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|Written by||Michael Rowe|
|Transcribed by||Teyrn of Highever|
- [Opening Credits: Dictated But Not Read.]
Linda: [on TV] We now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. Jim?
Jim: [on TV] [Still in the burning hovercopter.] The scene is not good, Linda. I've just learned that my last words were: back to you, Linda. [The hovercopter explodes.]
Linda: [on TV] [She laughs] One for the blooper reel.
Kif: The news is so violent. Let's watch Rachael Ray instead. No, wait. There might be chopping.
Amy: God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish.
Kif: You know full well that I am more closely related to the sea cucumber.
Amy: Not where it counts.
Linda: [on TV] Police have no idea who is behind this innovative scourge of public art.
- [On the TV, an example of the graffiti is shown. It looks like Bender]
- [Scene: New New York street. Bender is lowering himself using cables.
Bender: [He chuckles maliciously and spreads grout onto a wall. He then makes a tile version of his head] That is one sexy bridge abutment.
- [Time lapse. Bender is putting tile graffiti in various places. A hoverbus stop, a Richard Nixon "Despair" poster (parodying the Barack Obama "Hope" poster) and a tube transport station. At a freeway, Bender graffitis part of a sign so that it now reads "Free Corn" instead of "Freeway Ends At Corner"]
- [Bender is still putting graffiti on various buildings.]
Bender: The key is knowing precisely where to strike. [The last building turns out to be URL's back] Oops!
URL: Well, well. Time to beat him his rights. [He and Smitty take out their lightsabers and being hitting Bender.]
Smitty: You know, that don't look half bad on your buttocks.
URL: It does sorta class-up the place.
- [Pan over the streets of New New York. A clock nearby changes from 3:59 to 4:00]
Clock: The time is 4 am.
- [Scene: Amy's apartment]
Amy: We've been arguing all night, Kif. Can't we go to bed?
Kif: Is that all you ever think about? I'm not just some piece of tofu, Amy. I need to know where we stand in our relationship.
Amy: We're just going through a rough patch.
Kif: It is not a patch. It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate "Hunk of the Month" calender.
- [He points to a calender with a male model wearing only a pair of briefs and holding a saxophone]
Amy: Leave Todd out of this!
Todd: Thanks, babe. Also, today is Canadian Independence Day. [He plays a tune]
- [Kif sighs.]
- [Burping is heard. The phone displays an incoming call sign]
Amy: Oh, that's Bender's ringtone. I recognize the smell. Hello? [Bender's picture is displayed over the phone]
Bender: Yo, Amy, I'm in the slammer.
Amy: Oh, no!
Bender: That's enough lip from you, moneybags. Just get 5 grand an bail me out.
Amy: I don't have that kind of money laying around.
Bender: Yeah, you do. You know that floor safe where you keep 10 grand? There's 5 grand in there. Don't make me wait!
- [Scene: Will Riker's Island, prison interior. Bender, Roberto, Joey Mousepad and other criminals are in a cell.]
Roberto: [He walks up to Bender. He is holding a sock] Hey, Bender. Ever kill a man with a sock? It ain't so hard. Ha-HAA. [He stabs at Bender]
Bender: I better carve a shiv for protection. [He pulls out a stick and a switchblade. He starts whittling down the stick into a crude knife]
URL: [He opens the cell door. Kif and Amy are with him.] Rodríguez! These two brothers bailed your ass out.
Bender: Oh! Thank God. [He hugs Kif, causing his head to inflate] Tell me, have things changed on the outside. Is food finally in pill form? What about pills? Are they in food form?
Larry the Murder Burglar: [To Amy] Hey, hot stuff. I'm Larry the Murder Burglar.
Amy: Hi, Larry. I like your tattoos.
Kif: Amy, that man's a criminal!
Amy: I was just checking out his tats. [She looks at a tattoo of Larry jumping out of a house window then lighting it with a molotov cocktail. The house explodes.] Sneato! I have one of my mom. Wanna see?
Larry the Murder Burglar: Sure.
- [Amy shows him the tattoo on her butt. Kif stutters incoherently.]
- [A clerk is handing Bender back everything that was confiscated from him: a hat, a full roast chicken and an accordion]
Kif: [To Amy] I just don't understand why you have to flirt with every bad boy in sight.
Amy: Quit exaggerating.
- [A criminal that Smitty and URL are escorting gets loose. He steals a lightsaber and holds it to Amy's throat.]
Criminal: Nobody move, or sweet cheeks here gets it!
Amy: [Giggling] Oh! You're bad!
URL: [He performs the Vulcan Neck Pinch on the criminal] Momma said, Spock you out!
Kif: That's it, Amy. Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats. You and I are through. [He walks off. Amy looks heartbroken.]
Bender: [He is holding the accordion.] Aw! Here's a little song I wrote to cheer you up. It's called, [singing] Let's go already!
- [Scene: Forbidden Planet Hollywood. Where tourists come to mingle with tourists] Pan over the various exhibits, from Chewbacca's feet to Iron Man's underpants, Elvis' pelvis and Calculon's agent. Bender, Fry, Leela and Amy are seated at a table]
Leela: Here's to Amy, single, lonely, and fabulous.
Amy: Thanks everybody. Looks like I'm back in the game.
Bender: Yeah, the game of Old Maid. [He laughs]
Security woman: Excuse me, sir, are those yours? [Bender is wearing Chewbacca's feet]
Bender: You're damn right. And, before you ask, this is mine too. [He opens his chest cabinet revealing Lassie. She barks]
Fry: Tough break, Amy. Are you and Kif getting divorced?
Amy: No. Technically we were Fonfon rus, so we weren't really married.
Bender: Wow! The interesting thing about that is [He starts snoring]
Leela: So, Amy, how can I phrase this delicately? Why did Kif dump you like a sack of yesterday's turds?
Amy: He says I have a thing for bad boys. It's so stupid.
Bender: The truth is often stupid. [He blows smoke in her face and sprinkles her with ash]
Amy: Bender, why do you have to be so mean to me?
Bender: Shut up, baby, you love it.
Amy: Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?
- [Scene: Amy's apartment. Amy and Bender are in bed together.]
Amy: That was great.
Bender: Shut up. [Amy climbs on top of him and they start kissing] Come over here.
- [Scene: Tube Transport System. Bender and Amy are talking]
Bender: Got it. I'll show the utmost discretion as we get nasty in this glass tube. [They begin kissing]
- [Scene: Planet Express Meeting room. The crew is sitting around the table. Hermes looks sick]
Leela: I thought circusitis only affected children.
Hermes: Children of all ages.
Zoidberg: Bender, old friend. What's on your face?
Bender: [He has a lipstick mark on his face. He covers it up.] Uh. Blood. You know, from shaving of the face-beard.
Fry: Amy, are those gear imprints on your sweatpants?
Amy: Uh, maybe. So what?
Fry: I only brought it up because Bender is wearing them.
Bender: [He clears his throat] Uh, I stole them from her. Yeah, that's it, call the cops.
Hermes: Oh, my swollen feet. He takes his feet out of the tub of water. They have turned into clown shoes] I better take my pills. [He opens the container and rubber springs fly out]
- [Scene: NNY street]
Bender: Amy, I reckon sweet talk don't come natural to me, but of everyone I've ever dated, you are probably in the top ten.
Amy: Aw, you always say just the wrong thing in just the right way. [They kiss]
Bender: Oy, this guy.
Preacherbot: The good book sayeth a robot shall not lie down with a human, nor do it standing up, nor any angle in between.
- [A crowd has formed. They agree with the Preacherbot]
Bender: Look! A single mother! Let's get her! [The crowd runs off]
- [Bender and Amy walk off]
- [Scene: Planet Express ship basement.]
Farnsworth: Quickly, into the ship's basement! [Dr. Zoidberg scrambles into the basement and closes the door behind him. Everyone else is already there.] Now, then, as you all know, the county fair is approaching once again, so I'm preparing my entry of pickled winds and weathers. [Pan over the individual jars of weather] I've got sunny, snow flurry, hail with onions, even my grandmother's cranberry-raisin typhoon, but no tornado. I'll be damned if I let Mrs. Girdleson take the blue ribbon again. [He opens some blinds revealing a farmhouse being blown away in a tornado, it has Bender's graffiti on it.] That's why I need you folks to get out there and harvest a nice ripe one. This cattle prod should help.
Leela: How is that? [The Professor zaps with the prod and she screams.]
Farnsworth: Get out there!
- [Scene: Planet Tornadus. The crew are situated around a tornado. They are using jet packs and devices to extract the tornado.]
Leela: Is everybody in position?
Zoidberg: Is someone talking?
Leela: Okay, good. On three. One.
Hermes: What did she say?
Bender: Wait, I'm not in position. [He is being blown around by the winds]
Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown.
Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
Fry: She said, "Go!"
- [Everyone begins shooting wildly at the tornado.]
- [Scene: Planet Express Ship basement]
Farnsworth: Good work, everyone. [A tornado has somehow been shoved into a large tube. It is attached to a pickle jar by a hose.]
Leela: Honestly, that went better than I expected.
Farnsworth: I just need to reduce it down into this pickle jar, toss in a bay leaf to impress those stupid judges. [He puts the leaf into the pickle jar.]
Fry: Hey, where's Amy and Bender?
Zoidberg: They're missing out on some hot pickle action. [He licks his mouth flaps.]
- [The Professor presses a button and turns a switch on his machine. The tornado is being decanted into the pickle jar. Bender and Amy can be heard giggling.]
Hermes: Sounds like a muskrat's caught in there.
- [Amy's sweatshirt whips around in the tornado.]
Leela: That's Amy's sweatshirt!
- [Bender's hat appears]
Fry: And that's Bender's hat from the Player's ball!
Hermes: Sweet tornadoes of Barbados! Bender and Amy have been torn to shreds!
Farnsworth: [He presses a few more buttons and more of Bender's and Amy's things appear in the whirlwind.] Oh, the humanity! Also Bender!
Amy: [The whirlwind whips faster revealing Bender and Amy. The tornado stops and they fall to the floor, still kissing.] Uh-oh!
Farnsworth: What's going on here?
Bender: Uh. [He antenna recedes.] Nothing.
- [Scene: Planet Express Meeting room. Everyone except the Professor is sitting. The Professor is pacing back and forth.
Farnsworth: A pair of deviant robosexuals. Not under my roof!
Bender: What about on the roof?
Farnsworth: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Bender: What about in the gutter?
Leela: Professor, there is nothing wrong with robosexuality.
Hermes: Yeah, when the lights go out, it's nobody's business what happens between two consenting adults.
Zoidberg: Or one!
Amy: Thanks, guys. Everything will be okay just as long as my parents don't find out.
Farnsworth: Zai jian. [He hangs up his cellphone and begins whistling innocently and walks to the door. A doorbell rings. He opens it. Leo and Inez are there.]
Amy: Mom? Dad?
Leo: Come home, Amy. It your decision. We can't make you. [He pulls out a lasso and lassos Amy] Atta girl!
- [The Professor closes his cellphone again and begins whistling]
Bender: Uh-oh! not the innocent whistling!
Preacherbot: [The doorbell rings and the Preacherbot is there] Repent!
Bender: Oy, this guy. [A magnet attaches to his chest cabinet and he is dragged off.]
- [Scene: Wong Ranch. No Brokebacking]
Inez: Look, we're your family. And if you can't talk about your problems with us, that would be great.
Amy: I don't have a problem! I'm in a happy relationship that just happens to be robosex-
Leo: [Cutting across her.] You finish that word, you kill your parents.
Wine Bucket: Low wine level detected. [He fills Amy's glass]
Amy: Thank you.
Leo: Stop seducing him, you hussy!
Amy: Dad, gleesh! I'm attracted to Bender, not his emotionless wine bucket!
Wine Bucket: [A tear rolls down its face] Hopes deleted.
Preacherbot: Robotic brothers, the path to Robot Hell is paved with human flesh.
- [In addition to Bender, there is the Hermaphrobot, Fatbot, and an unknown robot]
Preacherbot: Over the course of this escape-proof workshop, your software will be reprogrammed through prayer. And by some tech support guys in India.
Robosexual Robot: But I read in Esqwired that some robots are hardwired to be robosexual.
Preacherbot: Don't believe those lies, son! The one ones worth believing are the ones in the Bible. Can I get an "Amen"?
Hermaphrobot: I'll take a-three-men, holla!
- [Scene: Wong Ranch. Amy is rocking on a porch swing.]
Inez: Come on, Amy! Pick a male human already! [There is a line of men standing near the porch.] I want to be a grandmother nine months from five minutes from now.
Amy: Cut it out, Mom! I'm not interested in any of these gross, ugly losers.
Fry: [Walking up] What about this gross, ugly, smelly loser?
Leo: Fry! What you doing here?
Fry: I'm here to rescue Amy, uh... from her robosexual desires. [He winks.]
Amy: If I understand you correctly, I've seen the error of my ways? [She winks back.]
Leo: Look at all that awkward winking.
Inez: It must be love. [Fry and Amy walk off]
- [Scene: Planet Express ship]
Amy: My parents may be evil, but at least they're stupid.
- [Scene: Camp Rectifier]
Preacherbot: [The campers and the Preacherbot are standing near some dummies of humans.] In this phase, you will literally wrestle with your demons. Your shapely, buxom, human demons.
Fatbot: Look at the rack on that one! Oh! I mean, that one on the rack!
Preacherbot: [He blows a whistle and the campers each jump on a dummy and start fondling them.] Good! That's real good! [He wipes away some sweat.] Okay, everybody switch demons. No point sticking with just one demon. [The campers all switch dummies.] Now, work it hard! Harder! Till the sin explodes! Ouch! Mmmm. Mercy. Okay, Lord's work is done. Now, now, cuddle. Cuddle with your demons.
Bender: Oh, Amy. I wonder where you are right now!
Amy: I'm inside the dummy to rescue you.
Bender: That answers that. Wait... Amy? [He begins kissing the demon]
Leela: [Fry and Leela can be heard groaning] Bender, be careful!
Bender: Fry? Leela? You're in there, too? Blech.
Zoidberg: I guess we should have waited in the ship.
- [Scene: Planet Express meeting room. Bender and Amy are kissing.]
Bender: Listen up, everybody, I love Amy and I'm tired of pussyfootcupping around! I finally found someone I want to spend the rest of her life with. Amy, [He lowers his body and pulls a ring out of his chest cabinet. It has a tag that says exhibit A.] will you marry me?
Amy: Yes! Yes!
- [Everyone else beside the Professor begins cheering]
Farnsworth: Oh, I'm just glad I didn't live to see this day! Wait a second, [He checks his pulse and hears only one beat] No!
Zoidberg: [He is admiring Amy's ring] Such a stone. Is it real? [Amy pulls up Zoidberg's coat and uses the diamond to cut through Zoidberg's skin, revealing his internal organs.] Horray!
Farnsworth: Horray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal!
Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts.
Bender: You mean Space-tax-achusetts. No chance, stretch pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
Hermes: Yeah, man! You got to legalize it!
Amy: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
Hermes: We're talking about lots of stuff.
- [Scene: Gearwhich Village Pride Parade. Fry is eating a hot dog.]
- [The Hot Dog Stand grows limbs and a head.]
Fry: Cool! Can you turn into a race car?
Hot Dog Stand: Nah, I'm just a pre-op transformer.
Amy: [on stage] Thank you for coming, everyone. We're all having some good, clean fun here.
Hedonism Bot: [In a bondage outfit] Squeaky, squishy clean! [The Hot Dog Stand vomits hot dogs on Hedonism Bot.]
Amy: But it's time to discuss a pressing issue, the right to marry who, or what, we want! [The crowd cheers]
Bender: Every other couple has the right to marry, robot and fembot, [Cut to the Donbot and Fanny, man and woman, [Pan to Pauly Shore and Michelle, man and man [Pan to Randy Munchnik, his partner, and their poodle.]
Randy: Our poodle has two daddies.
Bender: Interracial, [Pan to two aliens who are half-black and half-white], Interplanetary, [Pan to a blob and a woman], even ghost and horse, [a ghost is floating nearby with a horse inside its body] but not robot and human.
- [The crowd boos and the ghost boos in a scary tone.]
Amy: That's why we're introducing this ballot initiative to legalize robosexual marriage.
- [The crowd cheers]
Bender: If you hate intolerance and begin punched in the face by me, please support Proposition Infinity!
- [A montage of campaign efforts. Amy pins a button to an alien. He is popped by the button and floats away. Bender puts tile graffiti on URL's back and laughs]
Bender: Damn it!
[The montage continues while Bender gets hit by URL. The crew holds a sign that reads "Stand up for equality" while nearby the Professor, Hattie and two others have a sign that reads, "Fall down and be unable to get up for traditional marriage".]
[Scene: √2 News broadcast.]
<poem>Linda: [on TV] As election day nears, prop infinity seems doomed to certain defeat.
Morbo: [on TV] Doooooooomed!
Linda: [on TV] More fair and balanced coverage after a word from our sponsor, No on Infinity.
- [A Parody of the National Organization for Marriage's ad begins. Storm clouds roll in.]
Actor 1: A storm is gathering.
Actor 2: A storm of robosexual marriage that will rain down on us like fire.
Actor 1: It's probably a firestorm.
Actress: If robosexual marriage becomes legal, imagine the horrible things that will happen to our children, then imagine we said those things, since we couldn't think of any. As a mother, those things worry me.
Man: [Voice over] Vote No on Infinity. Paid for by the Farnsworth Foundation.
- [Scene: Planet Express Lounge.]
Amy: We can't compete against that much stock footage of clouds! We're boned!
Bender: But we still have one hope, my big televised debate! I'm our A in the hole!
Fry: Professor, who's debating for your side?
Farnsworth: Oh, that guy, you know, I forget his name.
- [Scene: Debate Hall]
Farnsworth: [Pointing to a live image of himself on a television screen.] That's him!
George Takei's head: Good evening, I'm George Takei's head and neck, your host for tonight's debate. You may applaud. [The crowd does.] We flipped a coin before the debate and Bender stole it, so we'll start with him.
Bender: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I... Oops. Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I love a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So, please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.
- [The crowd cheers and applauds]
Takei: I haven't heard such an eloquent speech since Bill Shatner explained why he couldn't pay me back. Rebuttal, Professor?
Farnsworth: This $4 coffee pot talks about love, but what he describes is perversion.
Bender: You wouldn't know perversion if it put clamps on your testicles! You're just jealous, 'cause you've never known true love.
Farnsworth: Oh, no? Back when I was full of piss and vinegar, and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl to ever skip through a field of posies. [Flashback to a younger Professor and Eunice skipping through posies.] Her name was Eunice, and we spent our blissful days working in a lab, developing a poison to wipe out that dreadful posy infestation. [Farnsworth handes Eunice some posies and she drips poison on them. They wilt. The Professor and Eunice kiss.] I thought our love would last forever. But then, 43 years later, she left me [Eunice is in bed with a robot.] for a robot! [End flashback] How could she do that to me, her Farnypoo?
Amy: That's it? You hate robosexual 'cause your girlfriend left you for a robot?
Farnsworth: She didn't just leave me for a robot. She was a robot! [The crowd gasps.] Oh, God! Her name wasn't Eunice, it was Unit! Unit 47. [The same flower scene plays but Eunice is replaced with Unit 47.] My heart was broken, and like a bitter, old picklepuss, I took my anger out on robosexuals everywhere. I'm so ashamed! At the risk of losing this debate, I beg you, support Proposition Infinity. [The crowd cheers]
Bender: Give me a hug. [He jumps the Professor]
George Takei's head: I, too, am hugging them in spirit. And now, they're hugging me back. Oh, my!
- [Scene: Planet Express Lounge. The crew is watching TV.]
Linda: [on TV] In a stunning turnout, voters have approved Proposition Infinity. Robosexual marriage is now legal.
Morbo: [on TV] What's next, gay robosexual marriage?
- [The crew cheers]
Amy: We did it, honey! Finally, we can have a legal, monogamous marriage, like everyone else!
Bender: Woo-hoo! Yeah! ... Monogamous? [Cut to Bender on a beach with two hookerbots]
- [Cut back to Planet Express]
Radio announcer: And now, a long-distance dedication from a squishy, green bad boy to his pink pork dumpling. [A motorcycle revs outside. Kif is driving and wearing a leather jacket, sunglasses and boots.] At number 12, it's Wailing Fungus with "Shut Up and Love Me".
- [As the song plays, Kif and Amy ride off into the sunset.]
- [Closing Credits.]
Wailing Fungus: [Singing.] I told you where.
I told you when.
I told you how.
And we'll meet up at ten.
But you keep on talkin'.
You keep on yackin'.
Chorus: Shut up and love me! Shut up and love me!
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