Transcript:Xmas Story

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Transcript for
Xmas Story
Written byDavid X. Cohen
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Based On a True Story.]
[Scene: Catskills Lodge. Fry, Leela, Bender, Farnsworth, Zoidberg, and Amy are on a ski holiday. The room is packed with people waiting for a show.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Conan O'Brien's head.

[The audience cheer.]

O'Brien: Thank you, thank you. Let's get started. Max, play me over. [Max Weinberg's head is just a skull in a jar. O'Brien gasps.] Looks like someone forgot to feed Max. [Bender spits his drink out and laughs.] So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh?

Bender: No, they fixed that 900 years ago.

O'Brien: Just bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm walking to work this morning--

Bender: I doubt it!

O'Brien: Listen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2012 but I've still got something you'll never have: A soul!

Bender: Eh.

O'Brien: And freckles! [Bender cries.] Well, I'm out of material. You can catch me next week at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut. Enjoy your breakfast.

[The audience applauds.]
[Scene: Catskill Mountains. The staff are geared up for skiing. They walk away from the lodge.]

Bender: Ah, let's face it: Comedy's a dead art form. Now, tragedy... [He laughs.] That's funny!

Farnsworth: Come on, everyone. Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the mouldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.

Amy: Yeah!

Leela: Great idea!

Zoidberg: We can only hope!

[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela are on the ski lift.]

Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.

Leela: Actually it did. But thank God nuclear winter cancelled it out.

[The lift tips them off and they ski over to Bender.]

Fry: Hi!

Bender: Enough of your mindless chitchat, let's get going.

[Hermes and Zoidberg are on the ski lift but it isn't moving.]

Hermes: Jah damnit! We're stuck.

Zoidberg: [shivering] At least you're not cold-blooded!

[He puts a glove over his mouth.]

Hermes: Sweet lion of Zion! Look at the Professor go.

[He points at Farnsworth who skis expertly down the slope. He is actually asleep.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela ski.]

Fry: Look out! We're heading straight for those trees!

Leela: Yeah, yeah, relax. Trees down.

Trees: [mechanical voice] Trees down.

[The trees go down and Fry and Leela ski over them.]

Fry: Cool. Hey, what do you do if you want the trees up?

Trees: [mechanical voice] Trees up.

[The trees go up and one takes Fry with it.]

Fry: [hoarse] Trees down!

Trees: [mechanical voice] Trees down.

[They go back down and Fry gets buried under the snow with one. Bender speeds past on a snowboard. He is wearing a red and blue hat and has a cigar in his mouth.]

Bender: Lookin' good, meatball!

[A man skis alongside Bender.]

Man #1: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.

Bender: Lick my frozen, metal ass. [He laughs.] Uh-oh!

[He falls over the edge of a cliff and screams as he falls towards a frozen lake. Children skate on the ice. Bender plummets straight through the surface. The ice around cracks and the children fall in. They scream.]

Child: [shouting] Mommy!

[Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another. He comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled car and Fry stands behind him.]

Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!

Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab, a thousand years ago there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.

Fry: Yup, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

Hermes: A true inspiration for the children. [A buzzer goes off and the gates open. The bobsled doesn't move forward and it tips over.] Um, a little help please? [Zoidberg pushes the bobsled and it slides down the track upside-down.] [screaming] Nooo!

[Zoidberg laughs, slips, falls and slides down the track after Hermes. Fry laughs.]

Fry: Oh, what the hell! [He takes a run up and slides after Hermes and Zoidberg. He hits something at the bottom.] Ow!

[Scene: Catskills Lodge. Amy chats up a man in a cast.]

Amy: You poor man. What happened to you?

Man #2: Well, there I was on the triple diamond slope, when suddenly--

Amy: Oh, excuse me. [She runs over to a man in a whole body cast.] Hello, there!

[Farnsworth skis into the lodge and wakes up to discover a bronze medal around his neck.]

Farnsworth: Wha?

[Time Lapse. The staff all sport various injuries and sit around a blazing fire with their feet up.]

Bender: Ah! Nothing like a warm fire and a Super Soaker of fine cognac.

[He squirts some into his mouth.]

Fry: Yeah, it really puts you in the Christmas spirit.

Farnsworth: What-mas?

Fry: Christmas. You know? X-M-A-S.

Leela: Oh, you mean Xmas. You must be using an archaic pronunciation. Like when you say "ask" instead of "aks".

Fry: Xmas, huh? [He sighs.] Y'know, this'll be my first Xmas away from home.

Leela: Hey, hey. Let me aks you something: Would it cheer you up if we went and cut down an Xmas tree?

Fry: Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree!

[Scene: Forest. Fry seems disappointed that Xmas trees are palm trees.]

Fry: Hey! These aren't Xmas trees!

Farnsworth: Eh, wha?

Fry: They're supposed to be some kinda, you know, pine tree.

Farnsworth: Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty. [He takes his coat off, exposing his naked body to all.] Ah! Brisk!

Fry: This isn't the way Christmas is supposed to be.

Farnsworth: There, there.

[He leans against Fry and pats his shoulder.]

Fry: Everything's changed.

Leela: That's not true.

[She swings an axe and a laser on the end cuts through a palm tree. It falls.]
[The ship flies across New New York with the Xmas tree tied to the roof. It lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Zoidberg puts down a box marked "Xmas Decorations" and cuts the tape with his claw. Bender rocks back and forth in a chair with Nibbler on his lap.]

Bender: [singing] : Xmas tree, oh, Xmas tree! Bah-boo-bee-boo-bah-bee-boh.

[Leela sits on the arm of a couch in front of the fire and Fry sits next to her on the couch. The Xmas tree is in the middle of the room. Farnsworth leads a string of lights around the bottom of the trunk. Amy takes a star out of a box and uses a jet pack to get to the top of the tree. She hits her head on the ceiling.]

Amy: Ow!

Fry: Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose for goose burgers and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. [Amy flies around the room and crashes.] This dumb holiday just makes me think of all the things I left behind. Let's just stop talking about Xmas.

[Enter Hermes with some envelopes.]

Hermes: Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas! [The staff gather around.] Amy, there you go. Fry, Professor, Zoidberg, a mighty haul for Bender.

Bender: Yes! I got the most! I win Xmas!

Hermes: And last, but not least, the sweet flower of the office: Me. Hermes Conrad.

[Leela is disappointed. Bender looks at his card. On the front is an ASCII Xmas tree.]

Bender: Hmm. [He opens the card. The message reads "Merry Xmas Son #1729". With it is a photo of a robotic arm.] Ah, a picture of my mommy.

Zoidberg: Huh? What's this? [His card it shaped like a lobster.] A card from my cousin Zoidfarb. [The message reads "Santa "Claws" Cousin Zoidfarb". Zoidberg chuckles.] Instead of "Claus" he writes "Claws"! Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card.

[Leela watches the others. She sighs and walks out.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela opens her locker and gets out a photo album. She looks at photos of her childhood. One shows her as a baby in an area marked "Abandoned Property". Another shows her outside the Orphanarium, smiling. Children point at her and laugh. Another shows her at her senior prom with no date. She closes the album and a tear falls onto it.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room.]

Fry: What's the point of Xmas when everyone you know died a thousand years ago? I'm the loneliest person on Earth. [Enter Leela, drying her tears.] Hey, Leela, how 'bout a little sympathy here, huh? [She runs out crying more.] Yoiks! What was that about?

Amy: Fluh! She's an orphan.

Farnsworth: Yes, and the only one of her species in all the known universe. What a lonely life.

[He walks away, shaking his head.]

Fry: My God! Poor Leela.

Bender: [upbeat] Hey, buddy, heard you needed cheering up! Well, old Bender'll make you laugh. [He dances around.] Look at me, look! [He scats and Fry bursts into tears.] Oh, man, I gotta work on my act!

[Time Lapse. Fry has taken off his jacket.]

Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela was lonely as a frog. I could kick myself.

Amy: I'll do it for you.

[She kicks him in the shin.]

Fry: Ow! Thanks.

Farnsworth: You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela's a cyclops.

[He is actually talking to Hermes.]

Hermes: Fry's over there, man.

Farnsworth: Oh?

[He adjust his glasses and looks around the room. Bender sits in a chair with his feet up.]

Bender: Xmas Eve; another pointless day where I accomplish nothing.

[He slurps brandy and turns the TV on to the news.]

Linda: [on TV] The holiday season is a time of celebration for most. But it is also a time to remember the tragic suffering of the less fortunate.

Morbo: [on TV] Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering.

[He cackles. Linda chuckles.]

Linda: [on TV] Earlier today I visited a shelter for down-and-out robots. [The TV picture cuts to a robot shelter.] Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.

[Bender heads for the door.]

Amy: Where are you going, Bender?

Bender: To volunteer at a liquor kitchen for homeless robots.

Hermes: Yeah, right! As if you ever did anything charitable.

Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood?

Fry: Whose blood?

Bender: Some guy's.

[He leaves.]

Fry: I've got to do something to show Leela how sorry I am.

Zoidberg: So what's the problem? Just get down on your claws and do the apology dance.

[He starts scuttling and singing.]

Fry: So it's left, left, right-- Wait! I have a better idea! I'll go out and get her the perfect Xmas present. Something so great she'll never want to be unhappy again.

Hermes: Just be back by sundown, mon.

Fry: We'll see. I like to haggle.

Amy: You can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll be killed!

Fry: Say what?

Farnsworth: Good Lord! He doesn't know about Santa Claus.

Fry: I know about Santa Claus.

[He winks.]

Farnsworth: Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company built a robotic Santa to determine who'd be naughty and who'd been nice and distribute presents accordingly. But something went wrong.

Fry: Wow! 2801! Anyway...

[He turns to leave.]

Farnsworth: Wait, you fool! Due to a programming error, Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone to be naughty.

Amy: If he catches you after dark, he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys from his sack of horrors.

[Fry gulps.]

Farnsworth: Nice meeting you.

[Scene: New New York City Street. Bender is dressed as a homeless robot, wearing a torn woollen hat and fingerless gloves. He walks into Our Motherboard of Mercy Liquor Kitchen.]
[Cut to: Our Motherboard of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is greeted by the Preacherbot.]

Preacherbot: Welcome, brother! May the blessings of the season be upon you.

Bender: Yeah, yeah, amen. Listen, I'm one of those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing about. Could you point me to the free booze. [The Preacherbot points.] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

[Scene: Alien Overlord & Taylor. The department store advertises an Xmas Sale with "3% Off".]

Fry: There's this girl who I really like but she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help me?

Salesman #1: Yeah, there's a suicide booth in the food court. Though there's a line this time of year.

Fry: No, I need to get her a gift. And I need it before sundown.

Salesman #1: Well, you can't go wrong with something traditional. [He picks something up.] A Surface-to-Santa rocket launcher. It comes with three jolly-seeking missiles.

[Fry laughs.]

Fry: That's funny!

[A missile points itself at Fry.]

Salesman #1: Careful, sir!

[Scene: Our Motherboard of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender finishes off his seventh bowl of liquor.]

Bender: Oh, yeah! You filthy hobos sure know how to live. [He turns to another robot.] Hey, chief, someone's stealing your handkerchief full of crap.

[The robot turns around and Bender steals his bowl. A little robot with a leg missing holds out a bowl to the Preacherbot.]

Tinny Tim: Excuse me, sir? Might I have a sip of booze?

Preacherbot: I'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out early tonight.

Tinny Tim: I understand.

[He turns, coughs, and limps away.]

Bender: My God! That poor kid!

[He laughs.]
[Scene: Joe's Ark Pet Store.]

Fry: You're the last store open. I need something for my friend Leela. [He looks at an eight-legged sausage dog, Bongo the rabbit from Life in Hell and a tiny giraffe in a birdcage. He doesn't like any of them.] Just give me your best animal.

Salesman #2: Best? Well that's a matter of opinion. I personally like the Electric Snail.

[He picks up the snail in a jar. The shell sparks like a Jacob's ladder.]

Fry: That's a stupid animal. You're stupid! I said I want the best one. Now which costs more? The parrot or the Stink Lizard?

Salesman #2: The lizards are a buck each, the parrot is $500.

[Fry whistles.]

Fry: That's a hell of a good parrot. Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

Salesman #2: Sir, the store is closing in two minutes.

Fry: Alright, I'll take the 500 lizards. No, wait, yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes! The parrot!

[The parrot squawks.]
[Scene: Outside Joe's Ark Pet Store. Fry walks away with his parrot and the shop closes.]

Fry: Well, I spent every penny I had but I bet Leela's gonna love you. [The parrot squawks.] Hey, you're quite the talker, aren't you? [It squawks again.] Shut the hell up! [It bites his nose.] Ow! [He drops the cage and the parrot flies out.] Stupid bird! I know where you live.

[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy ties a ribbon around a present. She holds the knot with her finger and Zoidberg cuts off the excess. On the other side of the room, Farnsworth and Hermes play chess naked. Enter Leela.]

Amy: Hey, it's Leela.

Leela: Sorry I stormed out before. I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.

Farnsworth: Huh? You were gone?

Leela: It's just that I get tired of Fry always only thinking of himself.

Hermes: I hear that! I aks him to set the table, instead he goes out to buy you a present. Selfish dog.

Leela: Wait! You mean he's still out? His life's in danger!

Zoidberg: Why?

Leela: I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town!

[Scene: New New York City Street. The parrot flies towards a tall building with a large digital clock face. Fry looks up at it from the street.]

Fry: Alright, bird, you thought you could beat me in a game of wits. But you just met your equal.

[Cut to: Outside Building. Fry opens a hatch and steps out onto the clock face. He drops the cage and gulps. The parrot edges away from him. He steps closer to it. The parrot moves to the edge.]

Fry: Aha! Cornered!

[He leaps for the bird but it flies away before he can get a hold of it. He loses his balance and falls. He grabs onto the "2"on the clock. It changes to a "3" then a "4". He falls a little further. It changes to a "5", a "6" and then a "7". With nothing to hold on to, he falls. Leela grabs him from a hatch.]

Leela: Hi, there!

Fry: Leela! Oh, my God! You saved my life. I am gonna get you so many lizards!

[Leela smiles.]
[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]

Leela: You didn't need to buy me a present, Fry.

Fry: I just wanted to do something to make you happy. I mean, I miss my family but you never even had a family.

Leela: It's OK. You're lonely and I'm lonely. But, together, we're lonely together.

[They hold hands.]

Fry: Merry Xmas, Leela.

Leela: Merry Xmas.

[A huge shadow creeps over them followed by two loud bangs. They turn around.]

Fry: Oh, boy! It's Santa!

[Santa's eyes turn around 180-degrees, making him look angry.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! [Fry and Leela back away.] You've been very naughty, Fry and Leela. I checked my list.

Fry: Well check it twice!

Santa: I perform over 50 mega-checks per second. You're both naughty for disregarding each other's feelings.

Leela: But we set things right. Fry even risked his life to get me a present.

Santa: But what about your other co-workers? Did either of you ever stop to think about Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?

Fry: No! I swear!

Santa: Santa has something very special in his sack for you two!

[Fry smiles. Santa pulls out a laser gun and shoots them. They scream and run away.]
[Scene: Outside Hattie's House. Bender and some other robots sing carols.]

Robots: [singing] So lock the door and hit the floor,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

[Hattie claps.]

Hattie: Go away!

Bender: Whoa, hold on! How about inviting us in for a traditional glass of hard cider?

Hattie: Oh, alright. But just one glass! [The robots go inside and she closes the door. We hear the robots guzzling down the cider.] [from inside] OK, that's enough. [They carry on drinking.] I said that's enough!

Bender: [from inside] Get her purse!

[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Leela are still running from Santa. They jump to the ground and Santa swoops over them in his sleigh, turns around and heads back towards them.]

Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!

Santa: You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!

[He throws a bauble-grenade at Fry and Leela. They run into an alcove and it explodes. Santa flies his sleigh around ready for the kill. Leela tries a door but it's locked.]

Leela: We're trapped.

Fry: I never thought it would end this way: Gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly, I didn't see it coming!

[Santa gets closer. Fry and Leela crouch down in a corner.]

Leela: Goodbye, Fry.

Fry: Goodbye, Leela. [They hug.] Hey, look, we're under the mistletoe.

[Leela looks up and they both look at each other. They move towards each other to kiss.]

Santa: Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile!

[He shoots at them. Fry and Leela scream. The parrot flies in front of the alcove and gets hit by the missile and explodes. Feathers flutter down.]

Fry: Uh, you're present may need some assembly.

[Elsewhere, Bender and the other robots are carrying lots of stuff.]

Bender: [singing] On the 4th day of Xmas I stole from that lady.

Robot #1: [singing] Four family photos.

Tinny Tim: [singing] Three jars of pennies.

Robot #2: [singing] Two former husbands.

Bender: [singing] And a slipper on a shoe tree.

[He throws the slipper down the sewer. Raoul waves through the grate.]

Raoul: Oh, thank you!

[Fry and Leela come running down the street.]

Fry: [shouting] Help!

Leela: [shouting] Somebody help us.

Tinny Tim: It's humans. Shall we mug them, robot sir?

Bender: No, wait, I know these guys. They got nothing.

[Bender runs towards Fry and Leela. Santa flies over them.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! [Bender panics.] You've been very naughty, Bender.

Bender: What? Me? I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid.

[He points at Tinny Tim.]

Santa: My God, Bender! Framing an orphan? That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now. [He pulls a list out and starts writing.] Framing ... I-N-G ... [The robots, Fry and Leela run away.] ... an...

[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Zoidberg are sat under the Xmas tree exchanging gifts.]

Zoidberg: Amy, this is for you. A set of combs for your beautiful hair.

Amy: Oh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair to a wigmaker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes.

[She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]

Hermes: Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.

[He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]

Zoidberg: Thank you. These'll come in handy for my new hair. [He pulls his hat off. Amy's and Hermes' hair is grafted to his head.] Finally I look as pretty as I feel!

Fry: [shouting; from outside] Help!

Leela: [shouting; from outside] Help!

Bender: [shouting; from outside] Help!

[The staff look through the window. Fry, Leela and the robots are still being chased by Santa. They run towards the Planet Express building.]

Farnsworth: Oh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep. And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.

[Enter Fry, Leela and the robots. There is a crash on the roof.]

Hermes: Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the roof!

Farnsworth: Quick! The armour-plated chimney cover! [Fry and Leela run over to the cover and start to push it. It moves very slowly.] Push! Push!

Bender: Use teamwork!

[The chimney is nearly covered when Santa sticks a candy cane through a gap and rolls the cover back. The staff gasp. Santa and the reindeer fly in.]

Tinny Tim: Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

[Hermes dives behind the sofa.]

Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you.

[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]

Zoidberg: A pogo-stick!

[He giggles and bounces around the room.]

Santa: As for the rest of you, I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts.

Bender: Yeah? Well I don't believe in Santa Claus. Come on, everybody, if you don't believe in him, he can't hurt you. [Santa whacks Bender over the head with his sack.] Ow! God! The pain!

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Time to get jolly on your naughty asses!

[He laughs maniacally.]

Leela: Watch out! His belly is shaking like a bowl full of nitro-glycerine!

[A robo-reindeer's nose beeps and flashes red.]

Amy: Rudolph's nose!

Fry: [shouting] He's gonna blow!

[Everyone screams. Zoidberg cuts a wire hanging from the Xmas tree.]

Zoidberg: Aha!

[The wire falls and electrocutes Santa. Leela kicks him and the rest of the staff use the Xmas tree to push him and his sleigh into the chimney. The robots cover it with the armour-plated cover. The reindeer beeps faster and the cover rocks as Santa explodes.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Santa, the sleigh and the reindeer fly upwards away from the building.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The Planet Express staff, LaBarbara and the homeless robots are sat around the table talking.]

Farnsworth: Yes, good thing I got us out of that one!

[Bender brings a covered plate in from the kitchen.]

Bender: Xmas dinner, everyone.

[He pulls the cover off. The dinner is the exploded parrot.]

Fry: Uh, Bender? Where did you get that bird?

Bender: I found it lying in the street, like all the food I cook. Dig in, everyone.

[He cuts a piece off and puts it on Tinny Tim's plate.]

Tinny Tim: Thank you, sir.

Bender: You got the toenail! [Nibbler eats the rest of the parrot and snatches Tinny Tim's piece off his plate.] Oh!

Fry: Look, the food isn't what's important.

Tinny Tim: I'm so hungry.

Fry: The important thing is we're all together for Xmas. And even though I'm surrounded by robots and monsters and old people, I've never felt more at home.

Farnsworth: Hear, hear! Now let's all of us shut up and sing!

[They gather around a piano.]

Amy: [singing] He knows when you are sleeping.

Farnsworth: [singing] He knows when you're on the can.

Leela: [singing] He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.

Zoidberg: [singing] Oh.

Hermes: [singing] You'd better not breathe, You'd better not move.

Bender: [singing] You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.

Fry: [singing] Santa Claus is gunning you down!

[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]

Farnsworth: Merry Xmas, everyone!

[He joins the others at the piano and it snows again outside.]
[Closing Credits. A version of We Wish You A Merry Christmas plays. Santa and his reindeer fly by.]

Santa: [over credits] I'll be back. Back when you least expect it: Next Xmas! Ho, ho, ho!