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Transcript for
Written byAaron Ehasz
Transcribed bySanfazer

[Opening Credits. Caption: OTHERS ASK, "WHAT IF?" WE ASK, "WHY IF."]
[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. Hermes is addressing Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg, who are seated around the table.]

Hermes: So there it is, people. Due to budget cutbacks, we will no longer be offering free squid guts in the kitcken.

[Zoidberg bursts out sobbing. The Professor hustles in.]

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo! Everyone, look at my latest invention.

[The Professor puts down a machine resembling an overhead projector. It is labelled BANACH-TARSKI DUPLA-SHRINKER.]

Zoidberg: [monotonously] Okay.

Amy: I like how it's not killing us so far.

Professor Farnsworth: It takes any object and makes two smaller copies!

[The crew sounds excited.]

Bender: [criticisingly] Why?

Professor Farnsworth: You see... As I age, I've been shrinking and feeling colder. So now I need twice as many sweaters in a smaller size. First, I scan the old sweater. [He puts a sweater on the replicator screen and presses a button. It scans the sweater like a Xerox machine.] Then, we add some matter. Any old, useless matter will do. [He dumps a book labelled Zoidberg's Wedding Album into it.] Now, the matter prism reorganises the raw material into two smaller copies.

[The machine starts up. Moving prismatic lights emanate from its seeds. Then, when it stops, a door on the side of the machine opens and two somewhat smaller, identical sweaters are deposited onto the table. The Professor holds them up next to the original.]

Fry: So that's where babies' sweaters come from!

[Scene: The Planet Express employee lounge. Bender is slumped on the couch watching TV. Fry enters and joins him. On TV, we hear The Scary Door theme. Against the backdrop of stars, objects drift toward camera. A jockey on all fours with a horse sitting on his back. A dolphin playing the trombone with his blowhole. A slinky climbing up the stairs. A kid blowing a gum bubble that enlarges to become the Earth, then pops and covers his face.]

The Scary Door narrator: Enclosed as a PDF attachment, a picture of yourself in a boat on a river. It's a river that flows in two directions. Make that three. It's a magic river, that's how. And it's flowing down the eerie canal to... The Scary Door. That's eerie with two Es. [Close-up: A scientist's laboratory. The scientist finishes welding a Robot.] Consider, if you have the energy, Dr. Daniel Zenus, an inventor with a terminal case of the lazies.

Dr. Daniel Zenus: This Robot will do everything for me. Robot, activate yourself and do my research. [The Robot flips its own on switch and powers up. It begins tinkering with test tubes as the scientist leans back in a chair with a pillow.] Ah!

[Cut to: Later.]

Dr. Daniel Zenus: Next, assume my social obligations.

[The scientist kicks back in an armchair as the Robot, wearing a dark blue bow tie, offers his arm to the scientist's wife. She takes it and they exit. We see a 12-month clock. The hands spin. Years later, the scientist, now older, is still kicking back as an official enters.]

Official: Dr. Zenus, for a lifetime of scientific achievement, we present this award to... Your Robot.

[The official gives the Robot a medal and leaves. A boy enters.]

Boy: Daddy, I love you.

[The boy turns away from the scientist and hugs the Robot. The scientist cries.]

Dr. Daniel Zenus: If only I'd programmed the Robot to be more careful what I wished for. Robot, experience this tragic irony for me.

Robot: [extendedly] No!

[The scientist pops open a beer and takes a sip.]

Dr. Daniel Zenus: Ah!

[Back to scene. Bender is still relaxing. He pops open his own beer and takes a sip.]

Bender: Ah!

Fry: Man, I wish we had a Robot to do stuff.

Bender: I know, right?

[The Professor enters.]

Professor Farnsworth: Bender, thank God I found you in time. I need someone in the lab immediately to fold my new sweaters.

Bender: I'm sorry. Do you see a Robot in this room named Folder?

[Bender laughs. The Professor sighs.]

Professor Farnsworth: Fortunately, I came prepared with a backup phrasing. Uh, Bender, would you mind bending my new sweaters? There's only two of them.

Bender: Hey! Oh! You want me to do two things? Man, I'd call my lawyer if diallin' the phone wasn't such a hassle.
[Bender leaves.]
[Scene: The Planet Express laboratory. Bender enters and sees the two unfolded sweaters. He mutters.]
<poem>Bender: Razzle, frazzle, two things! [Bender sees the replicator.] Ooh. Razzle, frazzle, duplicator. [Bender gets it up, puts it in his chest, presses the start button, closes his chest door, and laughs.] Now for some tasty matter. [He eats some and quickly gobbles a chair, a microscope, and a glass tank filled with white rats. The machine glows as it did earlier. We hear a ding, he opens his chest door, and two 60%-scaled mini-Benders pop out.] Howdy, fellas! I'm Bender.

Bender duplicate: Go to hell, old man.

Bender: I like your attitude. Let's party. But, first, fold these two sweaters.

Bender duplicates: [in unison] I'm sorry. Do you see a Robot in this room named Folder?

[The mini-Benders chuckle.]

Bender: Damn, you're cute.

[Montage: The three Benders dance in The Hip Joint in the first, ride a bicycle and fall off it, and trick a man at cups and balls.]
[Scene: The Planet Express hangar. The crew loads packages onto the ship. The three Benders enter.]

Bender: Hi! I'm Bender, this is my Robot Bender, and this is my other Robot Bender.

Leela: Oh, Lord.

Bender: They're 60%-scaled replicas of me, Bender.

Leela: Does that mean they only do 60% of the work you do or that they actually do more work because they're only 60% as lazy?

[Bender pauses and counts in his fingers, humming.]

Bender: Shut up. [The three Benders laugh.] That's a good one.

[The Professor enters, wielding a hovercart of huge toiletries.]

Professor Farnsworth: Enough good ones, everyone. We have a delivery to an Alien space giant.

Hermes: You'll have to be respectful. This customer is fifty-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance.

[Amy jumps from inside the ship and looks at items on the cart.]

Amy: Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humongous acne cream... Aw, and one regular-sized condom.

Bender: All that and a small wiener? This guy's got it goin' on.

[The three Benders laugh.]
[Scene: The Alien space giant's planet.]
[Cut to: The planet's surface, day. The Bender duplicates carry the Alien's order to a cave as Bender lies on top of it. Leela and Fry are by their side.]

Leela: [whispering] Remember: Don't show any reaction to his appearance.

[The Alien, an unattractive giant monster, is applying candle wax to his face, producing a gruesome image. Leela screams.]

Bender: I hope that's vanishing cream, 'cause that needs to go away.

[The three Bender laugh.]

Bender duplicate: That's cold-blooded.

Leela: Shhh!

Unattractive giant monster: It's okay. I understand. My unusual appearance makes people nervous. You used humour to defuse the tension.

Bender: Yup. And there's still a little more tension, so look out. [Bender readies his voice.] You so ugly, when trick-or-treaters come to your house, they give you candy.

Bender duplicate #1: You so ugly, when you go to the bank, they ask you to put on a ski mask.

Bender duplicate #2: You so ugly, you crack the Daily Mirror. It's a newspaper!

[The Benders laugh. Fry and Leela show their disapprovement by gesturing.]

Unattractive giant monster: I wish it weren't so, but many of these things are true. Anyhow, you've lowered my self-esteem a bit more, but I'm sincerely grateful you came all this way to deliver my fungus chizzle.

Fry: [sad] Don't feel bad, sir. It's not your fault. You probably just inherited your appearance from your mother.

Unattractive giant monster: [furiously] What?! No one insults my momma.

[The monster roars and starts chasing the crew, forcing them to run to the ship. The monster throes a box labeled OXXY 1010 at the flying ship, causing it to lose its way, and grabs it. The ship manages to escape from the monster's hands, but he grabs it once again. Yet a third time, the ship manages to escape, but is grabbed by the monster. The crew screams.]

Bender: Oh, God! Shield your eyes! It's like Edward James Olmos on IMAX.

[Leela speeds up, causing the monster to be unable to sustain the ship and immediately fall down. The ship finally flees the planet.]
[Scene: The Planet Express employee lounge. Bender is lying on the couch and each of the two duplicates is lying on a smaller couch. There are five bottles of beer and one box of pizza on the table.]
[A Bender duplicate laughs.]

Left Bender duplicate: Did you see his face when I said he's so ugly?

Right Bender duplicate: No, I blacked out. 'Cause he's so ugly!

[The three Benders laugh.]

Bender: Hey, guys, quit reminiscing and grab me two cigars.

Left Bender duplicate: One thing each?

Right Bender duplicate: Sounds fair.

Bender: Wait. Make that four cigars.

Bender duplicates: [in unison] You want us to do four things?

[The two duplicates open their chest cabinets, activate the machine, close the cabinets, and begin eating matter. One of them eats van Gogh's painting Sunflowers. One of them steals Hermes' manwich.]

Hermes: My manwich!

[Bender's duplicates open their chest cabinets and two more Benders jump out of each one. They salute each other.]

Bender duplicate: What's up, Shorty?

Bender: And that's the story of how one of me became two and two became four, makin' seven total. The end.

[The four smallest Benders place four cigars in Bender's mouth and light them up.]
[Scene: The Planet Express locker room. Leela walks while Zoidberg knits.]

Leela: I just like having the end locker. It's not like Amy cares about it at all. But no, she won't trade with me.

Zoidberg: A rat!

Leela: Yes! She is a rat!

Zoidberg: No! Look!

[Zoidberg points to a very small Bender who is running beside the wall.]

Very small Bender: Which way to the tiny hookers?

[Scene: The Planet Express conference room. Amy leaves the shower cabin and screams after seeing an insect-sized Bender below the table. Hermes cannot see it.]

Amy: A big, fat roach!

Hermes: What? I thought I put that away.

Amy: No! There!

[Amy points to the Bender, who heads for the wall and knocks on a mouse door. The Bender on the other side opens the window.]

Bender on the other side: Who're you?

Insect-sized Bender: Bender sent me.

[The other Bender opens the door. A party of duplicates is taking place inside. Benders are cheering.]

Insect-sized Bender: Hey, I know that guy!

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. The Professor is seated at the table, on which Scruffy places a bowl.]

Professor Farnsworth: Scruffy, what is that tiny Bender doing in my soup?!

Scruffy: It appears to be giving you the finger, sir. Enjoy.

[Cut to: Place. A Bender duplicate is stuck on a spider web.]

Bender duplicate: Help me! Help me! I'm too lazy to escape!

[The duplicate gasps after seeing a spider. He burps, burning the spider and the web down in flames. He screams before hitting the ground.]

Bender duplicate: Ow.

[Scene: The Planet Express conference room. The crew is seated around the table, on which a mini-Bender finishes eating a golden crayon. Two golden, smaller Benders burst out of his chest cabinet, joining several others, who leap across the room. Leela, Fry, Zoidberg, Hermes, and Amy look at Bender discriminatingly.]

Bender: What?

Hermes: This place is crawling with yous!

Bender: So there's more Benders around. As far as I'm concerned, that's good news!

[The Professor enters.]

Professor Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone! Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.

[The holographic projector displays a formula. Amy and Hermes gasp.]

Fry: Don't wait for me.

Professor Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent!

Fry: Oh, dip!

Professor Farnsworth: Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad infinitum and consume all the matter on Earth. [Everyone gasps as the projector illustrates the situation.] According to my calculations, there are eleven generations at the moment. [The Professor holds a mini-Bender with a pair of tweezers.] That's 2046 total Benders we need to destroy.

Bender: Wait. Does that include me?

[The Professor shoots Bender and Bender screams.]
[Fry and Leela look at the fallen Bender in shock. Bender gets up and opens his chest cabinet, revealing a book labelled HOLY BIBLE with a bullet hole. He opens the book and a small duplicate inside is shown to have been shot in Bender's place. It looks dead.]

Bender: Too bad he didn't have his own Bible.

[Bender throws the duplicate onto the table. The Professor picks it up with a pair of tweezers.]

Professor Farnsworth: Just 2045 more to go!

[The Professor places the duplicate's body in an insect-collection album.]
[Montage: The song "Rock and Roll Pest Control" by the Young Fresh Fellows is playing. Leela squashes a mini-Bender with her foot. Another mini-Bender meets a tiny hooker, a small version of Ruth, gives her money, and is caught in a mousetrap. Fry burns a mini-Bender who is leaning against a can of beer and wearing sunglasses by redirecting sunlight to it from a magnifying glass, causing the mini-Bender to explode. The Professor stabs an already dead Bender duplicate similar in size to those of the first generation. Bender hits one final mini-Bender with a baseball bat, much to the entertainment of Zoidberg, Fry, Amy, and Hermes, with Hermes using a vacuum cleaner to absorb its remains and putting them on the microwave for the crew to eat them like pocorn.]
[Scene: The Planet Express employee lounge. As Hermes counts the Benders, Amy, Fry, Leela, and the Professor watch carefully and Bender drinks beer on the couch.]

Hermes: 2045, 2046. That's it. We got 'em all except for the big one.

Amy: Wait. [Amy grabs a small Bender from a white box.] This isn't a real Bender. It's a talking doll from when Bender had that sitcom about the city Robot who moves back to the farm.

Bender doll: Shut your pumpkin, bumpkin.

[The doll plays a laugh track.]

Bender: Alright. So I let one measly Bender get away. How much harm can one infinitely self-reproducing Robot do?

Leela: Bender! How could you be so lazy and irresponsible?

[Bender snores.]

Bender: Wait, what? Did someone say I'm great?

[The couch is eaten by a grey substance. The crew gasps.]

Bender: What's with the grey goo?

[Bender zooms in with his eyes, revealing the substance to be a group of microscopic Benders.]

Microscopic Bender: Bite my tiny metal ass.

Bender: Hey! Those jerklings ate my couch.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world.

Fry: Like the Kardashians.

[The grey substance consumes Bender's spilt beer.]

Bender: Now they drank my booze?! They've gone too far!

Leela: Wait a second. All Benders are powered by alcohol!

Professor Farnsworth: Of course! Long before the Benders devour the Earth, they'll deplete the planet's booze and die off. This is a problem that will solve itself.

Bender: A problem that solves itself? That sounds like a job for me, Bender.

[Bender lays back and snores.]
[Scene: TV, Channel √2 News.]

Morbo: Our top story: All alcohol on Earth has mysteriously disappeared. Consequences are minimal, except among the most hardened alcoholics. Linda?

Linda: [nervously] I can no longer face my children!

[Linda cries.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge. Leela and Fry are seated on the couch.]

Leela: Crisis averted. Without alcohol, the Benders are dying off!

[Cut to: The Planet Express bathroom. An agglomerate of Benders is swept by Scruffy.]

Scruffy: A greater tragedy my eyes have never beheld. Well, into the terlet.

[Scruffy flushes the toilet.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express employee lounge.]

Bender: So sober, so weak...

Leela: Things really worked out nicely this time.

[Scene: The Planet Express bathroom. The Professor is sleeping in the bathtub, but wakes up after breathing water. He tastes the water.]

Professor Farnsworth: This doesn't taste like old-man water.

[Cut to: The Planet Express hangar. Fry, Bender, and Zoidberg relax while Leela, Hermes, and Amy work.]

Professor Farnsworth: [from the bathroom] Everyone to The Situation Room!

[Back to scene. The Professor is still in the bathtub and the crew is looking at him.]

Professor Farnsworth: I was lying here, snoozing, dreaming, oddly enough, about bathing in champagne with six of the world's most distinguished scientists, when suddenly I realised my bathwater had been transformed into alcohol.

Bender: Alcohol?

Fry: Chug! Chug!

Bender: It's like fine cognac with a hint of aged scrotum.

Leela: How can this be? I thought the Benders drank all the alcohol in the world!

Professor Farnsworth: They did. But then they made more! You see, once the Benders reached atomic scale, they began directly manipulating water and CO2 molecules to make alcohol. [A microscopic Bender burps, burning the Professor's hand. The Professor screams effeminately.] In a matter of hours, there will be no more fresh water on Earth.

Bender: Oh, no! What will I mix with my Scotch?

[Scene: TV. The caption WORLD WITHOUT WATER: DAY 6 appears on screen.]

Linda: Hey, you! Good evening. Who're you calling drunk? You're not drunk! I'm drunk.

Morbo: That's right, Linda. Water is now— Now booze and everyone's tetty much protally fitshaced.

Linda: Turning to sports, the Indy 500 was today. There were no survivors.

[Back to scene.]

Amy: This chair is so comfortable.

[Amy vomits. Bender laughs.]

Bender: Classic Amy.

Hermes: You wanna see a picture of my boy?

Zoidberg: Sure. [Hermes shows him a photograph.] That's your penis!

Hermes: That's my boy!

Leela: I guess this is a... Not so bad. As long as we don't need to use our mental... Mental...

Fry: Minds?

Leela: Wha?

[The giant monster arrives on a spaceship.]

Fry: No, listen. I... freakin' love you. But I don't throw that word around!

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I know you don't. That's why I love you. Are the pizza muffins ready?

Fry: He's here for revenging. That's why.

Unattractive giant monster: No! Wait! I'm here to apologise.

Leela: For your looks? [Leela laughs.] Nice one.

Unattractive giant monster: Well, yes, actually. It is sort of related to that. Can we talk? Grabbing your spaceship was not okay. I lost my cool and I'm sorry. In group, I learned that I tend to be a bit...

Hermes: Repulsive?

Unattractive giant monster: Sensitive. So now I'm, like, trying to work on my attitude and project an air of positivity.

Zoidberg: You're projecting an air of something.

[Zoidberg waves hid hand in front of his face.]

Amy: You're so stinky, you need right guard and left guard.

Unattractive giant monster: I'll take your hygiene advice to heart.

Professor Farnsworth: You're ugly!

[The Professor laughs maniacally.]
[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters. The unattractive giant monster is facing the crew, gathered in the tower balcony, and is shot from behind.]
[The shot is revealed to have come from a tank driven by Zapp and Kif, who look drunk.]

Zapp: Yo, freakshow! Your face has been declared a weapon of mass disgusting!

[Kif laughs.]

Kif: Timeless.

Unattractive giant monster: Okay, deep breath, deep breath. [The monster takes two deep breaths and is shot again. He grabs a giant phone from his left pocket and makes a speed dial.] Dr. Lesterman? I'm sorry to bother you, but I think I'm close to a temper-control incident.

Female voice: [on the phone] You have reached the office of Dr. Judy Lesterman and Dr. Ira Rodkiss. The office is now closed. If this is a pharmacy call—

[The monster shrieks and throws his phone at the tank, partially destroying it.]

Unattractive giant monster: That's it! I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but I... [The monster kicks a building, throws another to the sea, and turns to Zapp and Kif.] I will destroy you all. [The monster turns to the crew.] I won't stop until your whole planet is as ugly as you perceived me to be!

Zapp: That will take a very long time.

[Kif laughs.]

Kif: Oh, God! Stop. Stop.

[Zapp and Kif jump out of the tank just before the monster smashes it. The monster continues destroying buildings. Seated on the couch in the employee lounge, Bender drinks from his pineapple glass as he watches the event live on TV. The monster can be seen from the window.]

Bender: Ah!

[Fry enters.]

Fry: Blunder? You're the only one who's sober. You gotta do somethin'.

Bender: Haven't I done enough already?

Fry: Please... Stop the monster. Just do that one thing.

Bender: Make it zero and you got a deal.

[Fry sighs.]

Fry: What if I folded the Professor's sweaters for you?

Bender: Both of them?! You mean you'll do two things and I only have to do one thing?

Fry: Yeah. To save the world.

[Bender laughs.]

Fry: Sucker.

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]

Bender: Legion of Benders, come onto me. We have one thing to do!

Bender duplicates: [in unison] Screw that.

Bender: Oh, come on, you lazy jerks. If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one quintillionth of a thing.

[The Bender duplicates sigh.]

Bender duplicates: Alright.

Bender: Whoa. Big Bender starts right now.

Unattractive giant monster: Get a shave, ugly!

[He sighs.]

Bender: How about some aftershave, dumpy?

Unattractive giant monster: You big bully!

Bender: You ugly nerd! Enjoy a nice guggenheim swirley. Let this beatin' be a lesson about never attacking those more handsome than oneself.

Unattractive giant monster: All I wanted was to apologise to you people! But now I have to kill you.

Bender: How? By makin' me look at you?

[Bender laughs.]

Unattractive giant monster: No. By makin' you look at... My momma!

[Bender screams.]

Bender: Your momma's so ugly!

Unattractive giant monster: I told you not to talk about my momma!

Male voice: Walk toward the light, Bender.

Bender: Aw, man. Do I have to walk?

Fry: [extendedy] No!

[The monster laughs evilly.]

Unattractive giant monster: [extendedly] No! At last, I'm beautiful.

Bender: Yeah, if you're in the grave dust.

[The crew cheers.]

Fry: Bender, you did it!

Bender: No, [imitating Fry's drunken voice] we did it. [with normal voice] Ladies and gentlemen, if together we were able to defeat this giant space monster, think how also we might defeat the monsters of poverty and disease and unliteracy. In this spirit, I ask my fellow Benders to join me in working diligently to—

[The Bender duplicates boo.]

Bender duplicate A: Go to hell!

Bender duplicate B: Come on. Let's go some place where we don't have to do one quintillionth of a thing all the time.

[The Bender duplicates leave Earth.]

Bender: Well, that was dumb.

[Scene: Outside the Planet Express headquarters.]
[Cut to: The Planet Express conference room. The Professor, Hermes, Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg are seated around the table, suffering from the hangover.]

Fry: Looks like it's full of dig dogs.

Amy: Man, we're way drunk. What happened, Professor?

Professor Farnsworth: Something absolutely incredible! The sweaters got folded.

[The crew gasps.]

Zoidberg: But how?

Fry: I didn't do it. Bender, did you learn a lesson about not bein' lazy while the rest of us were bombed out of our gourds?

Bender: Maybe I did, Fry. Maybe I did. Or maybe I rescued one last mini-Bender to fold stupid, ugly sweaters while I laughed at him. [Bender giggles.] I guess we'll never know.

[Bender exhales smoke from his cigar towards the camera, revealing that it is not smoke at all, but a cloud of countless mini-Benders, all laughing evilly.]
[Closing Credits.]