Transcript:A Tale of Two Santas

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Transcript for
A Tale of Two Santas
Written byBill Odenkirk
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Performed Entirely By Sock Puppets.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the couch watching TV.]

Linda: [on TV] In what has become a winter tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.

[The TV shows people jumping in.]

Morbo: [on TV] There were no survivors.

[Linda chuckles.]

Linda: [on TV] Takes all kinds! And now, with his annual Xmas message, here's the head of the Xmas Safety Council, the head of Walter Cronkite.

Walter Cronkite's head: [on TV] Season's warnings, Linda and Morbo.

Bender: This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle?

Cronkite: [on TV] In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season we too often underestimate that murderous brute better known as Santa Claus. With images of last year's gingerbread massacre freshly baked into our memories, I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets and lock your children in the closet. This is Walter Cronkite saying, "I told you so".

[Some wood appears over the TV. Hermes is boarding it up.]

Hermes: Sacred boa of West and Eastern Samoa. We've got to secure for Santa's arrival.

[Fry presses the remote.]

Fry: Just as well. I'm getting tired of this wood show.

[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Fry, Bender and Leela struggle to get the armour-plated chimney cover over the fireplace. Farnsworth walks in and shakes his fists.]

Farnsworth: Cover that fireplace, confound you! I've only a few years to live. I don't wanna spend them dead.

Leela: We're pushing as hard as we can.

Bender: Oh, pushing!

[He pushes it the other way and hurls Fry and Leela over the top. Farnsworth sits down.]

Farnsworth: Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed. Thanks be I had these bullet-proof shutters installed.

[He flips up the arm of the chair and presses a button.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Grey armour covers the building and knocks Amy off a ladder. She screams. A neon light on the hangar roof spells "Trespassers Will Be Shot" and Deck the Halls plays.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Room.]

Farnsworth: Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.

Fry: [cheering] Alright!

Leela: [cheering] Yeah!

[Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]

Farnsworth: In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

[Fry, Leela and Bender look shocked.]
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off and one of the landing legs gets stuck in the hangar roof. It pulls free and flies away.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Leela and Bender rummage through the sack.]

Fry: These letters are real butt-nutters! [He opens one.] Listen to this one: [reading] Dear Santa.

[Cut to: Girl's Bedroom.]

Girl: [voice-over; writing] Please, please don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bicycle gun really tore up my insides.

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Leela: Awful! Let's read some more. [reading] Dear Santa.

[Cut to: Boy's Bedroom.]

Boy: [voice-over; writing] Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa. You choked him with a chestnut last year and he's beginning to smell a lot like Xmas if you know what I mean.

[A stiff corpse sits in a rocking chair by a window.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Fry: It's not fair. In my day Xmas was supposed to bring people together, not blow them apart!

Bender: Sure, but who's going to do anything about it? Certainly not us. No, sir!

Fry: Certainly yes us, uh-huh, sir! We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember.

Leela: Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap -- and hard!

[Scene: Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside a little town called Jolly Junction at the north pole. There is a the sound of gunfire and barking dogs. The cargo bay lift comes down with Fry, Leela, Bender and the sack of letters. Leela sees something.]

Leela: Oh, look! A cute little welcoming party.

[Neptunians walk towards them holding hands.]

Aide #1: Hey! Wanna buy a tiny little kidney?

Aide #2: I'll let you punch me for a buck.

Fry: Uh, look; we've got mail for Santa. Are you his elves?

Aide #2: We're not elves. We're Neptunians.

Aide #1: We're just shrimp-y because he doesn't feed us.

[Aide #2 grabs Fry's hand and slaps himself with it.]

Aide #2: You hit me! You owe me a dollar.

[Scene: Jolly Junction. Neptunians beat each other and smash bottles over each other's heads. Bender drags the sack down the icy street. Two Neptunians shout from in a house.]

Aide #3: Hey, you got any food? Old teabags, chewed gum, apple cores? Come on! We're starving here!

Fry: But you live in a gingerbread house.

Aide #4: Hey! It's food or shelter, not both.

Bender: You lazy runts! Don't you get paid for making the toys?

Aide #4: Who said "toys"?

[All over the street Neptunians stop and look at Bender.]

Neptunians: Toys? Toys? Who said "toys"?

Aide #2: False alarm, folks! There's no reason to make toys since Santa judges everyone to be naughty.

[He points at the toy factory. It has a sign on it reading "Toy Works Closed. Coming Soon: Crackhouse".]

Fry: That's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift of my boot up Santa's chimney. Where is he?

Aide #2: There! In his ice fortress.

[He points up a mountain. The fortress is at the top and lightning flashes around it.]

Leela: We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers?

[None of the Neptunians raise their hand.]

Aide #1: I'll help you!

[Aide #2 sees Aide #1 has raised both of their hands.]

Aide #2: Ah, phooey!

[Scene: Outside Ice Fortress. The Neptunians carry the sack of letters up the winding track in a wheelbarrow. They pass a cardboard Santa with an outstretched arm like at a theme park. It holds a sign reading "If You Are Taller Than This Prepare To Die". A circular saw comes out of the hand and cuts their hats off. They pass some dogs that bark Jingle Bells at them. A bird lands on the electric fence and gets sizzled. Aide #2 picks it up.]

Aide #2: An omen?

Aide #1: Dinner!

[He takes it and puts it down his trousers.]
[Scene: Ice Fortress. Santa sits in a chair at an enormous screen. He laughs maniacally.]

Santa: Let's see who's been naughty, and who's been naughty! [He pushes a button and Clamps and Joey Mouse Pad appear on the screen, beating a man. The man screams in pain.] Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper for protection money. Very naughty! [He writes.] Shopkeeper's not paying their protection money. Exactly as naughty! [He presses another button and Scruffy appears sitting on some steps. He rubs his nose.] I saw that! [He writes. A squeaking comes from behind him.] Huh?

[He turns around and sees the Neptunians bring in the wheelbarrow.]

Aide #2: We brought your mail.

Santa: Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing, you know!

Aide #2: Don't kill us!

[They run off. The sack rustles. Inside are Fry, Leela and Bender.]

Leela: Santa's a robot, so we should be able to destroy him with a logical paradox. Bender, you'd better cover your ears.

[She tears open the bag and they leap out. Santa's eyes turn evil.]

Santa: Holy night! Intruders!

[He picks up a missile launcher and aims it at Leela.]

Leela: Hold it, Santa! [She nods at Bender who covers his ears and sings to himself.] Consider this: You are programmed to destroy the naughty, but many of those you destroy are in fact nice. I submit to you that you are naughty and, logically, you must destroy yourself.

[Sparks come from Santa's neck. He jitters and his head explodes. Fry and Leela cheer but he immediately grows a new head.]

Santa: Nice try. But my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple-zones.

[He raises the missile launcher again. Leela and Fry duck out the way. He aims it at Bender who is still covering his ears. He sees Santa and runs. They run down a corridor and Santa shoots missiles at them. They duck into an elevator and a missile wedges itself in the door.]
[Cut to: Elevator. The crew huddle in a corner. Leela frantically presses the down button. The elevator goes down and cuts off the top of the missile. It bleeps on the floor. The crew scream.]
[Cut to: Outside Ice Fortress. They run out with Leela carrying the warhead.]

Leela: Wait! This is what we're running from!

[She tosses the warhead back into the elevator. They get on a sled but it doesn't move.]

Fry: Faster! Faster!

[The bomb explodes and propels the sled down the track. Sentry towers shoot at them and the Santa cut-out sticks out its circular saw.]
[Cut to: Jolly Junction. The Neptunians cook their bird on a spit. The sled slides past and sprays snow over the fire. They speed on round a corner and hit the steps of the ship. They get off and run inside.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone sits down and Leela presses some buttons. The engines start but the ship just shakes.]

Fry: Why aren't we moving?

[Leela presses some more buttons and throws the wheel about.]

Leela: I don't know. Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves.

[Cut to: Outside Ship. Santa holds the engines, stopping the ship from moving.]

Santa: Ho, ho-- Eh?

[He looks down. The radiation from the engines begins to melt the snow and ice beneath him and he sinks. He lets go of the ship and it lands again. The ice solidifies around him and the Neptunians and crew gather around.]

Fry: He's trapped!

[The Neptunians cheer. One runs forward and kicks him.]

Aide #2: Now we can make toys again!

Neptunians: [chanting] Toys! Toys! Toys!

Fry: And I can deliver them. Billions and billions in one night.

[He takes Santa's hat and puts it on.]

Santa: Ha! No human could do all that.

Fry: Evil Knievel could!

Santa: Nuh-uh!

Bender: Santa's right. We need some sort of robot. [There is silence. The Neptunians, Santa, Fry and Leela stare at Bender.] Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.

[Fry puts his hat on Bender's head. The Neptunians throw their hats in the air.]

Neptunians: Hooray! [They throw their clothes in the air.] Hooray! [They throw their underwear in the air.] Hooray!

[Time Lapse.]

Santa: Bender can't be Santa! He wasn't built to Yuletide specifications.

Bender: Oh, yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either. [He pulls it out of his coat.] But that didn't stop me.

Leela: Bender!

[She takes it from him. Bender turns to the Neptunians.]

Bender: Bow to your new Santa!

Neptunians: Our hero!

[Scene: Jolly Junction. The Neptunians sing and skip towards the Toyworks.]

Neptunians: [singing] We are free and fairly sober,
With so many toys to build.

[Cut to: Toyworks.]

Neptunians: [singing] The machines are kinda tricky,
Probably someone will be killed,
But we gladly work for nothing--

Fry: [singing] Which is good because we don't intend to pay.

All: [singing] The elves are back to work today!

Neptunians: [singing] Hooray!
[They saw logs and they go down a conveyor belt.]
We have just a couple hours,
To make several billion gifts,
[A Neptunian boxes some toys. Another adds the polystyrene S's.]
And the labour isn't easy--

Leela: [singing] Then you'll all work triple shifts,
You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super-speed.

[She turns a dial to "Lucy".]

Fry: , and [singing] It's back to work on Xmas Eve!

Neptunians: [cheering] Hooray!

Leela: [singing] And though you're cold and sore and ugly,
Your pride will mask the pain.

Fry: [singing] Let my happy smile warm your hearts--

Aide #5: [singing] There's a toy lodged in my brain!

[There is a train in his head. Bender sits on the conveyor belt and the Neptunians spray him red.]

Neptunians: [singing] We are getting awfully tired,
And we can't work any faster,
And we're very, very sorry--

Bender: [singing] Why you selfish little bastards,
Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed jerk?

[He kicks a Neptunian.]

Aide #6: Ow!

Bender: [singing] Then shut your yaps and back to work.

[Scene: Outside Toyworks. It is night. Santa's sleigh is being loaded with presents.]

Neptunians: [singing] Now it's very nearly Xmas,
And we've done the best we could,

Fry: [singing] These toys soldiers are poorly painted.

Leela: [singing] And they're made from inferior wood.

[She snaps the soldier in half.]

Bender: [singing] I should give you all a beating,
But I really have to fly.

[He flies over Santa.]

Santa: [singing] If I weren't stuck here frozen,
I'd harpoon you in the eye.

Neptunians: [singing] Now it's back into our tenements,
To drown ourselves in rye.

Leela: [singing] You did the best you could,
I guess that some of these gorillas are OK.

[The Neptunians cheer.]

Aide #7: We're adequate!

All: [singing] The elves have rescued Xmas Day! Hooray!

[Bender flies overhead and around Santa's fortress. Some presents fall out of the sleigh and the fortress defences shoot them.]
[Scene: He flies towards Earth and over the streets of New New York. A snowman in the street wears a helmet holds a gun with a bayonet.]
[Scene: Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender throws the sack over his shoulder. He sees bars on the chimney.]

Bender: [stupid voice] Duh! Gee, Bender, how you gonna get through these bars? [normal voice] I dunno, moron, suppose I bend them? [stupid voice] Duh, OK!

[He bends them.]
[Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Lounge. Bender falls into the fireplace. The family are hidden behind a couch.]

Girl: Mommy! Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!

Mrs. Grant: This is it, kids. Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer.

Bender: No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got toys ... at very reasonable prices!

Jeffery: Don't listen to him. He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks!

Bender: But I come bearing Tri-ominos!

[Mrs. Grant stands up and raises a crowbar.]

Mrs. Grant: Go for the shins!

[Bender runs back into the fireplace and scrambles up the chimney. The family hit him with metal objects and he cries out in pain.]
[Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender emerges from the chimney with his legs completely battered. He crawls into the sleigh.]

Bender: [groaning] One down...

[Scene: Bender lands on another roof and climbs down the chimney.]
[Cut to: Petunia's Lounge. The room is dark. Lights go on and Petunia stands in the doorway in her nightie.]

Petunia: Well, hello there, handsome! [She opens a cookie jar.] Won't you have a cookie?

Bender: Uh, don't mind if I do. [He reaches in and a mousetrap snaps on his fingers.] Ow! What's in these things?

Petunia: Why don't you slip into something more fiery?

[She blasts him with a flamethrower and he screams.]
[Cut to: Petunia's Rooftop. Bender flies out of the chimney and lands in a charred heap. His sack lands on him.]

Bender: Ow!

[Scene: Bender flies the sleigh through the sky. The Kwanzaabot flies alongside.]

Kwanzaabot: Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, doll?

Bender: Oh, it's awful, Kwanzaabot. Everyone hates me.

Kwanzaabot: At least they understand you, you know what I'm sayin'? Ain't nobody down with this Kwanzaa tip.

Bender: Hey! Maybe you could lend me a hand with these deliveries.

[Kwanzaabot makes a noise like a "no" buzzer.]

Kwanzaabot: No time! I gotta hand out the traditional Kwanzaa book. [He holds up a book called "What The Hell Is Kwanzaa?" and sighs.] I've been givin' these out for 647 years!

[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy flies up to the top of the Xmas tree and sprays lights from a can onto it. Leela puts candy canes on a bush. Nibbler emerges from it and eats them. Fry and Hermes stand by a bathtub of what looks like eggnog.]

Fry: Ah! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma used to drink. [He tastes it and spits it out.] Ew! It went sour!

[Zoidberg sits up in the bath.]

Zoidberg: Can't I have a scented bath in peace?

[He scrubs his back with a brush.]

Leela: Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?

Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3!

[Bender lands in the fireplace.]

Bender: Ho, ho-- [Farnsworth blasts Bender in the chest with a shotgun and he falls back.] Ow!

Leela: [shouting] Professor! Don't you remember what I told you?

Farnsworth: [shouting] No!

[He shoots Bender again and Hermes and Amy dodge.]
[Scene: Planet Express Roof. Bender sits on the roof of the dome and unrolls his list of presents. He crosses off Farnsworth's name.]

Bender: [crying] Oh, there's gotta be a better way.

[Cut to: New New York City Street. Bender walks past a Toys For Tots bin and empties the sack of presents into the sewer.]

Bender: Bender, you're a genius!

[Vyolet stands under the sewer grate waving a Barbie.]

Vyolet: This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty!

[She snorts.]
[Scene: Alley. Bender sits leaning against a dumpster and holding a bottle of beer.]

Bender: Now it's time for Santa to screw open his present!

[He opens the bottle and drinks the beer. From the end of the alley, Smitty and URL watch.]

Smitty: It's Santa! And we got him cornered!

URL: Aw, I smell a juicy promotion for me.

Smitty: And a juicy re-hiring-back-onto-the-force for me!

[They shine a light at Bender.]
[Newspaper Headline: "Suspect Nabbed In Santa Case. Chanukah Zombie Still At Large".]
[Scene: Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The courtroom is packed with people for Bender's trial.]

Bailiff: This Xmas Day session of court will come to order. The Honourable Judge Whitey presiding.

[Whitey takes his seat and bangs his gavel.]

Whitey: Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes against humanity. How do you plead?

Bender: Not Santa!

[Farnsworth stands up and points at Bender.]

Farnsworth: There he is again!

[He shoots Bender in the back.]
[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken Lawyer questions the witness, a little girl.]

Hyper-Chicken: Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that there witness box but t'ain't no need to fear me. [He clucks and she flinches.] I'm sorry, I thought you was corn. Now, would you please point at that robot over there. [She points and the court gasps.] No further questions. [He walks off, sits down and opens his briefcase. There are nine chicks inside.] Daddy done good, huh?

[Time Lapse. Bender cross-examines the girl.]

Bender: Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?

Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.

Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say. How can any of us trust you?

[Pramala bursts into tears.]

Whitey: Quit badgering the witness!

[The Hyper-Chicken jumps up.]

Hyper-Chicken: Badger? Where?

[He clucks around in a panic. Whitey bangs his gavel.]

Whitey: Whereas I have a ham dinner with mayonnaise waiting for me at my mansion, I find the defendant guilty. [The court gasps.] Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you to be executed at sundown.

[He bangs his gavel. Bender is shocked. Smitty and URL lead him away.]

Leela: It's not fair. I just hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.

[Cut to: Outside Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The Hyper-Chicken crows on the roof.]
[Scene: Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Smitty and URL lead Bender into the cells. Mayor Poopenmeyer and the Preacherbot follow them.]

Smitty: Deactivated robot walking. We got a deactivated robot walking here.

[A robot leans through his cell bars and stops them.]

Robot: Hey, Santa, when you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm-a comin'!

[They past the next cell. The Robot Devil is inside.]

Bender: Hey, that guy said to tell you that--

Robot Devil: I heard him!

[Scene: Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside Jolly Junction. The steps squash a Jack-in-the-Box and it plays Pop Goes The Weasel. The Neptunians now wear summer gear.]

Aide #1: Greetings, masters. My companion and I made lots of toys.

[Leela pushes him aside.]

Leela: Outta my way, shrimp-oh. We're here to bring Santa back so we can prove Bender's innocent.

[Time Lapse. Leela cuts through the ice around Santa with a chainsaw.]

Santa: Do what you will. But we'll see who has the last ho.

[Fry, Leela and the Neptunians use planks and candy canes to lift Santa out of the ground in one solid block of ice.]

Leela: There.

[The ice starts to melt.]

Fry: Oh, no! The ice is melting!

Leela: The pollution from the factory! It caused a greenhouse effect.

Aide #1: That would explain this heat.

Fry: And your breezy short-shorts!

Aide #2: Uh, yeah! That would explain it.

[Santa breaks through the melting ice. Everyone screams and runs. Fry and Leela run into the Toyworks.]
[Cut to: Toyworks. Neptunians make toys. Santa runs in, shooting a laser, and the elves run. Fry and Leela scream and jump onto the conveyor belt and over toy soldiers like hurdles. Santa follows, still shooting. Fry and Leela jump off the end of the conveyor belt. Leela turns one of the soldiers bayonets upwards and it impales Santa. He groans.]
[Cut to: Neptune Surface. Fry and Leela run up the steps.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela powers up the ship and it takes off and tears away from Neptune.]

Fry: Hurry! We've gotta think of another way to save Bender or Xmas will be ruined!

Leela: Especially for Bender.

[Scene: Santa crouches on the roof of the ship.]

Santa: Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.

[He laughs.]
[Scene: Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Bender is being strapped to a table for his execution by Magnexecutioner. He is moved forward between two giant magnets.]

Poopenmeyer: Ah, good old Maggie! [His watch flies off his arm and sticks to a magnet followed by a flask and a iron from his pocket.] Eh? When I pull this switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb-from-limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner.

Bender: But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.

Poopenmeyer: It is for the witnesses because it's not boring! [He turns to the applauding witnesses and waves to them. He puts on his executioner mask and walks over to the switch.] The instant this random number generator reaches zero, you'll be executed.

Bender: Aw!

[Poopenmeyer presses a button. The generator displays numbers.]

Poopenmeyer: Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.

[Enter Leela.]

Leela: Stop the execution!

Bender: Leela!

Poopenmeyer: Fifteen. Negative eight.

Leela: You got the wrong Santa. And I'll prove it.

[Fry walks in dressed in a Santa outfit.]

Fry: I'm Santa Claus!

[The witnesses gasp.]

Poopenmeyer: What? Twenty-seven.

[Enter Hermes in a Santa outfit.]

Hermes: No. I'm Santa Claus.

Poopenmeyer: Six.

[Enter Amy and Farnsworth in Santa outfits.]

Amy: [disguised, deeper voice] We're also Santa Claus.

[Enter Zoidberg dressed as Jesus, surrounded by a white light.]

Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus!

Fry: Your Mayor-ness, if you execute him, you have to execute all of us.

Poopenmeyer: You people aren't Santa. You're not even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you lie in front of Jesus! [The display shows "00".] Hey! Zero!

[He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them.]

Bender: No! Not the magnets! [His eyes widen.] [singing] Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. [The witnesses applaud.] Swing low, sweet...

Fry: This is horrible.

Farnsworth: But it's not boring!

[Santa's sleigh crashes through the wall, knocking off one of the electromagnets.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho!

[He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela dive behind some rubble.]

Poopenmeyer: My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!

Zoidberg: I help those who help themselves.

[Santa shoots at him and he runs out. The sleigh lands.]

Bender: Santa! You saved my life. Please don't kill me!

[Santa laughs.]

Santa: I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I need you to help me save Xmas.

Bender: Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help you?

Fry: Don't do it! He's evil!

Santa: I know he is but I have no choice. I'm running late and if I don't complete my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?

Bender: Well ... 'tis the season!

[Santa pulls him out of his restraints and puts him in the sleigh. He climbs in and the sleigh flies off.]
[Scene: New New York City Streets. Santa flies the sleigh down a street and Bender smashes lights with a blernsball bat. Santa shoots a missile at a Stinky Stork's Diaper Service truck and it explodes, showering people with diapers. Scruffy puts up an umbrella.]

Man: My hair!

Woman: My wedding cake!

[Santa and Bender laugh.]

Santa: Let it snow!

[They fly around a corner and Bender holds handfuls of toys.]

Bender: Merry Xmas, kids!

[He throws the toys through windows and walls. Santa shoots a bike at a little girl. Bender laughs.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. The staff and LaBarbara sit in darkness. Outside, buildings burn and police car sirens wail.]

Leela: This wangs chun! After all the good we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten as ever.

Farnsworth: No heat.

Amy: No power.

Hermes: Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig.

[He hugs LaBarbara. Zoidberg and Fry are also huddled together.]

Fry: Wait a second! Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all.

Leela: What are you talking about, you crouton? You said it yourself: Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.

Fry: But don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas!

Farnsworth: That's a big crock of-- [There is an explosion outside.] Hold me!

[Everyone huddles together.]
[Scene: In the sky, Bender whips the reindeer.]

Bender: On, Trasher! On, Smasher! [The Kwanzaabot flies alongside.] Hey, Kwanzaabot, where you off to?

Kwanzaabot: Ah, you didn't hear about it? Chanukah Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai B'rith! You comin'?

Bender: Word!

[The Kwanzaabot flies off. Santa pulls out a present.]

Santa: By the way, Bender, here's a small token of my appreciation for being Santa while I was trapped in the ice.

[Bender takes the gift and cheers. He opens it.]

Bender: Hey, chief, you screwed up. There's nothing in here.

Santa: Oh, it might appear empty but the message is clear: Play Santa again and I'll kill you next year! [He kicks Bender out of the sleigh into the fiery city below and flies away.] Ho, ho, ho!

[Closing Credits.]