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|Written by||Ken Keeler|
|Transcribed by||The Neutral Planet|
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Smell-O-Vision Users Insert Nostril Tubes Now.]
- [Scene: Vladimir's Bedroom. A robot croaks and his arm shakes. He tries to clench his fist but is too weak and his arm falls beside him. He is lies in an old four-poster bed. The room around him is covered in cobwebs and lit by candles. A human butler stands at one side of the bed and a Doctorbot and the Preacherbot stand on the other side. The Doctorbot opens the old robot's chest cabinet and inside a life-support machine beeps and stops. The robot is dead. The Doctorbot closes the robot's eyes.]
Doctorbot: Notify his survivors.
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge.]
Bender: [singing] B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender! [He walks into the room. Leela and Amy read magazines and Fry looks at a copy of Playbot. Bender dances.] B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender! Sayin' B-E-N-D-ER--
- [Enter Hermes. He picks up a remote control and mutes Bender. Bender carries on dancing, unaware.]
Hermes: Mail call! Amy, here's your designer lingerie catalogue. Fry, Sadie's Bra Parade and, Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.
- [Leela snatches the catalogue from him.]
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
Hermes: And for Bender-- Uh-oh! A black-bordered envelope.
Amy: Oh, no! Someone you know must've died.
- [Bender takes the envelope and Hermes un-mutes him.]
Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies; those guys suck! [He opens the envelope and gasps.] Oh, no! My uncle Vladimir.
Fry: Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. When's the funeral?
Bender: Tomorrow, at the family castle. Followed by the reading of his will. [He screws up the letter and throws it behind him.] Well, I'm rich. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always hated! [He walks through the door then comes back.] C'mon, it'll be fun!
- [Scene: Eastern Europe. The Planet Express ship lands during a lightning storm. It gets caught in a huge cobweb between some trees before landing on a landing pad near a small settlement.]
- [Scene: Thermostadt. The staff walk into the capital of the Robo-Hungarian Empire. The town is populated by robots, dressed like 11th-century folk. Bender addresses a robot feeding a horse.]
Bender: Uh, pardon me, my good simpleton. Could you take us to yon castle?
- [He points to a large, imposing castle on a mountain top. The townsfolk mutter and run indoors. An old hunchbacked robot hobbles over to them.]
Robot #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.
Robot #2: For example: All of us say that.
Farnsworth: Fuf! Superstitious robot mumbo-jumbo.
Robot #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not! With all your modern science are you any closer to understanding the mystery of how a robot walks or talks?
Farnsworth: Yes, you idiot. [He opens the robot's chest cabinet.] The circuit diagram is right here on the inside of your case.
- [The robot slams it shut.]
Robot #2: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
- [Scene: Mountain. A hover-carriage pulled by two horses skids around a corner on a narrow mountain pass. It stops suddenly. Bender peeps out of the window.]
Robot #2: I will go this far and no further.
- [They are right outside the front door of the castle.]
- [Scene: Castle Cemetery. The staff and Vladimir's other relatives stand in the cemetery which is populated by such robots as Blimpf, Hovermayor of Thermostadt ("I Will Rise Again") and The Red LeBaron. Vladimir's gravestone has "Vladimir 2790-3001. Efficient Father And Husband" engraved on it.]
Preacherbot: I now commend Vladimir's remains to the earth. Filings to filings; rust to rust.
- [Four pallbearerbots carry Vladimir's body towards the grave, package his body in polystyrene and a cardboard box, stamp "Return To Sender" on it and place it in the ground. A Fembot weeps and Preacherbot fills the hole.]
- [Scene: Offices of "Prosecutron 900-B, Execu-Tor, & Prosecutron 900-C, Solicitors." Everyone is gathered for the reading of the will.]
Execu-Tor: [reading] To my loyal butler, You There, for his decades of service, I leave a pittance, to be paid in 20 equal instalments of one-twentieth of a pittance each. [You There bursts into tears.] To my lazy, spoiled son, Tandy, who never learned the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $10 million fortune.
- [Tandy leans over to a Fembot.]
Tandy: [whispering] Is that a lot?
Execu-Tor: [reading] And to my loving nephew, Bender, assuming he's not responsible for my death, I leave my castle.
Bender: Yes! Let's stay there tonight.
Execu-Tor: [reading] On condition that he spend one night within its walls.
Bender: Oh, man, there's always a catch!
- [Scene: Castle Dining Room. The staff sit around a long table. Lightning flashes outside. Bender sips from a glass.]
Bender: Ah! I got a good vibe from this place: Nice long dinner table, quiet, well-behaved spiders, graveyard-adjacent. Yep! It's gonna be--
- [He drops his glass and screams.]
Leela: What is it?
- [Bender peeps over the top of the table and points.]
Bender: That painting, the eyes are watching me!
- [Farnsworth walks towards a portrait of Commodore LXIV.]
Farnsworth: Hmm. [He traces his glass backwards and forwards in front of the picture. The eyes follow the glass.] It has motor eye sensors attached to motion detectors.
Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall! Although-- [The MS Windows intro music plays, as if from nowhere. Someone laughs.] What's that?
Zoidberg: I don't know, but it's infectious!
- [He laughs.]
- [Scene: Castle Parlour. The staff sit in front of a roaring fire. Bender's teeth chatter.]
Bender: No doubt about it, this place is haunted.
Hermes: Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago.
Bender: The last human ghost. But robot ghosts?
- [He shudders. The Windows music plays again. Bender gasps and points at some blood-red numbers appearing on a wall. Leela and Amy turn around.]
Leela: [reading] 0101100101. [talking] What does it mean?
Bender: It's just gibberish. [He turns and gasps as he sees the numbers reflected in a mirror à la The Shining.] [reading] 1010011010?
- [He screams and runs out of the room.]
- [Cut to: Castle Corridor. He runs down the corridor being chased by a ghostly toaster with wings and the Windows logo. He runs around a corner and gasps.]
Bender: Uncle Vladimir!
Vladimir-Ghost: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead!
Bender: That's what they said about being alive.
- [Some robot ghosts appear from paintings on the wall.]
Robot Ghosts: [chanting] Join us! Join us! Join us, Bender!
- [Bender screams and runs away. Again.]
- [Cut to: Castle Cemetery. The staff dig up the graves of other robots. Fry hands Leela the toaster that chased Bender. Farnsworth dusts off a piece of sparking equipment.]
Farnsworth: Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms.
Hermes: Of course! It was so obvious!
Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense. We really should tell Bender there's nothing to be afraid of.
- [Bender runs screaming through the middle of the group and out onto the moors.]
- [Cut to: Moors. Bender stops running and leans against a wall as he catches his breath. He jumps and turns around. Behind him, two lights light up. They are the headlights on a car. It speeds towards him.]
Bender: [screaming] Nooo!
- [The car hits him and he goes flying, landing on the ground unconscious. The car howls at the moon and honks.]
- [Time Lapse. The next morning the staff find Bender in a crumpled mess on the ground.]
Fry: Bender, wake up! [Bender mumbles as he starts to come around.] He's OK! Quick, does anyone have any liquor?
- [Everyone offers him some. Bender takes a hip flask from Amy.]
Leela: Bender, what happened?
Bender: Somebody tried to run me over. And not with a normal hover-car. It crept along the ground on round, rubber feet, like a wolf!
Fry: Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much, or too little, I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.
Amy: Maybe he has. Look at these tracks.
- [She points at some tyre tracks. Bender screams.]
Leela: I think Bender may be telling the truth.
- [The others scream.]
- [Scene: The ship flies back to New New York City later that night.]
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The next morning, Bender staggers into the lounge, where the other staff already are. His eyes are bloodshot.]
Zoidberg: Bender, you look awful. I prescribe make-up. Here. It just so happens I have my Mary Kay sample case!
Bender: Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares all night about cars running people over.
Zoidberg: Many people dream of a fresh, new look. And Mary Kay can make those dreams come true.
- [Enter Leela.]
Leela: Look at this. They found those same rubbery tracks right here in New New York. [She drops a newspaper onto the table. The headline "Hit And Run" dominates the front page.] There was a hit-and-run by the robot porno theatre.
- [Bender gasps.]
Bender: Robot porno theatre? I was in that ... general area last night. Whoever ran me down out on the moors must've followed me back here.
Hermes: Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big, hallucinating baby.
Bender: Yeah? Could a big, hallucinating baby do this: [crying] I scared!
- [Scene: New New York City Street. A grey car drives across rooftops and down the transport tubes. In an alley two vandals smash up a car with a blernsball bat and a crowbar. One laughs.]
Vandal #1: I don't know which I like more: Smashing cars or smashing faces.
Vandal #2: Well, lucky you don't gotta decide tonight. Now come on, we got church tomorrow. [The grey car quietly follows them. It rolls over a manhole cover and quickly parks.] Did you hear something?
- [They both look around then carry on walking.]
Vandal #1: Ah, it was probably just a golden marmoset.
- [The car revs its engine.]
Vandal #2: That don't sound like no golden marmoset I ever heard.
- [They run into a building called The Squatterly.]
- [Cut to: The Squatterly. They close the door behind them, catch their breath and high-five.]
Vandal #1: Made it!
- [Vandal #2 presses the elevator button.]
Vandal #2: So anyway, what're you wearing tomorrow?
- [The elevator doors open. The car is in there. The vandals scream.]
- [Cut to: New New York City Street. The car honks and howls and it echoes around the city.]
- [Scene: Impound Lot 136. The next morning Bender wakes up in a puddle of oil. He groans and wipes some oil from his mouth.]
Bender: Where--? What the--? [He tastes it.] Transmission fluid? Where have I been? What happened?
- [Sal kicks him.]
Sal: Gets outta here, yous lousy bum!
Bender: Please, I'm scared.
Sal: We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy facade? Now beat it!
- [Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender recounts his tale to Fry and Leela.]
Bender: I passed out around midnight, which is much earlier that usual, and when I woke up I found these in my chest cabinet.
- [He pulls out some fluffy dice.]
Fry: Aw, relax, buddy. You were probably just shooting some big, fuzzy craps.
Bender: No, I think I may have hurt someone. Oh, Lord! I'm on the verge of a nervous meltdown.
- [He bangs his head.]
Fry: Jeez, Bender, you're scaring me. You're going wacko!
Bender: You're right, I need professional help. And damn the expense.
- [Scene: Carnival. Bender's "professional help" is a Circus Fortune-teller machine which costs 5c.]
Bender: Damn the expense!
- [He puts 5c in and the gypsy lights up.]
Gypsy: My friend, you have nothing to worry about. Except a nightmare-ish life of unremitting horror!
Gypsy: For, you see, you are a were-car.
- [Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]
Bender: A were-car?
Gypsy: The car that ran you down on the moors was also a were-car. It beamed a virus to you through its demonic headlights.
Leela: That's crazy!
Gypsy: Yes. So crazy that it must be true! Each midnight, when your clock resets to zero, your hardware reconfigures into a murderous, four-wheeled car.
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it. Can't you help me?
Gypsy: Yes. But you must be willing to pay a terrible price.
Bender: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [He puts another 5c in.]
Gypsy: Follow me.
- [She walks off.]
- [Scene: Gypsy's Caravan. She reads "Curse Of The Were-Car For Windows 98".]
Gypsy: According to this ancient read-me file, your only hope is to destroy the original were-car.
Bender: I'm with you.
Gypsy: In its death throes, the dread car will beam out the virus's uninstall program, thus ridding you of the curse.
Bender: And otherwise I can never die?
Gypsy: Who said that? Sure you can die. You want to die?
- [She points a laser at him.]
Bender: No! I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own!
Gypsy: Then live on, forever cursed. Each night, your attacks will become more gruesome until, one dark night, you are doomed to kill your dearest friend.
- [Fry gulps.]
Fry: I wouldn't wanna be me right now.
Gypsy: [pointing] Now go! Go! [She presses against the glass and topples forwards.] Uh, could one of you just-- Ah, forget it. I'll just sleep here.
- [She snores and the others leave.]
- [Scene: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Leela finishes welding Bender to the wall.]
Leela: There. No rampaging for you tonight.
Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?
Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.
Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.
- [Scene: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Fry and Leela leave the building.]
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month and freeze them.
- [The two part company. Above them, the huge digital clock displays 11:58:48, 49, 50, 51, 52...]
- [Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Bender stirs in his sleep. His internal clock reaches midnight and the were-car routine begins. He wakes up. His arm turns into a wheel, as do his other limbs. He falls from the wall and his casing forces itself into the shape of a car chassis. His head stretches and his eyes turn into headlights. They light up and the engine purrs.]
- [Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The Bender-car bursts through the wall and drives down the corridor.]
- [Cut to: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Bender smashes through the front doors and speeds off down the street. He howls and honks at the moon.]
- [Cut to: New New York City Street. Leela walks through the deserted city and gulps when she hears the honking. Fry turns as he hears it. Leela walks around a corner and comes to face to face with the Bender-car. She dives out of the way. Fry appears.]
Fry: [shouting] Bender, no!
Leela: [shouting] Fry, stay back!
- [Bender tears after her. He chases her into an alley and she comes to a dead end.]
Fry: [shouting] You jerk. I thought I was your best friend. What kind of two-timing kill-mobile are you?
- [Bender drives at Leela and she screams. She runs through a gap in the fence and into a junkyard.]
- [Cut to: Park Avenue Junk. Leela jumps onto a mattress and springs out of Bender's way. Bender crashes into some rubbish. He shakes it off and looks around for Leela. Leela drives up behind him in a crane and lifts him up with the grabber. Bender growls and honks.]
Fry: I can't believe this! Bender is supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second-degree murder me.
Leela: Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot.
Fry: Stop rubbing it in!
- [Time Lapse. The next morning Bender is nearly back to normal, though his right arm is still a wheel. He wakes up, screams and shakes it back to normal. Leela lowers him to the ground.]
Bender: Oh, God! Fry, I'm so glad to see you. I didn't hurt you, did I?
Fry: Not physically. But why don't you ask your new best friend, Leela?
Bender: I tried to run you over?
Leela: It was very sweet of you, Bender.
Bender: Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have love enough for two.
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter, orange wax in my ears.
Leela: Enough with the feelings, you two. If we're gonna cure Bender we've got to go back to the castle and hunt down the original were-car.
- [Scene: Thermostadt. The ship lands outside the town and Fry, Bender and Leela walk through the street. The robots make the sign of the cross but the crew take no notice.]
Fry: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Leela: Cursed, got it.
- [Scene: Outside Old Shack. The trio follow some tyre tracks to the garage door of a rickety old shack.]
Leela: The tracks lead here.
Fry: Thanks, eagle eye.
Leela: Now it's daylight, so he should be in robot form. But be careful: Many robots are stupid and violent.
Bender: [sarcastic] I wish I was stupid and violent. Then we'd see what's what, I'd pound him till--
- [He screams and someone rams a pitchfork at him.]
Yokelbot: Get ye to your houses, ye ignorant villagers.
- [He pokes Bender with his pitchfork.]
Leela: We are not ignorant villagers, we're sophisticated New New Yorkers. Whup his butt!
- [They dive on the robot and punch him.]
Yokelbot: Stop! What are ye doing?
Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.
Yokelbot: Ye think me be he?
Yokelbot: Nee. I mean, "no". I was given the curse many a year ago while on a bird-watching trip to the Arctic...
- [Scene: Arctic. The ship cruises over the icy landscape, lands and skids to a stop outside an igloo.]
Yokelbot: [voice-over] I was attacked by a vicious, motorised sled. The natives called it "The Abominable Snowmobile".
- [Scene: Igloo. The crew sit with an Inuitbot.]
Inuitbot: Yes, it's true. I ran over that bird-watching jerk and a hundred others. Even my best friend from aromatherapy school.
Fry: I once had a best friend who liked to smell things with me.
- [He glares at Bender.]
Inuitbot: Alas, I'm afraid I'm not the original were-car. I received the curse while taking a learning annex class from a famous robot actor.
- [Scene: Outside All My Circuits Soundstage. The crew go in.]
Inuitbot: [voice-over] You know him as Calculon.
- [Scene: Calculon's Dressing Room. Calculon is dressed in period costume. He dabs himself with Silver Pancake and Iron Blush.]
Calculon: [melodramatically] Oh, fate most cruel, would that my boundless acting skills would avail me a sword with which to slay this wretched curse.
Bender: Let's kick him some more.
Calculon: No, wait, let me explain. [melodramatically] It all began one fateful night a thousand years ago.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're a thousand years old? Your bio says you're 27!
Calculon: Lies! I change my identity and upgrade my appearance every few decades to avoid suspicion. I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
Fry: Look, are you the original were-car or not?
Calculon: No, but you are nearing the end of your search. For, you see, I was attacked by the original were-car.
Bender: Give us a name, MacButt!
Calculon: The year was 2019, and I was just a lowly robot arm...
- [Flashback. 2019: Car Factory.]
Calculon: [voice-over] ...working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan ... [He puts a door onto the side of a red car.] ... a savage, intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car, the left-turn signal from Charles Manson's VW, the windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider.
- [Flashback ends.]
Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil.
Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show though. Anyway...
- [Flashback. 2019: Car Factory.]
Calculon: [melodramatically; voice-over] Only after bringing Project Satan to life did they discover they had made a horrible mistake. [A man turns the key in the ignition.] For, you see, it was pure evil.
- [Project Satan's headlights light up and it rams Calculon. It honks and howls.]
- [Flashback ends.]
Leela: So what happened to Project Satan?
- [Scene: Paris. Bender. Leela and Fry stand near the Eiffel Tower looking around.]
Calculon: [voice-over] It's either in Paris, or much more likely...
- [Scene: Outside Chrysler Factory.]
Calculon: [voice-over] ...still in the abandoned automotive lab.
- [The Planet Express ship lands outside the building. Someone has sprayed "Anti-" in front of "Chrysler".]
- [Scene: Chrysler Factory. Rats run around the deserted building. Leela, Bender and Fry open the door and walk in.]
Leela: You guys distract the were-car and I'll kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
- [Time Lapse. They peer over a pile of debris.]
Bender: [whispering] Psst, there it is.
- [Project Satan is parked next to a furnace, sobbing.]
Leela: It looks so unhappy. Excuse me? Are you Project Satan? [It growls feebly.] Don't be afraid. We know what you are.
Project Satan: You do?
Leela: Would you like us to ... put you out of your misery?
Project Satan: Misery? What misery? I love killing people! Squishing them till their organs squirt out like chunky mustard.
Bender: Look, everyone loves killing people, but I don't wanna hurt my friends.
- [He puts his arms around Fry and Leela. Fry walks off in a huff. A bell tolls 12 outside. Bender's arms turn into wheels.]
Leela: Oh, no! It's midnight.
Bender: Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good!
- [His legs morph into wheels and he and Project Satan laugh. Project Satan turns to Fry and Leela.]
Leela: Fry, distract him.
Fry: [leaping around] Hey, Project Satan! Over here! I'm a blind pedestrian! 20 points!
- [Project Satan chases Fry and Leela grabs hold of its rear bumper.]
Leela: Oh, no! There's no exhaust pipe!
Project Satan: That's right! Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the most evil propulsion system ever conceived! [Bender completes his transformation and Project Satan pulls up beside him.] Take whichever one you want.
Bender: Oh, boy! I feel like a car in a candy store!
- [He chooses Fry and tries to ram him. Fry runs away.]
Fry: [gasping] Yes! He chose me! He's trying to kill me! Leela, I'm so happy! [Bender rams Fry's legs twice. Fry tumbles onto Bender's roof, through the sunroof and inside Bender. The seatbelt comes around him.] [talking] Oh, thanks, Bender. [The seatbelt chokes him.] [choking] Too tight! Too tight!
- [Bender's steering wheel hits Fry in the face. Project Satan chases Leela into a crash test area and up a huge ramp. She dives off the end of it.]
- [Project Satan screams as he flies over several yellow school buses. Bender drives up a ramp on the other side and he, Project Satan and Fry scream as they fly past each other. Project Satan drives down the other ramp and laughs, then screams as it realises it is about to go face-first into a "very, very, very, very, very" hot furnace. It slams its brakes on but doesn't stop in time. It lands in the furnace and melts as its headlight flash purple. Bender's antenna beeps as the were-car program uninstalls itself. He starts turning back into his normal self.]
- [He runs down the other ramp and falls over, back to his old robot self.]
Leela: Bender, you're cured! But what happened to Fry?
Bender: [crying] I must've killed him. He's my best friend and I killed him. I never felt so empty inside.
- [His door opens. Fry is inside.]
Fry: Bender, I'm alive! [He climbs out.] You didn't hurt me at all. But I know you wanted to, and that's what matters. [He opens a beer.] Here's to you.
- [He drinks.]
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you!
- [Fry raises his bottle.]
Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill you too!
- [Bender chokes him.]
- [Closing Credits.]
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