Transcript:Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 4

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Transcript for
Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 4
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed byMini-Me

[Start of opening credits. Caption: [in AL1] The humans shall not defeat us]
[Scene: Planet Express balcony]

Fry: Previously, on Futurama.

[Scene: Alley, near a dumpster]

Hutch: Truth is, you're a mind reader.

Fry: Oh, my God!

[Scene: Mars, construction site]

Leela: Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... [She pets the leech, it makes a noise and then it bites and clamps onto her neck.]

[Scene: League of Madfellows' dumpster]

Nine: You must gain Wong's confidence, infiltrate his organization and prevent him from destroying the violet dwarf. [during this line images of Fry talking to Wong and of the violet dwarf are seen.]

Hutch: The fate of the universe depends on you.

Fry: Yeah, I get that a lot.

[Scene: Planet Express ship scans an asteroid]

Leela: It's amazing. It's like a textbook on evolution.

Fry: Except in Kansas.

[Scene: Leela and Frida pour sugar into a fuel tank]

Mr. Wong: I smell sabotage.

[Scene: Leela stands in front of a group of women]

Leela: Feministas unite! [They pound their breasts twice and throw their fists into the air while reciting that last bit.]

[Scene: Zapp and Kif float outside the pinkened Planet Express ship]

Leela (off-screen): Not so fast, Brannigan. [All nine of the feministas have guns.]

Bender (off-screen): Even less fast, feministas! [He has a gun that controls nine other guns.]

[They all gasps.]
[End of opening credits. Billboard lists creators and is crashed into]
[Scene: Earth Supreme Court]

Bailiff: Oye, oye, oye. All rise for the honorable Chief Justice D-O-G-G and the Associate Justices.

[Sal pulls the judges out from the back room.]

Snoop Dogg's head: Yo. Seat it or beat it. The charges against y'all femditos is murder, mayhem, vandalism, kidnapping and resisting arrest. Damn! The big five. You may now make your opening "what you got to say for yourselves."

Leela: May it please the Court... [Judge Dogg slams his gavel.] I mean, may it plizzle the cozizzle.

Dogg: Proceed.

Leela: These charges are outrageous. Our only goal was to save a rare violet star and its precious ecosystem. If protecting the environment is a crime, then...

Judge Dogg: Protecting the environment is a crime.

Leela': [She clears her throat.] I rest my mouth.

[Time lapse]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Nixon: I... Well, now, I... Am I under oath when I take the oath?

[Time lapse]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg's head: Can the witness identify the feminista leader?

Bender: That's her right there, with the "I'm gonna kill you Bender" look in her eye.

Antonin Scalia's head: Hey, aren't you the robot who robbed me at gunpoint last year?

Bender: No further answers, Your Honor.

[Time lapse]

Fry: Please, Justice Dogg, Leela and her friends are completely innocent.

Dogg: Hold up. Were you or were you not abducted by these hoes?

Fry: Well, abducted is such an ugly word.

[Time lapse]

Clarence Thomas' head: Mr. Wong, the court cannot compel you to testify against your own daughter.

Mr. Wong: No. No, I want to. Also, I got something to say about my wife.

[Cut to Dogg, who is listening to music on headphones.]

Dogg: Aw, yeah. Having heard some of the testimony over these jams I've been listening to, me and my crew will now kick it in the mix.

[The Bailiff connects all of the judges together. Their heads spin and electricity arcs between them as they deliberate. A pan across the Feministas show they are all holding hands. When Leela appears on the screen, she is holding hands with Zapp, who is grinning and waves at her with his fingers. She cracks his fingers and he falls to the floor in pain. The judges stop deliberating and Judge Dogg's jar is emitting bubbles and smoke.]

Dogg: A'ight. We got us a verdict up in this High Court. Bailiff, drop it like it's legal precedent.

Bailiff: In the matter of Leo Wong v. The Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, four justices vote to convict, five to acquit.

[The Feministas cheer.]

Scalia: However, since the vote was strictly along gender lines and the female justices' votes only count half, you are hereby found guilty.

[The Feministas groan.]

Ginsburg: It's a humiliating and biased system, but it works.

Dogg: Fifty years in the maximum security Dogg house. [He bangs his gavel.]

[Sal pushes the judges back out of the room. Leela glares over at Fry.]

[Scene: Maxi-Padlock: High-Security Women's Prison. A bus drives in through the security gates. The Feministas are put in a holding cell.]

Warden: Ladies! Welcome to hell.

Petunia: Beats Nutley on a Saturday night.

Warden: This is a privately-owned for-profit prison and I run a tight, cheap ship! I've done this by cutting cost everywhere, especially on punishment. I rely on you inmates to make prison unpleasant for yourselves. You're encouraged to sexually harass new prisoners, organize no-holds-barred catfights and maintain poor hygiene.

Amy: Try and make me, copper.

Warden: Oh... a troublemaker. [She laughs.] Taste the lash of my 99-cent-store nightstick!

[The Warden strikes Amy and the nightstick squeaks upon impact.]

[Scene: Mr. Wong's office in Wongminister Miniature Golf Club. Mr. Wong plays with a hologram of the violet dwarf star system.]

Mr. Wong: Yee-ha! With the feministas in jail, it full speed ahead. You and me, Fry. We implode the violet dwarf star tomorrow. Ka-boom-boom.

Fry: You and me?

Mr. Wong: Yeah.

Fry: Tomorrow?

Mr. Wong: Tomorrow.

Fry: Ka-boom?

Mr. Wong: Ka-boom-boom.

[Mr. Wong pushes down on the plunger and the hologram of the star explodes and vanishes. Fry looks nervous as Mr. Wong is seen evily laughing in the reflection of his tinfoil hat.]

[Scene: Fry is wandering in the Martian Reservation.]

Fry: Hello? Madfellows? I need to- [He is hit on the head with a bottle and passes out. Small time lapse and he awakens.] Okay, Leo Wong's about to destroy the violet dwarf. So, whatever I need to know to stop him, tell me now.

Nine: Alas! Stopping Wong isn't the only problem. One of the Dark Ones will try to stop you from stopping him. So, you must stop it from stopping you from stopping him.

Fry: But how can I stop it stop me stop him?

Nine: Stop it! Behold, the Omega Device.

[Hutch pulls a curtain to the side and reveals the device, which is sitting on a cardboard box.]

Fry: That's it?

Nine: The important thing is what's inside.

Fry: What does that look like?

Hutch: No one knows, man. It was invented by a blind inventor, and the one dude he described it to was deaf.

Mad Fellow: So the legend goes.

Nine: When activated, the device will emit a localized blast of delta-band noise to momentarily disable the Dark One.

Fry: But the Dark One could look like anything or anyone, right?

Hutch: Or anywhere.

Fry: So, what's your plan to recognize it?

Nine: We don't have one.

Fry: Got it.

Hutch: And we don't dare think of one neither. 'Cause if we do, the Dark Ones might sense kind of the general vibe. Even through our mighty foil. [He pokes a hole through his hat.] Oh, man! Anyone got some tape or some gum?

Nine: As my colleague indicated, the plan cannot come from us, Fry. We were counting on you and your unreadable brain to come up with something.

Fry: That was a mistake.

Nine: I see that now.

Hutch: Freaky thing is, the Dark Ones' thoughts are unreadable, just like yours.

Nine: Yes, if we dared unwrap our heads, we could easily locate the one other being whose mind we can't read. The Dark One!

Hutch: But then the Dark One would read our minds and crush them like blood pumpkins.

Fry: Wait. I can read minds and my mind can't be read. I have a plan.

Nine: Great. Whatever it is, don't tell us.

Hutch: Wait. Fry can read minds and his mind can't be read. So he can safely scan for the Dark One...

Nine: Shut up! Shut up!

Hutch: ...whose mind can't be read...

[All of the Madfellows cover their ears and start gibbering over Hutch's voice.]

[Scene: Maxi-Padlock Women's Prison. The Feministas share one cell.]

Mysterious Voice: Leela, time is running out. We must get to the violet star.

Leela: Okay, okay. Shut up, already.

[Everybody in the cell is confused.]

Dixie: Nobody's talking, Leela.

Trixie: We're just painting each other's toenails with rat blood.

Linda: We now go live to Leela with the escape plan. Leela?

Leela: Thanks, Linda. Now we're in here because we tried to save endangered wildlife. So this time, endangered wildlife will save us.

[She pulls up her pant leg and shows everybody the leech is clamped onto her leg.]

Amy: The Martian muck leech.

Leela: [She gets light headed and has to sit down on a bed.] Little cutie almost sucked me dry.

[She pulls the leech away from her leg and throws it at the back wall of the cell, which it promptly begins burrowing into. The Feministas cheer.]

Labarbara: Look at him go. Like a green snake through a sugarcane cake.

Hermes (on her cell phone): Keep trying.

[Scene: Scruffy is painting the Planet Express ship Electric Mucus again with a large spray can. He shakes it before spraying. Pan over to Zoidberg, who is making the same shaking noise by moving his body up and down. He turns to the ship and vomits the same color all over it.]
[News segment.]

Morbo: Our top story. The universe's most wanted eco-feminists are now behind bars, including gang leader, Turanga Leela. AKA, the Notorious B-I-Itch.

[Pull out of the TV to the Planet Express lounge. Farnsworth and Hermes are watching TV on a 304" MagnaPhallix and a commercial for the 308" edition is on. Zoidberg and Scruffy enter.]

Zoidberg: We finished un-pinking the ship, Hubert. Now what?

Farnsworth: Now we get back to work. And if that means destroying an ecosystem or two, so be it.

Zoidberg: I just meant without our good friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robut.

Farnsworth: Oh, boo-hoo.

Scruffy: Life goes on. But I believe we'll forever carry the pain on the inside.

[He licks his finger and turns a page of his Play-Boy-Ar-Dee magazine.]

[Scene: Women's Prison. A rooster crows at dawn.]

Amy: Oh, no, a rooster! That indicates it's the following morning.

[Everybody makes noises as they wake up.]

Labarbara: How's that creepy crawler doing?

Leela: I'm sorry, femi-sisters, but it pooped out around 3:00 a.m. Poor thing couldn't take another bite.

[The leech bites onto her neck.]

Amy: Well, I guess we failed. But what matters is, we tried our best and we looked good doing it.

[There are many thuds coming from the wall. A crack starts forming and is finally broken down from the outside.]

Amy: Bender?

Bender: Who does it look like? My identical cousin Buster?

Amy: Yes.

[The Feministas cheer.]

Leela: You're here to break us out? But you're the one who put us in.

Bender: But I'm Bender, king of the combination shot. I put you in so that by busting you out, I could commit 15 felonies at once. Puttin' my rap sheet miles ahead of yours on the all-time chart.

Leela: You are one devious bastard.

Bender: That's what it says on my vanity plate. [He bends over and a license plate on his crotch plate reads "1DVS BSTD."]

[Cut to the exterior of the prison. The group is hiding behind a wall near the hole Bender created.]

Leela: What about the sentries?

[Bender groans and smack his forehead.]

Leela: Okay, Plan B. Everyone knows men have one fatal weakness - they can't resist hookers. Dixie, Trixie, you know what to do.

[Smash cut - Bender has been turned into a hooker by means of masquera, a blond wig and eye lashes. Two balloons are strategically positioned on his body and a small amount of fabric covers him.]

Bender: [He walks out with a swagger and speaks in an effeminate voice.] Hello, boys! [The spot lights are directed at him and he is fired at my machine guns. The firing stops.] Your eyes say no, but your machine gun fire says- [The gun fire resumes.]

[Scene: Asteroid in the Violet Dwarf Star System. The surface and its animals are covered in a while goo. Pull back from the system to an observation grand stand. There are hundreds of people present.]

Mr. Wong: Ladies and gentleman and whatever, welcome to my most environmentally disastrous implosion ever. A whole star system!

[The crowd cheers.]

Zapp: Kif, old boy, mind if I sit on your shoulders for a better view?

Kif: Well, actually, sir, I was hoping...

[Kif ends up with his head up Zapp's man-skirt and sighs.]

Mr. Wong: My associate Philip Fry here will have honor to blow this ugly, dirty star into nice, clean black hole.

[The crowd cheers and Mr. Wong applauds as well as Fry slowly lowers himself below the podium.]

Mr. Wong: Fry, what you doing down there?

Fry: [He drops a wire.] Just polishing your shoes, Mr. W.

Mr. Wong: Mmm, that nice. Get between the toes there, very dirty.

[Cut back to the prison. The group is pinned down in Bender's hole in the wall by machine gun fire. Sirens are sounding.]

Bender: Well, so much for Plan B.

Leela: What's Plan C?

Bender: All situations have the same Plan C. Bending, come on.

[They run towards the closet wall. They reach it and Bender attempts to move it.]

Leela: We're boned, Bender. It's a brick wall.

Bender: Granted, it's not on the list of approved bendables, but I'm so great!

[Bender bends the 50 foot brick wall and only Leela, Amy, Labarbara and Bender escape over it. They take shelter behind a mound of land and hear dogs in the distance.]

Amy: Dogs! The boning continues.

Bender: [He pulls a telephone out of his chest.] Green Bluebird, this is Mr. Fabulous. We are go for cheesing it.

[The Planet Express ship approaches for an extraction. The dogs have reached the ship, but only one can bite onto the tail wing before quickly loosing grip. Gun fire chases the ship as it flies away from the prison.]

Leela: [She enters the bridge.] Professor! Hermes! Zoidberg! [She looks at Scruffy] Uh...

Scruffy: Scruffy. The janitor.

Leela: You helped us escape? Even after we locked you in a go-go cage like common go-go dancers?

Farnsworth: I couldn't live with myself, Leela. I call myself a scientist, wear the white coat and probe a monkey every now and again, yet I put monetary gain ahead of preserving nature. Can you ever forgive me?

Scruffy: I reckon.

Leela: I could kiss you, Professor.

Farnsworth: Okay, but watch out for my new grill. [He smiles and shows his gold and diamond teeth.]

[Cut back to the destruction of the star system. The audience cheers as Zapp takes the stage.]

Zapp Brannigan: Before the grand finally [Mispronunciation of finale] , as it were, it seems only fitting that I, Commodore 64 Zapp Brannigan, say a few brief pages in honor of...

Nine (Telepathically): Whatever your plan is, Fry, I suggest you get on with it. Get... Shoot, I got hot sauce on my Number 9 shirt.

Fry (Telepathically): Okay, locate the Dark One by finding someone whose thoughts I can't read.

Zapp Brannigan: And unaccustomed...

Zapp Brannigan (Telepathically): By God! I'm the greatest speaker of all time. They're suckling at the teats of my every syllable.

Zapp Brannigan: Allow me now...

Kif (Telepathically): His voice is like ear sandpaper.I miss Amy.

Mom (Telepathically): [She sighs] If I had all the money in the world, I'd... Oh, wait. I do. [Evil laugh.]

Calculon (Telepathically): I'd like to thank the academy, my agent, and most of all, my operating system, Windows 7, for everything it... System error.

Snoop Dogg (Telepathically): Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies. Naked ladies.

Mr. Wong (Telepathically): I never should have taken that accent elimination class from Jackie Chan.

Zapp Brannigan: And so, as we obliterize this star, let us remember those immortal words once spoken by a great man, moi. And I quote, "All good things must come to an end, preferably in a humongous explosion."

[The audience cheers.]

Mr. Wong: Let's pop this beach ball.

ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight!

[Fry lifts his hat up and hears indiscernible chatter of the crowd.]

Fry (Telepathically): There's no one here whose thoughts can't be read. No one, except me! My thoughts can't be read. But, but that's crazy. If I were the Dark One, I'd know it, wouldn't I? But, here I am, right where the Dark One would be, about to blow up the star. Oh, God! Somewhere deep inside of me, it's me! I'm the Dark One!

ALL: Two... one!

[A crashing is heard and the crowd gasps. Leela has crashed the ship into the observation dome. She exits the ship with a megaphone.]

Leela: Put your hands in the air!

[The crowd gasps and obliges.]

Snoop Dogg: Should we wave them like we just don't care?

Leela: That's optional.

Mr. Wong: You girl punks gone too far this time. Your parents should be ashamed.

Amy: Yes, you should!

[Mr and Mrs. Wong gasps and she reveals her identity to them.]

Kif: Amy!

Mysterious Voice (Telepathically to Mr. Wong): Destroy the star, Leo, hurry.

Mr. Wong: You got it, Mr. Voice-in-my-head. [He makes a howling Kung Fu noise. Him and Leela fight over the plunger. He gets it away from her, but Amy whack him in the stomach with her putter.] I've gotta admit, Amy, you got a pretty good swing.

Amy: Really? Thanks, Dad.

[He reaches out for the plunger, but she whacks him in the chest again and he groans in pain.]

Leela: Okay, time to defuse this star cracker once and for all. [She begins to cut the wire for the plunger.]

Fry: Leela, wait. You're making a mistake. You have no idea what's really going on.

Leela: What is really going on?

Fry: I can't tell you.

Leela: Then why should I trust you? Why?

Fry: Because... Because...

Leela: You're you. That's all I need to know.

Bender: No! Don't do it!

Scruffy: Fiddlesticks.

Amy: Leela, are you crazy? We became fugitives and jail-breakers to stop him.

Bender: And hookers, don't forget hookers.

Leela: Shame on all of you. After everything we've been through together, do you really think Fry would-

[Fry pushes down on the plunger and everybody gasps. The camera follows the spark along the wire to a wire that was crudely spliced in. It travels up to the Omega Device, which Fry is now holding to his chest.]

Fry: Goodbye, Leela. I destroy myself to save you.

[The spark reaches the device and it transforms into a mid-evil coat rack. There is a green orb charging in the center of it which then expands, encasing Fry and Leela in a ball for a small moment. It's all over as quickly as it began, leaving Fry and Leela confused. Fry attempts to trigger it again by pushing down on the plunger a few more times.]

Nixon's Head: Where's the boom? I was expecting a boom.

Fry: It didn't work. I'm the Dark One, and it didn't do anything. [He throws the plunger to the floor.]

Mysterious Voice: [It is emitted from Leela's body.] You're not the Dark One, I am.

Fry: Leela?

Mysterious Voice: Not Leela, you moron. Me! [It's revealed that the Desert Muck Leech is the Dark One. He screams and falls flat.] What did you do to me?

[The crowd gasps.]

Leela: Ew!

Dark One: I am the Dark One. The very last Dark One. How is it possible I couldn't read your mind? Oh, I am momentarily disabled.

[A thunder claps behind them and everybody looks at the Violet Dwarf Star System. The smaller asteroids line up beind the largest asteroid and move as one into the violet dwarf star and it undergoes mitosis.]

Randy: [He gasps.] What's happening out there?

Sal: Somethings wondersful.

Leela: The star and the asteroid. They were an egg and a sperm.

Preacherbot: Great modem of mercy. Cover the children's eyes.

Morbo: There are no children here.

Preacherbot: Then move your fat head. I can't see.

[The process is complete and an Encyclopod emerges. The crowd gasps.]

Nine: The Encyclopod is reborn. A new green age has begun!

Mad Fellow: So the legend foretold.

[The Encyclopod moves toward and past the observation dome, displaying the ecosystem on its back.]

Farnsworth: Look! Inside its pouch. Extinct Tasmanian tigers.

Amy: And dodo birds.

Leela: And white rhinos.

Hermes: And striped biologist-taunters.

Striped biologist-taunter: What are you gonna do, shoot us?

The Encyclopod circles around the dome and stops in front of the crowd.]

Encyclopod: Life! [The crowd gasps.] These once extinct plants and animals are my gift to the universe. Through untold generations, my race has treasured their DNA. Treat them wisely with the knowledge that all species are precious.

Leela: This is unbelievable. What's going on?

Hutch: To answer that, I must tell you a story. A story of two alien species so ancient that-

[The Dark One attacks his neck and he falls over. The crowd screams and Fry slaps the creature off Hutch's neck.]

Fry: Hutch, are you okay?

Hutch: My sister's femi-necklace. [He reaches for the necklace lodged in Fry's head.]

Fry: What? [It is pulled out of his head and he screams.] Hey, how come I can't read your thoughts anymore?

[Hutch falls dead with a grunt.]

Encyclopod: I shall avenge you, Hutch Waterfall.

[The Encyclopod fries the Dark One with a laser emitted from his eyes.]

Nine: After all these eons, the Dark Ones are no more. Will you preserve their DNA, O' Great Encyclopod?

Encyclopod: I suppose I should. Wait, where did it go?

[Pan to Zoidberg who is licking his claws.]

Zoidberg: What?

Encyclopod: Well, at any rate, I shall preserve the DNA of Homo sapiens.

Fry: Huh. I thought you only saved the DNA of endangered species.

Encyclopod: Farewell. [He flies away.]

Fry: I guess he didn't hear me.

Bender: Well, looks like that wraps everything up in a nice big, old, fat sack of...

Zapp Brannigan: I hereby arrest you fugitives on 53 counts of fugivity. Kif, round them up, and spare me the weary sigh for once. [Pause.] Kif?

Kif: [He is running into the ship with the rest of the crew.] Wait for me.

[The ship backs out of the dome and takes off with the Nimbus right behind it, firing wildly.]

Fry: Well, this is the end. There was so many things I wanted to say to you.

Leela: Like what?

Fry: Like this is not the end. But mostly just, I love you, Leela.

[The ship shakes as it is hit by one of the Nimbus' shots.]

Leela: Maybe I waited too long to say this, but I love you, too- wormhole!

[The ship is heading straight for a worm hole in space.]

Hermes: Sweet topology of cosmology, it's huge!

Farnsworth: If we fly into it, it could take us trillions of light years away. There's no knowing if we'll ever return.

Fry: What do we do? Should we go for it?

[Pause in dialogue. Bender gets a beer out of his chest and opens it.]

Bender: Into the breach, meatbags. Or not. Whatever. [He starts drinking the beer.]

ALL: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Fry and Leela kiss as they fly into the wormhole. It closes shut after their transmission.]
[Closing Credits.]