Transcript:How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back

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Transcript for
How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back
Written byBill Odenkirk
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: As Foretold by Nostradamus.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Hermes takes a form out of the in-tray.]

Hermes: Finally, the last form of the day. Welcome to Stampy Town. Population, five! [He stamps the form five times then puts it on top of a pile of other forms. He picks up the pile and staples it together.] And now for the finishing touch. [He puts the pile through a shredder and it comes out as mulch, which is recycled into blank sheets of paper. A robotic arm lifts the paper into the in-tray.] Ah, the cycle of bureaucracy. [A red tube comes down a message tube and lands in a tray.] Sweet gorilla of Manila! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy! [He takes a piece of paper out of the red tube.] [reading] Attention, Hermes Conrad: You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy. [Another red tube appears and Hermes takes a piece of paper out of.] My God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with their feet up watching TV. Enter Leela.]

Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some friends from my old cryogenics job. You guys interested?

Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.

Fry: I'll play.

Bender: I'm in!

[Enter Zoidberg.]

Zoidberg: Leela, Fry, robot. No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available.

Leela: We're playing poker. But I'm warning you, my friends are serious players.

Zoidberg: Bah, big shots. I say let the dice do the talking.

[Time Lapse. A green card table has been set up in the middle of the room. Leela rips open a packet of "Crudités" and pours a powder onto the table. She adds water and a plant grows from the powder and drops things like fruit and pretzels onto a tray. Hermes walks in humming and straightening a tie.]

Fry: Wow! You look happy. Is someone fired?

Hermes: Better! The Central Bureaucracy is conducting an inspection tomorrow. I will finally be promoted to grade 35, the 35th highest grade there is.

[He starts to walk out the other door.]

Leela: Hermes, wait! We're having a poker party. Stay and whip off a batch of your famous jerk dip.

Hermes: Sorry, I spent all day putting my office in order. Now I got to go home and relax the traditional Jamaican way: A glass of warm milk and good night sleep.

Fry: Jamaican? I thought you were some kinda outer-space potato man.

[The doorbell rings.]

Leela: Ah, that must be my old boss.

[Scene: Planet Express: Entrance. Leela opens the door and Ipgee walks in.]

Ipgee: Hello, Leela. You're fired.

Leela: I know.

Ipgee: I'm sorry but it's just that you're over a year late for work at this point.

[Terry and Lou arrive wearing their lab coats.]

Terry: [dramatically] Let the games begin!

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The poker players sit around the table.]

Ipgee: So I told Leela, "Your request for a date is most flattering but I must decline." These office romances never work out. After all, that is how I met my horrible wife.

[Everyone except Leela laughs.]

Leela: But you never wore your ring. I didn't know you had a wife.

Ipgee: And my wife doesn't know I have a job. I keep my personal and professional lives separate.

Bender: Come on, let's deal. You'll have plenty of time to talk when you're poor.

[He puts on some shades.]

Fry: What's with the specs, Bender?

Bender: They're my lucky shades. I stole them off some lucky guy while his lucky seeing eye dog was taking a whiz.

[He takes the deck from Ipgee, puts it in his mouth, shuffles it and deals by spitting them out around the table.]

Fry: Hey!

[Four of his cards are stuck in an apple he is holding. Bender spits one more card at him and it cuts off the fork in his hair. Zoidberg fumbles with the hand he is dealt.]

Zoidberg: I can't spell anything with these cards.

[Time Lapse. The game continues and Zoidberg has lost the shirt off his back. Bender enjoys a winning streak as he wears Zoidberg's shirt and has a few piles of chips in front of him. He hums.]

Zoidberg: Finally, I have a good claw. See? [He turns his cards around.] Three human females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery.

[Fry tuts.]

Fry: It doesn't matter how many human females you have, Bender's on a hot streak.

Bender: Uh, what can I say? Must be my lucky shades! [He taps his shades and they suddenly change to X-Ray specs. He looks at the cards around the table.] Nothing, nothing, crap, crap, garbage. [He lays his cards out on the table.] Read 'em and leak salt water!

Fry: Oh, man!

Terry: That's my baby's milk money!

[Bender takes his winnings and chuckles.]

Ipgee: Oh, I am broke. What will I tell my horrible wife?

Bender: If I were you I'd be more worried about that tapeworm going to town on your intestines.

[He starts to shuffle the pack again.]

Ipgee: [suspicious] Let me see those glasses.

[Bender chokes on the cards and spits them out. Terry and Lou stand up.]

Bender: Um ... uh...

[Ipgee takes the glasses and looks through them.]

Ipgee: Oh, my various Gods! X-Ray specs!

[Bender scoops up his winnings and starts backing out of the room.]

Bender: Guys, I swear those are prescription. I need 'em for reading stuff ... on the other side of stuff.

[He walks back towards the door and backs into Zoidberg.]

Lou: Cheater!

Ipgee: Get him!

Terry: Break his neck!

Zoidberg: No, don't hurt him! He's my best friend!

[Bender pushes him over and legs it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express Corridor. Bender hides inside Hermes' office, closing the door behind him. Ipgee, Terry and Lou follow him inside.]

Bender: [from inside] Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy with X-Ray glasses would you? [Beating sounds come from inside.] Ow! Easy on the arm! Oh! Oh, my ass!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The next morning Hermes walks into the building and changes the sign on the front door from "Closed" to "Opening Soon" to "Open".]
[Cut to: Planet Express Corridor. Hermes opens the door to his office. Files and papers fall out.]

Hermes: Great cow of Moscow!

[Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office. The room is a wreck. Electrical things sizzle, filing cabinets are overturned and papers are littered around the room. Bender is in pieces. His head pops out of his body.]

Bender: Uh, it was ghosts! Big ones! And a tornado!

Hermes: Oh! I'll never pass inspection now. They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick ... at carnival time. [Fry and Leela poke their heads around the door.] [crying] And that's as low as limbo sticks get.

[Fry puts his hand on Hermes' shoulder.]

Fry: Aw, hey, c'mon, don't worry. We'll watch you clean up.

Hermes: It's too late. The inspector will be here in exactly one second.

[Cut to: Planet Express Corridor. The door opens and a woman wearing a dark green suit walks in. Her hair is in a tight bun and she wears glasses.]

Hermes: Who the hell are you?

Morgan: Morgan Proctor, bureaucrat grade 19.

Hermes: Hermes Conrad, bureaucrat grade 36.

[They exchange papers and stamp them.]

Morgan: Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin the inspection?

Hermes: This way, please.

[He ushers her into his office.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]

Fry: [whispering] Jeez, Hermes, you seem awfully calm about this.

Hermes: [whispering] Don't worry. I have a plan.

[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Hermes stands on the railings around the balcony.]

Hermes: [shouting] I'm going to jump!

[The staff look up from street level.]

Amy: [shouting] No!

Zoidberg: [shouting] No!

Bender: [shouting] Do a flip!

Leela: [shouting] Don't do it, Hermes! You have so much to live for.

Bender: [whispering; to Leela] I get it, reverse psychology.

Farnsworth: [shouting] Please, old friend, don't jump. Use another method that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know.

[LaBarbara's car screeches to a stop.]

LaBarbara: [shouting] Husband! Nooo!

Hermes: Outta my way, wife! I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat anyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the time. I'm not worthy to stamp a form, so I'll stamp the pavement with my flabby body.

Morgan: [shouting] Bureaucrat Conrad, if you complete your death transaction without filing a suicide and/or falling accident permit, you will be posthumously demoted.

Hermes: Life. Death. Either way I'm demoted to a tiny cubicle.

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes sits at the table shaking.]

Hermes: Sweet something of ... of someplace.

Morgan: As your superior, I hereby relieve you of duty. Consider yourself on paid vacation.

Hermes: Oh! The ultimate penalty!

Zoidberg: I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, the sauna planet. Here, read.

[He hands a leaflet to LaBarbara.]

LaBarbara: Spa 5? Is it good?

Zoidberg: Oh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything about it but they give me a bucket of krill for every patient I send.

Morgan: Naturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat to fill in for Hermes while he's away. I assign me, I accept. Welcome aboard.

Zoidberg: Then it's settled. Hermes will relax and Zoidberg will eat. Hurrah!

[Scene: Planet Express: Morgan's Office. Morgan changes Hermes' name plate so it has her name on it. Fry, Leela and Bender are with her.]

Morgan: I've been reviewing your corporate records. Regarding last Monday's delivery, why did it take twice as long as scheduled?

Leela: Fry got his head stuck in a crater.

Fry: [ashamed] I thought it would fit.

[Morgan writes something down on a piece of paper.]

Morgan: [to Bender] And during this period of head-crater interaction, what were you doing?

Bender: Martini drinking contests with the autopilot. I would've had him this time but we ran out of olives.

Leela: I can explain--

Morgan: You really think you can explain how you left port without a full compliment of olives? I think not.

Leela: [whispering] What is this, high school?

Morgan: Locker check!

[Scene: Planet Express: Locker Room. Morgan opens Leela's locker. There is a small purple bag on the top shelf and Leela's green jacket is hanging in the bottom. The zip is halfway up the coat.]

Morgan: Why isn't this jacket in alphabetical order?

Leela: What?

Morgan: The zipper. It should be at the bottom.

[She pulls it down and closes the locker. She opens Bender's locker. On the shelf is a nut. She picks it up and shakes her head.]

Bender: [ashamed] Hey, sometimes a guy gets lonely.

[Morgan closes his locker and opens Fry's. Empty cans fall out and a green liquid dribbles over them. Some socks and a blernsball cap fall out too and flies buzz around the pile of rubbish. Morgan steps back and looks horrified.]

Morgan: I-- I've never seen anything like this. [She picks up the cap.] Why is there yoghurt in this cap?

Fry: Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all.

Morgan: You are all dismissed. Fry, I will speak to you alone.

[Fry gasps as Bender and Leela walk out and Morgan locks the door.]

Fry: Uh, wait, this is the other Fry's locker. I'm "Phry" with a P-H.

Morgan: [taking off her glasses.] Admit it, Fry: You're a slob. [She kisses him.] A dirty, filthy slob. [She kisses him again.] Dirty boy! Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!

[Fry gasps and pushes Morgan away.]

Fry: What the hell's going on? I thought you were anti-dirty not pro-dirty.

[She pushes him against the lockers.]

Morgan: I'm surrounded by neat freaks everyday. There's nothing kinkier to me than a filthy slop-jock like you.

Fry: [bashful] Oh, stop!

[She kisses him again then moves away and puts her glasses back on.]

Morgan: Now listen, you filthy pig. No one can know about us. If anyone asks, I'll deny it.

Fry: Just like very other girl I've dated.

[Scene: Outside Spa 5 Fitness Camp. From outside the building looks like a pleasant fitness spa with nice trees and a sunny sky. The sign indicates it is recommended by Dr. Zoidberg.]
[Scene: Spa 5 Fitness Camp. A blonde woman is in charge.]

Woman: And two and three and four and ... [She point a huge laser at them.] ... come on, work those arms!

[People chip away at the walls of a large mine. LaBarbara peddles on a bike which powers a conveyor belt and carries away everything the miners chip off the walls.]

LaBarbara: [whispering] This is no spa, it's a forced-labour camp.

Hermes: Curse that Dr. Zoidberg! If I get out of here, he'll be looking down the business-end of a shrimp fork.

[An Australian man dressed in a vest and a hat turns around.]

Australian Man: Give him one for me too, mate. I don't know why I go to him.

[A laser bolt flies past them and hits the wall.]

Woman: I don't miss twice, campers!

[They work harder.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Morgan, Farnsworth, Leela, Fry and Bender sit around the table.]

Morgan: And for those six and a half reasons, I am demoting Leela to co-pilot.

Leela: Co-pilot? Under who?

Morgan: The autopilot.

Leela: That drunk?

[Bender laughs.]

Morgan: Mr. Bender, you are now in charge of co-ordinating the Professor's bodily functions.

[Bender stops laughing suddenly.]

Farnsworth: That's a full-time job.

Morgan: And Fry, as for you, I am promoting you to executive delivery boy. You will no longer go on deliveries and you will have your own office next to mine.

Fry: Alright!

[He stands up and looks at Leela for a high five. She doesn't respond. He turns to Bender. He doesn't respond either.]

Morgan: Mr. Bender, would you high-five him so we can continue this meeting? [Bender reluctantly does.] And on the rebound? [Bender kicks Fry in his left shin and Fry screams.] Meeting adjourned.

[Scene: Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry has his feet up on his desk and drinks a can of Slurm. He burps and wipes his mouth with his tie.]

Amy: I can't figure why she's so nice to you, Fry.

Zoidberg: She's a hateful monster, this Morgan. She scolded and hit me. I tell you, she's risking my friendship with her.

[Enter Bender covered in mud and twigs.]

Leela: Bender, what happened to you?

Bender: Morgan made me walk the Professor. There we were in the park when suddenly some old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked the Professor at her but she kept coming. So I had to hit her with this purse I found. Ah, the point is, it's Morgan's fault. That pencil-pushing scazwag. [Leela gestures him to shut up.] Why, if she were here, I'd-- Uh-oh, is she behind me?

[He feels behind his head.]

Morgan: No. I'm in front of you.

[Bender squeals.]
[Scene: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The doorbell rings and Fry answers it. Morgan is there.]

Fry: Morgan? It's 3am.

[Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Lounge.]

Morgan: I know. A skunk knocked over my garbage and suddenly all I could think of was you. [She looks around the messy apartment.] My God! It's so ... repulsive. [She looks at something covered with a sheet and food.] So, uh, this is where you eat?

Fry: Eat and sleep.

[He pulls the sheet away.]

Morgan: Oh, Fry!

[She kisses him and pushes him onto the bed.]

Fry: Uh, wait, Bender's my roommate. He could be back any second.

Morgan: Not likely. I ordered him to flush out the Professor's ear wax.

[She takes off her glasses, pulls her hair out of the bun and starts unbuttoning her suit.]
[Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender approaches his apartment holding something and walks in.]
[Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Lounge.]

Bender: Hey, Fry, I made you a candle with-- [He gasps.] What the--? [He zooms in. Morgan is in bed with Fry. She holds the sheets up around her. Fry pulls the sheets up around him.] Oh, now I see! Now I get it. Now the pieces are falling into place: The office, the promotion, that dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions. [Morgan runs out with the sheets wrapped around her.] It's all coming together now!

[Scene: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Morgan is driven away in a taxi.]

Bender: I must say, this opens my eyes. Another case closed, my dear Watson.

Fry: [shouting] Morgan, come back! He's stuck in a loop.

Bender: For I was blind but now I see!

[Scene: Outside Planet Express.]

Bender: [from inside] The cat's out of the bag now!

[Cut to: Planet Express: Fry's Office. Bender leans back on a chair with a cigar in his mouth.]

Morgan: Mr. Bender, about last night: That was just a ... a misunderstanding.

Bender: Oh, you didn't understand? Well let me explain. You ... [He points at Fry.] ... were having sex with you.

[He points at Morgan.]

Morgan: No. You see, a bureaucrat of my rank isn't supposed to fraternise.

Bender: That's what makes it so juicy. It's the forbidden fruit angle everybody loves. First I'll say "You'll never guess who saw Fry and Morgan doing it," and they'll say "Who, Bender? Who?" and I'll say "It was lovable ... [His voice begins to slow down.] ... old Bender."

[Morgan has put something in the back of his neck. A 3.5" disk comes out of the back of his head and she takes it.]

Fry: Hey, what did you do to him?

Morgan: I downloaded his brain. Everything that is Bender is right here. His mind, his memories, his in-your-face interface.

Bender: [mechanical voice] I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Fry: But, but ... Bender need brain ... for ... smart making. [Morgan puts the disk in a red tube and sends it away.] What did you do now? Stop doing things!

Morgan: I sent the disk to be filed at the Central Bureaucracy. I did what I had to do, Fry; He was a bad robot.

Fry: No, he was a bad friend. I want him back right now.

Morgan: Then you should have filed a request 20 years ago.

[Fry growls.]

Fry: I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy!

[He slides everything off his desk. Morgan grins.]

Morgan: Dirty boy! Dirty boy!

[She dives on him.]
[Time Lapse. Morgan is gone and the rest of the staff are there.]

Leela: You and Morgan were having an affair?

Fry: I couldn't help it. She loved me because of the part of me that's a slob and I loved her because of the part of me that's desperate.

Bender: [mechanical voice] I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Fry: Poor Bender. Without his brain he's become all quiet and helpful. We've got to go to the Central Bureaucracy and get that disk back!

Amy: Yeah!

Farnsworth: Oh, yes, we must, yes.

[There is a long pause.]

Amy: Why?

[Everyone looks around trying to think.]

Leela: Well, those arguments aside, we're still going.

Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.

Leela: Then we'll need a guide. Someone who's been there before.

Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times!

[He laughs maniacally.]
[Scene: Spa 5 Fitness Camp. Hermes watches the Australian man push a mining cart. There is a man with a laser nearby.]

Hermes: Look at that: The carts go out full but they come in empty. It's criminally inefficient.

Australian Man: [whispering] Quiet, mate. Pulling the empty carts is the closest thing we get to sleep.

Hermes: But don't you see? They could increase efficiency 4% if they used the empty carts to bring in heavy mining machinery.

Man: Hey, I like the way you think.

[He pulls a chain and a huge drill head falls into the Australian man's cart. He grumbles.]

Australian Man: Oh, Lord!

Man: You know, you oughta be a bureaucrat or something.

[Hermes smiles.]
[Scene: Outside Central Bureaucracy. The building is a huge white cube with "Central Bureaucracy Est. 2159 A.D. License Pending" engraved on it. Fry, Leela, Farnsworth, Amy and Bender join the end of a long queue, behind an old man with a Methuselah-like beard.]

Fry: Man, how long is this gonna take?

Old Man: I'm still waiting on my birth certificate.

Farnsworth: Well, it doesn't look like I'll make it inside with the rest of you. Uh, but good luck. Just leave me where I drop.

[The queue moves backwards.]

Old Man: Oh, great! Someone had a baby.

Leela: Come on. I have a better idea.

[Time Lapse. They are by the walls of the building. Nearby is a grade 53 bureaucrat.]

Leela: Excuse me? We're from the Planet Express delivery company. We're here to deliver a robot.

Bender: [mechanical voice] I am Bender. Please insert girder.

[The bureaucrat laughs.]

Grade 53 Bureaucrat: Looks like we've got a new office cut-up!

[He opens a door and the staff walk inside.]
[Cut to: Central Bureaucracy Corridor. The corridors are lined with thousands of filing cabinets and message tubes snake around overhead with red tubes flying through them. A bureaucrat screams.]

Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Look out! Look out! I'm gonna crash my slow-mobile! I had to swerve to avoid you.

[He slowly heads for a pile of boxes.]

Leela: While you're crashing, could you tell us where all these canisters end up?

Grade 41 Bureaucrat: Oh, you want Central Filing.

[They walk on.]

Leela: OK.

Fry: OK.

Amy: OK, thanks.

Farnsworth: Wonderful.

Grade 41 Bureaucrat: [screaming] Nooo!

[He eventually hits the pile of boxes and they wobble.]
[Time Lapse. Another bureaucrat turns around from a stack of filing cabinets.]

Grade 20 Bureaucrat: Central Filing? Of course I know where that is. I'm a grade 20.

Leela: Where is it?

Grade 20 Bureaucrat: I can't tell you. What do I look like? A grade 16?

[A red tube lands next to Leela. She sighs.]

Leela: We're getting nowhere slowly. Here, I'll address this to the Central Filing room. [She takes something of her wrist machine and puts it in the tube.] Then we'll track it using my wrist LoJack-a-mater.

[She sends the tube away and points her arm around.]

Wrist Machine: Cold. Cold. Warmer. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

[Time Lapse. They run through a dark corridor following the message tube. A thick metal door in front of them closes. They duck under it and Leela drags Farnsworth through. Bender walks straight through it, leaving a Bender-shaped hole.]
[Time Lapse. They quietly pass a sleeping Beholder-like creature. Bender walks into it. It wakes up, growls and starts shooting blue lights from things on it's head. It is another bureaucrat.]

Grade 11 Bureaucrat: Please don't tell my supervisor I was sleeping.

[Scene: Outside Central Filing. They stop outside the door.]

Leela: This is it. We'll just run in, grab Bender's disk and run out. Got it?

[Everyone nods. Leela opens the door and everyone gasps.]
[Cut to: Central Filing. The message tubes all converge in the middle of the room and there are tens of thousands of red tubes in a huge pile. The room towers so high into the air that there is a bi-plane flying around the clouds near the ceiling.]

Fry: We'll never find that disk will we, Bender?

Bender: [mechanical voice] I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Fry: You're right. Nothing is over as long as there's one thin ray of hope.

Morgan: Lost something? [She rides a slow-mobile towards them.] I should have known you'd come here rather than follow proper procedure. And I did know. And that's why I came here.

Fry: Listen, Morgan, we're through. You're an evil, heartless woman and I never wanna see you again. However, would you help us get Bender back for old time's sake?

[Morgan points at the pile of red tubes.]

Morgan: I'm afraid he's lost in the master in pile, and it would take some sort of giant, mechanical, atomic-powered sorting machine to find him.

Hermes: You rang?

[On another level of the room Hermes and LaBarbara spin around in a swivel chair.]

Farnsworth: Damnit, Hermes, just jump already. Stop hogging that healthy liver.

Hermes: No, I want to live. Organising that forced-labour spa rekindled my lifelong love of bureaucracy.

LaBarbara: My Hermes got that hellhole running so efficiently that all the physical labour is now done by a single Australian man.

Leela: But how did you know we were here?

Hermes: Dr. Zoidberg brought us.

Zoidberg: It was me! I'm the hero!

[The bi-plane flies past Zoidberg and hovers next to the others. The wings are a desk, which a small man sits at.]

Number 1.0: Request for explanation of incident meeting?

[The bureaucrats gasp and duck behind their desks. Morgan gasps.]

Morgan: Number 1.0.

Hermes: Number 1.0, I hereby petition you for an emergency sort-and-file, under regulation 2 point--

Number 1.0: [waggling his finger] D-D-D-D-Don't quote me regulations. I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the colour of the book that regulation's in. We kept it grey.

Hermes: Sir, please, I must located the disk with my friend's brain on it.

Number 1.0: Very well. But your bureaucratic licence will be revoked if you fail to sort the master in pile by closing time: 1pm.

[Leela looks up at a clock.]

Leela: That's only four minutes from now.

[Hermes takes off his jacket.]

Hermes: Requisition me a beat.
[Number 1.0 plays some music and Hermes slides down a tube onto the in pile.]
[singing] When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,
With a foot and a half of water,
Everyone was alright but I cried all night,
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,
And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,
Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"
I made my friends and relations file long applications,
To get into my 10th birthday party.

[He scoops up some red tubes, slides down a tube and drops them into some filing cabinets. LaBarbara pop out of one of them.]

LaBarbara: [singing] But something changed when my man turned pro.

Hermes: [singing] I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.

[He throws a tube to LaBarbara and she catches it.]

LaBarbara: [singing] He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.

Hermes: [singing] It's supposed to be about the filing! People!
[He jumps onto Number 1.0's desk and starts juggling the tubes.]
We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,
No, that's what almighty Jah made us,
We treat people like swine,
And make 'em stand in line,
Even if nobody paid us!

[He dives off the desk into the pile of red tubes.]

Hermes: [singing] They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,
They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,
But when push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea.
[He slides down the pile and throws the red tubes around the other Planet Express staff like a knife thrower.]
Zoidberg!

Zoidberg: [singing] They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.

Farnsworth: [singing] They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.

Leela: [singing] They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye.

[A tube hits her in the eye.]

Bender: [mechanical voice] I am Bender. Please insert girder.

[Hermes lays a tube across Bender's arms and he bends it, sending the red tubes flying off in another direction. Hermes rips off his shirt revealing a multi-coloured shirt underneath.]

Hermes: [singing] Everybody sing Jamaica!

[He limbos under the flying tubes.]

All: [singing] Jamaica!

Hermes: Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!

Bureaucrats: [singing] Jamaica!

Hermes: [singing] The grade 19's!

[Morgan looks around and reluctantly joins in.]

Morgan: Jamaica.

[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats.]

Hermes: [singing] Sing me home!
When push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea!

[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces.]

Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

[The staff cheer Hermes.]

Fry: Yeah!

Zoidberg: Congratulations.

Number 1.0: Congratulations indeed but you finished with one second to spare so I'm demoting you. A good bureaucrat never finishes early.

[He changes Hermes' badge from 36 to 38.]

Amy: That's OK, Hermes. At least we have you back.

Morgan: Not yet you don't. I'm still acting bureaucrat of Planet Express. And I have some changes to make. First, Fry, you're fired. Second--

Hermes: Not so fast! While I was sorting I came upon a certain document filed by one Morgan Proctor. Form B: Notification of Romantic Entanglement.

Fry: That's right, she fraternised me!

Morgan: That form isn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date. It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment.

Hermes: Yes, but you only stamped it four times!

[He slaps the paper down on Number 1.0's desk and the bureaucrats gasp. Morgan is horrified and steps away from the desk.]

Morgan: No! No! I was young and reckless.

[Number 1.0 looks at the form.]

Number 1.0: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct -- the best kind of correct. I hereby promote you to grade 37. [He changes Hermes' badge to 37. He points at Morgan.] And as for you. [shouting] Guards! [Guards surround Morgan.] [talking] Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!

[He flies away.]

Farnsworth: Well, it looks like I'll be needing my heroic bureaucrat back. At severely-reduced pay, of course.

[The staff cheer.]

LaBarbara: It's better than nothing.

Fry: What about me? Can I come back at severely-reduced pay?

Hermes: You got it, mon! In fact, severely-reduced pay all around! [The staff cheer and Hermes hops on a slow-mobile.] Come on, wife, let's blow this joint!

[She jumps on and they kiss and hover off somewhere.]

Zoidberg: Now it's time for my song! [singing] When I was two, there was a tidal wave in--

[Closing Credits.]

Zoidberg: [over credits] Aw.