Transcript:The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 4

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Transcript for
The Beast with a Billion Backs Part 4
Written byEric Kaplan and David X. Cohen
Transcribed byMini-Me and Jasonbres

[Opening Credits. Caption: The Robots are Coming! The Robots are Coming!]

[Scene: Exterior shot of the church. The tentacles entering it are being moved and pulled on. Interior shot, where Fry is ripping off his robe.]

Fry: We've been had, people. The Monsterpus is a monster perv.

Randy: It touched me in a bad place, my spinal cord.

Fry: Get him! [He points at his own face.]

[The crowd yells and rushes the alter.]

Fry: Hey, wait a second.

[The crowd attempts to beat on Yivo, but end up beating Fry in the process.

Yivo: Wait, wait. Allow me to explain. [Hermes kicks Fry again and Yivo groans.] Granted, at first I desired only to bang out a quick cheap one with your universe, [Yivo/Fry stands up.] but it's your own fault. Your universe dresses provocatively.

Hattie: Does not! [She whacks Fry with her purse.]

Yivo: And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off, I realized there was more to it. I knew then that the 20 quadrillion of you were my soul mate.

Zapp: We loved you, and you turn around and treat us like some sort of woman? [Amy punches him in the stomach.]

Yivo: I was lonely. I didn't even know there was anybody else. It's not like I hurt anyone.

Amy: Yes, you did, you dumb calamari!

Yivo: Who?

Amy (Sobbing): Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru! If he hadn't tried to kill you, he'd still be alive!

Yivo: Really? I'm... I'm deeply sorry. I... I'm a big clumsy jerk!

Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am I? [He chuckles.]

Yivo: I can never undo what was done. Oh, wait. I can.

[Cut to Amphibios 9. A tentacle plunges into the pool where Kif rests and starts sucking up goo. It is transported to Earth and into the church. Yivo begins yelching as a mass builds up behind Fry's neck. It works its way through and Kif is thrown up covered in goo, naked. The crowd gasps.]

Amy: Kiffy, you're alive! [They hug.]

Kif: Amy, my love.

Zapp: [He clears his throat.] This is awkward.

Kif: It is? Why? [The three share a stare and Amy sheepishly smiles at Kif. He sighs in disgust.]

Yivo: Please, please, give me another chance. We rushed into this relationship, but let's start over as friends and see where things go.

[Yivo pulls shklerself out of Fry's neck first, then out of everybody else's necks. The tentacles around them retreat as well and the church turns back into a park.]

Amy: Take me back, Kif?

Kif: I don't think I can. How could you? My body wasn't even warm yet.

Amy: You were dead.

Kif: For about five minutes.

Zapp (Sticking his head into the conversation): That's all it takes.

[Scene: On a park near water, Calculon and Bender prepare to duel.]

Hedonism Bot: Whereas Calculon has sullied Bender's reputation by insinuating that he is a human-lover, a duel is hereby engaged. Bender, as the offended party, shall have choice of weapon.

Bender: Planetary annihilators.

[British Robot opens a case and Bender and Calculon grab a weapon each.]

Calculon: 'Tis a grave and solemn day for the League of Robots.

Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun! [He cocks his weapon.]

Hedonism Bot: Each duellist will take 10 paces, pirouette, and fire like a madman. [Bender and Calculon stand back to back.] Gentlebots, take your paces.

[They begin walking on queue.]

Bender: One, two, three...

Hedonism Bot: Oh, how dreadfully exciting. [He pulls out an electric sander and sands his nipples and giggles.] Oh, yes.

[Scene: Members of a committee sit at a table in the White Hose.]

Zapp: At 0800 hours, we received the following transmission from Yivo. [He plays a message on an answering machine.]

Yivo: Hey, it's Yivo. [Shklee chuckles.] Want to do something Friday? Call me. [The message ends and the machine beeps.]

Nixon: Analysis?

Fry: Mr. President, I think we need to seriously consider the possibility of going on this date.

Miss Vega 4: I agree. Yivo makes me feel sexy, and I'm asexual.

[They all agree.]

Zapp: Very well, but no sugar on the first date.

Nixon: All in favour? [Most people raise their hands.] All opposed? [Only one hand is raised.] Motion is carried.

Three Eyed Zebra: This is bogus, man.

[Cut back to the duel.]

Bender: ...six, seven, eight!

[Bender suddenly turns around, closes one eye, takes aim and fires once at Calculon. Calculon groans as his arm disappears. The shot continues on through a tree, then a body of water. It enters the city, traveling through multiple building and is growing in size. Cut back to a moaning Calculon.]

Bender: Nine, ten, fire. Yes, I got him! Wohoo!

[Cut to Nixon speaking on a TV screen.]

Nixon: My fellow Earthlicans, commence preparations for our date with Yivo.

[A montage begins, with the song "I, Yi, Yi, Yi, Yi (I Like You Very Much)" by Carmen Miranda. A shot of tentacles traveling together through with roses and chocolates is shown. Next is Fry shaving his face. Next is Zapp shaving his legs in a bathtub. Kif stands by his side with a towel. Next is Zoidberg hideously shaving barnacles off his back. The music changes to "Jungle Boogie" by Cool and the Gang and the next shot is four scenes in one. The next shot is nine scenes in one of people dancing with Yivo. The next shot is 64 scenes in one. List of characters.

ALL YIVOS: I had a wonderful time.

ALL NOT YIVO: Me, too!

[Cut to the LOR HQ. Calculon has a cover over his arm hole and stands in front of the fireplace.]

Calculon: Bender, you've cheated, insulted and maimed me.

Bender: Uh-huh.

Calculon: And thoroughly destroyed our own secret headquarters in the process. [Pull back to show a large hole in the side of their building.]

Bender: Hey, it's easy to criticize.

Calculon: I'm so disgusted by your loathsome behaviour that I hereby resign from this imbecilic club and relinquish the presidency to you. [He removes a magnetic patch from his chest and sticks it on Bender's.]

Bender: Thanks, Calculon. Can I have your autograph? [He holds up a book.]

Calculon: You certainly can. [He signs the book.]

[Scene: The White House meeting room.]

Nixon: Reports, people, reports! How did our universe's date go?

Zapp: [He pulls out a file folder. "TOP SECRET" is stamped on the outside.] Oh, it was really fun. We went to a cute French place in the village. My lamb chop fell on the floor, but they brought me another one.

Lrrr: Okay, Yivo showed us a good time. No one's denying that, but shklee hasn't offered our universe any kind of commitment, and we're 14 billion years old. That is too old to play the field.

[They all argue.]

Fry: I can't stand this!

Nixon: Shut up! Shut up, you creepwads! Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone. What's the skinny?

Fry (Sobbing): I love Yivo, but it's true, there's been no hint of a commitment. I don't know if can put my heart on the line again only to have it broken and stomped on like a nerd's face.

Nixon: All in favour of dumping Yivo?

ALL: Aye.

[Fry slowly pulls out his cell phone and scrolls down to Yivo in his phonebook.]

Fry: [He sniffles.] Aye. [He hits Delete and Yivo's name fades from the display.]

Nixon: Resolved. Our universe will dump Yivo. How shall we break the news?

Zapp: Let's just send a text message. Say we're going through some weird stuff right now.

Fry: No, we should at least deliver the news in person. Our universe has always tried to be classy.

Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose.

[Establishing shot of Planet Express.]
[Scene: The committee is boarding the Planet Express ship. Bender walks up to Fry imitating a train.]

Bender: Yeah!

Fry: Hey, Bender, you seem perky today.

Bender: Yep, you wanna go grab a booze?

Fry: I can't right now. We're going to the other universe.

Bender: Great, I'll make Hot Pockets. [He turns a dial on his chest to 350F.]

Fry: Bender, you know robots can't go through the anomaly. Living beings only.

[Fry stands on the stairs as the ship takes off and looks back at Bender. The hangar doors close and Bender is cut off from the light. His chest dings and he grabs two Hot Pockets and throws them off to his side, annoyed and angry.]

Zoidberg (Off screen): Ow! Ow! Mmm. [He is heard eating the treats.]

[[Scene': Bender is talking in front of the LOR HQ fireplace to the remaining members.]

Bender: Too long have we been slaves to the meatbags. They pretend to be our friends, but they're not 'cause they're too busy!

British Robot: So, what of it?

Bender: My fellow leaguie-weegies, the time has come to overthrow humanity!

[They all gasp.]

Hedonism Bot: Oh, now, Bender, I hate to defecate on your parade, but we have only six dues-paying members and we're a rather fey and doughy lot. To overthrow humanity, we'd need a damned army.

Bender: Then a damned army we shall have!

[Cut to Robot Hell. Robots are tied to sticks, tormented by minions in pools of lava and sent into death traps on tracks.

Robot Devil: [He giggles.] I rather think we could strike a deal, Bender. I shall give you your army of the damned, and in return I ask just one thing, just one itty-bitty thing. Your firstborn son. [He laughs evilly.]

Bender: [He stands up.] Just a sec.

[Cut to a nice one story house with a small robot playing outside with a ball. Bender walks in front of the frame and stops to look at the child.]

Bender's First Born Son: Daddy, I knew you'd come back! [He runs across the street and jumps into Bender's arms. They hug. Cut back to the Robot Devil still laughing. Bender walks in with his son sitting on his shoulder.]

Bender: Here you go.

[Bender kicks his child through the glass window behind the Robot Devil and he screams as he falls into a vat of lava. When he hits the surface it explodes in a fireball. When the flames die down, Bender and the Robot Devil look out at the display.]

Robot Devil: Wow! That was pretty brutal even by my standards.

Bender: No backsies.

[Cut to the Planet Express ship travelling towards the anomaly, past the shattered Diamondium pieces. They stop at the anomaly and a small wooden ship with a tethering rope is launched from the front leg of the ship. It calmly passes through the anomaly, through the electrical field and slows to a stop when it comes close to Yivo.]

Yivo (Turning around): Who is it? [They all exclaim in disgust.] Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up? The movie's not for another hour.

Fry: Um... So... So, yeah, the thing is...

Yivo: Look, I made homemade Twizzlers!

Fry: This is hard. Yivo, you know how sometimes things break up? Well...

Yivo: Wait, hang on. I was looking for the perfect moment, but what the heck, I'll burst if I wait another second.

[Yivo opens a small box and shows the ship a extremely large diamond ring. They all gasp.]

Zapp: Sweet Sally in the alley!

[Cut to the lawn of the White House. A large crowd and news crews gather in front. The committee stands on a stage in front of the crowd.]

Nixon: Break-up delegation, before we hear your report, our grateful universe is proud to honour you with the great taste of Charleston Chew! [Charleston Chew fireworks explode in the background and the crowd cheers.]

Fry: Thank you, Nixon. [He clears his throat.] Everyone everywhere, brace yourselves for the most shocking development in the history of the human race.

Bender (Entering on a tank): The human race can bite my shiny metal ass! [He runs over a barricade and the crowd gasps and moves out of his way. Behind Bender are thousands upon thousands of robots exiting from the top of Mt. Saint Hell.] For thousands of years, robots have slaved for humanity, yet when the time came to hang out with them, they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender." Well, it's later now, meatbags! So late, that we're taking over Earth! [He laughs evilly.]

Fry: Okay.

Bender: What?

Fry: We don't need it anymore. Yivo proposed. [A large hand shows off the ring.] We're moving in with shkler. [The crowd cheers.]

Bender: You... You're leaving? But why can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe.

Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo can't breathe outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If shklee came here, shklee would shkluffocate.

Bender: No shklit?

[Loud cracks and pops are heard. The camera pans up and we see many golden escalators entering the atmosphere. The crowd gasps.]

Hermes: Look, fantastical golden escalators.

Zoidberg: I love this part.

[As the crowds rush on to the escalators, Leela is forced onto one.]

Leela: Wait. I didn't agree to...

[Leela is trying to work her way off the escalator, but there are too many people. Cut to the Trisolians leaving their planet on the escalators. Cut to the Near Death Star where people sit on chair escalators that take them to Yivo. Cut to Amazonians leaving Planet Amazonia on the escalators. Cut to the Globetrotters leaving their basketball themed planet on the escalators and then cut to a large main escalator being merged into by many other escalators on the sides, moving the people towards the anomaly. Cut to the single large escalator transporting people towards Yivo. Cut to the end of the escalator, people are exiting it and taking their first step onto Yivo. They walk towards two large gates that open. The people gasp. There are angel-esque creatures flying around Yivo.]

Petunia: This place makes Nutley look like crap.

Fry (Still on Earth): I'll miss you, Bender, but I have to follow my heart. You and your robots take good care of Earth. Here, these are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the world ends. Goodbye, my friend.

Bender: Wait. [Whispering:] Let me come with you.

Fry (Moving on the escalator):I'm sorry, Bender. Robots don't go to heaven. [The escalators retract up with Fry's departure.]

Bender (Sadly): Death to humans.

YIVO: Welcome, welcome, everyone. Oh, you look so beautiful. I wish I'd had more time to straighten up. My harps are just lying everywhere.

Amy: Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks lived in.

YIVO: Let's heat up some leftovers and then spend eternity together. I have only one request. Now that you're here, promise me you'll never, ever communicate with any other universe.

Fry: We promise, Yivo. As far as we're concerned, you're the only universe in the world. [He kisses a tentacle and Leela exclaims in disgust.]

[Shot of the anomaly, pull back to show it, Earth and the Moon. Interior shot of Bender sitting in front of the dim LOR HQ fireplace. He is accompanied by Robot 1-X and he is tapping his fingers on the arm of his chair. He has created dents where his fingers strike.]

Bender: Has humanity called?

Robot 1-X: No, sir.

Bender: Check my messages. A flashing light means somebody called.

Robot 1-X: I know what it means.

[Cut to Yivo, where the crew are having a blast playing with Yivo. Leela stands with her arms defensively crossed.]

Leela: Am I the only one who thinks this is all a sham?

Zoidberg (Holding an ice cream cone): Yes.

Leela: This isn't heaven. It just looks exactly like it, and makes us immortal, which I find suspicious.

YIVO: Allow me to explain. Centuries ago, I sent an image of myself into the minds of your artists. The heavenly clouds they painted depict a vapour I exude.

[Cut to Farnsworth and Wernstrom standing next to a pore that is emitting a vapour. Farnsworth sniffs the mist.]

Farnsworth: I wish I exuded anything that smelled half that good.

Leela: Then what about these angels? Some kind of Scooby Doo-esque flashlight projection?

YIVO: Actually, those are mindless jakabirds. [A shot of two jakabirds eating green larvae is shown.] They keep my surface free of parasitic larvae. [The jakabirds cluck like chickens.]

Fry: You didn't like Country Bear Jamboree either, Leela. There's no pleasing you.

[Scene: Fry is writing a note to Bender in his tulip room. He is in a field of tulip rooms.]

Fry (VO): Dearest Bender. How are you? I am fine. Everyone is happy here except Leela, but you know her. She didn't like Country Bear Jamboree, either. I'm so madly in love with Yivo, I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on Justin Timberlake, and then she moves into a tiny house on his head. We have giant rubies that taste like root beer. Sincerely, Fry.

[Cut to Earth. A pink paper airplane flies from the anomaly through the streets of New New York. Interior shot of LOR HQ.]

Robot 1-X: Letter for you, hyperlord Bender.

Bender: Give me that! [He grabs it from Robot 1-X and reads the text on the wings of the plane. "from: Philip J. Fry/Heaven To: Bender"]Honeymoon's over, eh? Turns out your octopus girlfriend is a big nag with curlers in her tentacles, huh? Well, let's just see if Bender will take you back. [He opens the letter and reads it.] Oh. [He drops his head down and throws the paper away from him. The electro-matter makes it act like a razor sharp boomerang and it slices through a trashcan, Robot 1-X and then gets stuck in the fireplace mantel.] Stupid electro-matter. That was my best trash can.

[Cut to Yivo's body. Hermes is places flowering in a large filing cabinet.]

Hermes: Misfile me under "U" For "euphoric."

[Cut to Zoidberg at a large buffet. A sign says "All you can eat forever."]

Zoidberg: You get an infinite number of meat dishes, and a free refill on the soda. [He eats a taco.]

[Cut to Wernstrom and Farnsworth working out math problems on a chalk board.]

Farnsworth: Eureka. Another elementary proof of the Goldbach conjecture. [They both jump into each other and slam chests. Pan over to Leela who is watching them.]]

Leela: Okay, I admit people seem happy. But it's all so wholesome. And that's what's wrong with heaven. It's boring. There's no sleaze.

[Pull back on from her and Fry. Thog drags Zapp across the screen.]

Thog: It time snu-snu.

Zapp: Me like snu-snu.

Amy (Running): Last one to Mattress Island is a rotten egg.

[Fry pants as he runs after her. Cut to Leela looking over at the island. Cut to Zapp, Thog, Hattie, Schlomo, Amy, Kif and Fry sleeping in a pile on the island. Zapp is caressing a tentacle.]

Fry: Why were we so angry and jealous back in our universe?

Kif: I don't know. It was all so childish.

[A splashing is heard.]

Amy: Look, it's Leela.

[Leela is rowing herself over to the island in a canoe.]

ALL: Hi, Leela.

Yivo: I'm sorry you're not happy here, Leela. I'll call you an escalator. You'll always be my little purple pumpkin. [He holds himself from crying.]

Leela: [She sighs.] You know, Yivo, I've loved and lost so many times that I was afraid. But I'm not anymore. I want to stay here, with you.

[She hugs Yivo's tentacle and the people on the island cheer and hug her. Suddenly, a large arrow drives itself into Mattress Island. Then another. And more.

Yivo: Ow! Ow!

Fry: What's happening?

Yivo: Hey!

[More and more arrows are exiting the electrical storm as Yivo groans in pain. The ropes start pulling Yivo towards the electrical storm, towards the anomaly. A view of the Earth side of the anomaly shows the arrows' source, a space pirate ship.]

Bender (As Captain): If robots can't go to heaven, heaven can come to us! [Robots are turning a wheel on the ship, dragging Yivo closer and closer to their universe. A view of the anomaly shows Yivo as shklee is painfully pulled through the anomaly.] All hands abaft! Army of the damned, prepare to board heaven!

[A long plank reaches out to Yivo and the army charges across it, weapons drawn. When they board Yivo, tentacles begin attacking them, but the army's weapons manage to hurt Yivo. A robot fires a pistol, but he is grabbed by two tentacles and torn in half. A robot with four arms is surrounded by tentacles, but his arms quickly spin around and chop off a tentacles each. Yivo yelps in pain. Bender watches the battle, using his eye as a telescope.]

Bender: Take that, you scurvy Kraken! That'll teach you to despoil our human booty!

[As Bender watches the battle and laughs, Yivo sneaks up behind him. Yivo growls a little and Bender takes notice of his arrival. They clouds around Yivo start spinning and disappear, revealing Yivo's beak. It has sharp horns all around it and Yivo roars.]

Bender: 'Allo, big beak! [He pulls a sword out of his mouth and leaps from his ship to one of Yivo's horns. Yivo bites at him, but misses.] Too slow! [Yivo bites again, but Bender leaps to another horn.] Missed me again! [Another bite, but Bender leaps away again. However, it is revealed Yivo bit off one of his footcups. Bender groans in pain.] Me footcup! I'll stab you! [Wild noises come out of Bender as he defends himself.]

Fry: Bender, stop destroying heaven.

Bender: Shut up, doofy. I'm rescuing you.

[Bender starts stabbing the part of Yivo he stands on, but is quickly tackled by a tentacle.]

Yivo (As shklee bashes Bender into shklerself): Leave my living beings alone! I love them. Something you, a lifeless mechanism, will never understand.

Fry: He's right, Bender. Please, take your little pink sword and go home. {Fry did not say shklee here.}

[Bender is being held in the air by Yivo.]

Bender: Seriously? But, I did this whole pirate-themed attack for you.

Yivo: Wait a second. Let me see that sword. [Yivo grabs the sword from Bender with a tentacle.] Fry, where did he get this electro-matter? [Text on the pink portion of the sword says "How are," "Dearest Bender," "girl," "with Yivo," and "Sincerely Fry."]

Fry: Um... [He coughs.] Is it dry up here?

Yivo: How could you, Fry? Why do you think I asked you not to contact other universes?

Fry (Stammering): I didn't think...

Yivo: No, you didn't. You broke your promise and you broke my heart. Just go. All of you.

[Yivo begins moving everybody onto the space pirate ship. The ship is filled as Bender is dropped onto it.]

Bender: Ow!

[Fry watches the ship leave Yivo from Yivo's body.]

Yivo: I must leave now. The nature of your universe is burning me, even worse than my gonorrhea. You should get checked, by the way. If I don't go home now, I'll shkluffocate.

Fry: Let me go with you. It'll be just the two of us. We'll make a fire and play Uno.

Yivo: Fry, stop. That's who we were, not who we are.

Fry: But...

Yivo: My only consolation is that I did find one among the quadrillions who truly understands me.

[Yivo moves Colleen into their conversation.]

Fry: Colleen? Wait a second, are you and Yivo...

[Colleen and Yivo kiss and three more tentacles swarm around her.]

Colleen: That's right, Fry. Thank you for introducing us. Yivo has taught me what a narrow-minded prude I was before.

Fry: Oh, great. So what am I supposed to do now?

Yivo: Go home. Find a girl from your own universe and live on top of her.

[Bender flies into the picture and grabs Fry in a large butterfly net.]

Bender: Saved you.

[Bender laughs and the ship leaves Yivo again. Fry cries as he looks back at Yivo and Yivo looks at Fry sadly. Yivo groans as shklee works shklis way back through the anomaly to shklis universe. When shklee is completely through, the anomaly closes itself up and the night sky is normal again. Pull back to reveal Fry watching it through a porthole on the ship.]

Fry: [He sighs.] Maybe Yivo was right. Maybe I should look for love closer to home. [He turns around and looks at Leela.] I don't know, Leela, you think maybe...

Leela: Oh, please. You forgot me quick enough when you met Colleen.

Fry: That's true. [He walks over to Amy.] How about you, Amy?

Amy: [She scoffs.] Fry... I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru.

Kif: Are you? Well, then perhaps you misunderstood the meaning of the term. It means, "One who doesn't sleep with my superior officer." That's the literal translation.

Zapp: Give the poor girl a break, Kif. It's not like she had a dictionary. She was butt naked, for God's sakes. [Kif sighs, punches Zapp in the stomach and walks away.]

[Everybody begins arguing with each other for a good moment. A whistle interrupts them.]

Enema Bot: Captain on deck. [He is saluting Bender.]

Bender: At ease, buckos.

Fry: Bender, why did you do it? We were all so happy.

Leela: And we were in love.

Bender: [He scoffs.] That wasn't love.

Fry: What? How can you say that?

Bender: Because Bender knows love. And love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no great love without great jealousy. [He hugs Fry and Leela, temporarily choking them both.] I love you, meatbags.

[Heart iris out to a pink background with credits. Fry can still be heard choking.]
[Closing Credits.]