Transcript:Where No Fan Has Gone Before

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Transcript for
Where No Fan Has Gone Before
Written byDavid A. Goodman
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Where No Fan Has Gone Before.]
[Scene: In the establishing shot, Star Trek-like music plays and the Planet Express ship flies through space with the trademark warp nacelles featured in Star Trek attached to it.]

Shatner: [voice-over] Shatner's log, airdate ... unknown.

[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. The room has been converted to resemble a courtroom. Zapp Brannigan is judge and Bender and Leela sit with the heads in jars of William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, George Takei, Walter Koenig, DeForest Kelley and Nichelle Nichols.]

Shatner: The impossible has happened. It would take days to recount the events I have witnessed. So, settle in. It all began--

Zapp: Quiet, you! This court martial is now in session. The honourably sexy Zapp Brannigan residing. Bring in the accused.

[Kif wheels in Fry in the wheelchair used by Captain Pike in the Star Trek episode The Menagerie. Fry looks paralysed. The heads gasp.]

Takei: Oh, my!

Zapp: Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of travelling to the forbidden planet, Omega 3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent death sentences. Do you understand the charges?

[Kif leans over Fry's shoulder.]

Kif: One beep for "yes", two beeps for "no".

[Fry beeps once.]

Zapp: "Yes". So noted. Do you plead guilty? [Fry beeps twice.] Double "yes". Guilty! I will now carry out the punishment. Kif, my gun.

Leela: Wait! He pled "not guilty".

Zapp: Order! [He taps a bell.] Order in the court! Very well then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that led you to be guilty.

[Fry beeps in Morse code.]
[Flashback. "A Few Days Earlier".]
[Scene: Rent-A-Wreck Video. Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg look at the videos on the shelves.]

Leela: The Professor said he was taking a brief nap, so we only have time for six movies.

[Bender scoops up some videos.]

Bender: Let's take these six Jim Carrey movies and record over them.

Fry: You know what movies average out to be really good? The first six Star Trek movies!

[The staff gasp, a camera zooms in on Fry and other customers panic.]

Clerk: [shouting] Everybody hit the deck!

[Everybody falls to the floor.]

Leela: [whispering] Sh! Those words are forbidden!

Fry: What words? Star Trek?

[A klaxon goes off and a red light flashes.]

Leela: Sh!

Zoidberg: Shut your gills!

[A siren is heard from outside.]

Bender: That sound! It's patrol car 718! Hide him!

[Leela and Zoidberg grab Fry and stuff him in Bender's chest cabinet.]
[Cut to: Outside Rent-A-Wreck Video. Leela, Bender and Zoidberg leave as Smitty and URL pull up and run into the shop without noticing them.]
[Flashback ends.]
[Fade to: Ships Cargo Bay. Fry continues to beep.]

Zapp: The court is intrigued. Perhaps we could hear more about these forbidden words from someone with a sexily seductive voice.

[Nichols tries to speak but is interrupted.]

Takei: With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars.

Zapp: You mean the vast migration of Star Wars fans?

Nichols: No, that was the Star Wars trek. [Some mechanical hands come out of her jar, pick up a video tape and put it in the VCR.] By the 23rd century, Star Trek fandom had evolved from a loose association of nerds with skin problems into a full-blown religion.

[On the screen, a service is held at the Church of Trek.]

Priest: [on TV] And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship where they would be no Tribble at all.

Congregation: [chanting; on TV] All power to the engines.

Nichols: As country after country fell under its influence, world leaders became threatened by the movements power. [In Berlin a sign is unveiled saying "Welcome To Nazi Planet Episode Land. Formerly Germany".] And so the Trekkies were executed in the manner most befitting virgins.

[On the rim of a volcano two men throw Trekkies into the flames.]

Man: [on TV] He's dead, Jim! [They throw another in.] He's dead, Jim! [Another.] He's dead, Jim!

Nichols: Finally, the sacred texts were banned.

[The episodes are put inside a torpedo casing.]

Takei: The last copies of the 79 episodes and six movies were dumped on the forbidden world, Omega 3, along with that blooper reel where the door doesn't close all the way.

[As he speaks, a ship that looks like an Eagle from Space: 1999 fires the torpedo. It hits the planet like Spock's coffin in Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan. The video ends.]

Nimoy: Thus, Star Trek was forever scoured from human memory.

Bender: Another classic science-fiction show cancelled before its time.

[Zapp tuts.]

Zapp: I've never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about. Next witness.

Kif: Bender the robot, please take the stand.

[Fry steps out of the wheelchair, perfectly healthy.]

Fry: She's all yours, buddy!

[Bender gets in.]

Bender: I'd only met the defendant, Fry, once, but I knew he was up to no good.

Zapp: Please use the beeps.

[Bender grumbles and complies.]
[Fade to: Head Museum. Fry runs into the 20th century room.]

Fry: Mr. Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago. I can't believe your show was banned.

Nimoy: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

[A camera tracks Fry but he ignores it.]

Fry: You know. 1966? 79 episodes, about 30 good ones.

Nimoy: Oh, really, I've done too many things to remember one particular TV series. But if-if you want to discuss my books of poetry--

Fry: Come on! Remember that episode where you got high on spores and smacked Kirk around?

Nimoy: No. Perhaps you're thinking of my one man show about Vincent van Spock-- Uh, uh, I mean van Gogh! Damn!

Fry: Aha! You can't escape it!

Nimoy: [crying] Oh, you're right, I can't.

Fry: Uh, jeez, don't get upset. I mean, OK, I outwitted you, but--

Nimoy: [crying] No, it's my fellow cast members. 300 years ago they left Earth behind.

[Flashback ... again. On a launch pad, Star Trek cast members' heads in jars are loaded into a rocket.]

Shatner: This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard.

Nimoy: Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend. But I just signed a six-month lease on my apartment. I can't walk away from a commitment like that.

Shatner: Very well, my friend.

[His jar is loaded into the rocket and it blasts off, leaving Nimoy behind.]
[Flashback ends. Nimoy sobs.]

Nimoy: [crying] Why did the world turn it's back on our obvious greatness?

Fry: I'm literally angry with rage! Your co-stars may be gone but we can still get those episode tapes back for the whole world to see. Come on!

Nimoy: Oh!

[He grabs Nimoy's jar from the shelf, tucks it under his arm and runs out. Jonathan Frakes's jar hops forward.]

Frakes: Yes! Front row!

[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship is in the hangar and Fry starts to power it up.]

Leela: You can't go to Omega 3; it's forbidden! I forbid you!

Fry: But we have to! The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.

Leela: But it's set 800 years in the past!

Bender: Yeah, why is this so important to you?

Fry: 'Cause it-it taught me so much. Like how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female. But most importantly, when I didn't have any friends, it made me feel like maybe I did.

Leela: Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I guess I can't let you go alone.

Bender: I'll go too, with Leonard's permission, of course.

[Nimoy nods.]
[Scene: The ship flies into a solar system.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Leela: We're entering the Omega system.

[An alarm goes off.]

Computer Voice: Warning: You are now in forbidden space.

Bender: Forbidden shmer-shmidden! What are they gonna do, write a letter? [sarcastic] Ooh, I'm so scared!

[The ship shakes and another alarms goes off.]

Leela: I've lost control of the ship!

[Bender panics.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship hits the surface, flips over and lands upside-down. The crew get out, Fry carrying Nimoy. Bender lights a cigar and Leela gasps.]

Fry: Oh, dip!

Nimoy: Dip, indeed!

[They look around in amazement. There are Star Trek props and sets everywhere.]

Fry: It's all stuff from that forbidden show.

Nimoy: So many cardboard sets, so many memories. If only the others--

Shatner: I guess that's my cue.

[He steps out of the "Guardian of Forever" prop with a body and wearing a yellow Star Trek uniform.]

Nimoy: Bill!

Shatner: L-Dog!

Nimoy: [laughing] Hey! This is wonderful!

Shatner: Oh, man.

Nimoy: I feel like hugging you.

Shatner: Well I would except you have no body! [Nimoy laughs.] And we're both men.

[Nichelle Nichols steps out, also with a body. She is followed by the other actors.]

Nimoy: Nichelle! George! Walter! DeForest! [A token redshirt steps out.] Welshie!

Fry: Welshie?

Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 2200's but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodelling.

Takei: Ever since then, Welshie has been a welcome participant in our escapades.

[Welshie says something in Welsh.]

Fry: I can't believe it! How'd you all end up here?

Shatner: We were on our way to Welshie's cousin's house to stay in the guest room when our ship was pulled down to this planet and crashed, just like yours.

Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.

Fry: Say it in Russian!

[Koenig sighs.]

Koenig: Ven vee voke up vee had these wodies.

[Fry squeals.]

Fry: Now say "nuclear wessels"!

Koenig: No!

Takei: You'll love it here. Everything is provided for us, and we never age. Check out these abs!

[He rips his shirt revealing his body.]

Bender: Yowza!

Leela: But who's doing all this for you?

Shatner: You know, we never thought about it. We're famous celebrities -- we're used to this sort of treatment.

[A deep, booming voice interrupts them.]

Melllvar: It is I!

[Everyone gasps and looks up. Above them is a hovering, green cloud.]

Bender: Whoa! What a cheesy effect!

Melllvar: I am not an effect! You doubt my power?

Bender: I do.

[Melllvar zaps Welshie with a bolt of lightning and he falls over.]

Welshie: [shouting] Aye!

[Fry runs to him and holds him.]

Fry: [screaming] Welshie!

[Flashback ends.]
[Scene: Ships Cargo Bay.]

Zapp: This court will now hear some very sensual testimony from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela.

[Leela is already in the wheelchair.]

Leela: Go [beep] yourself.

[She beeps.]
[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface. The flashback continues from earlier.]

Melllvar: Behold another power, different from the one you saw earlier.

[Melllvar floats over Nimoy's jar and gives him a body and a blue uniform.]

Nimoy: Hey, a body! Buff, tan. Yeah, this is mine, alright!

Fry: Alright, you gas, what's the deal?

Melllvar: Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Enterprise crew rained down upon my planet. Over and over, I watched them. Especially the five with the energy beings. I am Melllvar! Seer of the tapes, knower of the episodes! Tremble before my encyclopaedic knowledge of Star Trek!

Fry: Tremble? I laugh. Nobody knows more about Star Trek than me!

Melllvar: I beg to differ. [He zaps Welshie some more.] Long have I waited for the one who played Spock. At last, we can begin.

[A banner reading "Welcome To Trekfest 3002" appears behind him, hanging from a prop.]

Fry: Cool! A Star Trek convention!

Nimoy: Uh, Melllvar, can you give us some idea of how long this is going to last?

Melllvar: Until time stops.

Leela: What?

Shatner: He can't do this!

Nimoy: You can't be serious!

Melllvar: Now, we have a full schedule of events--

Bender: Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave?

Koenig: Good question!

Melllvar: No, you have to stay even longer.

[Bender and Koenig groan.]
[Time Lapse. The actors sit at a long table for autographs. Nimoy snores. Melllvar gets Takei's autograph and Fry stands behind him, nervous.]

Melllvar: Um, uh, sign it to Melllvar. "Melllvar" has three "L's".

Takei: I think I've done enough conventions to know how to spell "Melllvar".

[Time Lapse. The cast and Melllvar stand in front of a backdrop having their photo taken by Bender.]

Bender: Say "nerd"!

All: Nerd!

[Time Lapse. Shatner is on stage and spoken-words Eminem's The Real Slim Shady.]

Shatner: [spoken-word] I'm Slim Shady,
Yes, I'm the real Shady,
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating,
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,
Please stand up,
Please stand up.

Koenig: How can you do a spoken-word version of a rap song?

Melllvar: He found a way.

[Time Lapse. Fry and Melllvar play "Ambassador Sarek's Trivia Challenge" with Leela as question master. Fry has 500 points and Melllvar has 300.]

Leela: For one hundred quatloos: Who did the captain maroon on Ceti Alpha V?

[Shatner leaps up.]

Shatner: [shouting] Khaaan!

[Fry buzzes.]

Fry: Uh ... Khan?

Leela: Correct.

[Fry's score goes up to 600.]

Melllvar: My button has broken. The trivia contest has ended. I-I now have a surprise. You will perform a fan script, written by the ultimate Trek fan.

Fry: You have my fan script?

Melllvar: I meant me! Melllvar is the ultimate fan!

Fry: [smug] Oh, I was confused because the scoreboard says something different.

[Melllvar growls.]

Melllvar: Trivia contest over! Take your scripts! [The actors run to a pile of scripts.] We have limited rehearsal time. Now, I didn't make enough copies of the script, so George and Walter will have to share.

[Takei reluctantly shares.]

Leela: Uh, you probably don't want us to see you rehearsing, or it'll give away the ending.

Melllvar: That's right! The ending must not be ruined.

Leela: We'll go wait in the ship.

Melllvar: OK.

Fry: Not till I get my 600 quatloos!

[Leela and Bender grab Fry and pull him away.]
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet.]

Fry: This is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned them there.

Bender: I dunno, I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Leela: I didn't wanna leave them either, Fry, but what are we supposed to do?

Fry: Well, usually on the show someone would come up with a complicated plan then explain it with a simple analogy.

Leela: Hmm. If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons and reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure.

Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon!

Fry: Of course! It's so simple!

[Scene: The ship turns around and heads back to the planet.]
[Scene: Omega 3 Surface. The cast are on the set of the Enterprise bridge rehearsing with their scripts.]

Shatner: [reading] Alas, my ship, whom I love like a woman, is ... disabled. [He slumps back in his chair and rolls his head.] Oh, Lord!

Nimoy: [reading] Fascinating, Captain, and logical too, that we need some help.

Takei: [reading] Look, Captain, Melllvar will help us.

[He turns around and points to the door. It eventually opens and Melllvar floats through.]

Koenig: [reading] Keptin, I wope he will welp our ... vessel.

Melllvar: Wessel! [Koenig shudders.] You're not acting hard enough!

Nimoy: Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.

Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V I got a magnificent performance out of me, because I respected me so much!

[The other actors roll their eyes.]
[Scene: Ships Jeffries Tube. Bender welds something in the Planet Express ships equivalent to Scotty's tube.]

Bender: [shouting] OK! I'm done re-kafoobling the energy motron ... or whatever.

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Leela: Fire!

[She pauses then presses the "FIRE!" button on the control panel herself.]
[Scene: Orange phaser beams diverge from the ship.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The fan script performance continues.]

Nichols: [reading] My, what a handsome energy creature you are. I love you. [The orange beams converge on Melllvar and he screams.] Hey, you wrote it!

[Melllvar grows and the actors step backwards.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship shakes. Fry gets the obligatory console exploding in his face like in Star Trek. Smoke comes out of machinery and sparks fly.]

Leela: It's not working! He's drawing straight from our weapons.

Fry: Like a balloon and ... something bad happens.

[Scene: Melllvar turns into a giant, green hand à la Apollo in the Star Trek episode Who Mourns For Adonis?.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela scream.]
[Scene: The ship backs away but the hand grabs and pulls it back down to the planet.]
[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship crashes and the engine falls off. The crew crawl out from underneath.]

Bender: Yup!

[Melllvar and the Star Trek actors are nearby.]

Leela: So, uh, how's rehearsal going?

Melllvar: Lousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch of actors while you, a crew of genuine space heroes, risked your lives to save them.

Nimoy: Hey! We've done heroic things too.

Nichols: Yeah! In the third season I kissed Shatner!

Melllvar: Silence! My whole world has turned upside-down. I have but one option.

Koenig: Keep them and let us go?

Melllvar: No! To determine who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion I shall pit you together against each other in armed combat ... to the death!

[Everyone gasps.]

Bender: Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that?

Melllvar: Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77.

Fry: Great list. Except, you forgot episode 66!

[He chuckles.]

Melllvar: I was getting to that one!

[He zaps Welshie's corpse and it explodes.]
[Flashback ends.]
[Scene: Ships Cargo Bay.]

Zapp: So Melllvar ordered a battle to the death. I assume no one survived.

[Leela sighs.]

Leela: Can we get on with this? My foot's getting tired!

[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface.]

Melllvar: This will be your standard battle to the death. The only weapons: Whatever you can find. But I warn you, do nothing until I have signalled the start of combat. OK, start.

[The Star Trek cast and Planet Express crew run off in different directions.]
[Time Lapse. The actors hide behind a covered wagon on a Western set. A tumbleweed blows by. Shatner rips his shirt.]

Koenig: I don't have much experience at fighting -- except with you guys.

Shatner: I have an idea. Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?

Nimoy: You mean Doohan?

[They both laugh and high-five.]

Shatner: Whoever it was, I did it like this.

[He takes a boot off and throws it at Takei's face.]

Takei: Ow!

[Shatner hops.]

Shatner: My foot's cold!

[By the "Guardian of Forever" prop, Leela drops a pile of sticks next to Fry.]

Leela: There. We can make these into spears.

Fry: And we can tie these caterpillars together to make bow strings for bows and arrows.

Bender: And we can use this machine gun to shoot them! Yee-haw! [He pulls out a Tommy gun from behind a rock and expends the entire round. Fry and Leela glare at him and he chuckles.] That was fun!

[On a rock-face, the actors separate. Shatner, Nichols and Takei remain. Shatner holds a bamboo stick.]

Nichols: What if I distract them with my famous fan dance?

Shatner: Oh, that's good, good, good, good. And then, George, you give them a karate chop!

Takei: I find that offensive. Just because I'm of Japanese ancestry you assume I know karate. Have I ever led you to believe I've studied karate?

Shatner: Well, no, but you never talk about yourself.

Takei: [sad] Maybe if you showed a little interest.

[Elsewhere, Fry tries out his bow and arrow.]

Fry: Well, here goes nothing.

[He tries to fire the arrow but the bow breaks and the caterpillars crawl all over his face. He falls over. Nichols appears from behind some rocks and does the fan dance.]

Nichols: [sexfully] Hello, boys!

[She dances. Bender zooms in.]

Bender: Whoa!

[Takei sneaks up behind him and chops him on the shoulder.]

Takei: Hi-yah!

[Bender screams. On a cliff, Leela and Shatner edge their way around a rock, facing opposite directions. They bump into each other and turn around. Leela screams and Shatner gasps.]

Shatner: There's no right way to hit a woman.

Leela: Then do it the wrong way.

Shatner: Fine. Yah!

[He kicks her and knocks her down. She gets back up.]

Leela: Is that all you've got? Hi-yah!

[She does a roundhouse on him and hits him in the eye. He groans and raises his fists, ready to hit her.]

Shatner: See you in h--

[Leela hits him in the face. He hits back and she dodges his punch and kicks him in the chest. He flies back and hits the ground. She jumps on him and repeatedly hits him in the face. Fry fights DeForest Kelley while Bender takes on Nimoy, Koenig and Takei.]

Bender: Come on, Walter!

Nimoy: Take that!

[He hits Bender with a stick. Fry pushes Kelley away and Nichols cartwheels onto him, yelling. She locks his head between her thighs and pulls his hair.]

Fry: It hurts!

Nimoy: Let's see if this actually works! [He tries to do the Vulcan neck pinch on Bender but it doesn't work.] Hm. [Bender punches him, grabs his legs and swings him around, whacking the others in the face.] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Koenig: My face!

Takei: Ow! My face too!

[Shatner and Leela are both down. Shatner gets up and offers her his hand.]

Shatner: May I? [Leela grabs him and throws him over her head.] Oh!

[She picks up a rock and holds it over him.]

Melllvar: Excellent! Excellent!

[Shatner holds out his hand.]

Shatner: Leela, please. This is exactly what Melllvar wants. We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers. Can't we resolve our differences some other way?

[A bigger pink energy cloud wearing ugly glasses appears next to Melllvar.]

Melllvar's Mother: Melllvar! Dinner time!

Melllvar: Aw, but Mom, I'm playing with my collectables!

Melllvar's Mother: Now!

[Melllvar groans and disappears.]

Fry: All this time we thought he was a powerful super-being, yet he was just a child.

Melllvar's Mother: He's not a child, he's 34!

[She disappears.]

Bender: Alright, Koenig, I've wanted to do this for years!

[He grabs him by his shirt and holds up his fist. Fry grabs his arm.]

Fry: Bender, wait! This is our chance to escape, before Melllvar comes back. But we all need to work together.

[Time Lapse. They run onto the cliff and find Leela and Shatner making out. Shatner rubs Leela's back.]

Shatner: I love you so much!

[Nimoy clears his throat.]

Nimoy: Hello?

[They both look up.]

Fry: We've decided to work together.

Nimoy: Uh, so did they.

[Shatner gets up and elbows Nimoy.]

Shatner: Now, how do we escape?

Leela: We can't use our ship; we have life support but the engines are wrecked.

Takei: Ironic, because our engines work but our life support systems don't.

Leela: Hey, if your engines work--

Takei: And your life support systems work--

Fry: Stop! You're just goin' around in circles! [to himself] Think, Fry, think! Everyone's depending on you.

[Time Lapse. Takei and Leela finish welding warp nacelles onto the hull of the Planet Express ship.]
[Time Lapse. The ship takes off but stalls and falls.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Leela: We're too heavy. You guys need to lose some weight, fast!

[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The side door of the ship opens and the decapitated bodies of the Star Trek cast are thrown out.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The actors heads are in jars. Fry wheels in the video case.]

Fry: Look, Leonard, we're light enough to keep the tapes! Isn't that great?

Nimoy: I'm living in a gefilte fish jar.

[Scene: The ship flies away from the planet.]

Fry: We did it!

[Everyone cheers.]
[Scene: Behind the ship, another ship de-cloaks. There is the sound of Melllvar laughing and the ship shoots at the Planet Express ship.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Fry: Melllvar's got a spaceship!

Melllvar: [on screen] Yes, in mint condition. And you made me take it out of the package!

[Scene: He shoots at them some more. The ship approaches a familiar ship.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Leela: The Nimbus! We're saved!

[A screen comes down from above Leela's head.]

Zapp: [on screen] You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded.

[Flashback ends.]
[Scene: Ships Cargo Bay.]

Zapp: So I boarded you, eh? What happened next?

Leela: You started this stupid court martial. Now if you don't mind, we're still fighting Melllvar!

[Scene: Melllvar strafes the ship.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone runs in.]
[Scene: Leela turns the ship around, back the way they came. Melllvar follows, shooting more.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone falls over.]

Leela: One more hit and we're done for!

Takei: Let's take 'em out with us. Do you guys have a self-destruct code? Like "destruct sequence 1-A, 2-B, 3--"

[Bender's head explodes, leaving some wires, coils and his mouth poking out of his body.]

Bender: Thanks a lot, Takei, now everybody knows!

Melllvar: [on screen] If I can't have the original cast of Star Trek, no one will! Prepare to die!

Fry: Wait! If they mean that much to you, why do you wanna kill them?

Melllvar: [on screen] Because I ... I ... I dunno what I'd do without them.

Fry: Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life. You can do anything you want. Look at Walter Koenig: After Star Trek, he became an actor.

Koenig: Not just an actor, but a well-rounded person, with my own friends and credit cards and keys.

Melllvar: [on screen] Well, I guess I could move out of my parents' basement ... maybe get a temp job.

Fry: Whoa, whoa! One step at a time.

Melllvar: [on screen] I thank you, Fry. You know, you and I are of a kind. In a different reality I could have called you "friend".

Fry: Episode 10, Balance of Terror.

Melllvar: [on screen] More like episode nine, loser! In your face! Victory is mine!

[Scene: He turns his ship around and flies away, laughing.]
[Cut to: Ships Cokpit. Everyone watches him return to the planet]

Shatner: I wonder, my friends, was he really such an evil energy gas?

Nichols: He did give us eternal youth.

Koenig: 24-hour Laundromat.

Takei: A full assortment of rum, both spiced and regular.

Nimoy: Truly, it was a paradise.

Fry: And all you had to put up with was one really annoying Star Trek fan.

[The heads catch on.]

Shatner: Let's get the hell outta here!

[Scene: The ship flies away like at the end of every Star Trek episode.]
[Closing Credits. A pseudo-Star Trek theme plays over stills from the episode. An additional shot of Kif comes up, parodying the shot from the Star Trek episode The Corbomite Manoeuvre.]