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|Written by||Ken Keeler|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Please Turn Off All Cell Phones And Tricorders.]
- [Scene: The ship streaks away from Earth.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela casually hums while Fry monitors the controls. The ship suddenly shakes and the two are thrown to the floor. An alarm wails and two ships fly past and begin to turn around. Leela gasps.]
Leela: Space pirates!
Fry: Space pirates?
Leela: You know. Pirates, but in space.
- [Scene: The two ships look like old-fashioned pirate ships and even have sails. They circle the Planet Express ship and fire cannon balls at it, causing dents along the hull.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. A pirate appears on the screen.]
Pirate: [on screen] Avast, mateys!
- [Cut to: Pirate Ship. The pirate has three parrots along his shoulder and has four legs, three of them wooden.]
Pirate: Electronically transfer your space doubloons, afore I send thee to Davey Jarg's locker!
- [He lights a cannon and sets it off.]
- [Scene: Fry's and Bender's Quarters. A dent appears in the wall next to Bender's hammock and he wakes up.]
Bender: [shouting] Hey! Keep it down, you kids! I'm trying to take a nap!
- [He reaches over to a shelf and picks up a box of ears plugs and takes two out. Then he reaches over to another box, pulls out two ears, attaches them to his head and puts the ear plugs in.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry lines up a crosshair to one of the pirate ships.]
Fry: Come on! Come on!
- [The crosshair locks on to the ship and Fry fires. The controls look just like an old arcade game. Outside, one of the pirate ships explodes. Fry cheers.]
- [Scene: Ships Torpedo Room. Bender walks towards tube #3 and opens it.]
Bender: [muttering] Make Bender take a nap in a tube. [He opens the tube, gets in a pushes a torpedo out.] [sexfully] Come back when I've had some sleep, baby!
- [He closes the tube door.]
- [Scene: The remaining pirate ship chases the Planet Express ship and the two ships exchange fire. Leela steers the ship around and manages to get behind the pirate ship.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Leela: Fry to battlestations. Fire torpedo number three.
Fry: Firing torpedo number three!
- [He flicks a switch, turns a knob, presses a button and selects "3" on an old-fashioned telephone dialler.]
- [Cut to: Torpedo Tube #3. Bender wakes up.]
Bender: Huh? What?
- [He accelerates forward with flaming feet.]
- [Scene: He flies out of the torpedo tube, screaming.]
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela watch Bender through the windscreen.]
Leela: That's not torpedo three. That's not torpedo three at all!
- [Scene: Bender screams.]
Bender: Damn you, Fry and Lee-- [He flies through the pirate ship, leaving a hole in the hull and holding a bag of swag.] --la!
- [The pirate ship spins out of control. The pirate looks through the window sadly.]
Pirate: [from ship] Too late do I realise that me children are me only real treasures.
- [The ship explodes and Bender's momentum carries him forward.]
Bender: [shouting] Help! Mechanical man overboard!
- [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Fry: Go after him, Leela!
- [Leela pushes the throttle forward. The engines struggle.]
Leela: It's no use. We were going full speed when we fired him so he's going even faster than that.
Fry: You mean we can never catch up to him? Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah blood?
Leela: I don't know how to say this, Fry, but Bender is doomed to drift through space ... forever.
- [Fry looks ahead through the windscreen.]
Fry: [solemn] He always wanted to drift forever, but through the American Southwest.
- [Scene: Bender continues flying through space, still holding the bag of swag.]
to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones. It bones for thee. The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all eternity in which to perfect my art. [He plays a bad note and groans. He tries again, plays another bad note and growls.] Damn you!Bender: I'm going too fast. I've gotta lose momentum. [He throws swag out of the sack and spins around and slows down. He groans.] I'm gonna spend eternity alone with barely any swag. [He takes a watch out of the sack.] Ooh! Hey, universe, check out the dude with the Rolex! [He takes out a candelabra.] Wow! Ostentatious! [He sticks it to his door.] Except what good is a candelabra without-- Wait! I know! [He pulls a piano out of his chest cabinet, puts the candelabra on it and plays Polonaise in C Minor.] Ah, the pity. Fated to drift forever through the void as gravity's plaything. Oh, cruel fate,
- [He picks up the candelabra and uses it to smash up the piano.]
- [Time Lapse. Bender scratches something similar to the sketch on the Pioneer space probe on his door, but the man and woman have a huge Bender standing above them.]
Bender: There! Now when I'm found in a million years people will know what the score was. [An object hits him.] Hey! what's bombarding me? [More objects hit him.] Oh, no! An asteroid field. If even a pea-sized asteroid were to whiz through my skull it could-- [One whizzes through his skull.] Ow! Hurt slightly! [More asteroids hit him and one becomes embedded in his door. He clears the asteroid field.] Well that was fun. Now for eons of loneliness.
- [Time Lapse. Muffled voices come from Bender's door.]
- [Several tiny creatures come from the asteroid on Bender's door. He zooms in and sees they are little people.]
Shrimpkin Priest: Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him who hath taken us unto his breast.
- [The Shrimpkins chatter.]
Bender: Holy frijoles!
Shrimpkin Priest: All bow before the great Metal Lord!
- [The Shrimpkins bow.]
Bender: Worshippers? This ought to liven up my endless, tragic voyage.
- [He laughs.]
- [Time Lapse.]
Shrimpkin Priest: All hail the Metal Lord!
Shrimpkins: [chanting] So hailed!
Bender: Hmm. Those peewees think I'm God, huh? Hard to blame 'em! [He picks one up and he screams. He places the Shrimpkin on his eyes.] I am the Metal Lord. Who are you?
Malachi: I am called Malachi, Lord. It means, um, "He who really loves the Metal Lord".
Bender: Listen here, Malachi. Time for a religious donation. Hand over your wallet.
Malachi: But, Lord, we are a poor and simple folk.
Bender: Poor? Oh, crap.
- [He takes Malachi off his eyes and zooms in on the Shrimpkin village on the asteroid. On the porch of Malachi's home his wife cross-stitches something and his children play.]
Malachi: Pity me not, for I am richened by the love of my family.
Malachi's Wife: What art thou doing, Malachi Jr.?
- [Malachi Jr. hugs a big pot.]
Malachi Jr.: I'm practising to hug Daddy when he gets back from God. [He hugs the pot.] Mmm! Mmm!
- [Bender retracts his eyes.]
Bender: Eck! Gag unto me with a spoon! Malachi, it's high time I laid down a few commandments. You got a chisel? Take this down. [He clears his throat.] Number one...
- [Time Lapse. Malachi stands on a rock before the other Shrimpkins holding a stone tablet.]
Malachi: Behold: The One Commandment.
- [He holds up the tablet. Written on it is "God Needs Booze".]
Bender: [shouting] Make it a double!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Farnsworth sniffs around on the Smellescope.]
Fry: Can you find him, Professor?
Farnsworth: No. I'm afraid the Smellescope isn't powerful enough. Bender's odour is so mild it's being overpowered by local sources.
- [He, Fry and Leela glare at Zoidberg who jumps up and claps with delight.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me!
- [Fry walks towards the window and puts his hand on the glass. Enter Amy, Hermes and a robot.]
Amy: Fry, we brought someone to cheer you up.
Hermes: His name is Helper and he's eager to be your new best friend.
Helper: Hello there, chum. I understand you miss your buddy. Have a pudding pop!
Fry: No, thanks, I don't--
Helper: Who wants to go to an amusement park?
Fry: Well, I guess that sounds OK.
Helper: Have a good time. Hey, I heard your friend Bender is back.
Fry: What? Really?
Helper: No. I just thought you would enjoy that for a moment.
- [Scene: Bender drifts through space to Also sprach Zarathustra. On his body a huge beer tower has been built and the Shrimpkin village has grown to include several fields.]
- [Time Lapse. Bender tastes the "Lordweiser" beer from the tower.]
Bender: Ooh! Microbrewed! My guys did alright! I think I'll make my countenance to shine down upon them. [He reaches out and picks up Malachi.] Malachi, good work. There's no slowing down with the Metal Lord tonight.
Malachi: Yes, tonight is kind of special.
Bender: Wait a second. Did you rip off your own arm as a joke?
Malachi: Nay. Like most of your followers, I was maimed while building the Great Brewery. [The Shrimpkins lack various limbs and behind them is a large graveyard.] Others died from the pestilent fumes it spewed forth. [On the porch of her home, Malachi's wife sits with the baby.] And, of course, the liquor industry attracted organised crime.
- [Mobsters drive past Malachi's home shooting at each other. Malachi's wife gasps, picks up a gun and shoots at the cars. Bender watches and groans.]
Bender: It's all my fault. Malachi, tell thy people that the Lord is moved by their plight.
- [A tear drops from his eye. In the Shrimpkin village the tear is huge. It rushes towards the Shrimpkins and they scream and run out of the way. The wave washes through the village and sweeps away Malachi Jr. He grabs hold of a branch and the villagers gasp.]
Malachi's Wife: Malachi Jr., no!
Malachi Jr.: Daddy, I can't hold much longer. My arms are tired from hugging.
- [Malachi, back with his wife, falls to his knees.]
Malachi: Save him! Save my son, oh Metal Lord!
- [Bender rolls up his sleeves.]
Bender: This looks like a job for God! [He pulls Malachi Jr. out of the tear river and puts him down on the bank. Father and son hug and the Shrimpkins gasp and bow.] What the-- Malachi, what manner of deal is this with the chanting?
Malachi: They saw you save my son. Now everyone is praying for their own miracles.
- [Bender sighs.]
Bender: Very well. What do they want?
Malachi: The people of that village pray for wealth.
- [Bender pulls out a Coolio coin and tosses it to the Shrimpkins. It flattens several houses. Bender panics and picks the coin up again. He looks under the ruined houses.]
Bender: Um, that was a practice miracle. Who's next?
Malachi: The farmers pray for sunlight so their barley might make a more refreshing beer for today's God on the go.
Bender: Very well. Let there be light. [He closes his eye visor and reflects the rays of a star onto the farmers' fields. They cheer but the fields burst into flames and so do the farmers.] I got it! I got it! [He blows the flames out and also blows several Shrimpkins off his body and into space.] Um, when you're writing the Bible, you might want to omit that last miracle.
- [Scene: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Fry picks up a photo of Bender holding him over the side of the Statue of Liberty torch. He sighs.]
Fry: He decided not to let go. [He puts the picture down and looks at one on the wall of Bender sat on a throne dressed as Napoleon.] I can't believe you're gone. I won't! If I can't reach you physically, I'll just have to try something desperate and crazy!
- [Scene: First Amalgamated Church. Fry sits in the priest's office.]
Fry: So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do to help me find my friend?
Changstein el Gamahl: Well, we could join together in prayer.
Fry: Uh-huh. But is there anything useful we can do?
Changstein el Gamahl: No.
- [Scene: Gypsy's Caravan.]
Gypsy: Sure I hold séance, channel your friend, no problem. Insert coin. [Fry inserts 5 cents and the Gypsy moans as she "channels" Bender.] I am your friend, Bonder.
Fry: Bonder? Is it really you?
Gypsy: Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy $10.
Fry: Wait a minute! Bender's name isn't Bonder, it's Bender. You're a fraud!
Gypsy: Look, you want false hope or not?
Fry: Only if you don't have any real hope.
Gypsy: Well, there is perhaps one way. Have you heard of the Monks of Dschubba?
Fry: I've not heard of them.
Gypsy: They are an ancient order that believes God exists somewhere in the depths of space. They have built the universe's most powerful radio telescope, high in the Himalayas, to search for him.
Fry: You think they'd let me use it to look for Bender?
Gypsy: What am I, psychic? I mean, yes! Yes, I'm-I'm sure they will. Yes.
- [Scene: Bender "swims" through space to The Blue Danube.]
Malachi: Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer.
- [Bender sighs.]
Bender: [irate] Yes, Malachi, what is it this time?
Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.
Bender: Of course they're unheeded. How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?
Malachi: They talk of war against the faithful. I beseech thee. Rise up against them. Smite someone who deserves it for once.
- [Bender sighs.]
Bender: Malachi, every time I interfere, I only make things worse. You're best off solving your own problems.
Malachi: But-But Metal Lord.
Bender: What part of "nay" doesn't thou understand?
- [Scene: Ed's Hiking Supplies & Spelunketeria. Fry talks to a salesman behind a counter.]
Fry: Sir, I'm outfitting an expedition to a monastery high in the Himalayas. I'll need a long-sleeved coat.
- [The salesman hands him a coat.]
Leela: Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do but you can't bring him back this way. It's hopeless.
Fry: You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more and cover your ears and go "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!" [He is still covering his ears.] [shouting] I'd also like a pack mule.
Salesman: [shouting] At once, sir!
- [He pulls down a fully-equipped mule from a high shelf.]
Leela: Well, you obviously won't listen to reason, so I guess I'll listen to idiotic-ness and come with you. But we'll need a sherpa to guide us.
- [The salesman reaches up to the high shelf with the hook and jabs the sherpa, Namgyal. He screams.]
- [Scene: On the porch of his home, Malachi sits with his children and wife and they read The Bible. By Bender With Malachi. On the first page is a picture of Bender boxing a lion.]
Bender: Now that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint on every page! Looks like society's running pretty well without my meddling-- [Bombers fly around from Bender's ass and drop bombs on the Shrimpkin village.] Atomic bombs? Oh, no! Those unbelievers from my backside must have found my nuclear pile!
Malachi: Fear not, my Lord. We shall be with you soon.
Bender: You're with me now. This is the maximum level of being with me!
Malachi: We will solve our own problems as you commanded. The time has come to convert the unbelievers.
Bender: Convert them?
Malachi: To radioactive vapour!
- [Missile launchers rise up from the ground, fire and destroy the village on Bender's ass.]
Malachi Jr.: Look, Daddy! I'm hugging God. Mmm! Mmm! Maybe if I hug him real hard he'll save us from--
- [A radioactive shockwave vaporises the family and Bender cries.]
Bender: [crying] No! [More bombs explode on him.] [laughing] Ooh! It tickles!
- [He laughs some more and groans.]
- [Time Lapse.]
Bender: Hello? Is anyone still alive? How about in the porno theatre? [He takes the roof off Ezekiel's Nasty House.] Don't be embarrassed. [He groans.] [crying] They're dead. All dead. Who would have known playing God could have such terrible consequences?
- [He cries some more.]
- [Scene: Himalayas. Namgyal, Fry, Leela and the mule walk through the blizzard. The wind howls and the mule groans.]
Leela: [shouting] Fry, if I drop dead from exhaustion, make sure my body freezes in a dignified position. None of that "huddled over for warmth" crap.
- [Time Lapse. They reach the summit. Fry gasps. In front of them is a huge radio telescope and in the middle is the monastery.]
Namgyal: Behold. The Monastery of Dschubba. I must leave you now for I am not holy enough to enter.
- [He belches and spits. He and Leela walk towards an old wood and rope bridge.]
Leela: Looks rickety. We'd better test it.
- [She pats the mule and it steps onto the bridge. The bridge moves forward like a moving walkway.]
Female Voice: Welcome to our monastery. Please stand to one side to let faster pilgrims by.
- [Behind the mule, Fry and Leela tap their feet impatiently.]
- [Scene: Bender is still crying. He hears a beeping and looks up.]
Bender: Hey! That galaxy's signalling in binary. I gotta signal back. But I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. [shouting] You speak English?
Galaxy: I do now.
- [It pulls Bender towards it.]
Bender: What are you? Some kind of galactic computer?
Galaxy: Possible. I am user friendly, my good chum.
Bender: Who built you?
Galaxy: I have always been.
Bender: Oh, my God. Are you God?
"God": Possible. I do feel compassion for all living things, my good chum.
Bender: But why would God think in binary? Unless ... you're not God, but the remains of a computerised space probe that collided with God.
"God": That seems probable.
- [Scene: Monastery of Dschubba. The radio dish tilts as the monks search the sky.]
Monk #1: A member of our brotherhood sits at these controls every hour of every day, scanning the heavens for God.
- [Monk #2, bored out of his skull, controls the dish. He sees something.]
Monk #2: There he is! No. No, wait, no.
Leela: How long have you been at it?
Monk #1: 700 years. We've not yet examined one-ten-millionth of the sky. But we will go on until we find the Almighty, even if it takes till the end of time.
Fry: And then what?
Monk #1: Then we utter unto him a short prayer. You see, the telescope is also an amplifying transmitter.
Leela: Sort of like a giant karaoke machine?
Monk #1: Not really. Would you like to see our giant karaoke machine?
Leela: Not really.
Fry: Hmm. Finding God. That-That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend, Bender.
Monk #1: I don't know what to say, other than "absolutely not". Your loss is a tragedy but our work--
Fry: Aw, come on! You guys have forever to look for God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.
Monk #2: He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God.
Monk #1: Oh, how convenient! A theory about God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!
Fry: That telescope is as much mine as anybody's. I'm using it whether you give me permission or not.
- [The four monks take up kung fu positions. Leela jumps forward.]
Leela: Hi-yah! Your order may be famous for your martial arts, but I've never met a holy man I couldn't clobber.
Monk #1: Actually, we only practise martial arts as a form of meditation. We are a strictly non-violent sect.
Leela: Oh. Then get in the laundry room or I'll kick your butts!
- [They file into the laundry room.]
Monk #3: This is the worst crazy sect I've ever been in.
- [Fry slams the door behind them.]
- [Scene: Bender talks to "God".]
Bender: So, do you know what I'm gonna do before I do it?
Bender: What if I do something different?
"God": Then I don't know that.
Bender: Cool! Cool! I bet a lot of people pray to you, huh?
"God": Yes. But there are so many asking so much. After a while, you just sorta tune it out.
Bender: Y'know, I was God once.
"God": Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
Bender: It was awful. I tried helping them, I tried not helping them but in the end I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong?
"God": Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.
Bender: Yeah I know, that's why I asked if what I did-- Forget it.
"God": Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down the bar for the insurance money.
"God": Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
Bender: Does that mean you wouldn't send me back to Earth even if I prayed to you?
"God": Earth? Which way is that?
- [Bender looks around.]
Bender: [sadly] I don't know.
- [Scene: Monastery of Dschubba. Fry frantically turns the radio dish around.]
Fry: [shouting] Bender? Bender?
- [The monks knock on the door.]
Monk #2: [from laundry room] Let us out! We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them. Now we're bored.
Fry: [shouting] Hello? Has anyone out there seen Bender?
H.G. Blob: [on speaker] No! Quit asking.
Leela: Fry, it's been three days. And even if you stay here the rest of your life, there is virtually no chance of finding him. It's time to give up.
Fry: [sad] You're right. I'm never gonna see him again. I know he was evil and on more than one occasion he-he actually stole my blood. [He spins the dish controller.] But still, I wish I had Bender back.
- [Pullback: The radio telescope echoes his words into the depths of space and in a pullback lifted from Contact the signal reaches "God". Bender sleeps.]
- [Bender wakes up.]
Bender: Huh? Wha? You say something?
"God": No, no. Well, so long. Remember what we talked about.
- [He straps a parachute to Bender and throws him towards Earth. Bender screams.]
- [Scene: Himalayas. Fry and Leela make their way down the mountain. Bender screams and falls through the atmosphere. Fry gasps.]
Bender: Hot, hot, hot, hot!
- [He screams and the parachute opens and he lands on the mountain next to Fry and Leela. He glows red hot.]
Fry: Bender! It's a miracle! [He hugs him and burns himself.] Ow!
- [Leela rubs her eye.]
Leela: This is, by a wide margin, the least likely thing that has ever happened.
Bender: Guys, you'll never believe what happened. First I was God, then I met God!
Fry: We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks.
Leela: Oh, no! The monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.
Fry: Do we have to? I mean, they're monks. I'm sure their God will let them out or at least give them more shoes to eat.
Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack. He pretty much told me so himself. Now come on. If we don't save those monks, no one will!
- [He takes off his parachute and starts back up the mountain.]
- [Pullback: "God" chuckles to himself.]
"God": When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
- [Closing Credits.]
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