

Randy: He's a big ol' hero!

Bender: No. I was... tryin'... Hey. Wait. I... Come on. What...

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]

Tonya: Just 'cuz you saved my life doesn't mean I won't beat you down again.

Bender: Man. You are irredeemably evil. Together, we shall rule the galaxy!

Hattie: Aw... What an adorable, little kajigger.

Bender: Now!

[Bender laughs evilly.]

Zoidberg: Ah. Nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning. Marianne?!

Marianne: Yes.
Listen. I've got a new job, and... well... I'm going to have to dump you.

Zoidberg: I'd like that!

[They kiss.]
[Closing Credits.]