Transcript:Bender's Game Part 3

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Transcript for
Bender's Game Part 3
Written byMichael Rowe & Eric Kaplan
Transcribed byMini-Me

[Start of opening credits. Caption: Current eBay Bid: $8.51]
[Scene: Channel √2 newsdesk.]

Morbo: Previously, on puny Futurama. Mwaah! [he devours the camera]

[Scene: Nibbler is in the litter box looking at Bender.]

Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the fancy men. [He scoops Nibbler's poop and dumps it in his chest.]

[Scene: Bender's apartment. Bender is washing a pot and Fry is next to him.]

Fry: Bender, I think you might be [visuals cut to Bender running around with a sword, wearing a pot on his head] playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.

[Scene: Fry and Bender in the Conference Room.]

Bender: I know not of this Bender. I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.

[Fry backs out of the room.]
[Scene: HAL Institute, Dr. Perceptron's office.]

Dr. Perceptron: Please, send in the patient.

[Bender, wearing a straight jacket, falls from a door in the ceiling into a chair.]

Bender: Wee!

[Scene: Planet Express conference room, Leela struggles with a collar around her neck]

Farnsworth: The collar will be triggered any time your thoughts turn to violence. [She is shocked.]

Leela: Ouch!

[Scene: Fry, Farnsworth and Leela enter an elevator, Leela's collar is shocking her]

Fry: Jeez, doesn't that shock collar hurt?

Leela: Actually, I guess I'm starting to associate it with the pleasure of beating people up.

[Scene: Tea with Titans set]

Morbo: Mom, you control the world's only dark matter mine.

[Scene: Transitional shot of the Planet Express ship approahing the mine, then inside the mine; Fry, Farnsworth and Leela look out at the caged Nibblonians]

Leela: My God! This isn't a crap mine. It's a crap farm. [Cut to shots of the caged Nibblonians, their poop is being harvested and transported through clear pipes.]

[End of opening credits. Billboard lists creators and is crashed into]

Leela: Oh, my poor little snuzzy-wuzzams. Are they treating you okay?

Nibbler: No, they are force-feeding us so we poop more dark matter. It's horrible. [A chime tings and chickens fly out of a hole at the rear of his cage and he "reluctantly" eats them whole then belches.] Those are good. You've got to help us.

Nibblonians: Help us!

Nibblonian: Help us, for God's sakes!

[Nibbler drops a turd and it is transported out of his cage via a tube. Nibbler whimpers.]

Leela: Nibbler made a bo-bo.

Nibbler: But not on my terms. I will not be treated like... Hey, wait, aren't you amazed I can speak?

Fry: Well, actually, no. You forgot to blank our memories after you spoke last time.

Nibbler: Then why did you let me eat Friskies and make bo-bo in a litter box?

Fry: Well, you're cuter that way.

Farnsworth: Cute as a baby's buttocks.

Leela: So what happened? How did Mom capture all you Nibblonians?

Nibbler: [He sighs.] It all began 36 years ago... [He looks at his watch.] Now! On the planet Vergon 6. [Fade to the surface of Vergon 6. There are many animals moving around.] (VO:) It was a veritable Eden, brimming with unique and irreplaceable species. [Nibbler eats a tortoise looking animal.] Most of which were delicious. [he belches up the animal's shell.] I was Supreme Fuzzler of a Nibblonian scientific outpost. It was paradise, until they came. One of your DOOP ships struck dark matter, little realizing it was not a natural deposit, but rather centuries of Nibblonian fecal material.

Fry: The big faecal enchilada. Anyone else hungry?

Nibbler: The DOOP contracted a ruthless businesswoman to spearhead the mining operation.

Leela: Let me guess. Mom?

Nibbler: The very same.

Fry: Can I also guess Mom?

Nibbler: To reduce cost she started a new enterprise, Mom's Friendly Robots, to build robot slaves. Remember this was back in the days before Robot Lincoln.

Mom: Faster, faster!

Robot Slave: I'm going exactly as fast as you built me to go.

Mom: Oh, wise guy, huh?

[She unplugs him from the socket and whips him with the cord, then plugs him back in.]

Robot Slave: Ow!

Nibbler: Eventually, the planet was mined down to a hollow shell and my people were forced to evacuate. [A Nibblonian ship is shown leaving the planet. Pan over to see Nibbler squatting down in some plants.] Alas, I had eaten a day-old Swinosaur for lunch. And while doing some evacuating of my own, I was left behind. [He makes noises that often accompany bowel movements. Mom is watching him Mom: So, that's where it comes from. We may have a whole new source of Dark Matter on our hands.

Igner: Eww!

Nibbler: As it turned out I was the lucky one. [The Nibblonian ship is seen entering Mom's ship.] Unbeknownst to me, Mom captured my colleagues and enslaved them here in this... this... crap farm.

Nibblonian: There's nothing to do but eat and crap, eat and crap. It's like visiting my parents.

Nibbler: As for me, I emerged from behind the "bush of many uses" to find I had been left behind. I was doomed, doomed.

[Scene from Loves Labours Lost in Space]

Leela: Hello, there.

Nibbler: Startled, my cuteness reflex kicked in.

Leela: I'll call him Nibbler.

Nibbler: A silly name for a high-ranking Fuzzler. But, hey, I was glad to be rescued. [Flashback Nibbler watches Vergon 6 explode.]
<poem>Leela: But then, how did you end up here with the others?

Nibbler: I was kidnapped yesterday by Mom's vile sons in their moronic disguises.

Igner: I was an owl exterminator. [They turn around. Igner is pointing a gun at them.] Do you have the crysal?

Farnsworth: It's pronounced "crystal," you lump.

[A noise is heard from the door behind them.]

Igner: Go, run fast. [He points at the large pipe labelled "Primary Chicken Valve." A marching is heard and the door opens. Walt, Larry and many Killbots enter the room.]
<poem>Walt: Did you see anyone?

Igner: Me?

Walt: Yes, you. You're the only one here.

Igner: If I'm the only one here, then how could I see anyone?

Larry: He's got a point, Walt.

Walt: So does my knee.

[Walt hits Larry with his knee. Cut to the three navigating through the chicken shute.]

Fry: This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the chickens.

[Scene: Bender is having an robotomy. Nurse Ratchet pulls a lever and Bender's arms and legs are restrained.]

Nurse Ratchet: Don't worry, those clamps are for my own protection.

Dr. Perceptron: Do you know where you are, Bender?

Bender: Sure do, I'm in the magical land of Cornwood, frolicking with wenches.

Dr. Perceptron: Close. You're in the loony bin for a robotomy. [He begins drilling through Bender's eye.]
<poem>Nurse Ratchet: Can't you just use the access panel?

Dr. Perceptron: Either way is fine.

Bender: [He sniffs.] Does anyone else smell burning dragon beak?

[Cut to Mom's office. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth are in the ventilation ducts above. Leela opens the grated panel and they gasp.]

Mom: Wherever you are, Farnsworth, my boys will find you. [She pans over the security monitors on her desk. Her three sons approach her.]
<poem>Walt: They've eluded us, Mother. But rest assured, we've already slapped each other, so there's no need to... [She triple slams them.]
<poem>Mom: You'll thank me some day when you are slapping your own kids. [She walks over to the single non-local metaparticle crystal.] I know Farnsworth's game. He is going to try to poke his clammy old crystal at my hot fiery crystal.

Larry: Mom!

Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... [She slaps Larry.] Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless.

[She sits back down in her chair and a slipper floats down and lands on her head. She examines it and spots the three of them shuffling along the top of a circular vent. She screams and then Farnsworth screams back.]

Mom: Get them!

[Her sons try to climb the icey wall to reach them.]

Leela: [Swings over to the top of the incline the brothers are trying to scale and slides down, boot first, at them. She kicks them and then slides across the icy floor. The collar is emitting a shock.] Ooh. That feels good.

Mom: Oh, for crying out... [She fires at Farnsworth, but the shots quickly whither away to nothing.] Oh, the freaking battery's dead. Walt, where's the charger?

Walt: In the hardware drawer, Mother. [Leela punches him and she is shocked.]
<poem>Mom: Damn tangled mess of wires.

Farnsworth: We're almost there. The crystals are beginning to engorge. [Leela and the brothers are trying to battle on ice, Mom is trying to untangle the charger and Fry is hanging onto Farnsworth as he leans closer to the single non-local metaparticle crystal.] I can't quite reach. Fry, grab onto my easy-fit waistband. Just a few more inches. Come on, really wedgie it on in there. [Fry pulls harder on the underpants and they rip, sending Farnsworth toward the ground. He, somehow, lands on his feet.] So, that's why they call me the Catman. [Fry lands behind him.]
<poem>Mom: Nobody move. I've found the charger. [She clicks the trigger twice and nothing happens.] Hang on. I'm on it. Okay, there!

Fry: Save us, Catman.

Mom: It's over, Hubert. Give me the anti-backwards crystal.

Farnsworth: Never! [He eats the crystal and begins to chuckle. The crystal glows in his stomach, along with the keys to the ship.]
<poem>Mom: Oh, bravo. You're in a crap-harvesting factory, genius. Walt! Larry! Start harvesting. [Walt picks up a large syringe labelled "Prunes" and Larry picks up a bucket.]

Farsnworth: No! [Mom laughs.]
[Cut back to the robotomy.]
<poem>Dr. Perceptron: I will now delicately jerk out your imagination, severing fantasy's grip on your nerd-circuit.

Bender: Cornwood! [Purple waves expanding from Bender's head fills the screen and Bender vanishes in a bright flash.]
<poem>Dr. Perceptron: Illogical. Illogical.

Nurse Ratchet: But, Doctor, I love you. [Dr. Perceptron's head explodes.]
[Cut back to Mom. She is still laughing.]
<poem>Mom: Oh, what now?

[The same purple waves move through the office and the floor begins to crack. Everybody falls into the hole with the ice and scream.]
[Scene: A green pasture is shown upside down. The ground shakes and rocks blast out from underneath. The shot rotates 180 degrees and Fry climbs out of the hole.]

Frydo: This is crazy. Ow! What the... You okay, Leela?

Leegola: I think so.

Frydo: Wait a second. Is there something different about your hooves? [He gasps.]
<poem>Leegola: Oh, Lord. I'm half-horse and half-naked.

Frydo: Where the hell are we, hell?

[A horse is heard neighing and someone approaches them on it.]

Frydo: Bender?

Titanius Anglesmith: I know not of this Bender. I'm Titanius Anglesmith. Welcome to Cornwood!

[Scene: Titanius Anglesmith's Castle. A feast is taking place.]

Titanius Anglesmith: Wretched peasants, put aside your cares and feast on the succulent flesh of the roast munchkin!

[Frydo and Leegola both show distaste toward the rotating, crispy munchkin.]

Peasent Cook: Care for a slice of scroto?

Frydo: Uh... that's his name, right?

Peasent Cook: 'Tis also that, sir.

Titanius Anglesmith: We're honored this eve by a visit from my friends of old, Frydo and Leegola. So let the dwarves do their gay dance and let the gnomes play their sissy piccolos. [They begin dancing and music is played.] Dance! Dance, you little freaks. Faster. [The music speeds up.] Faster! [The dancing and music speeds up more and a dwarf trips and falls toward Titanius Anglesmith.]
<poem>Dwarf: My ankle!

Titanius Anglesmith: To the kitchen with him!

Dwarf: Wait! Wait! Wait! I do impressions. Behold! The swamp hag: "Get out of my swamp, you kids!"

Titanius Anglesmith: Don't let him get too crispy.

Calculon: Lord Anglesmith.

Titanius Anglesmith: You have ridden hard, noble squire. May I offer you a horn of ale and a shank of dwarf?

Calculon: 'Tis dire news, sire. Dark riders approach.

Titanius Anglesmith: [He gasps.] You shall be handsomely rewarded, sir knight. We ride at once! [He pulls one of two ropes in front of a sign labelled "Drawbridge" and Calculon is squished by the drawbridge.] Oops! [He pulls the second rope and the drawbridge flips over to the other side.] Frydo! Saddle up that trusty steed.

[Fry rides Leegola out of the castle and is holding a lance. Titanius Anglesmith is behind them.]

Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much?

Titanius Anglesmith: Foul beast-bags! Meet thy doom!

[Titanius Anglesmith lodges his lance in the ground and is thrown off his horse, off screen.]

Waltazar: Follow me.

[Frydo rides toward the three sons, but is impaled by Waltazar's lance against a tree. Ignus runs into Waltazar and impales him and Frydo.]

Waltazar: Damn thee, Ignus.

Larius: Well, you said to follow you.

Waltazar: Well, now I say follow this! [He hits Larius with the handle of his lance. Frydo falls to the ground and drops the Die of Power on the ground.]
<poem>Larius: The Die of Power! He's rolling it.

Waltazar: Oh, no!

Titanius Anglesmith: I'm back bab-... [He gasps and falls to his knees as he watches the die roll.]
<poem>Die of Power: Seven. [An appendix comes out of the die and the seventh attack is "Banish Foes."]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: "Banish foes"? Cool.

Waltazar: No! No!

[The three sons disappear from their horses and reappear in a swamp.]

Larius: I got to say, I had no idea the Die of Power was so powerful.

Waltazar: Did you have any idea of... [He backhands Larius.]
<poem>Swamp Hag: Get out of my swamp, you kids!

[Scene: Titanius Anglesmith, Leegola and the wounded Frydo are riding through a forest.]

Leegola: I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was really exciting. I've never felt so alive. [Frydo makes death noises.] What else can we slay? Is that a hobbit over there?

Titanius Anglesmith: No, that's a hobo and a rabbit. But they're making a hobbit.

Frydo: Thank God, an outhouse.

Titanius Anglesmith: Hush! This be no outhouse, but the lair of the great wizard Grayfarn.

[Titanius Anglesmith knocks on the door.]

Greyfarn: Who is it? [He opens the door.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: 'Tis I, Titanius.

Greyfarn: Just a moment. [He closes the door.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: [He shakes his head and makes a disgusted noise.] Methinks the wizard be casting a powerful spell, indeed.

[A zipper is heard and the door opens, but the interior has changed from an outhouse to a room with a fireplace.]

Greyfarn: Come in! Come in! Yes. 'Tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you failed to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have a second chance.

Frydo: So, this land is real?

Greyfarn: Oh, dreadfully real. If you die here, you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It's like Kansas.

Leegola: God help us.

Greyfarn: Cornwood's troubles began hundreds or perhaps millions of years ago. (VO:) Deep in the Geysers of Gygax, Momon herself injection-molded the Dice of Power from the living plastic.

Momon (in flashback): [She picks up the freshly molded dice and begins laughing.] Damn, these are hot.

Leegola: Ah ha! In our universe she's called Mom.

Greyfarn: In your universe, are you taught not to interrupt? Evidently not. Anyway, Momon spawned three rotten sons, whom you've already had the displeasure of meeting. Waltazar, Larius, and the dumbest of all, the halfwit Ignus, bastard son of Momon and the brainless He-demon. Curse you, Momon, queen of all that is evil and not very good in bed. And I'm not just saying that because she dumped me. [Fade to flashback. Momon is plucking her eyebrows with a scorpion while Greyfarn is playing a euchalali.] (VO:) Yes, I was once her consort. I was blinded by love, and later, scorpion venom. [Momon squirts venom in his eyes.] I'm blind! (Out of flashback:) But Momon has one weakness. She put too much of her power into this. The generalissimo of dice. [He places the black Die of Power on a table.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Well, bite my shiny metal face. [He slams his face against the die and the table.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Don't be foolish, Titanius. If you had paid attention in freshman alchemy, instead of frequenting the bawdyhouse, you'd know there's only one way to destroy it. In the boiling plastic from which it was molded.

Frydo: Like that machine that makes wax lions at the zoo.

Greyfarn: Quiet, you. We must infiltrate the Geysers of Gygax, the impenetrable stronghold of Momon.

Titanius Anglesmith: Impossible. Impossible, I say.

Greyfarn: No, Titanius. For we maintain one advantage, the element of surprise. [Pan over to the die, Momon is watching through it while laughing.]

[Scene: The crew is walking through a light forest.]

<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Verily, our quest has begun.

Hermaphrodite: Stop right there.

[They gasp as he walks out from behind a bush with others. They too are centaurs.]

Frydo: Hermes?

Leegola: He's a centaur like me.

Frydo: You wish.

Hermaphrodite: I am Hermaphrodite, most beautiful of centaurs. Gaze upon me and weep at my loveliness.

Greyfarn: Very well.

Titanius Anglesmith: Loveliest of centaurs, we seek to end Momon's reign of evil. Have you stout fighters at your command?

Hermaphrodite: One thousand archers of truest aim. [Pan over to many archers standing on a hill.] Fire!

Titanius Anglesmith: Hey guys, I forgot I had this pumpkin. [He holds up the pumpkin and the archers' arrows carve it into a sculpture of Titanius. One more arrow comes in on fire and lights the jack-o-lantern.]
<poem>Leegola: I knew it. My people are mighty warriors. Our enemies will be like Swiss cheese with blood coming out of the holes.

[The centaurs object.]

Female Centaur: We centaurs are creatures of peace.

Leegola: Oh, Lord.

Hermaphrodite: Violence is never justified. We shall not join your quest. And furthermore, if mayhem be your intent, you may not cross our lands.

Leegola: Or what?

Hermaphrodite: [He is intimidated.] Or... Uh... Mmm?

[Scene: The crew is trying to find their way to Momon, but are having difficulties. They travel over a large wooden bridge. Cut to them looking over a map while standing on a cliff in the snow.]

Greyfarn: We're not there, we're here.

Titanius Anglesmith: No, this way.

Greyfarn: I mean, here.

[They walk back over the bridge they first crossed. Cut to them standing on the shoulders of a tree that is walking over a large body of water. He then sets them down on land.]

Greyfarn: Thank you, kindly, Treedledum.

Treedledum: Okey-doke. Anything else I can do?

[Cut to the crew around a fire that is burning Treedledum.]

Leegola: You know who I'm gonna miss? That tree guy.

[It's now daytime and there are many camps positioned along the visible path to Momon.]

Greyfarn: Bad news, fancy men. Momon's guards stand watch at the pass. 'Tis as if she somehow anticipated us.

Titanius Anglesmith: And so our quest comes to an end. I only regret not giving up sooner.

Greyfarn: Fret not, Titanius. For we still have one hope, the Cave of Hopelessness.

Titanius Anglesmith: Let me know how that turns out.

[Scene: The foursome are walking toward the entrance of the Cave of Hopelessness. There is a large ogre acting as a bouncer.]

Ogre: Halt. Are you on the list? I'm not seeing you on the list.

Leegola: I'll split this doofus in half.

Titanius Anglesmith: Wait, I got it. Yeah. My cousin's in the band. The band of merry men. Please, we were already in there. I just need to go back for my coat.

[The water behind them begins bubbling. An aquatic version of Amy rises from the water. Frydo gasps.]

Gynecaladriel: I am Gynecaladriel, queen of the water nymphos.

Leegola: All right. I'll split this doofus in half.

Gynecaladriel: Stand aside and I will use my powers to overwhelm the guard. [Time cut, the four of them are standing at the entrance. Gynecaladriel walks out from behind a bush where the ogre is asleep and ties up her top.] Behold, the deed is done.

Titanius Anglesmith: Hi oh!

[Cut to them walking through the cave holding torches.]

Frydo: Mr. Wizard, why is this place called the Cave of Hopelessness?

Greyfarn: Oh, fear not, lad. 'Tis named for its discoverer, Reginald Hopelessness...

Frydo: Whew!

Greyfarn: ...the first man to be eaten alive by the Tunneling Horror.

[They stop as shadows appear on the wall of the curve ahead of them.]

Frydo: What's that? The Tunneling Horror?

Gynecaladriel: No, it's morcs.

Morcs: Hey, listen. Nanu, nanu. Shazbot.

Titanius Anglesmith: Oh, God, no. They're so aggravating.

[The morcs speak really quickly while being slaughtered by the crew.]

Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Nanu, nanu. Reality, what a concept. Fantastic. [During the killing, Gynecaladriel ends up kissing a mork.] Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

Gynecaladriel: Shut up! Shut up!

Morcs: Oh, fantastic. Oh, fantastic. Oh, wonderful.

Frydo: Maybe it'll go away if we just don't laugh at it.

Titanius Anglesmith: It doesn't.

[Cut to the team backing out of the tunnel and into a large area of the cave. Leegola is killing the remaining morcs in the tunnel.]

Morcs: Nanu, nanu. [Leegola turns away from the tunnel.] Oh, shazbot. [She kicks the last mork with her back hooves.]
<poem>Frydo: Well, at least we didn't have to face the tunneling whatchimacallit. [The cave begins to shake.] Uh-oh.

[Zoidberg's head pokes out from behind a wall.]

Zoidberg: Enough already with the banging and the swashbuckling.

[He crawls over the wall to reveal he's a large, centepede-esque creature. Everybody screams as he stand in front of them.]

Leegola: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy killing you. [she shoots an arrow into his chest and he snaps it off.]
<poem>Zoidberg: Watch where you're shooting that thing. [She shoots him again.] Again? What, am I talking to myself over here?

Leegola: Mutilate! [She draws her sword and begins stabbing his belly.]
<poem>Zoidberg: Okay. Now, I'm getting a little mad even.

[He makes noises as he snatches up the five of them with his claws. Leegola gets loose.]

Leegola: I'll kill you and eat your heart, you abomination. [She slices his chest open, pulls out his heart and tears a chunk out with her teeth.]
<poem>Zoidberg: [He laughs.] Don't make me laugh. The very idea that removing only one of my two hearts could... Hey, what are you doing down there? [Leegola pulls out his second heart and drops it.] Now, I'm dead. [He falls to the ground, but Leegola is still stabbing him.]
<poem>Frydo: Leela, it's over. You killed him enough.

Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror.

Zoidberg: What? I'm not the Tunneling Horror. I hate that guy. Always with the tunneling. Anyway, I'm dead. [He lays back down.]
<poem>Leegola: So, you're just an innocent monster. Oh, God. What have I done?

[The cave starts rumbling.]

Zoidberg: Oh! There he goes again.

[A large, killer worm creature comes out of the ground and roars at Leegola and Frydo, who are standing on Zoidberg. Everybody screams.]
[Closing Credits.]