Transcript:The Beast with a Billion Backs

Transcript for; The Beast with a Billion Backs
Written by	Eric Kaplan and David X. Cohen
Thanks to	Mini-Me

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[Scene: Night time shot of the tops of buildings and the stars in the sky.]

Narrator: Previously on Futurama.

[Rumbling is heard and the city is shaking. A tear works its way across the night sky.]

[Opening Credits. Caption: The Proud Result Of Prison Labor.]

[At the end of the credits, the commonly shattered Jumobotron allows the Planet Express Ship to pass through it. A black and white animation and harmonious whistling, similar to that of Steamboat Willie appears. The Planet Express Ship is flying, propelled by Zoidberg whoops while running on a steamboat wheel chasing a fish attached to a rod that is fashioned to his head. Leela is whistling while steering the ship. Fry and Bender are dancing to the rhythm of the song then Bender knocks Fry out of the picture with his hip. A crash is heard. The ship approaches a whistling Moon with the Hydroponic Farmer standing on top of it with a pitch fork in his hand. He spots the ship, a dotted line appears to show this and he begins mumbling, voicing his displeasure about their presence. The ship stops and a cannon comes out of the top of the ship. It fires and leaves only the Farmer's, still complaining, skeleton. His bones fall into a pile and the ship passes behind him.]

[Screen:"MATTHEW GROENING presents a "FUTURAMA" SOUND CARTOON! THE BEAST WITH A BILLION BACKS!" Fry and Bender stand on either side of the frame.]

[Pull out from previous screen to see it is on the Jumbotron. Normal theme music resumes and the Planet Express Ship smashes out of the screen.]

[Scene: Shot of the anomaly, pulling back down to an establishing shot of Planet Express. Interior shot: Hermes, Professor, Bender and Leela are sitting on the couch and Zoidberg is laying on the ground, all watch the TV.]

Morbo: It has now been one month since space ripped open like flimsy human skin. Terrified earthlings are beginning to grow exhausted.

[Hattie McDoogal, Mayor Poopenmeyer and Randy are pointing at the anomaly, all screaming. The stop, yawn and then begin screaming again.]

Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be?

Farnsworth: Somewhere between not at all and entirely.

Zoidberg: I call entirely. [He springs up, flipping the table upside down and knocking food and beverages all over the four on the couch. He whoops and scuttles his way out of the room.]

Morbo: Scientists believe the rip is a gateway to another universe, but do not know what mysteries lie beyond. However, in this reporter's opinion gruesome death awaits us all!

Linda: And now with sports, here's Sportsbot 5000.

[An introduction to Sports is shown.]

SportsBot 5000: All sports cancelled.

[Establishing shot of Planet Express. Two doors slide open in the Observatory. Kif, Amy, Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela and Professor are standing near the opening.]

Farnsworth: To better understand the anomaly, I will now focus its radiation on a giant medium-sized ant to see what happens.

Giant Medium-Sized Ant: What's going on here? I was told there would be sugar syrup.

Farnsworth: Quiet, you. [He pulls a switch down. A giant magnifying glass focuses a beam of light from the anomaly onto Farnsworth's head. His forehead to the tip of his upper lip is blasted by fire. Farnsworth screams and Leela sighs and flips the switch to "off." She pulls out a fire extinguisher and puts out the Professor's head.]

[Fry enters the room with a woman.]

Fry: Oh, hey, everyone, this is Colleen.

ALL: Hello!

Amy: I like your shoes.

Bender (Laughing): This is awkward. Introducing your new girlfriend to Chesty McNag-nag.

Leela: Oh, don't mind him. I'II turn him off.

Bender: Hey, you can't (voice slowing)turn me off...

Leela: Hi. I'm Leela.

Colleen: Hi, Leela, hi, everyone. Sorry I've been taking up so much of Fry's time. He's just so interesting. Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?

Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. 5.1 pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes. [He picks up a stack of pancakes with Fry's blood acting as a syrup.]

Fry: Well, got to skedoodle-oodle. We're taking a cuddle-cab to Hug-a-Bunny Village. [The two kiss, then exit the room.]

[Pan to Zoidberg who throws up into two buckets. One ends up with frogs and lilies in it while the other has starfish and a shark.

Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs.

Leela: It is pretty sickening.

Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met.

[Two silhouettes sit on a bench in a park under a hover bridge. A front view shows these two people are Fry and Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet?

Fry: Well...

[Fade to Fry and Colleen standing next to each other in a crowd of people staring at the anomaly on a Jumbotron.]

Fry: Something about seeing it on the Jumbotron makes it so much more real.

[Shot of the Jumbotron showing the anomaly directly below the real anomaly. Back to Fry and Colleen.]

Colleen: It's so scary. What are you supposed to do when the whole universe is coming to an end?

Fry: I have a thought. [Cut to the two of them in bed, both smiling. Fry blows a bubble with his gum and it pops around his mouth.]

[Cut back to the Observatory. Leela turns Bender back on.

Bender: This is gonna be juicy. What? Oh, man!

Amy: Speaking of sappy love... Want to tell them, Kiffy?

Kif: Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement. I... That is, we... Oh, I'm just so excited.

Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru. [She hugs Kif.]

Zoidberg: Mazel tov!

Farnsworth: Wonderful!

[They all happily crowd around, but then show they are confused.]

Hermes: What the hell does that mean?

Kif: It means I've asked Amy to join my family. And you're all invited to my family swamp for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony.

Amy: If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of.

Kif: Oh! And our parents will be meeting for the first time ever.

Bender: [He gasps.] That's even more awkward than Fry's two bimbos meeting each other. Count me in. [Leela turns Bender off again. He falls to the floor in a static pose.]

[Establishing shot of the ship approaching Amphibios 9. It lands on what appears to be a landing pad, but it turns out the be a large Venus Fly Trap. A cutting torch is used by Leela to make a hole in the plant wall for the front leg of the ship. Leela exits, Fry and Colleen exit, and then Bender exits.

[Scene: "WONG/KROKER FONFON RUBOK CEREMONY." Zapp is drinking something, Mr. and Mrs. Wong impatiently stand with bugs around them. One of Kif's species expands his head, like a balloon, and lets it deflate repeatedly. Bagpipes are playing. Kif and Amy walk up to Mr. and Mrs. Wong.]

Kif: Mr. And Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited that we're all about to be joined in a single family?

Mr. Wong: You can't borrow money.

Mrs. Wong: Kif's parents come late and we have to stand around in swamp getting eaten alive by damn bugs? [She squashes a bug on her neck

Kif: Mrs. Wong, no. The finial stage of my species' life cycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father.

[The mess of bugs assembles into a clustered sphere. A hand is formed and shakes Mr. and Mrs. Wong's hands.

Mr. Kroker: Welcome.

Mrs. Wong: Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare though, huh?

Mr. Kroker: That was my left testicle.

Bender: [Outside of the conversation] And the awkward meter goes up another notch. Ding, ding, ding, ding ding...

[Scene: Fry and Colleen are drinking under a heavy green glow. The rocks and trees have moss on them and the bodies of green liquid give off a green mist.]

Fry: Wow, Colleen, you look so beautiful in the light of the swamp gas.

Colleen: Thanks. This is really fun. I love going to exotic worlds and getting hammered.

Fry: Me, too.

Bartender: Two more Harvey Wallclimbers. [He drops a frog in each, the beverage begins to react with it and overflow.]

[Cut to an animation of Pong played with a wall. Pull out to reveal Leela is playing it on her Wristlojackimator.]

Zapp: Leela, I can't help but notice you're unescorted. Might I escort you behind that bush for the next five minutes?

Leela: Nothing would revolt me more.

Zapp: Then how about that shrub?

[Cut to everybody standing by a mud pond.]

Kif: Ooh! Rubok is begun.

[The Grand Midwife raises out of the mud.]

Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Priestess.

Fry: Aren't you also the Grand Midwife?

Grand Midwife: And the grand Lunch Lady. I work five jobs, all grand. Kif of the clan Kroker, please transcend the Rubok Etlon with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru.

Kif: What?

Grand Midwife: Get in the mud. This mud is the petroleum from a billion generations of Kif's ancestors. [She swirls her staff around in the mud and pushes on Amy's and Kif's forehead, leaving a mark of mud.] As you become one with the ooze, so you become one with the clan Kroker.

[She taps the ground twice with her staff and mud shoots up into the air in front of Amy and Kif. Everybody gets showered in mud, Amy and Kif are completely covered.]

Amy: Oh, Kif, it's like a movie with this happening in it.

[The man that was acting like a balloon where they first arrived pops and turns into a colony of flying hook worms.]

Grand Midwife: Is the best man present?

Zapp: Guilty as charged.

Grand Midwife: Kindly hose the couple.

[He grabs a hose, struggles with it, and then washes Kif's face off. Next he washes Amy's chest off.]

Grand Midwife: [Holding up a snake.] As it was, so it is. You may now eat the snake. [The two grab, then take a bite of the snake.] If you so choose. [They both spit it out.] It's not part of the ceremony. I just had an extra snake. Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet.

[Kif pulls the bouquet out of his lower abdomen and holds it up.) He throws it behind him and Colleen catches it. Her and Fry stare into each others eyes and smile. Zoidberg is included in the moment and he walks up to them, leaning on their shoulders.

Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that? [He devours the bouquet in colleen's hands.]

[Scene: Fry is in his apartment doing his hair. He grabs a comb full of Barb-O-Mite and pushes it through his hair. A sound is heard, similar to the sound an electric razor makes, and fry's hair snaps back to normal.]

Bender: [From the living room couch] Fry, run, run. Get over here, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Fry: What? What is it?

Bender: Shut up already! Calculon's on TV!

[A scene from "All My Circuits". Calculon walks up to a house with Monique.]

Monique: I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime.

Calculon: I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door.

[He rings the doorbell and the door opens.]

Human Friend: Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon.

Calculon: Son of a bit. This is my house. But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique?

Monique: I tried to, but I couldn’t. Oh, Calculon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers!

Bender: How's Calculon going to take this, Fry, especially after that humiliating tennis tournament? Fry?

Fry: [Adjusting his tie in the mirror] Don't know, Bender. Tonight's my big date with Colleen. I got to run.

Bender: But me and you like to watch together. Look, I got you a cabbage to snack on. Humans like cabbage, right?

[Fry walks out of the apartment. Bender places the cabbage down on a white t-shirt and draws Fry's face on it. After a moment, he punches the cabbage to a pulp.]

[Scene: St. Asimov's Day Festival. Fry and Colleen enter the 2D Tunnel of Love.]

Carnival Barker: Step right up to the 2D Tunnel of Love. Not one, not three, but two glorious dimensions for the price of a single ticket. [Fry and Colleen are sitting in a ride car.] Keep your hands in the car, shut up, and have fun.

[The two are zapped down to two dimensions and move sideways along the ride.]

Fry: Wow, you even look beautiful in 2D.

Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment. [Shot of Colleen as a line segment.]

Fry: A really hot line segment. So, listen, sweetie pie, I was thinking maybe we should take this to the next step.

Colleen: Really?

Fry: Yes. Colleen...will you be moved in with by me?

Colleen: (SOFT GASP)

[All speaking at once]

Amy: Way to go.

Zoidberg: Hooray, hooray.

Leela: That's great.

[Bender steps forward]

Bender: You're moving in with her? Why can't she move in with us? [He curls into a ball at Fry's feet.] I could just curl up at the foot of the bed. (WHIMPERING)

[Professor enters]

Farnsworth: Listen up, everyone. I know you've all been extremely worried about the cosmic anomaly.

Hermes: The what? Oh, right.

Farnsworth: But there's good news! We're all going to learn more about it at a scientific conference.

[Hermes, Leela, Zoidberg and Amy scream. Bender screams in front of everybody else.]

[The PE Ship flies across the sky, in front of the Anomaly and lands behind the Institute for Advanced Book Learnin.'

Man walking on screen: ...like a city made of marshmallow.

[Scene: The crew walk into the building through the front doors, many people are standing around talking. A banner with "SPACENOMALY '08" is hanging from the ceiling. Stephen Hawking's head descends from above.]

Stephen Hawking: Welcome. I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way-cool rocket.

Leela (embarrassed): Black hole Hawking? Wow, if I knew I was going to meet you I would have done something with my hair. [She plays with her hair.]

Stephen Hawking: You should have.

[Cut to Stephen Hawking speaking to an auditorium full of scientists listening to him. A display behind him displays the Anomaly.]

Stephen Hawking: In conclusion, I understand nothing about the anomaly, even after cashing the huge check I got for writing a book about it.

[The crowd applauses him.]

Farnsworth (standing up): I know this anomaly is terrifying. But as scientists, is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge, even at the cost of our very lives?

[Cut to] Stephen Hawking: No.

[Cut to] Farnsworth: I say we must mount an expedition to the anomaly forthwith.

Wernstrom (standing up): I agree.

[Cut to] Farnsworth: Wernstrom!

[Cut to] Wernstrom: Professor Farnsworth is correct. Only a manned mission can... [Yelps as he is hit on the head with a pair of dentures.]

[Cut to Professor snapping his fingers at Leela, indicating a replacement is needed. She puts a pair of dentures in his mouth.]

Farnsworth: Don't listen to that crackpot!

Wernstrom: But I'm agreeing with you.

Farnsworth: I'll make you eat those words, you moron! [He spits his dentures into his hand and prepares to throw them, but Hermes and Leela stop him from doing so.]

Wernstrom: Ah! [Protects himself with his arms.] I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation.

[He dangles a piece of paper above the students, who grasp for it.]

[Cut to] Farnsworth: Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable.

The PE Crew (standing up): Yeah!

Wernstrom: Oh, tough talk for someone with only one Fields Medal.

Crowd: Ooh!

[Cut to] Stephen Hawking: Ooh!

Farnsworth: Wernstrom, I ought to...

[Two beams hit and freeze both of them in place. We see the beams are coming from Stephen Hawking's eyes.]

Stephen Hawking: I didn't know I could do that. Now quiet down and settle this like men of science.

Professor (sitting down): Very well.

[Exterior shot of Deathball Arena. The structure is a large sphere with what looks like a wrestling diaper around it.]

Professor (VO): Let Deathball begin!

[Scene: A rather boring game of Labyrinth is shown from above. Cut to the ball constantly coming toward the screen, bouncing off walls. Fry appears and runs away from the ball. He dives out of its path. Cut to Zoidberg squeezing against a wall to avoid being hit by a ball. Fry is run over by that same ball as more roll across the screen. Pan and zoom up to a control room where Wernstrom and Professor look down on the game. Farnsworth turns the Horizontal dial to the right and the Deathballers react to the change. Fry slips and slides toward a hole, but Amy saves him. Wernstrom turns the Vertical dial to the left.]

Farnsworth: Go, Planet Express!

Wernstrom: Go even more, my team!

[The crowd is cheering. Cut to Hermes running across screen from a ball. Five players from Wernstrom team push a ball into a hole and the hole lights up red. Fry looks at the scoreboard. "Farnsworth: 0 - Wernstrom: 1." A ball heads down a wall toward him.]

Fry: Leela, header! [He prepares to knock it over to Leela, but it easily tramples over him. Cut to Bender smoking a cigar. A ball hits him, but he doesn't move. It bounces off him then hits a wall and rolls into a hole. The hole lights up blue. Cut to the scoreboard: "1-1." Cut to Fry riding on top of a ball. He manoeuvres it around a hole and heads toward an opponent riding another ball.]

Colleen (with two beers in her hands): Woo hoo! Bust those balls!

[Fry and the other player collide balls. The two balls bounce away from each other and momentum carries the two players onto the ball opposite them. They both ride into the holes they previously avoided and fall down with the ball, but catch on to the edge of the hole. The scoreboard reads 2-2.]

Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good! [He is run over from behind by a ball.]

[The two teams are battling for a ball, pushing it toward each other.]

Leela: Come on, Bender! Your grandmother could push harder than that!

Bender: No crap. My grandmother was a bulldozer.

[The table flips around 360 degrees and when it levels out seven more balls are introduced to the game. The players lay in the middle of the table and are run over by eleven balls. Two go in for Planet Express, then one runs over a player and goes in for Wernstrom. The scoreboard reads "5-6."]

[Cut to Wernstrom laughing evilly. Farnsworth growls at him and twists his dial to the left. A ball comes flying through the glass and hits Wernstrom. He flies out the other side with it and rolls into a hole. Another ball lands on top of the ball he is hanging on to. The scoreboard reads "7-6." The crowd cheers and the scoreboard says "GAME OVER" as a buzzer sounds. The PE crew celebrates.]

[Cut to] Bender: And thus metal man defeated meat man. The end.

[The plays are walking toward a tunnel entrance that reads "SHOWERS - Group Rates Available."]

Colleen: Come here, winner!

[Fry and Colleen kiss.]

Colleen (looking at one of Wernstrom's players): Come here, loser! [She kisses him.]

Fry (confused): Colleen, what are you doing? My face is over here.

Colleen: This is my boyfriend, silly!

Fry (confused): I thought I was your boyfriend.

Colleen: You are.

Fry (confused): Well, how can you have two boyfriends?

Colleen: Oh, I don't. I have five. [Three more men walk in and stand next to Chu.] Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Shlomo.

[All at once.]

Chu: Nihow.

Ndulu: Greetings.

Bolt: Pleasure.

Fry: But... But...

Colleen: Shlomo and Ndulu will help you move your stuff into my apartment tonight.

Ndulu: Welcome to the relationship, buddy!

[Colleen kisses the still confused Fry.]

Fry: Hmm? [He spits a piece of butterscotch into his hand.]

Chu: There's my butterscotch.

[Establishing shot. Pulling back from the Anomaly to Planet Express.]

[Scene: The crew sits around the conference table. Fry still appears dumbfounded.]

Farnsworth: Congratulations, Deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly!

Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom!

Farnsworth: No. [He inserts a crank and turns it to power a hologram of the Anomaly.] Now, I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.

Hermes: Not dangerous at all?

Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed.

Hermes: That is quite dangerous!

Farnsworth: Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying! Prep the ship and line up for your pre-flight coffee enemas!

[Pan to] Enema Bot: Warning. The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.

[Scene: In the Hangar. Leela is loading Dark Matter into the ship and Bender is carrying a box up the stairs. Fry is sitting at the bottom of the platform Leela stands on.]

Fry: I don't know what to do, Leela. Should I move in with Colleen and her four other boyfriends?

Leela: What are you going to do? Sleep in a big pile like hamsters?

Fry: No! It's not like that. Everyone gets his own room and a shelf in the refrigerator.

Zoidberg (walking by): Take the deal, Fry! If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake?

Amy (with Kif): Only one thing matters, Fry. Do you really love Colleen, like I love my little squeezle? [She squeezes him and his head expands and eyes expand out of his head. He giggles.

Fry: Yeah. I do love her.

Kif (high pitched voice): Then things will work out. [Amy lets go of him and he contracts to normal size, but one eye remains out. Amy pokes it and it pops back to normal size.]

[Cut to] Farnsworth: Whoa!

Enema Bot: Double espresso for Philip Fry?

Fry (standing up): Sorry, I'm not going on the mission. I'm moving in with Colleen!

[All at once.]

Kif: Good for you, Fry.

Zoidberg: Hooray!

Amy: Alright!

Fry: I'll just take that to go. [He is poured a coffee and it's handed to him.]

[Exterior shot of Planet Express. The roof opens and the PE ship takes off towards the Anomaly. Cut to an exit of the Tube system. A man exits, then Fry exits. He holds out one hand to grab his suitcase and holds his other hand out, but the object he was trying to catch is a futon and it knocks him over and lands on top of him. Fry walks up to an apartment building labelled "Upscale Human Domicile #2487." He drops his futon from his hand and pushes button number 34. A wide shot of many similar buildings shows one start to drop into the ground. People scream, increasing in volume the longer they move. The building stops moving and the doors slide open to reveal Colleen waiting for Fry.]

Colleen: Yay! [She hugs Fry.] Welcome to your new home!

Fry: Thanks, Colleen. And listen, I'm sorry I got jealous before. [They walk through the doors.] I'm just happy to be here with you.

[They both stop, Fry's eyes widen when he sees the four other men eating cake.]

Ndulu: Want a slice of delicious cake?

[Scene: A shot of the Anomaly. After a few seconds the PE ship is seen cruising towards it.

Bender(VO): (Gasps) The anomaly!

[Cut to an interior shot of the ship. Hermes and Amy are sitting on the couch.]

Amy: It's so anomalous.

Hermes: I'm feeling dread deep in my dreads!

[The monitors show static and then Wernstrom appears both screens.]

Farnsworth: Wernstrom!

Wernstrom: Yes, and I'm afraid I have disturbing news about the anomaly. You see...

Farnsworth: How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up on him in the rudest possible manner.

Hermes (saluting Farnsworth): Yes, sir! [He drops his pants and grasps the phone between his buttocks.]

Wernstrom: No, not the crack slam! [Hermes slams the phone down and the screen goes to static.]

[Scene Colleen is making homemade wine in a device called "Mr. Wino" that looks similar to a coffee machine. A vine of grapes goes in the top slot and a bottle goes under that. She pushes a button and red wine is injected into the bottle. When it is full, a nozzle spins and the bottle is corked. She turns around with the bottle and opens it with a corkscrew. She walks over to the dinner table to the five waiting men.]

Colleen: Oh, my life rocks. [She pours the wine into six glasses.] I've got good wine, five sweethearts, and today, I was promoted to Chief of Police.

Fry (toasting Colleen): Here's to you.

Chu: Me?

Fry: No, Colleen. I'm making a romantic toast.

Chu: Sorry.

Fry: You have the most beautiful eyes I think I...

Ndulu: Thank you.

Fry: I'm not talking to you!

Ndulu: Then I am not talking to you, either.

Schlomo: Will everyone be quiet a little? I want to hear what he has to say!

Fry: Thank you.

Schlomo: Not you, you Verstinkener. You're just here 'cause she likes cave men from the stupid ages.

Bolt: Oh, look who's talking. You're just here 'cause she got matzoh fever.

Ndulu: So, what's the explanation for you, moron fever? (laughs)

Colleen: Enough! All of you! I love you. Most people in this world don't have what we have. Let's just be grateful, okay?

All: Yeah.

Chu: Yeah, you're right.

Fry: So, Colleen, you look really nice.

Colleen: Oh, thanks. I got dressed up for my date. [A car horn honks. Colleen runs toward the door.] There he is. Don't wait up!

Fry (angrily): That's it. I thought I was okay with this, but I'm not. I'm breaking up with you! [Musical score is played. Colleen looks as Fry sadly and he retains his anger.]

Ndulu: Me?

[Scene: The PE ship arrives at the anomaly. Cut to an interior shot of the ship. Zoidberg nervously has his claws in his mouth while Amy and Hermes whimper. Bender whimpers as well and constantly shakes. He then drops one brick, then five more in the shape of a pyramid between his legs.]

Bender (stammering): Why are we risking our lives? Can't we just send in a robotic drone? [He looks over at the crew, who are expectedly staring back at him.] What's everybody looking at me for?

[Exterior shot of the PE ship next to the anomaly. Interior shot of Bender walking into an airlock on the ship with a machine slung around his shoulder with a strap.]

Bender: "Let's send a robot to explore it. 'Cause you can always buy another one for 20 bucks."

Leela: Really?

Bender: Well, it's 30 bucks, and there's a $10-mail-in rebate. When the League of Robots hears about this, they won't be pleased. Oh, you'll pay, my darlings.

Hermes: The League of Robots doesn't exist, tin mon. It's just a cartoon for babies.

Bender: Oh, yeah? Then how come when I was a kid, I had a whole sticker book of them? [She airlock doors shut and Bender's voice is muffled.] Answer that with your precious logic.

[Exterior shot of the ship. A plank extends from the airlock door to the edge of the anomaly and the door opens. Bender walks out onto the plank and holds out something that is connected to the machine he has.]

Bender (within inches of the anomaly): Bender to crew. I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion. (yelling) Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal... [He thrusts his ass into the anomaly, but he and the ship are shot away from it by a pink blast. Everybody is screaming and bricks fall out of Bender.]

[Scene: "Our Motherboard of Mercy Robot Hospital." An ambulance pulls into the emergency entrance. Cut to Bender laying in a bed with the crew standing in the room. A nurse hooks Bender up to an I.V. of Olde Fortran Malt Liquor.]

Bender: I can't remember anything except a blinding light and a searing ass pain. I better check my black box. BENDER: "The light! It's blinding! And the ass pain! It's searing!" So that's what happened.

Amy: Hey, Bender! Look who's here to cheer you up.

Bender: I don't need cheering up. I'm perfectly...

Calculon (entering the room): Greetings, sick fan.

Bender: (Gasps) TV's Calculon! (He coughs)

Calculon: [Paparazzi's take pictures of Calculon through the open door. He walks over to Bender's side and knees down.] You poor, mangled husk of what was once a robot! What right hath fate to pluck a sweet, dimple-cheeked mechanism in the flower of his youth? And... Scene! There, that was some free acting for you. [He walks toward the door.] Ordinarily, to see acting like that, you'd have to sit through a tampon commercial. [To Judge Ron Whitey.] That fulfills my community service, right?

Ron Whitey (He sits in a wheelchair with casts on his arms, leg, and bandages on his head.): Charges of running me over are hereby dismissed! [He slams his gavel on his leg cast and the cast shatters. Pause.] Ow!

[Scene: Colleen's Apartment. The building drops into the ground and people scream. The doors open and Fry is leaving with only his suitcase.]

Colleen (sobbing): Where did we go wrong, Fry? We were meant to be together!

[Schlomo steps out of a door behind Colleen with only a towel around his waist.]

Schlomo: Nu, I'm freezing my tokhes off here.

Colleen (happily): Just a sec, honey!

[Fry sighs and walks away. He walks through a park past many other happy couples. He sits on a bench feeding two birds from a brown paper bag and the two birds start kissing as well. He holds the handful of food he was about to throw and tosses it off to the side. Fade to a door that reads "Psychiatrist." Fry is lying on a chair talking out his problems to a woman, but she drops the her clipboard and begins kissing Chaz in her chair. Fade to Fry playing "Normal Combat" in an arcade. The one opponent pulls the two together with a rope and they begin kissing instead of fighting. He depressingly continues to control the two characters as they smooch.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express.]

[Scene: The Conference Room.] Bender rolls into the room with his wheelchair wheels attached.]

Bender: I'm back, idiots! [They all cheer.]

Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robut! I wish I could afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick. [He sneezes a green mucus all over the table in front of him.]

Bender: (laughs) I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon. [He removes his wheels and hangs them on the coat rack.] His visit really inspired me. [He walks over to the Conference Table.] I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

Hermes: You want to co-star in his TV show? Like that time you already did that?

Bender: No. I'm gonna be a stalker!

Leela: That's not really a career. More of a felony.

Bender: Man, I'm gonna stalk his brains out. [He types on the keyboard in front of Farnsworth.] Ooh! Big news on the Calculon fan site! There's a flash mob headed for his plastic surgeon's office!

[Scene: The Plastic Surgeon is struggling to tighten something below the frame using a ratchet. Pull back to reveal Calculon sitting in a chair.]

Plastic Surgeon: There, that's as big as I can make it. But I caution you, it looks completely unrealistic.

["Crotch POV Shot"]

Calculon: You let me worry about that! Just do your job.

Plastic Surgeon: Very well. Will you be using your SAG insurance?

Calculon: No, cash. [He holds out a wad of bills.] I'd like to be discreet. [The door slams open with Bender and other clamouring photographers snapping pictures of Calculon's pride.] Dear God, no!

Bender: Neat! [He takes a photo.]

Man: Get a shot of that.

Fatbot (standing outside "Robot Plastic Surgery"): Oh boy, oh boy, he's here. [A crowd is flooding in the doors.]

Crazed Fan: Calculon, I love you! Have my baby!

Calculon: Back, you lunatic! [He pushes her face and she falls over.]

Crazed Fan: He touched me!

Bender: Sign my ass! [He pulls out his ass plate and a pen as Calculon dashes off with a blanket. Surrounded by the mob, be grabs the surgeon and hurls him at the crowd. Crashes are heard. Bender groans.]

[Scene: Establishing shot of Planet Express shows the Smell-o-Scope moving around.]

Farnsworth (sniffing)(VO): Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the Calamitorium! [Leela, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg rush in. Zoidberg is whooping.] Leela, smell this.

Leela: Can I wipe it off first?

Farnsworth: No time, woman! No time!

[She plunges onto the nostril spouts and a "shlurp" noise is heard.]

Leela (sniffing): Hmm. Smells like angel dust. [She pulls off the spouts and a "pop" is heard.]

Farnsworth: Exactly! That's a discontinuous electromagnetic field. Wernstrom tried to warn me, but I was too damn stubborn! Hermes, get Wernstrom on the line so I can apologize.

[Hermes walks over to a large screen and keyboard and types in a number with a touchtone phone. The screen shows static and then Wernstrom is shown.]

Wernstrom: Ogden Wernstrom speaking.

Farnsworth (whispering): Tell him I'm not here!

Leela: Professor!

Farnsworth: Oh, very well. Wernstrom, I've been a vainglorious fool! If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, your tiny little heart, would you consider a scientific collaboration?

Wernstrom: Sir, I'd be honoured. [He stands up from his chair to reveal he is wearing a purple thong.]

[some time later. Wernstrom presses a button on a machine and a mini-anomaly is created. ]

Wernstrom: As I attempted to warn you, the laws of electromagnetism change abruptly at the anomaly. [He pulls a Pocket Pal out of his lab coat.] Observe.

Pocket Pal: Play time is fun time.

Wernstrom (while hurling the robot into the anomaly): Not this time.

Farnsworth: My heavens! If only I'd heeded your warning, I'd have known it was impossible to cross the barrier!

Wernstrom (while opening a barrel labelled "Lab Animals"): But note what happens when I instead throw this laboratory koala. [The Koala gnaws on his sleeve. he tosses the animal into the anomaly, but it passes through unscathed and flies out the window.]

Farnsworth: It passed through unharmed. [A thud is heard.] So living beings can enter the other universe, but electrical devices can't?

Wernstrom: My hypothesis exactly.

Farnsworth: Then we must mount a second expedition without delay. Right after we blow up more robots.

Wernstrom: Agreed.

[They both giddily throw robots into the anomaly and watch them explode like fire crackers.

Farnsworth: Play time is fun time.

[Scene: Calculon is in pyjamas, yawns, lays down in his bed and shuts his eyes. He immediately opens them and turns to find Bender smoking a cigar while laying next to him.

Calculon: Who are you?

Bender: Bender, your biggest fan.

Calculon: Are you going to murder me?

Bender: Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends. This diorama proves it, see? [He pulls a crudely constructed piece of himself and Calculon playing Ping Pong.]

Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker.

Bender: You shan't be disappointed. Pleasant dreams. [Calculon turns the lights off and his eyes close, but Bender's do not. Instead they extend out towards Calculon's eyes. Calculon opens his eyes and looks at Bender's as they quickly move even closer to his own.

[Scene: The White House. A Stegosaurus is eating the grass on the front lawn. Farnsworth and Wernstrom speak to Nixon in the Oval Office.]

Farnsworth: Now that I've teamed up with my friend, Dr. (spiteful tone) Wernstrom, (normal tone) I feel certain we can successfully penetrate the other universe.

Wernstrom: It's the greatest scientific opportunity since you yourself sent men to the moon in 1969.

Nixon: I always regretted that. Nothing up there but dry rocks and those revolting onion men.

Farnsworth: But...

Nixon: You East Coast intellectuals had your chance. Now beat it! From here on in, this is a military matter.

[Scene: The Nimbus is docked at the South Street Spaceport. Nixon and Agnew's body stand on a podium with Kif and Zapp Brannigan.]

Nixon: People of the universe, please welcome Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan.

[People cheering.]

Zapp: Thank you, thank you. Well deserved. (To Kif) Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller. [Kif steps into the hole and sighs.] (To crowd) Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.

[People cheering. A pan across the crowd shows Farnsworth and Wernstrom booing.]

Wernstrom: Give science a chance!

Farnsworth: Less invasions, more equations!

Nixon: Damn long-hairs. Knock some sense into them, Chief O'Hallahan.

Colleen: Yes, sir! [She blows a whistle as Smitty, URL and herself run toward the two protestors. The three begin clonking Wernstrom and Farnsworth on the head with night sticks that resemble light sabres. Cut to Fry watching Colleen beat Wernstrom in slow motion. Her helmet falls off and her long hair flies around her head as she goes in for another hit. And another. Cut back to Fry with Leela in a crowd.]

Fry (sobbing): I can't take it, Leela. I need to go away. Far away, forever.

Leela: Aw, I know how you feel, Fry. There are times when I also feel like you need to go away.

[The ship is prepped for departure as vehicles and tubes pull away from it's vicinity. People start cheering. Zapp stands on a boarding bridge and waves to the crowd as Amy talks to Kif.]

Amy: Be careful, my little, teeny, greeny weenie.

Zapp (grabbing/covering his groin): That's just a fungal infection... Oh, she's talking to you, Kif.

Kif: Goodbye, my love. [He is pulled away as the ground he stands on move them onto the ship. The engines start up and the Nimbus departs with an escort of heli/hover-copters.]

Bender (to Calculon): Wow, how come humans get to do all the fun stuff? This is exactly the sort of thing that ought to be handled by (whispering) The League of Robots.

Calculon: (He laughs.) That's adorable, Bender. You actually believe in the League of Robots?

Bender: You mean, there's really no such thing? Then who's there to mete out justice when an outdated robot is melted into belt buckles? Who's there to defend our honour when a rude human brings a blush to a robo-virgin's cheek?

Calculon: No one.

Bender: Oh.

[Zoom into a close-up of Bender's face to see a tear run down his cheek. Cut to Amy standing alone, watching the Nimbus leave for space. She turns around to face the screen and a tear runs down her cheek. Cut to Farnsworth, still being beaten by the three officers. A tear runs down his cheek. Cut to a shot of the Nimbus flying with its escort, zoom into a window labelled "Stowaway Hatch 35: Unauthorized Access Only" to reveal Fry standing in it. He looks back to face Earth and a tear runs down his cheek.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express with the anomaly lighting the night sky behind it.]

[Scene: Bender is writing a note with a feather pen on a desk in the Hangar. A candle lights his paper.]

Bender (VO): Now that I know robots are worthless, with no League of Robots to protect us from the fleshy menace known as man, I have resolved to kill myself. In lieu of flowers, please beat yourselves in the face with rusty chains. Your friend, Bender.

[He gets up and walks out of the building. On his way out, he pins his note on something. Pull back to reveal it is Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Ow.

[Scene: Bender on the street. He walks into a Suicide Booth. He pulls out his quarter on a string and gets a free death.

Suicide Booth: Please select mode of death.

Bender: Clumsy bludgeoning, please.

Suicide Booth: You have selected clumsy bludgeoning. For an additional $10, would you like your eyes scooped out with a melon-baller?

Bender: What the heck, I'll treat myself.

[Cut to the Nimbus approaching the anomaly. It brakes quite a ways in front of it. Pan to its belly. A door labelled "Lint Trap" opens and Fry is released into space with the lint. He uses his suit rockets to move toward the anomaly. Interior shot of the Nimbus.]

Zapp: Enemy in range. Prepare to launch universe-to-universe missile.

Kif: Preparing to launch U.U.M. [He grabs a small hammer hanging on the wall and breaks the glass protecting a larger hammer hanging on the wall. He grabs the larger hammer and smashes the glass protecting a large red button. He presses the button and a missile is loaded for fire in the bridge. Alarms are blaring.]

Zapp: Hell of a thing to send a universe to certain doom. Fun, though. Makes a man feel big.

[Cut to the Suicide Booth. An "In Use" label flashes on top of it with a buzzer matching its speed. Interior shot.]

Bender (tapping his foot): Come on, come on, I didn't ask to die of boredom!

[The floor turns out to be a trap door and Bender falls down it and screams. Immediately after, a hammer swings down at him, but misses and two melon ballers rotate where eyes would be.]

Suicide Booth: You are now dead. Please take your receipt. [A receipt is printed out and it lands on a large pile of other receipts.]

[Cut to a black screen. Bender is heard crashing into things and groaning in pain. A final, large crash is heard.

Bender: What's... What's happening?

[A candle is lit. Many hooded robots surround Bender.]

Hooded Robot: Kneel before the candle.

Bender: Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone!

Hooded Robot: Bender Bending Rodriguez...

[Bender whimpers.]

Calculon: [He removes his hood.] Welcome to the League of Robots!

[Bender's mouth opens up as he heavily gasps. He inhales the flame on the candle and the screen is black. Cut to Fry approaching the anomaly. He is inches from it and a reflection of himself and the Nimbus is seen in it. Massive pull back to the perspective of the Nimbus. Fry is merely a dot. Interior shot of the bridge. The missile is loaded and the hatch closes.]

Zapp: Ready? [Kif positions his finger over the launch button.] And... Fi-... [Kif hesitates to push the button. Zapp laughs.] Almost fooled you there. [Kif sighs.] Fire! [Kif scrambles and presses the button. The missile tries to launch, but it is jammed. Alarms begin blaring.]

Francine: Missile jam. Missile jam.

Zapp: I heard you the first time, Francine.

Francine: Sorry.

Zapp: Kif, climb down there and un-jam it, would you? Be a dear. [Kif sighs.] And stop sighing so much. [Kif sighs again.]

[Cut back to Bender and his trials.]

Calculon: Tell us, Bender. Are you worthy of membership in the League?

Bender: Worthier than the average robot.

Calculon: Then prove it. [Two doors slide open to reveal a very long and large stairway lit by torches.] Upon each step is a test.

Bender: Okay, but if it's culturally biased, I'm suing your ass.

Calculon: Test number one. The test of the beer mug! [British Robot places a mug on the first step.]

British Robot: Quite right, quite so.

ALL: Drink the mug! Drink the mug!

Bender: I accept your challenge. [He downs the beer and tosses the mug aside.]

ALL: Hurray!

[Bender jumps up onto the first step and Hedonism Bot is waiting for him on the second with a flagon.]

Hedonism Bot: The test of the flagon!

ALL: Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon!

Bender: Are all the tests going to involve drinking?

Calculon: It never occurred to me before, but yes.

Bender: Wohoo! Just like med school! [He drinks from the flagon and the robots cheer.]

[Cut back to the Nimbus. Zapp is sitting in his chair, twiddling his thumbs.]

Zapp: Ready yet, Kif?

Kif (tinkering with the missile, legs hanging out of the missile bay): Just give me one more... [Zapp is already pressing FIRE repeatedly. Interior shot of the missile bay shows the missile begin to correctly launch and the hatch closes. In the process, Kif's arms became stuck in the missile and his legs became stuck in the hatch door.]

Kif: Oh, no. [The missile launches and Kif's legs stretch longer and longer as he moves with the missile toward the anomaly. He is constantly groaning.]

[Cut back to Bender. He has now passed many steps and is nearing the top of the stairs.]

Billionaire Bot: The test of the infinitely priceless 1,000-year-old brandy. [A eye dropper is used to extract a drop of the brandy from a crystal bottle and he drops it in a wine glass. Bender grabs the glass, sips the brandy, crushes the glass in his hands and grabs the bottle from Billionaire Bot. He drinks all of the brandy and throws the bottle into his mouth, then belches fire and ignites Billionaire Bot's hat. Calculon opens a steel door.]

Calculon: Presenting our newest member. [He moves aside to show Bender.]

[Many robots are cheering.]

Robot: That's right, baby!

Bender: Hot diggity daffodil!

[Cut to Fry moving closer to the anomaly. Cut to the missile crossing the screen and Kif's legs stretching longer. Cut back to Fry as he moves his hand through the anamoly.]

Fry: And so, to everyone and everything I've ever known, I say my last goodbye.

[Kif reaches the anomaly with the rocket, but the rocket turns off and it stops moving.]

Kif: Hello. So, how are you, Fry?

Fry: Pretty good. You?

Kif: [He is pulled back towards the ship by his elastic legs.] Well... Oh.

[Fry sadly moves his way through the anomaly. A shot of Kif's face as he is slung back to the Nimbus is shown. Interior shot of the bridge shows Zapp making a peanut butter and jam sandwich and Kif smashes through the closed hatch and towards the rear wall. A squish is heard and green goo lands all over the room, including on Zapp's sandwich. He however does not notice it as he reaches for the other slice of bread. A takes a bite and some green goo remains on his lips.]

Zapp: Mmm. Kif, get over here. You've got to try this! [He licks the goo off his lips with his tongue.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express.]

[Scene: Amy is being consoled by Leela and Hermes in the lounge. All are in black clothing and Hermes has a kilt on. A urn filled with green goo sits on the table.]

Amy (sobbing): At least Kiffy died quickly.

Hermes: Yes, but according to the Old Farmer's Wikipedia, the amazing thing about Kif's species is that the remains continue suffering for up to six hours after death.

Amy (sobbing): That's so interesting!

Bender: Don't ask where I was last night. For all you know, I was at home, perhaps baking a strudel. What's her problem? Somebody die or something?

Leela: Kif's dead, Bender.

Bender: Nailed it!

[Scene: Amphibios 9. Amy stands in front of a table that has Kif's uniform and urn sitting on it.]

Zapp: My condolences, Amy. Allow me to present you with the last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker. [He holds a framed picture in front of her face. Kif is splattered against a wall, rocket in his chest and one arm squished off.]

Mrs. Wong: We so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Kroker. Terrible shame about Froggy.

Mrs. Kroker: Thank you for your kind words.

Mr. Wong: [He sprays a breath mind into his mouth.] Yeah, yeah, real sad. Want some breath spray? Cinnamon flavour, taste like pie. [He sprays both Mr. and Mrs. Kroker once and both of them cough while flying hook worms drop to the ground.]

Bender: [He places a wreath of flowers on Kif's urn labelled "L.O.R."] This is from the league of you-don't-need-to-know.

[The Grand Midwife elevates out of the pool of green goo in front of the table Kif's clothes rest on. Amy, Zapp and Bender are startled. Bender yelps and pulls his head into his body.]

Grand Midwife: I am the grand funeral director!

Zoidberg: Do you validate parking?

Grand Midwife: It is always a terrible tragedy when a swarm outlives its own bulboid. [She grabs Kif's urn.] So it is with great sorrow that I now commit the goo that was once Kif to the petroleum of his ancestors. [She unscrews the jar and turns it over but the goo does not drop out. She shakes it multiple times.]

Leela: Whack the bottle!

[The Grand Midwife whacks the side of the bottle.]

Hermes: No, from the bottom ! It works better!

[She whacks it from the bottom of the bottle.]

Amy (sobbing): Just stick a butter knife in it!

Grand Midwife: [She removes the goo with a butter knife.] There, I got most of it. The burial is complete. I will now sing the sacred hymn. It's not part of the ceremony, just a little something that I wrote.

[She sings in an alien language.]

Bender (interrupting the song): Next!

[Cut to Leela talking with Amy while sitting down.]

Amy: It may sound strange, but seeing Kif's mutilated remains poured into the mud made me really sad.

Leela: Mutilation is never easy.

Amy (crying): I don't think I'll ever love again.

Leela: Oh, you don't mean that. Love can surprise you at any time in your life.

Zapp: Surprise! [He motions for a kiss with his lips, but Leela punches him in the face with both hands.]

[Scene: Fry is floating through the other universe. Bolts of lightening flash around him as he travels along.]

Fry: Whoa, it kind of takes your breath away. [His Oxygen Pack displays "OXYGEN SYSTEM FAILURE" on the screen accompanied by a beeping noise, but a bolt of lightening quickly blows out the screen.]

[Scene: Fulcrum County Prism. Farnsworth and Wernstrom are locked in a cell by lasers.]

URL: Look alive, death row. Your saggy asses got a visitor. [He turns off the laser bars.]

Farnsworth: Regular or conjugal?

URL: [He shrugs.] She looked like a freak to me.

[Leela is talking to Wernstrom and Farnsworth in the Visitors room.]

Leela: The guard operating the x-ray machine came down with a sudden case of broken neck, so I was able to bring you that delicious cake you wanted. [She pulls a pink, multi-level cake out from under the table, points to her eye and blinks.]

Farnsworth: I don't understand. Are you winking or blinking?

Leela: [She sighs and pulls out a pair of LED glasses that have two eyes on the front. She uses them to wink at the two jailers.] Hang on a second.

Farnsworth: Got it!

[Scene: Bender is walks into a Horse Repair shop.]

Bender: Ahh, yes, I'm here to repair my horse.

Shop Owner: Is the horse's name (whispers) Hot Beans?

Bender: No! I mean, yes.

[The owner pushes a button behind the counter and Bender falls into a trap door. Cut to Bender in the LOR headquarters sitting in front of a fireplace with the British Robot, Calculon, Hedonism Bot and Billionaire Bot.]

British Robot: So it seems a human had been rather injured by a knife, and as his... As his blood, you know, I think that's what they call it...

Calculon: Quite correct, sir. Blather on!

British Robot: As it drained away, he said... He said, Take me to a dock. No doubt he intended to say doctor, but he was unable to complete his thought, you see, being as he had died. So, taking him at his word, we dragged his corpse to the waterfront, whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.

[All of the robots laugh.]

Bender: Humans are dumb and they die easy!

Hedonism Bot: Quite!

Billionaire Bot: Speaking of humans, have I shown you my new monocle? [He holds out his monocle.] Cost me a king's ransom. Made from a king, don't you know!

Hedonism Bot: Oh, how repulsively decadent!

Billionaire Bot: Yes. But more importantly, it allows me to see the smiling faces of my children for the first time since I lost my vision in that horrible banking accident.

Bender: May I see that for a second? [He grabs it from Billionaire Bot and examines it while walking over to a table.] My, but that's interesting! [He places it on the table and beats it with a fire pit shovel until it bursts, and then some. The other robots are stunned.]

Hedonism Bot: I say!

Billionaire Bot: I'm blind!

Calculon: My God, Bender! This is a civilized organization! The rules specifically...

Bender: [He pulls a book out of his robe titled "Robot's Rules of Order."] May I make a point of order, President Calculon?

Calculon: Must you?

Bender: Yes.

Bender: The bylaws specifically state that no human may set foot in the League of Robots! If he has a human part, he's part human!

Hedonism Bot: Oh, my! Then I too have a human part I must expel. And I plan to enjoy the experience. Ta-ta !

[Hedonism Bot walks off screen and Bender throws the book into the fire as he walks back to his chair.]

British Robot: Bender, you've rigidly applied the law with no regard for its intent. Well done! You'll go far in this organization.

Bender: Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender. [He taps on his empty glass and Boxy immediately moves from filling Calculon's glass to fill Bender's. Calculon scowls at Bender.]

[Shot of the anomaly over the prison. Farnsworth and Wernstrom stand in front of a table with the cake on it. Farnsworth presses down four of the six candles and the cake transforms into a mini Smell-O-Scope. Wernstrom aims it at the anomaly and sniffs.]

Wernstrom: Curses! If we could only turn up the gain, we might smell clear through to the other universe! But we can't adjust it without a screwdriver.

Farnsworth: Wait a moment. I think I was just shanked with a screwdriver! [He groans as he yanks a screwdriver out of his back.] Yes!

Wernstrom: A little more. A little less. Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this!

Farnsworth: Holy mother of invention!

Wernstrom: We must notify the President at once!

Farnsworth: But how can we? Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish we weren't in prison!

[A "caw" is heard. It is Pazuzu and he rises in front of Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: Pazuzu!

Pazuzu: [He lands next to them and they grab onto his front legs.] You have one wish left, Professor.

[Pazuzu flies away from the prison and the two sound scared about their current transportation. Cut to the front of the White House, Pazuzu flies towards it. Suddenly, two gunners appear on the rooftop and begin firing at the trio. Farnsworth and Wernstrom scream in fear. Pazuzu circles around the building once and retreats into the sky.]

Guard #1: I think I got him !

[Pazuzu flies by and eats Guard #1.]

Guard #2: Mmm-hmm. That's what you get for letting your guard...

[Pazuzu comes back and eats Guard #2 as well. Cut to the Oval Office, where Nixon is writing in a book.]

Nixon: Sometimes... Always... Never! You again? This better be damned important. I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey!

Farnsworth: You'll want to hear this, Mr. President. For we have sniffed where no man has sniffed before!

[Cut to Fry exiting the electrical storm and entering bare space. He is running out of air and sweating as he floats further and further into the universe motionless. A shadow covers him as he moves more and he opens his eyes in a dazed confusion. He looks around and starts wheezing in fear at what he sees. A slow pull back reveals large pink tentacles coming from a cloud-like object. An eye opens at the center of the being.]

[Scene: Back on Earth, people look and point at the anomaly. A shot of the tear shows a pink tentacle coming through it. People begin screaming and the tentacle begins moving around and splitting off into more tentacles.

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Look! Up in the sky!

Hermes: It's a bird!

Hattie McDoogal: It's a plane!

Super Hero: I am so out of here! [He flies off screen.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express. A NNYPD squared car drives by with its sirens on. Interior shot of the lounge where Amy is crying, holding the picture of Kif Zapp gave her at the funeral. A phone call comes in.]

Electronic Voice: Incoming call from Mars.

Amy (sadly): Hello?

Mrs. Wong: Why you so sad, Amy?

Amy: My husband died, Mom !

Mrs. Wong: Yeah, yeah, snap out of it already. No one likes a widow. [A pink tenticle enters the video on the telephone.] Oh, wait. Hang on. Some damn tentacle got in the screen door. [She pushes the tentacle out of the screen, but it fights back and the call goes to static and then a dial tone.]

[Cut to Zoidberg's office where Zoidberg is chowing down on food from a Chinese looking carton. A phone call comes in.]

Electronic Voice: Collect call from Decapod 10. Will you pay for color?

Zoidberg: No! Uncle Zoid! What's new? You still doing theatre for the blind and deaf?

Uncle Zoid: Screw them. I got a part in a fancy DVD movie! It's only one line, but I'm gonna ham it up like you wouldn't believe. [A, probably pink, tentacle enters the room and attacks Uncle Zoid.] What crummy sin have I committed to be chastised in such a crazy manner? [There is a final frame where Uncle Zoid looks crazy and a tentacle is behind him, then the phone goes to static.]

Zoidberg (franticly): Hello? Hello? Call me back on my shell phone! [He grabs his shell phone and patiently holds it to his ear.]

[Scene: The Nimbus is shooting at the protruding tentacles with many other ships helping it.

Zapp (VO): Captain's log, star date, the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee's. [Cut to a shot of Zapp sitting in a booth next to a window controlling the Nimbus with a joystick. The anomaly and tentacles can be seen through the window to his left.] Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella back to the kitchen and fry it some more.

[A lower quality image of the tentacles extending from the anomaly through Asteroid-esque triangles that represent Earth's defences. Pull out from the screen, Farnsworth and Wernstrom are in the Oval Office]

Nixon: The tentacle's coming towards Earth and there's no stopping it. King Kong's too old to save us this time.

[King Kong is in the room. He looks very old, has a hearing aid, glasses and a walker with tennis balls on the two front legs. He's holding a skeleton, supposedly Ann Darrow. He coughs.]

Farnsworth: We have only one hope, Mr. President. We must encase the entire planet in a protective sphere of my patented, ultra-hard Diamondium!

Wernstrom: Diamondium? (He scoffs.) I could gum through that with my dentures behind my back. My trademarked Diamondillium is twice as hard!

Farnsworth: Twice as hard as your head! Which makes it still fairly soft!

Nixon: Now look here, you Poindexters. I don't care how you decide. Just decide!

[Exterior shot of the Deathball Arena. Cut to Farnsworth wedged between a ball and the side of a hole.]

Farnsworth: Diamondillium it is.

[Scene: A sign says "Men working in space." Pan right to show many cranes moving hexagonal pieces of Diamondillium into place around Earth.]

[Scene: The LOR Headquarters, in front of the fireplace.]

Bender (standing in front of the fireplace): So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy, and, pardon my ignorance, but when do we kill all humans?

Calculon: Never.

Bender: But what about our motto? [A shot of a plaque above the fireplace that says "KILL ALL HUMANS!"] Doesn't it mean anything?

[Calculon laughs and walks over to Bender.]

Calculon: Oh, Bender, your idealism is heart-warming. But the League of Robots hasn't killed a human in over 800 years. And that was a very sick girl scout.

British Robot: Quite sick indeed.

Calculon: Sweet, innocent Bender. [He pats Bender on the head and flicks his antenna. Bender looks up at Calculon evilly.]

[Cut to Sal operating a crane, moving the last hexagonal piece into place. The shield is complete. Pull back to reveal the shot was from the Jumbotron. There are many people looking up at it. Farnsworth and Wernstrom speak into a microphone to the crowd.]

Wernstrom: I declare my impenetrable Diamondillium sphere complete! [The crowd cheers and Wernstrom waves to them.]

Farnsworth: Now look here, Wernstrom. You're making it sound as if the sphere was your idea when we both know... [Shattering glass is heard and a tentacle is through the sphere.] It was! All credit to my colleague, Ogden Wernstrom!

[The tentacle thrusts itself into the middle of a street and more tentacles begin morphing out of it, chasing screaming people down the street.]

H. G. Blob: It's horrible!

[A shot from Space Farm Insurance shows the monster attacking the city. A large tentacle slams against the glass wall and it cracks. People inside the building run away from it, screaming. Cut to the crew running from a few tentacles. Zoidberg hesitates to run, for some reason, but then starts running while whooping. He trips while running.]

Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go on without me! [Pull back to reveal he's holding onto Leela's boot.]

Leela: I'm trying! [She struggles to pull him, but slowly does.]

Zoidberg: Go on without me faster!

[Cut to a shot of tentacles ambushing a lady by trying to get into her car. A tentacle flies behind her trying to catch a man flying around with a jet pack on his back. The Planet Express ship takes off with tentacles chasing it, but then giving up when it gets out of reach. The ship speedily flies by the larger tentacles, but ends up compressing like a pop can when it reaches the Diamondillium sphere. It falls back down to the ground as the crew screams and lands in the middle of a crowd looking up at the stage the two scientists occupied earlier. The door opens on the ship and the crew exits through it. A single tentacle has the focus of the entire crowd. It takes on the form of a sphincter as it forces Fry through the tight end. He flops around, attached to the tentacle, and a liquid drips off him as people gasp.]

Hermes: Sweet squid of Madrid! The tentacle got Fry!

Leela: Quick, hand me my machete! We can still save his legs!

[A close up on Fry's closed eyes. His eyes snap open, but they are pointing off in to different directions. The crowd is heard to be in a panic.]

Fry: Silence! [The crowd goes quiet.] I have traveled far and seen deep, and I have come to know the purpose of our existence.

[Cut to] Randy: Finally.

Fry (who is now shown on the Jumbotron): Thou shalt love the tentacle!

[Cut to] Farnsworth: Well, at least we don't have to love one another.

[Establishing shot of New New York. The city has three large spouts of tentacles coming through the sphere that spread all over the city. Cut back to Fry hovering above the stage.]

Fry: A new age has begun. The age of the tentacle! [Tentacles enter into the crowd through the fire hydrants.] Open your necks and receive the love!

[People are screaming as the tentacle picks off citizen after citizen. A close-up of the tentacle grappling onto a man's neck is shown. Cut to an exit on the Tube System. Warden Vogel is the first to exit it and a tentacle attaches to his neck.]

Warden Vogel: Ow, my neck!

[The tentacle moves him away from the exit as Morgan Proctor arrives at the exit. The tentacle attaches to her neck.]

Morgan Proctor: Ow, my neck!

[The tentacle moves her away from the exit as Fishy Joe arrives at the exit. The tentacle doesn't attack him immediately.]

Fishy Joe: My neck feels perfectly... [A tentacle attaches to his neck.] Ow, my neck!

[Cut to a bus shelter. A man is grabbed by the leg by the tentacle and the tentacle attaches to his neck. Petunia is attacked by a tentacle and pulled off screen. A man on top of the bus shelter is attacked from above and pulled off screen. Mayor Poopenmeyer runs toward the shelter and slams his cheek against the glass wall. Hattie McDoogal watches him from inside of the shelter.]

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Someone help me! I'm important! [The tentacle attacks him.] Say, I love the tentacle.

Hattie McDoogal: [She is attacked as well.] I also love the neck-a-majigger!

[Establishing shot of Planet Express. A squad car drives by and the officer is picked off from the cab. The car flips over and crashes. The super hero from before flies across the screen being chased by a tentacle. A zoom in on the front doors and Leela knocks both open with one kick. She carries Wernstrom and Farnsworth over her shoulders and throws them to the ground in front of her before slamming the doors shut on the pursuing tentacles. Cut to Amy leaping through an open window. Her boot catches the ledge and she falls flat on her face. She gets up and closes the window before the tentacles enter. Cut to Hermes rushing through a door and slamming it shut. Zoidberg then crawls through a doggy door.]

Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! [He is attacked by a tentacle.] Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle! [He is pulled through the doggy door by the tentacle.]

[Cut to the lounge where the remaining crew, Wernstrom, Farnsworth, Amy, Leela and Hermes, meet up. They are all panting.]

Hermes: It got Zoidberg!

Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I'd miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.

[A knock is heard and Leela gasps. Fry is at the window.]

Fry: Thus sayeth the tentacle, "Verily, thou shalt rejoice in the house of the tentacle."

Leela: Fry, listen to yourself. You've been brainwashed.

Fry: No, I'm just trying to fit my diction to the importance of what I'm saying. Please, let me speak. [A laser points at his forehead.]

Leela (pointing a gun at Fry): I'm listening.

Fry: Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela. [He grabs part of the tentacle that is attached to him and pets it.] It's beautiful and it loves me. And I love it. [A second laser appears on his forehead and a cocking gun is heard.]

Leela (pointing two guns at Fry): Aw. That's so nice for both of you.

Fry: I know it may seem strange that I have feelings for an octopus monster from another universe. And yes, perhaps it's not the storybook romance that's been crammed down our throats by (quoting the syllables) "Hollywood." But the Monsterpus has loved us from afar since we were amoebas. [He looks up at the anomaly. Leela slips off her boot and pulls out another gun to aim at Fry's forehead while he turned away. A third laser appears on his forehead.] Only when the space anomaly opened could it finally express a billion years of longing.

Leela: [She pulls the guns away from him.] Really? It loves us that much? Fire Diamondium cannon!

[Amy presses a button. The upper level of Planet Express, the Observatory, raises up and turns to face Fry and it starts shooting diamond projectiles at him. However, Fry is able to avoid from being hit by any and the ones that do strike the tentacle simply bounce right off of it.]

Fry: Hey! [He yelps as he's constantly swung out of harm's way.

Leela: No effect. The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle like meatballs off Mothra.

Wernstrom: Oh, what a surprise. I told you Diamondium was worthless!

Farnsworth: Wernstrom, quit hyping your cheap Diamondillium and look at this.

[Farnsworth points to a panel on the center of the table with four green dots on it. The second dot is blinking yellow and beeping.

Wernstrom: Uh-oh.

Hermes: What oh?

Farnsworth: According to this blinking light, the tentacle is made of electro-matter, matter's bad-ass grandma! Nothing from our universe can cut through it. Not Diamondium, not Diamondillium, not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes! (To Wernstrom:) She's a terrible cook. (To All:) Anyway, we're all dead.

[Scene: Cut to a shot of people floating with tentacles in their necks while other people scream below, running from tentacles. Pan up to show Robot Arms Apts. Interior shot of Bender laying on the couch. A pink tentacle is through the door in Fry's room behind him.]

Bender: [He sighs.] So, Bender, is something wrong? Who said that? Oh, it was me! 'Cause my roommate doesn't notice or even care that I'm upset!

[Fry floats out of the his room wearing only his underpants and has a robe slung over his arm.]

Fry: What, Bender? Is something wrong?

Bender: Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool, but it turns out all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves, "leaguie-weegies."

Fry: I'm sorry. I should've asked what was bothering you. [A shot of Fry's back reveals the tentacle reaching from Fry's upper neck to lower spine in a very scar-like manner.] I've been kind of preoccupied.

Bender: With what?

Fry (While putting on his vestment.): Well, I went to another universe, and I fell in love with a giant octopus, and now I'm pope of a new religion.

Bender: Weren't you already pope of something?

Fry: [He puts on his Pope hat.] No.

Bender: Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you to show an interest in my life, too.

Fry: Okay, let's catch up soon. But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle into everyone in China. [He squeezes/yanks on the tentacle and is yanked through the window of the apartment and out into space.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express.]

Linda (Screaming): They're coming! Those horrible, horrible things are coming! (Calm) Morbo?

[Cut to] Morbo: As the universe falls prey to the revolting alien, only a few isolated pockets of resistance remain.

[Linda laughs off-screen as both are shown beside each other again. She has a tentacle in her neck.]

Linda: Those pockets sure are missing out on a great thing.

[Linda smiles at Morbo, he nervously laughs and adjusts his cue cards and then runs off screen. The station goes to static, then an off-air calibrating screen.]

[Scene: The crew is sleeping in front of the TV that now emits a constant tone. They are snoring. Pan over to Amy, sleeping in a chair on a table with a machine gun in her hands. She suddenly wakes up and starts firing randomly. Leela reacts and starts firing as well. Scruff, Wernstrom and Farnsworth enter the fetal position to avoid being hit. The random shooting continues. And continues. Then stops.]

Leela: Amy?

Amy: Sorry. I thought I saw a tentacle, but it was just a harmless land squid. [She points to a land squid as it squeals and shuffles back into a hole in the wall. She sighs as she walks over to the cocoffee machine.] I better have some cocoffee.

[When Amy pulls down the lever on the machine a tentacle comes out of the spout. She drops the mug she's holding and runs screaming from the tentacle by a door. The door slides open and Hermes waddles through it holding his shirt over his groin as he was interrupted in the washroom by a tentacle entering through the toilet.]

Hermes: When I gave up diapers, my parents promised exactly this would never happen!

Leela: Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room! [Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Wernstrom go through the door while Leela holds off the pursuing tentacles.]

[Scene: A church, decorated by dark purple tentacles. Many pink ones move around through the front door. Interior shot. Fry is sitting on an altar with Zoidberg at his side. Many people sit in the pews, listening to Fry.]

Fry: Well done, people! We had a great first week. We got 90% of world leaders, everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt, and this year's most promising new R&B group, give it up for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics!

[Pan up to the floating foursome.]

The Funkalistics: [They harmonize.] (singing) Talkin' 'bout the tentacle!

[Cut to Planet Express. Leela struggles to stay away to protect the remaining crew. She grabs a can labelled "Red Minotaur" and drinks it. A red glow is seen as she swallows it.]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I was up all night inventing, and then finally, I invented!

Amy: Invented what?

Farnsworth: [He holds up half of a toilet paper tube with an elastic attached to each side.] The neck protector, [He holds up a smaller version.] the neck protector junior, and now, for a limited time, [He holds up a version with a flower on it.] the lady neck protector!

[The crew walks over to the box filled with them. Scruffy is missing from the pack, however.]

Hermes: I'll take two. My neck is huge.

[Everybody puts on their neck protector.]

Farnsworth (Typing on the keyboard.): We're perfectly safe now. Time to stop living like a bunch of nervous nellies. [A diagrams on the screen shows a dotted line disappearing from around the building. "SECURITY SYSTEM OFFLINE" flashes on the screen.]

Leela: [She examines the invention.] Professor, these look like you cut them from cardboard toilet paper tubes.

Farnsworth: So? [The hangar doors retract open.] Lots of important inventions are made from toilet paper tubes. [Farnsworth looks back to the keyboard and screen and Leela spots a tentacle in Farnsworth's neck.] Microscopes, the internet, tentacle polish...

Leela: It got the professor!

[Farnsworth laughs dementedly. Many tentacles enter the building behind him and the crew screams.]

Hermes: Wait, why am I screaming? It got me, too! [He floats up to Farnsworth.]

[Only Leela and Amy are left and they dash away from the tentacles. Exterior shot of Planet Express. Leela is a passenger on Amy's hover board as they smash out the side window and take off down the street. Wernstrom chases them with the aid of a tentacle in his neck.]

Wernstrom: Stop, in the name of love!

[Neato 3D chase scene. Amy takes a hard left past a street sign and Wernstrom gets his tentacle tangled around it.]

[Scene: The town is now completely overtaken by the tentacle. People float around town doing their usual thing. Leela pokes her head out from an alley. Cut to inside the alley, Leela walks over to Amy and sits down next to her.]

Leela: Crud. We may be the last two normal people on Earth. At least I won't have to trim my elbow talons anymore.

Amy (Crying): I'm scared! And I miss Kif!

Leela: It's okay to cry, Amy. Come here, I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps. [They hug.]

Zapp: [He pops the top of his head out of a dumpster.] Mmm. What an erotic display of girl-on-girl consolation.

Leela: Zapp?

Zapp: Hurry, Leela, we don't have much time to begin repopulating Earth. Go brush your teeth. I'll be waiting for you naked under this keh-sih-dill-uh. [He places the Mexican treat on his head and saunters back down into the dumpster. Hermes floats into the alley with a gang of tentacles around him. Amy, Leela and Zapp gasp.]

Hermes: Stop resisting, my brethren! Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourselves? Like a big crazy monster? [Zapp whimpers.]

[Cut to the church.]

Fry: So we got her, huh? Bring her in!

Zoidberg: Do it already! [He motions at someone.]

[Colleen is dragged down the aisle by Scruff and Smitty.]

Fry: Hello, Colleen.

Colleen: Fry, please!

Colleen: If this is about your futon, I sold it to pay the phone bill that you skipped out on!

[A phone bill is shown. It is 254 pages long and all of the calls seem to be made to DIAL-A-JOKE at $0.79 each. The total is $6421.12. Cut back to the church. Colleen is dropped on the ground in front of Fry.]

Fry: Colleen wasn't satisfied with me. Were you, Colleen?

Colleen: Come on, Fry, this isn't cool!

Fry: She had to have four other boyfriends! I guess she never thought I'd become tentacle pope of the world!

Colleen: You know what? It's true! You weren't enough for me! No one man is! You were great, but you weren't Chinese, you weren't Cameroonian, and you certainly were not the "king of karaoke," as you so often claimed. [Fry is aghast.] And if your ego can't take that, then you don't deserve to be tentacle pope of anything!

Fry (Raising into the air with clenched fists.): Oh, yeah, Colleen? Well, I've got one thing to say to you. [He lowers down to her.] (Calm) I completely agree!

Colleen (Confused): You, you... What?

Fry (Walking with Colleen.): Why should you be satisfied with one man when love needs to share itself with the whole universe?

Colleen: Wow, Fry. You know, that's really... [Fry moves a tentacle in front of her face and she shrieks as it grabs onto her neck.]

Fry: Love the tentacle, honey.

Colleen: I do love the tentacle.

Fry: Come on out, guys! [Chu, Schlomo, Ndulu and Bolt come out of hiding.] There's enough love for everybody! [They all hug and raise into the air higher.]

Zoidberg: Aw. [He throws up salt water fish and a duck with water into two buckets. The duck flaps it feathers and quacks.]

[Scene: A pan across a city street into an alley where Leela, Zapp and Amy are running from three tentacles. Cut to a tunnel with stairs and a railing in the middle. Leela and Amy successfully mount the pole and slide down to the bottom, but Zapp misses it and slides down the stairs on his butt. Cut to another alley/rooftop where the three reach a ledge. Zapp is holding his rear. Leela and Amy leap over the ledge and land in an alley below it.]

Amy: We're trapped!

[Zapp grunts as he lands poorly after jumping off the ledge. People float along with tentacles in the streets in front of them.]

Leela (Into her Wristlomojacker): Help, help! Is anyone out there?

Bender (Over Leela's Wristlomojacker): Bender to Leela. I read you. [Pull out, Bender is leaning against the wall a couple of feet away from them.] (Direct) 'Sup, bigboots?

Leela: Bender, we need a place to hide!

Amy: Please!

Zapp: Pretty please!

Bender (Laughing): You humans are so cute when you're scared. In here.

Destructor (Leaning against a building): My leg feels funny!

[Scene: In the LOR Secret HQ. Boxy is pouring Bender a glass of red "Serial Port" wine.]

Bender: Humans are disgusting! I opened one up once. I almost barfed.

Destructor: Did you know their hair just keeps growing and growing? My leg feels funny!

[Zoom into and through Destructor's leg. Zapp, Amy and Leela are squished inside of in and there are many spinning gears around them.]

Amy: Leela, you're crushing me with your rock-hard butt.

Leela: Sorry.

Zapp: [A close view of his face. It is moving back and forth.] Mmm. I can only imagine what rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me. [Pull back to reveal it is a actuator ramming into the back of his head.]

Calculon: Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad?

British Robot: Please do. I fear I'll catch a rust from this awful damp.

[Calculon turns up the thermostat greatly and the fireplace spits out 20 feet of fire. Bender's wine begins to boil. {His robe remains though, that's weird.} He sips on his wine and sighs in satisfaction. Cut to interior shot of Destructor's leg. The three are sweating profusely.]

Zapp: I can't take it! I'm being steamed in my own velour!

[Leela shushes him.]

Bender: Death to humans!

[The three fall out of Destructor's leg.]

Destructor: My leg feels better!

Amy: Hi, Bender.

Calculon: Bender, you know these humans?

Bender: Of course not! Who are you humans and why am I pointing you to the exit? [He rushes them towards a hallway.] Go, go, go!

Leela (While running away.): Thanks for everything, Bender! [A bookshelf slides in front of the path they escaped from.]

Bender: Death to all of you!

Calculon: Bender, methinks thou doth protest too much.

Hedonism Bot: It seems Bender hates humans the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial sandpaper.

[Hedonism Bot giggles and the rest of them laugh at Bender.]

British Robot (Laughing): Quite right.

Calculon (Laughing): It's okay, Bender, to err is human.

[The robots laugh again.]

Bender: Sir, you forget yourself!

[Bender removes his hand and slaps Calculon across the face with it. The other robots gasp. Bender reattaches his hand.]

Bender: I challenge you to a duel on the field of honor.

Hedonism Bot: Oh, my... [He puts his hand on his forehead and faints, falling onto Boxy and crushing him. Boxy frantically beeps, but they slow in speed and pitch and eventually stop.]

[Scene: Amy, Leela and Zapp are running through a forest. They stop running.]

Zapp: Leela, it's getting dark. We may have to make a tent out of Amy's skin.

Amy: Look, there's an abandoned cabin!

Zapp: Even so.

[Zapp opens the door and the three enter the cabin.]

Leela: We're in luck. This must have been the cabin of a soup bootlegger back in the days of soup prohibition.

Zapp: [He drinks a ladle-full of soup.] Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone.

[Cut to a later time at night. Amy is sitting outside on the steps of the cabin. She is grieving.]

Amy (Sobbing)': Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever!

[Zapp exits the cabin and stands behind her.]

Zapp: Ditto on the grief there, Amy.

Amy: You miss him, too?

Zapp: [He sits next to her.] More than you, as his mere wife, could ever understand. He was my fourth lieutenant, for God's sake, and bore the peppermill at the captain's table.

Amy: Really?

Zapp (sobbing): Oh, Amy, I miss him so! Hardly a month goes by that I don't think of him. But you know, in a way, he's still with us. [Amy looks around.] Do you feel his presence?

Amy (Crying): I'm not sure.

Zapp: It's over here. [Amy moves closer to Zapp and looks around more.] Closer.

[Establishing shot of the cabin. It is morning. Pan over to a humming Leela. She is pulling a bucket of Chicken Noodle soup out of a well. Cut to Leela inside the cabin. She knocks on two closed doors and carries a pan with three bowls of soup on it.]

Leela: Amy! Zapp! I fetched up some fresh soup!

[The second door opens as she knocks on it and sees Zapp and Amy in the same bed. She gasps and drops the pan. Amy and Zapp awake and gasp too.]

Zapp: Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela. I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first. [Two tentacles sneak up behind the two of them and Leela points at them. She is too scared to speak.] As my ex-lover, you're naturally shocked and jealous, but you may well get your chance again someday. How about today at 4:00?

[They are both attacked by the tentacles.]

Amy: Hey, this isn't so bad.

Zapp: She's right. Leela, you must try the tentacle. It's like my soul is wearing a velour body glove.

[A tentacles breaks through the floor, wraps around Leela and tries to attach itself to her neck, but she dodges it.]

Leela: Get off me! I'm saving my neck for a rich, handsome Dracula.

[She slips out from its grip and the end of the tentacle gets caught in a knot and part of it falls off. It flaps around at Leela's feet like a fish out of water.]

[Establishing shot of Planet Express. The city around it is draped with tentacles.]

[Scene: Farnsworth and Hermes are playing a multi-level Pac Man/Checkers board game in the lounge.]

Farnsworth: What I love most about the tentacle is that I don't need to move my bowels anymore. It's all handled by that family in Evanston.

[A bulge escapes his neck through the tentacle and works its way along the tentacle. Cut to Leela scaling the side of Planet Express on that same tentacle. The bulge moves past her as she walks up the wall. She pushes herself away from the wall and swings closer to an open window and leaps for it. She grabs on and pulls herself in. She sneaks around with the lights off over to a microscope and places the end of the tentacles under the lens.]

Leela: No, it can't be. [The lights flick on.]

Farnsworth (With many tentacles behind him): Leela, what's your favourite thing about the tentacle? [He gasps and the tentacles react to it.] You don't have a tentacle! Get her! Get her some love!

[The tentacles swarm towards Leela as she whimpers.]

[Establishing shot of the church. A bird flies by the tower and a tentacle comes off the building and grabs it by the neck, causing it to squawk.]

[Scene: Fry is is a dressing room. Makeup is being applied to him by Amy and Colleen is decorating his tentacles with flowers.]

Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff? [The staff moves up and down and a slide whistle is heard.]

Fry: The tentacle monster is about to address the world. It's too serious.

Zoidberg: Oh. [The staff moves down and a slide whistle is heard again.]

Leela (From the doorway): Hello, Fry.

Fry: Leela? How did you get past my sumo ninjas?

Leela: I told them something so shocking that they let me by.

Fry: What's that?

Leela: I love the tentacle. [She turns a little to reveal a tentacles is in her neck.]

[Cut to Zoidberg in front of a camera. Fry sits in a chair on the alter behind him, ready to speak to his congregation.]

Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two... What? We're already rolling?

Fry: Love the tentacle!

ALL: Love the tentacle!

Fry: Loved ones, the Monsterpus has revealed unto me its name.

Morbo: What is our love's name?

Fry: Yivo. Yivo is the lover of all beings, male and female. But Yivo has no gender, thus Yivo has proclaimed that instead of "he" or "she," we are to use the word "shklee." And instead of "him" or "her," we are to use the word "shklim," or "shkler."

Hermes: Phew! I've been sweating the nomenclature all week.

Fry: So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo!

[The congregation cheers.]

Colleen: Yay, Yivo!

[Fry raises off the ground, spreads his arms wide and opens his mouth. A tentacles comes out of his mouth.]

Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.

Zoidberg: Where?

Yivo: Here.

Zoidberg: I had a hunch.

Yivo: I am Yivo. In your universe, you are many, but in my universe, I am one. [On the Jumbotron, people are watching him.] For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude, content with my job and my stamp collecting, [On a TV on the Nude Planet Bar.] but then I looked across immensity [On a TV in Lrrr's house.] and saw the big bang, and I was, like, [Back at the church.] "Whoa, who's that?" And I knew then that I was lonely.

Morbo (Crying): You poor monster!

Yivo: Then your emissary Fry came unto me, and he, too, was lonely. So I reached into your universe that we might feel each other's touch.

Leela: [She stands up.] Hey, Yivo, feel this.

[Leela yanks out his tentacle and shows that it is just an Apex Garden Hose. She sprays Yivo {Fry's face} and they fall to the ground. The crowd gasps and Leela rushes the alter and kicks Fry in the face.]

Yivo: Ow!

Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news.

Yivo: Hey, butt out! This is between me and everyone else in existence.

Leela: Yivo talks a lot about love, but what he's actually doing...

Hermes: What shklee's actually doing.

Leela: ...is mating with you! [The congregation murmurs to each other. She pulls out and holds up the sample she used.] These aren't tentacles. They're genticles.

Fry: Ew! [Exterior shot of the church. The tentacles entering it are being moved and pulled on. Interior shot, where Fry is ripping off his robe.] We've been had, people. The Monsterpus is a monster perv.

Randy: It touched me in a bad place, my spinal cord.

Fry: Get him! [He points at his own face.]

Hermes: You mean, get shklim!

[The crowd yells and rushes the alter.]

Fry: Hey, wait a second.

[The crowd attempts to beat on Yivo, but end up beating Fry in the process.

Yivo: Wait, wait. Allow me to explain. [Hermes kicks Fry again and Yivo groans.] Granted, at first I desired only to bang out a quick cheap one with your universe, [Yivo/Fry stands up.] but it's your own fault. Your universe dresses provocatively.

Hattie: Does not! [She whacks Fry with her purse.]

Yivo: And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off, I realized there was more to it. I knew then that the 20 quadrillion of you were my soul mate.

Zapp: We loved you, and you turn around and treat us like some sort of woman? [Amy punches him in the stomach.]

Yivo: I was lonely. I didn't even know there was anybody else. It's not like I hurt anyone.

Amy: Yes, you did, you dumb calamari!

Yivo: Who?

Amy (Sobbing): Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru! If he hadn't tried to kill you, he'd still be alive!

Yivo: Really? I'm... I'm deeply sorry. I... I'm a big clumsy jerk!

Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I? [He chuckles.]

Yivo: I can never undo what was done. Oh, wait. I can.

[Cut to Amphibios 9. A tentacle plunges into the pool where Kif rests and starts sucking up goo. It is transported to Earth and into the church. Yivo begins yelching as a mass builds up behind Fry's neck. It works its way through and Kif is thrown up covered in goo, naked. The crowd gasps.]

Amy: Kiffy, you're alive! [They hug.]

Kif: Amy, my love.

Zapp: [He clears his throat.] This is awkward.

Kif: It is? Why? [The three share a stare and Amy sheepishly smiles at Kif. He sighs in disgust.]

Yivo: Please, please, give me another chance. We rushed into this relationship, but let's start over as friends and see where things go.

[Yivo pulls himself out of Fry's neck first, then out of everybody else's necks. The tentacles around them retreat as well and the church turns back into a park.]

Amy: Take me back, Kif?

Kif: I don't think I can. How could you? My body wasn't even warm yet.

Amy: You were dead.

Kif: For about five minutes.

Zapp (Sticking his head into the conversation): That's all it takes.

[Scene: On a park near water, Calculon and Bender prepare to duel.]

Hedonism Bot: Whereas Calculon has sullied Bender's reputation by insinuating that he is a human-lover, a duel is hereby engaged. Bender, as the offended party, shall have choice of weapon.

Bender: Planetary annihilators.

[British Robot opens a case and Bender and Calculon grab a weapon each.]

Calculon: 'Tis a grave and solemn day for the League of Robots.

Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun! [He cocks his weapon.]

Hedonism Bot: Each duellist will take 10 paces, pirouette, and fire like a madman. [Bender and Calculon stand back to back.] Gentlebots, take your paces.

[They begin walking on queue.]

Bender: One, two, three...

Hedonism Bot: Oh, how dreadfully exciting. [He pulls out an electric sander and sands his nipples and giggles.] Oh, yes.

[Scene: Members of a committee sit at a table in the White Hose.]

Zapp: At 0800 hours, we received the following transmission from Yivo. [He plays a message on an answering machine.]

Yivo: Hey, it's Yivo. [He chuckles.] Want to do something Friday? Call me. [The message ends and the machine beeps.]

Nixon: Analysis?

Fry: Mr. President, I think we need to seriously consider the possibility of going on this date.

Miss Vega 4: I agree. Yivo makes me feel sexy, and I'm asexual.

[They all agree.]

Zapp: Very well, but no sugar on the first date.

Nixon: All in favour? [Most people raise their hands.] All opposed? [Only one hand is raised.] Motion is carried.

Three Eyed Zebra: This is bogus, man.

[Cut back to the duel.]

Bender: ...six, seven, eight!

[Bender suddenly turns around, closes one eye, takes aim and fires once at Calculon. Calculon groans as his arm disappears. The shot continues on through a tree, then a body of water. It enters the city, traveling through multiple building and is growing in size. An interior shot shows Adlai Atkins examining a wart on a man's nose. Suddenly the shot flies through the wall of the building and vaporizes the man, leaving only his wart, which floats down to the ground. Cut back to a moaning Calculon.]

Bender: Nine, ten, fire. Yes, I got him! Wohoo!

Calculon: He... He broke the rules.

Bender: It's a duel, silly. There are no rules.

Hedonism Bot: Actually, there are scores of rules. All laid out with minute particularity here in the Code Duello.

[Another shot is fired, this one at the book. It vaporizes the text and Hedonism Bot gasps.]

[Cut to Nixon speaking on a TV screen.]

Nixon: My fellow Earthlicans, commence preparations for our date with Yivo.

[A montage begins, with the song "I, Yi, Yi, Yi, Yi (I Like You Very Much)" by Carmen Miranda. A shot of tentacles traveling together through with roses and chocolates is shown. Next is Fry shaving his face. Next is Zapp shaving his legs in a bathtub. Kif stands by his side with a towel. Next is Zoidberg hideously shaving barnacles off his back. The music changes to "Jungle Boogie" by Cool and the Gang and the next shot is four scenes in one. The next shot is nine scenes in one of people dancing with Yivo. The next shot is 64 scenes in one. List of characters.

ALL YIVOS: I had a wonderful time.

ALL NOT YIVO: Me, too!

[Cut to the LOR HQ. Calculon has a cover over his arm hole and stands in front of the fireplace.]

Calculon: Bender, you've cheated, insulted and maimed me.

Bender: Uh-huh.

Calculon: And thoroughly destroyed our own secret headquarters in the process. [Pull back to show a large hole