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|Written by||Patric M. Verrone|
|Transcribed by||Teyrn of Highever Kifcroaker|
The Scary Announcer: You're taking a vacation from normalcy, the setting: a weird motel where the bed is stained with mystery, and there's also some mystery floating in the pool. Your key card may not open the exercise room because someone smeared mystery on the lock. But it will open the Scary Door.
- [Scene: Outside Capitol Hill where a press conference is taking place.]
Announcer: Submitted for your Emmy consideration, a popular Senator with unpopular ideas.
Senator: There's no such thing as space aliens!
Man: Oh? How can you be so sure them aliens ain't already among us?
Senator: I'll tell you how! [takes off the man's face revealing an alien lifeform] Because you ARE ONE!!!
- [musical sting]
- [Scene: Omicron Persei 8, Lrrr's castle. Lrrr is sleeping on the couch. Ndnd turns off the TV.]
Lrrr: Hey, I was watching that! The Saints just needed a field goal to tie!
Ndnd: Lrrr, you lazy ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! You said you would conquer a planet today, but you have not even shed your skin yet!
Lrrr: Yes, Ndnd. I heard you the first hundred times. I'll conquer something tomorrow after I fuel up on your disgusting egg-white omelets.
Ndnd: You want yolks? Fine! Enjoy your stroke. [She throws the remote at him and walks out.]
- [Scene: Fry's comic.]
Fry: Erth. [He mimics laser fire as a spaceship blows up the planet.]
Invader X: Ha ha ha! I am conquering Erth.
Delivery-Boy Man: Special delivery for Invader X! Laser eye power! [He shoots Invader X's ship with his laser eyes. The ship explodes. Cut to: Delivery-Boy Man in the ship, with Invader X threatening him in a gun.] Hand magnet power! [The gun flies into Delivery-Boy Man's hand.]
Leelis Lane: [She comes free.] Yay! I'm unbuckled! [Delivery-Boy Man uses his "hand magnet power" to bring Lane to him.
Invader X: Stop it, you hero!
Delivery-Boy Man: Reverse-time power!
- [Time outside the ship rewinds and Erth is restored. The ship's lasers return to their batteries and the ship explodes.]
Delivery-Boy Man: It's earlier now. [He and Lane kiss.]
- [The comic ends with "Written and Inked by Fry!!!]
- [Scene: Planet Express, lounge.]
Fry: So? What do you think of my comic?
Leela: If I may offer some constructive criticism, there was never any real peril. I mean, the delivery guy has, like, 30 superpowers.
Fry: Well, that's because he was bitten by a radioactive superman!
Zoidberg: This is wonderful!
Fry: It is, isn't it? Wait, those are the ads.
Zoidberg: These X-ray specs will really take the guesswork out of surgery. No more chopping blindly in the goop.
Prof. Farnsworth: Don't waste your allowance, Zoidberg. This stuff is butt-grade crap.
Paper-hatted salesman: [on an ad] Amuse your friends with real vomit!
Man #1: [on an ad] Throw your voice!
Woman: [on an ad] Sea monkeys!
Man #2: [on an ad] Throw your sea monkeys!
Farnsworth: [on an ad] My disintegrator ray really works!
Amy: But that's you.
Farnsworth: That's how I know it's bunkum. The Farnsworth Novelty Disintegrator Ray is nothing more than a common teleporter ray. [He shoots a trashcan, it reappears next to him and he throws the toy away.] Worthless toy.
Fry: I'm sick of being critiqued by nitpicking nerds. I'm taking this to a comic book convention!
- [Scene: Comic-Con 3010. Free admission with Ewok pelt.
Amy: Smeesh, it's crowded!
Bender: Good thing everyone is freshly bathed and groomed.
- [Zoidberg cuts open a box and begins eating what's inside.]
Nerd: What are you doing? [He pulls the toy out of Zoidberg's mouth.] That's the rare Zapp Brannigan with recording session blooper! [He presses a button on the figure.]
Action Figure: Don't tell me how to do the line. It sickens me.
Zoidberg: But the sign said there was a mint in the box.
- [The rest of the crew walks into Ballroom 20, Matt Groening's other panel.]
- [Matt Groening's head is on stage. Crystal Chesney-Thompson's head and David X. Cohen's head are next to him.]
Groening: Thank you so... Okay, thanks... Thanks so... Settle down!
- [They are on stage with Peter Avanzino's head, Claudia Katz's head, Patric M. Verrone's head and Ken Keeler's head. The Bill Morrison Robot is moderating.
Groening: So, anyway, we're really excited to show you guys the pilot for our new TV series.
Cohen: It's set it the year 4000, and we call it Futurella!
- [The audience turns on the video-phones as the pilot starts. The credits start but before the name can even get off the screens, a buzzer sounds. The screens go black and the word "cancelled" appears.]
Groening: Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process.
Bill Morrison Robot: Matt will now take questions. But please, only about Futurella, not the Simpsons. Yes? The robot standing on the small child over there?
Bender: Yeah, when are you going to make a second Simpsons Movie? [A panel slides open from underneath Groening's nameplate. A gun slides out and shoots Bender.] D'oh!
- [Scene: Fry walks to "The Last Actual Comic Book Booth". Sergio Aragonés is the only one at the booth.]
Fry: Mr. Aragonés, I'm a big fan of your cartoons and your mustache.
Aragonés: You want it? Take it. It's brought me nothing but misery.
Fry: Wow. Thanks! [He rips the mustache off Aragonés' face and puts it on. Aragonés screams: ¡Ay, ay, ay!] If you could just quiet down, I wanted to get your opinion of my comic book.
Aragonés: Señor, anyone who still writes comics is a hero to me. [He smiles. Fry shows him the comic and he stops smiling.] Mmm. It stinks. But, um, I do like the tiny doodles in the margins.
Fry: Oh, that's just some relish from a hot dog I found.
Man: Attention, ladies and gentleboys, the costume contest is about to begin.
Bender: [Running up to Fry.] The costume contest! The costume contest! [He runs off.]
- [Scene: People are on stage, waiting to show off their costumes. There are people dressed as Mom and her sons, the Robot Devil and Yivo. Leela is dressed as Princess Leia.
Leela: What the hell are you supposed to be?
Bender: [In a crude Leela costume.] Every nerd's fantasy, baby.
Randy: [Dressed as Mario.] Next up, contestant number 36! [A fat man dressed as Spiderman drives up in a scooter. He shoots out whipped cream at the crowd then some into his mouth. He drives off.] Contestant 36, everyone. Next up, contestant 37...
Lrrr: [softly.] I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet...
Randy: Hold on a second, let me just get this. [He adjusts the microphone.]
Lrrr: I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. You are hereby conquered! Please line up in order of how much beryllium it takes to kill you. [The crowd cheers.]
Randy: [As the Omicronians are being pushed off-stage.] Next up contestant 38!
Lrrr: I don't understand. Why are the human still eating their soft pretzels instead of surrendering?
Leela: [While eating a soft pretzel.] They're probably waiting for Joss Whedon.
Lrrr:: Joss Whedon's here? Wait a minute, you look familiar.
Leela: Yeah, you almost ate me once. I was in your mouth for five minutes.
Randy: And the winner is, Nerdgasma! [Bender walks up.]
Bender: Wooh, I've got fruit boobs!
Lrrr: What's the use?
- [Scene: Omicron Persei 8. Lrrr's castle. Lrrr is waiting of Ndnd to finish cooking. She drops a steak in front of him.]
Lrrr: Now what?
Ndnd: I send you out to conquer a planet and all you bring back is J.J. Abrams' face? [A face is lying in a box, nearby.]
Lrrr: I thought you'd like it. You haven't even tried it on.
Ndnd: I might dress up in a face if you ever took me anywhere nice!
Lrrr: Oh, boy, here we go. I built this castle with my own two slaves. What are you gonna to do, kick me out?
- [Ndnd holds up a frying pan threateningly.]
- [Scene: Planet Express. Lrrr rings the doorbell and Leela answers.]
Lrrr: I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. May I crash on your couch?
- [Time Lapse. The crew is gathering in the meeting room. Lrrr is sleeping on the couch.]
Farnsworth: So he just showed up unannounced, raided the liquor cabinet, sprayed urine on the ceiling and passed out?
Amy: And the walls.
- [The Professor pokes Lrrr with the Fing-Longer.
Lrrr: Leave me alone. My wife hates me and planetary conquest has become a chore.
Farnsworth: There, there. You're just having a mid-life crisis.
Lrrr: Mid-life crisis, eh? [He pulls out a ray-gun.] Lrrr demands the comfort of pop-psychological platitudes.
Bender: Look, hoss, your wife threw you out. That's your license to be a jerk. Do whatever the hell you want then walk away and light a cigar. [He pulls a cigar out of his chest cabinet, lights it, and walks away.
Leela: Don't listen to him, Lrrr. Bender may seem happy. [Bender can be heard laughing.] But in the long-tern, you need to reinvest in your relationship with Ndnd.
Lrrr: Yes, it's clear what I must do.
- [Scene: Malfunctioning Eddie's Rocket-Car Emporium. Lrrr is trying out a hovercar, while Bender and Victor watch.
- [Montage. Rock music starts to play. Lrrr and Bender fly out in the new car. They land at The Elegant Elephant and go inside. Lrrr tries on some new clothes. The montage ends as he disintegrates the robot salesman.]
Lrrr: I like it.
- [Scene: Discreet plastic surgery.]
Surgeon: I'm thinking we downplay those hideous growths on your head. [A hologram shows Lrrr and it is changed to make him seem human with full hair.]
Lrrr: Horns are a sign of virility. Also, they house my testes.
Surgeon: I'm thinking horn extension.
- [Scene: The Hip Joint.]
Bender: You'll need some arm candy. It's the perfect accessory for out-of-shape, middle-aged creeps like you. Yeah, I said it! What's your time, Borgnine?
Lrrr: Big and angry. [He unzips his jacket and pulls out a magazine. He unfolds several pages to reveal a picture of a naked Omicronian woman. Bender's eyes zoom in then suddenly wilt.]
Bender: Look, brah, you just not gonna find a whole lot of hot, gigantic Omicronian babes in this solar system.
Lrrr: There's one! [He stuffs his magazine into his jacket as the woman walks over.]
Grrrl: Hey, cool cape. Were'd you get it?
Lrrr: What, this old thing? I murdered my father. My name's Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
Grrrl: I am called Grrrl.
Lrrr: Of the planet Omicron Persei 8? That is a pretty name.
- [Scene: Planet Express, lounge. Leela is watching Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, while Fry is working on his comic. Lrrr and Bender walk in.]
Lrrr: What's on the TV tonight? Oh, wait! I don't care, because I've got a date!
Leela: I know it's not what you want to hear, but I think this is a mistake.
Fry: Leela's right. That's not what you want to hear. What you want to hear is that I fixed my comic book. Now the hero is more reliable because he has no more ridiculous powers.
Lrrr: Let's watch, shall we.
- [Scene: Fry's comic. Invader X is holding Leelis Lane hostage.]
Invader X: One more step and little Miss Constructive Criticism here gets it!
Delivery-Boy Man: Oh, yeah? I may be just a simple delivery boy with no superpowers, so there's nothing I can do.
Invader X: Okay. [He disintegrates Lane. Delivery-Boy Man bursts into tears.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, lounge.]
Fry: So? Give me your honest praise.
Leela: Fry, I've now seen two comic books, so listen to me. Why should I care about the hero when all he does is cry?
- [Fry starts crying.]
- [Scene: Grrrl's apartment.]
Lrrr: Hmm. That dinner was a worthy foe.
Grrrl: Yes, we shall not see its like again. So, um... [She begins kissing Lrrr.]
Lrrr: Um, I'm sorry. I haven't done this for a while. I just got partway out of a bad relationship.
Grrrl: Maybe I should take this off. [She begins taking off her dress and Lrrr's laser fires. Grrrl reaches back and unzips her costume, revealing her to be a human.]
Lrrr: [He screams.] You're a human?
Grrrl: Only physically. I'm a cross-species dresser. [She hangs up the costume.] Wait, you're an actual Omicronian?
Lrrr: Oh, God. Oh God, what have I done?
Grrrl: This is so hot! Conquer me, Lrrr! Sharpen your horns on my scaly thorax! [She jumps him.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, meeting room. Bender and Fry are sitting while Leela comforts Lrrr.]
Lrrr: [Sobbing.] I want to go home! But Ndnd would never take me back now.
Leela: Ndnd just wants what every she-beast wants, to feel like you're listening to her nagging. Is there anything she has been riding your ass about?
Lrrr: Conquering things, I guess. I could conquer Earth, kill all humans.
Bender: There's a thought.
Leela: No! We don't need a war of the worlds.
Bender: Dork calling Orson! Dork calling Orson!
- [Scene: The Head Museum.]
Fry: Sorry. Never mind.
Welles: I do it for free.
- [Scene: Planet Express, hangar. Bender is using his head as a video camera. Fry has prepared a set that says "Erth News Bulletin.]
Welles: Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our program of the Jonas Brothers and their orchestra to bring you a special bulletin. [Outside, the electromagnetic waves leave Planet Express and head to Omicron Persei 8.]
<poem>Welles: We interrupt our program of the Jonas Brothers and their orchestra to bring you a special bulletin.
- [Scene: Omicron Persei 8. Ndnd is sewing in front of the TV.]
Welles: [on TV.] I'm speaking to you from the hickory farms in Grover's Mall, New Jersey, [on the TV, an image of the Planet Express building appears. It has a sign that says Grover's Mall and a poorly designed, fake flying saucer is being dangled in front of the camera. Amy and Hermes exit the building, carrying a picnic basket.] through a mouthful of summer sausage, mmm, where I hardly know where to being. Mmm! [The scene of TV changes the saucer being dangled over a city made of household items.] A huge spacecraft, piloted by a devastatingly handsome... Now, how, in God's name, do I know what the fellow looks like if he's inside a ship miles in the air? [The scene cuts back to Planet Express.] It's just foolish on its face.
Fry: If you want the cheese log, you'll read what I wrote.
Welles: Very well. I shall comply.
- [Lrrr is dangling the spacecraft while Fry creates small explosions. The scene switches back to Ndnd's TV.]
Welles: I'm getting reports that cities across the globe are being destroyed by this noble invader, whose good looks are apparently discernible across vast distances and through solid metal. [The "spacecraft" lands in front of the White House and Lrrr walks up.] But wait, the leader of the attack is swaggering out of his ship and up to a convenient nearby microphone. Now why couldn't I have just described his appearance at this point? This is the type of thing I'm talking about.
<poem>Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr, conqueror of your planet. [He whispers to the Planet Express crew.] Cue screams. [They scream.] You will now remove your skulls and play dodgeball with them for my amusement.
Ndnd: Ooh! I could swear his horns have gotten longer!
- [Scene: Deep Space. The Nimbus receives the broadcast.]
Kif: Sir, I've intercepted an Earth broadcast.
Zapp: To hell with Little Orphan Annie! We've got to do something.
- [Scene: Washington D.C. Lrrr is on the phone.]
Lrrr: What's that, honey? How many dead? Uh, I don't know, 80 million? Okay. I love you, too. [He hangs up.] That was Ndnd, she's taking me back! [The crew cheers. Hermes is holding Welles.]
Welles: I'm sorry I've been so difficult.
- [The Nimbus lands. Zapp, Kif, and the ship's entire compliment of men walk out.]
Zapp: So, you thought you could conquer us so easily, eh? Nice job. We surrender. Earth is yours. [Lrrr chuckles nervously.]
Welles: Damn, I'm good. Now, may I please have that cheese log?
Zapp: Oh, glorious conqueror, permit me to offer up a sacrifice. [He holds up Kif.] How 'bout this?
Kif: [Lrrr eats one of his legs.] Hey!
Lrrr: Yeah, he'll do.
<poem>Leela: Come on, Lrrr. Show's over.
Lrrr: Fine, okay. About this conquering thing. [He chuckles.] Funny story.
- [A saucer lands and Ndnd is standing at the there.]
Ndnd: Hello, Lrrr.
Leela: Lrrr! Put a stop to this right now!
Lrrr: Okay, okay. Quit nagging!
Ndnd: Lrrr, why are you yelling softly with the purple-furred one?
Lrrr: Uh, it's nothing, my queen. [He tosses Leela away and kisses Ndnd's hand.]
Leela: He messed up my hair.
Kif: I'm missing a leg.
- [Scene: Oval Office.]
Zapp: We fought like Hell, sir, but in the end, we caved like a house of soufflé cards.
Ndnd: Come, Nixon. Introduce me to the kitchen staff. I must lay down the law about Lrrr's low sodium diet. [She, Zapp and Nixon leave. Lrrr starts eating peanuts.]
Leela: You've got to tell her the truth. And lay off the salted peanuts!
Lrrr: I'm just trying to get the leg taste out of my mouth.
Ndnd: Lrrr, I'm in here now, not out there!
Lrrr: Give me a little time. With a lady like Ndnd, one must use finesse. [He walks away.] Coming, giangantums!
- [Newspaper Headline: Earth enslaved. Get back to work!]
- [Montage: Hattie is holding the newspaper. She is whipped by an Omicronian. Leela is welding something. It is the Statue of Liberty, altered to look like an Omicronian. Calculon, Leela, and the Professor are fighting off a tentacled alien with swords. They are performing a play for Lrrr and Ndnd. Ndnd puts on J.J. Abrams' face. Zapp, Amy, Zoidberg and the Australian Man are mining for gems underneath the White House. The gems go onto a conveyor belt that goes to Lrrr and Ndnd's bedroom.]
Ndnd: [She eats a gem.] Mmm. That's crisp.
Lrrr: Yes, but no more so than your squamous dorsal plates in the moonlight.
Ndnd: [She shudders.] I am experiencing arousal. My organs are moving into position. [They kiss. Lrrr sees Leela looking at him and stops.]
Lrrr: Ndnd, there's something that I've got to tell you.
Ndnd: What is it? Is there someone else?
<poem>Lrrr: What? No, no, it's about this takeover of Earth. It's... It's...
Ndnd: The spark that reignited our marriage?
Lrrr: Yes! Exactly. Good night. [He rolls over and pretends to be asleep.]
- [Scene: Planet Express, hangar. The ship now reads "Omicronian Express" and the crew is repainting it. Lrrr walks in sobbing and clutches Leela.]
Leela: Oh, lord! Now what?
Lrrr: I couldn't tell her the truth!
<poem>Leela: Look, you scaly crybaby, you'll do what I say and do it now!
Ndnd: I knew it!
Bender: [He pulls two frying pans out of his cabinet.] Frying pans! Cast-iron frying pans!
Lrrr: It's not what it looks like! What do I do?
Leela: Do what I say. Tell her!
Ndnd: Tell me what? [To Bender.] Give me the heavy one. [She hands him some money.]
Lrrr: The invasion was all a fake. I just wanted to impress you.
Ndnd: You lied? What else have you been hiding from me?
- [Leela pays Bender for the other frying pan.]
Lrrr: What else? Nothing else.
- [The door opens and Grrrl shows up in her Omicronian costume.]
Grrrl: I still want you, Lrrr, and I'm willing to fight for you.
Bender: All I've got left is a colander and a pie pan.
- [Grrrl pulls out a ray gun.]
Lrrr: Look, we only had one date. I barely mated with her.
Ndnd: Whatever. I harbor no resentment against her. [She takes Grrrl's gun and shoots her with it.] What I want to know is what is up between you and Bossy Boots here.
Lrrr: Her? She's just a bossy friend.
Ndnd: Exactly! She nagged you, tormented you, and pushed you around. That is my job! This must be settled. I demand the ancient ritual of Rrrmrrrmrrrfrrrmrrr or Consequences!
Fry: Rrrmrrrmrrrfrrrmrrr or what?
- [Scene: White Planes, NNY.]
Ndnd: Let the ritual begin. The rules are the same as in the home version. Lrrr must simply choose between myself and Leela...
Leela: Fine. Hurry up.
Ndnd: By shooting the one he rejects.
Leela: Lrrr, I'm getting angry. Don't you go through with this.
Ndnd: She is not the boss of you! I am the boss of you! [She throws Lrrr the gun.]
Fry: Leela's gonna die. What would Delivery-Boy Man do? [He looks at the comic. The superhero is crying.]
<poem>Lrrr: [He is sweating and moving the gun between the two women.] I do not want to shoot anybody.
Ndnd: You never want to do anything!
Lrrr: Oh, nag, nag, nag.
Ndnd: You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me!
Lrrr: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Ndnd: Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch.
Ndnd: Oh, yeah! Well I'll show you. [He aims at Leela.]
Fry: [He jumps in front of Leela.] Ray-blocking power! [He is disintegrated.]
Leela: Fry! [She starts crying.]
Ndnd: Lrrr, you were willing to shoot that bossy temptress! You really do value my nagging above all others!
- [They hug and walk into the saucer. It blasts off.]
Leela: Good night, dumb prince.
Grrrl: [She runs up.] Come back, Lrrr! I wanna have your Popplers! They'll never be anyone but you! [She looks at Zoidberg.] Hello.
Zoidberg: Of course I'll marry you!
Amy: Wait, what the Shmell happened? I thought Ndnd disintegrated you with this ray gun.
Grrrl: It's just a cheap teleporter. I bought it off the back of a comic book.
Leela: The teleporter gun? But that means Fry might still be...
[Scene: Planet Express.]
Bender: [He opens the shower. Fry is sitting there.] Is this him?
Leela: Fry, you're alive!
Fry: Not only that, I now know exactly how to end my comic book. Let's watch.
- [Scene: Fry's comic. Invader X is holding Leelis Lane hostage.]
Invader X: Say good-bye to your forehead, 'cause I'm gonna shoot you in it!
Delivery-Boy Man: Not if I leap in front of your death ray, and I am gonna do that. Jumping sound! Ow! [He is on the floor.]
Invader X: I didn't shoot yet. As usual, your delivery arrived too soon. [He is crushed by a freak meteor.]
Lane: Oh, Delivery-Boy Man! You saved me by random chance.
Delivery-Boy Man: Don't thank random chance. Thank my meteor-wishing power, with your lips. [They kiss.]
Leela: [She kisses Fry on the cheek.] Good ending. Not great.
- [Closing Credits.]
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