Transcript:The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 2

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Transcript for
The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 2
Written byEric Kaplan and David X. Cohen
Transcribed byMini-Me and Jasonbres

[Opening Credits. Caption: It Makes a Nice Sandwich]
[Scene: "Our Motherboard of Mercy Robot Hospital." An ambulance pulls into the emergency entrance. Cut to Bender laying in a bed with the crew standing in the room. A nurse hooks Bender up to an I.V. of Olde Fortran Malt Liquor.]

Bender: I can't remember anything except a blinding light and a searing ass pain. I better check my black box. BENDER: "The light! It's blinding! And the ass pain! It's searing!" So that's what happened.

Amy: Hey, Bender! Look who's here to cheer you up.

Bender: I don't need cheering up. I'm perfectly...

Calculon (entering the room): Greetings, sick fan.

Bender: (Gasps) TV's Calculon! (He coughs)

Calculon: [Paparazzi's take pictures of Calculon through the open door. He walks over to Bender's side and knees down.] You poor, mangled husk of what was once a robot! What right hath fate to pluck a sweet, dimple-cheeked mechanism in the flower of his youth? And... Scene! There, that was some free acting for you. [He walks toward the door.] Ordinarily, to see acting like that, you'd have to sit through a tampon commercial.

[Scene: Colleen's Apartment. The building drops into the ground and people scream. The doors open and Fry is leaving with only his suitcase.]

Colleen (sobbing): Where did we go wrong, Fry? We were meant to be together!

[Schlomo steps out of a door behind Colleen with only a towel around his waist.]

Schlomo: Nu, I'm freezing my tokhes off here.

Colleen (happily): Just a sec, honey!

[Fry sighs and walks away.]
[Establishing shot of Planet Express.]
[Scene: The Conference Room.] Bender rolls into the room with his wheelchair wheels attached.]

Bender: I'm back, idiots! [They all cheer.]

Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robut! I wish I could afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick. [He sneezes a green mucus all over the table in front of him.]

Bender: (laughs) I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon. [He removes his wheels and hangs them on the coat rack.] His visit really inspired me. [He walks over to the Conference Table.] I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

Hermes: You want to co-star in his TV show? Like that time you already did that?

Bender: No. I'm gonna be a stalker!

Leela: That's not really a career. More of a felony.

Bender: Man, I'm gonna stalk his brains out. [He types on the keyboard in front of Farnsworth.] Ooh! Big news on the Calculon fan site! There's a flash mob headed for his plastic surgeon's office!

[Scene: The Plastic Surgeon is struggling to tighten something below the frame using a ratchet. Pull back to reveal Calculon sitting in a chair.]

Plastic Surgeon: There, that's as big as I can make it. But I caution you, it looks completely unrealistic.

["Crotch POV Shot"]

Calculon: You let me worry about that! Just do your job.

[The door slams open with Bender and other clamouring photographers snapping pictures of Calculon's pride.] Dear God, no!

Bender: Neat! [He takes a photo.]

Man: Get a shot of that.

Fatbot (standing outside "Robot Plastic Surgery"): Oh boy, oh boy, he's here. [A crowd is flooding in the doors.]

Crazed Fan: Calculon, I love you! Have my baby!

Calculon: Back, you lunatic! [He pushes her face and she falls over.]

Crazed Fan: He touched me!

Bender: Sign my ass! [He pulls out his ass plate and a pen as Calculon dashes off with a blanket. Surrounded by the mob, be grabs the surgeon and hurls him at the crowd. Crashes are heard. Bender groans.]

[Scene: Establishing shot of Planet Express shows the Smell-o-Scope moving around.]

Farnsworth (sniffing)(VO): Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the Calamitorium! [Leela, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg rush in. Zoidberg is whooping.] Leela, smell this.

Leela: Can I wipe it off first?

Farnsworth: No time, woman! No time!

[She plunges onto the nostril spouts and a "shlurp" noise is heard.]

Leela (sniffing): Hmm. Smells like angel dust. [She pulls off the spouts and a "pop" is heard.]

Farnsworth: Exactly! That's a discontinuous electromagnetic field. Wernstrom tried to warn me, but I was too damn stubborn! Hermes, get Wernstrom on the line so I can apologize.

[Hermes walks over to a large screen and keyboard and types in a number with a touchtone phone. The screen shows static and then Wernstrom is shown.]

Wernstrom: Ogden Wernstrom speaking.

Farnsworth (whispering): Tell him I'm not here!

Leela: Professor!

Farnsworth: Oh, very well. Wernstrom, I've been a vainglorious fool! If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, your tiny little heart, would you consider a scientific collaboration?

Wernstrom: Sir, I'd be honored. [He stands up from his chair to reveal he is wearing a purple thong.]

[some time later. Wernstrom presses a button on a machine and a mini-anomaly is created. ]

Wernstrom: As I attempted to warn you, the laws of electromagnetism change abruptly at the anomaly. [He pulls a Pocket Pal out of his lab coat.] Observe.

Pocket Pal: Play time is fun time.

Wernstrom (while hurling the robot into the anomaly): Not this time.

Farnsworth: My heavens! If only I'd heeded your warning, I'd have known it was impossible to cross the barrier!

Wernstrom (while opening a barrel labelled "Lab Animals"): But note what happens when I instead throw this laboratory koala. [The Koala gnaws on his sleeve. he tosses the animal into the anomaly, but it passes through unscathed and flies out the window.]

Farnsworth: It passed through unharmed. [A thud is heard.] So living beings can enter the other universe, but electrical devices can't?

Wernstrom: My hypothesis exactly.

Farnsworth: Then we must mount a second expedition without delay. Right after we blow up more robots.

Wernstrom: Agreed.

[They both giddily throw robots into the anomaly and watch them explode like fire crackers.

Farnsworth: Play time is fun time.

[Scene: Calculon is in pajamas, yawns, lays down in his bed and shuts his eyes. He immediately opens them and turns to find Bender smoking a cigar while laying next to him.

Calculon: Who are you?

Bender: Bender, your biggest fan.

Calculon: Are you going to murder me?

Bender: Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends. This diorama proves it, see? [He pulls a crudely constructed piece of himself and Calculon playing Ping Pong.]

Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker.

Bender: You shan't be disappointed. Pleasant dreams. [Calculon turns the lights off and his eyes close, but Bender's do not. Instead they extend out towards Calculon's eyes. Calculon opens his eyes and looks at Bender's as they quickly move even closer to his own.

[Scene: The White House. A Stegosaurus is eating the grass on the front lawn. Farnsworth and Wernstrom speak to Nixon in the Oval Office.]

Farnsworth: Now that I've teamed up with my friend, Dr. (spiteful tone) Wernstrom, (normal tone) I feel certain we can successfully penetrate the other universe.

Wernstrom: It's the greatest scientific opportunity since you yourself sent men to the moon in 1969.

Nixon: I always regretted that. Nothing up there but dry rocks and those revolting onion men.

Farnsworth: But...

Nixon: You East Coast intellectuals had your chance. Now beat it! From here on in, this is a military matter.

[Scene: The Nimbus is docked at the South Street Spaceport. Nixon and Agnew's body stand on a podium with Kif and Zapp Brannigan.]

Nixon: People of the universe, please welcome Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan.

[People cheering.]

Zapp: Thank you, thank you. Well deserved. (To Kif) Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller. [Kif steps into the hole and sighs.] (To crowd) Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.

[People cheering. A pan across the crowd shows Farnsworth and Wernstrom booing.]

Wernstrom: Give science a chance!

Farnsworth: Less invasions, more equations!

Nixon: Damn long-hairs. Knock some sense into them, Chief O'Hallahan.

Colleen: Yes, sir! [She blows a whistle as Smitty, URL and herself run toward the two protestors. The three begin clonking Wernstrom and Farnsworth on the head with night sticks that resemble light sabres. Cut to Fry watching Colleen beat Wernstrom in slow motion. Her helmet falls off and her long hair flies around her head as she goes in for another hit. And another. Cut back to Fry with Leela in a crowd.]

Fry (sobbing): I can't take it, Leela. I need to go away. Far away, forever.

Leela: Aw, I know how you feel, Fry. There are times when I also feel like you need to go away.

[The ship is prepped for departure as vehicles and tubes pull away from it's vicinity. People start cheering. Zapp stands on a boarding bridge and waves to the crowd as Amy talks to Kif.]

Amy: Be careful, my little, teeny, greeny weenie.

Zapp (grabbing/covering his groin): That's just a fungal infection... Oh, she's talking to you, Kif.

Kif: Goodbye, my love. [He is pulled away as the ground he stands on move them onto the ship. The engines start up and the Nimbus departs with an escort of heli/hover-copters.]

Bender (to Calculon): Wow, how come humans get to do all the fun stuff? This is exactly the sort of thing that ought to be handled by (whispering) The League of Robots.

Calculon: (He laughs.) That's adorable, Bender. You actually believe in the League of Robots?

Bender: You mean, there's really no such thing? Then who's there to mete out justice when an outdated robot is melted into belt buckles? Who's there to defend our honour when a rude human brings a blush to a robo-virgin's cheek?

Calculon: No one.

Bender: Oh.

[Zoom into a close-up of Bender's face to see a tear run down his cheek. Cut to Amy standing alone, watching the Nimbus leave for space. She turns around to face the screen and a tear runs down her cheek. Cut to Farnsworth, still being beaten by the three officers. A tear runs down his cheek. Cut to a shot of the Nimbus flying with its escort, zoom into a window labelled "Stowaway Hatch 35: Unauthorized Access Only" to reveal Fry standing in it. He looks back to face Earth and a tear runs down his cheek.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express with the anomaly lighting the night sky behind it.]
[Scene: Bender is writing a note with a feather pen on a desk in the Hangar. A candle lights his paper.]

Bender (VO): Now that I know robots are worthless, with no League of Robots to protect us from the fleshy menace known as man, I have resolved to kill myself. In lieu of flowers, please beat yourselves in the face with rusty chains. Your friend, Bender.

[He gets up and walks out of the building. On his way out, he pins his note on something. Pull back to reveal it is Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Ow.

[Scene: Bender on the street. He walks into a Suicide Booth. He pulls out his quarter on a string and gets a free death.

Suicide Booth: Please select mode of death.

Bender: Clumsy bludgeoning, please.

Suicide Booth: You have selected clumsy bludgeoning. For an additional $10, would you like your eyes scooped out with a melon-baller?

Bender: What the heck, I'll treat myself.

[Cut to the Nimbus approaching the anomaly. It brakes quite a ways in front of it. Pan to its belly. A door labelled "Lint Trap" opens and Fry is released into space with the lint. He uses his suit rockets to move toward the anomaly. Interior shot of the Nimbus.]

Zapp: Enemy in range. Prepare to launch universe-to-universe missile.

Kif: Preparing to launch U.U.M. [He grabs a small hammer hanging on the wall and breaks the glass protecting a larger hammer hanging on the wall. He grabs the larger hammer and smashes the glass protecting a large red button. He presses the button and a missile is loaded for fire in the bridge. Alarms are blaring.]

Zapp: Hell of a thing to send a universe to certain doom. Fun, though. Makes a man feel big.

[Cut to the Suicide Booth. An "In Use" label flashes on top of it with a buzzer matching its speed. Interior shot.]

Bender (tapping his foot): Come on, come on, I didn't ask to die of boredom!

[The floor turns out to be a trap door and Bender falls down it and screams. Immediately after, a hammer swings down at him, but misses and two melon ballers rotate where eyes would be.]

Suicide Booth: You are now dead. Please take your receipt. [A receipt is printed out and it lands on a large pile of other receipts.]

[Cut to a black screen. Bender is heard crashing into things and groaning in pain. A final, large crash is heard.

Bender: What's... What's happening?

[A candle is lit. Many hooded robots surround Bender.]

Hooded Robot: Kneel before the candle.

Bender: Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone!

Hooded Robot: Bender Bending Rodriguez...

[Bender whimpers.]

Calculon: [He removes his hood.] Welcome to the League of Robots!

[Bender's mouth opens up as he heavily gasps. He inhales the flame on the candle and the screen is black. Cut to Fry approaching the anomaly. He is inches from it and a reflection of himself and the Nimbus is seen in it. Massive pull back to the perspective of the Nimbus. Fry is merely a dot. Interior shot of the bridge. The missile is loaded and the hatch closes.]

Zapp: Ready? [Kif positions his finger over the launch button.] And... Fi-... [Kif hesitates to push the button. Zapp laughs.] Almost fooled you there. [Kif sighs.] Fire! [Kif scrambles and presses the button. The missile tries to launch, but it is jammed. Alarms begin blaring.]

Francine: Missile jam. Missile jam.

Zapp: I heard you the first time, Francine.

Francine: Sorry.

Zapp: Kif, climb down there and un-jam it, would you? Be a dear. [Kif sighs.] And stop sighing so much. [Kif sighs again.]

[Cut back to Bender and his trials.]

Calculon: Tell us, Bender. Are you worthy of membership in the League?

Bender: Worthier than the average robot.

Calculon: Then prove it. [Two doors slide open to reveal a very long and large stairway lit by torches.] Upon each step is a test.

Bender: Okay, but if it's culturally biased, I'm suing your ass.

Calculon: Test number one. The test of the beer mug! [British Robot places a mug on the first step.]

British Robot: Quite right, quite so.

ALL: Drink the mug! Drink the mug!

Bender: I accept your challenge. [He downs the beer and tosses the mug aside.]

ALL: Hurray!

[Bender jumps up onto the first step and Hedonism Bot is waiting for him on the second with a flagon.]

Hedonism Bot: The test of the flagon!

ALL: Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon!

Bender: Are all the tests going to involve drinking?

Calculon: It never occurred to me before, but yes.

Bender: Wohoo! Just like med school! [He drinks from the flagon and the robots cheer.]

[Cut back to the Nimbus. Zapp is sitting in his chair, twiddling his thumbs.]

Zapp: Ready yet, Kif?

Kif (tinkering with the missile, legs hanging out of the missile bay): Just give me one more... [Zapp is already pressing FIRE repeatedly. Interior shot of the missile bay shows the missile begin to correctly launch and the hatch closes. In the process, Kif's arms became stuck in the missile and his legs became stuck in the hatch door.]

Kif: Oh, no. [The missile launches and Kif's legs stretch longer and longer as he moves with the missile toward the anomaly. He is constantly groaning.]

[Cut back to Bender. He has now passed many steps and is nearing the top of the stairs.]

Billionaire Bot: The test of the infinitely priceless 1,000-year-old brandy. [A eye dropper is used to extract a drop of the brandy from a crystal bottle and he drops it in a wine glass. Bender grabs the glass, sips the brandy, crushes the glass in his hands and grabs the bottle from Billionaire Bot. He drinks all of the brandy and throws the bottle into his mouth, then belches fire and ignites Billionaire Bot's hat. Calculon opens a steel door.]

Calculon: Presenting our newest member. [He moves aside to show Bender.]

[Many robots are cheering.]

Fender: That's right, baby!

Bender: Hot diggity daffodil!

[Cut to Fry moving closer to the anomaly. Cut to the missile crossing the screen and Kif's legs stretching longer. Cut back to Fry as he moves his hand through the anamoly.]

Fry: And so, to everyone and everything I've ever known, I say my last goodbye.

[Kif reaches the anomaly with the rocket, but the rocket turns off and it stops moving.]

Kif: Hello. So, how are you, Fry?

Fry: Pretty good. You?

Kif: [He is pulled back towards the ship by his elastic legs.] Well... Oh.

[Fry sadly moves his way through the anomaly. A shot of Kif's face as he is slung back to the Nimbus is shown. Interior shot of the bridge shows Zapp making a peanut butter and jam sandwich and Kif smashes through the closed hatch and towards the rear wall. A squish is heard and green goo lands all over the room, including on Zapp's sandwich. He however does not notice it as he reaches for the other slice of bread. A takes a bite and some green goo remains on his lips.]

Zapp: Mmm. Kif, get over here. You've got to try this! [He licks the goo off his lips with his tongue.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express.]
[Scene: Amy is being consoled by Leela and Hermes in the lounge. All are in black clothing and Hermes has a kilt on. A urn filled with green goo sits on the table.]

Amy (sobbing): At least Kiffy died quickly.

Hermes: Yes, but according to the Old Farmer's Wikipedia, the amazing thing about Kif's species is that the remains continue suffering for up to six hours after death.

Amy (sobbing): That's so interesting!

Bender: Don't ask where I was last night. For all you know, I was at home, perhaps baking a strudel. What's her problem? Somebody die or something?

Leela: Kif's dead, Bender.

Bender: Nailed it!

[Scene: Amphibios 9. Amy stands in front of a table that has Kif's uniform and urn sitting on it.]

Zapp: My condolences, Amy. Allow me to present you with the last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker. [He holds a framed picture in front of her face. Kif is splattered against a wall, rocket in his chest and one arm squished off.]

Mrs. Wong: We so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Kroker. Terrible shame about Froggy.

Mrs. Kroker: Thank you for your kind words.

Mr. Wong: [He sprays a breath mind into his mouth.] Yeah, yeah, real sad. Want some breath spray? Cinnamon flavour, taste like pie. [He sprays both Mr. and Mrs. Kroker once and both of them cough while flying hook worms drop to the ground.]

Bender: [He places a wreath of flowers on Kif's urn labelled "L.O.R."] This is from the league of you-don't-need-to-know.

[The Grand Midwife elevates out of the pool of green goo in front of the table Kif's clothes rest on. Amy, Zapp and Bender are startled. Bender yelps and pulls his head into his body.]

Grand Midwife: I am the grand funeral director!

Zoidberg: Do you validate parking?

Grand Midwife: It is always a terrible tragedy when a swarm outlives its own bulboid. [She grabs Kif's urn.] So it is with great sorrow that I now commit the goo that was once Kif to the petroleum of his ancestors. [She unscrews the jar and turns it over but the goo does not drop out. She shakes it multiple times.]

Leela: Whack the bottle!

[The Grand Midwife whacks the side of the bottle.]

Hermes: No, from the bottom ! It works better!

[She whacks it from the bottom of the bottle.]

Amy (sobbing): Just stick a butter knife in it!

Grand Midwife: [She removes the goo with a butter knife.] There, I got most of it. The burial is complete. I will now sing the sacred hymn. It's not part of the ceremony, just a little something that I wrote.

[She sings in an alien language.]

Bender (interrupting the song): Next!

[Cut to Leela talking with Amy while sitting down.]

Amy: It may sound strange, but seeing Kif's mutilated remains poured into the mud made me really sad.

Leela: Mutilation is never easy.

Amy (crying): I don't think I'll ever love again.

Leela: Oh, you don't mean that. Love can surprise you at any time in your life.

Zapp: Surprise! [He motions for a kiss with his lips, but Leela punches him in the face with both hands.]

[Scene: Fry is floating through the other universe. Bolts of lightening flash around him as he travels along.]

Fry: Whoa, it kind of takes your breath away. [His Oxygen Pack displays "OXYGEN SYSTEM FAILURE" on the screen accompanied by a beeping noise, but a bolt of lightening quickly blows out the screen.]

[Scene: Fulcrum County Prism. Farnsworth and Wernstrom are locked in a cell by lasers.]

URL: Look alive, death row. Your saggy asses got a visitor. [He turns off the laser bars.]

Farnsworth: Regular or conjugal?

URL: [He shrugs.] She looked like a freak to me.

[Leela is talking to Wernstrom and Farnsworth in the Visitors room.]

Leela: The guard operating the x-ray machine came down with a sudden case of broken neck, so I was able to bring you that delicious cake you wanted. [She pulls a pink, multi-level cake out from under the table, points to her eye and blinks.]

Farnsworth: I don't understand. Are you winking or blinking?

Leela: [She sighs and pulls out a pair of LED glasses that have two eyes on the front. She uses them to wink at the two jailers.] Hang on a second.

Farnsworth: Got it!

[Scene: Bender is walks into a Horse Repair shop.]

Bender: Ahh, yes, I'm here to repair my horse.

Shop Owner: Is the horse's name (whispers) Hot Beans?

Bender: No! I mean, yes.

[The owner pushes a button behind the counter and Bender falls into a trap door. Cut to Bender in the LOR headquarters sitting in front of a fireplace with the British Robot, Calculon, Hedonism Bot and Billionaire Bot.]

British Robot: So it seems a human had been rather injured by a knife, and as his... As his blood, you know, I think that's what they call it...

Calculon: Quite correct, sir. Blather on!

British Robot: As it drained away, he said... He said, Take me to a dock. No doubt he intended to say doctor, but he was unable to complete his thought, you see, being as he had died. So, taking him at his word, we dragged his corpse to the waterfront, whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.

[All of the robots laugh.]

Bender: Humans are dumb and they die easy!

Hedonism Bot: Quite!

Billionaire Bot: Speaking of humans, have I shown you my new monocle? [He holds out his monocle.] Cost me a king's ransom. Made from a king, don't you know!

Hedonism Bot: Oh, how repulsively decadent!

Billionaire Bot: Yes. But more importantly, it allows me to see the smiling faces of my children for the first time since I lost my vision in that horrible banking accident.

Bender: May I see that for a second? [He grabs it from Billionaire Bot and examines it while walking over to a table.] My, but that's interesting! [He places it on the table and beats it with a fire pit shovel until it bursts, and then some. The other robots are stunned.]

Hedonism Bot: I say!

Billionaire Bot: I'm blind!

Calculon: My God, Bender! This is a civilized organization! The rules specifically...

Bender: [He pulls a book out of his robe titled "Robot's Rules of Order."] May I make a point of order, President Calculon?

Calculon: Must you?

Bender: Yes.

Bender: The bylaws specifically state that no human may set foot in the League of Robots! If he has a human part, he's part human!

Hedonism Bot: Oh, my! Then I too have a human part I must expel. And I plan to enjoy the experience. Ta-ta !

[Hedonism Bot walks off screen and Bender throws the book into the fire as he walks back to his chair.]

British Robot: Bender, you've rigidly applied the law with no regard for its intent. Well done! You'll go far in this organization.

Bender: Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender. [He taps on his empty glass and Boxy immediately moves from filling Calculon's glass to fill Bender's. Calculon scowls at Bender.]

[Shot of the anomaly over the prison. Farnsworth and Wernstrom stand in front of a table with the cake on it. Farnsworth presses down four of the six candles and the cake transforms into a mini Smell-O-Scope. Wernstrom aims it at the anomaly and sniffs.]

Wernstrom: Curses! If we could only turn up the gain, we might smell clear through to the other universe! But we can't adjust it without a screwdriver.

Farnsworth: Wait a moment. I think I was just shanked with a screwdriver! [He groans as he yanks a screwdriver out of his back.] Yes!

Wernstrom: A little more. A little less. Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this!

Farnsworth: Holy mother of invention!

Wernstrom: We must notify the President at once!

Farnsworth: But how can we? Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish we weren't in prison!

[A "caw" is heard. It is Pazuzu and he rises in front of Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: Pazuzu!

Pazuzu: [He lands next to them and they grab onto his front legs.] You have one wish left, Professor.

[Pazuzu flies away from the prison and the two sound scared about their current transportation. Cut to the Oval Office, where Nixon is writing in a book.]

Nixon: Sometimes... Always... Never! You again? This better be damned important. I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey!

Farnsworth: You'll want to hear this, Mr. President. For we have sniffed where no man has sniffed before!

[Cut to Fry exiting the electrical storm and entering bare space. He is running out of air and sweating as he floats further and further into the universe motionless. A shadow covers him as he moves more and he opens his eyes in a dazed confusion. He looks around and starts wheezing in fear at what he sees. A slow pull back reveals large pink tentacles coming from a cloud-like object. An eye opens at the center of the being.]
[Closing Credits.]