Transcript:War Is the H-Word

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Transcript for
War Is the H-Word
Written byEric Horsted
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Touch Eyeballs To Screen For Cheap Laser Surgery.]
[Scene: 7^11. Bender looks in the beer fridges while Fry looks at the gum and candy rack.]

Fry: Hm, Spider, Hubble, Nitrogum ... ooh, Big Pink! It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.

Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.

[The till clerk is dressed in a perspex box and is serving a sergeant at the till.]

Clerk: Alright, sergeant, $100 worth of pixie stix and porno mags with your 5% military discount comes to $95. [He hands over the money, picks up his bag and leaves. Fry slaps his gum on the counter and the clerk rings it up.] That'll be 40 cents.

Fry: I believe you're forgetting about our 5% military discount.

Clerk: Well that's only for people in the military.

Bender: What? This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me!

Clerk: Alright, look. Our policy is: If for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you.

[He presses a button and a conveyor belt takes Fry and Bender through the doors onto the street.]
[Cut to: Outside 7^11. Bender's head falls off and rolls into the gutter.]

Bender: OK, now I'm mad!

[He screws it back on.]

Fry: Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, monsignor.

[Scene: Earth Army Recruiting Center. Over the decades, army recruitment posters have changed. The one hanging outside the building has the caption "Join The Army. What Are You, Chicken? Buk Buk Buk". Inside, there is a line of people waiting to sign up. Hanging on the wall is a banner showing the Earth Army's employee of the month -- in a coffin with the Earth flag draped over it.]

Bender: Hello. We're here because we, uh, love our planet!

[He and Fry chuckle. The man pushes their papers towards them.]

Recruitment Officer: Sign here on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.

Fry: Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?

Bender: You know, playing you all for chumps?

Recruitment Officer: Correct. There's no obligation. [Fry and Bender laugh as they sign. The man takes their papers back.] Unless, of course, war were declared.

[A siren sounds and a red light flashes.]

Fry: What's that?

Recruitment Officer: War were declared.

[Scene: South Street Spaceport. Kif and Zapp check off the new recruits as they board the Nimbus. Leela, Hermes, Amy and Farnsworth follow Bender and Fry as they carry their bags towards the ship.]

Farnsworth: Now be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart, to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.

[He licks his lips.]

Hermes: I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now.

[He hands them their pink slips then turns away and starts to cry.]

Leela: I wanna enlist. My friends always die if I'm not there to save them.

Zapp: Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only policy.

Leela: What?

Zapp: It's shameful, I agree. In the olden days, I proudly fought alongside female troops, shoulder to, uh, shoulder. Alas, after a series of deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues and lots of harmless pinching, the army decided women weren't fit for service. Not when I'm in charge.

Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

Zapp: If it's a lesson in love, watch out; I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?

[Kif sighs.]

Kif: "Sex-lexia".

[Time Lapse. The last soldiers board the ship, the boarding gangways are removed and the ship takes off.]
[Scene: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp stands on a platform before the troops. The Earth flag hangs behind him.]

Zapp: Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

Bender: Great, we're gonna die.

Fry: And this ham gum is all bones.

[He spits it out.]

Zapp: Now to present the logistics of our mission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please welcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth President Richard M. Nixon.

[Kif sits Nixon's head in a jar on a stool.]

Nixon: This is the brass ring, fellas. [Kif presses a button, the lights dim and a holographic image of a planet appears above the soldiers.] Planet Spheron One!

Fry: Cool effect!

Zapp: It's a desolate, ugly little planet with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value. Questions?

Soldier #1: Why is this Godforsaken planet worth dying for?

Zapp: Don't ask me, you're the one who's going to be dying.

Fry: Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?

Zapp: A valid question. [The lights come back on.] We know nothing about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this: They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.

Bender: They look like dorks!

[He waves his fists around and Fry holds him back.]
[Scene: Nimbus Training Room. Zapp, Kif and Nixon watch the soldiers train on gym equipment.]
[Time Lapse. The soldiers drop a little water onto some green blobs and they inflate into tents. Fry swallows his and drinks a glass of water. The tent inflates in his mouth and he mumbles.]

Zapp: What's the matter, private? Tent got your tongue? [chuckling] Tent got your... [talking] Kif, write that down and send it to "Humor In Uniform".

[Time Lapse. The soldiers learn to assemble their guns. Bender quickly does his but attaches his arm to it as well. He groans.]
[Time Lapse. Fry puts on a helmet that obscures his vision and holds a lightsaber. Kif releases a hovering piñata and it buzzes around Fry. Fry swings for it, misses a few times and chops it in half. Sweets fall out of it and the other soldiers scoop them up off the floor and eat them. Fry looks around in confusion.]
[Time Lapse. An exhausted Fry and Bender sit out the obstacle course. The soldiers run past them, through tyres and tunnels, under barbed wire and through the ring of fire. Another soldier breaks away from the group and runs past Fry and Bender.]

Fry: Whoa! Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales!

[The soldier passes the finish line and Kif splits a stopwatch.]

Kif: That new recruit is phenomenal, sir.

Zapp: Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds ... [Kif frowns.] ... and 16 minutes ... and 12 hours. I do plan to finish someday, Kif. Good hustle, soldier.

[He pats the soldier's bum and he turns around and slaps Zapp. The soldier has purple hair, a purple beard and wears a visor across his eyes. Shock, horror, it's actually Leela. Not that Zapp notices.]

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Uh, sorry, sir. I was still in attack mode. You know how testosterone is.

Zapp: As a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones, I sure do. What's your name, private?

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Lee-- [She covers her mouth.] La ... man. La Man ... Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.

[She salutes.]

Zapp: Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a man's man's man. More importantly, your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet child. What lotion do you use?

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Pert and Popular, sir.

Zapp: Roger that. Kif, get me ten cases of Pert and Popular.

Kif: What shall I do with your Jergens, sir?

Zapp: Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows. [Leela sneaks off.] Private Lee Lemon may well be the finest recruit I've seen in all my years of service. That young man fills me with hope and some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing to me.

Kif: Ew!

[Scene: Nimbus Mess Hall. Zapp watches the soldiers through a pair of binoculars. He looks at Leela, sitting at a table alone and zooms in.]

Zapp: [sexfully] Hello!

[Nixon sits with Zapp at the table. Kif pours wine into Zapp's glass and then pours some into Nixon's jar. He slurps it.]

Nixon: Mmm! Now that's a nice rosé. So, anyway, we open up the panda crate and, wouldn't you know it, the damn thing's dead! Up-chucked it's bamboo. True story.

[Zapp continues to look through the binoculars.]

Zapp: Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's whatever you were talking about for you.

[Fry, Bender, soldier #1 and a hick carry their trays to Leela's table.]

Fry: Mind if we sit with you?

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Uh, hey, why the hell would I? We're all guys here. Sweaty, hairy, gassy guys.

[They sit down.]

Fry: Good point ... I guess.

Bender: You're my kind of soldier, Lemon. A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied pile of ugly muscle.

Hick: So. Any you fellas got a special lady back home?

Fry: Well, I sort of a have a thing for this girl I work with.

Leela: Really? [disguised, deeper voice] What type is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese, or Cyclops?

Fry: Cyclops.

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Aww, she sounds sweet.

Bender: But sweet girls aren't for you, eh? You hard-fighting, hard-farting, ugly, ugly son of a--

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Stop! Stop flattering me!

Zapp: [shouting] Ten hut! [Everyone sits to attention.] Well, well, well. If it isn't Lee Lemon: The flaming star of Brannigan's Rough Rangers. Say, uh, Lemon, do you like to read? I just got a great book on tape. It's about life in Ancient Greece and--

[An alarm goes off and everyone runs off.]

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Sir, the alarm. I think I'd better--

[Zapp puts his finger to her mouth.]

Zapp: Shh. Don't talk. Just go.

[Scene: The Nimbus goes into orbit around Spheron One.]
[Scene: Nimbus Briefing Room. The soldiers are in full battle uniform and holding their guns.]

Nixon: We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon.

Zapp: And now for the battle plan: As you all know, the key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise!

[He presses a big red button and the floor beneath the soldiers opens up.]
[Cut to: Spheron One Surface. The Nimbus is a few metres off the ground and the soldiers land in a heap. The floor closes up again.]
[Time Lapse. The soldiers stand alone on the vast planet surface. The terrain is rocky and the sky is green.]

Fry: It's creepy here.

Soldier #1: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.

Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?

Soldier #1: Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

[He whimpers. The ground begins to shake and there is a loud banging sound.]

Fry: What's happening?

Hick: Holy shoot! Lookie!

[Hundreds of pink balls bounce towards them.]

Fry: The enemy! They're balls!

[The balls knock several troops over. Other soldiers blast them with their guns and they deflate like burst balloons. Fry's gun spurts out red bursts that go nowhere.]

Leela: Charge your gun, Fry.

Fry: Oh, right.

[He winds a handle on the side of his gun and it plays Pop Goes The Weasel as it charges. A red pulse blasts out of the gun and a horse neighs. Zapp is sat on the horse which is standing on a hovering platform and he is carrying a sword.]

Zapp: Watch where you're shooting, private! You spooked Felicity. [He pats the horse's neck.] There, there, boy.

[More balls knock over more soldiers. Eight of them gang up on soldier #1 and he groans in pain. Leela kicks them away and soldier #1 quivers on the ground. He holds up a watch to Bender.]

Soldier #1: [hoarse] Give this to my son.

Bender: You got it!

Soldier #1: [hoarse] Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives.

Bender: Hey, I think your son might also like those boots.

[Time Lapse. The battle rages on. The soldiers charge their guns and Pop Goes The Weasel plays over and over.]

Hick: Cover us, buddy. You've got the only wounded-up positron shooter. [Fry quivers behind a rock as balls bounce towards him. He screams, blasts a hole in the ground and hides in it. The balls bounce past.] Fry, you emu-bellied coward!

[The balls knock over him, Bender and Leela. Four balls line up behind a bomb. Another ball pushes the first four balls and, like a Newton's Cradle, the bomb is pushed away. It rolls past Fry and stops between Leela, Bender and the hick. They scream and the fuse burns away. Bender crawls towards it.]

Fry: [shouting] Bender! No!

[Bender opens his chest cabinet.]

Bender: If they put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Bender.

[He covers the bomb, it explodes and his chassis expands.]
[Scene: DOOP Camp. The M*A*S*H theme plays. A helicopter lands on a helipad.]

P.A. Announcer: [on tannoy] Incoming wounded. All operating personnel report to tent four, repeat, four-- I mean five! Repeat, four.

[Two medics carry soldier #1 from the helicopter on a stretcher.]
[Scene: Tent Four. Fry watches through the window. A jellyfish woman, from the race from A Flight To Remember and The Lesser Of Two Evils is a nurse.]

Nurse: Are you ready to operate, doctor?

Zoidberg: [washing his claws] I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery. [He laughs.] I kid! I kid!

[The nurse puts some gloves on his claws and they break.]
[Time Lapse. A human doctor operates on a mule, a robot doctor operates on soldier #1 while Zoidberg operates on the hick.]

Zoidberg: Scalpel. [The nurse hands him a scalpel and he cuts something inside the hick.] Blood bucket. [She hands him a bucket and he puts it under the operating table.] Priest. Next patient.

[The robot doctor, iHawk, has a martini permanently attached to his left hand.]

iHawk: Gee, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.

Nurse: Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone! He has twice the training you do.

iHawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!

[He laughs and soldier #1 joins in. Zoidberg groans.]

Zoidberg: See, this is how it starts. First with he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.

[iHawk laughs then turns a switch on his body from "irreverent" to "maudlin".]

iHawk: When will the killing end?

[Cut to: Outside Tent Four. Fry is still outside. Zapp arrives, still on his horse. Kif is standing beside the horse.]

Zapp: Look at this sissy, Kif. While others were fighting and dying pointlessly, he was hiding in a hole, wallowing in a pool of his own cowardice.

Fry: That wasn't cowardice.

Zapp: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?

Kif: Being your assistant.

Zapp: Wrong! Being your assistant! Private Fry, you shall henceforth serve as Kif's assistant.

Fry: That doesn't sound too bad.

Kif: You speak when I tell you to, you filthy worm!

[Scene: Tent Four.]

Zoidberg: I'm afraid he's gone.

[He pulls the sheet over the hick.]

Hick: Whoa, doc, I ain't dead.

Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor.

iHawk: Believe it all you want, that won't make it true. [He laughs then flicks his switch from "irreverent" to "maudlin".] This isn't a war, it's a murder. [He flicks it back.] This isn't a war, it's a moider!

[The nurse wheels Bender in. His chassis is still mis-shapen from the explosion.]

Hick: Bender, old buddy, hang in there.

[The nurse hooks Bender up to a beer drip and he groans. Zapp walks in with Nixon's head.]

Zapp: Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it. I hereby order that in Bender's honour he be melted down and made into a statue of himself.

Nixon: Slow down there, Starsky, I'm up to something here. I want this robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. Damn bean-eating war hero!

Nurse: Are you read to operate, doctor?

iHawk: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.

[He laughs.]

Zoidberg: That's my joke! I'll kill you!

[He jumps at iHawk and clacks his claws.]
[Scene: Officers' Club. Zapp sits with Nixon and drinks as the battle continues outside.]

Zapp: Ah! Pre-war scotch! [Enter Bender with wheels attached to his side.] Welcome, Lieutenant Bender. You're looking sharp.

Bender: I got wheels! With clickety-clack-ers.

[Kif brings Zapp another scotch.]

Zapp: Damnit, Kif, where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it a scotch-on-the-rocks!

Kif: Actually, sir--

[He groans as Zapp plants the glass firmly in the middle of his forehead.]

Zapp: Make me a new one.

[Kif signs and walks back to the bar where Fry is cleaning glasses with a cloth.]

Kif: Use a brush, you dunderhead! And mix these mixed nuts. I see two almonds touching!

[Back at Zapp's table...]

Nixon: Now, listen here, Bender. This war is in danger of going all quagmire on me, so I'm sending you on one last mission.

Bender: Hot diggidy daffodil!

Nixon: A mission of peace.

Bender: [disappointed] Oh!

Zapp: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains and they've got a lot of kutzpa!

Nixon: Accompanying you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissenger.

[Kif wheels in Kissenger's head in a jar.]

Kissenger: How are you?

Bender: Is he any good?

Nixon: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Nuff said!

[Scene: Helicopter. Bender and Kissenger's helicopter lifts off and flies away.]
[Scene: Shower Block. Nixon sings Tommy Roe's Dizzy while showering.]

Nixon: [singing] I'm so dizzy,
My head is spinning,
Like a whirlpool,
It never ends.

[Kif scrubs Zapp's back with a brush.]

Zapp: A little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot lower. Too low! ... Lower!

[Kif sighs. Fry sings and scrubs Kif's back.]

Fry: [singing] I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh.

[He hums. Leela walks in wearing a bathrobe, hat and visor and gasps. She turns to leave.]

Zapp: Private Lemon, no need to leave. [He opens the door to his shower stall and steps out.] My stall just became free.

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Maybe you should put on a towel, sir.

Zapp: Right! Right! [He walks away and Leela hurries into the stall and shuts the door. Zapp has wrapped the towel around his head and squirts something onto his hand.] I'm about to try the new lotion you recommended. [sexfully] If I should accidentally put too much on my hands, perhaps I could rub it onto you.

[Leela gags. Kif carries Nixon's jar.]

Nixon: Brannigan!

Zapp: Hm?

Nixon: My God, cover yourself. I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo.

Zapp: Uh, sorry, Mr. President, I-I didn't realise. Kif, raise him up about nipple-high.

[Behind them, Leela showers with her back turned.]

Nixon: Come on, Brannigan, stuff yourself into a uniform. We've gotta get off this planet before the bomb goes off.

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Bomb? What bomb?

Zapp: The one we had the doctors implant in that gullible Bender robot.

[Fry gasps. Zapp's horse kicks the shower stalls and Leela runs out and wraps a towel around herself. Zapp looks her up and down and purrs.]

Nixon: Zapp. Zapp!

Zapp: Hm?

Nixon: Inspect the troops later. It's time to activate the bomb.

[Zapp takes a remote control out of his uniform pocket and presses a button.]
[Scene: Brain Ball Headquarters. Bender and Kissenger sit at a table with three Brain Balls.]

Kissenger: Now, as for economic co-operation--

[The bomb inside Bender beeps and his antenna flashes.]

Bender: Whoa! Scuse me.

[He bangs his chest and the bomb starts to tick.]
[Scene: DOOP Camp.]

P.A. Announcer: [on tannoy] Attention: All personnel evacuate the planet immediately. And not just because it's meat loaf night.

[Zapp sits on his horse and Kif sits on a mule, holding Nixon's jar.]

Zapp: Come along, Lemon, before this whole dump blows up.

Leela: [disguised, deeper voice] Uh, Commander? Could you tell me when the bomb is exploding?

Zapp: Of course, my significant soldier. The bomb is voice-activated. It will detonate the instant the robot unwittingly speaks a certain word.

Fry: What's the word, uh, sir?

[He salutes.]

Zapp: It's the one word the robot uses more than any other. We got it from this convenient database of his 10 most frequently-used words. [He presses a button on the database and a list comes up.] Number 10, chump; number nine, chumpette; number eight, yours; number seven, up; number six, pimpmobile; number five, bite; number four, my ... [Leela gasps.] ... number three, shiny; number two, daffodil. And Bender's number one most frequently-uttered word, the word which, if uttered, will blow up this entire planet: Ass.

[Fry gasps.]

Fry: We don't have long!

[Scene: Brain Ball Headquarters.]

Brain Ball #1: We demand bouncing, followed by rolling, followed by rolling of the third type.

Kissenger: Say what?

Bender: My chair's too hard. It's a real pain in the, uh, whattya call it? Lower back! Yeah, that whole region.

[Scene: DOOP Camp. Soldiers board helicopters and they take off towards the Nimbus. Fry crouches behind some barrels until most of the helicopters are gone.]

Fry: OK, I gotta break down that gate, beat up those three guards, steal that chopper and rescue Bender.

[Leela breaks down the gate and beats up the guards.]

Leela: Hi-yah!

Fry: Hey, I did it! Wait, that's not me.

Leela: [shouting] Come on! We gotta save Bender.

[She climbs onto the helicopter.]

Fry: You wanna save him too, Lemon? You barely know him.

[Leela pulls him onto the helicopter.]

Leela: Fry, don't you recognise me?

Fry: [squinting] Hermes?

[Zapp arrives.]

Zapp: Lee? When will I see you again? [He sees Leela and Fry holding hands and gasps.] The two of you are good friends? But I thought we would be good friends. [contemptuous] Well, let's see how friendly you get when you're sharing a prison cell!

[He holds up some handcuffs. Leela punches him in the stomach, smacks him in the face and kicks him to the ground.]

Leela: Hey, Zapp!

[Zapp groans. Leela pulls of her helmet and fake beard.]

Zapp: Leela!

Fry: Leela!

Zapp: So it's you I've been attracted to! Oh, God, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.

Leela: Let's do it again sometime.

[She closes the door and takes off.]
[Scene: Brain Ball Headquarters.]

Brain Ball #2: The Elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three metres in the air. Then he bounced 1.8 metres in the air. Then he bounced four metres in the air. Do I make myself clear?

Kissenger: Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story. Oy.

[Bender paces around shaking his fists.]

Bender: These balls are making me testy. If they don't stop bouncing and jiggling, I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty up their-- Wait a second. Where do you shove things up a ball?

Kissenger: This isn't a productive area of discussion.

[Scene: Helicopter. Hundreds of balls bounce underneath.]

Leela: We're here. I followed the bouncing balls. [Fry stands at the door with a parachute on his back.] I'll keep the chopper at a safe altitude while you parachute down.

Fry: OK, my best friend's life is at stake. I can finally prove that I'm not a coward. [He puts on his helmet and sighs.] Will you push me?

Leela: [shouting] I already did!

[Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. Fry falls.]

Fry: [shouting] Thank you! [He pulls his ripcord and hits the ground as soon as the parachute deploys. Balls bounce on him and he kicks a few away and rides one like a space hopper.] At last, war has made me into a man.

[He cheers as he bounces towards the building.]
[Cut to: Brain Ball Headquarters.]

Kissenger: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.

Brain Ball #1: We cannot condone bouncing of the seventh variety.

Bender: Enough of this crap! I'm catching the next pimpmobile outta here! But before I go I have one thing to say. [He climbs onto the table and turns around.] Bite my shiny metal--

[Enter Fry on his ball.]

Fry: Stop! You can't say the next word.

Bender: Up yours, chump, I said it 906 times before lunch.

Fry: Bender, if you say the A-word, you'll blow this planet straight to the H-word!

[He opens Bender's chest door, revealing the armed bomb. They gasp.]

Kissenger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath as fresh as a summer ham. [Fry smiles and Bender laughs.] What? What is funny?

Bender: Bender's got the upper hand now. [He closes his door and turns to the Brain Balls.] The name of the game is "Make Bender Happy Or He Blows Up The Planet". [Everyone gasps.] I'd rather die and take everybody with me than sit here one more minute listening to these idiots talk about bouncing!

Brain Ball #1: Please, stay calm. There's no need to bounce of the handle.

Bender: That's it, I'm saying it! "A" is for--

Brain Ball #1: Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours.

[Bender laughs.]

Fry: Alright! Hey, wait a minute! This is your home planet? We're the evil, invading aliens?

Brain Ball #2: Correct.

Bender: Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson: Don't mess with Earth.

Brain Ball #1: May you bounce in peace.

Bender: Get the hell off my planet.

[Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. The balls on the surface bounce and fly off the surface and away from the planet.]
[Newspaper Headline: "War Over! Balls Thoroughly Licked!" There is a picture of a bruised Zapp giving the thumbs up.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender lies on a table and Farnsworth welds something in his chest cabinet. The other staff gather around watching.]

Farnsworth: Well, that's it. Let's reactivate him. [shouting] Wake up!

[He slaps Bender. Bender yawns and sits up.]

Bender: Hey, chumps and chumpettes. Did you get the bomb out? Can I go back to saying the word I love to say?

Zoidberg: I'm sorry but we couldn't remove it.

Farnsworth: It's stuck in there with glue or something, I don't know.

Bender: [ironic] Well, this is just great! What's the point of living if I can't say "ass"? [He gasps.] Hey, I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass! Alright! I'm back in the saddle!

Leela: We couldn't disarm the bomb so we reset the word that triggers it.

Amy: It's from the list of words you almost never say.

Bender: That's using your ass. So, what's the word?

Hermes: We think it's better if you don't know.

Bender: Oh, come on. I'm not gonna say it. Please? Ooh, is it "please"?

Fry: No.

Bender: Hm, words I never say. Oh, I know! "Thanks"!

Leela: Bender, stop trying to destroy the world.

Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it "sorry"? No. "Fun-derful"? Uh, "non-alcoholic"?

Amy: Quit it!

Fry: Bender!

Hermes: Stop it, mon!

Zoidberg: Enough already!

[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

Bender: [from lab] "Compassion"? "Shrimptoast"? "Antiquing"? [There is an explosion.] I'm alright!

[Closing Credits.]