Transcript:Crimes of the Hot

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Transcript for
Crimes of the Hot
Written byAaron Ehasz
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Known To Cause Insanity In Laboratory Mice.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Balcony. The staff stand wearing swimsuits as the sun beats down. Leela stands by an empty kiddie pool.]

Zoidberg: Hurry up with the water. I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am. It's that hot, it is!

[Leela rips open a packet of Instant Pool Water (Just Add Water - Dead Leaves Included.)]

Leela: Hi-yah!

[She empties the packet into the pool and squirts it with the hose. The pool fills with water with the dead leaves floating on top. Fry and Bender emerge from the building.]

Fry: Man, it's hot! [different voice] How hot is it? [normal voice] It's so hot, I poured McDonald's coffee in my lap to cool off. [He chuckles.] Johnny Carson said it.

[Nibbler starts to drink the pool water.]

Leela: No, Nibbler! Don't drink the pool water! It's full of chlorine!

[Nibbler finishes off the water and belches a green gas. Everyone except Bender coughs and falls over unconscious. Bender laughs.]

Bender: Lightweights! Oh, wait, chlorine!

[He rusts and falls over.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff slouch at the table, sweating. Farnsworth attaches a filmstrip to Bender. The reels are on his arms and the filmstrip itself is looped through his "nose".]

Farnsworth: Perhaps this movie will help us take our minds off the heat.

[He turns on the film.]

Bender: [jittery] Focus!

[The movie is projected onto the screen and the title comes up.]

Narrator: [voice-over] Global Warming Or: None Like It Hot!

[In the movie a little girl walks out of an ice cream shop with a cone. The ice cream melts before she can take a lick. She cries and the narrator laughs.]

Narrator: [in movie] You're probably wondering why your ice cream went away. Well, Suzie, the culprit isn't foreigners, it's global warming!

Suzie: [in movie] Gwobal wappa?

Narrator: [in movie.] Uh, yeah! Meet Mr. Sunbeam. He comes all the way from the sun to visit Earth.

[As he speaks there is a scene of a sunbeam in a hat with a briefcase. He walks from the sun to Earth and raises his hat.]

Mr. Sunbeam: [in movie.] Hello, Earth! Just poppin' in to brighten your day! [He hums a tune.] And now I'll be on my way!

[He walks away from the Earth but is stopped by a gas in a black jacket.]

Gas: [in movie] Not so fast, Sunbeam! We're greenhouse gases. You ain't goin' nowhere!

[More gases arrive and they beat up Mr. Sunbeam.]

Mr. Sunbeam: [in movie] Ooh! Ah! Oh, God, it hurts!

Narrator: [in movie] Pretty soon, Earth is chock-full of sunbeams ... [Dead Sunbeams are piled up.] ... their rotting corpses heating our atmosphere.

[The gases laugh and the scene changes to a classroom.]

Suzie: [in movie] How do we get wid of the gweenhouse grasses?

Narrator: [in movie] Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last-minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063 we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean every now and then.

[The movie cuts to a shot of a aircraft dropping a large ice cube into the ocean and then cuts back to the classroom.]

Suzie: [in movie] Just like Daddy puts in his drink every morning. And then he gets mad.

Narrator: [in movie] Of course, since the greenhouse gases are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time. [There are shots of bigger ice cubes being dropped into the ocean.] Thus solving the problem once and for all.

Suzie: [in movie] But--

Narrator: [angry; in movie.] Once and for all!

[The movie quickly ends with the caption "The End".]

Leela: Well, we just need one of those big ice cubes. Someone should call the losers who are supposed to deliver it. [The phone rings. Leela answers.] Hello?

[Nixon's head appears on the screen.]

Nixon: [on screen] President Nixon here. [Zoidberg salutes.] I'm hiring you losers to deliver the ice. And hurry up! I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover trying to squeeze into a new girdle!

[He cuts off.]

Farnsworth: You heard the good news, everyone! Save the Earth, et cetera, et cetera! [He stands up and starts ushering them out.] Bye!

Fry: Wait! Where do we get the ice?

Farnsworth: The wha? Oh, Halley's Comet, of course. The only sufficient source of ice cubes that don't have bugs in them.

Fry: Wow! Mining a comet! That sounds fun.

Farnsworth: Yes, there's no safer occupation than mining. Especially when you're perched on a snowball whipping through space at a million miles an hour. [He mimes a snowball whipping through space at a million miles an hour.] Safe!

[Scene: The ship flies towards Halley's Comet with a large paper cup atop it.]
[Scene: Halley's Comet Surface. The ship lands and the cargo lift comes down. Bender moves a piece of machinery off the ship and onto the comet. Fry and Leela walk onto the roof wearing their red space suits.]

Bender: [shouting] Deploying ice drill.

[He presses a button. The machine sprouts "legs" that raise it to the same height as the ship. An object comes out of the top of it, revealing the machine to be a giant ice dispenser.]

Fry: Wow! That ice dispenser's so big, the ice crushes you! [He chuckles.] Yakov Smirnov said it.

Leela: No, he didn't.

[Bender pushes the giant cup onto the ice dispenser.]

Bender: [shouting] Activating ice drill.

[The drill drills through the surface but only a bit of grit comes through the dispenser.]

Fry: Oh, my God! It's out of ice! Like some outer space Motel 6!

[Leela gasps.]

Leela: Completely out of ice?

Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it ... also life.

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff are still sweltering. On the TV, Morbo's head inflates and deflates.]

Linda: [on TV] With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing the devastating effects of sudden intense global warming.

Morbo: [on TV] Morbo is pleased but sticky. The scorching heat has melted the polar ice caps, causing floods of biblical proportion.

[The shot changes to a swamped city with an ark floating through it.]

Randy: [on TV] They called me crazy for building this ark.

Soupy: [on TV] You are crazy. You filled it with same-sex animal couples!

Randy: [on TV] Hey! There are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like.

[The shot changes to a live feed of windmills.]

Morbo: [voice-over; on TV] Direct your attention now to the African turtles seen here migrating to cooler homes in Holland.

[A turtle rolls onto the back of its shell and can't get up.]

Bender: [crying] That poor turtle!

Fry: Bender? Are you crying?

Bender: [crying] Uh, no! Never!

[He wipes his eyes with windscreen wipers.]

Morbo: [on TV] Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips.

Linda: [on TV] I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.

Morbo: [shouting; on TV] Windmills do not work that way! [He turns to the camera.] Goodnight!

[Scene: A thermometer shows the temperature reaching 120F.]
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The crew sit on some steps.]

Bender: Well, everybody, I just saved a turtle. What have you done with your lives?

Hermes: You went all the way to Holland already?

[Bender points the clogs on his feet and dances.]

Leela: Bender, a turtle isn't yourself. Why do you care about it?

Bender: Because I also care deeply about things that remind me of myself. Like poor little Shelly here.

[He strokes the turtle.]

Hermes: What could you possibly have in common with this walking soup mix?

Bender: For one thing, we both have a tough outer shell. [He bangs his casing then the turtle's shell.] But lead a rich, inner life. And also ... well, you know.

Leela: You're both alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gamblers?

Bender: No! It's just ... neither of us can get up when we get knocked on our back.

Fry: What? I've seen you get up off your back tons of times.

Bender: Those times I was slightly on my side.

Hermes: Interesting. Maybe we should test this erectile dysfunction of yours, Bender.

[Everyone gets up and moves towards Bender.]

Bender: Uh, no! That's not necessary, really! I think I hear my factory recalling me. [Amy crouches behind Bender and he trips over her and he and the turtle land on their backs.] Oh! That's what I get for sharing my vulnerability with you.

[A Civil Defense van drives past.]

Van: Calling all scientists, calling all scientists. Be advised there will be a worldwide conference on global warming in Kyoto, Japan.

[A man runs to the van.]

Man: I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine!

Van: You've got a degree in baloney!

[The van sprays the man with a water cannon.]

Amy: Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist!

Farnsworth: Forget it, I'm not going! I have my reasons! Shut up, all of you!

Hermes: Strange. You haven't acted this suspicious since I found those "ape bones" in the basement.

Farnsworth: My hip hurts! I'm in the middle of cooking a turkey! I have warranty cards to fill out! I am not just making excuses! Alright, I'll go!

[Scene: Outside Conference Centre. Scientists from all over the world arrive. Photographers take photos of them and fans in the crowd wave papers for them to sign.]

Woman #1: [shouting] Oh, God, I can't believe it!

Woman #2: [shouting] I love you!

[Farnsworth steps out of a limo. Joan Rivers' Head is commentating at the star-studded event.]

Rivers: Oh, oh, oh! It's Hubert Farnsworth! He's looking sharp in a standard white lab coat and dark slacks! His wristwatch is a Casio.

[Scene: Conference Centre. The scientists are gathered in the auditorium. The Civil Defense van pulls up on the stage.]

Van: Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure to introduce the host of the Kyoto Global Warming Convention. The inventor of the environment and first Emperor of the Moon: Al Gore.

[Al Gore's head in a jar rises up from the middle of the stage.]

Al Gore's head: I have ridden the mighty Moon Worm.

[The audience goes wild.]

Fry: Good for him!

Gore: My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance and the much more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth, we need to defend our planet against pollution. As well as dark wizards.

[The audience cheers and a dark wizard who looks like Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python And The Holy Grail sulks.]

Dark Wizard: Sure! Blame the wizards!

Gore: That's why I'm offering a bag of Moon Sapphires to the first scientist who can solve this problem once and for all. [The audience "Ooh's".] Lovely, aren't they?

Dark Wizard: Sapphires? [He cackles.] With those I could open the Gate of Kerash!

Gore: First up is Professor Ogden Wernstrom.

[Wernstrom walks onto the stage.]

Farnsworth: Wernstrom!

[Wernstrom clears his throat.]

Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, I have placed in orbit a giant mirror that will reflect 40% of the sun's rays, thus cooling Earth. Observe.

[He presses a button and the roof opens up. The audience shield their eyes from the sunlight. Fry pants.]
[Scene: The mirror moves in space and reflects the rays.]
[Cut to: Conference Centre. The room falls into shadow and Wernstrom dusts off his hands.]

Wernstrom: Problem solved.

[He laughs.]
[Scene: A piece of debris hits the mirror. It starts to spin and reflects more sunlight onto the Earth in a concentrated beam.]
[Cut to: City Street. A man shields his eyes.]

Man: Ooh! That's a little bright.

[The sunlight scorches the street and incinerates the man.]
[Cut to: Conference Centre. The sunbeam cuts through the building. The audience run around panicking. Gore continues talking.]

Gore: Alright, what else we got?

Fry: Professor, you're a professor. You must have some ideas.

Farnsworth: Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've got nothing to hide!

Gore: Our next speaker is Professor--

Farnsworth: I demand the floor!

Gore: Yes, it's your turn to speak.

Farnsworth: Well nuts to me. I'm taking the stage! [He walks on stage.] I know the source of the greenhouse gases. But in my shame I've kept it secret for 75 long years. Oh, it haunts my memory still.

[He holds a ray gun up to his head.]

Fry: Professor, no! Don't do it!

Farnsworth: Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then?

[He pulls the trigger and a blue glow envelopes his head.]
[Flashback. Mom's Friendly Robot Company: Farnsworth's Lab.]

Farnsworth: [voice-over] It was October 17th at 1:54pm and 14 birds were flying by the window. I was working at Mom's Friendly Robot Company. Back then, you see, robots were slow-moving, stiff and a little on the uptight side.

[A prototype C-3PO-like robot wakes up on the table. It looks around and sees Farnsworth.]

Prototype: Oh, dear. Might I favour master with a tender kiss on the forehead?

[It kisses Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: Oh, I've failed again.

[He presses a button and the robot is crushed à la the Terminator in The Terminator.]

Prototype: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

Farnsworth: [voice-over] The owner of the company pressured me to create a bigger sportier robot.

[In Mom's office, Mom bashes Farnsworth's head on her desk and he screams.]

Farnsworth: Stop!

[Time Lapse. Farnsworth finishes making a robot.]

Farnsworth: [voice-over] It wasn't easy but, by sacrificing fuel efficiency, I succeeded.

[The robot wakes up, drinks beer and belches fire.]

Mom: What was that?

Farnsworth: A flaming burp.

Mom: Does it always do that?

Farnsworth: It's not always a burp. We still have one problem though: This robot will never meet emission standards.

Mom: Crap spackle! [She slaps him.] We'll just call it a sport utility robot and classify it as a light truck.

Farnsworth: Well, I suppose the environment can take one more for the team.

[He starts to clean the robot.]

Farnsworth: [voice-over] What a fool I was. If only I had made the effort to develop a cleaner-burning robot. But I was tired and in love.

[Mom lies on a table.]

Mom: Take me now, you stud!

[He climbs onto the table, yawns and they make out. The robot carries on drinking.]
[Flashback ends.]

Farnsworth: Oh, this is all my fault!

Fry: That's awful, Professor. Especially the making-out part.

Gore: Yeah, I didn't need to hear that.

Farnsworth: All modern robots descend from my original smog-blasting designs. And that's the cause of global warming today.

Wernstrom: Huh, so the robots are to blame. As I suspected. [He speaks into the microphone.] We are left with only one possible course of action, grim though it be.

Bender: I got a good feeling about this!

Wernstrom: We must immediately and permanently shut down, dismantle and destroy all robots!

Bender: No!

Farnsworth: Wait, surely there's a better--

[The Civil Defense van interrupts him.]

Van: The conference is over.

Gore: I must go now, to help collect cans on Jupiter. Peace out, y'all!

[Rockets come out of the side of his jar and he blasts off.]

Crowd: [chanting] Destroy all robots! Destroy all robots!

Amy: Poor Bender.

Fry: Be brave, my friend.

[The turtle goes into its shell and Bender goes into his.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is still in his body and the staff try to coax him out.]

Leela: Come on. You've got to come out of your chest sometime. [She holds up a bottle of beer.] Would you do it for a Bender snack?

[She opens it and tempts him with it. He reaches out to grab it and the others grab his arm.]

Fry: Aha!

Leela: Gotcha!

Bender: Let me go! I don't even want the stupid beer! [They struggle with the bottle. Bender pulls it away and runs off with it.] Yes! You tried to trick me into coming out of my chest. But who has the beer now? [He cackles and his head comes out. He drinks the beer and flag appears on his antenna.] I've got mail!

[He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out a card with the words "It's A Party" on it.]

Amy: Ooh! It's a party, apparently.

[Bender opens it and Nixon's head spins around in it.]

Nixon: [on card] Do you like to party? To boogie down? Well I'm throwing an all-night beach raver for my robot pals. It all goes down Saturday on the isolated Galapagos Islands where there will be no escape ... from the fun! All robots must attend.

Zoidberg: Strange: Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? [He snaps his claws.] It's a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [No one reacts.] I don't hear any gasping.

Leela: We all figured that out.

[Zoidberg groans.]

Bender: Well, I'm off.

[Fry blocks the door.]

Fry: Wait! We could hide you. We'll pile fruit on you and claim you're a bowl.

Bender: No. I'm going to the party.

[Fry puts a banana skin on Bender's head.]

Fry: I won't let you!

Bender: Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willing to kill for. Jewels, vengeance, Father O'Mally's weed whacker. But, at long last, I've found something I'm willing to die for: This mindless turtle.

Fry: Bender, this world isn't good enough for you.

Bender: Not even close. Goodbye, everybody! Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead. [He leaves.] [shouting] It's booby trapped!

[Montage: KC And The Sunshine Band's Get Down Tonight plays as the robots party on a ship, cross the desert on camels, swing through a jungle and get shot out of cannons at a fair. They then head for the party on the Galapagos Islands. A hovering sign reads "Today: Robot Party. Tomorrow: Big Scrap-Metal Giveaway". There is a Wet Chassis Contest and Fembots jiggle around.]

Robot #1: Oh, yeah!

Robot #2: Come on, baby!

[Bender looks at his turtle as robots conga past him.]

Bender: Poor guy. Maybe you'd feel better if I had a drink. [He pumps a keg but it is dry.] Crummy keg! It's completely ta-- Oh, you're a robot!

Keg Robot: Don't stop!

Bender: Ew!

[Nixon takes the stage.]

Nixon: Attention, happening robots: Who's got what it takes to party with Nixon? [The robots cheer.] You fellas enjoy yourselves for the next two hours. And be sure not to leave the island, uh, for at least two hours. I'm going out to pick up some smokes ... uh, really good smokes. Two hours. [The robots cheer.] OK, headless body of Agnew, let's blow this joint!

[Agnew growls and carries Nixon to a helicopter. Bender watches the helicopter fly away.]

Crushinator: [mechanical voice] Do you want to dance?

Bender: Nah, I'm not really in the--

Crushinator: [mechanical voice] You know you want to.

[She shakes him around and Bender panics.]
[Scene: Nixon's Helicopter. The helicopter flies through space towards Wernstrom's mirror.]

Wernstrom: Per your orders, I modified my mirror to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse at the Galapagos. Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated. Now for your part of the bargain.

Nixon: Aroo! Very well. Agnew, you belong to Wernstrom now.

[Agnew growls.]
[Scene: Galapagos Islands. Bender talks to Shelly.]

Bender: I'll say goodbye now. There ain't not turtles where daddy's a-going. [whispering] Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's about to shut all robots off and--

[A boom mic robot hangs over Bender.]

Boom Mic-bot: [shouting] What?

[There is bedlam with the robots. Malfunctioning Eddie explodes.]

Robot #3: [shouting] We're gonna die!

Preacherbot: [shouting] We're going to the great beyond!

Chain Smoker: [shouting] Nixon's not bringing the smokes!

[The Refreshment-bot screams. Bender kicks over Boxy and uses him as a soapbox.]

Bender: Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! [The robots stop panicking and turn around. Roberto stabs the robot who couldn't make his payments in Bender Gets Made.] Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here. Except perhaps you, Hedonismbot. [The Hedonismbot eats grapes.] But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonismbot!

Hedonismbot: I apologise for nothing!

Bender: We pollute too much. We're destroying the world and killing the turtles.

Preacherbot: To hell with the turtles!

Bender: No one insults the turtles!

[He punches Preacherbot.]

Preacherbot: Oh, mercy!

[He pulls out a knife and he and Bender fight.]

Bender: Come on!

Hedonismbot: Let the games begin!

[It chuckles. The Planet Express ship flies in and lands. Fry and Leela carry Farnsworth out and stand him in front of the microphone on the stage. He pants.]

Farnsworth: Everyone, listen!

[The robots stop fighting. Bender punches Preacherbot again and he falls over.]

Preacherbot: Aw, damn!

Farnsworth: I've devised a way to save you and stop global warming at the same time. Granted, you're all blasting out greenhouse gases--

Bender: [shouting] You're one to talk!

[Preacherbot hits him with a chair and he falls over onto his back. He tries to get up but can't.]

Farnsworth: But we can use those very gases to save the planet. If you all vent your exhaust directly upward in one burst, it should thrust the Earth further from the sun, thus cooling it. [The robots "Ooh".] By my calculations, we'll need the full force of every last robot. So, quickly, everyone point your exhaust vents straight upwards. [The robots turn their exhausts up.] Now vent! Vent like the wind! [The robots vent. A huge flame rises into the sky but nothing happens.] Harder! Harder!

Fry: Why isn't this working?!

Leela: Some lazy or polite robot is holding it in.

[Bender is still on his back, unable to vent. He kicks his legs.]

Bender: Help! Help!

[Cut to: Nixon's Helicopter. Wernstrom turns the mirror towards the robots.]
[Cut to: Galapagos Islands. The robots continue to vent.]

Farnsworth: A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one!

[Bender and the turtle are still on their backs.]

Bender: I'm sorry, buddy. At least we'll die on our backs, helpless. [The turtle starts to rock from side to side.] Huh? What the hell are you doing? [It rocks onto it's feet and walks away.] Hey, you trying to make me look bad? [He rocks on his back, working his body with his arms and manages to get up.] Aha! I'm even greater than I thought I was! And now to fulfill my destiny.

[He stands on his hands and vents. The flame expands.]
[Cut to: Nixon's Helicopter. The Earth begins to move.]

Nixon: Fire! [Wernstrom presses a button but the pulse misses.] What the--?

Wernstrom: We missed!

[Agnew growls.]
[Scene: Galapagos Islands. The skies have cleared and the Planet Express staff stand on the stage with Nixon.]

Nixon: Professor, for saving the Earth and foiling me, I proudly, yet angrily, present you with Earth's new highest honour: The Polluting Medal of Pollution.

[He hangs the medal around Farnsworth's neck. The industrial chimneys on the medal blow smoke in Farnsworth's face, making him cough.]

Farnsworth: Thank you. I deserve this!

[The robots cheer.]

Bender: Hey, Professor, now that the Earth's orbit is further from the sun, won't that make the year longer?

Farnsworth: Why, yes! One week longer to be exact.

Nixon: In that case I hereby declare it Robot Party Week!

Bender: Alright, baby!

[The robots cheer and dance to Buster Poindexter and his Banshees Of Blue's Hot Hot Hot. They vent, making the staff cough.]
[Closing Credits.]