Transcript:The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 3

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Transcript for
The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 3
Written byEric Kaplan and David X. Cohen
Transcribed byMini-Me and Jasonbres

[Opening Credits. Caption:0100100001101001]
[Scene: Back on Earth, people look and point at the anomaly. A shot of the tear shows a pink tentacle coming through it. People begin screaming and the tentacle begins moving around and splitting off into more tentacles.

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Look! Up in the sky!

Hermes: It's a bird!

Hattie McDoogal: It's a plane!

Super Hero: I am so out of here! [He flies off screen.]

[Scene: The Nimbus is shooting at the protruding tentacles with many other ships helping it.

Zapp (VO): Captain's log, star date, the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee's. [Cut to a shot of Zapp sitting in a booth next to a window controlling the Nimbus with a joystick. The anomaly and tentacles can be seen through the window to his left.] Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella back to the kitchen and fry it some more.

[A lower quality image of the tentacles extending from the anomaly through Asteroid-esque triangles that represent Earth's defences. Pull out from the screen, Farnsworth and Wernstrom are in the Oval Office]

Nixon: Har-harrooo! The tentacle's coming towards Earth and there's no stopping it. King Kong's too old to save us this time.

[King Kong is in the room. He looks very old, has a hearing aid, glasses and a walker with tennis balls on the two front legs. He's holding a skeleton, supposedly Ann Darrow. He coughs.]

Farnsworth: We have only one hope, Mr. President. We must encase the entire planet in a protective sphere of my patented, ultra-hard Diamondium!

Wernstrom: Diamondium? (He scoffs.) I could gum through that with my dentures behind my back. My trademarked Diamondillium is twice as hard!

Farnsworth: Twice as hard as your head! Which makes it still fairly soft!

Nixon: Now look here, you Poindexters. I don't care how you decide. Just decide!

[Exterior shot of the Deathball Arena. Cut to Farnsworth wedged between a ball and the side of a hole.]

Farnsworth: Diamondillium it is.

[Scene: A sign says "Men working in space." Pan right to show many cranes moving hexagonal pieces of Diamondillium into place around Earth.]
[Scene: The LOR Headquarters, in front of the fireplace.]

Bender (standing in front of the fireplace): So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy, and, pardon my ignorance, but when do we kill all humans?

Calculon: Never.

Bender: But what about our motto? [A shot of a plaque above the fireplace that says "KILL ALL HUMANS!"] Doesn't it mean anything?

[Calculon laughs and walks over to Bender.]

Calculon: Oh, Bender, your idealism is heart-warming. But the League of Robots hasn't killed a human in over 800 years. And that was a very sick girl scout.

British Robot: Quite sick indeed.

Calculon: Sweet, innocent Bender. [He pats Bender on the head and flicks his antenna. Bender looks up at Calculon evilly.]

[Cut to Sal operating a crane, moving the last hexagonal piece into place. The shield is complete. Pull back to reveal the shot was from the Jumbotron. There are many people looking up at it. Farnsworth and Wernstrom speak into a microphone to the crowd.]

Wernstrom: I declare my impenetrable Diamondillium sphere complete! [The crowd cheers and Wernstrom waves to them.]

Farnsworth: Now look here, Wernstrom. You're making it sound as if the sphere was your idea when we both know... [Shattering glass is heard and a tentacle is through the sphere.] It was! All credit to my colleague, Ogden Wernstrom!

[The tentacle thrusts itself into the middle of a street and more tentacles begin morphing out of it, chasing screaming people down the street.]

H. G. Blob: It's horrible!

[A shot from Space Farm Insurance shows the monster attacking the city. A large tentacle slams against the glass wall and it cracks. People inside the building run away from it, screaming. Cut to the crew running from a few tentacles. Zoidberg hesitates to run, for some reason, but then starts running while whooping. He trips while running.]

Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go on without me! [Pull back to reveal he's holding onto Leela's boot.]

Leela: I'm trying! [She struggles to pull him, but slowly does.]

Zoidberg: Go on without me faster!

[Cut to a shot of tentacles ambushing a lady by trying to get into her car. A tentacle flies behind her trying to catch a man flying around with a jet pack on his back. The Planet Express ship takes off with tentacles chasing it, but then giving up when it gets out of reach. The ship speedily flies by the larger tentacles, but ends up compressing like a pop can when it reaches the Diamondillium sphere. It falls back down to the ground as the crew screams and lands in the middle of a crowd looking up at the stage the two scientists occupied earlier. The door opens on the ship and the crew exits through it. A single tentacle has the focus of the entire crowd. It takes on the form of a sphincter as it forces Fry through the tight end. He flops around, attached to the tentacle, and a liquid drips off him as people gasp.]

Hermes: Sweet squid of Madrid! The tentacle got Fry!

Leela: Quick, hand me my machete! We can still save his legs!

[A close up on Fry's closed eyes. His eyes snap open, but they are pointing off in to different directions. The crowd is heard to be in a panic.]

Fry: Silence! [The crowd goes quiet.] I have traveled far and seen deep, and I have come to know the purpose of our existence.

[Cut to] Randy: Finally.

Fry (who is now shown on the Jumbotron): Thou shalt love the tentacle!

[Cut to] Farnsworth: Well, at least we don't have to love one another.

[Establishing shot of New New York. The city has three large spouts of tentacles coming through the sphere that spread all over the city. Cut back to Fry hovering above the stage.]

Fry: A new age has begun. The age of the tentacle! [Tentacles enter into the crowd through the fire hydrants.] Open your necks and receive the love!

[People are screaming as the tentacle picks off citizen after citizen. A close-up of the tentacle grappling onto a man's neck is shown. Cut to an exit on the Tube System. Warden Vogel is the first to exit it and a tentacle attaches to his neck.]

Warden Vogel: Ow, my neck!

[The tentacle moves him away from the exit as Morgan Proctor arrives at the exit. The tentacle attaches to her neck.]

Morgan Proctor: Ow, my neck!

[The tentacle moves her away from the exit as Fishy Joe arrives at the exit. The tentacle doesn't attack him immediately.]

Fishy Joe: My neck feels perfectly... [A tentacle attaches to his neck.] Ow, my neck!

[Cut to a bus shelter. A man is grabbed by the leg by the tentacle and the tentacle attaches to his neck. Petunia is attacked by a tentacle and pulled off screen. A man on top of the bus shelter is attacked from above and pulled off screen.]
[Establishing shot of Planet Express. A squad car drives by and the officer is picked off from the cab. The car flips over and crashes. The super hero from before flies across the screen being chased by a tentacle. A zoom in on the front doors and Leela knocks both open with one kick. She carries Wernstrom and Farnsworth over her shoulders and throws them to the ground in front of her before slamming the doors shut on the pursuing tentacles. Cut to Amy leaping through an open window. Her boot catches the ledge and she falls flat on her face. She gets up and closes the window before the tentacles enter. Cut to Hermes rushing through a door and slamming it shut. Zoidberg then crawls through a doggy door.]

Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! [He is attacked by a tentacle.] Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle! [He is pulled through the doggy door by the tentacle.]

[Cut to the lounge where the remaining crew, Wernstrom, Farnsworth, Amy, Leela and Hermes, meet up. They are all panting.]

Hermes: It got Zoidberg!

Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I'd miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.

[A knock is heard and Leela gasps. Fry is at the window.]

Fry: Thus sayeth the tentacle, "Verily, thou shalt rejoice in the house of the tentacle."

Leela: Fry, listen to yourself. You've been brainwashed.

Fry: No, I'm just trying to fit my diction to the importance of what I'm saying. Please, let me speak. [A laser points at his forehead.]

Leela (pointing a gun at Fry): I'm listening.

Fry: Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela. [He grabs part of the tentacle that is attached to him and pets it.] It's beautiful and it loves me. And I love it. [A second laser appears on his forehead and a cocking gun is heard.]

Leela (pointing two guns at Fry): Aw. That's so nice for both of you.

Fry: I know it may seem strange that I have feelings for an octopus monster from another universe. And yes, perhaps it's not the storybook romance that's been crammed down our throats by (quoting the syllables) "Hollywood." But the Monsterpus has loved us from afar since we were amoebas. [He looks up at the anomaly. Leela slips off her boot and pulls out another gun to aim at Fry's forehead while he turned away. A third laser appears on his forehead.] Only when the space anomaly opened could it finally express a billion years of longing.

Leela: [She pulls the guns away from him.] Really? It loves us that much? Fire Diamondium cannon!

[Amy presses a button. The upper level of Planet Express, the Observatory, raises up and turns to face Fry and it starts shooting diamond projectiles at him. However, Fry is able to avoid from being hit by any and the ones that do strike the tentacle simply bounce right off of it.]

Fry: Hey! [He yelps as he's constantly swung out of harm's way.

Leela: No effect. The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle like meatballs off Mothra.

Wernstrom: Oh, what a surprise. I told you Diamondium was worthless!

Farnsworth: Wernstrom, quit hyping your cheap Diamondillium and look at this.

[Farnsworth points to a panel on the center of the table with four green dots on it. The second dot is blinking yellow and beeping.

Wernstrom: Uh-oh.

Hermes: What oh?

Farnsworth: According to this blinking light, the tentacle is made of electro-matter, matter's bad-ass grandma! Nothing from our universe can cut through it. Not Diamondium, not Diamondillium, not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes! (To Wernstrom:) She's a terrible cook. (To All:) Anyway, we're all dead.

[Scene: Cut to a shot of people floating with tentacles in their necks while other people scream below, running from tentacles. Pan up to show Robot Arms Apts. Interior shot of Bender laying on the couch. A pink tentacle is through the door in Fry's room behind him.]

Bender: [He sighs.] So, Bender, is something wrong? Who said that? Oh, it was me! 'Cause my roommate doesn't notice or even care that I'm upset!

[Fry floats out of the his room wearing only his underpants and has a robe slung over his arm.]

Fry: What, Bender? Is something wrong?

Bender: Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool, but it turns out all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves, "leaguie-weegies."

Fry: I'm sorry. I should've asked what was bothering you. [A shot of Fry's back reveals the tentacle reaching from Fry's upper neck to lower spine in a very scar-like manner.] I've been kind of preoccupied.

Bender: With what?

Fry: [while putting on his vestment] Well, I went to another universe, and I fell in love with a giant octopus, and now I'm pope of a new religion.

Bender: Weren't you already pope of something?

Fry: [He puts on his Pope hat.] No.

Bender: Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you to show an interest in my life, too.

Fry: Okay, let's catch up soon. But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle into everyone in China. [He squeezes/yanks on the tentacle and is yanked through the window of the apartment and out into space.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express.]

Linda (Screaming): They're coming! Those horrible, horrible things are coming! (Calm) Morbo?

[Cut to] Morbo: As the universe falls prey to the revolting alien, only a few isolated pockets of resistance remain.

[Linda laughs off-screen as both are shown beside each other again. She has a tentacle in her neck.]

Linda: Those pockets sure are missing out on a great thing.

[Linda smiles at Morbo, he nervously laughs and adjusts his cue cards and then runs off screen. The station goes to static, then an off-air calibrating screen.]
[Scene: The crew is sleeping in front of the TV that now emits a constant tone. They are snoring. Pan over to Amy, sleeping in a chair on a table with a machine gun in her hands. She suddenly wakes up and starts firing randomly. Leela reacts and starts firing as well. Scruff, Wernstrom and Farnsworth enter the fetal position to avoid being hit. The random shooting continues. And continues. Then stops.]

Leela: Amy?

Amy: Sorry. I thought I saw a tentacle, but it was just a harmless land squid. [She points to a land squid as it squeals and shuffles back into a hole in the wall. She sighs as she walks over to the cocoffee machine.] I better have some cocoffee.

[When Amy pulls down the lever on the machine a tentacle comes out of the spout. She drops the mug she's holding and runs screaming from the tentacle by a door. The door slides open and Hermes waddles through it holding his shirt over his groin as he was interrupted in the washroom by a tentacle entering through the toilet.]

Hermes: When I gave up diapers, my parents promised exactly this would never happen!

Leela: Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room! [Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Wernstrom go through the door while Leela holds off the pursuing tentacles.]

[Scene: A church, decorated by dark purple tentacles. Many pink ones move around through the front door. Interior shot. Fry is sitting on an altar with Zoidberg at his side. Many people sit in the pews, listening to Fry.]

Fry: Well done, people! We had a great first week. We got 90% of world leaders, everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt, and this year's most promising new R&B group, give it up for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics!

[Pan up to the floating foursome.]

The Funkalistics: [They harmonize.] (singing) Talkin' 'bout the tentacle!

[Cut to Planet Express. Leela struggles to stay away to protect the remaining crew. She grabs a can labelled "Red Minotaur" and drinks it. A red glow is seen as she swallows it.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I was up all night inventing, and then finally, I invented!

Amy: Invented what?

Farnsworth: [He holds up half of a toilet paper tube with an elastic attached to each side.] The neck protector, [He holds up a smaller version.] the neck protector junior, and now, for a limited time, [He holds up a version with a flower on it.] the lady neck protector!

[The crew walks over to the box filled with them. Scruffy is missing from the pack, however.]

Hermes: I'll take two. My neck is huge.

[Everybody puts on their neck protector.]

Farnsworth (Typing on the keyboard.): We're perfectly safe now. Time to stop living like a bunch of nervous nellies. [A diagrams on the screen shows a dotted line disappearing from around the building. "SECURITY SYSTEM OFFLINE" flashes on the screen.]

Leela: [She examines the invention.] Professor, these look like you cut them from cardboard toilet paper tubes.

Farnsworth: So? [The hangar doors retract open.] Lots of important inventions are made from toilet paper tubes. [Farnsworth looks back to the keyboard and screen and Leela spots a tentacle in Farnsworth's neck.] Microscopes, the internet, tentacle polish...

Leela: It got the professor!

[Farnsworth laughs dementedly. Many tentacles enter the building behind him and the crew screams.]

Hermes: Wait, why am I screaming? It got me, too! [He floats up to Farnsworth.]

[Only Leela and Amy are left and they dash away from the tentacles. Exterior shot of Planet Express. Leela is a passenger on Amy's hover board as they smash out the side window and take off down the street. Wernstrom chases them with the aid of a tentacle in his neck.]

Wernstrom: Stop, in the name of love!

[Neato 3D chase scene. Amy takes a hard left past a street sign and Wernstrom gets his tentacle tangled around it.]
[Scene: The town is now completely overtaken by the tentacle. People float around town doing their usual thing. Leela pokes her head out from an alley. Cut to inside the alley, Leela walks over to Amy and sits down next to her.]

Leela: Crud. We may be the last two normal people on Earth. At least I won't have to trim my elbow talons anymore.

Amy (Crying): I'm scared! And I miss Kif!

Leela: It's okay to cry, Amy. Come here, I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps. [They hug.]

Zapp: [He pops the top of his head out of a dumpster.] Mmm. What an erotic display of girl-on-girl consolation.

Leela: Zapp?

Zapp: Hurry, Leela, we don't have much time to begin repopulating Earth. Go brush your teeth. I'll be waiting for you naked under this keh-suh-dilluh. [He places the Mexican treat on his head and saunters back down into the dumpster. Hermes floats into the alley with a gang of tentacles around him. Amy, Leela and Zapp gasp.]

Hermes: Stop resisting, my brethren! Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourselves? Like a big crazy monster? [Zapp whimpers.]

[Cut to the church.]

Fry: So we got her, huh? Bring her in!

Zoidberg: Do it already! [He motions at someone.]

[Colleen is dragged down the aisle by Scruff and Smitty.]

Fry: Hello, Colleen.

Colleen: Fry, please!

Colleen: If this is about your futon, I sold it to pay the phone bill that you skipped out on!

[A phone bill is shown. It is 254 pages long and all of the calls seem to be made to DIAL-A-JOKE at $0.79 each. The total is $6421.12. Cut back to the church. Colleen is dropped on the ground in front of Fry.]

Fry: Colleen wasn't satisfied with me. Were you, Colleen?

Colleen: Come on, Fry, this isn't cool!

Fry: She had to have four other boyfriends! I guess she never thought I'd become tentacle pope of the world!

Colleen: You know what? It's true! You weren't enough for me! No one man is! You were great, but you weren't Chinese, you weren't Cameroonian, and you certainly were not the "king of karaoke," as you so often claimed. [Fry is aghast.] And if your ego can't take that, then you don't deserve to be tentacle pope of anything!

Fry (Raising into the air with clenched fists.): Oh, yeah, Colleen? Well, I've got one thing to say to you. [He lowers down to her.] (Calm) I completely agree!

Colleen (Confused): You, you... What?

Fry (Walking with Colleen.): Why should you be satisfied with one man when love needs to share itself with the whole universe?

Colleen: Wow, Fry. You know, that's really... [Fry moves a tentacle in front of her face and she shrieks as it grabs onto her neck.]

Fry: Love the tentacle, honey.

Colleen: I do love the tentacle.

Fry: Come on out, guys! [Chu, Schlomo, Ndulu and Bolt come out of hiding.] There's enough love for everybody! [They all hug and raise into the air higher.]

Zoidberg: Aw. [He throws up salt water fish and a duck with water into two buckets. The duck flaps it feathers and quacks.]

[Scene: A pan across a city street into an alley where Leela, Zapp and Amy are running from three tentacles. Cut to a tunnel with stairs and a railing in the middle. Leela and Amy successfully mount the pole and slide down to the bottom, but Zapp misses it and slides down the stairs on his butt. Cut to another alley/rooftop where the three reach a ledge. Zapp is holding his rear. Leela and Amy leap over the ledge and land in an alley below it.]

Amy: We're trapped!

[Zapp grunts as he lands poorly after jumping off the ledge. People float along with tentacles in the streets in front of them.]

Leela (Into her Wristlomojacker): Help, help! Is anyone out there?

Bender (Over Leela's Wristlomojacker): Bender to Leela. I read you. [Pull out, Bender is leaning against the wall a couple of feet away from them.] (Direct) 'Sup, bigboots?

Leela: Bender, we need a place to hide!

Amy: Please!

Zapp: Pretty please!

Bender (Laughing): You humans are so cute when you're scared. In here.

Destructor (Leaning against a building): My leg feels funny!

[Scene: In the LOR Secret HQ. Boxy is pouring Bender a glass of red "Serial Port" wine.]

Bender: Humans are disgusting! I opened one up once. I almost barfed.

Destructor: Did you know their hair just keeps growing and growing? My leg feels funny!

[Zoom into and through Destructor's leg. Zapp, Amy and Leela are squished inside of in and there are many spinning gears around them.]

Amy: Leela, you're crushing me with your rock-hard butt.

Leela: Sorry.

Zapp: [A close view of his face. It is moving back and forth.] Mmm. I can only imagine what rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me. [Pull back to reveal it is a actuator ramming into the back of his head.]

Calculon: Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad?

[Calculon turns up the thermostat greatly and the fireplace spits out 20 feet of fire. Bender's wine begins to boil. {His robe remains though, that's weird.} He sips on his wine and sighs in satisfaction. Cut to interior shot of Destructor's leg. The three are sweating profusely.]

Zapp: I can't take it! I'm being steamed in my own velour!

[Leela shushes him.]

Bender: Death to humans!

[The three fall out of Destructor's leg.]

Destructor: My leg feels better!

Amy: Hi, Bender.

Calculon: Bender, you know these humans?

Bender: Of course not! Who are you humans and why am I pointing you to the exit? [He rushes them towards a hallway.] Go, go, go!

Leela (While running away.): Thanks for everything, Bender! [A bookshelf slides in front of the path they escaped from.]

Bender: Death to all of you!

Calculon: Bender, methinks thou doth protest too much.

Hedonism Bot: It seems Bender hates humans the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial sandpaper.

[Hedonism Bot giggles and the rest of them laugh at Bender.]

British Robot (Laughing): Quite right.

Calculon (Laughing): It's okay, Bender, to heir is human.

[The robots laugh again.]

Bender: Sir, you forget yourself!

[Bender removes his hand and slaps Calculon across the face with it. The other robots gasp. Bender reattaches his hand.]

Bender: I challenge you to a duel on the field of honor.

Hedonism Bot: Oh, my... [He puts his hand on his forehead and faints, falling onto Boxy and crushing him. Boxy frantically beeps, but they slow in speed and pitch and eventually stop.]

[Scene: Amy, Leela and Zapp are running through a forest. They stop running.]

Zapp: Leela, it's getting dark. We may have to make a tent out of Amy's skin.

Amy: Look, there's an abandoned cabin!

Zapp: Even so.

[Zapp opens the door and the three enter the cabin.]

Leela: We're in luck. This must have been the cabin of a soup bootlegger back in the days of soup prohibition.

Zapp: [He drinks a ladle-full of soup.] Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone.

[Cut to a later time at night. Amy is sitting outside on the steps of the cabin. She is grieving.]

Amy (Sobbing)': Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever!

[Zapp exits the cabin and stands behind her.]

Zapp: Ditto on the grief there, Amy.

Amy: You miss him, too?

Zapp: [He sits next to her.] More than you, as his mere wife, could ever understand. He was my fourth lieutenant, for God's sake, and bore the peppermill at the captain's table.

Amy: Really?

Zapp (sobbing): Oh, Amy, I miss him so! Hardly a month goes by that I don't think of him. But you know, in a way, he's still with us. [Amy looks around.] Do you feel his presence?

Amy (Crying): I'm not sure.

Zapp: It's over here. [Amy moves closer to Zapp and looks around more.] Closer.

[Establishing shot of the cabin. It is morning. Pan over to a humming Leela. She is pulling a bucket of Chicken Noodle soup out of a well. Cut to Leela inside the cabin. She knocks on two closed doors and carries a pan with three bowls of soup on it.]

Leela: Amy! Zapp! I fetched up some fresh soup!

[The second door opens as she knocks on it and sees Zapp and Amy in the same bed. She gasps and drops the pan. Amy and Zapp awake and gasp too.]

Zapp: Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela. I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first. [Two tentacles sneak up behind the two of them and Leela points at them. She is too scared to speak.] As my ex-lover, you're naturally shocked and jealous, but you may well get your chance again someday. How about today at 4:00?

[They are both attacked by the tentacles.]

Amy: Hey, this isn't so bad.

Zapp: She's right. Leela, you must try the tentacle. It's like my soul is wearing a velour body glove.

[A tentacles breaks through the floor, wraps around Leela and tries to attach itself to her neck, but she dodges it.]

Leela: Get off me! I'm saving my neck for a rich, handsome Dracula.

[She slips out from its grip and the end of the tentacle gets caught in a knot and part of it falls off. It flaps around at Leela's feet like a fish out of water.]
[Establishing shot of Planet Express. The city around it is draped with tentacles.]
[Scene: Farnsworth and Hermes are playing a multi-level Pac Man/Checkers board game in the lounge.]

Farnsworth: What I love most about the tentacle is that I don't need to move my bowels anymore. It's all handled by that family in Evanston.

[A bulge escapes his neck through the tentacle and works its way along the tentacle. Cut to Leela scaling the side of Planet Express on that same tentacle. The bulge moves past her as she walks up the wall. She pushes herself away from the wall and swings closer to an open window and leaps for it. She grabs on and pulls herself in. She sneaks around with the lights off over to a microscope and places the end of the tentacles under the lens.]

Leela: No, it can't be. [The lights flick on.]

Farnsworth (With many tentacles behind him): Leela, what's your favourite thing about the tentacle? [He gasps and the tentacles react to it.] You don't have a tentacle! Get her! Get her some love!

[The tentacles swarm towards Leela as she whimpers.]
[Establishing shot of the church. A bird flies by the tower and a tentacle comes off the building and grabs it by the neck, causing it to squawk.]
[Scene: Fry is is a dressing room. Makeup is being applied to him by Amy and Colleen is decorating his tentacles with flowers.]

Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff? [The staff moves up and down and a slide whistle is heard.]

Fry: The tentacle monster is about to address the world. It's too serious.

Zoidberg: Oh. [The staff moves down and a slide whistle is heard again.]

Leela (From the doorway): Hello, Fry.

Fry: Leela? How did you get past my sumo ninjas?

Leela: I told them something so shocking that they let me by.

Fry: What's that?

Leela: I love the tentacle. [She turns a little to reveal a tentacles is in her neck.]

[Cut to Zoidberg in front of a camera. Fry sits in a chair on the alter behind him, ready to speak to his congregation.]

Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two... What? We're already rolling?

Fry: Love the tentacle!

ALL: Love the tentacle!

Fry: Loved ones, the Monsterpus has revealed unto me its name.

Morbo: What is our love's name?

Fry: Yivo. Yivo is the lover of all beings, male and female. But Yivo has no gender, thus Yivo has proclaimed that instead of "he" or "she," we are to use the word "shklee." And instead of "him" or "her," we are to use the word "shklim," or "shkler."

Hermes: Phew! I've been sweating the nomenclature all week.

Fry: So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo!

[The congregation cheers.]

Colleen: Yay, Yivo!

[Fry raises off the ground, spreads his arms wide and opens his mouth. A tentacles comes out of his mouth.]

Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.

Zoidberg: Where?

Yivo: Here.

Zoidberg: I had a hunch.

Yivo: I am Yivo. In your universe, you are many, but in my universe, I am one. [On the Jumbotron, people are watching him.] For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude, content with my job and my stamp collecting, [On a TV on the Nude Beach Planet Bar.] but then I looked across immensity [On a TV in Lrrr's house.] and saw the big bang, and I was, like, [Back at the church.] "Whoa, who's that?" And I knew then that I was lonely.

Morbo (Crying): You poor monster!

Yivo: Then your emissary Fry came unto me, and he, too, was lonely. So I reached into your universe that we might feel each other's touch.

Leela: [She stands up.] Hey, Yivo, feel this.

[Leela yanks out his tentacle and shows that it is just an Apex Garden Hose. She sprays Yivo {Fry's face} and they fall to the ground. The crowd gasps and Leela rushes the alter and kicks Fry in the face.]

Yivo: Ow!

Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news.

Yivo: Hey, butt out! This is between me and everyone else in existence.

Leela: Yivo talks a lot about love, but what he's actually doing...

Hermes: What shklee's actually doing.

Leela: mating with you! [The congregation murmurs to each other. She pulls out and holds up the sample she used.] These aren't tentacles. They're genticles.

Fry: Ew!

[Closing Credits.]